The Frank Skinner Show - The EFA

Episode Date: August 6, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank and Emily are joined by Steve Hall. The team discuss the Lionesses’ victory dance, a viral graduation celebration and Frank’s hatred of octopi.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall is with us today. Oi! You can text the show on 812.15, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show, oh I've got slurry, frank at absoluterad Radio. Email to the show. Oh, I've got slurry. Frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. That's where we are. Morning, Steve. It's been a while.

It's good to see you. It's been a while. You moved to Oxford and I thought that's the end of him. I'll still come back for you. Oh, God bless you, Governor. How lovely Oxford. Yeah. How is Oxford to live in?

It's absolutely lovely. It's not London, I'll be honest. Has it got dreamy spires? It does have... Oh. It has punters. It's lovely. Punters? Frank loves punters.

It turns out the air can be fresh. Steve finally got some punters. It's the only way I could do it. That's a verse. Oh, man. Well, it's lovely to have you on, I must say. Thank you. And we'll make you a tazine maybe later if you're thirsty.

Just testing him. I should know what that is. No, no, it's a herbal tea. It's a herbal tea. It's a general tea. Allegedly. Look, we've checked this. Has this been discussed on the show?

Yeah, I referred to it. I don't know where it came off. I think we were talking about making tea and stuff, and I said, what about if he's making a tisane, and I got quite a lot of blank stares. He got a lot of scorn. It sounds like someone's describing Alex Zane. But, yeah, someone in Yorkshire. Something describing Alex Zane. But, yeah, someone in Yorkshire.

Something about Alex Zane. Ah, Zane used to live round here. There used to be that story about Jane Fonda when she used to travel round doing her fitness classes. Saying that to a bunch of women in Ilkley or something. Right, everyone, hands on thighs, and they put their hands over their eyes. I don't think it was true.

Oh, I wish it was. She was the queen of all that. She's an absolute queen with a KW. I'm obsessed by the woman. She still is. She looks fabulous. Emily was saying off air, I hope I'm all right to quote you on this, that her niece is about to be 21. And funnily enough, I was only talking last night about this. Why is 21 special? Yeah, yeah.

When I was 21, I remember I got a silver, big silver key, and that used to be what you got when you were 21. Can I ask a difficult question? Was it plastic? Because a lot of these keys are. Well, no, I don't think it was a key. I don't think there was any idea I could use it on the house tour. It was like a car.

But when the cards that you got, you used to get a box with a silver, big silver key. Can we discuss the presentation box? Yes. Because I never liked the presentation box because there was nothing in it. It was a hollow box. And also, I have a problem,

and forgive me anyone who's sent me this, when people send you a postcard for a birthday card, you have to find a leaning place for it. So cheap. There's a reason that there's two parts to a birthday card. Independence, that's what that card is after. You don't want to be leaning. And the key for my 20...

I think I've already got two or three keys, these big silver keys. Do they still do them? I have to say, part of the purpose of this show, Steve, I don't know if you remember, a TV show called Adam, Adam and Lives. Have you ever heard of that? I didn't see it at the time.

I'm aware of it. No, of course he has. He knows the special effects person. It's a Victorian gentleman who was accidentally buried in a block of ice and then comes out in the 60s and spends a lot of the series saying, do they still have a horse and chase? And that's what I do on this show.

And do people still get keys for their 21st? 8, 12, 15. And what's special about being 21? Who picked that? Well, I was telling you both of you as well off air that I was greatly relieved that my niece felt rather bad because she's a lovely girl. And she said she didn't want us.

There's no easy way of saying this. She didn't want me and her dad at the party. Oh. And I think that's a great sign. If your kids want you at their 21st, ask yourself some deep questions. Yeah, you don't want that. You could look through the window.

They don't want me there. Perhaps into I'm Every Woman. Have a mock picture frame and you can stand there like the couple from American Gothic. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I have an announcement to make. Oh, OK. Happy Flying Ant Friday we received yesterday. I hope you had a good one.

They descended onto South Wales around 5pm yesterday, apparently. 5pm? That's late for the Flying Ants. And they had a whale of a time. A whales of a time. What I like about Neil is he's then said, here's to the next one, exclamation mark. Do you think sort of in the Caribbean, people on the coast of Grenada said we had loads,

all the whales came in on Friday and gathered around the coast. They had an absolute ant of a time. I'll bet they don't. Flying Ant Day has become associated with this show. I've got friends who will text me when they have Flying Ant Day connected to this show. We're one of the few people who acknowledge that it actually exists, I think. Because, you know, I mentioned it. Are you aware of this, Steve?

I mentioned it once on the Graham Norton show. Is that how it first came up? No, because neither Graham Norton or any of the Hollywood stars had ever heard of it. He was on the show with, it was Marion Cotillard. That's right, yeah. And I believe the other was Michael Fassbender. Michael Fassbender, yeah. I think McAvoy might have been on as well. I believe

McAvoy was. And McAvoy was the biggest refuse, Nick, wasn't he? I mean, yeah. And also, as for Marion, did they not get it in France? Yes, flying out there. They just didn't, they thought you were in the pocket of big flying ant. So,

yeah, and Norton hadn't heard of it. How did they react? Unless he was just joining in with the stars. Oh, yeah, no, I haven't heard of it either. Whatever you say, dear. You made him shout a bit more Ian Paisley. No, I did, yeah. I went a bit north.

But, you know, they move about the ants. No, that's what happened. So then I started to think I'd imagine the whole thing. So imagine, this is when people say this, imagine my response when the next time people started sending me to the show and I thought it does

exist. But I didn't realise it was staggered. I thought there was one day across the British Isles. I didn't know there was like they do south wales one day we had it thursday we had flying out dale it was our little cat went mad for the ants there was mancunian your little cat so uh thursday in oxford we could chart their progress across the British Isles. We haven't had ours yet in North London, Frank, have we? I saw one. That's not a day.

No, it's not a day. But I said, I can't remember who I was with, and I said, look, there's a flying ant on the floor, and I thought, well, any second now. The swarm. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Can I briefly share this from Adam Barrett? Mm adam barrett if you can't be with the one you love love the one you're with as the song goes by stephen stills although frank credited it

to james taylor so brief correction from a couple of weeks ago oh i really thought it was james taylor workshopping it in my head after hearing frank talk about it, I thought it could be improved a little. Surely, because we talk about this sometimes, Steve, as you may know the improving songs. Yes, yeah. Surely when a sentence is jumbled to remake another sentence, you need to use all the words. So how about...

As in, nice to see you. Nice to see you. Yeah. So how about, if you can't be with the one you love, beloved the one you're with. Beloved is very nice, yeah. It works in my head, Adam continues, and it's not a massive change,

but perfection is in the finer details. Don't you think? Bye for now, Adam. Hmm. It's true, it's never occurred to me that they use all the words in their rearrangement we need to get in touch

with Stephen Stills yeah or James Taylor depending who's got that right I really thought he was but he'll have checked this as well as knowing it you know when you know something but you're still checking

because I was on the phone to another comedian and I said I'm going to Zurich in a couple of weeks. And he said, Zurich? And he, I don't know what his response, he must have said, why are you going there? And I thought, that's right, isn't it, Zurich? I thought, have I made that up?

So I'm always in a sense of doubt. We've heard from 245 on the subject of turning 21 and the key to the door. 245 has said, the keys were the best back in the days, but what the heck nowadays with cups? And they're absolutely correct. People now tend to get engraved chalices or goblets. When they're at 21. I blame the Game of Thrones.

I blame Pierce the Ploughman. Get a goblet. Wow. Why would you get a chalice? It's very medieval. My wife's got one from when she turned 18, 21 and 30. People running out of ideas. And they sit in a cupboard and you only use them

when the washing up is really, really out of hand. You only use them when you have a banquet. You only use them when the pardoner comes over from the Canterbury town. Why would you have a challenge? But that's not just a 21 thing. No, it's not only 21. So the key has gone. The silver key in the box.

I think that has gone. Was the idea of that, was that as in you get the key to your own house or is it here's a key, now your parents want you to get your own place? Yes, I think that has gone. Was the idea of that, was that as in you get the key to your own house, or is it, here's a key, now your parents want you to get your own place? Yes, I think maybe it's to do with your parents giving you a key so that you can stay out late because you're 21. Oh, so it's actually... I think so.

Right, so it's for your own house. I think so. I thought everyone was married at that age then but most parents now would be here's a key to any other house please sling your hook yes well not in london now you're in oxford you think people can afford to buy their own houses steve we're rent we're renting we could not afford to buy an oxford shape man sad little moment of Steve's private life I liked it because it was quite it's all gone a big rising down

Gab Heaton call me boring but I feel the same about almost any milestone birthday I turned 40 this year and I didn't really do anything special my friends said but you're only 40 once my reply was but you're only 39 once only 41 once what's your point

bit of a friend for you frank maybe and also the definition of once is complicated you're you're 40 for a year that's a lot of once's isn't it yeah why do it on the actual day just uh you know you can i'll do it we're gonna get into it first see how it feels yeah what's uh what's steve been up to by the way well since i last i've tried i've done it's it's been a while it has been a while i am i've been on netflix that's a a novelty to me i don't know if you've seen um russell howard had a special out uh and in an act of quite charming arrogance, they decided to put a documentary for the making of that special. And so I crop up it in a few occasions.

Oh, Steve, Frank, we don't have to watch that. They've edited it. It's an enjoyable watch, but they've edited out some of my favourite bits. Inevitably like there's some there's some thornier bits it's not about you

no no oh no not about me oh okay that would be the height of arrogance and self delusion to think why is there not more

of that no but it's also been the height of honesty I would say there's a gig they did in we did in Cardiff we played in an arena

in Cardiff and it had been a really tricky gig and Russell had a mini meltdown on stage because this bloke was repeatedly heckling

and he wanted to get up on stage to propose to his wife but he was incredibly drunk and he was trying to do a nicer bit

in the show so there'd been a mini meltdown and then Jason Dawson who you've worked with, a lovely producer, lovely man, he said, we know that Russell's in a bad mood. We know as soon as the gig's finished,

he's going to go straight to the car. And he's not going to stop. So we're not going to get the chance to get any visuals. So will you wear a wire? Will you? Oh, wow. Can we put a mic on you who was that bloke

who used to do the TV Donal McIntyre I remember that he used to expose things like the fact that supermodels

do cocaine don't say Donal wow who would have thought that he did an expose over a fashion magazine he said I'm going to

set up my own fake magazine and he met them. And I couldn't believe he got away with it because he said, oh, what's the magazine called? He went, it's called Polka Dot Magazine. Oh, that one. Yeah, catch it while you can.

Is it still going, Polka Dot? No, sad. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. No, sad. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. As Frank likes the beloved one you're with, Lyric Improvement, I was wondering if he's ever noticed the incongruous Middle English line buried in Diana Ross's Upside Down. Oh, yes, I have. I'll share it with you now, Frank.

Respectfully, I have. I'll share it with you now, Frank. Respectfully, A Say To Thee is one of my favourite ever rhymes from a pop song. But sadly, it never developed into a larger medieval disco genre. That's from Tony. I would like to know if anyone else has any medieval lyrics. There must be some other Thees. I love a medieval lyric. It's a helpful rhyme to be able to drop in a the. Yeah, it's always good.

Yeah. I love That's going to nag at me now. What is? Other these. Well, it's not just even any oldie language I enjoy in a song. I feel like the Kaiser, I think there's a the in a Kaiser Chief song and I'm struggling to remember. You're going to have to do a bit better than that Steve. Yes. I feel like the Kaisers, I think there's a V in a Kaiser Chief song and I'm struggling to remember that.

You're going to have to do a bit better than that, Steve. I think I predict a riot there is a V. Is there? I think you'll find, yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah.

I predict a diet, that's what they, you know, when they do those things on the news about the national obesity crisis, that's what they should have,

I predict a diet running underneath it. You know, things like what they should have. I predict a diet running underneath it. You know, things like everything used to have, let me entertain you, running under it. Anyway, we were talking about Steve. So I was offered to wear a wire. Oh, yeah. To secretly record Russell Howard.

To secretly record Russell Howard's audio, which has taken a big gamble, given that the gig had been unpleasant enough that who knows what could have been said. So they really nervously came up to me and said, would you mind secretly recording? And I instantly, yes. And Russell didn't notice that my jacket

was mysteriously zipped up all the way to the top. Steve, I've got to come in. I'm Team Russell here at the moment. Well, I was leaning in at a 45-degree angle, kind of going, leaning over. Oh, yeah. How do you think that went? The least realistic questions.

And, of course, it was unusable because he was just really gutted that the gig had not been so pleasant uh uh did he have would he would have had to say whether it was used or not yeah you weren't you weren't betraying exactly no well at the hotel later on once they'd told him and once i'd had my elaborate fbi recording equipment taken off of me he just came up and just said rat see you're quite a hairy man, Steve. I would be worried about the gaffer tape being used on you. There was a certain amount of rippage when it got removed.

Yeah, there must have been some patches after. I think you got off lightly with rat. I mean, how would you feel if I was recording this? Well, he told me, he wore me, he said he controlled the edit. So in the end in the final edit there's another bit of me where I have to

there was a gig we did where his support act I was emceeing and his support act was James Bay the singer it was a little surprise oh yeah

for the people that were around with or without with or without the hat with hat oh because I've noticed just lately I don't know if he's mislaid the hat

or if he's had a stylist conversation about the hat, but the last time I saw him, he was Saul's hat. I mean, that's a bold move for him. Once you come here. It's like Bob Down without the safari suit. That's unthinkable. I saw him at the Brits dueting with Bieber, I remember,

James Bay. He was very hot then. I think they both sheltered in his shade. That's how intimate they were.

That Bieber himself got some brim coverage. It was lovely. Oh, well, we'll come back to, I love a Bay, a Bay anecdote.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. We were talking about me emceeing James Bay. Yes, Baywatch here on Absolute Radio. We did this gig at the Clapham Grand and it was during the Covid restrictions so the only thing I'd been told to do

he should have wore a beekeepers hat or use his usual black hat but just have it curtained well he was incredibly nervous it was his first gig because of all the lockdowns he hadn't done a gig

in well over a year and the one thing I'd been told that I had to say to the audience in terms of Because of all the lockdowns, he hadn't done a gig in well over a year. And the one thing I'd been told that I had to say to the audience in terms of to comply with the regulations was they were not allowed to sing along. They were absolutely not allowed to sing along. And it was the one thing I forgot to say. Right. So I'd done what I thought was a reasonably good job introducing him.

And it was a little surprise. The audience had no idea it was going to be him. So it was a real lovely atmosphere when you get to tell them that it's him and they all go wild. And then I had to really embarrassingly come back on because the gig wasn't allowed to happen unless I'd said so. I had to then come back out and say, I'm really sorry, ladies and gentlemen.

I've got to, sorry, sorry, James. Literally as he's strumming his first chords. Yes. They say, you're allowed to cheer, you're allowed to whoop, you're allowed to scream, but you're not allowed to sing along. That doesn't make sense, does it? Whooping and screaming. It did seem a bit daft.

I mean, it might have been a Proclaimers gig. That would have been an impossible ask, isn't it? You can't sing along. Oh, man. But it became Russell Howard's Revenge. In the final edit of it, that bit is in the documentary, but I said something funny at the end. I got to a point...

Oh, did you? Well, we'll be the judge of that. Get Netflix on that screen. That's the heartbreaking thing. He's edited out the last two sentences. Oh. So I just look incompetent, which is a look I've carried off with some success for a long time.

But I'd rescued it with the final bit. I'm glad you've put that right here today. So anyone who's been thinking, I can't think of a clean version. What a thingy, Steve. It was the ending. It was Russell's revenge for me wearing a wire. What was the joke?

What was the joke you did at the end? Let's really clear this up. It was more acted out in the moment about pointing out the irony. There was no joke. It was what we call speed, not sense. Oh, okay. I like that. It was Russell's revenge.

Russell said, snitches get stitched up. That was his... Oh, I would have got a rhyme out of that if I'd have been him, but, you know, I'm older, I'm more poetic. I think the phrase is snitches get stitches, isn't it? That was his play on it, yes, yes. And what did Frank... What I liked, Frank, is when you were interrogating Steve about the joke,

it went very Tom Cruise and a few good men. Okay? That was the energy. I don't know if we want to leave that phrase, Tom Cruise and a few good men, just hanging there, do we? Oh, for goodness sake, Frank. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

This is the Frank Skinner This is Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall is with us this morning, all the way from Oxford. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Did we ever find out what the 21 thing was about? We have had a number of people getting in touch about the 21 thing,

but, I mean, there's all sorts of theories. Have you seen any, Steve? I've seen a few knocking around. There's various theories. 532 just says voting, alcohol, etc. But he said 21 became 18 so that's why the key stopped but it didn't switch to 18

so alcohol in England used to be 21 did it I was unaware of that gosh that's not how I remember we were also talking we also have running this morning favorite bits of the oldie language in song lyrics oh yes this was inspired by somebody getting in touch uh saying referring to diana ross yes dropping respectfully i say to thee in upside down upside down

so we've got some some fabulous examples alex has got in touch marillion's use of dilly dilly is pretty spectacular oh wow i didn't know about that oh lavender's blue dilly dilly yeah i know i know the original a few people have confirmed emily was right it was indeed I predict a riot. Thank you. It's not very pretty, I tell thee. Oh, okay. Then we have TC, Anything by Simon and Thou Art Garfunkel. Right. Which I think is true.

They're very medieval. Do they? Give me a par example. Well, the Are You Going to Rose to Scar to scarborough fair yeah but that is an old um they nick that from martin carthy do you know that martin carthy the english folk singer rearranged that song and put the two together promise to buy me a cap and all that stuff yeah and they saw him doing it at a folk club and thought i'm having that what about that then uh we also have and this might be one of my favorites martika love thy will be done yeah that's another thy

okay and then go on scroobius pip and dan lesac song thou Shalt Always Kill, has been mentioned. Oh, I don't know that. Apparently it's got lines like, Thou shalt not judge lethal weapon, with Danny Glover. But this is, I think Jimmy is, this is possibly my favourite. Led Zeppelin, Gallows Pole, I think I see brother coming, riding many a mile. Come on. Yes, I... see brother coming riding many a mile come on yes i uh i feel you're slightly resistant to medieval song why is this i know isn't that since we've mentioned paul simon i keep thinking of his

white cap that he wore for many years and i i was recently watching a band on the telly and one of them um i think they were called a volbeat the fall beats okay yeah and the the guitarist had got um a cap and i really i thought he's probably a lovely book i've really taken against him and now the flat cap when i grew up in a world of flat caps in the West Midlands but now when I see celebrities in a flat cap I really take a ginnom. Oh do you? It's used very much as a disguise by celebrities so they don't get recognised. Is that Guy Ritchie's

fault? I feel like he started putting a lot of... He had one of those with a button in the middle slightly flared. But we are huge GOS fans, aren't we, Frank? Gilbert O'Sullivan. Yeah, but that was a stage cap. Yeah, that was a stage cap initially, though.

Oh, I see. So your objection to the cap is IRL. No, when I say a stage cap, it was part of a uniform he wore as a sort of Victorian schoolboy, which didn't last for long before he went for cardigans and more bouffant hair. It's that thing. I'm not happy with the flat cap on celebrities.

Oh, OK. How do you find them on women? Fergie, for example, the black-eyed peas, Faber's one. OK. She used to back in the day, with black-eyed peas, Faber's one. Okay. She used to back in the day. With a wide vest. Women all bets are off on the clothing. All clothes are off in some cases.

It's like with the denim, denim jeans, man over 15. No, thank you. Women can wear them until they're 100. What about, do we need to make James Bay hats mandatory for all performers? Yeah, I'm not sure about people who take on a hat. This might be because I have a terrible sort of global cranium head and I can't get a hat that fits me. But I don't like the moment of decision of, you know what?

I think I might start wearing a hat. I think people might think think of me a bit differently they will but not the way you want dear frank skinner on absolute radio so i nearly said this is frank skinner on absolute radio then i'm going to be honest with you that's out of touch we've had a couple of... We've obviously been discussing medieval song lyrics. We've had a few comments have said, how have you not mentioned the Lionesses yet?

Yes, well, it was... It was... Yes, we haven't mentioned the Lionesses. It was brilliant. Well, I've been wanting to know your reaction. I mean, I've been waiting for how long is it 26 years since 1996 I've waited to say these words

to you why the hell do you watch Doctor Who in addition to that I know I've wanted to hear your reaction to the news that football has come home thanks Skinner it was good.

The final was good. But the final was, for me, it was like that bit in the middle. The first game was, you know, all right. And the final, it was brilliant. You know, we won. But in the middle was, I've only ever seen England football team playing like that in my dreams. I mean, like goals going in from all directions, 40-yard passes to players in space.

I think you'd be dropped by Gareth if you hit a 40-yard pass because the risk of losing possession, it's unforgivable even if the goal goes in. The backheel from Rosser and all that, you know. There's no getting around. It's hard to talk about it without sounding like a bloke who's trying to show he takes it seriously. But I didn't take it seriously. I just loved it. There was no taking it serious.

Who takes football seriously? Don't answer that. It was just really really really enjoyable the whole experience of it people got walloped absolutely walloped what about the Norwegians they're still reeling

but there was games where I just saw every attack now that they you know it's going to be a goal did you go into the game against did you go into the game against them feeling optimistic? What, the Deutsch?

Oh, by then I thought we were unbeatable. I really did. What about when, my highlights, you're getting them

anyway. Number one, the tiny football car, obviously. Oh, yes. They've overused that a bit. They use it for the shot pot and stuff in the... They should just keep it for the big ones.

Yeah. And my suggestion, which I've shared before, tiny dog for the halftime entertainment. I know a dog who would fit in that car. Can you imagine? No reference to it. No one mentions it. Just at the wheel, sat there impassively.

Maybe that would be how they could give people the key on their 21st birthday. I think it should be brought out being cradled by a mandrill. You know, quite frightening apes. And just, you know, purple face, purple bomb. That's my motto. Yeah, one of those coming out. It could be on some

sort of protective harness. A different animal every time brings it out. But I tell you what, Frank, your song and Uncle David's song and Uncle Ian's, that got a lot of air time, didn't it? Especially by the ladies.

The very first thing played at the final whistle. Oh, come on. I'll tell you what, though. You know, the clip that's been around a lot is the press conference. Yes. So Serena's doing a talk and then they come in singing,

it's coming, you know. First of all, the brilliant thing about that is that the men's team, should they win a trophy will never do that because they dance you know that dance like there's no one watching they say they just look so the men would have to phone their agents and ask about sort of the brand potential brand to damage of dancing with a band. But they just looked like a bunch of girls on a night out. Who cares?

It was her night in Magaluf. They're so perfectly choreographed. When they dance in, you can't imagine Harry Maguire doing that dance. Also, guys, how often do you see someone genuinely get on a desk and dance? I mean, it only happens in 9 to 5, the musical. A bit of coyote ugly.

I worried a little bit about her 5, the musical. A bit of coyote ugly. I worried, I worried a little bit about her getting on the desk. Why? Because those desks, they look a bit like Boris Johnson's lectern.

I thought if she goes through that, now that's spoilt the joke. Well, Serena did say, which I enjoyed, because she was

very proper. Herpo. What about Serena went, oh, Mary. She clapped along though. Oh, there's something that I want to talk. Okay, let's hang on. I want to talk to you about the postscript

to that moment, but after this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah, so at the end of the Lionesses rendition of Three Lions at the press conference, which we all agree was really a beautiful thing to see. Yeah.

And nothing to do with my song, just people, you know, an England football team celebrating victory. Anyway, one of the journalists who's mid-question says to Serena, the boss, she says, are you cross with them because it's banned, isn't it, that song? Did they say that? Yeah, and she said, she says, well, it's an English cultural thing, isn't it? You know, we won the cup, but I think its home is in Switzerland at UEFA. That's what she actually said.

Now, clearly the FA have said, because, you know, the FA, there's been all sorts of stuff that the FA think the song's a bit jingoistic. Right. Because it says stuff like England. Well, that rule was handed out. Yeah. But I would say it's the opposite. It's the idea that it's the home of football.

But it's saying we never win anything. Yeah, it's the home thing I think they have the problem with because it's sort of based on the fact that the first ever football league, the first ever football association, the first ever cup all happened in England. It's not suggesting any superiority but anyway

I think it's coming a bit much from the FA who are called the football association. Everyone else is called the Scottish Football Association. It was only formed a few years after that. They should be called the English Football Association. Otherwise, it's incredibly arrogant to call yourself the Football Association. Suggesting you invented it.

Yeah, exactly. It's almost just because they were first, they think they get to call it the football. So I think that we should start a campaign for the FA to be called the EFA from now on. I do. Yeah, and just acknowledge that we're all, you know, we're all part of one big family in football. There is no granddaddy. But also, can't any nation have that opinion? It's an opinion, essentially. So Brazil could say it's coming home. That's all right. I also think they should adopt

the slogan, slightly out of touch since 1863. Well, that's because it's the least jingoistic. That's exactly like you said, Emily, it's acknowledging all the hurt. It's acknowledging the rubbishness

of, yeah. I mean, the home thing is just a historical thing. it's acknowledging the rubbishness of yeah I mean the home thing is just a historical thing I saw were you involved with the rewrite I saw David

and Ian Broody performing it Broody I've never known I took a gamble no I wasn't I wasn't alright Paul Larson

I wasn't involved with that but yeah they sang it with some of the old lionesses who were at the thing. It was good. I love the old lionesses. I was going to do it and then I couldn't do it.

But it was, yeah, it was, you know what? It's so difficult to talk about it without sounding like you're trying to say, oh, you know, I'm really, I'm like, but I just loved it. It was just really enjoyable and we won and that was that. So, I don't think there's any more to say about it. Oh, excuse me, isn't there? Can we discuss the note? Oh, yes, the note. We should definitely discuss the note? Oh, yes, the note.

We should definitely discuss that. Okay, we'll discuss the note. Or should we call it the note? The note? You're in the note? Sorry, I don't know if you can do that. I think that's one of the accents you can still do. I'll check with the FA.

Yeah, I've got the absolute brochure here of accents. It's a slim, slim volume. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. What about Vicky? Flying ants equals flants. This needs to be a thing, Vicky.

I'm not sure about flants. Flants. it makes them sound a bit cakey now yeah I don't know we'll consider that Vicky I don't think it's something

we should rush into okay we were just where was the EFA I'm very keen that it happens tomorrow just so they have to spend a lot of money

on notepaper and compliment slips and what about the ties they like a ceremonial tie. Oh, yeah. A blazer badge. A blazer badge on a John Lewis suit. Would you go with, what would it be? EFA or EFA or just EFA?

I suppose they'd start getting called EFA when they're like, EFA and you EFA. On the subject of the It's Coming Home controversy, Steve Hall made a very good point off air. We were discussing off air. My understanding was that it was originally, the phrase It's Coming Home was coined by the FA. Well, they had banners all round Wembley,

went for Euro 96, which says football comes home. That was their slogan. Hang on, so the EFA, yes, I'm there already. The EFA. IFA. IFA came up with it's coming home. Or football's come home. They come up with football comes home.

Oh, come on now. Yeah, I mean, it's such a silly thing to be arguing about. Anyway, like I said, the rules were drawn up in England. The first football league was in England. The first football association was in England. I think the first cop. It's an admin. But do they want us to put admin in brackets?

Football's coming home. Admin rather than spiritual. Can I tell you what I like, though, is that when the fact that when they were, I suppose, out of that formal setting, when the lionesses were at their most, I suppose, allowing their souls to sing at their most open, they were unfettered by the formality of the event.

And they were, let's face it, very drunk. Do you think the Greek women's team is ever unfettered by the formality of the event. And they were, let's face it, very drunk. Do you think the Greek women's team is ever unfettered? Oh, lovely. Lovely. I bet they are. They chose to sing your song. Well, they sang other songs, you know.

But I bet no one ever says to Neil Diamond, sweet Caroline, it's a bit patronising, isn't it? I mean, God, just relax. Songs. There was a group that when Chloe Kelly eventually sang Vindaloo very briefly on Instagram but it was quite satisfying, it was quite a while later. Yeah, she

was... I mentioned that one, Steve. Anyway, we just can't keep talking about my song. Well, we can't because the note Oh the note yes yes so Alicia Rosso who got the goal of the tournament

Oh she really did there was a bit where, now this is a bit I'm not sure about this a relatively modern phenomenon is the game, is the manager writing down their thoughts. The notebook is quite a new thing. And no one loves a notebook more than me.

They write stuff. But usually then they pass it on to a player. This is the first time, and it's in a European final, I've actually seen, and people might have seen, but me personally, I've never seen a player come on with the actual note ripped out the notepad before. That was a new one on me. But, you know, it's what happened next that we're going to discuss.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Yeah, so the German manager sent on a note with one of the players. There wasn't long to go in the game and it was... And Alicia Rosso went and looked over her shoulder. I mean, I'm assuming it was in German, but it might have just been like a diagram or... We know what it is now.

Oh, I don't know what it is. Russo is revealed. Because, yeah, she brought it on and she craned her neck in the most fabulous way, didn't she? Well, it was very blatant. It was blatant. She subsequently revealed that she said it was tactics, but there was nothing written.

Because people were saying, does she understand German? She said it was a series there was nothing written because people were saying does she understand German what was she looking at she said it was a series of X's and O's like the chalkboard or maybe it was a nice love you it was just a nice X crosses and cuddles see I would not have done that

I must say because I'd be afraid that it would be something unkind about me or the team in general so I wouldn't have done it that it would be something unkind about me. Yeah. So, or the team in general. So I wouldn't have done it.

I never want to know with those things. It was like she was our own, she cracked the Enigma code. Yes. She was like Bletchley Park for one moment. If I need to have been that easy, Bletchley Park, just have to look over someone's shoulder.

There is, I have seen it once before. There's a great clip of Sheffield Wednesday against Huddersfield, and someone carries on physically holding a note, and a Sheffield Wednesday player just grabs it out of the bloke's hand. Oh, really? Oh, that's... See, that's rude rather than funny.

What are the rules concerning these notes? I mean, surely... I don't know if you can go on carrying false gap on onto the pitch yeah I don't think you should be carrying bits of paper next that could someone could get a paper cut in challenge we certainly they've had keepers have had instructions for penalties on their water bottles haven't they they've that goes to a penalty shooter, they've got which direction people send it. I'll tell you what, I've... I'm trying to work out whether to say this person's name.

A well-known comedian told me that he had a meeting with his publicist and was moaning about the fact that publicity hadn't been very good for this show. And he said, as he left the room, he looked down and he saw written on this guy's notepad, try harder. I mean, a somewhat tragic and comic about that. It's both masks simultaneously. And I was with a female friend of mine

And she went to the toilet And left her phone And her phone, an alarm suddenly went off And said folic acid And I thought Time for a baby, I'm probably not supposed to know So there is I'm not much of an eavesdropper

But you can What about after a texting? Most exciting or interesting thing you've read over someone's shoulder. I like, well, or you can do the intentionally, because I do that sometimes, the art for I know someone's going to look at this. So, for example, do you remember, Frank, there was a brief period when I took a screenshot of George Lamb calling me. I intentionally didn't get the phone so that it would say George Lamb missed call. Oh, OK. And then I kept that as my screensaver so that if I went to the loo or people would think, oh, George Lamb missed call.

She didn't even answer. I kept that for four years i worked with a guy on this tv show and we were moaning that he was giving more time to the barbecue that we had at lunchtime which he was doing outside that he was to the actual show and we had a meeting it was sort of slightly light-hearted but we were saying you know get someone more minor to do the barbecue. Anyway, as I looked at his notepad and he'd written Cajun question mark. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall.

You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. We were talking earlier... I got a letter to my house this week that just said Frank Skinner Hampstead. It was delivered. The fact that it got there, do you know what?

That says a lot for your celebrity respect. Well, apparently George Bernard Shaw got an envelope delivered to him that was just a caricature of him. Wow. That's brilliant, isn't it? Did you open it, or would you be... No, no, I opened it. You were happy to open it.

I'd be terrified. I see what you mean, yeah. I would have got staff to do that, if I had staff staff which I don't no it was alright John Hopkins yes yeah

but normally when we mention him I go Hopkins he's one of our regulars we were talking about Notegate and my George Lamb lamb missed call for intentionally placed there for snoopers john hopkins has a story related to this years ago i was sat on the raised seat at the back of a bus when the woman in front of me got a text message which read julie i'm really

sorry but i've accidentally set fire to your lounge carpet. We'll talk about it later, hyphen James kiss. I have been obsessed by this ever since. Oh, Julia, if you're listening, or James, please tell us what happened to the lounge carpet. Also, I mean, I would have been shocked at the use of lounge, but that's another story. You might like it.

I was told never to use it, but what can I do? Ali Little. Yeah. Someone writing about their current train journey and how they described me based on the book I was reading, which she described me as bald. I have significant thinning, but I still have hair. Rude. Yeah. Oh, dear. I have hair. Rude. Yeah.

Oh, dear. I was on a train once with Emily, and there was a couple, an old couple, with, like, their son, who was, he was probably about 50, with them. And Emily emailed me a picture from Sorry in that Ronnie Corbett sitcom, which was exactly that line-up. It was a screen grab, that's all I texted him.

And we started laughing so hard. Oh, man, I really... And I don't often lose it on the laughing front, but that was really stupendous. Well, we all love Leeds. Oh, hello. What's that? One of your doggy friends. They don't love Leeds.

No. Dogs don't. Don't forget, by the way, this morning's texting, cat Leeds, why so rare? 8, 12, 15. Well, maybe David Baddiel, our close mutual friend, can... I wonder, he's got, I think, four cats. That was a follow-up for the Dickens follow-up sequel.

I don't think he's got a lead in the house. He posts some great cat content, though. But I... He's selling me on cats, I've got to be honest. Yeah. Why don't cats, and David will know the answer to this, but why aren't they sort of socialised? Why can they never be

seen in the outside world? Why are they kept away at home like Rochester's wife? It's cruel. Are you planning a spin-off podcast? They do. It just ends up in horrendous violence after 30 seconds. It used to be a legal

term that if a dog was in your garden you could whatever call the police or I think you were allowed a legal term that if a dog was in your garden you could whatever call the police or I think you were allowed to hit it

with a stick or something what happened it was a very nice show I'm going back quite a dog

whatever happened to you maybe you couldn't hit it but you could get the owners into trouble but cats

and this was always quoted, had roving commission. People always used to say, I caught anything about a cat because they've got roving commission. Is that a legal term? It was very much spouted as if it was habeas corpus,

you know what I mean? Like something that would come up in a courtroom. If there's any legal people out there... Or agents who operate with a roving commission policy. I would love to know about the cat and the roving commission.

Basically, I'm asking about the cat claws. Can I just say... I don't talk over that. Too late now, you've damaged it. That'll never be... That's un-mendable. Straighten the bin. What are you going to say?

Well, no, it's too late now. Oh, too late for you? What about cat claws? Can I tell you this, Frank? David Baddiel is typing and I've got the three dots. Oh, no. OK.

Let's hope it's good. I'm Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, no. OK. Let's hope it's good. I've heard from... It all makes sense. David Baddiel's three dots. OK. Three dots on a text. Yes. David Baddiel's three dots on a text.

He's said... He's answered the cat's question. Yeah. I asked why are cats locked away like Rochester's wife? Yeah. He's replied, I was leading the witness a bit, I appreciate it. Yeah, Rochester's wife who also had lounge carpet problems. Problems. Sorry, it's my own profession.

It's because cats are hyper-territorial. I thought he was going to say allergenic. They definitely are. I have been round Dave's house with a sore throat, eye streaming. Oh, yeah. Why was that? Did he cook that goose curry again? It's the cats.

Oh, OK. They're lice cats, but, you know. So don't like going far from their houses. I love that. What about this? What a waste of roving commission. You get a lord to look after you and then you squander it by just lying around the house. And he's still thrilled about this.

How do you feel when you get the three dots? From David B? No, from anyone. And then it goes away. Oh, well. That's a horrible feeling. You think the three dots, oh, what they're going to say. I've heard tell.

I've heard tell of people who've had a communication, they've texted an ex or something. Yeah. And seen the three dots and then never heard from them again. Oh, no. Oh, come on. So they thought, oh, I'll reply. Oh, no, I won't.

Imagine the last thing you heard from someone. I'm going to write a novel just about that three or four seconds of that person's three dots. What could have happened, what might have been. What were they going to say? The arrow, the string is actually drawn back on the bow. Yeah. And then it's relaxed again.

The arrow is never released. You see, David Baddiel, I know I'm always, this is what I like about him, I'm always going to get some content. He's not a three-dotter disappearer. I'm trying to think if he's ever three-dotted me. I think he might have. No, he's not a tricky...

You know these tricky ones where you think you're... Certain types are very three-dots disappearers. By a BTW, I did archery. Wow. I did archery recently and learned something about archery

I never knew. It's that the Mr. Archery Man... I'm interested to know what the... So he watched me, he watched me firing my arrows and then he went up to the... He went up to the top yeah i mean

i should have drawn the curtain it's my own fault how exclusive is that club but anyway i i've i've few arrows and then he went up to the target and he put a white marker on the target and he said aim at that. So I aimed at the marker and then got really close to the bullseye and he said everybody's got a bit of, they aim a bit to the left or a bit to the right. Did he say look what you've got I said, no wonder in these shorts. I said to him. But, so people who are really good at archery aren't actually aiming at what they're hitting. There's something weird about that.

It's like me ending up on radio. Oh, God. up on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, I was hoping to discuss the wonderful Rosalba Mensah. Oh, yes. She went viral this week. What a woman.

Went viral. She did the splits and went viral. She was celebrating her graduation from the London College of Fashion. She'd studied costume design for performance and she celebrated in a really wonderful way. Well, she came out and did a little bit of a dance, a la the Lionesses really, a very sort of carefree, I'm just, you know, messing about. Yeah. And then, now, to me, the splits, I think, to every man is a wondrous and terrifying thing.

Yeah. I mean, because, I mean, I know men can do it. I've seen a few men do it in the Commonwealth Games gymnastics. Not in the Bolshoi. But the thought of it is, yeah, I think he did. Oh, God. Anyway. the thought of it is yeah i think he did um oh god anyway um she now if you go into a gradual splits you know the one when you gradually slide down there's a sort of negotiation with gravity

about where you will where you will come to a point of agreement where this far and no further where you would come to a point of agreement where this far and no further. If you do what I would call the drop splits, which is what Rosalba did, you've absolutely given all authority to gravity. I mean, they're saying, you know, just do with me what you will. And she absolutely went for it.

She really dropped into a full split on stage. And, whoa, that was commitment. It whoa that was commitment it's magnificent and it's fitting because she's obviously having studied costume design for performance she's nailed the performance and thankfully the costume design helps her well i'd have thought the costume design for a graduation the headstand would be the obvious thing. I don't think that's a good idea. But a mortarboard is begging for a headstand, isn't it? You've got a proper base. I don't like people doing the splits, I'm afraid.

It doesn't sit well with me. It just makes me feel a bit funny. Is that the arrogance of youth? No, no, it's just the physicals of it makes me feel a bit funny. No, it's frightening to watch. It's frightening, yes. But it begs to be right. Oh.

She only got a two, one. If she'd got a first, goodness knows what she would have done. I don't want to think about that. No, exactly. Well, it's great that she won over the internet, given that the internet is a notoriously cynical place and people just loved it. People would delight that she does it with such charm

that often some of these graduation things, when you celebrate slightly like that, it can be a bit Tom Cruise with Katie Holmes on Oprah. Isn't it funny? Why did Tom Cruise jump in on Oprah's sofa? Why was that terrible? And Risalba doing a drop splits was great. He didn't do the splits.

No. You see, if Tom did the splits, I wouldn't mind. If Tom did anything, as you know, Frank, I just can't quit that man. Unfortunate choice of man, but anyway. I just kind of think that, you know, with the lionesses doing that dance, it just sort of happened, but with

Tom Cruise, you'd get the feeling he might have got a choreographer in just for a couple of sessions to get the sofa jumping right yes if anything looks sort of cynical or pre-arranged we don't like it i would say what i particularly liked about rosalba was the was the response from the university faculty they were whooping and cheering can i say that would not have happened in my day. They did not tolerate that in the 16th century. Well.

And I had my vice-chancellor, I believe it was Sir Richard Attenborough at the time. Wow. He would not have, I mean, he would have liked that actually, I think, wouldn't he? Dickie. Dickie was a tolerant soul.

I think so, yeah. But I just think there are certain, what would you have done at your university Steve went to one of the potions Frank just FYI well I

I made such a mess of my degree I'd have had to have done like the opposite of a celebration I'd have had to apologise and shield my face Harry Carey

is what you would have made it to the top I I received my what I like to call my first degree. Oh, lovely. From the head of the gas board. It's probably one of the most Birmingham things that ever happened.

Was it Boilerman? I don't remember what his name was, funnily enough. Was everything in Birmingham related to the gas board or Boilerman? I don't know how he would have gone with the splits. He might have put a bit of gaffer tape around me and got his welding materials out. So yeah, it wasn't that kind of.

It was much more industrial. Richard Attenborough and the head of the gas board. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. And we've had a message Thank you so much for playing our single Karl Lagerfeld's Vampire Club That felt massive

Oh, that's brilliant From the Harlem Racket crew Dean, David and Gab, we salute you Oh, that's great We've also heard from Richard Jackson on the subject of footballers being given notes. He said this has to be included. There's a Stoke midfielder called Badu Ndai

who ate the paper. He'd been given notes. I reckon he was a secret service man of old. There's a little photo that he a secret service man of old. Wow. There's a little photo that he sent with a tweet of him wolfing down. Australia, unless it was on rice paper, of course. Oh, yeah. That makes it all right.

I can't remember if we've read this out on air. I'm just going to be full disclosure here. That was the title of Andrew Neil's autobiography. Full disclosure, wasn't it? Why do people give a key on the 21st birthday? Did you read this, Steve, from Mike? I'm sorry, I'm showing the innards.

Just read it again, it's fine. Don't shout at me, guys. Key pendants are given as a present on the 21st birthday. The tradition dates from the times when at 21 you were considered old enough to be a keyholder. Did we read that?

No, no, we didn't read that. Oh, good. When you were considered old enough to be a keyholder to your family's home and thus held a symbolic senior position in the family. Did you have a key to your family's home, Frank? Yeah, eventually, yeah. I don't know if it came at 21, but as Steve pointed out, there was a popular musical hit that went,

21 today, 21 today, he's got the key of the door, never been 21 before, et cetera, et cetera. So it was a thing. It was definitely a thing. Okay. Not anymore. Being a fan of the show, when I'm not very occasionally on it,

I enjoy listening to the podcast. Yeah, right. And I was listening to you last weekend talk about tabloid terminology. Oh, yes. The different phrases that the tabloids use. I saw one this week that was in the coverage of the Lionesses win. Ella Toon is from Wigan. Oh, yeah.

And her local paper said, Ella Toon makes shock visit to pub on return home. Oh, yes, shock visit. Shock visit's good. And shock visit is a very tabloid phrase. I'd call a ban shock visit. Everyone that walks into a pub, for most of the people in the pub, that's band shock visit. Everyone that walks into a pub, for most of the people in the pub,

that's a shock visit. It's only that one or two people who think, well, we're meeting old Tuno at the pub tonight. Yeah. But it's also the logical place. If she's going home to celebrate a magnificent victory, the pub is a logical place. It'd be a shock visit if she turned up at the dry cleaners.

Yeah, yeah. That'd be a shock visit. Yes. I wonder if they're going to do any sort of golden post boxes for the lionesses. I beg your pardon? Do you remember the... Oh! For the athletes, Olympic athletes used to get a golden post box in their local area.

And presumably there'll be some um honours listings for them as well oh let's hope so surely leah's gonna get one uh ruth jordan has been in touch not read over a shoulder remember we were talking yeah reading notes over shoulders yeah not read over a shoulder but i once got a big advantage in a job interview because the waiting room was next to the interview room and i could hear through the wall the previous person's entire interview plus the discussion of all their mistakes after they left the room i got the job wow come on that is would you want to work anywhere where the walls were that thin? That was a company that could go down at any time. So last week, no, it was two weeks ago in fact, you'd been discussing the best underwater remake of an existing film.

Yes, things that normally are on dry land but get done underwater, like chess was my example. Yes. And Matthew Richardson has tweeted the show saying, underwater hockey. Oh. It's also known as octopus. Wow.

Sorry, is that based on Sean Connery trying to say half of the film Roger Moore was him? Very fine. Or is it someone coaching an octopus giving birth? I mean, that would be quite a sight for sore eyes. Well, wouldn't it though?

Which legs are you going to open? Do you like octopi? No. That's the best response to that question. I don't think that's disgusting. I don't need to know.

They're really the most vile looking creatures I've ever seen in my life. Anyway. There's no, you can't leave me at anyway. No, disgusting. There's nothing about them.

Their eyes are in, like, the wrong place. The soccer things. Ink? Ink? I mean, what's going on? Ink? Who takes ink out as a defence? Your dad? Who's Charles Dickens being attacked?

God. Frank. And also, distinguish yourself from a squid. I have no idea which is which. You know,

it's like when you're doing shopping at the supermarket. Put the separator there so we know where the squid ends and the octopus begins. Where are the eyes, Frank the separator there so we know where the squid ends and the octopus begins. Where are the eyes, Frank?

Are they on the top of the head? Where are they indeed? And that sort of pointed, it's like a beak they've got. It's so disgusting. They've got like a pointed opening beak thing. I bet. Yeah, so they could hold a sheet of newspaper or something if they needed to.

Maybe a note if it was an octopus football match. The animal kingdom is being taken down. You did Pine Martins the other week. Yeah, I've got nothing against Pine Martins, but, phew, man. I tell you what, I'm not overly fond of anything in the sea. Really?

Yeah. Do you know what? I've never seen eye to eye with these people. Whenever I go in there, I just... It's a different world. You know what I think? You're all right. You can have it.

Yeah. You're welcome to your aquatic adventures. It's exactly the sort of approach that Aquaman and Prince Namor are looking for from us land lobbers. But, Frank, they've always got weird eyes. They've got all... I don't know, the deeper you get, the worse they get, that's why. What about the teeth? There's no

mirrors down there, clearly. Would it kill them to clean their teeth? Have you seen the teeth on these things? I don't even want to think about it. For Queer Eye, we'll get Queer Eye onto the underwater kingdom. I saw a fish, I mean, not in real life,

because I would never have gone down that deep, because I know what they look like down there. Massive mouth with these disgusting teeth. Exactly. A one-eyed. Get a bit closer. You know the aqua poise lampfishes that have that? Get a bit closer to one of the aquapoids lampfishes that have that?

Get a bit closer to one of them and have a look at yourself. This is blobfish shaming. Stay down there. Fine, it's dark. If you're going to come up, phone the aquapoids fish and just say, how do I look? Does my beak look big in this? Says the octopus anyway

I don't think we saw that conversation coming thank you for listening to us

this morning Steve it's great to see you as ever and if the good lord spares us

and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week now get out

this is Frank Skinner this is Absolute Radio