The Frank Skinner Show - Sans Poultry

Episode Date: April 30, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has tried Bubble Tea and been to the circus. The team also discuss near misses, King Noodle and the strength of hair.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk Morning gents. Good morning. the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Morning, gents. Good morning. I'll tell you what, I've been driving into Absolute on a Saturday morning for the last two years for global pandemic reasons and I always go exactly the same route.

And I always go exactly the same route. And this morning I missed my turning into our road and I had to go all round central London. Eddie, explain that. The struggle is real. I got two punctures. Oh, man. OK, your hand. What, you got out?

They're like buses, aren't they, punctures? Not usually. Do you know there's something quite shameful about getting, I mean, the one puncture's bad enough because you're that guy, driving so slowly, everyone's honking you, but the two, I got the double. Yeah, it's just getting a puncture, it's like someone from Joss william doesn't feel like

something from the adult world anyway that's our um a funny thing happened to me on the way to the theater yeah opening oh and now here's the thing there are certain things in life which i i come across and they just make me happy and i i read this. This is a TV show from this week. I didn't even watch the TV show because I thought, I'm afraid to watch it because it won't be as good as the description of it. But I read the description, and I was in the kitchen on my own, and I lay back on the sofa. We've got a sofa in the kitchen.

Don't come up yourself. I just thought, oh, brave new world that had such people in it. And this was the description. I can't remember what the title is, but it says Ross Kemp. So far, so good. I'm in. Ross Kemp, you might remember, often meets people like the Klan

and sort of the Mafia. He's fearless. Ross Kemp finds out what happened to the animals who were rehoused after the closure of Michael Jackson's zoo. That's great. Imagine being

in that meeting. Here's an idea. Do you remember Michael Jackson's zoo? No. Did he have a zoo? He had a playground, didn't he? He had a zoo. He had a zoo. Imagine that, though. I mean, Ross Kemp is fearless, providing

he has a former and crew with him. I know, but no, I think he probably... He can with him. Oh, no, but... No, I think he probably... Does he? He can handle himself. Yeah, I think he can handle himself. I think he's got the right mix of gentle

and he could kill if he had to. Yes, I think that's true. There's something, that's something the bear about him. I mean, when he was meeting the animals, I don't think he was wrestling with them. I think he was just finding out what had happened to them.

But it's a very, you know, it's a bit like the Friends reunion, but the animal kingdom version. So, oh,

that tiger got looking a bit old, the tiger, but that parrot, I must say, looks just like it did when it was in Michael Jackson's zoo.

very well. Yeah. I met a lady this week who told me she didn't have a television, which is always... What do you mean? When someone says to me I don't have a television, I always think they might as well say I'm a little bit better person than you are. Yeah. They might just cut to the chase.

Yeah. Although I think a lot of the young people, they don't have a television, but they still watch television on computers and tablets. I think that's something. They watch it on their laptop. Oh, yes. Well, that's a good point.

But I think this was a stream. Was she of an age where perhaps that was... No, she was a really nice person. I was shocked and dismayed when she told me. And then she said, anyway, I've got to go now. And her son said, oh, I don't want to go, I don't want to. And her son said, oh, I don't want to go,

I don't want to go. And I said, no, I wouldn't want to go back to that cave of gloom. And I wasn't sure how well... You didn't say that. I did say that. I wasn't sure how well she...

I can't believe you said that. What did... I mean... Look at her house, a cave of gloom. No, but it was a metaphor. I mean, how would Ross Kempf really think I've been and seen all these animals

all over California and there's people who couldn't even be bothered to have a telly? No. I'll bet the parrot had some tails. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What's your ad for the first time last week? That, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that And did you have it through a straw? Oh, yeah. It's the biggest sensation when it's sort of jammed in the straw for a moment and then it's in... You see, I had the biggest diameter straw I've ever had in my life.

I'll stop boasting. It was like when people used to steal petrol by, you know, socking it up a pipe and then spitting it out. You see, the youth, they love the bubble tea and I like that because in my day, I mean, well,

we had the old Alco Pops, I'm afraid. I'm not proud. Whereas the youngsters now, they queue up round the block for the BT. But there's something a bit... It was all hooch

back in your day, wasn't it? And WKD. I mean, when I say hooch, we mean the brand, not the sort of... making it sound like Prohibition was my day.

What was the... Moonshine. In your day, it was Moonshine. That Elliot Nessie ruined your teenage years. No, what was the pudding at school? Was it tapioca that had... Semolina, tapioca. The one that had, like, it was frog spawn,

they used to call it. Yeah. And that's what bubble tea feels like. It's got giant frog spawn in the bottom. We didn't have that. Didn't have that? We had tarte au citron. Oh, yeah?

How was that? Very tart. Sounds quite, yeah. Those chaps that really explore the divide. Backgrounds. Tart. Citron. I think I drove one of those in the 70s.

Yeah, so I really liked it. I had passion fruit and strawberry. Did you? Passion fruit and strawberry always let me down. Yeah. Well, that's not very good for their ad campaign. For what? Ah, you can't sing that

for the bubble tea ad campaign. It was from a place called Bobbleology. Is it all sold from Bobbleology or could you go into Tesco's and get it? I'm not, don't send me any,

by the way. I've got money. I'm just talking about something that happened to me in the week. It's a bit weird when you say, I've got money. Well, I don't. You know, some people say stuff on the radio thinking I'll send me some now because I've said I like it, but I don't want to get into that

mercenary activity. Although, I have to say, I talked about blonde chocolate last week. Do you remember that? Oh, don't say you've got some. And I had Angela from Edinburgh said, Dear Frank, I heard you talk about your blonde... No, I won't, I won't. I heard you talk about your blonde Easter egg on the show.

Well, it gets very open here sometimes. And I thought you might like this. I discovered blonde chocolate recently. And then I discovered blonde chocolate with caramelised pistachios. And then she writes in block capitals, Blimey! It's not very Edinburgh, is it? It's sort of slightly in the trenches. Blimey.

Put that lucifer out. So did you get the chocolate from her then? I did. And she said, it's got sea salt. You know, no, they just can't get chocolate without somewhat savoury in it. Yeah. If you want to be. Oh, yeah, I would actually.

See, I thought you'd say, no, I'm on a diet. You know that thing when you offer something and then somebody says yes and you think, no. I don't think you understood the nature of that offer. Were you doing the equivalent of offering me a crisp whilst clutching the bottom of it? Well, I think, you know, when people say, look, do you want me to go and get you anything from the chemist or something? If you obviously don't want me to do that, that would be a real nuisance. But when you look back on this, you'll remember me offering you. And I think you both know it's not a real offer, obviously.

You're absolutely right. I broke the social contract. It's a bit like if you'd have said, you know, do you want me to bring anything to dinner? And you said, oh, actually, yeah, I would be very upset. Well, I went to my dentist recently, and he was telling me, I did an interview at the British Library with Rob Ince. Do you know Rob Ince?

The high-profile atheist comic. Oh, Robin Ince. Robin Ince. Oh, yeah. Sorry, I call him that. Talking about him like he plays for Man City. And when I got, he was so pleased to be interviewing me that he gave me this quite old-fashioned science fiction book

that he'd bought, an old sort of pulp thing, lovely. And he goes to the same dentist as me, and I discovered the other day, my dentist said, oh, Frank Skinner's coming in after. He said, I'll tell you something about Frank Skinner. He said, I was really excited I'd bought this, found this book in a second-hand shop. It's really, you know, old.

I was showing it to him and he assumed it was a gift and he just took it away. So, Robin, I'm going to give it your back. He won't be listening. I don't know. Do I, what time do I think it's getting up? There's nothing to get up for at the weekend. Here's a question.

You know there are things in life where you're told and you just accept them and then one day you think, hold on. And I think it's one that struck me the other day. Can you honestly sit in the front of a car with a person and they can have the heating on like 24 degrees and you can have it on 16 and that works when you're sitting next to them?

Oh, what, you mean when they have the split? Yeah. You mean when they have the split control? Yeah. Which gives the illusion that you're in... That can't... They're sitting next to me. When does that heat stop?

Well, I see, as the motoring expert, I think we should put this to you, counsellor. I think this is fizzy. Yeah, I think it is. But I think you're right. You'd think it would cancel out eventually and you'd both end up with 18 or 20 or whatever. You're going to mingle.

It's going to work the way relationships work, that eventually you're going to sort of bleed into each other and you're going to get a bit like them and they're going to get a bit like you. Yeah. That's the way I see it. Any road up? I went to the circus last week.

Did you? Giffords. You know Giffords Circus? It's very nice. They don't do... Can I just confirm something? They don't have animals anymore, do they?

There was a horse. Oh. Yeah. No. Do they not do elephants in the tutus? No, they don't have elephants standing on those

like little stalls. You know, you just look at those stalls and think, God, wouldn't have thought they'd take an elephant? Yeah.

No, they don't. They've become really work shy, haven thought that would take an elephant? Yeah. No, they don't. They've become really work-shy, haven't they, over the years? Yeah. No, it's very cruel. I think they got unionised or something. They don't do the dancing, Dad. You know, my grandad believed that chimpanzees could talk because he was walking back through a field.

He walked back through a field where a circus was sort of parked up for the night well it's sort of it had been in there it's closed down and he walked past the chimpanzee cage and he swore he heard them just talking to each other in the night and honestly he maintained this to the day he died he absolutely believed they could talk and when people asked him well if they didn't talk, why don't they talk, why is no one else? He said, of course, they're not going to talk openly.

He said, first thing you know, they'd be down the pit. He said, if there was a war, they'd be the first ones in. So they keep it to themselves. It's a perfectly reasonable theory when you put it like that. Anyway, this is what i saw there was two girls and they did the trapeze thing but they hung from their hair wow okay now i thought well this this can't be right so i took photos oh I see and I thought when I get home I'll do the Victorian fairies thing

I'll go into zoom and I'll be able to see some support wire or something but I didn't but I honestly come away believing that they swung and span around by their hair what do you make of that?

I'll tell you what I make of it. Cool story, bro, because I think you're doing this to cover yourself because cats or you zooming in on photos of the ladies. Well, if you see the photos, you'll see they're not something that you'd... But at least we know they've not got extensions.

Well, no. Maybe they have, but they're tungsten. I'm going to put the pictures on social media because if anyone can spot... I think they honestly hung by their hair and spun around and all stuff like that. I mean, it sounds nightmarish. Why would you put yourself through that?

Well, you know, the show must go on. Must it, though? I think probably once the tickets are out there. Oh, yeah. It was great. Was it expensive, the circus? It was worth it. Was it?

There was one act. I'll tell you about it after. Is there a ringmaster jacket? Just quickly. Does he wear the red jacket still? He? She? Oh!

Oh! Ha-ha! It was a woman, actually. Lovely. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about these women who hung by their hair and looking at the pictures. And the theory, Emily's theory,

and I think that basically the female half of the team think that there's some sort of tights involved. I don't know why you could hang from tights and that would be okay on the hair. But on the other one, I said, no, if you look at the other pictures, it just looks like bear hair. And bear hair, bear hair of course

is the telephone directory entry of hair bear who used to be in the hair bear bunch i don't know how many there were in the bear in the german version by the way i should explain when i said um the victorian fairies i was talking about they claimed that in a garden somewhere they had seen fairies and they took photos of them. And Arthur Conan Doyle, if I remember rightly, of Sherlock Holmes fame, completely bought into it. Said they were genuine. Yeah, he fell for a few of those big things, didn't he?

And then when they had... Yeah. Yeah, very gullible yeah yeah now I wanted to do a version of no

something Sherlock but I couldn't think of a clean way of doing it I had to just I had to just let it go I mean professional

to the last well done to the very last. Yeah, the thing that I love, for all these people risking their lives and that in the circus and swinging off things, the thing I hadn't seen for years, a quick change artist they had.

Oh, yeah. She was fantastic. I mean, I thought, wow, this is the future, this is quick change. It's quick change. And there was a bit where... I've no idea how they do it. Do you have any idea? What do you mean?

So what they do is you just watch them get undressed or something? Well, this is how quick it is. You know, if there's one thing that a clown likes, it's a bucket full of glitter. On a car horn. I mean, come on. Oh, they love that. But, you know, sort of ticker tape in a bucket full of glitter. Oh, look at her car horn. I mean, come on. Yeah, oh, they love that. But, you know, sort of ticker tape in a bucket. So there's a clown, he tips that over her,

and by the time it's all, the cascaders stop coming out the bucket, she's changed into a completely different outfit. Oh, shut up. I mean, come on! Wow. If this was 70s, I'd say, you know how long it takes women to get changed in the morning?

Same old. But yeah, it's really, she'd done about a dozen costumes in about five minutes. You wonder if the spies have cottoned on to the quick change artist's techniques, because that would be very handy for your double agent, wouldn't it?

Or, you know, shoplifters, people running away from banks. Well, Crucial to Absolute Radio does not give advice to shoplifters. No, but if there were one and they were thinking about it, then that's quite shrewd, I would say. What you need to do, if you have a shop, don't sell quick change outfits, is my advice. That's just going to blow up in your face. Here's the thing.

Actually, we've Oh sorry carry on We've got a text from 597 Who's AKA Simon of Sudbury Oh yes Who says This explains how Superman and Spider-Man

Get into character so quickly They started in the circus As quick change artists I'm not sure they did I think he's just joining in With the quick change artists. I think I explained last week that Robin started.

I don't mean Rob-ince. I mean Robin of Batman and Robin. He started, but he wasn't a quick change artist. The Rob-ince thing is making me feel ill. He was one of the fly air races. Holy unreturned book, Batman.

I know. I can't live with it. I'm going to give it him. It wasn't his unreturned, it was never for me in the first place. Awful. Well, it turns out, Frank. Sorry, Al, I was going to say, you know that, what your mother used to say, I believe,

what's for you, you won't pass you by. Not so in Frank's case. Yeah, what's for you, we'll go by you. Yeah, not so. Frank will reach out and grab it. No, well, my partner tells a story of when she's a child, she went round the neighbour's house and the woman offered her a plate for a sandwich.

Oh, no. And she thought she'd been offered the whole plate, so she just took it off. Look, it was about 40 sandwiches and took it back home. And the woman, I would have let it go, but the woman came back to get it. I hope they choked her. We've all had,

I had it once with my godfather's boyfriend, gave me a copy of Union of the Snake, Duran Duran, and I said, thanks so much. And he was Australian, he was called Bruce. Yeah. But nevertheless, this story is true, even though it sounds made up. But did he say, did he was called Bruce. Yeah. And, but nevertheless, this story is true,

even though it sounds made up. But did he say, did he let it go? No. He said, oh, no, no, that's mine, love. Okay. Well, Robin Instyn didn't, he's a very sort of gentle fellow. He just couldn't do it.

It could be too nice, can't there, something? Yeah, it could be too nice. That's the problem, Incy. Incy Wincy. So... The governor, as we call him. I'll tell you what I was thinking about. I tried tubing recently.

What? Tried what? Tubing. Going on the tube? No, I've done that before. It's not that exciting it's more bubble is this more bubble tea stuff no the big straw tubing um no i've bought a bane outfit no listen tubing yeah is you go to uh an artificial ski slope and you sit on a sort of what looks like a dinghy,

an inflatable circle, like a big donut, and you just sit on it and get at the top and then you just go down the slope on that. And I tried it and what the bloke didn't say to me, this was at Gloucester Ski Centre, that there's a bit of a step at the bottom. So as we came down, it went down and my teeth slammed together, honestly. Like, ooh, I really felt it.

And I thought, if I'd have had my tongue in there i would have just bit my bit my tongue off then what would the radio show have been like and it reminds you know occasionally in life you get a near miss and they're not always sometimes they're just you know um i was on to everything i was on the one show and uh that that before we went on the researcher researcher or someone worked on the show, so we're just going to walk through the beginning just to make sure we've got it. So I went out there thinking that we were rehearsing a bit before the live show,

so I'd have been quite happy to use some explosive swear words and it suddenly occurred to me after about a minute and a half that this was the show that she was giving me wrong information. I was live on television. That could have destroyed my career and maybe choked an old lady in Bolton who was just having a drink of tea when I released a string of expletives.

So I was just thinking about near Mrs. That's what I was thinking about. If anyone else has had any non-terrible near misses, I'd love to hear about it. Okay. What about that? Would you like to hear from Anna Banana

very briefly? Well, no. Okay, I'm going to tease it. The producer looked at me like daggers then, like I'd suggested it. I'm going to tease it. She's got an answer to the whole trapeze hair question. Oh, fantastic.

Is she called Anna Bernal? We've had her before, haven't she? Yeah. Haven't she? That's an anagram of a perfectly reasonable sentence. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. And a banana.

And a banana. Oh, we were on a cliffhanger, weren't we? Do you remember, Al? We were on an anabanana cliffhanger, yeah. We were. The most dangerous cliffhanger of all, I would have thought. A single strand of hair can hold 100 grams. So all your hair together, attached by a metal ring, can take your weight.

But doesn't it really... Googled because I didn't know. I mean, I suspect A, that rather depends on your weight. Doesn't it really, really hurt? And a banana doesn't confirm either way. Oh, okay. Bit vague. It's a slippery

response from the banana. A berry, of course. Let us not forget. A banana is officially a berry. Who's your favourite berry? My or Chuck? A banana. A banana is officially a berry. Yeah. Who's your favourite berry? My favourite berry?

Choc. Oh, mine's Nick. Yeah, I know Choc rather disgraced himself in later years, but his early days. That's one way of putting it. He's a very problematic character, Frank. He was, but I like the music. Let's put it that way.

I've separated the man from the music. Speaking of which, I went to a Wagner opera at the weekend. Please separate the man. Yeah, and Lohengrin, do you know him? Yeah. The thing with Lohengrin is that the main guy, Lohengrin, you would have liked, Emily, because he wore a suit with no shoes and socks.

Oh. Which was the classical pianist found on beach look. Remember that story? Yeah. Found a man on a beach in a suit with no shoes and socks. Was he a classical pianist or was it a complete hoax? I can't remember. I'm afraid it was a complicated story. But yes, he was found on the beach. He was barefoot and he was a classical pianist or was it a complete hoax? I can't remember. I'm afraid it was a complicated story, but yes,

he was found on the beach, he was barefoot, and he was a fabulous pianist. I'm afraid he could play the piano, but I think he did have more knowledge of who he was than perhaps he'd initially met him. Ah, yes. He was a classical pianist. He might have deliberately forgotten some of it.

Well, quite, Al. What if that guy had arrived in the canoe at the same time? A double scam. No, don't do it today, mate. I'm doing my scam today. This is my pitch. That's all my crushes rolled into one. Exactly.

Anyway, Lohengrin arrives drawn by a giant swan. That's the arrival. He's on a little boat pulled by a giant swan. That's the arrival. He's on a little, you know, boat pulled by a giant swan. So when you go and see that, you think, wee, swan, swan, swan. The audience at the Royal Opera House are going, swan, swan, swan,

before and... Were they? No. And then... Did they have cut off... And then the way they did it, the way they did it was the singers going, Oh, here comes a giant swan,

and looking into the audience. And I think there was a bloke at the back doing, you know, that sort of hand shadows that they do. Oh, no. And I thought, oldie, 192 quid a ticket? Where's me swan? Where's me swan? It's sold, poultry, 192 quid a ticket? Where's me swan? Where's me soul's poultry?

£192 a ticket? They didn't even do a swan for that money. No, absentee foul? I think not. They could have thrown some feathers at the proper person. They could have had a big giant swan. What they got made with their profits.

But no. We all had to imagine it couldn't even it's like over our shoulder i suppose i had to say no though there was one at the back if you had a turn around we had a massive one at the back but nobody turned around oh i would love to see that in the upper section of the guardian they could have had a giant swan what they got made a giant swan what they got made with their profits. Yeah, it was, I felt very,

very let down. Did you shout ring on the feathers? I shouted where's me swan? What if I'd started swan, swan,

swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan,

swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan,

swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan,

swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan,

swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan,

swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan,

swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan, swan,, swan, swan, sw point. Swan! Swan! Oh, man. Tight wads. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You know, I say you can't see the wood for the trees

sometimes, and that you see the big picture and you don't see the small things in front of you that really count. Yes. We'll ignore that, Emily. Sorry, I didn't mean to laugh. We've got two amazing berries of our own at Absolute Radio, which we forgot to mention in our favourite berries.

Yeah. Nate H has pointed out, surely working for Absolute your favourite Berry should be Frank? Well they suggest Dave but Matt of course is also one of the voices of Absolute I've

recently been watching Toast the popular television show that Barry is both in and I think co-created and co-wrote I'm very late to the party but it's ever so funny it is ever so funny I like the one there's a bit of sticks in my memory when he says um my problems I don't I can't do the voice but I don't care I have no interest in the opinions of others I completely disrespect other. I don't care what they think.

And his agent said, maybe you could be a director. Oh. But we are big Dave Berry fans. I get up to him every morning. Do you? In fact, he'll be furious because he was doing some stuff

about Lohan Green this week. And you'll think after it you'll probably think i've ripped that off but it was just the coincidence yeah um no it's a very fine and funny show um and i'm not just saying that because i work here so what about that okay you're gonna have to trust me but speak we know we're on the company man thing great news today i'm gonna do where's where's where's here we go great news today. I'm going to do... Where's... Here we go. Great news today. I've got my mojo back. What do you mean?

Mojo, the music magazine, which is produced by our parent company, Bauer. I've been saying to the producer for weeks, where's me free mojo? I hate it when you say that yeah and anyway it's it has arrived uh a grateful dead live cd stuck to the front and a big picture of liam gallagher on the cover but i love it i'd recommend it this is nothing to do with the fact that it's made by bates a real cracker for all your great things news look There was a letter in there not so long ago

really laying into Lester Bangs and saying, you know, he's writing, he's just narrow-minded. Lester Bangs died like about 40 years ago. It's people who really, really, really care about music and I'd recommend it very much. God, I've got all that out of my system. OK, Ruth Jordan, one of our regulars. The morning sun shone down upon the eyes of Ruth Jordan.

Nevertheless, Ruth Jordan says, Frank's opera sans swan complaint reminds me of a story... Swat, swat, swat. He used to tell of seeing Macbeth in Malvern in an audience of mainly school kids. Over to you, Frank Skinner. Well, it's supposed to be bad luck to quote

Macbeth, but I'm a Roman Catholic. I can't be accepting things like that. So, yeah, the bit where he goes, is this a dagger I see before me? A kid behind said, they should have had one on a string. Really quite loudly. But he carried on. Yeah, you know, I like a bit of the old theatre

where they can't afford to do the whole. But, I mean, not at the Royal Opera House. You pay your money. Oh, those prices. You text your swan. That's my thing. Someone thinking, you know, we could save 20 grand if we don't build this.

They've just got the drawings in front of them. Yeah. They could have had a 2D thing. They could have just got a couple of cuddly toys. I mean, would it have killed them? No, that might have killed the drama. If we'd arrived... Oh, what, people shouting,

Swan, Swan! If we'd arrived with a bloke in an emu poppy. I mean, if you're going to go, Swan, go, Swan. That's what I say. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So have you had any near misses, Glenn Davis? I had a casting for Shane. Shane was my...

And then he continues, not sure how non-terrible this was. I wonder if it was one or two, though. It depends. That's what measures it's terribleness. Which is worse, that too? Well, depends what you think. In case you don't know,

I wrote a sitcom and I wrote two series, which were all filmed and stuff. The first one went out. The second one is still in the can. So even though it was made, dubbed everyone was paid it's just not it's not worthy in the view of itv so in a way if you're in the second one that's a bigger thing because it wasn't good enough to be broadcast in some people's opinion but if you're in the the first one, you would have got broadcast.

So maybe that is more of a near miss. Yeah. But great if you were in the second one and you didn't think that your performance was particularly good and you were thinking... Well, you'd have a lot in common with the ITV executives,

if you thought that. And it's not going out, but I'm still on full whack. Yeah. I sometimes think that Lee Mack's not going out was but I'm still on full whack. Yeah. I sometimes think that Lee Mack's not going out was a dig at Shane too. But I've never asked him about it. It's a bit of a coincidence.

Two comics write a sitcom. One fails, one succeeds. I mean, just twist the knife. Yeah. Macko. I was in that. I was in Not Going Out. I remember you, because I've seen every single episode. Well, I Macco. I was in that. I was in, not going out. I remember you,

because I've seen every single episode. Well, I was in. I loved that show. And I remember seeing you in it. Can I just say, it was a very good performance. I was also a warm-up on the same evening. Was you really?

Oh, you broke the magic of theatre. Have you never listened to the words of Hugh Binky Beaumont, who said, never let the audience see you before the show because of the magic of theatre? I have. Hugh Binky Beaumont. Doesn't get enough name checks on commercial radio.

John Hopkins. Hopkins. I took the kids kite flying last week. Failed miserably as it was too windy. It was only, this is, we're going to put this in the, categorise this under the near misses. It was only when we finished that I noticed an electricity pylon. And where they'd been kite flying.

And memories from my 70s childhood, I'm afraid, came flooding back. Yes, there used to be an ad when they used to have public uh service adverts um for example um don't overcrowd your car and um my particular favorite wear something white at night a white red coat or a hat is swell a shopping bag will do as well just use your ingenuity and wear a garment we can see maybe one were being responsible then because they yeah yes and there's a bit okay it doesn't matter to us as long as you're conspicuous.

Wow. But yes, there was one with someone flying a kite. Well, a frisbee gets trapped. There's always called Timmy as well. They go, no, Timmy. Don't climb it. Don't climb that. They're always a little bit oddly posh, the children as well,

from drama school. Yeah. Do you remember that ice cream might have been you? There's a kid just going to dash out into the road and somebody grabs him, someone like the Green Cross man, and he drops his ice cream, goes in the road and the car goes over him and he says, that ice cream might have been you. Wow. All right. Part road safety, part existential crisis. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Do you want to hear about some more near misses? Yeah. OK. Jen Jem. Right. I got up to go to the bar in a pub.

That's it. No, no. And a ceiling fan crashed onto the table from above where I'd been sat two seconds prior. The macabre thing was, I was drinking cocktails called Nail in the Coffin. Wow. I mean, come on, that is quite something.

That is quite... I wonder, would you get like a free drink from the pub or something well it depends on the pub yeah

some pubs no okay um SF oh that'd be a nice friend for you Frank SF

what do you think it's going to be it might not be science fiction though it could be just like Sheila Ferguson from or Sarah Ferguson of course yeah hasn't she been It might not be science fiction, though. It could be just like Sheila Ferguson from...

Or Sarah Ferguson, of course. Mm-hm. Hasn't she been through enough? Anyway, carry on. I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can carry on after that. He doesn't want to dwell for good reason. Extraordinary.

In our house, we always root for the gingers in public life. That's how we swing. Do you? Mm-hm. OK. They do, they look out for each other. I like that. Well, my son, when he heard that Ben Stokes was the England captain,

was beside himself this week. What about when I said to Faye, who works with us, I said, oh, I was going to, you know, the presenter, Angela Scanlon. She went, oh, of course I know her. Yeah. Redhead. Well, my son had to do, when he was at his old school, he had to do a thing called role models,

and you had to write about your role model and do a drawing. And he did Ben Stokes. It was about a month after the nightclub incident but we hadn't told him oh no still with a

crickey did you say oh no but he actually said I love him because he's a brilliant batter and a brilliant

bowler and he's got the same colour hair as me I thought that's just up front it yeah completely up front

it anyway enough SF train crash on Christmas Eve just out Upfront it. Yeah. Completely upfront it. Anyway, enough. SF. Hmm? Train crash on Christmas Eve just outside Zagreb. Yeah. When we said non-terrible, there this is.

No, it's all right. I don't think there were fatalities, so it's fine. Luckily, we didn't tip over, but a nun stole my seat on the train. Oh. Is the next bit going to be in a girdle that went through her chest or something like that? No. OK. There's no darkness to this. It was a train crash.

It was unfortunate. But obviously, I don't know if anyone perished. It seems like they didn't. But the bad thing that happened was the nun stole the seat. Do you know we could, if we wanted to... Some of them have a superior air, don't they? Very good. We could, if we wanted to, completely destroy the business

that is nailing the coffin cocktails. If at the end of every one of these near misses we added... And the funny thing is I was drinking a nail in the coffin cocktail. We have that power at our fingertips. We can finish them. We've had a lot of people also getting in touch about the mechanics of the hair pulling with the trapeze artist

for example Julianne pulleys and guide cables to control the spinning motion of the performer are used no I don't did they? so Julianne continues can I just tell you if I'm at you, if I'm at the circus,

if I'm at the circus and someone's on the trapeze or something and they click on a safety thing, I'm on my phone. I'm on my phone for the next ten minutes. Do you want to hear more? She's putting bad reviews on TripAdvisor. Yeah, I just want to know. Julianne, as Frank McClintock once said of me,

which I was delighted to hear, she knows her onions. Oh, OK. Yeah, when I was at Highbury. You didn't know how much you hate onions. Well, it was the worst thing he could have said. Julianne, hair hanging is essentially a form of high wire act. Backstage, the performer's hair is carefully braided around a steel loop.

During the act, the loop is attached to a steel cable. I feel I've lost you. Wow. I'm just trying to picture why that stops the hair pulling. Because assistants in the wings are using the guide cables and pulleys to control their motion. I'm sorry, I'm not having that. Frank, you can't just say no when you don't know something.

It's a circus. Of course you can. There are no wings. The whole thing's a circus. How would you have felt if you'd have gone backstage and said, where's the swan? And someone had said, no. No, but...

The only backstage bit's surely out of tent, isn't it? Isn't that the whole point? But they didn't... No, I'm... No. They didn't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that.

I wouldn't want to be in an act like that that you could potentially harm your own chances of survival by inadvertently using a Tangle Teaser. Well, exactly. Yeah, or, you know, wrong shampoo, man. You're out. You see, Tangle Teaser, that's my favourite Dragons Turn Me Down story.

What's yours? There's been a few... I love Dragons Turn Me Down stories. Is that what happened? Someone went on with Tangle Taser. And they said, don't be ridiculous. And Deborah Meaden inevitably said, Al,

What did she say? She says her catchphrase. What is her catchphrase? I'm afraid I'm out. Okay. She hasn't really, she hasn't pushed the boat out of that catchphrase. It's Meaden, she's a business person.

I know. What do you want? It's right up there with Johnny Cash's catchphrase. Oh, I'm Johnny Cash. Worst catchphrase is. No, it's brilliant because it's unstealable. You can't have like... Well, you could half steal it.

Pat had a go, I reckon. Pat Cash. Pat Cash, yeah. We could have half stole it. Hello, I'm Pat Cash. Hello? That's the trouble. It doesn't have that level of gravitas

where you think this is obviously a sort of thing we don't respond to. Oh, will you? Hello, how did you get my number? Pat Cash couldn't steal Johnny Cash's outfit either. No, you couldn't play. You probably couldn't nowadays. I'll tell you what, that's a bit petty.

Was that good? Thank you, Al. Should have been a bit patty. No, petty cash. Oh, I see. Well, did anyone call him Patty Cash? I hope they did. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram and Frank on the radio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Oh, you went a bit GGs there. Yeah.

How did your horse do, I wonder? Was it Terrible Old Git or something? Yeah, I can't remember. I don't know what won the Grand National even. I'll tell you who would. Yes. Oh, Michael Owen. Oh, Cornelius Lysette, of course.

Yeah. No, Joan Jett, I Love Rock and Roll. As I recall it, there used to be a TV programme called The Arrows that had a boy band sort of thing who were all very, very handsome. In the early days when they didn't realise that they could do it without playing instruments, so they played instruments, these guys. Oh, yeah. And they sang I Love Rock and roll uh in their lovely sweet

good looking way and then joan jett sort of i love sort of uh covered it and made it a bit more raunchy but for me it'll always be the arrows can i just ask you something i just want to spill my guts briefly it won't take long okay and we can clear it up afterwards it's just a brief one okay what do you think of this as this might be tricky for you frank to navigate i went to the football with david deal last week he asked me it was very nice he sent me the text and at first i thought oh that's nice important game champions league place at stake i thought fine i. Then, it was when he called me, he said, yeah, I'm so glad you can come.

He said, you know, I asked Frank, but he couldn't make it. Right. OK. I can live with that. I don't mind being a deputy to Frank Skinner. But then he said, yeah, I asked Patrick Marlborough as well. OK. He couldn't make it.

So I was third on the list. Who do you know about about he might have seen your facial expression and thought I'd better not tell the next 27 people that I asked to be honest

well I think I free stuff I don't mind I don't mind being on a list you know what I mean as long as I get it

yeah and also I hadn't actually said no i just i was i was in a meeting dear when i got the text so when i i was gonna get back to him and then he said i've already given it to emily dean he said it's better than an arsenal fan goes because it was arsenal chelsea so um because i'm really glad you said that because i'd love to spend an evening with david but i was thinking well i've been that evening because I love to spend an evening with David, but I was thinking... Well, I bet that evening,

because Arsenal won at Stamford Bridge. He was so strict, guys. He said, you can't look happy. You can't look excited. You've got to suppress your relation. I said, I know what the deal is. You should really bring along people like me that can never look happy or excited.

Well, I once stood up... That would be ideal for that. I once stood up and cheered at ibrox when england scored against scotland and i was in this and i was in the scotland end because everyone had been saying all right i have a picture and all that i thought oh lovely friendly genial crowd and then when they scored away I went, and they were all going, get out of here! It really got horrible and scary.

I feel like I pretended I shapeshifted, though. I'm more of a coward than you. I don't have your integrity. No, this was stupidity, not brave. The second goal, I went, oh, that's nice. Yeah, I found it very stressful because I felt such a cheat when I left, anyway I'm sorry I digress

Well I sympathise because I am a tremendous believer in segregation at football matches because I once went to Chelsea West Brom to Wimminga I went to Chelsea West Brom

and I sat with him in the Chelsea bit David and I've never called him David in my life he's a nice person to go to the football to be fair

and all around I could hear come on Chelsea beat this rubbish and I thought I can't cope with this I'm never sitting amongst

the white fans again well I mean the Rome fans but I don't want to hear their opinions. It's one, it's a very difficult thing. I just think you feel

it's very Trojan horse. The whole thing makes me feel, I realised I would be a very bad spy. I just don't want to know their opinions. I want to be amidst

our biased opinions, not their biased opinions against us. There's a very good reason people are separate football. Let's stick with that. I'm pro-segregation. Yeah, I hope they just don't take out I'm pro-segregation

and use that as a trailer. That could be career-threatening. Can I say, I had an email come to the show today which made me very, very happy, which was Andrew from Dublin who said, on your recommendation, I went to see the lovely eggs and it was a really great gig.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Little moments like that. Yeah. They make me happy. It's interesting that you don't look at the emails that praise the actual show but you are prepared to look at emails where you've recommended something that says a lot about your humility that well i was walking thank you i was walking past um emily's computer screen and i noticed um i noticed holly from the lovely Eggs on a picture, which is why I looked at it,

and the guy had had his pic with her. I thought you were going to say you noticed that look-o-likey that someone had sent you. No, that someone sent in a Frank Skinner look-alike, which I think... I mean, I'm not a Vine man when it comes to appearance, but I thought that was harsh. Maybe we should put that away.

No, we've put it off. It's OK. The gentleman is an underwater acoustics consultant. Who is? Another one of those. Aren't we all, dear? Yeah. Did he do...

Can we share this, Frank? How would you feel about us sharing it? No, share it. If you are willing to share this, you are a big man. I'm happy for you to share it. I think you should share it. I've now got a suggestion for a potential, another friend of the show.

As you know, the show has many friends, but occasionally we have to kind of release them because they go from being kind of lovable eccentrics to despots. Yeah. But we've got, I would like to put forward put forward dean pew who's been in the news this week have a beer um he uh he's been in the news this week because he's been eating pot noodles for 30 years or more he's gone noodle a day he's's known as Mr Noodle and Noodle King sometimes. Noodle King.

He's actually got three pot noodle vending machines. Has he? And I think he should be someone that we discuss. But not least. I mean, I've got a contrarian streak, as you know. Yeah. But in a world that shuns carbs, this guy is really swimming against the tide, isn't he?

Well, you've got to have a passion now. You've got your marshals. I've got small furry dogs. Frank has got 1970s actors saying, I am the supreme being. We've all got something. He's got pot noodles. But you know what?

What worries me about this is, as friends called me, I turned up to a couple of he's a metal detector guy a detectorist yeah he said i turned up to a couple of those um do's with um pot noodles and my friend started calling me mr noodle and noodle king and then i started eating them every day what is this life imitates art i don't it sounds to me like the reason he's eating them is you know we all seek an identity that's generally graspable to others yeah his friends had gone to all that effort to come up with names like mr noodle and noodle king

yeah which you could argue mr Carden Burger King might think well that's just taken our basic template and not done very much with it and I'll be interested to see how that turns out legally but I think because they've called him that he's decided

he's going to marry himself to pot noodles it's too cynical the way he's done it I himself to pot noodles. That's what I think has happened. It's too cynical, the way he's done it. I'm not happy with him. No, I don't think he's married himself. It says in it he's got a wife. No. Which, respect him under.

But every day he says, I feel now that he's keeping up appearances as I was in the bouquet yesterday. I worry he's going to make himself poorly, Dean Pugh. And also, what about when he no longer wants to be Noodle King and Mr Noodle, and when he wants to go back to being Dean Pugh, he might find himself in Mr Go Compare territory, where we watch the adverts and say,

we don't want the real guy. Why is the real guy on spoiling it? Who cares about the real guy? Sing the song. Put your tash back on. The real guy on talking about his career. What are you talking about? It's an advert.

Get out. Sing it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now we're talking about this what is he called Frank? Was it Noodle King? Dean Pugh.

Mr Noodle. Mr Noodle. The article says Dean Pugh has dined out on the popular snack every day for nearly a decade, and it's the first time for ages that I've heard... Oh, lovely skin I bet he's got. I've heard the phrase dined out, but meaning actual food.

Actually dined out, yes. Oh, what do you think it is? Dined out usually means an anecdote, doesn't it? Well, the man says he's a superfan, and they say he reckons he's had at least 4,000 in his lifetime. Yeah. Now, I would say this. Let's say Frank Skinner, he loves an ESM.

What is that? Extra Strong Mint. Oh, yeah. I would say, how many do you think you have? I'd say a packet a day. Well, no, Ocado. We have Ocado once a week, and they generally bring me a seven-pack.

And that lasts you a week? So I guess that is a pack a day. You have a packet a day. Yeah, it's a pack a day, that. Yeah. Okay, Al. It's a long way of agreeing with Emily, that. Yeah, it was.

I'm just doing the math. Let me do the math. Seven packs a week. Could you make your next book a long way of agreeing with Emily? So we're looking at, I think, what, Aladdin, what's that? Yes. 365 a year? Mm.

Okay. Is it? Yeah. One packet a day. Yeah, but it's more maths. Yeah, so there you go. He's had considerably more. You've had that ESM habit for at least 20 years.

I would say you've had more than 4,000 packets. Yeah, but... You're saying, where's Frank's news story? Yeah. Why isn't Frank the mint? Yeah, because no one calls me Mr. Mint, that's why, or King Mint. That's why... Mr. Minted.

Mr. Minted. Yeah, that's been called that. But that was a long time ago. I'll tell you what I did. On the strength of this story, I was shopping and I had a look at a pot noodle. I haven't picked a pot noodle up since the old king died. The old king noodle. um and it said exactly i looked up chicken and mushroom i went for so i looked at the ingredients um you shouldn't have done that mushroom oh that's good naught point four percent we're talking less than a two hundredths of the whole is mushroom.

It's just a suggestion. What's that? That's like, you know when you scrape off the top of the dome of the mushroom and you get one section? I don't think it's that. I don't even think it's that. But then, obviously, where did I go then? Looking in the ingredients.

In that it's called chicken and mushroom. How much chicken then? Yeah. Turns out chicken is what I would call the scarlet pimpernel of the chicken and mushroom pot noodle. It is. For the second time this week, um, songs poultry

the absentee felt no swan no chicken that's that's a double header for me there is no chicken

chicken chicken I'm going to say it again there is no chicken in pot noodle chicken and mushroom we might get sued why bring it up

if it's not in there? I mean, what do you mean? And they could have gone away with it if they'd have just gone for one of those, sometimes what these brands do, they just call it Dixie mushroom noodle or something. Yeah, something like that. But if I'd gone and seen Morecambe and Wise

after Eric Morecambe died and it had just been Ernie Wise, you wouldn't have called it the Morecambe and Wise, after Eric Morecambe died, and it had just been Ernie Wise. You wouldn't call it the Morecambe and Wise show. No. No chicken. You wouldn't really call it a show. So, um... No chicken.

So what else? It's a lot of, um... Well, there's noodles. There's a lot of noodles. And it's got the older... Oh, look, there's 0.4% mushroom. Has it got the... E's are good in there there I'm sure it has

I don't want to I don't know enough about nutrition but I have I'm a man of certain expectations

now I know if you assume you make an ass of Uma Thurman but I did assume that there'd be chicken

in pot noodle chicken and mushroom that's what it's even got top billing they didn't have the decency to call it I did assume that there'd be chicken in pot noodle, chicken and mushroom. That's what... It's even got top billing. They haven't had the decency to call it mushroom and chicken, so at least put it in a lower... There must be some chicken. They've made it their head.

There's no chicken. No, there's no chicken. It's chicken and mushroom flavour. But where do they get the flavour of chicken from? From flavouring. There's another bit that sounds more like mushroom fluid or something. I don't even want to think about it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, Frank, we've had one of our readers, I love our readers, for this reason and many others, but Nimu has got in touch. He's worked, he or she, has worked out how many mints you've consumed, roughly. I don't know if I should hear this. It might make me, I worry for my teeth with the mints. Okay. But go on. teeth with the mints okay but go on um dear frank a pack of mints a day for 20 years we're advertising you know this 20 years it's not true i reckon it's about four years okay then we could you recalculate yes i'm sorry i'm sorry to spread i didn't correct it because i thought well no one's

gonna pick that up and run with it there's a lot of maths have been done based on the ten mints in a pack. Why are we discussing this where everyone's just accepting that there's no chicken in pot noodle, chicken and mushroom? I'm facing off with the mints. We've had somebody grumbling in a similar fashion to you. I wasn't grumbling. I was astonished. You were. It's fine. It was entertaining grumbling in a similar fashion to you. I wasn't grumbling. I was astonished. You were. It's fine.

It was entertaining grumbling. 677 has said, Dear Frank and team, re-missing poultry and snacks. This happens at all levels. And they use a phrase I really enjoyed now. I invested financially in a packet of Peking duck gourmet crisps. What a swindle.

The ingredient list contained not even a beak, just hoisin flavouring. And that's from Mark. But you know what? With crisps, I kind of sort of, I don't expect a big lump of chicken on a crisp. Not since hedgehog flavour have we expected. No.

Apparently. Do you remember those, Al? I used to have those with my hooch. Hedgehog flavoured? Yeah, there was a brief jerky hedgehog flavoured crisp. It's a cure for bedwetting, I believe, if you eat hedgehog. Good use of I believe. Yeah, I'm just trying to...

Asking for a friend. It's just the absolute lawyer is doing like a cutthroat symbol at the other side of the window.

Oh, what's the fine about the chicken pot noodle? That's right, I'll go to court on that, I've checked

those ingredients. You know what reader, he will. Yeah, it would be a great trial. Anyway, that's it from the Johnny Depp trial. And now it's over to the Skinner pot noodle debate.

Live streaming. Number one court at the Old Bailey. Oh, man. Well done. I'm not like Skinner. It was a typo on the ingredients. Who's this? Pot noodle and French on.

Pot noodle and French on. That's a pot noodle, they call it in France. Pot noodle. I can see someone dressed as a pot noodle outside the Old Bailey. Yeah, exactly, a protester guy. Oh, man. I wish I hadn't gone into this mess now.

No, sorry, that's me just having a pot noodle. Dean Pugh. Yeah, a lot of pot noodle news. Dean Pugh. Yeah, a lot of pot noodle news. Dean Pugh ate a pot noodle that was 14 years old. Legend. And said, I quote in King Noodle,

I could only imagine licking the bottom of my granny's knicker drawer when I ate it, OK? Oh, horrible. Two things there. One, why bring it up? Two, ageism, it's the last ism we've been left with and people drink it in mighty draughts. I know, I do.

Do you know what? I think that's quite a good thing to bring up in your trial. Yes. If you give that to your lawyers. Well, I don't, I won't be against Pew. I think it's Skinner versus Bart Noodle.

I think Pew's only a character witness. No, but he calls himself King Noodle. He is King Noodle, yeah. You know, heavy is the head that wears the crown. That's true. Especially if it's 16 years old. If I win, he'll have to go into exile.

By the way, I should say that about, oh man, 18 months ago, someone, I wish I could say the name, but there was no accompanying letter with this. Story of my life, dear. So I'm told. There's a comic called Pogs in Space. I don't know if you remember this. And it's like dogs.

Well, something for me and you, Frank. And I gave it to my son and he absolutely loved it. And he said, great, when is the next one coming out? I said, I don't know, but I'm sure I'll be kept up. And we would send Pogs in Space. Mugs, which we still use, badges, brilliant. Anyway, it went out, but it got my son into reading comics. And now he's reading like Avengers versus X-Men and all that stuff,

which is brilliant because I read comics and it's, you know, you're nice to see a bit of a, a bit of a mirror in your children. But today, I think it's 18 months later, the second comic in the series of Pogs in Space has arrived. So, wow. It's like waiting for the next Joni Mitchell album. But I'm excited about it. So, thank you.

And I'm sorry I can't find the letter if there was one. Okay. What else? Well, we have a little bit of an update from 533. Hi, Frank and team. Believe it or not, eight of the 12 standard pot noodle flavours are vegan-friendly, and the chunks of, inverted commas, meat, are actually soya.

All the best, Tom in Bury St Edmunds. I'm fine with that but why even mention meat at all if you're going to do that? You seem to me that you're selling it on a false pretense. Allegedly. Alright, alright Steve.

Legal guy still giving me the cutthroat. Apparently they're very litigious pot noodle. Are they? very litigious, pot noodle. Are they? Yeah, so let's be careful. What about if the trial drags on for a long time? I just, you know, I haven't got that many black suits.

What if I, at the end of my summing up, say I rest my case and then I put my Britney Spears pencil case down on the dock? If I'm, the public gallery would have been in stitches. People being coming forward to give evidence. Do you know, I've never had a pot noodle.

Oh, come on. Things that don't surprise me. Number 307. If Alan said that, I would have fell off my chair. But of course you haven't had a pot noodle. But it would have been a nice precursor to your tart de citron. Anyway, look, we move towards the end now, I think.

When I look back on this show, I think the thing that will give me a warm glow as i gaze into the the darkness above my bed tonight will be that i managed to come up with a gag that combined combined wagner's low and green and chicken and mushroom pot noodle you know what i mean we we don't we don't build statues of liberty and Empire State, but we have our little monuments that we think, yeah, I'm pleased with that. That was mine.

Okay. So thank you so much for listening to us. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.