The Frank Skinner Show - Shame Bread

Episode Date: July 30, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank is away so Emily is joined by Pierre Novellie and Isy Suttie. The team discuss a Clubcard tattoo, oil vs butter and nicknames.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Good morning. Oh, did somebody drop a pen? This is a terrible start. This is the Frank Skinner Show. I can't deny it any longer though. I'm not Frank Skinner. Frank can't be here today. He's had a last minute call up for love island birmingham bombshell incoming uh i promise he will be back next week though by which time football may have even come home and uh looking forward to a two-day wait in baggage reclaim um we may not have our esteemed leader with us today but we do have the very wonderful piano valley hello or as i call him pete new just

to keep him grounded i'm trying to find a your jingle pierre we we have a little french oh my gallic my voice where's gall jingle? Let's go for this. That's all I can find. We also have, I'm very excited about this. I mean, I'm very excited about you, Pierre. Oh, I feel terrible now. I've made it seem like I'm not excited about you. I am.

But this is a first, because I've had previous with this woman. She's been on my podcast. I have the very wonderful Izzy Sooty. Hello. Morning, Izzy. Can I have a jingle, please? Okay. What do you fancy? What about this? Good morning

Tokyo. Yes. Good morning Tokyo. Happy to be seeing you. Happy to be seeing you. Do you like that? That's going to be my walk-on music now

for my stand-up shows. It seemed like, as the youth say, a bit of you. Yes. I felt. Love it. I should say you can text the show on 81215, you can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio,

or you can email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Now, have you and Pierre had previous Izzy? Oh, no. Just in life? In life. Well, my partner says that I know Pierre, but I have no recollection of it. I think...

This is a very awkward start. It's terrible. I think we would have maybe chatted briefly, if he's right about that, at Machantla's Comedy Festival backstage. I feel like this is the most polite conversation about having met each other before. But I don't know if that's true, though.

So neither of us really know. We might have talked to people who look like us. To be fair, a lot of people look like me. And me. Do you think? I think so. Are we just characters in Guess Who? I think it's going quite well.

I quite like your burgeoning friendship. When I met, I mean, I've met Izzy a number of times. When Izzy came on my podcast, though, she, in a moment of, I mean, it was ill-advised, you revealed something to me about a childhood nickname that you sort of tried to get going, I feel, at some point. I did. What was it?

IJ. Yeah, and then I insisted on calling you IJ. IJ. Yeah. What do you think of IJ? I like IJ. It's a rare combination of letters. Yeah.

My middle name is Jane. What's your middle name, Pierre? Do you know, I think they're getting on really well What's your middle name? I love that, that's like we're going on a date when you're about eight What's your middle name? How many pats have you got? My middle name is Guillaume It just gets more French the further down you go

So you'd be PG. PG. Like PG Tips. Woody though. PG Tips. Woody though. Guillaume. Yeah.

Oh, I like a Guillaume. Yeah. Yeah. My initials are piggin'. I like, you see, I think I prefer Pierre though because Guillaume sounds potentially like a bit of a heartbreaker. Do you think? Yeah.

Do you not think so, RJ? Yes, he sounds like a boy you'd meet on French exchange when you were 14. It sounds a bit like, and then Guillaume never called me. Absolutely. I'm quite over it, yeah. You've bombed over Orangina. Okay, RJ and PG, there it is.

Start with it, whether you like it or not. I need to apologise to you and our loyal readers this morning because I'm a bit of a broken woman. I arrived back into Stansted Airport at about two o'clock. I was back from France, which we'll discuss. But I felt very seen this morning because it turned out that Pierre Novelli, sorry, PG and I, had both encountered on our travels

when he was coming back from Stuyvesant the worst cab driver slash owner of cab company in the world. Yes. Is that right? Yes, the worst cab facilitator, cab gremlin. Gatekeeper. Gatekeeper. Gatekeeper.

Can you, I mean... Oatsbreaker. Just to give you a brief insight into the worst cab owner slash facilitator of cars in the world, when I asked him at, probably it must have been about half past 12 last night, did you think I will be getting a driver soon?

Are there any cabs? Where is he? He's in the loo. It'll be about 15 minutes. How can you predict he's going to be 15 minutes in the loo? Old friends. How could he have predicted that? He was a tricky customer, wasn't he?

Yeah. Did you end up, what time did you sort of loiter there? On your return? He sort of kept telling us it would be sort of two hours for a cab and sort of sighing as if we'd done that it'd be two hours you fool was the sort of subtext of what he was saying and we just agreed and in the end

it was 40 minutes so it wasn't two hours but he was desperate to stop people from engaging his services. I'm kind of obsessed by him. What I do hate I was saying this morning is he's the last person

I thought about when I went to bed last night and the first person I thought about when I woke up this morning. Do you want to know

my middle name or nickname? I don't really have one. OK, next up this morning... Dino. Oh, no. Do you know about Dino? No. Oh, aye, Jay. There was an incident once.

Yeah. Is it too early for this? We'll soon find out. What my father would have called a gentleman caller in my life, a man I was dating briefly, very briefly it turned out, and you'll soon find out why, he referred to me as Dino, something that no one has ever really called me before, particularly not in the bedroom.

OK? That is odd. He referred to me as Dino in a bedroom context. In the bedroom. Okay. That is odd. That is odd. He referred to me as Dino in a bedroom context. How do you feel about that, IJ? I mean, it's a make or break situation, isn't it? Which one do you think it was? That is very funny.

It was traumatic. Yeah. And that was it. What was, um, it was traumatic. Yeah. And that was it. What was he thinking? I don't know. Should we call him? Do you want to get him on the phone? Had he done it before?

It wasn't the first time. It was the first and last time, let me tell you. Well, that is, I mean, that is brave. It's quite a blokey thing to... Yes, that's what I felt. I pointed out his folly to him. I said, can you please not call me that? I went out with a guy nicknamed Dino.

Did you? In the 90s, because there was a Derby County player called Dino and he looked like the Derby County player. Oh, is that a good thing? I mean, I don't want to insult anyone. He was a fine- man from by matlock standards that's that's what i'll say i can't even remember his real name do you think you could give him that i hope he's listening he could put that on his social media bio a fine looking man by Box to handers. Now, I have been in France. Yes.

And I have to say, I've been doing a bit of school trip French. Do you do that? Do you both speak French? A little bit. A little bit. I failed A-level French. Well, I think you're going to need to brush up with old Guillaume. I mean, people are going to be having hard...

Pierre, your name's Pierre and you can't speak fluent French. I'm a real letdown. Yeah. To a lot of baffled French people. Well, I went to Joanne Lapin. Are you familiar with it? Is that rabbit? I think you're wrong.

Lapin. Yeah. That's rabbit. I don't believe you failed your A-level French. Why didn't they pass me? You're busting out the vocab left and right. I thought you were kind of insulting me, Izzy, in a sort of like Chaz and Dave use of rabbit.

Oh, I see. Is that a rabbit you were coming out with? Is that a rabbit? You? Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit. You're rabbiting on Dino. Yeah. Oh, that's quite triggering.

I went to Joie Les Pins. Oh, Les Pins Pain Jean the Pines I don't know what that means but I believe that would be what do you think Guillaume, is that the literal translation? Le Pain is an L-E-P-I-N Jean the Pines that's what I thought it was

it was a lovely relaxing holiday but it wasn't entirely without incident and I discovered something extraordinary It was a lovely, relaxing holiday, but it wasn't entirely without incident. And I discovered something extraordinary. It involves the way bread is presented in France. Are you both, are you French, Pierre? No. Are you French, Izzy?

No. Oh. Is there anyone else available this morning? I'm not sure. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, is there anyone else available this morning? I am joined by Izzy City and Pia Novelli, who I'm calling IJ, based on a childhood nickname that, let's be honest, never really took off, Izzy. That I made up, crucially. I think nicknames are normally made up by other people,

but I tried to push it onto my peer group. How would you use it a context so let's say I came over I said oh hi what's your name oh I'm IJ no do it again hello what's your name me I'm IJ that's good that's cool yeah I believe you though that's the crucial part is that I yeah, this is someone who's been called IJ every day of her life. Yes, it's definitely not something she's started to do today. What I like is the me changes everything. Yes. Me? Me.

This old thing. I'm only this one. I don't care what I look like. And Pierre, we've established is PG, as he's called him. Have you ever been called that? No. Pierre Guillaume. pg parental guidance yes yes i'm aware of that pg rating pierrot pierrot yeah what about pierrot that's a good one anyway

i need to tell you about bread yes i appreciate that sounds fairly basic but bear with me i was in joanne le pain in the south france at a charming restaurant how's that very good you liking that yeah make me sound quite attractive very nice and and of course in english that is a food barn is that what it means literally oh i don't like it it sounds a bit food court and i don't you know i have a rule ij i don't have many rules in my life but one of them is this that's a lot i have a lot of rules one of them is this i don't like eating food uh in a retail environment yeah how do you feel about that what about like a restaurant within a shopping centre that you really like?

Oh, no. Oh, my God. So you wouldn't go in like a Café Rouge in a shopping centre? No. Why is everyone laughing? Why is everyone laughing? Because I know what you mean about carrying your tray in an open-air environment,

so a kind of big food hall, I kind of get that. You sort of go, I go to school at the mall. That's what it feels like. And I don't like that they call it the food court. Don't try and promote yourselves to some sort of legal centre, some judicial food court. It's not a court. Sort of Arthurian court.

I don't like the way they refer to it as food court. No. And they try and make it so, see, it's so appealing. Centralised tables in the court, and you've got your choice. I went with, in fact, I was with Catherine Ryan, I think, and we were in the O2. She was doing a gig there. I was, frankly, tagging along.

And she says, I said, I don't know, I can't, I can't eat here, I'm afraid, because it's in the, it's on the retail premises. She has literally, I think she's probably put it in her stand up. She's told everyone she knows, can you believe Emily Dean won't eat in a mall? Well, she's a North American, so you're really slighting her culture when you say you won't eat in a mall. Yeah. Do you think that's why she hasn't called me? It's a North American tradition.

Oh, no. I'm going to have to start eating in the food court. You need to sort of break yourself in. You'll have to take a sandwich a few steps in and just eat some bites walking around. Yeah, that's going to happen, IJ, isn't it? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Have we heard from the outside world at all?

Yes, indeed. Andy Bush of this parish. Ah. Of this parish. Andy Bush. Has tweeted a photo. Oh, because we mentioned, we should say actually, is this in relation to last week?

Because Frank's cat, it emerged, she's fond of a malapropism did you know this about Kath? No but I love that about Kath Yeah She really does Frank came up with some brilliant examples last week I can't remember

but it's things like instead of a rabbit in the headlights it'll be fill an example can you think of something A rolling stone gathers no... Headlights. Bird in the hand. You've got it. Yeah, it's exactly that. So, she

said something. She's a huge fan of Absolute Radio. Why wouldn't you be? And she's particularly a fan of, as she calls them, the Shane and Richie show. Yes. Instead of the Bush and Richie. Yes.

So has Bush got in touch? He certainly has. What's he said? A big thank you to listener Joe who made us Shane Richie badges in honour of Frank's partner calling us the Shane and Richie show. And they're sort of like, they look like sort of imperial medals from a country that doesn't exist anymore. Are they like a country that was made up in dynasty or something, which was an old soap,

and they just make up the name of the country, yeah. Crumblovia. Yeah. Amazing kind of vintage material, haven't they, holding the medals. There must be a technical term for that loop of material that you loop around the ring of a medal. I think it is a ribbon.

I think they stick with ribbon. A ribbon. But you might be right, there might be an even more. I reckon there is. Maybe. Although I have to say, sorry Andy, but we did get a text in from 6680 who says, get on with the bread story, please.

Oh, I do apologise. People are on the edge of their seat, bread-wise. Can I say, I love 6680. I appreciate your open courage in addressing me like that. Some might say it was foolhardy. But I'm going to compete. Is it 6680? You've abandoned the three.

We normally go for the trio. No, I like the four. The Catra, that's your way. See the schoolgirl French. Anyway, 6-6-8-0. This one's for you. Le Pain. The Pan story.

My Pan, as I will call it. I'm at this restaurant. I can tell it's a posh restaurant because there's a celebrity sighting. Clarkson is present. Le Clarkson. That's how they addressed him, yes. Yes.

Le Jeremy. Yeah, he was there. And so I thought this is a good establishment. I was with my friends, and they only go to nice places because they're people of, you know, exquisite taste. It's picturesque, the pristine table setting. We're getting the picture, you know, the sort of Instagram sunset. And then the waiter comes over.

I don't think he liked my energy i was trying to speak french and he was doing that thing every time i would try and speak french he would reply in english but in a very almost angry way and the bread arrived i say the bread arrived It took a while to find out it was bread because a woman came over. She looked so sort of mournful. She looked like it was an Edinburgh Fringe sort of arts production. She was totally silent. And she was carrying a brown paper bag in each hand.

She approached our table and she deposited the two brown paper bags on the table, bowed her head and then walked away. Like some sort of mob exchange. It was so... It was like a Premier League manager in the 80s getting, you know, some readies.

But it was so odd. It was like performance art. And I opened it and there were well we all opened it there were three bread rolls in each it was like prohibition it was like there was shame attached to the bread like she was bringing us moonshine or something we couldn't be seen it was strange but i tell you when things got a lot stranger when i asked for du beurre oh sorry i love pierre's reaction oh guillaume it didn't go well frank skimmer absolute radio now where were we oh i don't like that brown Brown bag. Isn't that what a slightly creepy man says

when he comes back into the room with the champagne glasses? Now, where were we? Having convinced the constable that there's nothing amiss. Now, where were we? Oh, I know where we were. The butter dish. Yes. Butter.

Du beurre. You had been handed some shame bread i've been handed the shame bread and it was shame bread because it was it came in it was presented to me in silence in two brown paper bags you made it sound like a section from a long long performance art piece called loaf of grief or something was this woman ever seen again, by the way? Never. It was a brief cameo. Tonight, the part of mournful bread carrier

will be played by uncredited woman. So I never saw her again. That was her only role. Oh. Oh. That's lovely. I'm so happy. Very good.

Very good. Izzy's reaction was great. That's lovely. That's lovely. Where were we? So then I had the, and I didn't like eating it out of the bag. I felt like a pigeon. So hang on, you didn't...

So you didn't transfer the rolls from the bag onto plates? Apparently that's not done in France. Did you feel instinctively that the rolls must remain hidden, given the context in which you were given them? Yes, I did, actually. I'm not going to lie. You thought, clearly these are obscene. I felt rather like if I'm eating a packet of Monster Munch in the street,

I will hide them within my handbag because I've been brought up... My mum was always, never eat in the street, darling. Never, never, never eat in the street. She didn't mind. That was the only rule, pretty much, we had. So I have gotten to that but if i'm

desperate i will shove my hand into my handbag so no one at least sees that i'm putting it into food stuff okay it's a surreptitious thing anyway it felt like that so do bear yes yes i asked the waiter. He appeared. I asked him in French because I think that's, you know, the polite thing to do. Je vous donne du beurre, s'il vous plaît. Very nice. Garçon, maybe even. Sure.

Do you know how he responded? Really? Wow. Wow, this was a nice restaurant. You can imagine, Guillaume. I can imagine. I said du beurre. And then I sort of tried to conjugate it

and I think it all went a bit wrong. I wanted to explain. I said pour mettre sur le pain. Rather than for eating straight. I'm not going to have any bread. It is for to make the bread with butter. You see, sir. And he went...

So I didn't hold that much hope. Gosh. Then I'd say that the main courses appeared. Still, pas de beurre. I said, Monsieur, I tried everything. Pardon? Then eventually he came over again. I said, du beurre?

He just sort of glared at me and then walked off again. It got to the stage that the desserts had arrived. Still, pas de beurre. Well, you can imagine how that was playing with me. I almost considered bringing Clarkson in. He looked the type that, you know, he might get better, so he might get attention. Oh, yeah.

I feel like he'd just walk into the kitchen and get du beurre. Yeah. Where's du beurre? Oh, Monsieur Clarkson. And they would all cower in front of him. So, finally, by this stage, he's sort of clearing the plates and there's still no beurre.

And I noticed my godson said, he said, merci beaucoup. And he said very pointedly, the man, because I'd asked him about four times for the burr, he said very pointedly to my godson mon plaisir and nothing to me wow

I got nothing and it became such a point of principle by this stage he brought it out so late that, I mean, I'd have to be smearing it on a baked Alaska or tart citron. It was no use to me. I'm imagining him bringing it out when all the other tables

have got the chairs up on them. Sort of 1am. You know what I imagined? I imagined him turning up in my bedroom, depositing it on my pillow, saying, Voila. Voila la beurre. Du beurre.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner's not here. Sorry about that. Does that sound okay? But we do have the very wonderful Izzy City and Piano Valley. I'm just

going to randomly play a jingle and see how we go. Whatever happens Oh, sorry. Okay. That's good. That sounded like I was saying neither of you were relevant anymore which is not what I was thinking. You can text the show on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the radio. And please do get in touch. We love to hear from you. Or you can email the show via frank at absolute radio.co.uk. I want to address Izzy, because I've been talking about my holiday. Well, specifically du beurre, absence of beurre.

You have been away as well? I've been to Centre Parcs. Centre Parcs. Le Parc de Centre. Yes. How was it? It was fine. We went for the weekend.

Oh, that's not a good review, Guillaume, is it? Centrebox isn't sounding like the Joan Lapin of England at this rate. I was thinking about when, you know, if you ever say to someone, how do I look? You know, when you've made an effort to go out and they go, fine. That's worse in a way than going terrible, isn't it? You look fine. But it was fine.

There were high points, there were low points. Can I start with the low? Of course, always. The two low points were that Alice, my partner... Who I love. I mean, I don't want you to get alarmed. I'm not. No, don't worry. There's room for you in his life.

He loves you too, he really does. I just love you as a Eunice. I find it pleasing. Anyway. for you. There's room for you in his life. He loves you too. He really does. I just love you as a Eunice. I find it pleasing. Anyway. Thank you. So LJ, as is his nickname, had to get up at 7am on the first day we were there and come back to London

to present the National Podcast Awards all day. So I was on my own with a three-year-old and a seven-year-old and a seven-year-old and three-year-old could open the door of the back door and run away so it was a bit like right okay i'm gonna do i'm gonna do rock climbing i'm gonna hang on to the three-year-old while the seven-year-old goes up the rocks and i'm gonna stop him but there were lots of baby ducklings around and all he wanted to do was pick up the baby ducklings while she was climbing these rocks and he kept saying duckling stroke duckling and i was like no rocks. And he kept saying, ducklings, stroke, duckling.

And I was like, no, no, no, don't stroke it. It was sort of alarmed people drinking coffee. Go, don't let him pick one up. And I was like, no, I'm not going to. Betty's also halfway up this rock face going, weren't you videoing me? It was just like, oh. I was not working with talent.

I have to say, it sounds like something from, you know, the sort of enormous paintings of what sort of hell would be like, or like tests that people go through. Yes, it's like Hieronymus Bosch, isn't it? Hieronymus Bosch, exactly. It's like a Hieronymus Bosch scene of like, and a child on a rock face will be above some ducklings

and it could fall at any moment. Yes. Where do you run? I like to think that stroke ducklings, that's probably what I was saying when I was asking for butter, which is why the waiter was giving me a dirty look. It sounds like a bad French translation. It does.

So you were sort of doing a lot of crisis management there. Doing a lot of crisis management. Then he came back that night, so I was like, OK, he's back. We had one more day there. How was the row? So we didn't have a row until the next night, actually. So what I did was when he got back, I said, will you take Betty swimming?

And he did. Can you just do the tone of voice again you said it in? So I'm Alice, I've come in. Oh, hey there, is he? Been doing the old national podcast awards. I mean, up against it, so tired. Yeah, sorry I overran. Will you take Betty swimming? That's quite nice, actually. He's so tired. Yeah, sorry I overran. Will you take Betty swimming?

That's quite nice, actually. Thank you. Okay. So he took her swimming to Tropical Paradise. Oh, I think I need to know about Tropical Paradise. Were there murals of parrots, maybe?

Oh, I think there are. Oh, yeah. I think there are. There's a pirate ship that you can fire water from. Have you been to subtropical? Subtropical swimming park. It's not tropical.

It's subtropical. Let's get the geography right. Yeah. This is Centre Parcs, for goodness sake. Was that the sequel to the Ant and Exile? Let's get the geography right. What was the... But the subtropical.

So how did the pirates work? Were there actual people dressed as pirates? Oh, that would have been amazing. No, it's a big plastic pirate ship that they can climb up and slide down. But that was the source of the row the next night. Do you know what? I'm so excited.

No offence to hear about the row. I'm going to have to tease it frank skinner on absolute radio we were talking about what ij was telling us is he was telling us about the row that she and ellis were about to. Are you all settled by the fireside? Yeah. I'm excited because she's heavily implied it was triggered by an enormous plastic pirate ship. All the best rows are.

Wouldn't you like it if someone actually split up because of that? I wouldn't like it if you two split up. I wouldn't know what to do with myself. That's never going to happen on my watch. What happened with the row, please? The row was the next day when he didn't have to leave centre parks we said let's take both kids swimming the three-year-old hasn't been swimming very many times because uh of of covid because we're in lockdown so we got him into the changing room we went to put his trunks on and he was like

no trunks no trunks and we were like exhibition like well he had a swimming nappy on as well but yeah maybe he intended to rip it off so he said no trunks no trunks and we were like what we're gonna do so this went on for 20 minutes with us trying to put the trunks on him him throwing across the room them going under other cubicles people having to knock on the door and return them it was like no trunks no trunks i thought i'll get him to watch my phone so we can get the trunks on him he threw my phone under the door of the other cubicle um so in the end ellis and betty just went into the pool um and i was like did ellis say no trunks or oh ellis never he was very trunks thankfully um so then i had to just take stephy our son who was having a screaming fit around to

the baby ducklings which didn't placate him and he threw himself onto the floor next to the baby ducklings and um then a woman came up to me and said you're doing you're doing really well mum and i cried i would have cried was, because it was just, also when your kid is having a screaming fit for like, it was probably 30 minutes by that point.

Whoa. I was going, there's a plastic pirate ship and he was still screaming, no trunks. And then I just went and took him to a soft play and bought a massive G&T

with strawberries and cucumber in it. Oh, I love it. And I drank it in a, genuinely, in about 25 seconds. And then the row was later why did the row start the row started because we went to cafe rouge in center parks and it took 50 minutes was it in a food court now i don't think you would have liked this um

what makes you think that it wasn't in a food court as such but it was in a kind of complex oh with other restaurants and with no paradise and with a bowling alley how does that sit with you it doesn't sit very well at all would you eat in a dome what do you think i think not no okay so how did the row start the row started because our food hadn't arrived for 50 minutes. The waitress brought it. I'd had the G&T. I don't drink very much when I do drink. And I asked for Dijon mustard.

Actually, we've got, interestingly, we've got very similar stories. I asked for Dijon mustard in a slightly stroppy way. But interesting that you were asking for Dijon mustard I mean surely I should have been asking for that in my gloca

well he would have brought that within two seconds wouldn't he oh yeah madame yes sir you asked for

Dijon mustard so what's is he being stroppy so I think I said can I have some Dijon

mustard please that's good That's good. That's good. Strong no-trunks energy. Yeah. Yes. And what did the waiter say? The waiter, the waitress brought it.

Oh. And Ellis said, I think you were a bit rude then. And I said, I was a bit rude. I said, he had a screaming fit. He wouldn't even go and stroke the ducklings. He wouldn't put his trunks on. He threw himself onto the gravel. He was still just in his swimming nappy for the whole of the of the tantrum

because i couldn't even get his clothes on i was like don't tell me i'm and then i stormed off and cried again and went back to the lodge and then i booked a facial for the next morning then i felt a bit better oh do you know what respect frank skinner on absolute radio Do you know what? Respect. By the way, I was showing Issey... Issey Miyake. You don't like being called... Because of Issey Miyake, presumably that was thrown your way a lot. Oh, it was.

But also, Izzy Wizzy Let's Get Busy, because of my surname. Because the Sooty show which i don't think is on anymore uh my surname sotty as you would say and probably pr i guess you'd say sotty um in the north where i grew up is sotty and the sooty show's magic spell was izzy whizzy let's get busy so um an unfortunate confluence of yeah well did you have a i bet you had a few what i'm going to call dino encounters with that phrase i hope not i just hope not for yours by the way off air i was showing pierre and izzy photographs which i thought were fairly standard images apparently not of my dog who is currently staying at the country dog hotel where while i've been in

france and i get updates of his pro you know just progress reports which are rather lovely he's on i got a text yesterday whilst i was in flight hell being delayed at stansted and turfed onto buses i heard hi there emily can i just check what you want for Ray's spa day? Do you want a groom or just a wash and mud treatment for his coat? What's it called? The Country Dog Hotel. What's a mud treatment?

We'll soon find out. Yeah. He gets very sportly. They give you the option of sleeping on beds. They say, do you want your dog to sleep on the bed with a human? Or, I said, yeah, he prefers that, thank you. So they've just got these humans there who, that's their job. They've just got these humans there.

Yes. They've just got these, it's absolutely, and I mean, it's nicer than any hotel I've ever stayed in. Humans aren't allowed in, only the workers, the dog's workers. I love that. And you get updates. And I was once asked by them, they said, would you mind if Ray shares a room with Lorraine Kelly's dog, Angus? Angus Kelly.

He was referred to as Angus Kelly, which I like. Anyway, he's having a better time than me. So, you've got, what's happening? Because I'm going to be seeing you. You're in Edinburgh, Pierre. Pierre's got his show. What is it called? Your show is...

Why Can't I Just Enjoy Things. Oh, I quite like that. I love that. Monkey Barrel, 6.10. Oh, we got it in. I like it. Well, I'll be coming to see that. I can come and see you at 6.10.

Lovely time. I think I might... Can I bring a seven-year-old? Of course. Who likes rock climbing? And is it okay if they don't wear it? There are ducklings in the show. And it's a trunks-free zone,

I've heard. And what are you doing, you're going to be, are you on tour? Yes, I'm about, I'm going to be on tour from September the 20th. I've got a run at the Soho Theatre

from the 22nd of August for six nights and my show's called Jackpot and it's about seeking adventure in middle age well it's about like

my my my quest for curiosity and adventure and a bit about the spiritual world good title Jackpot

thank you it's hard to think of titles isn't it it's supposed to be bursting out of a cauldron of coins that is supposed to be you sort of bursting out of a cauldron of coins. I mean, that is what it should be, or me bursting out of a fruit machine. Yes. Oh, I'd like that. You see,

that's why I'm interested, because you're both comics, and you both got these shows on this summer. But how, exactly, how do you think up the titles? I'm interested in that. Is that what people ask you all the time? How do you think up all those jokes? But how do you? You went for why can't I just enjoy things.

So the origin story of that is that it's a question I genuinely ask myself at one point in exasperation. And then, you know, stand-up makes you cripplingly self-aware of what you're doing, even as it's happening. And even as I said it to myself out loud, I thought that's a funny thing for the person to say to themselves. And then did you do material about it and then think that'll be the title,

or did you kind of log it as a title? Sort of both, really. I sort of went, no, this seems like a problem that is sufficient for at least an hour of talking. Oh, I like this. Do you know what I like about this? It's become a bit Guardian interview. Yeah.

Yes, yes. So what I decided when I was thinking of, why can't I just enjoy things? I went on a retreat. I looked at the sea. Do you know what? I don't think Guillaume, as he's now being called forever,

I don't see him as a retreat type, do you? No, I don't. Why not? We'll find out after this. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. No, I don't. Why not? We'll find out after this. Oh my God, I can't believe it. That is word for word what I said to the owner of, what's it called? Street Cars.

I've named and shamed it. I don't care. Yeah, I think something like that. Terrible. I sort of feel like if I go back to Stansted and I look where that man's booth was, it would just be sort of leaves blowing an empty space. And I'll say, but he was here. And the staff will say,

sir, there hasn't been a taxi company here for 50 years. A man died and they some do say his spirit do haunt the terminal. He was murdered for being awful. Now you've taken things too far. Do you know that I was getting so frustrated? I will stop going on. I appreciate people moaning about their travel problems. It's more boring than listening to their problems.

But I'm going to nevertheless. Because when I got on and the pilot made an announcement saying we've got a very tight window. I like a pilot that says that we've got a very tight window. If we miss our landing, there was a sense of jeopardy at City Airport. We're not going to make it. It's also Top Gun. So we'd have to be diverted. So if you can all come on quickly quickly the quicker you get in your seats

that higher the chances are we're going to make it so we're waiting and i'm watching these people come on and i see this man and dawdling isn't the word he had a panama hat i knew as soon as i saw the panama hat we were done for yeah that's it all it's the uniform of a shuffler. You've got it. He had the blue linen jacket with the sort of pockets that look like they're sort of hanging on the floor. They've had so much loose change in them. And he had a sort of what looked like a raffia. I don't know if it was full of a watercolour set or something.

He was trying to get it up in the overhead locker and then he had a giant big wheelie case. He was like, oh, my God, this is awfully difficult. I was getting so angry. I was going, come on! And then another young guy came on with a huge sort of Louis Vuitton shop called Goyard. You know those big bags? Oh, yeah.

On the phone. On the phone at a time like that. Oh no. I turned to the member of the cabin crew who was charming. I said, I am going to have to go and do something. What I said, I said, I cannot be responsible for my actions if those people don't get seated soon. And she said, I completely relate.

I wish I could say that. She brought me over a mini bottle of champagne. Did she? Yeah. I said, I don't drink, but I'm going to start. Now's the time. Anyway, I won't talk about that any further. What were we saying before that? I've completely lost my track of thought. I'm sorry. I'm slightly disorientated this morning. Have we heard from the outside world? We have. We've heard from a 597. Oh. Who've also named themselves as Simon of Sudbury, which sounds like a boutique, doesn't it? He's one of our regulars.

He's got a slightly medieval vibe. I love that. Which is why we call him... I think what happened was he referred to himself as Simon of Sudbury, is that right? And we thought it sounded like a sort of medieval poet or prophet. Yes. I think it sounds like a boutique where you go,

oh, no, take him down to Simon of Sudbury. We'll be able to find a tie there for the wedding. It sounds like somewhere that you would get a sort of artisanal hand cream. Yes, absolutely. I think Simon of... Yeah, I'm going to... Simons of Sudbury. Can I Simons that?

With a Z. Can I throw this in the mix? How about a hairdresser? Simon of Sudbury. Simon of Sudbury, hello. Oh, yeah, no, that's good. What about a soap seller? Simon of Sudbury.

A soap seller? Yeah. Sorry, what is a soap seller? A soap sods. I'm going down to the soap sellers. Yes. What does Simon of Sudbury say? He says,

we were constantly sans beurre. Is that how you say it? Sans beurre. You can tell that I failed A-level French now. I take back

what I said about your lapin rabbit skills earlier. Translation, without butter, for anyone who was with me on the failing

A-level French, we were constantly sans beurour out in Crete a couple of weeks ago. A good dollop of the omnipresent olive oil generally did the trick. What do you think about substituting olive oil for butter? It's the salt

I miss. Sorry, what did you say? Yes. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Skinner Absolute Radio You know Can I tell you the worst thing to hear? Is when you say You tell a joke

Or you say something amusing And someone says Stony face Funny Or that's comedy I used to know a guy that did that What? And I think You sound like you're threatening me. He would just respond to anything funny.

Everyone else would be laughing. Well, I say everyone else, maybe two other people. And he'd go, funny. Really? Yeah. Did he have noticeably metal limbs? A lot of wires in his chest. Did he do the same when it was sad news?

Sad. Crying. Did he get quite whimsical? Did he get quite elaborate with the descriptions? Sexy.

That's when he called me Dino. We were talking about olive oil because that's what we do. I'm comparing our Ocado delivery dates.

No, we don't do that. Substitution. What did Simon and Sudbury... So Sudbury said... Simon and Sudbury said they'd had to substitute olive oil in. Okay. It was on the bench and then it was brought in. And it reminded me of when I was a student

and we had literally nothing in the house apart from one jacket potato and one packet of tomato economy soup mix. Sad. And I cooked the jacket potato and made the economy soup mix with lukewarm water and then poured it on the jacket potato. No. Yeah, but I did eat it because I was a student and I was hungry.

But yeah, that's the worst substitution I think I've ever done. Hang on. Let me just, let me just go back a bit. One jacket potato. What are the other ingredients?

Economy soup mix and lukewarm water. Oh, I thought you said okonomiyaki, which is a lovely Japanese dish. Oh, no. Economy, economy soup mix.

Yeah. A jacket potato, economy soup mix and lukewarm water. Well, no. Economy soup mix. Yeah. A jacket potato, economy soup mix. And lukewarm water. I mean, lukewarm water, are we counting that as an ingredient?

I mean, we are in this recipe. Oh, okay. Otherwise, you're just putting powder soup mix onto a jacket potato. Which might have been

better, actually. Du poivre? Ou du sel? Non. Is there a wider gap of mishearing, misunderstanding from economy soup mix to some fabulous Japanese cuisine? I thought it was economyaki. Which, can I say, I highly recommend.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank's not here this morning I know, I'm sorry but we do have the very fabulous Izzy Sooty I'm going to try another jingle Oh, I don't No, I'm not going

Oh no, what about this? Does that sound professional? Oh, thank you Oh, it cut off rather abruptly No, that's fine That was enough Yeah I felt like I was on a sort of very 80s daytime chat show.

Here she comes. And we have the very wonderful Piano Belli. What do you think of the lottery jingle approach? I quite like it. It forces me to evaluate my character each time in a different way to think is that apt is that for me is it for you no i think the answer is no you can text the show on 8 12 15 you can follow the show on twitter and instagram at frank on the radio or you can email the show via frank at absolute radio.co.. One thing we've been discussing this morning,

kind of inadvertently it came up, is a man I know, that sounds a bit suspicious, a man I used to know, but he's no longer... That sounds a bit more suspicious. Oh, it does. There's no way of not making this,

of making this not sound suspicious. He used to say, he used to respond to anyone saying anything humorous with no laughter but instead the word funny so i'm interested to know if any of our readers have people that respond to jokes in a strange way i'd like to know about that because it is a weird... That's odd, yeah. I mean, what do I do with that? Just laugh. Do you have to say weird in his face? Yes. And start a loop.

I tell you what I would like to discuss this morning. Talking of weird, did you read about... He's the hero of the week. Even over in France, Saint-Sauveur, I heard about this character. He's called Dean Mayhew. He got a Tesco club card, was this right, tattooed on his arm because, well, why did he do it?

That question to Pierre Novelli. So he'll never miss out on offers. Dean is a man who loves offers. Dino offers Dino Dino is it my ex? and the notion of missing out on offers fills him with grief

to the point where apparently he's willing to ink his Tesco club card onto his body he's described in the on wise efficient it's quite robotic it's appropriate isn't it to speak like a robot when you've got a barcode you know blooping Guys. Efficient. It's quite robotic.

It's appropriate, isn't it, to speak like a robot when you've got a barcode blooping through a machine on your arm like some mad dystopian. So he's had... Did you see this, Izzy? He's basically had the barcode tattooed. What area of his arm? Is it ticket to the gun show? Yeah, I don't know if I've seen a photo,

but I presume it's got... He said that he tried to put it through the self-scanner. I mean, it must have been very exciting. He went with the tattoo artist after they'd done it to see if it worked. Giddy. Giddy. Ready to test.

They went to the self-scanner and he said it was too awkward because of the way the scanner was positioned to see if it would scan. They had to go to the person at the till. How embarrassing. How do you open that? Excuse me.

Excuse me. I love offers. Especially your offers. Anyway. It's because he often forgot his card. I actually think it's very efficient. Do you? Yes.

I don't think anyone would deny the efficiency of it. Efficient. Efficient. To me it says inner forearm. His description of his difficulties, that's what it implies to me. What he said was that he got the numbers tattooed on his arm. He said apparently he goes there up to three times a day. He does have seven children.

He's described as a money-savvy dad of seven. Well, I'll tell you how else he was described, which I'm going to call tabloid speak, the shopper. At one point during the feature, they decided we've referred to him as Dean Mayhew or the man, so they referred to him as the shopper. It Man. So they referred to him as The Shopper. It said The Shopper thought about the tattoo for several months. And I like The Shopper because it sounds like his criminal mastermind nickname,

like you better call The Shopper. You don't want to get The Shopper involved. You want me to call The Shopper on you, son? He never misses an offer. I'll show you what. You want to get the shop around here, you don't want to see his barcode. I imagine you did a few harmonies when you were younger.

Oh, it used to drive my sister out of her mind when we were in the car as a family. And I used to harmonise, especially with Madonna, greatest hits. I used to know harmonies. I used to know that album so well I could predict the starting note

for the next song as the song ended. And I used to do harmonies for every song and my sister used to go shut up! And now Ellis does the same. Says shut up

or he sings to Madonna in perfect harmony? No, he says shut up. Oh, I love doing a bit of harmonising. I want to know if we've heard from the outside world. We are talking about Dean Mayhew, aka The Shopper,

who had a barcode tattooed onto his arm, essentially to save time, or just to save money, is this right? Yes, well, to ensure he never missed out on an offer. I sound like Jacob Rees-Mogg, very out of touch. What are these club cards to save money? To save time or money? Is it a gentleman's club?

The Tesco Club, I don't believe I've heard of that one. Excuse me, I'd like to apply for membership of the Tesco Club. Bring Mr Tesco out. I have some questions for him. I have got a club card and I do take advantage of the offers I'll. Bring Mr Tesco out. I have some questions for him. I have got a club card and I do take advantage of the office, I'll have you know. So we were discussing him, but I'd like a brief pause in proceedings

to hear, apparently our readers have something to say on the subject of Dubois. And I don't know, what's olive oil in French, Izzy? Something like huile. Oi. Huile. It's not H-U-I-L-E, isn't it? No, huile.

Okay. Over to you. Well, we asked what are your thoughts on olive oil as a replacement for butter? And it's fair to say... No, it makes it sound like family fortunes, Björn. Our survey says it's fair to say people have flipped their lids at the very suggestion oh

they've flipped their lids of olive oil it's not okay it's really not okay what have they said it's really not okay a taster very good from Adam

virgin on the ridiculous he said very good my producer please don't moan at the the client's comments yes I call them clients.

This says that they describe themselves as a very middle-class person. Oh, what's that? I'll give them my number. There are times when olive oil and balsamic vinegar together are an acceptable replacement for butter, if the bread is dipped into it. I don't know what else you'd do with it. And I'm talking sourdough, not Mighty White. Do you think Frank Skinner is going to be livid with me

that I've turned this into some avocado? What do you think of olive oil and artisanal breads? And, you know, I mean, the day before, I mean, this is a man that's helped bringing football home. Well, I think he might relate more to Michael, who says, tried it with mash, disaster. Is it really? Well, according think he might relate more to Michael, who says, tried it with mash. Disaster. Is it really?

Well, according to Michael. It's the verb. I can see how that wouldn't work. Oil and mash. I've seen one here. Yes, I do sometimes get access to them. Canary Mark, I've checked, and I think that's fine. In Spain, it is normal.

Delicious sandwiches they make. Is that Yoda? I quite like the sound of that. And then Canary Mark's then gone on to say, oh, I don't like that. No, Canary Mark, keep it clean. Richard Haragaty says, I do that as an alternative on my baked potatoes.

How do you feel about that? Richard Haragaty, a bit of Dickens' character. How do we feel about olive oil on baked potatoes? Richard Haragaty's oily potatoes. It goes with the Sudbury guy. Simon of Sudbury and Richard Haragaty. Together at last. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We're talking about olive oil. We're talking, I know, but it's me. What do you expect? We're talking about Tesco club card tattoos. Dean Mayhew has got one. The shopper. Who the tabloids refer to as the shopper, comma. Normally they put their age there.

Why do they like to put the shopper, comma, 43? It's as if as you read that you sort of go, oh, I see, a 43-year-old shopper. Yes. There we are. Now I understand. I mean, I assumed it was some, the sort of, I'm not going to lie

the drunken antics of a fool yes turned out no no he said he thought about it for several months before he did it I'd like to see those plans

yeah what I like imagine the tension when they were waiting to see whether it would work or not because if it didn't work oh I'd have loved it if it hadn't worked Izzy it would have work... Oh, I'd have loved it if it hadn't worked, Izzy.

It would have been very funny. Wouldn't you have loved that? Front row seats to that. My main question for Mr Mayhew is... For shopper. For the shopper. 30. He's claiming

to be hitting up his local Tesco three times a day. Can I suggest he makes a list? Perhaps tattoos it onto his other arm. It might save time. I actually think that's a very good idea because I have to say, as someone with two young kids, not seven, as Dean has,

I always need to buy the same things from the shop. The shopping list doesn't really change, so it is a good idea. You could leave two dotted lines to add something for that day at the bottom. The shopping list doesn't really change, so it is a good idea to get a tattoo. You could leave two dotted lines to add something for that day at the bottom. Yes, in biro. Yes. You really thought it through.

I like that. Would it be funny to have a shopping list tattooed on your arm, but in sort of that kind of gothic font? Really elaborate sort of genetic font. Or in Chinese, you know, when people have like, it actually just means bread milk. Bread milk. Out of oil. People always think it means live every day as if it were your last.

What it actually means is plum tomatoes and Bavarian cheese slices. You could get the opposite of the usual joke that you hear is played on people with Chinese character tattoos. You go, what does that say oh it says um it says uh find inner strength oh bloody hell i wanted it to say butter eggs and milk i've been had um we yeah for our too poetic we should say the shopper has i like the shopper though because he said a couple of things i enjoyed he said um it's it's typical me really and i like the idea of that being typical anyone well what aspect of that getting a barcode tattooed onto your arm is typical anyone but he also went on to say um i'm not one of those people that regret stuff so that's handy

as a dad of seven you'd hope so he says he's now considering the big one nectar ooh maybe

he's getting the big nectar I like his boast anything you can do with a normal club card I can do with my arm I've heard that a few times by many a man tell you what anything you can do with a normal club card, I can do with my arm. I've heard that a few times by many a man. Tell you what, it would make very easy.

He could take other people's points. You ever at the checkout and they go, oh, I've forgotten my card, do you want my points? He'd just have to stick his arm out. Oh, I'd love that. Like hailing a bus or a taxi. Do you have loyalty cards? Yeah, I have a nectar card and I have a boots card. This sounds like the

worst day ever. Hello, do you have loyalty cards? What's your middle name? Do you have a loyalty card? Butter or olive oil? Yes, it's not going to be a second date with this sort of chat. I have, well, I'm going to

plough the hell on. I have a boots loyalty. Yeah. Gosh. That's one everyone's got, isn't it? No. What? I have no loyalty.

Of any kind. Do you have no loyalty? Mm-mm. I'm a gun for hire. What do you think of that? Have you got a bank account? Well, that's neither here nor there.

Is he? He doesn't have a bank account. Well, that's neither here nor there. Is he? He doesn't have a bank account. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. Pierre, I'd like to know what's happening in the world of Novelli. Well... Does that sound okay to you? It sounds good.

It sounds good. Well, I was going to say, I'm a bit embarrassed. Here we go. Ah, yes. Le beurre. Non. Pas de beurre. I'm scorning Mr Mayhew and his tattooed arm,

but more fool me because I lost my wallet. And that wouldn't have affected me as much if I'd been covered in all the information that I normally need to keep in my wallet. Driver's license on my back. I mean, I was about to say, where did you lose it? I do apologize. I lost my wallet gigging in central London,

but I didn't know I'd lost it there. So I had to do a sort of mad sort of trek through all the different places I'd been over a couple of days in London because it it took me two days to notice I'd lost my wallet oh someone's doing all right for himself do you know what after I ended the link what? After I ended the link, full transparency here, I ended the link saying, we don't think he's got a bank account. And I worried that that had maybe upset Pierre,

the idea that people would think he didn't have a bank account and he was off the grid in some way. That you do have this Bear Grylls vibe to you with the shorts and all that. Yeah, I'm not at the bottom of the list of people you think have a cabin. That would be very unbranded. How would you start a fire with two sticks

in a survival course? Nominally, I know how, but I've never done it. Could you fight with a bear? I could. I don't think I'd win. We could all fight with a bear. You're quite, you're witness're quite your witness he's even saying that he's a step ahead of me my great great grandfather was known for fighting a bear

really i should say infamous in the uh he was from wales what's anymore if you look up uh facts on him that's one of them it's pretty much the only thing, really. He was known for, he was a boxer and he boxed a bear. Really? That's amazing. I'm going to look that up. Boxed a bear? Ar is bear in Welsh.

I think Ar. Oh, lovely. He boxed a bear. God. So I'm just saying. It'd be very funny if I looked up a sort of black and white picture and it was a sort of lovable Paddington style bear just getting absolutely hammered.

In a very nice duffel coat getting his face caved in in the ring with your my great grandfather who turned out to be the Marquess of Queensbury that's not the case uh so anyway over to you in your lost stolen wallet well I had to sit and sort of make a list of venues I'd been in and places I'd gone, including a Chinese restaurant in Chinatown. And then because no one, no establishment answers their landline anymore because no one rings them. Sorry, have we had no studio with Bertie Worcester? No Jeeves, no establishment answers their landline.

I sent a telegram. I had nothing back. None of these coves. Damn rummy it is. The whole dashed business, I say. But even like restaurants, bars or whatever, because no one rings them except for robots pretending to be HMRC. And what do they say?

Funny. Funny. Tax fraud. So when you ring them up and you try to get through to them, especially if they're part of a national chain, say, it's very baffled as to what on earth you could possibly want so i had to go personally round london like i felt i'll be honest that bit was quite fun i felt a bit like a hard-boiled pi yes tracking down my own lost property by hand you've got that vibe about you

but can i be honest i will you look like a bit the fugitive. You've gone rogue. Pinning them against the wall. Where is it? Do you think is he? Yeah, and I also think that Pierre Novelli is a very good name. Pierre Novelli P.I. Yes. I trust you. But he gets

my wallet. You know what I love about Pierre Novelli P.I.? He's not afraid to get his hands dirty. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. You know my dogs in the dog hotel, Country House Dog Hotel, Country Dog Hotel, they ask what music he'd like to listen to on the journey.

Oh, my God. They do. He's got preferences. How does he indicate those preferences? Well, it's got preferences. How does he indicate those preferences? Well, it's very simple. Bart wants for Chopin. Twice for reggae. It's true. We were hearing about your situation.

Ah, my hard-bitten detective film noir-style adventure through London. My hard-bitten detective film noir style adventure through London. Well, I had to go and bother people at a pub, a Chinese restaurant in Chinatown, and then a comedy venue. I like the idea of you, but did you encounter, did you call a shopper in to help you? The shopper stood loomed behind me. I got a bit of bother. So, did you retrace your steps yes went to the chinese restaurant and uh there was it was a fairly small restaurant but there was only one person in there as a as a customer but it was nevertheless behind the scenes as busy as if it was full

of course i have no idea why or how but they were it took i sat sort of looking at nothing like a sinister caller for 10 minutes while they did whatever it was they were doing. And then eventually they realized that I wasn't going to go away until they checked their lost property, which was in an attic. Wow. A sort of secret panel was pulled aside above the counter of this tiny Chinatown restaurant, and they went up a sort of weird little ladder.

And they brought down a denim wallet, and I said, No, not that. And they said, Well, go away then, and I did. It was a false alarm. They said, Yes, we have a wallet, and I sat there while they gingerly retrieved it. Did you locate the wallet eventually? It was. Where was it?

Infuriatingly, in the comedy venue where i had performed where they know who i am with my driver's license and address in and they had just decided to not tell me for two days they could have tweeted me that they had it i would have i would have got quite um i would have got upset let's let's put it that way i would have got as upset as i got with the man with the panama hat who was slowly boarding the flight last night. But were you so incredibly relieved to find it that you didn't? Yes, exactly. The relief high, it was as if they'd given me a wallet

as opposed to return my wallet. And it lasted for an hour and then I was annoyed. But by that point I was home and they were safe. Well, have we heard anything from the outside world at all that we'd like to round the show up with? Because I need to say also there's a big day

tomorrow, which I'm sure you'll be aware of. Hello, you two, you don't like football, I know, but you've got to at least pretend. Will you be watching the women's final? Yes. I will watch's final? Yes. I will watch the final as well.

I've got to go to Derby to do a preview. What time's the football? I'm not the Radio Times. Google it. Come on. Five o'clock. You know what? Ellis will be watching it.

He will, but he'll have both kids because I've got a preview in Derby at 7.30pm. Okay, so no one will be wearing trunks for it. It's, but he'll have both kids because I've got a preview in Derby at 7.30pm. Okay, so no one will be wearing trunks for it. It's fine. We can handle that. As long as there are baby ducklings

in the living room, the three of us will concentrate. I have so loved doing the show with you two this morning. I should say, Izzy,

I'm going to come and see you live. You're at the Soho Theatre between the 22nd and the 27th of August. Yes, please come. I'd love you to. And anyone else who wants to come. I'll be there. It's called Jackpot. I mean, that might not be an incentive, but I'll be

there. Deal with it. And you're on tour from September... The 20th. The 20th. Yes. And you can also go and see fabulous Pierre Novelli at the Edinburgh Fringe. And I will be coming to that as well. And that is, when is that starting again?

It's on the 2nd. My run starts on the 2nd. And it's Monkey Barrel, 6.10pm. Okay. And it's Why Can't I Just Enjoy Things? Correct. Thank you so much, both of you, for doing the show this morning. Please enjoy the football tomorrow. I think it might be coming home.

What do you think? I feel like it is. Yes. I mean, I've never heard. It's the most emphatic football. Come on. Yes. Thank you for being with us this morning.

Wonderful Frank will be back next week. Be seeing you.