The Frank Skinner Show - The Best of Frank 2009 - 2011

Episode Date: January 28, 2017

We've put together the very best of Frank Skinner to celebrate his 60th Birthday. Here's the best from 2009 - 2011.

This is Absolute Radio Frank, celebrating Frank Skinner's 60th birthday. I've had a terrible week, I'll be honest. Why? I've had the worst, one of the worst weeks ever. Why? Well, I went away to Brighton with my girlfriend for the week and we argued. Oh, that sounds dreadful. No, it sounds lovely. It was a beautiful setting, the weather was great, you know, the sun-kissed

beaches, the beautiful sea splashing against the pebbles. But we argued for three days, full stop. I mean, we argued and argued. It was like we'd suddenly decided to bring a greatest hits album of our arguments. We had arguments that we haven't had since 2002. And it was like listening to a greatest hits. So you thought, oh, God, I forgot all about this argument. This is a good argument. I haven't listened to it for years.

And isn't it weird that you remember all the words? Absolute Radio Frank. So I've had the most bone-idle, lazy week I've had for many a long... When I was a kid, we used to say occasionally, why don't you come round my house tomorrow and we'll have a doss, right? And having a doss meant we'll do nothing. And we actually made an appointment to do nothing. Come round our house.

We can get to sound so in the morning, but on the afternoon we'll just have a doss. And just meant we sat around and did nothing. That's what I've done all week. I've just had a doss. Absolutely. What have you done? Like watched hellion things? Yeah, I've got a beanbag, a corduroy beanbag. A massive corduroy beanbag I've got.

I'm not bragging. And I lay on that for some of the... I did other things, but mainly I lay on that and watch daytime television and films, football, cricket. Oh, man. Did you find yourself getting very into daytime TV as well? Like agreeing with Lorraine Kelly. I got very into corduroy.

Oh, yeah. It was like when you rub your fingertips together after a very long bath. That's what Cawdroy is like I've discovered.

So you used to arrange to do nothing. Yeah. Because isn't nothing just the default state? Isn't nothing what

you're doing before you do something? Well I'm liking the way this is going. I'm not totally with him but I'm liking the way it's

going. Because there's too much stuff on radio about I see Madonna as a doll. There's too much liking it. I'm liking the way this is going. I'm not totally with him, but I'm liking the way it's going, because there's too much stuff on radio about, I see Madonna as a doll. There's too much like that. I like people about talking about nothing. Actually, they talk about nothing quite a lot on radio, I've come to think of it, but never in this kind of high-blown philosophical way. I'll give you an example

of my nothingness. I watched This Morning, right, and they had the world's tallest man on. It's been everywhere this week. I mean, he's, you know they had the world's tallest man on. He's been everywhere this week. I mean, you know... Oh, he's very ubiquitous. He is, yes. I think he's Hungarian.

But he was on. He's 8 foot 8, apparently, which is just... That's very tall. Oh, it's ridiculous. And they didn't even point out his ridiculousness. But he's a very tall Hungarian man. And they said they had him on, and they did the thing, they made him on and they did their thing.

They made him stand next to a tape measure. He spends his whole life standing next to a measure. He's like someone from The Usual Suspects. Obviously he'd be a very unusual suspect. I think a life of crime's not an option for the world's tallest man. No.

Can you describe him? Yeah, he's about 8 foot 8. I think we've got him. Absolute Radio Frank. Yeah, so we went to the pantomime. I went mainly because Mickey Rooney

was in it. Oh yeah, Mickey Rooney from Pete's Dragon. Was he in Pete's Dragon? He was in Pete's Dragon. I didn't know he was in Pete's Dragon. Frank and I remember

him more from the 1940s when we were young. Exactly, I remember him with Judy Garland in the Andy Hardy films. Yeah. Oh, they're not plugged often enough on Absolute Radio I always think. What, Garland Yeah The Andy Hardy films Yeah Oh they're not plugged

Often enough On Absolute Radio I always think What another show With no Andy Hardy mention That I often say at home Um Yeah so

He's now 89 He is 89 And fair play to him He looks it Yeah Um You see some 89 year olds Don't they look about 87

He certainly looked it When you started shouting Rune it Rune it You've got to encourage him About that Absolute Radio Frank about 87. He certainly looked it when you started shouting ruin it, ruin it. You've got to encourage him at that age. Absolute radio Frank.

Rod Gilbert hasn't gone we couldn't get rid of him. He's gone. I was supposed to leave we said goodbye didn't we? I hate it when you say the big goodbyes

and then people stay. It's embarrassing isn't it? It's like when you've met someone on holiday and you do a big emotional farewell at the airport and then they're at the taxi rank

next to you. I don't want to speak to him now. Oh, you don't know what to... I don't want to speak to them now. I know you said goodbye to me in the last link, but I thought, it's raining out there, and I've got up early for this. After two hours sleep, I'm staying round. Well, you didn't get up that early.

Plus, you've been bombarded with texts and messages asking me to stay. We had one. We did that. We had one. We had one, Ron. Yeah, but it was from somebody important. OK. Yes, you.

Don't think we didn't notice. Now, we should say there is a message. There's a message. We have a whiteboard in the studio where, you won't believe this, but they've written 8, 12, 15, so I don't forget the text number. Right, because I have done before. But underneath it, what does that say, Rod? It says, Boredarod, Croeso, Golden Square, Cariad, Polly.

Yes. Yeah. Obviously, weiad, Polly. Yes. Yeah. Obviously we've switched all the letters round. Have I got to make sense of that? It means, good morning, Rod, welcome to Golden Square, love, Polly. That's nice. Isn't that nice? And I didn't notice that until well, just now. Now I said to these two this morning, wouldn't it be brilliant to do a Rod Gilbert interview where we don't mention Wales at all?

But I don't think it worked, did it? I don't think it quite worked. We've got to get very close, though. Because this isn't the interview, this is the post-interview chat. No, this is the interview annex. Yeah, exactly. This is the appendix to the interview. The appendix? You're fired. That would be good,

wouldn't it, if it was a programme about having your appendix. How do they fire people before they've even employed them? Have you wondered that? That's a very good point. That's a very good point. I'm sure that's against some kind of EU employment. You can't just look at somebody in an interview and go, you're fired, I haven't even got the job yet. Maybe I didn't even want it.

Could you climb redundancy paths? Exactly, yeah. I'll take that holiday pay woman. It's weird, isn't it? The cart's before the horse on that programme. You're not hired. He's not quite as punchy, though, is he? Don't call us, we'll call you. Or he'll suddenly go,

well, we've seen some other people. We'll get in touch with you by next Tuesday. I mean, that would be Robbie's catchphrase. It's not catchy enough, is it? It's not brutal enough or catchy enough. It's not punchy. That's the trouble with it. Absolute Radio Frank. Ross Noble's in the studio. That's the trouble with it. Absolute Radio Frank.

Ross Noble is in the studio. Good morning. Hi. Anyway, so you've got a TV show. I do have a TV show coming out, yes. What's that? What's that like? What's that like?

Good Lord. What happened there? Ant and Dick. Possess your body. You're over it. I'd say it was 70% Ant 3% Deck yeah

it's a version of The Fly you know The Fly with Jeff Goldblum Jeff Goldblum yes your TV show I've got a TV show

yeah it's based on The Fly with Jeff Goldblum it is that's exactly what it is well what a coincidence it's me being swatted by a selection of celebrities

can I come on you know what shows like that people would watch if it was just like by a selection of celebrities. Can I come on? You know what? Shows like that, people would watch. If it was just, like, celebrity swatting. Like, I came up with a show once, right, and it was called Vanessa Felt's Fight a Pig, right? And it was basically just half an hour of Vanessa in a leotard fighting a live pig, right?

And there's no, like, nobody votes, nobody gets voted on or off, there's no sort of,'s no, there's no, like, nobody votes, nobody gets voted on or off, there's no sort of, you know, there's no high concept to it. It's literally just her, not even an audience, just a barn,

just an open, you know, just an open farmyard. No rules. No rules at all. But one of those big pigs, you know, those massive,

you know, those big, like, hog things. Oh, yeah. And it's just Vanessa just punching, you know, pig in the headlock

and the pig's lying on her for a bit and it's just... A pig in a headlock sounds like a meal, doesn't it? It's like towing in a hole. Absolute Radio Frank. It says my list of things about Sarah Millican. She can do a good honking car horn.

Do you want to hear it? Is that what it says? Is that on my CV? That's basically it. It's actually the only thing I can do, yes. It just says that and the fact you're on to plug your tour in October. Okay, are you ready? Okay. That's brilliant. That is good.

Thank you. One more time. My friend bought me a bike horn for no reason whatsoever and I used to squeeze it in. Whenever anybody said something funny around us and I couldn't be bothered to respond, I would just back at them and then I thought, well, this is no good because I'm going to have to carry this with us. So instead I just learned how to squeeze it in. Whenever anybody said something funny around us and I couldn't be bothered to respond, I would just back at them. And then I thought, well, this is no good because I'm going to have to carry this with us.

So instead, I just learned how to do it over months. Just practised in the house on my own. That sounds quite tragic now. Have you ever tried levitation? No. Do you think that's the next step? I think it's the next step. Is that what happened with David Copperfield?

He started off just doing a car horn noise, a bike horn, and then he started levitating. Well, I think what he... You know, I noticed when you did the car horn, no, he's a bike horn, and then he started levitating. Well, I think what he... You know, I noticed when you did the car horn, you actually reached and squeezed it. Yes. Well, I think that David Copperfield's was set a little higher than yours, and as he reached off to squeeze it,

he suddenly noticed he was three feet from the floor. Wow. That must have been a good deal. That could have happened to anyone. So, you're off to Australia soon. Yes, in the middle of March. Have you done for the Melbourne Festival? Yes. So you're off to Australia soon? Yes, in the middle of March. Have you done for the Melbourne Festival? Yes.

Are you a fan of Australia? Yes, I went there last year and did the festival for the first time and it went really well. I was a bit annoyed that I couldn't cuddle a koala. I'd been told that this was almost obligatory when you get a step into the country. But in the state of Victoria, it's not allowed. You're allowed to look at them, but you're not allowed to cuddle them.

So I'm going to have to go out of the state because I just really want to cuddle a koala. Well, I have to say, when I was there, they told me this. And we went to this place where there was koalas. And I said to the guy, look, you know, I'd really love to cuddle a koala. And he said, oh, well, you know, the thing is, mate, they've all got chlamydia.

Oh, God! And I said, that's lucky, so have I. So we've got nothing to lose. And I got to hold, and I've got the picture. I'm wearing an England football shirt, and the black claws of the koala are just hooked on the slightly raised bat. It's just getting a bit of purchase on the England bat. It's great.

Was it nice and furry? It was actually a bit coarse. Yeah, they're supposed to smell quite bad as well, but I don't mind. I have a boyfriend. It's fine. Well, they smell of eucalyptus because they eat... Oh, well, it sort of keeps your sinuses clear.

Exactly. It's a bit like hogging an old age pensioner who's been on the halls of mentholipters lozenges. Absolute Radio Frank. I was in a cafe with a bloke, and he called the white house it's an italian place and he said can we have a due a cappuccini i mean shut your face i didn't want it after that i could have threw it at him and he right into his i don't like it

people get words wrong though my mum does a lot of these my mum says halloumi cheese she calls it halimi okay it's not that bad no why don't you just leave her alone i mean she's 98 not as bad as that bloke she speaks to a machine i mean give her a chance could be a fault in that but look at that at that. Look at that keyboard. She doesn't talk through a machine. That's just her voice. Oh, OK. Sorry. I don't know where I got that from. I just imagined she might talk through a machine.

Doesn't make her a bad person. If she did, is there anyone listening who talks through a machine? Respect to you. She uses a telephone sometimes. Well, there you go, then. Don't call me a liar and then back me off in the same breath. Well, maybe not the same breath, but, well, you know what I mean. My dad used to talk about the writer Somerset Matham instead of Somerset Maugham.

And he also used to say, um, etiquette instead of etiquette. Yes, you could do with learning a bit of etiquette, he used to say to me. We used to laugh, we used to sit at home, sawdust on the floor, two or three bull terriers slumbering at the fireside. And the whip it, Shep. Yeah, the whip it was called Cal. Oh, that was Cal, sorry. Shep was a Staffordshire bull terrier.

Oh, excuse me. I don't want to go through my entire dog list on here. I ate a dog list on morning radio. Absolute radio, Frank. So if you're doing a tour with 97 shows... I said this last time and I'll say it again, you're the only person in Britain who has two syllables for tour. Yeah.

Anyway. Now you're on tour. You're on tour, yeah. Oh, that's a good impression, Lee. I like that. I spent a lot of time with Frank. So, were you not tempted to add the other three and make it around 100? Because that would have been a good publicity thing, wouldn't it?

100? Lee Max 100. I hadn't even thought of that. But now, I am so annoyed at myself for not doing that now. You could add three gigs. Yeah, but it's not the same now, is it? All the publicity's gone out. I've spent a fortune on advertising.

Well, you can always come back on and say, guess what? I'm doing three other gigs. Do you know, Mike, I'm so addled with my... I'm so obsessed with darts. If anyone ever says a number now, I always think of it as a checkout. Like, when you said 100, then I immediately thought treble 20 tops. And when you said 97, in my head, I was thinking treble 19 tops. So as long as it's a finish, I don't mind.

Well, that's because you have the most working-class pedigree of any comic that's ever lived. Can I just read this out from the... It's the most backhanded compliment I've ever had in my life. Listen to this. As a kid lived above a pub in Blackburn. After leaving school, he worked in a bingo hall. Yeah.

And as a stable boy, and then became a blue coat at Pontins. Yeah, you forgot. You haven't mentioned the clock factory. Have you arrived in a time machine from the... You should have been doing musicals. I've had an old school up-bricketing to showbiz, haven't I? You certainly have. Yeah, Pontings, bit of Pontings, bit of bingo calling. So living above the... Is that where the darts thing came in, living above the pot? Darts and pool. I used to stand on a stool. I wanted to be a professional darts player.

I spent a year once on the dole playing darts 10 hours a day 10 hours i was obsessed you know you've often told your stories and stuff about your drinking yes about is your obsession yeah we'll replace that with darts that was my thing well darts is better for you i think yeah fine well yeah the two are going to go quite handy yeah i got really good. I really did. I was practicing all day. Then I joined a pub team and I went to pieces. I couldn't play in public. And I came to the conclusion that every time I would throw in my bedroom, I'd get on the bed, walk across, take the darts out of the

board, walk off the bed. So I was spending all day on the bed, off the bed. So I couldn't play without the bed in front of me. So I thought, if I could take the bed to the pub and just put it in front of the dartboard and replicate the home situation. But apparently that's not in the rules. No, you can't. You can't replicate.

I mean, I think you'll find you get nothing in this game for two in a row. Absolute Radio Frank. And relax. I've had my hair cut. You know, I'm quite pleased with it. Yeah, I like it. I actually went in and the woman said, what would you like?

And I said, I'm thinking early Morrissey. And she was quite young, Australian. I thought, she won't know who Morrissey is. And she said, yeah, that's the look at the moment. And I thought, well, I'm liking the sound of it being the look. So that's what I've gone for. I like it, Frank. It looks quite military.

Yes, well, short back and sides always does. There's an element of poor house about it. But I'll tell you what I like. I said, because I've learnt now what I need, and I say clippers on three all the way around. What does that mean, really short? That's the setting. Oh, OK.

It means it looks like this. Oh, OK. And she started really going at it. And it's a great thing when the hair is dropping off you with the clippers. It's a very... Tell me about it. Yeah, you can see why sheep have that contented smile on their faces. Because it's lovely to feel it all.

Just to feel all the hair coming off. And I said, it's great, isn't it, with the clippers to just go at it. She said, yeah. She said, I'd love to do this to my dad, but I don't think he'd let me. And I thought... Oh. Just a minute. What do you mean? I'd love to do this to my dad but i don't think he'd let me and i thought oh just a minute do you mean i'll do this to my dad like i'm obviously i'm somebody's dad he was thinking oh he's still trying to relive his

youth and i'm sitting there in the chair abused i felt how old was this creature oh she was probably i'd probably say early 20s oh how very dear very dear is she? Oh, I wish I could do this to more dead, she said. Yeah, the clippers were a bit, they sounded a bit like that. But they were listening in there, they were listening to Absolute 80s, which in case you don't know, Absolute, they have a whole string of other channels behind our backs going on, with no DJs as well, almost as if they're moving towards that as an ideal. Anyway, absolute 80s

as you might guess, is for people in their 80s. There's a lot of Lonnie Donnie going on there. It's my favourite. Yeah, and a lot of stuff about the war. They keep replaying the abdication speech, don't they? There was some quite disparaging stuff about Hitler

I thought was unnecessary. And the jingle is the sound of a doodle bog, which apparently sends the poor listeners into paroxysms of fear. Anyway, they had absolute 80s. Now, there is a song, there is probably one song I can think of that whenever

it's played, I have to dance. And I mean I have to dance. And it mean I have to dance. And it came on in the shop and I thought, oh no. This was before I got into the chair. It's that one, Don't leave me this way. Oh, Bonski beat. I can't survive.

If I've gone slightly off mic, it's because I'm dancing. Oh my god. And I don't sing along with it because, but I do have to dance, right? And I can't dance in here. It was early in the morning. The other people in there that look sullen.

And I did that dancing sitting down that you do. You know when you're at a club? Oh, shuffling in your seats. Yeah. My feet were moving all over the place, but I was still seated. I found it made me, if anything, more agile that I was sitting. Because I did things with my feet I couldn't have done if I was standing. Unless I was wearing one of them jetpacks like Roger Moore.

I think we'll have some adverts. And then I'll tell you what happened to me when I bought a watch. You won't believe it! Absolute Radio Frank. So we had a bit of a works out in this week, I think it's fair to say. Oh, I loved it. We went to the Union Chapel in the north of London to see E. John. As I always call him.

Eltonia. Elton, yeah. Elton John. I always think he must get letters to Mr. E. John. I don't know why, but I like that idea. Maybe they're just Dear John. Yeah, Dear John letters he gets. That's what he gets. A bit formal, isn't it? Perhaps from someone who

was in the year above him at the school. Because he wasn't called that then. He was called Reg Dwight. That's his real name. Yeah. Yes. It was with E. John, wasn't it? I always think that about Candle in the Wind. If Marilyn Monroe had been alive, wouldn't she have thought, why do you have to use my old name, use my proper name?

If I wrote a tribute to him, singing, oh, Reg Dwight, you may lack things in height, but not in talent. You know, he'd say, well, use that name. I don't think that's a problem they'd have with that. No, really. The worst, I think, I mean, he was brilliant. We should establish.

He was amazing. He was amazing. It was just him and a piano and no band or anything. What I like, Frank, is that you and I were so shocked at how he could sing so well. We both went, his voice is great. He plays the piano really well. It took me 40 years to work out that Elton John can sing and play the piano.

Could you believe that? And I'll tell you something else. You know, he's 60. You're a good head of air. Hi. You look lustrous. I mean, lustrous. Absolute Radio Frank.

I went to the doctor this week and it turns out I've got ringworm. Oh. Now, I know what you're thinking. Oh. But it's not a worm. Is it contagious? it's not a worm is it contagious it's not contained well actually it could be because he said to me i said look i've got this thing on my arm um it's um i won't show it you know i'm not taking off my oh okay don't show it to me ever oh i thought people i like to see a scab of any kind anyway um it he said to me earlier, he said, have you got a horse?

I said, well... He didn't. He did. That was his first question to me, have you got a horse? I thought maybe, you know, I thought, is it a tube stripe? He's looking for a lift. Did he think you were Prince Charles? Yeah, exactly. I hope not. Well, I've heard about ring

well i think wrestlers get it it's very common amongst wrestlers wrestlers yeah honestly there's a lot of skin on skin contact and abrasions it looks like a small red rosette on my arm which is why i think he might have been asking about the horse oh maybe he thought i'd turned up you know i was something of a brag art and i turned up with a couple of trophies i'd wanted to teresa and jim carna absolute radio frank i have a girlfriend as you may know she's called kath people who listen will know that i mentioned a case kath has a habit of um saying things not quite correctly yeah so she's unfamiliar with this yes she says like you know old adages and proverbs.

But she once said to me, you know what they say, Jack would eat no Sprat. And this week she was on about something she'd been to. She said, oh, it was like pulling blood. Which, if you think, would be incredibly difficult, unless, you know, unless it was in canisters of some kind. But my favourite, she was talking about someone she'd spoken to. She said, so I said to him, you know,

and she'd confronted someone about something. She said, you should have seen him. It was like a fish in headlights. And she's not joking. I said, well, that's what I don't understand about it. I'm just trying to explain, you to explain the nature of our love. And also, I walked into work with her this week, and she looked proper cold.

She always wears a scarf. She wasn't wearing a scarf. It was a freezing cold morning. I said, why aren't you wearing a scarf? Have you lost it? She said, no, I've got these spots on my neck. I'm trying to freeze them out. That's not medically

possible, is it? Unless it's like Veruca's. You freeze them with liquid nitrogen, don't you? Can you get Veruca's on your neck? Oh, this is a nice Valentine's topic. Also, it wasn't so cold as liquid nitrogen

cold. I mean, imagine the walk to work to liquid nitrogen. It'd be like the beginning of a Uriah Heep gig. Absolute Radio Frank. Don't mix April Fool's pranks with PMT. Oh, dear. It's a very, very dangerous cocktail, right? And what happened was, when I got up on whatever morning it was,

was it Thursday morning, April Fool's Day? Yeah. But anyway, I got up. I told my girlfriend that I'd been offered a series on Channel 4 with Doc Kwan. That is quite a good April Fool. In which I suppose a lot of you listening tried the same thing, your girlfriends.

And I said it was called Would You Wear That? Did you really say this? Honestly, yeah. And I said it was a programme in which I went out into the streets of Britain with Gok Kwan and I wore a series of elaborate avant-garde outfits. And I said I'd been offered

40 episodes. 40? I thought that'll swing it, surely. Well, when I told her at first I'd been off for an episode with Gotquan, she said, oh, he's quite, you know, he's quite in at the moment, Gotquan. I thought, oh, this isn't going at all. Well,

then she went into the other room, and of course, with the PMT, she then came out saying, I can't believe that! It's going to be so humiliating! And he completely flipped. And she got so angry and aggressive about the fact that I was... Because I was saying, I think it's a really good... I'm going to say yes, I better tell you. My manager's all for it.

I love the idea of you in, like, some Harlequins outfit. Exactly, yeah, in Oldham. In a shopping centre in Oldham. And him saying, you know, Oh, go down there, Frank. And I say, hold on, are you standing on my pantaloons? So, anyway, she got so angry

about the fact that I was doing Would You Wear That We Got Quar. You think it's a real programme now? I was frightened to tell her it was a joke. So I left her. Did you ring Channel 4 and say you're going to have to commission it? Well, she actually mentioned to someone at Channel 4 that I was doing it.

And they said, really? I hadn't heard about that. She found her mother and said, apparently she said, I think I might have to split up with Frank. He's going to absolutely humiliate us. We left home together. We walked into work together and she suddenly said, I think I've left the iron on and went in the opposite direction.

Absolute radio, Frank. I'm not making this up. Hacked by a squirrel. Yes, that's it. You've summed up the complete event in exactly the same words that I did. She was walking through St James' Park in central London with a friend, Carmen, and this squirrel encircled her leg on the way you know they'd run round the tree trunk went round not my girlfriend's legs or anything like a tree trunk

can I mention that there was once that tawny owl that used to live in her behind anyway so he encircled her leg going up and then he sort of hung from one of her buttocks by his claws. Really? Yeah, she got proper scratches on her legs. It was, yeah. Are you sure these are from a squirrel, Frank? Did you believe this story? Oh God, I hadn't thought of that. You think she could be seeing some sort of, I'm going to say the word dwarf on the side. Is that what you're suggesting're suggesting oh no i hadn't thought of that so you've got to be so careful now i'm about to hire some sort of private detective and and all that maybe i could get a weasel in a in one of those like trench coat no she had to she

was supposed to go for a tetanus but her theory was that its claws would have been clean because it's snowing so they would would have somehow been sterilised. Oh, she's worked it all out. Absolute Radio Frank. I'd already had an argument with my girlfriend just before New Year because she wouldn't hula hoop. My girlfriend's sister hula hoops. You're so demanding.

What do you mean with an actual hula hoop? What do you think with? I thought it might have been a quiz-based thing. I was in a hula hoop with a burning Triumph Toledo. So why did you want her to hula hoop what do you think with no i was in a hula hoop with a burning triumph toledo so why did you want her to hula hoop because i have this thing i see new year's fetish thing when it actually becomes new year i see it as a bit like st swithin's day you know if it rains on st swithin's day it rains for 40 days and 40 nights apparently well i always think if if new year isn't perfect if that moment of midnightness isn't

absolutely perfect, it'll be a terrible year and we're trying a bit with you on that. So, my girlfriend's sister hula hooped and we videoed her, you know, she's quite good at it. And then I hula hooped. That sounds a bit creepy. Why did you video her hula hooping? It's weird. So we could celebrate

that we'd gone into the new year in high spirits. Watching a lady hula hooping. She's not a lady, she's my girlfriend's sister, it's weird. So we could celebrate that we'd gone into the new year in high spirits. Watching a lady hula hooping. It's not a lady, she's my girlfriend's sister, for goodness sake. So, and then I hula hooped, and I must say, I hadn't hula hooped that well over the holiday up until that point, but once the video went on, I hula hooped like there was no tomorrow. That's all I needed was a bit of incentive. But then I said to Kath, come on, we're all hula hooping,

what fun we're having, come on, great. She said, oh, no, I feel a bit sick. And I said, well, that's typical of you, isn't it? Hey, I said to hula hoop, I feel a bit sick. I feel a bit sick. Why didn't you just hula hoop? And that didn't go that well either. Absolute radio frank.

Did I ever tell you that, Judy Dench, I was once having my photo taken outside the Ivy, which is quite a sort of posh restaurant in London. If you're going to get it done anywhere, do it yeah well it was you know it was uh it was a press thing it wasn't just a friend doing my photo a car pulled up and dame judy dench got out and as she went past i heard her say i thought this place was for celebrities she didn't she zinged you you She zinged you. You got zinged by then, Julie. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, she's got that look. I didn't know she had it in her.

Oh, yeah, she's got that look about her. Don't you think? Oh, she's turned. Oh, wow. She's a woman very at home with a grimace. Yeah. I hope you fired something back like that. No, I was taken aback.

To be cut down by Julie Dench. I mean, for goodness sake. She trampled you underfoot by the sounds ofch. I mean, for goodness sake. She trampled you underfoot by the sounds of it. Yeah, but she looks like that. I mean, in the Bond film, she looks... I'll tell you what she looks like. The director says, OK, Dame Judi, we're just getting ready for this take now.

And she'll say, OK. And she'll go, Karen. And a personal assistant will come over with a silver tray with a shot glass full of malt vinegar. She just knocks that back and then her face is in there. James, you're not making this any easier. That horrible pinched, pinched face of hers. Pinched.

Anyway, it's not her. It's not her. Well, I'm glad to hear it after her appalling behaviour. You could have got her back, though, couldn't you? So, Susie Dent... In a way, I just did. She's a well-known... She's a lexicographer.

She is. I've heard that. No, she's married with two kids. Absolute Radio, Frank. I wore short trousers until I was 11. Right. Well, actually, come to think of it, mainly as a kid, I wore a cowboy outfit for, I'd say, the first six or seven years of my life.

I mean, you know, I couldn't... I didn't know you were quite that old. Yeah. I was in Arizona in the 1860s. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We used to see Wild Bill on his way to work in the morning.

Regular as clockwork. Did you genuinely... Would you just put that on as your clothes every day? Yeah, that was my clothes. Did an adult stop you? No, I think it was just accepted then. You know, I didn't have that many clothes. It would stop me wearing out the other things.

So I had a cowboy outfit until I was like nine. And then, as I've mentioned on this show before, my mum made me a Batman outfit. Oh, don't. I can't bear the poignancy of that. Is that the Wellies one? Yeah, that's right. Oh, we had

Wellies. So I essentially... Jeans. Yeah, swimming trunks over jeans. Oh, I can't bear it. And a grey jumper. But I essentially wore a fancy dress until I was 11. Absolute Radio Frank. I think I was quite a lonely

child, looking back. I used to get, like, a couple of cowboys. I always used to go over the sink for some reason. I felt the sink was partially my area. Right. Yeah. I was a serial vomiter as a child. And you don't want that around soft furnishings.

A lot of children play in their bedroom. You opted for the sink. He played in the sink. I couldn'ts. A lot of children play in their bedroom. You opted for this. He played in the sink. I couldn't play in it. It was bitterly cold in my bedroom. We used to get ice on the inside of our windows in the bedroom. I'm not... And you had our Keith sleeping off a hangover often.

Well, yeah. And our Terry. And our Terry. There was a time they were both heavy drinkers and the three of us was in the same room. I couldn't lift that bucket. Anyway. So let't lift that bucket. Anyway. So let's cut to you in the scullery with the soldiers.

Yeah, so I'd have the cowboy. I might have three or four cowboys standing around in a circle and then we'd just have long conversations. No action at all. With me saying things like, I mean, very what I thought was like general cowboy parlance. Like, I walked into Cactus. Yes, they're a hazard.

I doubt that there's any doubt about that. For hours, like that. Sort of cowboy coffee morning. Yeah, exactly. You going to ride out to Tombstone later on? I don't know i mean you know it's been very dry the weather of late and i find that there's a lot of dust coming up off the trail really it gets on my chest i don't know about you it was like that and also there was for hours

oh and also i have to confess to this there was little or no integration. Oh. My Red Indian soldiers, they'd have their own separate sessions where they talked about, in a similar mundane fashion, in a black country accent, about things like, ah, the central strut on my teepee. Does it look very safe? They didn't do much fighting then. No, no. I don't remember them ever fighting, actually.

I think they were too deeply ensconced in general chit-chat. Segregation and coffee morning. It sounds like you were a sort of scriptwriter in waiting, because that would build the tension, wouldn't it? That's almost like modern films, isn't it? It was like an art house. There must be a fight coming soon, because, look, they're discussing the banal.

I could happily now sit and play with Thai cowboys and Indians for a couple of hours on my own. Well, that was evident. Yeah, and who's to say that I don't? Absolute Radio Frank. Did I ever tell you about the worst name dropping I ever had in my life? No, what was it? I was having, I was going to have, due to have singing lessons, can you believe this?

Yeah It was a gift and not my voice No, certainly not your voice And I was being taught by a woman called Tona DeBrett, you can imagine Because she's so much obliged, I bet she did I bet she was married, she was very, do come in, how lovely to see you And she was like that. And someone says, she's a lovely woman, Tana, but she's the

biggest name dropper you will ever meet in your life. And I got to the house, I knocked on the door, and there was a bit of a struggle to open the door, and she said, oh, I'm terribly sorry, this door's never been the same since Benny Hill used it for a sketch. I thought, I haven't got in yet, let me get in. Before you start name

dropping. Absolute radio Frank. Tremendous news this morning, I'm wearing got in yet. Let me get in before you start name dropping. Absolute Radio Frank. Tremendous news this morning. I'm wearing a singlet. Yeah? Yeah, I don't ever wear a singlet. Someone gave me one. I'm going to show you. Oh, I'm bummed, why don't you? Yeah, I wore a cherub vest when I was about four, but I don't think I've worn one since then. Why have you gone for the singlet? Well, I can't tell you.

Something happened to me yesterday which left me a little sore. Me too. Me too, but anyway, on with the story. Let's not go into that. It's because you are a singlet. Singlet would be quite a nice name for someone who hasn't got a partner, wouldn't it? It's done already. I love it. Isn't that sweet?

It's very good. Okay, marvellous. Or unless, if Natalie Portman became signet, well, of course she'd be a signet. Oh. God, I'm absolutely on fire this morning. Can you smell that? Oh, no, it's the control desk.

Absolute Radio Frank. I've had terrible news this morning. Poirot has been pulled. Oh, no. Poirot's been pulled. I'm going to write a sort of Bob Dylan. Poirot's been pulled. Oh, no. Puerro's been pulled. I'm going to write a sort of Bob Dylan. Puerro's been pulled.

Broken my heart. Puerro's been pulled. I'm falling apart. I'm Mrs. Mustache and his accent's so fine. Puerro's been pulled and I'm losing my mind. Can you believe I just made that up? You can. Many people can.

If it was a different kind of show, I'd want to give you a round of applause. It was so good. I'm glad for that. It just fell off me like windfall fruit falling from a tree. And some of it was a bit brown and squidgy, I think you'll have noticed. Now, I knew the lady, well, I still know the lady who did make-up for David Suchet.

Oh. How long does it take to put a false moustache on? Well, I think there was other stuff, but that was the main. She used to have to, that had like a special travelling case, like a flight case for Poirot's moustache. And she'd try it on him, you know, in his various... Try a few on him, I think. I think there was a few of them. Like Skippy. I think there was 12 Skippys. They used to travel in knotted sacks in the backs of vans.

Cruel in those. You couldn't get away with it nowadays. They have to have two keepers for Burroughs Mustache. But anyway, you had to try a few on him, and it was a sort of sushi and sea approach. And at the end of the last run, he gave her an enormous moustache. Like about four foot across. Horrible present. No, but it was made out of card, and he'd signed it and all that.

Thank you for looking after my moustache. Very self-referential, isn't it? I think it's a beautiful story. Absolute radio frank. An idiotic eureka moment something we've had on the shelf for ages it's when you suddenly realize after ages you suddenly get a joke or a pun or some sort of the example the bt adverts a woman called bt used to advertise bt. It took me over a year to get that reference. I realised last year that The Good Life was a pun on Barbara and Tom Good's name.

I didn't know that. In fact, I had one this week. How was it? If you walk down Bloomsbury in London, you know London. Yeah. I like the Samuel Pepys beginning. Yeah, there's a left-wing bookshop, and it's called Bookmarks,

and it only just struck me for the first time this week. Oh! Marks. Yes! But it's M-A-R-K-S. Oh, they're not worried about minor details like that. Yeah, but that's the first time. And it's the first time it's ever struck me, that bookmarks.

Are you with me, Alan? You're looking confused. I am, but I just wonder why they didn't go with the X. No, exactly. Well, the left-wing garage down the road is called Skidmarks. With an X. I got that immediately. Yeah, they slipped up there. No, go on. Oh, then there's the left-wing supplier. Oh, they slipped up there. Now, go on. Then there's the

left wing supplier of duvet cover sheets and pillowcases. Bed linen. Oh, that's good, Frank. Someone will open that shop. 895, Russian Walking and Winter Sports, trotskis.

Trotskis? Yes. Trots, I suppose. Yeah. Oh, that's a good one that's just arrived. Communist temping agency, office angles. That's good. Frank, 964, Cuban left-wing petroleum company, Castro Loyal.

This is our best phone-in ever. There aren't enough left-wing retail outlet phone-ins on commercial radio. Absolute Radio Frank. Alan and I are feeling like you need to get something off your chest this morning. Yeah, have you got any Vic Vapor on? No, I've been watching intermittently this week,

and that's not the name of a new Keira Knightley emotional movie. I've been watching Red or Black. Oh, yeah. I don't know if you're aware of Red or Black. We have actually talked about it on the show before, when the original idea was mooted. We talked about what it would be like, but I don't think any of us for one moment thought it would

be the glimpse through the gates of hell that the programme has turned out to be. I think it's quite significant the colours red and black are the colours of the devil. And indeed Nazi Germany. Not a fan then. I tell you what Simon Cowell has done, he's looked at

the success of The X Factor and Britain's Got Talent and he's thought, do we need the talent part of this? Can't we just have, like, 50-50 guessing? He probably thought, think of the popularity. What's a really popular game? What about Heads or Tails? Perhaps we could get a theme on that. I'm starting to think that it's made me feel very differently about Ant and Dick.

To me, no, they represent pure evil. We're going to need a J-cloth, because someone's just spat tea across the studio. You know, those early flickerings of, you know, the occasional strange viewer phoning and, you know, money going. I thought that was just, it was nothing. I'm now starting to think that Ant could be short for Antichrist. And Dec may be December, you know, the end of days, the dark times.

I honestly think that this is a filthy, vile virus at the centre of British society that will bring us all down. I think Ant and Dec should be hung up like Mussolini and Claretta Petucci. Well, we're out of the blocks this morning, aren't we? You know, I could be wrong. Absolute Radio Frank. As you know, I've always been slightly affronted that I wasn't hacked. Were you not hacked?

No, I took it as an almighty slap in the face. And I've never felt that more keenly than this week when Anne Diamond stepped into the dock. And I thought, well, they couldn't be bothered to hack my phone, but they were queuing up to find out the general tittle-tattle of Anne Diamond. Oh, no. I thought, how long has this phone hacking been going on? It's been going on since before there were mobile phones, is all I can...

Absolute radio Frank. So, look, I'm sorry. I know I'm supposed to be the cynical comedian type about the royal wedding. I was working when the royal wedding was on. I got home, my girlfriend had taped the ceremony, and then we had a row about the fact that she hadn't taped the balcony kiss. That's how I am about the royal wedding. That's the best bit.

Yeah, I had a car waiting for me. I had to wait till four o'clock news on Sky and see the balcony kiss before I went. Oh, you've got to see the kiss. Oh, God, both. Both kisses. The first one, I felt it was one of those slightly dry lip kisses and they said, let's do that again.

I was a bit dry lipped. They did. Well, Andrew Neil complained about it. He said exactly that. He said, that wasn't long enough. They'll have to do that again. Horrible old uncle. Oh, the idea of Andrew Neil isal is that i'm gonna go over there to andrew neal our kissing expert horrible thought what were your highlights well first of all i think she's a complete babe kate can i say that and i like i mean she's a strong independent modern 21st century woman i mean look at that thing when he turned up when she was doing that, when she was coxing the rowing team for the charity rowing race and he turned up after the split

and she jumped out the boat and swam right across. That didn't really happen, Frank. It happened in William and Kate the movie and I'm taking that, I'm seeing that as a kind of a documentary. That's one of the best Sunday afternoons I've ever spent. I was completely not bothered about the royal wedding. I watched William and Kate, the movie, and I thought,

now these are my people. I know these people now, they're in my life. And also, Prince William, he had spurs on in Westminster Abbey. Yes, I noticed that. Proper spinning... I imagine him at the party, a bit drunk, half eleven at night, slicing pizza with his heels. Absolute Radio Frank.

Yeah, anyway, so I spent the whole evening watching Andy Murray. Oh, I watched some of that. Well, the whole nation, BBC One virtually closed down for Andy Murray. And every now and again, Sue Barker would come in and explain that if you'd just tuned in for a certain programme, it wasn't happening. It's like 1983. Sue Barker. I'm glad she still gets the work, Frank. I love Sue Barker. There's a bit where she said, if you've tuned in expecting to see EastEnders, maybe you should re-evaluate your life. It's Friday night. You've tuned in especially.

I mean, OK, if it's on, you can hear people saying, Sue, leave it. No, no, no, I know what I'm doing. OK, if it's on, fair enough, watch it. But to tune in specifically, and then to be crestfallen because we're watching a major sporting event. I mean, come on, you people.

Sue, leave it. Will you get off my shoulder? But none like that for ages. But I tell you what, I watched that game, and I'm no expert, but I watched that game, I was on my own, it gave me a little bit of scope to concentrate and to do a bit of analysis. And I am not certain, but I would say I'm 99% sure now

that Andy Murray's mum and his girlfriend do not get on. Oh, I love this. No, I was watching them in the box. Don't you love a shot of the box? I love that. I felt there was an iron curtain between old Ma Murray, as I believe she's called

on the circuit, and the beautiful model. You know that Murray is one contribution really if she's called on the circuit, and the beautiful model. But there was a bit, you know, that Morrie, his one contribution, really, to popular culture is to do a little punch with his right hand and go, come on! That's all he ever, that's it. I mean, if I was going to do that, you know, gee myself up a lot, I'd come up with some alternatives.

You could spin him around a bit, you know. Occasionally go oh yes! Or ha ha! You know. And then people, yeah, then people think oh which one's it going to be this time? I see the fist going but which one, you know, on the wheel of remarks spinning in his head

where will it stop? It'd be like a fabulous exclamation roulette. But it's always come up and there was a bit when they shot the mum, and the mum obviously feeling, you know, who wants to sit next to a model in the box anyway? Especially not in that pink blazer. Especially not one who's taken her son away from her.

After all, she's given her entire life. She carried him for nine months. And ever since, has always been putting him as a priority in her life. And now some strumpet turns up and takes him away from her, turning him against her behind her back. And the model does a little punch and goes, come on, like that, Maurice style. And the mother looked absolute, that is our thing!

That's our family thing! You come here and you do the little punch and say, come on, who the hell do you... Oh, it was a tense moment. Absolute Radio Frank. WFW has been in the news. Who's that, Frank? Oh, that's the world's fattest woman.

I thought that was the clerk guy. Yes, but this is quite a happy story. Is she in any way tied in with BFM? Who's a regular character i sincerely hope not britain's fastest man we should do yeah no but he no longer alex he should have his own radio station just call bfm for britain's fattiest man he'd be all right as well as you could just wheel him from microphone to microphone carry Carry on. Pauline Potter weighs... That's the right name for the world's fattest woman, isn't it?

Pauline Potter. It just sounds right. She can't even potter. She can't get out of bed anymore. Can't potter about? Oh, yeah, that's good. Well, apparently her relationship's back on track. Her ex-husband says he can't resist her now.

He says she's dynamite in bed. Well, I don't know if she's dynamite. More like napalm. He said, I'm desperate to be her lover and caretaker again. Which I think is quite strange romantic. Does he get one of those brown overalls? Yeah, he's a caretaker.

Oh dear, my dad was a school caretaker. We couldn't move for I sell toilet paper and an Ajax. And neither can her ex-husband. No, I shouldn't think so. Apparently, one of her legs weighs more than he does.

How did they, if he were made of gold? How well do you know someone where you can say, shall we Pauline, what about we weigh one of your legs tonight? She was alright with that. What about one of your upper arms? Come on, get that on.

Hold on, let's get a pen and paper. We'll do you in sections. And then we'll add it up and see if they come to 52 stone. What if they don't? That'll be bizarre. That's the kind of fun they have at home. He's 11 stone, the husband. He's 11 and she's 52. Does he call her his other half?

Or does he call her his other five-six? Absolute radio Frank. I settled down to watch Britain's Got Talent and Kath came back with a cup of tea and it looked a bit of an odd colour to me. And also there was a knife in it. Oh dear. There was a knife in it. Oh, dear. It was a knife.

It was a Don Corleone. Exactly. I mean, what was it? Some sort of veiled threat? Was the blade facing upwards? No, the blade was in and the handle was sticking out. I think that's what he did to a potential victim. Honestly, I've heard something like that.

It's a mafia thing. Honestly. If you can imagine a very domestic version of the sword in the stone it was like that and the light it was one of those knives i don't know what the official name is but the one that you'd use uh that for butter spreading a butter knife yeah is that what they're called because you don't want a very sharp you don't want a sharp especially if it's a serrated edge and if you've you've ever spread butter with a serrated edge knife. It looks like a Ploughed Field, the sandwich.

I feel I should be eating raw vegetables on it. So anyway, and then when I tasted it, I said, this tastes strange. And I thought maybe there was something left on the knife. Maybe it's just in soak, the knife. Oh, she said, I thought I'd use up the UHT. Now, I've just spent £150 at the supermarket. Can I say,

I've had three Sony nominations, I've got my own TV show, I have international representation, I have to come home, I have to drink tea made with UHT from a mug that I have to stir with a knife? This was the nature of my speech. It was like that I have to stir with a knife. This was the nature of my speech.

It was like Look Back in Anger with Richard Burton. I gave an enormous rags-to-riches, impassioned speech. I have fought my guts out to get away from drinking UHT that I have to stir with a knife. And off it was, I was absolute, I was a martyr. You were off like the horse at the wedding. Oh, man, is that going to become a new phrase?

How come you have UHT in the house? Well, exactly. And the whole idea of I wanted to use it up. Like, you know, UHT, it ain't going nowhere. That's fancy. We could have said that'll do when we have people around at Christmas and the UHT would have been alright. Frank, 437, she was making you

a knife cup of tea. Celebrating Frank Skinner's 60th birthday. Absolute Radio, Frank.