The Frank Skinner Show - Skepta

Episode Date: January 9, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast The team are back for their first show of 2016. They discuss Starbucks at Christmas, a book Frank found in the Absolute radio loos, Tom Daley's frying pan and the sales...enjoy!

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Don't text the show this morning. I'll tell you for why. We're not here. No. I know what you're saying, but we aren't. You can follow the show on Twitter, however, at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website, because that's free, but don't text in, otherwise I'll have to come round and personally reimburse you.

That'll be a mess. Morning, Jim. Morning. Happy New Year. Happy New Year to you. Yeah. Merry New Year, as I like to say. Oh, that's good.

Just to mess with their minds. You don't do that. I do. Merry New Year. I never thought of that. MNY. I do. And it sounds a bit the sort of thing you'd say to drunkards, which I like.

Well, yeah, one of the arguments against Merry Christmas is I think it suggests that alcohol is an intrinsic part of yuletide. Oh. Well, they're all doing the dry January. You know what I'm doing in January? Drinking a lot. I'm doing one hell of a dry January. I'm doing a dry century.

I've actually had a dry century so far. I mean, wow. That is good. Yeah. I'll do dry Feb, but I'm not doing dry Jan. It's so basic. Too many people are doing it. It's like making New Year's resolutions for January the 1st.

Pick another date. Yeah. Agreed. Don't run with the herd. That's my New Year's resolution. So Farmer said next time he's going to the police. Oh, you've got to have a rule. I'm doing droll January, not dry January.

Droll? That's brilliant. It'll be really droll. Why aren't there internet trolls who go onto go onto Twitter and say quite a funny thing? You'd be one. That'd be much nicer. You'd both be internet drolls. I suppose there are internet drolls, they just haven't named themselves that.

Anyway, speaking of... Nice Christmas? Yes, but let's not go into details. Oh, I will go into details. I'll tell you, speaking of drollery, I've got to tell you, I did a joke which gave me tremendous pleasure, and I want to share it with you, because only a handful of people heard it.

Go on, then. I think all of your jokes have given you tremendous pleasure. They've given me tremendous pleasure, but I don't like them to fall on stony ground. Who was the dramatic person either? Who heard this joke? It was me and Katie Brand. Oh, I like her.

Yes, and I think... She's a girl's girl. I don't know, Daisy was there. I think Daisy's nodding. She heard it as well. But this is what happened. We were sitting in a library at a hotel, and we were about to start filming,

but the camera inevitably wasn't on for the golden moment. So I think it was a sort of art installation. You know in libraries when you get ladders that lean up against the library shelf so that you can climb up for the higher books? Yeah. Well, they had one of those, but it wasn't a practical ladder.

It was glass. It was made of glass. And the the steps on the ladder were illuminated. So it gave a lovely feeling of stepping up to knowledge, I suppose, or learning. It looked quite ethereal. And two of the steps, the light had gone on them all because it was going to be in the background for filming they wanted to get it mended so a maintenance man came in not that friendly, I'll be straight with you and he came in and he said, what's the problem?

and I said, two wrongs don't make a light now obviously had he been oriental the whole nature of that joke would have changed. I wouldn't have done that joke. Wouldn't have done it. Oh, like hell you would. No, I wouldn't. But he was from the Mediterranean, is my guess.

What? I wouldn't say he burst out laughing, but Katie Brand did. Daisy didn't get it. I just thought it was a thing of beauty. I mean, I'll never be able to use it again. I say that, but here I am. No, but I know what you mean. Everything fell into place.

Oh, two wrongs don't make a lie. I mean, come on. Come on, listeners. I mean, aren't you glad you don't have to text in and compete with that? That's my advice. Imagine actually being here. Oh. I've still got a tingle, just remembering it. It's like when people look back on the war. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So I thought, well, it's unsurpassable, that joke. That's what I thought. That'll be the joke of 2015. Too wrong, so don't make a light. Blow me down. If my own three-and-a-half-year-old didn't come up with something, I thought he topped it. Oh, yeah.

What did he say? Me and him were sitting, we were talking about Africa. He was asking me where the hot countries were, so I was rattling a few off. I know it's a continent continent but it's a bit early for Manushai so he started talking about Africa and he said

oh yeah I know about Africa I said oh do you? I asked him some questions I said okay what do they eat in Africa? he said uh africots now that is a good gag. The africot don't fall far from the tree?

No, I mean... I mean, come on, Frank, that's so you. There's professional comedians working who'd kill for that joke. Why are you staring at me when you're staring at me? I'm looking at you for reassurance. You're looking at me as if to go, you could do with that one. It's worthy of a highly paid programme associate. It is, exactly.

I was very pleased with him. He also said, can I tell you something else, which is more, and yes, I am lapsing into the things they say, but hey, it's Christmas. I know it isn't. Shut up. He was talking to me about, I have a thing that I say to him,

who's my favourite boy? And then he says his name. And then he says to me, who's your favourite man? And I says, you are. Because, you know, scientifically speaking. Yes, yeah. And he said, am I a man? And I said, well, you know, I think you're a little man.

And he said, yes, I am a man. And then he said, yes, I am a man. And then he said, yes, I am a man. I've got some car keys and a watch. Brilliant. And I thought, you know, that's it, isn't it? That's masculinity summed up right there. I know women have car keys and a watch. Yeah.

But I think we'd all agree they use them haphazardly. Oh, God. No, I'm being light-hearted. But I thought that was... There's a certain insight in that, wouldn't you say? I love the level of detail. Me too. I used to say to my son when he was going to bed,

night-night, young man. And I stopped it because he started replying, night-night, old man. So I thought... So now I've started saying, night-night, little guy, and he says, night-night old man. So I thought, so now I've started saying night-night little guy and he says night-night big guy, which is vastly preferable. Night-night young man, as though something Brian Clough would have said to one of the players.

That's pretty much how I'm raising him. It's very Jez. You know in a hotel, the night before an away game, night-night young man, night boss. That's the parenting I'm bringing to it. I think it's quite Brian Glo glover as well yes it's that whole brian thing can i tell you something which has upset me oh no have i done something no no neither of you well i'm hoping if i found out it was if i found it was you i'd be particularly

surprised emily well be just because of the the context i went into the gentleman's toilet, it's absolute. Oh. Right. I'm waiting for the bit where you're surprised. Yeah. And there was a book on the side in there. Well, I'm shocked. Yeah.

That's already shocking. No, I'm going to say this. If you're of a sensitive disposition, put your fingers in your ears now. The book is called How to Poo at Work. Oh my goodness. That is disgusting. Who writes books like that?

Well, people whose target is that section, which is so sadly called humour. It's always a terrible the humour section. Can you imagine on Amazon, your order history, you liked How to Poo at Work. Yeah. Can you imagine what the other recommendations would history, you liked how to poo at work? Yeah. Can you imagine what the other recommendations would be?

People who bought this also bought, I mean, for goodness sake, irritable bowel syndrome, the truth. But it's wrong on so many levels. First of all... The concept of it is wrong. Yes. It's just a distasteful thing. Don't do that.

Also, the generalisation. When people just a distasteful thing. Don't do that. Just don't. Also, the generalisation. When people write a book referring to work like that, they're thinking office job. Yes. You know? It's Tim Peake. Do you think Tim Peake is like that?

His methods are completely different. That's true. I mean, when you're non-gravity, you have to take precautions. Yeah. But also also how appealing or curious making a book

would it have to be for you to pick it up in a public toilet and read it well surely at that point without sounding too indelicate the horse has already bolted out of the stable door well not necessarily, not necessarily.

Not if you're just settling down. Settling down! Anyway, my point is, surely it's a reservoir of disease and infection, that book. You don't want to be... Whatever it was. Anyway, I had to share it, because it reminded me of something that happened to me at work,

which I'll tell you about. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Now, my management company is called Avalon. It's also your management company. Now, I used to have an office in the actual building.

Oh. And it was like having a proper job in some respects. Oh, yeah. Oh, you had email and everything there. Mm. Did you? This was pre-email. No, I think email existed.

No, you did. I remember emailing you once. Yeah. So, um... Good story. Well, we must have had email. Now I come to think of it, because that's the very basis of this yarn. Oh.

Oh. Um, a man sent a work there, because that's the very basis of this yarn. Oh. A man sent a work there, I think in the finance department. I won't put too fine a point on it. He sent me an email. Now, what it was, it was someone had changed the lyrics of Wonder War to form a disparaging song about Manchester United. Right. Right.

Now, you know, I don't have any deep affection for Manchester United but it was a very low standard comedic level. And I sent back quite a lot, some might say an overlong email. Oh, you didn't. To all staff. To all staff? Oh, you didn't reply to all. What did you say?

Saying this is essentially a comedy company, and I think bringing something of this from very much the lower shelf of what one might not even call comedy is like a virus entering into a computer, and I think there'll be people reading this who'll think, oh, this standard is all right then for comedy, and that could bring the whole company to its knees.

I went on this sort of theme. And then afterwards, some people did say to me they thought I'd been a bit hard. Oh, you think? But I nipped it in the bud, which I think was a good thing. I'm just surprised you had the time at that period in your career. You were an extremely busy man. I always find time. He was never too busy to write the time at that period in your career. You were an extremely busy man. I always find time.

He was never too busy to write the green letters, the green ink letters. To squeeze my foot onto some bad comedy. Certainly. Why did you bother? Why didn't you just think, oh, this isn't very funny, I'll delete it. Well, and then get another one. Good point, actually. Get some other terrible thing about, you know,

nine ways to get a girlfriend or something like that in some light-hearted thing. Well, you certainly shut him up. Yes. Did he ever speak to you after that? Well, let's put it this way. My thoughts were with his family. No, no, he didn't.

He never spoke to me before or since. I certainly wasn't going to speak to him after that. Right, OK, fine. If you think I was harsh, don't text him. Because we're not live this morning. No. Who knows what I might be doing at this very precise moment. So we had a lovely Christmas.

We didn't spend an actual Christmas together, Frank, but we spent Boxing Day together, didn't we? We did, although I was a bit poorly on Boxing Day. I got you a lovely present, didn't spend an actual Christmas together, Frank, but we spent Boxing Day together, didn't we? We did, although I was a bit poorly on Boxing Day. Yeah, but I got you a lovely present, didn't I? Two lovely presents. A Nasser sweatshirt. Oh, lovely.

And do you know what Frank did? With a picture of the former Egyptian president, Nasser. Honey. I'll tell you what Frank is. He's a very skilled gift receiver. Because what he does, he gives you what you want. He puts it on it. I'll tell you what Frank is. He's a very skilled gift receiver. Because what he does, he gives you what you want. He puts it on immediately if you buy him an item. I wanted it on.

And I'll tell you something, I got a bit of confectionery on it. It's always in the frame at Christmas. But I thought, you know what, I like it so much I'll just wear it with the stain and I wore it for another three or four days, clearly stained on the front.

Yeah, that's fine. You know, it's NASA, as I've said before, at Team Peak, there's stuff flying all over the place. Yeah, and also they build them, they build things for that. They're quite robust, their products, aren't they, NASA? Well, yeah, the sweatshirt, I mean, I don't know if it's actually an official NASA, I don't ask. I can't, I couldn't possibly reveal. You didn't get it from NASA? I'd say I spent around £49.99.

Oh, don't. Please, don't. Wait. Don't put me on the spot. I don't want to know what it cost. I've just made that up. I like to think it was made of love. If I would ever reveal what I spent.

So she bought me that and... Probably fruit in the loom. Fruit in the loom in the label. She's got it screen printed at some place that usually does state those jumpers. Oh, yeah, they're trendy again now, Fruit of the Loom. Are they?

Yeah. And also Robert Harris' book, the third part of the Cicero trilogy. Yes. You'll all know it back home. You're listening in your sheds. And How to Poo at Work. And How to Poo at Work as well.

That's the fourth part of the Cicero trilogy, I believe. How to Poo at Work. Yes. I've half a mind to send Charlene to the men's toilet so that we can put it on social network. Yes, come on. Just in case people think I've made a mind to send Charlene to the men's toilet so that we can put it on social network. Yes, come on. Just in case people think I've made it up. The author may be listening.

Can I ask him not to? This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I'll tell you where I went on Christmas Day. Church. I did go to church on Christmas Day, but I wasn't going to force it down your throats. It wasn't a quiz. I went to, me and my partner Kath and our son Boz, we went to, this will be Christmas Day afternoon, we went to Starbucks. No.

Yeah. You guys know how to live, don't you? Well, it was nice because some people, you know, they'll serve at the local homeless lunch. Yeah, that's what I thought we were going to say. But we went to Starbucks, you know, and we sat amidst the lonely and broken-hearted. And luckily, Boz was quite naughty,

and I think that showed them that it's not the end of the world being on your own at Christmas. On Christmas Day it was open. Yes, it was open until I think 5.30. That is amazing to me. Really? Did you have a turkey back? I didn't. I'd already had my... I just had

a cup of tea actually. I'm a man who has a cup of tea at Starbucks. Weird. Who does that? Weird. It's one of the few places publicly you can get a nice cup of tea. Ah. Starbucks? Is it? Honestly.

One of the few places in public you can get a nice tea is the well-known coffee shop Starbucks. See, most restaurants are, if you don't mind me saying, the people that work there are not, they're not from tea-making cultures.

And consequently, they met them with tepid water or they bring them with you know i mean i'm moving into um what happens to those odd socks territory but um they'll bring you you know hot water in a pot and then a kit form the whole thing you've got put it together. There's a lot of paraphernalia, isn't there? Totally. But in Starbucks, you're going to go, I mean, I'm not advertising Starbucks. I bet you are. Well, you've only said it 50 times. You are. But it's well known, isn't it?

What am I going to get? A free cup of tea. Like you turn that down, either of you. I mean, maybe a big coin, I'd say. You're still one of the big coin. Oh, I love a coin. They're not just seasonal, are they? No they're always they're always they are always with the coins are always with us are they but what a place to go on christmas day what happened just because we could what we're out and about or was it a plan no we said let's go to starbucks you're kidding

because we knew it was open and we thought, you know what? What do we care? And off we went. It was quite exciting to be somewhere on Christmas Day. It wasn't boring. Yeah. Excellent. So that was my Christmas. Lovely. What else? Oh, I'll tell you what I did. I played

a board game. Which one? Oh, yeah. It's traditional. Yes. Snakes and Ladders. Which one? Traditional. Snakes and Ladders. Very good. Now I'll tell you something, you may sniff at Snakes and Ladders. I know some people, they like the Monopolies and all that. Sadly, I'd forgotten what a brilliant

game it was. Good game. I can't take it. I can't take it. I feel so depressed. I just feel, I spend the entire time just feeling stiff with stress as I go around that board. Really? Just lose everything and move. The jeopardy.

Well, that's what's great about it. You see, I've... All right, AIG. I've been... I've worked on a few television game shows. Yes, I know. Yeah. And one thing they're always trying to find is a way of preventing one of the contestants

from being so far ahead they're uncatchable. This is why they have the quick fire rounds and double money and all that. Oh, is that right? Yeah, to try and give someone a chance. Snakes and ladders? Yeah. Mate, you could be roaring ahead.

Suddenly you land on a snake head and drop into the abyss. Cock of the walk to pay the duster. Snakes. One second flat. Sorry, Al Cock of the walk to pay the duster. Snakes. One second flat. Sorry, Al. Just introduce snakes to all TV game shows. As you say, they bring people back to the start. They're like under the lights, they get sluggish. Oh, really? They're not as entertaining as you might think. I knew there would be an answer from someone

that's done a lot of telly. But how brilliant though, you can shoot up a ladder or just drop down. I believe Gary Barlow has had it incorporated into his family crest. Snakes and ladders. That's what it symbolises to me, that one day you can be at the very tip of

the snake and actually can be shoot up the ladder. No, it might be that when you shoot up that ladder you might pass a couple of dark areas. Let me tell you something. Two wrongs. Ha ha ha! Dark areas. Let me tell you something. Two wrongs. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Can you believe it? Charlie, the assistant producer, are you assistant or associate? Assistant. Assistant, has gone beyond the call of duty. She's gone into the men's toilets. Well, you say beyond the call of duty. She's gone into the men's toilets. Well, you say beyond the call of duty. She had a smile playing on her lips as she went in there. And she has actually brought How To Poet work into the studio.

I can see, if we lower the lights, I fancy we'll see the bacteria dancing up on its cover. Yeah, she's not wearing any rubber gloves or anything like that. Oh, how should you pick it up? It's a naked hand. But here it is. How could you pick it up, Frank? Not the first time you've heard that.

There'll be people on their way to the toilet now in this building thinking, oh, time for chapter seven. Okay, hold on a minute. It is a thick book, given its contents. I mean, it's almost a tome, given how... Yeah. I mean, it's pretty scant as a how-to book. It's not like...

It is. It's not Microsoft Office for dummies or something. How many pages would you say it is, Charlie? It's just about going to the bathroom. She'll count it, I'm sure. You're just trying to get her to actually get more and more contact. 144 pages. 144 pages on that subject.

On poo? I wouldn't read one page on it. What's happened to this country? 97 of them have just fallen. It's not reflective specifically of this country. Isn't it? I think it is. I think it might be this building.

What, the home of Shakespeare? We're approaching Shakespeare's anniversary. Is it 400th anniversary? Oh, is that right? How do we celebrate it? How to poo at work. Do you think that's why it was close there? A celebration of Shakespeare's anniversary? They probably

had the complete works of Shakespeare in there and it... That's what we get, Frank. People poo-pooed it. 2,000 years of civilisation and what do we get, Frank? But we're all different. That's the way to look at it. I'm sure it's a rattling good read.

Yeah. I'm not so sure of it. When I say sure, I mean maybe. I want to read it. Get the marigolds. Oh. That's the only way. The only way I'd read it. You know those things you see on the telly

and it's like a laboratory and there's two black gloves that are sort of set into the wall. Oh, yeah. And if you put your hands into the gloves and then you look through a glass thing, that's the only way I'd read it. They look fun, those gloves. Do they still do?

Can you still get those black gloves from laboratories? Can you still get them? I've never had them. I've never had them. Do they still exist? Like it was a brief trend in 1997. Like cargo pants. They used to be in lots of things like the Avengers and that.

They'd be in it regularly. But I haven't actually seen it feature in a TV show. Our readers would know that. Next week we'll find out for us. But don't text us today because we're not here. Otherwise Absolute Radio will make more money and then they'll spend it all on how to do it. No, but they won't want it because it'll be like blood money.

I know, of course they won't. Just email us and it'll go into the... To be fair to Absolute Radio, they actually ask us to tell people not to text him. They care. Don't think they don't care. They care. I don't.

You're busy reading that book in the toilet. I tell you what I watched on... You know, because Christmas television... I've always really watched what you really, really watched. Christmas television's quite a big... I watched the obvious thing, you know, Doctor Who, Sherlock. But I also watched Darcy Bissell.

What? It's not Darcy Bissell! Darcy Bissell from... It's not! It's Darcy Bustle. I'm pretty sure it is Darcy Bissell. I don't think it's actually Darcy Bustle. It is, Frank! Sorry, can everyone in this room please support me? I think it is Darcy Bustle.

It's a mouthful. Wouldn't that be a false bottom in the shape of Colin Firth? Frank, it is four against one. We'll agree to differ. No, we won't agree to differ. It's four against one. She's not going to rest until you say I'm wrong. You need to say you're wrong. I can't say I'm wrong. This is why Frank and I can't be in a

relationship. I wouldn't say that's the only reason. Anyway, Darcy from... Darcy Bissell from Strictly did a show about male ballet dancers.

Did she? Oh, lovely. Don't sound so surprised. That's her background. Lovely, Frank. True, true enough. And I'd never really seen her from the waist down before, because obviously on Strictly, she's generally behind the counter.

And you're in a long term relationship. No obviously she's a very attractive woman and that but she has very very much got the ballerina you know the feet that sort of 10 to 2 the feet. You're right. And so she's a very elegant woman but the shots of her

walking about and it's quite Is that first position or second position? I don't know. I don't know that well. But she's the sort of woman, if there was heavy snow, she's the sort of woman I'd phone to come round for a cup of tea just to clear the path as she walked up. She was really quite distinctively spread-eagled. Oh, yeah. Like I say, she's a lovely woman, She was really quite distinctively spread-eagled.

Oh, I see. I mean, like I say, she's a lovely woman, and a woman of, obviously, a dazzling career. But if she was in Year 5, a side team, it'd be all side foots. Right. There'd be no true volleys. That's my theory. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Do you want us to talk for a bit while you finish your blanched almonds? What I like about the blanched almonds, they're like angels' teardrops, I always think. Laps into some poetry, if you want. Whereas a normal almond has got that sort of brown curtain material from my childhood. Well, when they've got the cyanide in them, I hate that. They've all got that, haven't they? Yeah, but some of them more than others. Yes.

Anyway. How true. Full story, bro. I did a TV show. I know I don't like to bring up my other work on the show. Much. But it was on BBC Four, so it was almost radio. And it was a documentary series

about the history of popular entertainment. I can plug it now because it's gone. OK. I took in a couple of eps, I think. Did you? Maybe even all of them. It was a three? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. I took in a couple of eps, I think. Did you? Maybe even all of them. It was a three, yeah. Yes.

Yeah. I might have. Might have. Not sure. Don't tell me what you thought. I did. I did already. I enjoyed.

Oh, good. Excellent. Well, thank you. My mother-in-law, I asked. I had made the mistake I never make, something I've avoided my whole career. I asked her if she'd watched it. Oh.

And now, normally normally I always think if people want to tell you something's good, they'll tell you. You don't have to tease them. So I said, did you watch... She said, oh... I mean, she actually did say it. She said, oh, I don't like looking back.

Really? As you can imagine, she's a nightmare on the motorway. Oh, yeah. Just pulls out. But she said, no, I don't like looking back. I've got Dan Lee now and all, that makes me depressed. Really? Oh.

I mean, it's a big condemnation. I mean, the whole of history. Looking back? The Hampton Courts ruled out for her. Well, any sort of... Anything. Yesterday's ruled out. That's ruled out what I just said. I thought the general belief was that as people advanced in age, they looked back more and more on life. I thought that was the thing.

Well, otherwise, how does... Did Past Times make a profit? Yes, but it closed, of course, Past Times. Too many Sandy Mason. People have stopped looking back. Can we stop reminiscing about past times? It's the best. It's the most intensive nostalgia you could have. Is it getting a bit meta?

Yeah. What did it actually sell? No, past times. I seem to remember a Peter Rabbit tea towel. There were a lot of medieval pendants. Oh, yes. And then a sort of, anything sort of wrought iron. There was a lot of wrought iron.

There was no set period, was there? Any wrought iron. Any wrought iron. A lot of, some 20s, maybe a cravat. Oh. It was quite random. You know when you see those films where they go backstage at the sort of MGM studios and in the canteen there's like Vikings sitting next to cowboys.

Pastimes, that was basically their... That was how they did their stock planning. It was that same theory. Anything historical will do. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran Don't text us this morning because it's three days ago That's true If you know what I mean So we're not live and I hate not being live

but needs moss So anyway you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. But no texting, no liking. That's right. Or something like that. When you say needs must, it might be time to tell people

what you have got planned on Saturdays, that you're learning how to do the javelin, aren't you? I have. You've got javelin lessons. I have, yes. It's the last bit of that event that you'vein, aren't you? I am. You've got javelin lessons. I have, yes. It's the last bit of that event that you've got, isn't it? Is it decathlon?

I'm on the left arm. Yes. The right arm is international level. Well, you overdeveloped it, didn't you? You've got tendinitis, so you've had to start doing the other side. I'm looking for double javelin, throwing two at the same time. That would be brilliant. Double javelin? You'd be good at that, Frank. Double javelin sounds like

something that they say in bookmaking. Remember double carpet, that thing that John McCruddy used to say? He was a tic-tac. Double carpet? He used to say, yeah, double carpet. It's something like... I don't know what it means, but there's a lot of you at home that could text in if we was live. I don't want you winning the decathlon.

No. You know why? For placing. No, because then he'll just have to turn up to every social event in a tracksuit, and I can't be doing with that. Well, Bruce Jenner got out of that. Yeah, that's right. The one way you can avoid turning up at everything in a tracksuit,

but, I mean, it's an extreme measure, but God bless him. Speaking of international athletes... Oh, yes. What about Hang Down Your Head, Tom Daley? Yeah, broke the internet this Christmas. Hang Down Your Head? It's a whole folk song, Hang Down Your Head. Tom Dooley.

Oh, Tom Dooley. He broke the internet with his frying pan. He did. He did. I didn't know he had such a temper. Yeah. Apparently he had a noise in the night. He came down and he thought it was a burger.

It turned out to be the internet. Gave it such a wallop. Oh, people are loving his frying pan, aren't they? Absolutely. What do you think of it, Al? Can you explain what it is for Perks? For the viewer, or the listener, reader, for the reader of the show who has not seen his...

I've forgotten multiple choice. Yeah, why not? Why not? He Instagrammed a photograph of a compartmentalised frying pan, I would say, with a middle section, like a griddle. Men were big fans of it. Yeah, I think they were. A master pan, it's called. Is it really?

It's six sections. Come on, give respect to that. Master pan. They just left the L out. I think it's quite good. Master pan. Oh, that is good. Master pan.

Come on. I haven't even spotted that when you said it first time. That is actually a great bit of marketing. As you were. Master pan. You reckon it's... Although, they might end up selling more marzip great bit of marketing. Sorry, Al. As you were. Masterpan. You reckon it's... Although they might end up selling more marzipan because of that. That's the problem.

That's the flaw. That's going to disappoint someone when that turns up on Amazon. I'll get the bacon ready. Here we go. Oh, it doesn't even take... Five compartments. Is it five? I thought it was six.

Oh, is it six? I could be wrong. I was just trying to picture it. No, I think you're right. I think there's a long central compartment and then two at each side. I'm seeing five. Oh, I think there's five. Because I'll tell you what concerned me,

and I'd like to discuss this with you both. Yeah, do. Do tell. What are the two square sections for the eggs? I have an issue. I don't like a square egg. I don't like an egg, if I'm honest. No, but I don't think... He put the scrambled eggs in there.

Did you see that? Are they scrambled eggs? I think that was. Because he's got... If you notice, to the left, there is a saucepan with two eggs boiling. Yes. So what is in that section?

What are those yellow squares? I wondered if he could be warming his verruca pads. Did you? He must be a slave to the verruca in his line of work. What about some eggy toast, maybe? Well, it's fitting very snug for eggy toast. If it is, then he's used the pan previously as some kind of cookie cutter. Do you think?

And that's where he's got his eggy toast from. I'll be honest, I think it's scrambled eggs in those sections. I do, I do. And I think he's also hard-boiling a few eggs, perhaps for later as a snack. Because athletes eat a lot of eggs. I know from when I spent two weeks with the World's Strongest Men, they eat ten eggs at any go.

I mean, that's the minimum egg intake, is ten. I mean, I'm trying to eat a lot and it is difficult to eat that many eggs, let me tell you. Back in Birmingham I used to hang around with some blokes who claimed to be the world's strongest men. The closest they got to an egg was a whole bottle of Advocar at a family party.

So, I don't know, but I was disappointed, as they say in football. I was disappointed, as they say in football. I was disappointed by the fact that he had a saucepan with eggs boiling at the side. Because if I had that, the whole thing for me was that the whole breakfast is cooking simultaneously in one frying pan. That's the joy of it. There's no reason why he couldn't have put water in one of those sections

and boiled the eggs. There is. What is the reason? There's really good reasons. It's just a bad idea, isn't it? Why? Because it won't boil properly. You'd be sitting there for about four hours

waiting for water to boil in a frying pan. Well, let's try it. Okay. Let's buy a master pan. Can I say this conversation is like two blokes in a cell? Well, what's your point? Can you give it time? It feels a bit like that.

It does? Yeah, I mean, I'm just sitting here trying to get points for my phone. Trading tobacco for physical favours. What? Music. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Oh, I love that.

That's all good bell with incitation. We were talking about Tom Daley. Tom Daley's pan. There was a lot of internet feedback about the pan. Much of it favourable, but some... We should say, am I right, he wasn't actually...

He was just sort of saying, I'm making breakfast for my boyfriend. He wasn't actually plugging the pan. No, it wasn't a promoted tweet or anything. He just liked the pan. I don't think he's got a finger in the pan. No. But, you know, sales have gone up 1,000%.

Impossible. Can you have 1,000%? It's impossible. You can if you're friends with Simon Cowell. He's a sportsman who regularly gives 110%. It says 1,000% they've gone up. Yeah, I can believe that, because it's a great-looking pan. It's a great-looking pan.

Who thought we'd ever say that on here? I wish it had just been... I wish it had just been the long one, so it looked like it was divided into lanes. Columns. Which would have more of a swimming pool. I mean, I know he doesn't use the lane markers, but that would be... Well, and you could put the sausage in that section and the bacon,

the eggs you'd have an issue with. Not sure about the beans. I noticed there was a lot of splashing on the side walls. I think that's him from dropping the sausage in from about four feet. But it's amazing because isn't he got it that this pan has now gone to 1,000% sales and he's got no share of it. He's got nothing from it.

He's got a piece of it as they say got a piece of that pain but it's it's interesting that he has exposed the world to the compartments for his full english because prior to that i didn't know that was an option no i didn't know because i sort of do a makeshift version of that sometimes if i've got bacon already in the pan or or some other meat i will occasionally crack an egg into a cup and then i will fry the egg in the same pan but i use the cup to sort of begin it if you if you get me wow well i'll take it off too soon you're talking to us like you're teaching english in a foreign language i will fry the egg and then I will place it in the cup. It's like when Tarzan talks to people. Well, I poached an egg in my

cupped hands over a gas stove. No, Charlton Heston. I don't think you have. In my cold cupped hands. I haven't actually done that. Charlton Heston Blumenthal. That's who he is. Don't mention that man. How is the Blumenthal back?

It's better than it was. Oh, it's a shame. Progress. Why? Well, it's a shame that you hurt yourself. I've got, thank you, hurt myself. I was hurt. I have a couple of poaching rings.

Yes. I've heard that. Have you seen these? No, but I'm interested because I never poach eggs at home and it might be my New Year's resolution to start with. Poaching rings are just two metal rings

that you just drop into a saucepan above the water. And then when you break the eggs, you break them above the poaching rings. The eggs go down, they sit in the poaching rings. In the water. So you get, when it's poached,

a perfectly round, non-spread. It gets quite soggy. No, I like it, but it sits in water. It's poached. I know how it is. But it doesn't have that, you know the shape of a poached egg when you just let it run free looks like

a graphic of paint on a children's art product. Yeah, yeah. But this is lovely circular. I love a poaching ring. I'd like some of those. I think Tom's got the five ones, which he does. But you have to be a medalist.

Was he bronze? Oh, didn't he get higher? I think he was bronze. I don't think he got any higher than that. I mean, who'd bother? I'd use that as a coaster. If the camera had panned to the left, if I may say panned to the left in the circumstances,

in the circumstances, it wouldn't have been great to have seen a cop on his bronze medal just to use as a standard coaster? He would have shot up. Can I say, over Christmas, a friend of mine, Polly, said to me, she got out a coaster at her house, and I said, I can't believe you're getting a coaster out. And she said, well, we've all got a bit of Frank Skinner in us.

She said she'd keep that quiet. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. I'd be tempted to get myself one of these Tom Daley frying pans in the sales, but I've got a funny feeling my in-laws might treat me to a frying pan for my upcoming birthday. But it won't be that one, will it? It won't be that one, because I admire theirs. My mother-in-law made us a very nice bubble and squeak in a massive pan

and I said, oh, that's a good pan for bubble and squeak, isn't it? And she said, yeah. And I think they might have thought, oh, we could get him one. How's he present hint that one? It wasn't what I was intending, but I'd be delighted with it. Bubble and squeak cajoling. I love bubble and squeak. In fact, if we may be discussing,

and I think you've talked about your poaching rings, haven't you? Yeah. I think probably my favourite kitchen utensil that I own is a potato masher that I got as a gift. Oh, love those. With the holes? No, no, not holes. This one's like if I may describe it, it's almost like an

upturned heavy plastic umbrella and then it comes down. Upturned heavy plastic umbrella? Was that a Billy Joel song? Upturned heavy plastic umbrella. That was the original. Joey, you're right, it needs shortening. Just give me a moment, will you?

Give me a moment. Elton's on the line. Tell, you're right, it needs shortening. Just give me a moment, will you? Give me a moment. Elton's on the line. Tell him I'm not in. Yes. Okay, an upturned plastic. Great for mashing the vegetables for bowl. Oh, I'm seeing it. Yeah, I think it's called something like the Sputnik.

Worth a look. Oh, I like that. Spodnik. The Spudnik. Well, I'll tell you what, Frank, it is now. The Spudnik. But when you say an you what, Frank, it is now. The Spudnik. But when you say an upturned umbrella, you mean point down. If you turn it downwards, then it is.

Does it open like an umbrella? No, no, it's a heavy plastic thing, but it sort of flares out and the top is quite rugged with like a... Why are we even talking about this in this? I love it when you paint words pictures. That's what radio's all about. Yeah, but it's quite... Oh, it's like Alistair Cook's letter from America.

It's quite an agricultural bit of kit, I must say. But anyway, I'm not getting one of those, but I have... Can I say, by the way, when it comes to the Tom Daley frying pan, is that... 70 pounds. This is not one of those radio shows where we beg for stuff. So if you're thinking of sending us one,

you can stick it. Yeah, definitely don't send Frank one. Unless, of course, it's non-stick. Very good. Very good. Just definitely don't send Frank one. That's what we're saying. I don't want to.

That's what we're saying. Honestly. Don't send Frank or anyone. If you send me one, I'll keep tadpoles in it. Frank, I'll tell you what I do love, though. I'm all over my rubber lemon squeezer. Are you familiar with these?

Rubber lemon squeezer? You haven't lived. Because squeezing lemons is... Hang on. Oh, I see. Listen, hear me out. So it's in the shape of a lemon. It's rubber.

Okay. But it's cut in it's in the shape of a lemon. It's rubber. Okay. But it's cut in half, if you can imagine. So it's a hollowed out yellow rubber lemon. I see. Do you understand? Yes. Then I cut the lemon in half, I pop it inside there, I squeeze it. There are holes at the tip of the lemon.

And it's the same, it fulfills the same function as the muslin protector. Oh, yeah. Steady. Yeah. No, that's for loud. Is it all protector. Oh, yeah. Steady. Yeah. No, that's allowed. Is that all right? Okay, sorry. Totally fine.

Get it. But it's so much easier. But what about the pips? They stay in the rubber lemon. Now, I was just reading a day from my journal when Gladys Knight died. That was my first concern. Oh. I thought you were trying to make a phone call in the year I was born.

That's the annoying thing about actual lemon squeezing. Because the pips, I mean, you can't even see. It looks like there's maybe two pips. You squeeze, there's 17 come out. What about those tiny little brown ones? They make me ill. It's like rag week. You know when they get 20 students into a mini?

It's like that. You think, oh, how'd they come? And some you don't notice until it's too late. No. You can take those out later and thread them into a lovely necklace. Have you thought about that? Sell it in past times. Yeah.

Really past times. Neanderthal. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, it's January and I've hit the sales. I've already got a couple of things that I'm very pleased with and I've got a funny feeling that both of you are just too independently wealthy

to appreciate this January sales. Is that a fair summary? That's a fair summary, isn't it? I'm not going to deny it. I have bought a couple of sale items. Have you? How have you done? How have you done?

I bought the box set of Torchwood DVD. It's a very interesting thing to buy on the sale. Well, you know, I don't believe in wearing real fur. That's the only thing I ever remember anyone buying in the sales as a kid was a fur coat. Oh, really? And what kind of fur? And my girlfriend bought me an enormous book

of Marvel Comics front covers. Oh, no. Half the price. Half price. I was about to ask what kind of markdown are we talking on the Torchwood? Torchwood, I don't think, it wasn't that much off, but, you know, it was in a sound, it had a sticker on it. Well

you're only young once. We were away staying in a sort of a cottage thing in York. Lovely. Cottage thing? Over the New Year period. Wasn't quite a cottage. Wasn't quite a cottage. Well, a bungalow? No, it was a small house but not an

old small house. Anyway, we were near a designer outlet, and we were all round to January 2nd or whatever, and I said to my wife and my mum, shall we go to the designer outlet and get the sales? So it's already cheap in there, and then it's January, I got a Levi's shirt reduced from 80 quid to 20. That is...

Goodness me. That is not bad, is it? A Levi's shirt? And I don't like to brag, but... LAUGHTER I didn't... I didn't... That's all they're famous for.

They can't sell them since Top Gear's been off air. I didn't reveal this before the show, but you guys both complimented me on my top January sales. Which one was that? Oh, the black and green. I didn't. I like it, though. Oh.

I think it's lovely. So do I. 22. Did all right there, too. 80 down to 22. Ah, pretty pleased. This is brilliant. How many of these have you got, by the way?

Well, I thought I was done. What's good is that you're telling us as well. The worst thing you can do is when you say to someone, guess how much, and they say, 15 quid, and you go, oh. Well, no, it was 22, but still. I hate that. When they undermine you.

I like that. Let me tell you, I thought I was done. I thought, that's me done with the January sales. And then I went to Morrison's to's me done with the January sales. And then I went to Morrison's to do a food shop the other day. But lo and behold, festive Brazil nuts. They've got a festive packaging on. Festive?

They're not festive, are they? They're not perishable. They're still going to be good in March, probably. I bought two packets. And I was in a posh deli and I got some Stilton marked down from £8 to £1.62. Oh, man. It's like you're with an old lady just telling us all the bargains she got.

If I'm wrong, what that represents. This is not unlike when I went to see Alan Bennett's talking heads at the National Theatre. That good, eh? Fantastic. That good. Well, that's... Congratulations.

This is like when I went to see my great grandmother in Wales doesn't affect you guys does it what doesn't bargains the January sales

why the January sales oh come on I've got some bargains in my my Ben's was knocked down oh good for you sorry to hear that

really do you need to know a panel beater no that's an F you well done on that. Whilst I was away in York, I think I was a bit mean to my mum. I might owe her an on-air apology. I can't imagine you being a bit mean.

Ha-ha. But carry on. Go on, tell us what you said. Get out of your Christmas fest now. Well, you know, we were playing a quiz. Oh, don't do that with families. We were playing a game. It's an app called 94%.

Do you know it? You have to get to 94% in this quiz. So they ask a question. The whole family were gathered around an app. Well, no, it was me and my mum and my wife. Times is hard. Children were in tears. Oh, OK.

While in a way. It sounds fun. It's quite general knowledge. Well, it can be. So some rounds are picture rounds. So you have to get at least 94%? You have to get to 94%. So it might be sun blank, and then you say something.

So you would say sunscreen, sunburns. Oh. And so it builds its way up. Sunny Bono. Oh, no, there's not that. Sunny Bono. Well, that's what I would have said. Oh, we never got to that.

Anyway, there was a bit of an incident. If you're listening, do use sunscreen. That's a good point. There was a bit of an incident, but I'm wondering if I might need to tell you about it in a moment. OK, I'm anxious about it, which is always a good sign. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Sorry, Frank, I mean... Sorry, Frank, I've got... Sorry, Al. Can I just interject? I'm just opening another tab. I don't like it because I've got a little silver bit hanging down from my headphones and I feel like I'm on the flying eye. You know, they have those little microphones. It looks good, actually.

Do you think I should do that? OK, sorry. Carry on. It's actually quite fetching. Thank you. I'm not sure it's great radio that we're discussing how each other looks. Oh, I know. Tell us how much cheese costs in Morrisons. You can't hit three hours of great radio. Even Homer nods. You have to have your downs and your ups. Light and dark.

So I think I was a bit mean to my mum. Not on the sunscreen round, sun blank. We're playing this game 94%. So is it like blankety blank? Is that what it's like? You know, I think they've asked the hundred... It's a bit Americanised, so sometimes the people are stupid. You said, our survey said. Kind of.

OK. So one of the rounds, for example, was film titles with a number in them. So seven gets maybe like 32%, and then you think of another one... Seven Brides for Seven Brothers? Exactly. Oh, you've just done the same number. Seven Dwarfs. You can't just always do seven, Frank.

You can, but you won't get to the 94% is the point. Four Weddings and a Funeral. Four Weddings and a Funeral didn't get anything. Tried it, but it didn't come up. Anyway, let's not play it now. I quite like it. So we get to the round that is celebrities with one name. Celebrities with one name.

Frank. Okay. Not Frank. Madonna. Exactly. Madonna straight in with a lot of... I never thought of Chico. Chico must have been...

That must have been a big score. I never thought of Chico, but both of you... Guess what? Nor did anyone else ever. I mean, I put in quite a lot of suggestions. What time was it when you were playing? It was Chico time. Clearly it wasn't Chico time.

I was about to answer you properly there. It was about 10pm, I think. You know, we put in quite a few. I tried a few. I was trying to sort of test whether the computer had a fairly loose version of what celebrity is. You start panicking. After a little while you start panicking. I put in Jesus, I put in hitler i'm trying to you know people known by one name not

necessarily only got one name i was gonna say i hope people didn't look at your history afterwards very curious here's what my mom said here's what my mom said as and i think she must have been panicking she's trying to get it she's not not thinking clearly she says who's that guy, the brother of the guy that writes the songs Andrew Lloyd Webber and I said well I think you mean Julian Lloyd Webber and for a start he's not

a celebrity really he's kind of barely kind of but even when you remember him... I mean, cellists aren't really celebrities. I would argue the fact that... Didn't he write that... We didn't write it, but didn't he perform?

Oh, the South Bank show? I think he performed... Didn't we all love? I think that... He's not up there with Chico. He's not up there with Chico, and I think it's revealed that he's not that much of a celebrity by the fact that she's saying the brother of Andrew Lloyd Webber.

And, you know, he hasn't just got one name. He hasn't got two names, he's got three names. And I think I was a bit merciless in my mockery. I kept mentioning it, I kept mentioning Julian Lloyd Webber. So I'd like to offer an on-air apology to my mother, who's a nice woman. That's lovely. She's really nice. I'm quite an obscure person as well.

It's a real panic. I think it was Dean Martin who said show me a man who loves his mother and I'll show you a man who's man enough for me. Well, there you go. That's actually from Oedipus the

Musical. Frank? Frank Skinner. For me. Well, there you go. That's actually from Oedipus the Musical. I'm also a little bit concerned about myself. I told a lie just before Christmas. Did you? Yeah. I was at a supermarket doing a food shop. It's all very fear of the mundane when I talk. Are you saying

that shirt wasn't 22 quid? No, no, that's not the lie. Here's what happened. I was taking the trolley back, right? Oh, the one pound trolley? Yeah, yeah. And this woman came up and said oh, I've got a pound, I could just take that.

And I said, well, actually I've got to put it back because it's got my wife's little token in it. You know, the tokens that you can put into the trolley so you don't use a pound. You just keep it. It's legal, though? Yeah, it's totally legal. It's not fraud. You're not leaving it there. Oh. But here just keep it. It's legal, though. Yeah, it's totally legal. It's not fraud.

You're not leaving it there. Oh. But here's the problem. It's my coin. It's not my wife's at all. I don't know why I told her a thing. Because you were ashamed. I think it might be a revelation that I'm actually an alpha male after all.

You don't want to be a man who has a supermarket trolley token. How embarrassing. I am that man. I know you are, but we're all things that we don't want to be. It says Alan on it with an A. It's got your name on it. No, no, it's not. It's got Alan with an A.

My name is spelled A-L-U-N. No, but it's got a name on it. Are they personalised? Yeah, you can... Where do you get them? I think it was a gift from my in-laws, like a jokey. Well, they couldn't spell your name, your in-laws. No, they just couldn't...

How? They didn't get it engraved. Can I break... How can I break this to you? They got it engraved. That's beautiful. I think if they had, they would have spelled my name properly.

But I think, you know, commercially speaking, if I had a business, I wouldn't have anything with ALU on. ALUN. I would have ALAND because it's a much more common... Yeah, guess what? I wouldn't have anything

because I wouldn't make things like that if I had a business. And furthermore, I wouldn't buy that as a gift for someone. I'm guessing you've got it on a string like Tomcat. It's on the car key. Like on a lanyard. On the car key.

On his glasses. I didn't know. You don't want it on there. You want it on the car key for when you're in a food shop. So how much did they spend a pound on the token? I don't think so. Because if you're getting lots of usage out of it,

surely it should be like £50. Oh, it's lasted years. But you know, occasionally you're at a supermarket, you might be in your Benz, and you think, oh, I need a pound for the trolley, and I haven't got any pounds. It's perfect for that exact scenario. You always get the pound back, don't you?

You do, yeah. It wouldn't make sense for it to be £50, because you could just put in a pound and then take it out again. That is... It doesn't cost you anything. No, I know I'd worked that out two minutes ago. Don't worry, Frank,

I made a mistake. I did. Say that. I was basing when I told you you worked it out. No, didn't I work it out earlier? Yeah, yeah, but I'm a liar. This is the thing that worries me.

I think I'd be ashamed of that token as well. Would you? Would you, Frank? Would you have one of those? No, I wouldn't have one. Why not? I'd rather carry it

around in my arms dropping from all corners like cabbages and kings on Cracker Jack. So macho. I never thought I'd say that to you. I'd rather just put it

in a pile and kick it around the floor like you do. You know when you're queuing at the airport and you just keep sliding your bag along with your foot? I'd rather just put it in a pile and kick it around the floor like you do. You know when you're queuing at the airport, you just keep sliding your bag along with your foot. I'd rather do it like that. In fact, if I was shopping with Darcy Bissell, we could

do the whole week's worth. She'd soon slide it round. Wouldn't be a problem. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. That was Travis with Why Does It Always Rain On Me? This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran this morning.

Don't text in, OK? Just don't. That's them told. Yeah, we're not live this morning, I'll be honest with you. So don't text in. You can follow the show on Twitter, however, at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Now, we've been discussing Alan's sartorial triumphs this morning.

You're looking nice and green as well. Everyone's good and green today. However, it's time attention was paid to the Duke of Edinburgh, because he was voted 12th best dressed man on the, I think it's a GQ magazine best dressed man list. Now what's extraordinary, you know they do this every year,

don't they? They do. They had Eddie Redmayne won this year essentially because he was on the cover. Right. And they could get a cover shoot with him. I would imagine that's why he won. Cynic, love it.

You'd know, you're in the business. A little bit of insider cynicism from the magazine trade there. So, who else? So Beckham was on it. Sam Smith. Didn't have a strange choice, in any way. I can't really think of his look. Apart from Ant and Dec, I don't think of anyone with a very distinct look.

Well, I'll tell you who has. Paul Hollywood, who got worse dressed. He's a bit leather jacket with collars up, I'm afraid. And he's also, I call it, too old for guns. You know when the older man goes for the guns and they work out too much? He smells lovely, though. I met him once. Oh, I think he's a lovely man.

He smells like the body shop. But he's too old for guns. It's a bit tight with socks in it. I don't like that. Leave that look alone. To be honest, I've never noticed that he's got guns. Oh, he does? He seems more piping bags than guns to me.

Yeah. Grimmy was second. Mr Grimshaw. That must be a mistake. That's the magazine suggesting don't think that we are just like Savile Row, Sartorial Elegance. You know, we can appreciate a Grimmy, we can appreciate a grim,

and we can appreciate, like, a torn jean and an open shirt and all that, isn't it? And a pointy suede boot. Duke of Edinburgh, to be in Best Dressed Man when you're 94, this could be a great year for Oxfam. And a great year for the Wimbledon linesman, because I think his look is very Wimbledon. Oh, his blazer's a bit umpire-like.

Yeah, he's a bit umpire, isn't he? Umpire chic. I think Prince Charles gets all his hand-me-downs, doesn't he? Is that right? He sort of dresses like a 94-year-old man, Prince Charles. He has done since he was about 12. Yeah. So I think there is a line going down there.

See, I think at 94, if he's won that best-dressed man, somebody else has got to take the credit for it, because he's not doing that, is he? Well, I don't think the royals ever dress themselves. Exactly. But at 94, they certainly don't. Surely it would be... I thought it was a bit mean.

Josh Whittakin was second-worst-dressed. Yes. That's strange. I saw Ramesh Ranganathan this afternoon. He was absolutely delighted. Couldn't wait to tell me. In case I hadn't heard. Oh, it's shot through the comedy community.

There's been champagne corks have been a-popping. Excellent. Again, I can't really... He's a sort of cardigan-ass man, isn't he, Josh? He's head of top, love. Hoodie? Yeah. Pretty standard, what I would call street wear.

I was, shall I say, shocked to see that in seventh position was Skepta. Who? Skepta. Skepta. I mean, James Bond must be livid after their years of enmity. Who is that? Is it a rapper, Daisy? He's a grime artist.

Yes, I believe he's a grime artist. Come on, give him a chance. He's trying to make a living. A grime artist, some best-dressed man? Surely. I've never... Have I not heard of... He's in the best-dressed man. The skipper. The Renault skipper.

Tell me something about Daisy. I've not heard of him. He's in the best dress room I've ever heard of. Skeptor. The Renault Skeptor. Tell me something about Daisy. Tell me something about him. You seem sceptical. He's big, is he? Well, you know, I'm... Sorry, Skeptor. I mean, you should have heard of him. Guess what?

You don't mind me calling you Skeptor? Guess what? He's not listening. Skeptor is not listening to Absolute Radio this morning. He is now. Now he's heard about the 94% artists with one name. He's not listening. Skepta is not listening to Absolute Radio this morning. He is now. Now he's heard about the 94% artists with one name. Never even thought to put him out.

God, if you'd come out with Skepta. We didn't even think of Rihanna at the time. Have you heard of anyone? Have you heard of Fetty? Who? Who's Fetty? I can't even. Of course I've heard of Fetty. I've just heard of Griggs Eld.

Fetty Ar I can't even. Of course I've heard of Fetty. I've just heard of Griggs Eld. Fetty Arbuckle. No, but I just thought, I think to be in the best dress, to be in the best dress man, you've got to sort of, you know, you've got to be famous plus, because you've got to be not just successful in your field. Well, that's it, Frank. But you need to be seen around and about, you know. Right.

I mean, I browsed the tabloids. 1963 attitude towards life. You've got to be a face. I haven't seen Skepta coming out of Tramp's nightclub. Well, I'm sorry, Skepta. I love that you didn't know who he was. Did you honestly know who he was? Yes, I'd heard of him.

I thought he was some sort of rapper. Can you name three of his tracks? I can't name one of his tracks. No. What about you, Al? Have you heard of Skepta? Yeah, I like Mr Boombastic. You hadn't heard of him? I like that one that he does. I like he does one about the days of the week.

No, I don't know any of his music. I've never heard of the chap. I don't know who he is. Well, my heart certainly Skepta Beat. Skepta Beat could be the title of his new album. know who he is. No. Well, My Heart's certainly Skepta Beat. Skepta Beat. That could be the title of his new album. That's his surname. And if it was featured on Heart Radio, My Heart's Skepta Beat could be the poster.

That's good. God, Skepta. Can you get me Skepta's PR people? Please don't. On the phone. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Beautiful, that was Villagers with Hot Scary Summer. What if Skepta had joined the police force?

He could have ended up as Inspector Skepta. Of the yard. Oh, dear. Into Skepta? Anyway, congratulations to Skepta He's 7th in the Best Dressed Man Why are you congratulating him when he's 7th and you don't know who he is

7th's alright People congratulated me on having the joint 8th Best Jerk of the Edinburgh Festival last year Yeah that's true 7th is fine, well done Skepta Yeah I mean we're nowhere to be seen I'm not on there.

Yeah. Can you imagine if I was here? And other things that didn't surprise me. Look, I was in Rear of the Year. I mean, that's a bit more important. You were, Frank. I'm won Rear of the Year. That's better than being Best Dressed Man. Lovely photo of you with Carol smiling. Never forget. Rear of the Year, there's no

hiding place, whereas anyone in a cot suit can look nice. Good point. In fact, you claimed last year that you look hiding place whereas anyone in a cot suit can look nice. Good point. In fact you claimed last year that you look better than James Bond in a well cut suit. Well I do.

He's got too muscular now for a suit. James Bond. He's got the Hollywood guns. Yeah he needs to be in skins. He needs to be

dressed in skins I think. Yeah. What's he got Craig? DC. I was very pleased that he beat Prince Harry, Duke of Edinburgh. Doesn't Prince Harry dress like Duke of Edinburgh as well, though? No, he's a bit more gapyard, isn't he?

Of course, he had a jerkin' on the other way, if I remember right. He's more friendship bracelets, Frank, and a frayed jean, isn't he? We've talked about this before, but I don't like it when the royals do that friendship bracelet thing. No, I don't. I think it's like the uber-rich, when they wear that friendship bracelet, I think it's just that they think they're on an all-life-long, all-inclusive holiday, and they just put their hand up.

Oh, take mine off, then. A little wristband, and that's it. Yeah, I think you're right. Bring me stuff for free. Yeah. That's their thing. Well, I used to wear friendship bracelets, I don't know if you remember that.

I think I was probably wearing them when we started doing this show. Sure, sure. There's a point when I realised that the bracelets were actually outnumbering my friends. I decided to stop. I mean, it makes you look like you've had a gap year or something like that. Which, of course, for Prince Harry,

life's a gap year. Exactly. So I don't mind. I have to say, I don't think he's the strangest of the Levi's shirt. No. OK? Fine with that. £22, £20.

He probably didn't get his at a £80 down to £20 discount, did he? He didn't, but who knows what the staff are up to and then claiming it was full price. Good point. I hadn't even thought i um i uh everything i wear of course is stuff that has been bought for me to do tv shows he doesn't buy any clothes of his own do you no it's all budget stuff i ever just fancy something i do fancy it but i think, I've got 12 of those. They're not as nice, but it's all right. I think what you end up is wearing stuff that's not quite what you would have chosen.

But I think that's good for the soul. I rarely look in the mirror and think, yes, sir. Yes, sir, reed. You're no sceptre on the clothes. No, no. Who is? I'm sub-sceptre. I think you found your look late in life.

You reckon? You look very well put together these days. Thank you so much. I mean, that means a lot to me. I think I've gone sort of Irish club show act. Yeah? Bit of knitwear and, you know, just generally relaxed. No, do you know where I'm going?

Hot Daddy Warbucks. Oh. Yeah. I saw a strange thing. And maybe I'll forget how much he meant to me. What was the strange thing you saw, Alan? I saw a strange thing in the paper. It was a photograph of Guy Ritchie,

who's in the news a bit at the moment, because him and Madonna are not getting on. And he was walking wearing a woolly jumper and a flat cap. And it said underneath in the newspaper it said, Guy Ritchie went for a walk wearing his trademark flat cap.

And I thought, has he really got a trademark out on that? Because I might owe him some money. I wear a flat cap. Well, I tell you, you'll owe money to his Peaky Blinders. Because they love a cap. I don't even think he's known for it, is he? Fair enough. Guy Ritchie.

If the title of the show is actually based on part of a cap, I think that's all right. Andy Cap, also. Andy Cap, I mean, he's got his cap. He's a bit root one in his cap associations. But Guy Ritchie, is he? I think I do associate him from that loaded magazine period where sort of lad started wearing a bit of tweed.

Right. Yeah. Yeah, I think he probably... In that case, it passed me by somewhat. Maybe I didn't know that. There you are, Guy is defended. If only I could get Skepta back on board. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I got up to something very exciting over Christmas. Go on. Well, my boiler broke, which was a nightmare, obviously. You'll have to stick with me over this. I know it sounds like a very boring story hey I took us to Morrison's for some Brazil nuts don't you worry about that I think I don't think the bar has been raised I kissed a girl and I liked it I don't think the bar has been raised too much that's Alan's version um so it was ended up, I mean, with one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Wow. Which was, well, I'll save it. I'll save what happened to me. Okay. So, I had problems with my boiler. I was telling Daisy, our producer, I said, what am I going to do? She said, give my friend Ricky a call. Now, Ricky works with her partner, Jermaine.

Okay. Little duo. Sort of seems to work. They've known each other a long time. So, they turn up on my doorstep, Daisy's partner. Okay. Little duo. Sort of seems to work. They've known each other a long time. So they turn up on my doorstep, Daisy's partner and Ricky. Lovely pair. How it seems to work is, Ricky basically does all the work, and Jermaine just talks

to me all the time. That's all that happened. And that's why they're a good double act. There's a price to that. Yeah, I liked it. So, we were really getting on well. Then I said, oh, I've got to pay you. It was a bit clip joint. I had to go to the cash point. Did you? Okay. I said, oh, I've got to pay you. It was a bit clip joint. I had to go to the cash point. Did you?

OK. I said, should we go in your van? I took Jermaine for a ride in the Benz. He enjoyed it. Oh. Yeah. OK. We went in the van.

I don't know how Dainese is going to keep him down on the farm now that he's seen Paris. He said, oh, we'll go in the van. Ricky and Jermaine said, we go in the van Ricky and Jermaine said we get in the van there was a little three seater up the front my whole life I've wanted to sit in one of those like the A team and you sit in between the two men awesome

so I sat three a bed up the front there was a tabloid newspaper on the sill I think there was oh good so I loved it, it was like Beverly it was a bit take me home country road up the front. There's a tabloid newspaper on the sill. I think there was. Oh, good. So, I loved it. It was like Beverly. It was a bit Take Me Home Country Road,

Frank. Okay. I loved that. Like a peacock. Yeah, like a peacock. One of those when you don't have to let the dog in, it just jumps in the back and it's ours.

So, the three of us were there having a chat. I felt like one of the lads. I really enjoyed it. It was a lovely sandwich. And then Jermaine and I were talking about my friendship with Daisy and I mentioned a row we'd had once in the past. I know this is awkward, but we're honest on this show.

I'm fine with it. Daisy and I had a terrible row once. And he confided in me. He said he'd said to Daisy after that row, come on, don't mess with Emily, she's a big woman. Now, I was worried about this. I can't breathe. Did he then say, brackets, in your life, close brackets, I meant in your life? This is where

Ricky came in very useful. He jumped in very quickly. He said, oh, my lad's an impression of Ricky, he won't mind. No, what he means, what he means, Em, is, that means impressive. That's like, impressive. Yeah, isn't that good? So that's what he said. I don't believe it, though. I still think maybe I'm fat. I don't know. He said it means worthy of respect. I didn't like if we left a gap there, which we didn't.

You didn't say anything! Yeah, we should have piled it on. It means worthy of respect, apparently. If someone calls you a big woman... I don't know, I was called a big woman recently in a greengrocer's, and I felt contempt. And then I made them come to the cash point with me, because I think it's good to have a male escort when you go to the cash point, so no-one attacks you.

It would get expensive, that. What, a male escort? That's why I have to go to the cash point. I said I'm up for it, Gavin, but you'll have to come with me to the cash point. Gavin this time. So, do you know, the boiler, the job went so well, I've asked them to paint my house now. Fantastic. Hang on, hang on.

Isn't that a different, like learning a new code? Like going from league to union or something. I think Emily thinks work, men. They just do it. They paint, they put electrics in, drive you around. I asked Ricky and he didn't say no. I'm sure they can paint. If they can do your boiler, they can paint your house.

I could paint your house. Oh, could you? I could. He could. He prefers to fill his time. You so couldn't paint my house. Of course I could. I just don't, you know,

I don't want to be the man who starts the celebrity decorating. It went so badly for Hitler. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank for Hitler. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We need to go up the corner. Get a load of this. Me by gum, me by gum, me by gum mail corner.

Okay, we're in email corner. Relax. Like that. I have an email in my hand. Relax. Like that. Yeah. I have an email in my hand. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, long-time reader here. Although I listen to the podcast and never the live show, am I still classed as a reader?

Anyway, I was sitting playing Fallout 4. Yes, I think you are. Fallout 4? I was sitting playing Fallout 4. What is that? Oh, it's one of those games they play. Sounds like an aggressive video game. Okay. It's not one of those Assassin's Creed ones.

Oh, okay. You don't make a line with... What's that called? Tetris. No, there's one where you put plastic... Well, they look a bit like supermarket tokens in many ways. It's Ludo, darling. There's like a thing that stands up

and you have to make a line of four things. That's Tetris. Connect 4. Connect 4 sounds right. That's Tetris. Connect Four. Connect Four sounds right. No, it's not Connect Four. It's Fallout Four. Fallout Four is a computer game. Okay.

Yeah. Anyway, I was sitting playing Fallout Four last night while my wife Lucy browsed YouTube. It's not a scene of domestic bliss that he's painting here, is it? No. Couples that play together stay together. She put on some music and informed me that this was the song she always thinks of when we have a row. We've been together for about 25 years and have had many an argument, but never before had she told me that she had one song for those occasions, a theme, if you will. I was wondering, do you, Emily or Alan, have a row song?

I don't myself, but I'm going to try and get one. In case you were wondering, her song is Pop Will Eat Itself, There Is No Love Between Us Anymore. That's from Lee from Leicester. Oh. It's interesting, isn't it? Because a lot of people talk about our songs, which they associate with all the lovely parts of their relationship,

but you never hear the sort of flip side. No. For me, I think it's All About Us by Tattoo. Oh, yeah. Because Kath and I went to see Tattoo at GAY live. Strange date. Yeah. And we had the most terrible row. mean awful we know we split up and yeah

everything and um whenever i hear all about us now but do you know what i mean all about us yeah um i always think of that horrible that you know that sick empty feeling you get when you're mid terrible row oh it. Oh, it's terrible. So, yeah, I wouldn't have identified it as our sort of anti-hour song, but here we go. I had a retrospective song that made me sad. It wasn't mid-row, it was post-row, and I was driving to a friend's and I was upset

because I'd rowed with a boyfriend, and Ghostbusters came on the radio. And I found myself crying to Ghostbusters. Oh, really? Which wasn't the Who You Gonna Call? No, it was the bit where he said, I ain't afraid of no ghost. It wasn't about the song being sad,

but I associated it with that temporary period of sadness. So now I have quite a Pavlovian response to it. How bizarre that is. Alan Cochran? I can't really get in on this because I have quite a Pavlovian response to it. How bizarre that is. Alan Cochran? I can't really get in on this because I have... But you do know the price of cheese at Morrison's. I do, but I have a massive... My fundamental problem is that I'm very fatalistic.

So if my wife and I have a blazing row, I can't... I just really can't operate like that. I'll be Googling solicitors within about 25 minutes. Wow. So what we do is we tend to communicate with each other to stop that. You see, most of my rows happen before the internet was invented. Right.

It wasn't an option. Yeah, yeah. Me and Kath recently had a terrible row at Peppa Pig World. That is a good place for a row. And at Peppa Pig World, they actually play the themes from the show. There was a point where she was saying, you just can't resist those nasty little... And I could hear...

Horrible juxtaposition. We've got another email from Julie. Me Julie. She says Hello me Julie. I hadn't thought of that. Oh he's full of ideas isn't he? He's full of them.

And of course our producer used to run Julie's Cabs. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. Was it Julie's Cars or Cabs? These two are getting a lot of airtime, aren't they? Aren't they? They've written in more.

It's all getting a bit TFI Friday. I know. In a minute, I shall ask very loudly if people are having a good time. You're having a good time! It's a shame. You can't drive the car on top gear. What? Who? Well, he can't.

That's what they're saying today in the papers, because he can't do the links and drive at the same time. He's finding it too difficult, apparently. Oh. Oh, dear. That sounds a bit dangerous, doesn't it? Sounds easy, driving and talking. It makes you realise the other three had a strong skill set. Yeah.

OK. But that's the sort of three had a strong skill set. Yeah. OK. That's the sort of confidence that drink gives you, of course. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, I'm a regular podcast listener and today I was catching up on a recent show and you were playing a bit of I Spy. May I interrupt here? Sure.

I had a bit of an idiotic eureka moment when reading this email, because they've written, playing a bit of I, as in the letter I, spy. And in my head, all my life, I've thought I spy was E-Y-E, spy. Because it's I spy with my little I. So I've always taken the latter part of it and thought of it as I spy. Use your I. You thought it was I, E-Y-E spell. No, no.

I thought the name of the game was I spy. Yeah, that's what you said. I'm not sure this is. But I think. You understand, Frank. Yes, but you didn't think they were saying I spy with my little I using the word E-Y-E twice? No. I think at the beginning I thought it was eye.

But yeah, anyway. It may be that. I don't know. I'm basing Eye Spy totally on the Robert Culp TV series, which is Eye Spy, with an eye. Anyway. I don't think I've seen that. Anyway, I'd be interested.

Maybe people are 50-50 on eye. Don't text us, by the way, because we're not live. Definitely don't. I'd never had an opinion because we listen to Sweeney Todd and other musicals in the car. Anyway, later on in the show, Frank was expressing his love of dabbling with the English language. I couldn't help thinking he'd be all over our I spy variation.

You need to spy something with a celebrity surname, like Russell Crowe, Van Morrison. Oh, I see. Not going to let you have that. That's actually a Christian name. Yeah. Unless you've just gone past Morrisons. It's all gone to Julian Lloyd Webber,

the inclusion of Van Morrison. You're stuck into the Brazil nuts. If you've just gone past Morrisons, they're not festive. The Alan Brazil nuts. Alan Brazil nuts. Very good. Oh, lovely.

Jimmy Carr. I'm thinking that Frank could spy Sean Penn with his fancy fountain pen. The Peerless 125, is it? Yeah, the Peerless 125. I wondered who else the team could spy. In here now, Mike Tyson. Oh, because there's a Mike. There's a Mike. Jenson Button. Oh, because there's a Mike. There's a Mike.

Jenson Button. Oh, that's good, Frank. Darth Vader. Very good. He's got so many and I haven't got any. I've got the Earl of Sandwich. Oh, very good. Can you give me one because I can't think of one.

Because the sandwich was named after the Earl of Sandwich. I know, that's what I felt like. Has anyone got a surname stapler? John Stapleton. John Stapleton? Yeah. Can I have that, Frank? Yes, you can have John Stapleton.

Yes, it's a good game. We accidentally lapsed into a similar game before the show began. Did we? Yeah, don't you remember? Sushi Quattro. You said you were going to see... Sushi Quattro. I'm happy with Sushi Quattro.

Thank you. I'm actually drinking a bottle of Contra. I said I was going to see Paul somebody, and then we all had to say we were going to see Paul somebody. That's right. Everybody said a Paul, didn't they? No, it sounds easy, I know. Well, Daisy played for time, I noticed.

Yeah, well, yeah, I think the first two or three were rattled off and then when we'd gone to the off-mic people, they struggled with it, as you'd expect. Well, you say off-mic, not this week. No, exactly. And it reminds me of when you asked Alan and I to name a third Timothy. Couldn't do it.

I don't, I've forgotten that. We did, we did Dalton. We did, I can't even remember the second one now. Spall. And then you said, name another one, and we couldn't. West. Oh. Lovely.

That's why you're in that chair, isn't it? That's right. That's why you're in that chair.'t it That's why you're in that chair It's those kind of skills Lovely I've just got a little bit of a touch of the Timothys Where is that Beth Have you still got it

I'm thinking Have you taken away It's been'm thinking it's been taken... Have you taken away... I've put away. Good. It's been bleached. It's been put back. Bleach, you say? Bleached.

OK. That's going to be, what, like my almonds? Hopefully. So I think I might have discovered the secret of true happiness. Oh, that is so nice for you. I mean, for everyone. Oh. Lovely.

In me bedroom... Hang on. What? The secret of true happiness for everyone's in your bedroom. Well, it's a bit of a... They are in many houses. In the old suite... Yeah.

Okay. There's an extractor fan. Yes. Youhm...there's an extractor fan. Yes. You'd agree with me, the extractor fan is a commonplace. Yeah. Especially in toilets. Especially if you've got a copy of How To Poo At What Hurt. Exactly.

I wonder if the en suite is a commonplace. It doesn't have to be an en suite. Yeah. Have you gone en suite, did you say? Yeah. Well, then. I'm not trying to be so Coronationsuite. Well, yeah. Have you got an en-suite, did you say? Yeah. Well, then, stop trying to be so Coronation Street. I've got an en-suite.

So anyway, in the... Yeah, the en-suite. You know, Frank had an en-suite when he grew up. What's that? An en-suite toilet. I did, yeah. Well, when I grew up, all through my drinking days, I had an en-suite toilet.

So, yes, the en-suite has got this thing. And so when I put the light on in the toilet, the extractor fan comes on quite loud. Oh, yeah. In a little... Yeah. It's annoying. And when you put the light off,

it doesn't go off straight away. So I get back, say if I get up in the night, as one does more and more as one gets older, to get back in, there goes a horrible noise. You're lying there in the darkness. And then it stops.

And it's so good. So good. When it stops? No, I don't appreciate the silence in my bedroom unless I have that. How long does the extractor fan, would you say, two minutes? After I put the light, probably two minutes. No, but it feels like 20. I don't want to time it because it's the element of surprise.

When it stops, suddenly there's a level of silence you never find anywhere. It's the stone and shoe stuff, isn't it? Silence you never find anywhere. It's the stone and shoe stuff, isn't it? And I was thinking about the bloke who, how happy must be the man who presents Dragon's Den, who, in a building which has some of the biggest extractor fans I've ever seen in my life on the wall. Can you imagine the anxiety-bliss ratio

when the horror of them being on, with him standing there. You know the guy, what's he called, Evan? Evan. He looks like a medieval demon. Evan Davis. Yes. Oh, Evan Dando, actually, he presents it, doesn't he? He must think, oh, I can't cope.

And then... Oh. And those big... So a little insight into the joys of presenting Dragon's Den there for our regular readers. Well, we've come to the end of our recorded show. Thank you for not texting. And if you did text in, it's only money.

And other things Alan Cochran never said. Oh, steady on. Oh, no. Maybe our New Year's resolution is to stop suggesting that Alan Cochran is some sort of skin flint. No, not doing that. New Year's resolutions don't work, so let's not even attempt that. That's a bit cynical.

They don't. Well, OK. You've got generosity of heart. Thanks very much. Mine is to read the Roman Catholic Journal, the tablet, every week. That'll be all right, won't it? On your tablet? Can you get it delivered to your tablet?

You don't get many Roman Catholic Journal puns on commercial radio. I'd like to think, blab it with that. OK, cheese then. Oh. Now, thank you so much for listening. And if the good Lord spares us and the cricks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out.

The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. The good Lord spares us and the cricks don't rise. We'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.