The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - 20 Cups of Tea

Episode Date: April 21, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the team discuss Arsene Wenger's announcement, the joys of tea making and Frank's night out at the Opera Gala.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank, let's not get off on the wrong foot. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215 with your complaints, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Go on, join in. It's the modern way, isn't it?

It's like the social media. You know, you just said text the show with your complaints and you haven't yet retracted that. No, I'm sure there won't be any complaints. I think we generally love, don't we? Oh, adored, I would say. Strange way to start. Well, I'll tell you, Summer, what about I have evidence.

We all generally love. I have evidence we all generally laugh I have evidence what about this I went to I went to a thing this week which I it's great and I always look forward to

and it's the English National Opera Gala so you get a bit of opera dinner and then you you know you spend some you spend some money

to keep the opera going alright I'm sorry Frank I don't think anyone else at the Opera Gala is looking at the invite thinking, oh, dinner. Well. Bit of dinner.

Is it included, then? It's all over the tabloids today, this gala. It turns out I was at, like, the party of the week. Why is it in the tabloids? Well, it's got Anna Friel. It says looking a bit worse for wear, it says. I didn't notice that. I don't know how to speculate.

Did you notice? She gave a lot of standing ovations to... Well, everything, really. I think dessert. I think dessert she gave. She was enthusiastic. They're on the next table. I find them...

I've always found her a bit... Someone I wouldn't dare approach. I've seen her at a few things. And you work with me. Yeah. But I think she's very talented and that, but I would never go over and tell her. Right.

I don't know why. I have a feeling she might head-bop me on the very bridge of the nose. Oh, that's a sore one as well. So I didn't go over. She's with Holly Willoughby and Natalie Appleton. I say again it was an opera do.

Times are changing. Anyway they're all over the papers. But they had I offered to to be a prize on the auction.

What sort of a prize? You know lunch with Frank Skinner at the Ivy. That kind of thing. Lovely. That would be a nice thing to do. Is it on you? Yeah, lovely.

It will be by the end of it. Now at my age. But it was, it sort of all raised money for the opera, you know. It's a good cause. I know there's people out there listening to this probably who are starving. But, I mean, I do, I try and do a bit,

but it's all right to do a bit for culture as well. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? So, yeah, so I looked, you get like a tablet on your, a tablet as in, you know. My kind of person. Like an iPad, not like a tablet on your, a tablet as in, you know. My kind of person. Like an iPad,

not like a tablet. Oh, no, no. I was already thinking it sounded quite 90s. There was none of that on our table. I was with Melvin Bragg on our table.

There was none of that. Oh, is his hair still lovely? Lustrous. That's good. Anyway. It's a wonderful gift, that. In later life. Mm-hmm.

We, so I looked, it's all in categories arts, entertainment, food all the prizes you can bid for so there was one experiences so I pressed on that there was just me just lunch with me

there was lunches you could have with other people but they weren't listed on their experiences. Oh. They were just listed. You are an experienced surfer. The fair skinner experience. Yes.

It was only me. I had my own category. Well, you should have your own category. Yeah. Did someone buy it? Someone bought it for

three grand. Shut up. I know. I was moved. I'm going to have to... I'm really excited. Obviously, word has gone out that I am fascinated. This is going to be nice for us, Al.

Yeah. Did you notice what other people were going for? Less. But I didn't want to bring that up. Oh, didn't you? Less. But are you secretly delighted Alan has? didn't want to bring that up. Oh, didn't you? Less. But are you secretly delighted Alan has?

I thought you might bring that up. I can't bring up, but I mean, yeah, people went, I was really pleased. I mean, it does make me feel somewhat fortunate.

Think of the launches we've had when you haven't paid a cent. I know. I know. Probably about 150 grand up here. That's great.

Could you write that on a check and send it to the English National Opera? Can we start auctioning? Can I auction my position off next week? What? My branch position. I don't have many positions left. I'm not giving up another one.

Also, you don't want to put a number in their head to start off with when they're bidding. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, that happened to me. But I, nightmare of nightmares.

As I was... I didn't see that one in the trilogy. When I was getting ready to go to the gala, I knew I'd got a black suit I was going to wear, because it was a black tie event. Picked the suit, and there was a fluff on it. Mint roller. Yeah, well, that's what I thought.

I thought I'd need a Ronco... What was that called? The Ronco... Ronco fabric roller. Oh, yes. Remember Ronco? Used to have lots of inventions on the table. Yeah, I do remember.

The Ronco record vacuum. Yes. That used to clean your vinyl. The grooves. Yeah. So, um... So you had fluff on your... Yeah. And then I noticed there was fluff on the next

suit. What is that? Moth larvae. I've got a bad feeling it's moths, yeah. Big holes in the trousers and stuff. Where were the holes? Just everywhere. Yeah. Oh, god oh it was it was absolute sickness so i i had to do that thing i don't normally do i went to a black tie do but not

quite in black time like a oh which i've always thought when people do that they think i'm being a bit of a renegade right do you know what i mean did you go navy then what did you go in the end i went with a sort of check. Oh. Did you? Yeah. What, like a dark grey or something? Yeah.

Pardon? I've won a dark grey check on occasion. Yeah, but it looked like I was making some statement about what an individual I was. Maybe that won the big bid. Maybe. I don't know. I thought, well,

pay the extra bucks for a maverick. I mean, if it had only been a small hole, just FYI, a little tip, you can just colour in with a Sharpie pen on your leg the area where the hole is. Is that a fact? Yeah. You can do that in a shoot.

I mean, now they can retouch anyway. Can I do that if I haven't got a clean shirt and I just wear a jacket? Could I draw in a shirt? I've often thought that at the swimming pool. Could you get away with just drawing the trunks on? Yeah. Like one of those models that does the painted bodies.

But if I turned up in just a little pair of black trunks, people going, um! They get you from the right angle. Um! I'd be all right. Quite a sight coming out of the water. Well, it depends how cold the water is. Yeah, so that was...

But the very nice lady I was talking to on our table said that she'd had people... She had moths and she got pest people and they said the thing to do is intense heat. That's what kills them. Oh, really? So they cranked up, they put heaters in this room. She said it was unbearable, you couldn't go in there.

And her television melted. That's amazing. Come on! She had a dream that she had. Can you imagine it? And that next day Salvador Dali came out. Yeah. And then off we went from there.

There's no clocks anywhere. But, oh, God, I've pulled the fringe off the face. Oh, no. Oh, no. I mean, it's quite bad, but your reaction... We may have to explain that to people that don't regularly hear the show. Oh, sorry.

The producer, when I've been talking too much she puts a small fez on the desk next to me which means move on and I just took it then you know the top, the fringe not every fez has a fringe there are different types

it's quite niche I pulled the fringe off that's going to be some sort of an omen, hasn't it? I think. Sure. Could be a free Lillert. She could be on the way. Absolutely furious.

Oh, no. I'd be scared. I'd be genuinely scared. I don't know why. No. Would you? Yeah. Do you know her?

No, I mean, I've encountered her and she's, you know, a pleasant woman. Yeah, I don't know why I'm so frightened of her. Anyway. Okay. I know what you're thinking. Anybody's frightened of all women. Yes, I'm one of it. Sorry, I've been under a lot of strain.

I've just wrote the first. I know. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I know Frank we've had a big mo Oh yes

Would you like to hear it? We should say a big mo is when someone tells you something that they think you won't know and that no one knows but in fact it's very commonly known And I should say that a number of our readers get in touch to point out that every time you explain that, that is in itself a big mo. And it's becoming something of a big mo.

But we're just doing it because we're considerate. In my desperate mind, new listeners are joining every week. I've only started calling them listeners. Every ten seconds, I'd say. So this is from Danielle, who says...ielle and i don't i can't be sure if we've covered this big mo before on the show but i i feel confident you two will alert me if that is the case you two a colleague let's call their gardener up my concrete patch needs

a colleague found some very old tippex in the today, and the ensuing conversation reminded me of a classic hashtag, Big Mo. Did you know that Mike Nesmith from The Monkees' mum invented Tippex? Actually, it was liquid paper, I believe. Yes, but it's all the same. It's very, I'm going to say, it's very much of a muchness. Yeah, I think that's a good one.

Okay, I do as well. I haven't heard it for a while. Yeah. And I do think there'll be a lot of people now saying, who's Mike Nesmith listening? Mike Nesmith was in The Monkees. That's not gossip. I'm in the band.

We've had another. In fact, we've had a few. Did you know that, Al? I didn't know that, but I think we might have talked about it before, and I didn't know it then, and now I've forgotten it and I again don't know it. But now I know it again.

Oh. You're listening to Philosophy on Radio 4. No, you're not. Morning, Frank and the gang. A big moment for your consideration. Rio Ferdinand did ballet as a youngster. Kind regards, Hen... I never Henna. I never knew that. I never knew that either.

But it makes sense. Does it? I didn't know that either. So the entire triumvirate. What does did ballet mean? Was he at the Royal Ballet School? Were there garlers involved? Or did he go to three classes in a local church hall?

Maybe three. Where he did a bit of... We need more info on the Rio Ferdinand ballet career. We've also had a text from 091. This is going to sort of break the format of the show a little. That's not from... We don't want that information from you two. We want it from two two.

Oh, very good. Order. I mean, that is the kind of material you're going to get. Three grand lunch. You'll be dripping with that kind of hot stuff. Yeah. I'd say.

I mean, if that was your opener... And food. Yeah. What if they go big on the champagne? I might write some material about meat, vegetables... I don't do that. I've got a lot of food lists.

I'll end up ordering the thing that I think has got the most laughs in it. Order? Will you... I'll have the spotted dick, please. Beef Wellington. Will you think about what you're going to say, genuinely, before... No, yes. Don't need to.

Of course he will. Don't need to. It drops off me like windfall fruit. 091. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. I know you don't do shout-outs, and I think that's true. As such, we don't do shout-outs.

No, not unless I stand on Lego in bare feet. But in his role as celebrity doula, do you remember last week we had a conversation? I'm thinking of going round from attending the births of complete strangers. Could Frank just say... I suppose every birth is of a complete stranger, if you think about it. I've never seen you before in my life. No, but the child is always a complete stranger when it arrives.

What about when that's what a friend of mine's child said? He said, do you remember Emily, don't you? I've never even heard of you. I haven't seen him since. Can I just tell you, I was in a restaurant once with me and Kath and Boz. That's my family. And Boz's first ever teacher suddenly turned up. Oh, lovely.

Yeah, it was really nice. And he was sort of slightly in love with her, as most boys are with their first teacher. And she came over and chatted to us and all that. And he was, you know, staring at her. And it was lovely. And so she went away and he turned to me and said, bear in mind he's five.

He said, I have no idea who that was. Excellent. And he'd bluffed it already. He's got into that thing of bluffing. That is great. I mean, I remember my first teacher and that was, you know, before the old king died. Miss Page, she was called.

Oh. And she had I tell you what, she You must have loved that. So many punning opportunities for a young punner. I think we can say this in the current climate. Oh, shall we check? She wore those very in the 60s, this was the 60s,

she wore those very, very pointy brassiers. Oh, okay. I mean, really pointy. Can I just say there's three female staff with their head in their hands in this room and then there's you and I just talking. Well, I think it's all right to say that. I think it's fine. Very pointy.

Everyone is reading this. Yeah, but if I was working with people... I'm going to leave you two to work that out. I'm just going to sit there. Well, she was working with infant. If she'd been working with the juniors, there'd have been an eye height. Right.

It could have blinded somebody. Yeah. I know what you mean. It's a sort of Diana Dawes vibe she was going for. I remember. It's what sticks in my mind more than anything. Okay. I remember seeing her open a letter once.

No, I didn't. I've made that bit up. But it was, yeah, what happened to those? You know, there's someone, Madonna had that gouty, I've never seen anything like this before, but Miss Page was years ago. Page Turner. There was a lot of it about them, yeah.

If she'd have been on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, there would only have been one mould that she could have... Just the two conical indentations. Oh, it's nice to know she made such an impression. Yeah. I mean, you know, who knows what she triggered intellectually. But that's how I think of her. But at least I remember her.

Yeah. It's such a lovely way. Two years ago. I wonder if she. But at least I remember her. Yeah. It's such a lovely way. Bossy's talking about someone from two years ago. I wonder if she's still with us, Miss Paige. Probably not. That's nice. Shall we end it on that? Let's end on that.

Yeah, lovely. Let's end on that. Text in on 81215 if you know. I thought about when I, last time I was in Giza. Me too. Looking at the Great pyramids Skinner Dean

and Cochran together The Frank Skinner Show I'm enjoying this Al did you see 3, 4, 2? I'm mid text I don't know if you remember I'm so sorry Al I'm so sorry It. I don't know if you remember. I'm

so sorry. It's just that the window of opportunity may well have slammed shut. If I can continue. All right, needy boy. No, I'm not being needy. All will be revealed. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. I know you don't do shout-outs, but in his role as celebrity

doula, could Frank just say, push, Amy, push. My sister is giving birth right now in Dundee. I fear that we've talked so much about other stuff that the child may be out. But if you could. What's the name? It's Amy. Push, Amy, push.

Okay, I'm going to try. Push, Amy. Come on, love. Come on, you can do it. Push. Push, come on. Come on you can do it push push come on come on I can see it sounds a bit

Frank Spence yeah you can do it that's what I think of I think I think all men become slightly Frank Spence

or at a birth Alan's Frank Spence impression I can't deal I remember how Terry turned up at the hospital with a bag of stuff for my sister-in-law.

What was that stuff? Was it lager? No, it was clove. You know clove. You know they need stuff in hospital. And they said, are you just in time to see the birth? And he said, just put it down and ran off.

Just put it down in the corridor. What I like is she was probably fine about it. But men didn't go to the birth in those days. It's pretty new. It was considered a piece of impertinence to go to the birth. 342 has been in touch. Regarding what you were saying about bars, Frank, I saw you in Hoxton Street about a year

ago. I waved at you and you waved back. I doubt you remember me. That's Paula from White Cross Street in Venice. Is she going to say it? However, I have since bid £3,000 to have lunch with you.

I remember the wave. Do you? Oh, isn't that lovely, Frank. Well, I remember the wave. Do you? Oh, isn't that lovely, Frank? No, I'm doing like Buzz with his first teacher. Just wait till they've

gone and then say, I don't remember. Yeah. No, I remember being in Hoxton Street. I think that's when I was filming for a documentary

with Susie Klein about the history of popular entertainment. And, you know, if someone waved, I would have waved back, certainly. Well, that is one of your rules, I think. It is. And I live by it. Not waving, but drowning.

OK, is there anything else from the outside world? Yeah. It's all right, you don't need to pick stuff up. Well, yeah, we've got one from 563. Morning, Frank Allen and the Divine Resent. Why is it you have fingertips but not toe tips? But then you tip your toe, but you don't tip your finger. Do you tip? Oh, tip toes.

Yeah, tip toes. But not toe tips. Why fingertips, not toe tips? Fiendish. I never heard of it. Do you have? You do have toe tips, otherwise you wouldn't be able to tip-toe. No.

What about tic-tacs? What are they made of? Oh, right, I see. No, I don't want to know what they're made of. At the start of the show, also, you did ask the audience to text in their complaints. I don't know if you recall that. Why did you do that, Frank? 740.

I didn't mean to do that. Morning, Frank. You asked us to text in our complaints. I've got a bit of hay fever from Ian Angle. Oh. I think I've got a bit of hay fever. Speaking of text-ins, when Sunita fills in her visa and it says occupation, what does she write?

8, 12, 15. We've had an email in that I really like. Good morning, one and all. As recently discussed on the show and following last week's beaming sunshine, I've officially put my winter coat away for the foreseeable future under the stairs. That's where their coat goes.

Someone's gone a bit Harry Potter. I think we've got a bit of damp under the stairs. Moths? Damp? Mine goes in a wardrobe at the top of the house rather than under the stairs. Anyway, it's good we're all different. Where do you put your winter coat? Yeah, 8, 12, 15.

I put it on the cover. I will be genuinely interested in some of the responses to that. I bet there'll be people who take out the thermal lining and just wear it in the sun if it's a bit rainy. Possibly. It occurred to me that it might be nice to slip a fiver in the pocket as I bid farewell to it. Safe in the knowledge that come autumn,

I will have that just-found-a-fiver-in-my-coat-pocket feeling and put a smile on my future face. No, but you'll remember. And also, it doesn't do, I've found, to dwell on your future face. One of the simplest good feelings in life and one that Frank has expressed doesn't get any less special regardless of how fiscally endowed one may become. Indeed.

But I would not get that thrill if I'd put it there deliberately. I think you might be right. Yeah. That's like using it as some sort of fabric safe. You're right. No point. Yeah, you're right. The power is in forgetting

I suppose if Nick who penned this email I suppose if they know that they've got a terrible memory they might just might get away with this

but if not oh yeah yeah that's true I suppose that's one of the thrills of getting older is it to set up stuff

like that for yourself yeah Set up stuff like that for yourself Yeah Frank Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio Absolute Radio I tell you what I was at a birthday party this week In a church hall

My nephew's birthday party Lovely And I met someone I made myself a cup of tea I was desperate for a cup of tea And you know when you're made myself a cup of tea I was desperate for a cup of tea and you know when you're desperate for a cup of tea and you have a cup of tea in the world ever so every Halloween we have one Frank yeah at about 11 p.m. oh yeah we do yeah oh yeah we step away from the showbiz party Emily and I just have a cup of tea. A little tradition.

Oh, lovely. I take me, just loosen me bolts. Yeah, he loosens his bolts. Last year, David Baddiel joined in. He said, can I have one of those teas? David, they're not really one of those teas. Anyway, so I was, then someone came who I didn't know, and they said, oh, I'd love a cup of tea.

And I said, I'll make you a cup of tea. So I ended up behind the counter lovely I must have made people 20 cups of tea really and do you know what I loved it

it's good yeah because when you hand someone a cup of tea they look really pleased yeah it's much less complicated than comedy

yeah well do you know what the JC says about a cup of tea famously who? the JC Gemma Collins she says if you make someone a cup of tea it's like giving them a thousand pound yeah wow

do you think that's true? I'm not prepared to, you know my view like a baby without a friend burning without its ham where would we be without tea? Fantastic. The marvellous Gilbert O'Sullivan

there making a profound point if you ask me. But I did, I really it reminds me I went through a period of going out with quite a lot of waitresses oh yeah

and I think it's because I saw them as a source of nourishment yeah and I think that's how you feel you know that saying

that it's better to give than to receive it's very rarely true but I really I loved giving people a cup of tea that I'd made

I can see you could have had, in an alternative life, I can see you with a van. Like a soup kitchen. Yeah, oh, just there. You know, maybe burgers or something. I was thinking a cafe with me in a striped apron. Yes. Do you remember Red Balloon, that Jack D thing?

Do you remember the guy that worked in the cafe there? Yeah. Slightly sardonic. No. Okay. Him. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily, Dean and Alan. Cochran, you can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Frank, Lisa Tibbs has been in touch. You were talking about tea earlier and how much you enjoyed making it. Yeah. She says, we just checked, we'd rather have the £1,000 than a cup of tea.

We can make our own tea. OK, but can you make it like I make it? No. Yeah? I was talking about the joy of handing it. I think giving someone £1,000 would not feel as satisfying. A, because you've lost £1,000. But B, I'm always someone a bit dirty about money.

Whereas tea, beautiful. Saying, would you like a cup of tea? It was lovely. I would not have said to one of the women who arrived, would you like a coffee? You wouldn't. My? It's sleazy.

The whole suggestion. Do you think it's a bit sleazy, the coffee? I think you're moving. I'd be the subject of a Twitter storm. Yeah, fancy a coffee? Come on, get off me. I think it would be even worse if you'd said, would you like £1,000?

Yeah, well, exactly. That would have been the worst of the three, possibly. That's true. That is true. I didn't say that, though. Would you fancy £1,000? I bet you wouldn't say no to a thousand pounds, would you? God, awful.

See, tea, there's a lovely cleanness about tea. Yes, there is sort of an innocence, isn't there, about tea? Fancy a tea, oh, that'll be nice. You'll arrive on your pushbike with a bicycle clip on. That's a nice tip for any men out there. Offer a tea, not a coffee. And in the daytime as well. Meet people in the daytime early on.

Don't meet them at night. I have a question. You know, you said you thought you made about 20 teas the other day. Yeah. How many teaspoons do you think you went through in that 20 teas? Well, I didn't hand over the teaspoon. What do you mean? No, no, but you...

No, but you utilised the teaspoon. I kept one teaspoon. One teaspoon, 20 teas. Because... I didn't want to picture you washing up after each cup. No, I did quite a bit of washing up, but I didn't... Because the great thing with washing up

is getting early, just rinse. All you have to do is rinse. You do it straight away. I can't enjoy a wash-up now. People get up the next day, oh, now I've got a scour. Yeah. It's gone. Straight away, yeah, now I've got a scour. It's gone.

Straight away, yeah. But I didn't want to, I think, because I was behind the counter, I got quite health and safety conscious. I thought if I end one over and one over with a spoon in, somebody could lose an eye. Yeah. And I could be liable. I do like leaning on the counter, though, saying, can I help you?

Get yourself a little job in a shop as well. I do like leaning on the counter though, saying, can I help you? Get yourself a little job in a shop as well. I'd get a serving hatch. Well, I think you'd enjoy I think you'll, you love the bants, don't you? Yeah, but a serving hatch, I feel I could still get that experience, still get your elbows on the counter. I'm sure Kath would love that. What'll it be?

Yeah. Yeah, I used to live in a flat with a serving hatch, I quite liked it tell you what I'd do is I'd make a cup of tea in the kitchen and leave it by the serving hatch

nip round to the living and there it was there you are didn't have to carry it you know it's a it's a trepidatious move the carrying hot tea tis

and it was just there as if someone else had made it fantastic good for people that live on their own as well. I've never had a hatch. Thank you.

Never had a serving hatch. No. Get one. Okay. Are they out of fashion? I think they're a bit whatever happened to you. 8, 12, 15. Are serving hatches out of fashion?

Yeah, they'll be builders. We have a lot of builders listening. Well, we do. Yeah. They'll be listening on a radio cassette player that's got drips of paint on it. Yeah. Yeah.

134 has texted, I vacuum pack my winter coats and jackets and put them at the bottom of wardrobe. Karen. That's a vacuum packing. Yeah.

I think there's a lot of that these days. She actually took the air out of it. Yes. With a hoover. Very good storage. Some people use a hoover.

Do they? Yeah. She sounds very sensible. I've got a vacuum packed Volkswagen hoover. Do they? Yeah. She sounds very sensible. Very sensible. I've got a vacuum-packed Volkswagen Beetle. Have you? Yeah. Have you actually?

I really have. Yeah, to drain all the fluids. And then it's vacuum-sealed. It's not. I'm serious. Wow. I mean, you don't even care about cars, but you've got a vacuum-packed one. No, I do like those, though. I like serious. Wow. I mean, you don't even care about cars, but you've got a vacuum-packed one.

No, I do like those, though. I like those. Hitler was one of the great champions of the original Beetle. VW Beetle, yeah. Yeah. But still, that's why I'm... We're going to go end on that.

That's why I'm... Why are you doing this out of that? No, but that's why I've had it vacuum-packed. I'm going to go and done that? That's why I'm playing a song now. Why are you doing this out of that? That's why I've had it vacuum packed. I'm going to keep it in a garage until the whole anti-Hitler thing blows over. Oh, God. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. 403 has texted, Hi all, I have a new espresso machine which will definitely be ignored this morning in favour of a nice cup of tea. Thanks for reminding me of my roots, Lucy. I'm glad they didn't say expresso.

No, that was me. I know, you nearly went a bit Des. Des can't. I've just got a new percolator. Have you? Do the people still... Hold on a minute. OK. Coffee percolators, do people still get those?

Well, it's all the George Clooney machines now. I know, it is. It is. And those little cafetiers. well it's all the George Clooney machines now a lot of the George Ears machines it is and those little cafetiers oh yeah oh man I should have

filled it with coffee the paraphernalia of it oh the little the filters oh yeah you'd have been there all day

making 20 coffees oh yeah the filters yeah my mum would say to her friends do you want a coffee of three hours

they'd be sitting there watching it drip down. You had to fold it into a sort of Miss Paige bra type shape. Oh, he's off again. Memories. I wonder if she's alive. I'll try and track her down. Don't do that. We haven't talked about Arsene Wenger this morning.

No. What's happened? Oh, come on. Can we discuss this, please? Yeah. It's big news. One of those football stories that was like second on the main national news thing. Yeah.

Well, you know, he's spent a lot of time in post, hasn't he? 22 years. 22 years. 22 years. 22 years. Yeah. But it does seem this morning... He's going to do a breakfast show in Melbourne. Is he?

That was an absolute radio in joke. I love an in joke. What if he was, though? Wouldn't that be absolutely brilliant? In all seriousness, I do genuinely setting up against the OC rival thing good morning

and welcome to Radio Wallaby Radio Wallaby nice and he plays he starts with Wallaby got the Spice Girls

to do a version of Wallaby where they say where they say Wallaby he's got a just a and he's not

regularly just a launch a launch yeah a launch. Yeah, just called in favours, because he knows people that know the Spice Girls, doesn't he? Do you know what? If he did that, I would love it. I would love it if he did that.

There's a feature called Arsons Around, in which he does a bit of an OB interview with people working in St Kilda and other parts of it, on the tram, you know, in Melbourne. Good day, mate. Picnic rock. I'm in picnic rock today. Stone the flaming cross.

I genuinely do hope that he goes somewhere warm because he looks... He's got sort of paler and paler and he's a person that looks terribly unhappy in the cold British winter. That's why I love him. It's because he's thin. I'll tell you what he's going to miss. The thin don unhappy in the cold British winter. That's why I love him, it's because he's thin. I tell you what he's going to miss. The thin don't like the cold.

He's going to miss the full length puffer manager coats. There's so many clips of him not being able to get those zipped up. Do you know, he never did master that zipper. Never. And I feel like a hot country may solve that problem for him.

Just go somewhere warm. Well, he, of course, I mean, he's done a lot for technical area chic, Arsene, I feel. You think? Yes, because I think he was a really early adopter of the cardigan waistcoat vibe. Yes, he was. Yes, he went cardigan.

I've got a problem with his tie knot, though. It's huge. Have you noticed how big the knot on his tie is? Yeah, it's quite winter. I think it looks like, you know there's phases at school when people do their ties up in different ways. It looks like that sort of

teenager, I'm having a massive knot. Because that day when you used to have to tie your school tie very near the end, you could get a big knot. Oh, is that right? Speaking of which, he went for the grade school jumper thing as well, which Pep Guardiola favours.

Now, there's a few of them gone for that grade jumper. I think that's a show that they're still learning. They're students of the game. Can I tell you what I'm loving? And I like to think I'm going to call this my effect on you. There's been some quite big football news this week and we've just spent the last five minutes talking about it from a

fashion perspective. There'll be more. I'm delighted. More stuff, certainly. Tony Pulis, when he was the West Brom manager, always just dressed from the club shop. I think he couldn't resist the urge.

Did he have a baseball cap as well? Baseball cap and, you know, tracksuit. You never see him in the suit on the touchline. And I always used to say, if you drove past, say, 3 o'clock in the morning, drove past Tony Pulis and his family night fishing, there would probably be over 40 grand's worth of stock from the club shop. I'm not. Just stretched across the whole family.

I always used to find Tony Pulis' system a puzzle because he used to wear the track suit and a baseball cap at pitch side. And then it would appear when he was interviewed on Match of the Day that he'd showered and put on the suit. And I always used to think, well, that means he's travelling back on the coach in a suit

surely the suit is for the touchline and the track suit is perfect for the coach home he's got it all wrong it's not a long haul flight sometimes they were

playing in Bournemouth or something when did people decide that on a long haul flight you can dress in anything yeah I still like

to wear a suit and that. Oh, so do I. People just think, I mean, not a suit. They think they've got to go elasticated waist on a long-haul flight because they might get a thrombosis. I think it looks horrible. I hate thrombosis prevention.

The stiffest fabric I'd consider on a long-haul flight is corduroy. I would work my way downwards to jogging bottoms. I've travelled in tarpaulin. I just want to interrupt some of the Azamanga news because I forgot that Can I do one of those just for pleasure?

Azamanga Okay Oh it's good Who did we have last week? We've had two consecutive weeks where people's names go with stuff from Lion King. Lion King, yeah. Because we had the Japanese guy

who went with Hakuna Matata. That's right. That is true. You've had a figure made of you. This is from 384. This is from a woman in Tahiti who you dumped in 1988. Oh, no.

That stuff will catch up with you. When you do that voodoo that you do so well. Hi, Frank. I make custom figures, and I specialise in Doctor Who. I've custom made a figure of your character from the... Are you in Doctor Who? From the Doctor Who show. Have I not mentioned it?

And you can see it on my Instagram page, which I've just looked up. And it's absolutely brilliant. I've been waiting. I'll tell you something. There's a regular magazine. That's from John, by the way. Who's Who Customs, it's called. There's a regular magazine that brings out figurines with the magazine.

Every time they come out, I have a look to see if it's me. Is this a Who thing or just a general thing? There's a company called Robert Harrop that makes stuff. Again, I always go to see if they've got me in the new range. Eagle Moss, I'm always there. Never. No. I've got a picture of the mummy on my wall, just on his own.

Right. That's the closest I could get. There's some great figures, though. Was it good? Well, they look great. I mean, as you can imagine, some of them I don't actually recognise them. You don't? Well, yeah, I think.

That's not because they're not accurate, though, is it? No. You wouldn't know Alpha Centauri. No, but I would know. If she walked in here now. I would know the pirate, what was he called, the pirate captain? Alpha, the pirate planet, yeah. That was played by one of my parents' dear friends.

Bruce Purchase. Yes. Oh, fantastic. Little Doctor Who man. He had a killer parrot. Killer parrot? Yeah, it was a robot, obviously. Oh, fantastic. Little Doctor Who man. Killer parrot. Killer parrot? Yeah. It was a robot, obviously.

Oh, yeah. Okay. I've had enough of looking at the Destroyer. No, but that's... I must have a proper look at it. That's great. Okay. Thank you, John.

So, yes, the thing about... That was actually... That was an impression of Jeff Tracy talking to his son, John, in Thunderbirds. Who would have got that? John. Frank, we should get back to Arsene. Arsene Wenger.

Because the suggestion this morning, we have to say, was not that he walked, but that he resigned rather in the fashion in which Robert Mugabe resigned, which was, I believe, shouting betrayal. Oh, was he?

Is what happened. Yeah, I think he shouted betrayal. Oh, dear. And he cried. I think that's what happened when Brendan left Strictly. Oh, yeah. I think Robert Mugabe also shouted chameleons. Did he?

Chameleons? No, but he's telling his wife not to tread on them. Right. Good bit of advice, actually. One on the path. So, yeah, do we think Arsene may have been,

they may have forced his hand somewhat, do we think? I don't know about that. And let's give him the benefit of the doubt. I hope so. I wish he'd really made that. I wish he'd stayed

until they'd changed the locks and stuff. Like, he just... What, like Alex Ferguson, you mean? Really doubled down. He basically did. He held on pretty tight. Yeah, yeah. I liked his parting words, guys,

because it was very Whitney Houston, I will always love you. Oh, that's nice, isn't it? He went a bit, I'm not what you need, didn't he? Did he? Yeah, he did. He said said take care of the values of the club my love and support

forever I think that's so nice it is nice he always talked a lot about the problem is he's staying though till the end of the season

that's the trouble with the emotion you know when you say an emotional farewell to that couple you met on holiday and then they're at the taxi range

oh yeah yeah it's a bit like that he said you know take care of the club and that and then next day alright the taxi range. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's a bit like that. Take care of the club and that, and then next day, alright, Arsene, here we are again. It's just a bit sort of safety. I don't know why they announce it early

at all, because now there'll always be a strange limbo where they don't play so well. I don't know why, but that always happens. Oh, they were saying on the radio that the lads will try and go out on a high for him. That's what they were saying. I don't know, but when I've dumped people in the past, I've never said, that's it, it's all finished with you. We'll be separating on May the 22nd.

I find that then you have a period of intense awkwardness. Oh, I do, because I put it in the contract that I send over. Oh, really? Yeah, a non of intense awkwardness. Oh, I do, because I put it in the contract that I send over. Oh, really? Yeah, a non-disclosure. But no, that's... I'd never do that, unless, of course, we booked a holiday. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. There's been some nice Arsene

tributes. Has there? Yeah, Rafa Benitez. I've been talking well about him for a while. Oh! Not that well. Lovely thing to say. Is that what he said? Yeah. Did you know what he said? If he is happy, I am happy. If he is sad,

I am sad. is that what he said lovely yeah he also said that he was a specialist in failure a few years ago so I suppose I suppose things have changed it's good

David Seaman hashtag remember the trophies oh that's good lovely that's a good one keep it real that is good because I think people

sometimes forget that they've got trophies they remember him like you know not zipping his jacket up and stuff like that. Remember him by the coat gifts. There's some important things.

Yeah. I heard a phone in yesterday where they were discussing Arsene Wenger and they repeatedly talked about how the changes that he'd made included broccoli. The players started eating broccoli. No, I think they moved to broccoli. Oh, they moved to broccoli.

Oh, right, right, yeah. No, no, yeah, there was lots of stuff. You know, he stopped them eating, I'm sure I've told you this before, he stopped them eating jelly beans before they went out onto the pitch initially. Right. And then after a time,

he slightly mellowed and let the bowl of jelly beans come back. So they would just grab, they'd grab a handful of jelly beans before they went out on the pitch. But then having a huge sugar crash about halfway through the second half. Yeah, but you know what? If I'd known there was going to be

just a massive bowl of jelly beans, I think I would have tried harder at football. Yeah. Just being in a job where on your way to work you just grab a big handful, three. Three jelly beans. Honestly, the way they were talking about him and the broccoli,

it was like they thought he was Sir Walter Raleigh returning with the potato or something. Yes, it was something. What was going on about it? I must have told you about when I was in Cape Town just before England, Algeria, and we went to this hotel, and he was sitting, there was loads of fans in there,

and he was just sitting on his own at a table. Lovely. That's how I imagine him. Which was quite courageous of him, I thought. And one or two people had come over and talked to him, but not that. He was fine. He was just sitting there.

And then the waitress arrived. He'd obviously ordered something to eat. Yeah. And he just had a plate with a big red apple on it. And it arrived like a serviette and cutlery. And I watched him eat a big red game town, South Africa, in the very shadow of Taimou Mountain.

He ate an apple with a knife and fork. Arse of Venga. I hope the Lion King was playing in the background. It was the most incredible spectacle. Could it possibly have been a baked apple? No, definitely not. Am I playing devil's advocate too much here? Definitely not.

It was a very sort of rosy red apple. It's a strange thing to do. But I'd say in summer, I'd lay a pound to a pinch. Well, we can't say that. Yeah, it was not the first time he'd had an apple with an iPhone 4. He really knew his way. This wasn't his first rodeo. He knew where to put the fork.

See, I would be all, where do you put the fork? But he was very good. He never held the stalk in his hands or anything. And it never... It always looked... It never toppled. No. Yeah.

And it stayed upright. And when he'd finished, not only was there a call, but he'd slightly taken out some of the, even some of the bit of extra stuff with the knife and fork and still it hadn't fallen over. I mean, he was good. Very good. Yeah.

I doubt they'll get another manager who can do that. LAUGHTER another manager who can do that. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. While we're talking about Arsene Wenger, there was... Arsene Wenger!

There was something on Twitter that annoyed me. I realise I'm not the first person to ever say that. But come on. Did you see these people that were saying, is it just me? I mean, that put me off for a start. Yeah, right. Is it just me?

But I assumed the Arsenal Football Club was named after Arsene Wenger. No. They genuinely thought that. No. No, there were people in there, like 18, 19-year-olds saying,

I'm really embarrassed but I thought this. They weren't joking. Wow. Couldn't that possibly... I suppose their whole life Arsene Wenger has been at Arsenal.

Oh, come on, that's no excuse. I didn't say that it was definitely an excuse. It's rank stupidity. Well, I'm trying not to be mean to stupid people,

but, you know... And the fact that Man United and Man City are both managed by men, do people think that's why they were called Man United and Man City? Maybe. Do they think berries were named after Mary Berry? I think they do. I think chronologically they probably were.

Yeah. We were just talking off air there I don't think he's going to be like Sir Alex Ferguson

sitting like Banquo's ghost at the party in the stands watching over the next drink

love a reference to Banquo's ghost very good I actually flat I don't I love a reference to Banquo's ghost. Yeah. Very good. I... Actually, flat! I don't think Arsene Wenger's going to be at all the Arsenal games looking down disapprovingly.

Oh, why is he classy? I think he might never go there again. He's Kaiser Sozo. That would be cool. My guess is you'll never hear from him again. I know what I'd do. Well, we'll see. I think he might carry on managing.

Do you? Yeah. Health club. He could. Hello, David Lloyd Centre. Yeah. As sense speaking. Maybe...

I mean, that or the Melbourne radio show that you've already discussed. There'll be a restaurant. Yeah, a restaurant. The Apple is absolutely... That's what it could be called. The Apple a day keeps the doctor away I don't think he'll be

I tell you if I was him though I'd say what are you going to do with that beaded curtain in the hospitality area Because there's a big metal beaded curtain with his picture which forms his picture I mean you want that in your house And they won't want it there

When guests come round Especially I think he's single now is he I mean, you want that in your house, don't you? And they won't want to laugh at the next guy. What do you want when guests come round? Especially, I think he's single now, is he? Is he? I mean, imagine someone sitting, maybe you've got to the stage where they're sitting in the bed waiting for you and you emerge naked through a beaded curtain with your own image on.

I mean, it's the best moment. Whatever happens after that, that woman will have that moment. If it's a woman, I don't know what. Yeah. For the rest of her life. And that's before she's even seen a meat and apple. Yeah. Come on.

But entering through your own beaded curtain, how marvellous. It's a statement piece, isn't it? It is. I'm thinking too much now about the actual point of entrance. But I just think that would be brilliant. Maybe they'll keep it as a sort of tribute to him, but I would ask about it if I was him. Yes, it should be up.

The next manager probably wouldn't want to repeatedly walk through a beaded curtain with the previous manager on it, would they? They would feel a bit like... Exactly. But if he's got the... When he's got the breakfast radio show in Melbourne, imagine saying... And we've got...

Yeah. And we've got Paul Hogan on this morning. Is Paul Hogan alive? Paul Hogan! Is he alive? Can you check if he's alive? I don't think he's alive. Someone's checking on the pink...

Can you check the pink iPad and see if he's alive? Let's say we've got Danny Minogue on the show today and then you'd hear the rustle of the metal curtain as she came in through the... Yeah, lifestyles in their eyes. Yeah, but it'd work on radio. That's what would be brilliant. He's got to hold on to that curtain.

They owe him that. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This news just in, Paul Hogan is still with us. Oh, thank God for that. OK. I didn't want him entering but not moving the beaded curtain in any way. I would say to the...

Just coming through as Vapor. What about when they asked Arsene Wenger the difference between the French and English when it came to football, and he said, the French, we pollute our emotions because of our Cartesian spirit. Did he say that? Yes. Wow.

Descartes, Al? When they asked Alex Ferguson about him, do you remember this? And Alex Ferguson said, well, it's all wrong. They think he's like the professor and an intellectual and they think I'm obsessed with football. But he's watching like Bundesliga games on a Tuesday night on the telly,

whereas I've got all sorts of interests. My favourite film is Seabiscuit. You branched out that far, have you? Sir Alex? For goodness sake. You can argue that to your red in the face, Sir Alex. You're not going to convince anyone. No, but he's not going to be a brooding presence in the stand.

He's too cool for that. 391 has texted. You might hear from him again. He should become manager of the Venga Boys. Oh! That's an excellent joke, Ian. Yeah, that would be great. That is very good.

He's already managed Arsenal, now Vengaboys, and you're breathing there. I like to think of a good way of dancing to that. Yeah. I'd like to see Arsene dancing to it. Yeah. The great white ghost, you know.

Thin White Duke was David Bowie, wasn't it? That could apply to, he wouldn't be a duke, he'd be a comte or something like that.

Yeah, yeah. I just, what worries me is he's made this decision during a heat wave. You know what I mean? You're in the garden in your deck chair

reading Le Monde and you think, this is the life. That's it. I'm on the phone, you know what I mean? You're in the garden in your deck chair reading Le Monde and you think, this is the life. That's it. On the phone, you know what? Au revoir. And then next week, you'll probably think, oh, then he'll be pining for the manager coat. Too late.

Nice greyhound coat, I'd like this. Just a greyhound coat. If he's on the front of the Sunday Telegraph magazine, naked on all fours in just a greyhound coat. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215, please. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio if you'd like to, and email the show via the Absolute Radio website if you overmind you. Creaky chairs today. I've got an update.

Creaky chairs, they make me feel fine. I've got an update. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. And there's an apology for spelling my name wrong before. It's fine. A-L-U-N is not... Phones aren't going to love that. It's very difficult to force it to...

Anyway, caps letter. Caps now. Update. Amy has given birth to a little boy. Thanks to Frank for his doula work. Amy will be recommending him. That's tremendous. Hold on.

Or maybe, as she's given birth to a little boy. There might be another one coming out, you never know. Well, it's... The going rate is... Do you remember that old joke about the bloke who lives... He lives in a farmer and he lives in this little cottage on the moors, miles from everywhere, no electricity or nothing. And the wife goes into labour and the doctor arrives on horseback and he gives him a candle and he goes upstairs and he says,

congratulations, you've got a baby boy. He says, fantastic. And then he says, I'll go and see how she is. Then he comes back and says, congratulations, you've got another baby boy. Then he goes up again. Doctor comes back and says, congratulations, you've got a baby girl. He says, I'll go up again. And the bloke says, can you leave the candle?

I think it might be the light that's attracting him. Oh, he loves that. Thanks. We had a lovely photograph of somebody's serving hatch. Yeah, we did. It was so lovely. Weirdly, it's got the cop on there serving, actually. It's from Andrew Dembina.

But also, I wonder if he's related to Ivor Dembina. He's literally making use of my hatch whilst listening, and he's got the tea and the white radio. For some reason, I always keep the radio by the hatch as well. I think whichever room you're in listening to it, you can reach across. Also, can we just take a moment to respect his use of the word literally and it being accurate?

And it was literal. It's so often used not literally these days. Well, he's an editor and he lives in Hong Kong, I believe. Oh, we admire his serving hatch. He's got a serving hatch in Hong Kong. Oh, excellent. This guy's got it all going on. He's probably got serpents.

It takes the fun out of it. Well, it adds a lot of liberal guilt. Yeah. We've got some other serving hatch news. Frank, a serving hatch is ideal. Our friends have a serving hatch, and we took it in turns to see if we could fit through it after a few drinks.

Oh, wow. We managed to get two middle-aged men through together. Dan, Norwich. Did you? That is good. Oh, Norwich. I thought they might be West Brom fans. Wow.

It just sounds like the kind of thing they might do. Two middle-aged men through a serving hatch. I think that qualifies as a civil ceremony. Wow. It makes me... I don't't understand why they're so good serving hatches why did they go out of fashion i think the open plan living room may have been the uh nail in the coffin of the service i just have a standing serving hatch in the middle of an open fire It's like a window for him.

I wonder if Joe Brand's got one. Why? Why? Brand's hatch? Oh. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. 364 has sent an excellent suggestion. I feel we could merge Frank's new roles as celebrity doula and tea maker as being the person who delivers your tea and toast post-birth. Best copper and tea ever. Also, do you think Frank exaggerated how many teas he actually made? I was talking last week. If people say I've seen a film ten times, they mean they've seen it six times.

I said I made 20 cups of tea. I made... ..11. OK. That might have been 12. Still a lot. It probably wasn't 20. It wasn't 20. It's not probably about it.

Now I'd like to talk about a subject that we have talked about on this show many and oft times. I don't know if that makes sense. Parking. I mean, we love a parking chat. We love a parking chat. Can I tell you before we begin this story?

I went to Whipsnade Zoo this week. Just me and the boy. I went to Whipsnade Zoo this week. Oh, yes. Just me and the boy. And I got back and there was a parking space not far from my house, about 20, 30 yards, but a tight one. And there was a group of builders sitting across the road on a break

I'd say four or five builders and I felt the old pulses started to go in my neck and I thought I'm feeling the pressure by crossing it was so I went in and it's the best bit of part, I went in, came back

and I didn't have to adjust you did it in one? I straightened have to adjust. You did it in one? I straightened the wheel a bit. I did it in one. I never do it in one. I was so close to getting out of the car with my hands raised in the air. You know the beep, beep, beep thing that helps you to park on the car? Yes, sensors.

After you go into the beep, beep, beep beep when you switch the engine off I think the car should go da da like you've reached a new level especially if you've took ages to park imagine taking

like three or four minutes and then it goes da da well it should really know if you've nailed it like you did in three it should have like

a sort of a sound effect I was so pleased with myself very good I got out and I looked these men in the eye have like a sort of a sound effect round of applause. I was so pleased with myself. Very good. I got out and I looked these men in the eye. Oh, that's great. And they had tattoos and plaster on their boots.

You know, they were men. They were real men. To be honest, I thought you had an air of swagger about you today. It was fantastic. Boz sitting in the back, I had no idea what I'd achieved. I'm really proud of you, Frank. That was great. Springing a step. Boz sitting in the back had no idea what I'd achieved. I'm really proud of you, Frank. That was great.

Well, parking has been in the news this week. A driver left her car blocking a gate in a BAE Systems. They're a weapons manufacturer. Well, let's keep that tab open. Yeah. Submarine makers. Keep it in mind, because this story gets a bit, well, not quite fighty, but she leaves the car parked

and somebody tips a can of beans on her roof and says that the car was badly parked and that if they want to park in a parking space, wake up earlier. Well, that was what I particularly liked. I liked to wake up earlier. Yeah. I don't like the beans on the car.

That's a meanie. It said if you want a proper parking space, wake up earlier. Good advice, though. And what I like about that, but it's quite a strange thought leap, the assumption that she must be a sort of lazy layabout. Maybe she's just a bad parker.

Sometimes I will have an uneasy night's sleep knowing I'm going to have to park the next morning. I've got to go somewhere where I'll have to park. Honestly, I'll feel it in my system, pre-parking anxiety. PPA, I think it's called. Yeah, so I can't see that. I think it's called. Yeah, so I can see that.

What on earth was this woman doing at a submarine? Submarine make. Where was she planning to part next? Yeah. The bottom of the ocean. And also, her lack of spatial awareness if she works at a submarine makers is a little bit worrying. Well, she might just be a bio one. Might be visiting. I think she might just... It might be a buy one.

I think she might have been going to something around the corner from the Submarine Makers and just parked there. You don't think she thought it was Subway? Oh, yeah. But the beans, there's something unpleasant about the beans. There is, unless on the same day, like it might have been a heatwave and there was another car driving around with eggs on the top

and bacon on the top. What's the chances of that? You know that thing when people say, oh God, it's so hot you could fry an egg on your car. Maybe it was someone that was trying to make a full cooked breakfast on a fleet of cars. Yeah, but do it on your own car. That's a good point.

Don't do it on Emma's. And they put it on the roof. It said the woman who wished only to be referred to as Emma. Okay. Does she do babe cast? Come on, guys. It's a specialist interest. Baked beans.

On the picture, she's waving a mobile phone at the camera. I'm waiting for your call. I mean, I'm guessing they probably don't do that anymore. I haven't seen it for years, but, you know, I'm just wondering if that still goes on. Oh, dear. But it's on the roof. On the roof.

It's on the roof. Well, at least she didn't leave there with a bean in her bonnet. Oh. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what I also loved about this parking incident

was that the person who wrote the note saying, why don't you wake up earlier they also, I don't know if this was a mistake but there was a smiley face drawn in the margin. Well, I looked at that now. Did you see that? I think there's like three ghost smiley faces on the note. It sort of shows...

In the margin. Almost like it's a watermark. Yeah. What do you think? Was it passive-aggressive? Do you think it's indentations from previous writings on the pad? It could be that. That could be a way of tracing the writer.

The middle's dead, isn't he? He is dead. Can you get the quick iPad out? It's not a... of tracing the writer. Jeremy Beedle's dead, isn't he? He is dead. Can you get the quick iPad out? It's not a prank. No, he is. I'm sure he is. So it's not a prank. But I found three smiley faces on there,

a bit Where's Wally on the note. I did. It makes messages, though, if you're telling somebody else. Well, that was why it was such a masterstroke. Oh. Here's a question. It would seem to me the obvious.

How would you get them off your car, the beans? Well, that is a great question. You'd have to use the spatula. But you wouldn't have that with you, though, would you? You wouldn't have a spatula with you. Speak for yourself. You're not parked outside your house. You don't know what I carry in my trunk.

I'm afraid I'd go with just reckless acceleration. You think you could drive me through them, would you? I think I'd drive the beans off. You could drive onto them, I'm able to speak. I think that could create a new measurement of car. You know, when they talk about torque and horsepower, I think they could talk about torque and horsepower, I think they could talk about, you know,

bean removal acceleration. I wonder how fast you'd have to go to get the beans off that method. My problem is... 8, 12, 15 for any scientists. Once they've gone down onto the back window... Then you just get the wiper. Just go there. I don't have a rear wiper on the Beamer.

Change car. Love the way this conversation's going. I drive to Edinburgh, then I know I can guarantee I'll get washed off. Would you at any point consider eating them off? Wouldn't that be the most efficient method? I'd probably be more likely to consider dustpan and brush. You wouldn't have that in the car. No, you're right.

You've got to use what you've got. Do you know what's concerning me? No, I wouldn't either. Is that I know in my heart that Frank would. I told you about that mate of mine who went on a massive drinking spree and was walking home and started to sober up

and had that terrible feeling of thirst that you got. I've told you this, haven't I? He became convinced he was going to die of dehydration. So he licked the condensation off a car windscreen and the alarm went off on the car. He had to run away. Oh, man. So maybe it'd be like that. It really is.

Beaching rock bottom. Imagine the bits that are like gnats' wings between your teeth and stuff. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Another bit of good advice. Wake up earlier if you want a parking space. Yeah, and have a good healthy breakfast. Absolute radio where real muesli matters. Oh, very good. Well, 231 has had a similar incident. As they point out, not as bad as the beans. No.

But we had a parking incident with a masterclass in passive-aggressive car notes. We returned to our car, which we were quite pleased to have found in the last remaining very small space, to find thanks in brackets, not, exclamation mark, written in the dirt on our back windscreen. P.S. whatever happened to not jokes? Yeah, that's true. There you go. And did they ever were written down? No.

Because you tend to notice the not early on. Yeah. Because the great thing about not jokes is someone would say something and you'd start to agree

with them and then they'd go, not, and you'd be a terrible fool of yourself. Can I ask you a question as a dog owner? Sure.

Emily Dean and indeed Alan, two dog owners. Diddly diddly. If you had the dog with you, would you think, if I put the dog on the roof for five minutes, the beans would be gone?

She would have. Yeah, she would have. Although I couldn't really do that, because my dog's something of a fussy eater. You know, my dog's gluten-free. She's beyond a jerk. Well, they'd be all right with baked beans, wouldn't you? I'm pretty sure the sugar in there might lead to some... Oh, yeah, sugar.

Oh, yeah, that's the thing. Ben Hoddleband, the England team, having that. No, you'll whip it, have them. I like it. I like Frank's slightly 70s approach to dogs, though. Just let them eat all the scraps, anything. They are, in their own way way cleaning devices. I know what you mean, it would have passed through my mind

What would have passed my mind is you've then got to drive home in a car with a dog that's just editing a video That mightn't work out that well I just don't know how you'd get rid of them, I've got a toothpick with me at all times but that's a long

job. Oh, yeah. Isn't it? Oh, one at a time. Almost become like some kind of mindfulness exercise. If only you knew that person wrote the note, if you knew what their car was. Oh, yeah. You could write...

I find out. If you had the toothpick, you could take the beans across individually and leave a note in beans. Oh, that would be good. Back at you. Yeah. Get a life.

Imagine the joy of dotting that exclamation mark with a single baked bean. Oh, man. It's just... It's one of these.

It's a sort of a funny story, but there's something a bit malicious about the... Well, I received a... Yes, the levels they went to. The baked beans.

Yeah. I received a passive-aggressive parking note recently and the person lives on my street but didn't put their name. They put, like, number 16 or something. Like, you're not a number. Just put who you are and we'll speak, you know, like humans. Well, they were perhaps attempting to dehumanise you.

I think they were dehumanising themselves. Or if you go around furious, they'll say the wife wrote it. I think maybe it was. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. Yeah, we've been talking about Arsenal, but what about Man City? I wanted to discuss this because... Man City were handed the premiership title by West Bromwich Albion, do you mean?

By their fantastic win at Man United. Mm-hm. Yes, that Man City. What? Yes. They signed a deal with Tinder. So Tinder are going to be their new sleeve sponsor. What is a sleeve sponsor now?

Oh, there's going to be like undercrackers sponsors. There's going to be all sorts. Sleeve sponsors. Yeah. Well, it's a new secondary sponsorship thing. If only Merlin were still alive, it would have made a fortune. Those babies. Yeah.

Is that what his players are going to start wearing? Those flared sleeves like they had in the 70s? So there's actually a sleeve sponsor. I think this is the first instance of it, isn't it, Al? Is it? The secondary sponsor. Little logo on the sleeve there. My worst one.

I know the Snooker World Championships is on there. It's the waistcoat sponsor. You don't like the Snooker sponsorship, do you? Or the tennis. He gets a bit vexed about the tennis sponsorship, doesn't he? Keep it clean. Keep sponsorship out of our sport. Thanks, Martin.

I think it's a lovely choice because I think nothing says romance like a Premier League footballer. Yes, indeed. True enough. And Tinder. We all aspire to behave like that. Tinder is just, it's the dating app, isn't it? It is. It's what we used to call Lonely Hearts. Do you know what's really good about this story?

It's a shame they don't call it that anymore. They should still call it that. I think they didn't like the use of the word lonely. That's right. In the title, it would put people off. But, you know, why else would you go on it? Don't answer that on 8.12.15. We won't read it out.

What I especially like about this story is that Tinder were originally trying to sponsor Manchester United and then the talks broke down. And it's almost like the dating app executed their dating protocol and just went, right, next. Man City, okay. They just moved on. They swiped left.

They just swiped and went to the next one. Or they went for someone slightly further down the road. It's perfect. Yeah. Well, West Brom had a Tinder account of their own, but apparently there was some problem and they lost all their matches. Oh, that is a lovely piece of work.

So, there's a weird... How will it manifest? That is a lovely piece of work So It's weird How will it manifest They'll actually have the Tinder logo on their sleeves They'll wear their heart Lonely hearts on their sleeves They'll wear their Joe heart He's not there at the moment He's going to have to come back

He probably is also quite lonely Lonely heart I imagine so. It's a lonely life, the goalkeeper. It is. Goalkeepers are different, is the title of a book by Michael Hardcastle that I read when I was at school. Oh yeah, I remember that.

Hashtag remember the trophies, though. I'm with Justin Bieber. When I want to meet new people, I go to a shark ward. That's where, you know, they're a captive audience and they've all got a story. They've all got at least one story. They've got a good story, you'd think. Is it going to put people off, though,

their sponsorship? Do you know what I mean? Like, will it put Man United fans? Put them off Tinder? It might. Yeah, it might put rival fans off it. I hadn't thought of that, but that's a fair point. Do you think? Yeah, because maybe they should have started their own date in one

and it could have been called Toure's Company. Oh, yeah. Because Toure and Company both play for Man City. I mean, come on! Very good. This is some great work this morning. Yeah. And what about Pep Guard some great work this morning. Yeah. And what about Pep Guardiola?

What about him? What about him? Around her neck, she wore a yellow ribbon. Everybody. She wore it in the same time and in the month of May. It's a Catalonia ribbon. Is that what you're discussing now? If I was him, I'd walk out to that

Everything Here he comes down the tunnel Imagine the raised hands of the great jumper I know it seems a bit jaunty For basically a statement about Catalan independence But I think it seems a bit jaunty for basically a statement about Catalan independence but I think it works anyway thank you so much

for listening this morning it's a strange ending but what do we care we pride ourselves on that so look if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

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