The Frank Skinner Show - Sheffield Contrivance

Episode Date: May 20, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week has been on a niche shopping trip. The team discuss the Erling Haaland's diet, small domestic joys and brie.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text our little show on 81215, follow it on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, or you can email it via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Morning boys. Here we are. Here we are, here we are, here we are again. So, yes, good morning.

Oh, man, I had a strange gig last night. What happened? Well, I sort of, it was a bit of a nightmare, I think. I just got really... Do you know, I'm so relieved you said that. I thought you were going to say it was amazing. No. It was brilliant.

Actually, it wasn't. It was actually all right, but I responded as if it was the worst gig I ever did. I was just... I was... What's the word? Petulant. Oh.

I was actually petulant. You wouldn't think a man of my age could still do petulant, but I don't know. In what way? What are some examples of your petulant. You wouldn't think a man of my age could still do petulant, but I don't know. In what way? What are some examples of your petulance? I was saying things like, well, thanks for coming tonight, physically at least,

like that kind of, you know, sort of slightly... Oh, barbed comments. But most of them were fabulous. And the ones that weren't were ones I'd just defended early on. So, yeah, I just, things went wrong before I went on stage. And, you know, when I did, I took my problems to work with me, which you can't do. You can bring your child to work, but not your problems.

Oh, no. So if there's anyone in the audience sorry about that i love to start with an apology i tell you that that's what it's that's what life's all about sorry about that did i tell you guys stop me if i've told you this i'm an old man commander. And I might repeat myself, but it doesn't bother most people, I've found. Did I tell you about my Swiss Army knife shopping spree? No, because I didn't know it was 1972. No, spree?

Well, I say, I had to go, my son went on school camp. Oh, you had to get him a knife before he went. I had to get him a penknife. Yes. Because part of the activities was whittling. I'm a big fan of this so far. Do you like to whittle? I whittled as a boy.

Oh, did you? Give a little whittle. Oh, no. You're going to have to explain. A lady like me surely don't know what whittling is. Well, I don't know that I've ever really seriously whittled, so I'm handing over to Hair Novelli. Our whistling correspondent.

Exactly. Yeah, in the woods. With a penknife or a small craft knife you just sort of chop away at a bit of wood you kind of carve a little little model or just generally just just generally put a point on wood that god never intended to have a point that's what you do you spite the lord by making a stick spikier. You make a lovely, warm-hearted branch into a serious weapon. A weapon of war. Do you make fire?

No. Oh, I sound like a German tourist asking you for a light. Sorry, generally I do, sure. My son does. He likes making fire. That's one of his um now there was a he had i bought him some flint especially to make fire you know we live we just live in the woods there did i tell you this perhaps i should have given you that bit up front no um you're downsized you

do this thing with um actually i need to ask you a question about this. You do this thing. I don't happen to live in Clan of the Cave Bear. You get cotton wool pads. You know those cotton wool circles or balls, cotton wool balls. But balls might be better. And you just rough them up a bit so they're more obviously fibrous.

Oh, I see. And then you get the flint and the spark lands and it bursts into flames. But this was my question. The late, great Keith Flint, who was in Prodigy, is his real name Flint? Is that his proper name? Is his real name Flint? Is that his proper name?

Because the juxtaposition of Firestarter as being like a big hit that he wrote and Flint. Yeah. Is that a coincidence? I think there was a bloke called Jeff Cotton Warble as well who he didn't play an instrument, he just sort of danced on stage. Now that last bit I made up. But it's a big coincidence, isn't it, Flint and Firestarter?

Yeah, there's got to be something there. Someone out there will know. We've got a lot of musers listening in. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I went into the hardware store and I said, have you got any pen knives? And he said, yeah, they're behind the counter. Yeah, which is fair enough.

You can't have people buying. I'm sorry, but this is important to me. Was it a local sort of Balamori style high street hardware store? Or was it one of your big chains? No, no, it was. It's had big chains, but it was a hardware store or was it one of your big chains? No, no, it was, it's had big chains but it was a hardware store. It wasn't, I mean,

it wasn't to my exact, I like, you know, there's ones, I don't know if you remember but after this show we used to go and have, we used to go for sort of brunch after the show

and there used to be a hardware store across the road from there. And one of those places where they'd have 500 drill bits forming a fabulous display. I love that. I love it when a hardware store

recognizes that there's art in craft, if you know what I mean. There's one near me with a sort of insane sort of Blackpool Illumination style display and then a sign that says, if we don't have it, you don't need it. Yeah, I love that.

There we go, that's confidence. I love that. I must have, I must insist upon... It's actually a drugs front, but never mind. I must insist upon an elderly gent in a brown school janitor's coat. Yeah, well, there wasn't one of those. Anyway, so I said, you know, I want a penknife.

And they said, we've got a Swiss army knife. I said, oh, they're perfect. He said, that's £49.99. Oh. What? In Swiss francs. Did you say, oh, I could have gone to Switzerland for that to buy one? But I mean, that is £ quid for a penknife.

Bloody hell. Now, I always carried a penknife. Nothing as elaborate. I had a Roy Rogers. Do you know Roy Rogers? No, but thanks for the tip. And I mean that most sincerely. Yeah, Roy Rogers was massive when I was a kid.

He was a singing cowboy. You don't get so much call for those these days. No, you don't. I had a Roy Rogers pen, knife, pencil case. And I actually had a look not that long ago on eBay to see what sort of Roy Rogers merch. They had a gilet. What?

And not like a retro, like a modern gilet with the Roy Rogers logo on it. I don't know if the singing cowboy would wear a gilet. No, well, maybe when he's up north on a drive. But anyway, so they were all lovely little simple, you know, things that you just, every kid had one, and you just used them, as you say, for chopping about at bits of wood and stuff. It didn't have the sinister implications it might have today,

but 50 quid! Anyway, I didn't get it. Did you not? No. What did you say? Did you say it's too expensive? I said, yeah, I'm not paying 50 quid. I mean, that surely goes without saying.

The Swiss Army knife, is there a Swiss Army knife? Because the Swiss Army have, by definition, quite a lot of downtime. A lot of time to whistle, to be fair. Is neutrality something that increases the folk arts? Because you're just sitting around in a barrack where other people are at war,

thinking, I'm going to make a penknife. What about you? What about you, Klaus? Oh, no, I'm on the John Wayne cuckoo clock. I've made it as a little dream catcher. Yeah, exactly. Nice. Cowbell, anyone?

Oh, no, we're through with cowbell. Yeah, but it feels like that. I always imagine the man who invented the Swiss army knife, if you went on holiday with him, he'd be brilliant at packing the suitcase. Oh, we would be. Oh, the economy of the... Or, you know, the boot.

Can you do the boot, Klaus? Yeah, leave it to me. Absolutely no gaps at all. What a guy. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. By the way, can I say just one more point on the Swiss Army knife? I looked up... How many do they have? Oh, that's fabulous.

I looked up the sort of history to see, you know, if it started in the Sheffield, started in, sorry, I've given away the thing. I basically came across an early sort of version of it, which was, I just love the title of it. It's called The Sheffield Contrivance. Much better than Swiss Army Life, isn't it? It sounds like it could cover a multitude of sins.

It could, but I love it. You know what it is? It's a very early 80s sort of band, the kind of music you would like. Yeah, the Sheffield contrivance. Yeah. I love it. Sorry, you were about to speak.

Well, I had to. I mean, we've had enough, haven't we, of men talking over women. You're a gentleman and you're a man. I mean, that's the trouble with radio now. A woman starts to speak and the man in the chair, he jumps straight in on them. Do you know, that was a horrible insight.

I felt such gratitude then. It was a horrible insight to what life could be like. Oh, well, there you go. Danny T has been in touch. What do you think would be included on a British army knife? Okay, that question to Frank Skinner and Piano Belli. I'm trying to think. I think maybe not the corkscrew, but the bottle opener. I think we'd retain those ones.

Is it true or is it an urban myth that there's a thing on the deluxe Swiss army knife, let's say the 49 99 one that has a device for removing things from horses hooves

is that correct? I'd look to peer who else would know that? I've definitely had a Swiss Army knife that had something on it and I was told

that's what it was for a little point thing but I'm allergic to horses so I'll never Are you? Yeah Can't go near the things I thought you meant that gave you indigestion Oh thanks

Pierre lived in France in the 70s Do you know what? He wouldn't have had to have lived in France No, I'm allergic to cats which I think are part of the horse family, if I remember my natural history. Yes, they're just smaller, more sort of whimsical horses.

Yeah, exactly. I knew there was a link. Is it dander you have an issue with? Yes, dander. Oh, yeah. If I go to David... I actually love dander. If I go to David Baddiel's house, say, to watch a football game,

we'll sit talking and I just feel a bit of a catch in the back of the throat. Pretty soon the eyes are stinging, stuff like that. And I have to get him to have an extra strong mint. No, no, it's the cat. What? It's the cats. He has got about eight of them, though. I know, exactly.

I mean, yeah. It's like, I once had guitar lessons when I was a young man. And the woman, I won't name her, but the woman who used to give me guitar lessons had 27 cats. Oh, my Lord. And when you open the door, that cat smell.

It must have just been like being punched by a sort of fist of cats. Yes. In the face. Yes. I hadn't thought of it like that, but you're quite right. Yeah, it was like opening. You know when you're flying to Australia and you step you step off at qual a lumpa to change and the heat is like it's like golden syrup in the air like somebody's heated golden syrup in a saucepan and they've put it

and that's what when when the plane opens, that's what you walk into. That's what it was like, but obviously with quite a lot more urine in it. But, you know, she's dead now, I think. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Listen to this from Adele. I will. Is it rolling in the deep? Sorry. What if you had sung it?

What if you had sung it in tyre? Let the sky fall. We need to move on. Let it crumble. Go on. Hearing Frank's exchange with the cabbie about poetry. Do you remember that? Yes.

Do you want to remind us what the cabbie said briefly? The cabbie said to me, what you been up to tonight? I said, I've been to a poetry reading. And he said, yeah, I've had a bad night as well. Well, Adele said it reminded her of the nuns at her Catholic school in the 1970s who would threaten, if you don't behave, we'll make you do poetry.

Oh, gosh, that's terrible. And then, as she says, different times. Yes, probably not that different. But yes. Here's the thing. Go on. I've noticed something about myself. I still study myself.

I think it's important to do that. The great study of man is man. Oh, women! do that the great study of man is man um oh women and um you know when you get a saucepan like and it's say you've done rice pudding and it's got the rice pudding sort of film on it oh yeah do you know what i mean the remains the shadow of the rice pudding that you've just poured out. A skeleton. Yeah, and I'm thinking, I find that this is what I'm thinking. I'm so, the joy I get from putting that into soak is there's something wrong with it. It's too much joy.

When I'm filling it with water, I'm thinking, ha ha, you thought you were going to build a semi-permanent film on this, which we'd have to scrub off. But I think my colleague, Mr. H20, might have something to say about that. So that's your... Oh, I'm just talking about it now. I can feel myself becoming excited. I just want to repeat my colleague, just in case anyone missed that.

Well, because we're in this together. I'm just talking about just running the tap, knowing it'll never get a proper grip, that rice pudding. You're sort of destroying an empire. I love preventative medicine in all its manifestations. And the idea, like, my partner will leave that saucepan, and then it's a job, it's a real job. But not Frank.

So you feel like you're triumphing over the saucepan is in a way trying to get you, and you've sort of... Well, he's stopping it in its tracks. Yeah, you've slammed four aces onto the table. Oh, yeah, I'm getting in early. And I'm saying, I know what your plan is, but basically I'm too smart for the saucepan. Well, do you know, Frank,

I especially find with a roast dinner of any sort, that's when they get cocky. Oh, yeah. They get cocky, they think they've really made some purchase, they've made some headway and then when the water goes in, sometimes what about a hot kettle, can I throw that in the mix I mean if with a roast dinner

I'd take a hot, sometimes I will do a sort of semi signature in washing up liquid and then and then go in, just like you know, when David Bowie towards the end just wrote a B. He just couldn't be bothered.

So I do a bit of that, just a little Zorro with fairy liquid and then drop the, but I mean, that's a bit more. What I think is I'll make a cup of tea now. So the saucepan, the greasy saucepan and plate thinks, but I mean that's a bit more what I think is I'll make a cup of tea now so the saucepan, the greasy saucepan and plate thinks oh he's given up he's into relaxed thoughts so I make the tea but I make it with a bit of extra water that I'm going to

take on the plate I like the complicated mental gymnastics that the saucepan does. If there's anyone here that gets a sort of an unreasonable amount of joy from a small domestic activity, keep it clean. Please let us know on 81215. Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. OK, can we go over to Jonathan Hollis in Bromsgrove, please? OK. We domestic joy. Right. Morning, Frank, Emily and Pierre. Or Pierre, as I quite like that. That could be a good nickname for you, Pierre.

That's how it's pronounced in South Africa. Is it really? My family call me Pierre, yeah. Oh, Frank, that's a new one for us. Pierre to rhyme with beer. Yes, I... Is it a new one for us. Pierre to rhyme with beer. Yes, I... Is it a nickname in South Africa or just... Just a name.

Oh. Just a name. Okay. A humble name. Okay. It's quite an old... In France, it's quite rare. It's like being called Albert.

Yes. I tell French people my name and they look at me like, oh, really? Although Albert these days, you get trampled in the rash. Really? There's some more Alberts there. Oh, it's a big one, Albert. Yeah. Yeah. It rings a bell. Lovely. Morning, Frank,

Emily and Pierre. I wouldn't class myself as a particularly thrifty individual. Okay. But I do get a thrill when I remember to turn off all plug sockets and electrical appliances bar the fridge when leaving the house or going to bed. I have the sense of, ha, you ain't getting that money off me. Great redacted.

See, my partner does that, but I don't think it's the money with her. I think she always thinks that sort of eight-foot flame is going to come out of one of the sockets. My partner's the same. There's this fear of kind of hidden wall fires that will somehow consume us. I mean, has that ever happened? Leaving the telly on standby,

has that ever burst into flames in the history of television technology? Not that I'm aware of. 8, 12, 15. Nor the kettle. Although it would be the revenge of the appliances in your house, Frank, since you're continuously dunking on them. Well, our producer was telling us off-air that she likes to sort of create her and her flatmate,

if that would be appropriate. Like to create a sort of sense of them running a cafe was it? Or cleaning up. I think she said it's closing up at the end of the night after dinner. The idea of putting everything away and closing up shop. I can see that satisfaction.

Well, I'll tell you what I do. Whether you asked for it or not. When I'm washing, you know when you get the odd stray dish? I call it a retro bit of dishwasher, because everyone has a dishwasher. A lot of people, some people don't, but I rely heavily on a dishwasher. I've got to say, there's one person in our house who loves the dishwasher more than any of us. The dog? The dog.

The dog? The dog. I sometimes think, I've gone in and she's been, she's on the upper level of the dishwasher. She's done all the plates and bowls. And I'm thinking, shall I just put these in the cupboard now? They look absolutely immaculate. Like David Baddiel and his plate with the cat.

Yeah, exactly. It is a lovely facial, though, the dishwasher. When you open it. Sometimes you get a lovely facial from that thing. Yeah, but watching the dog work its way around the sharp knives, taking the food off

and never getting caught. It's a tremendous skill. Up until now. That's the dog's version of outsmarting the saucepan. Yeah, exactly. Outsmarting the saucepan. Yeah, exactly. Outsmarting the saucepan. That would be a good book to write.

Someone's suggesting it as a tour title for you. That was Ruth Jordan. Now, what I do think, when I'm washing, you know you get the waifs and strays occasionally that don't make it into the dishwasher. I think, not this time. Your time will come. Wouldn't it be a great memoir

of a musical theatre star who toured in Beauty and the Beast as a candlestick or something, outsmarting the saucepan about some internal feud that went on backstage between them

and some of the other implements that were played. Write it. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Some of the other implements that were played. Write it. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner, dot, dot, dot. You can text the show.

No, no. This is Frank Skinner, Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli on Absolute Radio. You can text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on Absolute Radio. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. We've been talking about domestic joy. Little things that just, you know. I was talking about putting in a dirty saucepan to soak

almost immediately so it doesn't get a chance to establish its film, as it were. Do you know what I do? Sometimes to pass the time a bit quicker, if I think we were talking earlier about occasionally having the waifs and strays that don't make it into the dishwasher cycle, and you have to do a bit of old-fashioned 70s washing up. Yes. and you have to do a bit of old-fashioned 70s washing up.

Yes. I like to sort of slightly imagine that I'm in a kind of retro, like a play for today. Because you would always have, and I'm having an argument about marital problems in that play, because they always took place over the washing of the dishes. It doesn't happen anymore now. It's an acting thing, isn't it? That if we're going to be having quite a long conversation, we need to be doing... over the washing of the dishes it doesn't happen anymore it's an acting thing isn't it that if

we're going to be having a big like quite a long conversation we need to be doing i was always having that when i when i in the days i used to write sitcoms people would say i'd say right so in this i'm talking to my girlfriend about blood and he'd say right what about being on a rocking horse like a two-seater rocking horse at some sort of fun fair and it was always stuff like that, what if you were playing golf because the director wants visuals do you know what I mean, he wants visuals

things happening, or she we have heard from the outside world regarding their acts of domestic joy, can I just stop you there not wanting to be one of those male presenters that talks over the female presenter, but I do occasionally wash up.

I'll wash up immediately after using something as part of my attack on the food establishing itself. Get the way they're least expecting it. Yeah, exactly. This is the domestic art of war. It's called aftermath prevention. And I will wash a bowl. I'll wash the saucepan bowl and spoon that I've used in that meal and leave it.

But when I fill the dishwasher, you know what I often think? Well, I've washed you, but I'm putting you in. Because it's easier to put you in. Oh, do you? They get the double. Yeah. I'd rather put you in than have to dry and all that stuff. God, you've got no mercy.

Yeah. You know, if they're going, if some are going in, you might as well put them all in. That's how I see it. Emily, you were saying? I was. We have heard from Steve Burgess, getting an overfilled bin bag out of the bin without tearing it is quite a buzz.

It must be like a midwife who delivers an overdue baby without having to call the surgeons in. I think I have taken out a bin bag with a von Toos before now. I know what they mean, because there's a sort of a handle often on the inside of the bin, or there is on ours, that you have to get it past. And you get like a pointy corner of like a bit of packaging or something. It's a risk, the tearing.

Sometimes I might be a little premature. I might tie it inside the bin. Oh, I'd never do that. Because I find part of the method of getting it out is a slight squeezing of the sides to sort of turn it into more of a tube. Do you feel slightly World's Strongest Man when you do it? Do you know what I do?

I do. Sometimes when it's had a lot of pointy do. I do. Sometimes when it's been, when it's had a lot of pointy packaging, I take it out and it's not torn, but the bin bag slightly ladders.

Yes. Like tires. And I think, phew, that was a, that was a close one. It's virtually see-through that little scar,

but we're all right. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Okay. As part of the overflowing bin bag of correspondence we've had about domestic joy, we've got 515 saying, I get great satisfaction from washing the potato off the potato masher. Oh.

I've just made mash. Just run it under the tap and no scrubbing is needed. If you leave it, the potato will win. I was going to say, I find it a very tricky mistress. Exactly. If you leave it, that is the catchphrase for all of the soaking. If you leave it, it will win. The masher is really, I've become a Roy Cro will win the masher is

really I've become a Roy Cropper with the masher I find that I know what they're talking about there it falls away if you get it early it's so weak the potato they did

they did a study of how to get kids to help out more with chores and cleaning up and stuff and kids will clean up more for longer if they're dressed as a superhero Is that right? If they're in a Batman costume, they'll do more hoovering Maybe I'll do that

I've considered it to get myself to clean more I dress as Ant-Man, that's my favourite superhero Did you know that? Very niche I might go as Spider Ghost. Is that what she's called? It used to be Spider Gwen and then she became Ghost Spider.

She's on my... I've got a... In fact, here's a little domestic moment for me. I've got a... My calendar this year, my 2023 calendar is Marvel Heroines. Oh, here we go.

And it's the female action heroes from Marvel Comics. Oh, here we go. Lock the study door, Dad, looking at your Marvel Heroines. And you are reducing these women. You are.

And Spider Gwen, who I think now is Spider Ghost or Ghost Spider, she, she, I, the calendar, because that's my calendar socket where I always put my drawing pins for that, whatever the calendar is that year. It's been the calendar whole for four or five years. It's getting a bit big, a bit of plaster falling out of it. And a drawing pin wouldn't sit.

And I thought, well, I can't hang up my Marvel heroines. And then I thought, toothpick. And I pushed a toothpick into the wall and it now hangs on that toothpick. DIY? I think so. And I bet it looks lovely. It looks great. It reminds me that a friend of mine said

he took part in an enormous study of road safety, which was based on, this is going back a bit, whether seatbelts had made people drive better or worse. And it said that reckless drivers drive even more recklessly if they feel safe. So things like airbags make them, you know, wilder. So things like airbags make them, you know, wilder. And they said one of the, not a serious recommendation, but they said the truth was that if you had a six-inch nail sticking out the middle of the steering wheel, road safety would be improved in this country by 500%.

Yeah. Absolute radio. And that's what I feel like when I approach the calendar. You're even more cautious about your diary. It's sticking out of the wall by at least two and a half inches, that toothpick, I would say. Yeah. And I like seeing Spider-Ghost dangling from a protuberance,

just like Spider-Man does. I think we got through that link. Just like Spider-Man does. I think we got through that link. We've heard from 765. Hi, Frank and crew. I get a real thrill out of collecting the fluff from my tumble dryer filter and rolling it into a ball. That's Carla from Wendover Bucks.

I, too, get a real thrill out of that. Are you a filter cleaner? A fluff collector? I must ask my cleaner if she gets a thrill out of it. Do you never touch the fluff? No. Oh, you know you're missing out. It's an absolute joy. It's one of those things. It was a late discovery in life for me. Lovely.

I won't have anyone else touch it. Okay. Well, I'm good. Yes? I have an etiquette question. Okay. Can I tell you that my father, for his whole life,

whenever etiquette cropped up as a word, which it did more in the 60s and 70s, he would always correct me and say it's antiquity. Really? Yeah. Oh, no. Which I don't think it is, nevertheless. I like antiquity, though.

Yeah, something good about it. His whole life, and this is not something that crops up a lot, but probably three times in all the time, but Somerset Maugham, the writer, was always Somerset Matham. Oh. Yeah. Okay, anyway. I like that.

The manners of the Romans would be the antiquity of antiquity. Oh, that's good. You could start layering it up. But, so, the partner and I, we went on a city break to Lisbon. The partner? Yeah, my partner. I almost thought you said the partner. I thought it was some sort of Canterbury Tales themed.

The Padre and I went to Lisbon to see if we can't pull this whole schism thing out. Anyway, go on. We were on the flight to Lisbon. Was it just a nice weekend mini break? A jolly. A jolly. Lovely. A brief jolly in Lisbon, and we were sitting on a budget flight,

and I had barely managed to cram myself into the fully solid metal chairs. Are we amidst contractual negotiations? It sounds like I'm not getting enough money. No, no, I'm not getting enough room for my haunches. No, they are. I mean, I thought they might put you in a stall. One of those horse boxes behind the plane. Exactly, exactly.

If you think it's bad for you, can you imagine what it was like for Phil Pfister, one of the world's strongest men? Oh, yeah. I often think you're perfect. Phil Pfister had an absolute nightmare. He probably brought it on himself.

Whereas I think with Pierre, his haunches were thrust upon him. He can't help it, Frank. No. Well, they were nearly

thrust upon him. It is like the back half of a pantomime horse travelling across Europe. A charity. So, does your... Well, my haunches were nearly thrust upon

the guy next to me that was her little room. Let's return to the pardoner's tale. Yes. So, does your... Well, my haunches were only thrust upon the guy next to me. There was so little room. Let's return to the pardoner's tale. Yes. So, you're sitting in the seat, barely. Your poor partner, she's all hunched up. Well, hold on. Because we have certain obligations to the commercial world,

I'm going to have to pause this. It's a cliffhanger. Pierre has been oiled into a seat on a budget airline to get him in. Emily very nearly just fell off her seat. No, I'm joking. That's where we are. Just bookmark that. We'll be back.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We're on a plane with the proverbial square peg in the round hole. SpongeBob

SquarePierre. Yeah. Pierre has been squeezed into a seat. Go on. Wedged. So there I am. I'm wedged in the middle of the three seats. And to the right of me is a gentleman who I would say, he could be a great postcard character for, you know, greetings from Portugal.

Like a solid... Super Mario type figure. Yeah, absolutely. A hell of a moustache. Yeah. On this guy. No light getting through at all. Oh, man, I wish I could grow any kind of facial hair like that.

Mine is so sparse. I've seen you with a beard. Yeah, but it was never a good beard. Have you seen Frank with a beard? No. Oh, I recommend if you get... I think in your first book there's pictures of it. Yeah, do you know what it looks like?

It looks like... You know when people wear a stage beard and it gets wet and it's sort of coming off the face? It's like that. It's like that. It's hanging by a thread. Like a sort of stressed bank robber disguise. I really like it.

Like a Marvel heroines calendar dangling from an extended toothpick. It's very open university physics. Yes, it's a Robbie. I think what it was, I had a brief flirtation with teacher training. I failed after a year, basically. And I was very frightened of the small children. with teacher training. I failed after a year, basically.

And I was very frightened of the small children. So I grew a beard to look more masculine. As if to say, look at... I am an adult. I am actually an adult, and you need to establish, you need to acknowledge that barrier. The facial hair was saying, I am older than you. Yes, it was. But really, it was saying, I'm older than you. Yes it was but really it was saying I'm

afraid of you. Yes. I hated it. Speaking of which we had a lovely teacher called Richard in the front row last night who became my go to person when all around were losing their heads

and blaming them on me or something like that. And he's just made a suggestion for the show, which I might even try, but how lovely. Yes, he's been in touch. He was a nice guy. Thank you, Richard. Ground sourcing.

He said he was grinning from ear to ear. Isn't that nice to hear from? Well, I think as it once said in Pickwick Papers, a man sells Pickwick a horse and the guy's obviously a bit of a con man and he said blah blah blah and he said that he

he had a grin which agitated his countenance from one auricular organ to the other so there you go sorry we're still on the play with Pierre an auricular organ to the other. So there you go. Sorry, we're still on the play with Pierre.

Well, as Ian Angle has said, I'm guessing the gentleman next to you is feeling a lot of Pierre pressure. Oh, it would actually be Pierre pressure in South Africa. In Sudafrique. So are we going to have time to hear more about the... No, I don't think we are. We're going to have a cliffhanger on the cliffhanger.

I'll say that there were intermittent whiffs of brie. Oh, OK. I'll tease what happened. Oh, I can almost feel the clammy outer skin. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Come on, we're still on the plane. We're on a plane.

Let's get off this plane. Guy sat next to me. I've had it with these Godham men on this plane. I'm thinking someone's going to eat Brie. That's the clue

I'm picked up on. Who brings cheese on a plane? Well, I'm getting wafts of Brie and I'm thinking, Brie? On a plane?

I think there's no way. The guy next to me must have just eaten some brie and I'm getting sort of suggestions of it from him here and there. Oh, how disgusting. He's emanating brie. Yes, he's emanating brie. I'm already not happy with that, but you know, at least I think I've figured it out. How could he help that? No, exactly, yeah, to be fair. He's had his morning brie. How could he help that? No.

Exactly, yeah, to be fair. He's had his morning break. Yeah. Can we just establish something? Yes. How many words, had you exchanged pleasantries with this character? Mere nods.

Oh, okay. Mere nods. They don't talk, the young people. No. No, I don't wish to strike up a rapport. I never want to talk to him on a plane. Too long. Too much commitment.

Yes, agreed, yes. Yeah. So then I think, okay, too long, too much commitment. Yes, agreed, yes. Yeah. So then I think, okay, not ideal, but fine. Halfway through the flight, this man decides to stand up in the island, rummage in the overhead compartment, from which he produces, initially, a sort of tiny, probably the smallest Tupperware you can get. And within it...

Can I say that's pretty small? Yeah, it's weirdly small. I know the Tupperware range. The one that you're doing as a hand gesture, it ain't close to the smallest Tupperware you can get. Single grape. Yeah, exactly. You could get single contact lens Tupperware container.

What are we talking, Ant Lunchbox? And let's open that container, shall we? Whoa! Okay. And in this little Tupperware thing are a bunch of sweaty slices of cheese. So what's been emanating is through the seal. Emmentalating? Emmentalating, yes.

And I think, well, mystery solved. This guy's about to eat some smelly cheese from a Tupperware. But he's not done. He reaches again, rummaging, and withdraws a larger, more standard sort of bringing lunch to work Tupperware. Yeah.

And sits down and I think, how is this going to escalate? Pops that open on his lap. He's got a goddamn fromagerie up there. Yeah, I'm sat next to Picnic Pete on this plane, I think. Right. Pops open that Tupperware on his lap'm sat next to Picnic Pete on this plane, I think. Right. Pops open that Tupperware on his lap, sat next to me.

We're dealing with boiled eggs. Oh. And chicken salad. Frank, this man is a menace. Immediately I thought this should,

a US marshal should duct tape this man to his chair and the plane should land wherever is closest. So did you say anything? No, I just,

I looked and I just very silently turned my head to look at my girlfriend as if to say, look in my eyes and then look at what's happening next to me. What did your girlfriend make of you? You've been in England about 15 years or so. You've gone native. You sat there outraged and said nothing, whereas your old spirit

would have gone what on earth is going on? Excuse me. Excuse me. I could feel it bubbling within me. Can't eat eggs

on a plane, man. Oh man, I can imagine you taking out a whittled brand and holding it in this direction. Don't make me Oh, man, I can imagine you taking out a whittled brand and holding it in this direction. Dad, make me use this.

Coming out of the airplane toilet in full combat gear. Reseal those eggs. Oh, man. But, you know, people like that, it's honestly... Isn't that an old Joe Cocker song? Reseal those eggs. But he picked his way through. He dumped all the cheese onto the eggs, by the way, in the salad.

So he thought, better combine smells. And I thought, eccentric to have the cheese separate initially. I know what he's up to as well. I know his game. I've seen those documentaries. You know when there's nothing to declare? I call them schadenfreude in the extreme.

Which is essentially people sitting at home saying, look, he's been caught, he's been caught. It's people getting... But they don't get drugs busts that often. It's always sort of seed pods. I'm afraid you're not allowed to bring oranges into this country.

If it had been that man who invented the Swiss army knife, he'd have had that sliced cheese. You buy sliced and just brought it up with the corners still attached to the top of it. If only it was him. Oh, my goodness, the horror. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli.

You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show via frankatabsoluteradio.co.uk. I have a few football-related issues I'd like to raise this morning. Okay, you're football crazy, you're football mad. I've got that on a T-shirt now, with Frank's name under it.

It's great. Do you like the football, Pierre? I don't really know the football. I'm aware of it. But that's good in a way, because that means we won't get too football-centric and alienate our non-football listeners. We'll keep it front page rather than back page. They're my constituency, the non-football listeners. So you're familiar with the Champions League, are you?

Yes. OK. So, well, Frank, perhaps you could explain. There was a big thing this week. Yes, well Manchester City sort of destroyed the present champions,

Real Madrid, and everyone now is, of course, saying, greatest team of all time and all that stuff.

But they certainly, they have a striker, Erling Haaland. Greatest striker of all time. Awesomeling Haaland and he is that's great music for him he's broke all the records

now I'm aware of him because a disproportionate well he's one of yours physically just an enormous man

yeah he's another big man well so I'm aware of him because I think a disproportionate number of comedians support

Arsenal and a few of them were monstering Erling Haaland as their kind of enemy. Yes. The destroyer of their hopes potentially. Well, I mean take it from me you're always going to make enemies if you're

good at something. Wow. Wowee. People do get very come down with me good at something. Wow. Wow, are we? People do get very, come dine with me, enjoy the money, I hope it makes you very happy. But, you know, you've got to let,

you've got to hand it to Erling. The way it's gone with Erling, he only arrived this season and I had a quite a regimented daydream in which over a long period of time I played for West Bromwich Albion, but they were the biggest team in Europe

mainly because of my prolific goal scoring. And I had a small chair at one end of the kitchen and it had a goal-shaped bottom to it. And I put a thing in the middle as a goalkeeper. And I basically kicked a tennis ball around the kitchen and walloped it. And I played game after game. And I remember getting 84 goals in a season. Which I have to say Erling hasn't really got close to.

But it's harder if it's in the real world there are so many things but he's the closest to that to daydream style football you're familiar with you know what

you've seen him I've seen him and I will say he does seem he looks like a combination of both characters from the Rocky movie where he fights Dolph Lundgren. Yes. I think he looks like a really good Eddie of Al Murray.

Oh. But he's... He looks very Valhalla. Yes, he... OK? Do you know Valhalla? She's that dinner woman, the German dinner woman at my school. Do you know what I mean?

He feels very... He's very Norse mythology. He could be Thor. He could be. If they had like a Man City Christmas pantomime to raise money for local children, he could be Thor. Every feature on

his face has a sort of outline he looks quite sort of assembled Avengers assembled I think he's what they always say about men I'm sure people have said this about you and they never say this about women

but if a man is in great shape they'll say he's a magnificent specimen as if he might sleep in a large jar of formaldehyde

and they usually play what a man what a man what a mighty good man if it's on this morning for example

oh I've never heard that before oh they like that a famously athletic celebrity guest or something oh it's reigning men they usually like

don't they oh yeah they like that. They should have played that looking back at the coronation. With a slight change on the spelling of reigning. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we're talking about Erling Haaland, Frank. Yeah.

Yes. Okay, sorry. Erling Haaland. He might adopt that. He might like it. I don't think he will. Well, he likes being called Terminator. They said, what's your favourite of all the nicknames you have?

I like Terminator. Ooh. Mm-mm. I thought you'd prefer God of Thunder. Yeah, come on. Anyway, carry on. We need to discuss his diet, though. Well, that's because for all the fact that he's,

that Man City are in the Champions League final, and if you'll forgive me saying might win the Premier League. Oh, yeah. Yes, it's what makes, if food maketh the man, it's what maketh Erling Haaland that's been in the news this week. He shared on his Instagram, it's his choice to do this. No one made him. He has said before, just to warn you,

he has said of his diet, eat the heart and liver. Yes. Okay. Clarice. Yeah. Well, the Daily Mail had an article about his eating habits. And it had an illustrative picture of Hannibal Lecter. It sort of suggested this is where eating off

can lead. Yes. A lot of people eat animal flesh. It doesn't normally lead to eating human flesh. It's not fair to say. No, I don't think it is. If you will go around saying I eat the heart and liver. Yes. Looking like that. What do you expect?

I really hope. Sorry, what I really want to hear is he's got a T-shirt that says, I heart heart. Yeah. Someone's got to get him one of those. The picture he posted was, I mean, it really... Did you see it? It was greaseproof paper with scattered offal.

Yeah. I counted. There was at least 78 pieces. Look, I'm not against the eating of offal. I counted, there was at least 78 pieces. Look, I'm not against the eating of offal. Although this was one of the fringe livers, I would say. Beef! I don't think I've ever had beef liver.

I'd sort of assumed that cows didn't have one. Because it's always sheep and lamb when you see the livers. Forgive me if there's any vegans or vegetarians listening. But you know. It's very continental see the livers. Forgive me if there's any vegans or vegetarians listening. But, you know. It's very continental, the beef liver.

Is that what it is? But the picture of it, I am an enormous fan of greaseproof paper. I've only recently converted from foil to greaseproof and it's changed my life. But he seems to have cut it into tiny pieces mad chunks yeah and then spread tiny pieces of it though and that's what i didn't like that it was like a model village it looked like a meat version of the drone displays at the coronation concert it looked like they were about to assemble into an owl face that's very odd i don't know why you would if you can imagine um in case you can't picture this at

home imagine meat nippets you know nippets those um licorice um sweets Oh, yeah. I say sweets. They are... I think their strap line should be when licorice goes wrong. They're not those licorice that's like Tic Tacs. Licorice... It's like Tic Tacs. Nippets are from the same school

as the original Fisherman Friends. Stuff you're not supposed to like the taste of. But you're supposed to give them to other people and then when they grimace you say, oh, I quite like them. You don't. But, yeah, it looked like that. Little, tiny, dried up...

Very much. If he was on MasterChef, they'd be saying, you're plating up and need some work. Yeah. The presentation of this liver. I can't imagine how he'd eat them with a toothpick. I mean, how do you eat tiny little...

His calendar would fall down if he did that. Back in the day when they just took... I remember when footballers were happy with a steak and a Benson and Hedges. Yes. They got all grand. You're absolutely right. When I used to get to the Albion training ground, the West Brom training ground,

When I used to get to the Albion training ground, the West Brom training ground, every one of the players had 20 Benson and Hedges. Often put up the sleeve of the T-shirt. They had biceps big enough, so if they put it up the sleeve of the T-shirt, it held there. Oh, lovely. I would have to put a variety pack

of cereals up my my sleeve barely touches the arm anyway more of this in a second

Ruth Jordan says Erling Haaland has cut up the offal into tiny pieces ready to pack into a Tupperware for his next plane journey. Oh, I love it when people bring the strands together. He seems the type that would have Tupperware. Well, he seems very prepared, so I know this doesn't sound like me, but I went into a needlessly deep dive on Erling Haaland once I saw the news.

Of course you did. It's not the sort of thing I normally do. What can you tell us about him? Did you find out about his world record when he was five? The long jump. Yes, not just the long jump, the standing long jump. So no run up. You just leap.

Son of Odin. Yeah, and it was at 1.63 metres when he was 5 years old oh for god's sake did you know he sleeps we're approaching

Achilles sort of yeah we are he is Achilles even at 7 he defeated a mighty serpent I wonder

he scored all those goals what is his Achilles heel I wonder well vegetarianism. Oh, well, apparently... Don't cut his hair. It could be the Samson thing.

Oh, what I like is when he lets it out of his scrunchie sometimes, like at the end of a match. There was a game when he had a scrunchie crisis and he had to play the last ten minutes with his hair down. He had a scrunchie crisis and he had to play the last ten minutes with his hair down and he scored and I thought that's going to be

a bit of a collector's item that goal with the full Thor locks. Well now this is the problem with fans it used to be the shirt do you go scrunchie

or shirt now? Oh yeah I'm going to get a sign can I have your scrunchie Erling. That's another Norwegian player, isn't it? Scrunchie Crisis.

He apparently, the thing, one of the things I love most about Erling is that he sleeps with a ball. Does he? After he scored the hat-trick, he was interviewed and they said, is it true? Because they were asking him all those questions like fact or fiction. Most of them he was like, no, it's not true. No, it's not true.

And yet that... You're not going to tell me he didn't do the standing jump. He paused and he said... No, he did do the standing jump. He said, is it true you sleep with a ball, a football in your bed? And he went, I'm afraid it's true, yes. He said, only when I've scored a hat-trick, though. Oh, he sleeps with that one?

That poor woman, he's got a lovely partner, who is a long jumper, I believe. Is she? Oh, no, that's the mother. But anyway, she's got to put up with that dirty old bit of leather in her bed. Yeah, yeah. Would you put up with that? Well, I've put up with some dirty old leather in the bed over the years.

Do you think she watches the match and as he scores a hat-trick, she thinks, oh, well, that's the ball in the bed again tonight. I think as he scores a hat-trick, she reaches for the jaycloth and dethal, ready for when he arrives home. Oh, no. He'll be bringing that ball with him, I expect. I saw, I was watching, what's it called?

Gary Neville's football shop or something. He's got opinions. And it was him talking to Ian Wright, the former Arsenal and Palace legend. And he said, you've got a few hat tricks in your career. And he said, yeah, so I've got all the balls. So I've got to make a lock up. Got all the balls in a lock up. What a strange.

Imagine pulling that door up. But he said, I've kept all the balls. And then as Gary Neville pointed out, he said in a lock-up with tremendous emphasis, he's like, don't try coming to my house, stealing my hat trick match balls. And also, there's no power now that, because in a game now, they get through two dozen balls.

So you don't own the ball that you scored the hat-trick with. Just saying. Erling, though. Just saying. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. We were discussing the modern phenomenon of Erling Haaland. Yes, the saga myth.

Yeah, it would be a saga. Yeah. So, in terms of his diet, it's not just the awful heart and liver of cows that he's eating. He's got a sort of thing he calls his magic potion. Oh, yes. I used to call it that as well.

Smoothie of milk and spinach and kale. I wonder if people have actually researched whether spinach makes you stronger or they're just taking Popeye's word for it. Yes. Is that why Erling Haaland started saying that I am what I am? Yeah.

I wish he would. That'd be... Imagine that in an interview. There's subtle references to it. Like his girlfriend suddenly got a centre parting and dyed her hair black so Erling you've been voted footballer of the year

well what do you know are you alright you alright Erling we found a lot of rumours about Bluto on the opposing side did you something odd happened with Bluto because he started

as Bluto, the large bearded villain. In fact, you could be, if they do another live action, you could be a great Bluto.

Oh, thank you. Yes, because you're more like a, let's call you a Hollywood Bluto. Yes, exactly. Do you know what I mean? Oh, they've smoothed over Bluto.

Yeah, exactly. A Bluto that will get fan mail from teenage girls. They don't just want a horrid Jeffed over Bluto. Yeah, exactly. A Bluto that will get fan mail from teenage girls. They don't just want a horrid Jeff Cates Bluto. Anyway. You can't just wish someone is horrid. No, I mean just, you know, brutally male. Yeah.

You want an appealing Bluto. We're calling you an appealing Bluto. You should be pleased. It's going on the poster. Yeah. An appealing Bluto. There's a picture that he posted. I's going on the poster. Yeah. An appealing Bluetooth. There's a picture that he posted. I mean, I should say...

Your Bluetooth's on the social media. No, I'm back to Erling. Okay. It's brilliant that he really cares about what he eats and drinks and stuff. I mean, you know, I come... As you say, footballers used to smoke, drink and all that.

So it's... It's Arsene Wenger. We can take some credit, please. He changed everything. He did. He took the, initially at least, he took the bowl of jelly beans out the Arsenal dressing room. And Frank, will you tell Pierre,

when you saw him once in a hotel, what was he doing? I saw him in Cape Town, actually, in in a hotel pre-match eating uh apple with a knife and fork oh my lord in a hotel yeah so anyway um yeah he posted a picture of a whole sort of side of meat honestly looked like if you went for a family meal with 10 people it's what would arrive and the caption was just for me and it was like fred flintstone kind of the bone was still present on the plate but it had all been sliced up and i did think oh how marvelous to just sit and eat all of that yeah he's living like a tiger yes there's something otherworldly and and and zoo-like about the the feeding of earling but you know what he'll out liver us all oh thank god frank may i quit oh we've got to go we've got we've got another

you had a lovely joke and i ruined it now. I'm sorry. What? You didn't ruin that joke. You had the lovely liver of Saul. I know, but it was... I don't think it was A, a lovely joke, or B, I think I got it in under the wire. It's amazing how one always gets it in. There's a great old clip of Milton Berle, the American comic, on a show, and he's about to do a punchline,

and this woman who's an inexperienced actress is about to speak and he takes her hand so hard I think if a wall had been fallen he would have held it up and he did his punchline. That's what comics are like.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio I've had a communication from a on Absolute Radio. I've had a communication from a reader who, this must be one of our most, we get a few Australian people, this guy lives in Kumamoto in Japan and he's called Rushton Medley

and he sent his new novel. After hearing of your recent disappointment with the name of The Rose, I tried, but terrible, I thought you might be interested in this book. It's 772 pages. But the thing about it, it's called Memories of Mabuhay.

It's got a thing in the front and it said, you might like this because of taking books off David Baddiel's wall, which we did recently. It's got a book crossing thing. So if you hand it over to someone, you write its history like a logbook. I love that. For the next person. I read the first sentence and I thought Pierre should read this.

Listen. General Yamashita stood before the dusty dress mirror doing his best to smooth out the creases of his tunic. His sword lay across his desk. He had spent the last hour ensuring it was gleaming to perfection. It was to be handed over to the Americans as part of the final symbolic act of surrender. Oh.

Yeah, that's about Maestrasa. Yeah, indeed. Although he had me. So that was from, did I say, from Roshton Medley. What a name. Yeah. Roshton Medley. What a name. Yeah. Rochton Medley. Yes.

So that's it. Okay. I'll never read it, but it was lovely to say. Just trying to be straight with people. Frank, may I share two, four, five? Frank, do you know that your stable mate, Dave Berry, has a producer on his breakfast show known as Old Swiss because he always carries a penknife.

Perhaps he could advise or give Buzz a lend of his. Praise Redacted. Yeah, well, in the end, I didn't know that and we listened to Dave Berry every day. But in the end, I remember, I don't know if you guys remember this,

but when I did Travelman in Zurich... Someone has got in touch about that. Yeah, I made, I actually assembled, Swiss Army Knife Assemble, I said, and I put together my own and I put my name on it as well. So I found that, and Boz took a... To camp, he took a Swiss Army knife that I'd actually assembled.

Did you assemble it with other Swiss Army knives and imply a kind of sort of chicken and egg scenario? I don't understand that question. As in, like, where's the original Swiss Army knife if you use Swiss Army knives to make Swiss Army knives? No, no, I didn't do it with a Swiss Army knife. I did it on a machine at the Swiss Army knife factory. Did you add any custom tools?

Yes, I added an obscene gestures section which I could take out whilst driving. Yes, I added an obscene gestures section, which I could take out whilst driving. No, I just went for the very basics. I love those little blades when they've got a tiny bit for the thumbnail to help it out of its section. You know what I mean? That little dip. Oh, I find those creepy.

Yes. Okay. Next to his own. Anyway, be careful, obviously, if you're going to try out a pen knife this weekend. Yes. Okay. I mean, anyway, be careful, obviously, if you're going to try out a pen knife this weekend. They're sharp.

Be careful out there. They're sharp. There's no getting around it. Thank you for listening to us today and if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. next week. Now get out.