The Frank Skinner Show - Short Island

Episode Date: September 18, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been filming in the Lakes and went for a 30th Anniversary dinner with his agent. The team also discuss Emma Raducanu’s big win, a bleak Birthday card and Ronaldo putting his teammates off their pudding.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram. Frank on the radio emailed the show via, I say via, the Absolute Radio website. Morning Peter, morning Jim. Via, I say via the Absolute Radio website. Morning, Peter. Morning, Jim. Morning, Vici. So, yes, it's lovely to be here. The producer, Sarah, is back.

She's been away for two weeks, swanning around the Lake District, was it, Sarah? Yeah. I've been up there myself this week didn't bump into each other weird.

Although I did get do you remember last week Sarah sent a thing saying that her and her boyf were out and he got his

drone. Boyf? Boyf's is Heat Magazine 1997. I remember being on a TV show where people turned up with a drone only about six years ago.

And it was like the drone guys have arrived and we all gathered round to look at this thing. And they were like hell's angels had come into town. And now someone's on holiday and they say, yeah, I'll get me a drone out. There's some snaps. Goodness. Yeah.

It's a world. It's careering down a hill. Well, when I was in Reykjavik, I had one outside. I was at the, well, it's just outside Reykjavik, but that's not important right now, near the Blue Lagoon Hotel. Oh, yes. And, you know, they have these very wonderful open windows, you know, these lovely glass windows. And there was a drone right outside my bedchamber.

Well, that's always a danger. Early in the morning. That's going to happen a lot. We were talking yesterday, actually, with the crew about the rise of the backpacks are likely to become more popular. And that's going to be peeping Tom Heaven. So look forward to that, everyone. Now, they're using

the rescue services now in the lakes are using backpacks to get up the hills to people I mean truly we are living in the modern world should we jetpacks because backpacks are just pictures like a little rose just bags with stuffing

I've always used that sorry thank you I thought he meant backpacks I like the idea you know what Al I'm going to award you this Correzioni Correzioni

Ole ole ole the old guy the old guy's saying backpack can we can we stop him put the music on the old guy's saying

backpack stop him your jetp on the old guy's saying backpack stop him your jetpacks you're absolutely right yeah so they're flying around the hills rescuing people which is fantastic

that's clever isn't it chasing that's what they could do now I say that every week yeah chasing kestrels all that sort of stuff so anyway

so Sarah is back, and it was, I don't know if you remember, it was her birthday while she was away, and the whole system has broken down, so I just walked in. She's standing next to me, and Faye, the assistant, says, can you sign Sarah's card? And I thought, whoa, oh, this is dirty, right in front of her.

Right in front of her. Does she? There's a pile of presents there was no element of surprise no theatre the gen saiders they don't they dispense with the ceremony so I had to sign

you know that thing where you start thinking I'll put something funny on and then I think there's a certain body language that says oh why bother I don't want people seeing that when it's their card. It's a real bleak card as well. Like an orange card that just said happy birthday on the front. Oh, man.

It was like, do you remember those cardboard frames your school photos came in that said season's greetings? You like that? The whole thing has made me, I just need to get a long shower anyway I'm sorry Sarah I've got a confession about that card go on

I wasn't really putting as much thought as I should have been I was distracted you're being watched by the recipient that's awful and I wrote have a wonderful and then I stopped and I thought oh actually she's had the the birthday two weeks ago. So am I going to cross it through?

How am I going to deal with this? I did. Do you know what? I actually, I spun it a bit. I said, have a wonderful dot, dot, dot year ahead. Nice. Like it? Get saved?

I used to favour enjoy the rest of your life when I got dumped. Well, OK, thanks. Enjoy the rest of your life. Just try and get maximum drama out of being dumped. Slightly passive aggressive. Yeah, well, also, I think that's another good tone for the dump. The dumped is passive aggressive. But although I obviously hated being dumped and, you know,

it broke my heart and all that, I did love all that part of it. And I love staying in, listening to Roy Orbison all night. And, yeah, it's great. Self-dramatisation, the way forward, you heartbroken out there. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You've been about this week. Yeah, well, I've been in the lakes.

That's what I've been doing, which was... Apparently you've been very friendly. Mick O'Donnell ran into you. Did he? I tell you what, a lot of people have been saying, oh, yeah, we saw Tom Cruise, but we couldn't get anywhere near him. And so, in brackets, I suppose you'll have to do is the way it's gone

but thanks Nick for that. Isn't that essentially my trajectory? Yeah, exactly. I'm happy to be second to Tom Cruise. You're always my first dear. You complete me. Which apparently is a line from, I want to say Harry Maguire but it's Jerry Maguire isn't it

Harry Maguire I can't imagine saying that what if he said that to John Stones just before an England game you complete me you complete me John what? anyway I don't know if you got any of that

but it's something he says in Jerry Maguire one of his big movies something he says that isn't show me that oh he doesn't say show me the money someone says it to him enough enough of this i was on the train and here's the thing i um my partner kath i'm not saying she's hypochondriacal. I'm not saying it. But she used to work next to a man at Channel 4 and he started writing down the things she said that was wrong with her that day.

And when she left, he gave her the whole lengthy, lengthy ledger of complaints. And one of them was headache caused by wearing a stripy dress and i i was on the train yesterday and a guy sat in front of me and he had a lot of product on oh and i started feeling uh a bit headachy And I started feeling a bit headachy after about 20 minutes of inhalation. This guy, I mean, look, he had his own microclimate. What sort of, exactly, can we be specific, re the product? Well, you know me, I don't have the recognition.

I think it's all... Like an eau de toilette or a hair product? Well, I don't know. I always think Tom Ford. The only one I know is Tom Ford because that's the one that Olly Murs told me about in an interview. But I said the other day to a guy who I was working with, wow, you've got your Tom Ford on today. And he said, no, it's... What is it, like a sense bomb or something like that?

Spice bomb. He said, no, I'm wearing spice bomb. I thought, what happened? Men, men, I'm speaking to you out there. Stop this. So anyway. What you're saying is it was a sort of, essentially it was a scented grooming product.

I honestly think it gave me a headache. I'm not making that up. Yeah, I've moved seats. I've moved seats at a concert before because somebody had too much perfume on. Yeah, it was... I can see how you would... It was too much for me.

And then there was another guy on the train who said to the lady, she said, do you want anything to eat? And he said, no, I'm feeling a bit sick actually I thought we're all dying on this couch from this guy we're gonna die of Tom Ford's disease so it was really weird I can't think of a better way to go also I was drinking a lot of water but I was drinking a lot of water and I went on a three-hour train journey, I went six times to the toilet.

And I could tell there were people, because those northerners were thinking, more ketamine, no doubt. It was that kind of look. Because, you know, there's a celebrity in and out the toilet. It was a terrible journey for me in many ways. Couldn't breathe, couldn't go to the toilet. It was a terrible journey for me in many ways. Couldn't breathe, couldn't go to the toilet. Oh, fine.

Anyway, that's that done. I'm not going to, oh, that reminds me of something. I'll tell you after this. Friendship on Absolute Radio. Do you remember, did I tell you last week on air, I can't remember, I was going out with my manager because it was our 30th anniversary. How was it? Did you have a lovely time? Yeah, we went to the first posh restaurant I think he took me to when he was trying to impress me when I was a young up-and-coming comic. And that was where I ordered steak tartare

well done I didn't know that steak tartare was basically raw steak that's what the point was and not only did he laugh but the waiter laughed I mean without any restraint and also people on an adjoining

table laughed as well. It does sound like a deliberate joke though though, doesn't it? Yeah, I don't think anyone thought that. I think they thought, ha-ha, working-class people makes fools of themselves. My favourite trope, they all thought. Anyway, we went back there. I would have ordered steak tartare, but it's no longer on the...

It would have been like the pretty woman moment. Yeah, exactly. we're not that close but we sat you know it's been 30 years i've been with my manager so we sat and talked about the old you know the old uh comics and all that stuff very enjoyable i'm not big on nostalgia but it's quite good he's my manager the first time I ever met him before he was my manager, I was talking to him in a bar at this venue and the owner of the venue walked in and said why don't you sell your own tickets

and threw about 20 books of tickets at him and then walked out again. So that was when I got an idea of his dealings with people. On another occasion, I walked into the office and he was saying, well, you can keep your something program and your stupid job. And he slammed the phone down and the phone disintegrated. And I looked up and he looked at me and said,

oh, Frank, you won't be doing 606 this week. So anyway, we went out. But this is what the, can you believe this was the conversation that we got around to? Is if I had a time capsule of my career that could only have five projects in it, what would they be?

Go on then. Well, I don't feel, I put the radio show in this show what about that that is fantastic did the Brits go in the Brits I didn't put in that was a taboo subject

at the thing because one has to digest during these conversations and what if you'd mentioned the Brits and I'd just go... Anyway... It would have been like that steak tartare all over again. Oh, steak tartare. Tartare to that. Did they crack a raw egg on steak tartare?

I don't know. I never got it. When they told me what it was, I was horrified. I believe it's mince with a raw egg, isn't it? I believe it's posh roadkill is what steak tartare is. Anyway, I realised that the five he'd put in were... I was doing ones that I'm most proud of. He was doing gross earnings. It was a different criteria altogether yeah is it a criteria or a criterion 8 12 50 no no don't don't waste your money um so yeah it was it was nice but um

in the end it was a lot of time rejecting things that i'd done as not good enough for my time capsule it wasn't the tone I wanted on an anniversary. It's like if couples should start saying the five episodes in their relationship that would go in the time capsule and then rejecting. Well, what about when Douglas was born? Sorry, that doesn't make my top five.

You know what I mean? You can imagine the tension. Try any guys out there, anniversary coming up. Get your time capsule ready. We've had a review in. Oh, yeah. Do you remember at the beginning of the show,

you mentioned the card that we'd given the producer? Oh, yeah. the awful card. I should say I was reprimanded by the assistant producer that the reason she bought that card is it's made of recycled coffee cups. But you know when recycling stops a couple of stages before the end of the recycling and leaves it still a bit raggedly original?

It's a bit like that. It's a shade of pumpkin that only a die-hard Halloween fan could love. Yeah, I mean, we could have just squashed a coffee cup and written happy birthday on it. It looks like we did. Just to eliminate the middle man. So,

poor woman. Fishy Bob has got in touch to say he has a comment. We put a picture of the card up on social media and Fishy Bob says, very route one. Yeah, well, it says happy birthday and that's it. So I know what Fishy Bob means. We also have, Todor wants to know, didn't you pop a tenor in Frank? no I don't I did that recently actually

for Victoria Coram Mitchell I put a fiver in her cart she's doing alright and she said thank you very much she sent me a text and I thought oh hold on has she got it? because she pretty gets everything

and I said you know, hold on, has she got it? You know, because she pretty gets everything. And I said, you know, it was ironic. And she said, I know it was ironic, but I still felt quite excited that I had that fiver to spend on anything I liked. So, you know, it's not completely wasted, a note in the card. No, it's good. Not at all. Can I, you know, I've been... I'm going to say it again. I've been away filming for the last three weeks.

I come back at the weekends. Yeah. I'm done with it now. So I've been taking... Obviously, I miss my child. So last week, I took him out. I bought him some comics and some new trainers. And then we went to see...

I can't remember what it's called Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Ring I'm basically I'm doing the Divorce Father at weekends bit while we're doing this yeah I should be halfway up Westminster Abbey dressed as Captain America any time now but um so that that's all been lovely and some of the stuff i've been doing as i've been in the lakes and this this is very you emily i ended up in the back of a quad bike thing like a little um a little basket in the back with four sheepdogs oh four i mean i i call that heaven well it was a big cold up there and I drew them to me I took them in an embrace

and they were very warming If anyone's got a badly insulated house sheepdogs I would recommend What's the collective noun for them? Is it a flock of sheepdogs? I hope not That would cause a bit of a stir wouldn't it? How did you find the sheepdogs?

You know what? A shepherd. I'll tell you what I liked. They found me. Yeah. I'll tell you what I liked about them is that they really went for the coddling and the love, which I didn't think they would because sheepdogs are a bit like the police, aren't they? You know what I mean?

They're in a role of authority, and they basically are in a situation where they just hang out with their own most of the time, because people are unsettled about mixing with them. And there was a real sense of... I had all, honestly, my arms around all four of them. And there was honestly a sense of them thinking, you know what? We don't get enough of this in our line of work.

But I find they have the authority, but they also have the Rick Parfitt hairdo, which I respect. Well, yeah, you never respected it on Rick Parfitt. You've changed. I just thought it was great to be, you know, I felt like I was on the shop floor of farming. And, of course, the farm is very no-nonsense and, you know,

well, you know, yeah, but they were yesterday and I'll do this and all that. And I was just thinking, oh, okay, they smell awful, but even so, you know, they're at work. That's fair enough. But, yeah, I would recommend them for lagging. You get all the best tips here on the Frank Skimmer Show. We've had a text in. Happy birthday, Anne.

Are you at home? I have a little something for you. It's Debbie, by the way. Hmm. I think that might not be for us. Okay. I don't know, maybe. You know, that thing you used to get in newspapers that were like codes for

Russian spies. Well, that's what I'm hoping. What about if you've read that out and that's triggered World War III and it's all down to you? Be a great underhand wife starting World War III and it's all down to you. Be a great underhand wife starting World War III so send a text to Absolute Radio. I do not want that on this show's Wikipedia. No, exactly.

It's a real shame. Big lost thing, you know, overlooked by the Avivas, but all that will be listed about the show and then at the end it says started World War 3 with a text. I think to be fair we're guaranteed a spot in your time capsule now though.

We start World War 3. We've also had some reviews in for the birthday card Frank. Oh yeah. Bleak. Yeah. Pindafill says did it come with garage flowers? Garage flowers, a little bit of carbon bleak yeah Pindafill says did it come with garage flowers mmm

garage flowers a little bit of carbon monoxide underneath every petal yeah Dan Smith all it's missing

is a full stop at the end yeah do you should one punctuate happy birthday I think

a full stop at the end feels rather I don't know it feels a bit cold I think people used to send me happy birthday with dot dot dot at the end feels rather, I don't know, it feels a bit cold. I think people used to send me happy birthday with dot, dot, dot on the end, but as I've got older, they've stopped doing it.

They've just sent the full stop. I think I would interpret... Or exclamation mark, I guess. Not a year. Another one. Well done. I would interpret a full stop as a sort of happy birthday for what it's worth. Right, yeah. Yeah, that might be right.

But then I interpret most things as that. I'm getting a bit of a... Do you remember Little Plum, who was a Native American who appeared in the Beano? And he was a thin person with his bowling ball belly. I do. the Beano and he was a thin person with his bowling ball belly and I have just, while I've been away I've just been dining like a king

I had a suet pudding the other night, I mean, you know when like steak and kidney pies and fat and off, you have to have a suet covered, it's like it's in like a wet leather envelope full of meat. Who were you eating with? Charles

Dickens? He was there, actually. Was it just suet pudding? Was it jam roly-poly? No, no, it was steak and kidney suet pudding. Oh, right. Yeah, exactly. That's what I thought. Charles Dickens, Gordie Goes On, a review by

Frank. Exactly, he does go on a bit. Sh's what I thought. God, he goes on. The review by Frank. Exactly. He does go on a bit. Shorter books, Charles. Oh, not another character, Charles. Okay, they're colourful and, you know, and beautifully described, but do we need them? Well, the thing is, you say, yeah, I know you always say that, mate.

Charles Dickens' publisher there in a little slice of life. You're getting warmed up for the Frank Skinner prose podcast. Exactly. I'm doing a podcast with Charles Dickens. No, but you must remember it was serialised. I know it was serialised

but, you know, so it's a money thing the big fat book. Well, I never, I mean, I'm's a money thing, the big fat book. Well, I never, I mean, I'm an artist. And you treated your wife like dirt. Why bring that? I said I won't do it if you bring that up.

Yes, that's that. Dickinson's skin are unplanned. But man, I'm packing some now. I don't like it. Oh, I predict a diet. Oh, man. Yeah, that's actually my little plum. Oh, I predict a diet. Oh, man. You hear that? That's actually my little plumb. Oh.

Not a bad little drumming rhythm. I went in a rowing boat yesterday. I've never been in a rowing boat before. Oh, how was it? Well, was I anxious is the question. If the police went, you know when the police go through people's phones when they've done something bad to see what text they've sent and all when they do that on 24 hours in police custody i can't even look well they're not the i was rowing on the actually on the thursday i was rowing on

the wednesday on the thursday morning at 3 40 a.m they would see on my phone that I'd Google, can you drown in a life jacket? So I was anxious as it turned out, and it was great. Oh, did you enjoy it? I said to the boatman, I said, can I drown in this lake? He said, it's 60 feet deep, so yes. Thanks. But now I'm thinking of buying one. I love it now. Roll, roll. I actually sang the, oops, I'm thinking of buying one I love it now

roll I actually sang the right oops I'm sorry I actually got to sing that sort of in situ this is

Frank Skinner this is Absolute Radio this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran

you can text the show on 81215 follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. So many ways to get in touch. Has anyone got in touch? They have. We've had, I'd like to share this tweet from at another brick. Oh, Pink Floyd fan. You another brick. Hmm, OK.

Oh. Pink Floyd fan. Pink Floyd fan. Pink Floyd enthusiast. You know what that means, Frank? Yeah. My favourite. Go on. The public school boys from Pink Floyd.

Go on. Hey, Provost, leave those kids alone. Yeah. We, another brick has said of the card that I'm afraid we've been ruthlessly... I mean, some of the things we've said about this card, Frank... It was sent with love, obviously. Oh, was it? No, it was. Another brick says, did you make it yourself?

I quite like it, apart from the lack of cap H. Well, this is a very strange phenomenon about this card. It only says happy birthday, but birthday has a capital B and the H is lowercase. And that is an interesting choice someone has made there. Al, what's your view on this? It sounds, I mean, it's not for me to say, but it sounds slapdash.

It sounds to me like the card... The consistency. It sounds like it said birthday. They made a load of cards with birthday on and then you decide whether you want them to have a happy birthday and indifferent birthday and you just scribble that on the top last minute. That's what it feels.

I think an OK would have been capitalised, I suspect. Well, I'm going to start looking at happy birthday cards now to see if that is a convention, the small age capital B. I mean, it's really hard to rationalise it grammatically. Yeah. It's as if... Any help out there, 8, 12, 15? It's an insult to the role of happy.

Yeah. I suppose it's saying... It's undermining. It's saying, and this is a sentiment I like, that happiness isn't everything. You know what I mean? It's more important things. OK.

So if you were ever thinking of buying myself or Frank or Alan a birthday card, I'm sure you can do so now, feeling incredibly confident. Yeah, I'm thinking I'd quite like a card on a birthday card, I'm sure you can do so now, feeling incredibly confident. Yeah, I'm thinking I'd quite like a card on my birthday that just says birthday. And I can fill in at the end of the day when I've had a chance for some proper genuine retrospect

to decide how it went. I think that would be dotted line birthday. And then you fill them all in at midnight. Or maybe just happy birthday question mark. And then, as you say, you decide. Because there was a time on my birthday I would not be able to fill them in at midnight. I wouldn't be able to write. They'd all end up with wee on them.

Absolute radio. Awful. Anyway, anything else from Alfresco 851 has texted the show morning team thought of you

this week when hosting a company call with a group of Americans and one mentioned being on Long Island

all I could think was what a great example of that'll do Nathan that is true they say I had to hide my mirth as I doubt any of them were Frank Skinner show readers of that'll do nating. That is true. They say, I had to hide my mirth,

as I doubt any of them were Frank Skinner show readers. No, probably not. Had I tried to explain, I suspect they would have thought I was making fun of their country. Praise redacted. Is there an accompanying Short Island? Do you know? I've never heard.

Gets very little press. That's the sort of danny monogue kylie monogue situation where poor short island is overlooked a lot of the time well there's what are the little rock is the uh they do exist little rock that's a good example of that'll do yes you're just looking around for inspiration. Sand, dog poo. What about Little Rock? Nearly dog poo. Well, they must look back on that

when they have the birth of the city celebration. It was nearly dog poo. Would we want to be celebrating that? I don't think so. I don't think so, Geoff. What's an English guy doing as mayor? I want to know in this scenario. Well, I came over here and

I just embraced the place. Good. All good. I was looking at there's a thing I was just talking to Emily about. There's a thing on the BBC news site that gives you the whole day's front pages of the newspapers.

I haven't really bought a newspaper for about a year and a half. No. But, oh, hold on. I've been told by the producer I can't continue with this. Well, what have you done now? Well, you know what? She really creeps around so you don't notice that and then says

the time is that you've done too long on this and you don't even pick it up out the corner of your eye and then you realise you've started a new thing like I'm doing now to some extent. That happened. Okay. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So anyway I was looking at the front pages, and it's a long time since I've laughed at the tabloid headlines. It's a kind of an 80s thing that's been over, Dom. But on the front of the Daily Star, there was some Extinction Rebellion people sitting on the M25 stopping the traffic, you know, talking about how traffic and carbon monoxide,

all the damage that does. Oh, yeah, they caused a car crash, didn't they? Did they? Yeah. Oh, well, anyway. Good people. Well, I sympathise with their conviction. Anyway. Yeah. Well, I sympathise with their conviction. Anyway.

Yeah. Well, I do. Anyway. I said, yeah. The front line, the star didn't. The star, the headline was, Have a day off, Tarquin. Now, that's an interesting...

Is there anyone called Tarquin anymore? Have a day off Tarquin And then it said underneath Posh people stop ordinary people going to work That was the soft thing I thought wow This is the morning star If they'd have gone this way

It could have changed Yeah Tarquin I mean who? If there's any Tarquins out there, please text me. Do you know any Tarquins? I don't think I've ever met a Tarquin in my life. I know one.

Do you? I didn't grow up with any. I know one and I'm going to call him reassuringly posh. What I mean by that is with the name. But he's charming. Look, if you've got that name, you better be posh, probably. Yeah, exactly. But he's charming. Look, if you've got that name, you better be posh, probably.

Yeah, exactly. What I would say is that when I called my child, when me and Kath called our child Baz, there was a lot of Daily Mail comments saying, you idiots, he'll be bullied for this all his life. But those people hadn't been into a school for 30 years. There's always some interesting names. Oh, he's shot Chrysanthemum, you're trampled

in the rush. Yeah, it's not all John and Karen anymore. The other name I felt that's good. Who sat in the posh name chair? It was very much Tarquin and also Tristram for a while. Tristram is, yeah.

So you can't do these and then that person have a strong regional accent. You can't go, Tarquin. But Tristram was the one that A.A. Gill used to use in the Sunday Times, the critic, who I always thought was posh. He certainly sounded posh. And you can't have posh people mocking posh people. I mean, you know, stick together, guys.

Yeah. Anyway, that was that. Yeah. But the one person that featured on the cover of every newspaper, guess who it was? Boris Johnson. No, not even Boris Johnson no not even Boris Johnson

what's his name Biden Joe Biden no you're going to have to go female the girl tennis player as you say

the girl tennis player that's fame I know cruel fame can be Where were we? We were about to discuss Emma Raducanu Am I saying that right? Because I've not actually heard any radio or television about her

I've just seen news story after news story. So I feel a bit like when I mispronounced sandwiches at school. Or when Jimmy Hill said, and the ball goes to Cantona. Well, I actually, I don't love tennis, but I like it. Do you think that would have been a hit if someone, instead of I don't like cricket, but I like it. Do you think that would have been a hit? Instead of I don't like cricket, I love it. If someone had brought out I don't love tennis, I like it. It's all about moderation. I would say you have a healthy overview of sport.

I think you're something of a renaissance man when it comes to sport. I never get fully through this sentence normally without people going, but I prefer women's tennis because, thank you, it's shorter. Men's tennis just goes on and on. It's like flying to Sydney,

watching five sets of tennis. And like's like flying to Sydney, watching five sets of ten. And like when I fly to Sydney, I end up reading something, maybe watching a movie in the middle of it. But three sets, I'm all right with that. Well, you see, I like men's tennis, so that works out well. I like that. I like the endurance of it. Oh, no, too long. It's a bit too long.

I remember a priest saying that about when his mum used to read the rosary. And mummy would do the rosary and daddy would do all the trimmings. And I used to think I was a bit too long. Looking back, I was nice. Anyway. Some good chats with priests about isn't there oh I'll say

so maybe I should get into it yeah so I watched it oh did you I watched it I watched it the final

did Kath get involved no Kath went to bed but she started watching it and then she's even got less tennis endurance than me

but I thought I'm going to be alright and she's good radicana because she tends to win in straight sets that's even got less tennis endurance than me but I thought I'm gonna be all right and she's good radicana because she tends to win in straight sets that's even shorter but I realized match of the day was on and I thought oh my god I'm watching tennis and match of the day is on the other side and I'm sticking with the tennis and so I watch match of the day recorded then from the beginning. And at some point, Gary Lineker said, I have to say, with all, you know, apologies, but we've actually been watching the Emma Raducanu game rather than concentrating on the football.

So then I felt better. So, yes, it was. Extraordinary. Can I say, Gary, I start with you and I I watched Raducanu on catch-up, thank you. Well, what about that? You watched Match of the Day and I watched the women's tennis. The world's upside down now. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So, Raducanu. Yes. We should discuss well she's she's the uh she's the um sports person de jure i would say she doesn't win the sports personality of the year oh no she will do i'll tell you what i was a bit disappointed by at the end her opponent who'd got absolutely furious at one point but got nice again at the end said um yeah congratulations to uh emma and her team and um and then emma says um i think of her as emma now oh she's rm rm and she said yeah well done I can't remember what the girl's called

but she says well done to her and her team and I thought oh is that what happens now they bring in all the it put me it's faulted for me

a little bit you know it's like when comedians use writers I just I want to believe that she did it not her team

you know it's anyone being brought in don't share that against a wall yeah the back room boys it, not her team. Shane hates anyone being brought in. He thinks he practices against a wall. Yeah, the Bat Room boys. Is that the Bat Room? I mean, come on.

No, I don't know. They're in a team one. It's not a team sport. It's like when you got angry when they made, who wants to be a millionaire? What? Remember that, Al? Frank's objection to the programme starring Michael Sheen about the coughing major,

he said, if he wants to be a millionaire. And Frank said, yeah, but they're all producers and commissioning editors. I don't want the staff. I don't want a drama about the staff. No, I don't. I don't want... You know, they've got their own little world,

which, you know they tend to illuminate with class A drugs but yeah there's a place for everything and everything for it's place I think that's fair enough I don't want to see the end trails of things

we don't want that what you're saying is you don't and by the way Daniel Skipsy one, one of our regulars, hi Daniel, Leila Fernandez. Leila, thank you, Leila Fernandez. I should have remembered that, but you know, she's the opponent and with all that brings me. Well, frankly, not the winner either. No, exactly.

But she, yeah, because Kath was saying to me, she seems a lovely girl, that Fernandez, and then we saw her turn. They can all turn sports people. Yeah. I don't think there's any question about that. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. We were talking about Emma Raducanu. Emma Raducanu. I'll tell you what's good about Emma Raducanu. It's in Wimbledon. Everyone was saying,

oh, she's going to be brilliant this one. And then she got to like, what was it, the quarterfinals and had a slight meltdown. And then John McEnroe was saying, well, you know, some people, it's, you know, it's the pressure and all that. So it's a sort of a Barlovian resurrection

that's gone here in the Gary Barlow style. Oh, I see. Yeah, that it looks like it's all over. What did you hear? I thought you meant that she'd set the bar low. Oh. And then sort of got over it, as it were. No, she came back from, you know, from being dismissed,

which is always a nice, I mean, you know, it's like if we won another ARIA for this show. Yeah. No, it's not having been in the wilderness years it's worth saying she's only 18

only 18 you always have to say that I spent my 18th year sulking I did not win any major tennis tournaments so fair play

no I think if you had we'd surely you'd have mentioned it by now on the show if you'd won one of surely have mentioned it by now on the show, if you'd won one of the Grand Slams. Well, I've heard my own performance achievements

pretty close to my chest, actually. I find with young people achieving things, there's a general sense that we've all had a sort of memory lapse because they always say, and people forget that she's only 18. No, we don't because they're always saying and people forget

she's only 18 so of course we remember. But yeah, they're all young though, aren't they? Those breakthrough tennis. Well, she, well, this is the thing.

It's like we often say on this show, you can say I'm only 18. When is the cut-off point, Frank, I've told you? 27, isn't it? You can't be only 27. What I'm saying, guys, is hurry up. That's all Don and Doss did by 27.

She trousered 1.8 million, though. I didn't see that coming, because it was something like 2.6 million. I was watching the thing at the end, and they said you receive a cheque for 2.6 million i was watching the thing at the end and they said you receive a check for 2.6 million dollars i thought way i didn't when i won the perrier i got 1500 quid yeah but it was still nice who presented it to you um i'll be someone good back in that day i oh it's awful but i can't remember okay I think when I was 18

I made about maybe maybe four or five hundred quid that year working in the ship inn in Merfield yeah but I think

as we mentioned you didn't win a Grand Slam tournament you've got to stop comparing yourself don't put yourself down like this do you think

everyone's at home comparing Alan Cochran to Emma Raducanu how different aren't they remember the people used to used to be a remark Do you think everyone's at home comparing Alan Cochrane to Emma Raducanu? How different. Aren't they? Remember, there used to be a remark that people made. Say if you were at home and someone broke wind with alarming ferocity, someone would say,

anyone like the home life of our own dear Queen? That's the thing people used to say. But of course, we didn't know that for certain. No. Let's face it, we've learnt more and more. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website if you please. Emma Raducanu, she said when asked about the prize money, £1.8 million. Pounds, yeah.

Yeah, pounds. She said her parents are going to source out her prize money, which is great. I would say as a former child actor, maybe lawyer up. Oh, OK. Yeah. Trusting of her. Trusting.

Yeah, Gary Coleman is all I can think. Gary Coleman was in that. No further questions at this time. OK, Gary Coleman was in an American sitcom, Different Strokes. Yes. And when he got to 18, I think, to get all his money, his parents had basically spent it.

Imagine that. And that ended up in court. Yeah. Why are you crying, Em? However, there was, I enjoyed this. They had a quote from, I believe her parents are lovely people. And they don't seem sort of starry and interested. They seem, you know, they didn't come, to be fair,

because I believe they were unable to. I kind of like that. It's a bit too far to go. Well, I like, I think they're quite cool about it. And also, I think a lot of the young tennis players, they decide early on they're going to be, and then they get homeschooled and they just play tennis. She just went to a normal school and stuff.

So, oh, she is our lovable girl next door. I think the parents seem to have done a good job, and they don't seem like helicopter parents. However, I am interested in the sound of Nicolini. Nicolina, the paternal grandmother in Bucharest, who apparently said, she was asked about it and she said, I've never told anyone I'm the grandmother of a Grand Slam champion. I'm a very modest woman.

Nice. She told the Daily Mail. Also, it wouldn't have been factually accurate if she'd done it before no she hasn't had that long to tell people that i like the sound of nicolina i think i just like i'm a very modest woman discuss you know it's um isn't it a bit like saying i'm not someone who likes listing all my virtues but you're gonna for a grandma that to be, can you imagine the old pride factor? Fantastic. That's what you call her now, the old pride factor.

Yeah, her saying she's a very modest woman, it's sort of the inverse of Paul Ince calling himself the governor and asking everyone else to say he's the governor. I'm just saying, I think, Al, Nicolina sounds a bit, you get her a Gucci bag at Christmas, next thing you know it's sweets at the Ritz Carlton and Pomeranians. OK? Watch that one.

Anyway, the big debate, of course, the big tennis debate after all this, is what are they going to call that mound at Wimbledon that fans sit on? Which has been, what has it been? It's been Henman Hill. Yeah. It was... Morry Mound. Morry Mound, yeah.

Is that it? Did they try and do something with Greg Rudetsky? Oh, I hope so. Rudetsky. I think they called it Greg Residentsky. Oh, very good. He lived there. No, I just made that up.

Greg Gorge. And they've suggested just made that up. Greg Gorge. And they've suggested... What was it? Greg Gorge. Greg Gorge. Oh, like Cheddar Gorge. Yeah, exactly. But it's not actually a gorge.

But never mind. It's not really a gorge. He was gorged, huh? Aye. I mean, I'm quite a fan of it being... It's not like with Louis Spence. I think it should be at Henman Hill forever because to me that's more representative of British tennis

than Emma Raducanu because that thing of never quite making it is very British tennis, isn't it? And I like the idea of it. It's like the uphill struggle all on Henman Hill. So I'd really like them to stick with that. Yeah, it's no good naming it after winners all the time. Let's go with the nearly man.

I kind of like that. So what have they suggested as possibilities? There's Raducanu Ridge, was there? Yeah, Raducanu Rise. See, also, for me, if she's going to be, I think she needs to get her shortened because Emma Raducanu has too many syllables. I'm thinking Emrad.

That's good. And Emrad Hill, and suddenly it all starts to, because it's near enough to Edmund Hill, and you can go Mount Emrad or whatever you want. It's a good word, Emrad. Do you know? It is the sort of word that you'd see on a van with it underneath all your home heating requirements written.

And you know when they do that in like joined up writing instead of the black capitals to suggest a lovely warm domesticity. Emrad. Come to Emrad. On Absolute Radio. Shall we return to what we call the previously section on the show? Oh yeah, which is bat references

to previous shows. Yes. Some of our readers have got in touch. Before we go there, is there a little bit of word merging possible with Raducanu and Hill and make it like Radu Chill? Radu Chill. It's cool to be there.

Oh, I see. Oh, yeah. Right, it doesn't work. Now I can see that I am talking about the chill bit. It's not very Wimbledon. Have you been to Wimbledon? It's kind of a shame it isn't. I haven't, no. It's great, Wimbledon. It's kind of a shame it isn't. I haven't, no.

It's great, Wimbledon. It's kind of a shame it isn't. A cul-de-sac. Well. It's a bit Raducanu close. Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Like British tennis.

If anyone's got any ideas for the hill at Raducanu, do send them in to 81215. We do have some. Davidid blondell has been in touch how about the radu ramp okay and then dave has reminded us uh one dave hendo has reminded us that they tried rodetsky ridge frank oh did they that's a bit like rhodesian ridgeback though isn't it the dog breed and that would have confused people. Oh, yeah. Although I think the Crofts-Wimbledon overflow is quite...

They're quite similar. Yeah. Yeah. OK. Let's go to our... Sorry, I interrupted Emily. That's all right. We interrupt each other all the time, Al.

Listen, what you need to know about me is I'm a very modest woman. I told the Daily Mail only this morning. Can I take us back to, let's go back in my time machine, to the 12th of September. That's a time machine sound. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. This is from Josh, by the way. I'm not sure who, but one of you, one of you has a squeaky chair.

I've noticed it for weeks. It's my spine. It's my artificial spine. But I've only thought to message you now as it's getting pretty full on. Is it? That's from Josh. Shall we try it? I'm going to see But I've only thought to message you now as it's getting pretty full on. Is it? That's from Josh. Shall we try it? I'm going to see if it's me.

No. Frank? No. Must be Al. No, it was you, Frank. Was it? I haven't got a chair here. Were you standing, Al?

No, I'm... You're not hanging from those ankle clamps that they use, Richard Gere used in American Gigolo. When we play a song or some adverts, I just do crunches continually. That's how I'm keeping in shape these days, by doing the show upside down. All the blood gets you all right.

I do the show from underneath a shelf so I sort of sit or squat on the floor or on a little cushion thing so there's no squeakiness here it's like no squeakiness here

padded I don't know where the squeakiness is coming from I think it's Frank's chair I think it's Frank's chair. It might be my old bones. I think it's Frank's chair. Remember, my bones are like an arrow. I have to be careful.

If I fall off this, that's me done, possibly. Okay. I can't hear any squeaking, but I'm sorry if we're squeaking. We'll have it looked into. That's all I can say about that. I blame the producer. I mean, if someone hears the squeaking, you'd think we'd have been told about it and something would have been oiled.

But no. They're texting most of the time, let's face it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I know we've been discussing Emma by the way. Emrad.

Tony Tudor has suggested, I mean, hi, Tony Tudor, my kind of guy. Tony Tudor has suggested Emma Fielding. Oh. Which is taking Emma Fielding, who wrote the diary of... That's Helen Fielding. Oh, yeah. Who's Emma Fielding, then? I don That's Helen Fielding. Oh yeah. Who's Emma Fielding then? I don't know. Oh. Oh sorry. That's gone wrong. Sorry. You'll have to

send us an explanation. It is a character in some literary. Emma Fielding. It's a literary heroine isn't it? Is it? It'll be one of the Austins. You are. It'll be a great name for a lady cricketer. Can we please talk about one of my faves. Could well be a great name for a lady cricketer Can we please talk about One of my faves

Could well be a good point as well She could be Or a square leg One of my faves Yeah Chris Oh Chris of course is back at Man United And started off with two goals

We should say for anyone who doesn't listen to the show regularly And thinks who's Chris Chris Ronaldo. Yeah, Frank likes to call him Chris. Well, it's like the same as Emrad. We all have to, you know, we have to abandon a few syllables when we go into life, because otherwise people can't be bothered to say our names.

Well, it's like Frank, David Baddiel says, Frank's the only person who's ever called him Dave. Really? Yeah. I am sorry. No, he said it with great affection. Oh, okay. Well, that's good.

It was your special thing for him. But you like that. You like the shortened form and I like it too. However... Chris Ron. Chris Ronell. Chris? Yeah.

He started well, Chris, didn't he? He did. He did well. You're mentioning him a lot because he's in your fantasy football team, Chris Ronaldo Chris he started well Chris didn't he he did he did well you're mentioning him a lot because he's in your fantasy football team isn't he yes

he's not a bad player advised by Frank Skinner he's alright took Frank Skinner's advice paid off it wasn't exactly startling advice

was it try Cristiano Ronaldo you might want to give something to Matt Ford he can do with it I was interested in this though this little detail Cristiano Ronaldo. You might want to give some to Matt Ford so he can do with it. I was interested in this, though. This little detail.

Lee Grant, is it? See, he's the goalkeeper at Man United, isn't he? I'm not very interested in the Premier League. Carry on. These days. No, exactly. Frank, get back. I hated it. I either hate it or I'm not interested in it, depending on whether we, get back. I hated it. I either hate it

or I'm not interested in it depending on whether we're in it or not in it. Anyway, yes. He's already started a mini revolution, Chris, hasn't he? Oh, yes.

Because as we know, as those of us who remember him moving two bottles of Coca-Cola at the Euros and saying Viva Aqua.

He has a very healthy diet. There was a great bit when someone asked him if they thought his son was going to be a footballer and he said no, because he drinks Coke and goes to McDonald's. I mean, whoa. All right. So, I mean, you'd never guess to look at him

that he really takes care of himself. It does feel like one of those non-news stories. Extremely lean man has lean diet. No, but Al, he said... If I wrote to Chris and said, I'm a big fan of yours, you're a great player, could I come along to training and do a brass robbing of your abdomen?

What's the chance of him saying yes i think he might be up for it well let's see should we try it we should say tell him you work at the cathedral lee grant we should say said uh that the t his teammates were actually too terrified to eat dessert because of Ronaldo. They watched him. One of them apparently whispered to him, have you seen what's Cristiano got on his plate? The answer was boiled eggs, avocado and quinoa.

This is on a Friday night where they often have, as Lee Grant put it, did you like the way he put it, guys? He said, usually on a Friday night, there's a few cheap foods, a bit of apple crumble and custard, or you've got a bit of brownie and cream. You've got a... Yeah. So footballer.

Revolutionised the place though already. Not one went up for a bit of brownie and cream or apple crumble. What's that film where she says, I'll have what she's having? They basically did a version of that where they said says, I'll have what she's having? They basically did a version of that where they said, I'll not have what he's having. Yeah, I'll have what he's not having. Yeah.

Yeah. But I mean, you know, when Cantona went into there, he did all this extra training that none of the others did. Yeah. Even though he was like the best player. And then like Beckham and Ryan Giggs and Sculls,

they all started copying him. So it can revolutionise. It's a slight worry that these inspirational figures always come from overseas. Discuss. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. One of my favourite novels of all time is a thing called The Discovery of Heaven by Harry Moolish.

In that, it says that... I can't remember the exact numbers, but it's something like 3% of people are evil and 3% of people are very, very good. And it's the rest of followers so um wherever you put those people those around them it'll kind of spread so while you feed so i think um that ronaldo is um he's coming in and he's spreading his waves of healthy eating and professionalism and all that. It's quite... Like, Luke Shaw is a great player,

but he looks like he could wreak havoc with an apple crumble. Yes. I bet you he's going to become now a sort of lean green grilling machine. Oh, he will. Actually, that's the George Foreman grill. Do you know what I mean? I don't think he's going to become that. It's a vegetarian version of the George Foreman grill. Do you know what I mean? I don't think he's going to become that. It's the vegetarian version of the George Foreman. George Foreman, they changed it to lean green grilling machine, I think,

to get across the fact that you could do vegetables in it as well as burgers. I've used my version of it for the grilled peppers. Don't mind it. It's very good, the George Foreman. And he gets a dollar a grill, he told me. Asparagus? You could put asparagus on there? Yeah, I used a grill and I liked it.

All I hope for Chris is that it doesn't come back to bite him. If you know what I mean. Why? Well, I mean, I've worked at a fashion magazine. You mean the Insignia funny scourge? No, I don't mean that. You'll never be huge. I have worked at a fashion magazine.

Yes. And there's been a lot of, are you eating that? Going around. Yeah. And I'm just saying, there is a very famous story, which is sort of legendary if you worked in a fashion magazine, of the intern who got her revenge on the boss, the calorie counting obsessed boss. For a year, she went to get her coffees and got her full fat milk instead of skimmed, I'm afraid.

Right. That could have killed her. Absolutely yummy. It's the sort of could have killed her. Absolutely yummy. It's the sort of fashion industry version of those poisonous stories you used to get. Is the point of this parable

that the boss had a really happy year? Yes. Well, I think she left her a note when she left. It was a post-it note saying, I've hated working for you,

blah, blah, blah, blah. By the P.S., I've been getting you full fat milk lattes every day for the last year. Oh, man, the shock of it. It was a big moment. Well, I knew a woman who did these sports, I don't want to name her,

but she'd been a very successful sports person and she became like a sports motivational person and went around working with. And she said that athletes, for example, would train, say, six hours a day for two years to take 0.0 of a second off their best time. That was their level of dedication. She said, when I work with footballers,

they'll say things like, well, I can't kick it with my left foot at all, but, you know, I've got all this stuff to do. Yeah. So it is a very different world, and I think Ronaldo brings some of the athlete within. I mean, those guys who can't use their left foot or their right foot,

have 20 minutes a day at the end of practice. Good point. For goodness sake. I know. Ollie, as I like to call him, the gaffer, Ollie was, he got quite defensive, which I liked. Oh, yeah, he said, oh, it's not like we were having junk food.

We know what you were having. You were having brownies and crumble and custard. Why are you calling that stuff? Yeah, he was caught out, Ollie. I imagine Ollie likes a rolled herring mop. Do you know he likes to settle down with a bit of herring and a nice hibson to go through? Yeah, well, I was in Iceland once, which

is still Scandinavia, I believe, and we had a putrefied shark, which is a shark which they bury in the ground until it rots. Imagine the team gathering around one of those. It was like having Vic went through

all the orifices. Anyway. We've been discussing the Chris Ron, Cristiano Ronaldo story where he's gone to Manchester United and they all copied him in eating or not eating dessert because he had the cleanest dinner they'd ever seen basically yeah I think he's missed a trick here I think he could and he's got a bit of money that's not a news story I think he could have employed one of those food technician specialists to make loads of healthy food look like cake you know like avocado and you know, like avocado and, you know, whatever else.

And then he could have just ate, like, 10, maybe 20 fake desserts with it all over his face, like that Monty Python sketch. Oh, yeah. And they would all be like, whoa, I never thought Chris would be that. Look at him, he's ploughing in the cake, but secretly he knows that it's good for him. And then they would have all copied him, and it would have been a laugh, wouldn't it?

And he would have destroyed his teammates with a piece of tape. Oh, actually, I never thought about the consequences. Yeah, and he becomes a one man show, he'd hate that. He wouldn't want that. Harold Larwood, who used to be England's star. Harold? Harold?

Don't leave me, Harold. Anyway, Harold Larwood was like the fastest bowler in the world, played for England. And, you know, when they have a drinks break at the cricket, they used to bring out a pint of bitter for Harold Larwood. And he would knock that back and then carry on playing test match cricket. So, you know, the theories have changed a little bit.

I remember an Arsenal player, who I probably shouldn't name, talking to me when Arsene Wenger first arrived there and I said, how's it going? me when Arsene Wenger first arrived there and I said how's it going? He said he's took the jelly bean bowl away.

I said what's that? He said we have a massive bowl of jelly beans and just before you go on the pitch you scoop out a big handful and cram them down. It gives you energy you know. He said he's took that away. I remember being on the phone to an Arsenal player

who I also won't name and mentioned thank you Alan mentioned a team mate of his and said oh sorry

he's just having a fag and this was on match day can I say was that pre pre Wenger it was it was in the George Graham

years they said this guy remember I've seen arson venga eating an apple with a knife and fork in a hotel restaurant but he also he was very keen on stretching first thing in the morning before a game and the way he started off doing that and motivating them was venga put both of his feet behind his head and he was so flexible all the players thought hold on if this old geezer can do it it's probably 40 um we we better get to it so that's how he that's how he fired him up well all I can say is pass the apple

and the knife and fork to Mikel Arteta, please? Because whatever it worked, and it's not working now. Well, I would... Wouldn't you love, though, a framed photo of Arsene Wenger on your wall with his feet behind his head? Yeah. That'd be a great picture. Oh, man. It'd be like one of those old gurning contests

where they used to look through a horse collar and pull faces. It's got long, thin legs as well. It'd be great. As the old Elvis Presley song says about yoga, there's one called Yoga Is As Yoga Does and he talks about

being twisted like a pretzel and that's how it sounds with arson. Thank you very much. Okay. You're all right, Elvis. It's all over my throat. Elvis, get it.

Thank you very much. Chris wouldn't like his diet, Frank. No, but you know, he had other pressures. Thank you for listening. I don't think I've been on top form today, I'll be straight with you. No, I think you've been lovely. Oh, I feel, I apologise to all of you. But, you know, next week I'll be back, don't worry.

It's like, I think, I feel this week I've been Radhikanu's meltdown at Wimbledon and next week's the Grand Slam. Okay. That's what I'm hoping for. Okay, anyway, thanks for that. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.