The Frank Skinner Show - Salisbury Rat

Episode Date: January 27, 2024

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week we celebrate Frank's Birthday! Frank and Pierre have started their tour trips, the show has been pranked and Frank wants to know what's happened to Jedward.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. So this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow us on X and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk We were just talking about, what's it called? The Traitors? Yes. Or is it called Traitors?

It's called The Traitors. I don't know. The great danger of being the older DJ is putting these on the front of bands that don't have the... That's true. I think that's one of the big sins you can commit. And social media websites.

People saying the Facebook and stuff. Oh, yeah, I've never gone that bad. No. But... You know, thanks on the TikTok. Am I? Yeah. Am I?

You've got loads of followers. Well, speaking of TikToks, I had a lovely card from Andy Wood, you know, of Bronte country. Thanks, Wood. And he sent me, can you believe this? He sent me a Doctor Who pocket watch for my birthday, which is tomorrow. Oh, my word.

Look at that. Wow. It's got Gallifreyan etchings on it. Oh, my word. Look at that. Wow. It's got Gallifreyan etchings on it. Oh, wow. I can't think of a nicer gift for you. It's a beautiful thing. And a worse gift for me. And he's also sent me, not satisfied with that,

he sent me a wooden spoon with a Dalek on it and an 11th Doctor sonic screwdriver theme spork it says spork but i always like to call them a ronsable spoon and that is you know a spoon with a forky bit at the end sorry just to recap so you've got a wooden spoon with a dalek on it yeah okay i'm happy with that Yeah, I'm happy with that. I'll be used, because they are stirrers, the Daleks. They're less stirrers. That suggests they're sort of Machiavellian, aren't they?

Just straightforward aggressive. I was watching Dalek last night, actually, the Christopher Eccleston episode. My son said to me the other day, my 11-year-old, Buzz, something, when I think of a list of things that people have said to me, many of them, obscene, but when I think of a list and ones that have given me tremendous excitement, Buzz said to me,

you know, I think I'd like to watch more Doctor Who. So that was good news. Did he know the scale of what was inside that box he was opening? What he was inviting into his life. Probably not, but we got through nearly three episodes last night. Which era was it? It was Eccleston. Oh, Eccleston.

We went deep. That's one of the... Modern ones. That's one that would lure me in. Well, it's 2005, which I know was yesterday, but is actually 20... It was a long time ago. The ones that I struggle with...

I don't like the maths. The ones I struggle with a bit, Franco, when it gets very black and white and grainy. Oh, no. And people start talking like that.

It's all about... It's all about the stories. I don't mind people talking like that. So, Doctor. Hey, listen, here's the thing. What do you make of this?

I had a text from Johnny Dodkin, who is my tour manager, and P.A.'s tour manager this week. Yes. Lovely Johnny. And Johnny Dodkin sent me, I made some elaborate joke, and he sent back,

ha, ha, ha. You know, when people do that, we talk, sound. When I first got one of those, I thought, alright. And then I realised it is them saying I'm laughing. But then, I sent him a text I meant

to send to my partner, which said, do you mind putting the liver in? And, I think I might have to come back to this. A bit Hannibal. It wasn't a euphemism.

It was an actual, it was just pre-long. So anyway, I accidentally sent that text to my tour manager, can you put the liver in? Yeah. And he said to me something like, he came back and said, well, I've had stranger requests. And I said, sorry, not, you know when you say not for you?

And I said, sorry, I got confused. His previous texts, as I said, have been ha, ha, ha. I said, sorry, I got confused. But as you can imagine, I get quite a lot of ha-ha-ha texts. You didn't say that. I did. What? Why? Oh, my God. I love it.

When I'm in cat doors, I just get ha. That, by cat standards, is my partner, Kev, is a standing ovation. Yeah, is that how you pronounce it in your mind? Huh? Or is it a ha? Yeah, I think it's probably there's some exasperation. I think we've still yet to master

the art of showing appreciation at a joke via sort of digital communication, it always sounds incredibly insincere to me. Well, there's the ha-ha sort of logo thing. I hate it. Oh, OK. The reaction, yeah. You see, Frank, I've got to be honest,

you do sound very funny texts, and I never know what to put. Well, a woman stopped me in the street. I think I was just getting into the tour car, if I remember rightly. A woman stopped me in the street and said, are you the world's funniest comedian? And the reason she'd said that is because I was on the front of the Times and it had a picture of me and said underneath,

nobody's funnier than me. I think I was making a point about the level of self-confidence you need to get up on stage and just think this is going to be fine. Yeah. But... I think you should frame that.

They've made you look like it. I mean, basically, I was really just giving up my internal thoughts, which is never a good idea. They've made you look like a certain type of columnist. Well, it was a nice article in the Times, to be fair, and one of my favourite ever reviews, which I don't know if I'd ever put on a poster,

but I was very happy with it. I wrote this term, he said, that Frank Skinner, someone who just cannot resist rattling his marotte. Oh. I know. And I had to look it up, I'll be honest. But a marot is that thing that a jester has with a head on the end of it.

You know, weren't they rattly? Yeah, it's like a mini version of their own heads. Exactly. Yeah. I love that, because I do think there's something quite medieval about you. Yeah, it's my teeth. Oh.

But anyway, I want to come to this article before we go too far down that road He says I'm going to read this out actually Sorry, this is the article about you this week in the Times In the Times, yeah I don't want this to be all me, me, me Don't think that for a second Oh, we wouldn't No The very idea I don't want this to be all me, me, me. Don't think that for a second.

Oh, we wouldn't. No. The very idea. Pierre on the Frank Skinner radio show. But Pierre gets a message, right? A mention. A mention, rather. Yes.

So this is what it says. Go on. He's talking about, he likes the radio show a lot. He says it's peerless. But I'm right here. Yes. Oh! Peerless, I see.

Yeah. He's quick. Anyway, it said, discussing automatic cars this month, he said he was no longer a manual gear stick person. That's what I said. Yes, you did say that. I can confirm. Right.

I think I might do this in one solid lump after the break because it's an elaborate point. And I don't want to make it more difficult by having a sort of trapeze swing. I understand. In between. In between. Why's he not using that? In between. In between. Why's he not using

that? In between? Well, my son is 11, but he still has the odd, like, moody moments. Is he an in-b-t-e-n-y? In-b-t-e-n-a. Because he's in between being a child and a teen-o. Oh.

If you'd have seen the way Pierre was looking at me then Not disdain, disgust So yeah, so let's get this done So this was the quote It says that on the show This is what it said in the Times Discussing automatic cars this month

He, that's me, said he was no longer a manual gear stick person. His co-host, Pierre Novelli, in the Times, Lovely. Who accompanies him on the tour, oh, all the plunks, said this sounded like

someone who was half Spanish and half Icelandic. Do you get it? Emmanuel Geistic person. Manuel. Yeah, Manuel Geistic person. Skinner is not only witty, but the cause of wit in others. So in my own article, Pierre gets a joke and high praise for it.

It wasn't quite how I remembered it. No, I agree with that. We talked about this in the little tour. I'm still loving that you just read out something which says Skinner is not only witty. Cause of wit in others. Like a sort of salvation. Are you suggesting that he's

been misquoted a bit? Well, I said I'm no longer a manual gear stick person. And P.A. said that sounded like someone who's half Spanish and half Icelandic. Well, let's have a listen. I'm a manual gearbox person myself. Okay, yeah.

But automatically... You sound like Spanish, Nate. Manual gearbox person. Manual gear person. It's more Scandinavian. Half Spanish, half Scandinavian. Manuel Gearbox Person. Gearbox Person.

Manuel Gearbox. It's son of Gearbox Person. Yeah. Just clearing that up. I'm so am. The paper of record. Exactly. Paper with the facts.

Oh, no, he didn't. I'm on the cover. Moving on. I'm on the cover of Saga magazine this month. Frank, sorry, I like that it's world's funniest man. What did it say? There is no one funnier than me. There is no one funnier than me. Did you have your arms folded?

There's no one funnier than me and I've got the audio evidence. Did you have your arms folded in that picture as well, columnist style? No, I look genial. That's my new look, genial. Anyway, that was that. We've had a laugh this week, though, me and Pierre and Johnny Dodkin. We've been on the road. Oh, yeah.

How's it been going, lads, on tour? Yeah, it's been very fine, I would say. Have you done any cathedrals yet? We've done, yeah. We did Salisbury Cathedral. We did. Oh. But I think there's a church in Salisbury. How is that? Quite notorious, that one, isn't it? Is it? Well, yes. Well, the Russians.

The Russians. Do you remember? They said they had come to Salisbury to get, because they loved the cathedral. Oh. I don't remember that. Okay. But there's a nicer church than the cathedral called St Thomas'. Okay. Where they have a fabulous medieval doom painting.

And I walked out of there. We went in. It was great. Brilliant church. I'd recommend it. And free, unlike the cathedral. And I walked out, and there was a real thump against my ankle.

I thought someone had thrown a cricket ball at me or something. And I looked down, and a rat had run into my foot. Yeah. A rat was sort of slightly dazed, in a sort of a, oh, sorry, I can't stop kind of a way. I've got a lot on. Yeah, I'm late. I'm late for a very important look. A rat sort of a, oh, sorry, I can't stop kind of a way. I've got a lot on. Yeah, I'm late.

I'm late for a very important look. A rat sort of slightly, oh, oh, God, sorry. Sorry, everyone. And then off it went again. But it really walloped. Who gets run into by a rat? They avoid. They avoid people.

That's what they do. They don't run into them. Well, not Roland, right? He gravitates towards the showbiz. But of all the things I expected to happen in Salisbury, to be run into by a rat was not on my list. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, Ruth Jordan has been in touch. RJ i can't believe emily said there was something medieval

about frank and then he went and proved it by being run into by a rat yeah it was outside the church with the medieval doom painting you should have seen the doom painting is like um it's got heaven and hell on it and you go to your various places. And hell has got, like, basically a big fish eating people. That's how they've done it, hell. And heaven is a spa resort. There's people having lovely, like, showers in there. Hello, would you like to come through now, please?

Exactly. People in robes. That's what there is. Whereas, as we know, Frank, wearing a robe is sort of your idea of hell, really. Yes, I'm not into the robes. So we were... Yeah, we'd been on the road this week, me and Pierre,

and we were in a service station. We stopped for a coffee. Yeah. And a woman came over. What was that? Was it Costa we were in? Yeah, we were in sort of Costa's zone of influence. Yes. They have those areas of chairs and service stations.

Well, you don't know. Yeah, you might have accidentally gone into Harry Ramsden. Yes, exactly exactly it's like post-war berlin this is the zone for costa yeah but it's not clearly done i don't know if you get into trouble for sitting i went with omar into a services once and he said we'll eat in the services and then i realized he got you know the own food you know the own food thing he just he got, you know, the own food. You know, the own food thing. He just had got all these Tupperware boxes

out and had these fabulous corries and things. Yeah, and then Harry Ramsden himself sat down and said, where'd you buy that?

Started tapping his palm with his fist. Where did you buy that? Is he Yorkshire Ramsden? I don't know. Was Harry Ramsden a real person or was it just a franchise name?

Oh, no, it was pictures of him. Really? I know that doesn't mean anything, but there are pictures of Harry Ramsden in some of the shows. He's done well for himself. If the Colonel was a real person, Harry Ramsden better have been a real person.

The Colonel definitely was a real person. I've been to his grave. Yeah. I've seen the miniseries. Yeah. I'll never tell you what's in that recipe. So anyway, she says, what are you what's in that recipe. So anyway, she says, what are you doing

here, this woman said to me, and I said, I'm on tour at the moment. She said, oh, are you doing small places? Oh! Well, that was after, to be fair, you said that we were on our way to Bridport. I know, but... And her surprise

was enormous. Oh, Bridport was another one. What about this? We got into the electric palace in Bridport and the lady greeted us and said, oh, welcome to the electric palace. I hope you like ghosts. I just wanted to walk straight back

out again. I said, don't tell me anything. No stories. What was your childhood wish, Frank? My childhood wish was always, I hope to never see here or have anything to do with a ghost. That was my regular wish. And now, these years later,

in Bridport, of all places. Rats and ghosts. And I said, don't tell me about ghosts. She said, there's none on this floor. I said, just don't tell me anything. Also, when did they start to... When have they been restricted to floors, ghosts? The ghost of a darling.

Yes, I like the idea. They say, sorry, excuse me, you're strictly second floor ghost. Yeah, exactly. Jane mail only down here. How do you stop them when they can go through a brickwork? Oh, dear. It did that.

When Pierre was on stage, it made me tense in the dressing room on my own. Yeah. Oh, no. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yes, we went to... One of our gigs was Salisbury. Yes.

So we went to the cathedral, of course. They've got... You know when you have an infinity pool? You know hotels are very proud of their infinity pool? You know, the pool with no edge on it? What, they have that in Bridport? No, they didn't. But in what they had

in Salisbury Cathedral was a sort of infinity font. So they had a big modern font that had no end on it like that. It was sort of constantly spilling. Yeah. The surface of it was so perfectly flat that our guide explained that

tourists regularly mistake it for a sort of polished stone table put a bag on it just drop drop their phone into it yeah they think it's a table which i wish had happened while we were there oh i do so it's a sort of a you can baptize with it but it's also a prank table. I think that's a combination that isn't worked enough. I'm going to give you a guess, an Emily Dean guessing moment. There is someone buried in Salisbury Cathedral, and this, I think you'll get this, I'm fairly confident. This is a strap line. You know you get a strap line

on your gravestone. Bill Matter, as they used to call it in the musicals. I like how you've called it. Epitaph strap line. So this was his tagline. You know Bill Matter that says things like

I was looking at Don Black's let me see if I can find it. Is that the lyricist from Born Free? The lyricist, yeah. But he was a comedian originally, Don Black. And a friend of mine, Harry, sent a picture, a poster of his when he was at the Aston Hippodrome. of his when he was at the Aston Hippodrome. And it says, it's got some of the things that says things like,

the fabulous man, Drake, and his Bill Matters. The Bill Matters is the thing underneath. His Bill Matters is the man who manufactures nudes. What does that mean? Frank, your Bill Matter would be, there's no one funnier than him? Probably. It's quite a Bill, this. Anyway, there's Ford and Sheen and it says, underneath it says

Strips and Screams. Don't like that. But Don Black's Bill Matter was direct from the Club Panama. Anyway, this Bill Matter on the gravestone is, and I'm confident you'll get this, it was politician, musician, sailor. Oh, OK.

You know what I think we should do? Go on. I think we should let our readers think about this as well. Audition sailor. Oh. Okay. You know what I think we should do? Go on. I think we should let our readers think about this as well. Oh, but you know what they'll do? They'll Google. No Googling. Oh, will they? They can't watch them.

Audition? Not our solid core readers. The further you get from the tree trunk. The further away from our Praetorian guard. Yeah, exactly. They'll be Googling. Okay, I want to think about this. I want to come out with the right answer.

I don't have one instantly in my head. Okay. I thought you'd just go, ha! Oh, really? No, it's not an ah-ha for me. Okay, ha-ha-ha. Okay, well, I think as they say up north, think on. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. Now, I asked before the break about, there is a grave in Salisbury Cathedral and the bill matter on it is politician, musician, sailor. It's not Captain Crunch. Yes. No. All ashore that's going ashore

get Captain Crunch from your grocery store. He was, of course, buried in a big bowl of milk. He is, yeah. But I think he's settled a bit. So the coffin looks like it's only like a third full. I guess this successfully or fair. You'll have to just believe me. No, you did.

To be fair, almost immediately, the second week. Yes, I know. It took me a few minutes. I don't know why I was going down a more modern route and then I thought, of course. Our readers, though, they were straight to it. It's peak then. We've had everyone from 415, all the greats, Frank,

to 794 getting in touch. It is, of course, Ted Heath. Ted Heath, yeah. And as Chris 794 points out, Former Prime Minister. Without even looking at Google, I knew that it was Ted Heath. Well done, guys. Well, when I first started work,

that it was Ted here. Well done, guys. Well, when I first started work, we went through a period of only working for two days a week because there was power cuts and the country and the areas had to divide when they had electricity. That's mad.

I know. And I remember the Labour, the local Labour bloke in a by-election used the slogan, vote for Ted, have three days in bed. And I thought, oh, am I voting for Ted? Maybe I will vote for Ted. I don't think it's a good slogan. It's that the opposition will give you three days in bed.

Lovely. I mean, that's extraordinary. It's very not a bug, but a feature. I went to Everton West Brom at Goodison Park, and it was on a Sunday. I think it was one of the first football matches ever played on a Sunday in England, because that was when they had their electricity,

not on the Saturday. And then it turned out there was a law that you couldn't charge people to see a football match on a Sunday. And so what they did, they had a little photocopied team sheet that you had to buy for the ticket price to get in. But of course, looking back, any one of us could have said, no, I don't want a team sheet, thanks. I'm just going in for free. But no, I don't think anybody...

Had that gut. Well, just thought about it. Yeah. What I like is a lot of people have, when they've sent in the Ted Heath answer, they've put the Ted in parenthesis. They've said, it is Edward, brackets, Ted, Heath. Yes, no, well, They've said it is Edward brackets Ted Heath. Yes, no, well, fair enough.

Is he very brackets Ted? I suppose he was very Edward, but everybody called him Ted Heath. And also it was like, it also spoonerises to head teeth, which is a very good summary of what his caricature would mainly be. Why didn't he go Teddy like the Americans? Teddy's a much better name. Teddy Heath. No, I think that was around the

time of Teddy Kennedy it was a bit besmirched yeah you know goldfish in the rear view mirror where did a

musician come from for Teddy musician he used to play the organ I think the church organ yeah that's the musician oh, I think, the church organ.

Yeah, that's the musician. I think he was really good, actually. What? I just think there's something really funny about people that play the organ. Okay. I like the organ. I think it's amazing. I don't know, he'd have gone on with Reginald Dixon and his mighty Wurlitzer at the Gay Tower Ballroom. That was the name of it, by the way.

I think we both would have got on very well. Yeah, Reginald. One of those blokes who used to rise out the ground playing. He's already played. He didn't come on and say hello. He was discovered played. It's fantastic. Like he'd have played even if he hadn't come up from under the cellar.

He'd have just applied down there. Frank, quick question. Are you both on in Bury St Edmunds at some point? I believe you are. Because Ian Howell says... I think that's just me. You brought up a bit of an awkward thing. Oh, God.

I can't go to Bury St Edmunds. It's sacred ground. I set on fire. When Kath says to me when I reminisce about some gig yes I think that was a different girlfriend we've referenced

Bury St Edmunds Frank yes yes because you have got a gig I'm doing some gigs, song support. OK. But only next week, and then it's me and Pierre all the way till mid-June. Dream team. So Ian Howe has got in touch to say,

as you are going to be in Bury St Edmunds, do make sure you check out the Doctor Who exhibition at Moyes Hall Museum when you're in Bury St Edmunds, do make sure you check out the Doctor Who exhibition at Moyse Hall Museum when you're in Bury St Edmunds. I've been to Moyse Hall. I was there not so long ago and they had a sort of urban street art exhibition, which I wasn't expecting. And then they had some they had some terrible

torturing implements exhibition. Okay. And all that stuff. You know those cages that they used to put dead bodies in? A gibbet.

A gibbet. Yeah, they had a gibbet. I've never been it's quite funny when they try to be sort of horrible histories whimsical about these horrible objects.

Yeah, it was. It always smells of damp a bit and I don't like it. It was like London Dungeons where they sort of go, oh, and we'd have pulled off your fingers and you go, oh. It was very good. That's bad. It seemed to you I'd never heard of that place, but it was a good place.

Anyway, Ian continues. I mean, they did their horrible exhibition very well. Yeah. Ian continues. It's only five minutes their horrible exhibition very well. Yeah. Ian continues. It's only five minutes from the theatre. I know it. I've been there. OK, OK.

Just bear with. It's only five minutes from the theatre. Have a great evening. And then Ian signs off. Do well, as they say in Suffolk. Do well. It's good, isn't it? Do well.

I quite like it, yeah. Let's try it out. Imagine if I said, OK, see you soon, Frank. Oh, yeah, good to see you. Do well. I don't like it. OK.

Would you say do well in Suffolk for anything, or is it about the fact that you're there to do a gig or to go do something? I think he just means live life to the full. What did it mean? I remember your great friend Adrian Childs once, we were all out somewhere, I think he just means live life to the full. Do well records forever. I remember your great friend Adrian Childs once, we were all out somewhere,

and I said, oh, bye, Adrian. He went, all right, mind how you go. Yeah, mind how you go. Mind how you go. Mind how you goo. It would have been if you hadn't lived in posh old Hagley. Mind how you goo. Well, I always find that a bit threatening,

mind how you go. I've been watching... Good advice to Slimer from Ghostbusters. Mind how you go. Well, I always find that a bit threatening, mind how you go. I've been watching... Good advice to Slimer from Ghostbusters. Mind how you go. Oh, very fine. Oh, we've all strung up in the Times again. I've been... Going for his Times quote.

As long as they don't credit me with that one. I'm instructing my solicitors. Dear sir. Dear sir. Dear sir. So when I have me lunch at home, I sit and watch the TV alone. What do you watch? Well, it depends.

Often I watch, you know, the match of the day that I missed. Hang on, I'd like to picture your lunch. You come downstairs, you've looked up. Liver in the oven. You make yourself... Liver in the oven, You make yourself... I see it with a sandwich. Liver in the oven, I know, I know. So you make yourself a light lunch, a light bite.

I might have a fish cake and cheese sandwich. Extraordinary. Par exemple. And then what I've been watching with tremendous enthusiasm, just like, is Elizabeth R. Oh, I love her. Or as they say in the black country, Elizabeth R. And with Glenda Jackson as Elizabeth I.

You know what? It's brilliant, absolutely. And I bet your parents knew almost everyone, innit? Everyone. And don't get me started on backstage. And she's probably my mightiest celebrity crush ever, Glenda Jackson. Yes, I love that you loved her. Even, like, with the slightly shaved head of Elizabeth I,

she looks even better in many ways. So, yeah, if you've... I think it's on the catch-ups. I would like to put forward for TV suggestions from the 70s, iClaudius as well. iClaudius. What I like about iClaudius is it sounds a bit like a shop,

like H. Samuel. Yeah. Yeah. Did you sell Roman jewellery? I got this toga at iClaudius. Yeah. On sale. Ian Claudius is the owner.

I.Claudius. You like iCarly? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you believe there's two shows called iCarly and iClaudius, both being an i.C, sort of i, comma, C, and so different. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What happened to Jedward there?

I think they've been locked away for their own safety, haven't they? Oh, they all seem such nice lads, Jedward. When I think, you know when you say, I remember saying to a well-known comedian once, when I think of you, you're always in a toilet doing cocaine. And he took exception to it. But you know when you think of people, you picture them in a certain context.

Do you get that? I think of you probably reading Pierre. I'll tell you how I think of you. I think I may have told you this. Go on. Buckle up. No, I think this is quite nice. I think of you walking over one of the London bridges

with a scarf, looking a bit Beckettian, a bit Samuel Beckett slash George Orwell. Right. Just, yeah, that's how I think of you. Just braving the elements. I like one of the London Bridges. That's good. Well, when I think of Jedward, they're leapfrogging.

Yeah, they are impish. Yeah, they are. I think they're the sort of people that if you had some terrible threesome with them, one would lie with his head at the top. Sorry, what's going on? And one would lie with his feet so he looked 10 feet, 15 feet tall. You know what I mean? It would all be jokes.

Like a big disguise. It would all be pranks with them. I think Jed would set the sort of leprechaun stereotype battle back decades. Do you? I quite like them. I think Jedward set the sort of leprechaun stereotype battle back decades. Do you? Well, I quite like them. They remind me of some of the strange areas you're going through. They look to me like the disciples with tongs of flame

on their heads. What would you do if you'd seen them in the Doom painting? Oh, that would have been terrifying. I hope they still work. If anyone knows, what happened to Jedward, 12-8? 8-12-15. 8-12-15. Speaking of impishness.

If I haven't got it on a bit of paper. No, I know. You were going to say something. I was going to say a few things. 3-9-6, but then we went into your Jedward era. Yeah. 3-9 396. Hi, Frank.

Surely I, Claudius, which FYI, I was referencing pre-break. Hi, Frank. Surely I, Claudius, is like a normal Claudius, but with rounded corners and sold by Apple. I'd love an I, Claudius. Yeah, that would be good. What would that be, Frank?

Like a Roman tablet? Yes. I'd love that. Of course I'd read the Roman Catholic tablet by Gesine. That doesn't count. Well, Frank, speaking of impishness, we, as a show, have been a victim of impishness. What have we done?

We've been pranked. Have we? We were pranked last week and we didn't even know. What happened? I hate being pranked. No, there's nothing worse. What happened? I hate being pranked. No, there's nothing worse. What happened? Well, cliffhanger.

I hope this isn't someone lied to us about something. Because to me that is like a vroos in the machine. And unforgivable. So let's see what happens with this one. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So, regarding the way we've been pranked.

Yes. The subject line of this email was, Radio Deceit. A very popular station. Yeah. I listen to that. I know so many listen to that a lot. Absolute hogwash. radio spin off of Traitors

Traitors and it's celebration of the darker sides of human nature People going what I'm really good at is really manipulating people I'm glad you at is, like, really manipulating people. Oh, I'm glad you're on television being celebrated for that. That's good. That'll be good for society. That's responsible. Yeah.

Sorry, carry on. I know it's very popular, but we know else was very popular way back in the 30s. Lewis in Haddonham, regarding radio deceit. Yeah. Says, dear Frank, Emily and Pierre, long-time podcast listener, praise redacted. I just thought you'd like to know, I couldn't help but notice a potential radio faux pas

in last week's episode. Oh, I don't know. That'll be another good station. Radio faux Pa. I think we've already nailed it. We've tuned in. Whilst discussing football tactics and you were saying, Frank, that you've watched

football your whole life and you haven't picked up any of them. No, I've learnt nothing. And someone kind of agreed with you and said, oh yes, I hear you. They said, oh yes, me neither neither I don't know anything about football tactics either while discussing football tactics

a message oh I can guess what's coming in what do you think did they use the name of a football manager as a jokey thing they did

and we missed it it's my fault I must have missed it they were purporting to be Mickey Beale in Sunderland and as Lewis points out Michael Beale

is the much criticised Sunderland manager and the message last week followed their Beale is the much criticised Sunderland manager. And the message last week followed their 1-0 loss to Hull City on Friday night. Well, they cheated with the Mickey. Come on. It is true. No, we fell for that. No, but it's like if they'd said Michael Arteta.

I might have been suspicious of the Arteta, but that's not the name. How's this for a fun sort of Poirot or detective phrased style sentence that Lewis adds? It would appear on this occasion the show was caught out by a radio prankster. Possibly a Geordie, one might suggest. Well, I think it's probably a Maccombe criticising his own. Yes, I would think so.

His or her own manager. But I like the idea of Sherlock Holmes saying, possibly a Geordie. Yes. Yes, I'll get the, what are they called? There's something like the Baker Street Misunderstoods. Oh. The small boys.

The Irregulars. The Irregulars, yes. Sorry, I'm still absorbing, but you know who else was very popular. Oh, anyway. Yes. Where are... What's happening? What's the name of this show? Who am I?

Well, there are some missives. Has anyone tracked down Jedward, by the way? No, still missing. What if they are actually missing? We'll feel terrible. I had a few things I wanted to just some business I need to take care of. Would that be alright? Well I doubt we're going to do it now because the producer's doing that thing

of telling us time's up but in such a nuanced subtle way that no one's noticed it. On the plus side, Fierce Ponytail she's rocking today. I haven't looked over my shoulder yet. I'll give it a go. What else? Well, we've got company.

Are we going to announce our company? We don't often get friends in. Daisy Knight has arrived. Daisy Knight! Daisy Knight! get friends in daisy knight has arrived daisy knight daisy used to be um well she was the assistant producer for a while making tea and stuff like that and then she became the producer and now she ascended even further than that now she's like she runs everything my management company she sort of runs radio and podcast everything.

So it's a bit like the Royal Visit. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, but you know what? She's got a great look on today. If it was a romantic comedy, she's got the date on the Sunday. Fair old jumper, James. Oh, the date on the Sunday. It's a Sunday date.

Maybe an ice rink. Oh. Yeah. We've had some previously. Yes. Correspondence, as we like to call it, that I'd like to share with you, Frank. Oh, yeah. If you're okay with that. Yeah.

I'm waiting. Alright. Slightly impatiently. No, unlike you. Yes. James, who says, refers to himself as a 33 year old reader in Manchester, in brackets for the corporate stats

now already I'm in with James yes, yes, he's won us over early he really has, hello Frank, Emily, Pierre and whoever the producer is this week wow it's the producer's always Sarah when she turns up. I know.

Voice of controversy? OK, I'm sorry. Long-time reader, first-time scriber. Oh. Medieval. Yeah. I saw you two perk up. Yeah.

I'm writing to inform you all of the influence... It's a describer, though. When you describe something, it's the idea that you are taking it from the written into the visual. Of scribing. Because you describe it. Ask one of your Caxton friends. Just wondered. Jenny Foote is nodding.

Is that true, Jenny? It sounds right. Oh, no, it sounds right. Save that for the jury. It sounds right. Oh, no, it sounds right. Save that for the jury. It sounds right. Is that never one fair maiden? It is a medieval theme this morning. Fair with a Y.

Come on, what's this? Is it Michael? Yeah, James. I'm trying, but you keep interrupting, asking medieval questions. It's one of the standard English male names. I'm trying, but you keep interrupting, asking medieval questions. It's one of the standard English male names. I'm trying, but you stop talking about Fair Maiden. Alright. I'm writing to inform you all of the influence

the great Frank Skinner has had on my life. Gosh. Since he drew my attention to a certain corn-based spicy snack. Ah. Frank was so enthusiastic and the reaction of Emily so repulsed that I had to seek

out a bag. We'll put that in a box for now. Yes. I am now a Takis addict. To such an extent, I've just taken receipt of an entire box simply to feed the addiction and reduce the cost to only a moderately extortionate level.

We should say that Takis is the super hot snack that I eat on the show every day. And as it's my birthday tomorrow, I've received gifts from the team. Okay. And including a Takis dip, which is like a sherbet

dab, with a Takis on a stick that you dip into the ultra-hot powder, which coats the average takis. So what that would be like, I can't... That would be like being a fire eater. I think if you opened that packet and sort of whirled it in the air of a busy restaurant,

you'd clear it out. Yeah? It would be like setting off a... Oh, that would be a classy thing to do, wouldn't it? A tear gas bomb or something. Do you want to know what James, the 33-year-old reader, said? Do you want to know how he ends? He says,

Who knew a bag of luminous volcanic ash dust... volcanic ash-dusted corn pipes would not only lead me to message in for the first time to any show, but also, through the successful marketing campaign of Mr Skinner, urge me to actually buy something for the first time, not of my

own curiosity. No, well, that's good. I mean, can I emphasise again, I gain nothing. I'm not on any deal with Takis. All he's done is embarrass himself. I don't need free Takis. You know what? I can buy my own Takis.

That's all I'm saying. Boasting. So, yes. Independent woman, Beyonce. I get nothing from this other than... I buy my own tackies, guys. I just like to share happiness and that sensation of the lining

coming off your stomach. I'd just like to read out the second in a series of emails I'm calling brands that haven't paid us a penny, yet we continue to promote them. Well, that's all right. I think one can say what one likes in life. Well, exactly.

This is from Trudy. Do you think people think I'm getting money from Elizabeth R.? Yes. I haven't said how good that was. Getting some ducats. And I'm obviously getting paid by Ike Claudius. Himself.

And H. Samuel sends me the odd little clasp. He sends me a Diamante clasp on a regular basis. Is there a man called H. Samuel? There's got to be. Harry? Sure. Why not? Could be Harry. Harry Samuel. I don't like your vagueness.

I could embarrass myself socially. It's true. Trudy has got in touch. Dear Frank and team, I was so taken with the description of your Qubits experience that I've booked to go to the Leeds branch in February and I can't wait. Frank, you're bringing business into these people.

You won't regret it, Trudy. I'm telling you. Cubits. This is Frank's optician that he's become almost borderline unhealthily obsessed with. It's an optician slash cult, from what I can tell. They've got a magazine, a podcast. They give you bags.

They have a podcast. Don't forget their ever-changing modern art. Serrated edge glasses wiper. They discourage friendships outside of the Qubits group. Outside of Qubits? Yeah. They come to your door, we hear you've been talking badly about Qubits. They don't do any of those things.

Anybody who criticises Qubits is a suppressive person. They disappear. Yeah. No, again, I get no money from Qubits, but I just like to bring happiness into people's lives. I think they are the high priest of the opticians. What if they use that on their... They won't use that.

That'd be their title. Who's going to use that? I wouldn't say it's a snappy marketing line. No, exactly. And also there'd be Anglicans thinking, well, I'm not going there. So they all talk. With an incense about Cupid.

A bit of Anglican satire on the show for you this morning. Do you remember that joke? It's probably not a joke you've ever heard, but it used to be. Here we go. How do you know that E.T. is an Anglican? Because he looks like one. What joke is that?

It's a Catholic joke, is what it is. Now I've said it. Is that in the fun pages of the tablet? Exactly. Near all the cartoons. So, for example, if you told that joke to... Would all your friends get that? I wouldn't tell it to the A, B or C.

What would the Archbishop of Canterbury say if you said that? I don't know if he'd like it. I think he'd say, in a way, we're all eating. Yeah. I wish he would say that. What would the Pope say? Would he like that? No.

He'd say, OK. Oh, would he? But he doesn't understand it. Does he not? No. Oh, make an effort. Yeah, come on, Pope. Sorry.

The trouble is, you get that old and you think, is it worth learning a new language? Yeah, it's true. It's true. Yeah, come on, pup. Sorry. The trouble is you get that old and you think, is it worth learning this language? Yeah, it's true. It's true. So am I. What age does it stop becoming worth it? 8, 12, 15? Well, honestly, I would say...

In the UK, 14. I remember about... Apparently. Yeah. Oh. Oh. I remember about two years ago thinking, you know, I've probably got enough shoes now.

Do you? To last me. You think so? To last me all the way. All the way home. I don't like all the way. I don't like all the way, frankly. Oh, man.

I know, it's a worry. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yeah, you had some correspondence, I know, it's a worry. Yeah, you had some correspondence which I thought felt quite you. Yeah. Well managed, Em. She was just going to sit there staring at the wall, but you came in. I dashed in. As my reliable lieutenant. I dashed in like the Salisbury Rat.

Yes. Yeah, you did. Come on. Tom Smith in Chester. Yeah. Says, dear friends, which I like. Yeah. Long time reader, first time listening.

Which is an odd, I'm not sure what he means by that. No, I think first time listening. Maybe he's just... Maybe lying, if he means... Oh, I see yeah maybe whilst watching the Brad Pitt film

World War Z oh yes I believe you know I believe Peter Capaldi is in that and he

is from the World Health Organization and so his credit includes the word who well this is it he says he notices that Peter Capaldi is in there

and is a World Health Organisation or WHO employee and it struck me that he was playing a WHO doctor ah yes well that is true but I must say it has been like the fact that Big Mo is Gary Oldman's sister is this a Big Mo? It is a Big Mo

well I didn't know this. In Doctor Who circles, it is mentioned a great deal. Can I just say? No, but well spotted. If he spotted it himself, he still spotted it himself. Does a Doctor Who... I mean, is it a Big Mo, though? It's like they...

It's like... I think. Really? But I think it's bait, as the young people say. Well. What does bait mean? Well, according to a list I saw, it means obvious or well-known. Okay.

Yes, well, this is... We've had riz as the word of the year, which we discussed. Yes. Are you confident in using it, Frank? Well, I was talking about, do you remember, Rasputin. Rasputin, yeah. Because Rasputin attracted the ladies in Russia.

I thought that was Pierre's joke. I read it in The Times. Oh, yes. It's the paper of record. I'm sorry, The Times absolutely said that was Pierre Novelli's joke. I mean, I'm all for helping the young comics coming up. Can we talk about this survey, please?

OK. Oh, what survey? Oh, yes, the survey of new words. You just mentioned Bait, and I read something this week. There was a survey. It was a group of, it used to be called TEFL in my day. Oh, what does that mean? English in a foreign language.

Oh, yes, TEFL teachers. TEFL teachers. So it was a group of teachers who were teaching English as a foreign language to international students. Oh god that was the job wasn't it for people who couldn't think of what job to do. Yeah what do they do now those people? They're life coaches now. life coat is now. Frank, do you trust life coach? Well, I've never spoken to a life coach. I don't really need it. My life is... It's quite good. Yeah.

You've got enough shoes. What do you think they say to you, life coach? Do they just say, you can do it? Well, they wouldn't say, that's probably enough shoes. They don't have that kind of dominance. They're not brutally pragmatic like that. If I had a life coach, I'd want to say, could I come and see what sort of house you live in first?

Do you know what I mean? Because if it's got that life coach... I don't think they'd let you do that. Well, then that tells me everything. I would try and trick... There should be a test with a life coach where you deliberately suggest something mad. I'm thinking of quitting my job and leaving my family and becoming a dancer.

And if they say, you should do that, that's a great follow your heart. Then you go, aha. I shouldn't listen to a thing you say. But isn't it the whole thing with people in all forms of counselling and that don't say anything is the idea. If I said I'm going to kill my next-door neighbours with an axe, they'd say, well, why do you think you want to do that? Don't do that! What are you talking about? You're out of your mind!

I'm going to get the police. But they're saying, well, OK. I think they have an obligation to report crime. Half an hour down the line, you're saying, hey, what kind of an act? One of those from Lidl. One shaped like your father. Do you think so?

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What about 944? I'm driving with Do Not Disturb turned on. I will see your message when I arrive at my destination. Yeah, lovely message from a robot. Well, that's obviously an automated one, but I think people should check, because they can sound a bit sinister, these automated ones.

I don't think I've ever had one of those. Have you not? No. Daisy, who's in today, gives you them. You often get Daisy has silence notifications. I do, I haven't heard of. Those people were helping me with the road accident

I'd been in which I couldn't remember. Yes, yes. He used to text me often. I never hear from him anymore. Yes. What do you want them to say? You want them to be like

the Qubits friends? What are the few people with fickle scammers? Fair weather scammers. Any road. Where were you at my imaginary car accident? We were, when we were wandering around. Salisbury?

Yes, at the cathedral. We had a free tour. Oh, it's that motorbike. Yeah. Just outside the Ace Cafe today. Broadcasting. As we all know, the louder the motorbike, the outside the Ace Cafe today. Broadcasting. As we all know, the louder the motorbike, the cooler the rider. Very cool.

So we were in there and we had a free tour, which was nice. And we went to a tomb, the tomb of John Chaney. Oh, he had a thing to do with lawn? No, it was spelt like Dick Chaney. Do you remember Dick Chaney? Oh, he only thinks of a lawn? No, it was spelt like Dick Chaney. Do you remember Dick Chaney?

Oh, I remember Dick. Who is John Chaney? Dick Chaney was a big friend of Prince Albert. Oh, the fang. It's disgusting. Monica. It's absolutely disgusting. They probably did meet. I bet they met and neither of them were sufficiently witty to say, hey, I'm Prince Alton, but that never happened. Anyway, John Chaney was, he fought the Battle of Bosworth Field

against Richard III, okay? And the theory is he was six foot eight. And even in, I mean, everyone says, you know, everyone was smaller in those days. It's one of the few things people know about history, that people were smaller. You just have to go to the old clothing shops. Well, yeah, you wouldn't get armour.

Speak for yourself. You might get a more. My, I hate. It'd be great to go to, there's some parts of London posh enough where there's armour in the Oxfam. Yeah, the Oxfam shop. Someone just came in with a... We've just taken some old clothes down there

that didn't fit us anymore. We have to go to Oxfam and say I'd like to have a look through the clothes of the dead. Anyway. John Chaney. So he was telling, the tour guide from the free tour was telling us about this Mr. Dead. Anyway. John Chaney. So he was telling the tour guide from the free tour was telling us about this.

And he said that at one point, Richard III knocked John Chaney off his horse and his helmet broke. You know when they crack, you're supposed to not use them again. Like non-stick pants. So his helmet. I think with crash with crash helmets if i

remember rightly if you if you get a bang on your crash helmet you're not supposed to use it what about ninja turtles they're always getting up those ones i know but they already have their own carapaces let's not forget anyway so according to the the guide, there was a bull there on the battlefield. Could happen. A dead bull. A dead bull, was it? Who he scalped. He cut the top of the bull's head off.

And then he wore the top of the bull's head as a helmet. Who did this? Sorry, John Chaney. John Chaney. Yeah. Well, did he? I was thinking bull the whole time he was telling us that. Did you?

I was thinking you've mixed up conducting a minor tour with a minor tour. That's what I thought. Please tell me you didn't say that. That's what I was thinking. If you'd said that at the time, they would have interred you then and there. I know.

In the cathedral. I would certainly have been interred. then and there. I know that. In the cathedral. I would certainly have been interred. I admit that. I admit that. Of the bull, I think. Yes. So I had to stall. But that, could anyone?

Did you heckle her? You didn't go, yeah, right, did you? Well, I had to make sure he wasn't in the Richard III Society, who were menacing online presence. You had to be careful. But this is not anti-Richard III, guys. If you're listening, I'm saying I don't believe that John Chaney put a bull's head,

wore it as a hat. How did he get everything out of the head? Well, exactly. There's stuff in heads. What? People have seen too many. More revelations to come. Yeah.

People have seen... There's stuff in it. There is stuff. You learn something every week on the show. People have seen that as you two guys that were on TFI Friday. You thought our heads must be hollow. They're not real heads, are they? It's all sorts of stuff in them.

My head's packed. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. So anyway, yes. So the Salisbury... Oh, yeah, no, the thing in Salisbury Cathedral is the bumping stone. Yeah.

And when you're a boy chorister... I don't know. On your first day, they bang your head against this stone as a sort of initiation. Seven times. Is it seven times? Quite a few times. Is it hot sharp, the stone?

There's a big indentation in the stone, years of banging boys' heads onto it. It's got a sort of groove in it. It looks like a stone version of an aeroplane pillow. And the tour guide, Ernie, said one of the guides there was a chorister there. And he said when they do it, they properly... He said he remembers.

Really bang your head on the thing. Well, he said it was dependent on people's social opinion of you as a colleague. And if you're a particularly irritating child, then the other children would take their chance to smack your head into a cathedral. The old-fashioned bombs is alright without banging people's heads on it. Anyway, so we wandered round

Salisbury and Pierre absolutely got his shopping head on. What do you mean? He started buying things from the shop? Yeah and he shopped until he dropped I bought a rat Tell me what you bought! What's he called? Viv Nicholson? I'm going to spend

spend spend Although I don't normally, I mean Lotto Laut didn't, I don't know how much cash he spent at Salisbury Cathedral gift shop No but this was. We went into... We wandered around. I will say I had a gift card from my family from Christmas.

Burning a hole in my jeans. What is it? A cathedral gift card? A cathedral gift card. Yeah, but it was a gift. No, it was a water stone. A gift card? It wasn't specific. No, you must only buy from Salisbury Cathedral. We bought you this gift card for churches. No, but it was a 30 quid gift card

and Pierre bought a 66 quid illustrated Ulysses by James Joyce. That's why I love him. Then we went next door and I bought a bento box from Smiggle.

I bought a bento box from Smiggle. What I liked when we were in Smiggle was, A, the image of you and me surrounded by neon Hello Kitty backpacks. Oh, yes. As though we were just going, hmm, perhaps one of these. And then I liked you and the shopkeeper both stroking a particular bento box and commenting on it as if it was sort of fine fur. Okay, feel that. It was all... Think of that texture. It had a lovely texture.

Really? It had like a slightly rubbery bento box. Oh, you had one of those, what is it, ASMR? It was a bit. Yeah. What is that? Will you tell them, Pierre? It's when people like to listen to videos

where people make small sounds. We've told you about that. Like flicking brushes and whispering. You know, when they go like... Yeah. Yes, you did tell me that before. Yeah. Yeah, that's...

I don't like that at all. Okay, well, we know where we stand. No, I don't. You do, however, like the Ulysses book, £66. £66, and it was massive. It was very heavy. Of course it was. Yeah, really.

Would you have bought it? No. You wouldn't have gone over the gift card price, let's be honest. No, I like to get it tight. That's it. Down to the penny. You know you see those men at petrol garage pops going... Are you one of those?

And then trying to get it on zero, and then sometimes they go... If you get to O2... £89 and a penny. Well, I was going to say, if you get to, let's say, O2, would you have to go up to the next digit? Well, no, you've got to be able to get it in the tank. I'm not going to start filling my pockets. No, there was a Colombian, I think he was, serial killer,

who killed... Absolute radio. Who killed 100 people. And I thought he was one of those blokes wasn't he who stood on the fork getting his butt on and that's the worst thing about it Oh you just polish off the hundred

and think oh I can relax now I can retire. Exactly get rid of me tools Oh dear. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. My choice, Frank, has been endorsed by Claire.

My book choice. Oh. She says, I have Joyce envy now. I saw the same Ulysses on counter two weeks ago and I almost spent

my 11-year-old's book token on it. Oh, that would be wrong. I might still go back and do that, TBH. No, don't do that. And how's this for a bit of a humble brag? Hashtag long-time listener, that's nice. Hashtag second-time Ulysses reader.

Oh! I did! Someone likes incomprehensible books. How many pages? I know. Because I had a copy at university from the library and it said the previous student had written 799 pages in no punchline. Well, Terry Wogan told me that he'd read Finnegan's Wake. Is it Finnegan's Wake?

Yes. And I didn't know until recently that that ends with the same sentence it begins with so you're supposed to just read it in a circular fashion forever. Big loop like a leaflet in a dentist's waiting room. Yeah, it's

by the way I did the I looked up the that illustrated Ulysses. Yeah. And on Amazon, it was £45.12p. No, support the high streets. No.

Sorry, can I just say, you looked it up afterwards. I know, but it said 28% off. Yeah. Recommended retail price, £62.99. So you still overcharge. Waterstones went £3 over the RRP. RRP?

That's scandalous, isn't it? We were laughing at the idea because afterwards we went to the works to look at their infinite notebooks. We were laughing at the idea of going to the works and the same book being on sale for sort of £4. The works is correct. The works is a shop that you can't quite embrace because it's always closing.

Oh, no. Oh, it's still closing. Oh, the Works. Was it £66? Is the Waterstones in the cathedral? No. Oh, okay, fine. Merely on the high street.

Fine, OK. I just needed to know. Oh, so, anyway. Sarah Champion is up next. Listen to Sarah. I'll just say, a meal is on before us. Has just bought me in three packets of tackies and a card. What a lovely guy.

He is unhandsome. OK. Hackets, attackies and a card. What a lovely guy. He is. And handsome. Okay. Well, I didn't know I liked ice skating until about three years ago. Anyway, episode four of... Extraordinary way to end the show. Episode four of Frank Skinner's Poetry Podcast is out on Wednesday. It's Jessica Traynor this week, who is a dazzling new poet. May I say I loved your proof, Rock, dear.

Oh, thank you. Anyway, download it wherever you get your podcasts. Unless you get them from Waterstones. I'd go somewhere cheaper. So it's my birthday tomorrow. I'm going to go for a bit of a birthday lunch with my radio family, including Aunty Daisy, who's coming especially.

There's been, I think, two happy birthday messages from our readers. Thanks for that. You've got custard doughnuts. I've got custard doughnuts. That's what counts. So if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.