The Frank Skinner Show - Saloon Bath

Episode Date: August 20, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank and Emily are joined by Zoe Lyons. Frank has received a gift and the gang discuss a shoplifting seagull, posh friends and cowboy boots.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Zoe Lyons is here this morning. Text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. What are you giggling at, Emily D? Zoe and I are being naughty in the back of the car. I know, it's you two together. I'm going to knock your heads together. Probably can't do that anymore.

Can I just kick off briefly with something? Because this doesn't often happen to anyone ever, which is someone getting in touch to say they started re-watching Merlin after hearing you on the show. This is Lisa. Do you want to know her verdict? I do. She's an avid reader, by the way.

It's on demand, I notice, at the moment. Not in my house. No, all mine. Sorry, Frank. Lisa says superb. Great review. Just for some I don't know

I don't know if this perhaps explains things more I'm a 10th Doctor fan Oh okay So it's one of your lot Yeah And nothing could live up to my David Tennant But Colin Morgan comes a close second Thanks for

Again not something you hear that often Reawakening my Merlin passion Wow Fantastic That sounds like an amazing euphemism for again not something you hear that often reawakening my Merlin passion Wow missing people are mocking about it from the outside but once you get inside it's like the heroin community from the outside looks pretty bad but once you know you're making friends there you know the places how old is Merlin I'm complete I don't know what you're talking about merlin is uh it's a tv show that was a sort of saturday we on that saturday tea

time slot yes people and i'm aware of it younger people uh and uh and me yeah and it was on channel five which is very fine on channel five was it something like that? No, no, it was BBC One. Are you sure? Are you sure it was? I'm absolutely sure. Okay. And it has Richard Wilson as Keyes, which is like the advisor to the young Merlin. Oh, so it's a young Merlin? Yeah, yeah.

It's Colin Morgan's young, handsome Merlin. Oh, so he's still got a sort of slightly tighter sleeve at that point. him before. So he's still got a sort of slightly tighter sleeve at that point. Yes, he's got the tight sleeve and he hasn't gone for the chiffon free wimple, which he wears in later life.

The wizard always goes for the forgiving tunic later in life. Well, I think that's for sleight of hand, isn't it? Because Gandalf also has a lot of flares, but not on his legs. He goes for the, yeah. We know, they're very handy

those, muumus. A muumuu. What's a muumuu? A flared sleeve? Over to Zoe Lyons? It's like a flared sleeve, yeah, sort of a tunic-y type. You have a caftan? Yeah, a caftan. I love a caftan. Do you?

Do you know what, This is the weird thing about me. I have a sort of secret crush on sort of 70s style men in caftans. Oh, Demis Roussos. Demis Roussos

is my absolute go-to guy. We will be forever. There's something about a caftan and a cowboy boot combo that just really sets me off. I don't like the way the fringes about a caftan and a cowboy boot combo that just really sets me off. I don't like the way the fringes of the caftan

sit on the top of the cowboy boot. No. You're constantly pulling it out, constantly adjusting. Oh, I don't like a cowboy boot with no purchase on anything. Do you understand what I'm saying? I don't like it floating. The idea of a man lifting up his caftan and there's just these little booties.

It's the humped top of the cowboy boot against bare leg. Oh, I hate it. I used to do a show called Room 101 in the old days on television and Charles

Dance, in fact, even though I always say my A's like sand and glass, when I say Charles Dance, I feel I ought to say Charles Dance. And he had jeans on and he sat and as the show progressed, the jeans steadily rised up his leg and I thought, when will this cowboy boot end? Is it like cowboy boot trousers? Waders, for when you're wading on the prairie. Charles Dance was wearing cowboy boots. Oh yeah, he's very

cowboy boots, Poshboy. Oh yes, the Poshans love a cowboy. I think he swims at the Hampstead Lido on a regular basis. In his cowboy boots. Charles Dance. I think he takes them off for that. Puts them next to his stetson.

Yeah. No, but you know the portions, they'd probably keep them on. Oh, load of stuff and nonsense. Keep them on. Keep them on.

Good for you. Keeps the legs down. He's my kind of posh bloke, Charles Dance. Because he was, you know, he plays banjo and stuff like that.

Oh, does he? Yeah. He's a lovely friend of yours. Why don't you cultivate that friendship role? Because I am frightened of him. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, what's popped up on my screen? I don't like that.

Do you ever get that? You get a pop-up with all the weather and all the various bits. I don't like that. I don't want to know. No, i get sports wear do you always getting sports wear that i why why me what sort of sports wear then you know um sort of under the scene behind the scenes people in you know track suits sometimes i'll get an all-in-one swimsuit advert. I don't remember buying any.

I mean, I go on football websites and maybe that makes... Yeah, I get bombarded with adverts for terry-toweling shorts. Do you really? Yeah. You shouldn't have done that incontinent, Edwin, for a show. But, you know, it was from the heart, mostly. It was certainly very warming. It was very warming.

Not a dry seat in the house. Frank gets bombarded with the walk-in baths. Oh, yeah. Viral ads, because that's what he likes to Google late at night. He likes the ladies in those. Do they have the door on the side of a bath? They do. I wouldn't trust a seal on that.

I've got a Wild West one. It's got swinging doors on my walk-in bath. A saloon bath. They do. I wouldn't trust a seal on that. I've got a Wild West one. It's got swinging doors on my walk-in bath. A saloon bath. Yeah. You wouldn't trust the seal. No.

No. A door on a bath. I tell you, you don't have to have it with the seal. It's just a ball hanging on his nose. Er, er.

Has any seal ever bounced a ball on its nose ever? Is that a myth? Not in the wild, I don't think. No, we don't know that. I remember an elephant escaped from Dodley Zoo in the West Midlands, and they said in the paper

that it had escaped using circus skills. I thought I'd like a bit more detail on this. Or a tiny bicycle just wearing a little tutu. Yeah, exactly. It flew. Its ears suddenly opened up and it flew. Do they not wear the tutu anymore? Is it not allowed?

You don't see elephants in circuses anymore. No. No. Oh, it's a shame. Well, I think the general feeling is it's a good thing. Oh, is it? I know the general feeling is it's a good thing. Oh, is it? I know. By the way, I heard, can I tell you something?

Can I tell you what I imagined it doing? Walking on a small ball. You know when they used to walk on a ball? But why would that help you escape? They would also pose the elephant on a little, almost a tiny plinth. Yes, that was very small. It was a sort of lady posing for a lad mag in the 90s way. Yes.

The contrapposto pose. With hands and feet very... Hands! Hands! You are. Sorry. I'm harking back to an expression I can't explain from my youth, which was hands and feet in a quart jug.

Ah, yes. But it was like that, all very... The limbs all closed up. Anyway, it was cruel and feet in a quad jug. Ah, yes. But it was like that, all very, the limbs all closed on. Anyway, it was cruel, and it doesn't happen anymore. Let's make that clear. And it's a good thing. We'd all agree. Can I tell you both something? Will you agree?

Okay, agree, agree. We absolutely agree. Okay. Can we discuss the Faye who works with us on the show? Yes, Faye's the assistant producer who we sometimes tease about being a bit posh, I'll be honest with you we have teased her about being a bit posh

and she takes it well with the confidence of the posh one might say She gets her staff to deal with it It's a bit of a Charles dance We get some lovely smithson notepaper saying, re your remarks on the show,

with the address crossed out in the corner. But we'll come to what Faye said this morning in a minute. But if you'd like to slip into a top hat and monocle, or a ball gown during this break, I would do it for preparation. Friendship on Absolute Radio. You left us on something, well, there was a bit of a teaser,

Ree Faye. Yes, well, we love Faye. Don't get me wrong, she's great. And I like posh people. When I lived in Birmingham, I thought posh people were a foreign species. And when you meet, I came to London and met some, then you realise they're just like working class people. There's nice and there's not so nice.

But Faye's one of the nice ones. And she told a story about one of her friends. At first I thought she said he'd disappeared for two years. And I thought, oh, one of her face friends has done a coup in an East African country or something. But it is quite posh person to disappear. A girl, I told you that about that girl at Instar magazine, and she said it was terrible.

My uncle, no-one's seen him. We think he was got by a bear. Right. Got by a bear? Yes, oh dear. Sorry, back over to Frank in the studio. So, well, I think you should tell this story because it was said to you directly, Emily.

Yes, for some reason she thought I'd be a receptive audience. I think she sees you as my interpreter in these matters. I've seen the classes. I straddle the classes. Like when you explained to me that thing about having your address on the top of the postcard.

I was telling Frank about how when posh people cross through, you know on letterhead when you get a card, and they would cross through their name. And I said, oh, it's always... And address. And address, you know, when it's printed at the top of the card. And I said, you know, it's that manners thing, like when, you know, you cross through your name on the card. And Frank said, well, you look bemused.

Yeah, I'm looking bemused. I don't understand. So people, you get like headed notepaper or headed postcard. Correspondence card. Correspondence. And they cross out the name and address. There's one line through it. Why would you do it?

Well, I assumed that they'd moved and they didn't want to waste their headed stationery. In my mind, I'm assuming we just don't want any return mail. Oh, okay. Okay, incorrect. Okay. It's a manners thing. It's a way of saying, so, for example, members of the

aristocracy and the royalty do it. So Diana would famously do it, Princess Diana, that she would cross through Diana and Kensington Palace. It's a way of saying, you're my friend, and let's dispense with these formalities. Oh, wow. How would you know that?

Well, I didn't know it. Secret language of the posh. So I'm going to go to the effort of having these printed off with my name and address on. I'll get someone to do that for you. Get someone to do that. Nice little embossing. And then cross it off and go...

No, no, but if you're writing to someone who you're not signed to say we are friends, then you don't cross it off. That's the idea. It's a bit like a to and voo in French. Very good explanation. Okay, thank you. Anyway,

Faye was saying... Quite a partial analogy. That was very good, Frank. I was very impressed with that. Welcome. Faye was saying this morning, oh, do you know this friend, do you know? She didn't say do you know, but she might as well have. And she took the cigarette holder out of her lips.

Do you know? I think she began, I say. Yeah. I say. Friend of mine. Poor Faye. But there's some sad more traditional. I know, but I feel I can, you know, I can, exactly, it's correct and proper that I tell this story,

I suppose, in some ways. But, yeah, Faye, so this friend of mine, he totally disappeared. We didn't know where he was. For two weeks. For two weeks and we're all thinking,

where is he? Turns out, he won two Commonwealth gold medals in the fencing. And we all, the fact that it was in fencing

made it so perfect. That's lovely. Lovely. It reminded me And we all, the fact that it was in fencing made it so perfect. That's lovely. Lovely. It reminded me. She followed Frank by saying, one individual, one team. Yeah. Well, I was a student and I was still living at home.

This was Birmingham Polytechnic. And I got up one morning and there was a terrible note that just said, John Lennon shot outside his flat in New York. And then underneath, dead, underlined. So I thought, I was really shocked and upset. So I thought, I'm not going to, I'm just going to go and get drunk. So I went to the pub. And this guy came in who was a strange bloke, much older than most of the people that went in the pub, Scottish guy,

and he said, why are you in here on a weekday? And I said, one of my heroes has died today. And he said, and do you know? I said, one of my heroes died. And he said, and do you know he was one of the five best fencers in Europe? I said, was he? No, I didn't know that. And it turned out that he was talking about the famous British fascist Oswald Mosley.

Oh. Who had died. Who he accepted me describing as one of my heroes. My hero. So that was... John Lennon, I did not fence as far as I know. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, you sort of seem to have inspired an impromptu text in.

OK. Corin Foster has kicked it off on the subject of posh friends yes corinne says my son had a schoolmate whose father bought him a herd of cows for his 18th birthday and then she says in parenthesis their farm was near henley of course it was how do you wrap that? What constitutes a herd? Anything more than three, I would say. Okay, fair enough.

I'm just plucking numbers out of the air, though. No, but that was good. That reminds me when a bloke told me, a driver told me he was starting his own firm. Yeah. And he said, I'm getting some cars. And I said, what constitutes a fleet? And he said, five. I mean, just immediately. Like, it was an absolute set in stone.

Definite number. Yeah. Because twos are pair and threes are herd, isn't it? All right, bingo caller. Yeah. All right, Charlie Shee. Oh, hey. Oh, that's a throwback.

I don't know, he's getting on these days, Frank. I don't know, he's keeping a low profile, as Quasimodo used to say. You see some very pretty cows. Can I go back to the cows? Because I'm quite into cows. I'm a little bit scared of cows. I don't know about you.

I don't trust a cow. The tongues trouble me. The tongues are quite a thing, aren't they? I do quite a lot of walking holidays. And cows, I don't mind, but some farmers still in a field with a public footpath will keep bulls. Yes, I've had that.

And that can be genuinely funny. Very anger management. Why don't we just tolerate bulls' anger? I mean, why don't people sort them out and give them some sort of training? Yeah, I think in Spain they're stricter. No, I don't mean in that sense. I mean with love, you know, love and boundaries.

Yeah. Because they can't go around behaving like this. I know. Hooligans. But I went to Austria. Can I just say, I went to Austria a few months ago and it was springtime in Austria. This has the beginning of a song.

I was going to say. And we were up the mountains as you are and they put the cows out to sort of pasture pasture, pasture, eat the grass Can I just say the prettiest cows you'll ever see in the

like they were bizarrely attractive beautiful eyes and bejewelled as well, they've each got their own little bells on. All engraved. I remember standing on a hillside talking to Richard Ayoade and we couldn't hear each other because of the volume of the cow bells from an adjacent herd.

Not something that happens every day. No. Yes, beautiful cows. Beautiful cows. That was Hmm. Yes, beautiful cows. Beautiful cows. That was lovely. Just stunning. Hmm. I wonder where they are now.

Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway. Ultra Magnus is also just, he's one of our regulars. So he's just FYI.

We either walk in baths, or the door opens inwards, so the more water in the bath, the more pressure holding the door closed and making the seal tighter. Finally, a use for my engineering degree. How do you get in, though? How do you get in? You have to open the door, then what? So you have to sit in the...

You have to get in, close the door, like you're in a weird sort of... You're in the bath while you're in it. Well, you're in like a sort of soft-top car in your bathroom. I've always imagined that it operates like a lock on a canal. So half the bath that you're sitting in fills up and then when the door closes, you can let the water go through. That seems a bit complicated.

If I had a walk-in bath, I'd have all that sort of longboat art. Oh, yes. You know, stuff made out of rope. Yeah, some buckets. And that painted, very thick painted flowers and stuff. How would you feel about living on a boat, a houseboat? Well, I knew a guy who lived on a houseboat, and I went to visit him, and everything was damp,

everything you picked up, he was damp, everything you picked off. He was damp, his clothes were damp. Were you on the outside of the boat, Frank? Or was this in the inside? No, no, this was on the inside

but the water had forgotten, the water had discovered osmosis. No boundaries. Recently. And everything, when you, like, if I give you a cup of tea,

the cup was a bit damp on you. Oh, really? Yeah. But there's something. I see the appeal of it, certainly. But I imagine drunken youths at night. Yeah, trying to get on your boat. Throw bits of concrete off bridges and stuff at the boat.

Break some of your... I don't want that. I don't want that. Break some of your enamelled pots. I like foundations. Do you really? Yeah. What's your favourite foundation?

Just something well-bored, you know. I thought it was a charity statement. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I heard from Anna Wright. Who's Anna Wright? Well, Anna Wright is a bookkeeper. Oh.

Right? Not as in librarian, as in ledger. You know, those ledger books you used to have, they always had very big elastic bands sort of on the cover. I don't know quite why. But anyway, she has sent me a gift. She said, I am a bookkeeper and rustle through hundreds of invoices a week.

I'm like, this is very John Dice versus John Dice, the way it's going. And wouldn't be able to do my job without my trusty rubber thimble. Oh, remember them. So I thought I'd send you one. Brand new, of course. It's a game changer when you're rifling through papers

Or even pound notes While cashing up in the office I don't know when this letter was posted Does she do it by candlelight? It's pound notes They are still alive and well And a valuable Now this I like

This is of the rubber thimble And I think the rubber thimble. And I think that the rubber thimble sellers should use this on their posters. I've never seen a poster advertised at rubber thimbles, but maybe. So you get, like, the Coca-Cola advert with Kate Moss. It goes off and then an advert for rubber thimbles with a big thimble on it.

And then it says, quoting Anna, they are still alive and well and a valuable addition to the pencil case. Can I see your thimble there, Frank? That is massive. It's, what? That's bigger than I thought

it was going to be. It's a longer thimble. It's a longer thimble. Again, it's for wading. I'm glad we can't just have one end of this conversation. This is like confessions of a bookkeeper.

Can I see your thimble? It's for counting documents I've found on shipwrecks. It's particularly long. Don't take this the wrong way, but it really suits you. Thank you. You're a good thimble wearer. What if I wear it all the time? You'd probably find it's good to get a bit of purchase on things.

I quite like it on you. It suits you. By the way, Anna goes, on the odd time I've got to work and forgot to put it in my work bag, this is the pencil case. I've had a mini meltdown. Sad but true. We all have our little things.

I know you too favour the pencil case. Well, that is Sad but true. We all have our little things. I know you too favour the pencil case. Well that is most certainly true. It's definitely the first thimble I've ever seen in a forest green colour because they're normally in a it's a sort of blush. I'm thinking it as racing green.

Racing green. Speeding through your accounts with your racing green thimble. Can I just give you the last line of this? And this really, this should be signed Bob Cratchit. Yeah. It says, anyway, best get back to work in case the boss catches me writing to you. Oh, man. Scratching away in pencil under the desk.

Anna, I love the... The racing green thimble. Can I just, I don't mean, you don't the... The racing green thimble. Can I just... I don't mean... You don't seem to be feeling the thimble. It just seems a bit soggy at the end.

Again, Zoe, just be careful about how it sounds. Look, I'm a Catholic. I have to work out how to... Oh, for heaven's sake. Anyway,

maybe on the little finger. Yeah, that looks better. That fits better. I can't imagine me counting invoices with my little finger. I can't imagine me counting invoices with my little finger. Can't imagine you counting invoices with your PA who does that. Exactly.

So this pound note, though, she refers to it very confidently. I mean, I don't know what that's about. As if it's legal tender. I appreciate, I know, I've said it without a Scottish accent. That's normally the only time you ever hear that phrase being used. But it is, that's interesting. These wrong paws. Am I remembering this right?

Did you used to get a little sponge that you wet your finger in? Yes. So that you could rifle through? Yes. In a bank. Yeah, a little finger bath. I'll tell you something else as well. A finger bath.

It always made me want to work in a bank because I'd see them with the thimble and I think, imagine that was your domain. Licking. You had the domain of the sponge cake in the corner. Licking was a lot more popular then because stamps now come on a thing where they're already glued. You used to have to lick your stamps. But I tell you what, you used to see tradesmen like the butcher. If the butcher was totting up your total of meat that you'd bought used to get the

pencil from behind the ear and lick the pencil before writing oh what was that to make the little more give it a more defining line yeah yeah but just just darken up the line and also an eyeliner people reading a book licking a finger before turning a page what happened to licking but I wonder if you did have one of those little finger baths whether you shared it

or whether you had your own finger bath I don't know I mean I used to freak out with the Veruca pool at the school at the pool

so the finger bath well as I've got older I've got a walk in finger bath I had to walk you know when you know you do your two fingers

walking like a pair of legs, I have to do that. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Zoe Lyons. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk.

Yes. So, have we heard from the outside world? We have. We've heard 937 says, Hi, Frank and girls. Oh, I like that. Frank and girls. Frank and girls.

Yeah, some monster that's got some female bits and some male bits. Wow. Did you see the idea that Dr Frankenstein stuck exclusively to males for his parts? I don't know. I don't know about his business. I've read it. It's never established that. I think they find that our body... I think the body's male, but I think read it. It's never established that. I think they find our body.

I think the body's male, but I think there's a bit of patchy not done. Well, less worrying about that. Okay. More finding your monsters some shirt. Well, now, that's it. No shirt was found. I mean, do you know Frank has pointed...

No shirt was found. No. Frank has pointed out... I think you were in a hotel room. That was one of the... you were in a hotel once I arrived at a hotel after a gig and it was late it was about one o'clock

and reception was all locked I hadn't checked in because I'd just gone into town and done the gig, reception was locked up with the shutters down and I thought, oh really this sounds like a classy establishment already if the shutters are down and I thought oh really this sounds like a classy establishment already the shutters are down and i thought i don't want it this was in the day in the days when i couldn't really stay in nice

hotels so i thought where am i going to sleep if there's no so i there was a bell for service so i rang that and i heard movement behind the shutters and then the door went up and it was a bloke who was in a suit but with no shirt or anything under the jacket like the Frankenstein monster from films

what a weird look oh that's freaky I think maybe Boris Karloff had some sort of a singlet. I can't remember. It became adopted by the PR in the 90s where they'd wear just a small singlet underneath the suit jacket. The PR? Yes, people working in the male PR.

Oh, OK. OK, but I just find... I think it was very cruel to Frankenstein because if either... You know, pick a lane. Is he a suit wearer or is he in leisure wear? Yes, exactly. And, of course, he's barefoot.

I would imagine he'd go for a tracky bum but with a more formal jacket. Well, I think he's barefoot in the book and then from somewhere he's got these sort of deep sea diving boots. Yeah. This is a creature

relearning walking. Maybe don't make it as difficult. You know, boxers used to train in really heavy boots so they felt light on their feet after. I'd have gone for a flip-flop. Not if you're a... Because you don't want to show your stitches.

No. But you know, that's the thing is that he hasn't got the time to put a shirt on but he's got the time to do the black nail polish. Yeah.

Get your priorities right, Frankenstein monster. What about when I got that woman from the makeup department of a show I was with? I was going to a Halloween party. I was doing Frankenstein.

She made me some bolts and gave me some green paint. I said, do you think I need one of those false heads? She said, no. One look at my head. She should have said yes. No, she just went, no. I mean, why? You've already got it, mate.

Anyway, how did we get to that? We got there from girls. Oh, yes. Oh, Emily's going to sneeze. She didn't sneeze. Oh, that was the most gentle sneeze in the whole world, Emily. That was so professional. That was almost internal.

You sort of sucked that in. Wow. That was so... Well done. That was a pro. What's great is when it happened, the headphones slightly moved away from the head. There was two jets of air.

Yes. Ideally, I like my sneezes. I like to handle my sneezes like a sort of Victorian heroine called Ernestina. Okay. That's what I'm aiming for. That worked very well. Well, you've nailed it. You've nailed it.

That was the most elegant, quiet, gentle sneeze. It makes me wonder why we sneeze at all, if it can be handled like that. I like to proper man-sleeze sneeze. I do a proper... If I feel like I'll go with it... I'm worried about... Freud, what would you have meant of,

I like man-sleeze? Slee... I didn't say sleaze, did I? Slip with a chong. Yeah, no, I'll do a proper... Yeah, Joe! Yeah, my dad used to do that with hands behind the back, my dad. Oh, wow. Yeah, you could surf.

To make it more aerodynamic. Yeah, it was. Wow. I used to do my first routine I ever did on telly was about sneezing. Was it? Yeah. I mean, I'm really grateful, but I don't know, it does come to something when the nicest compliment you've received all year

is your lovely, delicate sneeze. Elegant. I like the way you sneeze. It was elegant. There's no other word for it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, we were talking. We never got to the end of that text, did we?

What, 937? Yeah. Hi, Frank and girls. When working in a bank in the 80s, there was a horrible lady called Cecilia who wore three, that's in caps, that three, rubber thimbles. She had a pink rinse. That's Paul from Peckham.

Three rubber thimbles. She'd be like the Edward Scissorhands of the banking, yeah. Do you think she was shaking his confidence daily? Absolutely. Yeah, don't call me daily. Oh, I don't hear that joke very often these days. Well done, bringing that one.

Knocking the dust off that one. Your airplane archives. Is there more outside world? There is. I've got some. I've got something I've noticed this last few weeks is I live in London,

a large conurbation in the south-east of England, and occasionally, I don't know why it happens, but we get seagulls locally, even though the sea is, what, 50 miles more? Yeah. 50 miles away. 60. even though the sea is what 50 miles more yeah 50 miles away 60 so of late we've had a sort of flying ant day equivalent with seagulls and loads lots now i

thought this is boom time for seagulls at the seaside because it's hot people go and um they do that best thing ever of throwing a chip into the air and a seagull takes it out just out of the sky fantastic um i could do that for i would say between eight and ten hours just lobbing chips at sea just generallys? Just generally, animals catching things. Oh, I love it. It's the best thing ever. I mean, obviously dog frisbee. But my dog will not catch a tennis ball if you throw it,

but if you throw it and it bounces, he'll just pluck it out of the air on the first bounce. He's got a tennis approach to it. Yeah, nice. Animals, any good examples you've seen of animals catching 8 12 15 it makes me happy but anyway the local ducks they run a bit of a closed shop at the pond and how old are they yeah and i think they're quite resentful now if you if anyone comes and gives bread which i know you're not supposed to do. Seagulls are in.

And I just wondered, as we've got someone here from the seaside. From the seaside. You make it sound like I've turned up dressed like a sailor. Which I have. Which I have. You know my way. Well, you should have a kiss me quick, huh? Yeah, I should. Arrive on a donkey.

Yeah. Nice pair of flares. Yeah. Why? Why? If anyone, by the way, is listening to this who knows about birds and bird behaviour, why do they come in if they're seagulls? It's a weekend break.

Can you not give a call to arms and say, anyone who knows about birds, text in. Yeah. No, I don't want to do that. You're undesirable. I don't want to get a text in from the likely lads. James Bolham and Rodney Bewes. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were discussing, I think,

the fact that seagulls have come into London. Since the big. Yeah, they're absolutely made for the seaside, hence their name. Disgusting, I think, the fact that seagulls have come into London. Scissor break. Yeah, they're absolutely made for the seaside, hence their name. And then they come scratching around our patch. I think it's because there's a lot of competition by the sea with seagulls. There's a lot of them. I'm reporting back from the coast. But we don't get any donkey rides

no you don't get the good bits you just get the seagulls it's a big problem what's happened right I'm not sure about the sort of

growth spurt of a seagull but we seem to be in the teenage years of seagulls at the minute so we've got the fledgling seagulls

in Brighton and they're a bit of an issue because they can't walk properly or fly, and they're a bit of an issue. OK. Because they can't walk properly or fly properly, so they're just like little winged drunk gentlemen walking all around Brighton seafront. We had one in our back garden the other day.

How dare they? I know. I looked through the window and I was like, oh, no, it's a seagull. One that couldn't fly. I don't know how it got in there. In Brighton, I would have thought that was something that was not a shocker. No, it's always a bit of an issue because they can't really fly.

Okay. And I couldn't get it out the garden. Right. But I've got a gate, handily, that leads to next door's garden. Oh, I see. So a little bit like throwing a ball back over a wall I gifted them a seagull and did you shout as you did it as they used to shout at us when I was a kid and if it comes over here again I'll put a knife through it well we gifted them a seagull because I couldn't look

at it because it had a really weird face and, like, properly tufty hair on top and it was just freaking me out and it started to tap on my study window and I was like, I can't look at this. Did he tap me? It was tapping and looking at me and it felt very Hitchcock. So I was like, well, that's going to have to go. So I didn't touch it because you're not supposed to touch them. Didn't touch it, but I just simply opened it.

You're not supposed to touch them. Don't touch them. No, no, no. I think they're... I think they're possibly because they... They're not the cleanest. They're not the cleanest. We're not...

And then the mothers won't come back to them if you've touched them. It's awful. I googled. I did a lot of googling. I've heard women have told me that before. Yeah. It's not taken back yeah so we gifted the neighbors a seagull okay and then an hour later they gifted they re-gifted did that yeah oh it's gone it's like living in a walking bath for the seagull yeah they re-gifted it where is it now well um okay so i wouldn't admit it on air.

No. If you put a spade through it. No, no, we didn't do that. OK. No, no, we just suggested to it that it moved out the front area of the property by sort of corralling it, and now it's gone. Oh, my God.

I feel we've only got a section of that story. You corralled a seagull. That's fantastic. But this links in beautifully to a story in the news recently about a seagull in Devon that has been shoplifting, which is just lovely. Oh, yes, the shoplifting seagull. Oh, the criminal mastermind.

Yeah, yeah. It's been going into a local Tesco store and it's been caught on camera stealing mini cheddars. Well, they gave him a name, of course they did. Yeah, yeah. Stephen Seagull. I wish they hadn't done that. Well, I do as well because it's not quite appropriate

because I felt he was more the planner. You know, there was something very... I was impressed by him. He wasn't a sort of brawling ruffian. No, but Stephen... I mean, that makes me think that they didn't really want to be at the meeting about the name for him. Yes, exactly.

They were all in a rush. And someone said Stephen Seeger, and I said, yeah, that'll do. And that's... I'm not happy with that. But we'll come up with other suggestions maybe later yeah Frank Skinner Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio Dilingual has got in touch with us Dilingual, yeah you're liking the sound already nice friend for you Frank hashtag seagulls don't know their name, so they aren't bothered if they're by the sea.

Like, which is a good point, Dilingle, like crows, they are very good generalists. No special skills, but very versatile, so can play anywhere, including ponds. The hashtag Phil Neville of

ornithology, if you like. Okay. Well, I mean, Zoe's just given us some seagull info, which I know I'll avoid the most horrible story, but a seagull taking from your barbecue. Yeah, lit barbecue. Was it a lamb chop? A lamb chop.

I mean, that shows genuine endeavour. It landed, lit barbecue. Was it a lamb chop? A lamb chop. I mean, that shows genuine endeavour. It landed, it landed. It must have been going like... It was going... Yeah, exactly. Because it was a lit barbecue, so it was like... But still managed to land there long enough to sort of peruse what was available on the grill.

They thought it was like a holistic retreat on the hot coals. Yes. They thought they'd come out a cleansed new individual. It's a bit like Colonel Tom Parker's Dancing Chickens. You know Elvis' manager. Is it? Elvis' manager when he was a carny used to have a

hot plate which he covered with a thin layer of sawdust. He'd play music and then he would put chickens on it and because the audience couldn't see the hot plate he sold them as he's Colonel Tom Parker's dancing chickens because their feet were getting hot

wow clever we've got another I know we're talking about cruel I forgot that sorry I forgot the other adjective yeah

very cruel let me change the order of those cruel clever ok The other adjective. Yeah, yeah. Very cruel. Let me change the order of those. Cruel. Clever. Okay. I know we're talking about seagulls, but just briefly, I'd like to share this because we were talking generally about, I think you were talking about how the seagulls,

there seems some sort of almost intent, as if they kind of know what they're doing, and taking pleasure in stealing and the food theft. And La Chica Erlandesca has got in touch with us, one of our regulars, actually. Okay. I was at Cape Point in South Africa, and after we'd had a walk around,

we bought an ice cream from an ice cream van in the car park. As we walked to the car, a baboon ran up behind my friend, pushed her on the bottom so she fell on a car bonnet. And as she was falling, she screamed and threw her ice cream in the air. The baboon caught it with ease and then sat cross-legged. It's the cross-legged ritual. In the car park, holding the cone like a human and licking the ice cream happily with its horrible little tongue, showing no remorse whatsoever. But this is where you have to admire these creatures.

The push and catch. Push and catch, cross-legged, yogic move. Yeah, and that's for the horrible little tongue. These things are all subjective, of course. And we've got a name suggestion to improve. I love our readers. Suddenly, I just got filled with a sense of love for our readers. I tell you what, if there was a pub

where people like our readers just drank every night, I might start drinking again. It's just bright, clever. I might start drinking again. I just love the people who listen to our show. It's just bright, clever, inventive, interesting people. They just, you know, they think out the box. And a banana. Again, a lovely regular. Name suggestion for the seagull.

We didn't even ask for this. You know, if you just come up with this. Rude gullet. Oh, it's a great start. Very good. I intentionally mispronounced it. I hope you understand. No, I know. But I know it's good. See, I in the 80s,

if this had been a story, I think it would have been called Jonathan Livingston Siegel. Oh, come on. Jonathan Livingston was so massive. Yeah, it was. Such a massive... In fact, there's a thing about Jonathan. I'll do it after this,

but something that sticks in my memory about the album. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. So, yes, in the 80s, the Jonathan Livingston-gal movie originally, it was one of these, it was spiritual. You know, and spiritual is people have religious feelings, but don't want to get up on a Sunday morning.

Yes. And they like a Buddha head in the garden. And that'll do it. So it was a bit like that. And it was Neil diamond who did the album jonathan livingston seagull obviously i've got a bit of beef with neil diamond have you he's another one of my secret crushes oh oh it's yeah it's a bit old it's a rival football it's a right okay i think sweet caroline see. Oh, of course. I'm so sorry, I absolutely

walked into that one. I'm so, I apologise. It's more of a cuckoo than a seagull in that he's got into the football song Nest,

built by others. Yes, apologies. And he's after our eggs. Yeah, yeah. But on the cover, a mate of mine

was obsessed with, he had the book and all that stuff and he had the album and on the cover, it's Neil Diamond had the book and all that stuff and he had the album and on the cover it's neil diamond on the beach and he does that thing that men do when they're trying to say i'm a bit spiritual oh yeah following it in their suit linen suit it's a bit it's it's just the other side of frankenstein monster linen Linen suit, but bare feet.

Yeah. Bare feet. And it's either I'm spiritual or I'm the older guy who knows a lot about life in the Emmanuel films. Oh, yeah. And he sits there. It's one of those albums where even he, even Xander Armstrong wouldn't have used it for an album cover.

I go there. Even he would have said, steady off. Are you going on to Scarborough? I love that. One foot up on the log and in a wax jacket. Oh. Exactly. He's another one of my weird crushes.

Who? Xander. I? Xander. I love Xander, but the album. Come on. The album. Golden brown, texture like wine.

And as he said on the interview, Strangler's light, it ain't. Oh, bless him. So yeah, it's very, it's very that.

So if this had happened in the 80s... The producer is absent. Faye! You know what I like? Faye, posh Faye, really enjoyed that bit of material. Oh, OK, nice. We haven't really gone into details about this, have we? A man owns a shop in, where was it again?

It's in Devon. Devon. It's a small Tesco. Again, not a seagull area, but as has been pointed out. Devon? Yeah. Devon, surely. Devon.

It's by the sea, I think you'll find. I know, but it's a different kind of sea. What? Look, I see them as more sort of, they like the more heavily branded. They're quite obvious. Urban, urban, seaside but urban. They like a more heavily branded seaside town. You know, they go for your peers.

They're not going to go... Lime Ragers. No, I think there's a more, like on the south coast, there's a more artistic seagull community at some time. Yeah, they're hand crafting. Exactly. You can get cardigans knitted by local seagull community at St Ives. Yeah, they're hand-crafting. Exactly. You can get cardigans knitted by local seagulls who've donated.

And they're very bohemian. There's a lot of dodgy stuff going on between the seagulls. Yeah. Whereas where I live in Brighton, I've actually seen a seagull pull his head out of a bin with a tin of beans on it, but the lid's still been attached, so it looks like a baseball cap. That's the sort of seagull pull his head out of a bin with a tin of beans on it, but the lid's still been attached so it looks like a baseball cap.

That's the sort of seagull... That's great. You've got the best seagull anecdotes. But also, Zoe, that's why your dog can handle himself. As you've pointed out to me before, he can take care of himself. He knows how to handle himself. He was once pooped on

by a seagull. I bet they't do what take well to that really took him by surprise i was honest i was with a friend that um i think it might have been western super mayor and he took we had fish and chips and he was saying oh i'm desperate for this and he got the and it was a lovely seaside fish and chip and a massive what looked like a mayonnaise topping suddenly appeared on it and it was the seagull. He did the brilliant thing of removing the bits he could see it on and eating the rest.

There were poor times. We were talking about the criminal mastermind. Yes. Jonathan Livingstone Seagull. Yeah. We were christening him.

This seagull who became something of a notorious figure in a Devon... Tesco. We're allowed to say Tesco, aren't we? I think so. OK, good. The producer's nodding. Always a good sign. Doesn't happen that often.

I think so. OK, good. The producer's nodding, always a good sign. Doesn't happen that often. And what I liked about the seagull is what he chose to steal. I'm saying he. Could have been Lady Seagull. Could have been Lady. It was quite...

What I'm going to say is it was quite a 70s seagull. Right. Because he went for a 70s seagull. Right. Because he went for a lot of cheesy crisps. He was very specific in his choice. His diet was quite 70s. It was crisps he went for, I believe. It was largely a crisps

drink. Yeah, it was certainly snack. No, he stole Monster Munch and Tangy Cheese Doritos. Yeah, and Mini Cheddars. Mini Cheddars. Mini Cheddars! It doesn't get more. What else did he still tear? He's all gone. It's a bit of a slump, isn't it?

No vegetables taken at all. No, straight for the crisps. I bet he likes a Watsit as well. Watsit will probably be in his dietary favourites as well. He's essentially a 1970s footballer. Yeah, I think it might be. You know when they have those... I remember in Brighton once they had a film screen on the beach.

Yeah, yeah. Maybe it's that kind of thing and he's just getting his snacks. He's just getting the order. I'm going down Tesco and if you want anything... Trev, what do you want? Doritos? All right, you love them. But they've got a lot of CCTV of this creature.

He keeps being caught on CCTV. But again, I sort of warmed to the seagull community after this. I wasn't previously a fan. He was quite decisive and sort of... There was an elegance about him. It looks like he decided what he was going to steal, didn't it, for you, wasn't he? Yeah. I don't think he had any previous.

He wasn't tagged like some any-while bird. I don't think he had any previous. I think he might have just been in reduced circumstances and be forced into this. I think if he'd been better equipped as well, he might have paid, you know, because he's clearly a regular, but he doesn't have pockets, so, you know, it's hard.

Or maybe he's on the run. They might have sprung him from the scrubs or something. Oh. Anyway, it's a beautiful story in many ways. Normally shoplifting, you know, you'd think, oh, really? We have so many beautiful seagull stories. For example, Bulletproof, 1979. Again, one of our regulars.

On holiday in Marseille, we were greeted by the sight of what seemed to be local striding down the street with a seagull in what can only be described as a headlock. He was being chased by an American tourist in a safari suit. Oh, I love that. Everything about that sentence I love. Who was screaming, gendarme, gendarmerie. OK. Bulletproof continues. To little response other than bemusement from the crowd.

They disappear into the distance. An hour or two later, we saw the seagull guy, I presume this is the headlock guy, coming out of a cafe and dusting off feathers from his clothes. Oh dear. No sign of the American, no satisfactory explanation has ever been arrived at. So you think the seagull belonged to the American? I don't. I mean, it was a bit strange. She was screaming, Gendarmerie. Gendarmerie.

I like it. That's someone who doesn't have much French. Yes. I only know police. Facing it on having watched Beau Jets. Yeah, it's a crime, you know.

So I'll just shout the name of the police. I'm not quite sure the difference between Gendarme and Gendarmerie, but I'll go for both. That was like once I was on holiday with my sister in Mexico

and it was very sweet. There was a lady on a... We were going on a tour, you know, to see some ruins. They've got some lovely ruins in Mexico. And the lady was trying to describe in the nicest possible way it was very sweet to the tour guide that her her husband was a larger gentleman and she was trying to convey this

and she sort of did it in what i thought was a rather brilliant way she said excuse me we have an hombre grande with us. Hombre grande. That's fab. Very dignified. I like it. That could be the new word that's okay to say. Hombre grande.

Yeah, because I like that. Some of these goals, honestly, what our readers have been saying about these goals. Let's hear it. Well... Goals, goals, goals.

Goals, goals, goals. A little bit of music. All right. You're going to sing it like that on the night? You know, when you said that, you sounded like Agent X20 from Stingray, one of his henchmen. No, it's one of Titan's henchmen.

I can't believe that you know. Last week I explained to Emily, I don't know if you remember, Sally, who X20 is, Titan's sort of secret agent. And then you filled me in with some imagery afterwards. Yes, so Emily's been sending me pictures, got into X20. So this was in the Gerry Anderson, Gerry and Sylvia Anderson series, Stingray. Yep, yep. And Titan was the bad guy, the sort of sea lord.

Lord! And one of his... I am the lord of the sea. One of his surface agents was X20, a green man with the voice of Peter Lorre, the old Hollywood actor. Yes, familiar. And do you know, I've got rather obsessed.

What is it about it that you pull up a chair, gather up the fireside? It's absolutely brilliant, Frank. I think I might have found my very own Doctor Who. I started watching these videos, I couldn't get out. I went down a stingray hole. I mean, X20,

the thing is about him... Zero. Oh, X20, I don't apologise. I felt like he was going to... Don't people get angry when you mispronounce your surname? Yeah. You were angry when you mispronounced your surname. Yeah.

Well, I know just a few things about it. I'll try and keep it brief for people who aren't fans of X20. I mean, what are you doing listening to this? He, to be fair to him, I feel he gets a rather bad press. I think he's, I felt he was quite a sympathetic character. Quite sensitive. He plays classical music. He's stuck on his own in this lair.

And Titan is the real villain. He's the tyrant. Oh, I'm going to have to watch this now, aren't I? This is what's happening here. This is a bit just following orders. The fact is, he's a thorn in the side of the World Aquanaut Security Patrol. Right, okay. Constantly. Working with the aquafibians,

it would be hard for them to pretend to be human beings on Earth because they really do look like... A bit fishy. Yeah. And they talk like this. Well, you know, sometimes you're on the phone and it goes like that. And I'll say to people, you sound like an aquafibian, they have no idea what I'm talking about.

Okay. But he reduces himself constantly and it really upsets me because when he addresses Titan, there's this strange sort of screen which goes up and Titan's from the sea. And I really feel for him because he says things like, Masterful scheme, your excellency. Yeah. And Titan will say, don't ask me questions, you fool.

There's obviously some Brian, blessed friend of my parents, actor playing Titan, saying, do you know I could have played Hamlet? But I found his character rather sympathetic. And I must say, you know, those characters do how they speak again. The aquaphobians. could have played Hamlet. But I found his character rather sympathetic. And I must say, you know those characters do how they speak again. The aquaphibians. Yeah.

What's odd is that Titan is underwater and yet he's got very ornate robes. He's very well clothed for an underwater king. These guys, naked.

Okay. I mean, is that their does that denote their lower status they can't wear pants they can't wear pants it's a slight exaggeration of the class divide it's the difference between

satin and nothing which could be a description of you know wearing satin and satin nothing and nothing. Yeah. Which could be a description of, you know, how class works. Wearing satin and satin nothing. Yeah, exactly. I want you to watch this. I'm going to warn you.

Now I'm going to have to. I've listened to this. And all other ladies out there, I wouldn't, Frank, you, you know, I see you as very much on our side. I wouldn't describe it as a feminist piece of work. There is one point, there are two women in it. One is unable to speak.

The other, I think she had one line in the whole episode I saw. Oh, Atlanta Shaw. Well, she was addressed directly only once by one of the men and that was to say, honey, can you get me a coffee?

She's the daughter of Commander Shaw, who's the boss of the whole thing. I fear if I don't watch this, I'll never understand anything either of you two. She's in love. She's in love with the main character, who's in love with Marina, the mute seagull. Are you referring to Troy Tempest?

Pardon? Are you referring to Troy Tempest? Yes. Troy Tempest, who I remember, an interview in TV21 comic, Sylvia Anderson said she'd based him on James Garner, who she was a big fan of. And you can absolutely see it.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, Zoe Lyons is on the show today. I love Zoe Lyons, but she did say something today. For the first time, I thought, I don't like her as much as I thought I did. And what she said was, I'm a really good parker, talking about cars. Oh, yes.

And, you know, parking has been a skill I've never really acquired. She casually said it with a devil may care. Do you know, I've parked in, I've broken physics with my parking. I've managed to get my car into a space that's smaller than the car. I'm liking you less and less. And I've been so proud of my achievement.

I've gone into my flat and woken my wife up at like 1 30 in the morning just to go darling i just need you to know i've just done the most incredible bit of parking yes well i haven't done that i'm so proud of it i'm so good at it all right yeah and what happens i when i walk past somebody who can't park i have have to, I really, really have to fight the urge, and it's properly like, for me to go, do you want me to do that for you? Because I can't watch this anymore, life's too short. Oh, well that is me, I was that soldier. Can't you parallel park?

I can't, no. Why not? I don't know why, I just can't. I'm glad you're challenging him on this. I've got a video screen on my new car that has a picture of what's behind me with two, like, a red box and a square box crossing over. And apparently, if you know what that's telling you,

you really can park well. Sarah told me a horror story, Sarah the producer, that she's now got a car with no beeps. But then that's... I would have to just leave that in the middle of the road. Well, that's what bumpers are for. I think you can gentle nudge. You can gentle nudge when you're parking.

No! That's fine. Zoe, can I just say tremendous respect for Sarah, though? I mean, tremendous respect anyway, but this, this is quality. She said, oh, I looked into... She didn't say, oh. She said, I looked into getting a beeper fitted in the car. How mean.

And then what did you discover, Sarah? Costs? Too expensive. Too expensive. 200 quid, I think. What did you say? No, several thousand. Was it two grand?

You'd almost be cheaper just to drive around with somebody in the back seat. Hire someone. Go on, go on. A few minutes more. You've got it. Stop there. That's it.

That's it. Beep, beep, beep. I mean, people marry for less. Yeah. What I need is some sort of cat's whiskers on both sides of the car. You know they say

they judge distance when they go through her. I have a theory. Can I just say this? About the beeping, though, this is what annoys me. Yeah. Is if you have a car that doesn't beep and you park correctly without the beeps,

no one knows. You don't get any applause from passers-by because they assume you've got the beeps like everyone else. I'll make something of it. Don't you have with sensors? I'll walk around the car. Don't you find those at home? I will. Oh, well, just park just part that I know look at it take

it in drink it in your eyes I find with the sensors they're so neurotic my senses you know and if I approach any sort of bollard if there are pedestrians cross... This is the problem. I've learned to override my senses. My front beepers are just, like you say, a bit over-anxious. I've noticed that. I thought it was the cold. Please. For pity's sake, Matt. I'm terribly sorry, but I mean... I'm terribly childish, I love it.

Don't lead me in. No, but my front bump papers are oversensitive and I've learned to override them. Okay. I know best. I know exactly how much room I've got. Yeah. Well, that's because you are a really good parker, apparently.

Zoe Lyons. Yeah, I find it a mysterious mysterious thing I almost wish it was an Olympic sport yeah I can sort of see that I find it more entertaining than some of these things like you have an extreme version

where you handbrake into a space I'd love to be able to do that I watched a guy I was at a sort of a tourist spot, you know you've got a tourist spot, car park. There was a very horrible man in a car who said, oh, look at that. And someone had parked slightly across the line of a thing.

And he said, oh. And he got in the, and he started doing that thing when you put your right hand on the steering wheel and your left hand's old in the chair because you're looking beyond and the right hand goes round frantically and he just went into this space really fast. I mean, I was in awe.

I thought, OK, you're a very stupid man but you have a skill that I will never, ever even approach. So we've all got something in our quivers. Well, we've had a number of our wonderful readers getting in touch about all sorts of things, but there's a lot of seagull activity. We've had a message in from Shell, as in me, Shell, my bell.

OK. It's not a seagull, but a pelican. What? I'm going to take pelicans. Can I put this to the group? OK. Yeah, OK. Whilst visiting my husband's family in Adelaide,

in brackets, Australia... LAUGHTER Thanks? Yeah. Shell, in brackets Australia. Thanks? Cheryl, you underestimate us. Maybe there's another Adelaide somewhere. I've never heard of one, but it's possible. There might well be. A pelican ran me, as I was, I like the expression ran me,

as I was feeding the ducks cake. I threw the bag of cake at the pelican, shouting, have it. Whilst my husband almost went to the bathroom laughing. I love the idea of have it if you're watching. I like he almost went to the bathroom laughing. Beautiful. I have actually added that.

Oh, you've, oh, sorry. If you know what I mean. It was a bit rude. I did a bit of work. Of. I have actually added that. Oh, you've... Oh, sorry. If you know what I mean. It was a bit rude. I did a bit of work. Of course, it was so you. But I love the idea of the pelican having that shouted out.

It's almost like the beginnings of a messy divorce. Yeah. Go on, have it then. Take it. Take everything you want. That made you feel happy. We've had a lot of readers writing in to tell us that they're not seagulls.

They're not? No, they're just gulls. Oh, this is true. And that's where the confusion is lying. So you're asking why there are seagulls in London, and the reason is because they're not seagulls. They're just gulls. So there is no bird called a seagull no

wow honestly the one of the few facts you think you have that's solid you could hold on to yeah wow listen to this listen to this from paul burke hold on a minute just give me a moment just give me a little bit you're just gonna have to, Frank. I'm going to put my thimble on. You're just going to put your thimble on. Not there. I don't know where you are. Oh, Zoe. You two.

You two are just as bad as each other. I feel like I'm on, honestly. I'm going to get you a couple for your front bumpers. That's it. Or your front beepers, wasn't it? That's all we've got time for tonight. New faces 1978. Thank you for joining us

Zoe Lyons and Frank Skinner. Two talented young performers who I'm sure you can agree will be seeing a great deal of on our screens. Paul Burke. Oh yeah. My mate left his wallet on one of the tables outside a pub. Later that evening we were

walking along the beach. My friend was depressed, thinking his wallet was long gone. A seagull, a gull, I apologise, then dropped the wallet down from above and it landed right in front of us with all the contents inside. What I like about this is surprise at all the contents. If it would have gone on some sort of crimes rifle card.

It saw on its card that it had spent 800 quid in Tesco's on snacks. Sports Direct. I've had a starfish drop on my head before, dropped by a seagull. Wow. Yeah? Wow, really?

You just casually dropped that in, is it? Yeah, I did. It sounds like a Michael Gorbachev anecdote. Because they pick him off the beach. Pick him off the beach. I've had a muscle shell drop on my head. Have you? What else have you?

Who was it? Who was the Greek playwright who died because an eagle dropped a turtle on his head. I don't know, is this a recent? Have I missed this in the news? No, this is ancient Greek news.

Dropped a turtle? Sorry, Frank's a bit slow to the part of his 3am hot news. An eagle dropped a turtle on his head. Apparently, eagles... Now, I don't know if it still happens, but in ancient Greece, they would drop turtles on eggs

to break them so they could... So they would pick a turtle up, drop it on the egg, eat the eggs. And he was bald, and so they thought he was a big egg. A massive egg. That's the theory. That's why I keep my hat on.

Well, also a nosedirt. I don't know where they've got the eagle's motivation from in this story. You won't really get Zoe's joke unless you know Zoe quite well. We've got some further seagull correspondence. Gull. Oh, gulls, it means. If you don't mind, I'm now going to get quite pernickety about this. No, I think that's fair enough.

Now that I know, it's gull. Thank you, Emily. Imagine if I was the kind of person, well, I've been told. Turns out I am. At Another Brick has got in touch with us. I once watched as seagulls chased after a girl with an ice cream. She ran, laughed, screamed until they finally brought her down. Wow.

Took the ice cream. The family were hysterical. If they chase you, just give it up. No one should have to live through that shame. In other words, the approach that they're suggesting is avid. Avid. How do you... How does a seagull bring you down?

What I like as well is that Shell... There must have been more than one. Shell who sent in the avid. Yeah. I can imagine Shell. And we call her Shell, remember, not seashell. Yeah, she's not a seashell. Avid regards Shell.

Yeah. Fair enough, Shell. I love Shell. Tony Davidson has also been in touch. Someone I used to work with had a chicken carcass dropped on him by a seagull. Yeah. So Henry VIII type seagull. While he was

ironically eating chicken, curry and chips after a rugby match and it knocked him out. Whoa! As Tony points out, revenge possibly. I'm going to butt in there and say somebody didn't butcher that carcass well enough. There shouldn't have been enough meat on that

to knock a grown man out. Maybe that the... I'm thinking stock. I'm thinking sandwiches for later. I'm thinking, no, that's... Somebody's done a poor job in the kitchen right there. The goal might have taken it from a barbecue. This is true.

And added fill and then just dropped it like I mean that one with the wallet when it said they dropped the wallet drop right in front of them I was really hoping that would end was dropped straight into his inside pocket that would have been the the anecdotes of all time I've got a lovely one here from six seven1. Yeah. Dear Frankie and the gang. I don't know how you feel about that, Frank. I'm all right with that. Okay. I used to go on stage to Frankie.

Did you? Yeah. Do you remember me? To which you would say? No. No. How was it? Bolton.

Oh, no. Dear Frankie and the gang. We were playing Clacton-on on the Sea Golf Club on Monday and Toenails, one of my group, don't ask, chipped into the 17th as Seagull speedwalked across the green and picked the ball up with its beak. I had no idea of a seagull speedwalk. I didn't fly.

No, speedwalked. As it took off, I shouted some of my favourite combination of insults, waving my hands, which caused it to swallow the ball mid-flight. The ball seemed to get lodged in its throat. It fell to the ground. The ball popped out. This can't be. This is going in the hole.

The goal flew off. And our playing partner said, as quick as a flash, two-shot penalty that, mate. I thought it was going to be a birdie. Oh, come on. I like that response. It's like I just produced a rabbit out of a hat. Well, I'm really warming to the goals because they're clever.

Are you? Why? Because you know why? They're determined, adventurous, inventive. Sporty, quite clearly. Bit of a git. Yeah, got a bit of a git. And I quite like the bit of a gittishness about them. No, I...

They've won me over this morning. Really? The goal community. They're clever. Yeah. I think, do you know what, Frank? I'm slowly warming to them. I mean, I still do worry about,

I don't think they're going to be happy bedfellows with my boy Ray. No. Because he's too furry and he looks too irresistible to them. Well, birds will take a small dog. I know, I know. Yeah, that's one of the problems. I met a woman in Alaska once who lost a chihuahua to an eagle. Really?

Yeah. You've got all the best stories. I know. You say best. I mean, frankly, I find that rather harrowing and I doubt I'll sleep tonight. No, it's... When my dog was a puppy,

we went on holiday and were warned by locals. Is this a horrible thing? No, it never happened, but we just warned that that dog's just... just under the weight where they will take it. Oh, my God. So if you're not careful. Amazing.

That's why I put my Jack Russell in a weighted vest. Yeah. It's a good idea. We also had, I'm frantically trying to find it, but if I can't, I just want to say, attention must be paid. We had, when we asked people for their seagull stories, their favourite gull stories, one of our brilliant readers, and this again sums up why I love our readers,

texted in with the Rime of the ancient mariner. Thank you. Yeah, it's an albatross, but never mind. I know, but you know, it's a bird-related story. Yeah, it is. It's a good story. It's okay. Thank you. Zoe, it's always great to have you here

because you're fabulous. A good parker. A good parker. That I don't want to dwell on. And thank you all for listening this morning and for many fabulous contributions from our readers. You know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.