The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show -1023

Episode Date: August 15, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank is joined by the Divine Miss Em and G Richards. The team discuss the change in Tom Jones's diary, bad sportsmanship, have a little listen to one of Gareth's music tracks and step into email corner.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards. Oh, I didn't like that pause. No, I nearly said Alan Cochran out of habit. What day is it, Gareth? Saturday morning!

Anyway, if you'd like to text the show, you can do it on 8-12-15. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We're reeling. We're absolutely reeling on the show today. We got the papers this morning, and Tom's gone.

I've supported the show since the start. I'm shocked and disappointed. I had no warning, see. And we've got him on the show, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is. We'll probably be out to get him on the show now. He's got a bit of a spare time. Yes, Tom Jones has been dropped from the

voice. He's been axed. And he's not happy and he's been replaced by... With, sorry, Boy George. Yeah. You know, it's... I got a copy in my hand here of the Sun newspaper and it says... What about this? BBC sources said Sir Tom was axed

because show chiefs felt he had become stale. Oh, that's what the smell was. They're supposed to wrap him in that big plastic body bag thing at the end of the show, not just leave him out. You've got to follow the procedures. It's gone hard.

Poor Tom. No, I feel sorry for Tom. He said that he had put it in his diary in good faith. Yeah. Like he does every year. He said, I put the time in my schedule to be involved. That's difficult when you put it in your... There must be some tribunal.

If it's in your diary, they have to pay you, I think. And if it's in pen, what is he going to do? I think he should get a photographer round to the house today to take a picture of the diary with the dates marked out. Sir Tom looking sad yesterday with diary. He'll have to get rid of all those women first before the photographer comes round. He hasn't got time for them anymore, has he?

He has now. I bet the wife's thinking, at least I know where he was on a Saturday. Oh, poor Tom. Yeah, but he said it was substandard behaviour by the BBC. And so they've got Paloma Faith and Boy George on the same show. Are they trying to encourage more people to get a collar TV licence? They've all got quite a fancy dress, hasn't they?

Yes. Wow, it's going to be absolutely crazy. Yeah. They should get that woman from kids. What was that? A charity that went down the toilet? Batman? Yeah, let's go. Supercola? I'm sure that's how you can refer to it.

What can you refer to? That's charity that went down the toilet. You can say that. It's news. I think that's alright. It's news, but just not in the traditional sense, darling. No. But not as we know it, Jim. Well, exactly. So poor Tom.

Poor Tom and Bedlam. Yes, although I did find it... I watched a couple of episodes of The Voice last time, I think. And it did feel a bit awkward because at the end... Oh, it's awkward. Nobody's denying it's awkwardness like he's a 75 year old man and a living legend yeah yes so i felt like particularly the welsh young people who were on it felt like they had to choose him yeah yeah in the way you, if you're at a disco, wedding disco, and your grandfather was there.

Yeah. And you really wanted to dance with the person you really wanted to dance with, but you had to dance with your granddad. Yeah, you've got to dance with your granddad. Even though he'd gone stale. The BBC obviously didn't feel this obligation to dance with granddad. I like that he's gone on Facebook. Now, that's impressive. He's got on Facebook. Now that's impressive.

He's on the Facebook. He's on Facebook. Tom Jones. And he was on the Twitters as well. I wonder if his Facebook used to be like all in black and then about a few years ago it suddenly went white. Frank, he tweeted,

he said. He tweeted as well? Yes. He said, shocked and disappointed. No idea.? Yes, he said, Shocked and disappointed. No idea, no conversation, no warning. To the fans, thank you for your support. Oh. He's still wearing it, then. I sent it to him only two years ago. Well, I'll miss him for one.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. It was inevitable, Frank. Ian Angle was going to come up with something.

Morning, Frank. Tom will have to change the entry in his diary to it's not as usual. Ian Angle, it's not pon-usual. It is unusual. I'll probably say it. It's unusual. Just workshopping it.

It's a good start, though. Okay. Anyway, so I feel sorry for Tom. Actually, I could share his pain this week. Why? I went to see David Baddiel live. That's not a very good idea, is it? Why?

I'll share his pain this week. No, no, but this was my pain, not Dave's. I went and saw Dave's show, which is very funny, I recommend. Yes, I've seen it. It's called My Family, Not the Sitcom. It's excellent. In which he discusses his family in detail, I recommend. Yes, I've seen it. It's called My Family, Not the Sitcom. It's excellent. In which he discusses his family in detail, I think it's fair to say.

Oh, graphic. So afterwards, I was sitting in the bar at Soho Theatre with David Baddiel and our shared management. Yes. And a woman came over who he knew, some young woman, and she was chatting, very friendly, nice person, and she said, are you a comedian

as well? Oh, no. No, look, yeah. No, look, it's fine. Fine. Why am I getting the distinct impression it's anything other than fine? It's fine. Why am I sweating then? That's what I want to know. You are actually visibly sweating on your shirt.

No, it is fine now. It's absolutely fine. I would have absolutely ended my life at that moment. I thought about ending hers. No, no, I was fine with it. What did she think? She thought you were an accountant, Frank. She thought you were his financial advisor from Birmingham.

Yeah, maybe. He got a special deal. It's a bit cheaper because it's outside London. I did it very well. I did it in a kind of a... You didn't. I did. Did you ten minutes?

I would have done ten minutes. No. Killers. Killer. Tell us exactly how you responded. So I'll be the lady, okay? I'll come over. Oh.

So were you a comedian as well? Yeah. Yeah, you know. Yeah. Just like that. comedian as well? Yeah. Yeah, you know, yeah. Just like that. Sounds like you really gave us some zingers there. We'll have to take this shirt off now. It's actually just... I didn't have a CV with me. But anyway, it was...

And then afterwards, she was chatting. She's a young woman, very confident. In her ignorance. Oh! And I said, so what do you do? I thought, yeah, come on. Yeah. I said, so what do you do?

She said, I'm a producer. And I said... Can we just end the show now? Sorry, I've just been sick. Someone needs to clear this up here, definitely. And I said, oh, like've just been sick. Someone needs to clear this up here. And I said, oh, like David Furnish. Right.

Fair enough. Because I know exactly what you meant, but why do that? I know, but best of all, she said, who? And suddenly I felt better. I thought, well, at least if Furnish is in with me. Yes. Is she just like Keith Richards in that all popular culture

has just passed her by entirely? It's just a mishmash of... Well, she knew who Dave was. Oh. But I think he did say he was working with her dad or something like that. Perhaps I shouldn't be giving too much away. Often these people say they're producers and they're not really.

Don't get me wrong, she was nice. I'm sure she is a producer. She seemed a very nice person. I just, you know, no. Anyway, I'll tell you what it reminded me of. I had to do a thing recently for a TV thing and I had to dress up as a giant parrot in a shopping center and this lady didn't know who you were no no amazing i had to dress up as a giant parrot and ask people to sign a petition

and i i had to invent what the petition was for. And I was just, I had a giant, people just walked straight past me. They didn't even say no. They just walked straight past me. And because in the parrot suit, you couldn't see my face. Right. And I remember thinking, how did I live like this? How did I cope with people just walking past like that?

So it was a good term. It's all a good, you know, it's humbling. It's a great leveller. It's great for you. Great leveller, a parrot suit. I don't know if you find that. So anyone at home with, you know, if you've got a, say, if you've got a teenage child who's getting a bit full of themselves,

get them a parrot suit. Get them out there, and they'll see what it feels like to be obscure. OK, that's the parental stuff out the way. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Anyway, my shattered ego was raised up again when I spoke to someone from the Birmingham Post who told me that I feature on an owl. What do you mean? In the city centre. They've got a thing called the Great Hoot. A lot of cities do it now. You get the same animal appears all over the city with a different pattern on it.

Yes. You seen this before? Oh, yes. No, I don't venture outside London. Well, they've done it with elephants. I think they did it here. Yeah, lions, I think I've seen, all different colours. Have you had some lions?

Yeah. OK. Oh, I'm not sure you have. If there's anyone whose city has done lions in that way. Are you calling me a liar? A liar. I'll Google it. This is great stuff, guys.

Thanks. So that was the voice in my head. It came in there. So anyway. So you're an owl? There's an owl called Owlfred. Owlfred. Get it? Oh, strong, strong work.

And what they've done with it, they've sort of brought the Birmingham Walk of Fame to life. So it's plumage. Each of its feathers is a different Birmingham celebrity. Oh! Obviously they've had to repeat a bit. Yeah.

So they've got a noddy holder. So there's, you know, there's half a dozen noddy holders and, you know, three me's and 18 Aussie Osbournes and so on. And that is... Covering owls. That constitutes its plume. Gaspar Cara. Just one owl.

Is he on there? Oh, I'm sure he'll be on there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Owlfred. So I thought, well, that's something, isn't it? OK, that woman doesn't know who I am, but, you know, I'm represented in mop plumage.

And you're still... No-one can take that away from you, Frank. You're still on the Walk of Fame outside Flair's nightclub. Yeah. Don't you think that a feather is a sort of apt symbol for celebrity? Light. Could be blown away at any moment. club. Yeah. Don't you think that a feather is a sort of apt symbol for celebrity? Light could be blown away at any moment. Yes. Anyway. This is true.

And then I spoke to another woman from the Express and Star, which is the other local paper, and she wanted to send she wanted to send me a flag. The black country now has its own flag, which this had passed me by. See you loose, tight twin, you're down south.

Yeah. And I thought that's it. You know, I come from an area called the black country, which is outside of Birmingham. Called that because it was covered in soot during the Industrial Revolution. Anyway, so they said, she said, oh, it's a great, and it's a beautiful flag. It's sort of red and white.

Was it full size, the one they sent you? Well, it hasn't arrived yet. I'm checking the... Well, they've got to start it up. Yeah. And it's got chains across it, black chains across. Sounds like a sinister. And I thought I could, you know, I could fly out my house

and be a little message to anyone passing from the S&M community. But she said, will you fly? I said, do you promise you'll fly? I said, honestly. She said, OK, great. She said, there has been a suggestion that it celebrates the slavery, the slave trade. Right.

Because of the chains. Yeah, the chains. Symbolising slavery. Right. Because of the chains. Yeah, the chains. Symbolising slavery. What are the chains for? Well, because they used to make chains. In a place called, certainly in Criedley, but I think a few areas in the Black Country, they made chains.

That's what they did. And that was the most positive image they could think of for the place. Is it to remind people to lock up their bikes? Yeah. I mean, they could have found something nicer that came out of Birmingham, surely. It's not Birmingham, it's the Black Country.

This is the privacy, so it's about industry. Lisa Stansfield they could have had. She's lovely. She's gone all around the world. Don't get angry with me. There might be a Rochdale flag. Just because the subtleties are lost on me. Rochdale flag would be a pink background

with just a black kiss car coming down the middle. With Lisa on it. I don't think you can put a flag up in Hampstead with those chains on. Do you have a flagpole in your house? I can get one. OK. I've got a picture of the owl here on Twitter.

Oh, have you? Looks lovely. Can you spot me? I'll blow it up on Twitter. Oh, have you? Looks lovely. Can you spot me? I'll blow it up. Okay. No, don't blow it up. If it's blown up now, you'd at least be questioned, wouldn't you, by that? I don't know if it's been blown up, but Gareth hasn't claimed it. Yeah, you have to phone up after and say, yeah, I blew up the owl.

Just a point of speech. Yeah, you have to phone up after and say, yeah, I blew up the L. Yeah, the pro-slavery movement blew up the L. Can I say, by the way, that absolute radio are officially anti-the slave trade. I'm very glad you cleared that up. Yeah, whatever you may have heard. We're not... What are you saying? I hate it.

What the heck is wrong with you? I hate it, the slave trade. Good you? I hate it, the slave trade Good riddance Yeah, me too Is it one of your pet hates? Yeah I don't know that it's gone We shouldn't go into whether it's gone or not

No, of course we shouldn't It's bad Frank Skinner, Emily Dean, Gareth Richards The Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio So we've had a controversy in the world of sport this week. I imagine there's been several. In tennis. Am I a European tennis fan?

I'm not mega. No, I don't follow it myself, but it's... Well, that's the end of that conversation. So what have you been up to, Frank? You like tennis, don't follow it myself, but it's... Well, that's the end of that conversation. So what have you been up to, Frank? You like tennis, don't you? I can take all of it. It's not for us, is it? No, it's not for us.

No, it's a posh sport. I like the ceremony that goes with it. Yeah. You know, the clothes and things. Anyway, as you were. So, Nick Sirios... Kir nick sirios curious curious i've got it wrong already haven't i i've got it written down i've been practicing the names have you good on you well you know good on you embarrassing the main problem with this story is there's so

many so many names so many consonants involved 1970 many names. So many consonants involved. Oh, 1970s men. I mean, these foreigners and their names. No, but they are tricky. So, Nick Kyrgios. Yeah, what's our name? Stan Wawrinka. And I've shortened his first one to Stan. Why did you say shortened?

It's like that. I don't think you have to list the dramatic person out. It's not a Shakespeare play. Exit followed by a bear. I can put them in as we talk about. So what's happened is Nick Kyrgios is the new bad boy of tennis. Yeah.

Who was the last bad boy? John McEnroe has been the only ever bad boy. He was going back a bit. Andre Agassi was... He wasn't a bad boy. He wasn't a bad boy. He had long hair. Well, he didn't.

This was a problem. It was affixed to his baseball cap. Really? Yes, he's admitted that in his autobiography. Yeah, that's why you said... Remember that time you played in that game and he had a tam o' shantle on and he'd had his hair dyed ginger? Yeah.

And his rastafarian hair. He used to get so... Yeah. It does make sense now you mention it. And then he had that St Patrick's Day phase with that big foam hat. Do you know, in his autobiography, he said that when he was a baby, and he absolutely maintains this is true.

This is Agassi, by the way. Yeah, Andre Agassi. The AA man, as I call him. Your first name comes with him. Yeah. His dad made a mobile. Yeah. His dad made a mobile not as in a phone. He made

things that hang over a cot. He made one out of tennis balls and he got this little tennis toy tennis racket which he used to secure to Andre's baby hand, his podgy baby hand and Andre used to line his cot hitting at these tennis balls,

that's what he said. So he started training as a baby. Yeah. What about... Now, Mario Balotelli, the footballer, his dad hung a cow's behind over his thing and strapped a banjo to his hand.

Oh, what? And he never managed to make contact. I like that. No, but it's true about Agassi. That's what he says.

Mm. And a lot of them have got these mad parents, you know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, they're very ambitious. Ivan Lendl used to tie

Ivan up in the garden to make it so he had to practice and all that. You don't have to be tied up in tennis. He tied him to a post. He's on a lead, I think. On like a swing ball.

Maybe he was just playing swing ball. He couldn't go in, he had to. Terrible. How do you say that? He's done all right out of it. Oh, that makes it all right, doesn't it? This is the Joe Jackson argument. One of my dearest friends. Yeah. Nick, that makes it all right, doesn't it? This is the Joe Jackson argument. Yeah. One of my dearest friends. Yeah.

Nick Kyrgios, though. Oh, here we are. We're back there. Is he the bloke who killed the cat? He was playing Stan Wawrinka in tennis. Are you sure it's not Wawrinka? I'm sure. Julian Wawrinka. I listened to one news article and

noted how they said the names. You listened to one news article? What, Reuters, was it? Is that how you consume your news? You listen to it? Listen to a news article? I was listening to a very interesting news article the other day.

We'll have to come back to this. While Gareth gets his breath back. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. So, there's a tennis match between Wawrinka and Kyrgios. And Kyrgios, the new bad boy of tennis He wears pink headphones Yes, he does

Well, to be fair, that's not why he's the bad boy We'll get to that To put him off, so he's done some sledging Oh yeah Which I've discovered Is where you try and put off the opponent It's a cricket phenomenon Is it trash talking? Yeah, trash talking is a thing where you try and put off the opponent by saying... It's a cricket phenomenon.

Yes. I haven't heard of it in tennis. Is it trash-talking? Yeah, trash-talking. Yes, oh, it's mostly in cricket. OK, and what he said was, he said, now that he... I like the unprofessionalism. Imagine a tennis correspondent saying, oh, it's mostly in cricket.

OK. Yes. Anyway, carry on, Gav. Basically, so there's another tennis player called Kokanakis. Yeah. Too. Yes. Anyway, carry on, Gav. Basically, so there's another tennis player called Kokonakis. Yeah. Too much information. Thanks for the tip. Tanasi Kokonakis.

Yeah. Come on. I'm going to have to take care of it. You're better than that guy. So Kokonakis had the physical, he says, and I'm changing the word he used to add the physicals. He says, Kokonakis had the physicals with your girlfriend the physicals. He says, Kakanaga's had the physicals with your girlfriend. Sorry to tell you that, mate. In mid-game, he said that.

Yeah, during the game. That's my favourite bit. Sorry to tell you that, mate. I love that. Is he Australian? Yes. Yeah, he's Australian. And it's the perfect crime because at first he might have thought,

oh, he just said that to put me off. But then he pretended to apologize for saying it it's not the perfect crime because it got picked up by a microphone and broadcast around the world gareth it's very far from the perfect no but as tactics go it's a very good way of rattling someone mid isn't it yeah well i don't think i'd vote for that be on your mind wouldn't it yeah he could have come up with a better insult. What about yours, Frank? You've had some great ones. What about when you called Chico a foolish devil?

That would have been much better. That wasn't an insult. Did you play tennis with Chico? Yeah. It was... No, I think it's... We hear so much now about the will to win and all that. It's quite a clever tactic.

Is there a suggestion that it might be accurate or...? Well, Kokanakis did go out with Donna Vekic, who is the person who... Worst piece of gossip ever. ..who, for Rinka, is currently going out with her. Well, if he went out with her, he's just guessing, you just assume. That Polish Heat magazine. I actually subscribe to Polish Heat magazine. It's very good.

And Kyrgios and Kokanakis. Oh, God. Oh, stop it. What he said afterwards, what about when they approached him afterwards? And it was awful. I mean, I say awful Oh, stop it. What he said afterwards, what about when they approached him afterwards? And it was awful. I mean, I say awful, I loved it. You know, they asked him,

did you see the clip? Which, who they asked who? I have to say, they asked Curious. Oh, yeah. They said, we saw what you did. They basically confronted him with what he'd done. Did he say, see what I did then? Is he one of those people?

No, he came up with the most brilliant defence. He went, I don't know, I just said it. Well, you know, heat of the moment. Yeah. He said he was getting lippy with him. I feel sorry for the... Sorry, Gareth. No, no, come on. I was just going to say, yes, he said he was getting a bit

lippy with me, and I kind of said it in the heat of the moment. When do they have these conversations because they're quite a long way away from each other it's not is it just when they come up to the net yes when they come up to the net they have to shout at each other they save it up yeah there's an umpire in the middle on the high chair listening to everything so it's not good they're not going to get away with it on the high chair Has he got one of those trays with those cups that you can't spill? And a big bib on that says umpire.

If I was an umpire, I would get a bib that said umpire, which I wore for every game. They don't join in enough, the umpires. So when they go up to the net, we should be watching for what they're saying to each other. Yeah. They're coming out with all sorts. Your mother, under the pretext of keeping her bawdy house as a receiver of stolen goods.

And then back out, back out, and then you've broken that guy. Boom. He got fined £6,400. $10,000? Nothing to them, is it? He spends that on Calvin Classics in a year. Spends that on Pinkhead fans. It's only if you know that club.

Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, the woman involved in all this, the woman who's been gossiped about, I read a quote from her. She said, I don't want to be the next Sharapova or the next Wozniacki.

She says, I want to be the first me. She said, even though I do look like them. Now, that reminds me, Charlie's not in the room at the moment, but when Charlie first started, after three weeks, I could tell she was waiting. I could tell there was something on her mind. It was a terrible moment. She said, well, look, everyone I've worked with said I look like Hilary Duff.

I mean, she was furious with us. No, Frank, I don't even think she came straight out. What she said was, well, I think it's obvious who I look like. Yeah, I was like, oh, yeah, it was something like that. And she is, don't get me wrong, I can't really remember what Hilary Duff looks like. No, I don't know who that is. Well, Charlie's a stunner.

You don't know who he is. You know who he is. Not really. You don't know old Duffo. Oh, OK. Anyways, the thing is, if you look like somebody, you just have to be patient until someone else says it. You can't just come out with it.

So, saying that you look like Maria Sharapova is... Shh! She comes. She's back. She's come back in. Oh. Pardon me? I haven't noticed it before, but do you know who you look like, Charlie?

Sir Edmund Hillary. Hillary Duvet. It has gone a bit tensing in here, I must say. Yeah. I was talking to Emily about, there's a bloke, do you remember when Sharapova played Serena Williams? Yeah. Gareth Shakin.

I don't know why I looked at Gareth, obviously. But you know who they are. Do you know who they are, those two people? And it said there was a bit of an extra niggle because they'd both been out with the same bloke previously. I said to Emily, he's not a man who you could say

that he's really got a type. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards. Text the show on 81215. Follow the show on... Oh, my voice went a bit... Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

Went a bit nit and sawney. You're all right. You sound like Jeremy Paxman. I recognise the name. Yeah, he's a musician. Very famous musician. He's got one of those kind of a voice and I felt mine went into that.

Anyway, it's alright. Relax. Everything's okay. I'll tell you what I did this week. I think I feel slightly... I mean, I know it could be a Catholic thing. I felt very guilty that I'd taken part in... One is a global deception. Oh, go on. Which had never really struck me before.

JFK assassination. No, I was... You and your topicality. I was too busy waiting for Doctor Who was starting the next day. What was it? I wore trainer socks. Oh.

This week. Right. And I put them on, and I pulled them up a little bit high. The little stubby ones, yeah. So I pushed... You pulled them up high. I pulled them up a little bit high. The little stubby ones, yeah. So I pushed... You pulled them up high. I pulled them up a little bit too high.

So I prodded them in to the train. And I thought, it's the first time I realised they are a lie, aren't they, trainer socks? Why? Because what you're actually... You're pretending that you're not wearing socks. Yeah. Because, you know, it looks quite sexy.

You know, it's sort of Katie Hill. Sexy? Katie Hill on Blue Peter, you know. Thanks, Frank, but you in a trainer sock, sexy is not the word that springs to mind. Well, why deny that you're wearing socks? What's the motivation behind that? Oh, just a minute. Come on, Emily.

No, it's a bit like with tights, okay? It it's a bit like with tights It's not a bit like with tights If I'd been putting tights on this week I wouldn't feel like taking part in a deception It's a deception you're pretending those are your legs And they don't look like that The legs Do you see what I'm saying

The colour The evening out of all the blemishes The imperfections. But when you wear those socks, that is your legs. Yeah, it's your ankles. You're pretending you're not wearing socks. What you're saying is I'm the kind of person who can just chuck on a pair of trainers,

you know, just chuck them on, a pair of trainers, and I'm out. They're chucked on. And I don't have the kind of feet that would smell so much that I'd have to incinerate them after like a week. That's what you're saying. But of course, what you, the

truth is, that trainer sock is absorbing a hell of a lot of filth coming out of your pores. And then they get washed. But the idea that they hidden away, that means people are being pressured young people being pressured

into wearing trainers with no socks on, thinking that that's what we're all doing. It's a lie. That's what I hate about it. I blame David Beckham because he went foot commando very early on in the early doors. Yeah but it it's all right for professional sports people

because they can get free stuff. So he can use footwear like disposable contact lenses. He can just bin them at the end of the day. You're not in that position. No, I couldn't live with that. I used to win. We used to have these, when I was at college, we used to have these sweaty foot competitions

because we had a wooden, one of those, what do they call them? Parquet floors. Oh, yeah. A wooden floor. But it was like a matte finish, you know, it wasn't varnished. And if you put your feet on it and take them away, it's all a bit Man Friday.

That's why they started varnishing them, I yeah they're not varnish that's just perspiration so we'd sit and we'd we'd take a shoe off and we'd all put our foot in so we put it like seven or eight feet in a line on this wooden floor and then you took your foot away and whoever made the darkest mark won the sweaty foot competition and um how are things on the dating front i was like steve davis in 1981 i want i mean no one could get anywhere near me you know people say how it's bad that kids are just on ipads and phones i'm not sure i could honestly say we made our own entertainment in those days. Frank, Emily and Gareth.

Alan's in Edinburgh at the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. We were just talking about... Well, I was talking about the sweaty foot competition, which no-one's seen. And then Daisy, our producer, used to fly noughts and crosses on her... Was it on the back of your hand?

No. On your forearm? Just on dry skin, so you'd just scratch your skin. Paper was expensive in the West. Yeah, another reason why the iPad is a good invention, that children no longer have to scratch their own skin for fun. And then, emily what did you play we played a game on uh coach journeys um i say coach it was an air conditioned horses

yeah no what would happen is um they would say let's play farmers right and someone would take no one knew what that meant someone would put on a up to their armpit rubber glove. This is the right forum for me to be talking about this. It's like a shish kebab. Someone, stop it Gareth, would take so they'd take your forearm, the back of your forearm

and then they'd say, the farmer ploughs the fields, and they'd scratch you all up the forearm. Not scratch, not a break in skin. Yeah, deep, bloody indentations. This is a bit Nightmare on Elm Street. Bloody indentations. Yes. And then they'd say, and then he plants the seeds,

and then they'd poke into the indent plants the seeds and then they poke into the indentations pinching you right um i can't remember what he did then i think irrigation was involved or something else but i came home with my arm i mean it wasn't a pretty sight no that's a different that's bullying that is isn't it yeah i bet you looked forward to that wait when you were lying fallow. I felt vindicated this week because, as you know, I'm reading Caitlin Moran's book, How To Be A Woman. Are you still reading that? You've been reading that for about a month. How long does it take you?

Yeah, you've only got the heels so far. Well, with articles, I have to have them read to me. No-one's reading this book to me. OK. And she talked about a game. I remember talking to you guys on the show about before, and both of you denied any knowledge of this game. What was it?

But she had played this game as a child, so I know it's a thing. It's where you're at a party and there's a chocolate bar in the middle. I don't like this. This doesn't involve Marianneaithful, does it? I got that reference. Thank you. You have to put a hat and a scarf and gloves on. If you roll a six, there's a dice. If you roll

a six, you have to put a hat and scarf and gloves on, and then you've got a knife and fork, and then you have to try and eat the chocolate with the knife and fork and the gloves and scarf, because that makes it harder. Why does the scarf make it harder? Well, because you have to put it on. It's scarf, because that makes it harder. Why does the scarf make it harder? Well, because you have to put it on. It's just the time to put it on.

You've got to put the whole outfit on. Oh, there's a time limit, is there? Before you can start trying to... And then the next person, everyone's trying to roll a six round in the circle. Why are they trying to roll a six? Because if you get a six, you get to put the hat and the scarf and the gloves on. I don't want to put the hat and the glove on.

I'd rather not. I'll dispense with the dice, and I don't have to roll the six. There glove on. I'd rather not. I'll dispense with the dice and I don't have to roll the six. There's a snowman at the window looking in thinking, I'm freezing here, can I get my clothes back? So, yeah, so, okay. What's your time limit? A mini? Well, no, it's the time until the next person rolls a six. Oh, until the next six?

And it's a chocolate on a plate? And neither of you have ever heard of this, yes. No, because it's not a thing. Is it called something? No. Oh, okay. It, because it's not a thing. Is it called something? No. Oh, okay. It's hardly Farmer's Arms, like my game. Yeah, or Sweaty Feet Game. Didn't you mail self-harming? Self-farming.

Cell farming. Because they use the cells, the skin cells. Can I just say Absolute Radio does not condone that or encourage it. No, don't do that, please. No. No. If we play God stuff, even. Definitely not.

Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It struck me that what they could have done on The Voice is if he hadn't have said anything, Tom Jones, is that if the BBC just not ever mention that he's left, they'd just have a chair that never turns round. Like, Tom's really just...

He just doesn't like any of this stuff. Anyway. I'll tell you who we haven't mentioned for a while on this show. Mussolini. No, he often gets a look in. Roberta Williams. Oh, yeah, Robbie. Last seen giving you some advice, Frank, in the doctor's surgery.

In the doctor's waiting room, yeah. Indeed. Oh, no, and he also live-tweeted his child's birth, didn't he? We heard from him then. I think so, yeah. But he's recently admitted that he lied in order to get himself out of a parents' evening. He said he's scared of meeting people.

He said, I don't like that many people. Right. Does he give a number? That many? Well, he said it'd either take a valium in order to go, that would be the only way he'd get through it, or he'll pretend that he's got to be in the studio. So that's what he did.

OK. He said, I don't like that many people. I think he means not a specific amount of people. He doesn't like many people in general. So, I mean, this isn't the best... He means a crowd of people. No, I think he... He means that there's not many people who he likes.

Oh, I see. I think... Well, he's not giving them a chance. Well, no, that's the point. He doesn't want to give them the chance. Or he's on sedatives. That's no way to judge people. He says, it's rare I get into the room and go,

yeah, I like that person and that person. Well, no, it doesn't work a lot. Well, he's certainly used to do that in the old days. And then he'd just have two people go over with nets. And they'd be taken away. But you can't, you don't do that, do you? I don't go over

and say I like that person. You talk to them a bit and then I say I don't like them. Yeah. You should get to know people before judging them. He's going to end up like me. And you have to go to parents' evening, don't you? Oh, yeah. Do you?

Oh, I wish you told my parents that. Well, you're supposed to go. Yeah, I think there's a certain obligation. I hated a parents' evening. I've done it from... I did it when I was, like, teaching, if you could call it that. Teaching. I did it from that side of you and you

get those parents come up to you and start saying you know oh kirsten has been a bit blah blah blah and i'm thinking who is that is that what happens yeah who is that one is that the one with that what would you do just make it up well you had to look at them look at the mom and think oh that looks a bit like that. Oh, that's awful. I mean, you knew most of them, but there's always the ones that never speak in anything, so you just don't know who they are. Oh, yeah. And he has made the mistake also of telling a lie

and then talking about it in the newspaper. So the next time... They're not going to like him now, are they? No. He's going to look around the room and go, that person hates me, that person hates me. Well, he won't be be there he'll be at the studio no no he isn't oh he's complete why does he send this if you're gonna lie you gotta stick with it oh lie big hitler exactly yeah also i i was looking at that article and I'd forgotten how many tattoos he's got.

Oh, he's got a lot of tattoos. I don't know. I mean, I can't picture him as a parent's evening. I think if you go to a parent's evening, it's a nursery. Ideally, there should be more pictures on the wall than there are on the parents. He's a rock star. They don't play by our rules, Frank, these people.

So what I did, I googled his tattoos to see what he's got on there. Really? And the one that really blew my mind... What time were you doing this? It can't come in. You're sitting there typing in Robbie plus Williams plus tattoos plus body. Robbie Williams, topless, tats. It blew my mind. Robbie plus Williams plus tattoos plus body. That would really give me the creeps. It blew my mind.

Because he's got written on one arm, he's got 10, 23, 1, 1, 0, 2, 3. What's that? Well, I was astonished when I found out what it was. Does he hate the oppressive 12s? Is that what time he sets his alarm? Yeah. He's actually got an alarm built into his arm in a microchip.

That'd be good, wouldn't it? Shall we work out what the 10.23 is? 10 slash 10.23. OK, 10.23. You have to tell me at the end, after this break. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. So, Robbie Williams has got 10.23 on his arm. Why?

Well, guys, do you want to guess first? Is it the best mark he ever got in a spelling test, 10 out of 23? No. Is it how many of the polyphonic spree he went out with in the glory days? And out of 23? He went out with ten of them, didn't he? Ten of them, yeah. You see, you've gone a bit mock the week, is it?

Whereas I, I'm actually going to some serious guesses here. Good, I respect you for that. Is it, is 10.23 the day that that Sorry to put a downer on things But is that the day he gave up alcohol perhaps Erm No The other way round You know the American way round Yes

23rd of the 10 Is it his wife's birthday No Is it the day he met his wife No Is it when he got abducted by aliens No Is it when he left Tech That

No Should I tell you what it is Are we close? No. I think we'll just keep guessing. Can you just give us more time? I don't know if it's great telly. Well, we're on radio.

That's embarrassing. Go on, then. People at home saying he still thinks he's on telly. Oh, shall I wait and see if anyone's texted it in? No, no. Let me tell you. All right. Oh, God.

Goodness. The 10th letter of the alphabet and the 23rd letter of the alphabet. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J. J. J. And then the 23rd. K, 11. K.

K, 11. No. K, 11. Exactly. That's the answer. No. It's J. W.

W. J and W. And it's the initials of Jonathan Wilkes. It's not. It is. He's friend, Jonathan Wilkes. You are joking. No, that's what it is.

I love that. That's extraordinary. It is. Have you got four and two for David Baddiel? No. Oh, is he not? What is he? I am completely ink free. Okay. That's because I'm friends free. David Baddiel? No. Oh, is he not? What is he?

I am completely ink free. Okay. That's because I'm friends free. That's extraordinary. That is pretty remarkable, isn't it? I mean, I don't know if he still mates with John. You remember Jonathan Wilkes, do you? Gareth, you're looking at me a bit confused. I have got a vague memory, but what was his profession?

He used to do You've Been Framed. He was Robbie's mate. Yeah. He was Robbie's mate. Yeah. Robbie's mate. Yeah. He got work on the strength of it. Sort of if you want to have a tattoo but you don't want anyone to be able to tell what it means. Well it's like if Gazza had JFB

on his arm. Jimmy Five Burley. Yeah. I'm having to tell Gazza. Yeah. Well it's not. It's like if he had. Yeah. I'm having to tell her. Yeah. Well, it's not. It's like if he had... Yeah. The number thing is a bit strange, though. Is he embarrassed of his friendship with him?

Why code it? Well, if he's embarrassed, why have it as a tattoo? If you came home and had 4-2 in reference to David Baddiel, honestly, and then you had to explain it to Kath, what on earth would she say? I think she'd be confused and upset. You know, as usual. But, yeah, he's also got a Chaconne à son goût across his chest,

which means to each their own taste. Oh, yeah. Which is sort of his way. It's in big letters, like he's saying, you know, I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea. It's a bit... I think he needs to be more confident. What language is that in?

That's French. Oh, we don't know. Whatever it is, it'll be spelt wrong. They always are, these people. No, no, I think it looks good to me. Well, how do you know? You don't know if it's spelt right. My French is impeccable.

And his is on his peckables. Frank Skinner, Emily Dean, Gareth Richards. The Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. On the subject of tattooed dads, David Beckham has also been in the news this week about his parenting um harper harper harper beckham harper beckham was seen out with a dummy give him a break he's doing his best hey hey i could be on whatock the Week. So, Harper Beckham has been in the news. Is it? With a dummy.

It's his dad. Her dad. All right, stop shouting. It's early in the morning. No, it's very good. He's excited. The joke worked. Back on the radio.

Coming back, baby. Yeah, but you're not happy with it. You're reaching for Mock the Week. I can tell that. Also, I didn't like it when you said coming back, baby! Yeah, but you're not happy with it. You're reaching for Muck the Week. I can tell that. Also, I didn't like it when you said, Coming back, baby. That was awful. Yeah, so anyway, she's four, I think, Harper.

She is. And David Beckham was seen out with her and she had a dummy in. A pacifier, as I believe they call it. Yes, he called it a pacifier, which I don't like very much. He's Yankee Dougal now, isn't he? He's not an American man, is he? No. Not from America.

I was angry that he called it. When I hear the word pacifier, I think of the conciliation service ACAS. I think of me in this studio. Yeah. Or the ombudsman. Whatever happened to the ombudsman? These people were on the news every five minutes when I was a kid.

The conciliation service I had cast were always brought in to sort out disputes. And the banking ombudsman. My friend's dad was the banking ombudsman. I was so proud. He was an superhero. No one in my family has ever known an ombudsman. No, I don't think anyone. We knew half of him, but we didn't know any ombudsman.

Yeah. Is there still an ombudsman? Why is the ombudsman? No, I don't think anyone. We knew half him, but we didn't know any ombudsman. Yeah. Is there still an ombudsman? Why is the ombudsman? What does he do? I think he pacifies as well. Yeah. Does he? Does he say, all right?

Does he say, calm down, calm down, essentially? It's a very good question. If there's anyone in who can, not in, but listening, who can explain. Anyone? Maybe Ike. I still exist. But anyway, I know what they do. Yes.

But the ombudsman, I think, comes in and pacifies. Do you think they have discussions like this on the Andrew Marr show? What does the ombudsman do? Does anyone know? I know what would happen on shows like that. They would all talk as if they knew what the ombudsman was. And then as soon as the show ended, they'd Google it. But we lay our ignorance out on a...

No, it's not a table. It's more of one of those carving blocks you get in a nice kitchen. I wear mine like a Hawaiian lei. Do you? Yes. A Hawaiian lei? Yeah. Lovely. Anyway, so yes, he was upset because he was criticized for giving

because he doesn't like being in the papers no he's shy this means that someone sold david beckham a dummy yeah after all these years but what do you think about it? Well, people, the Daily Mail printed the picture of Harper with a dummy and said that, I mean, the advice that you're given as a parent is that kids shouldn't have a dummy by the age of four. Why's that? Because it can affect the mouth growth of teeth. Can it? The mouth growth? It can make your teeth wonky and stuff like that.

And I think that's the main gist of it yeah i'm sure that that he wouldn't bulk at getting her teeth fixed true yeah oh it's all nonsense oh so it's it's looked down on isn't it when are you meant to stop is it after a certain period of time then yes after a certain period of time then? Yes, after a certain period of time. OK, thank you for that. Thank you for confirming that, Gary. We didn't use one with Boz, but I think the idea is that in the early days when they cry a lot,

they just put a cork in the sound. That's basically the theory. Oh, yeah. Mickey Flanagan told me that on the estate he used to live in in East London, if the kids were, you know, like that. And not that sort of estate. No. Council estate.

Oh, OK. Not downtown. He said they used to waft them over the unlit gas ring. Wow. Until they got a bit sleepier. He must have been pulling my leg. Surely. Not totally certain he was, but hey.

So, yeah, he got into... And he was furious, Beckham. Absolutely furious. He looks very cross. Yeah. In front of the cameras. People are touchy about parenting skills. That's, you know... Yeah, because he's often Dad of the Year.

Is he really? Yeah. He said you have no right to criticise me as a parent. He says you've got no right to criticise me as Dad of the Year. Why didn't he say that? I'm Dad of the Year. I make the rules. I don't know if he's Dad of the Year this year,

but he has previously been Dad of the Year. Was that the same year when Kerry Kotonina was Mum of the Year? Very possibly. He could have listed. So much energy she's got. What if he listed his Dad of the Year things, though? I was Dad of the Year. I was Dad of the Year 2004, 2005, 2000.

When I was. Get your medals on the table if you're going to tell me. I've never even been observed for Dad of the Year. How do you know that? He might have been observed. They could be looking at you now. Secret shopper. He might have been observed and then rejected out of hand.

Frank, it's like when you were Rear of the Year. No one can ever criticise your rear. Well, you say that. That year. My, yeah, I haven't managed to keep up the standards. I think it looks good. I'd say it's essentially broken. It's broken free of its moorings.

Drifting. Yeah, it is drifting somewhat. But it can still be seen from the mainland, but it's not what it was. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I just say 704 has texted to say, Frank, there is still an ombudsman

and I might have to see him very soon. OK. Is that a threat? I love the show. Yeah, that's nice. That's for John. You included praise. Sorry about the praise, I forgot.

But I like to get praise, but I don't like to read it out. No, I know. OK. The ombudsman. Why would you say the ombudsman? Trouble. Trouble at mill. Financial malpractice.

Malpractice. So, David Beckham, Dad of the Year, he's cross about being criticised about Harper. Yeah. He doesn't like people messing with his dad reputation. But, good news... I bet he was worried about that set of Watchmen coming out. Because Harper, I think he named after Harper Lee, didn't he?

Oh, really? Oh, yeah. His favourite book that he's heard about is To Kill a Mockingbird. It is also a movie. Yeah. So maybe that helps. And I bet he was a bit worried that the other book would be like a real horrible thing.

And Harper, this is the trouble, you see, with naming them after the living. Well, that's it. Is she living? No, she's dead. No, no, no, she's still... Oh, I see, with naming them after the living. Well, that's it. Is she living? No, she's dead. No, no, no, she's still... Oh, is she? She's still hanging in there.

I thought she'd have been on Loose Women, plugging the book. I don't think she's in a position to be. But good news for David Beckham this week. He's in the new Guy Ritchie movie. Men From Uncle? Yes, The Men From Uncle. He's got a part in that. Guy Ritchie movie. Men From U.N.C.L.E.? Yes, the Men From U.N.C.L.E. He's got a part in that. He plays a projectionist.

I like Gareth being the showbiz correspondent. Projectionist? He's just in, yeah. He plays a projectionist, which you can sort of imagine. I can't imagine it. Well, you won't have to. No, I can go and see. Go and see Men from uncle and what

would be great if the premiere when you walk in you walk past the projectionist room and it's david becker they should do that as a bit of a one of their little jokes um and but guy richie's um review of his performance is that he said he's a fabulous actor there you go fabulous got kwan he's been drinking from got kwan's cup i can believe it though because footballers do quite a lot of acting yes really in the course of yeah all that being injured stuff and that it's quite convincing playing football yeah but it's a lot harder than acting. Well, I can't say Jose Mourinho. No, so you don't need the doctor to go on. Often they do a real good job,

and when they get up, they do a bit of that straight in the sock. Yeah, I love it when they do that. And they've had no pain at all. Wow. When I did Doctor Who, I think I drew a lot on my supplementary benefit office performances. In the 80s. You know what I mean? You've got to use everything. So he'll be fine as long as

he has a part where he has to trip over a lot, maybe. Yeah. I bet you in the projectionist thing, he bangs his foot and suddenly goes down rolling about. Goes down really hard. Yeah, exactly. Then he gets up and just, they're doing that thing, they're starting toened the boot at.

Oh, they always grab their face as well. Stop grabbing their face. Ah, senior projectionist! Senior projectionist! You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio.

Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards. Text the show on 8... I was trying to fight it, but I'm talking through a film. Oh, thanks. I hate it when people talk through the film. I hate it when they refer to it. Text the show

on 8-12-15, if you will. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, if you like. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website, if you fancy it. Yes. It's been a big week for my hometown of Bournemouth this week.

Is it because it's your first week in the Premier League? No, it's this week. I didn't know that that started. You'll know soon enough when the town feels like it's been hit by a Viking invasion. Yes, no, they were in the Guardian.

There's an article about Bournemouth in the Guardian and apparently it's the new up and coming place to go and start a business yeah you sound like a candidate on The Apprentice trying to pitch something pitching Bournemouth

yeah instead of Silicon Valley it's the Silicon Beach but I think it's not sand, not actually made of silicon. Does that a silicon beach okay but i think it's not actually sand not actually made of silicon does that mean you've got a big sort of uh computer industry there yeah there's a big media it's a digital hub and they want it to be one of the top 20 digital global hubs oh let me know how that works out that would be nice for you the bungalow is going to go up in

value frank you're still in that bungalow no we're not in the bungalow's going to go up in value, Frank. Are you still in that bungalow? No, we're not in the bungalow now. Oh, where are you now? We've got a masonette. Lovely. Yes. Bungalow still, Frank. I suppose we've got a masonette.

A bungalow by any other name. Because my girlfriend's called Mason and she has a child. Is he a masonette? Yeah. Or if she had backing singers, they would be the Masonettes. Yeah, they would, yeah. Have you got a garden? Yes.

Okay. I mean, it's not... Ideally, we would like a grassy space for the children to play, but it's paved. Okay. And overgrown with bamboo. We need to get a panda. Let's not talk about our unattainable dreams.

Panda. Let's not talk about our unattainable dreams. And Derek Newland, which is the bit I'm excited about. Is that an area? No, Derek Newland. He's the artistic director of Pavilion Dance Southwest. Oh, yeah. Didn't you even know that, Frank?

Pavilion Dance Southwest. Get with it. OK. Bournemouth is moving up from a place where people came to die it's not going to be on the south coast anymore that's not going to help the tourist industry you're not by the beach anymore but don't you do about 20 minutes about it being a place where people go to die

in your act yeah you're going to have to change your act nightmare you're going to have to bring in software okay so if you've got any jokes about Bournemouth being a thriving digital hub, text in now to Absolute Radio. I imagine a lot of the old people wear software. Yeah, definitely.

Anyway, Derek Newland said, it's moving up for a place where people came to die or build siren castles to a place that will be the cutting edge of creativity in the 21st century. Wow. Brilliant. Well, you say this but um i saw this story right and i decided to look in is it called the bournemouth echo yes do you want to know what the three top stories are in the bournemouth echo yeah someone had a small car accident after being distracted by a spider that That's got to be you, Gareth. We do get big spiders. Okay, that was the main story. Really big spiders.

The second story was a former Curry's is being taken over by a toy store. Okay. And the third story was someone left a pan on and the fire brigade were called out but it was a false alarm. Okay. Well, that's good, isn't it?

Because that means they can concentrate on their technology because nothing else is happening. Any place where you're swerving to avoid a spider is not somewhere I want to live. That sounds terrifying. How big are we talking? They do seem to get... Particularly in the bungalow, we had big spiders back in the bungalow. Because they knew there was no stairs to take on, they were drawn in.

I once saw a spider so big and I was so frightened by it. You know, when you, I had a physical reaction where I could hear

my blood pumping through my ears. Oh, yeah, yeah. Such a strong physical reaction. What did you do? Wrestle it to the ground? I just,

my head. Oh, okay. Swerved. You attacked it, didn't you? You attacked it? No, we used to catch them and then catch them under a glass. But that one, I had to get it under a bowl and then run down the street to disorient it.

That must have been in the echo. Surely. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Frank, I don't know, how do you find being a performer and how does your partner respond to having to comment upon your work? Well, she, Cathy's my sternest critic. Really? Certainly.

Yes. And she will say, I mean, I once did a pilot for a show and it wasn't great I'll be honest and I was anxious that she was in the audience and I knew she wouldn't lie so she came over I thought what's she going to say

and she said they did a great job of covering up that spot and that was all she said she'd found the plus but that was it so no she if she likes it and that was all she said. She'd found the plus, but that was it. Oh, no. So, no, she... If she likes it, great, but if she doesn't, she'll tell me. Yeah, I'm often conscious if Laura's in the audience and I just think about her cringing at my every word.

And I've been in the studio this week working on a recording of one of my comedy songs. Look, if you don't want to come to the parents' evening, just say it. Oh, it you don't want to come to the parents' evening, just say it. Oh, it's the old studio switch room. It was up to, well, it's upstairs in our upstairs room. It's not a real studio.

But I spent all day working on... That's quite an achievement in the bungalow, though. It's not in the bungalow, either. Oh, it's in the Maisonette. But I'd spent all day working on it, so I wanted some feedback. Because the good thing about stand-up is you get straightaway feedback. Of course.

But with other things, you don't get feedback unless... And Laura's like, oh, I've heard that song before. You know, what do you want me to say? Oh, you're a genius. And I'm like, just listen to it. I thought you said it was a new song. No, it's a new recording of a song That I've done previously in a show

But I've never recorded it before So I was like, look Because Laura gets self-conscious with me Watching her for a reaction So I said, well, we'll just start it And then I'll go out of the room And you can listen to it And she's like, I've heard it before though

And I said, no, I've done new stuff in the second verse I think you'll like it. It's experimental. If you don't mind me saying, you sound very high maintenance. And that's coming from me. I think that would be fair. I've married a lovely, easygoing person. To balance that out. Have you still got that sign on your door that Laura put up for you

that says, keys, wallet, and all that? This is absolutely true, Frank, isn't it? I don't have that anymore. OK. But it is still necessary. Yes. OK. So I sat her down and got her to listen to it.

And I'm going to play you what she heard. Are you? And you're going to hear the chorus and then into the experimental second verse um and this is unbearable the song is a it's a breakup song yeah and it's a song the conceit of it is a man has been broken up with and everything reminds him of the girl and um and there's a he finds something particularly in his fridge there's goes in the fridge, and something smells funny, and he finds out that it's the last thing that she bought him.

OK. I have it on my desk. Shall I play it? Yeah, you can roll it. I'm going to turn my chair around like Tom Jones in The Voice already. Well, if he'd have been left in the fridge, he'd still be in the show. It's called This Ham Is On The Turn. Oh, OK. Just like Tom.

Oh. This ham is on the turn. It's on the turn. This is the chorus. We left it too late. You'd think that we'd learn. You'd think that we would learn, learn, learn, learn. Into verse two. What's happened?

Oh, no. What's happened? The file corrupted. Oh, no. But Laura's left by herself listening to it. She thinks I'm having a breakdown. How long did it go on for? It went on for the duration of the three-minute song.

I thought that was an 80s special effect. I thought you were going into... I quite like it. For everything turned, turned. Oh, dear. But she listened patiently and said, oh, I'm not sure about you just saying turn over and over. Right.

Yeah. I'm sorry, about you just saying turn over and over. Yeah. I'm sorry, but... It was a disaster. Frank's turned his chair. You turned? I'm going to turn my chair. Oh, no, they're all on the turn. My chair is on the turn.

Yeah, well... Look, ten out of ten for effort. I like it. Yeah, no, that isn't how I meant it to sound. But it's fabulous production as well. It's kind of dreamy. It's not fabulous production. I liked it. It, no, that isn't how I meant it to sound. But it's fabulous production as well. It's not fabulous production. It was awful. No, I didn't like that bit, but it was dreamy, wasn't it?

Dreamy sounding. I felt like we were in contact with another civilisation. Oh. I'll take that as a positive review. We'll be flooded now with people trying to get... He might get a record deal. Imagine if Simon Cowell, Psycho, might call in. It's not...

Well, I'm open to offers. I tell you, I bet you Susan Boyle has covered that before the end of the week. This hammer's on the turn. Yeah. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Boys, there's been a rather strange conscious coupling, I'm going to call it, of late recently.

Conscious coupling? Yeah, as opposed to conscious uncoupling. Oh, yes. Or unconscious coupling. When people are unconscious, that's not good at all. No, no. Just get back to the bungalow. No, no, no.

That would be a good catchphrase if me and Gareth were a double act. Get back to the bungalow. No, no, no. That would be a good catchphrase if me and Gareth were a double act. Get back to the bungalow. It's a masonette! Are you familiar with the work of Ed Sheeran? Well, I say that. I can't name... I don't think I could name anything he's done, probably. Lego house.

Class A team. Stop talking about your property portfolio again. I thought you said it was Amazonette a minute ago He's the very sweet little red headed one Yes I know he is, he's massively successful I'm aware of that Sorry if I downplayed him

He's a little bit Middle Earth which I like about him in the nicest possible way but in fairness he's meant to be I've heard this said of him he's meant to call the nicest man in pop the kindest man kind i love that you don't hear that word used much about celebs kind he's very kind that's true good is he kind have you got any examples of his kindness suddenly under a terrible pressure you see once you used to news articles i have actually how was he kind for example once he um ed was like walking through a mall

yeah in a mall he was in a mall and this girl was singing one of his songs she was like singing one of his songs yeah and ed said oh my singing one of his songs? Yeah, and Ed said, oh, my God, she's singing my song. So he got up with her and took her by surprise. You're joking. I'm in a mall. Unconscious coupling. And he serenaded her, and he ended up singing the song with her. That is kind.

Kind of him. Exactly. He's always doing stuff like that. I have to say, since I've had a ginger child, I have become so pro-ginger. So even though I don't know his stuff, I'm just happier that he's doing well. Do you think ginger men are kind?

I think all ginger people. That's an extraordinary question. Not all ginger men. Sorry, are you six years old? Who asks that? Are all ginger men kind? I'm just happy years old? Who asks that? Are you ginger men kind? I'm just happy that... You're talking with a toddler.

I am sort of to gingers. I like to say I'm childlike. You know how... And we love you for it. ...how Joanna Lumley was with the Gurkhas. That's how I am with gingers. I'm sort of their champion. She loved those guys.

Never mind all this. Or Susan Sarandon with the Brutal Murderers. Oh, yeah, and Lord Longford. He was a fan of them. Yeah, I'm sort of like that with the gingers. He loved the psychopath Lord Longford. Did he? Yeah.

Bless him. Frank, Emily and Gareth. Alan's in Edinburgh. The Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. We were talking about Kindest Man in Pop. Kieran. Kind Ed Sheeran. Yeah.

So he has now been linked with Nicole Scherzinger. You know her? Yes. Former pussycat doll. Hot like me. And shemazing judge on the x-factor yes do you say shemazing yes that's what she says she was one of her catchphrases she said shemazing he could use that as well yeah i thought it was i thought it was a yiddish thing but it's not apparently

i thought she was talking my language it's not yiddish I don't think she uses a lot of Yiddish Nicole she went out with Lewis Hamilton of course and then she got bored of his constant endless after dinner anecdotes Peter Ustinov you can't keep him quiet

stop it Lewis wouldn't you be a bit self conscious about your driving if you were going out with Nicole? I mean, on the motorway, she'd be going, come on, you're waiting for her. Oh, and I wouldn't like that. I don't think I could go out with someone who'd been out with an F1. Well, there's an age gap.

Is there? Yeah. She's 37. He's 24. Oh. Age gap. is that yeah she's 37 he's 24 he age gap and is it unkind to say that there there is a discrepancy in attractiveness i mean i don't know who i am to say you obviously don't understand celebrity how do you mean well in a way he's more attractive because he's doing better. I beg your pardon? Well, obviously, it doesn't always apply.

You're saying he's become more attractive because he's successful? Yes, I am saying that. Yes. So let's hope he stays successful. Yeah. Well, I hope so, certainly. Because he's the kindest man in pop. Yeah, I'm glad that he's sort of sticking the ginger flag in there,

if you know what I mean. Yes, I am as well. Yeah. No, I mean, it's not what I... No! They're just in the early stages of dating, Frank. No, I mean, he has climbed, you know, the mountain of beauty and says, you know...

Don't call a lady a mountain. No, but I'm just saying that he's... Climb every woman. It's great that a guy who might have been dismissed in the past when he was in the chip shop queue is now a guy who can go with the most beautiful women in the world. Yeah. He's done good.

Yeah. It's hot. Does he get out on that again? Is he getting hotter, or is it me? Ginger flaggate. They went to the pub in Suffolk. Yeah, he knows. I hate it when really successful celebrities go to the pub.

Do you? Why? They only go to the pub, don't they? So it'll be in the paper they've been to the pub. They don't want to go to the pub. I don't buy that at all. I wonder if she wore a baseball cap. I wonder if he had a ginger beer. I thought you'd be nice to gingers.

No, I'd do it. I'd jump in. I'd rub my nose in it a bit. Well, Dave Davenport has texted us to say, I support your pro-ginger movement. We've been looking for someone to unite us for many years. We shall rise up and take back what was ours. You see, and it's interesting that, although my beard is what it was,

it's gone a bit more Kenny Rogers now. Do you know Kenny Rogers? No, but thanks for the tip. He, I think it's interesting that I feel that I can lead the gingers out of there because that's the way it works in revolutions. The middle classes go to the poor and rise them up.

So yes, that's my theory. You're sort of a ginger ombudsman. I'm not sure about that. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We've just had a text in from Mark saying

Robbie has 10.23 for Jonathan Wilkes and he has 18.23 for Robbie Williams. Oh, nice. I don't know whether Mark's just made that up. Well, Ed Sheeran, who we were just talking about, he's got one of those bro tattoos where, you know, the idea is that two guys go and get, or they get tattoos

that reflect each other like that. Oh, yeah. And Ed Sheeran has got that arrangement with Harry Styles. Has he? Wow. Can you guess what they've both got on? I don't think you'll get it. I don't think you'll get it. Is this one of your lives?

Like when you worked in James Bond's house or something as a cleaner? No, no. It was... They've both got pingu. Have they? Yeah. Oh, those guys. Yeah, they're crazy.

They haven't really. Yeah. Oh, that's pathetic. Ed has got... That's absolutely pathetic. Why? Because they're grown men. They don't have pingu.

Not really. They're not really grown men, are they? Is Harry Styles grown men. I have pink hair. Not really. He's 24. They're not really grown men, are they? Is Harry Styles 20 yet? You should know better. Daisy, the producer's just admitted, she's the only person in the studio. I'm going to guess what she's got. She's got ink.

I can see. I can see the spider web on her face. She's got a panther crawling up her cleavage. What? I'll tell you what she's got. I'm going to guess. Go on. I bet she's got a daisy on her leg.

Am I right? A daisy? I bet it is. Of course. Am I right? I've got two. Two? Oh, my goodness.

Anchor. Anchor on the arm. Anchor. What about this? I saw... I was looking at... Because I've got slightly tattoo obsessed this week, I looked at David Beckham's list of tattoos, which is a long list.

How many has he got then? Many. And he's got on his stomach, he's got a very sort of moving picture of Jesus sort of crouched down from a painting called The Man of Sorrows. And I thought, well, that is really quite a moving picture. And he's got a few moles on his stomach as well. Lovely. And the newspaper, the headline for it was Holy Mole.

God! I like it when they integrate the mole into the tattoo. Yeah, he didn't really. If I had a tattoo, you know who I'd get to do it for me? Do you remember the woman who painted over that fresco in the church? Yes, she turned Jesus into an Eskimo. Yeah, I'd get that done.

Well, Ed Sheeran has recently had an enormous tattoo on his chest. A really, really big lion. Oh, yeah. Has he? Massive lion, yeah. Well, they stick together, the gingers. massive lion, yeah. Well, they stick together, the gingers.

This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Frank, have we got time for a quick visit? What, to Email Corner? No, I was going to go to the bathroom, actually. Oh, OK, fine. No, Email Corner. Sure. Email Corner. What's happening?

sure there's been a few changes around here I think I just had a stroke that's my new don't you like it the new jingle I just wasn't expecting it just because it's me doing it anyway I'll read the first email Gareth

hi Frank, Alan, oops, and Emily. Very funny programme the other week. I laughed out loud at Frank's baby lizard joke. Not really, I just wanted him to feel happier, but I did get it straight away. That's when I said something about having the baby monitor in my room. Because we keep lizards. See, Gareth's laughing. Neither Alan nor Emily got it.

I don't know about he's laughing he just smiled in a pained way and went nice don't get angry because he got it and you didn't let it go anyway let it go that's going in my act now i've lost the bomber stuff yeah anyway when you were chatting about calvin harris designed underwear it reminded me that i've always thought that anita har Harris should have moved into this market. Perfect name for the job. Bye Robin C. That is quite a fine joke. Anita Harris.

Anita Harris. Excellent. There was a rock and roll singer in the 50s called Wee Willie Harris. That just sounds like a checklist. First name on the front Second name on the back What do you mean?

On the boxes So you know which way round I thought you were talking about those ones I've got from CNA Oh dear dear I think we've probably run out of Celebrities with the surname Harris That's going to be good to talk about. James Harris?

Yeah, not called James anymore. Oh, sorry. Dude looks like a lady. Sorry. Sensitive. No, God bless him. What else? Have we got time for another email?

Yeah, let's squeeze one in. Dear team, having been myself a devoted reader of the show for the last six years, my two sons have grown up listening and becoming fans in the process. My youngest, George, seven, recently asked what Frank looks like, so I logged on to the...

That's interesting, because George, I think, is the seventh letter of the alphabet. He's done a bit of a Jonathan Lox 1023. Right. George, seven. Yes. the seventh letter of the alphabet. He's done a bit of a Jonathan Rooks 1023. Right. George 7. Yes. I think it's his age as well. So it's perfect.

That's weird. That's really fallen into place. Imagine if he went on to become George the 7th. Well, this George is going to be George the 7th. How many 7th? Is he the 7th one? I think he will be, won't he? Maybe it's the 7th.

What's the name of this guy? There's extraordinary what's happening on this show this morning committed reader in kinva it could be prince william very nice place is it yeah it's sort of worsted when it's not sort of worcestershire it's worcestershire it could be it could be prince william if he knows that we've been talking about letters of the alphabet and that's what the seven means maybe there's a spelling on it um g how much analysis are you going to do this email you two read it recent so my youngest george seven recently asked what frank looks like so i logged on to the absolute web page to show him a picture oh he said he's old even older than you dad but he does look like doctor who

even older than you, Dad. But he does look like Doctor Who. That's quite nice, Frank. That's a 13 to 1 shot. I hope the fact that you obviously sound young... Which Doctor Who do I look like? He probably means Matt Smith, Paul McGann. Yeah, maybe. Not like William Hartnell.

That'd be a great look he'd like. Maybe he's got a movie version, Peter Cushing. I'm sure it's one of the young ones. I hope the fact that you obviously sound young in the comparison to Doctor Who makes amends for the childish insult. Keep up the good work. Committed reader in Kinva. Can I say that, of son George, whenever anyone bandies the word George about,

I always find myself saying, George. George, which is what Jack Regan used to say in Sweden. George. And whenever the word Lewis crops up, I also go, John Thor, Lewis. See? I'm glad we've ended on this high. So anyway, thanks very much for listening.

If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week now just get out the frank skinner show on absolute radio back saturday morning from eight tune in live for the full frank experience

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