The Frank Skinner Show - Short King

Episode Date: September 3, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank and Emily are joined by Pierre Novellie. The gang discuss line dancing, Lewis Hamilton’s greatest fears and a military baboon.

This is Frank Skinner and Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner and Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli is with us this morning. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. I went slightly off mic, then no one noticed. It's all right. Morning, boys. Morning.

Morning, gents. Morning. Yes. You don't hear that very often, do you? Well, I've told you before, when do you hear it? You hear it when Piers Morgan is leaving his house addressing the paparazzi and members of the media. Morning, gents.

Yeah, I can see that definitely yeah okay um so um Faye much much name checked on this show is um producing today with uh Molly riding pillion and Sarah Bishop our normal uh producer is that uh normal the um something I might get the title producer. Is that a novel? Something, I might get the title wrong, it's something like the British Country and Western is it awards? Festival. It's a festival, the British Country and Western Festival in, of course

Blackpool. Yes. At the Gay Tower Ballroom is it still called that? I've no idea. It used to be called the Gay Tower Ballroom. I mean Tough Room. Pardon? Tough Room. a ballroom is it still called that i have no idea it used to be called the gate of the ballroom pardon tough room yeah asking me and pierre what is it called the ballroom at blackboard yes anyway um so they're they're up there i'm i'm guessing line dancing like there's no tomorrow do you think they'll be cracking out the door? You can line dance to other songs.

Can you though? I have. Frank actually got, he loved his line dancing. I remember that, Frank. You were very passionate about it. Well, I went through a period of profound loneliness. And the nice thing about line dancing is you don't have to take a partner. You can just go and dance.

So I would drive to Hendon. Sure. that you can just go and dance. So I would drive to Hendon and attend a mass sort of line dancing thing with a lady in a Stetson on stage with what we used to call a Madonna microphone, which I believe young people call a microphone. And she would lead us through and it's great. And then you just go home alone, and no one knows for sure that you weren't accompanied.

Okay. I imagine you have to wear a belt with a very large buckle. You don't have to. Some weeks I did, and some weeks I... I've actually got a John Wayne buckle. You know, these are detachable buckles. That sounds nice. Yeah.

I used to have a few buckles that I could choose from. I had an Ozzy Osbourne buckle as well. Yeah. Mid-eating bat. That's my name now. The line dancing is very good for the shorter man because it's a way you can introduce the heel. You get that extra two inches.

Oh, yeah, the Cuban heel. Yeah. Yeah, I never went for the cowboy boot. Did you not? No. It's hard to drive in, I find. I have to get to Hendon. I don't want to be like, you know that thing where you're in a car

and you're going to change your shoes? You can't work out where you put your feet. Do you put the shoes on the ground and then put your feet into them or do you bring them and they're by the pedal? They're on the pedals. I don't, oh man. No, I don't want that.

So I just went there and I danced in my straightforward footwear. I must have gone there six or seven times and then I... He's done it all, Pierre. He had an ice skating period. Do you remember that, Frank? Yeah, most of these were anti-loneliness devices.

One of Batman's lesser discussed accessories. The trouble is I was learning to ice skate, and I was... They used to queue. I used to go in for a lesson when it was closed. I came to watch you once. I did tell you I was, they used to queue, I used to go in for a lesson when it was closed. I came to watch you once. Yeah. I did tell you I was there.

Yeah. Well, what would happen is people would be queuing for when it opened, so I'd been there just before. So there would be a load of people watching me ice skate incredibly badly. And once, I remember, the guy was out that there it was a standing guy for the music or something and I was ice skating very very tentatively and this suddenly it went with all these people watching like some grotesque pantomime of humanity in crisis. I didn't enjoy that.

Oh, here's a thing. There's been a lot of talk about the cost of living just lately, which is, I mean, I can't ever remember anything being this bad economically and I was thinking about when I was um poor and there was a phenomenon that the poor used in those days which I don't know if this still exists and that was what I would call dyeing as a new garment deception technique. So you would have a white shirt which you would then dye blue as if you'd gone a new shirt. Right, I see.

And I don't know if people, do people still dye clothes? Hmm, interesting. The only thing, I mean, I've heard of people, it's quite common to, commonplace, I should say, to dye one's wedding dress, isn't it? Is it? To use, so then it can be a nice evening wear garment. Isn't it recognised, what about the veil?

Do you teach the veil? You don't need the veil. But also nice black sort of golf vibe maybe but it's dying it was honestly it's a comment my mom would you know dye something a different color deliberately not i'm talking about the red sock in the what has that gone no the last time i did anything can i say that molly and faye are both looking at me as if they dye clothing every day of the week they're quite quite mate-doing men, though. Are they?

Yeah. And that was quite trendy, the crocheting. The gents said like all that. Yes, quilt making. Yeah, crafts. They love crafts. Oh, man. What is it?

Etsy. What about it? What is Etsy? I'll deal with this, Pierre. Okay. No, you deal with it. Leap in. No, go on.

It's a sort of handmade craft version of eBay. Oh, okay. If you make your own jewellery, you can sell it on Etsy. I'll deal with this, Pierre. Okay. Leap in. No, go on. It's a sort of handmade craft version of eBay. Oh, okay. If you make your own jewellery, you can sell it on Etsy. Is it like the Yorkshire version of eBay? Do you know what? eBay gone. Oh, how lovely. Frank, you would actually like Etsy

because there's a lot of lovely sort of Doctor Who figurines. Oh, yeah. Is there? Handcrafted? Yeah. I'll tell you what puts me off. One of the most excruciating experiences I find is if you go to a craft fair and you think,

oh, I actually don't mind those dog, made out of dog's tooth key rings that they've got. And you pick it up and you say, oh, yeah. And the person is there. Yeah. And they say, I say, well, well they're nice how much are they and they'll say uh 23 pounds 50 and it's that the putting down and walking away how do you do that and i tend to go okay they're not and i'll say to them they're nice aren't they they're nice as if we're gonna yeah i'll put that let's anyway let's

have i'll say to them let's have a wander around. And what I mean to say is, no, no, that's wrong. I don't want that then, you scoundrel. It's too confronting. It's like the artist standing in the gallery in front of the painting. No, they shouldn't be there, the people who make them and stuff. They should not be there. That's just awkward.

What if they had a sort of rotation system where everyone runs the stall to their left? That would be better. And then when they say it's £23.50 and you go, that's much. I know, it's just a terrible, disgusting bracelet. Yeah, it's absolutely awful. Maybe you want to look at those scarves

made out of willow bark on my stall. But what I like about the craft fair is that they're still clinging on to the white sticker for the pricing. You know, the tiny round white sticker. You don't see that so often these days. Look, you know, God bless them. It's like I watch Antiques Roadshow. Congratulations.

I'll tell you what I like about it as a comedian. It is the... Antiques Roadshow is the spiritual home of laughing at things that aren't funny yes you know that sort of middle class filling in of silence there's a great deal of that so fiona bruce will say um well i i don't think so that's 10 000 pounds and fiona bruce will say well i don't think i'll be wearing that down to the fish and chip shop. Gets enormous laughter from everyone around and everyone thinks, that's it, life is okay.

There wasn't a silence there for us to think about our inner beings. Yeah, there's a lot of that. And the thing is, I've told you this before, but me and my partner shout gotted quite often when we watch Antiques Roadshow. So they'll say, yes, we've had these medals in the family for you, my great grandfather's medal. And he said, yes, well, of course, he said they have tremendous emotional value. At auction, probably between 150 and 200 pounds.

And me and Kath both show got it because they are the people you can see and they go oh they are Gotted, utterly Gotted whenever they say oh as much as that with a slight note of disappointment it's a show also that refuses to accept that Google exists

surely just Google it you've got a vase, Google it I'll tell you what it you've got a vase google it I'll tell you what it's worth got a full name and address

on the base and sometimes they'll say this vase been in the family for years much beloved and they'll say

okay I think an auction could get 70 to 80 pounds for it no go they'll say well I wouldn't

part with it open bracket now now I know it's worth nothing. We've heard from our lovely readers. Uh-huh. And, oh, good morning, Elvis. How are things?

Helen Haywood has got in touch with us. Oh, yeah. Morning. Dyeing is definitely very popular in my house. Not just clothes, but bedding. Bedding? And hair. Hair, yeah, but hair, I'm not including in this.

Because hair is generally, it's an affectation the dyeing of hair if the dyeing of clothes i think can be a practical thing if you dye your hair people don't think you've bought new hair no never um what if you tie dye your hair i suppose highlighting is tie dyed hair yes tie dye uh sharon has also got in touch. Nice, classic, simple. Hi Frank and team, I bought a dress a while back. I didn't like the pattern. Died it black. Now wearable.

And then she's done a thumbs up emoji. It does still exist. Did I tell you the other week that my partner Kat said to me, I saw blah blah, one of those people who dyes his teeth. And I thought, I've never heard it. I don't think I've ever heard it called.

She meant whiten. Oh. But it is dyeing, is it not? She didn't mean ritually dyes his teeth using a sort of red clay. Not different. Not like I had a cleaner once who came in with an alternate orange fingernail, yellow fingernail. And she said, I'm going to a breather next week.

And this is a sea and sand. I loved it. We've also heard from someone who just refers to themselves as Cardiff from Cardiff. Oh, yeah. Dear Frank Skinner, long time reader, from Cardiff. Oh, yeah. Dear Frank Skinner, long-time reader, first-time caller, I recently met someone who said that you were on their Mount Rushmore of comedy. Praise ever-present, but faithfully redacted. That's from Cardiff.

That's good. It's actually Irene from Cardiff. How many presidents are on? Is it four? Four. I believe there was, they feel there was room for a fifth but wasn't there a thing where the sculptor just abandoned the project? I think he just thought, oh I've done

four now, that's it. Wasn't there a story and it could be that Donald Trump investigated whether there was room? I think he almost certainly did. He looked out for vacancies. Imagine saying to a PA, will Checked out for vacancies. Imagine saying to a PA, will you check out for vacancies on Rushmore?

So who's on there, Pierre? Lincoln, Washington. Lincoln and Washington. And one of them's got spectacles. Roosevelt. Roosevelt and Jefferson. Because I thought that was a bold move by the sculptor to go for spectacles.

It's hard to know what decision to make with that. Hard to carve. Do you carve a flat surface of spectacle and paint the eyes on? No, you never do that. A la joke glasses. No. That would look like

the magnifying glass joke in Airplay. Yes. No, you can't do that. How did he do it? Has he just got blank spectacles like he's welding? Who's the fourth one then? It's Jefferson Roosevelt. Oh, Jefferson's on there.

I wouldn't recognise Jefferson if he walked in here now. No idea what Jefferson looked like. He'd be quite the guest. Yeah, he would. And later on we've got Thomas Jefferson on the show, who's flown in from Rushmore. They should have. I mean, it's a shame.

They should have carried on. You can't just abandon something like that or leave it at those four. Yeah, I know. It should have been added to all the time, like the oil paintings of prime ministers at Number 10 Downing Street. Or just like when you start writing a big sign at school, but you rapidly realise your initial letters are far too big. Yeah.

So the size of the president's head gets scratched. Yeah, so they're like tiny, tiny little... Got to fit them all in, oh God. Yeah. Tiny, tiny little... Got to fit them all in, oh God. Yeah. Tiny little... What is it that Samuel John said about Milton

that he could carve a mighty monument but he couldn't cut a face into a cherry stone? Meaning that he was great on big epics but not so good on little short poems. Quite clever, I thought. Absolute Radio. Real music matters. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Real music matters.

We've heard from... Yeah, you see, talking of Ultra Magnus, one of our regulars, he says, I believe that Jon Bon Jovi dyes his teeth a shade of very, very light blue. They actually show up white. I've seen Jon Bon Jovi's teeth from very close up oh congratulations i don't know if they've changed much but i they are the teeth that stick in my mind of when i first realized that the whole teeth thing was changing because you know in teeth you

get grooves and slight you know indentations but they yeah they were like piano keys they were absolutely flat on the surface the ones he had so they didn't they didn't look like he hadn't whitened them he'd done it was like a fence he'd built a sort of glowing white fence i didn't notice the blue tint i know in the superman Superman comics, the tint on his hair was always blue. The idea that his hair was so black. It's Reagan black. It's interesting, when I watch my dating shows, and I love my dating shows,

often the ladies will say, when they say, what are you looking for? Usually in the top three requirements is, and I've got to have someone with veneers. Really? Which strikes me as odd. usually in the top three requirements is and I've got to have someone with veneers really? which strikes me as odd that they say I've got to have someone whose teeth were so bad that they had to be filed down and new ones

were placed on them it seems an odd request, if they said I want nice teeth they don't say I want nice teeth they say he's got to have veneers well I knew someone who was absolutely ahead of the curve with um dating she went to a dating agency when they were called lonely hearts and um they she had to do an interview and fill in a form there was no internet or anything and uh they said that the most

commonly ticked box of absolute essentials in a partner was must live within five mile radius and i think that says so much about like the area and the time and because it's like yeah i'm absolutely in love with this guy, but I'm not catching the two bosses. I mean, he was my soulmate and he happened to live three and a half miles away. What are the chances? Isn't it amazing? But I also got a friend who said that when she was asked that she wouldn't go out with anyone under five foot ten. That was her first thing that she put down.

So we've all got our different priorities for dating see that's never bothered me yeah i'm a fan of the napoleon types no i can you went out with rod steiger didn't you in the 80s well there's very few people i didn't go out yeah 082 morning team at my boarding school in already when you got your first single or double room as opposed to dormitory the done thing was to steal

bed sheets and tie dye them and hang them on the walls these were called drapes more sophisticated boys would buy proper ones from Ken Market other essentials were red light bulbs joss sticks a good stereo system preferably by some artisan british manufacturer and of course ashtrays oh it sounds idyllic jimmy the face is one of our regulars keith painted an enormous

mushroom cloud on his bedroom oh what is What is it, a political act? A political act, yeah, with a CND symbol. Adorable. Oh, right. Pro or against the huge mushroom cloud? No, I think he was against nuclear. I bet R. Keith had a few ashtrays in his room. You don't meet fiercely pro-nuclear protesters, do you?

No. Is there an alternative to CND when they really like nuclear stuff? Well... Pierre Novelli is with us this morning. And I read some cracking reviews of your Edinburgh show. Oh, thank you very much. I mean, you come back on a wave of triumph. I wasn't sure.

I was expecting a cancellation this morning. How are you going to keep Pierre down on the farm now that he's seen Paris? Did you see Paris? I did. I'm too good for milking cows now. That's seen Paris. Did you see Paris? I did. I'm too good for milking cows now. That's what I think. Oh, thank you not to refer to me.

So did his show do well, Frank? Well, the stuff I read, it was great. It was a good month. Thank you to the listeners who came. I got a lot of people on the way out saying they'd heard me on this show. Okay. Which is good.

No, I don't think I met Simon of Sudbury or any regulars, but... Oh, you can't have everything. You can't have everything. I don't know how many of our people are legally allowed to travel. With the tagging and the curfews, very difficult.

Also, a lot of black T-shirts, the absolute business. They don't like the summer yeah two adults on the back yeah yeah so um yeah was it generally a brilliant edinburgh it was good it was interesting it's the first real one since pre-covid first big one um it was interesting to try and sort of i felt i felt more like a sort of market stall trader than I normally do, kind of eyeing up the Royal Mile and the number of crowds and saying, oh, good day for trading or bad day for trading.

You know, that's quite satisfying. Oh, okay. Did you have one of those leather pouches on that you used to have with change? Yeah. Thank God. And I was just yelling, fresh jokes! Just screaming into the spaces. I wish it was more like that.

I imagine that's what Bartholomew Fair was like in London. Yeah. It was all sorts of strange entertainments. One man who wore a leather dragon outfit and told a sort of medieval tale. Oh, my ultimate nightmare. Well, I don't nightmare well I don't know I don't know about that

and where did you stay did you have accommodation in the I haven't finished because of the big rental issues we ended up staying sort of an hours walk out of town so you could sort of trudge in and reflect

on previous days's show. That's always good, isn't it? To have a bit of an airlock between you and the madness, I think. Yeah, that's good. Also, walking back if you've had a great show is fantastic. Striding. It's like flying. I hope you had some disasters, though, whilst you were up there.

Oh, no. You had some disasters, though, whilst you were up there. Oh. Oh, no. I enjoyed, I put on quite a bit of weight, I think, just from the kind of random late-night meals and things like that. And I enjoyed the attempts by local restaurants at what they think is price gouging. But if you live in London and you've tasted real gouging, you know.

Yeah. And you go in and uh we we got told by the people printing our flyers that all the restaurants come in and get new menus printed the week before the fringe with their higher prices yeah like quickly laminate them quick and if you go to the chippies they haven't really bothered with that level of effort they've just put a post-it note with sort of six over the four in a 4. fish supper. I think that's fair enough. I think if you're going to be invited for a month, you should be able to cash in.

I don't begrudge the food outlets, but what I like is that they don't understand who they're dealing with, do they, when it's people from London, as if they're sort of getting one over on you. That'll be four. No, $6.99. Don't tell them.

No, God, no. If they see what we paid for a kebab in London, there'll be no stopping them. Okay. I feel it's out there now. You've spoiled it for all those people going next year. I do. Anyway. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or you can email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. What do you think? What's your choice? Boys, I would like to discuss, I think it's Sir Lewis Hamilton now. Yes. Is it? Oh, yes.

Favourite movie? His favourite movie? Her Grand Prix. Herbie Goes Bananas. I love knowing a sports person's favourite movie. It never disappoints. Cool Runnings. Good choice.

I don't know. Cool Runnings. Should I? Yes, you do. It's about the Jamaican bobsleighs. Cool Runnings. Good choice. I don't know. Cool Runnings. Should I? Yes, you do. It's about the Jamaican bobsleigh team. Oh, yes. Of course. I think, in fact, it might be on Michael Owen's top ten. Is it really? Well, I say top ten. He's only seen ten movies.

He confirmed that when I met him. And what about Sir Alex Ferguson's? Oh, I think we know. Seabiscuit. Seabiscuit. He said, I'm not one of these people who's just like,? Oh, I think we know Seabiscuit. Seabiscuit. He said, I'm not one of these people who's just like, he said, I'm not like Arsene Wenger who's just watching, like, Bundesliga football on a Tuesday night. He said, I've got a bit more of a broad view of the world.

My favourite film is Seabiscuit. It's about horse racing. Not fallen too far from the tree. We want Arsene Wenger watching the Imog Bergman film. Now, I adore Lewis Hamilton, and I'll tell you why. Is he a short king? Frank's learnt a new phrase. Will you explain, Frank?

You got so excited in the break. Well, the ubiquitous fay was telling me there's a thing called a short king where that's a bloke who's good with being short. And then Molly, her assistant, said you could have a short king summer. Can you? Where you can think, you know what, I'm going to hang around with a short king. Well, it's a hybrid.

It's a mash-up of hot girl summer. And we had to explore it I've never heard of a short king before though and it's someone who's very like okay with it all

self assured like the one in Shrek no actually no he's he actually is a short king but he's

quite insecure you've taken it too literally it's not a clopper castle or something no i'd never heard it before so i'm still working my mind around it okay well think of a perfect short king for you presently would do would tom cruise be a short king 100 okay and would you say

yeah we're getting a nod from fay it's hard because he's never depicted as short in films they're always filming... Well, I don't like what you're suggesting. ...at an angle. Like Alan Ladd. Alan Ladd was a Hollywood-leading man, and you either... You had to stand on the...

He had to stand on the box, which he was less keen on. Yeah. Or they would dig a trench for walking shots that you had to walk in. Yeah. Apparently the average height of a sort of Hollywood leading man is below average or shorter than you'd think.

How tall are you, Pia? Six-four? Yeah, as far as you are, I'd stay out of it. Yeah. It's all right for some. So, Sir Lewis... I used to be five'10 and a half. I'm about 5'9 now.

What happened? I've stooped. You've stooped to this. I have. I've stooped. I think I've physically stooped. You've gone a bit... I have the look of an old retainer about me.

You know, the faithful old butler. That's my look now. Have you got a bit of old people crossing sign people crossing sign yeah exactly i've got that thing yeah where i need a stick really i had a stick once i did my backing and i had a walking stick i must say i quite liked it this is what's great for the goths it's very anti-aging yeah because what happens is that the transition is very easy you You just think, I've always had this stick. I've always had this cane. Alice Cooper had a cane for years.

You've always worn Victorian clothes. You haven't been out in the sun, so there's a lot of ageing from the sun. Yeah, but you do know that I was in suspended animation in a block of ice under a London shop, and I am actually from 1861. Can I say we've got a Short King nomination? First up, Stephen Graham.

I'm down for that. Good one, good one. I didn't know what a Short King was 20 minutes ago, and now it's a texting. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sir Lewis Hamilton, he and I have something in common. OK? OK.

And he has... He once listed the three things he hates the most, and on his list was onions. Oh, OK. Then he is a kindred spirit. I saw him pranked once, and the prank was someone left an onion on his dashboard. And he goes...

He's screaming, he's terrified of it. Really? Yeah. He went, get away, get away from me! If I was a policeman called in to that crime, you're going to want to talk to Verstappen, aren't you? Isn't that your first, eh? That's your first interview, isn't it?

Excuse me, could I just smell your hands? Exactly. Trying to see if he's... No, no, no, come here. See if he's been crying recently. So on his list, he has a couple of things. One was onions. He says he also hates

wasting time wasting time yeah that's one of his pet hates and traffic wasting time and traffic are very race driver things to be against I like the idea of

avoiding traffic by becoming a formula there's just a lot more room on the roads. Well, he did say recently, there was published a list of things he hates the most as well, but apparently also on this is

driving on normal roads. Yes. And he said there's just so much going on, it's too stressful. And then rather brilliantly he added, there's just so much going on, it's too stressful. And then rather brilliantly he added, I try not to do things that don't add to my life. Oh, okay.

Your witness. I don't know what he means by that, but I'm presuming I read a thing with him, which I think is probably from this same interview, where he was driving in France with the interviewer, and he said, I made a note of this, he said, look, we're on these roads, anything can happen. Well, he's got a point. I suppose there's less things that can happen on a Formula One track. That's true.

But when they happen. That's true. If you're a Formula One driver and you're used to driving with only the very elite of a highly trained cadre of drivers, and then someone goes, would you like to have a go with just anyone? Also, there's things like, when does he ever have to do a three-point turn? Yeah.

Maybe when he's doing an exhibition for one of his sponsors, because he's got a brand, and we're not doing a read, but he's sponsored by Monster Energy and what I like What is that? It's a drink. Oh okay. And what I like is he's sometimes forced to give quite serious press interviews and refer to this drink. Monster.

Do you remember Nigel Kennedy used to say monster a lot. Yeah it was an absolute monster symphony. I love that. Brilliant. Gone. But occasionally he'll have to say it and he'll have to sort of say things in interviews

and he'll refer to it quite seriously. Really? And it's very hard to sound dignified because he'll say things like, yeah, you know, I'm working with such a cool brand with Monster Energy. I mean, to be fair to him, he's probably a bit short of money,

so he needs to do that. But he says he tries to grow by it and he said, yeah, I mean, I'm working with, you know, I get to work with some monster athletes and he uses it. Does he? Monster? Does he say that? I think you've got to say it as Nigel Kennedy if you're going to use it.

He's fully absorbed the brand. But why though? How much money do these people need? How much land does a man need? It's also an energy drink that's mostly associated with people playing World of Warcraft for 36 hours straight. Is it? Yeah.

Do they sit in those terrible high-backed football manager chairs? That's nothing more depressing. When I see a YouTube video, when someone's so committed to a sedentary lifestyle and they've bought one of the football manager chairs those things that look like they're from an airplane that manages sitting gaming chairs you need a gaming chair i don't know the gaming that's what that is a gaming they've all got them the youtubers they have a gaming chair they spend so much time sitting there yeah and what is it? It supports all your...

It's got a sort of headrest thing. Like you say, it looks like a sort of fighter pilot's chair. It looks like a nylon throne. I like the idea of a nylon throne. That, to me, sums up sort of what's happened to the modern world. People on a nylon throne. A short king. It is like a gossamer prince.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I just wondered while we were talking, why is it called a dashboard? Well, Steve Burgess has said, I was waiting for Frank to girlfriend in a coma, onion on a dashboard. Bit disappointed, to be honest. Oh, OK.

I'll do it now for you. Thank you. Onion on a dashboard, I know, I know, it's serious. Why is it called a dashboard? Good question. Pierre, look to you as a man to know this. We had many dark nights in our tour bus. Oh, dear.

On the motorway, talking about everything that ever happened in the history of the world. And PAUC has an amazing fact. You don't know what a dashboard and why? No, I'm going to have to just make the obvious guess. Something to dashing about. Not sure.

It's not... It'll be a Mor about. Not sure. That's really sad. It'll be a Morse code related thing. That's the only... Well, it is long and thin and black, like a dash on Morse code. That's true. And maybe the wheels represent the two... Two dots.

Yeah. It's largely guesswork right now. I hope it's not that because that's rubbish if it's that and you've guessed that you need to buy a lottery ticket

I think yeah no he doesn't actually well no but I will I will anyway he's the last person who needs to buy on my behalf

so Lewis Sir Lewis Lewis as we were talking about he doesn't like traffic he doesn't like traffic. He doesn't like driving on normal roads. This is my partner, Kath, can drive. She's passed the test.

She doesn't drive. And her argument is that she can drive perfectly well, but she can't do roundabouts. And it is very restricting for general driving. But I presume she could be a Formula One driver. Although, is a racetrack, could that be seen as part of the roundabout family? One enormous, very fast roundabout. Exactly.

Well, there's a lot of chicanes. I mean, is the M25 a roundabout? The world's largest, perhaps. Mm, interesting. Lovely question to pose. It's a very Pebble Mill at one thing. Can I just tell you what I thought was one of the most... You know, there are some things...

I've spoken before about when I was filming with Chas and Dave and they were late and the researcher found and said, I'm sorry, they made me stop at a pie and mash shop. And I thought that is fine because I love news which tells me that all is as I see the world. That's how it is. And there was a drive-in story about Roy. Do you remember Roy Chobby Brown, the adult comedian?

I do, yeah. It's a nice one, but I don't get adults. Yeah, and he was stopped on the A19 in Yorkshire by the police because he was driving whilst reading the Sun newspaper. All is well with the world. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

Well, speaking of words and their origins, Steve Burgess has saved me from my own ignorance by writing in Read the Origin of Dashboard. Good. He says, or claims, horse carriages had fixtures on the front to act as a barrier. These were boards of wood or leather to protect the occupants from dirt or mud.

And when a horse kicks up debris, it is also referred to as being dashed up. Not sure if this is correct, he hedges. Okay. But I like it. That sounds like a... A mod god. A posh person saying you're quite a bullion.

You're dashed up, aren't you? Or like the very euphemistic way of describing the horrors of the First World War. He was awfully dashed up. That's a lot. I'm going to imagine what that means but it's not good another one of Lewis Hamilton's fears was spiders

original well it surprised a lot of people he said he told someone and he said again I quote he said I tell people I'm flying the spiders and people say, dude, you drive around 200 miles per hour. Does he live with Beavis and Butthead? And surely they'd be saying...

And they moved to Switzerland now to avoid tax. Beavis and Butthead. If they were saying dude anything, it would have to be where's my car exactly i mean dude i don't see why driving 200 miles it never means you can't be frightened of um spot i mean i it's a more pedestrian fear i have uh in my um office i have a sink oh alan sugar and i put my hand in the sink and there was like candy floss in there and i thought that's weird and it was all over the tap and i then the biggest spider i've ever seen appeared at the back and I realised this was it it had emanated from the spider some sort of terrible

candy floss type webbing thick though thick and sticky and this spider was the biggest I've seen in the United Kingdom outside of some sort of exhibition how large a sort of

it's impossible to honestly describe a big spider. It's true. Just take it from me, I was genuinely frightened. Yeah. I took its life. I was frightened. She's so exaggerating. I was so frightened.

You were making it a bit grander than it was. I took its life. You've reminded me, I was... I killed him. You've reminded me, I shot a man in... I shot a man. At Pierre Woodside. In Bloemfontein in the 80s.

He came out of my sink covered in candy floss and I... He was asking for it. You've reminded me. Some sort of roustabout. And then also ghastly business. No, what did I remind you of? I dashed him up. When I was at the Fringe, performing at the Monkey Barrel,

there's a sort of big Monkey Barrel sign behind you on the stage. And I was doing my show and a guy in the front row gasped and pointed above my head, which is never a good sign from a front row in a crowd. And I sort of ignored him, but then I saw consternation spread among the other people not in his group. So I thought, okay. And I said, what is it? And he said, spider. Sort of a single word. And I thought, okay, you know, this is the UK. How big can they, you know, this is a silly distraction.

I turned around and fair fair play, it was... A biggie. It looked like it had an address. Oh, man. But your candy floss could have been... Because are you familiar with the custom, the male spider, the gifts that they present to the female? They wrap insects up in webbing.

Oh, OK. And they do... Have you ever seen this? And they do a sort of dance holding the gift which they present, but sometimes it's a fake. They dupe them. They pretend it's an insect in the webbing,

but it's actually a carcass. Oh. The mitamine stuff it was all on my hands I was just in a panic I was in an absolute tizzy

you would have meant such a gift Frank I know what an enormous prize my great sister hell of a dance Frank doing the dance in the past

yeah with webbing on much loved comedian Frank Skinner ladies and gentlemen gift wrapped I my best ever Much loved comedian Frank Skinner ladies and gentlemen Gif wrapped I my best ever

spider spectacle was I saw a a wasp get caught in a spider's web and the spider went over

to collect his meals and the the sting went into the spider and I just watched the pulping posterior pumping at

this poison and the spider's legs sort of extending and contracting in horror as the poison pumped in. Breakfast radio ladies and gentlemen. If it was Attenborough I'd get a BAFTA for that all I'll get now is complaints. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. So, Lewis Hamilton, friend of spiders. So, here's one of his, he said, because I'm friend of spiders, I always stay in high hotel rooms.

Monster hotel rooms. Monster. Yeah. They, um... Do you think anyone's told Lewis the bad news when three spiders end up climbing?

Yeah, I imagine his friend said, spiders, they climb. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they climb. Look out, here comes the Spiderman.

Strictly stars. Yeah, it's not going to work that, Lewis. No, if I was Lewis Hamilton and I had access to the sort of funds he does,

I would book a very high hotel room and then directly beneath my hotel room, I'd make them fill a room with flies. Yeah. Yeah.

That would be a better. Or get a bird, get a pet bird yes yeah pet I'm presuming I mean I'm I'm getting my zoology

here from the old woman who swallowed a fly that's where I get my nature information from you can't have a pet bird it's a bit

sort of Dickensian character people always had pet birds when I was a do they yeah in cages, you know.

Oh, that's nice. You're making it sound much... I'll make it sound more reasonable. Yeah, in cages. I think Lewis Hamilton would be a much more sort of traditional British sporting eccentric if he had some sort of macaw. They just carried with them everywhere.

What I would like is when you've got a shot inside the cockpit or whatever and the macaw is like horizontal because of the G-force. You can just see the knuckles on the shoulder. Bald within a week from stress, that bird. Yeah, just a slight trail of feathers going down the track. I think every racing every formula one driver should have to drive with a bird so you can choose the bird well

i am you can choose frank but you've got to have a bird in. And then you'd have a slight crow like a goth. The goth formula one would go for the crow, obviously. There are no goth formula ones. They're not interesting enough to be goths. A goth petrolhead would be a funny...

They started that terrible shooey trend, didn't they? What's that? Do you know what a shoeie is? No. It's quite an Aussie thing. Oh, now you're doing a shoeie. It's drinking a beverage.

Out of a shoe? Out of the shoe. So the boy will be in a bar and suddenly everyone will start shouting shoeie. And you'll remove the shoe and hold it aloft and drink it. But the Formula Ones... But this comes from the 18th century tradition where stage door johnnies would drink champagne from an actress's slipper as a homage.

Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, but you wouldn't do that these days. You wouldn't want to drink it out of someone's new look. No, you wouldn't want to drink it. I think if you did that now, that would probably be career ending. I wouldn't like to see it. That would really put me off someone doing a showy.

Can you imagine Dame Judi Dench saying that Frank Skinner, I caught Frank Skinner drinking, what would it be? Apple ties from one of me size fives. I mean, Kate Winslet you'd be pretty tanked up. I couldn't drink that much.

Kate? Nine and a half UK. Really? Yeah. That's a pint isn't it? As I always used to say can't watch TV in bed. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli You can text the show on 81215 follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via frankasabsoluteradio.co.uk Ultra Magnus one of our regulars

Did we meet Ultra Magnus in person? I think we did. Ultra Magnus came to see us. Lovely. He was charming. With Mrs. Magnus. I love Mrs. Magnus. Omar Magnus.

I don't think we should refer to her in that way. Okay. If the M25 is a roundabout, then everyone who lives within its boundaries has been sleeping on the central reservation. Nothing wrong with that. I did that through most of the 80s. Oh, it's a shame.

We always called them islands in Birmingham, not roundabouts. Did you do it to make your sleeping arrangements seem more glamorous? Yes, exactly. My island retreat. My island paradise. Islands in the stream. I think I might have released some streams on the island.

But we will get to that, sir. Let's return to Simon of Sudbury. I mean, he does, he is... I thought it was Ultra Modernist. No, that was Ultra Modernist. I'm just going to one of our other regulars. I appreciate, you know, he's a heavy... There's only six people listening to this show.

We all just talk to each other. I mean, we could meet in some sort of booth. I would say, I would say, I beg to differ, I would call them quality content providers. That really reminded me of that Phil Collins. I, I feel so lonely when you're not. You know that one? I. Yes, I enjoy that one. It's on the Genesis album. Is it?

I think it is. I may be wrong. It's one of That's All and Mama and all those ones. I know a man who will know. Do you, Frank? I do, but I don't know Genesis very well. I never got into that. David Baddiel loves Genesis. Is that right? I like Genesis,

the book of the Bible. The original. Yeah, exactly. 597, how about a pet gecko for Lewis? He could keep it zipped up in his racing jacket and stick it in his hotel room

wall at night. Stick it to him, I'm sorry. They eat spiders, do they? Geckos. It's a lovely idea. Yeah. I guess they eat insects, brackets, general. What would you call it?

What would the name be? Oh, the actual name for the gecko? I'd call it Michael, after reminiscent of Michael Greco, who was in EastEnders. Yeah, it'd be more original than Gordon, I'm sure. I bet there were a lot of Gordons, geckos called Gordon

around the time Wall Street came out, Frank. A rush. Yes. A rush on them. Well, speaking of songs and song lyrics and origins and so on,

we've got some previous. Do we have a jingle, Frank, for previous? I don't think we do, do we? Do you want to just do one? You're quite good at things. Well, speaking of jingles, by the way, I don't know if you remember when we talked about there was a week of tremendous

discovery for me when i found out that a pine martin wasn't a bird yes and um we we looked up pine martins and apparently they're quite um savage the bouncers. Creatures. Of the animal ones. Was it something of destruction? What was it? No, it says they operate a landscape of fear. And I said that sounded like a Bond theme and sang it. And, you know, occasionally our clever readers take some part of the show and turn it into something more grand. Get your ears around this.

Frank Skinner, it's James Bond in Landscape of Fear. What is Pine, Martin? It isn't a bird. It isn't a plane. But we need to landscape a fear. Landscape a fear Landscape They're coming here Landscape

For their landscape a fear Landscape They're coming here It's Sir Pye Martin frame. Yes, I don't know. It's genuinely very good. Can I say? Stuart White. Stuart White.

I love Stuart White. Thank you, Stuart White. It's absolutely brilliant. He did a great job. If I do say Stuart myself. Good job, Stuart White. It's absolutely brilliant. If I do say Stuart myself. Good job, Whitey. Different class. Frank, you sound great. Really good.

Yeah, I'm still waiting for that Bond theme call. That's probably too late now. I'll have to settle for my four number one records. Frank, we'd, oh yeah, Pierre was just taking us down

into Providence Corner. Yes, speaking of song lyrics. Yes. Paul Simon, says Bob, Paul Simon held a party at his New York apartment

and one of the guests was clearly at the wrong party. As he left, he said to Paul Simon, great party, Al, and give my love to Paul Simon, Great party, Al. Give my love to Betty. That became Call Me Al. So that's the provenance of that. Claims Bob.

I wonder who he thought he was, though. I mean, you'd think you'd recognise Paul Simon. Yeah, especially in the white cap. Perhaps he must have took him for one of the roubettes. Is he a bit of a short king, Paul Simon? Is he? I don't know, because Art's hair was so high. I can't just imagine the fact that he's called Art.

Well, I think it's Arthur, isn't it? Exactly. But who called Arthur? It's Art, isn't it? Well, Arthur Garfunkel it's a bit of a it's it's a

it's a roller coaster of a there's all sorts of choices there's all sorts of things you can do with that name Artie I think that

yeah Artie Garfunkel it could be Art I like it I love but he had he he was one of those who should have dwelt

in High Barnet Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio but he was one of those who should have dwelt in High Barnet. Matt Finch. We're still in Previously Corner. Okay. Matt Finch has been in touch. Yeah. Robert Plant has frequented the same pub near his home for many years.

One entrance to the pub is called the Outdoor, for takeaway sales. Yeah. And you can use this door to enter the pub. That was what we called off-licences in the West Middle. Really? So we'd go nip into the Outdoor. Oh, is that right? Oh, well, you'll be all over this language then.

This led to the Led Zeppelin album being called In Through the Outdoor. Prince later used the line in Raspberry Beret. Okay. Raspberry Beret. Yeah. You can play either. By the way, he's got a joke.

I think you might know the answer to this. Okay. He's got a sort of dialect joke. Do you want to do the honours? I can try. By the way, what's the difference between a buffalo

and a bison? Thank? Your core wash your hands in a buffalo. That's it. I mean, it's... Are your core, can you? Literally,

word for word, letter, consonant and vowel. Yes. Exactly how it's been I miss those jokes that don't work anywhere else.

Landscape specific gags. Yeah. But you know, it's good. It's a landscape specific gag. But we have a special show next week, by the way, to celebrate the anniversary of the death of Peter Mark Roger, who died on next Sunday.

The man who invented Roger's thesaurus. Oh! So I look forward to any Roger facts you've got, any of your favourite listings. You'll be commemorating, remembering, marking. Yeah, exactly. Do you know what it was? Do you know what happened with Roger? remembering, marking. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Was he?

Do you know what it was? Do you know what happened with Roche? Probably enough, no. He suffered with depression. And one way he coped with it was making lists. He used to make massive lists. And in the end, he thought, you know, I should use these. I could sell these mad lists.

Yeah, and then he went with Roche. What I like is exactly, I'm afraid if he was marketing it now as a sort of YouTuber, they would just be called mad lists. It would not be called Roger's Thesaurus. But I like the idea that all his birthday card and Christmas card problems were sorted because that was his option, wasn't it? Oh, I bet that was his thing.

I would have made that my thing. Have a happy, joyful... Right, yes. That's what you would have done. Everybody would have done that. That have a happy joyful right that's what you would have done everybody would have done that would have driven him crazy if i was roger i would constantly use the most niche word of all categories in order to increase sales yeah so what does that mean i'd say well but buy one and find out yeah that's what i'll tell you well i mean i feel i've had that with short king this morning i've discovered something i never even had any idea such a phrase existed.

It's pretty new. I said Offair, I think, didn't I? Maradona. I mean, he's possibly the ultimate Short King. He'd be more of a Short Presidente. Generally, Simone. That's how I'd see it. So. We're still in...

Previously land. Previously. We've had some other ones. Pierre, do you want to do the honours? We've had Go on The history in pictures Please We've had a message from

Who sent us the history in pictures? Oh yes Matt Penn One up from the Tipton Slashers monkey He suggests Corporal Jackie was a baboon In the South African army In the first world war I mean I'm in at Corpor suggests. Corporal Jackie was a baboon in the South African army in the First World War. I mean, I'm in at Corporal Jackie.

Corporal Jackie, the baboon. Corporal Jackie, I'm all over this. He was made their mascot when his owner was drafted into the war. Jackie received various injuries, such as being shot on the shoulder and having his right leg blown off. Oh, man.

They had no choice. That's what it says on the animals in the war monument. Yes. My great-grandfather was in the Somme, in the South African infantry,

and I don't recall any stories being passed down about how hard it was to administer first aid to Corporal Jackie. No, I bet. There's a lovely... Corporal Jackie

probably worked in the hospital, the field hospital, and said things like, come on, I've only got two pairs of hands. We're talking about Corporal Jackie this morning on Absolute Radio, the baboon in the South African army

during World War I. Andre told me in that break that um something i didn't know that baboons can operate as shepherds yes if trained not freelance no i don't mean just spontaneously if trained i think if you raise them from i guess a pup i'm not sure, I think you can sort of get a bit of reliable work out of them. From a babby. Can you, though? Because guess what? Not happening on my

watch. Not that I have a watch. But I'm not letting baboons near my flock. I wonder if they respond to whistles like sheepdogs. Maybe. It would be a hell of a thing to show up with at Crufts.

Carnage. Yeah. It wouldn't be quite. It wouldn't work with the Crufts look, because, you know, they favour a pantsuit. Yeah. The Crufts ladies these days. A wide-leg trouser.

Jackie would be in full uniform. Well, I can tell you exactly what Jackie would be in because I've done a deep dive. Oh, yeah. Jackie was given an official style uniform with a cap, a ration set and his own pay book. Jackie would salute to superior officers and light soldier cigarettes.

He would even stand at ease in the style of a trained soldier. Isn't that amazing? Yeah. And apparently it says due to his heightened senses, Jackie was very useful to sentries on duty at night because he'd censored an oncoming attack. You wouldn't want to be a German soldier coming face to face with Jackie, would you?

My word. Not face to face. You'd be a bit of a short king. A kleiner Kaiser. Exactly. Any German listeners, do you have a Kleiner Kaiser concept? Who is your Kleiner Kaiser?

Who is your Kleiner Kaiser? Oh, I think it might be. I'm not sure it's suitable content. Has anyone ever called Hitler a short king? Oh, he's done it. They did call him a little corporal. Oh, there you go. I think they're called

Jackie. They're equivalent rank in the same war. Exactly. I love the fact how these two lives diverted, these two corporals.

There is a picture which I'm afraid is very cruel, we should say, of... Of Jackie. Jackie taking tea, which is not,

Absolute Radio does not condone that. I don't know what it is, but if you dress up any kind of simian, any ape or monkey, that always ends, people won't resist getting the old teacups out. That's true. Because it used to be a thing at the zoo,

they used to have the chimpanzees teacups. Is that where it comes from? Yeah, it used to be a standard thing. Why did it start to have the chimpanzees' teapot. Is that where it comes from? Yeah, it used to be a standard thing. Why did it start, I wonder? Why did the chimpanzees... I mean, I don't know. Shiving each other with porcelain fragments, I think. We didn't know then.

Tea was a nice thing. Yeah, exactly. We thought they liked it, but... I don't think they do like it. I don't think I've ever worn a... You know, sometimes in the winter, you wear a long-sleeved black top and put a T-shirt over it. I've never done that without thinking of a chimpanzee.

You know, the black arms coming underneath. I'm sorry, I don't know where I brought that up. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. We're doing... Well, we're sort of lingering a bit in Previously, and we're sometimes... We've got one foot in Previously, one foot in the outside world,

the current outside world. We have one from Zoe J. Queen's Radio Gaga comes from Roger Taylor's son as a small child saying that a song on the radio was radio... I think I can say this word. That's made everyone a bit nervous. Well, I suddenly worried. I think it's OK.

It's a child's word for deposits. OK. Sounds a bit... Rhymes with Gaga and begins with C, sort of. Okay. Are we allowed to say that? I'm not sure. The producer's nodding. She says yes.

Surely. It's on her head, be it. Well, let's hope not. But, yeah, radio... Okay. So did Lady Gaga take her name from Radio Gaga? Shirley. Shirley as well.

She had her name. Shirley Gaga. Shirley Gaga. Lady Shirley would be infinitely preferable. Don't you think? That sounds like

an underbirds character. Frank, I've been listening to the Gerry Anderson podcast. You've got to get involved and other things I never thought I'd say. Hmm.

Oh, Gerry Anderson's son is involved. No, I know. I've been invited to do it but I don't... Well, you must. I don't feel I'd say. Hmm. Oh, they're great. Gerry Anderson's son is involved. No, I know. I've been invited to do it, but I don't... Well, you must. I don't feel I know enough. OK.

And there are so many people on podcasts and things that don't have the qualifications to speak on those topics. I know. I don't want to be that person. I know. I understand. Especially now. Why now? Well, because the podcasts have all got quite it's it's all about her love island that's okay you know it's been

perfect um female silver foxes we also discussed do you remember that oh yes we were debating whether the fact there's so many male silver foxes and not many obvious female ones, that there's some sort of age and women wrongness going on. An imbalance, a bias. Yeah. So silver vixens, Steve Hewitt has suggested Emmylou Harris. Yes, no, she is. I mean, this is one of the things. Texans. Steve Hewitt has suggested Emmylou Harris. Yes.

No, she is. She's probably... I mean, this is one of the things is that I think women are more accustomed to dyeing their hair traditionally, so they're happy to not go. But yes, Emmylou Harris has gone proper silver and looks great. And Helen... Oh, God. Mirren.

Mirren. Well, we had a debate about... No, there's been a whole thing about that oh no what have I stepped into here no Radio Gaga

yes Emily thinks that there's something what colour did you call it well she's I mean let's be honest it's not

it's a it's kind of a there are various names for it but it's a Beverly Hills blonde which is that yeah it's not that doesn't sound good that is good but it's a Beverly Hills blonde, which is that. Yeah. That doesn't sound good.

That is good, but it's that sort of golden blonde. So it's not a natural colour? No. It's sort of a gronde, I'm going. What about him? A grey blonde. Gronde. I like gronde. Okay, gronde.

I think she's pulling an Andy Warhol. Gronde, yeah. Well, he had a wig. A wig and dyed his hair. Tried dyeing his hair at some point. It was quite clever. It meant no one ever knew his age and he was treated with a lot more sort of respect.

Well, didn't he just go white very early? That's the way to dutch, the way to do it. Naughty, naughty, naughty. That's, um... Mr. C. Right, Andy Warhol impression. What if he'd Smoked like that All the time

Would he have been A cult hero If that was how he smote I think it would have been Considered performance art Surely isn't it When was the last Mr. Punch show

You went to That question to Frank Skinner Well I went to The Punch and Judy Who answers it normally Like doesn't even pause To go why are you Asking me that weird question No I went to the Punch and Judy... She answers it normally. Like, doesn't even pause to go, why are you asking me that weird question? No, I went to the Punch and Judy festival

at the church in Covent Garden. Sure. And I heard two Punch and Judy men talking and one said, do you still do the hanging? Apparently it's been dropped by some people who've tried to be a bit more PC. There's always a schism, isn't there? Yeah, exactly.

So there's quite a lot of stuff. The old PC brigade ruining it for everyone else. There is a PC in it, but he gets killed as well, I think. And a banana. Oh, yeah. Anna Banana oh yeah she very much enjoys They Had No Choice she says it always makes her spit out her tea

and she feels it could be the KFC strapline which is rather cool for any non-vegetarian establishment I think the KFC strapline, which is rather cool for any non-vegetarian establishment. I think the KFC strapline should be battery hens. Did you ever see the KFC the Colonel Biopic, by the way?

No. Oh, we need to organise a screening of that. Oh, yes. Oh, it was fabulous. Did it have one of those incredibly contrived scenes where he sort of trips and knocks a lot of herbs and spices into a pot? No, there was literally a scene with him and it's a very, very muscle,

sort of impossibly good-looking man saying, you'll never know my secret recipe. It's honestly like that. I think we had someone texting the show once. They were in something like Blackpool in 1969 and they saw him in a car and he waved to them or something. I said there was a definite meeting Colonel Sanders story someone sent in.

Yeah, I think there was. Well, it's not quite to that level, but I think an interesting question here for you, Frank, from Damo in Sheffield, who's not Australian, I assume, but I think, interesting question here for you, Frank, from Damo in Sheffield, who's not Australian, I assume, but I've decided that they are. What a scouse. Their name is Damo.

The Damon throne, I would say, is retro our Damon from Brookside. Does he sit in the Damon throne? For me, it'd be the omen. He's still got that. Our Damon, Damian. How much threat would Damian lose if you punched him in the arm that. A Damien, Damien. Yes. How much threat would Damien lose if you punched him in the arm and said,

all right, Damo? Yeah. Sort of chummy Australian hanging out with the Antichrist. Damien, he favoured a Paul Simon cap, didn't he? Spooky schoolboy. Do you think anyone calls Helen Mirren Damo? Anyway, what's Damo got? Damo says,

I'm listening on Absolute 80 so apologies if someone has already messaged and I like that sort of cautious humility. They haven't, needless to say. But is Frank's knowledge

about Alan Ladd due to his research when he wrote his sitcom? Oh yes, because Alan Ladd starred Which sitcom would that be? Alan Ladd starred in Shame,

the Western, which I called the thing Shame. Don't dismiss it by calling it the thing. Yeah, I wrote a sitcom. Did you? It was bad. Did you do a second series at all? I did write a second series.

It was filmed, edited, dubbed, and is still in a vault at ITV. Like at the end of Indiana Jones. If you imagine the times on ITV, we've got absolutely nothing to put on here. What about, no, no, there must be something else. I said, no, NCIS or something. So they still paid for it.

Oh, yeah, they paid for it. As Matthew Kelly said to me, who was in one of the episodes, we all got paid. Yeah. I mean, that's what matters really, Frank, isn't it? As Johnny Briggs once said to my mother, you may remember, you say your lines, you get paid, you go home, love. Yeah.

OK. Fair enough. What was the name of it? Baldwin's. What was the name of the factory? They sold, they made underwear. Yes. I can't remember.

One of our readers will know. You know what? One of our readers will definitely be getting in touch with that information. One of our readers knows everything, let's face it. So we have a guest next week. Shut up. If I'm... Are we allowed to say?

Well, the producer, because she's a stand-in, is not taking the responsibility. So that's a lady. So I won't tell you, but we've got a guest next week. And we are done. Thanks. I'd love to end on that.

For that luster sign-off. Yeah, I don't know where my luster has gone. But all that glisters is not gold. Lovely, correct. Oft, misquoted. Not frank. No, not frank. has gone but all that glisters is not gold lovely correct oft misquoted not frank no not frank

so look if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week

now get out this is Frank Skinner this is Absolute Radio