The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - 30 Years of Thirst

Episode Date: September 24, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by The Divine Miss Em and Le Coq Sportif and he is celebrating thirty years since he stopped drinking. The team discuss Brangelina, the Brownlee Brothers and Producer Charlie's coat.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215 with any corrections you have. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Enough respect for Harumph, by the way. Yes, I haven't heard that since the Beano. I haven't heard it since Blazing Saddles.

That's the last time I heard Harumph. I found it was normally a headmaster or a dad character in the Beano. I had a friend who would... With a bubble, Al. In the days when we all had handkerchiefs, I had a mate who used to... These were the days, Frank. I still got mine.

I had a mate who would occasionally take out a handkerchiefs. I had a mate who used to... These were the days, Frank. I still got mine. I had a mate who would occasionally take out a handkerchief and just go, and then just put it back in again. Funnily enough, I just read... Sorry to hear that.

Just read a text that PS's, I have enough handkerchiefs to see me off and I'd completely forgotten that last week we had the, what have you got enough of to let's do the rest of your life. Oh, yes. And that was that. I think I might have enough handkerchiefs to keep me going. I mean, one never knows.

I could get run over outside the studio today. So, you know. Oh, don't say that. It could be that I've got enough milk to keep me going for the rest of my life. It's a text that 831 has texted, and he says, again, I had forgotten that we ended up with them, anecdote requests for Frank Skinner. Hi, Frank, Emily and Lecoq Sportive.

I didn't really want to encourage that. Oh, didn't you? No, carry on. Oh, well, that's bad. I'm doing it at the start of the show. Go on, do it. Long-time reader, first-time text, didn't it? I have an anecdote request for one of Frank's greatest hits from the show from a few years ago.

What was that? I remember laughing at his story about coming to terms with the coaster situation in his home. I've no idea what that is. I don't remember that. Oh, I don't remember. I mean, actually, no, I have a coaster thing. I don't.

When guests come, I very much make a point of putting the coaster in front of them. I let it clatter slightly. When you say make a point, you actually shout at us. No, I don't know if I actually shout. You do. You've said to me in the past, you've done it to me in the past, you went, I'm the coaster. Yeah, well, that's all right if you've actually breached.

But I've got a coffee table and the central part of it is tiling and the outer part is wood, right? So the tiling clearly is screaming for the hot cops. It won't do any harm. People still put it on the wood. Oh, it's quite a sort of Grecian feel. Sounds nice. I think there were lemons on the tiles,

if I remember correctly. Lemons on the tiles. What a night that was. So, yeah. Also, I think I should mention our producer, Charlie, is wearing a coat which has been confusing me. It's a sort of brown quilted...

What did you say? I think I should mention. Well, I think you shouldn't. What are the interests of public service? No, one of the reasons I mentioned it is I did that thing of talking about her behind her back, which I now feel guilty about. Of course, the other side of that coin is to talk

about something in front of almost 70 viewers. So what is the obsession with the coat? It's quilted, isn't it? It looks like a police dog training coat. Which is, have you ever seen when you're training a police dog, you run with a quilted arm,

one quilted arm trailing behind you, a way that no-one's ever run before. And it means the police dog can run and bite the cladded forearm. Yes. If I ever was reduced to burglary... I know what you mean. I could... I'd have a quilt. A hoop of fire wouldn't be... And an Alsatian wouldn't be out of place now.

I don't know if they... They have hoop of fire. I think that might be a... Whatever Happens to... Whatever Happens to Police Dog Displays when they jump through hoops of fire? Or indeed... And a seesaw, Frank. They went on a little seesaw, didn't they?

What about 15 policemen on the same motorbike? Does that still happen? I haven't seen that for years. Forming a sort of human pyramid. That is good. I mean, frankly, whatever happened to Alsatian dogs, per se? Well, you still... My girlfriend was bitten by one on Hampstead Heath

12 months ago. The only sighting. I do miss the police motorbike display team, though. Yeah. I'd love to see those pursuing in a chase, involved in a chase with a blue Ford Anglia with a bloke hanging out the front

with some sort of firearm and a human pyramid following him on a one motorbike. That was Christmas Day viewing, that used to be. If anyone knows if either the police motorcycle display team or the police dog, what did you call those? What's that? Police dog stroke circus training thing still go on, I'd love to know and can you tell them

big shout out to the police oh yeah, don't get me wrong yeah, see you for the police come on come on excellent, not the band can I point that out absolute radio

Frank Skinner on absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio just um accidentally did a joke then just talking about um veganism yeah and um i a slip of the tongue um has led me to the joke that if you know, you sort of don't eat meat products-ish, would you be a vegan? I like that. I like that. See, that's one accident. Often the accidents are better than the intentions, I think.

Frank, we've had a lovely picture sent in. Thank you very much, Scott in red car. It's a photograph of a boy with an Alsatian under a poster that says, I train with my friends at Target Dog Training Academy. Morning, everyone. Here is my son, Sean, with our six-month-old Alsatian at the training school she goes to. Everyone wants to fuss her when she was small, but now they cross the road of the show.

Yes. Also, there was a point when they stopped being called Alsatians and started being called German Shepherds. Remember that? Yes. There was a point when they stopped being called Alsatians and started being called German Shepherds. Remember that? Yes. I think they got a PR team. I think it was a PR thing.

Was it like... I thought they had an argument with their record company. Yeah. Like Prince. Why the sudden hatred for the Alsace region? Yeah. Some lovely wines from there. Yeah, suddenly. So is Alsace, is that part of germany

yes i believe so okay so what they've done they've broadened it widened it out yeah they've sort of you know that thing on google earth when you make it you get further away that's what they've done it's amazing isn't it google you are thanks very much i'll take that um so it's a it's actually an anniversary today i've already had a few texts from people, um, mentioning this. Thank you so much. I love you all, um, in a non-physical way. But it's, it's 30 years today, 30 years today since I had my last drink of alcohol. Oh. What about that?

Um. Well, you look great on it. Thanks. Three zero, by the way. Skin is extraordinary. 3-0, not 13. No. 30.

No, no. I mean, that is, 13 would be a chunk of time, but 30 is more, more than double. Would you describe it as 30 years of hurt? 30 years of thirst. Oh, yeah. I should bring that out as a sanction. Three pints on a bar, I know, it'd be terrible. It doesn't hang well.

You can't just bring out the original by changing the words and have another hit with it. Terrible idea. Oh, hold on a minute. Can I say your complexion and your general lifestyle is an advert to non-drinkers everywhere? Oh. Mm-hm.

Alsace is in... Please! The skin is good, though. You know, I have taken to please as a two-syllable in recent times. Alsace is in France, according to 720. Yeah, of course. Oh, is it? I know we're not shy of being corrected on our ways.

So what they've done is that they've... I do apologise. The Alsatian, once it set itself up as a sinister animal, people have thought, oh, it doesn't really work with a French sophisticated thing. I know. Let's make it German. Yeah. It's... Yes. Racist! animal people have thought it doesn't really work with a french sophisticated thing i know let's make it german yeah it's racist the whole name is racist oh dear dear dear 30 years three zero that's well my doctor said i should celebrate it by doing something remarkable. Did he? She? She.

Sexist! Sexist! I thought you talked about a he-devil before. Sexist hands? Pardon? Yes. I'm enjoying the way you're pronouncing these. The unmentionables. Yeah, exactly. No, that's what she said to me, something remarkable.

But as someone has already said in the text, I started the show referring to two deaths, which for a breakfast radio, I think that's fairly remarkable. Someone did say that. In its own right. I don't see why it has to be all bobbly and fun, breakfast radio. I often start the day at home with an enormous, gut-wrenching argument.

So why should radio be different? Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. That thing about having a got-wrenching argument over breakfast, or even before breakfast, or sometimes instead of breakfast. Are you OK? I, er...

Have you ever done that when you have a massive row before you go to bed and sleep is little more than a bookmark? And then when you wake up, you just carry on straight to bed. It's very hard to sleep on a row, though, isn't it? Because I toss and turn. It's not good, is it? No, but it isn't. I suppose sleep is always a bookmark.

Aren't you supposed to not go to bed on a round? I think that's a good quote, isn't it? Sleep is just a bookmark. I like it. I'm going to write that down. Do you want that written on a pub wall, like people put Oscar Wilde quotes? And if death is finishing the book, you see.

Oh, this is nice. Anyway. You said you're going to get one over, yeah? Breakfast radio. You've talked about a friend of yours that passed away, and now you've spoken about death. 30 years of not drinking, and you're a real ray of sunshine, aren't you? 30 years of dearth.

Dearth, you see. Birth. 30 years of mirth, that's true. Yeah, you can have that. I can remember my last drink. I remember it was... What was it? It was a pint of bitter.

And it was in a... Do they still have these in pubs? I'm asking Al now, because I assume you go to elite bars. Emily, I could be wrong. Do you ever go to a normal sort of pub? It's happened. I don't, actually. But let's run with this.

No, I suppose you're... I'm antisocial. I suppose the fight club's happening in the room upstairs. That's right, yeah. I mean, obviously in the loaded years with the Wonder Bras and the I Drink Pints Ulrica, I was around pubs. This sounds very naive,

but bear in mind that I haven't had a drink for 30 years. Do you still get what they used to call barrel glasses in pubs? Oh, what, like a big handled... Yeah, like dimpled with a handle. I've got news on that. Go on. the hipsters have made them trendy again you are they're hipsters you know they're like a jam jar for the cocktail what you talking about willis just about okay okay um you have a dimple they love a dimpled pint

glass they still have it i know the real ale drink yes there's a return to it it's a retro thing find them in east London. I never questioned at the time the fact that it was a glass with a handle on it. Because a glass with a handle is not a normal... Yes, that's true. You don't have them at home normally, do you? Oh, we've got some.

First time I had what we used to call a straight glass. Yeah. I remember thinking, well, how am I going to secure it to my hand? It looks slippy. Luckily you had that opposable thumb there. No, but it looked really slippy. I loved a dimpled glass.

It could be dropped at any time. A dimpled half pint is one of my favourite measures. Really? Yes. I haven't seen a dimpled half pint for, um... since Charlene Tilton left, um... It was at least 30 years ago, Frank. Yeah, I bet.

What about that, though? Yeah. I remember when people kept an engraved tanker behind the bar. Yeah. When I say people, I mean imbeciles. Frank? Frank Skinner. When I say people, I mean imbeciles. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've got some German Shepherd slash Alsatian news. You've got some German Shepherd slash updates. Not for me, thanks. I'll stick with it. Thanks to everybody who sent us a text that pretty much told us that.

Very pleased with himself. You haven't ever seen him so happy. Sorry, carry on. Not since he remembered the word stylist. It's Charlie's coat again. So there's a horse on the telly just having a sort of coat on

in wintry conditions. It looks exactly the same. The horse blanket. We've had another person text in, haven't we, Al, about... There was a lift, the interior of their work lift. Looks exactly like Charlie's coat. Looks like Charlie's coat. We've put it on the socials so you can see it.

Have a look at it. So is that on at Frank? At Frank on the radio. At Frank on the radio. Obviously don't do that if you're listening to this show whilst driving a car. No. You know, wait until... But I think it's quite a dangerous...

I think one laughs so much at this show, it's quite dangerous to drive while you're listening to it. I agree, Frank. I think it's very good. Especially when you're making remarks like the one a couple of seconds ago. Exactly. Anyway, speaking of German Shepherds, you were about to explain. We've had various people give us a version of this answer, but Fiona from Torquay has said, Frank, I happen to see Britain's favourite dog this week, which I think might be a television programme.

Oh, it's not a particular individual. I thought you meant the dog. OK. The German Shepherd is its original name, but after the Second World War, the dog was renamed the Alsatian due to anti-German sentiment. Oh. I've not heard much about that. I like your reaction to that. I'm like, oh.

Well, I mean. Like a cross nana. She continues, it only started being called German Shepherd again. No, you can't. You can't blame the dogs. That's one of my rules, in fact. I mean, Blondie. Blondie had to die as well.

No reason for that at all. Can you please pronounce his name properly? Blondie. Blondie? blame the dogs that's one of my rules in fact i mean blondie blondie have to die as well no reason for that please pronounce his name properly blondie it only started to being called a german shepherd again in the 1990s really 90s was when we went back well germans are long-haired and alsatians are short-haired okay so the war happened people wouldn't call it german alsatian people wouldn't call it a german shepherd because of the German element. Yeah, correct. And then it went to Alsatian. Then it went back to German shepherd.

Yeah, in the 90s. We forgive. We forgive. Yeah. Let's hope the shepherd community don't do anything in the way of genocide. Then we'll have to call it a German... Alsatian. Yes.

We'll still get shepherds. Schweinhund. Yeah. It'd be a Schweinhund if it looked after pigs, of course. Isatian. Do you still get shepherds? Schweinhund. Yeah. It'd be a Schweinhund if it looked after pigs, of course. Is that allowed? I think you can say Schweinhund.

Do you still get shepherds? Schweinhund! You have to say it like that, fair enough. Do you still get shepherds? Mm, must do. In Germany, or...? Oh, just in general.

I think Angela Merkel began life as a shepherdess. Yeah? Mm. In her teens. I think I've read that somewhere. Really? Yeah.

Oh, I thought you were just making something up. No, there might even be a scratchy old black and white photo of her in a smock with a crook. On your phone, maybe. Yeah. We just had a text from 701. Just found this on the BBC website. For 1986, when Frank gave up drinking. Interesting reference points.

Love of bread, 33 pence. One dozen eggs, 72 pence. One kilogram of sugar, 47 pence. Three pounds of chicken, £1.86. Three pounds of chicken, specifically? Can I ask you a question? Have those prices changed? Yes.

Pint of milk, 23 pence. That's the point, isn't it? I'm going to keep Yes. Yes. Pint of milk, 23 pounds. That's the point, isn't it? I'm going to keep going. It was a long time ago, I accept that. It was a long time ago. And well done. Yeah, you should try living it. Okay, and relax.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Sorry, Al, were you going to speak or shall I? No, feel free. I can't speak, so you go. OK, great. Where is Hugo? M is right. What a start. M is right, that'll do. Frank's complexion looked amazing in his cameo appearance on National Treasure with Robbie Coltrane this week.

I had to pause and replay it. He was glowing. Maybe I should give up the grape juice. That's from 457. My complexion was so good you had to pause. Yeah. You had to pause. Oh, get it?

P-O-R-E-S. Hey! Pause. Oh, lovely. The thing is, it's basically, the way it was shot, Oh, lovely. The thing is, it's basically, the way it was shot, I should say that I appeared on the popular drama Family... No, it's called National Treasure.

No, it's not Family Fortunes. I wanted to say Family Fortune then. Why was that? Yeah, do it. It's because he's a game show host. Anyway, yes, on National Treasure. But I was sort of shot from behind, so I don't know, you could tell my complexion was good.

What about that? I put that to you. I got some great reviews. Himself, Radio Times. Well, I thought you were great, Frank. Thank you. Because often what happens, I mean, it was only a small part, let's be honest.

Yes, I agree. No such thing as small parts, only small players. And we should say, in the interest of full disclosure, that Frank's brother-in-law, Jack Thorne, wrote it. I'm not saying he got you the part. No. Not for a second. I had to go through the full audition process.

Did you? Well, no. Jack is currently the toast of the town. I'm just glad that I was nice to him beforehand. He wasn't my only contact with it, because Julie Walters is in it, and you may recall that she and I got the freedom of Sanwell on the same day. Did you? Forever bonded.

We yoked together like two shire horses Cutting across a field in Suffolk Yeah Anyway, you were so good because What people tend to do with the and-as-himself roles They really ham it up Because they're used to being the centre of attention And they think, oh, well, I've got to make the most of it And you were quite naturalistic, I thought

Did he serve the story? He was a good director, he was I think, to be fair, the director brought me down a bit. He said, I remember his lines. In a good way. When I went in, I was a bit Hey! And he said, just take it right, bring it down. He said, just take it down. Bring it down.

So I was helped. I remember what he said. He said, hey, loved your speech. I remember it. Then you had Likewise, was another line you had. Big fan. Yeah, big fan. Which is, of course, one of the great showbiz lies.

Yeah. Big fan. And then you did a little joke at the end. Something about repeat fees. Yes, exactly. That's it. You've summarised the whole thing. I'm not going to watch the whole show.

You say spoiler alert. It's not really giving away much of the plot. No sounded i sounded i thought a little bit higher than i normally sound oh did you and because i had my back to camera i wondered if they'd dubbed me in if i'd done it so badly they'd the accent was right i think it might it could possibly have been white d you think so yeah has your brother-in-law looked a bit does he avert his eyes when it comes up he always averts his eyes when i walk in it's a bit of an awkward thing there because he's like the big star in the family and i'm the washed up old comic oh don't say that so i'm just so glad i'm fine with it but i know he feels guilty

about it but he's getting me a bit of work on the side, so, you know. I think it's nice he's done. And the relief I feel that I got in with him pre-fame. Yeah, well, um, I suppose, yeah, that's a good thing. Like Indiana Jones in that, Frank. Yeah. Oh, you can't, I mean, I had lots of friends pre-fame. Oh, yeah? Yeah. What happened to them?

Are they whatever happened to? No, I think, come to think of it, I think I shunned them. Al, you've got to watch him on that National Treasure. I shall. I mean, can't think of it, I think I shone them. Al, you've got to watch him on that National Treasure. I shall. I mean, he's been on it. I'll take you along. I don't need to now, I feel like I've been told it all.

It's quite near the beginning. Oh, is it? It's actually, can I say, a very, very, I think you'd really love the show. I shall look for it, yeah. It's brilliant. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio We've had a good texting

I like this a lot Hi, it's entitled Key Points by the way Hi, you mentioned something earlier that I thought Oh, I'll text in about that But now I've forgotten what it was Can you summarise your key points And it will jog my memory hopefully

There was the German Shepherd dog used to be called Alsatian. Me giving up drinking. There was the barrel glass in pubs with a handle. We've all got a bit of a generation game. Yeah. A really surreal version. Towels.

Cuddly tie. Crockpot. A radio cassette player. They had terrible gifts on it, didn't they? In the toasters and things. It was all about abundance, though. If you could remember, like, 15. But isn't it funny, the things that were prized as, you know, objects of desire.

If there's any young people still listening to this, I know it's a bit early for them. But on the Generation game, originally with Bruce Forsyth, but then Larry Grayson, you used to watch a lot of items go along on a conveyor belt, and then every one you could

remember afterwards, you won. It was a memory game. Essentially. I think that's a fair summary. It was all very 70s products as well i don't think i'd want one of those things now no pressure cookers and things on um bullseye oh yeah when he used to do the uh things like the reveal when he used to say, if music be the food of love, tuck into this radio cassette player. That thing.

They used to have a tantalus was one of the things. Do you know what a tantalus is? No. Do you know stocks, when they put people in the stocks? Yeah. Yes, I do remember that. With their heads and hands and people throw fruit at them. There's a version of that with alcohol.

So you have two decanters and you have a, they put a thing over the top so you can't actually get them out. And they lock them. Really? So the person who owns the alcohol can keep it locked. And it's called tantal, I think it's from the Greek, the Greek legend of tantalus, when the man was tantalised by something very evil.

Are you sure people didn't just do that for you when you came out? No, I don't think so. So, yeah, it was a tantalus in order to tantalise you. Oh! So, how was it... I'm not going to complete that. It's more Robert Robinson, that one. It was, I think it was more Robert Robinson.

Did I tell you I once saw his hair from above? Remarkable. Absolute, absolute radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter,

at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the1215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, email the show via the absolute radio website. You let your is beauty. So. Nice. So there's been a little bit of showbiz news this week. Tiny little bit of showbiz relationship news. Yeah, Rachel and Rycard from Love Island moved in together.

Did they? Yes! That was quick, wasn't it? I know! Andy cheated on her. I should think the sand is still between their toes. Well, Andy was up to no good with another woman in the bed next to her, but that's another story.

He sounds like a character, but that is not the showbiz news that I was bringing to you. Oh. Brangelina no more. Dum, dum, dum. Brangelina no more. Dum, dum, dum. Brangelina, Brangelina, pretty little thing. Brangelina dance, Brangelina sing. That's very sad.

Um, yeah, a split up is always sad, isn't it? Unless your friend's going out with someone who you hate and you think, what the last? Yeah. And then you say it, to be honest, none of us liked her. And then they get back together again. You say it's sad and that has been the stock response because everybody has been asked about this, haven't they?

From literally the Dalai Lama commented on it. The Dalai Lama? The Dalai Lama said it was sad. Yeah, but who said? What did he say? Piers Morgan asked him about it and he said it's sad. And then I think somebody asked Samuel L. Jackson and he went, well, is it sad?

I mean, is it that sad it's just people living their life? Like, people... Oh, Samuel. Voice of controversy always. And also, it's hard to be sad when you've always got an image of a kangaroo just above your eyeline. With a kangaroo hat. It's bouncy.

You're naturally thought to have us bouncing. Why is Piers Morgan asking the Dalai Lama about that? Why not? That's probably what he was thinking. Oh, he asked the Dalai Lama. I believe so. The Dalai Lama talks to Piers Morgan. Yeah. He interviewed him this week. About Brangelina. There was a selfie. They took a selfie together.

Oh, lovely. He's so, he's so cheap, the Dalai Lama. He did Iron Chef or whatever that thing's called in America. He did Love Island. They do Love Island next year. He did Universal Love Island. I saw a picture of him. Peace and Love Island.

That's nice. You could have that with him. I think when I worried that he didn't have the right person advising him, was when I saw a picture, I just saw the sandals on the Planet Hollywood leopard print carpet- Really? At an event and I thought, no, don't have the sandals on there. No. No. But at least they're not made of gaffer tape like, um, our, our producers' sandals today.lie and a gaffer tape poor charlie

poor charlie she's so so sweet but so simple that was what her bavarian bavarian granny said to me only this morning i gave her a big sloppy kiss and left. Good for you. So, with this Brangelina lot... Brangelina no more. It's difficult for the very, very beautiful. Yes. They struggle, don't they? Yes, we do.

In some ways. Yes, we do. No, but it's hard, isn't it? I thought that's what they didn't do, really. No. The very, very beautiful. Well, no, they don't initially. I think they get the short-term gain.

But I suppose what's hard is there's a lot of choice out there for these good-looking ones. Yeah, I think they get the short-term gain. But I suppose what's hard is there's a lot of choice out there for these good-looking ones. Yeah, that's true. But you could say the same about AJ. Who's AJ? Angelina Jolie. No, I'm talking about both of them. Yeah.

Right, yeah. I'm very sexist. I thought I was talking about the man. Well, because he's... I get the impression that he's the one who strayed, not her. Isn't that the case? Well, there's been talk. I mean, there's been a lot of talk.

There's been a lot of talk. Nannies. Careful of the nannies, Frank. Oh, no, yes. I, um... Get a nanny cam. That's what they do, these people. Yeah, be careful of the nannies.

I think she looks a bit like Victoria Pendleton. Yes. Yeah, I can see that. So why... Wouldn't it be brilliant? Imagine if he went out with Victoria Pendleton and then the headline could be The Pit and the Pendleton. Very good. Google it. Edgar Allan Poe. Short story.

Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Oh, yes. She's filed for divorce. And I'll tell you who moved almost as quickly as the lawyers and the assembled press of the world. Madam Two Swords separated the dummies.

I know. Literally by the next day. Can you believe that? Amazing. I didn't like the footage, because I like to think there's some expertise behind what goes on at Madam Two Swords, and they look like what appear to be two students with aprons.

It's shifting it. And they were sniggering. Were they? It was disrespectful. I know it was. That's wrong. They don't snigger. Also, if they get back together now,

that's going to be a grim thing when they put them back. I mean, I don't think Angelina ever forgive Madam Two Swords... No. ..for separating them. I'd be surprised if she returns to London based on that footage. She might boycott the whole of the country. I mean, who knows what she'll do now. She's an explosion

waiting to go off if you ask me there are a lot of gifs Frank gifs? oh gifs you know what gifs are don't you is it when people use a photo and then put some sort of caption or something of that manner on it

no I would call it an animated shot you know those things they're sort of caption or something of that manner. No, I would call it an animated shot. That would be a good description. You know those things? They're sort of moving constantly. Like a mini-program. I believe it stands for graphic interchange format. Oh, that's good. Oh, does it?

OK. That's good to know. Anyway, the point is... Like what? What was an example of a gif? Well, it's hard. You'd have to see it, really. Can't you describe it with words?

Is that what's happened to conversation? That we have to say, it's on my phone, you're a woman of alien words. Oh, calm the hell down. This is your special day, and I don't want to spoil it for you, but please. Come on, then, tell me a gif. OK, so, for example, in this instance, they would have a shot of Jennifer Aniston in Friends as Rachel, raising her eyebrows repeatedly over and over again.

See, that's good. I get that. That's better than Sini, I bet. All right, darling, I'm so glad to hear that. There was a Jennifer Aniston quote in a paper I read. Apparently she said, That's karma for you. That's what they said. Now, I think that's a made up quote.

I don't think she said that. Are you sure the Dalai Lama didn't tell her when he was asked? I mean that is a really kind of catch all quote, isn't it? Like if they're going to make up a Jennifer Aniston quote, they could have said something like, yeah, I'm really happy. Like they could have gone full blown. She's never been happy again, I'm afraid. She hasn't been happy. They completely rewrote her.

She went from that cute girl who used to wear those little kilts. And then they made her poor Jen. And now she's Miss Havisham. Imagine her at home next to a decaying wedding cake. I mean, the poor husband who she's been with for a couple of years now. Oh, poor man. Handsome. Very handsome.

Very lovely, literary heritage. He has. Justin Theroux, yes. Yeah, yeah. Can I... I remember there was quite a long period when Brad Pitt was the go-to good-looking guy. So if you had to do a joke or a remark...

Oh, you're hardly Brad Pitt. That's what it would be. I mean, obviously, I remember the days of Elmo Sheriff when he was in that... Indeed. When he was in that bracket. But who is it now? Because it's not Brad Pitt anymore, is it? I would say David Beckham.

Really? Or Ryan Gosling, perhaps? Oh, the Goss. Oh, is he well-known enough to be in that seat? Oh, the Goss is... I can't imagine our Nora saying he's no Ryan Gosling. Well, she's not on the benchmark of popular culture, Frank. I always think she is.

I think she'd probably say Rock Hudson. Even now. What about Bieber? It was George Clooney. No, he's not fanciable. Oh, come on. He's more in the young and troubled seat, isn't he? He's an absolute freak.

If a homosexual got ill and I had to step in at the last minute, Bieber would be my... he'd be my choice. You'd go too. Has that met me a bad person? Well, it makes me very happy. Why? Because I'd be working with Bieber. Oh, I see.

I meant for love. Oh, I see what you mean. I know what you meant. I didn't know that. I mean, I know he's 22, but it's only for one day. Conversation's not really important. Don't say that. Well, it's true, isn't it?

I think he's a very, very handsome chap. I think Brad Pitt is for one as well. I remember when Michael Parkinson was in the sort of go-to men. Really? Desirable men. Yeah, in the 70s. All women loved Michael Parkinson was in the sort of go-to men, yeah. Really? Desirable men, yeah, in the 70s. All women love Michael Parkinson. No. I'll tell you what he is.

There's a whole group of men that men think women fancy. Top of that list? Pierce Brosnan. No woman has ever fancied him. Men think he's good-looking. I just imagine Pierce Brosnan. I've never met him, but I imagine he smells... He's meant to be a lovely man, actually.

He smells so strongly of aftershave. He wouldn he's meant to be a lovely man actually he smells so strongly of aftershave you wouldn't be able to be in the same room i just i'm lovely but don't fancy him what if he's driving to a football match in the uk today and he hears that oh women don't fancy if he's driving his son maybe to a sport yeah to do judo yeah how old is son about 41 yeah yeah he's quite troubled i think think he's done. I'd like, who is it now? Who is the, who's the person?

Well, I'm going David Beckham, but perhaps I'll read a scene differently. I think maybe Brad Pitt's absolute obvious go-to best looking man on the planet has never quite, even though he's not in it

anymore because he looks like, he looks like Max Headroom. It was George Clooney for a while. Oh, yeah. Wouldn't you say? Yeah.

Michael Parkinson. It's not Michael Parkinson. I couldn't cope with that. Couldn't cope with being, during the physicals, being interviewed. That was lovely, Michael. I was a bit surprised when you showed a clip from National Treasure. I don't want a free pen. I'm going.

Frank. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio We've had a text from Eddie who said his highlight of the Brangelina week was Sunita going on record to confirm that the split was nothing to do with her. I love that

Can I also go on record to say whatever is happening in Shaquille O'Neal's life it's nothing to do with her i love that can i love that also go on record to say whatever is happening in shaquille o'neal's life it's nothing to do with me i mean it's the same isn't it really i love that i mean it was great she might as well have announced she's retired from international football no one thought for a second she said it's nothing to do with me and then she said i haven't spoken to him about it no because you haven't got his number yeah you do surprise me who would he think oh god i've divorced my wife shall i speak to that girl that i broke up with 27 years ago i mean don't um don't get me wrong she's uh she's still a hot potato that would have been just only three years after Frank gave up the drink. Is that when they went out? I don't think Brad had given up the drink.

She was... To be fair. She was with David Essex as well, I think. Goodness me. Oh, she got around. In a good way. Yeah. Great navel.

Yeah. I quite like Sunita. If I had to do the composite celebrity woman, she'd be the navel. Would she? Yeah. Would she? Would the cheeky girls get a look in? Um, well, on the navel front.

I'm sure there'd be bits of them in various other places, but I think you can't... It's turning into a sinister link, isn't it? It is a bit. Yeah. Just assembling someone's identity. Well, I didn't know we were going to... Email. I didn't know we were going to expand it.

Oh, whose feet would be in there? Let's go right from top to bottom. Oh, Winslet. We'd go Winslet with a size 9. Get more for your money. Nine and a half. Expensive, though, Frank. Yeah, exactly.

Happy. Good thing in high winds. Hands? Any hands? You got a hands crush on any? Oh, I don't know. Let's have a look. The trouble is you can't trust the hands,

because often it's not them. Do you know, Al, I would love it if a man said that. Oh, I'm a hands man. Oh, yeah. I think that would be very original. I'd be worried about that. What does that mean, I'd think to myself. Well, that's better than some of the alternatives.

Anyway, the point is... And the other woman denied it. Marion Cotillard. No, Marion Cotillard. Marion Cotillard. Oui. Well, she denied it in a brilliantly French way. Yeah.

Because she did a bit of a when the seagulls follow the trawler. Did you hear her statement? She said, this crafted conversation isn't distressing. That's because English is her second language. No, but I liked it. I quite liked it.

She said, to all the haters, quick to pass judgment, I sincerely wish you a swift recovery. I was surprised that Marianne Cotillard had used the word haters. She said to all the haters, quick to pass judgment, I sincerely wish you a swift recovery. I was surprised that Marianne Cotar had used the word haters. If it had been her as well, Brarian is a rubbish composite. Brarian, yeah. Brarian.

Otherwise he could have gone for mad. For Marianne and Brad. That's not very good. The best one would be if he, this is unlikely, but if he struck up a relationship with Margaret Beckett, it would be bracket. Yeah. And if there was a sense that Angelina wouldn't let him go,

there could be a headline that said Ange and bracket, which I think would be worth it. It would be worth having a relationship with Margaret Beckett just for that headline. Come on Brad. Join him with a comedy mate. For a change. I bet he's big on laughs Brad. Probably laughed five times in his life. Three of them on drugs.

This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Do you think that they are now doing sit-ups like people normally do when they split up? Brad and Angelina. Split-up sit-ups. When you think, you know, I've got to look good for the next one. Oh, the Kardashians, I believe, call it revenge body. Is that right? Oh, is that?

That's a good thing. I suppose they've already got revenge bodies, though, have they? Yeah, I suppose they don't really have to work hard at that bit. I think her fitness regime is basically drinking the blood of local virgins, I've always imagined. Yeah, she's got a vampy thing, hasn't she? She's got that. She used to carry,

I think when she was with, um, was it Billy Bob? Yeah. Oh, yes, Billy Bob Thornton. When she was with Billy Bob, she used to carry, I think when she was with, was it Billy Bob? Yeah. Oh, yes, Billy Bob Thornton. When she was with Billy Bob, she used to... He was more up her straws, though, I think. He was? That's what I've heard.

Yes. That would not surprise me. He's fine. I'm thinking now about Thornton's chocolate cabin. Do you remember those? No. So, Bilbo. He, they, I think they wore around their necks a file of each other's blood.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I quite like that. Yeah, it's sweet. Yeah. Yeah. So, I think she has got that in her game. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm not sure if they will be doing the sit-ups, though. I suspect they both are probably thinking, I'm going to meet someone else. I've never had any problems with that. In fact, I would put a good, I'd put a bet on that they will each meet somebody else attractive in the future. That's my... Yes, I think that's true.

Hold the front page, guys. How many kids are there back home? Six. I think there's six, yeah. Oh, yes, you know, it's difficult, isn't it? Single parent, six kids. Oh, they've got the page, guys. How many kids are there back home? Six. I think there's six, yeah. Oh, yeah, it's difficult, isn't it? Single parent, six kids. Oh, they've got their kids, yeah. Yeah.

And he's on the motorbike. Is he? Yeah. Bit of midlife, that one. And they had a skate park around their house, didn't they? See, that's hard to replace. Yeah. The next relationship.

Say, you're very cute. Do you have a skate park? No. Oh. He might end up going out with Tony Hawks or something. The skater. Oh, yeah.

I bet he doesn't. No, I don't think he will. Who's next for Pitt, do we think? Oh, yeah. Not Marion Gautier, for certain. No, she's't think it will. Who's next for Pitt, do we think? Oh, yeah. Not Marion Gauthier, for certain. No, she's made it very clear. She's with Charles. Who would be typical?

I bet he goes out with someone who's got a surname for a first name. Taylor Swift. She's available. Oh, yeah. But she's very many years his junior. It's going to be like me and Bieber all over again. I don't like Pittitswift either. Oh, no.

Bit Grin. What's the first... Braylor. Braylor. Or Tad. Yeah. Tad Swift. Oh, Tad Swift.

I've heard he's a Tad Swift. That's what put Angelina off in the end. Oh, God. 30 years of comedy genius. Ah, 30 years of comedy genius. 30 years of thirst. Frank, if you're choosing sexy feet, you have to go for Bridget Fonda,

especially in Jackie Brown. You're welcome, Rosie and Tring. I tell you what, if I went for really strange feet, what about in Kill Bill, when Uma Thurman opens the car door with her feet, and all the toes are like, they're real individuals. They're all going in different directions. Yeah, she's got... Now, you'd think that that would be a foot double doing that.

That would be her day off, we'll do the feet next week. And if that was a foot double, what kind of an eccentric foot double booking was that? With the person who's got toes going all over the place. Yeah. But, yeah, but it's stuck in my mind, Uma's weird feet. They're not Egyptian, are they? I have Egyptian feet.

Egyptian feet? You don't know about that? No. Oh, I'll explain to you after the break. Oh. Speaking of Egyptians, we haven't heard anything about the human pyramid in the police display team.

Does it still happen? Where can I go to see one? When? Yeah. Come on, guys. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Earlier on Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, we were discussing... Well, I introduced the concept of the Egyptian toe. Oh, yes. The Egyptian foot.

Yeah, what is that? And you both look slightly flummoxed. Oh, at least. I believe there are five sorts of feet. There's Egyptian, Roman, Greek. I think there's Germanic. And I think Celtic is the last one. Now, I'm Egyptian, and I know I'm Egyptian because that means I have what's called a tapered foot.

So my toe's tapered down. Do you know some people have the second toe longer? I think that's Roman. Oh, hang on, I might be that. So have a look at your feet later, guys, and I'll be able to tell you what they are. I'm doing it right now. Okay. While Alan's taking his feet off...

I'm not looking at my feet, I've just had a chocolate biscuit. I just said, while Alan's taking his feet off, like he's some Mr Potato Man. I would like to... He's Palio, I think, Mr Palio. Oh, yes. I've got an anecdote I'd like to tell you. Second toe is longer, by the way.

You're Roman. Sick. Frank, you're probably Germanic you're probably german in a good way frank skinner on absolute radio i've got an anecdote to tell you an anecdote let's settle but it's also a bit of a whatever happened to oh excellent because it involves something you don't see that often these days which is a love bite no wasn't that one you didn't oh here we go no you get them all the time he never lets no one in no we talked about them i did it was one of my whatever happened oh good okay

i think i mooted toothpaste as a possible solve i think you did i love it when you moot. Yes, we have discussed love bites on the show. Now, this love bite belonged, I mean I say it belonged, it sort of was his, it was, uh, to someone I work with, Josh. Okay. Who works with me and he's a lovely, he's a lovely one of my boys. And he's- Richard! He's just started dating another gentleman. Okay.

And I just, I was talking to him. He was making a cup of tea. So it's a gay love bite. I always think that gay people... I think I call it a gay love bite. No, it's just a love bite. I think you can under these circumstances. I always imagine that gay people are so cool,

they wouldn't adopt some of the naffa areas of the... But then again, they chose marriage. Exactly. No, that was a joke. But you know what i mean they're a bit too on it to adopt the love bite which is fading in as we've said in the heterosexual community even well i don't know who he's going out with roland rat it appears because i've never seen a bite like it you You sure? It's not like a... You know when the people fall into the enclosure? You know, fall into the enclosure stories? And it's a chimp bite.

Right. A chimp bite can come up, I mean, really perfect. Frank, you should have seen this one. It was Dracula. I mean, I've never seen anything like it. So, you know, I've obviously been working with Frank Skinner for some time, so I did the only natural thing, which was, is that a love bite?

Yeah. Honest. And he blushed, which again, very 70s, don't see that often. When you blush with a love bite, does that blush also, or does the rest of your skin sort of join it in a closer... The love bite was such a giant contour to the mark. It was on the neck, was it? Oh, was it on the neck?

Just clear that up as it's breakfast radio. Right by the Adam's apple. Oh. Yeah. Sounds painful. He was dicing with death there. You don't want it turning the Adams. No.

So anyway, I said, look, in the nicest possible way, I think it's lovely and it's great that you're having such fun. I did, yes. That's a little patronising, but I like it. I said, I'm glad you're having such fun. I did, yes. That's a little patronising, but I like it. I said, I'm glad you're having such fun on your nights out. However, you have got a meeting later and I'm not sure how professional it is. He said, OK.

I said, would you like me to cover that up for you? He said, oh, well, I've tried. Has it not worked? I said, has it not worked? I mean, I've never seen anything more obvious in my life. See it from the other side of the office kind of territory. I imagine you've got, in the fashion industry, you must have some office cravats.

Yeah. Can't you just go in the polo neck cupboard? No, but he was wearing short shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. It wouldn't have worked with his look. Oh, yeah, that is one of those problems. Is he at work? I've had the exact same problem. The exact same problem.

I've had a huge love bite on the neck, short shorts. Was it dress down Friday? No, it was a normal day in the office. Dress up Thursday. So I took him to one side and I got the equipment out and we started what I call the great cover-up. You tattooed his neck? I was there for at least, I'd say, 18 minutes it took.

Wow. It was quite an art form. 18 minutes? 18 minutes. I can see you were charged. Well, quite an art form. 18 minutes. I can see you were charged. Well, I was at first. Your hourly rate, that is. Someone tried to show me something to do with work.

I said, excuse me, I'm trying to cover up Josh's love bite. Oh, I outed him. I mean, not in that sense. He's out already. Can I just say Josh is out? He's in shorts. I don't know why I'm in shorts. I think you're... I don't know why I'm sure.

I think you are. Now, I would have thought that someone would have come up with a health and safety reason to not have a love bite by now. Yes. Some sort of clottage or something of that nature. I was just saying about the love bite. The reason I don't see them often is you don't... Is he worried about clottage? Oh, my God.

30 years of hurt. I really thought you were going to go for a clottage? Oh, my God. 30 years apart. I really thought you were going to go for a clottage cheese joke. No, certainly not. Far worse than that. I always like to go a little step further. Good for you. It's the secret. If you're listening, kids, you're young comics.

I know you listen to this in awe. Well, some of them do. You don't get a lot of love bites in The Elderly these days. When I say The Elderly, I mean... Let's leave it. The Elderly... Let's leave it. I like to leave on that. You don't get a lot of love bites on The Elderly nowadays. I don't think we're going to top that in this hour. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215. I think you should. Yeah. I think it's important that people have a voice. Yeah. You can follow the show on Twitter,

at Frank on the Radio, or, I mean, then again, you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Yeah. Why not? Ah. Do it. Why don't you do it prisoner 457 has texted sexy feet look no further than marie frederickson female half of rock set oh do you remember her she used to perform barefoot

on stage and my boyfriend used to think it was the sexiest thing ever back in the day loved the 80s i'm gonna be honest i hadn't read as far as loved the 80s. Loved the 80s? Prisoner 457, I love. I'm going to be honest, I hadn't read as far as Loved the 80s and it's now made me chuckle. Well, she might be listening to us on Absolute 80s, of course. Maybe. Which is the place for her, I would suggest. Can I say, I'm not

a big fan of the Who's Got the Sexiest Feet texting. It feels a bit... You feel it's betraying your love of Zola Bud? I'd like to point out... No, I feel it's... It's macabre. A little bit creepy.

Horrid. I'd like to change the subject by saying that we should celebrate the 80s today, not just because Absolute has an entire station themed around it, but because this was the decade that Frank gave up alcohol. Indeed. 30 years ago today, ladies and gentlemen.

Congratulations. Do you want to know what the top five songs in the charts were on the day? I like it, I like it. That's a positive, positive thing. Frank, the day you gave up alcohol. Yeah. These were the top five songs in the charts. Okay. I've done this research off my own bat, as a gesture of love. The Communards, Don't Leave Me This Way. Oh. Don't leave me this way oh don't leave me this way i knew we'd do it i don't i knew i wouldn't be surprised if it does them all

i think we have to pay for that okay number two jermaine stewart we don't have to take our clothes off um don't remember that okay i do i'm not gonna sing it i know when you get the wrong idea to take our clothes off baby no he says we could drink some cherry wine we could drink some cherry wine i know that one boris gardner i want to wake up with you they're all a bit um seedy i'll take our clothes i can't wake up with you but what about Sunita so macho no yeah she's everywhere

yeah and Peter Satira glory of love top five on the day Frank Skinner gave up drinking yes

enough to make you start again one of them I remembered yeah the others nothing well I know

I suppose it was a time you were paying a lot of attention to the hit I was forgetting a lot of stuff whereas I know. I suppose it was a time you were paying a lot of attention to the hit parade. No, I was forgetting a lot of stuff. Whereas, you know, now I can look back on Gunnar's Barclay. Yeah. As if it was only yesterday. He doesn't remember much about the hit parade in the 80s.

No. I don't remember much about the 80s, but I like the smits. I remember the smits coming through the gloom. Well, you say that was coming through the van doors when you were lying on the Central Reservation. I like the van doors as well. I don't know if you remember them. Van Morrison replaced Jim Morrison.

What are you going to do to celebrate, Frank? Well, my doctor said I should do something remarkable, but what could that be? Yeah. Have a non-alcoholic wine and cheese party. What about a yard of vimto? That'd be good. I tell you, that would take some about a yard of Vimto? That'd be good. I tell you, that would take some drinking a yard of Vimto.

That'd be delicious. Oh, well, I've got an idea. When you brought the back up, your teeth would be in the bottom of the ear. What about you work out what you would have spent... Work out? Forget about it. What you would have spent on alcohol over the last 30 years, and you buy yourself something of the same price. I bet he wasn't buying expensive alcohol

so that's probably about 18 quid. No, but if you're talking about percentage of my earnings. Oh, yeah. 94% of your earnings in the last 30 years. That's great. I used to go in, what was it called?

Safeways. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Whatever happened to Safeways? And think, oh, I'll get some oak hat. Oh, that's a pint and a half. I honestly used to think that I'd reject things on the strength of how much alcohol they cost. You should get yourself a present based on the guesstimate of alcohol that you would have purchased.

I think that's a great idea. I do. It's a tough one to work out. I think that's a great idea. I do. It's a tough one to work out. I think you're getting into the hundreds of thousands. Do you think? Yes. Well, still, I'd buy some sort of aircraft. Well, you could buy a car.

I could buy a car. I think you've saved yourselves a car's worth of money, definitely. Well, the fact, I suppose, I can drive whereas I couldn't walk. You would have had paternity suits. You would have had all sorts if you'd have carried on drinking. I don't remember any suits. Yeah, not real suits.

No. Well, I'll think about it. It'd be good to do something remarkable. It's not often you get advice like that from a doctor. Do something remarkable on Saturday. It's the sort of thing you'd get from a doctor. No. Do something remarkable on Saturday. It's the sort of thing you'd get from, you know, a self-help person. 753 has said someone passed away recently

or had a stroke from a love bite. No. I don't believe that. It's a dark morning on the show, isn't it? It is. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had some wise words from Dave363 on the text messaging,

and he says, don't spend your booze money on a thing, in inverted commas, spend it on experience, that's money well spent. Wise words there, Dave. Well, I mean, so-o. Why not be so wise words after all? Exactly. Centre of the modelling agency. I see there are seating windows all over here.

A lot of modelling. Naomi Campbell's just down the end of this road. Is that right? Yeah, a tiny little one-bed a little... Did not know that. Tiny little one-bedroom flat. Did not know that. Always seemed to be on the first floor rather than the ground floor. That's weird. Anyway, we should really discuss these triathlete brothers that have been making...

We've already done showbiz news. We should do triathlon news. Yes. The Brownlee brothers. They're, you know, brothers that get on. Are they called the Bro-Bros? I think they might be. Bro-Bros.

Well, they should be. Yeah, the Bro-Bros. Brothers that get on seem to do triathlons, and brothers that don't get on seem to be in a band and have arguments. Is that pretty much the gist of it? Or they're at the upper end of the Labour Party. I suppose so, yeah, yeah. Johnny and Alistair.

Is that right? They're amazing, Johnny and Alistair Brownlee, though. I watched them in the Olympics. That triathlon thing, it doesn't even look like anyone's properly organised it. People just run into the sea. Can I tell you what it reminded me of? The celebrity parade in Loch Ness that you and David Peele went on, where they hadn't even bothered with the crowd control,

the odd metal barrier, but that was it. To me, it looks like, you know, oh my god it's my husband, he's got that sort of feel to him. So they run into the sea, they come out, jump on a bike soaking wet and it's complete flat out stuff. It is.

They go so hard that in Mexico, one of them had a bit of heat exhaustion, was it? Heat suffering, he was too hot. You're a physical expert. Am I? Yeah. Oh, very much so.

Don't know about that. Oh, God, I'll say. But he staggered, didn't he? Went all wavy and then his brother came and put his arm round him and sort of carried him over the line. He reached the wall, his legs went, didn't they? His legs went, yeah. They buckled, I would say. Yeah. His brother came around the corner. And it was lovely, actually. It was nice, wasn't it? Well, it was nice and it

wasn't nice. I'll trust you to see the bad side of it. No, no, I agree with Frankie. Tell me why. Okay, tell me why. Well, if I found Keith staggering in the street, which is not out of the question, can I say, because he didn't give up. That would be mid-triathlon, to be fair. No, but if I saw him, you know, looking like he was in trouble in the street, I would care for him. I wouldn't put his arm around my shoulder

and run 400 yards making him run with me, which is what he did. He could have killed him doing that, surely. No, I think he saved him. He knew he wanted, he would have wanted to cross the finishing line. Even the use of he would have wanted. I've had my thoughts with his family.

Because he was his family. It was so Hollywood movie. Very. Very much so. It was dangerous to me. It wasn't, Frank. I think it's more dangerous for the sport of triathlon if brothers are allowed to help each other over the finish line he didn't qualify as properly

finishing surely if he was carried across he did? I don't think he was carried across well he was more or less carried I mean don't get me wrong, he ain't heavy he's my brother, you know that's how they came up with that apparently they were driving up a hill and they saw- you know this story. No, they saw the brown list.

Who is this? The Righteous Brothers? No. They saw a guy, er- Who sang that song? They saw one- The Hollies. Yes, very good. I think so, yeah. I think they saw one brother giving another brother a piggyback or a backy up a hill. Well, how did they know they were brothers if they were going up a hill? They said to them, they stopped and said, do you want a lift up the hill? And they said, no, we're brothers. He said, it's okay, Ian Heavie's my brother,

and they put it in a song. Well. That's what I've heard. I don't know if that's true. Long, long road. Sorry. He'll sing any of them. Can I interrupt that to just say that,

I don't know his name, his Twitter handle is at Thurston, and he has an inquiry. Has Lecoq sportif been using sun in oh no it's uh he does look like this three weeks in a row i know but someone one someone has an ass so i have to pass it on i think now i come to the sun has gone in now i look at lecoq i think he's gone a bit david van day he's still not an element of Brad Pitt about him? Yes. I wish. I think there is.

I wish Brad Pitt was about Matt. I think you've got those eyes, you know, into the Manchurian candidate. I think I'm more Nicholas Lindhurst than Brad Pitt. No. That's what I would go out there and say. Did you see Nicholas Lindhurst in that... Seven.

Good Night. Good Night, Sweetheart. I thought you were going to say Only Fools and Horses. Late review. They did a remake of Good Night, Sweetheart. Oh, did they? You know that sort of thing. And they had Nicholas Lindus as he is now.

All right. Absolutely harrowing. Reminded us of when we saw Ian Lavender on his hands and knees outside Zilly Fish. Frank, did they... Had that sort of feeling. Did they credit him instead of as himself? Did it say with Nicholas Lindus as he is now? Silly fish. Frank, did they... Had that sort of feeling. Did they credit him instead of as himself?

Did it say with Nicholas Lindhurst, as he is now? Nicholas Lindhurst, bracket. No, really. This is Frank Skinner of Snoop Radio. We're going to just briefly step out of the Brownlee brothers' story. Good, I need a breather. Yeah, we can do that to you. We've had some people attractive updates. I still think people...

Can I just say this? We were talking about... We talked about Brangelina, in case you've joined us late. And I said that there are certain seats in life where... Yes. If you refer to something, like if you referred to a fat person, perhaps I shouldn't go, not a fat person.

If a thin person, it used to be Victoria Beckham, for example. Yeah. Who was the fat person? I don't know if we should put a name in the fat people. Oh, I see what you mean. It would have been. There's a man on the telly with one of those, wouldn't they get white bits on their mouth?

They should stop the interview straight away when they get white bits on their mouth? They should stop the interview straight away when they get white bits on their mouth. I say, excuse me, you've got white bits. I'm like, you've got white bits. Sort yourself out. No, he looks like he's permanently got white bits. So it was Brad Pitt was the handsome, gorgeous. Brad Pitt was, if you mentioned a good-looking man,

you'd say to someone, it's all right, I mean, he's no Brad Pitt. Exactly. That was the one that you went to. And we were trying to think of who it is now and who else there's been. I suggested Beckham, but we weren't sure. And we were trying to think of who it is now and who else there's been. I suggested Beckham, but we weren't sure. Clooney got in there, although as you know

I think he's a bit Greek school run dad. Rock Hudson got a mention. Well, by you. Particularly by you. Frankly, by no one else. And passed away in 1907. 505 has texted, I still think people say you're hardly tom cruise to someone

less attractive that is 100 he was totally in the good good looking blood he was absolutely that so but the confusing thing about that is that there must have been a crossover when um it was like a sofa the good looking seat with with brad and tom. Well, Tom jumped on the sofa, as we know, famously. He did. I really fancied Tom Cruise quite badly. The crush was very severe. He still got it for me. Are we talking Top Gun?

Cocktail? Top Gun was the absolute peak. Cocktail, yes. Yeah. Rain Man? No. No. He had a raincoat and played some weird brother.

No, he wasn't the weird brother. That was Dustin Hoffman. I don't even call him the weird brother. I wasn't saying the brother was weird. No, I'm an excellent driver. I didn't feel... It wasn't a particularly hot role he played. No, he wasn't that nice, was he?

Well, I mean, you're right. I think he's slightly been, and I know how this feels, he's been slightly desexified by his religious beliefs. I'm just saying, I would tolerate Scientology for him, I think. Would you? See, I used to think

that Nicole Kidman would have been in the beautiful woman's seat for me. Oh, would you? Really? Yeah. Wow. She's always been a bit oh would you for me really yeah wow she's always been a bit not she had a she had a a stretch in it was in the beautiful woman's seat now oh well there you go who is it it's not well for a while it was scarlett johansson wasn't it it was probably angelina jolie could have been see thing. It was a marriage of the two seats. They just reached across from the boy-girl seat. Yeah, you're right.

Anyway. Who is it now, young people? We don't know. Oh, one of the models. Cara Delevingne. It's someone like... Gigi Hadid. Yeah, I bet it's her.

Stroke him. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Andrew Denny has got in touch to say, he's called it Remember, but I'm going to turn it into a whatever happened to, the Pyrex glass handled coffee cup.

Oh, I missed that. Yes, I remember those. Do you remember those? Starfram cups, I remember those. Do you remember those? Starfram. Starfram cups, I call them. Oh, yeah. Do they not exist anymore? They had those in the Starfram in the green cups as well. Okay, I'll give them a...

Whatever Happens. Can I do a Whatever Happened To while I'm at it? You can, darling. Whatever Happened To, the stripy workman's hot that you used to see on the street. Oh, yeah. They used to... on the street. Oh, yeah. They used to have a little beach hut. I once saw a workman in one of those doing bacon.

Brilliant. Actually sitting, cooking some, and I thought, I remember thinking I would really like to live in one of those. Oh, would I? Well, you sort of did for many years. No, well, I lived in a bedsit, and when I lived in a bed seat, I remember at one point, I lie on the floor. Obviously, quite a lot. But I lay on the floor and I thought to myself,

I can now reach everything I own from this position. That's pretty special. That is good. But do you ever fantasise about living in a very, very tiny place? No, not really. What, like a barge? A really tiny... I like the idea of being snogged up. I know what you mean. I like a cosy space.

I know what you mean. I used to have a sort of wanting a narrowboat kind of daydream and then remembering that I'm six foot three and that it would be a pain. Like I'd be constantly bumping my head every time I went anywhere. I know what you mean in that I like a cabin and I know you do as well, Frank. Oh, I love be constantly bumping my head every time I went anywhere. I know what you mean in that. I like a cabin, and I know you do as well, Frank. Oh, I love a cabin. Cabin in the woods, hello.

Oh, nice, yeah. I've been sent a lot of coldzyme this morning, which is a stuffy spray. I've been using it because I've got a cold. They're not saying it's a cure. How's it going? How's it going for you? We're experimenting.

Fabulous. I just love watching you spray in. It looks fantastic. Yeah, so thanks for that. And it says it will keep your voice in tip-top condition all through the cold or flu season. When it says tip-top condition, does it mean it'll be frozen, stiff, like a tip-top of old?

Oh, maybe. I should have thought about that before they chose the turn of fries. 650 has texted Hi there, loved the Brownlee piece, meaning the Brownlee brothers, one of them helping the other across the line. Like you, I was concerned about getting his brother over the line

rather than medical help. Turns out his brother knew the medical help was at the finish line. Total heroes, both of them, that's what he says. So the medical help was at the finish line, not a hundred yards before it. Yeah, but they would have come to him. Eventually. You know all this thing about don't move the body, that's the whole thing that you get in films.

I think that's for a back injury or a... What about the South African? What, who got a... I believe he was called Henry Schumann. You got a mood on. He won as a direct result of He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brothergate. And I don't think he'd quite realised that, you know, he wasn't the star of the whole thing.

People were cheering and going wild, and he thought it was all for him. He started high-fiving the crowd. Oh, that happened to me once. I was on stage at the London Palladium. Oh. And I finished the show and they cheered and then the cheer went through the ceiling

and I thought they absolutely loved me. I turned around and there was Michael Aspel with the This Is Your Life. I had a complete fool of myself. But it's good to have anecdotes about making a fool of yourself, which include the fact that you were big enough to be honest with your life and at the Palladium.

That's how I structure my self-effacement. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank's insulted the star. I haven't. Has he? I have not. Yes, there's a terrible fallout. Oh, I missed that. I haven't. Has he? I have not. Yes, there's a terrible fallout.

Oh, I missed that. I haven't insulted anyone. That's not how I operate. Isn't it? I would never. So this is your story, really, the Brownlee's owl. This is how I think of owl from this world. I think it's because it's masculine fitness.

No, it's not. It's the extreme end of what can happen to the human body. I'm the least extreme. Oh, you're so right, Fanny. I always say that. I don't do that. I do very normal stuff. But I like the story.

Not least because... I remember when Al used to have stories about putting his belt into the driving position before a journey. Do you remember that? So he's got that room. He's gone a bit more hipster vegetarian now. I think he's gone Robert De Niro in Cape Fear. When I look at Al, I think tattoos pending. Oh, do you?

I'm just drafting them all now, even as I'm doodling. Is that the grappling, though, Frank? It's the judo and all that. What's it called? Hapkido. Hapkido, and all that. What's it called? Hapkido. Hapkido. It's funny. What?

See, the fact that he finds that funny shows how he's deep in the world. He gets a different martial art every time we talk about it. He loves a bit of local material on the judo. I did the belt. I've never done the belt thing before. I went to the... Put your belt on drive setting. I did. I went...

It's a nice thing. I did it. I put it on opera setting. I was at the opera. Did you take it off then? You don't take the belt off, that's gross. No, you move it down a hole. Oh, I know what you do. So, no, I just

and I thought of Al and I thought, I know what Al, what would Al do? That's what people do. Wad, wad. And I loosened it and it got me through the whole of Cosy Fantuti, which was... It's all the nights like that.

Three, yeah. Which often happens when you loosen the belt. Yeah. I often think Cosy Fantuti sounds like R2-D2 drowning. That's the sound he'd make. Anyway, it's a beautiful story, but I think... And also a lovely bit of footage. I really like the bit where he crosses the line,

and he doesn't, for people that haven't seen it, he doesn't collapse, like, slap his face to the floor. He sort of just lies on the ground, like somebody that really wants to lie down. Like, he kind of goes down in stages like the other- I think his brother throws him on the floor. No, it's lovely. He does.

I think you guys have seen more. He tries to kill him and then he throws him on the floor. We always see the positive. I mean, people are saying, oh, there's going to be a book deal,

a movie deal. What about two men that didn't win? I don't want to see that film. I know, but they did win. They won the big one. What was the big one? BBC.

They're going to win BBC Sports Personality of the Year, aren't they? No, but this is what made them famous. They could win it together. The helping one is going to win it Sports Personality of the Year, aren't they? No, but this is what made them famous. They could win it together. The helping one is going to win it, and the other one will help him up to the stage.

That's what my guess is. Oh, they'll do a joke. They'll do material. And if only there was a song. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. If these athletes are going to push themselves to the limit like that, why don't they take a little pick-me-up before the race? What do you mean?

You know, some sort of stimulant. Well, I think some of them do, but let's not go there. I'm surprised no-one's thought of it before. I can give you an example from my own life. From when you were a transfer? I once went into a cafe and I had Keith was in there. Surprisingly, I didn't know he was going to be in there. It was by the new shops, you know, top of Bristol Road.

And Keith was in there and he had a herringbone overcoat on. This sounds like an episode of Made in Birmingham. I love that show. And I said to him, that's a nice coat. He said, oh, here you are. And he just took it off and gave it to me. Nice. Now, that to me is a bigger thing than what the Brownlees did.

Yeah. Yeah, but it's not got the column inches this week, has it? No, not yet, but now I've put it out there. I'd love to have seen that coat. I bet that was a cypress or ice. Me and Keith will break the internet now. We'll be the branch at Crank. I should think the paparazzi are outside the door now looking for a...

Freeth. Freeth or Crank. You can think the paparazzi are outside the door now. Freeth. Freeth or Crank. You can decide, you headline writers. But the Herringbone Exchange will be, I think... I mean, they were a great band. Bit jazzy for me. Anyway, thank you so much for listening this morning. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out! The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.