The Frank Skinner Show - Spider Keeper

Episode Date: September 5, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has finally been to Crocodiles of the World. The team also discuss David Blaine’s Ascension stunt, uplifting Disney songs and dead elephants.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. We are live. We'd love to hear from you. You can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Hi, good morning, guys. Morning. Morning. I got in this morning and I thought I'd make myself a cup of tea.

Lovely. I'm a man of the people. Keeping it real. Yeah, and I was looking for my TARDIS mug. You know my TARDIS mug? Oh, yeah. The one where it fits more tea in than you'd expect. Exactly.

And it has got the TARDIS on it. Oh, I know. I've seen it, my friend. Yeah, so I couldn't see it in the box where we keep our things. And then I walked back into the studio and asked Faye, the assistant producer, I said, have you seen my TARDIS? And she said, yeah, I've put it there so you'd find it. I said, it wasn't there when I came in just two minutes ago. She said, oh, OK. I said, how long has it been there? She said, about two minutes ago. She said, oh, okay.

I said, how long has it been? She said, about half an hour. And I thought that was very good handling of the talent. When I said it wasn't there, she didn't say it was there. She went, oh, really? Wow. I get less and less of that as I go on, but it's a nice walk down memory lane. I love it when I feel the hand of management. Yeah, exactly.

The velvet rope. Yeah, so she wouldn't actually say, what are you talking about, you old fool? Right. She wouldn't say that. But elegantly done. It was beautifully done, and I was moved by it. In an old showbiz.

What's nice is that she's through a glass screen as if she's a convict of some sort, and she's nodding and smiling as if to say... I can't actually see her from here. Maybe that's for the best. We did ask for that plastic stuff that Holly and Phil cuddled, hugged through. Did you see that cuddled, hugged through. Did you see that?

Yeah. They hugged through the barricades. We could have got that and all had a hug, couldn't we? Was that this week? Yes. Yeah. They hugged through plastic. Yes. They had the sort of...

What happened to that show? Wow. It's become... 8, 12, 15. Wowee. Honestly, tell us what's happened to you. Every time I see a clip from it, it's the most bizarre. We all think, you know, that there's all this...

Like, I'm slightly obsessed with... Do you know Watchmen? Do you know that show? I know about it. I've not watched it. I think it might be the best television programme I've ever seen. What is Watchmen? Anyway, it's very, very strange and weird.

And then I'll watch a clip of Holly and Phil and think, you know what, we've got our own people doing this kind of work. And they're doing it live. It is. I might watch an episode. Is there any normal stuff on it? What do you say an episode, Frank? Is it on casual?

What season are you on? Yeah, Frank. Is it on casual? What season are you on? Yeah, exactly. That'd be great. Can you get the box set of this? The trouble is, I think it's only gone completely mad like the last couple of years. I think it used to be. Don't tell me what happens in season five.

No. Okay? Because I'm only up to season four. I think it used to be. It was odd, but this morning, it had a sort of Andy Warhol, nothing happened kind of thing to it. And now I think they've got a bit of freedom there and they're experimenting.

I respect them for that. They've become like some sort of artist's cooperative. Yes. Yeah, so I must... It's Andy Warhol's cooperative. Yes. Yeah, so I must... It's like Andy Warhol's factory. I must check it out, but it leaves me desolate after watching just 10 or 12 minutes of it.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. What about when I worked there years ago? Did you? Yeah. Did you? My abiding memory is when I broke my little toe and Philip Schofield said, oh, I'll get my driver to take you to the hospital.

That can be nasty. That's nice. That's lovely. But it was a penny farthing. That was part of their avant-garde approach to work. And he couldn't really get on. There's only really one pedal. Phil just clung on to him like a backpack

but yeah anyway so I oh I've just about to tell you something interesting and then the producers leapt in with the fez and shut up, move on that sign, you know that sign that she

holds up, yeah it's her fave You know that sign that she holds up? Yeah. It's her fave sign. Okay. It's not a good sign. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I went to see a lady. No, I went to Crocodiles of the World.

Oh. Do you know it? Well, I've seen it on the motorway yes it's one of those you get the sign for um crocodiles have always been intrigued there is there is a sister establishment um which has crocodiles of other planets but this one is the of the world and i had a great day there i'm going to tell tell you. I went there in the sun. It was brilliant. It's a ringing endorsement. There was lots of masks and hand-washing and stuff. Well, they get them to do that.

Yeah, I mean, it's not easy on a croc as well. Well, they're very biddable. I thought they'd be more independently minded, the crocodiles. What they pull over the snout is an old bagel sleeve. Oh, is it? How do you get them over here? That's a did the crocodiles? What they pull over the snout is an old bagel sleeve. Oh, is it? Yeah.

How do you get them over here? That's a tricky old journey. What, the crocodiles? Yeah. There used to be a question we used to discuss in the pub when I was lost. Is what do they do when an elephant dies at the zoo? Oh, yeah. What do you do with

the body? Just leave it by the bins? man to take now i imagine there's protocols what are they there if you ever to the zoo um what do you do with a dead elephant car 8 12 15 i mean you don't want the kids to be going past while they're sawing it up into you know no you're right that'd be awful i wouldn't like that i've got to be straight with you so do the crocs you know we've often talked on this show frank about how your monkeys are your stand-ups of the animal kingdom aren't they where are the crocs on the entertainment can we just define crocs from last week's crocs yeah although i was you know i said i was told

i was told i was saying last week that that my eight-year-old son, I was told by a shoe shop assistant, was in between crocs. Oh, yeah. As far as the size. I was literally in between crocs. Ah. This, this. There's a lot of crocodiles there.

Okay. Good. And as far as the comedy is concerned, and this is a bit odd because there are crocodiles, there are alligators there as well. I've found quite a lot of alligators. In fact, if I was the alligators agent, I'd be having a word about billing because crocodiles are the world full stop. What's the difference between those two? I'm glad you asked that because I asked the lady Did you?

that question Excellent You know when you ask a question like that You know when you get a question and you think this is a good question Anything like that I go to quite a lot of zoo talks Do you?

I remember Boz when he was about six, he put his hand up at the chimpanzee house and said, why do they have those big pink bombs? Oh, yeah. And the bloke was very awkward about it. Oh, really? Because I think it's to attract partners.

I believe so. But he said, oh but he said they sit down a lot and I thought that's just you're lying now don't give misinformation because of your embarrassment no exactly it's like

that bowdlerised Shakespeare so to actually give misinformation about a chimpanzee's bottom seems morally wrong to me. Anyway, the light entertainment there, because they've got crocodiles, alligators, snakes, Galapagos tortoise.

Oh, hang on, I see what you mean about the billing now. What the hell's going on? Yeah, it should be a reptile variety show or something Thank you Alan But of all the reptile stuff going on Suddenly, meerkats Now somebody has thought Well we need to lighten this up a bit

If I say to someone I saw the meerkats Oh really, where did you see them? Crocodiles of the world. What, was they on a plate? Also, I mean, talk about, if I was a meerkat, I'm just saying, I'd be a little nervy about my neighbours. How did I end up here?

It's like when I got accidentally booked into the children's tent at Glastonbury. Friends Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was talking, you asked me the difference between so I asked the lady I asked you the difference between crocodile and an alligator thank you and I

I I asked the lady and she wasn't that happy with the explanation. The bottom line is there's not that much difference. She said the main thing was that the alligator, I don't want to misquote her on this, has got quite dominant lower big sharp teeth

where the crocodile tends to specialise in upper. Whereas I think alligator has a bit of both. specialise in opera. Whereas I think Alligator has a bit of both. I've never heard of the teeth being the distinguishing factor. And when you're checking them, you're open to sorting out something a bit less immediate than checking their teeth. Right.

But anyway, that's what she said. Do you think she just made it up? No, no, she wasn't. Did you want like a stripe on their back or something like different? I wanted something very, yeah, different washing instructions or something. Yeah, but it was brilliant. I like it. There was a bit where they hold like a dead rat.

They hold a dead rat over the top of this pond. And these crocodiles are all jumping up. And trying to bite. You can hear the jaws going. You know what the jaws... You know when you watch a Punch and Judy thing? You know the crocodile in that? There's a proper...

I need two... Can you get me two planks of wood, please? Sarah, so I can demonstrate this. And I can't do it. But it's a ring on. And it sounded like that, these things were leaping up trying to get this dead rat it was quite medieval looking back

it was great anyone who's never seen a punch and Judy it's cancelled now is it cancelled? there's a bit of domestic violence and police. I think the police get killed.

And he's also, Mr Punch is one of those blokes that you get in the papers now and again who keeps a crocodile in his flat. He's one of those. For some reason, he's the same with his wife and his kid, but he's got a crocodile. You know those blokes? Yeah.

Occasionally they're exposed in the paper. They try to get one down the toilet because he's got too big or something like that. Can I ask a question? Is it Punch and Judy who says, that's the way to do it? Mr. Punch. Why does he say that?

Because that is the way to do it. I once said that lightheartedly in a, let's call it a bedroom adventure. Oh, you did it. And it went very, very, it went very badly. I thought,

you know, I'm a comic, I expect that kind of thing. A bit of levity. At least I held back on naughty, naughty, naughty.

It's great. I love a bit of Punch and Judy, I must say, but it doesn't, if you explain it, it's not one of those shows that doesn't work that well in summary. You have to be there. You do have to be there.

If I just listed the events, you'd think, oh, that's absolutely terrible. Very squeaky chair here, apologies. It's great. My chair's a bit... Hold on. That's it, that's got it right. We've got an answer that I'll bring to you after this

from 563 about what happens to elephants. Yeah. OK, I've got a question for you guys and I don't want you to... No Googling now. OK. You know the rules. Yeah.

There was a crocodile, a big crocodile, and it was just sitting on the bottom of the tank and I said to Kath and Boz, let's wikes, I want to see this one. It's probably the biggest one in the whole place. I want to see him come up. How long can a crocodile, would you say, stay underwater? Ooh.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And we had a couple of, I think we had double cliffs. Yes. Yeah, we did. Well, you had sent out one of your more obscure textings of what do they do with dead elephants at the zoo. Yes. Oh, God.

And 563, I think, might be pulling our collective legs here, says dead animals at zoos get fed to carnivores. Can that be true? I really hope not if that got out, this isn't getting out we're on national radio are we? look behind you

no I and also people, if you went to the zoo and there was a complete dead elephant in the lion thing, there's going to be some reference. Especially in the age of Twitter, you might have got away with it 15 years ago. I think they'd probably spray it gold and use it as a chair, like the foyer.

Oh, yeah. Make it like an elephant chair or something like that. Yeah, but it would... Colonial house. It would decay, though, wouldn't it? Yeah, I think you can probably treat it. Oh, I don't like this. Oh, OK.

I saw the dead elephant in the wild. Oh, thanks. No, in the wild. Yeah. It's quite a big event when a dead elephant goes because the lions go first and then I think it's the hyenas. Oh, right.

And there's a proper food chain thing. And at the end, the termites go into the bones, and it's just dust. Oh, for the marrows. It's brilliant recycling. But they don't do that at the zoo. I don't think that's the answer. They take too long at the zoo, I think. I cannot believe they just chuck it in the lion.

Carnivores. What if you killed a lion, fell on a lion? I mean, come in and just got your kids with you and there's a dead elephant with a dead lion underneath you. It'd be like those meals people used to have when there used to be a wren inside a pigeon. Inside Henry VIII or something. Exactly.

But no, not 2020, people don't want that. So what about how long can a crocodile stay underwater? Oh, yeah. Al? Eight minutes. Okay. I'm going to go a similar ballpark. About 11 I'm going to go.

So I asked the lady. Oh, yeah. I said we was going to wait. The lady. I said how long. How long before. She said he can stay down about four hours. Oh.

Shut up. I mean, calm off. Four hours. Were you waving your ticket at her? How much? He can't. Yeah, that's what she said. I mean, he was a big gun.

She said he reduces... Is he a big unit? He reduces his heartbeat to about one beat a minute or something like that. Right, like a version of the Free Divers. I mean, incredible. I've known people like that. Yeah. Four hours, Frank.

I thought I was going to have a heart attack. When the alarm went off this morning, it really made my heart thump. You know when you're deep in sleep? And I thought, this is what will finish me off, the alarm, morning alarm. Ironically, it's there to wake you up. Did he keep his eyes open? Minister, will you answer the question? Did the croc keep his eyes open?

He did the very, very slow blink. You know the ventriloquist dummy? Slow blink. Creepiest thing in the world. So he'd blink, but it's just not quick enough. It's ventriloquist dummy and very posh people. If you were... Blink so slowly, the posh ones.

If you got really close to the mechanics of a ventriloquist dummy when it blinked, you'd hear... Oh, man, terrifying. Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. Oh, man. Terrifying. We've been somewhat chastised, us, you know. Oh, here we go. You know your unusual texting of what do they do if an elephant dies at a zoo? Yeah. And we've been, you know, kicking around for various ideas.

398 has said, you're such townies. Of course they feed dead animals to the carnivores. They can't burn them. They can't bury them. What else are they going to do? Firstly, thank you so much for the compliment taken. Also, I don't know if it's a country people thing. Oh, I'll tell you about elephants.

Oh, yeah, they're fed to the hyenas. That's the old way. The old way we treat them. I like the idea of you and your fancy London ways. You know nothing about disposal of elephant carcasses. You know nothing about

African and Indian wildlife. But thank you 390 for your contribution. No, thank you. Of course. I don't believe, 390, for your contribution. No, thank you. Of course. I don't believe, I think you're wrong, though. I cannot,

I'm quite a big zoo fan. I know people think, I'm a member of a London zoo. I've got a family membership. Ow. Money to burn. Can I just say, that's so adorable.

I'm a zoo fan. It's like having pen pals. I do. I really like zoos. It's like having pen pals. I do. I really like zoos. And I know that, you know, but London Zoo and Whip's now seem to be very nicely caring and etc. But I do not believe, I'll tell you something,

the people I've spoken to who work at zoos, and I talk to, you know, the lady and whoever. I'm always talking. The spider, the spider keeper gave me his business card at London. Did he really? I've all known an enormous spider coming and I thought of Ringo Starr immediately. No, you're all right.

Also, as your name drops go, the spider keeper at London Zoo. Yeah. That's all I've got left, love. So, but they are the nicest, and I'm not, I gain nothing from this. I pay for my membership, so I'm not going to get any freebies.

It's not even a perk. No, it's not a perk. It's not about 20 quid or something. No, it's for family membership. Anyway, it's worth every... Calm down. But anyway, they're always really nice people.

I don't believe they're going to say, oh, yeah, let's saw up the elephant and feed it to the penguins. Well. Yeah. 436 has texted, ahoy, Frank and Co, former zookeeper here.

Oh! Unfortunately. I wish we had a jingle. Can we have a jingle for a zookeeper? Hold on. Wait, former zookeeper here. Oh! Unfortunately. Can we have a jingle for a zookeeper? Hold on. Wait, how's doing it? I must have a jingle. There has to be something appropriate.

I'm going to find something that'll be good. Something Johnny Morris-like? You know the type of thing, Frank. What about... Oh. It's a bit sexy for a zookeeper. I'm thinking getting strong. You know when the mother rejects the animals and they have to fade them with small milk bottles and eventually they bring them to...

I'm thinking of those moments. Okay, we'll have one. Okay, don't shoot the messenger on this because I am just reporting it and you did ask quite a mac macabre texting didn't you i genuinely want to know oh well well here it is ahoy frank and co former zookeeper here unfortunately it's a case of butchery bags and an incinerator never personally done an elephant my pb is bacteria and camel oh what and then they finish with icky job. Oh.

But you know what? It's better than feeding them to the animals. It's really tickled me with icky job. But if you're disposing of a bacteria and you don't want to be shouting into the lion cage, one lump or two. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. People have. It's been great. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Or, of course, you old traditionalists can email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

That is all you know and all you need to know. I think we should head to the outside world, Frank, if you're happy with that decision. Can I just put a coat on? Just a light jacket. Of course. OK. Firstly, Ray has texted in this morning.

Great name. I'm not sure what the chat is about in regards to zoos yet. Podcast listener in Australia. Oh, OK. But has obviously seen some word on the street, as it were, the social media street that we're discussing zoos. Yeah. Ray says, what is a reasonable price, in your opinion,

for a meet and greet with meerkats as a present for the wife at Christmas? Cheers, Ray. Tough one, that. In US dollars, or should we go sterling? Oh, he's in America? No, we're AUD, Australian dollar. Oh, OK. We'll sound about 50 pence to the dollar.

About 2.5 times, I would say. Oh, OK. Oh, God, I hope that's accurate, because a lot of our listeners are Travel Exchange Bureau staff. Oh, yeah, we get a lot of Dachange. We've got a big Dachange following. The BDC are big fans of

ours. I've always loved that. The Bureau Dachange. Dachange. They should call that. You know the, where you go and try your clothes on? In clothes shops. That should be called the Bureau de Chaux. Oh, yeah, nice.

People don't think it through. So, a mag with a meerkat, as I believe they're called, the YouTubers call them, they meet and greet. Oh, a mag. Oh, that's good. Well, as I said, there was meerkats are crocodiles of the world and there was a thing there which my child did. You could go under a tunnel and come up under a Perspex dome in the midst, in the very midst of the Meerkats.

That sounds good. Yeah, so you could sit in there like a World War II fighter pilot in his cockpit. And did that cost extra? No, no, he just had to be small enough to get into it. If I'd have got in there, I'd still be in his cockpit. And did that cost extra? No, no. He just had to be small enough to get into it. If I'd have got in there, I'd still be in there now. So you could... With the fire people trying to get me out. You could just enter the world very literally.

I don't know, but if I was going to have a meet and greet with me, I don't think you can actually touch them because I know they look cute, but I bet they'd have you thrown out. Yeah, I think so. cute, but I bet they'd have you thrown out. Yeah, I think so. Well, Alexandra. Yeah, I would say I wouldn't pay more than 200 quid.

Oh, I think we have to give the answer in bucks, in Aussie bucks. Okay, well, that would be... I'll do the conversion while you tell us how much. 450 bucks? Oh. 450 Australian. Hang on, Oh. £450 Australian. Hang on, bucks.

Are we talking Australian? Oh, we're getting very... What we need is a Bureau de Chance. Yeah. I'm not going to... Oh, no, I'd say, you know, £50 max. Really? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you might be right. I just... Even then, I wouldn't agree to it right now, but that's partly because you know times are tough but if it's a special you know

how much would you pay Frank? 200? I'd go 200 quid for a meet and greet you know I want certain things yeah

3, 6, 4 Aussie dollars that's going to set you back ok I'd want to be able to wear one as a scarf for photos oh yeah for example I'll tell you what I'd insist it be able to wear one as a scarf for photos.

Oh, yeah? I tell you what, I'd insist it had its velvet smoking jacket on. Oh, the smoking jacket. Playboy Mansion style. And the lab coat and spectacles. Does Ray tell you how much the actual price is? No, I think he's seen what's these. It's a very interesting text, how much money do you think I should pay for this? Yeah.

Yeah? I mean, we're not go compare. It's a very interesting text, how much money do you think I should pay for this? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we're not go compare. I don't get to start all sending it in. It does seem like Ray might think we are. Yeah. Yeah. But that's where I'd go. But, you know, I'd want lovely special treatment for that money.

But, you know, who's it for? His wife's birthday party? Yeah. Can you put a price on love? It's a present for the wife at Christmas. 8, 12, 15. Can you put a price on love? Yeah, I don't want anyone finding it insane.

Yeah, I will be Milton Keynes. Spoiler alert. Yes. Thank you. Apparently, the Beatles, even with their money, were unable to purchase love. Oh, lovely. We've been talking this morning of animals.

Your zoo experience, Frank. Well, Croc of the World. Crocodiles of. Well, Croc of the World. Crocodiles of the World, by the way. Croc of the World, that different Titanic moment. Sounds like a version of Top of the Morning to you. I'm Croc of the World. I'm Croc of the World. Can I say about Crocodiles of the World,

it was a place where I'd... I think we've all got places like this. I passed the sign for Crocodiles of the World probably 50 times. And always said, oh, must go into Crocodiles of the World. You know, there's a lot of places. I mean, I think Gulliver's Kingdom

was a place I passed the sign for a lot on the motorway. You know those brown signs? And I thought, I must check out Gulliver's Kingdom. I like the sign for a lot on the motorway. You know those brown signs? And I thought, I must check out Gulliver's Kingdom. I like the sound of it. Very, very big people tied down. It's my idea of a good weekend. But I think it's gone.

Gulliver's Kingdom. Is that something you couldn't find or is that somewhere else? No, no, that was Cotswold Reptile. Which I pass regularly. Oh, do you? Well Cotswold Reptile Farm. Which I pass regularly. Oh, do you? Well, I've passed Crocodile World, I think.

Has Gulliver's Kingdom gone? 8, 12, 15. Yeah. If you tell us. Of course, there is the old classic, which I've passed many, many versions of this. Model Village. Oh, yeah.

I mean, I've never, I think I've seen one model village in my life. And there was one, Billing Aquadrome, which used to be on the M1, I think. Oh, yeah. And every time I passed it, I used to sing, Billing, Billing, Aquadrome, unless my current relationship was, I thought, faltering,

and then I wouldn't sing it until that was over. That was my rule. Yeah, and I can't stop without the ear. Sorry, I just want to briefly pause and go back to the question Ray had posed regarding the meerkat visit, because I like it when our readers help out other readers Oh yeah. Roz has responded

to Ray. Hi Frank and the gang. On the animal encounter discussion, i.e. the one posed by Ray, I bought for my husband's birthday a couple of years ago an animal encounter with a tapir Tapir? Oh yeah, the ones with the odd nose. It was called

Tickler Tapir at Paradise Wildlife Park. They're about the size of a cow, but roll onto their sides so you can tickle their bellies like a dog. OK. I paid about £200 for the encounter. Well, that's what I said. What I put on it. Which equates to a bureau de charge rate of 364.6 Australian dollars.

Great. I'd pay a monkey. That's confusing. If you found up the zoo and said, I want to see the meerkat, I'll pay a monkey. That's just going to confuse people. By the way, on the signpost thing, what intriguing signpost have you never acted on?

8, 12, 15. Oh, well, a bit of an update on that. Gulliver's hasn't gone. They've just opened a new one in Rotherham from Bob in Rotherham. Well, of course, I think there's four chapters to Gulliver's travel, so they could do the big giant Gulliver and then they could do tiny, tiny

Gulliver. And once you get to the yahoos and the humanims, anything could happen. Prior to that, I was going to ask you chaps what you thought in other animal news about the bare necessities

from the Jungle Book being voted Disney's most uplifting song ever. Is that right? Can we discuss this? I like it. It's good, isn't it? Yeah, but you're saying that as if you've just heard it, like in the manner of Terry Venables

hearing Three Lions for the first time and saying, Frank... Oh, it's a real key tapper. It is a real key tapper. Lost tapping his car keys on the table. It is a real key tapper. Is Bare Necessities a real key tapper. Whilst tapping his car keys on the table. It is a real key tapper. Is bare necessities a real key tapper? Frank Skinner.

Well, first of all, the people... I wondered what percentage of the people who voted for bare necessities got the pon in bare necessities. Oh, they must. What do you think? I think a lot, but I bet it wouldn't be 100. I bet it would be 80s.

In its favour, I do have a lot to say about this song. Oh, do you? How long have you got? I would say it contains one of the greatest rhymes ever, which is, that's why a bear can rest at ease. Oh, I thought you were going to say where you pick a pawpaw or a prickly pen, you get a sawpaw next time beware. That's quite good stuff.

But you're right. Each to their own. Where a bear can rest at ease is very... It's very taut, that rhyme. It is. I'm not saying it isn't a good song. You eat ants? I mean, that's one of the great throwaway lines, isn't it?

Well, although it does have the spoken lyrics, and you, that's one of the great throwaway lines, isn't it? Well, although it does have the spoken lyrics, and you know that's my greatest fear, is when the musical song, when they include speech in it. Do you know what I mean by this? But one of my favourite things about Disney albums is the bit of dialogue either side of it. Haven't you got a mother or a father? Just those bits, little snatches of dialogue.

Golly, thanks, Baloo. We must move on. The producer is looking absolute daggers at me. I hate that. Daggers would be what we'd call, someone at Absolute Radio is called Jeff Dagenham. He'd be known as Daggers. So we were talking about the bare necessities.

Father. Yeah. And... And its popularity. Yeah. Oblifiting is what they've gone for. Oh, popularity. Yeah. Oblifting is what they've gone for. Oh, yeah. Yeah. How do you feel about Take a Glance at the Fancy Ants?

I'm afraid it would have to be in my case. Oh, yeah. So that works all right for me, Glance and Ants. It's a good song. I don't know. I would say the most uplifting Disney song is, you know, Step in Time from Mary Poppins. Oh, yes.

A chimney step in time, a chimney step in time, never a reason, never a rhyme. A chimney step in time, you know. You find that uplifting. Oh, God, I find that whole sequence utterly exhilarating. Do you? Oh, man, I'll say. The reason I find it I find it

not Alan Cochran step in time Alan Cochran step in time never need a reason never need a rhyme Alan Cochran

step in time you can use that when you get your own show if you can rewrite it with Alan Cochran's out of time then I can definitely use it Bush and Ritchie

step in time Bush and Ritchie step in time never need a reason never need a rhyme I'm one of the whole the whole absolute roster I'll replace Matt Berry as the yeah Take me time. Never need a reason. Never need a rhyme, bastard. I'm going to do the whole... Absolute roster.

I'll replace Matt Berry as the... Yeah. Jason Manford. Sorry, carry on. What I would say about bare necessities is... The reason I wouldn't use the word uplifting is I... I find the character Baloo a slightly sort of responsibility avoidant. Oh, God.

You're on the radio. He's eating crisps. I'm sorry. I thought Emily's going to talk for a bit. I'll have a crisp. Honestly. Sorry, I forgot. I'm sorry.

I apologise. You eat crisps? Yes, he is. His childcare responsibilities are. Yeah. Whereas Bagheera, who most people probably couldn't even name, is a very responsible, caring... I just think

Blue would turn up at your house and say, would you mind if I sleep on the sofa for a bit? He's that type. He's a nightmare. And Bagheera doesn't even get a song which is almost true of the responsible caring people. No one's interested in them.

Second, we should say this, I think it was a Radio Times poll. It was Hakuna Matata I think was joined second with You've Got A Friend In Me. I find You've Got A Friend In Me one of the most depressing songs ever written. Yeah, I like that've Got A Friend In Me one of the most depressing songs ever written.

Yeah, I like that. It's the sort of jazz bar vibe. It's Randy Newman, isn't it? I mean, I'm just saying, all good songs, not uplifting. No, that's not uplifting. Especially for someone like me who doesn't have any friends. Yeah.

Seems to be just rubbing my nose in it. Well, I similarly am dwindling mine, like me who doesn't have any friends. Yeah. Seems to be just robbing my nose in it. Well, I similarly am dwindling mine, but I take solace in Randy Newman saying, you've got a friend in me. I think, oh, there's always this song. There's always Randy Newman. If I phoned up Randy Newman and said,

I really need to talk, things aren't going right, he wouldn't give me time of day. No, he probably wouldn't. He seems a very miserable, difficult individual. Wow. They review. Wow. They review very miserable, difficult individual. Wow. Their review. Wow. Their review on Randy Newman's career. Is he still alive?

I think so, yeah. Is he okay? I believe so. God bless him. He's up at the moment as well. There you go. What do you think of Hakuna Matata? I like Hakuna Matata.

I like it, but it reminds me of the New Zealand rugby team doing the haka a little bit. You know, the sort of... It's sort of not a million miles off. I believe it's a bit problematic, the song. Is it? Hakuna Matata, is it? I believe so.

Well, if everything's problematic, then probably it falls under that umbrella. I think it's because Disney trademarked the phrase and it's a Swahili phrase. Oh, really? Thank you. What I have an issue with, rather than that, is that the concept of the,

it's our problem-free philosophy doesn't quite make sense. Discuss. What they actually mean, it's our philosophy based on the principle of no problems. It's not a philosophy without problems. Thank you. Your witness, Frank Skinner.

Yeah, I like it. I like it. That told me. Yeah. And also, I think once you've copyrighted it, it means no worries for the rest of your days, which is a good thing. It's just, there's a lot of good stuff.

I mean, it's a tough poll that isn't it because there's so many i'll tell you what i wouldn't mind having a text in what's your favorite bit of accidentally included dialogue on uh disney albums you know just that little things like you eat ants and stuff like i love all that um Any others, I'd love to hear from them. But it's, I mean, the thingy of life, the circle of life. Oh, I love that one. It's very, that's uplifting in its own sort of new age. It's the most uplifting in the canon.

Yeah. Yeah, and it starts, of course, with us and Vecna. Yeah. So it's gone a bit of everything. It is. There's endlessly good songs. Well done. Well done, Disney organisation, on that front at least.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We've had a response to your line. It's sort of inadvertent i don't know if they're quite inadvertent but the the dialogue droppings mid disney song sophie and jed here on our way to mary stroud gloucestershire we particularly enjoy zazu's not yet input in simba's song just can't wait to be king oh yeah it sounds who actually does some some very good um additional bits just chalk stuff yeah it's a bit um are you familiar with bob wills and his texas

playboys no just a bit of gossip about her yeah it's um he was a bloke it's one of the most compelling i watch him on youtube now and again because his entire stage presence Yeah, he was a bloke. He's one of the most compelling... I watch him on YouTube now and again because his entire stage presence is amazing. And what happens is that people play the violin or something and he goes, ah, that's good, and stuff like that. It's really... And he just looks like some weird uncle

who's got a bit drunk at the teenage party. But I'd recommend Bob Wills. OK. Oh, that's lovely. Yeah, he's good on additional. Here's a question. I haven't seen the new Mary Poppins. No, me neither.

No. Is it a remake of the last Mary Poppins, or is it a sequel? Oh. Because I was thinking, you know the current trend at Disney is to remake the animated films as a live action. Yes. If it's a remake of Mary Poppins,

would it be like real penguins dancing and surfing? Well, then I would see it, because you know that's my phobia. Yes, I know. It's the animated characters interacting with human beings. No, I know you never like that. I don't like it. It makes me ill. I have to look at films to check before I watch them if there is any content with that.

I don't even want to talk about it again. How long before there's a meeting at Disney where somebody says, why don't we take the live action movies that we've had big hits with and make animated versions of them? Because the whole thing is like a massive recycling. Do you think they'll say, it worked for the TV series Mr Bean? Yes. Because that's what they'll say it worked for the tv series mr bean yes that's what they did and it worked out really well and um they used to do it a lot jackson five had a a lot in the 70s frank oh yeah also i think if you're drawing the talent you can um you can break

a lot of the rules about health and safety and, you know, how the animals are looked at. If they're just cartoons, like, it's much, much easier logistically to make those programmes. This is my thing about poppets. They should have poppets presenting the news and stuff. And then you wouldn't... Already do. They already do.

Yeah, right. People... Moppets, more like. But, you know, is there any reason why you couldn't have a puppet soap opera? I would watch that, definitely. Imagine if they dealt with very serious issues in the soap opera.

I would like that. And the puppets had very high-pitched, odd voices, like Zippy and George. Can we stay for ten minutes after and pitch this? This is definitely a go. You wouldn't have stars holding the BBC to ransom. Oh, no. Which is obviously something I'm not...

I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Physician, heal thyself. Exactly. But it would just give something extra to me if they were puppets. And, you know, actors. I'd love that. Theatre, that's where you want to be.

I'd love a period drama, like Brideshead Revisited. All those would work brilliantly. Oh, man. But a discussion programme, that would be... If you recorded a discussion programme, then you could have... I don't mean like spitting image. I mean puppets that look nothing like them. No, Frank that's the way to do it. Come on, and

there wouldn't be this worry about coffee people not doing, call me When we were talking about songs just moments ago, before that song, you know we were talking about up just moments ago, before that song, we were talking about uplifting Disney songs. I have a thing where if somebody's got a very, very nice house and I'm seeing it for the first time,

I sing A Whole New World. Oh, yeah. I can show you a world shining, shimmering. I'm not going to sing it on the radio, but you know what I mean. It's nice, isn't it? I wish you'd have sung it on the radio. The whole thing as well,

with me and Emily just looking at each other and sort of pulling face like... Oh, no. And then when he got to the soaring, tumbling, freewheeling bit, that's pre the big note. I'd have probably done some soaring, tumbling. No, no, but we... No, Albert.

We've got to do the show. He's doing all the parts, Frank. Yeah. I'm not going to do that Arabian night can we can I return you boys back to

last week's show because our our readers do get in touch in the interim don't they yeah and attention must be paid yes

we discussed county interim what that holding place in touch in the interim, don't they? Yeah. And attention must be paid. Yes. We discussed... County interim. What? That holding place they have in Northern Ireland. What do you buy in a sleeve? Oh, yes, because someone last week was talking about having a sleeve of bagels. It was somebody that I was interacting with

who said there's another sleeve of bagels in there. Oh, yes, it was. Yes, he was a friend of yours. Someone else, one of our other readers responded and said that a flatmate of theirs as a student had boasted at having eaten a sleeve, an entire sleeve of Weetabix. I mean, that's so good. Yeah. In fact, it's so good that even though it's the second time I've heard it, the thrill I got was not much smaller than when I first heard it. That was a sleeve of Weetabix.

It's one of the most beautiful phrases I've ever heard. So people seem to have been texting in what they buy in sleeves, as it were. I got a trip down memory lane from Fee Marie, who said we used to get a sleeve of ten raspberry ripple mousses as a kid or how we'd dance a jig of joy. Lovely. I remember those. That'd be the E additives.

Yes. What are they? Ice creams? I think they were sort of a... From Bee Jams, it says. Yeah, I don't know what that is. What is Bee Jams? Is that like a... Oh, it's a frozen food store. Oh, is it?

It's like Iceland. I thought it was... Maybe it was a London thing. I thought it was what you sleep in. Put your Bee Jams on. Yeah, exactly. Oh, come on, they're covered in raspberry ripple. Jamie Walker has pointed out After eights, the sleeve.

I mean, that's a very literal sleeve, guys. An individual sleeve, yeah. Yeah, they're more like the inner sleeve on a vinyl. I didn't even say they might be a sock. Oh, no. No. No. No.

No, I think it is. I love socks. It comes in an individual sock. Also, you're making one of the nicest mints in the universe sound disgusting, the sock. Do you want a sock of after eight? I'd say they're essentially, it's a file. It's like a filing cabinet.

That's good. And you can go, what are those card index? Oh, yeah, like a Rolodex thing. Yeah, you sort of finger through it. It's a bit like buying albums in the old days. I'm going to go envelope, is what I would go. I mean, I appreciate there's no flap on them, but you

can't have it all. No, you're right. I once used one to collect my finger and toenail clippings, I remember. Did you? And put them in the bin.

Why do you tell that? And then someone took it out. I don't know what they were going to use it for, something else, and were horrified. But who would have thought anyone would take one of those out of the bin? You can't legislate for that. Yeah, that's definitely the worst thing that happened in that story, taking it out of the bin.

I think so. But I wouldn't call that a slip. To me, a sleeve has to have a collection of things in a row. I think those are individual. Right. I'm going to call it an envelope. Is that an envelope? Did you ever say that?

I love that. People who say envelope instead of envelope. Oh, man. People like that. They make it worth going out the house in the morning. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Coincidence. With Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8-12-15, 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I've got something to tell you, boys.

Oh. I went to stay with my friends in the country this weekend. Nice. I had a little staycation. It was responsible, can I say, because we were in a family social bubble, as it were. Yes.

It was my best friend, Jane. It's all right. You're amongst friends. That's fine. And my godchildren. I'm not judging you. You know, one of the things about this pandemic, there does seem to have been an outbreak of judgment,

doesn't there? Oh, yeah. Oh, man. People judging people for going two runs in the same day right at the start remember all that but it's difficult because shut up about it one could argue that you're judging the people who are judging the people i am two runs you're right you're right it's not worth it um i went to uh Dorset there's a monkey world there Frank we need to visit that I've been there in Dorset

in Dorset and there was a lovely surprise lying in wait for me Jane had set up an evening for us not me a cat experience. No.

Better than that. Monkeys. No, better than that. Can you guess? It's hard. I'm going to help you. She said, I've got an idea. I had an idea that we could have a fun evening.

I walked into the room. There was an easel. There was a canvas. There was a kit written on it. The Bob Ross Master Painting Set for Advanced Landscape Painting. Cool. We did... Just feel it on the canvas there.

No rush. We did a Bob Ross painting party. Oh, wow. Fun. Did you wear ginger afro? I've got some pictures to show you. I think maybe you can guess which. I should flag up, I had a bit of an issue.

Oh, yeah. I loved watching Bob, but the only thing I would suggest to anyone watching it in future, deciding to do the same thing can i say that bob bob ross the joy of painting is what emily's talking about which is on it's on about four different channels most nights on bbc4 in fact yeah he and he talks it's very calming when you're watching it you can always add color but it's a son of a gun to take it away. Yes, all that stuff. Son of a gun. What I find with Bob's colours,

I dabbed on the titanium white. Oh, yeah, there's a lot of that. What I found, I had issues with my mountains. My peaks went purple. Oh. Oh, was it cold? Yeah. God's sake, man. Oh, God.

I mean, come on. It's not the 1970s. Maybe in my part of me is my soul. It's in your house. It is. But what happened, I got my Van Dyke brown mixed up with my cadmium yellow. Oh, yeah.

And then I had my crimson berry in there. Next thing you know purple peaks yeah i was ashamed i think that's all right in the modern world where we don't feel tied to represent the colors um in in any real actuality i think it's fine sounds like a great idea i love the people who just go to the effort for something like that. Yeah. If I go away with someone, you know. Like I say, even organising caterers last week was a disaster. We had it all, Frank. No, it sounds great.

I mean, I miss the meerkat thing. Wouldn't it be great if somebody put one just through the letterbox if you paid someone to just put it, so they just appeared, like. That would be fun. And what I found about meerkats I was thinking this when I was at Crocs of the World that

when they're couchant i.e. on all fours they're pretty dull you mean when they're in a sort of Jeremy Kyle supine position

yeah but it's only when they are upright rampant shall we say, that the meerkat rampant. That's the only time they become cute. What you're saying is you find them appealing when they're in the begging

position. Well, I think when they, maybe that's it. Yeah. I don't know if it is quite begging. It's a power trip for you, isn't it? I think it is. But do I want them grovelling on all fours? I want them upright and proud.

Okay, okay. But it's interesting. Leave it. It means that when they're out in the outside world, they can just walk on all fours. You wouldn't even recognise them. So they get the celebrity and they also get a little bit of anonymity when they need it.

Meaats. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. I feel like we should discuss a certain David of Blaine this week. There's a long-held tradition of

his stunts being mocked by British comedians, and I don't think that should change now. Well, I believe Chris Rock said, is that the best we can do, a trickless magician? Is that what he said? Whoa, that is good. But it is.

It's weird, though, that this bloke who has been put in ice and buried underground, but I'm more impressed when he makes a card disappear in the old street magic he's just got a sense he's lost his sense of what people like for people that don't know

he did a thing this week that is it's on YouTube and it was on YouTube live where he floated up into the sky holding a handful of balloons. Lovely balloons. It's about three hours on YouTube. The first two and a half are him blowing up 52 balloons.

So scroll through that bit. No, it's not. It's called, well, I don't feel it's up to me to say this. I think Frank is the most appropriate person to reveal the title of this stunt Frank Skinner do you know what it was called it was called

Ascension I don't know if there was a feast involved no not at the moment but yes he is I would not be surprised to find out that David Blaine might think he was immortal or something of that nature. You know when they have those competitions, not competitions, but it's a question you get asked now and again, is who would be your ideal dinner guest?

Oh, yeah. You know, and people say, oh, I'd have Stephen Fry. They always have. He's the clichéd answer that everybody says, isn't he? Not everybody. Everybody that doesn't think about it for very long. Just have to all fly down the cab, you'll get him. But I would put David Blaine on the people I wouldn't have for dinner

if they were starving. Even if it was the feast of the insane. David Blaine on the people I wouldn't have for dinner if they were starving. I don't know. Even if it was the feast of the... I just, I can't imagine having an evening for him that wasn't, an evening with him that wasn't excruciating. And I don't know him, but, you know, you just get a... I just know that he would turn up in a $2,000 leisure wear top. Right.

He'd be wearing a five grand track suit. But if he did a bit of close-up, I'd be all right with that. But he wouldn't, would he? What'd he do? He'd say, right, I'm going to eat all the cutlery on the table. Don't do that. Don't do that. Do the thing when you rip up the newspaper

and then it's not ripped up. Yeah, yeah, that's it. Also, let's just say, in terms of his back cat, seven days in coffin. Okay. Sixty-three days in block of ice. Fair enough. Forty-four days without food. Paris Fashion Week. Excuse me.

Don't know you're born. Well, I went to see that that Imaniac was in the Perspex box. In London. Well, it was opposite your old gaff. It was a bit further down the river. But I went to see him. He waved at me.

Did he? I think they told him I was there. Worked with them all, haven't you? Oh, a celeb encounter. This thing that he did, this balloons thing, he said as part of his two year preparation that he trained to be a pilot

yeah what's the transferable skills between being a pilot holding on to balloons I'm wondering when he did the first Vexbox did he work for six months as a lift attendant he's trying to make himself into Daniel Day-Lewis but they don't have any Perspex Mox, did he work for six months as a lift attendant?

He's trying to make himself into Daniel Day-Lewis, but they don't have any bearing on what you're actually doing. What's the matter with you? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Blaine. Blaine, David. I'm doing the register. Two years.

As you say, Frank, it's an awfully long time for preparation for holding on to the balloons. I mean, I'm not saying I could do this, but basically he hot air ballooned and then he paraglided. Things that people do at the weekend. Yeah. And can I just say, he went to 25,000 feet, which is apparently, it's around a normal skydive height, isn't it? I don't think so.

I believe so. It's around where commercial aircraft fly. Because I, like yourself, when it said that he'd got his pilot's licence for it, I had a flashback to when I took my motorcycle licence and you have chats in the breaks with the other students and they say, oh, what bike is it that you want? Oh, I want a Triumph, I want that. Do you think there was a chat where David Blaine was asked,

oh, what flights are you going to do? Bloons, mainly. I'm going to go 52 Bloons. What plane are you going for? No, no. Do you think when things go wrong, you'll end up with the ones with Happy 50th on and he'll appear at people's parties? Well, I was wondering... Or he'll do proposal messages in the sky.

Oh, yeah. Oh, marry me. Or think he'll be over football ground saying, Moyes out. Oh, no. Has it come to this? I don't know how he's doing.

Is he doing, is he still at top end as far as? Blaine's bespoke balloons. Well, I think this was a big thing. This, you know. It wasn't, though, was it?

I'd like to know how many big, how many big stunts he's done that we don't know anything about. Just the press haven't really picked up on them. You know, he's probably done all sorts of... jumped off a skyscraper.

Yeah, it's a bit of a slow news. He dug his way to the centre of the earth with a spoon and just nobody even mentioned it. I mean, what he's worked out I think is he's gone uplifting because there was always a slight, he liked

the eyeliner didn't he and sort of dishevelled. There was an earnestness to blame. The danger. He's tried to

inject some joy into the performance. Yeah because there's not much joy in being in a coffin for seven days. It's not uplifting. He wouldn't come out of there.

They wouldn't be playing Bare Necessities the band when he came out from that. No, yes, I think that's something he has tried probably but he's not a man who seems to take easily to uplifting. Also,

that thing about Chris Rock saying that he's a magician without tricks, like, it's quite easy for other stuff to somewhat overwhelm his stuff. Like, I was looking at the newspaper where this was, and it said, oh, yeah, David Blaine, he floated with 52 balloons. And on the same page of the website,

there's a guy who managed to eat a tube of pringles on a four-hour flight so he didn't have to wear a face mask he he ate down a whole tube of pringles do you want we're amongst friends let's call it a sleeve well in Frank, one of our readers has messaged us about this very matter, saying that Andrew Key, I don't know about sleeves, but Alan Partridge buys pipes of Pringles. Oh. Oh, come on, pipes. Yeah, that's good.

But, I mean, that's, you know, someone else's comedy. But thanks for sending it in. Wow. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. We were just discussing Blaine's latest

stuff. I'll tell you what I miss about it, and maybe this is the point that Chris rocked, is what I liked, I went and saw Derren Brown the other magical DB and

he I I didn't want to know how he did it but I was fascinated I never want to know but it was it was a lot of

oh man how did he do that yeah I don't that's when he's lost who Blaine Blaine I don't think wow yes but brown i know who he did it brown i think delves into the psychology it's human psychology whereas blaine just wears eyeliner

and sits in a box yeah i mean as again i think it was chris quote me from among readers who also, he said he's a tricks magician, do something cut a lady in half thank you, yeah well I saw Copperfield do that what was Copperfield like? well see that's what I like he flew

he made it snow, he did tricks he cut a woman in half I mean he did the whole, he did tricks. He cut a woman in half. I mean, he did the whole... He gave them what they wanted. Yeah. Was he a big presence on this? He was like a small man. Well, it was in a pretty...

I can't remember what theatre. It was massive, though. And as I was leaving, I met a comic who I knew who had been doing the same 20-minute magic act for, I would say, 15 years. And he said to me, what did you think? I said, oh, man, it's gobsmacked. He said, oh, I would say, 15 years. And he said, what to me, what did you think? I said, oh, man, it's gobsmacked.

He said, I thought it was rubbish. But he used to do things. He used to, like, you know, he made, was it the Statue of Liberty he made disappear and stuff? That's a tricky thing. Did he wear a military jacket with gold buttons? I'm imagining so. Did he? I don't know.

Was that his thing? I can't really remember. That might have been me. My mum, she said to me, her great fantasy was when she was boiling the kettle to make tea, she used to be gripped by the idea of pouring the kettle down the back of the television set so it exploded.

Oh, yeah. Oh! I think Blaine could learn from that. Small, but like... Yeah, but powerful. Yeah. And unusual. It's got a bit of left-field thinking in him.

Yes. You know what I mean? Not flying with balloons. Come off it. Do you think he'll do it again? I worry that, well, I don't worry, but I think it might become like a thing that he just does all the time, that he travels by 52 balloons.

But I've got a suit and if I gain weight Stop showing off. You with your suit, you hanging out with this spider keeper at London Zoo there's no room for the rest of us to take up space. I have a suit that if I gain weight the trousers just get a bit like and they're quite a good

marker for how I am. I've got a suit like that. Yeah I just wonder if like is David Blaine eventually going to be going yeah I'm up to 62 balloons now marker for how I am. I've got a suit like that. Yeah, I just wonder if, like, is David Blaine eventually going to be going, yeah, I'm up to 62 balloons now. When I first did this, I was at 52. I'm going to have to start hitting the treadmill.

It would have been a better stunt if he'd been clinically obese. Oh my God. It would have been a greater spectacle. Do you think? There are some American celebrities, there's a greater spectacle, don't you think? There are some American celebrities, there's just not enough balloons. Can you imagine?

It just would have looked more brilliant. In the sky. At James and the Giant Peach, yes. It would have seemed a greater defiance of the natural laws than that. He looks like a bloke, pretend you could jump that high, David Blaine. He looks quite muscular and powerful. That's right.

Or maybe somebody on a sofa. You know what I mean? As a matter of fact, he hasn't thought it through. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You were asking earlier about signage that people drive past. 626 has said, Hi, Frank and the gang. The attraction sign I've never acted upon

is the Tank Museum in Dorset. Always say I will go each time I go past. Never do. I wonder what that's like. See, that wouldn't draw me in. The tank? Yeah. I'd quite like that.

I'm not much of a war fan. You know, a lot of people... What is it good for? Is that what you think? Well The tank? Yeah. I'd quite like that. I'm not much of a war fan. You know, a lot of people... What is it good for? Is that what you think? Well, yeah. Yeah. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.

Say it again? Museums. I used to do a routine about tug of war. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. I'm really bad at tug of war, Frank. Are you? I'm too slight in the upper body.

I can imagine you in that most embarrassing of situations when your feet aren't touching the floor if you're in a tug of war. Yes. Speaking of, I've been thinking during that song that we've had two things today we've discussed. One is David Blaine flying in, were they helium-filled balloons? I think they were, yeah.

Yes, they were, yeah. Helium-filled balloons. And how to make that more interesting. And also, what do they do with dead elephants at the zoo? Oh, dear. What about combining the two? Yeah, just tying as many helium balloons as you need, sending them off. A lot.

And just see what happens. Yeah, like a sort of Viking funeral, but in the air. Yeah, what you don't want is them to go quite quickly when they're over your house. Yeah. But one imagines they'd go slowly and the elephant would slowly drift down somewhere

and that would be probably local news. Yeah. And with a guy in a suit saying, so we had a trunk call today about a bit of an interesting incident in Ludlow Town Centre. Paul, what's going on down there? Well, I was all ears Jeff when they told me about it and I certainly, this is something

I will remember for the rest of my life. Well, it's certainly gone with the bank. Local news, love it. What I like is that BBC national news is exactly the same, but like the BBC breakfast is local news

but it's national. I like they've retained that flavour. Yes, so that's what I would have done. Have we had hotels as we move to the end? Oh, by the way, my book's out on Thursday. Shut up. So what about that? You can't just say my book's out.

More need the info, please. It's called Poetry Books. Let him say the name. How to Enjoy Poetry by Frank Skinner. Oh. They sent me some this week. Little dinky. You know those books that are just nice to hold. How to Enjoy Poetry.

Right, can we pre-order? He doesn't know to say things like this. I do. You can pre-order it. Well, I'm told there's something like... This weekend. I'm told there's 594 books coming out in the UK on Thursday. It's the day.

Thursday's the day. It's the Christmas day. But interestingly, I find most people in publishing take Fridays off. You work it out. Is that right? Yes. But only a couple of hundred of those

will be about how to enjoy poetry. I don't think... Oh, Max. Not all of them are in direct competition with you. Yeah, that's a good question. Oh, Frank, this is exciting. Will you sign mine? Yeah.

Have you gone a bit shy, boy? I just felt a bit ash-taggle. Oh, no! OK, so anyway, I've done a plug. I've done a bald plug. I love it when you get awkward. It's so retro. Yeah.

Yeah, I've... And unusual. You know what Pamela Anderson said to me when I interviewed her for the second time, having said that she couldn't remember anything about the first time. Work with them all. She said to me, I'll fight through the interview. Actually, I know I do remember being interviewed by you before.

I remember the awkwardness. She did, didn't she? She did. Oh, dear. Well, I'm very excited about it. You haven't shown me a cover reveal. Nothing. It's stylish.

I'll show you a picture of it. But on the socials. Thank you. Thank you so much for listening to us this morning. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. We'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.