The Frank Skinner Show - Seagull Bender

Episode Date: July 18, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. The team bring you another show working from home. This week Frank has been vindicated about FAD and he had an Absolute Radio themed dream. The team also discuss astrology, eating cheese at the wheel and a partially submerged rhino.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Don't text us, please, because I have to admit that we're not live. I mean, we can pretend all we like, but that is where we fall down. And you can follow us, however, on Twitter and Instagram, at Frank on the radio, or, of course, as ever, you can email us via the Absolute Radio website. Try that.

Hello. Morning. Hello, boys. How are you doing? It's nice to hear from you guys, as ever. And you. Owen and Emily remain faceless voices to me as i uh as i sit in my bedroom but we're almost there we're almost i think the studio looms and doing the show live

and again i am very excited about um now i'm the producer whose it is to um partly to sort of keep things tight on the show here we go i know i know um told me that i left um our readers on a um cliffhanger not last week but the week before um i was very tempted now as, as soon as I hear not blah, blah, but the something before I think of, did your dad ever say to you when you were a kid or your mom, not last night, but the night before two tomcats came knocking at the door? No, we had three wise monkeys.

Oh, did you? Well- No, we normally got not last night but the night before two uh alcoholic actors who haven't worked in several years came knocking at the door that was what we got frank we all had a different version of it it's um it would have worked with them because it went on um one had whiskey one had rum and one had the poker across that you can guess the rest I think I probably can say on air but I'm not taking any risks the mat I've left the manual in the studio in golden so I can't check what what what goes and what doesn't go on I imagine ready cart sale on air is doubled since you know

2020 or something well I tear we've been, my family and I have been wrapped, we've been absolutely wrapped this week listening to what I believe is called Five Words on the Absolute Radio Breakfast Show where you can win a lot of money and we as a family have been following it all week. It's been very exciting. So well done to Dave Berry and the guys for some pretty riveting radio. We'll put a stop to that.

You betcha. Oh, speaking of absolute, now I know we have a slight rule on this that we never talk about our dreams. And I know that it's reasonable because i know people talking about their dreams but i did have a dream which is absolute themed which i'll i'll keep it brief but this is not the cliffhanger but i will get to the cliffhanger but i had a dream about um jason man Oh, yeah. Lovely.

Who, as you know, presents the show on Sunday mornings. And I dreamt that I was doing a children's television show on the television, which is a good place to do a television show, as ever. And I offered Jason a slot on it to come on each week and do a sort of maths question, but in a fun way. And with a little bit of animation and I'd join in a bit and we'd have a bit of banter. But they would be learning. The kids would be learning.

What a great idea. Anyway, I was being driven to the studio in this dream and I saw a purple velvet hat in the street. In fact, exactly like a hat that I saw the snooker star Alex Hurricane Higgins wearing on the Hagley Road in Birmingham in what's probably the 80s. So I arrived at the studio, something I haven't said for a long time, and there was Jason Manford all ready for his maths feature. And I said, you know that purple hat that we use on the show?

I've just seen it lying about in the road. And he'd got his car with him. I said, would you get it? And he was fine with it, so I gave it. It seemed to be. That's nice of him. I said, it's just drive out of here and it's that road on the left. And he said, which one? I said, you know, the one on the left there. And he said, which one? And in a, I wrote this down, which is why I have it verbatim. I feel slightly bad about it, but I'm going to tell you what I said I said um maybe the words

are too complex for you try just tuning into the intonation um and of course you he was affronted at this as he should have been I would never talk to the real Jason uh Manford like that or any uh absolute radio presenter and um it was um he walked, he actually walked from the show. He didn't get the hat. He, you know, I had to do the, oh, I don't know what happened to the maths thing. I'm not going to pretend we continued. But there was, it was obviously very difficult.

And I feel I should have, even though it was all in my sleeping head, I feel, I'm sorry, Jason, if you're listening. Maybe we can patch it up and get the show back on the road. Anyway, I look forward to our more analytical readers working out exactly what that dream meant. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. As I mentioned earlier, my producer pointed out that I left,

I think, both of our listeners on a cliffhanger two weeks ago. We've been doing this show pre-recorded because of the global pandemic. I've been told for 17 shows. I've told that by the producer today. In fact, she said 17. That's how many pre-records we've done. 17. And the assistant producer, Faye, said, are you joking?

And I did point out that that would be such a rubbish joke to just change the number of pre-records. It's really 71. There's not much whimsy in it. You know, I don't know what genre of comedy would that be? Anyway, yeah, yeah, a very mild prank. So one thing I've been talking about is that we haven't had a table in the house. My partner sold... Speak for yourself. Well, I am speaking for myself and my family.

My partner sold the table we had before, saying that it reminded... Angela's Ash is your place. You have to sell the table. It reminded her of a coffin. So she sold it for much less than it was worth, can I say. She's been very against coffins since COVID, hasn't she? Indeed, yeah. But anyway, we got one.

We've had one delivered. And I think it was amongst the first outsiders to actually come indoors at her place at our place so i was a bit at her place did the table arrive because can i say i went around last weekend and we ate cake on the ground on a towel it was lovely but it was a towel no but that's because you're in the garden we're still putting guests in the garden when weather permits so these two I'm gonna call them workmen it's the old traditional term and they arrived and also be act they didn't have masks or gloves or anything and I know I remember thinking you could kill me and my family but you know I think that about I think

that about every stranger I always have you think that about every friend yeah you know many I think we've all got the potential anyway they brought the table and they assembled it and I gave them £20 as a tip per person? no between them just asking no pressure and I actually said I just like I became my dad

for about 10 seconds have a drink I said have a drink and I'm not a great tipper. I'm not a man who can tip and then just forget about it. Yeah, so I tip and then it nags at me about what I could have got with that tip. And would it have mattered if I'd offended two strangers?

And I was thinking I could have got a book and 20 quid. And I was thinking I could have got a book and it's 20 quid. I mean, I will often not buy a book I want because it goes over, if it's a paperback and it goes over 10 quid, I won't get it. I think it's... You're joking. Yeah, 9.99 is my limit for it, unless it's a massive thing. Oh. I think published author Emily Dean is outraged.

Oh, and published author Frank Skinner. I mean, the thing is, I've got to say, Frank, with that £20, though, did you genuinely, I understand it's difficult because you've given, when you give the tip at the end of the job, you get none of the benefit, do you? Because they're not going to be nice to you, they've got

no incentive. No, exactly. I think it was just a flourish, really, really and you know in front of my child and stuff i thought you know i'll suggest that i'm lord good old-fashioned showing off yeah which i'm i'm not that's not me it's not who i am i am it was 20 pounds al can we just put this in perspective i'm bitterly resentful about tipping though i I always feel like I have been stolen from. I mean I admire your honesty. I do. I really I hate tipping. I was in

Japan where they don't tip and I thought I could live here. Friendship on Absolute Radio So anyway, I was saying earlier we now have a table to eat off in the house rather than eating off our laps. I find it's freed up my elbows considerably.

You were talking about tipping, Frank. How do you respond, this question to both members of the panel, how do you react? You know, when you go into a hotel room,'ll say you do and you know they'll they'll show you around the facilities and the amenities especially in america we all know what that means don't we they wait with intent and when you don't have any dollars on you or any cash or whatever i often do that oh i've got no money but i promise i will give you the money before the end of the trip and there are times I'm not going to lie when I've thought I'm not going to do that I've done it maybe once do you think they're

do you think they forget or are they sitting there no they never I think you probably have to I think room service must be, what, 30% saliva. In those situations. I hate that. Like, I make a real thing of, I'll carry the bag. No, it's all right, I can manage the bag. No, no, no, sir, we'll take it. No, no, I'm fine, I can carry a bag.

I'm fine with it. Because I don't want you to come to my room and then want, like, whatever it is, a fiver for showing me how to open the curtains. Fiver? Charge me more that's what I would say just charge me more and I won't even have to think about it but the whole tension I can feel in my stomach now just talking about it the tension of tipping I really would I think if there was a government that put in their manifesto they would stop tipping in this country, I would vote for them every time.

Yeah, they sound nice, that government. Yeah, but like I said, it's almost pain. It doesn't sound like government overreach at all, does it? You see, I like the... My hairdresser at George Northwood has a system where you have the discreet brown envelope. It's very classy. And I just get the three envelopes at the end.

One for the person who's washed my hair. One for the colourist. One for the cutter. Three brown envelopes. They all get a little something. That's Brian Clough territory. I was going to say, there's football managers that think that's a bit much. Wow.

Are they named? Do they have their names on the envelopes? Yeah. Do they have Christmas every day working there? I write a little note. I say to whoever happens to be. But do you have to do all this in the shop? Yeah, in the salon.

So they all sit around and watch their envelopes. Is it like when somebody's birthday at the radio show and you have to write in a card? It's worse than that. You've got to put money in the envelope. Awful. Yeah. Sometimes I might say, dear, you know, Gervais or whatever, thank you so much. Lovely work.

Gervais. Emily. And then I'll do two kisses. Not such a good job. One kiss. You know. Ah. OK. See, this is the other thing. It's not a good job, one kiss, you know. See, this is the other thing.

It's not based on merit, is it, tipping? No, it's obligation. It's a convention. If someone's rubbish, I have not tipped rubbish waiters and they're just as angry as when I don't tip really good, helpful ones. I'll tell you what, it's perplexing to me, based on you two confessing these, that I'm the one on this show with the stingy reputation. How did this happen?

I think it was your turn. Have you heard of tipping? Yeah. He thinks we're talking about fly tipping, Frank. I feel bad. This didn't come with a glossary. I've read about it in American novels, that's it. Well, I think that Reservoir Dogs opens with this very debate, doesn't it,

about tipping, if I remember right. That's why Alan can't ever see that. That's a horror film to him. It's a bit more overwritten than this. There's a bit of murder in it. But, yeah, I really wish it would go. I think it's one of the worst things in in modern society wow frank skinner on absolute radio

we've still been um debating tipping there between ourselves it's uh we've said and brought it up of course i gotta be honest and i don't expect you to give us this information, but I would love to know what goes in the envelopes. Do they all get the same, at least? Would you tell us that? Yeah, I have absolute parity across the board because I believe... You must take a lot of coins with you.

Yeah, I'd be worried that what I put in would tear, that the weight of it would tear. Imagine putting coins in. I mean, I think they'd throw it in the bin. You can't do that. Oh, my God, I know. They get a hefty sum, these people. Do they?

It's even trickier at the lap dancing. Oh, Frank. That's why Alan was barred from all the clubs. That's why in Birmingham a lot of them wear a satchel as well as the thong. Carry on. Yeah. So I just think it's a nice discreet way of doing it. You know, they know I care.

And I know they're going to be happy. And it's also a nice way, you know, if, no. If I'm not happy, no envelope. But really, no, I know I am consistent with the envelope. You've got to be. Let's be honest. Yes. That's what I don't like about it. It's the social pressure element.

It's not about thinking that my hair looks fantastic. I want an extra reward for these guys. It's about if I don't do this there's going to be an area so that's when that it moves into an area that one would describe as mugging yeah although in fairness when is my hair not look fantastic i appreciate that's an arrogant thing to say but you know i'm very happy with the service provided 12 15 no doubt we're not live it would be great texting under normal please don't please have a load of pictures like a zoom screen pictures of you in various okay i'll add a caveat walking out of the salon okay for that brief hour anyway i think at least

in that sense i'm paying for a service i'm genuinely happy with after the event. What I object to is tipping before the hotel stay, for example. What if I hate it? You see? Good point. Thank you. And also, you know, when I'm so old, I can't carry my bag up to my room. Then maybe I'll think about it. Yeah.

Or cease travelling. There's a national obesity crisis we should be carrying what we can in my opinion um anyway the table has arrived uh for about a cath even said uh today you know i hate this table she's still having a very difficult yeah i uh i thought it was for three days it was definitely going back that was how big is the table are we allowed to pick i think it's bigger than the coffin that we got rid of and that was got rid of because it was too big it's a big it's a big unit the table i think it's a bit um the wife the thief the lover and the cook or whatever it was called that film you know that

table in that the Supper type table it's a bit like that I think the Last Supper is a better reference I didn't get the other one It's a Peter Greenaway film and Ellen Mirren I mean the Last Supper is still a bigger reference point

It is, I was trying to keep it secular for you Al You'd like that it's it's good an interior's nod frank i do notice you do have um an empty alcove oh no i always sit like this immediately behind the table i suggested kath inserted some logs in there, some stubby logs. What do you think? I like to keep an alcove free at the side of the table in case we have a centaur come round for dinner. Otherwise, it's a bit awkward.

They have to sort of go side saddle and it's not in their nature. Like when people are playing pool with a cue that's too long. Yeah, it's awful for them. I hate to see a centaur all cramped. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. As you know, we are entering

what I believe is known as the new normal. And I went to Whipsnade Zoo on Thursday. Did you? With Buzz, my child, yeah. It was great. It was very normal. Oh, was it? Yeah.

One of the animals in face masks or anything. Yeah, they're two metres apart. The animals are, they hadn't noticed. But it was just generally, they have a sign saying, try and keep one lion apart. Oh. I don't know how long a lion is but you know you can picture a lion. But I didn't get too fretful. Actually there was a terrible moment when we got too close to a family. Well I didn't think we were too close. I think they hadn't kept up to date with the

current guidelines they were still operating on when you say a family you don't mean a pride as in the lions you know a real fan a human i mean you know bloat woman child um older woman i don't i don't know quite what the relations were but um anyway the woman um said to buzz something like get out of the way get Get out, get away. And then she said, I just don't understand it when people don't observe social distancing. And normally I would have taken this as a cue for some heavy sarcasm that would leave all of them wounded. Good. But I don't know.

I think I'd looked at so many animals and just stared at their behaviour that I just looked at this family. I just stood and looked at them. Not in a confrontational way, just like one would look at a marmoset making its way along a ledge. You were more like an anthropologist. Yes. Just staring at this human family yeah but then when i walked away

and i i think boss was a bit surprising he said i don't think that woman should have you know told me off and i said oh no actually i should have had a i should have had a go and then i went to go back and he said oh no don't don't go back and and then it nagged at me you know what i mean oh god it nagged at me that i should have it was a house it made me think of i don't know if you remember the queue jumping incident in um james dean's rebel without a cause ah but he's with his dad when he's a teenager and this roughneck just walks in front of him in the queue and turns around and slightly confronts his dad and his dad says oh no no it's fine it's fine and James Dean can never ever respect him again and I feel I might have I might have gone there right

which was what do you think I think that you were teaching him restraint and the art of Zen if I did it was accidental though yeah it was some I do I did say though I saw I don't know if you've ever seen a partially submerged Rhino it's one of the best things it was it was in like a mod bath thing with water in the ground but it didn't look like it was bathing it looked like it had um in inverted commas lost control of the vehicle and it looked like it just it you know to come off the road on a bend and its face, I took a photo, which I'll put up on social media, its face seemed to be saying, sorry, I'm going to need a hand to get out of here. It looked really sort of, this is a problem. And it was such a, I thought, that's why zoos, I know some people are anti-zoos,

but they've never seen a partially submerged rhino. I think that would change everything. Anyway, I'll put the picture up, and I think you'll see the glory of it. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. So this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Deanily dean and alan cochran and please don't text us today because i have to confess we are not live um however you can still contact us

on twitter and instagram at frank on the radio or you can email us via the absolute radio website so there's still hope thank you for telling us about your rhino experience. Yes, how fabulous. Partially submerged rhino experience at Whipsnade Zoo. I think it's been some years since I went to Whipsnade. What sort of animals are we talking? Is the simian community represented? There is, certainly there's a chimpanzee enclosure. You see, that's my favourite. How were they?

Did they deliver? To be honest, I only saw one and he was, he wasn't, you know, sometimes you can get the chimpanzees on a show day when they're really giving it everything for the crowd. Yeah. And I think lockdown might have... Well, they're like comics, aren't they? They've not had any gigs for a while. Yeah, they've took their eye off the...

Perhaps their introvert side is playing them up more now that they're locked down. Yeah, well, it is. They definitely, I mean, you know, they'll get back into it, I dare say. Do you think? is playing them up more now that they're locked down yeah well it is that they definitely i mean you know they'll get back into it i dare say but i did they were a bit rusty the chimpanzees yeah you know what if there's one thing i hate it's an introspective chimpanzee that's not the point get on with your job i think yeah i felt um he was just slightly, he was emailing it in, as they say. Is that what they say?

Yeah. Do they say that? Have I made that up? Yeah, phoning it in, but emailing it in. Phoning it in, yeah, exactly. I don't think they could use a phone. I've noticed that Attenborough says... They don't have an alternating thumb.

Sorry, carry on. Attenborough says orang-utan. Oh, yeah. What is that? I love it when he says that. He talks about the orang-oo-tan. Well, he's probably heard it said, like, you know, by people who live locally to that, and he's respected their pronunciation.

Fair play. Oh, he's wonderful. He wouldn't have done it in the old days. He didn't care. Then he went in, he just took animals back sold them to zeus i don't know if you've what he was always collecting animals for zoos on the early shows yeah of course he doesn't want to talk about that now no no the uh the dark years so they were there i mean there's elephants at Whipsnade.

That's one of the highlights. I like an elephant. Are there? But I love the rhino. For me, it's the king of the beasts. I know that's controversial. I was thinking, it's a joke from the 1970s. I was thinking if a rhino got injured,

would you need a surgeon or a panel beater? And I think the problem with it is people don't know what a panel beater is anymore. I know what a panel beater is, but I don't... Is there a car called a rhino? They look like they're covered in some sort of sheeting rather than flesh. I thought it was based on a make of an old car called a rhino. Oh, no, see you. I wouldn't go that far for a rhino joke.

I feel quite stiff with stress. OK, I want to move it on to, it's animal based, sort of. Well, I mean, it's a gossamer thin link. But you remember you talked about Flying Ant Day. Yes, I was shot down in flames on the Graham Norton show. And I'm going to name names. Norton himself. And then James McAvoy, Marianne Cotillard.

And a bloke who... Fassbender. Yeah, Fassbender, thanks. You all remember his name. Oh, I prefer the bloke who... Fassbender. Yeah, Fassbender, thanks. You all remember his name. Ow, I prefer the bloke who... Well, I was going to say the bloke who whose name Owl remembers

because I remember. Fassbender, yeah, Michael Fassbender. And they all just looked at me like, what are you talking about? Flying Ant Day? No one's ever heard of such a thing. It was awful. Why? Why do you bring it up?

Oh, I'm sorry. Well, I was going to say justice has been done, Frank. What, they've all died in an automobile accident? Flying Ant Day officially happened last week. Oh, yes. It was all over the news. There were news reports. Can I say, Garroway and Shepherd, they didn't do a Norton and Cotillard. They were acknowledging it properly, but the readers are in full support of you. I'll just give you a taster. Laura Rich, 21. The day has finally come. Not just a figment of Frank's imagination.

Shame on you, Graham Norton. Yeah, exactly. Unforgivable. Well, he was on the radio at the weekend. Do you think he mentioned it? Yeah, no doubt. That's probably pre-recorded in February. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So we were once again discussing Flying Ant Day. It was more apposite this year because Emily was actually visiting me and we sat in the garden as people do nowadays when they have visitors and it suddenly became apparent that it was FAD. Wow. It was great to witness it together I thought that was very special. It was a really special moment. We had a lot of messages. Jade on Twitter said flying ant day vindication it's real we're not crazy I promise you were gaslit pure and simple. Finally some of that fashionable victimhood for frank yeah that's what they were trying to do they were trying to make me think i was out of my mind yeah and then we've had also um alex at dead ghost night happy to see flying ant day trending

justice for frank on the radio to hell with those who doubted him hashtag Graham Norton hashtag doubters can I say do you think it happens soo-la-conte no is that why Marian courtyard didn't know about it like it's an English phenomenon or something yeah maybe maybe it's it's a English British. And they don't have it in France. Maybe. I imagine that they don't like the garlic. Oh, yeah. It doesn't go with the formic acid.

That is a cocktail that's leading to disaster, in my opinion. Do you know what it is, Frank? I think the cigarettes. Because they're still a... They like a cigarette the French don't they? Ooh, they love a galois. The 1950s notion of French people we have. Well, really my whole knowledge of France is based on my love of Serge Gainsbourg who is always in a sort of spiral of cigarette smoke

in the days when it was cool rather than dangerous. My main memory of France when I went there years ago is it's more dog dirt than in the UK. You know, you'd like the cook, the wife, the thief and his lover. The cook, the thief, his wife and his lover. There's a whole dog dirt scene in that which is tremendous

I was just enjoying Emily subtly correcting the title of the film I was just thinking the dog dirt scene is the definition of specialist interest if you liked this, you'll like this I wonder what Amazon people who like this scene also liked

i thought we agreed not to talk about that on air no exactly al did you see we'd also heard from you know what they'd like they'd like that john waters film with divine oh yeah she's taking the dog for a walk anyway this isn't it's breakfast radio, for goodness sake. Yeah, it sounds gross. We heard as well, Al, didn't we, from Neil Hike Golf Repeat got in touch. Is he one of the Berkshire Golf Repeats? It's a bit more mellow than Eat, Sleep, Rave, Repeat,

which is now what's going to be in my head for the rest of the day. I've never heard that before. It's like a Manchester thing. Sleep, brave, repeat. It's like that. Do you want to know what Golf Repeat says? Yeah. He says, hi everyone.

Last Sunday, my wife and I were setting up shop for a relaxing day in the garden. Unusually, the skies above us had thousands of seagulls gliding around. As we laid down on our lounges flying ant day began swarms erupted out of our raised beds in biblical proportions my wife's pathological hatred of ants was subsided with multiple kettle pours at the source so hoping fast bender mackaboy and norton succumb to also apparently seagulls get intoxicated when consuming vast amounts of flying ants. So not only is it Flying Ant Day, it's Seagull Bender Day. Wow. Seagull Bender, I think, was the lead guitarist in Mott the Hoople.

I remember right. We were discussing Flying Ant Day and other outside world activities. What else has been pouring in through our letterbox? Well, I think last week you referenced pubs that said no burberry as being one of your favourite barred items. Yeah, we were talking about what you see that they're not allowed. I suppose it's from the same school as school being the opposite term. When only two school children are allowed in shop at once, you know that one? Yes.

But I love the, no Burberry I always loved. It was based on a singer's experience of not being allowed into a restaurant. I don't remember her name. Glyn. Jess Glyn. Jess Glyn, yes. That's right.

Yeah, and I asked if anyone had seen any good exclusion signs. We've had various, actually. One of my favorites Martin Healy who says in big market Newcastle 1986 he saw knee visible tattoos you see I like I very much like the terminology the Geordie terminology for a start-up I've always there used to be a chant when Peter Reed was the manager of Sunderland and then if you remember Peter Reed but he was a man who had quite prominent yet crop tear and quite prominent ears and the chant used to be peter reed he's got a monkey's heed and i also once said do you know that um that song i am the music man what will you play me

that yes and you say i will play the saxophone saxophone and then you sort of do the saxophone yeah with me I once played that with a woman from Newcastle and she said I will play the the mouth organ the mouth organ the mouth organ and then she simulated playing the mouth organ by going Sookie sookie sookie blah sookie blah sookie blah sookie sookie blah which as music goes is definitely in the same Venn diagram as You shall have a fishy on a little dishy and of course keep your feet still Geordie hinny Anyway, that's that Northeast section of the show. Pray and continue. That is a good one though. I like that. We've also had a Gregory Mason has sent us an extraordinary photograph from a bar in Barrow Creek Australia. It's a fairly, I think it would be fair to

describe it as quite an amateur sign. It's a sort of torn off piece of paper. At the top in red letters, it says no. On the second deck, it says again, no. And then it says children only with adults. And then again, it says no with an exclamation mark. Wow. So there you go. That is, I thought, I just was hoping you were going to say no boomerangs.

And I love the idea of the manager throwing out someone who'd broken the rule and shouting and don't come back. Any more? Yeah. There's several. Elizabeth Thornton, Al, I liked her. No polka dots or red lipstick, please. Bar has since shut down. Why would, why that?

Why no polka dots? Emily, you need to help us with this. I'm telling you what I think, and I don't know, but I wonder if it might be a throwback to an earlier time when that was suggestive of a more transactional relationship with a lady. Do you see? I don't know. that was suggestive of a more transactional relationship with a lady. Oh, really? Do you see? I don't know.

I wasn't aware of that. I like that. I keep getting propositioned when I wear polka dots. Yeah. That's why I have to have that Dalmatian put down. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

We're, I believe we're still in the outside world section of our show. We are. We're discussing Das ist verboten signs on cars. Nicholas Ward, who sounds like a 70s actor anyway he has pointed out that the miners club in Burnley in 2002 had a sign saying no women beyond this point Nicholas I said hashtag progressive I mean depends on the point if it was on the gentleman's toilet door yeah yeah even that now of course you'd be in massive trouble no longer relevant and the whole i think you'll find that the gender turns out to be a bourgeois construct so um that sign just wouldn't work in any in any way around yeah okay what else

Yeah. Okay. What else? You're getting hot in here. Alan. It's been enjoyable broadcasting while I'm lasted. I hate to tell you this, but we've actually had a message that begins, I agree with Alan. So obviously I'm going to read it. Dan Armstrong has said, I agree with Alan. Always have apples by my side on long journeys. I find the sleepiness moments more pronounced as I get older.

I remember someone saying there was something in the apple skins that was the specific stimulant. Praise redacted, Dan in Chichester. There you go. I mooted last week that apples with a lorry driver's friend that it wakes you up a little bit if you eat apples so it's quite handy to have them yeah i i mean the other i'll tell you what gets me about this is one thing that i like less and less as i get older is sticky hands oh it really if i've got sticky hands for me, I might as well be handcuffed. I can't pick anything up, I don't want to touch anything.

Well we know you like a bit of that. Yeah, but I'm, but I don't like sticky hands. Even at the end of the evening. Oh sure. And, and that, when I think of eating an apple at the wheel, that's all I can think of is afterwards, your hands a bit on the wheel. Can I tell you what I think, Frank? I don't like a loitering core. No.

And it starts off nice and round. I remember Chris Evans saying that to me in the 90s when the two of the sisters were still there at the end of the show. Very fine joke. It starts off all round. You know, it starts off, you can do your cricket fantasies, all sorts. It feels solid. Then as it reduces, you're stuck with this useless call.

What do you do yeah there are people and i've always found this radical indeed there are people of course that eat the whole they don't eat the store but they eat the lot they eat the call it not just the pips it's not so much the pips that worry me in the core it's that sort of plastic paneling on an apple core that um i believe it houses the pips what is that plastic what is that substance that that is the apple is such a friendly juicy thing and then suddenly it's like the package and packing is on the inside of an apple. And that's why I could never eat the core. I think I would rather have that, the sort of, you know, the sort of very black sort of vegetation that's the opposite end of the stalk. I'd rather eat that than the plastic panelling.

Oh, no. Yeah, but that's what, it's not as bad as a nectarine hair. Oh. Oh, I love that. Yeah. Which isn't as good as pork scratching hair, but still. No, that's too sturdy. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

So I must say the readers have been in top form this week with their correspondence. Come on, let's have a bit more, just a bit. Come on. Before we do move on from the apples on the passenger seats, your sticky fingers repulsion that you were expressing earlier just reminded me of the last um edinburgh festival i did which was august 2019 i uh you know you you leave and you have to empty your fridge and put everything in the bin i hadn't eaten everything but i was driving home so i just emptied my fridge into a bag and took it with me but I did have a packet of um you know the Santa Gare blue cheese that oh yes delicious do you keep in the glove compartment do you keep

one of those knives that curves around into a fork at the end for cheese? You know the ones I mean? Well, I wish I had because I set off thinking, oh, I'll just dip crackers into that cheese because it'll probably be quite runny. And so I had that on the passenger seat and then the biscuits kept breaking and so as I was driving from Edinburgh to Manchester I was just putting one hand into the Santa Gare and sort of clawing blue cheese into my face as I drove back. That is fantastic. That's how I imagine Keith Floyd travelled all the time. Maybe with a bottle of champagne in the door flap. But you're all right with that. And then just handfuls of blue cheese.

I would say as well, Al, that's certainly one good way to deter people from asking for a lift. Yes. I mean, who's going to get in the car with old blue cheese Cochran? But wasn't the steering wheel all sort of cheesy when you arrived? I just licked it at every rest stop. You could do that, couldn't you? If you made it your business to hold on to the steering wheel on the top,

you could just lean forward and stop the steering wheel for the last 10 minutes once the cheese was over. Why not? Does this Santorga,, no, it doesn't. What I like about some of these cheeses, they tend to have... They have almost like a slight sort of boxy feel, don't they? They have presentation boxes with the gingham,

the gingham underskirt, and I love that touch. Have you ever had a deep-fried camembert? Oh, yeah, I've had one of those. Yeah, I've had one. They tend to have them not in posse restaurants Have you ever had a deep fried camembert? Oh yeah. I don't think I have. They tend to have them not in posse restaurants and not in cheap restaurants, but in that lovely mid, Brown's, that lovely mid thing. And it comes in like a tiny crate. It's delivered to the table in a crate and then you open it and it's been cooked and it's all melty and stuff it's only about eight million calories but it's oh just I'm thinking about it now they'd nestle nicely next to the gear stick Al in the car and also if you

ordered one at home it means you means you could use the crate for something else. Oh, yeah, upcycling. Maybe. Yeah, maybe those, you know, those metal meditation balls that they use in the East, hold in one hand and they slightly clank together. I think there's something else, actually, but let's move on from that. I think you've got the use of those wrong, those balls. No, I'm sure it's a mystical thing.

It's not like all mine. I can just see them sitting on folded velvet in a camembert crate. Another opening line written. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran Please don't text us today because we're not live but you can still follow us on Instagram and Twitter

at Frank on the Radio or you can email us via the Absolute Radio website The news, that's what we usually talk about at this stage isn't it yes avoid in all horribleness we can boys the heart news though we are news mmm I heart news a lot less than I used to I maybe could spare a left ventricle that's about it i would like to discuss there was a bit of drama in the astrology community this week this this for me is a good story well in case people don't know what we're talking about they were the astrologers i mean they were getting their planet motif waistcoats all up in a lather this week because this story was doing the rounds

that NASA had unveiled the 13th star sign yeah of the Ucos is that how you pronounce it off a you guys let's stick with that less the safest the serpent bearer he holds a serpent and yes chaos ensued didn't it yeah people were up in arms i saw denise welch on loose women and i'll tell you what she said she said i am a gemini nasa can do one did she wow she did i mean that's such a gemini thing to say well nasa can do too would be a gemini thing to say it was a bit weird that nasa were getting involved wasn't it it shows that nasa have a lot less to do now than they did in the 70s you know what used to be about putting men on the moon and stuff like that it's mainly about uh t-shirts now i think that's yeah it felt like

finding out that the lancet took a position on dr strange love or dr spock or dr evil yeah nasa they kept saying and they've they keep saying look we don't we don't actually believe in astrology we just you know that we're just saying that the truth is that when the Babylonians worked this out 3,000 years ago, there was another constellation and then they decided to ignore it because it didn't work well on their grid or something. And if we're going to be absolutely straight, this is what the sign should be.

And then everyone's... I personally, by NASA's theory, went from Aquarius to Capricorn. Me too. Immediately. Did you? Well, I am now a Gemini. Okay.

You and Denise Welsh. Oh, no, because she's probably something else now. Yeah. I looked up, because I've always quite liked being an Aquarius, because if you look up the traits, it says things like very creative, an individual, and all that, you know. Oh, so does mine. Funny, that. Yeah, and then I looked at Capricorn.

So does yours, Al. Yeah. I think I looked at the wrong one. The one I looked up for Capricorn says you get sexier as you get older and I thought that's not that's not the kind of astrology I want I want it to look a bit more mystical and sounding like

it has come from someone I want it from someone who sounds like they live in a hollowed out tree I don't want you know Merlin, I want a bit of Merlin I'm really enjoying merlin actually but oh it's great it's anyway um the the babylonians so am i right in assuming that the babylonians essentially knew it was 13 yes regarded that as an inconvenient truth TMI essentially they just thought it doesn't

work with what we want to do yeah yes I think that the the problem was that the chatterbox that we talked about last week which I think was the system of prediction the Babylonians use this is the thing that you hold like a pipe of flour and kids have to pick the color and then the number. I think it doesn't fold into 13. It cannot be done. And so they just don't offer you cuss. Yeah. But which is, you know, I was very interested to read it I must say it is incredible that they sort of pulled a fast one it's

going to throw the newspaper world into turmoil they're all going to be exactly one paragraph longer forever now well I know I've got a I know a guy who's an astronomer stop name dropping sorry not an astronomer an astrologer is he retraining?

Well, he's got a, you know, he's got a cloak. He actually owns a cloak. He sounds like a good one. Yeah, he's got a pig of a reboot now, if this fits in, because he's had all these, you know, he's got books and stuff like that. And of them they all need a massive you can't just sit there crossing out in biro and if he gets it wrong he'll fail his uh offstead inspection for it wouldn't be called offstead it'd be called something like off wand frank skinner on Absolute Radio. So we were talking about the fact that NASA accidentally, I think, really, because they're not very interested in astrology, they have rewritten the zodiac signs this week.

Yeah. I guess the one thing that NASA and people who believe in astrology have in common is they both tend to wear a lot of badges. And satin, because they like a satin bomber jacket, the NASA's. Maybe I'm being a bit harsh on astrology. I don't know. I mean, does this mean that the star chart, the detailed star chart that Russell Grant did for me 15 years ago, is now worthless? Yeah, I think so. I think he did all that thinking that you're an Aquarius and now it turns out you're a Capricorn. So you need to move everything along to the left.

I've got a lot of blue tack to recycle if that's coming down. Well it's difficult for me because my mum once famously said to one of my brothers that one of the reasons that she likes potatoes is that she's a Capricorn and she's been she's been mocked and derided for that for many years but now was she serious or was she being I think she was kind of serious and now I'm it turns out I'm a closet Capricorn and my potato consumption has really ramped up since Wednesday when I read this article so I don't know what to do. She's probably having protein shakes now. Well, some people pick partners on the basis of these star signs.

They take it very seriously, some people. That must be difficult if you think you've married an Aquarian and it turns out they're a Capricorn. Yeah, if you've done it. Because there's quite a few sort of people who, you know, like John Lennon made a lot of these big life decisions based on astrology yeah there's people who take you know there's not everyone who takes it seriously is is you know very eccentric there's some Ted Hughes I think the poet believed in it and Hitler of course is that true well that's

that's selling it quite so much. No, I'm not saying that. It didn't work out for him. But he had a team, I believe, of astrologers. And the days that he went invaded and the sort of stuff he did, he would choose the date of the invasion or the battle based on the advice of his astrologers. Really? Really.

Yeah. Ah. Every day's a school day. Oh, yes, that's important. Hitler workshop here on Absolute Radio. Another next week with more less relevant information about Hitler, although interesting. They had a list of off-Ukans. So people who star sign has moved over and they're in fact off-Ukans.

Oh, yeah. One was Susanna Reid and Mystic Meg said of her, she's typical. She often manages to bring people together despite their opposing views. And another off-Eucan is Arge. She described, she said, he's a true off-Eucas in the sense of his flamboyance and love of the arts. Quentin Crisp, having made several appearances on stage over the years, as well as his often hilarious appearances on TOWIE. Discuss boys. Hmm.

I think she's got Ard mixed up with Brian Sewell, the art critic, which is easily done. But it's interesting that she can talk about typical offusions as if, you know, did she have this stuff? She obviously saw this coming, Mr. Beck, which you have to respect her for. This is a great, great advert for her art. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

And we were discussing the there's a new star sign in town and uh it's quite exciting um i'm i'm not it myself but i have changed from aquarius to capricorn as a result of every everyone having to barge up yeah we've all changed here and i'm a gemini no longer a Cancerian. Alan? Yeah, I'm the same as Frank. I've moved from Aquarius into Capricorn. Me, you and Holly Willoughby. Peas in a pod, aren't we? Yeah.

Can I ask you something about Mystic Meg? Sure. Real name, Margaret Ann Lake. You know she used to be on the show... Margaret Ann Lake. She really should have been killed by somebody in the 50s she's really got that name of someone who would have been killed by quite a high profile murderer guy, the bloke whose wax

model was in Madame Tussauds in a suit that he wore in the trial. There's a thing they used to do in the Chamber of Horrors where the murderers used to wear their real suits that belonged to the actual blokes. You couldn't get away with it. Yeah. You couldn't do it now, could you?

No. I don't know which area of the current thing it offends, but there's something wrong with the murderous suit spinning in the eye thing. No, you're right. There is something very yellowing microfiche file about her name. Yeah. So meanwhile, the victim, Margaret Ann Lake, she used to be Mystic Meg on the National Lottery, didn't she? She had a weekly appearance and it was only recently. I don't know why it's taking me so long to think about this I thought I mean wasn't that essentially drawing attention to the the very the sort of unavoidable truth that dismantles her entire career I mean

it's essentially going on the National Lottery and it does beg a question doesn't it when you see Margaret Anne Lake, you think, well, come on then. Out with the numbers. Why is she working on it and not winning it? Yes, exactly. I think she was also on that Ant and Dec phoning thing and the blue Peter named the rabbit, which she predicted both accurately.

It's's remarkable. I forgot I forgot she was a bear. I'd sort of forgotten that astrology existed a bit until this story came up this week and I looked at I thought what will Justin Topher make of this who is my astrologer of choice is he yeah he's got the hair and so I looked at his his twitter feed and he doesn't refer to it at all just in taupe but then I got afraid that he might be no longer with us but anyway I look one of his tweets which i made a note of he said and this is word for word he said i have a new catchphrase i thought i mean i'm loving this so far he said i have a new catchphrase when saying goodbye and i thought i i'm making that you know because i'd like to be able to quote justin quote Justin Topa when I'm leaving and it's stay frosty stay frosty yeah now

I don't know if he's he gets short shrift from a lot of the people he speaks to they're a bit off with him and he urges them to kill or maybe communicate maybe communicates with the cryogenically preserved as part of his work. That's possible. Extraordinary. Who else would have said that other than the late David Frost's first wife, perhaps? Yeah, exactly. Or the agent of tony the tiger yes

frank skinner frank skinner absolute radio absolute radio i'll tell you what as a uh as a man who uh outside of um global pandemics spends a fair amount of time on stage when i read about the uh the change in um star signs i did think of chris christopherson who i hope is still doing gigs and he has a song do you know know his song Jesus was a Capricorn? No. I don't know that. And I think that it's just going to give him a bit of extra meat for his pre-song chat, isn't it? The fact that he'll be able to say, well, actually, he's not anymore because he's now changed. I don't know what 25th of December has morphed into.

But I bet he thought, oh, God, because I've been using the same banter before that song since 1971. And now I can suddenly sound like I've got my finger on the pulse. So it's good news for Double K. For the OKK. I don't mean Kerry Katona. No. Or Kim Kardashian, obviously. No. Kevin KK. I don't mean Kerry Katona. No. Or Kim Kardashian, obviously.

No. Kevin Kline. Anyway. Other KKs are available. Yeah, exactly. Did you see The Sun did some interesting reporting of this? I like that The Sun news editor had it, you know when they do a little box out and they do it in a little colour, like a pale blue maybe just just to illustrate this is separate editorial yeah and it said at the top um it seems boffins were right was the headline

and it was him essentially saying he was always saw himself as a natural sagittarian and it turns out he's actually um an ophiuchus so there you go that was the news okay nasa um on their website make quite a big fuss about a bit like i am with um i looked at the uh lyrics um my son is playing the ukulele at the moment. And we were looking at When I'm Cleaning Windows, the George Formby song, the lyrics to that on Apple Music. And there's a bit in brackets where the instrumental break comes. And they've put banjo, which, of course, he did not play.

So I'm slightly furious about that. And that's how NASA are about astronomy, astrology. Yeah. They're really, the idea of it being confused. But if I met Brian Cox in a bar and someone said to me, I can't remember, he's either an astronomer or an astrologer. I would absolutely guess he was an astrologer. I think his whole manner, you know, that slightly smiley distant world thing is for me, he was he could have been a topiary.

he could have been a Toparian For anyone who didn't hear the last link Frank is referring to Justin Topa who was an astrologer briefly in the 90s and looked a bit like one of status quo Frank, would you say? Careful, I think he's still an astrologer I don't want there to be a run

on Justin Topa and we close it I think I once did that with BHS I said it was closed and then... What, you're saying, I need to lawyer up the astrologers? Yeah, be careful. When Frank says he thinks he's still an astrologer, I would just put, you know, I think it might be a bit like being a marine.

You know, they say you never stop being a marine. You're always a marine. There's no such thing as a retired marine. I think the same might go for astrologers even if he had stepped back from work and he'd probably still know stuff yeah no i think he's um you know at worst he'll have a booth on a seafront some way i i think uh worse than that frank Skinner on Absolute Radio we were discussing

hot news in the astrology community I mean yeah you're right it does feel like the whole thing the whole thing has an element of hashtag late review it is yeah but it turns out the Babylonians who did the original Zodiac,

they knew all about this. This isn't a thing that's just emerged. Yeah, they just admitted it for convenience. There's another thing in the newspaper. What annoys me about that is there's one thing I associate with the Babylonians is thoroughness. I don't think of them as just saying, oh, I'll be all right. No one will notice. Just put it in the cupboard. Apparently Groupon are doing an offer if anybody has a tattoo of a star sign that is wrong,

that they'll do a prize of removing it. Like they're giving out 25 laser treatments. And the surprising thing for me about this story was that Groupon still existed I'd forgotten about Groupon let alone star signs. Well I'm glad they still exist because I've got an enormous Groupon tattoo on my back. I'm glad they still exist because there's no live comedy at the moment so I might need to buy everything even cheaper than I used to my Groupon tattoo is just above my Cleopatra coming at you you back so many wrong horses

when you're in the tattoos parlor I'll tell you something though I didn't realize I've often wondered in when the last couple of years whether tattoo removal is a thing. I went out with a woman who was trying to get rid of a sort of a gun she'd got on her arm. Oh dear, who was it, Lil' Kim? And she had several goes at it, which she said was excruciatingly painful. And you could still see. So can you actually properly remove one without horrible scar tissue or anything of that nature? I think you can.

I believe so. And I think you can also get what they call cover-up done, which is a tattoo that you like. So you can cover up the gun with a flower, for example. Oh, I see. that you like so you could cover up the gun with a flower for example oh i say or or you could cover up your um you know aquarius tattoo with with my new sagittarius my new capricorn one yeah how am i gonna turn my crab into uh some twins oh well i think you just gotta if you make the the two pin they are the main pincers oh i know if you make those torsos oh that's a good idea and then you can have the matter sitting at a round table one either side uh so no food on the table, sadly. Just those two black things at one end. You could say, yeah, maybe they were,

they'd had a couple of plums delivered. They were just sitting there letting them ripen. I'll say this, though. What they call castor and pollocks. Is that right? Yeah, I believe so. Very good, Frank. Thanks. I love your story. Very good, Frank. Thanks.

I love your story. Before I get all my groceries. The Zodiac tattoo is at the more gentle end of the tattoo inspiration spectrum, isn't it? Compared to guns and barbed wire. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I've got one next to my ballet tattoo. What? You never know with Al, do you?

Because he's all sort of partly sensitive and partly brutal. I never know. What a way to wrap things up. I think we should leave it there. Look, thank you so much for listening today. Sarah Champion is up next, so do listen to her and um you know what if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week now stay frosty this is frank skinner this is absolute radio