The Frank Skinner Show - Slugs and Lies

Episode Date: March 12, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank celebrated his dog’s birthday and went to see the Revelation of the Daleks. The team also discuss the Tower of London slide, geocaching and the taste of expensive perfume.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Well done. Thank you so much. Really good tempo, I felt there. Yeah, and I think all the emphasis was in the right places. You know, sometimes you find yourself going a bit Jeff Goldblum

and emphasising things that other people don't emphasise. And so I don't really know where we... Then I don't wantise. So I don't... Really? No? Where are we? And then I don't want to be doing that. I don't want to steal JG's act. I like the idea of strangest emphasis, people. May I throw into the ring Christopher Walken? Oh, he's...

I think some actors, that's how they make themselves distinctive, is emphasising the different... It's that or a hat. Well, I may have mentioned this before, but it can lead to a faux pas. how they make themselves distinctive is emphasising the different, you know, different things. It's that or a hat. Yes. I may have mentioned this before, but it can lead to a faux pas. My friend Neil once ate a meal at my house that my wife had cooked. And when he finished it, he said,

I'll make something nice next time. But what he meant was, I'll make something nice next time. Did he though? He just got it. Did he? It's all right. Did he Al?

Yeah. No, he really did. He was very embarrassed at his lack of emphasis. He got it all wrong. Anyway, don't forget this morning's texting. At what stage in history

did sports people start getting disappointed? Because they used to be like, got it, or they used to say that was rubbish. But no, they used to say that was rubbish but no they don't say that was rubbish

they say you'll be disappointed with that or maybe you won't be disappointed with it maybe he's a person who's decided yeah it's great to be a professional sports person

but you know you can worry too much about mistakes in life maybe that's it so don't don't impose disappointment on people just say that was rubbish

anyway I'd be interested if anyone could come up with a date. And they like to say in the press conference, Frank, I was like, so we fight on. Did they say that? I've heard that one a lot. It's quite Lampardian, that one. I used to like Jürgen Klinsmann when he played for Spurs.

If anyone asked him a question to which he had a positive response, he'd say, oh, for sure. And I started saying it, but I realised I think it's a translation of natürlich, which is sort of naturally, as the Germans say. You know the Germans. Frank, can I kick off with a little bit of praise, which is for you, but it's not related to this show,

so I'm going to allow it. it okay this is from Neil Moore at my school they taught Neil Moore is one of the slogans of the Roman Catholic Church glad you chose that yes I'm clean that one up a bit yes can you hear me mother carry on my school, they taught hashtag poetry like maths. More interested in the meter than the emotion. Oh. If only they had taught it with the passion. Frank, listen to this.

Oh, here we go. And clarity of Frank on the radio in his brilliant podcast series, Frank Skidder's Poetry Podcast, great accompaniment to a walk wow that is uh what do you think i think that's amazing there's only one uh jingle that that can uh that can be used with okay Oh, OK. No, that's great. Thank you so much. I love it.

Wow. Oh, I went to see a revelation of the Daleks this week at the British Film Institute. It's a lovely event, you know. I'm not kidding. It's like a family party.

It's just Doctor Who people gathered together. When you say family... Like baby Daleks and stuff. You know, you get things like interviews with Roger Lim from the Radiophonic Workshop. OK. I'm sorry I missed it.

So I met, afterwards, I met Colin Baker, who was the sixth Doctor, and his companion Nicola Bryant. Can I ask a question? Does a friend go with you to this? No. Okay. It's the sort of event where it's okay to go on your own.

I would say it's mandatory. But I was excited to meet them. And Colin asked me why I wasn't getting him on Room 101 and I had to go through the idea of that it was decommissioned about five years ago. Did he say I've had this problem with Frank Muir and call my bluff? Well he had the problem with Doctor Who basically. That was given an 18-monther when he was doing it. So we shared the commission things. But I tell you, they made what I thought, and it was a great, it was a brilliant event.

And like I say, I know, I was excited to meet them. I got them to sign my action figures, but my action figures were still in the box, so they signed the cellophane. So you look through their autographs at their images. I mean, pretty special. Am I adopting a strange facial expression? You're looking unsettled.

I can't really give you direct eye contact. No, I understand that. I hope you understand. Anyway, I thought they made a mistake, the organisers. The makers. Yeah, and I don't... The originators. I never make a mistake,

but there was a thing which really caused a bit of a... Anyway, the thing that I thought was a bit like being at a family gathering and evil Uncle Charlie who got arrested in 2012 turning up was they had an interview... What's my uncle doing there?

They had an interview with Michael Grade. Now, Michael Grade was the controller of BBC One who dropped Doctor Who. Yeah, I'm a big fan of his, actually. So it began with them saying, you know, there's a lot of water gone under the bridge and all that, and then clips of him talking in a very... There was no sort of... Yeah, looking back, I made a mistake.

There was none of that. Very nonchalant. Not the occulper. No. No, she wasn't there. And they... I bet the Whovians were... Was there a little bit of

foie de l'air descendable well I thought well that's a bit uncomfortable with it and then and then I spoke to Colin Baker after I said what did you think of the Michael Gray

he said oh it's absolutely outrageous which was great and that's how I felt so yeah I thought that was a bit of a slightly strange thing to do. I suppose it's not like at football, where if somebody signs for the enemy, the crowd can boo them on their return.

It wouldn't have been right to boo Michael Grade, would it? I think it would have been all right. I'll tell you something about Michael Grade. I mean, I've met him a few times. He's a perfectly nice bloke as long as you don't bring up the subject of Doctor Who he's a very interesting he's got great showbiz stories and stuff

but he's one of those blokes who this would be a good texting I think public figures who have adopted a certain clothing that they wear all the time red braces red braces and red socks is Michael Grade. And who's the guy who wears a white suit? He's a politician who always wore a

white suit. Yes, I know exactly who you mean. Do you remember him? His name is Nicholas or Tom. Is he? He's one of the two. Not the guy that was a newsreader who became a politician. He became a politician and he wore a suit. We didn't know it was a suit. We thought it was a jacket when he was a newsreader.

Turned out he got up. It was a suit. I think he wore a suit. We didn't know it was a suit. We thought it was a jacket when he was a newsreader. Turned out he got up. It was a suit. I think he's a Tim. I bet our readers will help us out. I feel he's a Tim. They normally are. John, Tim or Nicholas. I thought he might be a Martin.

Oh! Oh, yeah, he could be a Martin. That's the most excited I've been in a decade. It's like when Frank remembered stylus. Oh, that was a special day indeed. But just people who are bought into by wearing the same thing. I don't mean on stage and stuff. I mean in life.

I've got an answer for us. The white suited, our man in Havana, man, was Ruth Jordan. Ruth Jordan? No. She's fast becoming one of our regulars. Oh, yes. One of my favourites. The morning sun shone down upon the email of Ruth Jordan. Ruth Jordan has the answer.

Martin Bell. Martin Bell. That rings up. Anyway, yes. Very good. Martin Bell. So anyone you can think of in... I listened to Radio 1 on the way in this morning

and the DJ said, and today's texting, what's in your handbag today? And I thought, you know, I'm overthinking. I'm overthinking the textings. What's in your hand, Mark? Yeah.

But I had to get out of the car before the response. It started flooding in. I don't want to be good at it. What do you carry with you at all times that's an unusual thing to carry? Oh. Look, I went out with a woman. I've got some. Dog toothbrush. Really? All the time? Well, I just forget to take. Oh. Look, I went out with a woman. I've got some. Dog toothbrush.

Really? All the time? Well, I just forget to take it out. And if you're going to need to back, I went out with a woman who had a genuine

security, Linus from Charlie Brown security blanket, which she took everywhere. Oh. Huh? You'll be disappointed with that on absolute radio so um oh you know every now and again i come to this program with questions

for the for the uh readers for for alan and sometimes for Emily. Now, this week, my question is for Emily. Lovely. It was my dog's birthday this week. Now, one could argue, of course, that a dog has no idea of chronology, so it's a waste of time, but we were quite keen to get. Yeah. Do you know what? Have you ever tried to get a dog to blow out a candle?

No. It's almost... They don't really blow dogs, do they? No. What do they do when they get hot food? But why don't dogs have the blowing capacity? You've never seen a dog go... I could imagine some

dogs could sort of drip a candle out with saliva. You know those sort of runny mouth dogs. I wouldn't have one of those. I wouldn't put my ray here. They look like a candle, their mouths. Buzz suggested like maybe tickling his nostrils

with a feather, get a sneeze out of it. But we thought that was unkind. Did you get a cake then? a feather, get a sneeze out of it, but we thought that was unkind. Oh. Anyway, in the end... Did you get a cape then? We didn't get a cape. I love a dog cape. We got a cuddly toy for the dog. Oh, what sort of cuddly toy?

Well, let's put it this way. It hasn't had much cuddling. Right. It's taken more the role of those dummies that they use for bayonetting practice in Dad's Army. You know when you see Dad's Army preparing for... Yeah, the dog is horrible, like really. Do you know they do that shaking thing like they do with their prey?

My dog does the shaking thing with his. He has a Frankenstein monster doll. Does he really? Jonathan Ross gave it to him, yeah. Couldn't it accidentally break a tooth on a bolt? No, it's a plush toy. Oh, it's plush. A Frankenstein monster.

I imagine bits could fly off that during shaking. I mean, they're only dangling by 19th century cotton. I have a video of it which I might put up. Yeah, I think that would be good. A dog shaking his head at Frankenstein. Yeah, I'd like to of it, which I might put up. Yeah, I think that would be good. My dog shaking his head at Frankenstein. Yeah, I think that, I'd like to see that, certainly. Yeah, so it's good. I like to use you guys as a resource.

The other thing I wanted to ask, I remember Emily and decided against it, was really posh, expensive perfume. Does it taste nice? Because I remember from my early days of dating that if you happened to lick the neck of someone wearing cheap perfume, it was as bitter as... It was so bitter, I can't tell you.

I'm guessing that if you go for an expensive perfume, it tastes like bergamot. Mmm, lovely. Well, you are absolutely correct. Am I? Well, you're correct that Bergamo is used in a lot of high-end fragrances. And if a fragrance is used with formaldehyde...

Right. Am I getting a bit technical here? No, no. Isn't that what Damien Hirst puts animals in? Yes. Well, it's not... I think it's aldehyde, it's called. I think it's a different form of it.

OK. But if, for example... It sure is like rawhide, the 1960s western TV series. It's aldehyde. Let's call it that. So, if you... A Chanel perfume contains a lot of aldehydes, which are chemical...

I mean, it's getting a bit technical now. I think Chanel... I don't want to advise anyone to do this, but I suspect Chanel would taste nicer. Oh, OK. Then maybe, do you want to name an example? Well, I mean, Charlie. High karate. Yeah, exactly.

No, not high karate, I don't think. But that was, I don't know if people even lick necks anymore. It's probably an old-fashioned ritual. You're an old-fashioned guy. Yeah, I mean, I haven't licked a was I don't know if people even lick necks anymore it's probably an old fashioned ritual you're an old fashioned guy yeah I mean I haven't licked a neck oh god I haven't licked a neck

since I ate a raw chicken for a bit but no it really tasted oh I can't tell you

how bad it tasted perfume yockety yock oh dear Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio I can't tell you how bad it tasted, perfume. Yockety-yock. Oh, dear. We've just heard from King of the Giants. You've been asking... Have we?

Yeah. Who is the King of the Giants? It was me. It's a tough question. King of the Giants says, it's a really unusual item. You know, you were asking isn't that a thing

that you carry like I always have a Vic inhaler with me at all times do you yeah you know the ones just actually stick up

your nose I know I'm just finding that very alluring I used to do one I had one the label had come off so it was completely white

and I used to do oh God it's even more alluring I used to do a prop joke when I stuck it in one nostril and then i i said this is my elephant impression so i'd stick it in one nostril and say oh god here come those ivory hunters again and i had to stop doing it because i think it was it fell into political disuse but anyway what does what does the king of the giants carry can i Can I just say that it's so you, because when you were on my podcast, we were

walking along, and you suddenly produced a pipe from your pocket. It doesn't really work on an audio. No, but you did it. I did it for you. I really wanted to make this joke, and I remember as I left that day, I thought, it's so amazing that he thought, I'll put that pipe in my pocket

and then I can use it for a joke. I love it. Buzz does it now. He carries props for gags. Very nice. Anyway. King of the Giants. Re-unusual item.

A Mont Blanc pen. Mont Blanc. Most people have access to a pen, but a Mont Blanc is unusual. I'm sure Miss M agrees. Frank Skinner, any thoughts on that? Well, when you did the Parkinson's show, you get a Mont Blanc pen with Parkinson embellished. Well, he's stuck with the pen theme, hasn't he?

I know he loves a pen. If he's not giving them to the elderly, he's giving, well actually, still another example of him giving them to the elderly, the fact that I got one. But yeah, it was, I don't know where it is, me Mont Blanc Parkinson, I must check it out.

I love anything free. I love so much. I can't tell you. The thrill of it. You know, it's better than getting money for stuff, is to get that kind of gift. I'd have really settled into the barter system. Yeah.

Is it the barter system when you exchange goods? I think it is, isn't it? Yeah, it's sort of a swap shop. Yes, exactly. It's like a multicoloured swap shop, but, you know, in order to live. What's happened to Noel Edmonds? Have you heard from him recently? No, I haven't seen him since I saw him carrying a holdall

across the car park in the flats I lived in at about six in the morning. Did you? Yeah, I think he was staying on a mate's sofa because he'd had some sort of, he'd had a falling out with someone. It was a long time ago. Absolute radio. I think, yeah.

That's good gossip, if nothing else. He was just shouting at the moon, I'll have a new car and I wouldn't mind a Mars bar if you could get one to me quickly. We've had an email. Sorry. Oh, no.

I'll continue, though. I think you'll be interested. It's an email entitled Dog Blowing Candles. It's something that you've near enough asked for i hope this is in your own way i hope this is clean uh dear frank i taught my dog billy to bark on command uh and they put in brackets speak with an exclamation mark so obviously they're um that's the command i hope hope Billy isn't listening now and barking as I did that. And managed to get him to bark out a candle on his birthday a few years ago.

So it can be done. I hadn't thought of barking, as they say, because I can make our dog bark fairly easily, I think. Well, there you go, next year's birthday. Oh, God, I remember that. That's your mission, is it? I remember. At my age, you can't be planning a

year ahead yeah you could start the practice now yeah maybe i'll maybe we can start working at it some people have very big celebrations some people throw parties for the dog for the dog too much money it's difficult with the dog parties because how do you know whether the dog really likes those people? I mean, they don't have any say, these people coming in. Food, you're safe with food. I got the dog a new collar because there isn't much you can get a dog in the way of outfits. Don't contradict me on this, Em. But obviously the dog, what's the dog think?

Nothing. They don't think. They don't think. I know, but all the same, what's the dog think? Nothing. They don't think. They don't think. I know, but all the same, a new collar. I mean, come on, mate. It's very practical, that. I tell you what I've been doing with the dog is that I stop, there's a drinking fountain near me.

I love a drinking fountain. Whenever I use a drinking fountain, I feel like I'm at the Great Exhibition in 1851 feels like a contraption yeah and when I drink from the drinking fountain the dog drinks from the sort of drainage area underneath it's a lovely communal thing and it reminds me of um my mom told me many years ago not to drink directly from the tap in the kitchen to to fill a cup and drink water out of it needs to be told i don't want to go get too dark on this but when you drink when you're a heavy drinker often in the morning your hands are shaking so much

you wouldn't risk a crystal glass. So you drink straight out the tap. My mum used to say that sometimes slugs come out of the cold water tap. And if you're drinking, you'd see that in the cup, but if you're drinking direct, you'd just consume it. That's not true, is it? I believed it for years, and I was casually talking to someone,

like an intelligent person, probably a couple of years back. And I said, well, there's that thing, isn't there, with, because they run about these boiling taps and that. And I said, is that thing when sometimes slugs come direct? He said, what are you talking about? And I realised I'd never, I'd just accepted that my mom was speaking factually that sometimes slugs come out the cold tap where's the worst place you found a slot slug mine is under a

Dalmatians area you sure a spot and't dropped off i slept next to a railway line once whilst drunk and went to the pub the next day and i had a waistcoat on and you know those front pockets where you put your thumb i reached in there and there was a slug this story's grim yeah anyway what what have you believed what have you believed for a long period of time and then discovered is... I don't want any people who... I don't want any atheists on. Just anything you've believed

that you always thought was correct. Tossed it. Have we got time for one more very quick? No, I haven't. I'll give you... There's a musical one, which I'll tell you after this, which I only discovered recently. Oh, I wish we could hear it now. It's a musical one, which I'll tell you after this, which I only discovered recently. Oh, I wish we could hear it now.

It's Moppet based. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Anyway, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Sorry, I felt I mumbled that. It's Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215,

follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk Well done. Thanks. I enjoyed it. You've got several radio texting plates spinning,

if I may put it like that. Oh, I think I left a slight cliffhanger as well, something that I believed. Oh, you did? Something I believed for years and only recently discovered wasn't true. Robin, the nephew of Kermit the Frog, you know Robin, had a hit single.

Yes. And I never thought he quite worked if you're going to be brutally honest. But anyway. And only recently my son

this is how I discovered it my son said oh I I did a painting of Robin and I said why didn't you do Kermit?

You know just go to the source he said oh that i hadn't the green i had was a bit too dark for kermit and i said what are you talking about they're exactly the same they've probably cut from the same felt and then when i looked it up robin is distinctly darker he's sort of olive green compared to kermit. Who knew? So anyway, I was utterly, utterly convinced that the song is called Halfway Up the Stairs.

Halfway up the stairs is the stair where I sit. Right? It's actually called Halfway Down the Stairs. And it's only in the second verse that he says Halfway Up the Stairs. It's a development on down the stairs. Oh. And it's only in the second verse that he says, half way up the stairs.

It's a development on down the up. Yes, yeah. It's really subtle. I like the way they've done that. But I was certain it was called half way up the stairs. Yeah. Can I just ask you something? Robin is the nephew.

So we don't, do we any, I mean, it's a bit Davros-like with Kermit. We don't see the interior life of the man. Well, I think the idea is he left, didn't he, to pursue show business. So it's amazing that Robin's turned up, really. But I'm imagining there's a whole family. Well, it's not amazing.

If someone does well in the family, I think you'll find the relatives will come running. Yeah, well, look, I mean, Sid in Ice Age, I think it was Ice Age 3 or something before we met his relatives, and they were cynical opportunists. I felt for him. I'm not saying it's a searing indictment on my own career, but my family are fleeing rather than coming out of the woodwork towards me.

Talk to me about it. Oh, come on. So what have we heard? Do you want the outside world jingle? If you like. Outside world, outside world. The outside world. Oh, I can smell the rum.

Well, one of the least palatable text-ins that we've got going is, where's the strangest place you've ever found a slug? Yeah. Can I say it? Radio 1 text-in this morning, what's in your handbag? Maybe we could combine these two. Maybe a crossover, yeah. 392 has texted, hi team, I once found a slug fast asleep in my ear the next morning

whilst on exercises with the army. I thought one ear felt warm. That's from joking. That was lagging. Oh, my word. Oh, man. Like I say, it's a weird texting, and quite a lot of it is stuff like that.

I'm glad it ended with whilst on exercises. Yeah, I mean, it's a similar story to me sleeping next to the railway. I wonder if slugs then seek warmth in the night. I suppose we all do. Yeah, but they don't like the salt. That's all I know about them. That's my slug knowledge out there. So, Outside Worldie?

Yes. We've had some more tweets, haven't we? I do apologise. Texts. We have... I'm just going to step away from slug texts and 704

has texted with what I think is a good joke Surely you take a companion to a Doctor Who film screening Very good, but there's already one there, so That's from Rabbits It should have called it a slugfest which is what they call a baseball game That's from rabbits, they say. They should have called it a slogfest,

which is what they call a baseball game when there's lots of home runs. I was thinking pugilism, like slogfest, when people are belting each other. I think it refers to baseball if there's a lot of big hitting. But, you know, I've been wrong before. Twice, I think.

Actually twice. Ultra Magnus wants to know, was Frank able to buy the dog collar with his S&M community loyalty card? Yeah. I should have given him one of my old ones. Yeah. Yeah, they stink.

Collette. Sorry, Al. Again, avoiding the slugs, we've had 222 text. Morning, Frank. I'm sure you are not responsible for admin, but I'm listening through the Absolute Radio app and at 8 and 9am the lady has helpfully given me tomorrow's weather. Do you think your people could have a word and see if she might tell us what the weather is like today

as I'm going out with the dog later? Praise redacted, of course. The whole notion of forecast is to look into the future, isn't it? It's gone too far, though, hasn't it? It's gone too far. I've been thinking... You've got this afternoon and you're getting tomorrow. I've been thinking about this because my son is playing

George Merriweather in a school play about the Victorians. George Merriweather being the inventor of the Tempest Prognosticator, one of the first weather predictors, which didn't have slogs but did have leeches. And the idea was if there was damp in the air, they're in these jars, the slogs think, oh, it's raining, we'd better get out of these jars or we're going to drown.

So they climb to the top and a bell rings and so that tells you when it's going to rain. Very clever. That's clever, isn't it? Can I tell you a sweet story about George Merriweather? How do you do? He assembled these jars, see-through jars,

in a circle so the slugs could see each other, because he said he didn't want them to experience solitary confinement. I think that's very decent of him. You don't. Not slugs, leeches, by the way. Sorry, we're getting slugs and leeches mixed up. You never hear of a leeches fest.

Yeah, how do you like it? What else? We've had some other, well, we've had a few other people getting in touch telling us what they're carrying with them. Okay. David Martin, he says an ice cream scoop what he always carries an ice ice cream i think i don't know if he's saying he always carries or is it in his bag at the moment okay i'm not quite sure um is he i think i might have to see some proof is he a shoplifter

in uh ice cream parlors just lean over just lean over the first base and take one out i always wanted one of those when i was a child did you do ice cream scoops have the of the guillotine blade like um mashed potato scoops at school you used to press the thing and it would come round and do you know that that's a lovely action, that. Oh, it's a great invention. That should have been at the great exhibition. Delicious food stuff as well. What, mashed potato? Mashed potato, ice cream, I'm happy with all that.

I'd eat both together. I'm really glad we know that. Pardon? I'm really glad we know that now. Good. I'm here to share knowledge. That's one of my jobs on this show. What's in your handbag?

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I share with you this from Paul? Just Paul. I don't know if he's connected with the bakers. Okay.

But you were asking people what they had in their handbag at this point. You know, it doesn't have to be an actual Queen's handbag. What they carry with them. The Radio 1 texting this morning was, what's in your handbag? Mine was, is there a thing which you carry with you all the time, which we might be surprised by? I don't mean, like, you know, my keys. I mean something you think, ooh, why would you carry that all the time?

Yeah. Well, I like Paul. I think Paul sounds like he could be part of the gang. OK. I've carried this cutting from our local newspaper. That is the sort of thing I'm after. In every wallet I've had for the past 25 years. Wow.

If it's wallet transfer status, I mean, that's what we're after. Here it is. It's a small ad. In the days when one would find these things more commonly, this sort of buy and sell thing, camping equipment, it says, is a little subheading. Camping gas stove, gas, G-A-Z. Right.

Twin burners plus gas bottle. Previous owner, Vic Wilson, manager of world-famous heavy metal rock group Rush. £12. Oh, it's got everything. It's got celebrity. It's got the idea that you might pay a bit extra because it was owned by Vic Wilson. I'm very...

What, manager of world-famous heavy metal rock group Rush? They were big Rush. That's one aspect of it. I'm not questioning. Paul, you're in. What, manager of world-famous heavy metal rock group Rush? They were big Rush. That's one aspect of it, I'm not questioning. Paul, you're in. It's great. I wonder how many times... Remember I used to say to you, if ever conversation flagged, I used to start talking about the Bermuda Triangle.

I reckon Paul has got this. The way people do with their phones now, whenever Paul's hit a bit of dead air, he said, I'll show you something. I reckon Paul has got this out. The way people do with their phones now. Yeah. Whenever Paul's hit a bit of dead air, he said, I'll show you something. And he's got out the old Vic Wilson. What I like is the idea of Vic Wilson guys sitting there. Do you think maybe he chatted to his wife or a colleague

and said, what do you think? I mean, is it over-egging the pudding? Yeah, shall I mention me or should I actually just put it out there and say, no, you get another two quid. Put your name on it. It's the difference between a tenner and twelvey. Pardon? I said it's a difference.

His hearing's gone, Avic, because of all that work with Rush. And then I reckon maybe a friend might have pointed out, the problem is world famous. Well, Ross, you're world famous. Yeah, but if you have to point that out, there is a problem with that. You could just say Ross, yeah. It's like whenever I see, I read a thing recently about Jack Thorne, my brother-in-law, and it said in that his family includes

his girlfriend's sister and her partner the comedian Frank Skinner and I thought here we are people are I have to come now

with a footnote to explain who the hell I am sigh Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio This is still Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

This is still Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. We had from Paul there a thing about he used to carry a newspaper clipping in his wallet. For years I carried a business card I'd been given and sadly I can't remember the name of the lady who gave it me but it was someone like Sheila Hadfield and it said Sheila Hadfield Miss UK 1958 and then it said friend of the craze I thought wow what a business card that is I love it well similarly I had Nigel Farage's business card for many years oh did you what's his bill matter what does, I had Nigel Farage's business card for many years. Oh, did you?

What's his bill matter? What does he say on Nigel Farage? I can't remember. I'll have to get it out. It's in here. Not everyone has one. I think it was just, it was definitely raised. Oh, was it?

Was it? Yeah. He went for the raised and embossed. Wow. So it would be possible. I think it's quite simple. It said something like, I don't remember what it said, but it had the raised and embossed. Wow. So it would be possible. I think it's quite simple. It said something like, I don't remember what it said, but it had the mobile on it.

I might ask him if he'll send me one so I can do a brass robbing of it. Oh, yeah. If he's gone embossed. Does Bruce Springsteen get things embossed by having his name on them? Oh, love it, love it. Oh, boys, I need to talk to you about the Tower of London.

OK? OK. I get alerts through. Yeah, are they reviews? I get all the medieval fortress updates on my phone. Have you heard about the moat they're planning in the Tower of London? They're doing this as part of the Jubilee celebrations. Yes.

Platinum, is it, dear? It's platinum, yeah. Lovely. It's gone platinum. The Queen's gone platinum. The Queen's finally gone platinum. God bless her. God bless her. A bit like world famous heavy metal

rock group Rush. No doubt they were platinum. There's a gold you know death television which is basically adverts on daytime which is all about death, paying for your funeral and all that. But they also advertise ceremonial gold coins

and they had one for the queen's platinum and the slogan on it is something like unbreakable dutifulness or something like that it's a really like grand oh yeah i'm gonna get it on a t-shirt i like that i've got most stuff on a t-shirt over the years oh fine yeah so the idea with this is that they because they did a brilliant thing for Poppy Day do you remember that? all those ceramic poppies

I went to see that it looked, I mean gobsmacking but this time they're going to do have a big slide which I doubt the Queen will be using oh I hope so last of the summer i remember they had a slide at tate modern a big slide like a big tube that you went down so i went on it and you got like elbow pads and a protective cap and i just i went down it and I started rattling. Oh, it was terrifying.

My hat came off. When I got to the bottom, I landed in a lump. And I could see through the see-through tube my hat was still, someone would come down and then land on my hat as a sort of break. It's a really undignified, terrible. What high-shoulders have you lost on? I'd like to throw my hat in the ring. Well, it wasn't my hat. It was a

protective hat. That was my protective hat. Yeah, it had one job. Yeah, exactly, and it didn't stay on. When Boz was a baby, I'd say about six months, we put him on a slide for the first time. I was at the top and Kath was at the bottom and let him go, and all the first time. I was at the top and Kath was at the bottom. And I let him go.

And all the way down, his head went... Just banging. And he was crying. And you're on a slide. You have to wait till the bottom. It was terrifying. I don't know what long-term damage we did. But, oh, bad parents. Bad parents.

I can still hear it. Oh, Frank, please don't say that. Oh man. Anyway, slides through the ages. The Tower of London slide. Yes. It's the moat. So the moat's going to be filled with flowers

apparently, isn't it? Yeah, it's like an extreme sport for people with high fever. You go down the slide into a mass of flowers. 20 million quids worth, can I say. 20 million pounds worth of flowers. That's not possible. There isn't 20 million quids worth of flowers in the world. Oh, excuse me, have you been to Elton John's house?

I have. Well, can I just say, best response ever. As a spectator, I really enjoyed that interaction, guys. Oh, I had fun. I was very proud of him. It would have been great if they had that slide in the days of the executions at the Tower of London. The idea that you could just come straight in onto the block,

out the slide. Oh, wow. So the block's right there with the axe to try and get you in mid-air. Sorry, sorry, everyone. Maybe I've got a gloomy outlook on the game. No, no. Wow, wow. I take that back.

I'm not sure this is the time in life to repurpose a mutt I think keep it as a mutt get some war in there and have the potential security get the queen back at the Tower of London I like the days when it was a putrid

open sewer and I do remember them good times still some brilliant stuff at the Tower, though. What, beefies? Yeah, the St Thomas More cell where he was kept. Oh, here we go. Yeah.

When you say brilliant. Oh, I thought it was brilliant. I didn't imagine a review with five stars. Brilliant stuff. Who's the bloke who was in prison there and he had been... The bloke who was in prison there and he had been The bloke? Yeah, I think he'd been

a champion of Mary Queen of Scots and he got in prison there and he wrote on the wall about not trusting anyone because he'd been and it's like graffiti that goes on and on and it's carved into the wall. You can tell he was in there for a while but still there.

Brilliant. I like him. He sounds like an OG bit of a git. Well, I think he's a bloke who thought, you know, I'm going to be remembered with this. And he has been. Tremendous. I do find my problem with this slide is I worry about potential problems

from poor behavioural choices of people descending on the slide. I see stag parties and hens. Naked people. Very tempting. I just see some bad behaviour. Could you do a slide

naked? Would you just keep gripping? You see, I've never liked... I've never liked... I loathe slides. Oh, OK. We're talking about the tubular style now, aren't we? Yeah, those...

Oh, I'm talking... Well, any sort of slide. Tubular slides. I'm talking about the old shop. Remember in the old shops where they used to put a message in a little container and then send it down a big long slide? That's a chute.

It's like that. That's a chute. I think this is a chute. That is a chute. I think this is a chute. That is a chute. Well, I don't think... No, I think this is a slide. Has it not got a top on it? I don't think it's got a top on it.

Oh, I thought it was tubular. I don't think it's a chute, Frank. That's for rubbish. I think it's more platformy. Is there an element of flume? Is there any flume aspects to it? I don't think we've got any flume. Oh, man, I can't get my head around it.

It's become like Guess Who, but for slides. I thought it was like when you see builders working in an upper floor on the house and they have those things that go straight into the skip. You know, those big tubes. Oh, yeah. No, I'm on about there's like a big tube there that they put stuff down.

All right. Don't scaffold it. Come on, respond. If people start putting up scaffolding... Sorry for having'm on about there's like a big tube there that they put stuff down. Not scaffolding. Come on, respond. If people start putting up scaffolding at the tower, the Queen will get a bit nervous. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via frankatabsoluteradio.co.uk. Think about this slide in the Tower of London.

Oh, yeah. I mean, do the beefeaters, who I adore, by the way, do they get any say in this? This is their home and they're going to have slide falls ruin it into acting. I think it would be quite watchable

to see them arrive to work by slides. Their hats have a strap, I believe, so, you know, they're prepared for it thank you Frank sounds up your straws what if they snagged a garter that'd be terrible I had a bad situation

with a bee feeder do you remember that when I went to St Thomas More's cell he said does anyone have any questions and I said yeah when they took he told us that they took away Thomas More's writing and reading materials. Right.

I said, how long was he left without any writing or reading materials? He said, oh, I don't know. And then he just put the light off in the place and we all had to file out. I mean, it was really rude. Nasty, Biffy. They can be a bit tricky, but they don't... I don't understand. What is their exact relationship to the Raven?

Are they the sort of... Is it a sort of Bill Sykes and Bullseye relationship? Well, the idea is if the Ravens leave the Tower, then I think England will fall is the thing. But I think England will fall, is the thing. But I think the beefy just could go.

May I remind you is why it might need a moat. If England's going to fall, I want a line of defence. It's not going to stop a raven leafing, is it? No, but a raven, they have sacked ravens in the past. Have they? Yeah, they can be sacked for its conduct unbecoming. Oh, OK. Of a raven.

Wow. Yeah. If they start acting like a crow, they're never out of there to find life. What is unbecoming conduct for a raven? Yeah. If it got COVID-19. I mean, come on.

Come on, everyone. Applaud at home those of you who get it yes you Steve those of you who get it there won't be that many or the elite few I'm not sure it's that hard to get your Covid-19

so these flowers they're from Sheffield University are they? and there's 29 different species and it says they've they've planned it so that all these they all bloom there'll always be some blooming that's how they've planned them out they've said it took a lot of precision planning today and i thought isn't it just like making sure that the spuds and the chicken are cooked at the same time it's not that difficult

is it? it's not but on a large scale and there's no one in London that can do it they've had to go to Sheffield

Sheffield Dave they want us to do some flowers oh I don't know when they bloom anyone now leaving someone

up north all now. By the way, bed sensibly. That's Frank's very nuanced stomach. Yeah, exactly. Attempt at cockney there. Cockney horticulturalists there. On absolute right, yeah. Pearly king and queen.

Oh, I love a pearly king and queen. Well, you say that, but when was the last time you saw one IRL? They don't really... I think they're still out there. Are they? Yeah. I haven't seen one for a long time. It was a pond, wasn't it?

Because weren't they from Pearly? I think they're from Pearly, the area, but they wear pearl buttons. So the Pearly Kings is a kind of a... you know, no one loves a pond more than. But what's the vowels are all messed up. What, Pearlie? Yeah, why have they changed? Are you sure that's right? I'm not certain.

I mean, I like it. I'm happy to believe it. I mean, when's the last time I did Wikipedia, Pearlie Kings and Queens? It's going back a bit. There is an area of London called Pearly. You'll back me up on that. Oh, that's true. Where's that?

Very south. Yeah. Well, they're always from the south, these Cockney subcultures. You don't get them up north, let's face it. Not north of the river. Anyone knows what the pearly kings are called pearly kings and queens are called the pearly kings and queens and why do they have pearls sewn on their clothes well i think they're from pearly originally and it's a pun on that oh really

but i could say it's believable that to me yeah i like it as a even as a lie i like it yeah don't get me wrong you know there are some lies that are just rubbish, but I think even if that's a lie, I'm quite pleased with it. Its feasibility is exciting to me. Do you know when friends show you things on their phone and they say, oh, look at this? You know then that you're letting them down on the conversation front. Well, it's normally dogs or, oh, this was funny. Oh, look at this meme.

Do you want to know what Frank Skinner just showed me on his phone? It was the Tempest Prognosticator, which is a Victorian machine for predicting the weather. I mentioned it earlier. It's leech-fuelled. Yeah, I love it. I love that you showed me that. It's a beautiful thing.

You know, there are certain things that you see in the Science Museum that you feel should be in the art gallery. At Birmingham Science Museum, there was a bottling machine that put the tops on bottles. And I always thought that was a work of art. Anyway.

We have some news, don't we, Al, regarding... I heart news. The pearly kings and queens. Oh, the pearly kings and queens, yes. Al, do you want to do the honours? Yes, I'm happy to. 905 has texted, the pearly kings and queens weren't from pearly.

Oh, ouch. Ouch. It started with a man called Henry Croft who used to sew pearl buttons to his clothes and collect money for charity. And he was then known as the Pearlie King. Okay. That's from Kit.

Slightly disappointed. Yeah. It's not as good as my lie. Well, slightly disappointed disappointed the thing frank just completely made up yeah yeah to have no truth well i've got the pearl buttons right but yeah speaking of um things that are made up you asked earlier uh what you were told that you believed do you remember that you you um yes it was um of the text slugs coming down the car water tap was the basis for it another eg might be that years ago we were walking along the street and my wife and i passed a heavily tattooed man who

had just a singlet on and it was quite a cold day and i said he hasn't got much on and she said tattoos keep you warm and she was joking but i believed it for ages not realizing that she was joking because it sort of makes sense doesn't it loads of tattooed people don't wear a shirt so i suppose it is a very thin cover to your skin 156 has texted uh frank re what you were told you believed my dad from the black country used to wear a trilby hat he told me it was previously uncle al's otherwise known as al capone the Famous for his black country roots. Well, that's what Matt continues. I was 15 before I realised Uncle Al probably wasn't really a relative of my dad's.

Don't you start with me Elliotness before I get my tummy going out you bring a gun for come round here if you've got a mind to yes Al Capone there, authentic Al Capone he blinded us 434

yeah hi when my border collie we're talking about dog birthday parties, when my Border Collie Flynn was 13. Is Border Collie one that's not quite a Collie? Is that the idea? No, Border Collie is... It's like borderline.

I may be incorrect, but I see them as the sort of sheepdog, the black and white. Oh, those ones, like Black Bob from the Dandy. Is it Kumbai? I think they're Kumbai. Oh, yeah. I may be wrong. Come here. When my Border Collie, Flynn, very intelligent, the Border Collie,

was 13, we had a... Sorry. We had a... We had a teenage barbecue for him. Oh, a teenage... Oh. We had a gazebo up

and teenager banners. We invited other dogs. Wow. And they played pass the parcel. I'm afraid there was a fight. Dogs have never passed anything in their life apart from foul odours. Well, as Julie has explained, I'm afraid there was a fight whilst playing the games.

But I feel a good time was had by all. Teenage dog party. God, it's a sort of a... They could play teenage dirtbag. Lovely. For a sheepdog, it's a sort of a bar mitzvah. It's quite hard work. I don't know if it's worth the effort in the end.

But, you know, I'll keep throwing them out there. That's how I operate. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. We have a few. It might put off people who are a bit travel sick, hadn't it? Oh, God, I can't find a good point.

Sorry, outside world, outside world. Yeah, we have a few things because we've got a few things running. Yeah. Okay. As my niece said to me when she was about seven look I've got a lot on yeah well

sometimes I set up a text and no one no one replies at all to it they are very niche

though sometimes yeah but I'm fine I'm fine with it but it's lovely when they do because it makes me feel sometimes they have a more wide appeal

if I can be blunt with you yeah well interesting places you've found a slog. That's every land. I think that's very wide appeal, as is things that you were told that you then believed that turned out not to be true. I have a good example of that. Someone listening from Germany,

Jackie in sunny but freezing Hamburg, has said, when I was little, my parents always got annoyed Jackie in Sunny But Freezing Hamburg has said, when I was little, my parents always got annoyed with my brother and me trying to kill each other in the car. My mum told me at a motorway service station that the baby's changing room was where parents could change their child for a better behaviour. That's a good...

That's clever. I believed it for years and she adds three exclamation marks to that so I believe it. Well another piece of my mum's thing was that if you swallow chewing gum it bongs your insides up

and I still would never swallow chewing gum even though I know that isn't true I'd still always spit chewing gum out that's probably for the best anyway why yeah oh i don't know if it'd be a positive thing that would add to your life to swallow it no i don't know much about the substance we weren't allowed chewing gum no does it contain gum arabic that's what i'd like to discover. Do you know why we aren't allowed it? Because my father thought it was too American. Too American, I can imagine.

Oh, really? Yeah, he didn't like it. I knew a guy who the idea of English people in baseball caps really annoyed him because he said that was an American thing. Yeah. Yeah, I think we all have to relax these things a bit, don't we? I think so. I think so.

I wear a full Uncle Sam outfit sometimes. Do you? No, I don't. I don't they? I think so. I wear a full Uncle Sam outfit sometimes. Do you? No I don't. I don't do that. That would be ridiculous. I would believe it of you. Okay. Alfresco Mond? We've had some other ones. People, it turns out people's parents

are quite strange. Well you know what Philip Larkin said. 891 was told by his father, I think a few people have said this, that if they didn't step on the escalator step correctly and if they stepped on the gap, they'd be dragged under. Yes. It took me a while to realise that was just a witty little prank.

I don't know, I'm not 100 that that couldn't happen. Oh, come on. Good use of 100, though. There is a moment where the step disappears into the grid when it becomes like a knit comb. What I think of as a knit comb type arrangement. You'd need tiny

feet to get stuck in that. If you had flippers on, you'd be playing with fire. Or like Shrek, for example. Yeah. You know those people in the Guinness Book of Records with nails

sort of they go into into coil they coil into that's like our producer's got those she's got very long nails lovely nails

how she operates a keyboard is a mystery lovely those nails to me I would have thought her hands her nails are so long

that her hands are blocking her view of the screen i like it i like it when i see her with food it's like a raccoon yes and i love a raccoon eating as a as a just a thing to watch just to relax sometimes i'll go on youtube oh frank that's on my algorithm. I watch those all the time, those videos. Yeah, raccoon gnaw. Have you seen, sorry everyone, but have you seen the raccoon eating the grapes? No, I like them gnawing.

Do you know what I mean? Give the grapes a go. Well, I don't know. I feel soft fruit might bring the whole thing down like a house of cards. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 511 has texted with things that people believed. My husband's mother told him when he was a child that he was allergic to all animal hair.

It wasn't until he was 25 that he stayed with a friend with a dog and reported to his mum that he hadn't had any ill effects at which point she told him she'd made it up to avoid any discussion about getting a pet. Oh! I find that really funny.

This is the thing with these, it's how long you stick with them unquestioned. Mmm. That's really tickled me. Yes. Work though, obviously. I didn't know I'd think of that. Sorry, carry on.

A lot of slug related correspondence. That's okay. They're all God's creatures. Yeah, well. I mean, this is extraordinary. Pretty Fly. Hello, Pretty. Pretty fly. Hello, pretty. Pretty fly for a white guy. Yeah.

I was kissing a girl at night in the woods. And I'm afraid I noticed a slug on her forehead. What? I say forehead, not forehead. Yeah. That's. That. It sure wasn't an eyebrow.

Liam Gallagher. But if you were in the woods, I can see it could have dropped from a stray slug in a tree. What do they climb? I don't think of them as tree climbers. Do you? I think of them as much more of slitherers. They may not be tree climbers.

Slithering, that's their house. Yeah, for sure. They may not be tree climbers, that's their house they may not be tree climbers but Jackie in Hamburg who's a very hard working correspondent this morning says

hi Frank and Co again I go geocaching are you both familiar with that? no Alan before I explain would you care to enlighten Frank? it's almost like a mass community kind of treasure hunt where you would put a little, like a capsule thing and people can come along and find it using clues. And it's just out

there. I've done it with the children, but I don't really understand it, but they do. Is it like Pokemon Go for the elderly? Yeah, I suppose suppose or the very young i guess it's sort of little things buried in sort of various locations it's quite sweet and you and i think you provide coordinates for people don't you it's a sort of smaller version of kit williams golden hair exactly okay so jackie goes geocaching okay and once I was reaching into a hole in a tree, I found the cache. That's the item that was placed there.

I pulled it out and it was absolutely covered in slugs. Wow. Encrusted. She says it could have been worse, I suppose. I disagree, but I just share that with you to enlighten you, re-slugs in the tree. Well, it could have been wasps yeah that would have been scorpions yeah yeah what about an ex-boyfriend of mine i was lying in bed it's all right i don't think he'd be in the tree sunday morning oh we don't know yes

i've seen a bit more about him could have been me and you jane more about him. Could have been me, Tars, and you, Jane. And if I want a China, I do have a China. That was something that Benny from Crossroads

said when Reg Cotterill questioned him having a takeaway. And he said, if I want a China, I do have a China. Anyway, I don't know. Very niche reference.

It was slightly. I was in bed one Sunday morning and I would say probably 15 wasps fell onto me. Oh. Fell onto you? He had a massive nest in his bedroom. Did he know about it? He did then.

Yeah? They fell on you? It was horrible I don't like the sound of that what are they, abseiling? no that's horrible I had that with earwigs when I was camping once the cone of the tent was encrusted

they were just dropping off sickening yeah they are never see any now no they're the 70s creature earwig nostalgia here on Absolute Radio. LAUGHTER Alan has rather neatly summarised two of the main topics

that people are contacting us about this morning, which is, what did you say i can't remember what did i say i can remember you said slugs and lines slugs and lines so andrew g for example has got in contact look at me i'm andrew g lousy with we'll find out what his hilarity was. Andrew G, walking home one evening, there were about 30 slugs on the pavement. There were so many, I

had to tiptoe around them. Oh, talk. It's making me sick. It's calm down. It really is. When I looked, they were all coming from different directions, but all heading towards a bus stop. That seems unlikely that they were using public transport.

Well, they might have been going to a slug fest. Yeah, they had. He says, who knew where they were going? But I'd probably get the bus if I were a slug. Yeah, but imagine seeing 30 slugs waiting at the bus stop. How do they get up? They don't put the ramp down for slugs, do they? How would you get them?

Get on top of each other. Oh, man, that would be great. Well, are they like those baddies in Bond films and they just hang on to the wheels? But they've got to get up there there how did the slugs get purchased well that is that would have been a great texting they are good grippers we know that oh man like something from... This is a strange tale. From an Arthur Machen story. Yeah. Is it?

It is. We've also had a fact in. I don't want it to be just slugs and lies. I love a fact. And this one's a new one to me. 906 has texted, Good morning, Frank. Did you know dash huns are also known as teckles?

I'm the proud owner of a teckle called Alfred. I know it's late in the show to bring a new fact in, but did you know that? Teckles? No. I thought he was going to say they're also known as hyphen hunts. Because dash and hyphen are... Anyway. What does teckle actually mean then

I don't know but dash ones are called it yeah bit of slap and

teckle it sounds it's a very German word isn't it teckle it sounds it sounds

like it to me I like it though next time I see one I see I see

quite a lot being walked do you see a lot of them I'm gonna say nice teckle no actually I won't I won't say that I don't think I don't say a lot being walked. Do you see a lot of them? I'm going to say nice tackle.

No, actually I won't. I don't think so. Don't say that. I'm not on a hamster. They might think I'm South African. Then they'll be very offended. Can we say dash means badger? So it means literally badger dog.

Does it really? No, I'm not going to say anything. Just don't say anything. Why don't I just wind up the whole kitten caboodle? Well, actually, we've got a text out there. 614 has asked,

ask Frank when he says get out at the end of the show, is he the demon in the Amityville film? Is it one of your references? No. That's the answer to that. I'm glad we've cleared that up.

I've never seen the Amityville horror, etc. I must say, I don't like horror films because I lie awake at night, frightened in the dark. I'm going to be completely upfront about why I don't watch horror films. Much appeals to me about them, but I don't like lying awake,

frightened at night in the dark. Okay. Anyway, coming up next is Danielle Perry. I don't have a jingle for Danielle, but she'll have to settle for one. I'm going to sing it. Danielle is on the next show

I advise you listen to There You Must Go Anyway, that's it Thanks for listening to us this morning and thanks for your fabulous contribution and if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again

this time next week now get out of Amityville forever