The Frank Skinner Show - Special Trousers

Episode Date: October 2, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank went Go-Karting and had a modern world experience at Crazy Golf. The team also discuss Salt Bae’s expensive steak, Victoria Beckham’s salted toast and cupcakes.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is, um, shut up Emily. This is, um, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and you've already guessed, and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. What is it? Oh, I just, I love your musical choices, Frank. Oh, that was a brilliant track. Anyway, anyway, good. Or can I start off with some, now let me see,

I used to have on my jingles, here it is, here we go. Congratulations and jubilation Now, let me see. I used to have on my jingles. Here it is. Here we go. Cliff, he came back, in case you're worried at home. So, I'm congratulating Graham and Nathan this morning. Now, Graham and Nathan host the radio show on Spin 1038 in Ireland, also owned by our parent company, Bauer.

So under the Bauer umbrella. Now, they were nominated for, you know, we got, remember when we used to get nominated for Arias, the big radio award? Yes, I did. Before then,

they've sort of seen us now, but when we still had an air of novelty about us, we used to get nominated for arias the big radio award before they've sort of seen us now but when we still had an air of novelty about us we used to get nominated oh yeah well they got nominated for the irish equivalent which is called an imro and um fabulously they did a uh slightly too long video, which was a parody of Three Lions, called, inevitably, Imrose Coming Home. And what was good about it is that one of them talked, sang Imrose Coming Home, while the other one did the commentator bit, saying, we've got no chance, let's face it.

It was like a competition they did that got the thing. So, we've got no chance, let's face it. It's rubbish. We got nominated that got the thing so we've got no chance let's face it's rubbish we got nominated last and we never won it and so they do all that anyway they won it which is um is how exceptional even if it does sound like an international visa form yeah yeah i think the imro is a hell of an award because on the video you see them get the award. You could do damage with an Imro. They wouldn't dare make a soap award like that. You know, when everyone gets drunk,

everyone at the soap awards is completely smashed. If you had awards like that, people would be killed. I like that you assess awards by how dangerous they might be. Well, it just looks, you know, some awards are so flimsy, whereas the Imro looks like if, you know, if they were sealed in the awards hall, that they could batter their way through the wall with their own Imros.

I like the sound of that. Anyway, well done to Graham and Nathan. And I thought it was one of the better parodies of Three Lions. Oh, I'll check it out. I've seen, yeah, Imros coming home. Imro could also be a supervillain, I think, in a Marvel comic. Yeah. Does your computer just remember

when you put in the letter P in a search engine, does it just come up, parodies of Three Lights? Well, I've seen some really, really bad ones, but, you know. Yeah, I'm sure. It's fine. The mistake they've made, of course, is they've won an Imro now. The secret is to not win so that the song goes on forever. It's evergreen.

That's what we're doing. Exactly. goes on forever. It's evergreen. That's what we're doing. Exactly. 682, Frank, has had two weeks away and it doesn't let you text

from Kefalonia. No, that's because Kefalonia doesn't exist. Okay. I saved the two pods to listen to when I got home. A little bit of praise. But then this.

I love it best when Frank reviews how funny he thinks he's been near the end of the show. Have a great morning, gang. OK, well, I'll make a note of that. Where is Kefalonia? It's in Greece, isn't it? It's all Greek to me.

Oh, so it's not a country, is it? It's a place? OK, OK. Yeah, now it sounds... People are going to message us with geography knowledge now. No, there's no need. I'm happy to take Emily's word for it. By the way, don't forget this morning's texting.

Mod Wrestling, do they use real mod? 8, 12, 15. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I went to a crazy golf thing this week. It was called Pot Shack, right? I'm not doing an advert for it. I'm getting no money from Pot Shack.

Don't panic. My manager's listening. He often wonders if I mention a brand name, if I've got a side thing going on. Like me. I haven't. So, and pot shack is, it was like a kid's party, but they, Sorry.

It's crazy golf for the 21st century is what I would say. Oh, is it? And get this, get this, get this. You're given a ball at the beginning and when you put your ball on the tee the tee puts your name on the scoreboard it recognizes your golf ball clever isn't it there are times when the modern world really delivers do you know what i mean wait i mean obviously sometimes it's does negative but the times where you think, yes, we are living in the modern world. Like, for example, this week I saw an advert for a sort of a trident tap. I don't think it's called that, but that's what I'm calling it.

And it was three taps in one tap. Oh, be quiet. And one is cold water, and one's boiling water, and one is, wait for it, fizzy water. Hold on! Imagine having that in your home. But you see, I worry about the boiling water

function for the drunks. I'm not sure, obviously not one, but I mean, if you have someone drinking alcohol in the house, I don't advise that. Well, yes. When I used to drink um heavily i used to go up in when i got up in the morning i didn't dare risk holding a glass because my hands were shaking so much so i would drink directly from the tap um even though my mother

told me as a child never drink um directly from the tap because sometimes slugs come out unexpectedly. I never saw that. Yeah, but the good thing is your dad always carried a pinch of salt in his pocket. Yeah, exactly. Exhumably for that. Exactly. And also, if you, you know, feel that ill, you're not going to bother about a slug coming out.

That would be devoured. Bit of protein for someone to have you know until i open the ricard so um yeah so i thought anyway that wasn't it was talking about the uh and i was really impressed i actually said oh brave new world that hath such crazy golf in it. Did Huxley reference Land? No, it didn't. I think it's actually Shakespeare. Oh, it is originally.

You're absolutely right, Frank. So Shakespeare actually... You went OG on me. I like that. Shakespeare? What's OG? Original gangster. You went Tempest. Is it Tempest?

Yes, so you could say Shakespeare invented In It. Which of youth of... Do youth know that they're quoting Shakespeare when they say In It? Oh, forsooth. Oh, yeah, exactly. So anyway, I was watching this crazy golf in awe when one of the children,

and I said they're young, you know, they're nine and ten. One of them just picked the... He played a bad first shot. He just picked the ball up, put it straight in the hole and the computer congratulated him for a hole in one. Great reaction, Al. There's not been a system yet invented that hasn't been gamed. No, I mean, this kid... Real life kid, I thought maybe he'd misunderstood the word pot

and thought you could just put it in the hole. But this elaborate, this arena of lights and sounds couldn't cope with a kid just dropping the ball straight into the hole. The thing is you can't unsee that. Do you know what I mean? Once you've seen a kid do that I was despairing. Sorry about that.

That's exactly the technology that Hawkeye was invented for surely. Yeah well you know I must have told you when I went to a first floor sushi restaurant once in Bournemouth and looked out the window and there was an overgrown crazy golf. And there was a clown's face, big gaping clown's face covered in mildew and ivy. And I thought, goodness me, that's a fabulous symbol of my career. And now I find I go to crazy golf

and it shows me the end of traditional morality. I'm going to tell my second child activity story of the morning. We also went go-karting on Sunday. Obviously, they just pushed them around the tracks. There was no fuel. But even so, it was a much... No, no, they found a bit of fuel. I'm glad you were using the supplies on go-karts.

There's a grand... But, you know, you've got to look after the children. If you look after the children, then you've got a happy life. And so they went round and round. It was quite noisy and I inhaled quite a lot of carbon

monoxide. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But we, I was worried about my... Did you get a little headache? I didn't because luckily they had the antidote available there, which were bright blue slosh poppies. Do you remember those drinks? No longer called slosh poppies. What are they called now? They've been rebranded.

They're called Star Slosh. Everything has to have a little celebrity. A little celebrity thing. It's like charity. If it doesn't have a celebrity, don't count no more. Has the graphic changed then? Because there was a little dog. No, it's sans canine now. No canine?

I think it's a star. I think it is. Have they removed the puppy from slosh puppies? That was gone. I think the whole puppy thing, there's probably thought it was thought to be cruel or something, the idea that somebody might crush one, like ice. I thought there might be a misunderstanding.

Yeah. Still tastes, I mean, brilliant. Brilliant in that you know there are no natural ingredients in it I mean brilliant brilliant in their you know there are no natural ingredients in it and some are very refreshing it's a lovely change from these, you know these drinks that tell you

they're healthy and then when you actually look they've got nine spoonfuls of sugar in it it's up front, what you see is what you get with a star slosh, the SS, as I call it. I'm not the first person to say of the SS, what you see is what you get. Oh, for goodness sake.

Imagine you in the branding meeting. Exactly. But I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. We had those cakes cupcakes you know you know what I'm talking about yes I know cupcakes

I think cupcakes are the least appealing of all the cakes because the icing is just too much you get a cake I think if you get a cake that's, say, two inches high, the icing should not be equally high.

Right. It should be less considerably. You know when people say, oh, that really puts the icing on the cake. Yeah, well, with a cupcake, what you're really doing is put the cake underneath the icing. Do you know what I mean?

The icing is the dominant thing, and it's not too much. I think ratio and food is an important conversation that we need to be having more. I do. No one ever says... I had a very similar chat recently about one of those fancy sausage rolls that I felt was about 19 parts meat and one part pastry. It was just too much meat. Yeah, I've seen that.

That is a trend in sausage rolls. The thinning out of... Are you complaining getting too much value for money? Yeah, because if I want... I'll have a sausage if I want that. You have a sausage, go on. You have your sausage. But I want the pastry to be a dominant thing as well,

you know what I mean? I'm after democracy in a sausage roll, not dominance. I'd like to... That's really put the cake under the icing. Frank, I'm going to present... I'm going to be the voice of controversy here. Here we go. I happen to prefer the icing.

here. Here we go. I happen to prefer the icing. I specifically like my cupcakes icing dominant. Oh no. Do you remember there was a string of documentaries called When Blah Blah Goes Bad? Like when

the weather goes bad. Will that? When flightless birds go bad. Well, for me, that's when icing goes bad, is when it's on it. Or when sausage goes bad would be the thin pastry sausage roll. Okay. How many people do you think we've lost this morning so far? There'll be a few old stalwarts.

We do when radio goes bad. Exactly, when radio goes off. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Still no mud wrestling answers? No, not so far. What is it with people? Maybe you should re-throw it out there. Do they use real mod for mod wrestling

maybe mod wrestling has been removed but it doesn't need to be ladies in bikinis I don't see why it couldn't be any kind of

human being also you know that Turkish wrestling where they pour olive oil on each other I wonder what I wonder what calibre of olive oil

they're using yeah do you think virgin or non-virtual expensive yeah i am i don't i'm not familiar with turkish wrestling where they pour olive oil on each other i think they wear some special trousers and sort of grab each other i like i think documentary i mean i think Generally speaking, any event that involves special trousers... You're out. It's one for me.

Special trousers. Excuse me, do you sell special trousers? Get out! Get out of my shop! Oh, but I just... I wanted to go to some Turkish restaurant. Get out! Get out of my shop. Oh, but I just, I wanted to go to some Turkish restaurant. Get out!

So actually, I had dinner with Melvin Bragg this week. Oh, is his hair still luxurious? He looks great. He looks amazing. Still the shop is a tack. And we was, I'll tell you what, I ordered hispy cabbage. If ever I go to a fancy restaurant, I like to order one thing that I don't know what it is. You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah. And are you familiar with hispy cabbage? No. No. I was hoping it might be wispy cabbage. There was a typo on the menu and I just inhaled some cabbage-based smoke. But no, it was not that nice cabbage, is what I would call it. To give it its full name.

Quite a hard lump of cabbage. What was it seasoned with? How was it presented? Well, it had stuff on the top of it that looked a bit like asbestos. I'm guessing in the modern age it wasn't. But there was a sort of a topping on it, not, can I say, not a la cupcake. It was a bit thinner than that and hopefully more interesting. But not nice, Hispy. So I'm just saying if there's anyone out there

who's going out with Lord Bragg tonight, skip the Hispy. Skip the Hispy is my new catchphrase. I'm describing that as the ultimate niche shout-out. I think some of it was even more niche. He's in the midst of the meal. Who should turn up but Benjamin Zephaniah, the Birmingham poet,

and Villafan, just saying that. But he presented Lord Bragg with a framed copy of a poem that he'd written about him. It was a lovely moment. Was he just carrying it round with him? He turned up just out of the blue. It was a surprise.

It was sort of like a literary strippergram, if you can imagine. Such a thing. Just suddenly appeared at the table. I remember a mate once saying to me, this would be in the 80s, he said to me, you ruined my strippergram tonight. But they'd got a strippergram for his birthday.

He said, you ruined that by shouting, this is Stachers Britain. The most 70s slash 80s anecdote ever. Yeah, it was 80s, I think. I think she had her feet under the table by then. Yeah, she did. No, I just thought it was a fairly unpleasant thing and I made my feelings known.

I didn't hold up a red card. No. It was those days. I hadn't come around. Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. so I didn't come around. Frank Skimmer.

Absolute radio. Have you heard from The Outside World? Yes, a tuppence. I'd like a jingle that goes, The Outside World, The Outside World, whoa, the outside world. What do you think that would be? I think you've just done it. Why? Because you enjoy living in medieval Britain.

Keep Jingles Live. Sounds like the sort of thing Simon of Sudbury might say. What about that'd be a great campaign, Keep Jingles Live so you have to do all your jingles live on air. Oh man, brilliant. I'm going to do that for a while. You know, there's more to

it than many campaigns. I once did a gig, a benefit gig for the comedian Hal Cruttenden. Oh, yeah. And I got there and it was to help people go to drama school. I was like, I think we need more plumbers than future employed actors. Than Christopher Plumbers.

Very good. Very good, Frank. Very good. So, the outside world. The outside world, the outside world. So, the outside world. The outside world, the outside world. Oh, the outside world. We've heard from Art Uppant. Art Uppant, oh yes.

Art Uppant just wanted to add, which I enjoyed, Frank's anecdotes this morning are coming thick and fast. Crazy golf to Melvin Bragg in a matter of minutes yeah well there you go not to 60 oh he's 80 actually but um yes well it's been it's been a very full week for me i must say we've also had some people getting in touch regarding two ongoing themes this morning uh cupcakes and you've also referred to i think sausage rolls that was your contribution al cupcakes and you've also referred to, I think sausage rolls, that was your contribution Al I mean you've contributed more

It's all about percentages is what we're talking about, percentage sausage to pastry, icing to cake, that's the I mean actually I wouldn't feel too aggrieved if the sausage roll was 15 parts meat and 5 parts pastry, I wouldn't feel like that was that

wrong, but not 19 and 1 part. No, no, no. We get the add-in. Beryl Cole. Beryl Cole. I like that. That's a good name. Beryl Cole. That'd be a good tribute act. To who?

Cheryl Cole. Yeah, I should have got that, really, looking back as a professional comedian. Beryl Cole? Who would that be? Whose surname is Cole? That first name sounds a bit like Beryl. Yeah, that completely eluded me.

Nevertheless. So what does Beryl have to say? I didn't get Phil McCann this week. Oh, right, which is the sort of joke of the week. In case you don't know, the guy reporting on the fuel shortage on the news was called Phil McCann. Yeah, I didn't get it.

That's good. No, he was really called that, though. That was just when the universe falls into place. Love it. Anyway, Beryl Cole has some advice for you. Okay. to place love it anyway beryl cole has a some advice for you okay cut the cup cut the cupcake in half through the middle and wedge the bottom on top of the icing to make a cupcake sandwich much better yeah but beryl i'm sure she's a nice woman, but her mathematics is at fault here

because that does not change the ratio. Putting the cake on top, the icing, there's still more icing than there should be. Sorry, Beryl. Respect. But, no, that wouldn't do it for me. I'm sorry. I think the cupcake is,

that is one of the many very, very popular things That I don't know why it's very, very popular If I listed them, we'd still be here I would be doing a 24-hour radio marathon Along with Bush and Ritchie You have to feel for It used to be called the fairy cake, didn't it? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Was that the one where they made little wings by cutting the top off? That was lovely. See, that was a delicate little cake, a little fairy. Yeah. Looked a bit like the butterfly stroke, like there was two shoulder blades opening up on the top of the... And then the cup got in on the action.

Who asked you? Yeah. That was, as I say, when icing went wrong. Yeah. We've also heard from Mark Nixon, I have to disagree with pastry ratios, not enough filling these days, just a disappointing pastry pocket.

Oh. OK? That reminds me when Sarah Millican was on Room 101 and she chose Chicken Keeves with Not Enough Keef. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Okay, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

Text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Do I have to keep telling you? About once an hour, I think. Yeah, I think that is the rule. You referred to Absolute Radio as where real philosophy matters.

And John Hopkins... Hopkins? Yes. Has a tale regarding pastry ratios and a man in what he describes as an existential dilemma. OK. Finally, a radio show discussing pastry ratios. A mate once got a sausage roll from Gregg's that was pure pastry.

What? Do you know, how long has this producer been working on this show? In all this time, we've said some things. Yeah. I have never heard her gasp. No. Until now. Maybe Greg's a very litigious and she's just worried.

Yeah, maybe. What they've bought, what that person's bought is a roll. Yeah. John continues. He complained and they offered him a choice. A new one or keep the roll and have two free sausages.

Oh, that's good. I have never seen a man in such an existential dilemma. But even Jean-Paul Sartre. I mean, that is extraordinary. Yeah, that reminds me of when I took Boz to, I think it was Burger King, and the woman leaned across the counter and said to him, ice cream or toy?

And I thought he was going to... Ooh. I thought he was going to smoke coming out the ears. So what would you go for, Alan? If you were offered that choice, new one or two sausages to accompany the roll? Oh, God. I mean i first of all i'd like about a year and a half to think about this but if i was to rush i think i'd take the two sausages and put them into

the empty pastry that's that sounds like a bargain then doesn't it see what i'd do i'd have the two sausages and I'd hold them in the same hand as the roll. Like when you see a third world statesman doing a press conference and they gaffer tape some microphones together into a cluster. And that's how I'd eat it. I'd eat it from the fist, but with the three shoulder to shoulder. I know sausages don't have shoulders, but you know what I mean. But you, Em?

That's a bit of everything in there. I'm glad you came to me, Frank. This is a dilemma. I mean, it's one of the biggest ones I would ever have in my life. And I've had Shaquille O'Neal or the Arsenal player. I would say I'd go fresh. Would you really? I'd take that risk.

I don't want to be clinging on to two sausages. It's not right for my brand. Well, there's a logic issue in this because what you feel is if you go and I'll just have a new one, please. You feel you've lost something, but you haven't lost something. That's what you wanted and that's what you want in there for a sausage roll. Yeah. You're just, the ledger is level.

It balances. It's just that you've heard, no, there's two sausages, and suddenly you've become confused. What you've done is, you've got greedy. Well, you've been, yeah, you've been, the other man's sausages are always greener. Oh. And Greg, and Greg. That's how the adage goes.

I heard that one before. But you know what I mean, once you get the idea, it sounds better. But I think yours is the more balanced thing. But I like the Third World Statesman microphone cluster approach. I think, you know, when it comes down to it, we all do. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. In one of the breaks, the many breaks we have on this show, I was singing It'll Never Work,

which you're probably familiar with, Al, are you? Yes. Yeah, me too. I know it well. I like it a lot. So do I. It's one of my favourite songs. The producer didn't know what it was, Frank. I think many of our readers won't know what it is. Surely not. It's a classic.

Me and David Baddiel, the activist, we did a TV show together which was improvised and we were so lacking in confidence that the theme tune, what was called It'll Never Work, and ended, And neither will we again. So, yes, that was the song. It was one of the greats.

Yes, Sarah didn't know that, but that's fair enough. It's TV history. It's been a while, I must say. It was a great show, though. I think I met the kid who sang it or something like that Did you? How old is he now, Frank? Where did you meet him? He's in his early 70s Is he Adventurous Grandad?

I sincerely hope so No, that was a long time we've also heard back from beryl cole oh okay yeah our cupcake correspondent the icing she's do you remember she was recommending the cupcake cake as it were with icing in the middle that you slice it through i remember when she was beryl tweedy yes and i i what about beryl uh vasini fernandez that was a brief period was it vasini oh yeah oh yes well remember i wouldn't if you'd have said to me what was that uh sort of spanishy name she had i wouldn't have come up with that ever b Beryl Cole. The icing squishes out the sides and you can scrape it off. I don't think I'd make a great Cheryl

official tribute act, age 60. Far too dodgy knees. But thanks anyway. I imagine that Beryl Cole was a joke name based on Cheryl Cole, but now we've had the 60 element. What she's done is impress in pressing down with the 60,

the irony is squirting out the sides and left with a very believable first name of Beryl. Beryl's such a great name. I don't know why that hasn't come back for the little children. You know the old names that come back for the little children? Oh, yeah, yeah. But Beryl hasn't for some reason. Oh dear.

The cake that she's describing, sponge and then icing in the middle and then more sponge, isn't that the basic platform idea of a Victoria sponge? Is that not what they're creating? Yeah, I mean I think she's acknowledging but

it's a slice it's some form of a slice she's come up with but she never mentioned i have to say the icing squirting out the side that's a whole new ball game it's a whole new world yeah beryl give us the full story and then uh finally i mean we won't talk about cupcakes all morning, but... No. I, for one, have enjoyed it. 330, cupcakes are decorative, but the displacement activity of the icing can be intense. The displacement activity.

What does that mean? To deal with it, I think. Well, there's a lot to navigate, isn't there? Structurally, it's flawed. Yeah. As a structure. Well, there's a lot to navigate, isn't there? Structurally, it's flawed. Yeah. As a structure. Well, the other thing is, you need, you know those moments when Shaggy and Scooby-Doo

sort of dislocated their jaws in order to eat a very largely stacked sort of super club sandwich? Yeah. To get, to actually get an icing stacked cupcake in, it's very difficult indeed. You have to sort of come at the side of it. It's unsatisfying.

When you win Great British Bake Off, if you won it with a really brilliant cupcake, would you get a cake cup for your cupcake? 8, 12.15. Frank, you recently regaled us with an anecdote about, you know, one of your anecdotes about how much you'd enjoyed some toast. Oh, yes. Having not had toast with nothing on, we'd just butter on for the first time for years.

I thought, you know what? Toast is actually brilliant. I'd forgotten. Delicious. And then there was a heartbreak moment where the next day it wasn't so good. But, you know, these things happen. Yeah. I wonder if you're what they call a trendsetter

because it's now been uh in the news it's been in the news cycle that victoria beckham is um is a fan of toast not with butter i believe she's having it with salt you know that well-known snack everyone talks about yeah Yeah. Salt on toast. I have to say, you know, you think, when I said earlier that I like to have something I've never heard of before, and I suggested hispy cabbage. Oh, yeah. But if you can come up with something

you've never heard of before, which is so familiar as to combine salt and toast, and it still sounds exotic well done victoria that really was something well she said she was talking on the the podcast of ruth rogers if you i don't know if everyone's familiar with her she runs the river cafe oh okay and Do you know Ruth Rogers? No, but... It's not very appropriate with a lady like Ruth Rogers. She's in the Waterstones crowd. It's really not appropriate.

Not so nice with a lady. I mean... You're quite right. Ruth Rogers. I mean, Will Rogers, you know, Buck Rogers, Kenny Rogers. I actually explained to Kenny Rogers the verb. How did that go?

Well, he was appalled because he had a string of fast food chains called Kenny Rogers Roosters. Are you joking? No, that's actually true, yeah. What did he say? I imagine he was nice a lot. He was a bloke who really thought it was hilarious. He was very laid back. I think he was a lot. He was a bloke who really thought it was hilarious. Yeah, he was very laid back.

I think he'd be nice. I'm sure Ruth Rogers would be nice. I just don't think it would be appropriate. No, no, I wouldn't. I wouldn't drop it in her company. Don't worry about that. No, I don't think you'd be welcome. I'll never be in her company, almost certainly.

No, I don't think so. But Virginia, not Virginia, Victoria Beckham was, yes. I nearly said Virginia Bottomley. I think there was a VB in there somewhere. She did a podcast. Anyway, she did the podcast and on it she said, Victoria Beckham said, it's that carbohydrate that makes you feel comforted.

Yeah. I would say there are things that I find more comforting than charred bread devoid of moisture. Does she put butter on it before the salt? No, she won't have butter. Now, butter. Are you sure? Have you got a shock jingle for that?

I mean, butter. No, no. Because there is even a product called salted butter that would be perfect for such an occasion. Is there really? I don't know why you're in packets. that would be perfect for such an occasion. Is there really? I like the way you announced that as if you should have a silver spice suit on talking to me through a monitor. There is a product called Salted...

Called what? Is she citizen? What will they think of next? I'm just thinking of it as more of a labour-saving purchase. I think if this was the movie, we need to see the newspapers spinning around. Think of next. I'm just thinking of it as more of a labour-saving purchase. I think of, if this was the movie, we need to see the newspapers spinning around. Yeah, with salted butter.

Salted butter. Discovered. This, Al, was dry toast with salt sprinkled on it. She was quite... Oh, wow. Oh, come on, give it... I tell you what, I... Oh, I'll do it.

The producer has... I don't know what the 30 seconds, do you mean to go? Okay, I've never seen that before ever. Okay. Okay, so, yeah, I decided to try this yesterday and then the only bread we'd got in the house was frozen and hadn't got time to. and hadn't got time to. So I tried a frozen piece of bread, not toasted, but just, I basically just reproduced winter road conditions.

I just put salt on frozen. And I tell you, one thing I've discovered completely accidentally is frozen bread is really nice. Oh, I freeze all my bread. No, but do you eat it frozen? Of course I don't. No, I didn't thaw it. I ate it still frozen. You didn't john it.

With the, I didn't. With the salt on, it was actually pretty good. Is it all right to eat frozen bread? 8.15. 8.15. we're talking about victoria beckham's salt toast she said she acknowledged though because she's quite self-aware vd which i do like she said she admitted she said to most restaurants i'm probably their worst nightmare. I love steamed vegetables and I like to season things myself. I don't like oil or butters or sauces.

And she said that even Gordon Ramsay, who's a friend of the family, he said he's never seen anybody as disciplined about the way they eat. That's what he says to them. What does she mean by I like to season myself? Does she arrive with... You know those things that Mexican bandits used to wear? Does she arrive with salt, pepper, mixed herbs, turmeric? There used to be a nightclub in Birmingham

where women wore sort of tequila shots in those. Well, are you suggesting she'd ride with a spice rack? That is... Very good. It's good and it's the cleanest version of that joke available on the market. Very breakfast. Well done, you. Thank you.

That job on Christian radio when this show closes is waiting. Brilliant work, Emily. So she, I would say, as I said, I think she seems to be self-aware about it. She acknowledges it's a problem. I do know, do you remember the chef, Mark Peter White? Oh, Marco Pierre, yes. Oh, yes,co pierre yes oh yes i just dined them i stayed at the mercure hotel in bridgewater you might remember and the restaurant there is a marco pierre white there's some of the most depressing photographs on the wall there of him having like

boisterous macho horse play with gordon ramsay in the kitchen and a shot of gordon ramsay afterwards cooking with all the back of his shirt and trousers ripped they got so out of hand did he have special trousers well if he did they'd been on specialed by uh mpw but it was um it was so much when um when the male cooks sort of over mail it they love that rather oh relax well you've got your restaurant relax mark peter white was food was nice so fair play oh yeah okay he infamously, I mean, he... Oh, yes, I remember. He would eject people from his restaurants if they asked for salt and pepper. Yes, he came out of the kitchen, didn't he, furious,

because someone had asked for salt. Yeah. Yeah, no need for that. He didn't like it. In fairness, it was for a sticky toffee pudding, so they were a bit cheeky. Well, they were ahead of their time. That was pre-salt caramel.

Yeah. I mean, what do you think? I do often favour salted toast with some sort of roasted tomatoes. Do you really? Oh. With olive oil. You learn something new every week. You do.

That's nice. I'm quite Mediterranean, Emily Dean. Oh, I'm very Mediterranean, Al. Did we find out if it's safe to eat frozen toast, by the way? Because I have eaten a slice yesterday. Actually, yes, we've had a text saying, actually, I mean, this is not breaking news, but hi, what will Frank give himself out of ten at the end of this

show? I toast frozen bread it's fine and butter spreadable I think it's safe to do this from Nige. No, no, there's a misunderstanding here No, no, I understand that you ate it frozen, I'm just saying that you could have toasted it straight from the freezer That was a lovely marital vibe

But you know what? Things to do, Al Things to do Dr.. Things to do. Dr. Noob all set. You're a nige that's texted the show, aren't you? I can't be toasting things in the day like that. But we're trying to set up that we can get some toasted salt. Would you call it salt on toast?

Salt on toast, I think, yeah. Yeah, so I'm going to give it a try. I don't know if I can tempt Emily into a carbohydrate. I'm surprised, actually, that Victoria eats any carbohydrates at all. Yeah. Good on. I thought she'd remember I saw her dining out once, and for dessert she had half a jelly tot.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. Saw her dining out once and for dessert she had half a jelly tot. Look, we got some salt on toast. I'm going to be straight with you. Dry salt toast with addy. I don't know if I over-salted. I feel really thirsty now. Can I tell you, Al, we had a different technique, Frank Skinner and myself.

I went for the salting. Yes, it was interesting to note. I don't know what this says, but I went for the... Let me guess. Go on. Did you do a delicate sprinkle and Frank just plopped the toast straight face down into a bowl of salt? Is that how it worked? Well, you're close. Is that how it works? Well, you're close.

I sprinkled it, as one would, you know, seasoning with sea salt, for example, on top of a dish or a salad, etc. Frank grabbed a spoon and just tipped it onto the toast. Yeah, well. Extraordinary behaviour. It sounds salty. It was quite salty. I might have over-salted the toast, but it's all right. It's salty. It was quite salty. I might have over-salted the toast, but it's all right.

It's like your review of salt on toast. Yeah, a bit salty. And, yeah, I tell you what, I didn't miss the spread as much as I thought I would. You did miss the spread. Oh, really? To me, it tasted like herrings. Herrings?

Ooh. What kind of talk is it? It tasted like herring. What kind of salt did you put on it? It tasted very, it's very fishy. Sort of sardine-y.

Yeah. A bit mackerel-y. What I liked, the classic Emily Dean moment, she said to me, oh, it's table salt. I forgot it was called that.

Table. She said, I thought we might have some pink Himalayan salt. Oh, no. I did say that. I was reading about pink Himalayan salt. You know, they claim that you sleep better

when you take it, that it reduces signs of ageing and increases your libido. Pink Himalayan salt. I mean, three of my favourite things. You know how I take those claims? With a pinch of Pink Himalayan salt. Oh, right. Lovely.

Very good. Do you know I like to bathe in Pink Himalayan salt. Oh, right. Lovely. Very good. Do you know I like to bathe in pink Himalayan? You are. Do you really? No way. Yes. I have pink. In a sort of chill from Etcham salts.

You know we were talking before about the proportion of sausage to sausage roll. How much salt to water? Well, what I found is that it can be a little bit of a shock when you're stepping into the bath. Crunchy floor. How dare you?

Yeah. If all the salt hasn't properly, you know. It's like when you go into the, people coming out of the sea

doing that terrible sharp stone walk. I know, but the feet are one thing. Wouldn't it be great if Ursula Ann dressing Dr. No would come out of the sea doing

that, walking in that. So it's still crunchy on the bottom of the bath. It's very crunchy. So I like to leave it in there a while. And it's awfully soothing. Is it really? Yes. Well, I'll go to a house. And there you would have found salt.

Yeah. Of course, in my dad's pockets, ready for blinding the silence. That's what Frank's dad, in case there are any new readers, Frank's dad loved, he always kept salt on his person. Yeah, I'm not saying it's a good thing to do. No. Obviously, it's a bad thing to do. But those were, you know, he was out sometimes when it was dark

which kind of justifies it for me This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran you can text the show on 81215 follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

Simple enough, isn't it? Get on with it. We've been discussing VB and SOT, salt on toast. And 597 has texted, toast dripping and salt, you can't beat it. I know it sounds a bit medieval, but hey. And that's Simon of Sudbury, i know it sounds a bit medieval but hey now that's simon of sudbury who does also sound a bit ready yeah we um we used to have a lot of dripping so yeah my mom would just get the meat tin out the oven that had still got the sort of space where the

meat had been in the middle and then there's all this white congealed stuff with like brown jelly underneath and then just spread it on the breadgealed stuff with like brown jelly underneath and then just spread it on the bread. Did you say salt on top of that? Because we thought there might not be enough salt in it. Really? You'd eat that, would you? We would eat that, yes. They had that, Emily,

just with a little sprinkle of Himalayan... Oh, shut up! I apologise. Some balsamic vinegar. I'll tell you, this week, this is what I saw. and thinking oh shut up I apologise some balsamic vinegar I'm sorry I'll tell you this week this is what I saw

I was at a lovely restaurant with Melvin Bragg or without with Sons Bragg I was Sons Bragg I'm never completely Sons Bragg

and they we ordered fizzy water, you know. I think for the table is the term they use. Sparkling water. And I bet Frank Howell says, no, fizzy, please. Yeah, I did say.

I did say some fizzy water. So they brought in a lovely bottle that stood on the table. But inside the bottle, there was like another compartment another with um crystals in it but as far as i could see this inner it's like a heart like a heart inside the bottle but as far as i could see it was the crystals were enclosed in glass so I thought I what's the point if if the water isn't reaching the crystals so I asked um well I was tempted to say waitress but in this particular restaurant they're known as storytellers because they tell you the story of every course. Wow. And bear with me. Stop it, Al.

Stop going, blah. So anyway, I said, what is the point of having, I said, are they crystals? And she said, yes. And I said, so what's the point if they're enclosed in a glass thing because they're not touching the water? She said, no, they don't touch the water, but they vibrate,

and that improves the texture of the water. Oh. And I thought, okay. And I said, I've never heard of that before. Now, don't get me wrong. Pseudo-science is my favourite science. Yeah. I don't like the other stuff much,

but pseudo-science could be a fabulous cavalcade of ideas and outrageous theories. So she said, well, we had a water sommelier came here the other week. Now, I don't know if you're familiar with the word sommelier, but normally someone an expert on wine. Yes. But this one was an expert on water and she

said we had a water tasting evening. Wow. It was a monastery, did I tell you that? No, it wasn't. A lot of them make their own wine. So, yeah. You get a specialist sommelier who just deals with water.

As a teetotaler, I was very impressed by the idea of a water-tasting evening. Can you imagine such a thing? Someone told me that the word teetotaler came out because the bloke who announced the campaign stammered and actually said he stammered and actually said, he stammered on the letter T of Totler. And that's how it came out as T-Totler. Is that possibly true?

Someone will know out there. Oh, someone will know. So anyway, water tasting evening. Dimitri the Nimble has been in touch. Oh, yeah. I don't know, but it sounds complicated. Try crumbled oxo cubes on buttered toast. You will never look back. Well, me and my siblings used to eat oxo cubes

just like you might eat sweets. Just chew them up. And they were, you know, very nice I don't know if I should recommend them on air, there's probably some I don't think there's any bit of extra salt, but yeah, try them they are

try them that's where our childhoods cross over, because I did the same did you, well they, I knew there would be some common ground hurrah, finally it's taken 11 years to find them exactly Well, I knew there would be some common ground. Hurrah. Finally. Yeah. It's taken 11 years to find out.

Exactly. When Emily asked me if my dad had any contacts, ooh, his contacts. What are you talking about? Oh, shut up. We've been doing a lot of what I would call salty humour on the radio today. Not by its original meaning, but we were discussing VB's salt on toast order. Now, I think I've discovered recently a little life hack that I'd like to share with people. I've occasionally been having stinky food

like really late at night. So I'm on a constant attempt to eat more oily fish. So having things like mackerel or sardines on toast. I've realised if I eat that stuff at like 11pm when everybody else has gone to bed, then it doesn't stink on my beard and the next morning

and it doesn't repeat on me for the rest of the day This is Captain Handbook Yeah So by the time I wake up it's just the pillow that smells, it's not my face anymore Well that's nice for your wife Exactly

and I'm i'm recommending it and in fact last night i i did a gig and then i i had some cottage cheese with chives on toast and because it's not a particularly stinky or disgusting food it just lacked something it didn't have the same frisson for me if i'm absolutely honest with you so I share that as a life hack for you all. Yeah what you need is maybe a jogged hair waiting when you get in. A jogged hair? Do you know what a jogged hair

is? It's when they hang it up until it decays. It's not nice. Oh I see. And then they put it in a jog to marinate. I had some once. I'll tell you where I had it. I had it on that radio show, I've Never Seen Star Wars.

You know that? I think it was a TV show as well for her. I know those jogged hair. There's a sort of thing Lady Chatterley's lover would have kept in his quarters, in his shed. I don't know what Lady Chatterley's lover kept in his quarters. But I wouldn't have it hanging up at

my house okay okay so that's interesting al so you favor i would i'm gonna have to uh raise there's a point of order here you threw chives in very happily and confidently with the non-smelly food group yeah yeah i've been trying i don't like to plug um brands on the show but i've been trying longley farm cottage cheese with chives well it is the best cottage cheese but to investigate this one i'd never experienced it with chives before and someone recommended it to me and I thought, well, you know. This does sound like sponsorship. It really does, I mean.

Well, I can honestly say, maybe to balance this, that I ate cottage cheese in all its manifestations. What about with pineapple? When did you eat cottage cheese? I thought it really sort of, I feel like I'm being polite.

It does something bad to me. No, really. I don't have any food allergies that I know of, but when I have that, I feel like I can't swallow the damn stuff. Okay. The damn stuff. Red bottler. And I'm not saying that Al's brand that I think he's got shares in.

Don't say it again, Al. Don't say it again. I love them. But all of them. Don't get a warning. Your Philadelphia's, your all. Oh, it's awful stuff. Oh, it's quite...

It's like I can't... It's like it sits in this small chamber just below my larynx and won't move. Horrors. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Shall we head over to the document we like to call Previously, Al, which is a collection of correspondence. Previously, things that happened previously Being referred to now That's nice.

Keep jingles live, keep jingles live. Keep jingles live. I'd like to bring to your attention an email that we received when we were discussing Simon Sudbury on a previous show. Oh, yes. Hi, Frank et al. I enjoyed hearing mention of Simon Sudbury on the show last week and I thought you may be interested

to know that the bishop's head is now kept separately to his body in some sort of container at St Gregory's Chapel. It was partly mummified after being left on a pike in the sun for a few days after his execution.

It wasn't a garnish. I thought it was a garnish for a fish dish after his execution by the protesters. I thought it was a garnish for a fish dish after being left on a pike. On a pike in the sun for a few days after his execution by the protesters of the Peasants' Revolt. And it's apparently possible to go and view it. A couple

of my colleagues did so when I was working at the Tower of London, although I've not got round to going myself. I thought this could be a nice historical and religious-based trip for Frank in the future. Yeah, it sounds good. All the best, Becca, yeah. I remember in the Catholic Cathedral in Montreal,

they had the heart of a guy, a bishop who'd been there and became a saint. And it was stolen and held to ransom. And then rumours went around that they hadn't refrigerated it, the foolish thieves. And so it was, in inverted commas, handed back. And then it seemed to be much bigger than it was before and people thought it might have been a pig's one that had been brought in just to keep the faithful happy.

But I never got to the actual bottom of that. So I'm not saying, if you're on your way to Montreal Cathedral, I'm not saying it is a pig's one, but that was just the talk. I'm not saying, it's a pig's one! I'm not that bloke who stands outside shouting that. Isn't that a catchphrase for me? It's a pig's one. Oh, yeah.

It's a pig's one. Sorry, carry on. I like that point. We have some, we've had some other people getting in touch. A lot of side saddle correspondence. Do you remember this has come up on the show? Oh yes, I met a lady who rode side saddle and jumped, actually did high jumps. Sitting side saddle, sort of hanging off the side of a horse.

Well, this is where Jackie and Scout takes issue with you. I don't know if Jackie and Scout takes issue with you. Oh. I don't know if Jackie and Scout is some sort of a... Is that a woman and horse? ...snowbit double act? OK, so maybe it's a circus horse act. I used to ride... No, I'll change the emphasis here. I used to ride side saddle.

And no, you are not hanging off the side of the horse. OK. I like the tone here, haven't we? It's very horsey, isn't it? I can almost smell the quilted green waistcoat. I can see the jodhpurs. Yeah. I'm loving it.

All right, calm down, everyone. The part where you sit is totally flat. The legs to one side, one leg over a sort of hook. Yeah. The other uses the stirrup. Yeah, I did say that one thigh goes over a pommel, a curved pommel, not some sort of hook, and into a stirrup. But maybe as she suggests, that you are a bit more central.

I like the... I was thinking very much of people hiding in Wild West things when they stampede the horses and they hang behind one on one side. But I'll take that as a correction. Jackie and Scout, her final word is, I used to compete at shows. Okay. Well, you can't argue with that.

We don't know what show she used to compete at. She might be a jam manufacturer. But nevertheless, I, Jackie and indeed Scout, oh, get under. I bow to your superior. Who is your superior? Is that the bloke in the glasses? Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio.

Okay, now we have even more food news. It's been a very food-based show today. I must have been odd forgotten about this guy. But Salt Bae. I like the way you say it, like it's his surname well the problem is is that mr bear mr beyer squire um i thought that was his surname well it's just your star wars darling it's just ever so sweet i would say salt bay what's the baby mean you see where i come from bay means if you said our baguio there, you'd mean I'm not going there.

Oh. So it's a black country term. OK. I didn't know that. Salt bay. So you'd say, oh, some things are expensive, but salt bay. You'd say that.

OK. So what is... It's a term of affection. It is actually an acronym for something, isn't it? Best of all something. But it's like... Oh, it's like goat, is it? Babe, gorgeous, you know, it's like your babe.

It's because he's the guy, and we talked about before on the show, who poured salt on food by running it down his forearm. Yes, he had an unusual distribution method. He would... He sort of held it in a claw tight claw the salt and then released it

and it ran down his forearm onto the food you couldn't do it now it's very difficult to recreate I tried it with tomato ketchup and I got cramp that would be horrible just waiting he's a Turkish chef, I believe his real name I will utilise my mother's

turkish is nusra the god oh i like it well you know i speak as a mattering does he uh does he wrestle yes what caliber of olive oil is it yeah i bet he's a man imagine the olive oil he'd turn up i'd see him i. I could speak some... We could exchange words. I'd say, Google it. Okay. He...

I'm guessing it means how much. How dare you? Exclamation mark. He became known as Saltway, as you say. It was about 2017 he went properly viral. He's now got 38 million followers on Instagram. Oh, man. Yeah.

And as a result, his empire's expanded. Because when you go viral, your empire expands. Yeah, I've noticed that. I notice it because I'm not actually on social media. Consequently, my empire is the size of a raisin. But anyway, carry on. Oh, dear. So, he's just opened a London branch of his restaurant chain.

It's called Nusret. Yes. Nusret. And people have been up in arms about the prices here. Or down in arms, as he would say when he's putting the salt on. Some examples. Four Red Bulls, £44. A steak for £630.

£200 for the rack of lamb. £100 for a burger. Whoa. Can I tell you the thing I most objected to? £18 for one onion. What? They called it an onion flower. Don't drag flowers into your den of onion iniquity.

All right. Yeah. Iniquity. Onion flower, 18 pounds. But, you know, people are paying it. Well, people are paying for the steak, and it's actually a gold leaf steak. I don't really want gold in steak. I'm happy with iron in steak.

Of course you are. Get it? Oh, yeah. Iron. You know, iron. Oh, yes. Yes, I agree, yes. Sorry, I was a...

Yes, he covers it in gold leaf. A little joke for the nutritionists there. And you eat the gold leaf. Is that the idea? There's a lot of fondness for gold at the moment. There's gold in skincare as well. That's the new thing. Gold serums, gold moisturizers. And there's also those really weird

from another world daytime telly adverts of strange blokes saying, why don't you buy gold? And then showing you these sovereigns that you can buy and keep at home. It's the weirdest tax evasion thing I've ever seen in my... And all these odd guys in

cravats. Oh, I like the sound of them. My advice is don't buy gold. Oh. We'll leave it there. Absolute Radio. Oh. We'll leave it there. I went to the Fat Dock in Bray this week, which is Heston Blumenthal's place. And I don't know if you're aware of it,

but it's like going to the theatre. Oh, it is. As I said before, you don't get away till you get a storyteller. And what we began with was this. It was chickpea water and some lime stuff. And then they freeze it in nitrous oxygen, is it? Yeah.

It's about 100 degrees below freezing. They do that at the table. So it's got that dry ice coming over the top like an old hammer horror. And then you have to eat it in one it comes out as a sort of and while you're eating it they spray lime essence around you from a sort of i've never been more limey in my life i went through the lime ceiling and the whole thing i do the same thing at home but without the the lime essence. Yeah, well, you spray a haddock. Yeah.

You shake your beard around. Yeah. Exactly what you've got to do is comb your beard. It'll be the same thing. It was actually brilliant. I'm not that interested in food, but I do like gimmicks. Oh, the Fat Dockers. It's a whole experience.

It is. We were in there four hours. Yeah? And it was like Zack Snyder's Justice League. You did get lost for three and a half, though, didn't you? No, honestly, it was... Did you see Heston? Did you see HB? I didn't see Heston, but it didn't matter.

We had our own storyteller. What else do you need in life? When the sweets come come a sweet shop comes out on a trolley did you get your goodie bag you open it oh yes it opens and there's a series of drawers that open uh and then you take your sweet oh man it's a special thing but salt bay um a meal for four cost 1800 quid that's what it said now that is

so there was three of us have a guess I mean I go there I've been there I'd like Alan to guess 85 quid per head you're saying no

I was going all in maybe round a bit extra up for a tip 85 quid okay per head you're saying no he's saying for the three I was going all in now bear in mind maybe round a bit extra up for a tip you know bear in mind 86

I know this sounds a bit sordid talking about but this was a thank you meal so the two people I was taking with me was a thank you for oh who were you what Kath and her mother

for tolerating you no it was professional colleagues. What a lovely man you are. I am. So how much was it for three? That's a lot.

Like £1,250. No, no, no. Frank, that's so nice that you did that. Anyway, three of us. £900. £900 quid. Let's change the game. It's not higher than that.

No. It was £1,064 quid for three of us. Now, I know that sounds horrible, but can you put a price on a big thank you for people who've done a great job? Yeah. Okay. Well, that was the one I put on it.

That is lovely, Frank. Well, I am lovely. You are. Occasionally. You are lovely, but that's... And it was an occasion. Goodness, did they enjoy it? No alcohol, by am lovely. You are? Occasionally. You are lovely, but that's... And it was an occasion. Goodness, did they enjoy it? No alcohol, by the way.

I mean, if I pay Frank's rules. And certainly no Red Bull. Don't you see I once had Red Bull before I interviewed David Ginola and I had my first ever can of Red Bull. Someone said, try this, you'll really... How do you find it? Well, it does give you wings and also palpitations they don't use that

in the slogan anyway look that's enough I'm sorry if I offended you with that food price but like I say it was

can you put a price on love? no also God I have but that was a long time ago so look and it was a lot less God

ow a lot less thank you so much for listening to us this morning i was supposed to do a summary at the end of the show about what i thought about how funny i was yeah i'm gonna say i was um i was uh i'm gonna say seven and a half out of ten for my performance today i thought there were there were glorious moments. And plateau. But I think sharing my actual restaurant bill at the end

was a flourish, which will offend many and delight others. That, my friends, is showbiz. If the good Lord spares us, the voice broke. It wasn't emotion. Ant and the Creeks Don't Rise will be back again this time next week. Now get out.