The Frank Skinner Show - Sage Advice

Episode Date: September 25, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank bought bathroom scales and had another motoring question. The team also discuss riding side-saddle, Liam Gallagher’s helicopter fall and Nicole Richie’s Birthday cake fire.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. I am Frank Skinner. This is my show, which I do with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I'm gonna get that terms anditions gig if it kills me. OK, let me start off with correspondence. What about that? Good morning to you both, by the way.

Morning, Frank Skinner. And to all our readers out there. You said I am Frank Skinner with a bit of a Spartacus vibe earlier. Yeah. I am Frank Skinner. Yeah, I don't know where that... I never know quite what i'm going to say next which is i know very unsettling for the producer part of the fun but i like to think

i've got some sort of uh filter anyway i had a letter from keith that's all the information i have not our keys no not our keith um and he says dear Frank and co, the enclosed is for your information. And he sent me an article from The Guardian singing the praises of classical music. I reckon it's a letter. And it says, for many newspapers, the word music has become synonymous with pop. Why, the real thing has been tucked away

under the heading classical. And it's about the fact that if only it gave such recognition to real music for the rest of the year, meaning classical. And Keith has said, if Mr Bradbury is correct and he seems certain that classical is the only real music,

then Absolute Radio has been systematically lying to its loyal audience all these years. In view of the magnitude of the problem, you need to contact Mr Bradbury to try and sort this out. And then he ends with a slightly abusive PS, which I won't read. But yes, real music is obviously a subjective term. Real music is obviously, it's a subjective term. But I still think we've got the best playlist.

I do. Blah, blah, etc. I also had a lovely card from Matt who said, basically the card has got a large picture of a bottle of Pernod on the cover, which used to be my breakfast of choice in the dark years. And many of you will know that I gave up drinking on the 24th of September 1986, which obviously was the 35th anniversary. And he says, Dear Frank, 35 years and you're probably right,

you can't go back to the party. And I think, I can't remember what that was about now, but I have a feeling that you can't have the same party twice, basically, in any context. Anyone who's thinking of seeing one of their exes tonight, think on. So, there's that. Starting with some sage advice. Sage advice.

Is that what you get from celebrity chefs? Yes. Celebrity chefs. Frank. What a misnomer. Sorry. I've been hearing you're a lovely man and a real gentleman. Really? I'll just leave you with that thought.

I'm just trying to... It's worrying that I'm desperately trying to think who could have possibly said such a thing. It was someone at one of your gigs, Dennis, actually, because I know you've been at... Oh, I thought it was a graffiti in the absolute building. Oh, no, it's not in the toilet. Reading and Brighton.

OK. You've had some lovely... It turns out you're very nice to people on the street. Is that right? Yes. You're very big with your fans. That's good good isn't it let's just let's just savour that moment yeah no i'm happy with that um excellent

uh i am oh by the way i bought some new bathroom scales this week the bathroom scales i had have lasted me for a long time and they've finally given in. What does that tell you about lockdown? And I bought some Salters scales. Do you know Salters? I bought Salters because they, I think when they were a spring works, which is their original role, they were, it was workers from there who formed West Bromwich Albion. I see. So it's a good reason for a bit of loyalty.

Have you gone digital? They are digital, yes. But what I liked on the box in large letters on the front, it says guaranteed for 15 years. I thought that should do it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, here's the thing. I was on the motorway the other day and when I first started driving, one thing that I remember was what I would call the sort of police car procession. You be driving down the motorway let's say on tonight under nine not joking and but you'd be driving down the motorway and suddenly the traffic would slow I mean really noticeably ridiculously slow up to I mean sometimes right down to the speed limit and then there'd be a police car and everyone around it and I think I used to think to police think you know his life's

wonderful is everyone observes a speed limit what a wonderful country we live in but I don't see that I don't seem to see that now no but they but they lurk on the bridges. Yeah, but I love they lurk on the bridges. It'd be a great title for a movie. But has it gone that, the police car procession? Has the less of them on the motorway?

What's occurred? If only we had a motoring correspondent. I think that is still an alive and well thing. I quite often find people dropping their speed and there's just one car, one police car on the...

Maybe I just don't... I don't notice them anymore. Do you know, I found there is an area in central London in Regent's Park. There's a lot of police car processions

around there, behaviour. But I think of it as a motorway thing. OK, OK. And also, you know the terrible embarrassment when you slow down, you go into the slowdown and then it's like motorway maintenance. I think, don't, you shouldn't be allowed.

That's impersonating a police officer. I thought that was an offence. I wonder if that's still an offence by the way Peter Falk was arrested was he? no impersonating a police officer that would be brilliant

also what is a traffic officer I've seen that on the back of those cars now that sounds like someone that you should have to slow down for. And then I'm thinking, should I be slowing down? Should I be overtaking? What is a traffic officer at 12.15?

Well, Frank, I've seen one character. And he has, on the back of his high-vis, he wears a high-vis tabard on his motorbike. And he has on the back it says police so everyone slows down this is in my local area and as you get closer it actually says polite and then it says notice

that is clever I know that's impersonating is that impersonating a police, a polite officer impersonating a motorcycle police officer. That's what he's up to. No, he hasn't got the moustache.

See, that's another thing that's gone. Anyway, this is a war. I'll ask you one more question. No, not on police. He had a home in Brighton. Surely the moustache is alive and well. Even the moustache? Yeah.

I would say moustache. Oh, OK. Oh, let's call the whole thing tache. One last question and then I'll move on from this. But there was a van ahead of me. I took a photo of the van because I thought, this is one of these things which I don't get. And everyone's going to say, well, you know what that is, you idiot.

And it said on the back of the van, cat protected. Now, please tell me that if I back of the van, cat protected. Now, please tell me that if I broke into that van, there wouldn't be like six big ginger toms in there. Does it mean something technical or something? Yeah, I think I know what that means. Let's have it as a cliffhanger. Okay.

Oh, that's a good... I'm guessing. I took a photo because I thought, if this bloke is actually using cat-based security, I want some evidence because people will think I've made it up, but we'll see. Friendship on Absolute Radio. I believe we've heard from the outside world. We have.

We have on several different... I'm going to read a text that I think may be taking my career into my own hands somewhat. Oh, my goodness. I'll happily go for it. 597 has texted in. Hi, Frank. I know you've taken to making the occasional slobbering noise.

After a particularly heavy night, it's making me feel rather billy as please desist. That's from Simon of Sudbury I mean sorry but you know he's been doing that yeah no sorry so you've done it to Simon of Sudbury I'm out of Sudbury sounds like a medieval cleric who wrote a book about the bleeding heart of Jesus or something like that. Oh, yes. And yes, and if you'll consider the manuscript of Simon of Sudbury.

He's very Metal Bird in Sky. Yeah. Simon of Sudbury. I'm sorry, Simon, it won't happen again. Yes, it will not happen again. And I do apologise and I will not be doing that. Perhaps you'd prefer this. I find that really funny.

Anyway, sorry we shouldn't be doing that on breakfast. I mean, I'm a beast. I am simply a beast. We've also had from 20... No, actually, no, I'm sorry to tantalise you. I'm going to go to 049.

OK. It's your lucky day, 049. Traffic officers, who Frank was referring to earlier, you don't have to slow down for them, but you shouldn't be speeding anyway. No. They work for highways, deal with obstructions in the road, minor collisions, breakdowns and traffic management.

It is an offence not to comply with their instructions, though. But where do their instructions come from? Well, you'll find out. Listen to this. Tis in the highway code. Tis. Yeah. It's all gone a bit Simon of Sudbury. It has. I still don't see what they're're they're not stopping traffic jams

I can assure you of that because they still exist the traffic officers well good luck to them maybe that's what they're trying to do though yeah maybe but very badly and don't stop me for the TO

we left the world on a cliffhanger as to what oh yes you were going to tell a van that you see. I think, and I may be wrong, but I think it means that a pack of cats

are protecting that car. No, you don't think that. I think it means that the catalytic converter is in a sort of difficult to steal fashion. Because people steal catalytic converters because I think they might be is in a sort of difficult-to-steal fashion because people steal catalytic converters because I think they might be valuable.

I think it's people who just love alliteration. Alliter? Yeah, they can't leave them alone. Alliter is good. Yeah. Cat alliteration. Cat alliteration. Oh, very good.

They just fall off me like windfall. I know, darling. I wouldn't have got that. That's a very, I think that's a very good speculation. It's good, but is it right? Cat protected. Or, you know, maybe there is, I hadn't thought of the cat, I thought it was being protected by a cat,

but it could be that there's a cat in the car that you, if you try and steal that cat. Because apparently there's a lot of dog stealing now, where are you? There are lots of dog stealing. And catalytic converter theft. So there's dog stealing and cat theft. Yeah. There's a theme

here, certainly. Yeah. I recently had to get a new exhaust from the catalytic converter backwards. I love that story i thought you might but here's a weird thing i don't know if this is a manchester thing but every and i had to speak to several different mechanics and suppliers about this exhaust and every time i spoke to somebody they called it an exhaust and i called it an exhaust. No, I don't know that. Exhaust? Oh, yeah, it's going to take a while to get an exhaust.

Oh, that's absolutely right. Am I naive? Am I the one that's saying this wrong? They've taken the word exhausted, haven't they? And they've taken their stress from the word exhausted. Because they were all in the game, I felt like, oh, they're probably saying it right and I'm saying it wrong. I would like to know if it's meant to be exhaust as a car part I thought he was going to say is this a Manchester thing that if he says is there anything going on under the hood you thought that he was asking if

you were stupid or not now my uh child at the moment who's nine he is pop it crazy oh yeah um and everybody um are you familiar with the the poppy house yes i'll tell you what they've done and this is a this is a commercial trick which i've seen before they take something that people do anyway that just in the normal world and then they sort of make a version of it that you buy like battleships when I was at school battleships used to be played with just like a bit of paper and pencils like hangman and now there are games where you press buttons and all that sort of stuff. So someone thought, I don't even have to invent this game. So the poppy is basically the urge to pop bobble wrap made commercially available.

Stop it. So what happens is you pop these things. They don't make the noise, but you pop them. It's satisfying to pop them. And then you turn it round and they're all up on the other side where they were down. It's sort of recyclable bubble wrap. So the bubble remains intact? The bubble just moves to the other side ready to be shoved yet again.

Do you know, I think I'd love that. Well, they're everywhere. They're everywhere, man. Well, not for me because, as you know, I forgot to have children. Oh, yeah. So I haven't encountered them. I wish I hadn't brought you home.

But, well, adults could use them. Adults now do all sorts of very, very childish things. I do, definitely. I mean, they'll be at the till. They're in the till in, like, corner could use them. Adults now do all sorts of very, very childish things. I do, definitely. I mean, they'll be at the till. They're in the till in, like, corner shops and stuff at the moment. Yeah, they're rainbow-coloured. Do you remember fidget spinners were a craze? They're like that now.

Yeah, but fidget spinners, they didn't come from something that we did anyway. Someone invented the fidget spinner. Agreed. I've been thinking this week, there must be something like arm wrestling. Can I make that into a board game where you buy,

do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You fit a thing to your forearm maybe and that tells you who's pushing the hardest. Did anyone compensate Albert Pierpoint for the game that was named after him? No, he got nothing. But you know,

the rights, rights was a different more as a grey area in those yeah he got no money for the saying um money for old rope no he didn't albert pierre point by the way to our new readers was the national hangman the The last hangman. He was the last. I would say the last hangman. Last hangman at this point in time. As we go to press, he was the last hangman. I would suggest that he might even be a friend of the show. Yeah, he's been mentioned a lot.

He's been mentioned a lot. And his great-granddaughter, I believe, is a friend of the show. Certainly a relative of his used to contact us with Albert Pierpoint updates, which are thin on the ground. Yeah. He left us many years ago. I've got a question for you both.

Question. We have... Go on. Bill has tweeted us... Oh, yeah. ...with a picture of Leila Morse's autobiography. Who is Leila Morse? Big Mo.

Oh! I have a challenge for you two. Yeah? What did Big Mo, a.k.a. Leila Morse, call her memoir? Which is described by the Mirror as extraordinary now extraordinary could go either way let's be honest

I don't know what the full quote is there that's like actors going back to see their actor friends after they've seen a minute play and saying well you've done it again yeah multiple choice remarks I would call those. So the extraordinary...

Make of that what you will. Is it Justin Moe? Alan, what are you going for? I have a famous brother and everyone mentions it. Oh, I hope it says that. It's good, but it's not right. The winner is... Oh, close, though.

Frank Skinner. He's nailed it. Is it just a man? Oh, hurrah. Fabulous. I love pond-based quizzes. I could do those all day. Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. I don't know if you remember, but we were recently talking about a texter who described himself as Simon from Sudbury. I think we riffed about that name. Yes, Simon Sudbury. Yeah. Hi, Frank and team. Simon Sudbury was a medieval bishop who was killed during the Peasants' Revolt. Oh, wow, 1381?

Oh, thank you. Was it really? Impressive work. Good knowledge. I mean, of course you know that. It's your manor. Simon, no, Simon Sudbury. Oh, my God, it's all getting complicated now.

So I invented a medieval guy who was a medieval guy. Can we give him his full name at all times? It's Simon of Sudbury, please. Well, yeah, but it sounds like, according to Louise of Somerset... Louisa Somerset. Yeah, Louisa Somerset, as she's known, that it's Simon Sudbury. We'll get to the bottom of the Sudbury thing,

but it's all sounding good to me. Don't know much about the Peasants' Revolt. Respect her, Mundoando for getting the dates. Well, let's hope I'm right about that. It was all, you know, it was what Tyler and all those. I can't imagine anybody being churlish enough to correct you if you got it wrong. I like the idea of churlish to describe the Peasants' Revolt.

Hurrah! I used to use that phrase for a certain type of clothing sometimes. If someone had those incredibly pointy, sort of suede boots, I would say, oh, very Peasants Revolt. Yeah, I know what you mean. It was niche material. There was what they used to call them pixie boots. Remember those ones that sort of...

I remember a mate of mine, at his 30th birthday, he had a midlife crisis and he bought pixie boots and started doing press-ups at home. Oh, he did? Yeah. Up here? Oh, sorry. Oh, God, I forgot he was on that.

I can't see Al in pixie boots, can you? No. No. I could see him maybe in a leopard print og at the weekends, just putting the rubbish out. I see that as well. I see that right. A bit of a Ronnie Wood way.

Yes. Well, what's here when I met the other, I met a lady in Somerset speaking, bringing back the Louisa Somerset theme and she, one of her passions was that she rode side saddle. Now there's a thing I'd sort of forgot existed.

In case you don't know this, you used to see ladies, I'll get Wardian ladies, and instead of straddling the horse, which is an unladylike activity, or seen so at the time, especially in a big frock, which is what they... So they would just hang on the side like a coat, hanging on the side of a door.

They'd perch. Well, the Queen used to ride side saddle, I believe. Did she really? I'm sure I've seen pictures of her in the early days. And she now straddles the Queen, does she?

Oh, she straddles. Does she really? These might just be gossip, but that's move on. And I wasn't sure how it worked. It turns out, are you familiar with the side saddle? Saddle? It's got like a big...

Is it a side saddle? It's got like a big pommel, a big pommel, which is like a hook. And you hook your sort of knee of your, I'm telling you, your right leg. And you sort of just hang on the side with a stirrup for support. So you really are on the side of the horse, which is much better for, I don't know if you've ever been photographed head-on on a horse, but often you're peering around the horse's head.

This one, you get a nice landscape two-shot of the pair. It's a sort of big fat hairy, two fat hairy biker's bike. It's sort of pillion. Yeah, a bit like a sidecar. Lovely. I think. Like those chefs, Clarissa and,

yeah. Yes. Yeah. That's who I meant actually. I was getting my chefs muddled up. Yes. What did you call them? The hairy bikers.

I called them the hairy bikers. That's a bit personal. They were actually called two fat ladies, which of course wasn't at all personal. Yes. I'm like, I'm thinking... How did you call them?

If I have another crack at... Yeah, Two Hairy Bikers. Another crack at that, I think I might try the side saddle. I'll tell you what they'd be brilliant for. You know in westerns where they hide behind the horse? You know that? You stampede the horses and you hang off the side of behind the horse you know that you stampede the horses and you hang off the side of it so they don't know you're on the other side you know that it's very clever that western trope oh i'd love that so um if there's any side saddlers out

there we'd love to hear from you i just think it's a fairly minimalist activity. I don't know. It's probably seen as a bit, you know, a bit non-feminist, maybe. Yeah, I'd say so. Well, in my own non-feminist way, I'm happy to do it as a man. Side saddle. It's great. Just hanging off it like that. Like it's got some sort of terrible growth. Equine growth.

Has that thing got an equine growth? No, I think it's the ageing comedian Frank Skinner. Oh, God, so it is. This is Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

Text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Do you want to hear what some of our loyal readers have been saying? Of course, always. First up, Clive Silas, who you may recall... He's regular. One of our regulars.

Clive Silas heard you nailing the Leila Morse book title. Oh, yes, which was Just a Mo. Clive says, I'm on a delay, so I saw this before it came up on the show. When Frank got it right first time, I pumped my fist and cheered. That is brilliant. Tim Henman style, maybe. Thank you for your support. Did Tim Henman used to punch his

punch the air and cheer? I don't know if you ever got to that point. Then we also have some side saddle correspondence. Let me give you a bit of a theme tune for this. Okay. Here we go. I'm playing this off my phone if it sounds a bit

rubbish. Go on, you can read. Sassy Hardwick says, look up Callie Coles on Instagram. She rides side saddle. Also, Susan Oakes on Insta. She beat the world record highest jump side saddle. There's a resurgence.

Oh, there's a resurgence. They actually do. They do. By the way, that was side saddle. Saddle, not side saddle. Sorry, that was something from one of my diary entries. Side saddle by Ross Conway. Now, Ross Conway was the sort of British Liberace, but without the glitter.

Was he? So he was the thing that sort of disappeared now. People that just play piano instrumentals. Do you remember those guys? Bobby Crush. Mrs Mills. There was actually a woman who was known only professionally as Mrs Mills. I mean, how fantastic.

And she played the Pop Black theme, which was Pop Black was the first TV snooker thing. Oh, yes, that piece there sounded rather snookery. I think she also went into publishing with Boone, the TV detective. TV's Boone? Do you mean TV's Boone? She did musical whodunnits. Oh, man. Can you imagine a situation where someone is called Mrs Mills?

That's their professional name. I love that. I love it. So, yes, there's a side saddle resurgence, and I think, is it something to do with Downton Abbey as well? Because I think the ladies do favour a side saddle in that. The fact that they are jumping high fences, though, while sort of hanging off the side of the horse.

I suppose maybe it's easier to jump off if things are going wrong if you're in warfare and you had a horse with a a detonator nose band you could ride into the enemy and then at the last minute jump off side saddle and the horse would go in and explode into their room i'll bear that in mind thanks yeah i mean it's a yeah a great job for the horse no it's a rubbish job i wish i hadn't suggested it but you know as it says on the monument on um park lane they had no choice there you go oh man why is it all right to point that out in a public place? That's something that should be in... That should be one of those things that's in, like, a secret file or something at MI5.

They had no choice. Don't put it on a monument, you fools. That's top secret. What happened to the secrets? What's the secrets act called? Official secrets act. Yeah, the official secrets act about the fact that they had no choice. We all know about Laika, but we don't talk about her.

No, Laika, in case you don't know, was the dog that the Soviets sent into space. I mean, it was the original. She had no choice. Perished. She thought she'd won a special competition. Yeah, well, they also, in an act of, rare act of Soviet kindness, what they did was they left the window open an inch

so she didn't get too hot, which in space, of course, is a major, major tactical error. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We haven't had any responses to does the Queen still straddle at 12, 15? We're trying to find out whether she's still... Not thus far.

Does she still side saddle? Or has she gone a bit more 21st century? I mean, does she still... I'm trying to think if I've seen her on horseback for a while because she used to be a regular. Trooping the colour was very much her thing. But she's not still doing that in her 90s, is she? She does ride...

What's it called when you ride the cowboy style, I presume, in her private life? Because I've seen photographs of her and Sandringham, etc. Trooping the Colour, no, I just think she's on an upholstered rocking horse. Oh, that would be lovely. That would be nice for her. I'd love that.

Maybe just she arrives in the lovely yellow coat and all that, but with one of those horses, they're just like a head on a stick with a little wheel at the back. What are they called, hobby horses? That would be brilliant. Well, you were talking about Laika, and I was saying to... Laika is the Soviet space dog, not I kissed a girl and I Laika, and I was saying to... Laika is the Soviet space dog, not I kissed a girl and I Laika.

And there were three dogs, I remember. It was very cruel because it was sort of a, you know, you're the winner. It was a bit of an X Factor thing. They made Laika feel it was like a competition winner. Oh, was it like that? Yeah, there was two other dogs, Mushka and Albina. Locating yourself a problem like Maria.

Do you remember that TV programme? Exactly like that. In fact, I don't know, the Russian equivalent programme Norton presented it. Yeah. And Mushka and Albina were the other two. There were three in total. And Laika won.

But did she win? Yeah exactly every loser wins and as I think Nick Berry said I think there were other dogs that went up as well and several apes I mean they were Do you think that there was two of each

of those? In fact it was just a massive arc I don't think it was that. I think they were a bit cruel. I think they knew Laika wasn't going to come. The idea there'd been an accident and Laika wasn't coming back, they knew. I think Laika, if I remember rightly, the name, L-A-I-K-A, if I remember the spelling, means something like stray dog.

It's not some lovely, affectionate thing. I think they just found the dog in the street and thought, we'll fire this into space, see what happens. We've all done it. What else were they going to do? Actually, don't answer that. No, don't answer that. By the way, Richard Kleiderman.

I was thinking of people who just play piano. That's their act. And I don't mean like, you know, lang-lang. I mean like in the popular arena. I don't mean real, you know, Lang Lang. I mean like in the popular arena. Oh, yes. I don't mean real music, like Lang Lang, as a bloke was saying earlier. Classical music is real music. Exactly.

Richard Clayderman, he had the sort of yellow curtain hair, didn't he? He did, yeah. And very popular with the mums. Was he really? I don't remember. Oh, the mums loved him. If you said to me Whistler Clyderman, I would struggle, to be honest.

But I'm right that he didn't sing or anything. He just played piano. He wasn't like a Jamie Cullum or a Billy Joel. No, no, he wasn't a Billy Joel. But he was the sort of guy... Can I say that Al insists on saying Billy Joel instead of Billy Joel, which I think is an American thing, which is not very Al, but he will not give in on this one. Can I say that Al insists on saying Billy Joel instead of Billy Joel,

which I think is an American thing, which is not very Al, but he will not give in on this one. We were discussing him this morning. We mentioned him this morning because I objected to one of his lyrics, retrospectively, I didn't know, but I just thought I didn't like the sound of him when he said, I don't want clever conversation. Yes.

I mean, come on. Which, of course, is an extract from the BBC when they decided not to employ me anymore. Yes, well, I... Yes, I don't want clever conversation is sort of saying to her, isn't he, I'm happy with the fact that you look amazing. I don't really need clever conversations. Don't get any of your fancy ideas. I don't want any clever conversation.

I don't want to work that hard, is what he says. Oh, come on. Goodness. Yeah, so obviously he was mainly concerned on producing children. He didn't want to be the last Joelle. The last Joelle. The last

Joelle. The end. Billy Joe Spears must have been, that must have been confusing. Billy Joelle and Billy Joe Spears. And one was... Do you know Billy Joe Spears? No, but thanks for the tea.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I had a parcel come, and I think this is not coincidence. I think it's because it's the anniversary of me stopping drinking this week. 35 years. Still counting. But, thank you very much. Thank you very much.'s they've sent me a box

of non-alcoholic wine which is called pierre zero which i'm kind of thinking if ever i check into a hotel and want a false name pierre zero is pretty good isn't it that's good yeah is it what's it upon i don't think it's anything. It's because it's got zero alcohol and it's called Pierre. I thought it was upon like year zero, like revision, so you're starting afresh. Oh, Pierre. Pierre. You have to say like a Pierre zero. Yeah, you're starting again.

Yeah. Well, maybe it is. And I hate the very concept of me missing upon, but maybe you're right. By the way, a lot of people have mentioned Winifred Atwell was another one of those solo piano players. We've just had a debate off air about Bobby Crush. Bobby Crush, in my memory, was a sort of, I guess, a kind of an 80s piano player.

And Emily Annell, I think he was a comic, and I think he was the sort of guy who hadn't got a comic bone in his whole body. Well, that's never stopped some people, as we know. I think he would have described, I think he would have been a self-styled musical comedian. I'll tell you why I think I'm confident on this. When I was at...

Like Tim Minchin? No. No. No. No. He was more sort of sparkly. No eye shadow on Bobby Crush. No eye shadow. Bobby Crush.

No Simon of Sudbury medieval suede boots. This is how I went to the screening, to the actual recording of a Sky talent show when Sky first started. And he was a judge. And there was a young girl about 15 who sang beautifully. And he said to her, I wouldn't be wearing that dress with those hips.

That's what he said to her. And I thought, you are a terrible man. And she started crying. And my other Bobby Crush memory is that I played that game when you put a yellow sticky on your forehead with Elton John and the name on his sticky was Bobby Crush. That's why I think he was a piano player. I don't think, honestly, there was no comedy in Bobby Crush.

I thought his name, Crush, was like he was a heartthrob. People would be having a crush on him. But now I realise it was his children of other people he crushed people's dreams imagine saying that now on television I'll be crusher of dreams I'll call him from now on yes Roger Turner

you promised me you'll call him that every time he comes up I definitely will and if anyone can confirm whether I would bow to you in this area Frank so possibly this is an aberration And if anyone can confirm whether, you know, I would bow to you in this area, Frank. So possibly this is an aberration. Bobby Crush songs, comedy. Okay.

You know, I'm going to let you have it if it's correct. Roger Turner. Yes, he mentioned Winifred Atwell. He was saying she was huge in the 50s and 60s. Yes. All right, Roger. We know. Yeah.

He's. What? He's done a bit of a Bobby crush. I say, why? Oh, because she was a big... Yeah, but no one cared. Then if you had the talent, that was a brilliant thing of Annie. Go on. And 906 has texted,

Laika, we've been discussing the first dog in space. Soviet space dog, Laika. Yeah. Laika gets a well-deserved mention on Divine Comedy's Absent Friends. Oh. How lovely. And Jamie Wood has got in touch to say Laika comes from Russian for bark. Ah, well, it's even less of a personal thing.

Yeah. They knew it would bark. Bark into the abyss Yeah, they knew it would bark, bark into the abyss, you know, it was what they knew. Well, Jamie said, because she barked a lot, as you might when you find out that you're going to get shot into space.

I think a lot of them bark quite a lot when they're on fire. Yeah, I think it's like a Pavlovian thing that happens. They don't need any training. They're on fire, they bark. It's just an instinctive thing that they've learnt from when fire was first invented in the very early dog...

Why didn't they just call her Help? Dog development, yeah. Yes, poor Laika. But, you know, her name lives on. I believe she's got a statue at that Space City place in... We've got some crush news as well coming up. Oh, yeah, crush news. Shall we...

Keep people on tenterhooks. Yeah, let's keep them on tenterhooks. We'll delay the Bobby Crush news. When I say delay, I mean by about 40 years. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Okay, Crush News. Wow.

I don't quite know what to make of this because your theory is confirmed, Frank, by a number of people. Paul Crowcroft. Bobby Crush. Yes, he was a piano player. He was a product of Opportunity Knox in the 70s. You'd think he'd have known better than to be nasty on a talent show.

Yeah. Yeah. Geoffrey Palmer, Frank and Friends. Oh, I like Frank and Friends. It's very rainbow. Yeah. Oh, Bagsy B. Bungle. It says again, Bobby Crush first came to public attention

after six winning appearances on the talent show Opportunity Knocks in 1972. Six? Which is great. What it doesn't clarify, though, is whether Crush attempted comedy. No way. No way.

Really? Unless it was like, you know, he had a bit of banter with Hughie Green, but it wasn't part of his act. I mean, as the, I would say, one of the godfathers, if not the godfather of modern comedy, I would bow to you in this area. Well, that's very good of you. Maybe later.

Oh, really disgusting. However. Maybe later. Oh. I'm terribly sorry. Really disgusting. Honestly. What? Go on. Also, Brian Fisher has got in touch. Traffic officers

are called Wombles where we are in Cheshire. Why is that? Wombles? I don't know. Is that that they make

does they make traffic out of terrible wreckage into new cars? I don't know. Is that that they make, do they make traffic out of terrible wreckage into new cars? I don't understand if it was, you know, in the MK Dons area. What happened to the, do people still do that thing of welding two cars together

and then selling them? Do you remember that? A cotton shunt, I believe. Was it called a cotton shunt? Wow. Al, I know that phrase. I did not know that, but I like the sound of it. I think there might be a shortage of welders in the country,

so that's possibly... Well, that's global warming. Oh. What with all the monkeys now, completely fine, the breast monkeys. Well, anyone who gets that, congratulations, and you get a free absolute radio sticker front there aren't any absolute radio promises you can't keep no i wish um i wish they had stickers and they don't have photographs of us in a little um rack in the foyer black and white

photos of us with the absolute um that was one of the things i was looking forward to most yeah because i always thought i mean back in the day at broadcasting house you'd get a lovely they still have you know they still have you can still go there and get a picture of nimone in black and white yeah lovely um well i'm saying that is she still working i don't know but um if she is you'll be able to go there and get a black and white picture obviously Radio 1 and that is a little out of my age bracket

so I don't know who they've got now but certainly you'd have got Nimone that would have been one of the that would have been in the rack you know what I mean it's like the things they have when they sell postcards

at, say, the National Portrait Gallery. No, exactly. But they're free. Oh, my goodness. And they had the white, the picture was squeezed up of it so there was a white band for the autograph you could get at the bottom. Do you know that was... How many times do you get asked for the autograph

instead of the selfie, Frank? Very rare now. It's dying out completely. Gone. But I bet the Doctor Who people like an autograph. They like an autograph. No, but it's true, Al. They don't have this.

Often with half an eye on an eBay. I think I know what you're saying, Emily. No, they don't have the phones. No, there's still people who turn up with proper cameras, not phone cameras. I took one only last week. Yeah. It was Charming Man and he had a camera. Yeah, there's all the traditions run alongside it.

There is no past anymore since the invention of things like streaming and on demand. Everything is present. Chew that over with your cocoa pops. I would like to hark us back, if I may, if that's all right. I mean, this might have an air of clearing my own name. I don't know. Aye, aye, aye. Do you remember just a week or so ago, there was a little bit of guesswork as to what the noise that was happening on air was.

Some people suggested it might be a squeaky chair in the studio. And I believe there are new chairs ordered. I believe in a thing called love. And I don't think they'll help with the squeak. Are the new chairs, Alden? Is that true? I forgot that promise.

I must say, I wasn't at home thinking, wonder if there'll be new chairs this week. But you know, some people will. We've had a few correspondents get in touch

with the show. One of them, Glenn Maker, M-A-I-K-E-R. Mr. Maker. So close.-E-R. Mr Maker. So close, so close to being Mr Maker. Didn't he contact before Glenn Maker? He has.

Maybe. I'm sure he did, I'm sure he did. Who says, I think I know what the mysterious... Glenn Maker. No, she went to her own accord. Sorry. I think I know what the mysterious squeak is. Listened to podcasts and heard it at 06.14, 11.18 and 11.28 minutes. Very specific.

That reminds me of a Jose Mourinho post-match interview where he said, I say five things, 17 minutes, 24 minutes. Oh, yeah. They were incidents when he thought the referee had given a decision against him. Sort of post-match interview by numbers. Sort of insight into... I might get a bit... I might get a bit Jose Mourinho on this.

Go on. Go on, Al. He says, I think it's Alan's door hinge. And I'm not calling Alan a door hinge because he's frugal, which I think is some rhyming slang for stinge there. Oh, I've never heard that before. No, I think he's making it up. OK.

Also, that's from Glenn Maker. Yeah. Rob, at Rob Mitt, says £10 is the sweetest... Can I just... Just give me one minute, because I have to do this. It's like a certain... Email from Glenn Maker. Email from Glenn Maker. Email from Glenmaker.

OK, carry on. OK, I'm glad we've got that out. I just had to. I think that is where... Rob says £10... Go on. You continue. Rob says £10 says the squeak that's been occurring for a few weeks is a door hinge.

Well, I'm going to have Rob's £10 because I'm certain it's a chair. Just for clarity, I mean, I don't know who's going to play me in the film about this miscarriage of injustice. Miscarriage of injustice. Yes, well, that was a fraudulent slip. I am in my cellar. There is no

door that is being used. No door on your cellar? There is a door, but it's closed. I'm in a vault. I'm in a broadcasting vault as far as I'm concerned. Are you in a panic room? Ow! I don't think you should keep saying cellar.

It doesn't show you... I like it. I'll tell you what I like about it. I like in a list of things to get indignant about. I know indignation is one of Al's central themes now, but someone accused him of having a squeaky door. It's quite a thing to thump the desk about. How dare you!

Don't you know that Al only exclusively has beaded curtains in his home? Even on the exterior doors, that's how hard he is now. He knows no one will try. It's not Al. It's not Al. We don't know what it is. I'm thinking it might just be my bones. I think that as well.

Could be the chair. We have got a squeaky door here, but the producer says we never open the door during a recording. Well, that's not true. I've seen people come and go. No, it's just, you know, you have to let them have their own way. Just nod yes. Is that the Spolowop book to Ian Botham's Don't Tell Kath?

You have to let them have their own way. You know what I mean? No, you've got to pick. It's not a hill I want to die on. The door never opens during a recording hill. Oh, that a hill you want to die on? I suspect it is. I agree.

I think it very rarely is used during the show. We're fine with that. Okay. Okay, the said producer is now giving me the shut up. It's time for a break. She doesn't want clever conversation. No, she doesn't want to work that hard. Oh, come on.

That's Billy Joel, not me. No, I'm saying Joel. Oh, Joel. Joel, was he on Krypton when he exploded? Well done if you got that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran on Absolute Radio. You can text the show on 81215,

follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Al, can I start off with an email in defence of you? Like the sound of that? Oh, good. I do like the sound of this, yeah. Frank, like the sound of that? Yes, go for it.

OK. 923, morning all. Don't be so hard on Al in the way he says Billy Joel. Yeah, go on. Don't go changing. I've noticed Frank says birthday for birthday. I don't say that. You do.

You do. You very much do. Absolutely not. Hang on, it's my turn now. Okay. M always says Spider-Man and Batman. I do. Yeah, you do do that.

But that's your deliberate derision for all things slightly sci-fi or superhero. That's from Lorna. Lorna, as she calls herself. Thanks, Lorna. Thanks, Lorna. Now,

in the news this week, it's Oasis front man, Liam Gallagher. Liam Gallagher. It's not that. I know he's not Oasis front. He'll always be Oasis front man, won't he? Yeah.

I know what you mean. And. LG. LG, as he calls himself. He's had one of his falls. Me. He did have a fall. Oh, he's gone a bit adventurous, hasn't he?

Well, there's a bit of a mystery about this, isn't there? There's a picture of Liam on the internet. You know the internet? Yeah. That Tim Berners-Lee contraption. Yeah, that WWW. Yeah, that. There's a picture of him.

I have to say, and I was the first to applaud the NHS on Thursday evenings, but if that is the sort of dressing they're putting on people now, then standards have dropped terribly. It was one of the worst dressed wounds I'd ever seen. There was a plaster over his nose. Only half of which was stopped out. The rest was just flared upward. Yeah.

And then there was like white stuff. It looked like, you know when you have to take the label off an Amazon box before you put it in the recycling so it hasn't got your name and address on it. There's a bit of ripped white. There was like a bit of white sticky on his lip. And I thought, what is that? So I don't know if he had dressing on and then took it off and then put it back on for the picture,

but it was awful, awful dressing. He's got a look of not the professional standards of the NHS, more of fellow drunk mate having a go at dressing. Exactly, yeah, stop as an all-night chemist and we'll get some dressings and I'll sort you out. Just put some cream on there when there's no problem. And we should say he

claims to have fallen out of he got the injury from, he said he fell out of a helicopter. But fell out of a helicopter this is, there is open to much interpretation, isn't it? Because helicopters are sometimes on the ground.

Sometimes they're slightly raised from the ground and sometimes they are high amongst the clouds. At what point did he fall out of the helicopter? Well, somebody did ask him on his smeeds, his social medias, what height the helicopter was at when he fell out of it and he replied 100,000 feet. That isn't correct, is it? Also, I think he's been watching a few too many cartoons where you fall 100,000 feet and end up with

a plaster on your nose. I think he's being funny. Too much Roadrunner. I once saw a man on Brighton Beach. You know when you see people really spread eagles on both and it sort of died out a bit now, but they're really like an X.

They're really legs and arms akimbo. It's disgusting. He was lying like that on the beach, but he had a three-piece pinstripe suit and a tie and elastic-sided boots on. I thought he might have fallen out of a helicopter because i can't i couldn't work out why would anyone sunbathe in a suit but now i'm i am confused he can't have dropped from very far surely well as our manchester correspondent um what what would what's your theory Al?

well I have a theory I think he's a big fan of Clark's original desert boots and they are an absolute potential death trap as I think Linfolds Wood would have said on that programme I mean they're really slippy

any moisture and you're going over you're like Bambi on ice I like them but you're right over. You know what? Bambi on ice. I like them, but you're right. On a wet pavement, even, they are. I love them, but they come with a health warning. And I think Liam might have had some on and there was perhaps just a little bit of aqua on the stairs of the chopper and down he went.

Yeah, maybe. That's my theory. Maybe a furry snorkel hood caught in the propeller and he was swung round and round, banging, banging, banging on the tie. He was caught up in the landslide. I mean, I pity the man, frankly.

Because that's not... He turned it into, in fairness, LG, he turned it into a rock and roll injury. He said he had a bit of an R&R injury. He still looked good, that's the thing about him. He looked good with a

badly done plaster and some sticky paper on his lip. He still looked good. What a dude he is. Talking about LG as you were, Kirsten. Me and Gallagher. Yeah. And his helicopter injury.

So, Frank, I'm getting the impression you think perhaps he tripped over a couple of steps. Well, I don't know. I mean, it was... I don't think steps were on the bill. It was after the... No. It was the Isle of Wight Festival, wasn't it? Lovely. Thank you.

I mean, I believe there is a way of finding out about this, isn't there? Because we did have representatives at the Isle of Wight Festival. We had Sarah Champion was out there, certainly. She'll know. was out there certainly. She'll know. Da-na, da-na-na-na-na, da-na-na. Sorry, that's the Champions theme tune at a popular 1960s TV show.

Do you remember it? Yeah. Alexandra Bastido. Yes. Who was one of those people who were so beautiful that it becomes funny, you start laughing at them. You know that? And I just think, that's just ridiculous, and start laughing. It's know that as you see and i just think that's just

ridiculous and start laughing that's a sort of safety measure i think anyway that's nothing to do with so she was there and i think ben ben borrow was out there was he oh yes ben borrow is this absolute radio second ben borrow didn't we have when we started at Avalon, wasn't there a Ben Burrell? Absolute. Absolute. Sorry, I was thinking back to my Arthurian career. Yes.

When we started at Absolute, wasn't there another Ben Burrell who was a DJ who had a baseball cap and took vitamin pills? I think that was a different Ben. His name was Ben. Ben what? Ben Jones. No, that was a different Ben. His name was Ben. Ben what? Ben Jones.

No, that wasn't Ben Jones, was he? Yes. Okay. You know this is on air, this bit. Oh, God, is this on air? What are you telling me? Sorry, everyone. Well, Sarah Champion was out there with Ben Burrell,

so one of those two will know what the truth of the Liam Gallagher fall off an helicopter thing is. Well, it may not because it may have been post-flight when he was landing. It'll be festival chat, festival gossip though. It goes round like wildfire. Well, a fan asked him direct, how did you

fall out? Do you know, an LG responded, you tell me. Oh, does that mean I was a bit eeeh? Which seems a little unreasonable. And LG responded, you tell me. I love you, tell me. That made me a bit... Which seems a little unreasonable. Well, I was on a helicopter once. We've got a first-person witness here. But they're refusing to play that role.

Yeah, but, Al, what a great cop-out for everything. You tell me. Have you paid your tax this year? You tell me. I'm going to use you tell me for everything now. I love it. I was on a helicopter once, and the pilot said to me,

that door's not shut properly. Now, you know when you're in a car, and you say, that door's not shut, you just open it a bit, and then pull it to again. I don't know if that's what you should do, but that's what most people do. Yeah, it is what people do. And I said, don't know if that's what you should do, but that's what most people do. Yeah, it is what people do.

And I said, and I went, he said, don't do that. I said, I'm just going to say, no, no, I don't, really don't do that. He said, what happens if you open that door, something could fly out of the helicopter, a bit of paper or anything that you've got. He said, and if it flies back and it's the back propeller you know there's that little one on the tail oh yeah he said if it if it goes back and that and damages that then that is that little back propeller stops the whole

thing spinning so if you break that he says the whole helicopter will spin as fast as the the top blades are going I said I wouldn't like that he said no um don't open that door and we had to land in a field so that we could close the door wow obviously it was a big like whenever this happens you land in a big outdoor wedding and smash all the tables and the cake up. And then they get to tell people Frank Skinner got out of a helicopter at my wedding. Yeah, exactly.

It was like that. It wasn't really a wedding. It was at night. But in films, there's always a big wedding at the end of the night. Don't let the truth get in the way

of a good story. Well, I think the truth is usually the best story. Good night. No, sorry, we're not going anywhere. I just thought it had to be followed

by something profound like that and closure. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, we're telling our helicopter anecdotes. Yeah, well, we're trying to piece together what went on with Liam Gallagher and the helicopter. I've only ever been in a stationary helicopter as a child at some kind of air show I've never flown a helicopter I flew to loose women

Did you? Did you indeed? I heard that about you I know, but you're very settled now When it was in East Anglia that's where they used to film it in Norwich I think it was Norwich

and I said I was used to film it in Norwich I think it was Norwich and I said I I was asked to do it and I said well you know I don't really want to that's the whole day going to Norwich and back and they said we'll supply a helicopter they lure you in with the heli and then I made one more demand

which was a car to a Roman Catholic shrine that was nearby. You didn't? I did and which they supplied. That's extraordinary. Yeah I don't think they got asked it that often so they were probably all right. I wondered what it was going to be. Good to have balance isn't it? It is in a helicopter. But I've been in a few. The scariest helicopter ride I've been in, thanks for asking, is the Manhattan helicopter that encircles the... It goes off to the Statue of Liberty and goes round and round the head, really quite close to the head. That's a perilous one, I reckon. And when you get off that, I mean, I honestly had the wobbly legs thing.

Maybe that's what happened to Liam. Yeah, he could have had the wobbly legs getting off. I mean, see, he wouldn't admit that because, you know, he's a bit more sort of professionally male than I am. I'm a bit frightened of them. And I was once offered a lift. I was at a yoga retreat in Rishikesh and a gentleman

came over and... Was he in a linen suit? He was actually in red trousers Oh sure He had red trousers and he was chatting to me over a fruit breakfast and he said

would you like a lift back to Delhi? Not an offer you get every day. No. Nor is the next bit where he said, the heli's leaving at three. That's about speaking in rhyme. The heli. Delhi and heli. Yeah, he should

have spoken rhyme. What a fool. I didn't. I was a bit frightened and I think i was foolish enough to be honest with him i said i i haven't been in a heli and i'm a bit frightened of them and i always remember what he said to me it was a bit it was it was the end of a beautiful thing he said suit yourself oh see yourself he channeled a bit of liamagher. Suit yourself. You tell me, as you were. It's a good story, though, just for the actual details of it are very fine. Do you think he was looking at your fruit breakfast and saying,

would you like a lift to a deli? Yeah, fruit breakfast was the no-per-no. I didn't like that suit. Suit yourself suggested I was somehow the high-maintenance, tricky customer. Yeah, yeah. I wasn't the one saying the heli's leaving at three. Anyway, over to you, Frank Skinner. I'm thinking of my other helicopter things now.

When I went to Silverstone for the British Grand Prix, they helicopter you in. I said, oh, God, what life I used to lead. Now, I'm lucky if I get an off-peak bus pass to get somewhere. Last time I'd interviewed on the Zoe Ball show, I got the bus in. No car. No car available.

No car available. So just in case before you start hating me. If your agent will have up on your website, will drive south. Well, yeah. No, I actually got the bus in yeah lives near major bus routes exactly you know i've got to know to be fair the over 60s travel card is um ever at my side didn't cost me um but you know adventurous nana i met a few on the bus

it was always as rush as early morning you know, Russia, a Zoe Ball show. I'm there with several commuters and they're going, like, you know, to their offices and stuff. And I'm on my way to be interviewed about my new stand-up tour on the Zoe Ball show. Yeah. Is it the Zoe Balls? No, next stop, sir. We've been talking about LG, as you were, Kis.

Yeah. I would like to draw your attention to another showbiz incident slash near tragedy that was avoided feet nicole richie oh yes she posted a picture or a video it was up on her instagram account of her celebrating her 40th birthday and blowing out the candles on her cake, I don't know if either of you caught this. I did, yeah. I mean, her hair certainly did.

She's leaned in. We'll do the footballers tense. Yeah. She's leaned in. She's leaned in. She's looked over the cake. Suddenly. But it was that moment that you get on the video of her sort of, you know, blowing the candles.

Ha ha, it's my birthday. And then the realisation that her hair's on fire. The scream. Yeah. Happily, she has not been hurt, but it was... I'll tell you something I noticed. It's a rubbish cake for Nicole. It's awful.

I'll tell you what, it was like it had been done at Snappy Snaps. It wasn't like ice through anywhere it just had like a picture that had been somehow sort of i don't know how they do it but like it'd been called a photo copied onto the ice yeah come on it's nicole richie you know got a few bob was it olaf it looked like it looked it was promotional olaf is from frozen Yeah. No, it was her as a child. Was it? Yeah. I'm sorry, I thought it was Olaf. I apologise.

I bet you the person that got the cake, Don, got a couple of key rings and a mouse mat with the same picture on it. Maybe a nice T-shirt that rips on first wear. Yeah, but it was... Oh, I thought that was... I really expected it to be nice. So she's on fire and I'm thinking, that's a very poor cake.

Yeah. Al, you can always tell, because you're absolutely right, Frank, the icing looks impenetrable, doesn't it, on those cheap cakes? Yes. Well, yeah, I don't know. I just thought, you know,

maybe the name Richie is putting the idea of rich into my mind, but she must have money. Oh, yeah. I think so, yeah. Yeah, you can't. I felt respect for Mondo that she was publicly celebrating turning 40. I don't see that as being something that sort of a beautiful celeb might do. No, I respect her.

I respect her for that. Yeah, I respected that. I just thank God she wasn't hurt because you don't want to be, you don't want the last thing on earth that you see is a snappy snaps. Okay. Also, you don't want

the last thing you hear to be happy birthday because, I mean, personally, I find that tune quite haunting at the best of times. But also, yeah, there's just something, I don't like it. I don't like the idea of everyone gathered round. That's literally the last thing you hear. No, maybe.

Well, anyway, that didn't happen. She's all right. She's fine. It says that her husband also saw the funny side. He used Richie's close friend Paris Hilton's catchphrase when he commented, that's hot. Yeah. Which I think he meant her head that was on fire.

What I saw. I didn't know that was a catchphrase, but it's a funny thing if you did it. Paris Hilton always said that. Well, no, there are two things about this. First of all, Paris Hilton has a catchphrase. Yeah, I didn't know that. That's, you know, that's something other than

can we do your room, please? Or would you like your blanket turned in back? He's a bit of a joker. But she's got a catchphrase. And also, it's that's hot. I mean, couldn't she use writers to come up with something? Here's your catchphrase, Paris. That's hot.

Oh, that's brilliant. I look forward to using that. Okay. That's my Paris Hilton impression. What do you think? It's good. Yes, I think it's okay. The taps are so complicated.

Why do you turn to turn the shower into the tap water? Why does it look like Dr. Octopus? The bath sequence? It's too complicated, Dad. Get a simple one. Get a mixer tap. Just like that. I think you'll agree.

Hey, we've had a text that I'm sure is not for us. It's from 559 and they've got a potty mouth so I'm going to bleep a little bit out but they've texted I've booked the taxi can't get through on your phone.

Sorry about that. Three kisses. That could be Sally Ball for me. Although the kisses could be us. Yes. There's three so maybe it's one each, I don't kisses. That could be so evil for me. Although the kisses could be us. Yes. There's three, so maybe it's one each. I don't know. That's weird.

I'll tell you an interesting fact about Nicole Ritchie. Oh, go on. Do you know she got done for a DUI offence? Oh, yeah. Oh, you've gone a bit American for that. I love the DUI, driving under the influence offence, which obviously is very, very bad and we don't approve of that. But, you know when people get sentenced,

you hear that they've got nine years' imprisonment for some terrible crime and they say they'll probably serve about four and a half or something like that. Yeah. So she was sentenced to four days in prison, which I have never heard of. It's not worth sizing the outfit. What are you going to learn in that time? Four days. So sentenced to four days and she served 82 minutes.

What? Not bad. I mean, that's just a long think, really, isn't it? It is, yeah. By the time you've gone in and settled down in there... There's a toilet break. Yeah, you haven't had time to rattle the metal tin up and down the bars. Haven't had time to put the pyjamas on with the arrows.

No. Can I say... Get beaten up. She didn't even get beaten up. Nothing. Well, she might have, but it was brisk. Driving under the influence, you know, at least that makes some grammatical sense. It's infinitely preferable to drink driving.

Yes, which is... Which I'm afraid, I mean, you know, it's a... But it's all bad. Of course it's bad. Let's make that clear. It's very, very bad. I once saw drink driving happening simultaneously. Somebody driving...

As I was driving back from Liverpool, I passed somebody that was drinking Becks at the wheel. I mean, that is right out of order, isn't it? Sort yourselves out. Right out of order. Her husband, Nicole Ritchie, is, of course, the lead singer of Good Charlotte. Oh, yes.

You familiar with them? I'm sort of. I can't say I couldn't rattle off any Good Charlotte. Eyeliner, noughties. Does that sum it up for you? Emo, he's emo, Frank. He's one of the emo ones. Eyeliner is naughty.

No, eyeliner, noughties. He's emo. So he's, I mean, his post, I thought, I don't know though, when he said that, what did he say? That's hot. That's not very supportive. I mean, if I'd have had an incident like that

I'd want my partner to say I'm so glad you're okay we love you I don't want to make a joke and a fire emoji you'd think that that would be insincere

I think I think real love is when you know he goes I'm going to make a joke about this surely

Alan Coughlin on real love there I'm surprised when I watched her lean forward and her hair drop all my instincts would have been to hold my hair back if I'm leaning. When I watched her lean forward and her hair drop, all my instincts would have been to hold my hair back if I'm leaning over candles. You know, this is one of the things about weddings

that are a bit annoying. You know being sick with a tie on? You have to hold the tie. That's never happened to me before. I like it. No, come on, Frank. No, well, that's it. I mean, it it's difficult you know

and this is the trouble we're getting drunk on formal occasions just a little tip there we've been sent a lovely picture of Mrs Mills there's a Twitter account

called Time for Mrs Mills it's called A Regular Reminder of the Joy of Mrs Mills right and we've been sent

to link a solo piano player, but never alone, Frank on the radio, here playing something bright and jolly from Morecambe and Wise. We've been sent a link. Oh, it's lovely.

And it's got examples. I'll be listening to this later. Clip from Mrs Mills on Morecambe and Wise 1971, playing a melody of pop songs, including Ain't That a Grand and Glorious Feeling. Yes, sir, that's my baby. Before we get correctiones

You said a melody Of pop songs Yes Not a medley Oh I'm sorry they've written a melody Just establishing it wasn't Autocorrect getting in the way of that Oh yeah it probably is

I think my closest thing to a celebrity hair fire thing is I used to, for a few months, I hung out, me and David Baddiel used to hang out with Peter Cook, the comedian, and he smoked continually cigarettes and he had grey hair in a quiff and the quiff. And the quiff was yellow because the smoke constantly passed through it. That's gross.

I thought it was fabulous. I grew up when everyone had, like, two orangey-yellow fingers, their smoking fingers. Everybody had those. So, yeah, he'd taken it a step further with the yellow tobacco quiff little um showbiz reminiscences there of the great satirist oh well look you know what the the time is up it's been a ball we had a ball this time last

week i actually apologized for my uh performance on the show. Yeah, sure. It's better. I still feel bad about it. But this week, it's been all right, so that's good. And thanks for listening. You know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio.