The Frank Skinner Show - Scent Donation

Episode Date: December 4, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank slept at the zoo and wonders what has happened to butterscotch. The team also discuss Gary Oldman’s coffin revelation, the collective noun for flamingos and chocolate limes.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk Beautifully done. I think you're really settling into that via thing. Yes, it's a nice word, via. It gives you some places to go. I like the Wizard of Oz follow.

The Frank Skinner show. That's a lovely show. Frank, we've already had someone contacting us about you. Oh, about me? Yeah. That sounds ominous. Go on. I wouldn't say it's ominous, but it's Gracie and Nelson

just saying how dapper you looked on the evening of the Absolute gig recently. Well, Bob Monkhouse who I work with said to me that Ted Rye, another famous British comedian slightly before him had said to him, don't say anything too funny in the first

beginning of your set because the audience like to spend the first couple of minutes looking at your suit which I do not I think that is a trap from an older comic. Gracie and Nelson say some

lovely brown suede Chelsea boots. They're just offering some shoe advice. To go with what? They weren't throwing shade on your shoes but they are really because they're saying some lovely brown suede Chelsea boots, preferably designer in brackets, would have lifted the whole ensemble.

They've got me all wrong. You were wearing wellies, though, with right and left written on the wrong feet, weren't you? Yeah, exactly. Well, I think comedy from all areas is important when you go on like that. You do Jimmy Cricket homage these days. I'm happy with Suede. I mean,

one of the few places you're safe in Suede is indoors. Mm-hmm. What were the shoes you were wearing out of interest? They were,

if you're real, they were a pair of brown slip-ons from, is it Skechers they're called? Oh,

okay. You want a nice, comfortable shoe on stage, you know what I mean? You do. Yeah. I do. I don't want to be pinched when I'm on stage. Oh, no. That's happened to enough radio presenters.

Yeah. So, I'm glad people noticed. You do a night of comedy and that's the comment. Nice suit. Honestly. So, because a lot of these comics are just, you know, T-shirt and jeans comics. Yeah.

What are you wearing nowadays, Al? I've been wearing some dark jean-type trousers. Oh, you haven't gone man in a suit? Not for non-corporate gigs. Oh, OK, of course. Obviously for corporate. And I quite often favour a John Smedley Sea Island cotton polo shirt. Wow!

I didn't feel we were going to go that deep. Oh, didn't you? No. Oh, I took your question very seriously. Yeah, John Smedley never even heard of it. Can I just say I'm so proud of how our show avoids the obvious tropes that here we are, you and Alan, discussing what you're wearing. I'm actually in the market for some new John Smedley gear to wear on stage.

Oh, no, that sounds like, can you send me some free stuff? I would love that, but it's really beggy, isn't it? I'm anti it. Yeah. Don't send Al any free stuff. Don't. John, if you're listening, don't. There's a bit of talking in this as well, but I want to see if you can tell me what

this sound is. Okay. this sound is. Okay. On the right here, we have Jimmy. This is Dad. Right. They are, I don't know

the technical terms, but they're like monkey things. Are they? Yeah. They sound like car alarms, don't they? technical terms, they're like monkey things. Are they? Yeah. They sound like car alarms, don't they? I thought it was like seagulls or like dogs. They're really amazing. I didn't know what I was listening to. I should have got the technical name,

but that's the noise they make. And the reason I've recorded that is that I slept at London Zoo on Saturday night. Wow. Now, in my drinking days, I slept in all sorts of unusual places, but this was a bit more bona fide. Anyway, the Fez is on the desk, which if you're a new reader, you won't know means we have to move on to other things, but I'll be back and tell you more of it.

Let's just say Sunday morning I was woken by, not those, I was woken by flamingos. How camp is that? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So yeah. Over in the flamingo, who's? Yeah, and I have a special attachment to the flamingos because although this does happen in my road,

there's a road near us where they have pink bin bags. And when they are on the floor, they look like a gathering of... I don't know what the collective noun is for. Actually, somebody sent me. Yes. Can you pass me that letter, Sarah? Thank you very much.

About this, for a bit of... Martin... I'm having my hand a letter. Yeah, Martin Cheek, who wrote to me, and he's brought out a calendar, which tells you the collective nouns for various creatures.

You know what I mean? You know the famous one for crows, for example? Oh, yeah. Yes. So, go on, what's crows? A murder of crows. Exactly. What about otters?

Oh, a cacophony of otters. Oh, that's a good attempt, I think. A caravan. Is it a caravan of otters? It's actually a romp. No. They're my kind of animal. Yeah.

Monkeys, I think we know, don't we? Elephants. I'll do one more because... OK, come on. Foxes. It's a good one. One syllable. Oh, I don't know. A... Go on, Al. You't know a go on Al

you give it a go a screech oh so close a skulk oh lovely is it really yes so anyway

he sent me that and he's written verses to illustrate all of those things but I don't know what it is for flamingos but anyway we were

we were staying you can stay overnight at the zoo so you lie in bed and you can hear the lions um i would have said roaring but apparently that sound is a sort of you hear that and it's not roaring roaring is when they're in distress can't really imagine lions in distress but um they call it coughing weirdly do they um but you can hear it it echoes through the night you know what i mean is it quite chilling it is a bit chilling yeah i wouldn't i wouldn't want one too adjacent did i tell you i saw a very early mgm film i must have told you this before and it was a silent movie with lon chaney the man of a thousand faces

and um they had the the light you know the mgm lion but it was they have the circle you know where the lion looks through and um it was a silent movie so the lion just looks at you it's just a bit with the lion looking through a portal type thing with MGM on it and then it gets to somewhere else. No roar. Not even like you could see its mouth move

and they put grrr in a subtitle. It's just sat there. It's just looking at you. A bit like it's cut back to the studio and the people on screen don't know that it's back on yet. Exactly. Exactly that.

Like someone sitting opposite you on the bus. What are those kind of looks? Yes, very strange. Anyway, so we could hear that. We were in... There are the lodges that you sleep in. It wasn't just me. There was other people.

Oh, I love it. Old Master Skinner, Donner Lodge. We were in Donner Lodge. And they're all named after Santa's reindeer. Kebabs. Oh, right. Yeah, not after various kebabs. There's Shish Lodge.

I don't know about you, I'd be struggling a bit after that. Any other kebab offers? Yeah, just two lodges, Shish and Donner. That's it. Now, Donner is usually paired with Blitzen, if you remember, in the Santa's Reindeers. Oh, yes. So they're the names of the...

They can't be that all the year round, can they, named after the Reindeers, the lodges? Oh, probably not. They got it painted on the front, so, you know, it looks permanent. There's a waiting list to have your name on, but sadly, Santa's reindeer are immortal. I have some questions. Not sadly. I'm glad they are. Go on.

I have some questions, which will be coming up shortly. Yeah, more fairs action. About the room service facilities in the zoo. Please do. OK. I'm keen to share. Thank you. Friendship on Absolute Radio. who's in the zoo. Please do. Okay. I'm keen to share. Thank you.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I, yeah, we just had an interesting, we were just talking about the demise of butterscotch as a flavour. You know, Gator's seem to get butterscotch things. I was talking about it particularly, there used to be a thing called Ed's Diner, which was, I don't know if it still exists it's a chain of these what they call American diners and the sort of place where in a film there's like a sort of a big dangerous bloke sits at

the counter is a bit gets a bit fresh with the beautiful waitress those kind of places yeah and they did a butterscotch milkshake, which was through the ceiling. Lovely. I like it when our off-air chat can bleed into the on-air chat on the show, but so much of it is what I think the lawyers call actionable. So it's nice when it's just about butterscotch and sweets that we miss. I think for yourself. Yeah, I don't think there'll be any legal action taken about butterscotch.

There has been a suggestion from Emily Dean that it's been replaced by caramel, secretly. Frank? What about salted? What is this whole salted? I think people thought we can't have scotch anymore because it sounds too dangerous for children, but we've put salt, so it's a bit dangerous

but not quite, you know people don't end up sleeping in gutters because they have too much salt I don't know if you can use salt anymore, I think Salt Bay has the coffee right now He uses so much salt that guy doesn't he Frank we've heard from

930 a gathering of flamingos is a flamboyance. Is it really? I'm not sure I believe. I want to believe. It's a lot of flam. There's a lot of flam in it. And 436 has got in touch with, in response to the recording you played,

saying that was the sound of the lovely Jimmy and Yoda. It was Jimmy and Yoda. I know their names. I just don't know their species. Yeah. It was Jimmy and Yoda. I know their names, I just don't know their species. White-handed gibbons. If you think that's bad, Frank, try it when you're in the room with them. Yes, I have. It hurts. And he tries to go to the bathroom on you too.

I probably should clarify, it's a former keeper here. OK. Isn't that lovely? Not an intruder. No. No. Tries to go to the toilet on you two. There's no need for that. I mean, we all like different stuff.

Yeah. So anyway, we had an entire night there. And we had some dealings with my favourite animal. Do you remember my favourite animal that I got into at the zoo before and spoke about a bit too long on the show because I got slightly obsessed was the Komodo dragon. Oh, yeah. Who is the hardest animal in the animal kingdom.

Is that right? Oh, man. They're horrible. They're absolutely lethal. The only predator of the Komodo dragon is other Komodo dragons.

And when they're little, they sleep in trees. They live in the tree because it's too dangerous for a small Komodo dragon to go on the ground. And eventually when they get to a certain weight, where they fall out of the tree because they're too heavy, and then they know they're big enough to walk about.

Fabulous. Fabulous system. These are the ones whose spit kills you. If they give you a bite and you get away, the spit is poisonous, so you will die anyway and they'll track you down and eat you. Yeah, but they've got a good PR because sharks get all the flack and the KD is infinitely worse, I would say.

Yeah, and sharks aren't windfall animals like the Komodo dragon. It's just a fairly rare characteristic. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. By the way, I don't know, just as a little interruption in this, but Sarah, the producer, her mum has knitted

me a jumper. Is that right? Yes, very nice. I'll be honest, it's a little bit snog. And that's not the fault of the jump because the jumper's perfect but you know you get to an age where you don't you can't handle snug anymore because it's unforgiving speak for yourself yeah well i do speak for myself and uh so and we're hoping it can be expanded in some way or i can be uh what's the opposite of expanded shrunk

okay I was hoping there was something like distended but that sounds horrible contracted I don't know

anyway why can't you go on a rack or something well it's Christmas coming up so that jumper's not going to get any looser on me

do you know what I mean yeah but it's a lovely it's a great two weeks she knitted a whole jumper with like fancy stitches what a gift it is

guess what length the komodo dragon grows till um i was just gonna say a jumper a komodo dragon i reckon could get up around the seven feet ten feet ten feet ten feet disgusting that's that's a big. That's a big KD. So take us back to the zoo, Frank. I wouldn't want one of them dropping out of the tree on me. No. I mean, they're so scared. There's a level of scariness, which they are at the very peak.

Why don't people go and see them? They'll say, oh, I went to the Galapagos. They're in Indonesia, aren't they? Oh, I went to see the special island with the komodo dragons why well no but i'm utterly fast they are my favorite animal and the keeper there the keeper said he has to go in with it which is obviously you know and he said what you have to get to a stage where it sees you in some middle ground between foe and food. Shut up. And it has to just be bored with you.

But if you fall into foe or food, you're in enormous trouble. I'll tell you something. There's something I want to run by you, which I think might interest you in particular, Emily. What do you do when... Do you finish your scent, your perfume bottles to the absolute limit? Or is it like hand soap? You know when the tube doesn't quite reach the last dregs, do you think, oh well, I'll

chuck it? I'm very glad you asked me that question, Frank. I have changed my entire attitude towards fragrance buying. I no longer have a signature scent. That concept is becoming rather dated. Now, I have a scent library. Oh, that's a nice idea. Do you use the Dewey?

So, on a Tuesday, I'll see what takes my fancy. It might be a plant. It's gone a bit Craig David, this. I didn't see I didn't see this coming. Oh really? I'm guessing it chills on Sunday that's what I'm guessing. Yeah. It's like bibs.

So I just see because I think it's about mood and this morning I happened to be in I believe I can't quite remember but I believe it was a lovely, slightly leathery Louis Vuitton scent I put on. Oh, leathery Louis Vuitton. Is that how he's known?

All those years in Santa by, he gets them all in the end. Here comes leathery Lou. LLV. Oh, Leathery Lou, lovely. Can you imagine the fashion designers all singing that? Shh, here he comes. And then I layered it with some blossom just to soften it. So the scent library, I do a lot of layering.

Wow. I suggest you treat Scent as a library, but I'm guessing you've asked me this question because you've got some scent dilemmas of your own. Well, no. I've asked you for a very... I don't. Bad guess. You're not playing the chat show game. No, it's not the library I favour, but I've got a very interesting fact about scent, which I shall tell you after this.

Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. This is Frank Skinner on... Is it? No. No, it isn't. Sorry, I thought it was. It is.

It still is. Yeah, but I just thought... A lot of time you tell us. It's had that kind of on-the-hour thing feel to me. Oh, yeah. Awful. Can we return to the subject of the scent library, please? Ah, yes.

Oh, yeah. Frank Skinner. Well, the reason I brought up the scent thing is I just wondered what happened to the scrag ends of scent, the bots, as they call them in the cigarette world. The reason is that in the middle of the day, it was probably about 10 o'clock at night, I suppose, maybe half nine, we were wandering around the zoo in the dark,

looking at things like the spider house. And we were taken into the belly of the beast, where the food's prepared for the animals and stuff like that. But they also make things to sort of stimulate their brains. And the monk... Now, here's an interesting plural dilemma. Mongoose. Oh, yeah. Mongooses or mongoose? You see, I would be so tempted to say everything in my being wants to say mongoose. Okay. Anyway, they like scented stuff. So we were given chunks of rope.

Right. And then we were given, this box came out, which was full of bottle, perfume bottles with the little bit in the bottom. And they said, yeah, people donate their scent they're finished with. Their last drops, is it? Yeah, and then we spray them. You can try different cocktails on one piece of rope

and see which ones they go for. And I thought, where is that canvassed, the scent donation? Have you ever heard anyone say, yeah, I send my, what I do is I send my old perfume to London Zoo for the mongoose population. How do they get it? It's been kept, you remember, there used to be a thing on the telly when I was a kid is that you save the silver tops from milk bottles and you can get a guide dog for it. You never

Blue Peter ever said, and don't remember tell your mums because it would have been just mums tell your mums to keep their scents for the for the mongoose so very strange. You don't often see the fragrance donation

appeals around this time of year. No. Although, I would say it's given me pause. Very good. Because, hi, Kenneth Williams. Yeah. Because I do have a number of fragrance bottles with just a small, I know, just a little bit. Just the dregs.

I don't like dregs, Al. I don't like dregs. Oh, come on. That was all I used to hang around with in the 80s. I tell you what's interesting about your scent library. Oh, thank you. Do tell. Is that there are women of my past who I remember by the scent that they all...

Like, there was a woman I knew. Seriously? Who always wore Miss Dior. How old was she? I haven't heard anyone wear that since 1950. I remember I go back a long way. I mean she's one of the few who's still with us and not that I'm a serial killer I'm just old and I sort of like the idea that that was, you know, when there was a knock came on the door,

I knew I could feel the Miss Dior coming through the letterbox. I knew it was her. If she had a library, it would be Pot Lock. Not that I'd have been, as long as it was someone in perfume, it would have been all right. But so, yes, I think that's changed. I think, as you say, people used to have their... No, the signature scent is no more.

Because each day... You know, there was a mongoose saying that to me just Saturday night. Exactly that. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8-12-15, right? That's A.

B, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Or C, email the show via frankatabsoluteradio.co.uk. Multiple choice here on Absolute Radio. Okay. I liked it when you slightly argued with the Foo Fighters song title there. I enjoyed that. Yeah, learn to fly.

I mean, what about learning to fly? Something a bit more gentle than a command, I think. Yeah, consider learning to fly. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Maybe it just didn't scale. Check out learning to fly. We've had a missive in from Darren Cook.

Okay. Who sent us... Cookie! Oh. I bet he's called Cookie by his mates. Or Dazza. Yeah. He's... Maybe they've gone a bit clever.

Maybe they've just called him The Chef or something. Maybe they called him Washington. Chef Cook... Oh, yes. DC. Okay. Anyway, that'd be lovely, actually, Frank. Yes.

A lovely bit of wordplay if they had. Darren says, DC says, Guess what bargain my mate found in TK Maxx this week? Hashtag Lewis Chessman. Oh. A vast Lewis, Isle of Lewis chess set. Okay.

What kind of price are we talking? The DC. Three and a half grand. Close friends, I believe believe get to call him DC yes providing Frank close friends get to call him DC

providing it's with dignity okay I've got I know what I don't think I knew that lyric it sounds like

did I miss the rehearsal for this week's show yeah all by Eck it's whipping to say I thought it was I believe that no one I thought it was. I believe that no one knew what it was

and someone actually called Hanna-Barbera or Hanna-Barbera. Just going through my notes, I cannot find this bit in the script. And asked them, what are those lyrics?

And they confirmed it was providing it's with dignity. Okay. Anyway, the Lewis Chessmen, do you see, if you could let us know

the cost? Yeah. I mean, it might be the second. How much? The radio team bought me the Lewis Chessmen

chess set for my birthday one year, which was a full-sized chess set. Have you played it? You know what, I have played it? you know what Buzz had a

my son had a he had a spurt of playing chess seems to have gone a bit now he was in a chess club

at one point can you imagine that? I mean I legit love that I say I say I legit

love that I'm going to I say, I say I legit love that. I'm going to say that all the time now, I think. Alan Cochran, by the way, likes chocolate limes. We've discovered off air. Yeah. I find them... I've eaten that often, but... I'll tell you what I find.

I find them a bit... A bit crystalline. Splintery. I find they spl bit crystalline. Splintery. I find they splinter at the bite. Very tart. Do you find them tart? Yeah, but we all know there's a bit of chocolate if we just keep going. Sometimes we get a text message in that's almost like a short story in its completeness.

Get this. 542 has texted, when I was a child, I was sat on a bench at London Zoo and Kenneth Williams sat next to me. Carl in Brighouse. That's a lot. I'm glad it ends there. I like that owl.

He was charming. I sense the owl's a bit touchy about the chocolate limes. Changed the subject quite, I mean, quite a handbrake turn on the owl. When I was a child, he was charming. I sense the owl's a bit touchy about the chocolate limes. Changed the subject quite, I mean, quite a handbrake turn on the subject. I don't like this. I don't like this. The chocolate, that was off air. Some things are private. I've got a strong sense of that.

I'll get, what have I got here? The Kenneth Williams, that might get me out of this privacy hole. I don't want to be washing my chocolate limes in public. I'm sorry, Al. I brought up the chocolate limes thing. I had no idea. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Luke Balme has...

Who? Luke Balme. Okay... Who? Luke Balmé. Okay. Luke-o! Yeah, it doesn't quite work with Luke, does it? No, or Balmé. He sounds like he might be a nose in grass. A nose in grass?

What does that mean? Someone who creates a scent in the perfume region of France. Luke Balmé says, well, don't you think it might sound like a fragrance house? Balme. Yeah. Luc Balme. I believe... It would be apprehension by Balme.

I mean, it might be Luc Balmet, and that's a bit different. Anyway, I believe Komodo dragons are from the island of Komodo, or have I fallen into a cruel reader's trap? I think you're correct, although I believe the island of Komodo is in Indonesia, which I did say. I'm going to be straight. For all my sight obsession with them, I don't know where they come from. I think Komodo is an Indonesian island.

If I'm incorrect please feel free to point that out. I've focused completely on their savagery rather than their geography. You don't care where Vinnie Jones is from. Exactly.

Neither did the manager of Wales. That's a lovely football that's an old that's a very old piece of football satire I enjoyed it though

well did you notice I stuck with Vinnie Jones because I felt he wouldn't sue whereas I feel the modern ones who's in the modern savagery

yeah the sort of football hack dangerous defender. Violent footballer type? I don't know. You know the violent footballer? We used to be like Chopper Harris at Chelsea and Tommy Smith at Liverpool.

Norman, bite your legs, Hunter. I don't know if there is anyone with a nickname like... We should just explain perhaps that Norman Bite Your Legs Hunter, that wasn't a nickname, it was just nominative determinants. Exactly, like Chopper Harris was actually called Chopper Harris. Yeah, so I don't know who's in that chair now. Yeah, well, think on it. It'd be like something like Dave VAR Jackson.

Dave, Dave, three-match suspension, Barlow. It'd be like that. My favourite nickname like that was, well, there was two. There was a boxicle Carl the Truth Williams, and I think the truth is a great nickname. But Dave Harry Bassett, the Wimbledon manager. It worked so badly, Dave Harry Bassett. It just felt like someone listing their dogs or something.

But that's what he was called. That is what he was called. Oh, I love the truth. I love the truth. I wonder what old Mrs. Williams used to say. You know what? I love the truth. I think, yeah.

No, I'm not going to mention the football I was going to mention. OK, fine. One has to be so careful these days. That's very true. Well done. We've had a message in about the MGM lion that we were discussing earlier. You mooted that you had seen a silent film where the MGM lion didn't even move as if it was roaring.

No, it just looked. Yeah, it just stared. And here's the email. Just listening to the show and your comments on the silent staring MGM lion. Did you know the amount of roars from the lion was a signal about how good the film was? Three

roars meant it was excellent, two meant good and one meant it was bad. The silent stare from the lion must mean that the film you were watching was a bit of a shocker. And then there's some praise which I won't read out. Oh, yeah. What, three rows? H-75.

Er, I... Yes. That's got urban myth written all over it, hasn't it? I don't know if... I mean, surely they're not in the business of telling you that you're about to watch a shocking film. Surely they'd be more likely to hype it. I'm very relieved, Al. They just put three lines on everything.

I thought you were saying, surely they're not in the business, these people, if they believe this story. I thought you were being a bit showbiz. Well, I think, imagine a difficult actor finding out the system and then realising that he's got a silent roar on the front of it, I mean

oh god that would be a terrible conversation. I like the idea of it though, I like the theory Me too. But as you say three lions can't get much better than that So yeah Wowee

I don't make the rules What else? Are we? I don't make the rules. What else? I don't make the rules. I don't make the rules. To justify your boasting. He doesn't, to be fair. No, I don't.

It's true. I don't make them. David Colderley has got in touch with us. Are you going to do this all morning? Can I just point out that the second DC... Oh, yeah, another DC. They're all over us. What does all this mean? It's a veritable Mount Rushmore here this morning.

Nothing from Marvel. No. Oh, you have to bring it back to your weird comic things. All right. OK. David Colderley, you were talking, you were talking earlier, Frank, about the disappearance of the concept of butterscotch. Yes.

Wonderful Agatha Christie. And David Colderley says, Good morning, Frank, Emily and Al. You can get Angel Delight in butterscotch, even a healthy, sugar-free version. Wow. Now, I did not know that, that you could even still buy Angel Delight. Oh, OK.

But butter and scotch, both name-checked in the title, and yet it is healthy. Those must have been two priorities on your shopping list once. Oh, yeah, exactly. Those must have been two priorities on your shopping list once. Oh, yeah, exactly. And, of course, hairspray, just to give it that extra bit of zing. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. 3.11 has been in touch. 3.11, OK. The lion roar was, in fact, a tiger's roar. You're joking. And it was recorded after the lion had been filmed at MGM. That is... That is like...

You know when you find out in My Fair Lady that Audrey Hepburn was actually miming to the songs that she did into the singing? Even the lion. Even the lion was miming i feel the same way as that about this as i did about millie vanille exactly um i'll tell you what's an interesting how times have changed i remember there was a big scandal when it was discovered that the monkeys and this is with a double e didn't play their instruments i'm glad you clarified that i thought it might be another zoo

i thought in the context of this morning i'd clear that up yeah um and that was like oh man they don't play their instruments whereas most boy bands now never seen an instrument. Yeah. Wouldn't go near one. I mean, I have to say, Frank, I don't feel quite as outraged as you by the revelation about the MGM lion being a tiger. Well, you'd think they could get a lion that roared a bit. As I say, roaring technically is when they're distressed. There's names for different bits. Oh, look at you, the lion expert now. So three tiger roars for a good film. distressed there's names for different bits I want to look

at you the lion expert now so three tiger roars for a good film as it turns

out why didn't they just have a tiger it's not like you think

I don't think much of MGM they've gone tiger true it's an impressive

creature it's good enough as frosties yeah true maybe that was why I think a rival film company if they've had any sense about them It's an impressive creature. It's good enough as Frosties. Yeah, true. Maybe that was why.

I think a rival film company, if they've had any sense about them, would have done just that. I'd have had Julie Goodyear in a tiger top, tiger print top. She never wore lion. There's nothing to it. You don't see people wearing lion print. There is no lion print. Rubbish. Leopard print. There is no lion print. Rubbish. Leopard print.

Leopard, tiger. I've seen zebra. Yeah, no one says, I'd like this new lion print. My new lion print. What do you mean? Fur collar? Sexist, of course.

That's only the males that have that. Oh, I love it when you check yourself. I saw a lioness at the zoo that was lying lion lying by a radiator that's a fabulous sort of domestic pet thing to do obviously they'll do it in the jungle because radiators are at a premium yeah but um it's a lovely natural real thing for a thing to do. I've just realised, Frank. The Tiger King is sort of a pun on the Lion King. Yeah.

You know what? I hadn't realised that either. Oh, I'm really glad we've had an idiotic Eureka moment. Idiots. Of course. Did you know that, Al? No. Oh. Oh.

OK. Now, of course, the Tiger King. That's what it is. What's going to be next? The Cheetah King? Yeah. The Lynx King? That would be confusing if someone handed in their lynx at the zoo to be sprayed.

You know, lynx... The deodorant. Yeah. The popular deodorant. To spray on the monster. Someone says, oh, yeah, there's a Lynx in the in the in the perfume room

a Lynx tell Steve from the Lynx enclosure it'd be really that'd be very confusing speaking of

dodgy Lynx that's that one out the way Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Absolute Radio this is still Frank Skinner, by the way, on Absolute Radio, in case you're wondering.

Yes. Well, yes. So. Okay. Can I just share something with you, please? Go on. Share. As long as it's not a needle.

That's bad. No, I wouldn't do that. No. 715. Morning, gang. Frank, you just mentioned My Fair Lady. I found out yesterday that the name comes from the way Eliza pronounced Mayfair in her Cockney tongue. My Fair.

Who knew? Love and hugs. That's Greggle, one of our regulars. Hi, Gregor, in Lewisham. I did not know that. I did not know that either. I too did not know that. Even Chocolate Limes didn't know that.

Well, don't mention that. Does he still not like it? Oh, Chocolate Limes here. The Chocolate Limes theme. Why doesn't he like it, Frank? I really hope that's true, my fair lady. I think it is. I've never heard any Londoner say my fair of my fair,

but it's got that Dick Van Dyke sort of Cockney thing about it. Brilliant. What a fantastic fact. I want to use it whether it's true or not. I love that. 156 has sent us a text as well Been listening to the Komodo dragon facts If you think Komodo dragons are great

Have a look at honey badgers Fearless and indestructible They even fight and eat poisonous snakes They do have a nasty habit of attacking larger predators. I'm going to edit this because they go for what I think they call in Kung Fu Panda the tenders. So I'm just editing

a little bit because there's a word in there that I'm not sure I want to say on the radio at this time of day. Top man. I'm not sure you can say top man anymore. No. Oh, I'll keep an eye out for the honey badgers.

I'd take a Komodo against an HB any day of the week. Can we set up some sort of underworld tournament? Probably now they're called salted caramel badgers, aren't they? Yeah. Why would you want to set up a Komodo

Dragon Underworld tournament? I cannot think of anything I'd rather join less. Well, let's say if the money goes to Chiltern in need from the crowd attendance. Well, don't expect me in the front row if there's going to be KDs in the building. Well, I don't think it'd last. I think the KD

would be in and out. What, would you get a sponsor? Where would you hold this event? Well, you know, I don't know about these things. Somewhere like perhaps a grey-owned stadium. Does that still exist? You can't have Komodo Dragons in the greyhound. Maybe Cradley Heath Speedway in the West Midlands.

Who would you invite? You'd invite local toffs. That would be my first round of phone calls, local toff in my local toff directory. Who would you... You'd just say, Hi, I'm Frank Skinner. We're doing a Komodo Dragon V Honey Badgers

tournament at Cradley Hill Speedway Stadium it's all a bit hush hush I'll be straight with you but what about it

80 quid a ticket 80 quid maybe put maybe put something on there like thought it was your kind of thing yeah exactly

well I'm not emailing I'm phoning them direct that's the personal oh you can't oh yeah imagine you calling like thought it was your kind of thing yeah exactly well i'm not emailing i'm i'm following them directly that's the person oh yeah imagine you calling andrew lloyd weber saying come to my komodo dragon he's just sort of about the mic come as long as i can you know it's incognito incognito and he wears some uh uh full face balaclava thing. Oh, he's got a mask. Phantom of the Opera. Oh, he could wear that. He must have a few of them lying about.

And probably got BAFTAs and things as well. What about if he just came with a BAFTA and held it like those people at Carnival in Venice? Yeah, I think,

Andrew, what's very good is every time you stand up to the toilet, it doesn't go dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun't go... That's giving it away, mate. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is...

Frank Skinner. Yeah, Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Converse with the show on 8 12 15 follow the show on twitter and instagram at frank on the radio converse with the show via frank at absolute radio.co.uk but i think i may have come across the greatest celebrity revelation ever okay oh this isn't chocolate Limes again, is it?

This is a big build-up, is. It relates to something that happened 20 years ago. OK. I'd say it was worth the wait. OK. OK? Yeah. The story concerns Gary Oldman.

Ah, yes. Oh, do you know his sister... Does he have his sister? Does he have a sister? I believe. He does have a sister. Yeah, well, she was in a popular soap opera, can't she? She wasn't. It's a little-known fact, Emily.

It's totally forgivable that you didn't know it. Yeah, in case you don't understand what we're talking about, we have things called big moments on the show. Big Mo from EastEnders is Gary Oldman's sister. And people, whenever they told you that, would think, I bet you don't know this. It wasn't like Mayfair Lady. Yeah, they always think it's some extraordinarily sort of high-level intel.

But anyway, Gary Oldman, or as we call him, Big Mo's brother. Yeah. Gary Oldman, actually, I read a thing about Gary Oldman. It's probably the same thing this week. And it said, you know, to us as the age, and it said Gary Oldman, 63, and I thought nominative determinism. Yeah.

Oh, lovely. He almost was going to be an old man, I suppose. Yeah, I remember him first breaking into things when he was Gary Youngman. Ah, yes. Lovely. old man I suppose I remember him first breaking into things when he was Gary Youngman ah yes lovely so anyway he's played a number of roles

in his lifetime but to me he will always be Dracula ok to me I'd say

Commissioner Gordon oh yeah in Batman but he's good he's very good Gary Oldman he's good. He's very good, Gary Oldman. He is good. Oh, late review. Yeah, he did one film which I imagine he very much regrets.

What's that? He played... I think I know what you're going to say. Yes, we know what it is. I don't know what the technical term is now, but he played someone what he shouldn't have played. Yes, I believe it was in a Tarantino film. Was he?

Oh, the one I'm thinking. Oh, no, in this one he was on his knees for the whole film. Oh, I know what you mean. We'll discuss that at another juncture. Yes, not on air we were. Okay, leave that to your Komodo Dragons event. Okay. Yeah, that'll probably

be a suitable warm-up for the sort of crowd I'm going to get in. Anyway, Gary Oldman. When he played Dracula, he always... You know what? Can I make a confession?

I'm not sure I've ever seen... You do it every week. I don't think I've ever seen that film all the way. I've seen bits from it, but I don't think I've ever sat and watched Gary Oldman's Dracula. I went to see it with my father.

He said very loudly, as the credits went up, I find vampires so tiresome. Oh, right. And that was that. He must have guessed from the title that there would be some vampire themes. He was going with us because he wanted to, he thought that would make us happy.

It didn't. That's nice. But if you're going to go, you've got to commit for that. You can't at the end say that was wrong. I think there'd been a spate of vampire films. Oh, there'd been a spate. There was an interview with a vampire. It was vampires here, there and everywhere.

Yes. Anyway, in Draculia, you wore the weird lilac sunglasses, the long nails. Is it worth seeing? Should I watch it? Oh, yes. Okay. A G.O. film is always worth seeing. And it's very up your strides, Frank.

You love Vlad and things, don't you? But I scare easy. Yeah, you do. Yeah. Buy scare easy Yeah you do Yeah Cary Elwes Who played a lord

In one of the movies He has Made a revelation about Gary Oldman this week Okay Well we'll come back to that It's a Gary Oldman cliffhanger I want to say Holdman

I always want to say Holdman I'm getting mixed up with Amanda Holden. The two of them are virtually interchangeable. Was it her or Gary Oldman who starred in the West End production of Thoroughly Modern Millie? Cannot remember. Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. Can we return to the subject of Gary Oldman as Gazza! You're on the subject of Gary Oldman as... Oh, yes. You were on the verge of a revelation. About Dracula. Cary Elwes, who played, I think, the fiancé

of one of Dracula's unfortunate victims, Lucy. Right. Cary Elwes, one of my all-time... Did he have any fortunate victims? People who were just drifting through life looking for a change. I think of worse ways

to go, if I'm honest. Oh, OK. Anyway, we'll get on to that. I mean, you know, lovely castle. It's a lovely mini-break for two nights. It doesn't end well,

but come on. It's not easy to get out, if I remember the novel, though. I thought you were going to say it's not easy to clean. I was thinking that is the thing about castles. No. They are the upkeep on them. I remember the novel, no. I thought you were going to say it's not easy to clean. I was thinking that is the thing about castles. They are the upkeep on them.

I remember there used to be a theory about the Queen Mother's longevity. Was that, well, you see, she grew up in a lot of very drafty castles and that toughened her up. Yeah. I mean, I grew up in some quite drafty council houses. I didn't feel any sense of it doing me good. Yeah. Anyway, she wasn't in the film, was she?

Queen Elizabeth the Queen? No, but Carrie Elwes was. Okay. And he, you may recall, remember him from The Princess Bride. He has revealed this week that Gary Oldman, when they were filming the movie, slept in a coffin. Now, this is what they call method acting, of course. And actors believe that if you really, really lift the party,

it improves your performance. Every night, Frank. Gary slept in a coffin every night. That is, I wonder, imagine him when he brought that up. I'm going to need

a coffin in my Winnebago. Okay. Why is that? Well, I'm going to sleep in, oh,

all right. And the undertaker's turning up and saying, do you want it on a stand? You know, and he'd say, no, it might topple when i roll over yeah we don't really uh we don't really design them for

rolling over mate yeah it's gonna be awkward it's incredible that level though of of dedication i mean i would be so freaked by that. Can I let you into a little dark secret? That's what Gary Oldman said when he asked me back to his coffin. That's a trouble. I mean, if you pull on the tone and you've only got a coffin back at home. Do you think he got a double? Do you think he said, it's a little bijou back at mine yeah i mean you're

on you'd have to you'd have to be those goth girls off um was it my space i suppose my space was my space going when the film he did but then he said um do you think he used to say lid off or on oh yeah did he sleep lid off or on wow that's i'm guessing it was just... You know when you simmer and you just have the lid not quite on the saucepan? I'm guessing he slept... You've got to let a bit of air in. I mean, he's not literally Dracula. He doesn't need two...

Did he have a blankie in there? Did he have a blankie in the coffin? A what? A blankie? What's that? A blankie. Yeah, that's what I call it for Ray, sorry. I'm guessing he slept in the outfit. Oh, a what? A blankie? What's that? Oh, a blankie. Yeah, that's what I call it for Ray, sorry. I'm guessing he slept in the outfit and everything.

Oh, he did. He must have. In for a fennig, in for a font, as they say in Germany. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I set up a dark secret that I was going to reveal.

About who? Well, the truth is I forgot. I forgot what it was. If anyone knows what it was, can you text us? What were we talking about? It'll come to me. We were talking about Gary Oldman sleeping in the coffin and how he would have struggled to bring ladies back for any hanky-panky.

It wasn't a dark secret about me, though. I remember it was a dark secret about something else, but it's gone. Sounds right. The problem with secrets is it's very hard to get other people to remember them for you. It really is. Oh, I wish.

It really is. It's a real flaw in the plan, that. Well, I could always phone my parish priest. Yeah. Oh, I wish. It really is. It's a real flaw in the plan, that. Well, I could always found my parish priest. Yeah. Oh, man. So it gets worse. Apparently, they all lived together, Carrie Elwes said. You know, having a great time.

It was that on set location. Everyone having fun. Not Gary. Gary lived in a place all on his own. So he was in a coffin on his own. But wasn't it the director who insisted on this, that he should feel isolated? It was Franny Ford Coppola, yes.

Oh, OK. I do wonder how sad about that Gary actually was. Like, oh, poor Gary had to live by himself. He doesn't get to live in a house full of thespians well if I was going to sleep in a coffin I think I'd want some other company around otherwise I'd get

so freaked oh I've remembered my dark secret I used to do you can't just be that light about it I used to be a grave robber you can't just be that light about it i used to be a grave robber i've oh i've remembered my dark secret uh i remember i went this is not it but i went to uh as the scottish uh national gallery i think it was and they've got the death masks of burke and hair

um you know burke and hair the famous grave grave robbers? And the woman who was showing us around said, and of course they were caught. And I said, yeah, and they were both hanged on the same day because I was worried if they staggered it, they'd keep digging each other up. And nothing. I got nothing for it. Nothing. She just looked at me anyway um what i was remembering and you this i don't know if you would have done this there's there's a club um there's a comedy club um called jonglers in battersea and they opened up another one al i don't know if you ever would have done i can't remember what it was called but the dressing room was a freemason temple kind of thing.

So there's a lot of strange stuff in it. You know, they're a very secret society. And there was lots of trust exercise things. What's that? And one of them, well, I'll give you a part example. One of them was a really super

heavy pyramid made of marble on a chain. And then underneath it, a thing with a hand. And you had to put your hand on it and one of the other people had to wind it up. And if they let go, it would crush your hand and it was you trusting them. But what they had was a coffin with a padlock on the outside

and one of the trust exercises, which you had to get in the coffin and they put, I think they do it probably for seconds, but even so you've really got to, you've got to believe. I mean, I don't think Gary would have stood for the padlock. Well, especially what if Francis Ford Coppola locked him in it? Oh, man, just for extra things. You see, I don't buy the, oh, Gary, we think it's important for you to live on your own.

I don't believe that that was why they wanted him to live on. I think he's quite method. They were just getting a bit bored of the whole method thing. I feel for the poor runner who had to go and knock on the lid in the morning and say, two minutes, Mr Oldman. I mean, that is... What if he died in the night?

Would they have bothered to have changed him or would they have thought, well, you know, this is right. Anyway, he didn't. Thank God he didn't. I mean, it would have saved a lot of expense. It would. It would. I mean, it would have been crazy to transfer him. Anyway, what happens if a car hits a coffin? Does it have carbon monoxide bags?

Oh, Frank. No, enough now. Enough. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Can you imagine if Daniel Day-Lewis had played Dracula? Oh, goodness me. I mean, he'd have been living on the blood of young virgins, wouldn't he?

Yeah, which I'm sure the contract would have had some kind of health and safety clause about. I just, you know, it's difficult. Daniel Day-Lewis appearing on The One Show in bat form. Just hanging outside. Horrible. Well, when Gary Oldman played Churchill... Oh, for God, he played Churchill, yeah.

Apparently he smoked $30,000 worth of cigars. He developed crippling stomach pains as a result. God, they do some strange things, these. But here's my problem with these. It's always... I like with these. That's so fabulously Mancunian. I love it with these.

The method actors. It's always the big stars, and it has to be really, doesn't it? Because if you're lower league, if you're further down the cast list, then it's really, really self-indulgent, isn't it? Like, when I played broken leg patient in a sitcom where I filmed for one day, if I'd actually broken my leg and then spent, like, six months on crutches or something,

people would have been like, he's not been getting £1,000 for this, he's doing one afternoon. No, it's too much. And he's broken his own leg, isn't he? I mean, he's not been getting a thousand pounds for this he's doing one afternoon no it's too much and he's broken his own leg and now he's like I mean he's mad that guy no I agree with that

I think you do have to be you do have to be a big star by the way have you read you've read Dracula the book the originality there's a fabulous bit in it

do you remember it about King Laugh oh remind me it's a fabulous bit in it do you remember it? About King Laugh. Oh, remind me. It's a great thing for comics actually, Al, because he talks about King Laugh and he says there isn't he says it doesn't matter

where you are or what, if King Laugh turns up there's nothing you can do about it. And it's all about the fact that you laugh at stuff sometimes when you don't want to laugh. It's about a fit of the giggles kind of thing. No, it's all about the fact that you laugh at stuff sometimes when you don't want to laugh oh it's about a fit of the giggles kind of thing no it's about how laughter cuts through all the BS if you like

and it's really for a comic it's actually a great it sort of says you know he just comes when he likes he doesn't ask anyone's permission there's nothing you can do because he's the king. It's quite an unusual place to find a bit of philosophy about laughter. Dracula.

Very strange. By the way, I've had a text from my sister-in-law, which has happened before I actually named checked her, and it just said, Tori Amos playing on absolute exclamation mark. As if I didn't know. I know, but that's so lovely. Yes, excited about that.

Good old Tori. Did we have any more outside... I haven't played the Outsider World. Yeah, we've got some things. Hold it. Outside world, outside world. Oh, the outside world. We've had a number

of people getting in touch, including Captain Cumberbatch's Curious Creations, to tell us that Gary Oldman is younger than Gary Newman. We've had Joe, the steampunk medal maker in West Yorkshire, pointing that out to you,

who met you at the pilot blue heaven by the way oh goodness yeah that's a very good it's a very good spot there and um it's chronology gone crazy frank skinner frank skinner absolute radio frank can i just share some tweets we've had with you? Mm. I think the grammar was appalling there, but never mind. Can I just share with you some tweets we've had? Yeah. We've had Alex O'Connell.

Yeah. Alex! Well, no, I don't think it's that kind of party, because Alex O'Connell is the... She's the arts editor of the Times. Yes, I've heard of... So it's not really that kind of party, Al. OK?

Well, you said that. I once had a really big night on the lagers with the arts editor from the Times. That does not surprise me. OK. It does a bit. The arts editor at the Times, or as Al prefers to refer to her, Alex, has shared a link to an interview with our esteemed leader, Frank Skinner,

saying this is such a touching interview with Frank Skinner, who talks about how being a dad has changed him and a bit about his love of the romantic poets too. Great hashtag here, hashtag Wordsworth. Wow. Congratulations. Thanks Cliff. And humiliation.

Respect to Mondo. Yes, I'm going to shamelessly plug this. Me and Denise Miner we did a documentary a three part documentary about Boswell and Johnson's trip to Scotland for Sky Arts. And now we've done one about Wordsworth and Coleridge, the poets.

And it starts on Tuesday, the 7th, this Tuesday on Sky Arts, 8 o'clock. I unashamedly plug it because the more poetry in people's lives, the better. That's the way I see it. No jokes. Lovely. There's jokes in it,, the better. That's the way I see it. No jokes. Lovely. There's jokes in it, by the way. Oh, OK. Of course.

King Laugh cannot be kept out. King Laugh is what I'm going to call Al from now on. Thanks. I'll take that. We've actually had a text in from a subject, about a subject that we picked up earlier which was um uh uh what's it called the um the collective nouns oh yes we're talking about yes yes oh yeah someone has said uh 905 has texted frank skinner a group of sea cucumbers

is called a pickle that That's my favourite one. Do we think that's true? I hope so. There is something on that calendar I spoke about, which is a pickle of something. Sea cucumbers, are they like, is it like with friends like sea cucumbers who needs anemones? Yeah. Is it a creature or is it a growing thing? I thought it was a vegetable-y type

thing. I don't know. I mean, it's got cucumber in it and sea. Yeah, they sound salty, don't they? Yeah, they sound like it's going to be a big green thing on the water. Yeah. But that covers quite a lot of stuff. Yeah, including Nessie. Yeah, quite a large part of all land mass anyway let's not get into that I feel we've been curtailed early but I always that's a good sign when you feel that you don't think oh god still got half an hour to go

that's trouble. Oh is it time to go? It's time to go I'm sorry and I thank you for listening to us this morning and you know what if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week

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