The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - 10th Birthday Best Of Frank Skinner

Episode Date: September 29, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Absolute Radio turned 10 this week and to celebrate here is a best of Frank Skinner podcast!

new leaf for one of our favorite characters we haven't discussed this morning new leaf um as in the turning over a new one okay trump or stilt skin has he turned over and well he hasn't that's the problem oh there's been there's been they call it a tell-all book in America. They like that phrase, a tell-all book. Do you think he makes resolutions, Donald? I'm not sure he has. Well, I mean, from what we can gather, I'm not sure he has the attention span for a 12-month focus.

Or do any of us, do you? This is is this book Fire is it all Fire and the Fury it's called Fire and Fury which I I mean

Fire and the Jackal Bell two of the nicest house actions I ever owned Fire and Fury yeah lovely lovely it doesn't sound

very presidential Fire and Fury sounds to me like it should be a chef's autobiography like some Gordon Ramsay

like some barbecue chef. It could be Alan Sugar's, couldn't it? Oh, my God, that's great, Frank. Although he's a bit more benign in here. Isn't he quite friendly, really? Does he just do you're fired? He's quite grumpy. I had a lovely lunch with him once.

Strange bromance. And he began an anecdote. He began an anecdote. That was more. He began an anecdote. I remember when I signed Jürgen Klinsmann on my yacht in Monaco. Brilliant. I thought, we're off. Very good.

So, yes, there's a book out. You must have heard about it. Yes. And this man got quite good access, I think. Wolf. Yeah. But essentially... Can you just clear something up for me? It was written by a bloke. Wolf. Yeah. But essentially I was... Can you

just clear something off me? It was written by a bloke called Wolf. Michael Wolf, yes. Somebody described on Newsnight as a wolf in wolf's clothing. Oh, that's very good. Prowling around the White House. Has he got his own clothing line? I think so. That'd be good, wouldn't it, if you were called Wolf, to have

a clothing line. I don't mean a clothing line as in with pegs no you mean a range a range that you called Wolf's Clothing yeah that's a great idea

I would hire Wolf from Gladiator to be my brand ambassador that's a good idea good to go is he still with us what about when me and

me and David Baddiel went to see Ed Wood you know Ed Wood the Johnny Depp film? And they reserved three rows at the front that was just for celebrities at the front of the circle. And the only people sitting in it by the time the film began

was me, David Baddiel and Wolf from Daddy 8. So embarrassing. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Do you know who else I'd like to talk about or what else I'd like to talk about this morning is Fiddy Cent who's one of my favourites Are you familiar with the work of Fiddy? Well I've met him and I found him in Charmond

You weren't a fan? I saw him supporting Eminem at the Milton Keynes Bowl How did you find him? Well I was a big fan of Eminem at the Milton Keynes Bowl. How did you find him? Well, I was a big fan of Eminem. I thought he was alright, 50 Cent, but he didn't stand out for me. He was a

handsome chap. But that's not how I pick my heroes. No. But yeah, I've got nothing against his essential human existence. Well, he's become, Curtis, as I like to call him,

has become a Bitcoin millionaire. Yes. Now, as you know, Bitcoin is not only one of the things I don't understand, but I've made a point of not understanding it. I think it's good to have some things in your life you've got no idea what they're about. And I still don't know what. I think it's got something to do with PPI.

No, it's not. It's a cryptocurrency. Oh, well, that explains it then. Isn't that what Dracula uses? So imagine a currency that exists outside of any sort of governments. And the people... So we would all monitor it ourselves. It's like Esperanto.

Yeah. In a way, yeah. We all monitor it ourselves. Okay. Okay? Kind of. We monitor it ourselves. Have I got some monitoring responsibilities for Bitcoin I haven't been told about?

You might have some Bitcoin mining responsibilities if you've got a computer. Could I physically hold a Bitcoin in my hand? No. Because I see pictures of... Never. Well, you'd be a rich man if you were. They're worth about, is it £8,000? Just for detail, he's a rich man anyway, but...

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. The devil's in the details. It's a bit rich man anyway. Oh yeah, I forgot about that. The devil's in the details. I forgot about that. They're worth about £8,000? Looking at me like I'm the cryptocurrency correspondent. You were talking about the mining.

I still don't get it. It's an international currency, but it's unofficial. Yeah. So what would I do with it if I had it? Well, you't get it. It's an international currency, but it's unofficial. Yeah. Yeah. So what would I do with it if I had it? Well, you'd sell it. Yeah, or you could... Can I buy something with it? Yes.

You can buy things with it. You can. On the internet, I suppose. Yeah. Virgin, I believe, accept it, and Microsoft. Do they? Yes. Do they?

But actually, what's happening now is, because it's so volatile, it recently went up so much in price that people stopped spending it because... Then it went down again. Then it went back down again. So it's very volatile at it recently went up so much in price that people stopped spending it because... Then it went down again. Then it went back down again. So it's very volatile at the moment. But here's the interesting thing. I'm thinking I might bring out my own version called Gitcoin. Oh, that is good.

Which I give financial compensation to everyone I'm a bit off with. Oh, wow. I think you should take them round. Like those golden pennies you buy from the coffee shops and you just hand them out if there's been a gittish incident and it says on it sorry I was

a git Frank Skinner and then in what 10 years whatever when I die the money on them will become volatile and then it really will be crypto. Maybe. Absolute Radio.

The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I had my first bath of 2017. Hang on, we've just done a jingle for that. A stick of the dump over here. See if I've got... Whoop, whoop! See if I've got my first...

Here it is. I like it, I like it. Actually, I didn't much like it. Oh, I like a bath. I didn't have you down as a bath, did you? No. Oh, no, I like a shower, you see. And I'd forgotten my routine. I had to get in the bath and think,

no, hold on, how do I do this? Honestly. Really? How do I do this? Because I had a very set routine. I kneel when I first get in the bath I do this? Because I had a very set routine. I kneel when I first get in the bath. Do you?

Oh, there you go. So I kneel and I wash my face. At Pontifex. Yeah. You kneel and wash your face? I kneel and wash my face. I want to wash my face in the water before it's become corrupted by my lower part. I hope people can sit in water for ten minutes

and then wash their faces. Absolutely disgusting. My partner, Kath, she gets into the shower. We had a shower together in our early days when we were excitable. And she would say, what are you doing? I said, well, you know, I'm washing my hair and then I'm going to do my neck.

And she said, what? Oh, I just stand here. It's like someone at a bus stop. She stands under the water and then that's that done. Is that right, Jane? That's what I do. I don't think so. When I'm in the bath, after I've done that bit,

I go into a sort of, I wash my feet now, which is quite easy, and your chest. And then I go into a sort of crab position so I can wash my middle section. Because trying to wash something that's under water is a waste of time. You know that sort of crab thing you do? Ever played crab football? Oh, yeah, I know that, but I just don't really do that in the bath. So both hands and feet on the floor, but you've sort of lifted, you've elevated your hips.

I mean, it's an old man's version of that. Oh, OK. But I had to get the middle bit out of the water so you can wash it. It sounds like you're doing bath yoga. Maybe this should be a bath yoga. I'm sure it is. It sounds really stressful, Al. But otherwise...

Yoga. It's no good washing something that's underwater, is it? Yeah, I think that is washing. No, it isn't, because the soap... Why is it no good? Because the soap never has any time on the surface of the skin because it's dispersed into the water. This is why fish smell.

Do they? They don't, though. What do you mean fish don't smell? What are you talking about? If you walk past a good fishmonger and the fish is fresh, it shouldn't, though. What do you mean fish don't smell? What are you talking about? If you walk past the good fishmongers and the fish is fresh, it shouldn't smell fishy. That'll be one of those Sky series, fish don't smell. I can see it being commissioned now, Frank.

Yeah, Lee Mack presents fish don't smell. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Can I also stop the show to say I've seen a thing this morning which has filled me with despair. Oh, has it? I'll admit I'm a stranger to despair.

I'm building this up. But poor Colleen Rooney, hasn't she been through enough just lately? Oh, this was bad. She's on the cover of The Mirror with a bogey in the right barrel we don't know if it's

oh come on it's a it better be a bogey or she's finished it is a bit bat in the cave oh it's so it is bat

it's a bat and it's a it's a fruit bat it's a big old bat yeah oh nuts they could have took that

a bit of felt pen in post it might be a printing error. Oh, come on. I'm afraid I was a little bit... Just the way it's sitting, I know it's the real thing. I suspected malice.

As you say, it could be taken out in post, but it also could have been added in post. Nobody would dare in this day and age add a bogey to the front page of a popular toy. I hope it's a real bogey. Their career would be in ruins. I was genuinely, I wanted to hog her, sort of metaphorically, obviously.

After she'd wiped. Can I make it absolutely clear I didn't want to hog her? Gotta be so careful, Jeff. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I was actually accused of deceit. And what about this? Of all the things one could lie about in life,

I was accused of making up the mouth sounds book, where I learned my... Who was your accuser? My cruiser blast. That is good. I was accused that there wasn't a book at all. And luckily, I had it in me satchel. It was his rival in socks.

It was Alan Cochran. Alan Cochran. Cochran? Bamboo Cochran, as we call him now. He bamboozled you. I don't want to say the boy who cried wolf, but you have, on occasion, on this show, told little porcupines that have then spun out

into extended improvisational porcupines. I would say that the great defining feature of this show is the raw honesty of it. Oh, really? Because you looked me in the eye and spent a whole link telling us that you'd invented Gap, the shop. And then you said you were Ian Fleming's... Yeah, your mum was a cleaner for Ian Fleming.

Yeah. Was that right? A golden eye. Yeah. So you can see how there may be a boy who cried, I invented Gap. Well, we've got proper evidence of the existence of this. But it's gone up on the socials.

Those stories are slightly more far-fetched than someone bought me a book about mouth sounds. I don't know. Anyway, I showed the book. I'm delighted to see it. I think it's a fantastic gift for you. It is. I'm going to work. What did you get the man who has everything?

Oh, we haven't talked about the butcher who got stuck in the deep freeze. Oh, what a story. What did he get into, Al? He was in a bit of trouble. Actually, he was living the sitcom life, wasn't he? He was locked in a walk-in freezer. Fantastic. Not only was he that, but the pictures of him holding

a three-foot-long black pudding are so British comedy. Very good. We should say they don't know this story. He saved his bacon. Very good. As twirled. Excellent work.

Very good. It's a good joint effort. Thank you. Very good. Oh, come on. Oh, God, whatever I sell get the chop. No doubt. Thank you.

We're done. We're done. Stop. We're the black pudding. He broke his way out of the deep freeze. He used the black pudding as a battering ram, essentially. It says in the article that, ironically, the escape button had frozen up.

So he needed... He was in the deep freezer, but there must be something normally that it doesn't freeze. But it had frozen stiff, I guess. and you had to smash it with something. Lamb was too big. Lamb was too big, we all know that. The beef didn't offer enough grip, apparently. No, yeah.

So he went beeping. Should have left the horns on. I always do that. Leave the horns on just for safety. And it's great for carrying it about. True, yeah. Like two handles in many ways. Yeah, with my frozen beef, I leave the horns on. I just push it around like for carrying it about. True, yeah. Like two handles in many ways. Yeah, I just...

With my frozen beef, I leave the horns on, I just push it around like a lawnmower. Yeah. You lose a bit of meat off the end, you know, rubbed across the gravel. They did, Frank, they did a lovely bit of local news reporting. They said the black pudding was too shy to comment

when approached. Oh, yeah. Lovely. I think that is because he somewhat, what's the word, personified? Not personified. He somewhat personified. Anthropomorphized. He anthropomorphized the black pudding because he said it saved my life

rather than I used it and I saved my own life with a black pudding. I think he's implying that it did something. That there was some choice involved on the part of the black pudding. Rather than just lay there. Do you think you could take one, a one that big, could you take it on as hand luggage? Or would that be regarded as something you could potentially hijack a plane with as a weapon?

What, the 12-inch black pudding? Yeah. I think there would be other problems with it. Not so much the use as a weapon, but I think it's probably contraband, you know? Contraband? I love that word, but I... I don't think you can take foodstuffs

to different countries very easily. I mean, if I know nothing from watching, what's it called? We don't know the title. Border Control. Well, I do know there's Border Control. Yeah, my wife watches it sometimes. Well, I have a nightmare when sending hampers abroad for this reason.

Okay. Does that sound a bit elitist? Yeah. It didn't mean to. They're not like expensive hampers. Sounds like a really gentle nightmare, to be fair. Yeah, you're right. So with the 12-inch flat pudding,

how on earth am I going to secrete it about my person? Good question. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Can i just tell you i was in a restaurant once with me and kath and bars that's my family and um bozzy's first ever teacher um suddenly turned lovely yeah it was really nice and he was sort of slightly in love with her as most boys are with their first teacher. And she came over and chatted to us and all that.

And he was, you know, staring at her. And it was lovely. And so she went away. And he turned to me and said, bear in mind he's five. He said, I have no idea who that was. Excellent. And he'd bluffed it already. He's got into that thing of bluffing. That is great.

I mean, I remember my first teacher, and that was, you know, before the old king died. Miss Page, she was called. Oh. And she had, I tell you what, she... You. Oh. And she had... Do you know what she... You must have loved that. So many punning opportunities for a young punner.

I think we can say this in the current climate. Oh, shall we check? She wore those very... In the 60s. This was the 60s. She wore those very, very pointy brass ears. Oh, okay. I mean, really pointy.

I just said there's three female staff with their head in their hands in this room, and then there's you and I just talking. Well, I think it's all right to say that. I think it's fine. Very pointy. Everyone is reading this. Yeah. I wonder if she's still with us, Miss Paige.

Probably not. That's nice. Shall we end it on that? Let's end on that. Yeah, lovely. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I performed at the Queen's 92nd birthday party this week.

Ooh. La-di-da. Yeah. Height it. Height it. Height it. Ooh, la-dee-da. Hoi-te! Hoi-te! I said to my partner, do you want to come to the Albert Hall and see me play ukulele in front of the Queen?

And she said, who else is on? Do you know, that was almost my question, though. That's harsh, isn't it? I think so. She didn't go. Wow. So what did you play on the ukulele? Was it Happy Birthday? No, we played When I'm Cleaning Windows.

Oh, brilliant. Which is a song packed with sexual innuendos. Yeah. But no one seemed to really notice. I was going to say, did you keep it clean? The windows were. Good for the queen. Pajamas lying side by side, ladies, nighties I have spied. I've often seen what goes inside.

Look, I should say, I was playing with the George Formby Society. It wasn't just me. Right. Well, I'm a member of the society, and I've done a documentary with them before about George Formby, but they said, we'll pack it out with a few more celebrities, you know. In other words, I don't think you've got enough celebrity nowadays to carry it. Right.

So they got me Harry Hill and Ed Balls as my wingmen. Oh, I see. Yeah, so that was the set-up. So it's us three at the front, and then the George Formby Society. Yeah. A lot of elder people amongst them but a really great lot. I think we had a vote and 70%

were more worried about the stairs than the performance. Right. And we had to rehearse this bit where we line up behind

we walk on stage and Kylie and Tom Jones and Shaggy and Sting they're singing What a Wonderful World. And we had to...

What a ridiculous world. And we had to line up behind them. And then we had to look over our shoulders. We needed wing mirrors. But when the royal party arrived, the idea is that we back up. We're a sort of queen flap. So we go back, they come in, and then is that we back up. As I said, we're a sort of queen flap. So we go back, they come

in and then we close again. Nice. And, but we were waiting in the wings. So there's me, Ed Balls and Harry Hill waiting in the wings. Ed Balls gives me a bit of elbow in the ribs and we look round and the Queen and

Prince Charles are standing literally right next to us in the wings, in the dark. She said, it's very dark. And Harry Hill said, you need a torch, really. And I said, you should have a torch bearer. And she said, yes, I should really, shouldn't I? Excellent. So they then wandered towards the stage. She's going, it's very narrow. So I thought, what's the wings? So me and Harry Hill are sort of saying, that was pretty amazing.

And then what I didn't know is that Ed Balls had gone on ahead and was ready to do the finale and he started going, Frank, Frank, come on and she heard him and turned around and went, Frank, hurry up! So I turned the Queen's telling me to hurry up I've never moved so fast in my life

I had a thousand images of the man in the iron mask, I don't know why So it was literally a Royal Command performance? It really was Frank, I'm sure she don't know why. It was literally a Royal Command performance. It really was. Frank. I mean, I'm sure she didn't know my name. She just copied it. The best of Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. I feel bad that we're not at a street party in Richmond. Oh, I don't know. Every broadcaster in Britain has got people standing in the background with Union Jack t-shirts on. We're not exactly ignoring it, but it's not...

Yeah. Nothing to talk about. No. There's only one story so far, isn't there? What's that? That's the dad not coming. Oh, yeah.

Tom. I'd like to have appeared at the wedding. You know when Elton John played? Did he play at the wedding or the funeral? Funeral, did he?

He does weddings, funerals and bar mitzvahs. That's it, good on him. He's doing today, though. You know when they have a wedding singer? Yeah, he's singing today. Oh, is he? Yeah.

Is he really? Red, white and blue shell suit. That's great. If I was singing, I'd go on as Annie, ginger wig and the dress, and sing, Tom Markle, Tom Markle, I love you, Tom Markle, you're always

a flight away. Nice. Speaking of which, I was at the Palace this week. What? I can't believe it. 2-0 we lost. Oh. I was at the Palace, I was honestly at Buckingham Palace this week.

Were you? Yeah. I had to give an inspirational speech to... To the royals? Yes. Because their heads had dropped a bit, just like, I'll be straight with you. They'd done the Duke of Edinburgh award scheme.

Oh, OK. Yeah, now... Oh, is that still going? Still going. Oh, that's lovely. As long as there is a kayak in this country, there will be the Duke of Edinburgh. Lovely.

I was introduced to Princess Anne. Oh, shut up. Best sunglasses ever. And you work with Emily Dean every week. She's always got great sunglasses. But these, she looked like Boba Fett. They were like really... Excellent.

They were like multi-coloured... Honestly, they were like sunglasses from the 27th century. Princess Thra... Hold on, I'm just doing some welding. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Good morning. Morning.

Morning, Frank. We've talked the whole night through. Good morning. Good morning to you. We actually haven've talked the whole night through. Good morning. Good morning to you. We actually haven't talked the whole night through. And you. No, we mainly WhatsAppped, didn't we? Well, I had night nurse, so I'd have been a lousy contributor.

Did you? Yeah. All right. Imagine we had a WhatsApp group with Frank. Imagine if we had a night nurse chat room. I often imagine I have a night nurse. Where people all chat night nurse and then talk into the often imagine I have a night nurse. Where people all get night nurse and then talk into the early hours

in a blurry green mist of nonsense. That's as rock and roll as your imagination. And then we wrote it all down and we turned it into like a verse play. Oh, yeah. And then did it at Edinburgh and then it really took off. That sounds brilliant.

What about that? It was just called Night Nurse. That's what we called the whole thing. And then Night Nurse come in. Of course, once it got successful... They weren then night nurse come in of course once he got they weren't bothered at the beginning but once he got successful

night nurse were in saying well we want some money for this excuse in hand and we said there's been night nurses before yeah they say you're clearly

referring to that you're even fuel bait then we got a court case on our hands which was just a simple idea between a few friends on a radio show which we win

and we drink the champagne out of the little plastic cups afterwards outside for a co-star victory like shot Which we win and we drink the champagne out of the little plastic cups afterwards outside for a co-star victory. Like shot drinking out of it. We drink 250 millilitres of whatever it is.

25 is it millilitres. Yeah. Or we could mockingly drink creme de menthe because it looks like it. And it also helps you sleep. Does it? Creme de menthe, you drink enough of it, my friend. Yeah.

I thought it was the drink of choice for people that didn't want other people to know that they'd had alcohol because it smells of mint. Well, they used to say the Pope drank it. There used to be an old joke about it. Well, I think it's the drink of choice for people who are desperado. That's the drink itself.

But when it comes to that time of the night and there's nothing in the drinks cabinet. I haven't actually seen it for ages, have you? Is it creeping into... It is. I think it might. Creme de Monde. The old joke used to be that a bloke had a drink of it in a pub and he had

a whole bottle and just blacked out and woke up covered in green sick. And he said, oh, I wouldn't have known any more of that. It's terrible. And I said, well, it's what the Pope drinks. And he said, no wonder they carry him around in a chair. Which I always liked as a joke. Very decent joke.

I liked it because it had the Pope in it, but it wasn't derogatory. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that was, those were the days. So, yeah, so that's the... The Pope jokes. That's the night nurse... The positive Pope joke.

The night nurse format. Again, that'd be a good time. It's the time for a band. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Here's the thing.

Hang on. What? There's been a few posters going up round my, in my area. Posters? How are the 70s? Posters. You know these handmade posters with a picture of a dog on? Oh, yeah.

Oh, like lost dogs? Yeah. And you tear off the little thing at the end no it didn't have that i didn't have that oh the frill is that with the number it's a bit serrated it's a bit flintstones outfit isn't it no it didn't have that it had it's got i'll tell you what it's got it's got two pictures of the dog one sort of left hand profile and one right hand profile as if you'd see it from one side and think, oh, I'm not sure that's it.

But anyway, so they've got that. They don't have its name. Is that a good idea? Well. If I see it, what am I going to do? Well, I don't know. I mean, you're looking somewhat searchingly to me as the dog correspondent. London's leading dog correspondent.

I mean, I know people are funny about names because they don't want them to steal the dog. That's why they sometimes... But if you need the dog back... How do I know it's that dog? Well, exactly. If I go Shirley and it turns, I'll think that it's a female.

What sort of dog is it? See that political correctness? I thought, can you actually say the B word if you're referring to a female dog? And I bottled it. You can. I bottled it, as we actually say the B word if you refer to a female dog, and I bottled it. You can. I bottled it, as we say in the night nurse. What sort of a dog is it?

Is it a mixed breed? I tell you what, it looks a bit like a husky. Oh, yes, they're very popular. Yeah, I could shout mush. Since Game of Thrones. Oh, is that what it is? Yes, this is the thing. But here's the thing.

So me and my child pass three posters with this dog on every morning. Still don't know the name. And there's two phone numbers at the bottom. And Buzz said to me, why is there two phone numbers? Is it like a lady's phone number and a man's phone number? As if they were, like, different in some way. That got me very confused. I had to explain to him they are the same thing.

There isn't a special lady's phone number. At least not that I know of. Maybe on the dark net. Oh, he thinks it's, like, the bathrooms, yeah. Are you sure he doesn't think that it's a couple that have lost the dog? Is that what he was implying? I suppose it's a family. No, I think he just wondered why there was two phone numbers.

Well, I wonder why. It's reasonable. What's the idea? Yeah. What's the idea? What's the big idea? What do I do if I see the dog? I phone one of these numbers, which I don't have on a bit of paper.

I have to memorise two numbers. And then if I see the dog, I phone them. By the time they get there, it's gone. And they say, why didn't you call me? I say, well, what's his name? And they say, it's called Missing. I thought, oh. Oh, no.

I got completely confused. Totally confused. I don't know if people are generally aware of the phenomenon that is Hamilton. Yes. Hamilton is a musical... Smash hit. Well, it won 16 Tonys. You know Tony Awards are like the theatre awards, it won 16 Tonys.

You know, Tony Awards are like the theatre awards on Broadway. 16. I don't know if I could even name 16 Tonys. If we sat here now. Mowbray. Punis. Tony Mowbray. Both football managers. Straight off the bat.

Tony Greenleash. What about him? West Brom midfielder whose nephew is example. Is that right? Shut up. That is good knowledge. Yeah. So I went to see Hamilton.

And? Awful. Honestly. Can I just say, I love you for saying that. I thought it was awful. And it was the worst. I thought, was awful. And it was the worst. I thought, this can't be it. Is this it?

Brilliant. I honestly thought they were going to stop after ten minutes and go, nah, this isn't it. Couldn't you? We're messing about. Obviously, this isn't it. So, Frank, tell me why. Tell us why.

It's about history. Now, you know, I love musicals and I love history. Yes, I would have thought it would have been up your straws then. I quite like hip-hop, so it should have been made for me. But? But the way they do the history, it's like if you got the Wikipedia page of Alexander Hamilton and thought, you know what, I could set this to music.

I wanted to turn round to the Royal Circle. I was in the front row of the Royal Circle. I wanted to turn round and say to them at the interval, what are you seeing in this that I'm not seeing? Yeah. That would have been awkward, I thought.

And also I was worried I might have toppled backwards. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I think as for New Year's, they should have done a version called I predict a diet. Oh, yeah. That'd be a good thing.

If you had a friend, say, they tell you they got dumped in a real heartbreak in a phone call, you go, oh, really? I predict their diet. Try it. Try it at home. What about if we had a feature on this programme where Russell Grant came in?

One of my faves. And we played and we just went, I predict, and then he said some of the things he predicted. Yeah. And I just kept cranking up the volume and we let the song play. You know they used to do it with high O silver lining. Yes. And it's, and then they

turn it down and. Yeah. And then. And the crowd go. You could do it, get Russell Grant in. Would he soon run out of words that rhyme with. Well they don't have to rhyme. We'll let him go free for. He could do diet. I think he works mainly in blank verse. Fiat.

Some be a... I predict a fiat. I don't think a scam very well. A hiat, if you were going to stay at a hiat. And then he'd go, I predict, and we'd turn it down, he'd go, I think there'll be a fire at the royal wedding. And then we'd go on to the next thing

and just see how many things he can come up with. As long as he didn't go too bleak. No. He's got that in his locker. Yeah, we don't want him predicting any massive disasters. Hey, come on. When the music comes back up,

I know, I know, I know, we're saying, don't do that. Don't do the disaster stuff. Look, and it just comes to me and then I do it. And then there'll be a huge argument and it'll flounce out in a sateen shirt.

Yeah, and then finally he hasn't got his dibber to get the door open. And there'll be me doing the next thing as if everything's okay. Meanwhile, Russell Grant at the door, rattling the door like this. For somebody! Let's not do it.

Let's not do it. Let's not do it. Don't book him. Cancel him. Besides, next week could be too late. The New Year's moved on. It's fraught with issues. Too late.

But he should do that. If you're listening, Russell, get your own radio show. Yeah. And do that. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Frank,

last time you went to the Brits, you gave us a lovely review of Little Mix. Who was your big surprise this year? Was there one act that stood out for you, Frank Skinner? I've got to say, what I do, I lean across to Ricky, who's sitting next to me, from Kiss. And in a very... You know that bit in The Nightmare Before Christmas? What's this?

What's this? Da-da-da-da-da-da! What's this? What's this? I do a lot of that. And, like, when Thingy came, I still can't remember her name, but I want to call her. Dua Lipa.

Well, I was calling her Fra Lipa Lippi, who is a 15th century Italian artist. Uh-huh. Robert Browning, you probably know, wrote a poem about her. Yeah. Yes. And so when she came on, it was very much, what's this? I also, she was under an enormous stalk.

Did you see it? Yes, I did. She sat under an enormous stalk, which I assumed was sponsorship. Oh. She sat under an enormous top, which I assumed was sponsorship. Oh. I thought, stop, Marjorie. There, back.

Is sponsoring a 14th century Florentine artist. Yeah. Truly, I have lost touch. So, yeah, I did a lot of that. But for me, the man of the night, it's got to be Kendrick Lamar. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

That was a great, I think it was a great moment at the Brits. I don't know if they showed this bit on the telly, but Tom Jones went up with, who was he with? He was with Jennifer Hudson, I believe. I don't know, but it was a night, apart from Jack Whitehall, it was a night of profoundly substandard bants, generally speaking. And they went on and it was going into desperate awkwardness and Tom suddenly turned around to the crowd.

And it's that... You know when me and Greg Davis kissed on that live show and people quite rightly recognised it was desperation. He turned around and he said, is everybody having a good time? I thought, that live show. People quite rightly recognise it was desperation. He turned around and he said, is everybody having a good time? I thought, that's it. Tom has basically asked for a big hand for the police. A hand of the force for the police.

You're feeling fairly robust today, aren't you, Frank? We've got a correction here, and I feel like it's fine to read this to you. Is it a correction? Hamilton is brilliant. No. I also like that you checked in and gave us an update on Frank's mood. I enjoyed that part of the show. I don't going to correct you on the Hamilton is brilliant? No. I also like that you checked in and gave us an update on

Frank's mood. I enjoyed that part of the show. I don't want to bruise you but I feel like you can cope with this. Read Teenage Girls Liking Rubbish. I was nearly 12 when Wuthering Heights was released. I loved it and Kate Bush immediately and I still love her and her music now. Not embarrassed at all.

Kate in North Shields. Yes, but the thing is with that, Kate, and you obviously just loved her because she had the same name. And now, funnily enough, my partner Kathy was obsessed with Wuthering Heights. Oh, all the Kates and Kathys. No, no, obviously, as ever with these things, I'm talking about a general thing, yes.

Of course, I, you know... Of course. Kate Bush has moved a lot of young women and men. But, yes, Kate, I acknowledge that. I'm talking about as a general herd. Oh, charming. David Cassidy. How's your herd?

You know, just the general sort of boy band thing. I think you're talking about group tendencies. It's absolutely fine. We can band thing. I think you're talking about group tendencies. It's absolutely fine. We can move on. Come on, Kate. And the same way boys get obsessed with World of Warcraft and then later look back with slight embarrassment. Or Doctor Who.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. I think I... You're on fire. Whoops. Ouchie. Oh. The best of Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. Now we need to talk, surely, about KFC, which I think you briefly mentioned last week as this story was breaking. Oh, that they're running... Yeah. They ran out of chicken. They did. Apparently they now are known as KF. Unbelievable. It's one of their initials. You'd think that would be the first thing on the checklist.

If they have a checklist. All I hope is get chicken. I mean, it would be news if they didn't have the little barbecue sauce. If they totally ran out of that, people would be talking about, you know, they've got no barbecue sauce. But it's the chicken. It's the chicken. They've even got it in the signs.

Can I just say, you were the first person. You broke this story. Did I? You had intel, I believe, from one of your butcher friends. I had a little bit of conspiracy theory gossip. You know he's got some butcher friends, Frank. Yes, I know. I love my butchers.

Okay. Big shout out to my butchers. Yeah, of course, we're losing a lot of vegetarian listeners. Yeah, it's fine. I've already lost the Hamilton. I've nearly lost the assistant producer who's very sulky about me not liking Hamilton. She's really angry.

But you see what? She's got the, what do they call them now? Album? Soundtrack. Soundtrack. I think that's all opinion news. No, no, but I was going to say CD and then she'd have looked at me blankly.

Yeah, she's downloaded it, yeah. So she's downloaded it and she's listened to it. And that's what a lot of people do, apparently. They listen to it. But as you said, we went to see Stephen Sondheim. We did. Interviewed. And he said, I think with musicals,

what you want is people whistling the tunes on the way out, not on the way in. So if you've got to do the homework to enjoy Hamilton, I mean, forget it. What, I have to cue and do homework? So we've gone from KFC back to Hamilton sorry it's really his hot spot isn't it

via your butcher friends let's use Sweeney Todd as a ramp I suggest very good what about Spamilton which is the butcher's was that any good Spamalot Spamalot's good

it's a complete rehash of what the films are, but I enjoyed it. Great reuse of rehash. Yeah, thanks very much. Thank you. But honestly, The Colonel. I know I visited The Colonel's grave. Oh, did we ever?

Well, I was going to say, you're something of a Colonel fan. Yeah. He will be spinning in it this week. Luckily, he was buried on a rotisserie. I mean, one thing that guy liked doing was selling chicken. I'd like to know when that was fitted. That would have been worth seeing.

It's a shame to rip the trousers. We got the leg! Yes, no, I did feel sorry, because he was obviously a proud man with high business ideals. If he'd have heard that they'd run out of... I mean, the American bosses must have been absolutely furious. Well, 900 outlets.

One of those phrases you only ever hear during a news story about a sort of problem in retail or the restaurant business. But 900 of them closed. Is that right? I think it is, yeah. And then somebody called the police, but we're calling the police. This has made me annoyed. I mean, I don't want to sound like, you know,

a horrible old bloke, but what? Snowflake Britain. Sorry about that. People that can't cope with KFC not having chicken and phone. There was a time when I lived in Belsize Park, I lived about 50 yards from a KFC. I went there probably five or six times a week. If that had shut down...

It's not balanced. It's not balanced, but it's lovely. It's not balanced. It's not balanced either. It's not balanced at all. Three-piece dinner with coleslaw and large fries. Memories. Three-piece dinner. KFC memories by Frank Sloan and Lodge Fries. Memories. Three-piece dinner?

KFC memories by Frank Skinner. Someone with a Colonel suit. He liked a three-piece. See, that's where it came from, the meal deal idea. He did that. He was sitting in his three-piece suit on a three-piece suite. And he thought, what shall I call this? What shall I call it?

Hold it. See, you got a pencil? See, you got a pencil? That's what happened. Wr wrote it on the lapel outrageous I had a flexi time oh

I remember it used to be the future it was the future it was the future people would say to me are we doing flexi time Oh I remember It used to be the future It was the future It was the future People would say to me Are we doing flexi time I went in 10 o'clock the other morning

Yeah I just worked an hour later It's fine Yeah I thought well this I can't believe this is happening I thought And they were saying

They'll change everything now Flexi time Yeah People would be working Through the night If it suits them I think it has changed Everything hasn't it

Has it Aren't we all on flexi time now? I'd like to ask my PR. Well, I don't think, no. Flexi time, isn't it? I think it's more remote working. Oh. Yeah, that, of course.

Do you see? So we've traded flexi time with all the stuff just for chronic isolation. Flexi time sounded a bit 70s. Whenever I've been in any kind of office environment... And what's that? Well, I mean, sometimes I go into writing to an office or something like that. sounded a bit 70s. Whenever I've been in any kind of office environment, well, I mean, sometimes I go into right to an office

or something like that and anyone says, yeah, I'm working from home tomorrow, I think deck chair in the garden. Yeah. I always check to see

if it's a one day international. People don't work from, I mean, they just don't. I think if you work from home full time, you must work from home. But people in the office who say, tomorrow I'm going to work from home,

they do nothing. I mean, nothing. We're discussing the World Cup here on Absolute Radio. I was just saying, I thought Russia, with their history of public displays, would have done a better opening ceremony. I mean, they've paid a lot of money to get this World Cup. Look at that, angels. I mean, I don't know how much they've paid.

You'd have to ask FIFA. But there wasn't one missile on a truck. I mean, can you imagine how gutted I was? I'll tell you what, give it 20 years, the World Cup in North Korea will be great. Well, Frank, I know what you were expecting. I'm actually going to that. Obviously, I'll be in an urn.

But I'm still going. That'll be another ceremony, won't it? I'm going as First Lady. I think you were, I can imagine you were a bit disappointed. I mean, I don't know if you have the music to hand, but we all know the sort of tunes that I think you might have been hoping for

and just the sort of more pastoral side. What if he'd have come on carrying a mazurka? Robbie Williams would have joined him with a Robbie Williams singing this in with a... Robbie Williams singing this would be worth seeing, wouldn't it? That would be great.

I mean, he can't sing, it would be great. He can sing, yeah, he's got a good voice, Robbie. I'd look forward to this note. Everyone. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. What about the JC? JC. Oh, I love the JC the JC? Oh, I love the JC.

JC? No. JC. Yeah, but that's her accent I'm doing. Oh, is it? Yeah. Oh, I see. That's how people speak in London.

I didn't know she was Indian. We have a thing that people who say, when you do an accent, people say, oh, really? I didn't know it was Welsh. It's all right to hit them in the face, apparently. Yeah, we don't like it.

Anyway, when we last checked in with her, she was plummeting down the trap door at the Radio 1 Teen Awards. And what happened, Al? She didn't even get a can of her turning up. I knew you were going to say that. That was the bit of the story that we were most tickled by. Apparently she said, because she fell down a trap door, it was quite a moment.

Yeah. And I didn't know this, she said on This Morning that she thought she was going to die. She did? She thought she was going to die and it was near fatal. At what point did she think that? Because the plummet, you'd think, would be quite short in duration. To actually put together a thought.

To envisage your own demise. I wonder if I'm going to... You don't have time to... Am I going to... Even that? Well, I don't... Gone. And then she saw some staff down there working, saying, get her back up, her legs are going to be crushed apparently. How small were the staff down there working? I think it was the borrowers down there.

Did she fall into hell? She actually plummeted into the underworld. And then was rejected. I just think Jules Verne or something think if we had one person on the planet who could tell us of their experiences in the underworld and really rewrite the book of what people believed, the fact that it was Gemma Collins. That's what I say.

So good. But what was odd is she, I saw that fact, she said she thought she was going to die and it was near fatal and then confusingly went on to describe it as the best night of her life. Yes. Which I just was a bit confused. It's a rollercoaster, isn't it? Her emotional ride.

No, there was the thing about that she was falling into machinery. She said, what people don't realise, I was falling into machinery. Yeah. And she also said she wet herself. Did she? But laughing. She was briefly incontinent.

Oh. Yeah. Which I don't worry about that combination with the machinery. Yeah. Well, I worry about that combination with the two Love Island guys. But what about... I mean, I'm glad that she was relatively unhinged, though she says she still suffers with pain now.

Bruises, back pain. But who doesn't say that when they're... Putting in a comp hook there. Yeah, but I wouldn't suggest that for one second. No. But Gemma Collins has lived a colourful life, and God bless that, to have died because her urine came into contact with machinery

after falling through a trap door at the Teen Awards would be one of the great showbiz deaths of all time. I just think that would be the demise to write home of that. Wow. Absolute Radio.

The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.