The Frank Skinner Show - Swazzle

Episode Date: December 19, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has seen a Punch and Judy show and has big retail news. The team also discuss Gucci’s upside-down glasses, Poundland’s festive till alerts and Guess Who.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Hey. Morning. We're in quite a Christmassy sort of end of term vibe today, I think. Yeah, well, I've got a chocolate Santa on my desk. Yeah.

Which raises the spirits. Yeah, he's belled up. Yeah. He is belled up. Don't make it sound like he's sort of a mob man out for a hit. He's tooled up. You thought the bell would have had an upsurge this year, what with the pandemic and stuff.

For social distancing reasons. I think in the plague, people used to ring a bell and shout on clean. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, there might still be time to bring that back as we face the Christmas of doom, ladies and gentlemen. I've always a question for you. I think we'd all agree, wouldn't we, that one of the worst things that's happened in the 21st century

is a great upsurge of people taking themselves too seriously. Yeah, there's a lot of that. I think I've identified the moment that that begun oh go on oh i think it was when joggers started calling themselves runners because they felt the word jogger wasn't taking them seriously enough not really showing the effort and the work that they were putting in, and they were reading magazines about running and strapping themselves up quite expertly, and it was jogging, you know, it's a bit dismissive, OK?

I think that. That's good. If anyone's got any other theories about when the urge began. I think also, I think the 118 men have a lot to answer for. Do you remember them? The ad campaign, they looked a bit like the late Bobby Ball, didn't they? Well, they were based on the British runner David Bedford.

Oh, weren't they? Yeah, exactly. They were an exact copy of him, which is a brilliant, surrealist idea to take a real person and then double him and put him in an advert i mean brilliant yeah but i suppose it was the fact that they had all the gear um i think that made people think oh yeah it's a it's a proper it's a sport they see themselves as proper sportsmen wasn't it a white

vest and plimsolls is that what they? It's not just sport where they take themselves too seriously, although there was a fabulous advert for David Beckham's new fragrance. Has he got a new fragrance? Oh, he's got a new fragrance.

I don't know how many fragrances has he had. Do you know, I've lost count. There is so, he's got so many in the range. He's a fragrance fest.

Well, I saw an ad for his whiskey as well. Is it a whiskey he does? Oh, he's doing whiskey as well. Haig, is that whiskey bourbon? Something like that. He has some booze, doesn't he? What an interesting role model he is.

Especially, as he says... Prohibition for Frank. In his new fragrance ad, where he's now reached the stage, which I think is perhaps some form of a reverse pinnacle, where they are subtitling him, even though he's speaking in English. Oh, dear. Always a bad moment. And he says, for me, there is no right or wrong.

Hmm. Oh. OK, thanks for that, David. I mean, he's not a headmaster, is he? No, but, I I mean somebody should have said I wouldn't say the right or wrong thing Dave he goes on he clarifies

is he discussing post modernism I think he feels that morality is a subjective thing and shouldn't be subject to any overriding structure yes he said that to me once I think I heard him.

I think after... I think he said it in a post-match after I think it was... I think it was looting away in a cup game. Frank, can you imagine if someone did say that? I would love it. Anyway, what he says, and this is what I don't get, he says, for me there is no right or wrong,

and then he says, there is only right by you. Ah. Now I'm not. What does that mean? That means I'm all right, Jack. I do what I want. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, but I don't like the structure of it.

There is only right by you. Well, that's not true, is it? What about if it's right by me to grab people by the buttocks really hard? Does that make it right good? Let's find out. I'll be back in an hour. I'm today, Frank Skinner roving reporter.

Imagine if I just went out to Golden Square now looking for buttocks. As long as you start outside of this studio. Oh, yeah, you don't squeeze buttocks on your own doorstep. I think that's the old saying. Frank, St Bart has tweeted us. Oh, yeah. Saying, I found a verruca on my foot this morning. Thought of you, Frank.

Okay. Why was that? There was a story you told. I don't know. I've never had a Veruca. Haven't you? No, we told a Veruca story, though, I feel. I've had a couple in my life.

I might well have told a Veruca story. Yes. You know, I've seen Verucas. Never had a cold sore. Never had a cold sore. I'm enjoying this, Link. No. What have you never...

No. No, that would be a good texting. What have you never had? Yes! I don't think that would be a very good texting, would it? No. Okay, well, you like stuff like, you know... And Neil Smith, who says,

from last week's show, Best Celebrity Weight Loss, Tom Hanks for Castaway, he took 18 months to look right for the part. Did he really? Seems a long time. Yeah, that's a bloke who thought, you've got to lose a stone, and he said, right, call me back in 18 months. That's a sensible guy.

Yeah. They even let the air out the basketball. Yeah. Everyone had to be thin in that show. When Ewan McGregor lost a lot of weight for train spotting he said in an interview somebody said how did you lose the weight and he said um i grilled everything i ate yes and drank vodka instead of anything else like i just drank vodka i think where's he from scotland oh yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course.

You suggested that was a lot of fried food that was now being grilled instead. Well, you never... If they were grilling Mars bars, people wouldn't be so sniffy about it, would they? You might be right. Sorry, Frank, just to say, Rob, on the subject... Mars barbecue, you could call it. It's good, yeah.

On the subject of the 118 man Rob says Morning Frank, Emily and Alan Me and my buddies went to a 70s music weekend at Butlins about 15 years ago all dressed as the 118 man Best fancy dress we ever wore

Poor David Bedford has been completely forgotten in this next The 118 man has taken it over I must admit I didn't realise that it was based on Bedford has been completely forgotten in this. The 118 man has taken it over. I must admit, I didn't realise that it was based on Bed-O. Well, David Bedford, his running style was he would go like half a mile ahead of the field and then you'd see whether they could catch him up or not. No sense of pacing or anything, he'd just fly off. And there was a diagram I remember in one of the sunday papers

and it was a drawing of him running up stairs and it says that david bedford has to run up 72 stairs to get his heartbeat to the same as the average heartbeat of the normal human being. Excellent. Come on! He'd be all right in a multi-storey home, like a Victorian conversion. Well, lighthouse, he should have. Yeah, that's what he does now, he's a lighthouse keeper. Brilliant. I had a guy called Tim, Tim and Jason, in fact.

They've written a comic called Pogs in Space. Oh. Which I'm soaking up at the moment, as is my eight-year-old child. It's about pogs in astronaut roles. Yes. Anyway, it was the way it was addressed, which I like. And it's got a printed up Royal Mail label on it.

Oh, yes it and it says Frank Skinner, Alan Cochran's with a apostrophe S Emily Dean so it looks like Alan Cochran's Emily Dean like Bruce is the Price is Right it's got that kind of

feel to it I have no objection to the sense of ownership. No, it's good. It's surprising. It's a lie. I had no idea that you were Alan Cochran. They've also spelt your name without the E in a sort of Eddie Cochran style.

I'm in a sort of Rod Hull's EMU mode here. My name is... My name is... All right, Eminem. My name is full of potential spelling mistakes. No, well, you've got Alan with a U, to be fair. Oh, that's good. Which is one of potential spelling mistakes. No, well, he got Alan with a U. Oh, that's good. Which is one of my favourite videos.

It's the only fresh air I get nowadays. Yes. Nasher has pointed out, on the subject of taking oneself too seriously, he feels the education system has a lot to answer for. Woodwork and metalwork are now called resistant materials and cooking is home economics. Yeah, that is probably right.

Good point, well made. There wasn't one boy doing the cookery class when I was at school. And now I imagine there's loads. That's progress, isn't it? They still do the cookery class? We called it home economics. Yeah.

Remember that? What about when I did needlework? Oh, come on. Oh, I'd love that. I met a woman down our road, an old lady. How dare you? A posh old lady. It was very lovely.

There's some very interesting old people live near me. I'm hoping to grow into that community. And she had all these interesting jobs, and I said, what do you do now? She said, I embroider political banners. I thought, wow! What a... Funny what's my liner still on.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Daryl has got in touch with us, Frank. Dazzo! I'm just making up nicknames for people now. Sorry. I think the start of people taking themselves too seriously began when Marathon changed its name to Snickers. Also, what do you think of that? That might be right. Yes. Also a running theme, so maybe

it's linked to your thought about joggers. What do you think about that? What was Marathon up to? Was it like Andy Cole saying, no, it's Andrew from now on, I'm a serious figure. I think it'll be some tedious legal thing where they'll find out there's a chocolate bar in that vehicle Marathon and sort of have to change it.

Or that they'd stolen it from a Greek run. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, someone was looking through their Greek text book and thought, hold on, thought they'd made this up. You'd think it would have gone the other way because Snickers is the joggers of joggers and runners and Marathon is the runners. It should have been Snickers and people said, oh, no.

But I suppose, chocolate bar, do you want it to be taken seriously? I should have been Snickers and people said oh no. But I suppose chocolate bar do you want it to be taken seriously? I never warmed to Snickers. There was something slightly sinister about it. It was a bit like

what Hitler might have called his other dog Snickers. Yeah maybe. Maybe you're right. But you know then again as David Beckham says

there is no right or wrong. You're right. Which apparently is his standby excuse in pub quizzes. But, you know, then again, as David Beckham says, there is no right or wrong. You're right. Which apparently is his standby excuse in pub quizzes. And in his personal life. So we were talking in that break about West Bromwich Albion's new manager, Big Sam. Well, I didn't know whether to mention it. Oh, no, I'm...

I just didn't know. I was sad to see... No, it was pretty news for me. I was sad to see our previous one go, who I loved. But you've got to love Big Sam. Yeah. Well, he's a colourful character. He wears a tart on his sleeve.

He does. Big presence. Well, big face. And I think when you've got a big face, your emotions are always out there. You know what I mean? And also there's no crowd now, so there's more room at grounds for a big face, isn't there? You know what I mean? And also there's no crowd now, so there's more room at grounds for a big face, isn't there?

You know what, Al? I like a manager who still wears the ostentatious gold jewellery. There's not a half of that in my book. They're all too stylish. But does he? Or do we think he does? I've seen a picture. There's a giant watch, Frank. There's a great clip. We all have to have a giant watch now,

don't we? Yeah, there's the thing. I noticed Mourinho wears a particularly big watch. Of course he does, he's Mourinho. No, but it's like a sort of a nine-to-the-round-table type. What an enormous thing. Yeah, it's... I don't know what that is. Yeah. Yeah, so I'm quite excited about Large Samuel.

Oh, yeah. There's a great clip of him. Have you ever seen that clip of him when there's a bloke dives, a player dives right in front of him and he gets up looking all hurt and upset and Sam's going, really laughing like a bit too loudly

about four feet from his face. Oh, man. And he's from Dudley and that's his face. Oh, man. And he's from Dudley, and that's what counts. Oh, there you go. So, yes. Local hero. Excited about it. Yeah, used to play for the Albion.

Great. Have you seen this from Kev Mills? No. Morning, Frank Al, and the giggly one, he calls me. Oh, OK. For me, everything became more serious when supermarkets called an egg and bacon flan quiche.

We suddenly became all French overnight. Duvet is another example. It's an eiderdown for God's sake. Merry Christmas, that's Millsy and Chandler's Ford. Just for you Millsy. On the pronunciation front there was that thing where

footballers, their names were always anglicised when they came here. I remember Jimmy Hill going on about Eric Cantona. And then suddenly we started saying things like Thierry Henry. I think he was the turning point. People felt they should say Henry instead of Henry. Instead of Terry. Yeah.

Terry Henry would have been if he'd arrived two seasons earlier. Tell. Okay, so we'll find it. We'll find that comic. Yeah, and we'll pinpoint it. Probably today. Some great suggestions so far. Tremendous work, guys. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

By the way, don't forget this morning's texting. Best original questions for Guess Who? Oh, that's good. I've been playing Guess Who this week. Have you? Oh, how's it going? I don't know if I told you, when I first started playing with my son, he was only like two, and one of his first questions was,

do they look kind? Oh, yeah. And I said, that's two. You've got to be more specific than that. What a marvellous question, though. Yeah. Do they look askance? So I was quite pleased this week

with my visible tongue enquiry. Have they got a visible tongue? Yeah, have they got a visible tongue? Excellent. But you don't just want to go male, female, dog, cat, whichever version you're playing. I'm trying to find some cleverer ways of getting... Do they have an air of

insouciance? That might be too much, yeah. Do they look capable of original thought on a regular basis? Well, I'd love to come up with some stuff, though. When you play the one with human beings, if your first question is, are they male?

You've wiped out half the board straight off. Come on. Do they appear to have a hinterland? I'll tell you something as well. There's a major design error in Guess Who. What's that? If you tip it one way, the doors open on one side, and if you tip it on the other, they all close and the other ones open.

Oh, shut up. Rubbish. Come on. Come on. Sort it out, guess who. Listen, I went to a Punch and Judy show. Again? This week.

Do you go to one every year? Is this a ritual for you? If there's one around, I go. I love them. Absolutely love them. how do you even hear about them I haven't I mean I'm

I don't think I've ever heard I've got a Ponte Giudice alert the thing is I believe this there's one now this guy used

the swazzle as well the swazzle I beg your pardon you know the swazzle no I don't I'mle? I beg your pardon? You know the swazzle in... No, I don't. I'm a woman of the world. Well, you can do punch.

This is daytime radio. Oh, it's all right. You can do punch. You can do Mr. Punch the way I do him. Naughty, naughty, naughty. That's the way I do it. You can do it like that. But that's not authentic.

Oh, OK. The real Mr Punch... God forbid. You have a thing, and it's like a little device that you have in your mouth, and it makes it sound really... The voice comes really weird. A swazzle.

Yeah, it's a swazzle. How does it sound, then? I might get one. Well, I can't do it without the swazzle, but it's a more sort of unearthly version of... Is it like a kazoo, the swazzle? Yeah, like a miniature. It's got a sort of...

You know when people have had their voice sort of electronically treated? Oh, it's like an early auto-tune. Yeah, a bit like... Oh, I'm a gummy bear. I'm a gummy bear. Oh, I'm a gummy, gummy, gummy, gummy bear. If you can imagine that, but if it was produced by Samuel Beckett, that's what the voice changes into. Sounds changes, any words, that's an anagram of a fine sentence.

So it really makes him sound weird, and this guy was doing the proper swazzle thing. I could see when he spoke to the kids, I saw him, I thought he was chewing at first and then I thought, he's got a swazzle, here we go. Wow. And sure enough, very exciting. You must

be like, you know when the snooker at the crucible and they applaud like a really subtle safety shot. You must be like that fan, but for Punch and Judy. Yeah. I was, I once... Got a couple of purists in tonight.

Well, I know there's a thing amongst Punch and Judy men. It's one of the first things they ask. There's a thing amongst Punch and Judy men? What's going on? One of the first things they ask is, do you do the hanging? Because traditionally he was hanged at the end. And now they've tended to phase that out for the small ones. Oh, that's nice.

That's considerate. Yeah, it was... Hang him nicely. I find... Yeah. He's a little puppet, isn't he? Also, he's a vicious individual. He is normally.

Well, I was going to say, Frank, I find the themes very distressing. Oh, I don't know about that. I just find him very unattractive, Mr Punch, visually. If there's one thing I love, and this is a regular news story, it's Crocodile in a domestic setting. Man in council flat with Crocodile in bath. That story Manning Council flat with crocodile in bath. That story that comes up now and again.

I mean, it's one of my all-time faves. We're trying to establish the turning point when people, I think we're all agreed, we had a big vote on this, that one of the problems of the 21st century is people taking themselves too seriously. We're trying to establish the turning point. Well, our readers have come up with some answers to this. Mr Butler suggests...

Oh, God, not Mr Butler. Mr Butler! Mr Butler was a moneylender that used to come to our house when I was a kid. We were all terrified of him. Oh, Frank. Whatever got missed. The gas might have got missed.

We'd rather have that turned off than not pay Mr Butler. He had a menace about him. It's easy to forget that you grew up in a Dickens novel until you start talking about moneylenders and stuff. You say it's easy to forget. You're terrified. Obviously not for you, but for us. Mr Butler.

Well, Mr Butler might be... I hope it's not him. He's probably dead now. No. Mr Butler might be a relative of Ask Jeeves. He says, when George Michael grew his goatee, nothing was the same again after that moment.

Yeah, I know what he means there. I know what he means. Martin... What about that moment when films became I know what he means, though. I know what he means. Martin... What about that moment when films became film? Oh, yeah. So I'm interested in film. You're not interested in film. You're not interested in that cellulite stuff.

You like films. Yeah. It's all right. Martin P45. Oh, yeah. I hope everything's all right, Martin. Yeah. Oh, I've got some terrible news by the way on the retail front

but carry on Martin P45 says when sign writers were called in to add the word artisan above every shop that made something I'm with you on that What about artisan bread? Artisan pies

Oh come on Matt McGillivray Oh, yeah. Artisan pies. Oh, come on. Matt McGillivray. When comic books became graphic novels. That could be it. I think that's a really good one. That really could be it. And Mark says when darts was called a sport. I think that's a long time ago.

No, no. Yeah, I... Why did we start taking comics seriously, though? I think that's a long time ago no no yeah I why did we start taking comics seriously though when I was a kid there was no well I love comics I still read them now but I still think I wasn't one of those people who carried on

reading them into adult I stopped when I grew up and then I've gone back to them when I found out it was all right. But I still think of them like a child. I don't really want to know who did the inking on that thing. But we're all different, for goodness sake. Anyway, I've got some terrible news. What's happened?

For the retail? Yeah, there's been a lot of businesses gone to the wall recently. Yes. Difficult times. It is. It's really bad. But the big shoe shop has closed. Oh no. We've spoken of so many

times. I was just going to get Big Sam Allardyce's Christmas present. We should remind, if anyone's not heard this, Frank has... I can't remember what it was called now. Was it Nautilus or something like that it was called? It's an outsized... Outsized

shoe shop at the bottom of my room. Massive massive shoes. You may have guessed that that's what they sold from the previous preamble but it's always, I've never been in because I find it one of the most frightening shops. The idea of people with enormous feet only going in. And because every time you walk

in you hear the man saying, fee, fie, fum, fum. And also, if I walked in, I know they'd look straight at my feet. And you'd feel, ah, so inadequate. Small, yeah. But tragically, it's gone. That's a shame.

Maybe there just isn't a long-term business in having a shop that scares people. Maybe. Or one that only caters. I suppose so. What am I going to get Big Sam now? What about Greg Davis? I like to think that inside Big Sam there's a Dr Bruce Banner who's doing all the clever managing stuff that he's not given credit for.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

I've got to tell you, the readers have been on top form today with their contributions. One of the main themes... We haven't had any original questions for Guess Who? No. Some of them textings do fall on stony ground. But we take ourselves too seriously in the 21st century.

When was the turning point when that began? There's been some great responses to that. Louise Grant, when people's lives became journeys. Oh, yes. I'm glad to hear that it's not just me that finds most of society overwhelmingly mawkish these days. Lorna, when top Tips became Life Hacks. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's true.

And Paul Doctor, when TV series became Seasons. Oh, God, yeah. Yeah. Doctor! Darcy also says, is it when pop musicians started calling themselves artists? Oh, yeah, that's a biggie. Isn't it, Darcy? That is a biggie, the artist thing.

You're not artists, you're musicians. It's all right. You play the guitar. Get over yourself. Calm down. Anyway, we all do it. Poetry podcast. Nate, Theatre of theater of chips as he calls himself i like sounds good i've never heard my kids so loudly in the car as five seconds ago when you played

gummy bear now they're singing it thank you frank this long drive will fly by now we had a bit of i'll play an extended version for a minute we had a bit of bad news this week about we were going to go away for christmas and then due to various um there was tears before bedtime unfortunately ours was three right um so we can't it turns out we can't go to the house we're going to go to despite the Christmas armistice. So I had to tell my eight-year-old. And he said, oh, that's... I said, look, we'll still have a lovely Christmas.

And he said, no, it's OK. And he put the Gummy Bear song on. He said, if I feel a bit sad, I'll put this is here. And I thought, you know what? When I find myself in times of trouble... And I thought, you know what? It's working for me as well. Yeah.

It was, come on. Everybody, if there's any bad news you've had this day, I honestly recommend that you try this. I think it's medicinal. I know music is very soothing and special, but who'd have thought this would be an example? Speaking words of wisdom, Gummy Bear. Also on the subject of the Gummy Bear song,

I believe this is tangentially linked to why you brought it up. Frank, apparently you're not a proper Punch and Judy man until you've swallowed at least one swazzle. Oh, really? But are you then condemned forever to speak like Mr. Pudge? I hadn't thought of that. Yeah, they must occasionally.

Because when he spoke to the kids, like, halfway through, I could see him moving it about in his mouth, trying to... Yeah. Wow. We have another entry, by the way. Producers gesticulating. OK, how are we doing? We have another entry for taking way producers gesticulating okay how are we doing we have another entry for taking oneself too seriously the moment at which it happened 297

when tasting food became that works instead of just that's nice oh I don't think I even noticed I don't think it's a chef that works. Yep.

Well, you might want to ask what hasn't reached your house. Yeah, well, exactly. It's because nothing works. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, I was talking about Pontian. I should have said, by the way, in the Pontian Judy show I saw,

he didn't eat his baby with a stick or his wife or any of that. That's been removed. Political crackness gone mad, isn't it? The problem, the only problem I'd say with it is that he still gets, like, the police still arrive and all that. And you sort of think, well, he hasn't really done that much. He's only had an argument with that bloke. Yeah.

And it feels like he's the victim of some totalitarian state. Oh, I see. But why does the crocodile get involved then? Does he? Because there's a bloke who lives in an ex-council flat who keeps one in his bath. No, it comes as a punishment the devil turned up at the inn

so all that was there maybe they could just make it that the police arrive because they're too close to each other and not wearing masks you know that wasn't referred to at all in the whole thing it's a lovely return to normal with punch and beauty

to be fair at least it's the innocent days pre-nose job with punch and beauty. To be fair, at least it's the innocent days pre-nose job with punch. Yeah. He didn't go for rhinoplasty. How long does the show last? How much? I'd say it was 25 minutes. Right. You know, this is for little kids as well as me. Big kids.

Yeah. To be honest, David Mitchell was there as well and we were laughing I would say more than any of the children involved. It was fun. What does that tell you? Anyway, here's what I want to ask. The swazzle that I was talking about, the device, do you remember there was a little flat semi-circular thing

you used to put in your mouth to simulate birdsong? Yes. What happened to those babies and what were they called? That's a very good question. I mean, they were really good if you could do it. I would like to know what they were called. Did you ever manage it? No, I've never tried one, but I've seen them.

See, I actually, with a lot of effort, they used to be in crackers and things. You might get one this year. Men sold them on the street, didn't they? Men sold them on one this year men sold them on the street didn't they men sold them on the street men sold them on the street

bird song gadgets none of my none of my street dear yeah you might have grown up in a more exclusive area

there used to be one remember it was like a bird whistle excuse me would you like a bird whistle it never happened to me Al really

not when you was watching wrestling at Thimble Mill Baths Would you like a bird whistle? It never happened to me, Al. Really? Not when you was watching wrestling at Thimble Mill Baths. Anyway, there used to be another thing, and it was a whistle you used to put water in it. Remember that? And that used to simulate bird wobbling. Oh, I don't remember that one. You two and your bird gadgets. One last question.

Dog whistles, do they actually work? Yeah, I believe they do. Have you ever seen one in the flesh? I've seen one, but I've not used one. No, I've heard of the concept, but I've never actually seen a dog responding to something I couldn't hear. Do you think it's like the TV licence detector? I don't know.

I do see my dog do that all the time. But have you got a dog whistle? No, but what happens is he will cock his head and he'll suddenly look alarmed. Sometimes when he's sleeping with me... Yes, he's on the bed. Sorry, Frank. Oh. OK, well, you know...

We're all different. Let's not go into, you know, that, because as far as I'm concerned, it's not the most unhygienic thing that ever happens in a bedroom is a dog's presence. Thank you very much good day. That's a fair point well made However I sometimes

see him getting alarmed and waking up and then a couple of minutes later, a couple of seconds later then I'll hear a car alarm or something will happen. It's like he's tuned into it. Psychic dog?

Wow. What about when I cat sat for a guy? He said, you can stay at my house for a week. This was when I was in a bedsit, so I was beside myself. I had a whole house. He got this cat, I thought, fair enough. Every now and again, this cat, was it a cat or a dog? Anyway, I think it was a cat, would stop and stare at nothing,

but really stare for about a minute and then walk away. I became convinced he could see demons and stuff, spirits in the house that I couldn't see. That's the most logical thing to think. Don't worry, that was my first. That was my Base Camp 1 theory. Yeah. It really freaked me. Don't we? That was my first. That was my Base Camp 1 theory. Yeah. It really freaked me.

In the end, I wouldn't let it in. Oh, God. I'd like to bring to your attention a news story about the fashion brand Gucci. I know them.

Me too. They've been roundly mocked this week because they've brought out some sunglasses. I don't think it's that they've brought them out this week in December, which is weird. That's a weird time to release a sunglasses range, I guess. But the mockery has been... Not for Gucci. The people, don't they wear sunglasses the whole year round? And also, I suppose there's a lead time, isn't there,

for the fashion industry to get it out there that, hey, you could have these sunglasses for next summer. I guess that's why they released them now. Anyway, they're upside down. Not Gucci, the actual sunglasses. They look like upside-down glasses. So, I mean, I don't know how to describe it any better than that. Well, I mean, we've all done it.

If you put glasses... I mean, the ones I saw weren't actually sunglasses. They were just glasses. Were they? Yeah. Disappointing for me. Whole article, not one mention of Dennis Taylor. Well, funnily, when I read it, the comment,

it had all this Twitter. You know when people just know, you can think, well, I can't write an article of my own, so I'll quote from Twitter. It's fairly odd, that, isn't it? And what I'll do, I'll write what they said and then I'll have the tweets also in photographic form. Yeah.

We've got to fill it up. It's a big paper. Yeah. Anyway, they did that. And there was a lot of Dennis Taylor references. Yes, they referenced that a lot. But I think they kind of got it. There was a misunderstanding because he, Dennis Taylor,

in case you don't know, was a snooker player who wore these spectacles who were much higher at the top. And Dennis Taylor, so he could get his chin on the base and still see the whole time because he'd be looking upwards. Yes. But the glasses, these Gucci glasses, they sort of droop downwards. Yes, they do. So I'd say they wouldn't be good for a snooker. But the glasses, these Gucci glasses, they sort of droop downwards. Yes, they do.

So I'd say they wouldn't be good for Snoop. I'd say air hockey would be, you get that, like a broader view of that which lies beneath you. Can I speak up in defence of Alessandro Micheli, the creative director of Gucci? Yes, this is Absolute Radio and you are listening to Frank Skinner. Pal of yours. Director of Gucci. Yes, this is Absolute Radio and you are listening to Frank Skinner. Pal of yours. No.

However, I think... Look, I just want to present the case for the defence. Would you be happy with that? Yeah, sure. I'm going to be honest with you. You don't have to do this with me. I like them. Yeah.

Am I preaching to the choir? Well, I'll tell you what, though. Before you... And I'm interested to hear this. Yes. But there is a... The model that I saw wearing them was a beautiful woman.

And I remember there was an optician down our road, bottom of our road in Albury, when I was a kid. And in those days, glasses was the thing that nobody wanted. If you had to wear glasses, you were an outcast.

Yeah. Really? Yeah, if a kid at school found out they had to wear glasses, oh, outcast. Yeah. Really? Basically. Yeah, if a kid at school found out they had to wear glasses, oh no. It was before geek chic and nerds were being cool and well before geek chic. One of the people I hold responsible for that crossover was Jo Guest, the former

drama model. Oh yeah. She started with the specs very early. Do you remember, Frank? I think they were protective. But anyway, they, what they used to have pictures in the Very early. Do you remember, Frank? I think they were protective. But anyway, they... What they used to have pictures in the... They had, like, a display case at this optician's, and they had pictures of Brigitte Bardot

and Sophia Loren wearing spectacles and saying, you know, see, spectacles can look good. And you think, they could have a dead lizard draped across their face. And you'd still think, wow, she looks amazing. And this model, she's, as you say, being a model, a beautiful woman. And so I like them. Wow.

And also they're what I would call zany. Wow. And also they're what I would call zany. There isn't enough of that in the world where we take ourselves too seriously. No, sorry, Victoria. Victoria Jenner, following on from the spelling of Alan's name, I posted a gift for Emily via special delivery to arrive at Absolute today. Royal Mail have said they've had a request not to deliver to your address today.

Gutted. And I spelt everyone. So thank you for your gifts, Victoria. I'm sure we'll receive them in the new year. I've had a request not to deliver. What kind of a request is that? I don't understand it. Could somebody please look into this? And if anyone from Royal Mail is listening,

what the hell is going on? I'm going to do that next time I have a bad gig. Sorry about that. I had a request not to deliver. So I followed that up. What does it mean, though? Have you ever said, if there's any nice presents for me, can you not bring them?

Yeah. I like the way you're saying this. It's like number two in the prisoner saying why did you resign it is a bit like that though sorry we were talking about upside down spectacles and and you were about to make a technical point emily rm i don't know if you know this used to work in the fashion industry so she she's got many insights that we don't have. All I would say, and I know these stories, you know, we've all had a laugh, haven't we?

Yeah. But I know we find it amusing. Why are they wearing this on the runway? Yeah. What I would say, I think it's helpful to explain the method behind the madness, the apparent madness. Yeah. The designer, so Alessandro Micheli, would

view that, those glasses, he would view that to a degree as what we call unwearable fashion. There's unwearable fashion? Yes, bear with. He's not really expecting punters to run out and buy and wear. He's not expecting Alan Cochran to walk into Specsavers and say,

hello, can I have some of the upside down cat's eye sunglasses, please? And I'll have a pair of normal ones as well to go, you know. I mean, I hope that doesn't happen. Well, I wouldn't mind a pair, because I've got a pair. You know that Richard Gere had those things when he hung from the ceiling? Merry Conjugalow. I've got one of those at home.

Oh, yeah? And it'd be quite handy for upside-down spectacles whilst watching the television. He would see this as the equivalent of the concept car. It's sort of a showcase for his themes, his brand. And he wouldn't... I'm not saying... I mean, somebody might buy them. A bit strange if you do.

I did wonder if actually they get more headlines for putting stuff like this on a catwalk than if they just put somebody walking down in a nice jumper. And then everyone goes, oh, that's nice, isn't it? Yes, I mean, it's a little like the Lady Gargant meat dress. That's how you have to think of it. Oh, apparently that went off, didn't it? Well, it would eventually.

It's very hard. She got up the next day and ate it. I don't know how many shelves you've got but hanging that in the fridge would be a complete

nightmare. Well we have a walking chilled wardrobe. Do you? Lovely. Like a butcher's meat fridge in many ways. That'll keep the

keep the moths down. Well what it means is that those glasses we will all be wearing versions of them in five years' time. But we won't look like Bridget Bardell or Sophia Loren. You will, Frank. I don't think I will. I have to face that.

These are women who would look good in those is-this-better-or-this glasses that you get at eye tests. We can't, George. Well, as you know I used to watch fashion TV when it was on you loved fashion TV

I was mesmerised by it and I started I watched a one hour documentary about what's it called haute couture

yeah and all these women doing intricate stitches on things hot food yeah it's about McDonald's.

I just brought that up as a digression. You see, that's why they have pret-a-porter, because that means ready to wear. Ready to wear means wearable fashion. Couture is unwearable. It's fantasy world. Thank you. I've had shoes like that.

Mmm. fantasy world. Thank you. I've had shoes like that. Here's a question then, Em, as our fashion correspondant. Do people still wear those clip-on shades that you put onto normal glasses? Like over-aviator type things. Are you referring to Reactolite Rapides? No.

Reactolite Rapides are the ones that used to, they would dim in sunlight. I don't like those. You see old people in those. I always think that's a mistake. Yeah. But I'm on about, I know.

They actually, they're like just the shades and they clip on to normal glasses and you can flick them up or pull them down, depending on... I'm not sure if they quite come under the umbrella of fashion or sort of joke shop, but I'm... Or pragmatic.

I think they were a serious... Were they? I think they were. I'm familiar with the items. That's one of the rare reversals of a thing that people took seriously and now they consider it to be a joke

I think that possibly they had the sort of M in James Bond vibe, like high tech appeal, didn't they? I do remember them, Frank, but I haven't seen them for several decades Well, if anyone's gone anywhere I'd wear them.

Yeah, I would as well. Very handy. If I wore glasses, but as a non-glasser. Yeah, you don't want to be wedging them in your folds, in your eyes. What's your folds called? Oh, my epicanthic folds. Yeah, you don't want to be wedging them in your epicanthics. Your Nordic epicanthics.

Heaven forfend. Frank, a brief... Pinsnay, what happened to the Pinsnay? I told you I was watching a WB8. Is that how you say it? Yes. Is it? What would you say, Pinsnay?

I've only ever read it, so I always say Pinsnay, but in my head. Do you know what? In my voice. When it comes to language decisions, I go with Frank. Oh, yeah? But there's a lot less to go wrong. I don't mean as opposed to you. I don't want to fall out on...

That's fine. He's really upset. No. I don't mean as opposed to you. I don't want to fall out on. That's fine. He's really upset. No, I'm okay. Pince, pince, pince. When did we start ticking ourselves? When we started calling pince nays, pince nay. Frank, five... But you know the ones that clip on the nose?

They're very much associated with... WB Yeats. And you have a lanyard. You have a lanyard on them. It's a great idea but I'm thinking if you want to moor your spectacles, the nose is a lot nearer than the ear

so it makes a lot of sense and you can't, you know all the things that go wrong with your stems, you have to sellotape them on and wear them like that you know what I mean I think I'd be that guy if I did wear glasses. I'd definitely be the guy with sellotape on the side.

Well, I mean, the screws are too small. You have to have a special screwdriver. Do you? People take them into the opticians to get a screw put in. Yeah. My wife recently... My wife. My wife. Take her.

Comedy's changed. My wife recently saw some glasses in a shop that she liked, mentioned it to a friend who said, oh, so-and-so works in the optician thing. He might be able to get you them cheap. And then, like, two or three weeks later, gets a call, he's got your glasses. Not he's got you a price for your glasses, just he's got your glasses. Not he's got you a price for your glasses,

just he's got your glasses. And I said, do you know how much they're going to be? And she said, no. Oh, first question now. Exactly. First out the door, Frank. £120 without a conversation of like, oh, you say that's cheap, but we don't know, do we?

Does that include the lenses as well, or just the frames? I think maybe the lenses were in there, yeah. Is that good? I don't know how he's put the lenses in. She hasn't even been in there. You see, one of those, like Albert Pierpoint, the old hangman. Oh, lovely Christmas reference. He could shake someone's hand and estimate their weight

within a couple of pounds either way. That would be very useful for judo or Brazilian jiu-jitsu. As it was for execution. Season's greetings, everyone. So maybe an optician can look at your eyes and think, oh, minus 125, minus 175, and you're in. If there's any opticians, let us into your secret. Or hangmen.

Or hangmen. Very few hangmen listening is my guess. I don't know, unless they're working in some sort of... Anyway. Punching Judy, maybe? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Yeah, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

Text us on 81215, people have. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram, at Frank on the Radio. They've done that as well. And email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I don't know. Steve Stew has been in touch. Steve Stew.

Yeah. Both of them. Where did Frank on the radio actually live? Hashtag Smedic, hashtag West Brom or hashtag Oldbury? Well, I was born in West Bromwich at what was then Hallam Hospital. David Copperfield,

the adventures of. And I lived on the Oldbury Smedic border. So literally, I could, I was in Oldbury, but I could hit smedic with a stone thrown from my garden i tried it so it's so the answer it simply yes to all of those okay well i hope that's cleared up for you steve i also have an update to bring i messaged my wife and said when your glasses were 120 pounds was that with lenses?

And she's replied, yes, but trade. Glasses cost nothing to make. One of the big rip-offs, she says. I'm very interested in the big rip-off. Well, me too. CDs were always cited as one of the most massive profit margins. My son found a CD in our car the other day and he went, £8.99? You paid £8.99 for a CD?

Did he know what a CD was? Yeah, we listened to CDs in the car quite a bit. I know someone who said... But it was £9. Who said that... Who thought that buying a bin was a rip-off. He said, I mean, I'm not buying a bin, that's a rip-off. Why is that a rip-off?

If I lived alone... I don't think it's a rip-off, but it is one of those sadnesses when you... You know when you, like, move out and you're sort of becoming a grown-up? It feels really grown-up to buy bin bags or something. You're like, oh, God, I'm spending my money on bleach and stuff. Yeah, but I love buying bleach. I wouldn't bother with a bin. I'd just have a bin bag and put stuff in.

I started doing that, and Kat said, no, we've got to get a bin. Did she say, you're doing all right? I know, but what does a bin do exactly? I'm going to take it out and put it in a bin. Yeah, but a bin line is the receptacle. Yeah, but it's connecting straight with your cabinet. You don't want it to ooze.

You don't want it to ooze onto your woodwork. I wouldn't fill it to ooze in, obviously. We've also had from Darren Crook. I hope you're not operating at this time of year, Darren. When did people start taking life too seriously? He submitted when Jocky Wilson stopped drinking a pint between each throw of his dart. Oh, yeah.

That's when there's less... When they stop smoking and drinking and snooker and going in the mid-thing. Yeah. Yeah, right. And also, that thing... When a player used to get injured in a football match, the other players would all lie on the floor until it was sorted out.

There'd just be players lying all over the place. They'd never do that there. They were never going to drink a water. They'd just lay on the floor. And Millie Martin... That's a good name. Great name. I think it was when we all stopped having problems and started having issues.

Oh, Millie! Good point. Great name. I think it was when we all stopped having problems and started having issues. Oh, Millie! Good point. I wonder if her name is Millicent, because Millicent Martin was quite a famous satirical singer in the 60s. She was, yeah. Joe Ward has emailed, yesterday I purchased a small notepad for my six-year-old son for the bargain price of 59 pence.

It was designed to look like a handheld game console. It had on the front, it sounds like a bargain, had on the front of it what I would have called a hologram that looked like a little computer screen. In the corner was a sticker that said, quote, with lenticular moving parts. Whoa! Absolute madness. sticker that said quote with lenticular moving parts absolute madness i had to have a sit down to really process the enormity of it what on earth does that mean yeah just taking itself too seriously just put hologram on there you don't need to say with lenticular moving parts.

Well, I bought a pack of two notebooks from Poundland. Guess how much? Pound. Correct. Brilliant. Do you know what I hate? You gave me a little steer there. I paused quite a long time before working out the answer. I paused quite a long time before working out the answer.

And there was a sticker on it that said, Ideal for making notes. Absolutely marvellous. I had another. Let me get this right. I got six, no, eight, Eight paper-made pens in a pack. And a partridge in a pear tree. Guess how much?

Not a pound. A pound! A pound, that's a good bargain as well. Two on Al, he's on a roll. I find this link very depressing. If people still did this, I would go... She got two right. What happened to that? That died out. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

On the subject of the great rip-offs, I'm not a consumer of these, but women's haircuts seem to be up there, don't they? Yeah, aren't they even called haircuts? Really expensive. Okay. And it's, you know, it's the same scissors, isn't it? What do you pay for a haircut, Al?

I do it myself with clippers. Knopping. There we go. Now we're going to come to me, aren't we? What do you pay? No, that's your business. I mean, my wife literally will not tell me how much her haircut costs. So, you know, it must be expensive.

Yeah, I think it... I ask every day. There is some sort of... About every hour, actually. That's one of the equality things that hasn't really been looked at. The fact that women are charged more for a haircut than a man. Yeah, you'd never know the difference to look at us, would you?

No, but see, you've been led to believe that. I know. But does it take longer to cut a woman's hair? I suspect my hair takes a little longer than yours, with the greatest respect. I bet not that much. With the absolute greatest respect

to you and the Turkish barber. But if we broke down the proportional pricing, I bet yours would still come out as you're being taken advantage of for being female. I think you're both right. I think this is one of those rare occasions where two people can both be right when seeming to disagree. OK.

There you go. Lovely. Thank you. Nice. Having said that, I'm very glad. I like the way that you... Seems to be with the ombudsman. Do you work with the conciliation service? Who's ACAS?

I think I should. I like that you take your son to the salon, Frank, with you, because I feel you'll start... You were saying recently, I think, you'd... Well, he had his first haircut. He had his first haircut. He's eight. And I think it was lovely that you took him to your hairdresser

and it all felt quite a sort of regular experience. And I think I may have mentioned to you before, my first time I had my first haircut, my mother said, right, we're going to Sir Lawrence Olivier's hairdresser. And I didn't want to look like Sir Lawrence Olivier as an eight-year-old child. No. I mean, it was fine. It worked out fine. But that's, Turkish barber's the way to go.

Yeah. Okay. It worked out fine, but Turkish barbers are the way to go. Okay? Of course, he invented the purdy cot in Henry V. I look more like him in The Entertainer, but anyway. I told you, didn't I? I met a bloke who worked for, he was an assistant to Mr. Teasy Weezy Raymond. Oh, yes. It was a celebrity hairdresser when I was a small boy.

Yeah. And I said to him, I bet you must have had some fascinating people in the salon. He said, yeah, we did have some interest. I said, who's the most interesting? He said, Salvador Dali. What? He comes in for a haircut. I mean, what do you say about that?

Imagine that elephant in the room, that moustache. Yes. Sticking out 18 inches on either side. Do you say, shall I just take the edge off the... No. I like this. Who's the person you can least imagine having a haircut? Because that is up there for me, Frank.

Dali, come on. Duncan Goodyear. Yeah. Yeah, what would you talk to Salvador Dali about while you were cutting his hair? I don't know. Would it be, you know, you see the match last night, Sal? I don't think you call him Sal.

Been busy, where are you going on your holidays? I like the idea of people calling him Sal. Yeah, I think it'd be all right. Sal's a smethic. What if he just said, well, they played nine-minute stoppage time, but the clock melted. Frank, you were talking about Poundland earlier. I was.

They are really, really good for stationery, can I tell you that? Great for things. If you've got a quid spare. I bought a pack of four highlighters. Thank you. Four highlighters, how much? I thought you said four lighters. A pound. No, three pounds.

I don't understand. Hang on, had you gone in a different shot? No, it's a big pound land. If you ever wanted to commission a show called How Much, with Frank saying, I went into Poundland. Yeah. I mean, I would try and sue that show on grounds it's my catchphrase. As far as your wife's concerned, it is.

Exactly. Well, there was some shocking news, actually, about Poundland. Am I saying it the right way? Poundland. What, are you thinking it should be Poundland? Yeah. It's up to you. Poundland.

Poundland. Is it like... If it was like an MP's name, it'd be like Derek Poundland. Yeah. Is it like Newfoundland? Or is it Poundland? Or is it like Disneyland? I think it's Poundland? Or is it like Disneyland?

I think it's Poundland Funnily enough I'm going to take your steer on this Al Did you say Newfoundland? Oh Newfoundland would you say Newfoundland If they'd re-verbised they could call it New Poundland

That's a good idea I like the idea of Poundland. That's a good idea. Yeah. I like the idea of Poundland. OK, let's go with Poundland. It's been in a bit of trouble, haven't they? They've had some bad press. Poor Poundland. Who can Poundland have bad press? Well.

They've got these festive tills. And it's a nice little jester. They've set up a special recording of Santa himself. And the recording is activated the problem is the recording the festive recording is activated when your card is rejected and i've heard it have you heard it they have santa saying card declined insensitive well he's jolly he's jolly by nature he says is it on the naughty list I'm checking at once

I'll tell you what he does it's a very there's a skill there's a skill in musicals of that moment when dialogue

becomes song oh yeah and he does that quite well what he says he says he says I'm checking

it twice and then he suddenly, I'm checking it twice. And then he suddenly goes, I'm going to find out who's naughty or nice. And it's a very nice transition from. I like the idea of people who get involved in credit card fraud are either naughty or nice. Yeah, it's quite binary, isn't it? And indeed, people are struggling financially. It doesn't at all fit in with David Beckham's view that there's no right or wrong.

People are up in arms, though, because a lot of people have said, thanks a lot, Poundland. For shaming us. New Poundland. Well, it's also the idea that... They could have called it quid pro quo. They could have called that a shock there.

Yeah. Well, I was thinking it could have been worse. It could have said, unafforded item in the bagging area. That would have been really shaming, wouldn't it? So only one of the things, the benefits of the self-service till is that you can experience the humiliation, let's not beat around the bush, the mulberry bush, of the rejected card in privacy.

Yeah. A bit of discretion. And they're turning it into a public moment. I've always thought humiliation is great cardiovascular. We know about that. That's what your basement said. I've had a fair bit. We know about that. That's what people in your basement said. I've had a fair bit. We know about that, mate.

I've had a fair bit of humiliation in my life and various things. The ballet link. Ballet link. What else? Ballet link. The Brits. The Brits was terrible. Yeah.

That bar made in Wigan. There was another TV one you did, Frank, that was better. Oh, there was plenty. But you're... You know what I mean? You keep throwing it at the wall, it doesn't all stick.

Good point. But I think it's a strengthening experience. Yeah. Humiliation. I wouldn't... You know what? You've done all right by it, mate. And also,

if people were sniggering at me in Poundland, I think I'd be inclined to turn to the queue and say, hey, we're all in Poundland before you get on your high horse. It's a great leveller. But some of us are looking at the stars. Yeah, exactly. But don't come here pointing the finger at me. We're all in this together, guys.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Yeah, exactly. But don't come here pointing the finger at me. We're all in this together, guys. 297 has said, re-Salvador Dali football chat. Would he support surreal Madrid? Goodness me. Surreal Madrid. I get it. Oh, you get it?

You just say, goodness me. There is a point. You know the turning point when we started taking ourselves too serious? Yeah. It was always Real Madrid when I was a kid and it's suddenly become Real Madrid. Good point. Good point. We're in Poundland

at the moment. Poundland. Not together. This is, you know, theoretically. It's not an anecdote, is it? No. But Frank just made a very good point that those in Poundland anyway should not be judging. Yeah. Let he who is in Poundland cast the first stone.

How much is that stone going to set you back? A pound. Unless it's in a pack of four with the highlighters. Three quid. Is everything a pound then? No, the high four with the highlighters. Three quid. Is everything a pound then? No, the high pack of four highlighters is three quid. And some things are two for a pound and some things are four for a pound.

But it's really good for, honestly, for stationery, I'd recommend it. Are you one of those people that love stationery shops? I love stationery, generally. But then you go to the cheap place around the corner instead. Well, because I go into Ryman's and think I can't justify spending... You go into Ryman's 1983. He goes into Ryman's window shopping

and then he goes into Poundland and gets the same stuff cheaper. Is Ryman still going? Yes, this is the one I go in regularly. Are you sure, Frank? Absolutely certain. Okay. I got my 2021 journal from there only last week. I'm just going to use this year's.

Still got some pages free in that one. But people talk about humiliation. I mean, it's their card being rejected. That might not be because you don't have any money. Could be a technical glitch. Could be also. I was going out once with a French woman half my age and we went into a restaurant...

Show you a good life. We went to... Legend. Oh, make me feel ill. You and you make me feel ill. We went into a restaurant and I suddenly went to sneeze. I took my handkerchief out and as I pulled it out a

vic inhaler and a suppository landed on the floor oh dear now don't talk to me about humiliation she laughed hysterically like in a very ho ho ho that french kind oh man it was so awful I had a quite a bad one. My Oyster card fell out of my wallet. No shame in having an Oyster card. No, no. But I was in a private jet. Oh.

That's all right, though, isn't it? Well, I thought it was, but the other people, you know. I went to Nobu, which is a very posh restaurant in London. And I think I was with Michael McIntyre and we when they came for the thing I said

can I pay for the oysters with this yeah and got out my oyster cup and they said I don't know if it works

I don't know what it is come on mate what a shame where else am I going to use this guy come on

no I don't leave me. Mate! No, but I... But I don't think... Ow. Anyway, I was pleased with myself, but, you know, gone. You've got a few other options, Frank. Gone, gone, and never called me mother.

You could do it with a boots card at a shoe store. Oh, that's a good idea, except it's shut. Yeah, but Oyster Card, it was so perfect. A dozen oysters. I know, but you know, you've got to move on, sweetheart. Yeah, don't let it get you down for the rest of the Christmas season. It's like when I went out with a woman in Birmingham and we lived in some flats, Which at the time were quite rough flats

Called Bath Court And I said the problem with Bath Court Is the residents spend rather more time in the latter Than they do in the former And she said to me Where's the latter? And I thought you and I can never be a couple I have to tell you be a couple.

I have to tell you, my partner, Kath, and her sister, Rachel, do a podcast called I Wish I Was an Only Child

and the next one, which is up on, it's up next Friday, which is, is that Christmas Day or Boxing Day? It is Christmas Day, I believe.

They've got a Christmas special. What we did, we did a Christmas special in which me, I, and my brother-in-law, Rachel's husband, Jack Thorne, who's the writer guy... Mm-hm. Yeah. ..who'd done his dark materials and... Everything good. Everything. Harry Potter stage play, etc.

We interview our partners about their relationship. Me and Jack interview them. Now imagine that. You know when they say never teach your partner to drive. It's got that kind of tension in the air. It sounds tense. It sounds like my

most favourite thing I've ever heard in my whole life and I haven't heard it yet. When you get a laugh saying something about your partner and then thinking, I'll enjoy this laugh now because it may well be pain and anguish later down the line. So this is on Christmas Day? It goes up on... They've got a regular thing.

I think it's Peter Serevanovich this week. Oh, yeah. But what I'm saying is, just listen to me, is what I'm saying. That's my general plug. And we should have you mentioned the name of the podcast, right? It's called I Wish I Was an Only Child. And it's available where you get your podcasts. That's what you say if you're trying to.

Thanks very much. But it was sprung on me. Can you do a podcast for us lunchtime? And you can't say no. So anyway, it was really something. Do you know what? That's made my Christmas the prospect of that. I actually can't wait.

Let's talk about that in 2021, shall we? I've never done anything quite like it before. I think it's fair to say. We've had a text in which I think contains occasionally this show tiptoes into being good consumer advice. Poundland is best for kitchen sponges.

About 20 multicoloured with scourers for your one pound. Silly money in the supermarket for a pack of only four. Useful though. You know, there's some brilliant stuff in Poundland. I'm not kidding you. money in the supermarket for a pack of only four. It's true. Useful though. There's some brilliant stuff in Pamela. I'm not kidding you. Oh, there we go again. Yeah, there really is.

I'll tell you what, I thought, I like a laugh. Yeah. American Vice President Mike Pence, he missed a real opportunity. Grandpa Lego hair. Yes. He missed a real opportunity. Oh, Grandpa Lego hair. He missed a real...

He looks like Colonel White as well from Captain Scarlet. Anyway, he missed a classic opportunity. If I was having a big... If they asked me if I'd get vaccinated as a high-prof profile sort of person you know to do it which they did with him this week

he was vaccinated live on telly and all that I would have done that whole thing of having the vaccination and then falling down behind the table

coming up with like false teeth in and like Jekyll and Hyde you've got to do that Mike you'll never get that chance again you're fine he might have been asked not to after that, Mike. You'll never get that chance again, you fool. He might have been asked not to after that nurse fainted when she'd gone in.

Anyway. Maybe. Oh, Pence. He'll look back on that and think, you know, my one regret. Yeah. So I didn't do the chuckling. No, he won't, Frank. You would have.

He won't. I don't think he's got where he got because he was drawn to comedy. No, he started on, he had a bit part in Batman Lego movie. Yeah. He was great in that, wasn't he? Yeah, he played Steve Martin. Lego Steve Martin he was. Very good.

I got crazy feet. Okay. So look. So, look. Oh, well. The next time, we've got our greatest hit shows coming up over Christmas, which is the best of the year. Yeah. Which, it's not like this.

If you listen to this and thought, oh, I'm not listening to this again. The greatest hits, you know, they have a consistency. It's literally the best bits. It's the best bits. Oh, I'm always they have a consistency which is alarming. It's the best bits. Oh, I'm always pleasantly surprised when I hear it. Yeah. So try that. And I say you have a bonus.

You can listen to me on my partner's podcast from Christmas. Oh, can I mention mine, please? Thank you. I've got my Christmas specials out on Monday, Walking the Dog. Jamie Cullum, Piano Man. Oh, I was hoping the Christmas special, it would be a dog sled. I tried Santa. Problem with availability.

Story of my life. Very busy. So look, if the good Lord spares us and the cricks don't rise, we will be back again. Well, in greatest hits form this time next week. And you know what? Have a lovely Christmas.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.