The Frank Skinner Show - Space Dumplings

Episode Date: August 26, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the team are in Edinburgh and are joined by Chloe Petts. Frank's had a Beano-style injury, Pierre's had a flying saucer incident and Chloe's smashed it at karaoke.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Pierre Novelli and Chloe Pett, our guest today. Hello. You can text the show on 81215, follow us on X and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Good morning, Chloe. Hello. Do you recognise this? Oh, do I?

It's from The Private Life of Pets. Oh, of course. And it's actually called Meet the Pets. Oh, of course. And it's actually called Meet the Pets, that particular track. Here I am. Yeah. You should come on stage to that. It'd be great music to walk onto.

How many people do you think would get that, Frank? Four. Four? Well, that makes it worth it then, doesn't it? Lifetime or? Yeah. I do stuff that four people don't get in an audience. Four I regard as a sort of borderline hit. So, where we are, it's week, what is it, 19 of the Edinburgh

Festival. I'm so tired. They said it would be over by Christmas. No, that was World War I. You fool. Now it's still tremendous. I'm still seeing shows. I'm liking it. But my family came up this week and I remembered what was back home and that was bad.

You're supposed to forget about that and think you're some solitary figure who's never really got close to anyone when you're up here. What do you think is like the peak time that the Edinburgh Friends should be? Well, I... Depends who you are, I think. I think if you don't have family

back home, I think it could just be all the year round. Yeah, there's also a part of me that's like, we should all come up, do five minutes, and then go home. Our whole year should be judged on whether we can do a tight five. Off we pop. Back to London. I've never done a tight five in my life.

Have you not? No, I can't do a tight five. I try, and I do a tight eight. There's barely enough time to introduce yourself, really. I've seen American comics, and I've been on shows, and the producers come on and said, actually, we're running a bit tight, so I know you're booked for ten,

but could you do about eight and a half? And I've thought, oh, well, what's the difference? And I've seen American comics go on and do eight and a half. They are so professional. And, of course, when I say professional, I mean rubbish. Which is used. They are so professional. And of course, when I say professional, I mean rubbish. Which is, how are you? Because if you can do that, you

have no soul. And if you come off stage having just done a gig, the last thing you want is for someone to go, gosh, that was professional. Gosh, that was exactly the right time. That's a time. Yeah, I want my response mainly from the audience,

not from a timekeeper. Yeah, from an umpire. Yeah, that's no good. So, yeah, but I'm still... I'll tell you what I did this week. I went out for a bobble tea. Oh, Frank. Oh, I love bobble tea. Do you? Oh. Oh, Frank. Oh, I love bubble tea.

Do you? Oh, God, yes. God, well, this feels like a real sort of mixture of the high culture and the low. I'm not going to say which way round I think you and bubble tea are in terms of high and low culture. I can't imagine you with those bubbles in your mouth. Well, I don't think of them as bubbles.

I think of them as space dumplings. There's something about the texture of them which I think is pretty unique. Yes. And just the feeling of them in rows coming off the straw. Oh, like sort of peas in a moving pot. Oh, man.

There's so many of them as well. They don't skimp on the bubbles, do they? No, that's good, though. I'll tell you what was very annoying. I went to a place, a cafe. They're all over Edinburgh. They're called Black Sheep Coffee, I think it's called. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they put ice, a lot of ice, in the bubble tea. And then there are pockets in the ice where there are space dumplings trapped that you can't... I felt like a shepherd on a rocky hillside Buckets in the ice where there are space dumplings trapped. Yes. I felt like a shepherd on a rocky hillside who couldn't get some of his sheep because they'd gone on to ledges which I couldn't reach. I love this for you, though. I didn't have you down.

It's almost like the sort of orange juice with bits for the modern metrosexual man. I'm very impressed with this, Frank. Well, I think it's less healthy than orange juice. Yes. I don't know if the bitch should be made by some sort of machine. Yes, or made of pudding. I think it's...

I think it's a flavour-texture thrill, the whole thing. More of bubble tea, because I had a bubble tea incident. Oh, no. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Where was it? Oh, yes, I was having a bubble tea. We have to establish what flavour. Well, they're a bit limited in black sheep coffee.

I normally go when I go to my dentist across the road there is a bobolology yes and in bobolology two choices you have there you can really go to town I find if you go strawberry and passion fruit

you can create a sunset in a plastic cup a sunset blotted out by hundreds of alien craft. Well, exactly, if you can imagine that happening. Frank, is it like you have one flavour in the main body of liquid and then a second subsidiary flavour within the bubbles? Well, if you are gentle with your straw work,

you can maintain the separation between your two your two components which I love if you don't piss well if you're one of these people who goes in like

some people you know yeah they're roughing up the space dumplings with their yeah what so you can sort of

disturb the structural integrity of the space dumpling within before it's even hit your mouth yeah oh I don't like that well that's Yeah. Oh, I don't like that. Well, that's only done by fools.

I don't like ice generally, by the way. No. I never have ice in drinks, ever. I don't like it. It's just dilution pellets. Yes. And previously... Previously on the Frank Skinner Show.

Before shows in Edinburgh, I have to keep emphasising to the venue staff that I'm not asking for a pint of water for pleasure. No. It's lubrication. I need to hydrate myself. Yeah, exactly. The ice is a barrier to that.

Oh, ice on stage, that's a nightmare. Don't mention it ever again. The thing is with ice, because it's one of those things where you know you're being fooled as well. When someone says here's a big glass of drink and there's loads of icing. And that is what they say.

Are we supposed to think? That's what they say to me in a sort of here's a big glass of drink it's just a trouble we're growing Get it down. You pop your napkin down your front. And it's...

No, but you know those trick drinks where Benny Hill used to drink a pint of beer and then another pint of beer? And in fact, there's only a bit around the outside. Oh, yes, yes, yes. That's what happens when you put ice in a drink. You're basically giving you a trick glass that's got no liquid in it, hardly.

Anyway, my family had just arrived. Kath, my partner, and my son, Boz. And it was an emotional moment, but I don't know if you've ever had family arrive when you're up here, but you feel like you've been invaded a bit because you've become a solitary outsider figure, or I have. And suddenly there's like a domestic thing going on.

But I'm thinking, no, it's great to see them. And we went and we had a bubble tea. And Buzz, I don't know, he got one space dumpling that was a bit of an irregular diameter. Yeah. And it got a bit wedged in his straw. So in trying to shift it, he did a sort of a

Amazonian tribesman blowpipe. He did one of those. And it couldn't have been better. It hit me in my right eye. And it really hurt. I went down.

Basically, my elbows touched the table eye and it really hurt i went down i basically my elbows touched the table and it really hurt and i sort of did a melodramatic ah which everyone looked at yeah and he was like mortified yeah my partner um for some reason covered her whole face with her hands and seemed to be shaking, I think, with heavy laughter. Yes. And what you don't know, listener at home, is that Frank's eye has been dislodged in it now. It is just a space dumpling. It's a tiny little bubble. I felt the empty casing sliding down my chin

and I thought, is that the Spice Dumpling or my now empty eyeball? With vitreous and aqueous humour sliding down with it. What about that? Oh, I did like that. Yeah, but... I'll tell you what it did. Because of the sugar in a Spice Dumpling,

it stuck. It literally stuck my contact lens to my eye i couldn't get it out it was a fabulous shot it did all the damage required but then he started crying because i was upset and i started crying because there was a spice dumpling in my eye and cat started crying because she was laughing so much so that was my that was my dining out experience

at the end of it not only I've been trying to wipe the sugar off my face to stop everything and in the end my fingers were

physically sticking together from I was blind and webbed blind and webbed. Blind and webbed, I think, could be a pulp novel. Yes. With me on the front at a cafe table looking distressed. Yes, it's a deeply unsettling new double act with the Fringe.

Yes. Hello, I'm Geoff Blind and I'm Mike Webbed. And we are... Well, speaking of cafes, Frank, I had a sort of... Well, I had a spotting of a flying saucer. A flying saucer sighting. Okay. But the least exciting version of that.

Oh. Put your guns down. It's like we don't want a sort of invasion from Mars radio I was just doing my welcome aliens sign do you remember that in Independence Day

when there's guys on top of the Empire State Building welcome aliens they just completely zap them from space but imagine if

this was like what was that Orson Welles thing yes exactly War of the Worlds War of the Worlds and everyone great craft

is opening up yeah Frank Skinner's show on Absolute Radio has broken that there are exactly War of the Worlds War of the Worlds and everyone a great craft is opening up yeah Frank Skinner's show on Absolute Radio has broken that there are UFOs I think it's a myth

the Orson Welles do you think it's marketing when it started everyone thought there was a real alien invasion I have heard

a million different actors doing vox pops or pretending that they're being interviewed in a real situation. And it takes about 0.4 of a second to think, no, this is an actor, isn't it, doing it? Yeah. I just don't think anyone thought when he went,

there are aliens have been spotted. And I think you think, no, that's not a newsreader, that's an actor. It's a great myth. Oh, it's a great myth. And it's nice to sort of look at I think you think, no, that's not a newsreader, that's an actor. It's a great myth. Oh, it's a great myth. And it's nice to sort of look at the past and think, oh, those thick people didn't know what was going on.

Yes, yes, that's true. But I can do that with Nixon. I don't need to do it with Eileen in Patience. Anyway. Well, I was sitting in a cafe and it's a busy Edinburgh cafe, you know, high to the fringe, and the sort of...

Do you want some busy Edinburgh cafe sound effect? Oh, yes, please. Oh, yeah. Here we go. This was exactly the atmosphere. Come on, let's hear it. That'd be a piece of tablet you're wanting with your tea, dear. Oh, thank you very much.

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant atmosphere. Yeah, delightful. And in the middle of this Gaston in Beauty and the Beast style revelry, the waitress had stacked up a lot of crockery. She'd gone ambitious with clearing the tables. You know, get them in, get them out. And a sort of tourist- looking guy came into the cafe. The way that people come in when they're sort of, they're sort of looking almost at the roof, like they've landed on

an alien planet in Star Trek. They're sort of a bit dazed as if to say, well, what could this room possibly be for? Steam and the clinking of the cutlery. Oh, and why is that man holding his eye? His tiny little black eye. Exactly. And as he walked in, the waitress sort of made an attempt to get by him with her sort of overflowing stacks of crockery,

and a saucer clattered to the floor. Now, hold on, because the Tam O'Shanter has landed. I think that's a great cliffhanger. What happens next? OK, here it comes. Saucergate, we'll call it. Continuing the Nixon theme. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So this saucer clatters to the floor like a dinner gong and the cafe in general sort of turns to look to see if it didn't shatter. And the man, it fell basically at his feet. And the waitress was too overburdened to stop and deal with it so she had to keep going to her station. And he sort of looked at it as it sort of spun to a halt at his feet. And then he looked up and continued his magical journey to the rear of the cafe.

Right. And everyone sort of, there was a sense of everyone going, you could have picked that up. You look directly at it and sort of as if to say, gosh, a saucer. And then kept walking. And then the man's, I presume, partner, certainly a lady he was with, followed him and in a sort of embarrassed way picked up the saucer and delivered it to the waitress at his station

while he continued in blissful ignorance. You see, I'm going to offer a defence of this man. It's just like 12 angry men. I was once walking down a street in Smethwick in the West Midlands and an old lady, I would say a woman in her late 70s, suddenly lost her balance and fell over right in front of me, slammed onto the pavement in a great sort of cloud of mentholiptus dust.

And when you turned her over, a single bubble tea bubble in her eye. The shot had been meant for you. But this is what I did. So there was Buzz. I could just see Buzz putting a straw back in an assassin's case a straw that broke down it's separate

it's screwed down into three separate sections so she fell in front of me this old lady and I just stepped over her and kept walking right so where's the defence Frank? I haven't gone to the defence, Frank? I forgot the defence, yeah.

My point is, and I could hear, I sensed behind me people, I could hear footsteps of people running to her aid. Yes. And people saying, a bit like you did, look, it just didn't stop and all that. And it was just too close to me and too sudden for me to have my decision making time by the time i'd stepped over i felt the moment had gone and that's why i think the wife or the partner picked it up because she had that extra couple of seconds to assess

but sometimes it's just too much. So you're arguing for almost a sort of, the momentum had carried you forwards, and by the time it had carried you forwards and you'd absorbed the weight of the incident, you'd gone. I'm on about the old lady falling in front of me. There was something that was,

it had happened rather than it was happening. But I feel like the shock of an old lady falling is less frequent than, you know, a waiter dropping something. So I feel like that should have been in his wheelhouse to sort of deal with. Whereas I understand if an old lady drops in front of you, there's not a

precedent for what you do there. You're shocked for a moment and then obviously the second thought would be, I must help this old lady. Yeah, Too late, I've stepped over her. But yeah, I feel like the man, I'm going to say it,

he sounds like a chauvinist to me. I think my view on this would be very different if the saucer had... If you weren't a chauvinist yourself. Yes. If I believed that everyone was the same. I haven't heard the word chauvinist yourself. Yes. I believe that everyone was the same.

I haven't heard the word chauvinist for years. I'm going to say I risked that one. I risked that one. I'm not exactly sure what it means. I think I might start calling you one of them women's libbers. Please do. It would be an honour, Frank. It's a shame.

It feels like such a modern phenomenon there's already words that are out of date for it but I think my view would be different if the saucer had clattered to a halt

even a metre away or just off a different table or something because then you go oh well that's part of the background activity of the cafe that's nothing to do with me

but because she'd been she'd walked across his path and the saucer clattered to a halt between his very toes between his feet rather I can see I see your

I just think it's very easy to be judgy in these situations oh I love it can we get into his psychology can we psychoanalyse him in the next bit Frank

what all all I remember thinking was that old lady was a lot higher horizontal than I expected her to be. Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. In terms of your incident in the cafe, Frank, Ruth Jordan gets in touch. Of course.

Of course. And asks, is Frank sure that this space dumpling shot into the eye incident wasn't something he just read in the Beano? And there was a powerful Beano aspect to you. Yeah. Yeah, there is, but sometimes life goes Beano. This is your new book. Remember I was chased by a bull once in a field.

That's true. And I had to, I literally ran, I had my, my hands were full of Christmas shopping, Chloe, so I couldn't,

I couldn't wrestle, I couldn't wrestle with it. Otherwise, I would have just took it by the horns and overturned it, obviously. But I literally ran,

you know those styles you get in the fields? I literally ran up the fence without using my hands, which I didn't think I was capable of. That's pretty impressive. Am I going to ask the backstory for why you were in a field with Christmas shopping being chased by a bull?

Presumably in a black and white jumper followed by your dog called Gnasher? No, I was in, I was living at Warwick University at the time and I'd been doing my Christmas shopping in Kenilworth and then I went to a pub on my own and drank for about four hours and it was dark on the way home. Say no more, it all makes sense now.

But I remember thinking as I sat in the other field I can hear the bull still, you know, and I remember thinking, if I died, no one would take this seriously, and the obituary would have to be in the Beano. Sometimes life goes Beano and death. Exactly, yeah. You don't want that.

Yeah. I mean, yes, being shot in the eye by a sort of a pea shooter, is what they always call them. I suppose it is a sort of a pea shooter. Although, Buzz owns a pea shooter and a friend said, oh, I'd love one of those. And he went on eBay, he was going to get him one, and went on the internet.

And they've suddenly been classed as offensive weapons, pea shooters. But we can see why, because you're seeing this as like Buzz doing some kind of accident. He's clearly been practising with his pea shoes. That is possible. You turn the back of his door around, there'll be a dartboard with your face on it and he's hitting the eye, the right eye

every single time. There'll be an eye that's just clustered. Yeah. I think you've got a sportsman on your hands. On your hands, Frank. But is there an Olympic pea-shooting event? Not yet. But when you said some of the rifle things, events, there are people like me in the Olympics.

Just old guys turn up with a big rifle and win gold medals. Does it make any sense? No. You could win gold medals for poetry at one time in the Olympics. Really? Yeah. And art and some sculpture. I don't mean millions of years ago.

I mean, like, in the 20s. Yeah. No way. Yeah. We should bring that back. How would you do doping for poetry? Oh, yeah. This is artificial melancholy.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah. But I think we should also do sort of like triathlons and duathlons where we make like people do athletic stuff, like they have to run 100 metres and then at the end they recite a poetry and you're sort of judged.

Oh, that would be good. You're judged on both, yeah. Not so much the Iron Man competition, but the Aluminium Man. Slightly lighter and more silvery. There was an event where you had to fall into a swimming pool flat out and you couldn't kick or do anything with your arms and it was how far you could go along the water before you just sank.

Began to thrash. That was an offence. Yeah, I mean, I did that in Ibiza last summer. It sounds like I could have a go on that one. What's happened? Is that the end of the link?

Well, that doesn't make any sense. I've lost all sense of time and space. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Pierre Novelli and Chloe Petz is with us this morning. You can text the show on 81215. Follow us on X and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk.

Meet the Peds. Flamin' it. Woo! Lovely. Chloe, we were all talking about Edinburgh. How would you describe your Edinburgh this year? Largely good, actually. I've had a really nice time.

I feel like I sort of never judge it on the shows. I judge it on the social aspect. And the social aspect has been absolutely fantastic. That's a safer way. I think so. Less of a rollercoaster. Yeah, but I also think you sort of, you leave yourself open to disaster.

Because last week, last Sunday, I had a big night out and I did this, Ivo Graham runs this DJ battle thing where it's basically like you get paired up with another comedian so I was paired up

with Anya Magliano and you get given a category so ours was like the first letter of our names and you have to choose three songs

that fit that category and you sort of compete against each other. But I've always... What do you you mean in a sort of lip sync challenge or something like that no no no you just play the songs and then oh i say and who the audience will sort of cheer who they think chose better okay i find that idea terrifying this is utterly alien have you not done it yet no i would be too afraid to do it, I've seen you in the club and it's like everyone's dancing and you're just sort of there waiting for someone to throw to you if we need a philosophical treatise or something.

I'm there like a sort of intellectual bouncer. Yeah, yeah. If there's no signal in the club, we use Pierre as Google. What's the best way home the great thing is that Pierre looks like a bouncer but he's got

all that going on when we were when I was doing tour support for Frank and I've got a big sort of

black waterproof jacket that's very security-ish often before asking for a photo in a sort of services

they would sort of visually check in with me. Is it okay to approach, Frank? Yeah, don't take me down. My favourite thing is being in a comedian's car show with you, Pierre. You're always on top of my list. You and Garrett Millerick, I love being in a car with

because I'll sit in the back, you two will sit at the front, and then I'll just say something, and then you'll be like, oh, yes, I read about this on The Economist. And then I just listen for about 15 minutes and I don't have to do anything. It's lovely. It sounds awful.

No, it's great. It's like having a live podcast. Some people just use radio at four. I was in a comedian car once. And one guy was saying that he'd had a really bad gig and he couldn't work out what had gone wrong

and all that on the way back from a gig this was and another comic said I only ever see you have bad gigs you've had bad gigs as long as I can remember you'll always have bad gigs and after've had bad gigs as long as I can remember. It's sort of thing like you'll always have bad gigs.

And after that, there was about 120 miles of complete silence for the whole journey. Oh my God. I mean, it was just, in the end, you sort of get over it

and you just start thinking about other things. But speech felt, even for comics who love, you know, bursting bubbles, obviously not in bubble tea but um yeah it was just well it was true was one of the big problems i one of my favorite car journeys was again with pierre and garrett we were on maybe like a six to eight hour round trip

and we were maybe like five hours in um like on the way back and i felt like conversation was sort of slowly dying just because we were so tired not because we didn't we didn't want to be chatting i can see pierre looks affronted and the idea that could happen in a car where he was sorry i'm an intellectual um and then what happened was gar Garrett received a call which he took on the speaker, the car speaker, and someone gave us an update on the gossip between a lawsuit between two different comedians, and it was the best gift I think anyone would give. Oh, wow.

That's true. It was like a sort of air ambulance had arrived and dropped supplies. And we were like, well right that's the final two hours sort of fantastic we've had a tweet from Cool Ski

who says as in one word like Cool Ski like the S has been capitalised so oh I see fair enough who says just googled bobble tea As in one word, like Koolski. The S has been capitalised, so... Oh, I see. Fair enough.

Who says, just googled bubble tea, it seems that it's bubble tea. It is bubble tea, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. I think they're prodding your accent. Oh, I see. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha.

I'm excited for Koolski and their journey of discovering bubble tea. Yeah? Yeah, I feel like that's an exciting one for everyone to get on board with. It's spreading across the nation. It is. I think it is. I think it's one of the, you know, the last two, three, four, whatever it is, five years. One of the big social changes in this country.

Where do you think will be the final holdout against bubble tea? Or lacking rather than against? Cumbria. Yes, or Anglesey. I thought you meant, I think we'll get to a final point of saturation where the bubble is so big it's just the cup.

Oh, yeah. Or maybe you don't need a cup. Yeah. You just have one big bubble just take the bubble holding it as it wobbles in your hands back to your table then you they've made the string the skin so strong you can just put the the straw through it and then and then just discard the skin like one mitre coconut shell we We've just invented the Capri Sun. There you go.

Horrifyingly edible Capri Sun. But within the giant bubbles, drinking from within it, would there be smaller bubbles and ad infinitum? Oh, that's a good point. It'd be like one of those mirror things where the images disappear into the distance. Bubble-ception, yeah. Yeah, I like that.

Would we split the bubble? Like Einstein and the distance. Bubble-ception, yeah. Yeah, I like that. Would we split the bubble? Like Einstein and the atom. You know what happened then? Bubbleheimer? Bubble. It's just a matter of time. Can I say, I went to see a show yesterday called POOF, P-O-O-F. And it was an American performer, actor.

And they were playing a fairy in full fairy outfit with, you know, wand. And I really liked it. It was one of those play one-person things where you just thought, my heart is warming to this. And there were seven people in there. I just, I wanted to go out into the streets. And I've seen people do it in Edinburgh and say, come and see this show. And after about 10 minutes, a woman came in with two children. And I thought, hmm, I wonder if this is a child friendly

show, because it was very life affirming, but it was also, you know, real. And she sat with the two kids. They had a big tray of chips with tomato ketchup on it, which they were eating. Bear in mind, this is like a 200-seater with seven people in it they've walked into. And on stage, the performer registers and says, Oh, welcome, welcome. Inside, you can tell he's going, get out!

And they sit eating their chips, and she, after about five minutes, just sits on her phone. The light is flashing in the side. And then about 15 minutes before the end, they just leave, leaving the chips on the bench and I just thought it can be a cruel place, Edinburgh

can't it? So if you're in Edinburgh this weekend go and see Poof, don't let it go away and not witness it but it's that sign, it's alright for us guys with our crowds pouring in every night. But it's just injustice, the terrible injustice.

And I never normally feel like robbing children's chips in their faces. I know, sorry, I've just, that was supposed to be internal. supposed to be internal. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I had to stop my show the other day

because my voice went in the last 10 minutes and I had to kind of go like, I need to tend to this medical emergency. Oh, wow. Is that how you phrased it on stage?

Stop the show. I said, everyone, stop. I'm having a medical emergency. And then I had to have loads of drink. Here's a big cup of drink, you thought to yourself. I'm just having one big cup of drink. And once I got through all the bubbles, I was able to sort of restart.

What happened? Did you go off stage? No, no. I just said, guys, I'm going to have to level with you. The audience watched you medicate yeah but it was it's always that kind of like

that weird scenario on stage where I feel like I'm always quite in control but then there's the bit where you're drinking

and they're just staring at you and you're just thinking everyone here thinks I'm an absolute idiot I hate even that moment when you go over and have a quick slurp out of your pint of water glass.

That silence to me feels unbearable. Yeah. It lasts for about a thousand years. Yeah. I hate, and what I've started doing is going, so I thought, I'm still with you. We're still connected. You can't go.

I feel like I work out in the first week where my big laughs are and when my drink breaks can come. So at the end of my wedding routine, I'm thinking, oh, I'm going to have a lovely sip. Oh, you see,

I just do it when I'm thirsty. Oh, really? That old method. You are a traditionalist. Yeah. So people keep telling me. What was the emergency? Was it like that sort of weird itch that you get in your throat sometimes?

Yeah, and I was like, I'm just going to cough and cough and cough, and I can't. And I was trying to just get through to a big punchline, and then you can take a sip. But I was like, I know where the big punchline is is and i'm too far away from it to get my sip and then i sort of did a survey of the audience and i said surely every single person you now see in this last week of fringe has this cough and everyone was like yeah every so i just think i don't understand why people come in the last week of fringe because they're seeing absolute husks of performers trying to deliver their show.

And I also get this thing where when I, the last week of Edinburgh, I don't get nervous and that means that any filter in my brain that stops me spouting out absolute drivel

is just gone. And I feel like they just see like, the other day I spent 10 minutes trying to guess the name of, the names of men in the front row. And at one point I just went, is this entertainment? And everyone was like, no.

No, just do your show. But see, that to me is where the gold is. I mean, it did get funny eventually after I'd done The Fifth Man. There's a thing called Vegas Throat. Oh. It's a Star Wars character. Elfies. Elfies, you've cleaned that one up a bit. Throat. Oh. Which, it's a Star Wars character. Elvis, Elvis,

you've cleaned that one up a bit. It's, Elvis had it and lots of people who do long runs at Vegas, it's because of the

proximity of the desert that the air is very dry in Vegas and eventually the combination of that

and performing. I think I've got air con throat. Oh, I went on one night, the only time I've had any throat problems with karaoke throat is when my son was up, and we tried And I Love Her on his phone on karaoke, you know, the Beatles song? And there's a bit that goes,

This love of ours will never die. You don't want to be up there just before a gig. And it was an unfriendlier key than that. But it's no good going on the audience thinking he's a bit croaky and me saying, yeah, you know, it's that middle eight in And I Love Her. They're not interested in those kind of technicalities. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

We have a bit of a karaoke queen in the room. Mary is with us this morning, helping out, because we're a bit short on numbers this week. What with the rail strike and all that, Mr. Hobes. And, um, she does a mean Elvis this week, what with the rail strike and all that, Mr. Hobes. And she does a mean

Elvis impression, I'm told. Really? As in a good one of a cruel Elvis. She featured on the show last week as we went to see Andrea Spisto. Spisto, yes. And she

made Mary complete part of her show she played air bass on stage she was a named

character Michael totally featured and now she's in this show I'm quite offended that when you said karaoke

queen my my face lit up and then you said Mary because Frank I got some pipes in my locker you know I say I don't doubt

I have no idea what you've got in your locker we are in Scotland so most people have got pipes in their locker I think I'm sensational at karaoke if I'm honest because I think I've got that perfect blend of

I'm not good enough that people feel intimidated or annoyed, but I'm just good enough that they're surprised. Do you know what I mean? I'm a little bit impressive. Yes. Oh. That's, yeah. Pets has got something.

I don't know if you're aware of the British comedian Max Bygraves. Max Bygraves had a TV show and various albums called Sing Alonger Max. And they'd say he's got a tremendous gift for getting a crowd to sing along, you know, his beautiful community singing. But his gift was that he wasn't that good. So they weren't menaced by trying to match his singing.

So they weren't menaced by trying to match his singing. I was talking to a professional singer, Alison Moyet, when I say professional, I mean a good term, and she's supporting Southend United. And I think when she sang, some of the fans around her dipped out of the chant because she was too good Was she sort of trying to work up like a sort of choral desk camera or something?

The thing is I don't know if she could sing in a woo way I think she was just naturally her voice came out beautiful and people were intimidated The emotion of who are you really came through. Yes. You could see the referee thinking, who am I?

But you sound like you've got it in exactly the right spot. Yeah, I think it's fantastic, Frank. What's your first weapon that you go for? My first weapon is I'll do The Best by Tina Turner. Oh. Because what it is is, obviously she sings it in an extraordinary way, but it is like one note just across the whole song.

So it's sort of quite easy for you to have a go at. And what I find is you get the verses to yourself and then you get the big chorus where everyone joins in so you keep everyone kind of engaged so it looks it looks it's simultaneously like narcissistic and philanthropic as a i always thought that's a song that needed some crossing out in it it feels like we've got the first draft you're simply the best okay that's established you're better than all the rest well yeah that that's established. You're better than all the rest. Well, yeah, that's the same thing.

As above. You're better than anyone. Yeah, so it's like multiple choice opening line. But then you get one of the most beautiful lines in music, which is, I hang on every word you say. Well, why if I'm not the best? Ah, Tina. We miss her.

So, other shows I've seen this week, I went to see Barry Potter. Barry Potter, guess what that is. Frank, can I just ask, what's your method of deciding what you're going to see? Because it's the most sort of slapdash collection I've ever heard. It differs. With Poof, Adrian Childs was in Edinburgh

interviewing the woman who wrote, Sally Wainwright, at the television festival. And his wife is a big friend of the performer from Poof. So that's how I went on that one. And with Barry Potter, my son was up and he loves Harry Potter. So he says, let's go and see. And he loves magic. I've given it away now

so Barry Potter is a magician God we never would have guessed I think it was forced his act into a Harry Potter shaped mould and did some, I'm so impressed by magic

I should be invited to every magic show there's ever been because I get he starts off, he gets a woman on stage and he gives her a golden snitch which I don't know if you know is part of the part of the Quidditch game and she has to put her hands behind

the back, the old thing and then come out and he has to guess which hand this tiny thing is in and he does it four out of four four out of four so by then i'm completely one over that this man is in league with the devil frank is this is this your barometer of what good magic is because yeah i think i could probably do that during the next song we'll try that okay try it we'll try that so you you feel like in the in the terms of a magic show audience you take on the role of sort of credulous villager

um yeah i i'm just the perfect i just i'm so impressed by magic in all its that's very sweet in all its forms even though i have say, a lot of his actual banter was, I would call, sob cracker. Not as in the Robbie Coltrane series, but as in the thing that one pulls apart with a bang. But I feel like our barometer for what good jokes are now

is possibly too high. Like, when I go to musicals, I absolutely love musicals, but I'll sort of watch and think, oh, I would have loved to have got hold of that script and done a little punch-up. Oh, yeah, we've all done that. Give me hairspray.

Give me hairspray, I'll do a punch-up. Theatre humour. I imagine you're also thinking I could have sung that better. Oh, of course. Of course I could play Tracy Turnblad. If there's any musical theatre producers out there, please give me a call. Well, of course. Of course I could play Tracy Turnblad. If there's any musical theatre producers out there, please give me a call. Well, and they might.

You know what happened? I interviewed Andrew Lloyd Webber and he said, I'm looking for a new idea. And a woman found up and said, I've been working on The Woman in White as a musical. And it became a musical. Oh, right.

Just because he'd said that on my chat show. I used to have a chat show, Chloe, before you were born. We can pitch the Life of Riley, the documentary of... Yeah, there will be. That will happen. It will be called The Life of Riley. And I'd be willing to play her. Okay, fair enough.

Can I be Jimmy Carr? Can you do the laugh? No, I think the prosthetics will be ours. A car is born. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Pierre Novelli and Chloe Petz.

You can text the show on 8-12-15. Follow us on X and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email us via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. We haven't had many this morning, have we? Is it because we're a bit further away? Is that how email works yes they'll all arrive in about an hour we did an experiment during

that break Chloe Pet who's something of a braggart we found out from a discussion of karaoke as opposed to a boggart then turned and dismissed Barry Potter's four out of four hand spots that she could do that

during the brag so i went i'll tell you what i did i need to return this i picked up a key from the toilet here at radio fourth where we're um where we're lodging while we're in Edinburgh. And this was the toilet roll key. Ah. You know the bar that you... They are thrifty in Scotland, aren't they? The bar that goes through the toilet roll is locked here so that no one can steal the toilet paper. Or replace it.

Yeah. Well, I suppose the keeper of the... Well, the key was in there anyway. I don't understand any of it. Anyway, I must replace it because I don't want to lock out the toilet paper, as it were. You know, that old tradition,

that old Hogmanay tradition. It'll be a good year if the toilet paper is locked out. But anyway, Chloe Pett then chose which hand I was holding the toilet roll key and she failed three out of four. Yeah, I don't like the person that I am this morning. I feel like all I'm doing is undermining the talents of other people. I'm like, it's easy to be a singer. It's easy to be a magician.

And it's not any of those things. It's very hard to do those things. It's a John Noakes approach. John Noakes was a Blue Peter presenter before your time. And he used to go and do a different person's job every week. And I saw an interview with him.

He was something like he'd cleaned Nelson on the top of Nelson's column. He'd done an industrial clean and he was in his harness. And he said, I don't know what it is with me, really. But, you know, I just go into people's jobs and things that it's taken them years to learn, I can learn in like five minutes. Wow! into people's jobs and things that it's taken them years to learn i can learn in like five minutes wow but i've never related harder to a person in my life anyway um at one point he calls for a volunteer and he chooses my partner kath who is the least keen on being in the spotlight person you could imagine. We've been offered family fortunes, Mr and Mrs, even relative values in, is it the Sunday Times where they do that?

She won't do any of them. And anyway, it's very hard not, if he says, this lady, this lovely lady in the spectacles, although he did have this habit of saying, I really like this very lovely lady, and then look around for another minute to decide which one it was. And thus he devalued loveliness. But anyway, he got her up on stage,

which I couldn't believe had happened. And he had some 8x12s of various characters from Harry Potter which he was going to predict which one she'd chosen, etc, etc. But it reminded me, the very first time I came to Edinburgh, I went to see Julian Clary and I was chosen as his stooge. Ah. And as we said, Mary's on the show today. And I just, have you ever been called up on stage?

Have you? Yes, once. Well, just hold it and we'll find out what happened after this little baby Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio I who me yes so

we've got a text in from 286 regarding being brought on stage yes has anyone out there been called up on stage as a... They used to call them stooges. I don't know if they're called that anymore. Sort of volunteer in the least true sense of the word. Well, you say volunteer.

Exactly. So, go on, what did they say? 286 says, when I was a child... I like it so far. Yeah. I was picked out of the stalls with a load of others to get on stage with David Essex and do a dance at a performance of Robinson Crusoe at Newcastle's Theatre Royal.

Wow. Got a little chocolate bar at the end. Nice. All of them got that, do you think? I think so. Or did they have to fight over it as part of this show? They just threw it into the middle of the kids and they just scrapped. Lord of the Flies style aspect to Robinson Crusoe.

Now that you are all on the island, there is only one chocolate bar. See, people remember it forever. So you were once called up here. Yes, but it wasn't necessarily in a whimsical or nice way. Oh. Well, it was interesting. I had gone to watch a live recording of the podcast

We Have Ways of Making You Talk, which Al Murray and James Holland, the historian, host. Oh, okay. And James Holland, being an incredibly detail-oriented man, had written lots of interesting things, interesting to me, about the various uniforms of the sides of the Second World War and the effect that they had on the...

Blimmin' it. Yeah, I know, I know. This is him at the club. This is me. I had my zipper lighter in the air. I was waving it. One more fact. One more fact.

That's what I chanted at the end. Throwing his underwear at the hosts. As a sidebar here Pierre mentioned earlier a thing called hot hands

which could you could you sum it up quickly in the NBA in basketball in America there's this idea of hot hands

and when a player is doing well or scoring frequently or is on a roll basically that they have hot hands and should be passed to more because they've got this sort of on a roll basically that they have hot hands and should be passed to more

because they've got this sort of on a roll thing happening to them yeah and a bunch of people did a big analysis of the stats and found that it's not statistically true you see that is one of the things that really makes me angry because there's loads of stuff in football about things like home advantage and whether a team who equalises in the last minute is more likely to win after extra time. And those are things that have been held for years as truths. And then in recent times many statisticians have gone

and just spoiled it for everyone although I thought home advantage was proved that might be one of them

but there's many things that people have always thought that have just gone but I think

we're also in a stage where like things can be proved absolutely empirically, but people will still insist on being like, no, I disagree with that, just on a vibe.

Yeah, but I don't want to be that guy either. What I want, I've always said this, there's only two good conversations to be had, say, in a public house, and that is where no one knows what they're talking about or where everyone knows what they're talking about. But one bad apple who knows what they're talking about or where everyone knows what they're talking about. But one bad apple who knows what he's talking about can ruin a whole group.

Yeah, Pierre. Pierre also Googles a lot. Stop reading, Pierre. Oh, absolutely. So I offer a poetic interpretation of some historical event. And then Pierre says, well, actually, it was only 9,400 people. You've got that absolutely correct. It's like there's two of them.

Wow. The director, Werner Herzog, said, someone accused him of doing a documentary with sort of faked shots or kind of exaggerating something. And he said, I present the sublime truth and not the accountant's truth.

So you can say that from now on. What about when I saw a Scottish historian at the book festival in Edinburgh and he was talking about the Scottish Enlightenment, the Edinburgh Enlightenment in the 18th century, and someone said, could there be another Edinburgh Enlightenment, the Edinburgh Enlightenment in the 18th century. And someone said, could there be another Edinburgh Enlightenment? And he said,

the future has not made period. Oh, yeah. Shot down in flames. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Have we heard from, I think what's known as Le Monde El Fresco? We certainly have. Simon F. has sent in a tweet.

David Schneider got me up on stage as part of his stand-up act. Oh. I thought I'd be safe being quite far back, but he wove his way through the audience to pick me out. Oh, no, that's not right. Because I think, David Schneider is a very good friend of mine, but I've always think people come to the front

because they want to be in the show, generally speaking. Although sometimes, you know those people that don't laugh at all for the whole show and everyone else is collapsing. They do tend to, they want to be seen to be not enjoying it, I think. They feel like sometimes they've come to sort of inspect you.

Do you think so? I think sometimes people just don't know how to be an audience member. And I also think, particularly at the Edinburgh Fringe, where it's like fill up from the front, you can be like an unsuspecting sort of front row member. And they're the ones that they don't seem to be laughing because they're just too busy being scared. And to be honest, I don't help with that because i do shout at the front row quite a lot well i last time i was up here i met a woman i'd watched her all night not laughing

in the third row i mean really, really not, not really moving. I started to think it was like Banquo's ghost and she wasn't really there. It was an empty seat. Someone who'd sat there in the 1920s. Anyway, the next day she said, I was at your show last night. And I thought, oh, here we go. And she said, oh man, it was just hilarious.

I said, you were in the third row? And she said, oh, man, it was just hilarious. I said, you were in the third row? And she said, yeah. I said, but you didn't laugh once. I never saw you laugh. She said, yeah, other people have said that to me. I just, I don't know. I think it's just that the laughing isn't, like, visible. That's mad.

And I thought, I'm going to hold on to that. I'm going to hold on to that I'm going to hold on to that and apply it to all those monstrous people you reacted like Scrooge sprinting through the streets at last I have an out exactly

there's still time it's not always it's no laughing matter of course of course It's not always miserable. It's no laughing matter. Of course, of course. Mr. Screw going by a fine goose. My boy, turns out it's not always miserable. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had someone write in with quite beautiful language, actually,

about when their, and I quote, beautiful wife was called up to assist with a performance. So this is from Chris Jennings, and he says, Of course. Now there's a book called Jennings and he says some years ago of course some years ago there's a book called Jennings of course

about Jennings the sort of public school boy we've kept up the tradition of when I come on this show of me understanding

about 20% of your references but you always explain them so wonderfully I did say hashtag orcs earlier

just to make you feel at home just to make me feel at home back in 2010. Some years ago, we took the family to the Fringe Festival in Edinburgh. Wandering around the streets, we came across a large gathering watching a guy on stilts. Within a blink of an eye, Mullet Man, a New Zealand daredevil, had selected my beautiful wife in her green fleece jumper

to assist him in his act. Reluctantly, she was dragged to the centre where she had a teddy bear snatched from her hand with a long whip. I'm into that. Wow. Wow, that's a special... That's unlocked something within me. His main stunt, though, was to juggle a wrench sword

and flaming torch whilst at the top of his stilts. Kate, the beautiful wife's one job was to pass him the items by throwing them up. Mullet Man told her she was expletive as after giving clear instructions to flick the handle towards him when throwing them up, she failed and he cut his hand on the sword. There was blood and then he scorched himself

with the burning torch. My wife was actually traumatised by the whole ordeal and honestly didn't sleep for the next two nights. I wonder though, you know sometimes as a comedian when you do like those air quotes, improvisations that are the same every night. He probably did the same thing.

Just a bit of fake blood. Maybe. It was just his thing. Well see this is another case of a myth being exposed by that kind of reasoned argument. I like that story because it fitted into my view that the beautiful are hopeless at everything. They have no cause to be good at throwing knives at mullet mans.

They're beautiful and that's it. Also, I don't like the teddy bear being under the whip. Oh, well, that's too close to your test, isn't it? Yeah, I used to test people, Chloe. I'll try this on you. I would say to someone I was becoming close to, would you be able to knock a nail into a teddy bear's face? And if they could, you know, being based on it being an animal,

I think that person doesn't have the level of compassion and warmth that I want close to me. I feel like you probably ruined some very fruitful relationships by that hypothetical. Could you do it? I'm not going gonna answer that question now but that feels to me like have you ever heard the discourse around um uh girlfriends asking partners um would you love me if i was a worm no yes this is a meme it's quite a meme thing so it's

like imagine you're like laying next to your partner, you know, having sort of a cuddly moment in bed. And then often the girlfriend will turn to often the boyfriend and say, would you love me if I was a worm? And if the man says no, then they say, well, you clearly don't love me enough then. That is sort of started as a joke or meme or something, and it's become a reference point. It's sort of Kafkaesque as well, the idea of metamorphosis. I once, this is a clean story, but I was once in bed with a lady. And I, in the middle of the night, you know, you roll over.

And I rolled, so my bat was facing it, and I heard her say, huh, charming. Oh, my. And I thought, this, this cannot work. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio.

Absolute radio. Regarding being taken up on stage, 251 gets in touch and says, me and my sisters once went to see the Blues Brothers at a local theatre. We were told everyone dresses up like the Blues Brothers. So we did. We were the only ones dressed like the Blues Brothers. They then got us up on stage at the end to dance with them.

Mortified, Rachel and Sheffield. Did I tell you when i had to judge judge best costume i misread that frank mortified rachel oh sorry mortified rachel would be quite a good stage name it would be good wouldn't it very stiff it's a bit like moaning myrtle isn't it yeah um i i i once judged best costume at a um sound uh late night Sound of Music sing-along. Of course. And there were two Nazis in the audience. Oh, no, I was going to say.

All Nazi uniform. And all I could think to say was, how did you get here? We marched. They said to us, we got the tube. I said, no, you can't have got the tube! So, anyway. To be fair to you, if you were dressed like that and you got into a packed tube carriage,

the temptation to say, papers, please! Down the end of it. Down the whole carriage. Well, obviously, having asked me to do it, they knew that the nons were going to be the favourites. Oh, of course. So I went for two nones. Yes, so look, Chloe, it's been great having you on.

And often when people are on, I think we should plug their stuff. And I know you're all sort of coy. But yes, what are you up to that we can come and see Chloe Pett doing? Well, that's very, very kind of you, Frank. If you are currently at the Edinburgh Fringe, then I have one extra show that there are a few tickets left for tonight at 10.30. That's at the Pleasance Courtyard. It's my show, if you can't say anything nice.

I've been having the most fantastic time performing it. I'm having a lovely time. That's nice. nice i've been having the most fantastic time performing it i'm having a lovely time that's nice and if you couldn't catch it here then i'm doing it at the soho theater from monday the 30th of october to saturday the 4th of november and i feel like when you do soho theater after you've done your edinburgh run it almost feels like the sort of the fun victory lap that's like the reward after doing this big marathon. I love doing Soho Theatre.

So come to that. It will be a massive laugh. Just one big laugh at the end of my show. I feel the level of cool, which is a very cool place, the Soho Theatre. Whenever I play there, I feel the level of cool drops dramatically. It's like when you know, when people make the mistake of putting warm food in the

fridge. Yeah. It's like that. To be fair, my mother thought it was the coolest thing in the whole entire world when

she met you at the Soho Theatre, when she told you the same story three times in a row. Oh, that's lovely. It got better,

that story. It did get better as it went. She refined it, yeah. And this morning she texted me when I said that I was going to be on the radio. She said,

say hello to Frank three times. The three R's. Repetition, repetition and repetition. What about, I want to do, I want to do Pierre as well now. What about this? Yeah.

What have you got? Plugs. Yeah, plugs. I suppose the big... Don't make something up. If you've got to make something up, forget about it. Are you still doing your podcast with Phil Wang? Yes, yes.

No, we don't want to plug that. No. The big thing I'm trying to sell is in November, the 23rd of November, I'll be at Leicester Square Theatre, which is a big room that I need to fill. Okay. That would be good to come to. And on tour in general in autumn

round the nation I think you should and Dublin I think you should call that to a big room I need to fill I like it

yeah well look they're two funny guys go see them on the next episode of Frank Skinner's poetry podcast that was the cheer it's great by the way

we'll be out on Wednesday it's Jean Sprackland and you probably think I've never heard of Jean Sprackland she's a contemporary poet and she's absolutely tremendous download it from wherever you get your podcasts

it's a life changer that's my view Chloe it's been an absolute joy having you on the show thank you so much for having me Pierre you know the usual yeah and we

if the good Lord spares us, oh, thanks for listening, everyone, obviously. It's been fabulous being up in Edinburgh, actually, an absolute lark. Thanks to Radio 4th for having us. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Get out.