The Frank Skinner Show - Snored of the Rings

Episode Date: March 27, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank had an awkward moment at Mass and enjoyed filling in the Census. The team also discussed Orlando Bloom’s morning routine, delivery drones and favourite TV credits.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. I'm choking. Help. I'm melting. Or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. That was a lovely moment then when the producer ran for a bottle of water because I was choking a bit. It's quite terrifying to hear that down the line.

It must have been like listening to one of your Doctor Who radio plays for me. Yeah. Do you mean the Big Finish audio range? Yeah, that was very fine. I recommend it to any Doctor Whoers out there. I'm worried about the use of that word. It didn't come out quite as I anticipated. Nevertheless.

So, um... No, no. I, um... I tell you what they've got here? I noticed. I went to make a cup of tea this morning here at Golden Square. It keeps it so real. Yeah.

And, um, do you know, they've got three matching canary yellow flight cases. You know what I mean by a flight case? A suitcase, but like metal and bang, bang. I love a flight case. Yeah. I feel you could put anything in a flight case and it's safe. And I thought, how marvellous to be at the luggage carousel and see, even in the dark tunnel, just a glimmer of canary yellow

and know that you're on the way. Oh, man, how brilliant. I thought I'd say that on air, so any temptation to take one home will be removed. I think it's very important to sort of confess before you've done it as a prevention for doing it. That is my motto. With your track record now,

you might get sent canary yellow flight cases next week. Yeah, I don't think so. It's a lovely idea, but I don't think that's going to happen. I mean, how commonplace are they? 8, 12, 15. We, um... Oh, now, I was watching... I put the telly on this week

and I just got the end credits of a programme I did not identify. Oh. But at the end it said something like, Marie Elsbeth as herself. And I thought, well, don't bother, Marie, if you're not going to be better known than that for doing as herself. if you're not going to be better known than that for doing as herself. And I just, I tell you what I thought might be a nice texting for our ever amusing and interesting readers is what's the best as themselves you've ever seen in a film?

Well, the best credit, if I can, I mean, this is a minor diversion from that, but was one you said on this show, Frank, which is, was it Hawaii Five-0? What, Zulu as Kono? Yeah, it used to say Zulu as Kono at the front of it, and I used to think, well, why bother changing that? But to be fair, I imagine a lot of Hawaiians watching it

and say Jack Lord as Steve McGarrett. Why bother changing that? It just sounds the same. So, yes, I was on Enlightened, I think, at that point. And as himself or herself? Well, my favourite credit, all favourite credits, Voice of the Dragon, John Hurt, I remember, from Merlin. Oh, lovely.

Very good. And also, perhaps my all time favourite Man in Marquee Wilfred Hyde White What's that? I can't remember the old black and white movie and there was one a more common wise one which wasn't a

real credit it was in one of their make up plays and it was Ship's Cat Battle Brush So your favourite film or tv credit if it's an as himself or herself or themselves i'm sure amongst us we've had some i'm sure i've been spoiled victorian child or something along those lines well i was as himself i think in Emmerdale Farm Why do you ask himself in Jack Thorne, one of Jack Thorne's Oh yes That's difficult

because I was I suppose I was myself I remember having a debate with David Baddiel once about whether Columbo had got a glass eye because Peter Falk who plays Columbo That was a nice evening Peter Falk had got a glass eye because Peter Falk, who plays Columbo...

That was a nice evening in. Yeah. Well, Peter Falk had got a glass eye, the actor, but in the purposes of playing Columbo, does the eye play the part... Does the glass eye play the part of a real eye? So you wouldn't say that Columbo had got a glass eye because the glass eye is playing a real eye in that film.

I suppose a glass eye is always playing a real eye in that film. I suppose a glass eye is always playing a real eye. Okay. If you've got a glass eye, God bless you. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. I'm just talking about the...

Oh, my God. Put the music on. I'll put the music on. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had some great and as themselves, haven't we, Al? Oh, good. Already?

On the old textings. Over to our correspondent in Manchester. I always think everyone's asleep till about halfway through the show. I'm always amazed when we get answers this early. Brilliant. Well done, guys. Al, over to you. 438 has texted Rizzo the Rat as himself in Muppet Christmas Carol.

Oh, does that count? Rizzo the Rat? I don't know. Who is that? Sorry. I don't know. I just thought it was funny. Wasn't Rizzo also the one who sang,

There are worse things I could do? Stockard Channing. Lovely. Oh, yeah. That's Paul and Johnny who are flooring in Melton Mowbray on a Saturday. Good lad. Flooring in Melton Mowbray. A novel

by Beryl Baybridge. I do love it when people text in with their activity. I like it when it happens accidentally. I don't like it when it's like a bit capital radio. That's the phoning. Something of a radio cliche. No, yeah, I don't like it when it's like a bit capital radio, but that's the phoning. Something of a radio cliché.

No, yeah, I think you want a bit more than that, darling. No, I like it when they just throw it in. Oh, I like it. They just say Pete, comma, painting. Yeah, I like it as a sort of stage direction. That's what I mean, yeah. And also, there's something about flooring in Melton Mowbray, which has got everything.

It's very Alan Bennett. Was it trout fishing in, what's the name of that novel? Oh yes. Oh, I know what you mean. Anyway. Not the Yemen. No, that was, wasn't trout fishing in the Yemen? No, it was salmon fishing. No, that was what, oh no, trout

fishing in Chile was what Jeremy Paxman told me he'd been doing when I met him on a plane. I thought he was adding the seasoning early on I thought to myself. Roger Daltrey's in the trout chair for me. Oh man, you know I asked

him about that in my sensational Absolute Radio interview. What did you say to him? I said I always think of you as the sort of troutmeister guy who had the trout farm. What did he say? He said I said I always think of you as the sort of troutmeister guy who had the trout farm. What does he say? He said the thing is with the trout farming is what happened? And he went into like sort of

a government policy. It was great. It was great. That's what you want from adultery, some trout news. I love that interview. I asked him what he done if he turned up to a gig and it was one of those microphones with just the little bit sticking out the end so he couldn't do his swinging.

Would he swing it just by that little boxer dog tail that you get on the end? Did he go with you? You know what? He was a great bloke. Good man. We've had some other ones, haven't we? We had 083. She calls herself... Oh, that is good. Yes. Moomins. Yes. Go on, Al. Best as themself, Boy George in the A-Team. That is a good shout. Wow. Kerry the Black

Country Wench, she's calling herself. Oh, right off. Boy George was in the A-Team. I remember it well. Who knew? Yeah, I hope that wasn't just some video that she saw somewhere. Let's not end on that. Say something else, Emily. Okay, I'm going to end with Anton Deck made an

as-themselves appearance in Love Actually and don't forget Alfred Hitchcock was serial as himself in many of his own films that's from one of our regulars nasher whereas uh well was he an as himself though or was he just in it see stan lee was in all the marvel movies that's right but he wasn't that's your cameo isn't it whether or not he was Stan Lee's no because Stan Lee wouldn't be working as a sort of

hot dog salesman and stuff so in fact he was playing parts it's very complex I didn't realise when I asked for this

that it was going to be so complex Paul could we do this we're live you say well I'll tell you what I did this week Go on The census

Oh yeah Actually sat down and filled it in on Sunday Sort of thing me and Kath would normally put off for like six months And then I'd have a big row with my PA that it hadn't been done But we did it It had to be done by Sunday That was a good line, wasn't it? No, because a man knocked on my door And said, have you done your census? Really? Yes hadn't been done. It had to be done by Sunday. That was your deadline, wasn't it?

No, because a man knocked on my door and said, have you done your census? Really? Yes, I said, mind your own beeswax. Did you let him out? Anyway, no, I think it was a very wobbly deadline, I think.

I think they said, by Sunday, but do your best. It's one of those very, very modern approach. And you had to describe your job, not just say what your job was, but you had to describe what was the... Remember this bit on the thing? And I actually found myself writing, making people laugh. You did, yeah.

On a census. You did, yeah. I did. And then I thought to myself about the word making in that phrase. They don't want to. No. Helping people to laugh would have been a nicer thing, but if you think about it as a job,

often there's a good deal of brute force you can require. What about just laughter assistance? Yeah. What did you write, Al? Have you done yours? My wife filled mine. I can't remember what she put for jobs. Oh, 1972!

But she must have been a comedian for your... She must have. Very weird. Also, I would feel concerned about making people laugh because I think that means that there's the route for people to not pay you if you have a bad gig. Oh, no, we can't have that. I think I would put it somewhat like attempting.

No, I think we're all in on the risk. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I know. Well, you have to put your Ts and Cs at the bottom. Well, I haven't completed mine, I'm going to be honest. Oh, you've gone for the wobbly deadline. I've gone for the wobbly deadline. £1,000 fine.

Is it? Yeah, it's a £1,000 fine. It's not. I don't know if you're eligible for it. Do you want to rephrase, I haven't done mine? I haven't. Oh, Frank, hold me out. It's in your outbox.

I'm guessing that you had something more important to do than this legal obligation of which we speak. What would you call your job, Emily? Oh. I don't want to put you on the spot. No. I like... Well, you see, a lot of people go for...

Because it would have been journalist. Writer, performer is what people say. Frank, you don't like radio. You don't like broadcaster. Broadcaster, I think. That's right, writer slash broadcaster. I like that. Yeah, writer, broadcaster.

My father did that. I think it's what he would have wanted. I think broadcaster. The trouble is there's a lot of broadcasters who don't really say anything interesting or funny, and I don't want to be lumped with them. Yeah. That's a good point.

I think there should be like, it should say either F or I, or maybe F and I after broadcast to say which one you are. And if you're neither, you're not a broadcaster. Because this is the theory that you could just go blah, blah, blah and that'll make you a broadcaster.

And I'm sorry, that doesn't wash with me. OK. I would just like to throw this into the mix, which I thought you'd enjoy. We'll come back to these, but Matthew Fraser has tweeted us, Champion the Wonder Horse, I think the last credit was for the dog with Blaze as Rebel. They often do that though.

Didn't, didn't, what was the hard thing from EastEnders? Wellard. Oh, Wellard. Didn't he? He was named something like Jeff. What's the point? Yeah. Because there's a reason, there's a textual reason for

him being called Wellard, I think. It was a suggestion that Dean Gaffney's character sought masculinity at knee level. Oh, I love this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I can give you an interesting as themselves. Oh, yeah. In Ninjago Lego movie,

Kate Garraway and Ben Shepard are the news readers, but they are in Lego form, but I believe it is their voices. So that is a hell of an as themselves as themselves open brackets in Lego form yeah they get quite a lot of as themselves 393 has texted dear Frank, Emily and Alan

I recall the inflatable autopilot at the end of Airplane being credited as Otto as himself yes I remember that. Never saw him in anything else. Bit of a niche role, I suppose, Paul from Northwood. Wasn't he in Mr Blobby the Movie? I think Airplane also stars Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. It does.

Is he as himself or is he acting? Is he basketball? He's acting. He's basketball and Bruce Lee. Oh. Now you're talking. Oh, I love a bit of Bruce. Robert has tweeted,

this man with carrier bag, Bernard Spear from the second Dalek movie. Actually, they had a lot of us themselves in certainly in Doctor Who since 2005. It's almost like I can't pay them. I think Matt Berry from,

not Matt Berry, Matt Baker from The One Show, I think he was in. Oh, really? A lot of people you wouldn't, you know, news readers and stuff like that, yeah. Oh, yes. That is correct and then nick uh peak has pointed out that in jurassic park uh i think i remember this famously dinosaur supervisor phil tippett a little in joke there oh he had some fun well just the idea that you would require a dinosaur supervisor to save a meal

like animal handler so he wasn't the person who pressed the buttons he wasn't the person operating the mouse no I'll tell you what I did this week it's always awkward this I was leaving

mass on Sunday morning I don't mean mass the scientific term I mean It's always awkward, this. I was leaving Mass on Sunday morning. I don't mean Mass, the scientific term. I mean the theological concept. And I outstayed my talk time with the priest. Sometimes, you know, I try and keep it very brief. Is it like a mobile phone contract? You only get a certain amount of minutes a month

yes it is and it's quite a strict contract and what happens is if you begin maybe the third sentence then the the hand goes between the shoulder blades and starts moving you onward and it's a heart i always pride myself in being able to get out of there but it's like kissing you don't want to be the one who's left at the end of it you want to be the one who has not not who is left you want to be the one who has left as it as it were i see but um yeah so i got the priestly shove oh no which i Oh, no. Which, it was in my bones for a couple of hours after the thought of it that I'd stayed too long. What were you saying? Were you telling one of your little stories?

Yes, I was thinking, well, you know, obviously I get extra time as a celebrity, I was thinking. And I forgot that it's one of the last true democracies. How irritating for you. It is. And so now I've joined the Scientologists, where I find the celebrities get a proper full respect. All respect.

I'd like to apologise to 002, who's got in touch, and I've accidentally upset. They're texting, I had a pair of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar basketball boots stolen circa 1985. You've just opened up an old wound. Martin the Frog Lover, they call themselves. OK. Well, we won't go into that. I'd like to.

I'd like to know what that's about. I didn't realise he was at a level where he had his own boots, signature boots. Oh, he's one of the first to have them. I don't know much about it. I know Michael Jordan and that's about it. I met a famous basketball player whilst visiting Bette Midler backstage at Las Vegas.

Which one was it? It's a true story. With the popular broadcaster Adrian Childs Wow People were queuing up you could pay to meet and greet with her and there were people in the queue and then a very

very tall man Who would he have been then? Very famous but not Michael Jordan You're going to have to narrow it down. Was he an Ab? God's sake. Abdul, Ab... Yeah, I think he had an Arabic name rather than, you know.

OK, this is good radio. Yeah, OK. Come on. Anyway, he was there, so we met him. He was extremely tall. They are? Yeah. Well, I've had an encounter with Shaquille O'Neal, as you know.

I wonder if it could have been Shaquille O'Neal. I can't remember what your encounter was. Was he a bit fresh? Well, it could have gone... I think I may have told you. I got an invitation to continue the party. Excellent. And I believe the Hollywood phrase,

Hollywood publicist phrase... Do you know Gerard Corbin sent exactly that same invitation to me? You know what I did? I did what Hollywood publicists do. I graciously declined. Okay. And I've regretted it all my life. Have you really? Yes. What a story. Come on.

It could have been a slam dunk. Anyway. That's enough rhyming slang So what else have we had? Well, I've got a couple of things I'd like to share with you Firstly, our loyal email correspondents Must get their air time Of course Mrs H from Devon has been in touch

Morning gang, I've been listening to old show podcasts Must get their air time. Of course. Mrs H from Devon has been in touch. Morning, gang. I've been listening to old show podcasts and I heard Frank talking about interviewing Bruce Forsyth and cutting out a joke from a broadcast. That is an old show that I talked about. Yes, we had to cut out a joke for technical reasons. He said if someone did this to him, he'd put excrement through their door.

I just wondered what he did to the controller of ITV when Shane 2 wasn't broadcast. Much love, praise, redacted Mrs H. Well, I didn't really blame the controller I blamed people who were nearer the project. I could see that their careers were already spiralling downwards so I didn't who were nearer the project. I could see that their careers were already spiralling downward

so I didn't even need to dirty my hands. Anyway. We've also had Hannah has got in touch. Who? Hannah. Hannah Whittingham who says oh hello, she's one of our regulars, we know Hannah. I was briefly a backing singer for Sir Elton.

Oh, that's a nice little thing to drop in conversation, isn't it? I mean, I don't know if we want to leave people in suspense because we have got to go to, we have got a news obligation soon. I'm trying to think of, what are the big back-end singer, do they come in and go,

Rocket Man? And he goes, Do they do that? Or have I just invented that chorus, that Rocketman chorus? Well, there'll forever be one now you've sung that. I know backing vocals really spring to mind in Elton John's stuff. Well...

He's a bit me to be having backing vocals. Elton John, a bit me. Well, I've seen him live a couple of times and I don't recall backing. But anyway, we'll have more of this after the break. I'm certainly intrigued. Rocket man! This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. Anyway, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Now then, we left our readers...

I don't know if you can still say now then in British entertainment, but we'll let it pass. Oh dear. We left our readers on tenterhooks. Yeah. With an Elton John's diction missive from Hannah Whittingham, who's one of our lovely regulars.

I was briefly a backing singer for Sir Elton. On tenterhooks, by the way, I believe it's an old weaving term that when the garment was made wet and then stretched, they were put on tenterhooks. Oh, I love your loom anecdotes. I was watching medieval monastery farm, I think it's called,

or something like that. Is this a little show? Tudor, Tudor Monastery Farm. Yeah, it's very interesting. Carry on. I was briefly a backing singer for Sir Elton and it was an ongoing suspenseful surprise which consonant he would use to start his words.

Oh. To the point we would rehearse in several different versions. His preference for some time was for still standing. OK. I wonder whether S's just became too troublesome, so he decided to drop them altogether. Praise redacted from Hannah. It is, because obviously they mess about with the vowels, singers,

to make the voice sound sweet, but consonants. I'm tilt-anding. Is that easier to say than still standing? Or is it just variation? Is he thinking, I've done this song a million times? What if I just leave a few letters out and then I know I haven't done the whole song so I feel a bit easier with myself?

Is there a possibility he had perhaps a mouth ulcer on the tip of his tongue and S was troublesome and T was fine, so tilt-handing was OK, but... Well, we'd have to see the rest of his work that night and uh right and see uh what else happened i mean there must be other st beginning um well don't do this as a text it'd be a bit tedious we've also had in from the man with no name uh one of my exciting though to be out in john's man with no name, one of my... Exciting, though, to be Elton John's backing singer. Oh, fabulous.

I'm imagining one of those women in, like, all in black, standing. Oh, there was what? Still standing? Often not men in those line-ups of three at the microphone. Nearly always women, I find. Whereas Elvis had got the sweet inspiration, the sweet inspiration female and then he had JD somewhere in the stamps doing some of the other notes. The man with no name

has also tweeted us to, in reference to the credit, and as himself, or just interesting credits. And he's pointed out one of my favourites I'd forgotten in Airplane 2. It says under, it says gaffer in brackets, what's a gaffer?

Larry Gilhooly. Then it says best boy, Frank McCain. Worst boy, Adolf Hitler. Oh my goodness. Wow. I also like Voice of the Ring, Alan Howard. It's the one who goes... in Lord of the Rings.

I like that. Oh, I saw Alan Howard's Richard III at Stratford many years ago. Absolutely marvellous. Frank, it's interesting you should mention Lord of the Rings because have you been reading about Orlando? Oh, yes, I have. Have you seen this? With some gusto, I might say. Yes, I have.

One of the things I like best in the celebrity world is when someone's filters completely fail them and everything comes out. Things where a publicist would be saying, I wouldn't mention that darling in the interview. All just comes flowing out. That's so exhilarating.

I imagine that'll happen to me as I move into my dotage and things will just start flowing forth. Well, he's gone viral this week, hasn't he, boys? He sure has. He sure has. Describing his American lifestyle.

Yes. I wonder if we should... I know it's not much of a teaser, although... Orlando Jonathan Blanchard Copeland Blooms Lifestyle. Yes. Is that his full handle? Yes. Wow. He's from Kent, isn't he?

I believe so. Yes, because one of the things he said, that he's banned tracksuit trousers around the house. And coming from Kent, that must make him some sort of trail-blyzer. Trailblazer. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We are mid-bloom. I think it's fair to say.

Full bloom. Yeah. So he was doing the popular Sunday Times interview slot, Life in the Day. Oh, okay, yeah. I know it. You do. They put a twist on it you see not there in the life life in the day yeah i get it and he starts his day at 6 30 a.m and then he said this thing's got strange sentence too because not only this when you read that you know like you've probably done it Frank I wake up at 9 have a shower

Orlando said I wake up at 6.30am and monitor my readiness and you think here we go yeah but he's got a special kind of alarm which I didn't really understand which I think it's like a ring that people wear

that tells them how much quality... It's a walkout! Exactly. Time to get up. Is it like that? I think it's exactly like that. Alan Howard's still working. I think he's dead now.

God bless him. Well, it is interesting that he needs to move on from that Lord of the Rings. I know he did well out of it, but... Yes, how does it work out? It responds to your rhythms. Yeah, and I think it tells you sort of what level of recuperative

sleep you've had and how recovered you are and all that sort of stuff. And the bit that was missing in Orlando's article for me was that he didn't say what he did in response to finding out the readiness for the day. Like, if it says you're not ready for the

day does he go back to bed yes that's what i see well now we're back into i remember on the show we went for a period discussing the second sleep theory of waking up and doing a lot of stuff in the night and then uh i don't mean uh when i say a lot of stuff i don't mean class a drugs i mean work around the house. And then going back to sleep's a lovely idea. Well, the smart ring itself, I don't know if he's got the aura ring. That's the one they all have. It's quite funny that he's got the smart ring when he was in Lord of the Rings.

Come on. Come on, mate. Turn a page. He should have his own brand, shouldn't he? Called something like Snored of the Ring. Does he ever shout if Katy Perry's cleaning it? Give me back that ring. I hope he does.

Oh, and I hope not. My precious. Yeah. Oh, no. Katy Perry naked on the wardrobe. My precious. Get off. Get off.

The aura ring, well, that's the one that Prince Harry has and I believe the founder of Twitter, Jack Dorsey. Okay. They all have the aura. It's very fashionable. And that does that thing. Yes, it does. I have to say, this is completely new to me.

Well, it tracks tracks doesn't it Al it tells you essentially if you're getting enough sleep and it's your activity levels Your REMs and all that Yeah yeah how rested you are What I do is we have a clock across from our bed and if I wake up and I look at that

and it says 5am and I've already checked it like 14 times I do some mental arithmetic and I think I that and it says 5am and I've already checked it like 14 times, I just, I do some mental arithmetic and I think, I've not had good rest tonight. No. And if it's 7 o'clock and I don't remember anything since going to sleep I think that was good rest, that's my system.

Well of course the clocks go back tonight, that's going to throw Orlando's system into disarray, isn't it? I mean, does the ring pick up on that kind of extraneous information? No, because it doesn't recognise

probably the human time designations. Well, I'm not going to get one. And if anyone's listening who makes them, don't send me one. Otherwise I'll just leave it on the road. I think that's fair. On the road?

You know, I mean like on a pavement. I wouldn't put it somewhere it'd be driven over. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've been corrected. Let me find my jingle for being corrected. Okay, let's find it. Correzioni, correzioni, ole, ole, ole. Very perfect.

I mean, it really sounds like a football crowd singing correzioni. You've been corrected by many people. So many. Ah, no. We'll just pick 327 who actually said Correzione, Frank. The clocks go forward, not back. Spring forward, fall back. You will be two hours behind everyone tomorrow if you put them back tonight.

Yes, but I don't like spring forward, fall back. Because fall is not a term that I use for autumn. Why, Frank? Because it's very... What is it, Em? It's an Americanism. It is, yeah. But no, you're quite right.

I got it wrong. The clocks go forward tonight. We've had so much correspondence about that. You'll be two hours behind everyone tomorrow if you put them back tonight. We've had so much correspondence about that. You'll be two hours behind everyone tomorrow if you put them back tonight. Imagine if you just decided to live your life two hours behind. I think when they regularised the railway system

in England, they found out that the clock in Yeovil was something like 18 minutes faster than the rest of the country. And for many months, the Yeovil people refused to change it. So the train thing got very complicated if you were going via Yeovil. I think in the end, as we all do, they gave in. So, yes, an hour's less sleep is the theory, if you're listening, Orlando.

By the way, 587, have you seen this out? Hi Frank, Columbo Defo had a glass eye. Another text I never thought I'd receive. Oh, yes. In one of the episodes, someone offered to help him look for something, and he replied, thanks, three eyes are better than one. Oh, very good. That's from Big John.

It could be a bit meta, Colombo, because when Patrick McGowan was the bad guy, a woman, I remember, took his photograph and said, if you want to come and buy this photograph, this is my business card. And he went, OK, be seeing you, which was from The Prisoner. So it was a show with a lot of stuff happening.

So what Orlando does first thing once he's gone up, he says that he has a young child. He does a bit of eye gazing with the child. Not Columbo style. It's one of the... Did he give it to her to hold? But eye gazing, I'd say, is one of the more orthodox forms of gazing.

Well, you two remembered to have children, unlike me. Is eye gazing a thing with your children? That question first to Alan Cochran in Manchester. Well, I think it's a thing, but it's not commonly called eye gazing. What is it, Al? Is it just staring into your child's eyes? Yeah, it's just looking at your kids, isn't it? I wouldn't reduce that to eye gazing. Well, yeah, but, I mean, here's the big question.

This is what I would call the $6 million question of the Orlando Bloom interview, is how much or little of it is he pulling our leg? How much of it is tongue in cheek? Is it parody? Do you think he's got a twist on it? I don't get that. I mean, you might be right. The eye gains, and I can imagine he does get up and look at his beautiful child, but he's just, you know, he's gone into the jargon. I mean, I get up, my son reads the Beano at the breakfast table,

and you can say to him, so, Boz, are you the king of Nicaragua? And he'll say, yeah, and just continue reading the Beano. He can get anything. So it's nice when they're young enough to stare at, but I think, hasn't he just gone into jargon rather than making it up? I'm asking, is he clever enough to make it up, I suppose,

is what I'm ultimately stripping this question down to. I think, possibly, if you get given a role in Lord of the Rings two days after you leave drama school, it can be hard to stay in touch with reality. Yeah. Okay. But like I say, what I like is he's saying, this is me. He said after I've become a laughing stock or something like that.

He said after. Which I don't think he'd say if he'd made it up, would he? No, he didn't. What you've done now is you've... This is the Richard Iowardi approach, question everything. The whole house of cards has fallen down. Meanwhile... Meanwhile... We're on Bluemo. Yeah, we're on Bluemo. Meanwhile

We're on Bluemo We're on Bluemo Bluemo says The first After he's done his eye gazing And rejected the tracksuit He then does Buddhist practice Because that's infiltrated his whole being

Then He wouldn't joke about that would he? No I think he does do it. He then says he... I bet he never says YOLO. Which is odd because he seems like a YOLO kind of a guy apart from that. And who was the worst person I chose to ever say that to, Frank?

Do you remember? On the plane I sat next to him? Was it the Dalai Lama? No, it was near close. The High Commissioner of Sri Lanka. And I said, have a peanut. And I offered him a cashew nut. I said, do you want one?

He said, not really. So firstly, I like not really. Wasn't it yes or no? It was a not really. I think you should have pressed him on that. What do you mean? Well, I'll tell you what I did. I said, come on, YOLO.

And then I described to him what the phrase was. In case he was an elderly gentleman, the High Commissioner of Sri Lanka, he was unaware. And he said, actually, in our part of the world, we believe in reincarnation, Emily. And then he buried himself in his BA Life magazine. Oh. Oh, nice.

That's a good... I was party to a conversation once. There was three or four of us. And one of the guys said, have you ever been for a walk in a pine forest first thing in the morning? And this other guy said, not really. And he said, what do you mean?

What do you mean, not really? And we really pushed this guy. Do you mean you've done it slightly later in the day or you've been around the perimeters of a pine forest? So not really. Yeah, you've got to get that right, I think. But Orlando says he likes to earn his breakfast. Yeah.

So he has a juice, Al, doesn't he? He goes for a green powder and some collagen for his hair and nails, I think it was. Oh, wow. Okay. He looks lovely, that. He does. What about this, Al? Brain octane oil.

Yeah. Have you come across that? I've forgotten that. I think other people call that coffee, don't they? Coffee. What's your coffee quote from Wonderful Coffee Meal in Itself.

What's it from? I think it's from Death of a Salesman. Okay, fabulous. It might even be the opening line. Who is it? We don't get much of Al's acting on the show, but when it happens, it's scintillating. It's marvellous. Thank you. What's your favourite

coffee quote? Mine is Garfield. Mmm, need coffee. Mine is Agent Cooper in Twin Peaks. How do you like your coffee, Agent Cooper? Black as midnight on a moonless night,

is what he says. Oh, lovely. See, I sometimes say things like that to waitresses and I just get, hmm. I was on a train once and I said to this woman with the trolley, can I have a plastic glass, please? And she said, yeah, okay.

And I said, of course, there is no such thing as a plastic glass. And the look she gave me was like, I mean, it was awful. And I wanted to explain why I'd said it, but I could tell that would go. I mean, don't employ people working with the public if they're going to have that sort of attitude. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. Absolute radio. can i just uh take us back for a brief hot tub dip into uh amusing or pleasing credits oh yes this is from pablo bon, who's one of our regulars on Twitter. He's pointed out that if anyone remembers, I can't remember, Al, if it was 70s or 80s, but the show Threads, it was kind of a BBC, sort of horror-y. BBC does horror. Horror-y, I like the word. Horror-y. BBC does horror. And there were some crackers, as Pablo points out, on there.

We had man who has leg amputated, Michael Shale, uncredited. Boy wearing parka, running in shopping centre, uncredited. And then finally, Jonathan Harston, survivor on the moors. Oh, good. I like those. Didn't we have someone had a Lily the Pink fact that came in? We did. Lily the Pink, in case you don't know, was a hit single from, I guess it was the 60s, late 60s, by a group called The Scaffold.

Yes. The Scaffold. Yes. Who comprised the poet Roger McGough, Paul McCartney's brother Mike McGeer and John Gorman, the tiswas. Regular. Someone has suggested... We were talking about the backing vocalist

of Elton John at one point on the show. And Daydreamer has said Elton John himself was a backing singer on Lily the Pink by the Scaffold. Tim Rice sang alongside Elton as part of the Scaffold's backing group. I don't know why I know this. This is very much your era, Frank. Is this, what's your view on this? Well, I've never

heard that, but I do love those musical facts about someone who played on a track who you wouldn't expect. I heard... Bob Holness and Baker Street? Well, was it Bob Holness? It wasn't.

I think that's it. It separates the urban myths from the real because I was told that Rod Stewart played harmonica on Millie's My Boy Lollipop. And I don't know if that's true. I do believe that iggy pop and um david bowie did the backing vocals on lou reed's satellite of love the bits that go bum bum bum satellite of love satellite of love yeah Yeah. Yeah.

There you go. And I think... Oh, we won't go on and on about it. I don't get much time to talk about music on this music station because... We haven't got time. No. But I think Lou Reed played lead guitar on something you wouldn't expect, like Leader of the Pack, but that might well be again. Oh, don't have nightmares, kids.

You know he gives me nightmares. Oh, Lou Reed, don't you? Yeah, I told you that Transformers terrified me when I was a child. I love Lou Reed. If I could be anything in the world that flew. Yes. Lou Reed,

no longer with us. I always love his wife, actually, as well. I've seen her live a couple of times. Oh, man, that's the music out the way. You can come back from the toilet. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute

Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram. And Frank on the radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Gave it a bit more there and I was happier with it. It had a sort of archer's feel to it,

some pauses and things. I'd like to bring some technology news to your attention. Oh, good. A curry house in Glasgow, where I was born, I wasn't born in A curry house in Glasgow, where I was born, is... I wasn't born in the curry house, before we get any smart Alex. Handbag, how do you know?

I was born in Glasgow. But anyway, Shish Mahal, a restaurant in Glasgow, has teamed up with a drone pilot, John Crawford, to try out delivery by drone for curry takeaways. That is, I mean, that now makes me feel like I'm living in the 21st century. Yeah, but you watched Captain Scarlet and thought that. Yeah. scarlet and thought that. The Shish Mahal, guys, that is apparently they invented the chicken tikka masala.

Wow. I thought that was in Birmingham. Somebody told me. No, it's Asif Ali. I know a lot about them. He claims his dad invented it back in 1971. I wonder if it's a disputed thing, the chicken tikka masala. Do you remember when I was on a walking holiday once

and I passed a blue plaque outside a bakery that said it had invented the banoffee pie? Do you remember that? Ooh, yum. Well, Asif Ali told the hairy bikers this, and I always think they're immaculate sources. Yes, well, they make immaculate sources. If not immaculate to look at.

Well, that's sort of their thing. I always worry there'll be hair in the food. But never mind. Oh, I must confess, I gave my wife a cup of tea yesterday, and she said, look at that, and one of my beard hairs was just perched on the corner of the mug. I'm not kidding. It and one of my beard hairs was just perched on the corner of the mug. I'm not kidding. It's one of my worst things.

I'd rather find a dead vole in food than a hair. If I have hair in food, that really does finish me off. Can you eat on afterwards? It wasn't that big a mug to fit a dead vole in. I can eat on with great difficulty. And when you pick it up and there's like a soap on a rope, it's the food connected to the hair twists. Disgusting.

You see, the fact that you say I can eat on with great difficulty, I couldn't eat on. Okay. Anyway, we're not suggesting for one second that this restaurant would get anything like that. It's regularly, it's very high on TripAdvisor. There was a tremendous quote from... Asif Ali.

Was it from Asif Ali himself who said that we've decided... As himself, Asif Ali. He said that the best way, he said that we've decided the fastest way to deliver food is as the crow flies. Yes. Which is not a revolutionary, but I thought maybe you could call as the crow flies. Yes. Which is not a revolutionary deal, but I thought maybe you could call it a crow bot. Oh, that's good. Yeah, and they could have the drone.

If they had the drone dressed as crows, so they were actually delivered by crow as the crow fly deliveries. I also wonder if you could call it Avi-Asian. Oh, nice. The service. Come on. You can have that, if you're listening. What about Al, this John Crawford?

Can I ask a question? Sure. As the crow flies, is there a suggestion there that other birds don't fly in a straight line. What are other birds doing? They're following the road system.

What about the raven? I mean, what about these other ones? I think some do zigzag. Some must zigzag. When you see a bird of prey hovering in the sky, is it at a red light some way below? You're so right. Why does the crow sit in the direct route chair?

Yeah, exactly. What is it about crows that they get all the credit for being direct? If anyone who has access to crow information, like Ronnie Wood, for example. Yeah, Russell Crowe. She'd be all right. He'd be alright, sorry Wurzel Gommage Wurzel Gommage isn't I mean, obviously he's hostile to crows But a close friend of the Crow Man

Who played the Crow Man? Billoddy? No, it was a Wilfred It was a Wilfred of some sort Was it? He's a cat weasel man Oh, Geoffrey Bailden. Oh, yeah.

He was in Doctor Who, I remember. We've gone a long way from a Glasgow choreographer. We have. I wonder if Arsif ever says that to his family when he's sitting enjoying a meal. Yeah, we've gone a long way. The drones will be saying. I think it's a brilliant idea.

I would love, I would love a takeaway to arrive by drone. I mean, God, come on. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So how did my stomach go then? That was mine. Applaud.

I should explain that when Emily worked in the fashion industry why don't you tell the story? Well, I like that. It's rather like when you're in a couple. They say, no, no, no you tell it. Well, I don't want to take the credit for your story. Oh, you are sweet, darling. You've had enough of that from men.

I was at Instyle magazine and yes they would I'm afraid I'm afraid to say they would sometimes applaud if someone's stomach rumbled yes it's awful

but funny and a birthday yes like so many awful things yes this is true John Crawford is described as a drone pilot

discuss oh yes I mean obviously John Crawford is described as a drone pilot. Discuss. Oh, yes. I mean, obviously... Why do you need your training, Lego? Well, let's find out, because our producer bought her boyfriend a drone for his birthday. Have you ever heard? I still think of a drone as a thing

that's only owned by television companies or special people. Well, I'm confused because I thought she bought them a Scalextric or whatever it's called. Yes, well, I remember... They're commercially available now. Yeah, Katie Price told me that she had one to scour

the surroundings of her house to see if there were paparazzi outside. And if there weren't any, she stayed in. So go on, what were you going to say so the producer can give us intel on this? Well, she was just showing me that they just go out and take, you know, you might go out and take snapshots. She's got, like, hovering as the crow flies

shots of a local lake and things like that. I'm a sort of a paparazzi. I'd be worried about, you know, I'm of a generation where one's first thought is nudist camp when somebody says that. Now, I don't even know if nudist camp still exists. No, it doesn't. But it's a very too Ronnie's thing. There's a hole being blown in the nudist camp wall. Police are looking into it.

Yes. It's very much that. Can I say... George Formby sang quite a bit about nudist camps. Of course he did. My worry was about pylons, overhead pylons, wires for the drones. I thought you meant those pylons we used to have in the playground

when about 20 kids all piled on top of each other. You think they happen at nudist camps? Oh, I hope not. Oh, sickening. I really hope not. Absolutely sickening. I'm sure there are people there who would like them to happen. I'm sure.

It's still in the R&D phase. What is that? Research and development. Oh, so no one's... You see, I had a friend. There were some flats near me that were named after literary figures. There was Byron House, Chaucer House, for example.

And a friend of mine... Like Dan Brown Towers. Yeah, they hadn't got that far yet. And this guy was walking past, I think it was Chaucer, and a friend of mine brown towers yeah they haven't got that far yet but they were and this guy was walking past i think it was chaucer and he was hit you were he was hit by a takeaway that someone had just half eaten and then thrown off the balcony and um he said he was covered in stuff but he said the sil the bacophile tray was on the floor and he could see the shape of his head in it,

where it had landed on his head. So that is the danger, isn't it, that they will drop from the sky. And also if it was a bag, you know, a whole bag of takeaway can be quite heavy. Well, Al, it says it's a 30-minute perimeter. What if you're right on the border? Because it says it's a 30-minute perimeter. What if you're right on the border? Because it says it has 30 minutes life, the drone battery. So, all the charge.

Well, you get a free drone with your takeaway. But what if it's delayed by a crow or it's trying to divert and then it just drops? Well, at least if it's delayed by a crow. Into a neighbour's garden. One can predict which direction a crow is going to go in if you see one approaching you.

You're the one who needs to deviate because that crow, he ain't going to move. No way, Jose. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had various answers to our drone musings. We were discussing the drone deliveries of food. And 442, who I'm guessing is a football fan, has texted, Frank, Kate Bush is a drone enthusiast.

She's always out with one at hovering heights. Oh, no. Oh, have I been suckered in by a joke? Well, I thought it's a wuthering height, but maybe... No, it is a joke, isn't it? Because of wuthering heights. She's an unlikely drone enthusiast as well. I think she gets excited about things like hay ricks.

Oh, yeah. We did do unlikely celebrity pilots. Maybe we should do unlikely celebrity drone enthusiasts. Yeah, Kate Bush, drone enthusiast. You never know. I mean, I'm not writing it off completely. We've had some crow news in. Oh, I'd like some crow news.

From baubles. Oh, baubles sounds like a lovely friend for me. Enchanté. The crow was often used... Baubles, baubles, bright shining... No, I like this. This is my sound bed. By ancient mariners as a way to find land if they were lost at sea. That's where the saying comes from.

They released them and the way they flew was the shortest route to land. That's good. And that was crows specifically? You'd think seagulls would be more to hand, wouldn't you? Yeah, but they're an unpredictable. They're the yobbos of the avian world. If they saw someone eating chips off the track, they would go... Seagulls steal your lunch money.

Crows wear a cloak and they guide you like a friendly goth. Now, I hate to be the fly in the ointment on this drone thing. I think it's a good idea. I like the innovation attempt, but I do think there is going to be a you know there's going to be a flaw and eventually real life is going to sink in and we're going to end up with the drone failing and it being replaced with a bloke delivering the curry you know like when you get a train ticket and it's a bus replacement service you're gonna think your curry's arriving by drone and then it's a bloke in a nissan micro or somebody on foot yeah and you think oh we've we've innovated our way out of all this kate bush with a

drone relief service that she offers now that would... No, that would... Because if... I would be so excited. Imagine standing in your garden, searching the sky for your takeaway. I mean, it's brilliant. Also, can we just say, boys, with this prototype, he did... I see Fadlioni tested it out

with a plastic bag with cardboard inside. Right, yeah. Now, that's fine, but how... I'm worried about the weight, Al. Now, that's fine, but how... I'm worried about the weight, Al. I'll add in, you seem to know about science. About how long it takes. No, I'm worried about whether the drone

is going to be able to cope with 10 Peshawari nan, six Diet Cokes and Vindaloo. It doesn't have to be one drone, does it? I mean, if you have a really big... We could have 50 drones in the sky. Imagine all, yeah. Desert strong. I'd say, yeah, could I have 15 chicken chikas,

eight sagalus, and do all the thing, salty lassi, and can they do geese V formation? We've got a few people around, you know, just so it'd be nice. Yeah, I'm, they'd be like the Red Arrows in the end. Can you imagine David Baddiel sitting there going, oh, Frank's ordered a takeaway again. I hope they use AVA. The Indian restaurant, I've known a few.

There was one in an area of Birmingham called Shirley and there was an Indian restaurant there called the Shirley Temple, which was very excellent. And there's also a place called the Chat Room at C-H-A-A-T. You know, it's an Indian food. Oh, that's good. So, yeah, not scared of a pony,

Indian restauranters. So, yeah, I think drone Indian... If anyone's got any ideas for a drone Indian takeaway delivery service name, do send them in and we'll pass them on to Asif. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. So this was another story, wasn't it? Was it an American university that was doing robot food deliveries? It was the George Mason University, GMU. Oh, we used to have George Mason Fizzy Pop when I was a kid. I don't think it's probably not the same organisation.

Maybe it was from the lab at the George Mason. Oh, how possible. Working from the lab at the George Mason. Oh, how possible. Working in the lab lid one night at the George Mason. But they delivered with bots, which is safer, you would think. Do you remember Yobots? Oh, what was Yobots? Yobots were robots in Yo Sushi that used to have drinks on them.

And they would travel around. Do you remember them, Al? I remember yo-sushi. That was what I was remembering. They were a bit like... When we're saying, do you remember, like it was 1962, does it still exist, yo-sushi? Oh, I think so.

Oh, yeah. Okay. I hope that doesn't say... But how can I remember yo-sushi? Like you're i remember yo sushi spangles on their shares and that'll be uh bad news so yeah i used to love that though just having a robot it was a bit like um you've seen these robot lawn mowers that people have that in america no i've seen i mean uh there was one next door um i was living in... There was one next door. I was living in a flat

and someone next door used to just put them out on their lawn and they'd do the lawn, just leave them on their own. Oh, that's good. It is. It's Forest Green Rovers. Is it Rovers?

Forest Green, the Division 2 football team. Do you know them? I think they're based in Nailsworth in Gloucestershire. They are a sort of vegan football club. And they have, their pitch is kept, the grass is cut by robots that have solar panels and they cut the grass.

The whole place is, you can't get any, you can't buy meat at the ground, stuff like that. I think the lines on the pitch are done with hummus. That's good. Yeah, the whole place, though, it's a very interesting idea. So it's a similar thing. Pizzas delivered by robots, I worry about, because that's going to,

there's a time-honoured adult movie convention of the pizza delivery person, and that's going to be destroyed forever. I think one has to hold on to some of the old traditions. I mean, with the snack-run robot, which is, you know, that's the priority for the student population. Let's be honest about this. Yeah.

Increasingly less so these days. They cook whole meals and things, students, these days. And they don't just do tuna pasta bake. They do all sorts. Do they? I don't know any students anymore. Oh, do you not? Oh, God, no.

They whip up hollandaise sauce you know avocado branches don't they all i i didn't know that okay it's a long way from a pot noodle that's all i'm saying it's a long way from a pot noodle it would be a good catchphrase the idea behind this is that you obviously you get snacks so you get your skinny flat white or whatever you know within half an hour yeah yeah and you get your pizzas now i have i don't think this will make me very popular with students but i was never popular with students even when i was a student so i don't mind i do feel i have a view about this a little bit controversial things like takeaway coffees and pizzas I don't know I think you have to look forward to joining the workforce

to pay for those things I think it's a luxury we didn't have takeaway coffees Frank really? yeah we didn't did we? no but I don't think that when I was a student I don't think you could get takeaway anything

think the Flintstones if you're thinking about my student days. I would have taken a takeaway coffee if there was such a thing, but I don't know, they'd have been worried that only having pot to put the coffee in, that it might have fallen off the back of whatever creature was carrying you. I think it's a tremendous idea because it means if you're in the middle

of absolutely focused on an essay, you don't even have to look up, you just press the button and then a robot turns up with a Four Seasons at your door. And there's a lot to be said for that. Yeah. This is Frank Skaff. This is Absol Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. Oh, so... All this robot, though, and drone stuff, I've read many, many books, seen many, many films about robots, and a regular... You do surprise me. A regular trope is that they turn on their creators.

Do they always do that, the robots? Often. But it's going to go, you know, it is going to go wrong eventually. Someone told me that the most likely invading force to come to Earth would be robots

because distance wouldn't be an issue then. You wouldn't need air and food and all that for them. They can just, they're very, they're hardy. So someone to look forward to here on Absolute Radio, robot invasion. I don't mind if they bring pizza. My concerns were all about me ordering food and somebody else just

lifting it off the device as it was driving to my room that is another thing actually I hadn't thought of that at least with the drone it's a less seagulls plucking out the sky it's out of sight out of mind but this George Mason one I believe

the only things I read that it delivered were Dunkin' Donuts and let's say any donut company, and any pizza or coffee place where you buy coffee. But I do like a bit of tech. You know when you go to McDonald's now and you don't have to talk to the man. There's just a screen. And you can...

Do you know what I mean? No, I don't really want to talk to the man if I can avoid it. Or the lady. And you can just go to the screen and press... I really then do feel like I'm living in the... As you know, I've always been slightly angry that I was promised hover cars

and moving pavements as a child and they were never they never happened I love that you still you say the man because I told you one of my favorite David Beckham stories I heard from a friend of mine on a plane with him was when he said to I believe it was a young uh cruise he said you've got to behave or the man will get very angry with you and he'll come and take you off the plane. And I love the idea that David Beckham invokes the concept of the man, the malign man. Well, it's interesting.

When you're walking with a child through a narrow alley, for example, which I do, there's one on the way to my son's school, and if there's someone coming, I'll say, I'll let this lady get compassed. And some women don't look that happy about it they don't like being called the lady and I don't know what the problem is but they look at me a bit like you know hey and and I'm wondering it might be in the wrong things to describe a woman list. I think it's probably because you're wearing a cloak

and rubbing your hands with it saying, the lady. Yeah, that's it. And maybe I should wear something under the cloak in future. It's just that it's getting quite warm now in the mornings anyway. What about a big daddy tankini? I don't think I'd need that size. Nevertheless, so I think we've covered

most of the necessary ground today. Anyway, thank you very much for listening to us. Can I just have one of these just to cheer me up before I go? Go on. to us. Can I just have one of these just to cheer me up before I go? Hey! Brrr!

Woo! Oh, man, I can't hear what that does to me. It just really lifts me. Makes me so warm inside. Yeah, and outside. Okay, so thanks for listening. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. I slurred that a bit, but I think I got away with it.

Now get out.