The Frank Skinner Show - Shark Song

Episode Date: March 19, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank went to a school quiz and had a tooth out. The team also discuss Rod Stewart repairing potholes, household conversation pieces and celebrity special constables.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. So this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Oh, I think I felt the antibiotics kick in a bit there mid-announcement. I'm all right. I'm all right, everyone.

Do you want to say what it is now? Oh, yeah, I had a tooth out yesterday. So I'm just... Keep it vague. I don't know. When it comes to antibiotics, I believe don't keep it vague because people can assume other things.

Oh, no, no. People get judgy. It's a fight against dental infection, I believe don't keep it vague because people can assume other things. Oh, no, no. People get judgy. It's a fight against dental infection, I believe. Oh, yeah. But it all seems good at the moment. How many teeth have you got, Frank, you revealed earlier? I revealed that 11. I have 11 missing, 11 removed teeth.

Right. So I think that means I think you get 32. Like an old pug or something. I've think I've got Like an old pug or something I've got 21 teeth Like an old pug Exactly Touch for the very first time Wouldn't have been such a big hit

Would he? Like an old pug What in my house? Maybe she sings that version now I think she looks great I'm the only person left Who thinks Madonna looks great now Anyway

Text in to start the show No, yeah, we shouldn't do that Oh, listen, I've got to tell you this I have to tell you this Now, this begins with a little walk down memory lane When I first started doing comedy back in the 80s I used to do regular gigs in Tipton in the West Midlands. Tipton was a place famous for rag and bone men,

a great population of rag and bone men. Not as in, I'm only human, but as in, hey, all right? Hey, all right? Sounds fairly similar. And people used to, the thing that people used to say is that a horse in the front garden used to be the regular uh motif of the tiptonian anyway i spent a lot of time in tipton at a pub called mad o'rourke's pie factory okay this is going somewhere crucial it was a pub it was a

pub yeah but they made them it was a name yeah it was pickusing name. Yeah, it was. Pick a lane. Pick a lane pub. They used to sell these massive pies with horns on the top made of pastry called Desperate Damn Pies. It was massive. Brilliant. Massive. They were great.

Oh, they were great. They sound great. So anyway, I spent a lot of time in Tipton to the point where the only thing now I can be really weakened by if I'm captured by my enemies is Tiptonite which is rock from the Tipton area so anyway I had an

nerd from the pub I'm talking about like 1988 anyway I got a message from the Pope saying can we send you some pies and I said well is the Pope Argentine I said

so so they sent me nine pies in a box like you know steak pie there was a vegetarian pie chicken and they are fabulous the pastry is Like, you know, steak pie. There was a vegetarian pie. Chicken. They are fabulous.

The pastry is... Anyway, so lovely. I ate the pies. Great. And obviously they're on a thing of trying to publicise by sending, you know, sending pies. Celebrity pies. Like I might talk about them on the radio. To be honest, I had them last week.

I forgot to talk about them on the radio. But what honest, I had him last week. I forgot to talk about him on the radio. But what made me think about it is this week I had another box of pies arrive. It's had my address on, obviously, because it arrived at my house. But the name on it was Lenny Henry. So I think they've obviously thought, they've written to Lenny Henry, can we send you some pies? Yes, please. Please don't say you ate Lenny Henry's pies. Well, they won't keep, you see.

But then I saw him on Comic Relief last night. He looked very thin. I felt guilt. That's because I've had his pies, the poor thing. But yes, so I'm talking into Lenny Henry's pies. So Lenny Henry's thinking, Madder, I ought to let me down. Where's me pies? Oh, right.

I think they'll last me just about until Adrian Childs' pies arrive. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The pie factory also does a fantastic mixed grill served on a shovel. On a shovel, lovely. That's Christian Wensbury. Wensbury. Wensbury. Yeah. Wensbury was where West Bromwich Albion bought their first football

in the days when they were West Bromwich Strollers. Obviously, I'd kept that name. Adorable. It's very apt at times. That reminds me, me and Eddie Izzard was doing gigs in Sweden again in the 80s. And we went to a restaurant and it said steak on a plank. And we went to a restaurant and it said steak on a plank. And we were laughing about, obviously it meant something else in Swedish and all that,

but it was laughing about it. The way people used to laugh at, you know, foreign words and stuff in the old days. And then when it turned up it was steak on a plank, it was actually on a plank of wood. Oh, was it? Absolutely correct. Yeah, it was all right. Very nice very nice thank you i'd fear splinters yeah well that was always a danger do you mean the rat from teenage mutant yeah turtles actually didn't it get changed to hero turtles because ninjas were considered too violent oh sorry about that that was a bad day in your house.

I used to do a stand-up routine about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Did you? Well, he had one ear, the rat, Splinter, and he was the only one who wasn't named after a famous artist. That felt like a trick had been missed. Yeah. Anyway, oh, I did a quiz this week.

School quiz. Oh. With a team of other parents, some of which I knew, some of which I didn't, and we damn well won it. It was great. And what was the nature of the quiz? Was it general knowledge? Well, I'll give you a little.

I think my great, you know when you do well in a quiz, you go home and lie in bed and just, what I do, I think about my best moments. And then I honestly do this. I'm not saying this for comic effect. I imagine getting some of the questions that no one else got. So I've done that. I fantasize about it. I mean, it's the most pathetic thing.

I'm going to guess that a lot of the other parents were taking it less seriously than this. Well, no, they might have been pretending to take it. But my great, my best moment, I'm going to be straight with you, was name a year in which both Sir Isaac Newton and Galileo Galilei were alive. Wow.

So I was pretty pleased with that. And I worked it out via Milton's Paradise Lost. I mean, out loud, out loud to the... It was like watching someone throw a pot. It was fantastic. You got it to the exact year. That's fabulous. No, I didn't.

You were allowed six years either way. Oh, you were allowed six. Okay. Can you do that? Don't spoil it by questioning me. I can hear it because I have no idea. I would guess something stupid like 1984, which is wrong. Well, in Paradise Lost, Milton talks about meeting Galileo.

And Milton was part of the English rebels that fought to get Cromwell. Absolute radio. Exactly. So that's going to put it in the 1640s, because the restoration of the monarchy is 1660. You've got to come back about 18 years from there. Anyway, look, it was lovely. I like that.

But you see, have you done that, Frank, with I'm a Celebrity? I mean, I know you've actually been on, not I'm a Celebrity, but I'll say I'm a Millionaire. I know you've actually been on it, but I do sometimes fantasise about getting the million pound question and my tone, and I'll say, well, the good news is, you know, I have a whole spiel for it. Oh, yeah.

Well, the way, because me and dave won 250 000 and then we didn't know the 500 000 question it was um what is what flower is the national symbol of japan chrysanthemum yeah we didn't know that but i have fantasized knowing it several times anyway here's the here's a question for you. If the person on your left says, thank you, I won't ask you to do that again, please continue, what have you just done? Framing Witches has got in touch. Oh, yeah.

Just got in from a run and turned the wireless on. I mean, already I'm loving Framing Witches has got in touch. Oh, yeah. Just got in from a run and turned the wireless on. I mean, already I'm loving Framing Witches. And Frank is talking about Milton's Paradise Lost again. Oh, sorry, guys. All is right with the world on this glorious, sunny Saturday morning. Lovely. Oh, see. We've sort of seen it as a Saturday morning radio show and podcast,

poetry podcast crossover, aren't we? Well, it was a... Yeah. There was a purpose to it, though. Also, we don't normally read praise, but I read that because I would see it as more in praise of Milton. It's allowed. No, he doesn't get enough on commercial radio.

I always think that. Terrible PR, Milton. Milton. Milton. You asked a question. You a question what was it oh yes if the person on your left says thank you I won't ask you to do that again please carry on what have you just done okay and I think we've got an answer from one of our readers. We have. Marcus Watkin says, an emergency stop during a driving test. Yes, that's what they say after an emergency stop. I saw, did I tell you I saw an advert in the paper,

a half-page advert for learning to be a driving instructor. Oh, what year was it, 1974? They had quotes. It's been a while back, but even so, they had quotes it's been a while back but even so they had quotes from uh people who've to change their life learning to be a driving instructor and one bloke said i took this course blah blah blah and i've never looked back and i thought well that's a terrible confession for a driving instructor they have mirrors i think they're still looking back, though, isn't it? He suggests he just pulls out nubs for the best. Anyway, we won the quiz and the prize was a packet of seeds each.

Is that right? Yeah. And they were wildflower seeds. Right. So you can grow wildflowers in your garden. Apparently bees are a bit partial. OK. That's what you want i mean

it's not what i would have expected did you get to see a packet each or did you have no no we got a packet each we didn't have to we didn't have to like pick them out and you know take them home in a rat in a tissue that would have been awful no it was uh it wasn't the winning office oh you know it was the winning yeah yeah oh yes i. I had a strange thing the other day when my son went to bed. My wife and I ended up, instead of watching something on television or Netflix or whatever,

for some reason, we ended up having an impromptu quiz where I would... That's lovely. I would say the name of a country and she would have to guess the population. I mean, really good fun. I don't know how it happened, but it was-

See, that's one of the expressions of love that you don't often hear used. Two people who can just sit and do that. Yeah, she was terrible at it, I must say. Well, now you've spoiled it a little bit. Clever woman, but oh, my goodness, really bad at guessing the populations of countries. Did you give her within a sort of, you know, a million?

No, she had to get it exactly right. That's the Alan Cochran quiz. That was the difficult thing. It's quite hard to know exactly. Yeah, Al was there with births and deaths app the figures

were changing as it were I'll tell you one of the questions there was a question this is my

last question I'm going to describe it was the world a map of the world and some

countries were covered coloured red some blue some green and some black and you had to say what it signified oh and it was really everyone was a real brain teaser and it was um i'm going to say collars of passports in those countries i mean very clever try that on the missus. I will. It was... Anyway, that's enough quiz.

Try that on the missus. It's all kind of a pile of plank. Remember, I'm trying to get north with Al. It's the tip tonight. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Ultra Magnus says, if I'd have won a quiz only to find out that the prize was a packet of seeds, I'd have kicked off.

Not violently, just pass ag. You're a better man than me, Frank. Yeah, well, I think it was a charity-based thing as well. So, you know. Fair enough. To me, the victory is everything that that's a lot of texting i'm going to read it to you i won't give you any spoilers uh one for two morning frank and the team i was on one of the teams that got the passport question right oh wow i was replaying that one

all night well done on your winning. Well done on your winning. Oh, dear. What if they'd said you didn't win it? It's an absolute lie. And I'd made it all up. I'd climbed to have won it. Verification. I didn't think anyone got the basketball.

Quite a defeat there, 142. Yeah, that's brilliant, though. Well done. Well done, you. Oh, I like 142. We'd be a lovely friend for you, fam. What do you think? Yeah, well, you never know, do you?

As you know, I'm not great on the friends thing. No, but it would be nice because you could keep the correspondence virtual. Yeah, there is that. It's better that way. Yeah. Wasn't that one of the Tracy brothers in Thunderbirds? Oh, that was Virgil.

So, listen, when I had my tooth out, I was thinking, I don't know if I mentioned this before, you know we used to have Whatever Happened To on this show? It sort of went,

Whatever Happened To Neuralgia. What happened to that? Do you remember it? It used to be like a sort of an ache in the whole side of your face and it was right up there with toothache as you know one of the common domestic ailments yeah i don't think i've heard it was like blur versus oasis toothache and neuralgia new roucher and I think it's

gone hasn't it who's the last person who said even earache I haven't heard anyone say I've got earache unless I've been talking to them about Milton's Paradise Lost oh it's Kath

she gets earache a lot but it's usually it's always an infection I've got an ear infection Oh yeah It used to just be Ache Tummy ache

Yeah I've got a digestive Well belly ache Well yeah No but you don't get Tummy ache now But New Roja No

It took the best Of toothache And earache And combined it Into one Double whammy Greatest hit. Yes.

It was the original crossover hit. Yeah, it really was. It was, yeah. New Ralgia brought together the best of both worlds. It was, okay, Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel, they had good solo careers, but when they were together. The feuds, I mean, the feuds were terrible. I know, but Newalger managed to unite those

two in a peaceful thing i wonder what's new ralger's equivalent of bridge over troubled water what was its best moment perhaps the queen had it or something like that frank was telling me he had some lovely music played all during his dental procedure, didn't you? Well, I had like, you know that sort of shark song? No, it's whale song. I don't think sharks don't sing to that. Oh, don't they go da-da-na-na-na, da-da-na-na-na? That whale song sort of non-music stuff that you get when you're being massaged.

Ooh. Yeah. Ooh. I think the idea is you think, I don't mind if I don't survive this, if this is what the world is like. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

Anne McNeill. According to the NHS website, neuralgia still going strong. Oh. Well, can I say not just according to the NHS website, according to several people that have texted us who've got neuralgia. It's temporary, though, isn't it? Par example, 162.

Hi, Frank and the team. I've got trigeminal neuralgia. it's dreadful and definitely still a thing it's very much the modern world they've had to put some big word on the front of it neuralgia isn't good enough for them 096 reneuralgia dear all i love. I love Derole. Yeah. Trigeminal. Another trigeminal. Neuralgia, a.k.a. faceache, is alive and well in our house. Oh, OK. Well, look, I'm not... I wasn't making light of it.

I'm sorry if anyone's suffering. I mean, we don't actually know that they've got the medical one. They could just mean that they're parents of teenagers, and faceache is like a nickname for a sort of sulking Well at least it's the cleaner version of the aches of the popular aches Yeah exactly

But I know what you mean, it's not something you regularly hear people saying it used to be very much a thing or a minorality I've got a bit of a minorality I think what we used to do is we'd put a towel, like a tea towel around a hot water bottle and hold it at the side of our head like it was a massive wobbly mobile phone.

Before mobile phones, we didn't even know we were. It's like no one ever told Shakespeare he had a head like a light bulb. So we'd do that and the heat was supposed to cure it. So try that on your trimurals, whatever it's called. Trigeminal. You might need three. You might need three hot water bottles for the try. Okay.

Trigeminal. Wow, what does that even mean? Do people still use hot water bottles? Only for neuralgia. Is this show, can it just be rewritten, do people still use her water bottles um only for neuralgia is this show can it just be rechristened to people still i say you know we all need someone to talk about i was i was actually you know this thing on the only one is essex is that they used to give it was not scripted as such, but they'd give them bullet points of things to talk about in this scene. And I thought that so many people would benefit

if that was a government thing, that you could get an email every day with a few bullet points of things to talk about. I think people, that's so helpful. You wouldn't get all those silences on the bus and stuff. People would get their bullet sheet thing out on the phone and say, what about the Bermuda Triangle? That was a mystery, if ever there was one.

I love it on script. I believe, is it called scripted reality? Which seems like, I'm not sure you can quite get away with that. I think my reality is relatively scripted. But I like it when they attempt to make it sound spontaneous. They'll be sitting in a restaurant and saying, So, have you been speaking to Rick recently? That was like when you got interviewed by Des O'Connor.

And what he was basically doing was setting you up for gags. And he'd say, So, have you had any problems with neighbours using power tools? Just like that. Oh, Des, can we just be a bit vaguer? No, I'll tell you what people used to have, and I'll tell you what, I'd love to hear if anyone has got one of these,

accidentally or deliberately, a conversation piece in their house. People used to come in and say, oh, that's it. And they would start the conversation off for the night. used to come in and say oh that's it and then they would start the conversation off for the night yeah i used to have um a framed frank sinatra gig ticket because i'd seen frank sinatra at the albert hall and people would come in and say oh they look at you first of all like you must be older than they thought and then uh and then it sets you off straight away and i don't know if

people still um have them but if anyone, any and one of our readers has got in their house what they might call a conversation piece, I'd love to know what it is. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can text the show on 8, 12, 15. Go on. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. At used to be just such a minor word when I was growing up. It hardly got noticed and now it's become central to our communication systems. Well done you.

Frank, you were talking... Sorry, go on. You were talking about great conversation pieces. Kim and Kim, I have a great conversation piece, especially for new friends. A husband who is 23 years younger than me.

Oh! Yes, I meant conversation that happens while they're round there, not while they're in the car on the way home. Yeah, yeah. So much. But that's a very good one, I must say. Yeah. Fabulous.

Kimmy says it's a surefire way to get the conversation started I can imagine well some people I've seen a trophy case used before as a conversation

but it's actual trophy husband why not well done you also offered some neuralgia advice a few moments ago

you said Frank you said the hot water bottle yes and the 162 has replied Frank is right I do try the hot water bottle on my face it does dull the pain for a short while and then they add and I think this is useful information because we did wonder about what trigeminal was yes it it says uh trigeminal is the nerve that runs across the face it has three branches oh that makes complete sense good info and emily dean asked if anybody still uses hot water bottles i've got a bit of a confession i still use them uh of an evening and on a saturday morning when i do this show I get up and I make myself a cup of

coffee and with the water that's left in the kettle I then put it into a hot water bottle and bring it down to my cellar with me that's from our regular spot Alan Cochran's why it's not what not I'll just pop it in the back of my hoodie and I'll have it on my shoulder the back of your hoodie that's very personal I can feel the it in the back of my hoodie and I'll have it on my shoulder. The back of your hoodie? It's very cursed. I can feel the tightening of the zip against my Adam's apple. Frank, why Channel 5 not commissioned Alan Cochran's waist? Look, it's just a matter of time.

I think it would be great. Co-hosted by Frugal Sharky. Oh, man. I've never heard of the hot water bottle in the hood. I've never put anything in it. I remember on the boss. It's not quite in my hood. It's in the back of my hoodie,

just sort of leaning against my left shoulder. Oh, I see. Sometimes it's a bit achy. Do you use the hoodie as a sort of rucksack? I remember sometimes on the bus, if you were wearing a coat with a hood on, sometimes when you got home, there was like waste paper and wrappers in it

put in by mischievous schoolboys who were sitting behind you. Best thing you've found in your hood post-bus journey. That's a public transport, generally. 8, 12, 15. Other conversation starters, we have

I mean, I'm in two minds, I've got to be honest, as to how tasteful and appropriate. This is from Harvey Dent. Sorry, Harvey Dent was Two-Face in Batman. Carry on. Mobs has said mother-in-law's ashes as an egg timer.

Ooh. How do we feel about that? Well... I like that. I like the sense of time as well about it, about, you know, passing and things. Memento mori. Yeah, I like that. I like the sense of time as well about it, about, you know, passing and things. Memento mori. Yeah, I like that.

Stoics would like it. I knew an old Irish guy who told me that he'd met a lady at a dance. He was, like, 60-odd and took her home for an evening of love. And he said... LAUGHTER It wasn't.

Sounds more like lust to me but whatever well maybe but she she said he got up she got up at one point went to the other side

of the room and then came back again and then later in the encounter he said what did you where did you go when you got up

she said oh I turned my husband's ashes so that the front was facing against the wall um discretion it's everything in modern life frank skinner on absolute radio 102 has uh has texted us a brief anecdote about neuralgia. I'll get settled. My top neuralgia moment on a David Bellamy programme. He drank a cold drink and winced his head and scrunched his eyes

and blurted out, instant neuralgia! In an extreme version of his own voice. Lots of love, Steve. Oh, that's good. And when he came back on after the break, you could just detect the handle of a water bottle in the beard. Just nestling. Now, he was a man who was oft done impression,

oft impressed, what's the word? Oh, yeah. Impersonated. Well, he was a man who's oft done impression, oft impressed, what's the word? Oh, yeah. Impersonated. Well, he was in the top three. It was Bellamy, Prince Charles. I won a talent competition as a young person with stolen impressions of Frank Spencer, David Bellamy and Tommy tommy cooper i think i think we're gonna

have to have a come on they're the big three aren't they come on now i can't even remember them now i had jokes and everything oh did you didn't just do the voice oh oh no they would have all been lifted oh jimmy cricket was the other other, not Tommy Cooper. You know, I did one in a Birmingham nightclub, a John Wayne impression. Oh, I fell ill. And I sort of got up and said... I don't think I can hear this. It makes me feel absolutely sick.

Ow, ow. I want to do it. Ow, can you hold it? Have you done Johnny Cash and Ian McMillan? That'll be the day. And I did a bit of that, you know. Get off your horse. It was all right.

And then a bloke got up. Was it? It was good. And a bloke got up, dropped his trousers and shouted Birmingham City Kings of Europe. Was that David Baddiel? He was second. He was honestly second in the competition.

Oh, well, it's all different. Oh, I also, I won a Mick Jagger impersonating impression at... It's a show just turning into you telling us when you came second. We're waiting for you to tell us what impression competition you won. This was the Radio 1 Roadshow at Eastbourne. Wow. And I won an album called, by Jigsaw called Sky High.

That was my prize. Give me the seeds. I was going to say. John Hopkins. Hop. Again, we're still on conversation pieces. My nan inexplicably used to have a huge portrait

of Danny DeVito in the hallway of her bungalow. I think she wanted to bingo. She wanted what? I think she wanted to bingo. Oh, OK. That is... What's the chances of that? I'd love to know...

Was he in a role was he like as the penguin or something or just it was just that's great one of the best

grandma conversation pieces I've ever heard of you know when randomness becomes a thing of true beauty that is what that is

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Tom's a thing of true beauty. That is what that is. Oh, I was going to introduce the show, and it's not that time. I'm eating a... I'm just eating a Bircher Muesli that the AP just got. Actually, I knew a bloke called Bertram, usually, in the S&M community. Lovely chap. We've got various textings running today. Yeah.

I'm going to move on. No, yeah. 348. Sorry, I was just trying to remember the safe word. We ended up with an impromptu texting about what's been in your hoodie. I didn't think anyone would answer that, I must say. I mean, that was a sort of a rhetorical texting. That's brilliant that people have replied.

That's somewhat lit up the switchboard, as I like to say. I'll start with the cutest of them um and then we'll get to some of the more uh you know mischievous ones uh 348 has texted while working from home during lockdown we got a new kitten called sydney oh i used to wear my hoodie backwards and have sydney in the hood while i was working, imagine the dander rising up into your face from a cat that close. Actually, my reaction was, oh, there we go.

I mean, I'm not really a cat person. I'm allergic. To me, that would be a form of torture if someone tied me in a room with a reversed hoodie with a kitten in the front. Tell you what, though, you've got to make an exception for David Baddiel's cats. David Baddiel has got fabulous cats.

They still make me cry and give me a sore throat. Yeah, but, you know, so does he. So does a lot of relationships, you mean. That is true. Anyway, yes? Would you like to hear this contribution to conversation pieces from habitual line ste Line Stepper. Yes.

He sounds a nice friend for you, Frank. Okay. A photo, this is his conversation piece, a photo of my father in full Papua New Guinean tribal wear with the two brides he was gifted by the village elder. Wow. I'll leave that with you. I'm trying to picture what that would be like.

If you want to send us a photo of that. Do you think it's in a village, in situ, or do you think it's with one of those local photographer's smoky backgrounds you used to get on all working class photos i find my bigger missed grandfather is quite a good conversation piece yeah yeah he's not he's not at your house you didn't have him stuffed if i had the tipton slashes monkey in my house I feel I don't know about conversation so much as screaming hysteria I am I a man came to mind our dog this week because we were we were out and he's very nice chap and I went to the cat said you've got to go

and show him the monkey. He listens to the show. He wants to see the monkey. And I said, no, I don't want to show people the monkey in case they don't like it. And she said, no, he's like it. He's a lovely chap. You didn't show me that same respect.

So I said, I don't want to show him. She said, no, come on, please. I promised him. So I went to the door. I said, look, this is against. I've been told I've got to do this. And I've never heard him swear before. And then when I showed him the monkey, he did some quite class A swearing.

And I said, well, it wasn't my idea. My partner forced me into it. Obviously, the monkey wasn't my idea. Who do you think I am? Charles Darwin? I'm still on conversation pieces. I'm not letting this go. That's OK.

David Robinson. Yes. We have a chair that was made for Beyonce Knowles. Great use of Knowles there. Wow. Yeah, I love... Not enough people use the surname on Beyonce. I think Madonna Ciccione.

Beyonce Knowles. She never used it in the end, but we call it the Beyonce chair there's a bigger story to this isn't there is he a chair manufacturer who had an order how do you envisage that happening Frank

I like I think you might be able to maybe it was got especially for some event and then she didn't like the look of it who knows I imagine she's Especially for some event and then she didn't like the look of it. Who knows? I imagine she's a woman of strong opinions. Oh, you think she didn't like the chair?

No, yeah, just not her kind of chair. Brendan Eyre, a signed picture of Anne Widdicombe. That's cool. That's challenging, isn't it? That's been put up solely for that. I've got a signed picture of Danny LaRue, actually. I wonder if I should get that out of Mothballs. Well, I've got a signed picture from Frank Bruno saying, To Emma, lots of love, F Bruno.

That's nice. Someone was telling me this week that Frank Lampard, I don't know, had somehow announced his support for the Conservative Party. And now, now that he's the Everton manager, the Liverpool fans refer to him as Frankie de Tory. Well done, guys. That's top stuff.

I love a top leaf. Yeah, that sort of terrorist comedy, it's a bit less common than you might think mainly it's abuse but occasionally you get a clever one that's a good thing oh yeah um we've also had a hood anecdote not an anecdote from the hood like the uh 002 uh someone whose phone number n002 morning frank emily and alan probably only frank will remember this but on the hood of the parker jacket in the 70s was a strap and buckle and i remember that actually on the bus if you distracted the kid

wearing such a jacket you could undo the strap and buckle and then tie it around one of the vertical handholds on the bus. So when said kid tried to leave the bus, he was hilariously stuck. I saw that. It was like a sort of handcuff. I saw it done with a girl's hair on the 120 bus. Wow. And she got up, went, ow!

And then couldn't reach back and untie it. She made you that reaction. For any young people, bullying used to take place offline in a sort of more in-the-flesh version like these stories. I think this was not... I think this was friends of hers.

It was prank-leveled. Can I just quickly... You couldn't do it now with extensions. This was Friends of hers. It was prank-leveled. Can I just quickly... You couldn't do it now with extensions. That could go very wrong, couldn't it? Oh, no, just rip them out. Frank, John Moran, this is Conversation Peace. A dartboard with an 80s picture of Jimmy Tarbuck and Cilla Black.

The gap in Tarbuck's teeth is placed strategically over the bull. Great talking point and a great stress reliever. Seems a bit unkind to two of our great all-round entertainers. That's what I would have said. Yeah, come on, guys. I would like to talk to you guys about a subject that is quite close to my heart and angers me. And that's potholes in the road. You know potholes? Oh yeah, we all know.

You drive over them and it makes you jolt. Not just any. We all know. When you drive over them and it makes you jolt. Not just any. Some in the south of England this week were filled in by none other than Sir Rod Stewart. Oh, I love Sir Roderick. I didn't even know he was a Sir Rod,

but how great is that? I think he's been knighted for this incident. Well, he's damned. He should be. They've rushed one through for it. He should be. great is that he I think he's been knighted for this for this incident well he's down yeah they've rushed one through fast track due to potholes like when Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize the day after getting the job well I don't near enough the day after I am I didn't know you could do sort of vigilante road repairs. You can't.

You can't. And he will get told off for it. He will, definitely. Not Rod. Not Sir Rod Drake. I mean, he probably put a video out, didn't he? I have to say, in Rod's defence, should I be called as a character witness?

I hope you are. I mean, there's potholes and there's potholes. That road was an absolute disgrace it was oh man speaking truth to power on absolute yeah it was almost just potholes that road but yeah in case you don't know

Rod got some of his friends and they got gravel I think some of the gravel he uses for gargling. They took it out there and they did... I mean, if you haven't seen it... Please do. Who knew that Rod Stewart, Sir Rod Stewart,

had a high-vis jacket? Oh, I love it. And also, can you go out and buy a men at work sign? Because he had a proper men at work. He didn't just have that. He had so much equipment. I saw a cone.

I saw a cone. I don't want to wealth shame you, Frank, but I think with Rod Stewart's money, you can buy anything. I think he's different league and I think you know. Do you think he arrived on one of those trucks with an arrow on the back

telling you you've got to go to the left I'd love if he's got one of those I don't know maybe it was going like a eee eee eee as he was reversing but I have to say I mean I love Rod anyway. Always love Rod, always will.

I think the train set really won me over. Oh, yes, of course. I thought that was great. I mean, actually, I associate him with all the transport. I associate him with many train sets, sailing, and now with road repairs. I wonder if he wears the high-vis when he's operating the railway. You fairly ought.

I hope he wears it on stage. I'd be up for that. Oh, of course. He's one of your lot, Al. He's colourblind, isn't he, Rod? Is he? Because part of the railway thing was someone went to Rod's house and the grass was red on his row, I think.

We shouldn't laugh. I mean, it's a disability of sorts. I looked at his Instagram page and he posted this video. And what I like is, firstly, he puts on a slightly cockney accent, which I like, a bit more cockney than usual. He says, well, I haven't bothered to do this, so we're going to have to do it. Wasn't it a bit dull, boy?

Yeah, it was a bit. Why not, Rod? Why not? But I like that, have you noticed on Rod's Insta bio, he has a brilliant thing written on it. He says, wake up, Maggie. I think I've got something to Instagram.

Very fine. Dis Instagram. Very fine. Discuss. Very fine. Yeah. The Daily Mirror's headline was Rod gets his asphalt. Oh, come on. Actually, it wasn't. That was mine.

Oh, God. I was trying to blame it on someone else in case the teacher didn't like it. Friendship on Absolute Radio. Anyway, this is Frank Skinner, man of a thousand voices on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean. Well, okay, with Emily Dean

and Alan Cochran, you can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via frank at absolute radio.co.uk frank i know we're not allowed to read out praise however i have to say there's something we received which has given me all the feels because it's not totally sure what that means but okay well stay with me okay it's from... I'm not totally sure what that means. Okay, well, stay with me. Okay. It's from our dear friend, your dear friend, David Baddiel and mine.

Oh, yes. And I love this. He quoted you, Rod Stewart got some of his friends and some gravel, the same gravel I think he uses for gargling. And he said, Frank, just now on Rod's vigilante pothole fixing, making me laugh out loud. And I just love that. That is nice, isn't it? Love it. Lol. Just now on Rod's Vigilante Pothole Fixing, making me laugh out loud. And I just love that.

That is nice, isn't it? Love it. Lol. I made him lol. I thought I'd share that with you because it warmed my heart. Perhaps I should share this back. Dave used to host a school quiz in Camden and I spoke to someone the other night who'd been to it this year and

Dave doesn't do it anymore and he said someone on the table said to him it's alright but it's not like when David Baddiel used to do it he was great so I meant to tell him that but I thought I'd tell him on air now so he's praised you on the national radio you've praised the quiz well I've shared

yes but it's every every every gig is a big gig this is true well as i say i'm all over it this bromance um we're discussing we are discussing rod stewart we've just been going through off air um rod's rod's various partners over the years because rod was one of the one of the pioneers of, I think, what the Daily Mail called carbon mating. Right. Which is like, it's a pun on carbon copies. And it's when you go out with a string of people who all look the same.

Yeah. Look, I went out with a succession of... Oh, this could be awkward. Okay, maybe I won't tell that story. No, no, go on, please do. Well, they all had short, blonde, peroxide blonde hair. But some of them, I'm realising now, didn't start with it. I talked them into it.

This has all gone a bit like Alfred Hitchcock's Vertigo. Let's leave it there. Anyway, I always thought that Rod went out with women that looked the same because he just couldn't be bothered to change his girlfriend avatar on his Wii. Practical. What I think it's part of with Rod, if you don't mind me being so bold, is that he does like to deliver on the rock star lifestyle. He has the Rolls Royce or Bentley or whatever it is.

But one of the things he said about this, about the potholes, was that an ambulance had burst a tyre on this road. He said, and I can't get my Ferrari down there at all. And he did seem to treat both complaints with equal wit, didn't he? He did, I was like, what? He said, I mean, an ambulance tyre's burst, I can't get my Ferrari down there. It did remind me of this, my favourite photograph of all time,

which is Elvis at the scene of a road accident. I can't even hear this. When he used to sit in Graceland with his mates listening to police radio and if there was an incident

because he had a police badge from the local sheriff Elvis would go out and there's Elvis at night at the scene of a car crash in a full

length leather jacket and shades holding a massive torch. It is honestly it's a work of art. I'd love to get like a big, that would be a conversation

piece for your wall wouldn't it? Elvis at the scene of a road accident. Oh man. Very much. Oh, man. Very much. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Quick stop off from Lee Wainwright for a conversation piece.

He sent us a photograph of the biscuit barrel that he has that Del Boy kept his cigars in. No. It's not the actual one, is it? I believe so. Wow. I don't know. Lee, could you clear this up please thank you so much good bit of tv memorabilia there i didn't even know that he had a biscuit tin he kept his cigars in no i saw a bar in i think marbella where they'd got one of those three-wheeler cars. They'd sort of fixed it up high on the roof above the door. And it said something like, Delboys or something like that.

It wouldn't allude me. I've got to be straight. But you never know. There's no Lineker's in Port-au-Venus. No, very popular. We were talking about Rod Stewart. And he did some pothole fixing, didn't he? It's quite an unusual story.

It reminds me of that time when Bert Bacharach was doing spot welding on local lampposts. I don't know if you remember that one. And if anyone stopped to talk to him, he'd just say, walk on by. Lovely. Apparently. He said, he'd just say, walk on by. Lovely. Apparently. He said,

a quote from Rod, filling holes is good for the soul. Alright, everyone. We've all had a drink. I wish he'd stopped saying that. He's been saying that for years. Okay, everyone. 1016 on Absolute Radio, Frank.

But if I'm correct, didn't Rod used to be a gravedigger? Frank... I think that's the... I love that you know that, because I know a lot of information about him, because he's a Highgate boy, which is my manner. Oh, yeah. And you're absolutely right.

He was a gravedigger in Highgate Cemetery. So he's been filling holes professionally for probably 50 years. Yeah. I think they dig the holes of the grave diggers. Don't they fill them in after? I think the funeral people... If you want to know, I'll tell you all about it afterwards, OK? Do you...

Penny Lancaster... In Penny Lancaster, there is a barber selling photographs Very good Frank but she is Rod's wife and it's not current, I think forever wife they seem very happy I am obsessed by her

I'd go so far, yes, I love that woman can I tell you why? She's become a police officer Al No Yes I mean yes husband's worth whatever is 300 million she's decided she does 4 a.m. night shifts as well Wow she's a special constable I love this woman and And she's a proper, not like when the royals are in the army. It's a proper thing.

Wow. How brilliant. Because they're all so tall, of course, Rod's carbon mates. So she was probably diverting traffic while he was doing the bar holes. She got any white gloves? She was doing a reality show called famous and fighting crime and she thought I love this I want to do this

full time for a living that's great obsessed lover are there any other celebrity special constables at 12.15 I'd love to know the answer to that it's so far as Penny, Lancaster and Elvis

are the only ones who've got involved in that Yeah, well Elvis took it very Elvis had police badges for states all over the USA and a special drug Well we know about that Frank Let's not focus on that He had a badge, like an anti-drug agency badge. Rather unfortunate.

Oh, dear. Play a song. It's very unfortunate. OK, OK, I'll play it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I had a text from our former producer on the show. Oh, lovely Daisy. She's now upstairs. She's upstairs.

I think she's overseas. You make it sound like, are you being served? And she said, I heard a nominative determinism thing the other day. You know, the idea that your name leads you into the job. And this bloke is a professor of language oh yeah and he's called a christian or it could be yeah it could be a woman i suppose christian linguist i mean that's extraordinary that i think that really that's like finding out that nick ferrari had stolen rod stewart's car We've had some, we've had people sending us in celebrities who have worked in the police force. We've honestly got that. Fantastic. Al, do you want

to, do you want to kick off with? I think the name that is coming up most frequently from various texters is Nigel Mansell was a special constable on the isle of man when he lived there was he really because the tash that used to be a very police thing the tash yes very much and 831 has said apparently as he wasn't a regular he wasn't qualified to drive the squad cars which seems something of a waste that that does seem but i suppose in pulling people out of a speedy yeah david coultard told me that he had a smart car that he's so did he can you believe that yes i can from you i can it's very sort of thing i definitely uh we've also had re danger 66 david lee roth used to work with the new york ambulance department if i'm not mistaken Re-Danger 66 David Lee Roth

used to work with the New York Ambulance Department if I'm not mistaken I don't know if this is some joke that I've missed

perhaps it is I don't think so okay sounds good we've also had 923 we're reaching a bit here but that's okay

I'm happy to reach on the subject of celebrities is this going to be Cannon and Ball played police officers in a film no it's the son of celebrities... Is this going to be a Cannon and Ball played police officers in a film? No, it's the son of Alvin Stardust.

Oh, well. Right. He was the only man who could ever reach me. Oh. Was the son of Alvin Stardust. Oh, yes, he was. He says we used to have an SC, he calls it. I like SC.

Special constable. Who used to come with our shift. He was the son of Alvin Stardust, who I believe was a DJ who went by the name of Adam F. Well, I bumped into Jimmy Cricket's son, and he was training for the priesthood.

I believe he became a priest, yeah. Did he? Good news. I know his daughter a little. Oh, do you? Jimmy Cricket, I see who wrote to me about something. Oh, that's a funny joke, isn't it? It began by saying, it's been very cold just lately. I opened the wardrobe the other day

and my jacket was wearing one of my overcuts. Fabulous. I love a letter starting with the weather and then turning into a joke. I had that, Frank, with my letter from Arthur Miller. Oh, here we go. I'm sorry you got... You had to top my Jimmy Cricket.

We're from different worlds. It said, dearest Emily, dearest. Did he? Arthur Miller. It's very warm here in New York currently. Yeah, that's what happens when you marry Marilyn Monroe. Phew, I'm just loose. I'm holding my collar.

I'm doing that thing when you hold your collar out and go, phew. Oh, you've got a letter. Have you still got that letter? Yeah, I've got it, Frank. Fantastic. Oh, is it a conversation piece? Frank, it's my conversation piece. That's great work.

Well, I might get cricket behind glass. That'd be great. See how that goes. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We have a section of the show where we discuss things that people have replied about things that we previously discussed. God, I didn't follow that and I know what he means. Now, sometimes stuff is so interesting on the show

that we get letters in the week about it. I'm saying letters as if I was doing points of view. I'll give you an example. Go on. Hot off the press. Last week you were discussing what people always carry with them. You know, I think we had some funny news clippings

that people had in their wallet for years and years. And Neil Smith has got in touch. I carry the key card to the hotel room I spent my wedding night in 13 years ago hotel is no longer there but marriage still alive and well i mean i like that if you have the choice yeah there is that's lovely actually in fact i realized now and i'd forgotten this that um my partner kath used to work at channel four i mean when i first met 4. I mean, when I first met her, I think. No, not when I first met her, but shortly after.

And, in fact, when I first met her, she was working for my management agency, and I think we weren't supposed to fraternise. Anyway, so I've still got her security card with her picture on, which is in my wallet all the time. Oh, that's rather cute. It is. Less cute.

Where is Noel Edmonds? If ever you want my attention, always begin the topic with less cute. And I'm thinking, now we're in my area. Where is Noel Edmonds? Oh, yes, I remember that. I don't think that was a deliberate texting,

but I think we were talking about it. Can I just say the producer's dancing in the corner. She's swaying rather dramatically. She's got a silent disco going on. Where is Noel Edmonds? We wanted to know the answer. Chris has told us he's located Edms morning crank and team is he a private detective chris noel edmunds is now living in new zealand he's and he's set up a radio station for

plants wow i don't think that's a joke because you know he was talking about one for dogs i believe was he i think so yeah Do you remember that, Al? Yeah, I think he's mainly specialising in non-human radio ideas. Aren't we all, dear? I think the good thing about that is there's quite a lot of space to be filled. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's not a well-ploughed field, is it, non-human radio?

People do talk to plants. So it's the idea you have the radio at the side of your plants and they listen to it. I think so, yeah. Yeah. I was only talking about this on Absolute Crockery the other day. It's a station mainly for... For plates to listen to. Yeah.

Yeah. That is really something it is it's really something no it is though let me get this right one more time Noel Edmonds is living in New Zealand where he runs a radio station

for plants yeah maybe it's plants like the people that Davy Copperfield gets up to cut in half could it could it be that so you talk about

you know there's little features about staying incognito whilst being in the audience and not going backstage in case you're spotted and

and stuff like that I think that could be have you met Edmonds by the way oh yes I have I thought you would have I have as well. Well, as you know,

I saw him walking across my car park one morning when he was staying on a friend's sofa. I do remember. All dressed in black, like that milk train man. Was he Steve Jobs? Brilliant. With a holdle.

He could be Berglin. Come to think of it, I don't think we'd have heard. Berglin! Did he have black and white stripes on? I think he stole some horticultural headphones from a local botanist who lived in there. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Conversation pieces, Noah Zander-Barnes. I have a bottle of Manchester United whiskey signed by Alex Ferguson. Oh. OK. It did well to sneak that past him.

Also, 711, hi Frank, Emily and Al. I believe that actor Stephen Seagal was a deputy sheriff for a while in the US. OK. You're allowed to have the sort of man bun. He's got a big old widow's peak, that one. I think he got a special exemption for the man bun based on his skills.

He probably had one of those Foreign Legion, you know, those pieces of material that come out the back of the cap. He probably had one of those. Oh, I love those. Stop getting your necks on, Bert. Those things. They were really caught on. You don't see many baseball caps made with the neck

It was like Davy Crockett vibe, wasn't it? Davy Crockett was the... No, but he had the flaps, didn't he? No, he didn't. No, he didn't. He had a raccoon skin cap. I thought it had to send the flaps, didn't he? No. He did. He did? No, he didn't. Oh, did he not? He had a raccoon skin cap. I thought it had to send the flaps. No, it had the tail.

I apologise. I don't know if you know this, Emily, but Frank has an MA in hats throughout history. No. But I am a big fan of the Wild West, as it used to be called. I'll give you that. Davy Crockett was famous for that um okay i think you're thinking about the fod oh you are you are less cute uh less cute than davy crockett

less less apparently less cute is the way to get your interest um oh yeah one of your uh one of your previous textings that you just chucked out there and surprised us all with how big a deal it was, was, where's the weirdest place you've found a slug? You've got quite a lot of found slugs missives that I'd like to bring to your attention. Yeah, OK. One of my favourites, brief,

inside a recorder after three blind mice wasn't sounding like itself. Oh, wow. Disgusting. You can imagine that changed the timbre, can't you? Yeah, operated as a sort of organic mute. What about out? What about Carl Donaghy? Inside my canoeing helmet.

Most unpleasant feeling as I was about to navigate a rapid. Oh, so he was actually wearing it. Yeah. You'd be worried that might be a leech or something as well, wouldn't you? Well, he doesn't seem too perturbed because he added LOL in caps in much the same way as David Baddiel about your gravel joke. LOL. Mike Backhouse. It's all OK, yeah, I've just checked.

My dad found one on my mum's scarf as we left a meal outdoors at a pub. He spotted it and whispered, distract your mother, as he heroically walloped it into a nearby hedge. Ah. OK? Wouldn't it have been OK to say,

Ingrid, you've got a... Ingrid. I'm guessing. Ingrid. Ingrid, you've got a slug on your scarf. Would she have... I don't think it would have been OK. I think he was trying to be...

Maybe she had a full tray of drinks. It's interesting that that's the bit that you picked up on. I was thinking the word heroically was doing quite a lot of work there for just whacking a slug off a scarf. I wouldn't whack it off, would you? I mean, I don't know what they used to cling. You could be leaving, like, slug feet. I don't know what they do in Sweden,

where you seem to have strangely based it by calling her Ingrid. I think it's pretty established slugs don't have feet, though. That's one thing I do know about. Do we? They might have been a skewer, though. Oh, don't they? Do you remember when we found out bedbugs had beaks? That was one of the most disgusting things. Oh, yeah, they do, yeah.

That would be like if we found out slugs... Imagine if slugs had hands. Slug feet on my scarf. They'd be very handsy, actually, I think. Slug feet on my scarf. They'd be very handsy actually, I think. Slug feet on my scarf. An LOL based laugh. Anyway, we've got to end now.

Strangest ending we've ever had. Yes. Ross Buchanan is up next. He usually proceeds me, doesn't he, Ross? It seems as Richard III said, I go before my horse to market. Listen to Ross. Thank you so much for listening to us this morning.

If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. Emily's actually choking. Get out. Emily's actually choking. Get out.