The Frank Skinner Show - That's Hull

Episode Date: October 17, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has finally had his hair cut and has a question about low-calorie drinks. The team also discuss aficionados, Sporty Spice and historical songs.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Okay, there you have it. Morning. Good morning. I was driving in this morning, yes.

I drive myself and I tell you what suddenly filled my head was, do you remember an advert that went you can do it, we can help. One calorie, one calorie, Diet Pepsi can help. Do you remember that?

I do not remember that. It was at the beginning of the diet drink. That was my morning prayer. But was that true, that it had one calorie in diet Pepsi? I mean, I didn't think you could. What kind of a dietary micrometer would measure one calorie. Yeah, you wouldn't think it would go down that low, would you? No, I mean, I'd love to, if anyone, if there's any nutritionists listening, and I think you

can become a nutritionist, can't you? After two hours on the internet, you get a second. Oh, easy. Yeah. Let me know if, is it still true? Or did they manage to squeeze out that last calorie from Diet Pepsi as part of their advanced research? Presumably they'd done some marketing and research and had decided, yeah, that appealed to people. Better than saying calorie-free. To say, we'll come over as very upfront.

No one's perfect. Couldn't get that last baby. But, you know, it's still pretty good for you. OK. Also, you can do it, we can help. There's a sense that you're on some sort of quest, some health quest. Yeah.

Anyway. How long are we going to avoid the elephantitis in the room? Well, he played a song called Cut Your Hair, and we've not even discussed the fact that he's shorn it. It's gone. Frank has... I mean, no-one warned me. I wasn't prepared. I walked in this morning and, blowing me down,

it was a new man standing in front of me. Well, I did it on a whim. You never... I did it on a whim, yeah. And I did. I did it on a whim. Yeah. And I tell you what, funnily enough, I didn't watch the Graham Norton show although a lot of people watched it and said

my hair looked terrible. Some people personally communicated with me. Many texted the show last week and we filtered a fair number of them out. I appreciate that. We only told you the broadcastable ones. Yeah.

But I didn't watch it because I don't really watch myself on stuff like that because it breaks my heart. It's not that it breaks your heart, it's because it's a very unhealthy thing to do but that's another story. So sometimes they leave set-ups in and not punchlines when you watch television shows that you've been on i know you know people no way of scratching your fingers into your own wallpaper yeah it's it's it's it's

really painful anyway um but what i did watch a bit of was emily interviewing me for the, what was that thing called? The AHAB, Captain AHAB conference. Captain AHAB? It was something like that. What was it at the producer's hall, though? International? AHAB. We tried to work out. We spent several hours trying to work out.

It's a bureau. There's a bureau involved. Oh, that's right. What did it stand for in the end, Frank? Advertising. Internet Advertising Bureau. Oh, yeah. Something like that.

Anyway, I watched a bit of that, and my hair looked terrible. I mean, it was terrible. It wasn't just, you know... And I don't think that was its badness peak. I think that was like a week or two before. Well. Michael McIntyre texted me

and said that he thought it symbolised the current crisis wow so yeah I looked I watched it on that thing and it's sort of post-lobotomy

chic yeah is how I would describe it so I decided I mean I can't believe I went on national television I mean international television it's Graham I went on national television. I mean, international television.

Graham Norton goes across the globe. So, yeah, sorry, guys, it's a globe. That's lost to half our listeners. Why do you think, darling, that that's maybe occurred to you now rather than a couple of weeks back? It's like this radio show. Some people listening might not know that the texts and everything that come in don't come into my side of the desk.

Only Alan and Emily see them. So I live in the belief that only love is coming in and praise. And that keeps me going. And because I didn't watch myself with the hair thing, from inside, it felt great. This side of the hair, it looked really good. It was like the chair at Aime Tree. It looked good from one side, but once you're over it,

it's a terrible drop at the other side. So from inside it seemed great, but once I got an objective view of it, it's like one of the worst haircuts I've ever seen on television. And I've watched a lot of programmes set in hospitals and prisoner of war camps. It's right up there. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

yeah I tell you what the barber said to me he cut my hair and where did you go? I went to my usual Turkish barbers in Hampstead

and he cut my hair and then he said uh he did the thing you know and they show you i said yeah it looks great and it did i i liked it and uh but bear in mind all things are you know there was a before and after yeah in context it looked absolutely amazing it looked better pretty quickly didn't it yeah exactly like a couple of snibs? It was the concept of hanging around with the ugliest kid in the class, so you look great. But when he said one of those,

he said to me, which I don't think a barber's ever said this, he finished, and then he said, it's all right if you don't look at the back. And it was a long, he said they were, he went too high at the back

well this is my 8 year old in a list of the last bloke did a terrible job this is my 8 year old son trying to help me out but I'm sort of I thought I've always been ok with that.

It's all right if you don't look at the back. You know, fridges and all that. I don't mind it. You don't look at the back? I don't. Theatrical sets, surgical gowns. Yeah, centaurs. I think I'm fine with it.

I've always been happy with that. We're not looking at... It's like the tops of buildings. Awful. Yeah, awful. If you live high up and you look and you think, oh, I love that building, you see it from the top and it's a dirty old air con thing.

Yes. Horrible. Why don't we do something with that? That's why I find it often slightly overrated, this idea of the glamour of New York, because when I've stayed in hotels, I've found it's too much information. Well, they don't allow for the fact that people

are capable of flight nowadays. Yeah. Medieval peasant! Are you not capable of flight, Emily? Is that just me and Frank no I meant mechanically aided flight I'm not claiming for one second that I can actually

ascend on my own also I've got quite a big spot have you noticed that I haven't noticed that you know it's radio you could just not tell them that no no but I think at my age if you're getting spots on your face, that's the sort of spots where in a year's time,

you're saying to a doctor, well, at first I thought it was just a spot. Oh, you're documenting. Do you know what I say? I love it. I punch the air when I get a spot. It's so anti-aging. Because people think, she can't be that old. She's got a spot.

I don't think people could look at me and think he can't be that old. Could they? I mean, that's like if Mount Rushmore got a spot. People would think, oh, maybe Lincoln is in his mid-thirties. Hey, I had some info. Is Lincoln on there

actually? I've got some information. He's one of the top, sorry, Albert, he's one of the big five as the Safari. How many are on? Any offers? How many are on Rushmore? Four? I think there's four.

In fact, I think I named them recently at home. Oh, go on, Al. Do it. But I don't want to do it on air. Go on, go on. Rushmore. Rushmore. Rushmore.

Well, I think we've got Lincoln. Lincoln's a gimme, isn't it? Washington? Yeah, surely. Roosevelt? Is it that sort of today? Oh, I wish it was. What, there's like a Reagan or something?

I don't understand. There's no Reagan. Why don't we have a Rushmore equivalent? 8, 12, 15. Yeah, exactly. Because it was Dave in Attenborough, that's why. Good reason for not. Oh, goodness me.

We've had some correspondence. Ah, good. Firstly, this review, just to make you feel slightly better, Jenny Hughes, I thought he looked great with long hair, to be honest. Yeah, it wasn't so much the length, it was the, um,

style. Yeah. But thanks, I appreciate that. Sammy, on the other hand, Sammy Anther, the nation breathes a sigh of relief. Sarah Crane? I'm surprised Appreciate that. Sammy, on the other hand, Sammy Anthor, the nation breathes a sigh of relief. Huh? Sarah Crane? I'm surprised Kath hadn't already taken things in hand.

No, Kath was just abusive about it. I mean, really, your hair looks terrible on a daily basis. Right. She'd be saying that. And I said, I don't say anything about your skull top that you always wear. And, you know, that was a bit... A skull top?

Yeah, not school, skull. Yeah, she wears a top with skulls on it every day. Oh, OK, right. At the risk of paraphrasing, I was sounding slightly Churchillian. Yeah. She, Bessie, can take the top off tomorrow. Yes, that is true. Can I say, you've just reminded me of something

that I saw in the street yesterday that I'd completely forgot that made me laugh out loud. A bloke was walking along in suburban Manchester wearing a Petr Cech-style rugby headguard. Oh, yeah. Done up, but with street clothes, like normal clothes. He was wearing it with jeans and a fleece as if it was a warm hat.

Do you think maybe he had a bad hair thing? I think he thought, well, this is supposed to be protecting and warm. I'll wear it as a hat. He just thought it looked aesthetically pleasing in a sort of Davy Crockett. Well, it did not. Was it that jazz singer guy? It did not look aesthetically pleasing.

What's that guy who wears that hat all the time? Oh, I know who you mean, but I've forgotten his name. Who? It's a jazz singer. Yeah. Oh, yes. No, it was not him. He loves that hat.

I wonder how many of those hats he's got. Is it Geoffrey is the name? No. I don't think so. It wasn't him, and it wasn't Petr Cech. Oh, no, it was Geoffrey Porter. Oh, Porter. Oh, yes. Geoffrey is the name? No. I don't think so. It wasn't him, man. It wasn't Petr Cech. I thought it was Geoffrey Porter. Oh, Porter. Oh, yes.

Geoffrey Porter. Gregory Porter. Gregory Porter. We got there in the end. Oh, Geoffrey. I was thinking of Rainbow. Some people are halfway through their text, some jazz aficionados.

Oh, yeah. Which is one of the few things you get aficionados of. It's jazz, I find. Good point. Talking of Geoffreys. What are the other aficionados? 8, 12, 15. And when people say aficionado,

why do they always preface it with something of an... Yeah, yeah. Something of an aficionado. Unless they preface it with jazz. Yes. Jazz. There's no other one. There's no rock aficionados, country aficionados.

No. It's usually that. It doesn't have to be music. Any aficionados, country aficionados. No, it's usually that. It doesn't have to be music. Any aficionados you can send us, 8, 12, 15, that would make me happy. And wouldn't you like to make an old man happy? Oh, we heard that before. Yeah, what a video that was.

Frank, would you like to know who the final Rushmore president is? I would. Fun in Hounslow Oh, thanks for the tip. Has been in touch to tell us and Jefferson. Ah, Thomas Jefferson.

So it's Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and Roosevelt. Everybody's talking about pop music. Pop it out. Pop music. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We've had an aficionado suggestion. Oh, good. From Mash in Valencia, who said, I can't believe you've all forgotten cigar aficionado. Oh, I didn't know that was there. One of Frank's favourite magazines, if I recall correctly. Oh, is that what it was called?

I remember that now. Imagine a magazine just about cigars. Well, they always had, they had to alternate because it was either sort of James Woods or Arnie on the cover. Cool guys. You see, I would think Pierce Brosnan. I don't know. He probably doesn't

smoke one, but he looks like he ought to. Because his eyes look like they've had a lot of smoke heading towards them. Right. Oh, Cigar of... Well remembered. Brilliant. I'm going to be glad of the readers of this show when

things start to slip away from me. When your memory packs up fully. I'll be just coming on every week and saying, right, 8.12.15, what's my pin number? Just to balance out the perhaps less healthy of the cigar promotion, 118 has texted, honestly, they replaced sugar for aspartame? Oh yeah, aspartame.

Aspartame. We've all got a different... In diet drinks, that's how they keep the calories down. Yeah, but was there ever one? Was there ever one? Just one? Just one calorie. Was that just a sales pitch to make us think

well they must be telling the truth or they wouldn't have brought up that one calorie. I then it went. Was that just a sales pitch to make us think well they must be telling the truth or they wouldn't have brought up that one calorie. I'd love it if we had someone who actually worked there and knew this. If only Michael Jackson was still alive. He had connections with Pepsi didn't he? I seem to remember. I think he was their ambassador.

His pop ambassador was I think because it was like a pun on pop and also pop. But then there was the accident was I think because it was like a pun on pop and also pop. Yeah. There was the accident with the hair and it was all Oh yeah. Well when I watched that you interviewing me

my hair being on fire felt like a blessed relief. Again it's all relative isn't it? Yeah. Of course it was all relatives in the Jackson 5. So, um... Oh, dear, what? I don't know.

I'm really pleased you feel happier. But there is a part of me that... That's what I kind of love about you, is that your lack of vanity. Yeah, but... That was taking it too far. It's almost becoming vanity. It's almost, what about this?

It's got a what about this? Yeah, exactly. Fair play, I like it. It looked like part of some public vendetta. And that was what was wrong with it. I'm not saying it's great now, but I like it better. Al, what do you think?

I like it. I mean, I commented what did I say when I came in? I did say I complimented it to the Colston, I think you said.

Yeah. Oh, I took a turn and ended up in Colston. I am expecting Hull. Oh, I'll tell you what. What was the place that somebody said or Grimsby. Oh, I tell you what. What was the place that somebody said that... Oh, Grimsby. Oh, Grimsby.

Somebody said that they use Grim as Grimsby interchangeably, like you're doing with Cool and Coolston. Oh, yeah, Grimsby. Grim and Grimsby, yeah. See, that's less kind, isn't it? It is. I wouldn't feel so bad about that if Grimsby was better

it was a long way from Grim goodness me but I mean I think I'm not easy although I think it's got the fish pavement or is that Hull well the producers from that locale she's getting very agitated

what? it's Hull that's Hull. That's Hull, is it, the fish pavement? It ought to be Grimsby, hadn't it? Can you imagine the bidding war for the fish pavement? Hull with City of Culture money coming in and the big I am. I liked her shouting, that's Hull, like Dean Martin singing Matt's Life. Yeah, that's Hull. That's Hull.

That's the home of the fish pavement. If you want to find your way, just follow the sand. Didn't expect to be singing that this morning. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Is there a knocking at my door? Hmm. Metaphorically?

Yes. Okay. 802. Frank, there was a 1980s low-calorie fizzy drink called One Cal. Oh. Google it. Do you remember One Cal?

That was the thing then. It was, what? You could get it down to one calorie. And that was the limit. I think back then people feared the concept of no calorie. What we need is some sort of calorie aficionado. Yeah, exactly. People thought no calorie. You've got to have something to hold on to

you've become untethered if there's no calories at all and then we've had a really make of this what you will Twelfth Night, Nigel Fern says, Frank, thank you for cheering up the nation with a haircut

that makes all other lockdown haircuts seem not quite so bad. Yeah, well, there is that, of course. I hadn't thought of that. Yeah, that you were sort of a yardstick by which others could be judged. Molly and Roger sitting at home, and Roger's saying, you see, it's not that bad.

Yeah, I did. Molly and Roger are the names of people in Britain. I think so Interesting We've also had Phil the Fridge Eggins Egg on! I don't know if he's a wrestler Is he called the Fridge because Eggins? You get egg in the fridge?

Maybe Because that's another debate Do you put eggs in the fridge or Maybe. I think it might. Because that's another debate. Isn't it? Yeah. Do you put eggs in the fridge or not? We don't. We keep ours in a large Le Creuset jog thing

that we've got. Wow, a what? A what jog? Good for you. It's a brand name, isn't it? Le Creuset? Le Creuset. Yeah, they do that

back-breakingly heavy cast iron pan thing. You've seen them, Frank. The orange one is the iconic one. It's a big orange casserole dish. I was hoping

it was one of those big chickens like they used to have in the centre of the table. Was it bread? I'd like one of those. Yes.

Where do you keep your eggs? 8, 12, 15? I'd like to have a... Yeah. I'd like to have... I'm getting a load of IVF people.

That's usually a fridge, I think. I'd like to have... Oh, we're getting a load of IVF people. That's usually a fridge, I think. I'd like to have a chicken in the middle of the table, one of those China chickens, and then if guests lift the lid up, I've scooped out a real chicken and put all their organs inside it, so it's a recreation of a chicken. That would be nice.

That could be one of your nice April Fool's jokes next year. Instead of shouting downstairs, the car's been stolen or the toilet's broken. I can't decide whether to make an April Fool joke or to use it as a visual aid in the biology teaching career, which I could set out on. It would be good, though. Do you want to know what Phil the fridge egg is?

Yeah. Of course I do. Well, he's provided us with content rather than said anything specifically, but oh, what content it is, because he sent us two copies of Cigar Aficionado magazine covers with two cover stars.

Oh. Can I share them with you? How do you want to do this? Give us clues. The actor that plays Lovejoy, that's my first guess. Ian McShane. Yes. Yeah, he looks like he's been standing in smoke.

Yeah. What a brilliant guess, but no. Frank Skinner, would you care to offer? Do we get any clues? They're both male. Oh, yes. Very nice. That's a shame.

One. That's a shame, isn't it? One, I would say you have beef with this person for sort of personal reasons. Is it Daniel Craig? Yes. Oh, lovely friend. Daniel Craig stole my cleaner. I don't know if he stole my cleaner, but she left me for him.

Yeah, he charmed her with his speedos. Maybe outbid you. And I look better in a suit, as I always point out. Hmm. Yeah. We'll still, we'll make a cliffhanger for the set. Can you give us a clue now? And then we can...

Oh, come on, Tom. Stop sticking. Pressure's on. Calm down. Calm down. I would say, think space. Space. Space.

Okay, it can't be. Tim Peake wouldn't, he wouldn't smoke, would he? He might create a bit of an atmosphere. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8-12-15.

Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Can we get Matt Berry to say that and I can just press a button? Probably. Well, you can call the show. I have to say,

I think Matt Berry's stuff on here, the link things, it's the best on radio. You think? That's what I think. We've had a cigar aficionado email in. Oh, yeah. It's a bit of an anecdote.

Hi, Frank. When I worked offshore a few years ago, the medic on board was a true cigar aficionado. He travelled around Europe buying rare cigars and had a room in his house specifically for storing cigars in humidors. I was sat in a pub outside Aberdeen Airport with him one day. What's a humidor? Humidor is where you keep cigars or where one would keep cigars

if one was a passionate cigar aficionado. Okay, is it like one of the, it's just like a wooden box? No, it's a full-sized cigar arena. It's like a chilled cabinet. I think it's like a temperature-controlled holding zone for the cigar. Are there other humidors?

8, 12, 15. Let us know if there are other humidors. That guy, Eggins. Phil the Fridge Eggins? Phil Eggins. He could upgrade to Phil Humidor Eggins from Phil the Fridge. Good point. Yeah.

Might be on a first date. More impressive. our correspondent continues i was sat in a pub outside aberdeen airport with him one day and he got a camera out old school digital and asked me to take his picture while smoking his cigar and drinking his beer apparently he had a large collection of photos of himself posing with different combinations of beer and cigars. He even had a blog of his cigar tasting notes. Now that's an aficionado. That is. That is an aficionado.

I feel like it was worth the journey for that closing sentence. The whole thing was rich, I think. It was, it was, funnily enough. And it's brought us back to that's whole. That's an aficionado. I had to define cigar last Sunday. I was walking with my child and we passed, there's a sort of a shop that sells art

and they had a big Fidel Castro painting in the window, like a sort of modern arty thing. And he said, wow, look at that cigarette. And I said, no, no, no, that's a, I had to explain about that. And I realised as I went into it, I didn't really know the difference.

I knew there was a leaf wrapped around the outside, but, you know, then I was, so as always, when one explains things to kids, you just make it up. Yeah.

Well, did you want to know, I think I'd left you on uh tenterhooks as uh regarding the second cover star yes of cigar aficionado magazine and the clue was space you'd guessed him peak uh we had daniel craig is it mary condor is it um buzz aldrin oh that would have been good i bet he likes a cigar i think so Is it Buzz Aldrin? No. That would have been good. I bet he likes a cigar.

I think so. No, not because he favours a bomber jacket. He'd go on like Tinder. Yeah, so they're very, very, whatever the word is for things. Combustible. That'll do. I like that. Would you like me to put you out of your misery?

Can I have one more guess? Sure. William Shatner. He's done it. He's done it. Hey, good start. I was being too literal. Come on.

But then again, you talk about the bomber jacket quite close to the wig. Yeah. And the corset. What's the corset caught for? You wouldn't be able to get that off very quick. They've got about 25 hooks and eyes in them. I hope he's not listening.

You know last week we mentioned Uri Geller and it turned out he was listening. Oh yeah. What? We got an Instagram message from Uri Geller. We did. Yeah, it was great. No one told me this. It was him holding up his, I thought it was all staff.

It was Uri Geller and he was holding up his thumb and saying it's not my thumbs and then he did quite a funny bit about, some people think it's transistors in my teeth and stuff like that. It makes me like him more.

Oh yeah, definitely. It's a great picture of him holding up the thumb. Although I did, I think he said he's from, he's in Jaffa, was that what he said? Oh, from old Jaffa. Oh, okay. Was he eating a telly's chocolate orange? Is that sort of euphemism?

I thought it was an intimate joke between the two of you. I was excited to hear from Yuri. That was a moment for the show, but as someone pointed out, the thumb did look quite muscular. Very. I mean, he'd foregrounded it, and you put anything right at the front of a picture, it dominates. But it did look

like a thumb that you could maybe, if you could get it tucked where they hitch a caravan to the back, you could probably hold a truck back with it a revving truck frank skinner on absolute radio we've had some answers for i love answers yeah not quite as much if i'm going to be straight with you not quite as much as I love questions. Well, you'll enjoy the song,

There Are More Questions Than Answers. Oh, yeah. Is that Johnny Nash? I don't know. I've got to be careful I don't do the voice. But it's a sort of a... There are more questions than answers. It's a mystery person's round on Question of Sport. I don't know if that's still true,

but when I was a kid it was. In the Emlyn Hughes era. Hi, Frank. Thank you, Horst. The reason why Blur called it Song 2 is because they couldn't think of a title and it's the second track on the album, so they called it Song 2.

And that's from Pete. But just to counterbalance that, 210 has said, Morning, Frank. I think Blur Song 2 is named that in reference to Damon being a big Fugazi fan. They had a song called Song No. 1. Oh, OK. Well, we're none the wiser.

So we have got answers, but we still have questions. You're right. As long as we've got some, because there are more answers. I've got no questions unanswered. I've got it mixed. I've got it wrong. Can I do that again? Okay, Johnny.

I think it was Johnny Nash. Should have been if it wasn't. By the way, I looked you up out this week. Me? Yeah. I don't know why. Interesting. Strange. When I look you up. Love week. Me? Yeah. I don't know why. Interesting. Strange.

When I look you up... Love-sick. You just texted me. I sometimes just go into Wikipedia and I just go for... Oh, God, I dread to think. You know there's a search within Wikipedia. So I'll go... I jump from page to page like knowledge based stepping stones

oh yeah and anyway you're not going to tell me something terrible now are you no it's not terrible oh ok I wouldn't just come on to you and say it's not terrible I thought we had an agreement after my Faitosa experience

when I said so you're a champion trampoline and she went she's furious. I got that from Wikipedia. What a thing to be unhappy about. No, it said Alan Cochran

comma also known as Mossles. Oh yeah. Is that true? It's what people have been saying on this show. That's somebody who's gone on an alter that, that's really post-insane on this show. Somebody's gone on and altered it. That's not me. I mean, I haven't...

Do we call him Muscles? No, but sometimes people are texting insane Muscles. I'll tell you exactly what happened. Someone got in touch. We were discussing possible nicknames or... Oh, yeah. And I think someone got in touch, one of our readers got in touch

and thought this would be a good nickname for Alan. I think we found it amusing. It stuck for about three shows. Oh, I forgot that. Suddenly, it's on Wikipedia. It's terrible how I forget stuff. It's like Samson. Since I've had my hair cut,

I'm all of a diller. I think that's what it says in the Bible about him. Yeah, I'll tell you something as well. I haven't had any calls from any broadcasters about my game show idea, What's in a Pencil? It's cropped up. That is a good question. I think people think it hasn't got legs,

that once someone early on tells you what's in a pencil... It'll be over. Yeah. But, you know, red or black, I think they do. It's a short run series. I mean, the fact that it happened at all, to me was

to me that was a punch in the face to the British public. And you know what I like? Everyone else has moved on, not Frank. To find here, here's a quiz show which shows how little And you know what I like? Everyone else has moved on, not Frank. He's keeping it good. Here's a quiz show which shows how little we think of the British public. The only one question is red or black.

You'll be able to manage that, will you, Molly? Roger? Roger? 376 we were sort of discussing hairstyles and not caring and very close to my heart morning all my husband's uncle

who was a poet always dyed his hair a reddish colour at home, but always missed the back. When asked, he used to say, whoever looks at the back of my head. That is a great... I mean, surely the riposte is people that are behind you, but...

Yeah, people on the bus. If he went on the bus, I mean, the amount of times I've sat looking at the backs of people's... If it turned out he was a minibus driver then that was a terrible decision that he made. I remember a girl on the 120 getting her hair tied onto the seat. Oh. Bullying.

Um. Yeah. Back when bullying was a thing. Back when bullying was not, um, yeah. Sometimes you'd get your hair cut off. This would happen as well. There were roguish scamps. It happened to Des O'Connor's daughter.

Oh, I was going to... A family friend of ours. Des O'Connor. I always thought he favoured a short back and sides, to be honest. I was told this is a cautionary tale, I remember, by my godmother, Lindsay de Paula. She said you've got to be very careful on public transport.

She said, look what happened to Des O'Connor's daughter. Wow. You know, this is quite moving. I think this is our first Des O'Connor's daughter anecdote. I've got an idea that I met one of Des O'Connor's daughters, and she was, I think she was an astrologer. Okay. There we go. And he gave me a sort of

one of those looks like oh, sorry about this. Oh really? Yeah. Oh, he's very down to earth. Apparently he used to get, he used to have to drag Body Holly out of bed in the morning on tour.

Is that right? Body Holly was inclined to oversleep. Really? Yeah. Oh, Body. Body. Oh, Body. You're up to, mate.

What? You're up to, mate? That's what I'd have said if I'd been there. Body. What? That's wrong. He probably talks like that all the time. Frank, can we discuss...

I want to take us back in time to the Spice Girls. OK. Now, I know you were always a Jerry fan. Yes. I think you were Emma Bunton. You were a baby, weren't you? Yeah. Isn't it funny?

I know both of your tastes so well. What about when Alan Shearer was asked for his favourite spice corner? What did he say? He said, I don't answer those sort of questions. I'm a happily married man. Oh. I mean, all right. That's a good Emma, though.

Can I take my answer back and do that, just in case my wife's listening? No. But we're talking in hindsight, exactly. Well, quite. You were Baby, you were Jerry. I mean, I think you can guess who my icon was, in terms of who I most wanted to emulate. I'm guessing it was Victoria.

You got it wrong. Adams, with a double D. That's been forgotten now. You know me so well, Elaine. That was her maiden name. Can you still say maiden name or is that unacceptable? Check the book. I've noticed they do the old N-E-E accent.

Oh, yeah. Oh, nee. Yes. Yes. You see, the maiden name comes from a time when people didn't until they got married so they were maidens obviously

those days they'd gone not saying it's a bad thing not saying it's a good thing that's all but you know the magic of theatre we were talking about the Spice Girls

we'd established Alan was baby Frank was ginger and I was posh in many ways I also, you know, I moved from one to the other in favouritism Did you? Yeah, you know like some days you want to the other in favouritism. Did you? Yeah, you know, like, some days you want Colin Baker, some days you want Billy Hartnell.

No. OK. Literally never happened to me, that thought process. Anyway, the reason I raised the Spice Girls is because... Yeah, tell us what you want, what you really, really want. That is... Someone was going to do it. Yeah. Frank, your move. your move become one now oh i can't think of anything very relevant apart from uh i need your love like i've never needed

love before one oh no let's not finish that Tonight is the night when two become one. That's what I say. Okay. Yeah. That was apparently a song about when Shandy was invented. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's quite a style.

They didn't do many historical narratives, but that one I really like. I love an historical narrative song. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, rah, rah, Rasputin. Oh, I really like. I love an historical narrative song, do you know what I mean? Like, rah, rah, Rasputin or Annie Painted Matched Up Men

What's your favourite historical narrative chart hit? I'll tell you what I like. 8, 12, 15. Whatever Happened to... Oh yeah? Is it Leon Trotsky? Yeah, it covered a few, didn't it? It did. He got an ice pick that made his ears burn.

I think Billy Joel took it slightly too far, though. With his long shopping list of incidents, we can start the fire. Oh, yeah. I'm on about one where you take a particular incident or person from history and do a pop song. There's a Manic Street Preachers song, and I was working as a landscape gardener

for Grace Landscapes a long time ago, Graceland? Grace, pause, landscapes who I don't think are called that anymore and we were driving back and the big bloke who worked for them said to me it's about the Spanish Armada this isn't it

I don't even know what song it was well I only worked out very recently It's about the Spanish Armada, this, isn't it? I don't even know what song it was. Oh. Well, I only worked out very recently, because my son has gone into Zeppelin. Oh, has he? The immigrant songs about the Vikings. Oh. Steadily listen at all, don't I mean it?

Hearing him sing, it all fell into place. Oh, Frank, what about the classic? Vincent, one as beautiful as you. Oh, yes. Come on. Someone's suggesting The Trooper by Iron Maiden. Oh, I don't know. I wonder, who's The Trooper, then? It's not Liza Minnelli. I'm just the messenger.

What if it's about Liza Minnelli and Iron Maiden song? I'm so shirry for your lash. Anyway. Meanwhile, over in the 90s, so Mel C, I was just intrigued by this because it's a very late reveal rather than review, but Mel C has said recently that she was never sporty,

even though she was sporty spice. She said she was terrible at sport. She's a rather salty word, but she said she was terrible at sport. She's a rather salty word. But she said she was terrible at sport, couldn't play it, and she'd never quite worked out why this had become her thing. I mean, I never felt that those nails were legally binding, if I'm going to be honest. I think it's all right.

I think it's because she wore tracksuits and stuff. This was in the days when... So she could equally have been casual clothing spice. Yeah, but do you remember there was a time way back when people who wore sportswear were either on their way to or back from doing sport. Yeah, those days have gone, haven't they? They've not just gone, but now the people who wear sports

have never ever done sport of any kind many of them I got news just in Baby Spice it turns out was an adult

for the whole time oh that's what a hoaxer I'm starting to not believe any of these names. No, exactly. And she had to wear bunches. I tell you what... I know, fancy that. That's tough, isn't it? Oh, Alan did.

Sporty, I'll tell you what I felt sorry for her. I'll tell you why, I apologise. Whenever they'd go to a black tie or a big fancy red carpet event All the others They've got a lovely Dolce

Head to toe, taffeta number And then sporty And she's got the gold track suit Comfiest of the lot of them though Yeah that's true I bet you were 2A Remember you used to say Fancy dress party, always wear.

Don't go there in the astrologer's booth that you have to wear for the whole night. Although it looks great. At midnight, you're thinking, oh, God, I'm sick of this. Yeah, if you go as an orange or something, good luck with that. I went as Hugh Hefner, so I put on a dressing gown. Oh, that's a good idea. A result of Mondo. That's why I've started Halloween,

which sadly we won't be celebrating this year, but I've increasingly gone for that, Frank. Child catcher last year. Top hat, black trousers, good to go. I'm just doing the lo-fi cemetery at midnight thing. Yeah, keeping it real on Halloween. Do you think when the Spice Girls did long-haul flights that all the more sort of glamorous Spice Girls wore tracksuits

and Sporty wore the taffeta designer dress? I hope so. I don't think I've ever seen her in anything what you'd call, you know, fancy. Well, her fancy was sort of, like I say, if she went to an event, it was a bit like when Cliff Richard started wearing sort of hoodies in the 90s. Did he do that? Yes, he went through a period of like a gold bomber jacket with a hoodie. What about when I interviewed him and he wore a T-shirt with a collar and tie design on it.

Love it. So Smart Casual absolutely boiled down to its quintessence. I'd actually like that for a corporate gig. Oh, they don't happen anymore. But when they did, that would have been... What's that thing they do with food when they keep boiling it down and reducing it? It was like that.

It was a reduction of smart casual down to the absolute basics. But I don't remember his hooded top. He went through, he had to go on top of the pops because he sort of rebranded himself a bit in the 90s. And I think suddenly there was all this Manchester leisure wear chic. And to fit in, he just thought,

I'm going to wear a sort of tracksuit top and something but I'm going to make it gold or have some glitter in it Ahead of his time really very chic now that stuff Yeah isn't it? Ahead of his time and behind his time like a spinning clock

Never quite of his time Funny we got that tweet from Yuri Geller last week and a clock in our house which hasn't gone for years still isn't going. I can't tell you how disappointed I was by that.

Anyway, it's a shocker that Sporty Spice is not sporty because she looks sporty as well. I've seen her in Paradise. Have you? That's the Corrie house at the bottom of our row uh i've seen her in there a few times uh she's uh i mean i know i don't i mean there's some terrible people in entertainment she's actually a very nice person uh but i was thinking about celebrity revelate what would you say and let's keep it clean, what was your most shocking celebrity revelation? The thing where you find out

about them and thought, wow. Like, when I found out that Sean Connery wore a toupee in all the Bond films, I remember being astonished by that.

And someone also told me that in Lost in Translation, you think, what a fabulous relationship Bill Murray and Scottie Hanson have got. And apparently in between takes, he never spoke to her at all. Is that right?

That was marvellous. So you think, really? 8.12.15. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio,

email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've had something of a crexione coming in towards me, I think. I think that has been reintroduced. I have it ready. Go on. We'll see if we agree. You can see if it is a Correzione. Do you want me to hit it? I'll hit it first, if you like.

If you want, I don't mind. It's up to you. Correzione, Correzione, ole, ole, ole. It's not our best work. I like it. Morning, Frank and team. The Manic Street Preachers song you refer to

I refer to Oh yes a landscape gardener telling me that a song that they did was about the Spanish Armada I think it is

if you tolerate this then your children will be next but it's about the Spanish Civil War not the Spanish Armada rather different eras Yes

Incidentally that song is also the longest titled song to top the UK charts. Is that right? And it's also the song I played as the walk-on music for Alan Jones when I had him on my show. Of course it is. It's the old Francis Drake, George Orwell mix-up. And now the missive continues.

The Mannix also wrote a historical narrative of the life of Dutch-American abstract artist Willem de Kooning in the song Interiors Off. Can I say, Willem de Kooning, yes, I went Willem, is a fabulous artist and I'm a big fan. Late review. Then you should check out the Manic Street Preachers. Frank, Dan Gleibitz.

Dan who? Dan Gleibitz surely writes on a major American sitcom. It's got that right kind of... It does sound like that. It sounds like someone who's really sort of at the centre of things. Dan Gleibitz has put forward, voice of controversy here, three lines. 1966 World Cup, your move, Frank Skinner.

Oh, I mean, I'd say it's... It's a smorgasbord, isn't it? Just a little bit of that reference. Yeah, OK, I wouldn't... Can we...? I mean, I... What, can we, I mean, I, what sort of thing,

I mean, it's, thanks for remembering. But, I'm thinking of this proper history set to pop music. The,

the suite, do you remember them? Yeah. The suite had a song called Alexander Graham Bell. Yeah. Someone has texted that in.

Oh yeah, and it would go, Alexander Graham Bell, Yeah. Someone has texted that in. Oh, yeah. And it would go, Alexander Graham Bell, well, he knew darn well that he'd find another way to talk across the USA. And then it was, telephone, telephone,

wouldn't leave it alone. And then it ended, many, many years ago he started something with his first hello. Oh, man. That's what I mean. It's like Hamilton, but split down to about three minutes.

Mm. Yeah. But thanks for including three lines in that. I'm not sure it qualifies. No, I would describe it as a narrative tapestry. Uh-huh. Rather than... Uh-huh. OK. I'd call it a football song. describe it as a narrative tapestry rather than 330

this isn't a history in a song but it's good info 330 Frank Grimsby does have a pavement with fish in it it leads to the fishing heritage centre see Rob the former cod head

Warwick I don't think that's his real name I don't know the former codhead. Warwick. Okay. I don't think that's his real name. I think it's... Well, I don't know. The former codhead. I wonder what life was like for Rob when he was the codhead. When he was the codhead. Yeah, we want more info, Rob.

I mean, it's a weird source of nostalgia. Yeah. But I'd love to know a bit of her. Maybe there's a pop song about when Rob was a con head. I'm glad I got that right, though, because I didn't have a memory of Grimm. I have many memories of tour tales. I like Andy W's contribution.

Rasputin by Boney M. Oh, yes. Also favourite dance about a historical person. Rasputin by Boney M. Oh, yes. Also favourite dance about a historical person, Rasputin by Boney M. I keep saying Rasputin, like Boney M do. Then he has favourite stand-up, which is nice, favourite stand-up segment, Jealousy by Frank Skinner. Oh, yeah.

OK. That's a good bit. That's personal history. LAUGHTER Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hey, 864 has texted, if you can distinguish between the big two brands of tuna, you become something of a tunaficionado.

Oh, wow. Oh. I think I probably could. Could you? What are they? John West and the other one. But aren't the two like types of... Princes?

Chonk, chunk, tuna chunks. Brine, that's the only context I ever hear brine used in. I think there might be two actual... What about a jar of hot dogs? Funnily enough, I don't tend to buy those often. We've got ourselves someone really classy here. I like the idea of a jar of hot dogs somewhere being connected to a Thompson submachine gun

and being fired. I can honestly say I've never bought a jar of hot dogs. A tin? You go for more tinned hot dogs, do you? I am. No, I don't. I bought tins of beans with sausage, though. Of course you have.

That's sort of, you know, they're in there. And other things that don't come as the hugest, shocking revelation. Maybe not. Frank wants more beans and sausage. That was in the days when there was a story that, you know, like my mum knew a woman who'd bought baked beans and sausages and only got one sausage in it and wrote to Cross and Blackwell or whoever it was and got like a big crate came full of... Oh, yeah.

Did that ever happen? I don't know, but those stories did happen, didn't they? Like, oh, someone complained about one black crisp and they got sent 50 bags of crisps. And I'm talking about a time when we were all broke. The idea of a crate of crisps turning up was... I once complained about a hamper from Fortnum & Mason. As soon as I said this... Relatable content?

Why am I selling this? There's probably more relatable content than complaining about only one sausage in the use of the plural on the label. I don't want to sell it anymore. Oh, no, go on. Can I just say, in my defence, I didn't, I couldn't,

it was sent to me, OK? Yeah. So I shouldn't have said it straight after the sausage. It's fine, it's fine. Well, anyway, I was sent a fortnight and it wasn't enough.

And so I do feel your pain, Frank, because I complained about this because it was left on the doorstep. And it had something like cheese in it or something. I can't say what it had because it had champagne and things like that in it. So I complained. Some perishable stuff like champagne. Yeah, but guess what?

Go on. It's in a new one. Brilliant. What I really wanted you to say then Was they sent me a crate full of baked beans and sausages Oh that would have been so perfect Well that's good That's a good advert

For Fortnum and Mason's customer service Look it's fine Can't be on here pretending that We are what we ain't. Yes, this is true. That would be very wrong. So I've never had that experience, I don't think, ever of complaining. I'm not the best written complainer.

I like face-to-face conflict. Do you? And you rarely... I remember being in a place in Hales Owen and there was a dead daddy long legs in my salad

and I said, look at that, and the bloke said, I'll hold it and just took it out and went. Different level of customer service.

And the thing is, you've got to be super confident to think that you can take a daddy longlegs out of a moist environment and leave no daddy longlegs behind. I mean, that is a gift to be able to do that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Hey, you've lit up the switchboard with your memories of people telling stories of getting loads of food from food companies for one bag. I'd love to know if it really happened. Well, 816 has a missive that I'd like to bring to your attention. Morning team, my parents complained when a can of Spam had rust inside it. This was in the mid-70s. I think we already knew that. For the low 70s.

If we'd have said this was nearly three weeks ago, I would have been taken aback. This was in the mid-70s. There was a bread shortage along with everything else. They received an invitation to the Spam Factory head office for an apology lunch. There was no bread shortage there. Most of it was in the Spam.

They came home with a case of spam and loads of bread and cakes. What a treat. That's from Julie. That's good. Good anecdote. That is great customer service. Really good. Well, Roger Turner has been in touch. Sorry, I sounded a bit, that's life corresponding.

Well, Roger Turner has been in touch to say, rereates of beans. It didn't always work out that way. My mother complained about a tin of Heinz beans. Am I allowed to mention the brand name? I don't know if I should do that. I do apologise.

Of course, it's fine. Other brands are available. A man in a clerical grey suit turned up, opened his briefcase, removed a small tin of beans and asked her for an opener and two teaspoons to test them. He asked her to confirm that they tasted OK and then left,

leaving her with just the remains of the tin. It wasn't the result she was expecting. You know when people ask what would you do if you weren't a comedian? I want that job. I want to go to people's houses houses open a tin from a briefcase i want to write a film script about it called the remains of the tin well that is that's mean i mean it's almost creepy it's like some it's a bit kafka-esque i think it. I think the problem is for every story, like the ones I've told,

then you get your chances who haven't had a bad experience and they just think, oh, I fancy 25 tins of beans. Funny you should mention that. 912 has texted, not so much a chancer, more I would say a lover of praise. She says, was 13-ish and sent letters off to crisp and sweet companies saying I saved my pocket money for their products and they were the best. Good tactic.

Oh, okay. Got loads of stuff back, including a box of crisps. That's from Lorna in Wem. Okay. Wem? Yeah. Is that what they call Wembley? No, it's a place in Shropshire.

Oh, okay. I think I drove through it recently, actually. Oh, did you go around the reeking? No, I wasn't. Okay. Well, it's a term for going a long, winded way around things, but the reeking is also a high sort of, I don't know what you'd call it,

a super hill. Oh. I love that you look briefly towards me to see if I would be able to help. I thought, God, I need a geographical term. I remember there used to be a whole list of those. There's something like a drumlin. Was there a geographical...

Ring any bells? i've always been an a grossing old fan as you know um speaking of history and songs uh many people have suggested what about the absolutely superb enola gay by omd oh okay i was hoping that wouldn't come up oh yeah well it's about the bombing of uh i know what it's about, but it is a history. It is history. We did ask. No, no, fair enough. Get round. No one yet has mentioned the producer's first choice,

Straight Out Waterloo by Abba. Yeah. Which I know is general history, but it does begin at Waterloo, Napoleon did surrender, which is, you know, the facts. Stop the Cavalry by Jonah Lewis. Jonah Louie. Yes.

I believe that he's actually called, but I don't know if that's specifically related to a historical incident. I think it's a generic soldier at battlefield story. That's how I'm categorising that track. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 079 has got in touch with an interesting story it's Bryony in Wisbeck is it Wisbeck, Wisbeach?

Wisbeck I think anyway I'll take your word, I think it, yeah she says my dad worked for Heinz in the 70s as a chemist. He worked out how to tell if flies had been cooked so he could weed out the complaining chancers claiming flies in their beans.

Ah. Another good job. Yeah. We used to do, I used to have a jingle, I remember, which was called Foreign Bodies in Food, if I remember rightly, and it was about when people found a rat in their beans

and stuff, but I do, I wonder if companies still do that thing, you used to get the thing that if you complain, I complained that my screen wasn't working on an aeroplane.

Oh, yeah? So I had to do a long-haul flight with no movies. And I think, looking back now, I think they sent me some air miles. Oh. But, you know, air miles are rubbish, aren't they? Aren't they? I never use air miles.

Just get forgotten. They reckon that if everybody used them, then all the air companies would go out of business. Well, there's not enough miles in the sky. Yeah, you're right. That's the problem. There'd be no profit because they'd be giving away all the... They'd be tailgating. Yeah.

That can't be safe. Is that safe? No. I don't think so. I call this bit of the show Two Blokes in the Pub. What would you say was the best route to Edinburgh?

I'd say it was your round, mate. In your right side. Okay, that was Two Blokes in the Pub. Do Edinburgh want two and a half hours? That's what people would say. two and a half hours? Pfft. That's what people would say. Two and a half hours? Well, that's with a stop.

There was this curious story which I've been meaning to discuss with you two because let's face it, you're the two people I enjoy discussing curious stories with. Lovely. It was this fella who, that didn't trip out off my tongue very well,

but this chap, let's call him, he married his own mother-in-law. Yeah. No judgement. Oh, yeah, yes, I know. Did you see this? No judgement. No, good, because know. Yes, I know. Did you see this? No judgement. No, because bear with. He divorced his wife.

I think they'd been married for seven years. And they're only sharing their story now, aren't they? This happened some time ago that he married the mother-in-law. Yes. What had happened is that he'd married the wife, and then he'd married the daughter, sorry. Yeah. Didn't work out. Didn't work out he'd married the daughter, sorry. Yeah. Didn't work out.

Didn't work out. Fell for the mother-in-law. Mm-hm, yeah. Now, they have been married some time. They've been married since 2007. How long's that, Alan? You're with maths. Uh, 13 years ago.

OK. Unless I'm mistaken. No, they married in 2007. They've been together for 30 years. I apologise. 13? No, 30 married in 2007. They've been together for 30 years. I apologise. 13? No, 30. It's 2020, isn't it?

Yes, they married in 2007. They got together... Oh, I see. ...before that. The reason they only got married in... I know a lot about this. They only got married in 2007 is because it was against the law

for them to marry before then. Well, you can't marry your own mother-in-law. All right, mate. Yeah. Oh, no. All my plans are dashed. Another example of meddling government overreach. Well...

The horror on your face, Frank, when I told you that. I knew a guy who, he got married and he took his brother to meet the family and the brother ended up marrying the new wife's mother and the guy said that the guy I was talking to who'd got married in the first place his kids call his brother uncle granddad uncle granddad because he's both their uncle and their grandad. I mean, there's a whole intricate web of possibilities there, which people aren't fully exploited with their standard monogamous

marrying a stranger routines. And we all find out we've married a stranger in the end, of course. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Oh, we were just talking about the man who married his 77-year-old

ex-mother-in-law. Yeah. God bless him, I'd say. Yeah, it's a triumph for work Britain, isn't it? I mean, you're saying... You think about it. Why's that? Well, we used to mock mother-in-laws, didn't we? Oh, yeah, that's true. They used to be portrayed as domineering, unpleasant, unattractive. And now, the work people have won. They're objects of desire, the mother-in-laws.

Hold your... This is social progress, isn't it? Hi-ho, Silver. Because they got married in the same church he'd wed her daughter in. That's fair enough. Awkward! Turns out he was just wrecking with the daughter. They just used the old

invites and put a red pen through the name. It was many years later, wasn't it? I mean, the daughter said she felt totally betrayed, but I only felt she was partially betrayed. Oh, come on! Can you imagine if you married Sandy Mason and you got together with her in four years' time?

How would that go down? Well, you're right. Yeah. Yeah. Awkward. And also, it doesn't suggest that he's really completely patrolling the area, looking for the... It is what I like to call the Pac-Man relationship.

It's the next thing that comes around the corner. Chomp, chomp, chomp, and off we go. It is the old classic of celebrities that go out with make-up. It's the classic of who's nearest the make-up woman. She did say Brenda, I believe she's called, she said, well, he does have some bad habits. His nail biting drives

me mad. Now, I can't imagine why he'd be living on the edge driven to biting his nails. I mean, she should be calm enough because I shouldn't think there's much chance of him marrying her mother. Anyway, just a round-, have we had any more outside? Well, we've had some good stuff today. They've been in top form, our readers, I think.

Yes. Hilly, Al, she has said, Hey, Luciani by the Fall. Ah, yes. Who doesn't love a catchy song about the life and death of Pope John Paul I, is that right? Yes, it's based on that sort of conspiracy theory that he was too liberal and so he was bumped off

by senior church officials. Is that right? Well, I'd say it's right. That was the story. It's a good story. If that was their basis, I don't think Francis would have lasted this long. Oh, wow, Julia.

Oh, no, Julia CS, a.k.a. Smudger233. We've forgotten a classic here. Candle in the Wind. Oh, of course, yes. Come on, everyone, wake up. And what was the other one? English Rose thing? The Princess Diana rewrite?

Yes. What was the first line? Something English thing? The Princess Diana rewrite? Yes. What was the first line? Something English Rose. Goodbye England's Rose. Goodbye England's Rose. Okay. There you go. Two historicals for the price of one there from Elton.

Okay. And you know what? Thank you so much for listening today. And there's been some tremendous contributions. I think we'll all agree. You know what? Thank you so much for listening today. And there's been some tremendous contributions. I think we'll all agree. You know what? The good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise. We'll be back again this time next week.

Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.