The Frank Skinner Show - Spiritual Selfie

Episode Date: December 3, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank and Emily are joined by Pierre Novellie. This week Frank has performed at the Royal Variety and had an awkward encounter with Sophie, Countess of Wessex. The team also discuss marathons, the Severn Bore and Tim Key pops in.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Furthermore, we have a guest today, which doesn't happen that often. We'll be joined later in the show by the comedian Tim Key, who I think we can call a friend of the show.

We only really interview about six people in rotation. A closed circuit. Exactly. I don't know how that's happened. We have, yeah, we have those, David Baddiel, Neil Gaiman, is he in the six? Neil Gaiman, we had on Stephen Moffat. The skin of six, yeah.

Ian Brodie. Yeah. We don't want strangers to interview. It'd be quite a sort of cowboy gang. Yeah, it's just a bit of a cold start with a stranger. There's no ramp. Yeah. You need a ramp. They cold start with a stranger. There's no ramp. Yeah, you need a ramp.

They don't know our stories. I had a bit of comedy heartbreak yesterday. You must have had this, Pierre, maybe you too, Em, when you notice something and you think, oh, this is really, this is brilliant. I wonder if anyone else has noticed this. And in the old days, pre-internet, it wasn't a problem. You just went on stage, did it, blah, blah, blah.

It was great. But then you think, I'd better check. And then someone else. I'll tell you one day about the terrible long story about when I thought I had a brilliant idea for a joke which centred around the pun

meringue-a-tan. I mean it sounds peak you. Yeah. And I went on to the internet and went into a real dark wormhole. But anyway that's for another day. With this one, because I've been teaching my son guitar recently, I watched, as I think many people have,

The Trailer, as it's now called. You know, you go to that dress, The Trailer, which I'm sure emily has seen is for the harry and megan series on netflix and he plays guitar in one picture of them lovingly together and the chord he's playing is one i have never seen before so um boss boss my son who's ten and a half said hold on a minute he went and got the guitar and we froze the frame of the thing and he got the thing and he hit the cut it was the ugliest sound it is it is no chord csi skinner and i wondered I wondered if he's trying to, maybe he was trying to represent the discord

that they endured at the palace. That's the name of the chord. But I think more likely he was trying to pretend he could play guitar in a sort of an owl and the pussycat kind of a strange way. I'd recommend the trailer on Netflix, though. I would say the entire sound bed, yes, I use sound bed, of that trailer,

it's a real example of using music to underline. Because there's a point when they're, I think they're in Westminster Abbey or there's some occasion, and they cut to Kate, our Kate, can I say. They cut to Kate, yeah. Glancing over with a slight, it's a bit Wicked Witch, the music. Well, the expression. I don't like it.

You know, smiley, sweet girl next door. Well, girl next door if you live in a mansion. Girl across Hyde Park. Yeah. It seems everyone's friend. They've got a picture of her looking like she's going, come on, then. And then cut to Megan in tears.

I mean, oh, man. It's a similar sort of approach to the X Factor producers. Yes, yeah. You're going to edit in a baddie. Clap of thunder. Anyway, continuing the royal theme, I did the Royal Variety performance this week. You may be able to tell by my voice, by the way,

that I've been ill this week. I was so ill on Tuesday, I started watching England-Wales in the World Cup and after ten minutes I went to bed and gave up. Now that, that's ill. But nevertheless, the show must go on. Royal this, Royal that. And it was... Apart from the fact that I was dying on my feet, it was quite an adventure, which I will share with you after this baby. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I was... Royal Variety Performance is a long day. This is my third, and it always works the same they get you there about half nine and you're released from the venue at about 11 o'clock and they don't like you leaving in case you disappear once the Royals are on no one can leave or enter the building is this half 9 a.m. yes and 11 p.m. 11 p.m. And you're in there, and it's all shared dressing rooms.

That's very nearly a whole day. I would say that's a whole day, and it feels like one. So me and Dave arrived, and I was... I'd lay in bed that morning thinking, shall I pull out? Because I really did. I couldn't speak hardly. But anyway, you know doctor theater which doesn't work on throats but never mind so i was sharing a dressing room with david badil al mori axel blake who um won britain's got talent comedian om Jalili and the male members of Chic.

That was our little gathering. Extraordinary. High morale. And all day long you're walking around the corridors and just bumping into, you know, various celebrities. There was a lot of comedians. The person who made me laugh

the most on the day was are you familiar with Becky Hill oh yes Becky Hill was absolutely

hilarious Becky hilarious that's what I can't tell you any of the jokes she told me but I'll tell you

off air oh okay also I think she might be moving towards a stand up act so I'm not going to tell any of the jokes she told me but i'll tell you off here oh okay also i think she might be moving towards the stand-up act so i'm not going to tell any of her stuff she was great and she's from beaudley which is um not far from where i grew up it's in worcestershire and it was the first family holiday i went on um because we thought the sea was a bit far but the river seven because we thought the sea was a bit far, but the River Severn was only 12 miles away.

So we went and stayed on the river. We never went ever on holiday, and this was, we went for a week, 12 miles from our home. But she'd never seen the boar. And there is a thing. Now, I always look to Pierre at these moments, because he knows everything. Have you heard of the Seven Boar? I don't think so.

Nah. Well, the Seven Boar is a mysterious, some might say a mystical, wave that comes down the River Severn on occasion. Some try to, locals try to surf it, right? There's a big surf culture in Budapest. People sort of hanging ten and giving their... Do you know, that's one of the most adorable things, is British surfers.

So adorable. Oh, yeah, they're a brave bunch. No, I love that new key and all that, yeah. But if there's anyone listening, 8, 12, 15, who knows a bit more about the boar, if you've seen the boar, I've never... Oh, and Becky, who hasn't seen the boar? She's from Bewdley.

And is it boar as in the animal or the... No, I think it's boar as in the person. Which person? Well, I'll tell you as this... You'll see as this story continues. Anyway, I love Becky Hill. She's great. Have you heard her...

Are you familiar with her material? I'm not going to pretend I'm familiar with her material. I didn't even pretend to her, so I'm not going to pretend to you. She's got what Tom Jones would say. She has a great pair of pipes. Oh, OK. Great pipes on her. Okay.

She had an amazing electric green spangled outfit on. She was just like some enormous energy force that entered the room. She was brilliant. I'm going to listen to all her stuff now. I've become, what's the name for her fans? They sort of,

Beck boys. No, it should be something to do with Hill. Surely we can come up. You know what? I'm going to hand that over to the two comics. And you've got

this musical break. I'm going to hand it over to the audience as well. You know people if they're like the Beliebers and stuff like that. What should we call them? What should the Becky Hill fans? I'm going in first with Hillocks. the audience as well what what what you know people if they're um like the believers and stuff like that what should we call what should the becky hill i'm going in first with hillocks

okay i like it i like it that'd be particularly good for the smaller I was telling my associates and you all about my day at the Royal Variety Performance where I was gradually getting more real and more real as the day went on. And, oh, sorry, did we get any Becky Hill fans? Ruth Jordan. Yeah. I mean, she always delivers. Yeah any Becky Hill fans? Ruth Jordan. Yeah. I mean, she always delivers.

Yeah. Becky Hill fans. Becky Hillbillies. Oh, that's good. Hillbillies is good. I wondered if we could revive, seeing as he's not using it anymore, Hills Angels.

Nice, that's good. Well, Neil from Brighton also counter-suggests the Beckerley Hillbillies. So he's added. Oh. So we've got two choices here. Yeah, both good, though. What was Ruth's again?

Ruth was... Straight-up Hillbillies. She was straight-up Hillbillies, I think. I think Beckerley Hillbillies is a bit even more elaborate. Cully Hillbillies is a bit even more elaborate. I like a Baroque version of fandom. Beckoneers? Good. Yeah, good.

There's a piratical element to that. Yeah, obviously. I got that. So anyway, I was struggling. Yes. And to the point where I said to George Ezra, you must know some things from throat. Yeah.

You said that to George Ezra? He's very approachable, George Ezra. You just said, you must know some things from throat. No, I said, George, I said, George. Extraordinary introduction. My throat's killing me. I said, you must know a singer. me. I said, you must know, you're a singer. He said, I work with a woman,

and she used to swear by wearing wet socks for a sore throat. I said, George, I don't want you talking about it. He said, I didn't get it, but she used to wear them on the tour bus. You were having a sort of fevered vision. Yeah, exactly. George Escher on the tour bus. You must have thought you were having a sort of fevered vision. Yeah, exactly. George Ezra mumbling to you about what song. And then we discussed Tom...

I'd seen Tom Jones, an audience with Tom Jones, and George Ezra said, yeah, he likes a vocal zone. I said, he does. He said, I've seen him shoving them in the tops of his gums. And when I saw him doing the thing, he had about 20 during the recording, the Tom Jones thing. Anyway, so that was that. I'm name dropping a bit.

It's hard not to when you're at the Variety Performance because they're all over. So we went out for the dress rehearsal. We were singing Three Lions. to perform because they're all over. So we went out for the dress rehearsal. We were singing Three Lions and I was, I've sang some bad versions of it, but it was honestly like, that was how it came out.

And I looked across and I looked across at the orchestra. I thought they'll be mocking me. And who was sitting in the box seat who was it Dave Arch oh shut up Dave Arch the king of Strictly so I went over and I said Dave I'm such a massive he goes oh no come on I said honestly you're a legend you know I said we're talking about you on the radio he said oh come on he was really sort of I said I really want a photo but i don't have my camera with me i said i'm just so i just sort of you know i um we shook hands and stuff so he's probably ill now and um he was all right last night if i could tell um but um i thought it was an interesting thing sort of spiritual selfie i just sort of stood by him and i thought i'll carry that in my heart instead of my phone.

What should we call Dave Arch fans? And we can't do this all day because I'm going to name a lot of people. I didn't say all day. I did not say all day. I said Dave Arch. Okay. Oh, I don't know what we're going to call them. Architex.

Lovely. I thought that wasn't a million miles away from chivalry. One of my all-time lows. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, it takes you thinking how long is he going to talk about the Royal Variety performance. Still more to come. still more to come so

yeah so I croaked my way through the dress rehearsal and with the death rattle and all that stuff and then on the night having spent by now

we'd been there almost four weeks it felt like we then we did the show and i was it i mean it honestly was three lights on it was what about your voice yeah honestly i made dave sound like mario lanza on the night and um it hurts as well I actually hurt to sing it. Four minutes of hurt never stopped me singing. But anyway, so that was that. Was it Edward?

Well, Frank, in terms of homemade remedies for your throat, noted life enthusiast Hunter S. Thompson, shall we say, had all sorts of reasons to have a sore throat. And Ralph Steadman wrote a big book about what a difficult man he was to work with. We should identify that. In case you don't know, Hunter S. Thompson, famous writer who... Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, for example.

Yes. And invent... Is it Gonzo Journalism they call it? Gonzo, yes. He put himself in all his journalistic stories. Yes. And... A big substance enthusiast. Yes, yes.

The resulting sore throats and late nights. He would apparently get big handfuls of Nivea hand cream and apply them directly to his own throat. Ah! It's the way to have... Would you consider that? When I was a kid, we used to do a thing of a spoonful of butter and then you'd dip it in the sugar bowl and have that straight down.

But my dad would also, when he was going out to get the suit on, reach into the butter dish, get the butter on his fingers and do his hair. Oh, yeah, we had some friends in Glasgow, and the dad, we came down one morning, and I saw he was dipping his comb in the chip pan. Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, comb in the chip pan. Yeah. Really?

Yeah, apparently. Comb in the chip pan. Frank, Christoph has been in touch. Oh, yeah. Frank, how do you feel about, he's enclosed a picture, how do you feel about three lions being filed under Badil at my local record shop? Or is this his solo acoustic version?

Now, he sent an image over and it shows, it's a lovely sort of slightly old-fashioned thing. Remember in record shops when you had those little black filing systems with the name written it's got David Baddiel you're in between John Barry and Battle Beast. Oh I don't know

Battle Beast. And just underneath the best of Baccarat. But how do you feel about this? I'm good with it. I still think he's the distinctive voice. By the way um ross buchanan played us this morning and then about i was in the car coming in um not driving today but um i was in a uh what do they call it they don't call them minicabs anymore do they what do they

call them anyway i said a minicab you know what i I mean? And that came on, I'm in the back. And I thought, this bloke, he might not know who I am. So it felt like a weird moment, you know? And then I saw him look in the mirror. I thought, what's he going to say? What's he going to say? I'll tell you after this. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So you have not been waiting in vain. So Ross Buchanan played Three Lions.

It's Coming Home for Christmas, I think it's called. And the driver turned and said, so that's some more money for you. That's what they all, it's always the money. But then Ross McCann, about ten minutes later, said, right, now I'm going to play my first Christmas song of the year. And I thought, hold on. So anyway, I'm going to get in touch with him about it.

Oh, I'm sure he'll look forward to that. No, he's a very lovely fellow. So what else happened at the Royal University? Well, you know what usually happens? I struggled, I croaked through, I mean really, was in physical pain singing three lines, but got through it. I did get to play ukulele with Sheik and Niall Rogers and

Sam Ryder. And Sam Ryder I've got to say is beyond the nicest man you could ever meet in your life. I wanted to just, oh I want to move into a commune with him and Becky Hill. Anyway,

not everyone I met was nice. Then we have our royal thing. Now, it was Prince Edward and Sophie Wessex, as she's called. I think the Earl and Countess of Wessex and Forfar is their official title, which must be... Forfar? They've given all the other, the older siblings, all the good places like Wales, and then they say, right, so a fictional...

Not fictional, we'll have an Anglo-Saxon kingdom that doesn't exist anymore and a Scottish League Division 2 football club. That's for you two. Mum, that's it. What I like about Forfar is it sounds very much what an aristocrat would call a grandparent or a parent. Jacob, really small guy, like, Forfar.

My Forfar. Or an aristocrat laughing. So anyway, we lined up and you know they all come you wait for them and they come and say something so it's the modern world so Sophie led the way and

bear in mind I'd had a really hard day and I'd battled on like a trooper so she comes up and me and Dave and and she says, well, don't give up your day job. I thought, no, this is not how the royal walk thing works. What's her job?

And we honestly said, pardon? And it was like, no, it's supposed to be just banal compliments. Well done. And I said, well, was it that bad? And she said, well, you know, I could tell, you know, it's not what you do. And I said... Oh.

She's got the line wrong, doesn't she? I said, well, normally we're like, you know, comics. She said, yeah, but you're on screen, aren't you? You're not used to a live crowd. I said, yeah, but you're on screen, aren't you? You're not used to a live crowd. I said, well, we've done a bit of live stuff, you know, stand-up and stuff. But she's sticking with it. She said, yeah, but you haven't done anywhere

the size of this. I said, look, I did the Palladium last Sunday. And I thought, she looked at me like, you're not supposed to be arguing. I don't think you're supposed to be arguing with me. You're supposed to

just nod. It was a really awkward thing. And then he comes over, Edward. Punches you in the face.

No. It won't be as good as that but I'll tell you after this this is Frank Skinner this is Absolute Radio this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean

and Pierre Novelli you can text the show on 81215 follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the radio email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk.

And don't forget, Tim Key will be along later. Comedian, poet, actor, voiceover artist. Voiceover artist? Yeah. Yeah, he did that thing. He does a lot of things. He does a lot of things. He does a lot of things. We'll ask him about them rather than talk behind his back.

Go on then, you were telling us about Eddie. I was telling the thing about, I don't know if this is old age, the fact I was ill or the fact it was Prince Edward, but I can't remember the first thing he said to me. I said, oh, well, that's a good review, because that was also quite a negative thing about our performance. But I can't remember what it was. If David Baddiel's listening, he might remind me.

But he went on to say that a lot of people think that he is Charles's son, not his brother. And as he was telling me, I thought, I've never in my life met anyone who thinks that. But, fine. And then, I don't know, I mean, don't get me wrong, they were sort of, you know, they were nice. I think what's happened is they don't really do this stuff much.

And they're a bit, they've been a bit reduced in numbers for various reasons. And so they're being pulled out to do this. And it's a bit of a skill just talking to someone for 10 minutes and not upsetting them. But there was a bit where it just it just died the conversation which it never happens with the royals it just died died and there was a moment which probably was three seconds and felt like 10 minutes and he said um so things are well and I thought no come on and in the end I started to think

oh I wanted to put my arm around him a bit I think it's I think it's tough well if you're not matched for it either yeah

no exactly rusty off the bench that's it they've been called off it's like when the goal the reserve goalie comes off you know what I mean

you're like he wasn't even expecting it I'll wear some gloves That's it. They've been called off. It's like when the reserve goalie comes off. You know what I mean? He wasn't even expecting it. I'll wear my gloves. Oh, man. You didn't see Prince Edward and his waterproofs and trackies jogging on the spot? No. It was... How did he round things off? Was he a good finisher?

I think he was just... Just spat on the floor and stomped off. He just slapped me across the... Yeah, no. Poked you with his cane in the arm. She was... Also, I got a bit distracted when he was talking to us. Do you remember I told you, think back, I went to

Gifford Circus and there was two women who hung by their hair from high, do you remember me telling you about that? And I was fascinated. I took photos so that I could sort of, you know, you do that thing that make your picture go bigger on your phone. To see if I could sort of, you know, you do that thing that make your picture go bigger on your phone. Yeah. To see if I could see any connection that was faking it. But the bigger it went, the more it was just someone hanging by their hair. It's incredible. So I was very keen to go and speak to them. And they were in the lineup later on, but they went quite quickly. But I was talking to Maisie Adam the comedian and she said I don't

she didn't know what they did because you don't get to see everyone's act but she said that they went off and and then they came back into the changing the dressing room later with ice packs on their heads. So it must really hurt the hair switch. Oh, man, it must be tearing away their scalps. Do you think there was a chance that the ice packs were just having spoken to Sophie Wessex? Oh, I feel bad now about Sophie. It was, you know,

I was rubbish and they were, like I say... It's a bit insensitive having hair-based acts, though. I'm just saying. Why? There are people present who maybe that's not. I think you wouldn't want hair if you saw someone with an ice pack on their head because their hair was hurting so much. Did Edward talk to everyone then? Oh, yeah.

They did the full rounds. I'm sure it went well everywhere. Maybe I was just... I don't know. Oh, anyway, that was it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We have some news in regarding the Seven Boar, don't we here? Okay.

A lot of people out there are surprisingly well informed regarding the Seven Boar. I'd say in that area, it's seen as some mystical presence. The Seven Boar, in case you've just tuned in um i was talking to becky hill the uh musical star and um what do we call her a dance is that what kind of music is yes i think so i don't know you know there's probably some category i've never heard of producers hiding i look for you know i look for the younger which is not helping me at all You know, there's probably some category I've never heard of. Producers hiding. I look for the younger, which is not helping me at all. Too late, too late. Anyway, and she's from Bewdley,

where a phenomenon on the River Severn is a wave called the Severn Ball, which I'm not sure when it happens, but I believe some try to surf it yeah what's the news on there 3457 gets in touch and I think I think I'd get on

with 3457 it's just facts this message the river 7 has the third highest tidal range in the world only the bay of Fundy in North America and Ungava Bay Hudson Straits are bigger. The tidal range can be as much as 15 metres. This combined to the funnel-shaped estuary

causes the incoming tide to create a great bore. This is cotton paste communication. I think this person is some sort of expert who, the second you mentioned it, knocked over a hot coffee in a rush to get to their phone. I quite like them. I like them. I'm going to ask them to identify all the pictures with bridges in and then all the pictures with bicycles in.

I find that really tricky. The traffic lights always stop me. Because are you including the edge of the traffic light? What about the mountains? Is that a mountain? Or the pole? Yeah, exactly. I mean, I don't include the pole. Do you not? Controversial. But the bicycle, I was doing the bicycle the other day.

Oh, yeah. There was one, it's on, you know when you get them upside down on the back of a car? Yes. It was one of those and it's a really dark picture and I thought,

oh my God, oh my God. I think it's very cruel that you shouldn't do that. Oh, it's hard. Have you ever had lorries? Oh, yeah. Oh, have you?

Bosses. Flights of stairs once. Oh, yeah, if I'd you? Bosses. Flights of stairs once. Oh, yeah, if I'd fly... Anyway, this is... Are you a robot, anecdotes? If you're listening, none of us are robots. Please don't tell anyone that we are. We've also, for some reason,

all the correspondence we've received regarding the seven boar is from people with a seven in their number i would never say that about any of our readers can i say the the fax person we should also say thank you for getting in touch was a little bit we're a bit cheeky about them. Well, hold on to your horses because 575... It wasn't as bad as don't give up your day job. Nothing ever will be. 575 has

news about the seven boar. The seven boar is the result of the rising tide being funnelled into the seven estuary. However, it cannot get past the locks and weirs on the river. Any mystical waves at Beaudley are probably a result

of fat ducks. That's from Jack. Oh. I have to say, I thought it would be more interesting than it is the Severn Boar. Yeah. So there isn't a Severn. That's why Becky Hill has never seen it. Well, 906, the Sever seven boar doesn't hold a candle

to the Wessex and Forfar boar. Yeah. How harsh. I'm actually starting to feel sorry for them even though they were beastly to me. You know when you've been a bit of a trooper, you want a bit of... I wanted a hog.

Yeah. Never mind. Incidentally, Sophie, I discovered after, was wearing earrings, which cost £250,000. Gosh. I couldn't relax. Could you?

I could not relax if I was out in it. I'd be constantly checking them. You wouldn't want to sneeze. Oh, man. There's often a... I've been at events where there's a security guard hovering in the background if someone's borrowed some expensive jewellery.

They have to accompany you all night. With one of those sort of nets on the end of a bamboo pole piled under each ear at all times. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, it's interesting. A lot of the information we are receiving about the seventh ball... Oh, yes.

Please, I think we've... I maybe pressed the wrong button. You asked for bought, you'll get bought. It does seem to have that sense of cut and paste. There's a lot of cut and pasting going on here. Yeah. I'm not quite sure why. It's, yeah, I don't understand anything about it, even though you've read out two explanations

I've completely switched off it's the thing you do as you get older, as soon as you think no I don't like this, I don't like it you go to a special place in your mind I don't like this information we've had Clive from Sheffield, have you heard of somewhere called

Bodley Bodley, is that not Beaudley? Oh, we spelt it Budley. Now, Beaudley is B-E-W-D-L-E-Y. Yes, I'm aware of that. It might be a different place. We've been a bit hard on the people who've said stop it. This is breaking the golden rule of radio.

Yes, we apologise on behalf of all of us. Yes, and we say we'd be nothing without you. Yes, we've gone a bit far far. We've gone a bit far far far.

Yeah, we've gone too far far far. But Clive says, I think what Clive must mean, you're right, is beautifully

hillbillies because it looked like bugly but surely they should be known as. And you know, it's included

little emoji and I like people that go that extra mile. Oh, yeah. Frank you do you include emojis ever on your well i don't know how to do an emoji i did and i've forgotten and recently i sent a text and i put on the end i wrote I wrote fingers crossed emoji. I just wrote it out. Because I can't, every time I press for emoji, I get one of those things where it's like a cat and you have to put your voice in its mouth. Oh, cat lawyer.

You don't want to go down the cat lawyer road. No, you don't want to be a cat lawyer. Cat lawyer, I don't know what that, but yeah. Star of lockdown. It was a star of lockdown, you don't want to be a cat lawyer. Cat lawyer, I don't know what that, but yeah. Star of lockdown. It was a star of lockdown, one of the lockdown stars, Frank. Okay. Okay. And we've got another lockdown star coming up on the show later with Tim Key.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so I'll keep getting those. And I have done those, but, you know, it's a bit of a faff. I don't, yeah. I don't know what you pressed to get... You pressed the emoji, babe. Maybe my phone doesn't have one.

I bet it does. I went... I got very keen on sending... You know those things where if it's someone's birthday, you send them a clip of Bette Midler jumping up and down saying happy birthday then I found they weren't included in my package and I was sending them regular cost me a fortune so I don't send them anymore either. And then the other day I had an update on my phone.

And I never really read the update. You know when you get a thing telling you what the update's going to be? Yeah. You know, there's nothing. They don't draw you in, these people. No. They don't start off bog fixes, I think I've heard. Again, information I don't care for.

Yeah. But this one, it says, we'll let you edit or unsend a message that you just sent. Oh, that's good. That's changed everything. It's an absolute game changer. Yeah. But also, I don't know if it's a good thing, because there must have been stuff that's come from accidental sends and stuff which has been good.

But, Frank, think how much Bette Midler money you could have saved. Oh, God, and quickly unsend Bette Midler. I've probably already paid for bet i like that he's slightly outraged that he doesn't have a package that includes bet middler saying happy birthday no it wasn't just bet middler i used lots of some of it would be like a there was a squirrel uh drinking alcohol on one. I can't remember what I was, the point I was making. But, yeah. I've still got it. I don't use them anymore.

I don't know if it's in my package or not. I'm not risking it. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. The ball correspondence is still coming in. Oh. There might be a brilliant one that we're overlooking.

It's coming in waves. I don't want people to... Very good. I don't want people wasting their 50 pence texts, things. No, not when they could be putting that towards valuable meddler gifts. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

You've got to prioritise in this difficult time. Danny Tollhurst. Oh, I like him. Already? He hasn't said anything yet. No, I like the name Tollhurst. Okay. I like a toll.

It's got a slightly medieval vibe to it. For an actual fan club, how about Mercy Buku? Betku? It's all gone very quiet. It's gone to ship out. Mercy Betku. Mercy Betku. Yeah.

Betku. Flawless, in my opinion. Yeah. It doesn't work for me, but again, I love it that people contribute. Yeah, okay. Again, I love it that people contribute. Yeah, okay. I don't think we're going to beat the Beaudley Hillbillies.

The Beckerley. Beckerley Hillbillies. Beckerley Hillbillies, yeah. What role did you just say that one again? Mercy Beck who? Mercy Beck who. Mercy Beck who. The trouble is it sounds a bit like you're saying Beck who, which is not. It's the opposite of the fan thing. That's Bekoo. The trouble is it sounds a bit like you're saying Beck who, which is not.

It's the opposite of the fan thing. That's rude. But, you know, God loves a trier. I don't know if he loves Lars van Trier, the Scandinavian film director. Yeah. But I imagine he does. He loves everyone.

Okay. That's nice to know. Yeah. Regarding your incredible experience that you recounted with them, it was your PR, I think, who described Marmite as being quite divisive, actually. Yeah. Yeah, last week I was saying that my lovely PR, Lucy, I was eating Marmite. And she said, it's weird, isn't it, Marmite?

Because I really like it. I said, I can't standite and she said it's weird isn't it Marmite because I really like it I can't stand it she said whereas my dad he absolutely loves it it really divides people and I don't know I laughed for about three days I don't know thinking back to that vote and I saw her

she was at the RVP and I told some other people with my arm around her about the story. And everyone thought it was hilarious. She took it well. Oh, good.

Well, we've got another equivalent in from Rob. Okay. There's morning team. Frank's Marmite comment last week reminded me of something similar. I was walking with a friend recently along a canal towpath. We stood and watched a small duck diving under the water in search of food.

This paints a nice picture, Rob. My friend commented, It's amazing how quickly all the water disappears off the duck's feathers, isn't it? I did reply, It's almost like water off a duck's back, but I'm assuming you won't need this section of the email. Many thanks, Rob. I was in a car, and as we approached, again, it was a minicab,

and as we approached Piccadilly Circus, the driver honestly said, it's always, always busy there. And I wanted to say, is it like... But I didn't. I didn't want to... I didn't want to make it awkward. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Regarding the common ignorance of both Marmite and Water Off Duck's backs Yes The other day, and I hope she'll forgive me for telling this on air But my partner, I realised my partner had no idea that the light on a taxi On the roof of the cab On a black cab, yeah

On a black cab is how you can tell if it's available or not. Oh. She just never, somehow that piece of information had just flown. So she thought that black cab drivers in London were far ruder and more sort of random. Because they didn't stop. They just never ever stop half the time. She would just be baffled by. Oh, you know what she's missed out on as well?

And I would say in her defence, I believe that we've all got those ridiculous holes in our knowledge which we can't even work. People look at us and say, what, you didn't know that? But when it's like midnight and you're in a city centre and you see that orange light in the distance and you think, will it get to me before someone else hails it on the tip? That's a very exciting moment.

She's never had that, but she will now. You said you'd show her the bright lights. And you did. Well, I once said, this is very, I'm very ashamed of this, but, you know, I like to think this is a safe space. I like to think this is a safe space. I like to think that we'll soon discover. I said to the newsreader, Dermot Murnaghan, once, he told me he was running the marathon, and I said,

oh, how many miles is it? And he laughed. I got to quite an old age before realising there was a set mileage to a marathon. Okay. Okay? So it's 26. Now I know. But isn't there a bit, isn't it 26 plus?

And like a little bit, so 26.1 or something. Yeah, I mean, they've asked for trouble, haven't they? With their stupid little bits on it. Make it a nice round 26 mile. Who's asked for trouble, haven't they? With their stupid little bits on it. Make it a nice round 26-mile. Who's asked for trouble? And also 26. Make it 25. Who wants to be...

Who invented it, Pio? Was it the Greeks? Yes. Pheidippides. Marathon. Oh, lovely. Pheidippides even knew the bloke. Pheidippides collapsed and died.

Oh, dear. Yes, because whatever it was there was an Olympics which was a thousand years or a hundred years of the Olympics or something and they went back to Athens to celebrate it, the home of the Olympics and it was a beautiful emotional moment but if you

say England's the home of football you're a fascist it doesn't work out. I bet the ancient Olympics was a bit rubbish. I bet they... Imagine how rubbish all the equipment and things was. Yeah, and also... They were all nude, though.

They weren't. Oh, they were, yeah. Yeah, they were all nude. So that would have added an element of thrill and danger. How do you know that? You don't want to be nude that... I was there. You don't want to be nude that close to a lion.

Oh, not with the javelin. Oh, it's the same sport with problems, this nude Olympics. Yeah, and also, it makes sponsorship very tricky. What are they... Where do you put it? What about if they've signed a deal? I mean, I always think it looks bad when the snooker players have it on their waistcoats, but...

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with a garble, a big garble, do you think? This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio,

or email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. So, Tim Key. I think that's quite a nice voice for you moving forward. Yeah, well, imagine if I just adopted it as a full time I thought maybe that was your at home voice I do like singers That do the proper Full on English

Annunciation like Julie Andrews Yeah I like to hear the lyrics Yeah you've written the lyrics Let's hear them And rolling the R's. Yeah, get them rolled. Yeah, all right. Not going to roll themselves, are they?

Quite right. Can we, just before we go into what you're trying to sell this time, Tim. Mr. Codd. We're in the midst of a marathon debate. Sure. And you are, I don't know if people are aware of this, but one of the few

genuine sports fans that I know. Yeah. I was listening to the England-Pakistan test on the way here. Yeah, I watched it this morning.

How's it going? Barbara Zam just got her century. Oh. It's the soft pitch of a kookaburra. Yeah, pointless. Anyway.

I went for that ahead of this Yeah But Nevertheless Now when I say a sports fan It's I like football and cricket Yeah A bit of boxing

But then I'm starting to falter a bit Oh, I don't falter I stay strong Tim will watch any kind of sport. Yeah, you name it, Emily. I will. Yeah, here we go. NFL?

No, not NFL sports. Oh. I believe, did you go, did you go live to see synchronised swimming? Oh, but that's not

sports fan, is it? Yes, it did. Come on. 2012, the Olympics. I went with my mother to watch the synchronised swimming. Lovely. Yeah, of course it's lovely. That's a very wholesome story.

Who won? Oh, you have the Australians. A lot of sledging in that synchronised swimming. A lot of sledging. Can you? Sledging, I think, is undermined when you're... Yeah, I bet you don't know how to... So it's an incredible...

It's one of those things, it's like close-up magic. I can't believe it can be done. Which one, synchronised swimming? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. You tried it, Tim? Not tried it, no, but I could believe it. It's amazing watching it up close.

I still can't believe it. I went to a wedding where there were synchronised swimmers. Who was getting married? Busby Bartley. Why weren't there synchronised swimmers? As in there were some guests you got talking to and you found out? No, there was a display involved in the wedding.

In what? In a pool. It was a place with a pool. Oh, okay. It has to be a pool. A rooftop. Well, it could have been an enormous glass tank, like in a sink.

Yeah, it could have been a tank. You know in sink when the tank splits. What's sink? Oh. I know the, what's the other one called? The animat...

Sink 2, the other one's called. I love Sink 2. Yeah, I know that. Oh, right, the water tank, yeah. No, I'm thinking of The Shape of Water. They've got a tank in that, haven't they? Oh, yeah. Have you ever done a phone-in about tanks in films?

No, because once you get into war films... Yeah, that really opens it up, doesn't it? We used to have a man... Well, I used to drink in a pub in Birmingham and a man would come in, an Irish man, and he would collect tin for a local hospice. And when you put money in the tin, he'd say, many tanks, many tanks.

And my friend used to call him Irwin after Irwin Rommel, who had many tacks. So I forgot the way we were talking about unusual nicknames the other week. What happened? Oh, yeah, shut up now. It's a break, okay? And then we'll come back. We haven't talked about the marathon.

No, you did an opening question about the marathon, and then it sort of got away from you. No, but you can't end the link, Brian. I know, I know. I find it very hard to hold. It's just trying to end the link with shut up now. It's like sand running through my fingers. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Can we just get this marathon business out the way? No, we can get deep into key. Okay. Hi, Frank, Emily and we can get deep into key. OK. Hi, Frank, Emily and Pierre. And you, Tim. I think we were discussing marathons before you arrived. I think the original distance was the distance between Athens and Sparta or something like that.

It was to do with the Battle of Marathon. And I believe the London Marathon is the exact distance between two of the royal residences, which accounts for why it is not exactly 26 miles. And I believe the London Marathon is the exact distance between two of the Royal Residences, which accounts for why it is not exactly 26 miles. What? That's Louisa and North Somerset. Well, we had someone else was in touch about which particular Royal Residences it was.

Buckingham Palace and... No, Windsor Castle to the Royal Box in the 1908 Olympic Stadium. Okay. That's from what, 220? I did... Do you remember that Ron Save the World, Ron... Run the World. Whatever that thing was called. What was it called?

Run the World. It was one of the first charity things. I know, it was called Run the World. Okay. And I ran the world. And we ran, it was 10,000 metres was the idea. And in Birmingham, to make it work, that it went from the Birmingham city centre to the stadium,

we ran something like 11,500. So it's a bit loose, this running thing. Do you remember your time? It was four and a half hours. No. I remember a man eating four Mars bars before we started. This was in the early days of the running thing. Yeah.

And he read somewhere apparently that carbs, you need carbs. He had four Mars bars. Are they carbs? I don't know. I guess that was the early days. the running thing yeah and he read somewhere apparently that carbs you need carbs he had four mass bars are they carbs um i don't know because that was the early days oh yeah oh yeah they still had the sunny sheets in my bars then didn't they exactly and um and i saw him about cobbler miles on um getting rid of the four-mast bar into a drain. So that was a mistake. You're very much supposed to carbo-load the night before, I think. But I think the original messenger that had started the whole marathon thing

with news of the Battle of Marathon collapsed and died having delivered this thing. And having eaten four marathons. Yeah. Well, they probably weren't called marathons yet. Still Snickers. We've got all sorts of questions. Oh, sorry, sorry. Sorry, I ran the marathon. You did. Yeah, four hours, four minutes

and five seconds. You did not run a marathon. Yes, I did. You ran a marathon? Oh, no. What? Are we cool? Oh, okay. It was a long time. the early days of the marathon. Yes, it was the early days of the marathon.

Well, it was four miles. 2009. OK. Same year I won the Perrier. Oh. I wasn't carrying it. No, that would have been great, though. Do you want to know what Ruth Jordan has to ask you?

Yeah, I always like to hear from Ruth. Could you ask Tim Key when he comes in, as Frank once gave Tim Key notes about his stand-up show, could Tim perhaps help Frank and Dave improve their

Three Lions performance so it meets the approval of the Wessex's? Yeah, well, there's not a quick fix i don't think for that song i think um what i would say is um if you i don't know what your plans are but keep doing it every world cup or euro cycle and i think it will just sort of gradually improve over the next 20 years won't it yeah i don't i don't make any plans in the range of 20 years. I like this incarnation. What's happening?

Oh, sorry. I'm so confused that Tim's run a marathon, I can no longer operate the show. Four hours, four minutes, five seconds. Was it good? Overtook Gordon Ramsay on the home straight. No. Yes.

To be fair to the guy he was signing autographs okay he once said to me as we sat next to each other in the garden of Elton John's villa in Nice

he said to me I'll tell you what you I'll tell you what you'd like Frank he said the Ironman competition I said I don't think I would he said no you would you'd love, he said, the Ironman competition. I said, I don't think I would. He said, no, you would, you'd love it.

He said, you'd run and it's something like, I don't know what it is, but it's 70 miles running, 70 miles cycling and 60 miles swimming. And I said, my problem with that is that I can neither swim nor cycle. And he started talking to someone else. It's a bit Elon, isn't it, the Iron Man? I just, I can't. I don't, I don't. I can't imagine there'd be anyone in it who I wanted to talk to.

I've ran on Iron Man. I bet you have. Who won? You or him? Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. I don't know if it was the last time you was on, but certainly on a previous occasion,

you brought some playing cards. I did, yeah. Now, anyone who's never seen Tim, playing cards feature quite highly in his stage set because they've got poetry written on them. Which, what? You're about to make another point there. Yeah, I lost faith in it.

Yeah, okay. I thought it might have been mean. No, no, not at all. I love your stand-up. Thank you. Like, I love dime bars. Endlessly good. But I've never seen you eat one.

No? That's because I'm laughing too much. So you've got Christmas playing cards. Yeah. So me and my friend and designer, Emily Juniper, we made some... Emily Juniper. I love Emily Juniper.

She's fantastic. She's like the Lady of Shallot. I'm guessing she sits somewhere and creates beautiful things. She does. And then once she's finished creating them she then um we're quite a small operation so then all the boxes come to her so then she's sort of crouching amongst the boxes i don't feel emily juniper should be doing it hadn't been there's two emily junipers there's the creative emily juniper and then there's the

emily juniper the publisher and then she's packaging them all beautifully and sending them out. And then she takes a breath, has a walk next to the ocean, comes back to... Where is she housed? Where do you think? I've housed her in Falmouth. Okay. Yeah, I found her lodgings in Falmouth.

Right. Did he buy her some goth clothing? She buys her own goth clothing. Good. Tim's books are also done by Emily Juniper. And it really is. It's like you buy a book, but you've bought a little objet d'art. Oh, yeah.

But anyway, this is not going to put the Rob Bonnet on the baby. What? Tell us about your Christmas playing cards. Oh, right. So we made some playing cards. That was more or less our first project about five years ago. And they were just poems and little conversations. And then Emily Juniper made them look beautiful.

And then this time, after those books, which were a bit of a hassle, we decided to go back to the playing cards. You never hear people like Dickens saying the thing is with the books that's a bit of a hassle Or indeed anyone promoting their books. Have I said I'm promoting

them? No. Alright. I'm talking about them. Okay. They'll promote themselves. But you know what it's like writing a book. I've read your book. Yeah, I've read your's like writing a book. I've read your book. Yeah, I've read your book. You're fantastic. I've read your book.

That one with the purple cover. Oh, yeah. That one. That is fantastic. That's an absolute rip-roarer. Can we promote that? Tell us about your Christmas. So every year I do Christmas poems. When it gets to December, I change my set into my Christmas set.

And so I've sort of built up a well of these Christmas poems. And so we've put the two ideas together. So these are a pack of playing cards with my, to be fair, quite kind of despicable Christmas poems splodged on the front. And to be fair to your producer, she's not sure about me reading any of them. Well, we're all anxious. Too hot for radio. Every time we move on to the subject,

I feel a tension in the room. We're actually going to risk it after this. And can I say, if there's any children in the room, I'd get him out now. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Give us an example of what we might find on a Tim Key Christmas card.

Okay. I'm stiff with stress. Well, this is a poem from my deck of playing cards. Thatch bought his missus scalextrics for Christmas. You've bought that for yourself, Thatch bought his missus scalextrics for Christmas. You've bought that for yourself, Thatch. How dare you,

Thatch shot back. His car was zooming round the track. With his spare hand he was unwrapping the packet of camel lights he'd stuffed to Nicky's stocking in the wee hours.

He absolutely loved Christmas. Clean as a whistle. Yeah, it was clean. I was a bit worried about the pronunciation of Scalex. Is it Scalextrick, I think, isn't it? Yeah. And you made a common error. A lot of people put X at the end.

It's like Cliff Richards, isn't it? Yeah. I can't pulp the cards, can I? No. In fact, the good news is I've written Scalextrick. Yeah. So that's good. That's probably Emily.

We can proceed. No, that won't. But Emily So that's good. That's probably Emily. We can proceed. No, that won't. But Emily? Emily's not in charge of that stuff. I thought she might copy proof. She doesn't even read it. She just puts it on the page. She probably thinks it's clean and respectable.

Sent them out to her family this Christmas. Just scripture. Yeah, like a deck of cards. Do you know a deck of cards? What's that? It's a recitation. Deck of what? Well, here's the thing.

If you count the values of all the cards and add them together, what do you think you'd arrive at? Oh, it would be something big. Maybe like when that chap puts grains of rice on each square on the chessboard. Yeah, for want of a right, the nail, the horse was lost.

Oh, I'm going to go for hang on, I'm going to go for, wait a second. This is not great radio. Shall I read another card? No. 280.

It's 364. And then the two jokers give you either a standard year, if you take one of them, or every fourth year you'd add the other joker. So you've got the number of days in the year. 52 cards, the number of weeks in the year. And then four suits for the number of weeks in a month. Four suits, number you've got from working on production.

I know it's a bit more than that. Yeah. And one deck of cards for one year. Yeah. Well, I guess so, yeah. So deck of cards was a recitation in which he says that. And it's basically a really...

Do you want to hear a bit? Yeah, yeah. Of course. This is a... Basically a soldier is found in church says that and it's basically a really do you want to hear a bit yeah yeah of course this this this is a basically a soldier is found in church with his playing cards out luckily they weren't in keys and they said how dare you bring playing cards into church and the great thing is it was it was an american hit i think originally but max bygroves the british comedian did a cover version and just his voice on anything is funny but get a listen to this is how they

ask him to explain why he's got playing cards in church and he says this when i look at the ace it reminds me there is but one god when i see the deuce, it reminds me the Bible is divided into two parts, the Old and the New Testament. And when I see the tray, I think of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. When I see the tray.

What are you talking about, Max? It's lost it. What's his word for four? He's getting further and further from English as he goes through. The Father. I can't play. I can't play all the cards. Well, I could, I suppose.

I could just play the track. But I don't think that would go down well. But it's a funny old thing. But in contrast to your cards yeah I'm surprised we went down that route once I started talking about my cards it's fine to suddenly hear Max Bygraves well we're going to

and then you can that was a very shorthand version of we're going to have a break and then we'll come back can we do one more card? of course Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio We're going to have a break and then we'll come back. I'd like at least... Can we do one more card? Of course. OK. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Tim Key is going to read one more card. Oh, yeah. And that's it. Here it comes, then. Jackson started miming that you wanted a divorce. That's right you're asking. I like it so far. Shall we leave it there?

Yeah. His wife was clapping her hands in delight. She had no idea. She was asking him how many syllables it was. He kept pointing at her and she kept shouting, Wife and Monica. He kept miming tearing a piece of paper in half. She kept shouting, Rip.

She was laughing and clapping her hands together. That's good clean fun. Yes. That's lovely. Yes. Well, obviously they're going to be brilliantly funny because Tim Key wrote them. And if you don't mind them being some rude ones in your pack, you should get some.

How does one just go to a shop and buy these? These are not... Yeah, a lot of stuff you can do that just go to a shop and buy these things? These are not, yeah, a lot of stuff you can do that, can't you? Yeah. No, these aren't in shops. Eggs. Yeah, eggs you can do.

How do we get a pack? Good point. I'll go back to Emily Juniper and work out how we can get these out. Oh, you need, if you're plugging it. Tim! No, no,

you go to, well, you can go to my Instagram. Come on then. And, Tim Key Poet, I think it is. Or, you can go to my Instagram. Come on then. And Tim Key Poet, I think it is. Or you can get them from Emily's website, utterandpress, U-T-T-E-R, and then obviously and, and press, all one word,

.co.uk, and you can click on there. Or you can Google them. I mean, you can find them. If you want them enough, you'll get them. Yeah, I think that's... Not some mythic quest. There's lots of things in life I've thought that about. It you can Google them. I mean, you can find them. If you want them enough, you'll get them. Yeah. I think that's... Not some mythic quest. There's lots of things in life I've thought that about. It hasn't worked out. And you're on tour next year. Quite a big one, in fact.

Yeah, I was thinking that. I think you've made it bigger than it needed to be. Yeah, I think I've done that. Yeah, you've seen the show. Yeah, no, it's not that. Oh, right. It's just that you've done lots of, like, average-sized places. Instead of doing a big one somewhere,

you've done, like, four nights. I mean, what? Are you homeless? No, no, not homeless. You're not homeless, are you? No, no. No, no. Why is he giving you advice

on your holiday? No, no, I'm just saying... I always listen to advice from Frank. Look, I prefer... Oh, we've got no choice. I prefer smaller venues. Yeah, I prefer smaller venues. Just as well. That's why I've just saying. I always listen to advice from Frank. Look, I prefer small. We've got no choice. I prefer smaller venues. Yeah, I prefer smaller venues. Just as well.

That's why I've done it. So, and they're not small, thanks, Frank. No, they're not small. No, they're not. But like, in Bristol, you're doing four nights. Yeah, I am. Whereas you could have done just a bigger place in Bristol. Ever heard the phrase, I like Bristol?

I'll get myself an Airbnb, won't I, Frank? Okay, fair enough. I'll walk around the city. And there's one, you were doing Oran Moore in Glasgow. Right. And then I see something I've never seen. Then I see. Never seen on the set list, venue upgrade.

Yes. Glasgow tramway. So what does that mean? Well, I'll tell you what it means. It means I don't want to come on your show and have to defend the phrase venue upgrade. Well, you might not want to. I think you ought.

Well, it means it sold out. Yes, and it sold out quite quickly, actually, Frank. Yeah, but it did. Yeah, and so we did a venue upgrade so we could get some more people of Glasgow to watch the show. If I was at Aramore, I'd think, thanks very much, we sold all your tickets and now you're calling another place an op grade.

It's not me calling, though, is it? You two. And then it finishes off at Alexandra Palace. Got an issue with that, Frank? That's lovely. That's all shabby sheet now, isn't it? Yeah, that's more your size, isn't it? What's the biggest venue you've played, Frank?

The biggest venue? Orrin Moore? I've never played Orrin Moore. Anyway, it's lots of dates. They're mainly sold out. But if he's near you, there's no such thing as sold out in my experience. No, there isn't.

Just rock up. I just went, I remember turning up at Cliff's Pavilion in Southend and there's a massive sign Frank Skinner sold out and I said, oh, that's great. He said, yeah, there's about 34 tickets left.

I turned up to Stephen Sondheim with you. Yeah. You can often get... If you're prepared to sit on your own, there's always a chance. Where there's a will, there's a way. Is that one of yours?

No. But also, you can buy tickets. That's the other option. I didn't come on here really for you to tell people to explore options of getting in for free. No, because a lot of them have sold it. I never said for free. No, because a lot of them have sold it. I never said for free.

I'm going to give the height of some of the windows in these venues. Instead of giving ticketing info, you said, where there's a will, there's a where. And you've got your

Crimbo Bimbo show as well. Yeah, I do, yeah. That's sort of me reading out my Christmas poems. And that's at Pleasance, London, isn't it? Yeah, that's big enough for you? It's quite lovely for you. In my experience, it's a Covid fest.

Oh, right. We'll be all right this year. OK, that's also sold out, but there'll be singles. Oh, there'll be singles for sure. So it's all going very well. Oh, swimmingly, yeah. And quite deservedly so, if I may have a moment

when I just think I say you are a brilliant comedian. Thank you, Frank. And I love you. I love you too, Frank. I'll drop some cards round to you in the week. Yeah, just turn up like you did before. We'll talk on the step as if it was lockdown. Yeah. Likely invited in, but... Tim, it was up like you did before and we'll talk on the step as if it was lockdown. Yeah.

I'd like to be invited in, but... Tim, it was great having you on. Thanks for having me. And buy Tim's playing cards from... It'll require a little bit of detective work. Otterandpress.com

or.co.uk, can't remember. Otterandpress.com. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.