The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - 36 Cards

Episode Date: February 3, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank has been counting his cards and flaunting his tooth pick holder on TV. The team discuss Michelle Obama and Melania Trump, Theresa May in China and a new version of Monopoly.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8-12-15 this morning. Yes, you can. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Those are your options. Please, choose one.

You did seem to struggle to wonder which Alan you'd booked for the show there today. I'm just trying to give it a bit of vim. Partridge? You've got to be careful when you do the same. Who else could it have been? Which other Alan? 8, 12, 15.

Alan Ladd who played Shane. Titch Marsh? Alan Ladd, who played Shane. Titch Marsh. Alan Ladd, I think, was one of those people who used to do his scenes on a box or with the other people in a trench. He was a good-looking, bulky-looking, you know, strong man, but short. Oh, no.

Okay. There you go, Alan Ladd. Anecdotes. Yeah. An expose of Alan Ladd early on. We've got, we'll keep those

Alan Ladd anecdotes coming on morning. Cheryl Ladd was, do you remember her? Yes, was she the... Charlie's angel. She was his, I think,

daughter. Daughter-in-law maybe. I think she was, she looked like him. Oh, okay. She was laddish. Was she a new lad? She was one of the new lads.

Weren't we all? I was the king, of course. You were? Hey! You know they've got this Spice Girls reunion? Does that mean there's new lads reunion? That'll never come back. It will be loud in the current climate.

Oh, okay. Now, I'm afraid it's the one popular culture phenomenon that has been unforgiven. Oh, yeah. I saw a series of black and white photos in something like the Sunday Telegraph magazine about skinheads. Now, I know skinheads have got a certain heroic... But they were quite a violent subculture in aspects,

which the new lads never were. No. It was Elizabeth Hurley in a negligee. But there's also lots of great writing about films, fashion. It's like James Sims in a carry-on film. Anyway, it's all gone now.

Gone but not forgotten today on Absolute. No, completely forgotten. Airbrushed from history. I think people have forgotten the good bits. You know, I sometimes do a troll of the... Oh, yeah, Donna Eyre's in the paper, maybe. Donna Eyre and the Spice Girls. Donna Eyre and the Spice Girls, surely.

We've reached peak... Fantasy football. We've reached peak 90s this weekend. Yeah, it is. It's gone extremely 90s. If you're listening to this, by the way, on Absolute 90s, you'll probably think, yeah, what's new

true but have a good time guys they must love me on Absolute I can't believe I'm on Absolute 90s people are listening thinking how did we get him what a bookie he's massive

he's absolutely massive he's got about 5 series on the telly people on the 80s are saying, well, he's a club comedian. Did he get a job as... And then people listening to this are saying, is he still alive? So I'm covering all the decades.

You are. What else? Oh, yeah, I'm 36, case before you ask. You're 36? No, I got 36 cards for my birthday. Wow. Did you? That's how you judge the measure of a man. How many birthday cards did he get?

Oh, don't say that. No, I don't believe that. I love that you counted them. Oh God, I'll say. I'm just imagining you sitting there going, oh, seven, eight, nine. When I was thinking 34 and then I had three latecomers on Monday. Can I ask a question, please?

Did you gather them all together as an activity and consciously say, I'm going to count my cards? No, they were all on display, and I sat back, and I counted them with a long... You know those sort of pointy sticks they use in 1950s lectures? Yeah. I used one of those. Yeah. Yeah.

There was one, I just tweaked the badge on it. Oh, yeah. You know you get a 61 today badge. Yeah. Yeah, it's very handy on the bosses. Yeah. Get a lot of people standing up for you. And I jumped three places, jump three places.

That bad jump. You didn't mention to me last week that you take a note of the birthday cards that you get. You make sort of a little mental calculation of your popularity. Oh, yeah. I remember looking at you quizzically. Yeah. As if, do you? Doesn't everyone?

If you didn't get any, wouldn't you be a bit gutted? I think if I got somewhere between three and 50, I would feel exactly the same. Well, I would imagine... I didn't answer my question. If you got less than three, you'd be gutted. Yeah, probably. If I got zero...

It's all about scales. That's what I was telling my anaconda last night. I thought it was going to be music teacher. We were talking about a moisturiser. And that just cropped off anyway. Sorry, you were saying? No, I was just going to say, I would expect to get the majority of my birthday greetings

via a sort of digital means, I'm afraid. I don't count. I certainly don't count those. Okay. Well, I sent the text. Those are the, those that couldn't be bothered as far as I'm concerned, but the cards. You sent me a card. I did. I did the text as a follow up, just so you know I care. I don't mind a follow up text text. As well, but not instead. That's my motto on so many areas. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Daisy, my producer, just gave me another Alan Ladd fact. Do you know that? Yeah. Alan Johnson, the former deputy leader, was he, of the Labour Party at one point? He got quite high up at one point. He was named after Alan Ladd. What about that?

Great. Good fact. Cheryl Ladd, who I mentioned earlier, also named after Alan Ladd. Mm-hm. In fact, we were all named after Alan Ladd. Yeah? Chronologically speaking. Yeah.

But, you know, that's... Well, Nogget has been in touch with his personal favourite Alan. Oh, yeah? Other than Lecoq, is Alanis Morissette. Oh, Alan Morissette. And he started a hashtag, hashtag Fave Al. Oh. Yeah, I think the trouble is what's happened there with Nugget is... With Nugget.

He's gone into the development before he's established the default. Right. See, what you need is like six or seven Alans, and then Alan has been like a move forward. And you can subvert the humour, yeah. But you've got to build, otherwise suddenly you're not on a concrete stairway anymore, you're on a rope ladder.

He's subverted very early doors. Too early, too early. You're being firm about this. You don't have the second episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, it's a musical. That has to come way down the line. Much later. Come on.

So, yes, I had a fabulous birthday. 36 cards, didn't I mention that? 36. 36. And there might be more on the way. There might be one. There's always liable to be one down the back of the piano. I always think.

So what did you do for your birthday? Now, I got dumped by someone when I was a young man. But they didn't dump me. they just didn't contact me anymore. I believe it's called ghosting. I believe that's called ghosting, no. Oh, well, yeah, now it was. Then it was called being dumped but not being told. And I actually moved.

We had an upright piano quite near the front door. I actually remember wrenching it away from the wall, thinking that a letter might have come and bounced behind the piano. It's the most tragic thing. It's a bit like thinking far from the Madding Crow. Does a letter go underneath the... Yes, under a rug, is it?

Under the rug and that changed the person's whole life. It doesn't really happen with emails. No. But there's at least one person listening to this who has sent an email that would have changed someone's life and it hasn't gone into trash. You were going to say, I bet there's at least one person listening to this that has read Thomas

Hardy's stuff. No, I bet there's loads. Don't text me. What about when Frank sang Somebody Stole My Girl? It was, yes. So anyway, I was speaking. Yes.

So I, I, I, Kath, one of the presents that Kath, my partner, got me was that she, she made, she got me a membership of the English Companions. Oh. Oh. Good. What? Yes. Yes.

What are they? It's a right wing organisation. No, it isn't. It's a right-wing organisation No it isn't What if it was though? I just casually mentioned it not knowing that that was a big deal And also we were too embarrassed to admit we didn't know what it was so we went lovely

I think even people on the left listening would have thought they'd been so charmed by the fact that I'd done it naively they'd have forgiven me for being a member of a right-wing organisation. But anyway, it's not. It's actually the Anglo-Saxon History Society. Oh. That's lovely.

Which a weird thing happened to. I think I've mentioned this before. Last year, I suddenly got utterly fascinated by Anglo-Saxon history. Did you? Yeah. So I got a quarterly magazine called Bindweed. That sounds good. Guess what?

Guess what? Is it really called that? Are you pulling our leg again? No, I'm not. He's like, no. I'm not. Honestly, it is called that. And I got the first one in sort of photocopy form.

There we go, Al. Brilliant. We're waiting. What? Is that just the truth? I think Emily thinks there's a punchline coming. No, no, that's the name of their magazine, Bind We. It just sounds quite cat weasely.

Yeah, he was late medieval, I think. Oh, I'm pleased. That's a good gift for you, though, Frank. We love things like that. I guess what my membership number is of the Anglo-English Companions, Anglo-Saxon History Group. 89. Is it?

It's good, I like that though. Maybe they've started again. Yeah, they probably went right through the numbers, began again, and zero. So when do you meet up with your companions? Well, I'm thinking there'll be talks. Oh, that'd be nice for you.

I mean, I'm not joined as my stage name. I'm joined as Christopher Collins, my birth name. So they won't... Well, now they know. They won't be listening to this. The 88s. The 88s won't be listening. The 88s won't be listening to this.

The 88s. Yeah, they won't be listening. They won't be... They'll be brushing dust off off a coin somewhere but no

the great thing about Anglo-Saxon history can I tell you this is that nobody really knows any yeah so the 88 do

it's a bit of you're on a bit of a level playing field I mean they know more than I do obviously but it's a bit it's a bit mysterious a level playing field. I mean, they know more than I do, obviously, but it's a bit mysterious, the whole... It's all special. Especially early Anglo-Saxons.

It's a bit like fainting. Right. Does it exist? Or is it a conscious decision to suddenly lie down? I don't think anybody really knows. People have said to me, oh, yeah, I fainted, I couldn't. And they said, I couldn't help it, I just fainted. I said, really me, oh yeah, I fainted, I couldn't. And I've said,

they said, I couldn't help it, I just fainted. I said, really? They said, I just fainted. I just, bang, I just went. I said, was there any point at all when you thought, maybe I don't have to faint if I can fight it?

And they said, yeah. Any doctors, please text in on 8-12-15. Yeah, we won't be able to read the writing. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank, we've had our first Correzione of the year, certainly the morning. I would say the morning. OK. I'll give you a... Correzione, Correione, ole, ole, ole. That's terrible. I'm always waiting for a big crowd to come in

singing it. As if that... As if you could get... As if you could... Yeah. Helen has been in touch to say the letter under the rug was from Tess of the d'Urbervilles.

Unless Thomas Hardy used the same plot device twice, I wouldn't put it past him. When he was on tour, he might have done. Yeah, mix it up a bit. To be fair, did I say it was in Far From the Madding Crowd or did I say I think it was Far From the Madding Crowd? Ooh. Can we check the tape?

I don't know, but thanks for letting us... We're not having Hawkeye. Yeah, exactly. We're not doing Hawkeye. Yeah, exactly. We're not doing Hawkeye. What's the football one called that they're all jumping off the bat? It's like in Big Brother when they say, I never said that. I did not say that.

I'm happy to have been wrong about that. But thanks for letting us know, Helen. That's Tess the d'Urbervilles. I don't know if I've read that. Well, I know that better than Far From the Madding Front. Well, I think I would. What's your,

which Thomas Hardy novel do you know best? 8, 12, 15? Well, I think... Two on a Tailor? What's the chances? I think she might be right. I'm going Mare of Casterbridge.

No, she might well be right. Yeah, I'm going Casterbridge. Sorry, loves. I might have got mixed up with the Valentine's card to Farmer Boldwood. Oh, right. Anyway.

If we dropped off her now. I think that someone downstairs has just slowly turned us down. Three balls in a pub. And played some Kings of Leon. Raise your hands. Is it reef? But you don't often get a Casterbridge reference on commercial radio. No.

Go on, Frank. It might be the first ever plug for Bindweed magazine. So I think that's possible. I went to the British Museum. That must have been mentioned before. Oh, sure. Room 41, which is where the Sutton Hoo burial stuff is. You know, that's another Anglo-Saxon...

Oh, OK. Possibly... Change for you to be in room 41. Right, because normally we know where you are. Yes, possibly King Radwald of East Anglia.

I was going to say. But then again, we don't really know. It's all guesswork. We don't know. It's all guesswork. Love it. What was his name? Radwald. Didn't you think it was facts that made history hard work? Oh, yeah. Yeah, so I would recommend it. You must have seen the helmet, pictures of the helmet.

It's an amazing... Yes. Oh, yes, yeah. And, oh, the great buckle. It sparkles. Absolutely sparkles. It sparkles. Yeah.

What's the great buckle? That was Elvis, wasn't it? He liked a big buckle The great buckle was when my knees went walking back from Barbarella's after 17 pints of lager in 1982

It would have been earlier than that I think Barbarellaossa was shot then before we had a correction on that from some Birmingham nightclub historian imagine that maybe so good time at the British Museum and then on to

Cinderella Rockefellers then on to Cinderella Rockefellers for the evening that was a night spot where the youth liked to go I didn't know that name to Cinderella Rockefellers for the evening. What's that? That was a night spot. Oh, was it? Yeah, where the youth like to go. I didn't know that. South London, I believe.

I think it might have closed now. Named after the Esther and Abby Afarim single. I don't know. Oh, loads this morning. Good knowledge. You're my Cinderella, you're my Rockefeller. Come with me. I like it. Ooh. Come with me. I like it. Will you come with me?

Jacob Marley at the end of it as well. Sorry to Marley. So I got a picture of me with the helmet. Did you? And the way I've took it. Are you allowed to do that? I think you're allowed. There's people with cameras there.

And the way I've took it, it looks like I've been photobombed by the helmet. Oh, that's good. The helmet's just in the background looking over, doing one of those faces that helmets do. Yeah. You know what I mean? A bit visory.

Oh, yeah. It was in advisory capacity. Ooh, lovely. I felt that tickle on the way out. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We've heard from the outside world.

Just to let you know that it's coming in. I don't want you to get paranoid Sometimes I think it must be a technical fault I thought that literary chat might have made us drop off air But I'm checking, the texts are still rolling in It's fine, we've always got the 88 as well now It wasn't too bad We mentioned Elizabeth Hurley

895 has texted A friend used to date a girl called Tessa Who worked in catering Much to her annoyance, he christened her Tess of the burger grills it's fine work absolutely excellent and we've also had

106 has texted Cinderella Rockefeller was in Guildford closed after fire slash fight or something like that oh yeah like miscellaneous fire slash fight or something like that. Oh, yeah. Like miscellaneous. Fire slash fight? I don't know what the insurance company

would think of that. It's a bit non-specific. Test the burger grill. I had a mate who batted well above his average with this girlfriend, and she was called Alison Piers. And she's pretty, but she had very

sticking out she had those ears that really stick out you know but she had that sort of 60s you know beautiful hippie girl type feel to her anyway so we were on

holiday me and him together in a caravan. There was five young men. We was in our teams. That must have smelt nice. Yeah. And he sent her a postcard, and he put it, Miss A. Pierce, he wrote on the thing.

And then, unable to resist it, Miss A. Pierce. And then he put in brackets it Miss A.P. and then he put in brackets after A.P. and she finished with him I like the fact he sacrificed probably the best

looking woman he'd certainly never been out with and almost certainly he'd ever likely to go out with for that part for a part

in parentheses as well I bet you were thinking respect. I mean, yeah. Oh, respectamundo was probably first coined. My kingdom for a pun. Apparently she was heavily pressured by the parents who saw it. Oh, that's true.

To get rid of him. There could be no future in a man who couldn't resist the APS. Right. Pun. So here's an interesting gift I got for my birthday. My brother-in-law bought me five copies of The Vinegar Girl by Anne Tyler. Oh.

Do you know it? No. Has it got different covers? No. Oh. What? Exactly the same. All the same.

Is the idea that you have to give four of them to people that you think will like it when you've read it? The idea is, is that me and him and Kath and Rachel and Sandy Mason, the sort of nuclear. Yeah. The gang. That we start a book club. Oh, that's nice, isn't it? Oh, I love that idea. It's a clever idea, isn't it?

I like that. Very clever. You went a bit Yoda then, didn't you know that? Yeah. It's that's nice, isn't it? Oh, I love that idea. It's a clever idea, isn't it? I like that. Very clever. You went a bit Yoda then, didn't you know that? It's a clever idea, isn't it? That's all right. I don't know, what would Yoda say? A clever idea it is. I wouldn't say idea clever.

He's not in the book club, can I say. No. Too fast to read him, isn't he? What would Yoda say is obviously my life motto. Yeah, that would be it. I used to have one of those, what would Jesus do key rings. Did you? What would Yoda say would be a good one, yeah.

Flew in the face of syntax. Yeah. Didn't care. Highly inarticulate. Yeah. Tests of the d'Urbervilles it was. That's the text we'd have got from Yoda. I love the book club, Frank.

Because I mentioned to you before that Yoda has got the walking stick in the films. You know, he's got the walking stick. Something that troubles me about Yoda. And then if there's a fight, say, you know, with another, like with, you know, Darth Vader or Dooku or something like that. Right. That lot.

Yeah. Suddenly he's doing triple somersaults. Right. And all that. He's a benefits chief. Clearly Yoda is claiming the disability benefit. Yeah. I've gone off him a bit.

Don't put me off him. It's all right, you know, I'll believe this. Pictures claiming the disability benefit. Yeah. I've gone off him a bit. Don't put me off him. It's all right, you know, I'll believe this. Pictures of him on holiday. Yeah. In the paper, I've seen them. Imagine him at the office, eh? Total mistake it was. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a message from Simon, a regular texter. He's the Cotswolds art dealer. Oh, yes, he's one of my regulars, actually. Yeah, he said, Morning all, re-Frank's newfound love of Anglo-Saxon history, which I'm sure we'll continue to discuss. I'd like to know what spawned this newfound love.

He then says, I assume Frank wears his leather crown when visiting the Sutton Hoo hoard. I didn't do that. Opportunity missed. Yeah, I would have felt a little uneasy if I had it, to be honest. Would they let you in

to the British Museum in a leather crown? I think they might think that you're coming to reclaim some of your stuff from the past. That'd be awkward. You normally wear that when you're with some of your other friends. If you know what I mean. Yeah, that'd be different.

So, yes, I'm now a member, not only of the English Companions, but also a book club, my first ever book club. Lovely. And I started reading The Vinegar Girl by Anne Tyler, female protagonist, and Sunshine in the first chapter. It's a new world for me.

Oh, wow. Are you going to be competitive with Kath, though, about who's got furthest down the line? Oh, yeah. I think it would be more wanting to be the most impressive at the seminar. Yeah. The seminar? Are you reading it holding a pencil and furiously scribbling marginalia?

I think there's an obligation if you're in a book club not to just read it and then hope you remember some interesting story. You've got to bring stuff to the feast. Yeah. Sounds like you're creating a lot of work for yourself. I said it in Beowulf. Yeah. Well, I mean, I thought it was a great idea.

You're a busy man. A great idea for a present. Oh, by the way, I did the wand show on Wednesday. Just the wand show. Oh, yeah. I caught some of it. And can I say, there were a lot of comments about how fabulous you looked on the old

clothes front. Really? Yes. What were you wearing? Well, I noticed just a pyjama jacket. He looked absolutely stunning. He had a lovely shirt, very stylish. Oh, wow. And I spotted a stripy sock,

and I wondered if there was some bamboo action going on there. Oh, excellent. It was one of the socks, well, it was two of the socks, actually, that you bought me for my birthday. So, yeah. Not only that, but what about this? I got out, at one point, I got out my toothpick holder

that you bought me for my birthday. It's already been on television. Is it really? Yeah. I love seeing a present getting such early usage. Oh, yeah. And I said to them, I said, I carry this with me all the time.

I didn't mention I'd only had it four days. Yeah, but I like the idea of one show viewer thinking you went out and into a shop and said, hello, I'd like an engraved toothpick holder, please. Yeah. I told them it was a gift. Yeah. I tell you, I love the one show.

What I love about it is it's one show-ness. It's unashamedly one show-ness. They said to me, we just want to do a bit of a thing before. So we've got Gordon Buchanan, the animal cameraman. He's not an animal, he's a film. It's not like animal hospital when I tell you I'm thinking there'll be animals doing operations with excitement. You know, scalpel sellotape to an Alsatian's foot.

And it's people. Rubbish. Anyway, they said Gordon Buchanan's got animals with cameras on their heads. So can we put this camera on your head? We want a suggestion that we see what you see. And then people guess who you are. Lovely. So you said goodbye to your dignity.

Yeah. So I was happy with that. I was a bit worried about the hair, but to hell with it. So I put this thing on. And they said, and we just want you to look. This is your table in the dressing room. We just want you to look at it. And I said, OK, I'll look at the table. And they said, can we just want you to look, this is your table in the dressing room, we just want you to look at it. And I said, okay, I'll look at the table.

They said, can you look at this? And what was on my table, casually laid out in my dressing room, was a lever, like I would pull on Room 101, a portrait, a West Bromwich Albion monk, and a book, which I turned over to reveal the title, Best Bromommy Jokes. Those were the clues. And Brommy was spelt

B-R-U-N-N-Y which I was not happy with. Unless that was a joke. It's not a great one. I was up there with ape ears. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran You can text the show on 81215 follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio

email the show via the Absolute Radio website What was that text number again? It was 81215-15, Governor. Frank, we've had a Whatever Happened To. Oh, yeah. I want to see what you think of this. This is from Dave Mutton. Hmm.

He says, Morning, Frank, Emily and Al. Just got back from a trip to Australia and have a Whatever Happened To for you. See picture, which obviously the readers can't see, but I will describe it. Or me.

But hold your high horses, I'm getting there. Are you going to do a pen picture? I'll be your eyes. See picture of small plastic tag to reseal bread. Oh, yeah. Has that gone? Gone. Yes.

The hard tags. I mean, you tend to get more like a sellotapey effect now, would you not say? Oh, yes, I suppose that is true. The hard yellow tags. I feel you're somewhat reluctant. I don't. I think they might still be. I'm a big fan of the

corn cake, which still does the hard tabs, so maybe I'm getting a bit confused. Do they still do the hard tab on that? I don't eat that much bread, and when I do, it's from the deli, so it'm getting a bit confused. Do they still have a hard tab on that? I don't eat that much bread and when I do it's from the deli so it comes in a paper bag. Okay well. I don't think it I'm not sure it qualifies for the one I've had. I had enthusiasm for you.

They're not mutton fans here. I wouldn't say that. What can I tell you? I think I didn't I met, meet him at a fancy dress party where he was dressed as former England batsman Alan Lamb. Oh well done. You didn't go George either, you went Alan. No, Alan. Another Alan. That was where

Alan Lamb toured with Ian Botham, one of those Q&A. Oh, yeah. And it was called Beef and Lamb in a Stew. Oh, that's nice. Who'd have that? I bet that was a PC evening. So, I would like to talk now, Frank, about Melania Fasledi.

Can I tell you one thing that happened to me on the one show? Please do. You know, when you do any kind of chat show type thing on the telly, you have a researcher phone you up and say, you know, just like, what have you been up to and stuff like that, just to get an idea of what to talk to you about. A few days before, yeah. Yeah.

And a very nice woman phoned me up and was asking me stuff, you know, and she was talking about the show I do on Sky Arts, Portrait Artists of the Year, which is on at the moment. And she said, if you could paint anyone, a portrait of anyone, who would it be? And I said, I think Pope Francis.

And she said, really, that's unusual. I said, is he that unusual? She said, yeah, Pocahontas. And I said, no. How could, yeah, Pocahontas. And I said, no. How could I possibly paint Pocahontas? She did exist, I think, but I'm sure she's no longer with us. She was real, was she, I think.

She was based on a real person, I believe. I think she was sort of toured as an exhibit of the Native American. I don't think it's quite that pleasant a story. Yeah. But, yeah, but I can't, I mean, what's the chances of getting her in for a... She'd be an incredible booking, I would say. Yeah, and also, you know,

the composition to include the feather. Yeah. When you corrected her and said, no, no, no, I said to Pope Francis... She moved on, she moved on. Oh, did she? Did she? She didn't say,

we'll try and get him. We don't have that kind of controversy on the one show. I'll tell you what was great. There was a man who was, he was a member of the Dentist Society. Well, I saw that bit because you made a great joke, Frank.

Did you? God bless you. Go on, do your joke. Well, do your joke well do your joke I loved it but that was a Christmas

cracker joke the one I said I love this guy I'm an extractor fan oh come on but he

I showed him my toothpick thing obviously he's the head of the dental or something imagine how excited

I was I was saying this and and they said to him would you approve of that and he said yeah yeah that's that's great and I don't know how excited I was after seeing this. And they said to him, would you approve of that? And he said, yeah, that's great. And I don't think you're actually supposed to use cocktail sticks.

They discourage it. Oh, is that what you've got in there? Yeah. But he was showbiz, which I liked. But he went with it, which was great, even though he flew in the face of all dentists. I was going to, for a second, I considered my underpants story. You know, my dentist's underpants story. You know, my dentist underpants story.

But I thought the one show. Do I know that one? I don't know if we know that one. I can't remember the dentist underpants story. Are you just considering whether to tell it? Yeah. Is it suitable for telling this one? Why don't you have a little think and then we could come back to that.

I'm just going to have a little think. I love the idea of a little thing. It's not... I'll tell you what happened, shall I? Yeah. OK, I went... The first time I ever went to the dentist, I had six teeth out.

Oof. Wow. And the second time, I had six teeth out. What? And the third time, I had four teeth out. In those days in Birmingham, fillings were seen as, you know, a bit foppish. Unnecessary.

Well, how did you eat? Soup, mainly. But anyway, on one of the occasions, you know, they give you the general anaesthetic. Right. Local? No, general. Like proper out?

They knock you out. Oh, OK. Flatten your teeth out. And that night, and I swear to you this is true, that night when I went to bed, my underpants were on back to front. Now, the chances are, obviously, that I just put them on back to front that morning, but I have never put them back to front on before or since. You can see why I was reluctant to tell it on the one shot. Maybe breakfast radio isn't the right place for it.

But it's a mystery. It's a bit like the Anglo-Saxon history thing. We don't really know the details. But it's nagged at me for many a long year. Anyway, can you get me a car? You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Now, before the rather marvellous

but somewhat disturbing underpants story, I was talking to you about, first lady, Melania and there was an incident which you may well recall on inauguration day big day for everyone the official handover photos

outside the White House big crowd biggest crowd ever tremendous this crowd was tremendous and she Melania did a bit of an unusual, extraordinary thing. She handed Michelle Obama a large Tiffany box with a bow on it. And everyone's always kind of speculated.

It was very strange, the whole thing. And Michelle Obama has finally spoken about it on Ellen, I think. And she said, it was a bit awks. Those weren't her exact words. But she said, there's all this protocol, and what am I supposed to do with this gift? Because you can't have a branded Tiffany box. Oh, is that what the problem is?

You can't have the official presidential photos holding a big Tiffany box. I've always found this a strange story, because I never realised what the problem was. Oh, it was the branding that was the problem. What do you mean? Who cares about the protocol? What you do is you open it, you go,

oh, thanks very much, and then you just... No, you don't. Listen, have you ever seen any presidential handover photos? Is anyone holding an Amazon box with John Lewis' plastic bag with some Ferrero Rocher in it? No. But surely she could... One would hope it would be an Amazon Prime box. At that level of society.

Make it look like it was a bit last minute when they finally thought to get a present. I mean, in the same way that you don't even turn up to a wedding holding a gift. Oh. You can't turn up to an inauguration with a gift. What about Anthony Turner? Nobody told me.

Do you remember when they had the chocolate bars at their... Yeah. Well, I hadn't picked up... You know, I read this story, and I remember the incident at the time, and I'm with Al. This is a bit of a Eureka, idiotic Eureka moment. I didn't get it was the brand.

I thought it was, where do I put this? Yeah, I just thought... Well, there was an element of, where do I put this? But I think she's sort of trained enough to realise that it's quite distinctive and recognisable the Tiffany branding. If she's that trained, she should have a roll of gaffer tape hanging

off her belt, which she can just go straight over the branding with, like they do on telly or somewhere, apart from North Face, which is all over the news. She did say she found, she said that, you know, her husband saved the day. And I did, have all over the news. She did say she found... She said that her husband saved the day. And I did.

Have you seen the footage? I did like it, where he dealt with it. It was just a human being being very decisive, which was very attractive. Was it like Batman getting rid of the bomb in the 1966 movie? When he's just running around looking somewhere to throw it where it wouldn't damage him. And he decides against the water

doesn't he? He does about nine there's like a five minute sequence where Batman runs around with a sizzling bomb in his hands. He says let me just put this inside he's fantastic he deals with it so well. And people were giving him stick in the street about running around

with a bomb and I don't know but I wouldn't barrack a bomber. Very good. Lovely. Anyway. How's it up there with the extractor? I, um, I I feel sorry for Melania in all this. She bought a present, and Michelle didn't

bring a present, and Melania gets the stick. Yeah. You don't turn up, I carried a watermelon, I said. You don't turn up to the White House with a plazzy bag. What up I carried a watermelon I said you don't turn up to the White House with a plazzy bag what is I carried a watermelon it's from Dirty Dancing

you'll love it it's a great movie yeah I think it's one for the ladies is it one for the ladies yeah I've had the time in my life

hello it's a good film though to be fair I might watch that with you anyway she revealed what was inside it as well. She said a lovely frame.

Now, come on, you must be with me on this. Who gives a frame without a picture in it? Oh, I've had a couple of empty frames. Give me a heart, remember, who gives a frame? That's when you shut the front door. I thought you'd forgotten we were on the radio. I don't give a frame. But Melania will never be able to cite that. Because people say, well on the radio I don't give a frame but Melania

will never be able to sign that because people say well actually you did give me a frame

she'll be like I didn't mean that I obviously I was being a little yeah exactly

I don't know how Melania speaks I'm not sure I've ever heard her speak Transylvanian today

although I've just done the thing that I hate people doing Frank which is critiquing or commenting on someone's eyes. I'm really sorry about that.

It's fine. In this instance, I think. It's a feeble-minded thing to do. If she'd been a bit nicer to Melania, and if she'd opened the gift there and then, she could have done the pictures looking through the frame. Oh, yeah. Which would have been great,

because then if you were a fan of Michelle, you could cut that out, and you've got a were a fan of Michelle, you could cut that out and you've got a little framed picture of her, you could take the other people off it. Yeah. That wasn't thought through. I wonder if you'd take one of those framed filler photos in it,

you know when you get a picture, you get a photo of an unnamed person that's in the frame, to give you a sort of helpful idea of what one might want to do with the frame. Yeah. Maybe put a picture of a person in it. Possibly four pebbles.

Is that another thing they use? I felt sorry for her when he just walked ahead though. I was reminded again of that horrific moment. Oh yeah, when he forgot he had a wife. Just wandered off leaving her. What else could... Awful.

What's the strangest thing you've ever had framed at 12.15? I'd like to... I've got a framed letter from Johnny Ray, the 1950s singer, to a fan explaining away a sexual scandal he's been involved in. Have you? That's framed. Lovely. Well, Frank, I like framing a letter. Well, I can.

I've got a framed letter. I believe I've said this before and you know this. I've got a framed letter from Arthur Miller. Wow. From you? Yes. To you? Yes.

Wow. On Gucci notepaper. That's fantastic. It was on Gucci notepaper. That's fantastic. It was on Gucci notepaper? Yeah. What does it say? Stop bothering me. Now, that's brilliant.

I mean, it's a short note, but it's lovely to have it. Excellent. He just discusses, you know, the weather largely. But I was so happy to have it. I've got a letter from Alan Benny where, for some reason, I must have had a mental breakdown. I wrote to him in the 90s. Can I just get my body sorted to cringe?

Asking if he'd like to co-write a play with me. He was so sweet about it. He said no, but in the nicest... Well, obviously he said no. In the nicest, sweetest possible way. Brilliant. God bless him. Thank you very much.

Cheers, Alan. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I don't know if you've done this on purpose, but you seemingly have began a texting, which could become a feature of the show. It's the strangest thing you've framed. I like to call it You've Had Framed.

Oh, that's good. No more Roger Rabbit jokes, please. Well, we have had... Yeah, we've had a bit of that. I frame Roger Rabbit, sorry. Oh, that. But we've also had... I thought you were going to say it sounded like a confession.

We've had some other bits and bobs. 857, hi Frank, the strangest thing I've ever framed was the bones of a customer's cat which had passed away years ago. That's from Lee from 90 Degrees Picture Framing. Wow. He's probably seen a lot of other framing stuff.

He would have been born in the 70s. He's got some stories from... 30s, 70s, namely. A friend of mine sent away for some framed bats, like stuffed bats on the front lawn. A friend was in there. David Baddiel. I think we've got a bug in the house.

We've got some kind of odd, you know, rare bug framed somewhere. But this arrived broken in the thing, so the bats were exposed and they put it on the table. And the flatmate's cat ate both the bats. They were probably stuffed in the 19th century. Right. Ate both the stuffed bats from the frame, from the broken frame, and then disappeared and never came back ever again. The cat did?

Cat gone, I'm afraid. Oh, dear. Sorry, guys, for that story, but it just came to me in a thing. I realise it's not all that fun. That would be a good one. Dark and light, remember that? Yes.

I like the idea of sorry, guys, for that story as a concept in your life. Yeah. I've got to be careful. That could become my catchphrase on tour. That's your next tour, Al. Yeah. Al, what about Alison Davis

who's got in touch saying the strangest thing we have framed this week yes she works in a framers okay is a picture of Quincy MD oh Jack Klugman

do you remember yeah of course and she's do I remember no I don't know where that Jack Klugman thing came from

well it says she says loving the show she's at Boland Picture Framers and it's Jack that Jack Klugman thing came from well it says she says loving the show she's at Boland Picture Framers and it's Jack is it Klugman yeah in a queue he's just standing in a queue

yeah he's not standing in a queue in the letter queue oh I see I thought you meant he was queuing surely as a coroner that would have been a marvellous pun-based picture. But no, this is...

Oh, so it's Quincy in a queue, which is still a pun. Yes, there you go. Yeah. I wonder who... And is it signed or something? No, I'm not sure. Perhaps you can furnish us with some more information. I remember I wrote to Peter Falk asking for his autograph.

You do a lot of letter writing, don't you, to celebrities? Well, this is going back a bit because he's no longer with us. And he sent back an autograph for Block Capitals. Did he? I thought, come on. No need to shout. Well, you remember my autograph story, Frank?

What was that? To Emma Love F Bruno. That's alright. I don't quite like. Bruno. Oh, that's all right. I quite like F. Bruno. 548 has got some framed tins of tomato soup, dot, dot, dot. Well, to be more precise, limited edition Heinz and Warhol Tommy soup, four tins in all.

Oh, I've got a couple of Warhol prints. Mmm. Soup. Nice. Soup. Nice. That was the nanogram of what I've got. You have to put it all together. We'll do the syntax, Yoda. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. Some soup tins I have. Just move along the queue, please. Yes, of course I'm available for work. So, I went out of the Yoda syntax, and we spoiled it somewhat. But when we edit this, we don't edit it, you say. I love that you gave yourself such an instant review.

No, I know. I think when you get it wrong, just put your hand up. That's what Rod Holwood said to me. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had an update on the Quincy photo. We have Alison Davis at the Framers says, it's not signed, this is incoming news,

breaking as it happens. February 27th, 2018, has had a Quincy picture not signed framed yeah yeah there's got to be a bigger story

Alison says it's not signed she said I think they just like it maybe it's a gift for a she knows someone

who's a coroner or something like that and it's next to the certificate in the office Quincy hasn't been on TV

for about 20 years, has he? I should imagine, though. Was he a coroner? Is that what he was? He was that kind of thing, wasn't he? Yes, I believe so. I think probably amongst coroners he's still a pin-up boy. Jack Clogman. Yeah, Clogman.

Yeah, I think Jack Clogman was also in the TV version of The Odd Couple, replacing Walter Mattel. Anyway, who cares about that? Me. What about, I'm still, I'm so impressed about this, the branding thing on... Yeah, it's good news, isn't it? What are you impressed? That's what it was all about. You are the key to this story for me, Emily Dean.

This is my assumption, I have to say. No, it sounds exactly right. But I would imagine, as the Tiffany branding is so... Well, I'm going to go iconic. It also explains. I once gave the Queen a bouquet of flowers. You know, you present them with a bouquet of flowers. But it was in a JD sports bag.

Yeah. And she just handed it over like immediately yeah I thought I'd keep the sign off her clothes and stuff but the Queen does that though

you get a small beautiful little girl will turn up in a lovely moment and they'll curtsy and give them flowers they barely touch the glove

they're just passed on to the to the assistant yeah I'm envious of the Queen being able to wear gloves I want to wear those every day why can't you wear gloves They barely touched the glove. They just passed on to the assistant. Yeah. I'm envious of the Queen being able to wear gloves. I want to wear those every day. Why can't you wear gloves? I don't like shaking hands.

That's why. I've told you this. I met a security guy who worked at the palace, and he said that they have a bonfire about once every three months when she burns a great big mound of gloves in the ground. No. Because once they've touched the public hand, they're regarded as not, you know, yeah.

I mean, Annie QPR has been in touch, Frank Al, to say, I have to say, both Quincy M.E. and Columbo are both on TV daily. Oh, true enough. Are they? Really? I don't know. No, I suppose she's just explaining why he might still be relevant. Right, but I mean,

I wouldn't have, for example, a frame picture of Dog the Bounty Hunter on my wall. Or Jeremy Kyle. Well, actually, I've got one of Jeremy Kyle. But that is signed. Which is different. I wish you had that.

Very sweet as well. Sorry about the underpants, I think it was. Anyway, that was... At the time, wasn't there a brief point where the Trumps and the Obamas... Didn't Trump say something like, very nice people or something like that? There was a moment when there was almost a friendship between them. Yeah. Yeah.

Yes. Because now he's a bit like... You know when you get the builder come round and say, God, the last bloke's made a right. He's a bit like that now. Yeah, yeah. About what he calls the former administration. Yeah.

But then I think he slightly melted a bit. Just for a moment. So that interview with Ellen. Oh, yes. She gets all the big names. Well, it was part of her 60th birthday celebration. Two-parter she got for that. It's not exactly Radio Frank, is it?

Oh, you got the whole station. And also she got Michelle Obama and she got Jennifer that it's not exactly radio frank is it and also she got michelle obama and she got jennifer aniston is jennifer aniston still worthy of still 60th anniversary two-parter oh yeah she's a she's still a massive star big star okay it does all right yeah i don't know what's she been in just lately i saw in an advert and i always think that's the end, isn't it? She's on telly every day, Frank. She's on telly every day. In an advert. She's like Quincy in that respect.

Yeah, I know. But I mean, imagine if I went into my local Framers to get a Jennifer Aniston picture frame. That would be weird. That'd be on Twitter, wouldn't it? Imagine if I went in the very 90s, I'd get a top load of one. Don't think I'd open the ladies' hair stylist

and that was for the window. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Well, it's not just Michelle Obama that's been in the news about gifting. It's Theresa May as well. She met the president of China and wait for it.

Or President Eleven. Yes. She gave him a DVD in an act that I would say is possibly naive. It was a rather oddball gift. It was the Blue Planet 2. She had the, I don't call her Theresa May, I call her, what's her name with the Jacob Marley necklace.

She loves that chain necklace. I've never really noticed that. Oh, I have. I'm surprised it hasn't gone up on my S&M community chat room. Yes, it's the weirdest of all. She knows about China and the DVDs. Do you think she's even ever equated the two

as a thing that could go together? Well, not just that, but it's such a cheap... What was she expecting him to say? We've never even heard of these. These look brilliant. But it's such a cheap gift. I was at Lambeth Palace once

and the Archbishop of Canterbury gave me a bit of some of the things he'd been given. They were amazing. Really remarkable, unique, thoughtful things. And this bloke gets stupid Blue Planet DVD. When you say this bloke gets stupid Blue Planet DVDs.

Although she would have... When you say this bloke, you mean Xi Jinping. I mean President 11. She would have paid full whack for it, presumably from the BBC website, and then she's taken it to China. No, it said there were bootlegs, it said in the mail. Well, it said...

Saying it to China. Calls to Newcastle was the headline. Exactly, yeah. It said... I mean... Well, she... It was made worse by the fact that Emmanuel Macron gave the president a horse. Not just any old horse,

but a presidential cavalry horse called Vesuvius, which might be the most macho gift I've ever heard of in my life. Yeah, used to be my nickname in my teens. Oh, dear. It was... most macho gift I've ever heard of in my life. Used to be my nickname in my teens. Did it? Yeah. Oh dear. It was, no, but there was, and also,

not only, not only did she give him, bear in mind, we're over there begging for, trade. Yeah. We've actually,

she should have given him a bowl, which she stood, no, knelt. She knelt next to him holding. We are begging

we're saying we really do need somebody to trade with so you really want to win him over do you know what I mean

so what does she give him some DVDs of the stupid blue planet thing but also a message

from Attenborough yeah saying don't get put plastic in the Also, a message from Attenborough, yeah, saying don't put plastic in the... Yeah. Well, also, it's kind of worse, because haven't they just said they're not going to accept our plastic waste anymore?

Yeah. I believe. Yeah, but DVDs are plastic. They're in plastic wrappers. Yeah. Absolutely. I bet you, as we speak now, they are already coasters

at the President's House. Mind you, at the President's House, probably Zoe's Vesuvius. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

They were also given tea, Theresa May and her husband. They were given some Lapsang Souchong. Of course they were. And, I mean... Sang. There's a couple of things here. Do you think there was any bit of her that was tempted to sip it and go...

and spray it right across the room? Yeah. I think, honestly... Find out it had just been drawn it right across the room. Yeah. I think, honestly... Find out it had just been drawn from Vesuvius. I actually think almost everybody in my social circle would have been at least fleetingly tempted to spray it across the room. Not if you were begging for trouble.

For a laugh. Not if you were as thirsty as girlfriend. Yeah, I don't think she's up for a laugh. And Philip May apparently said... Do you know Philip May? No, but thanks for the tip. Okay. I don't think he would.

He may, that's all I'm saying. He definitely won't. He says, he said, at the tea, when he was given the tea, he said, yes, we drink this at home in Downing Street. I don't believe that. Well, they might have had one tea bag. They're more in Breck. Yeah, I think if that happened, if he said, oh, we drink this,

they could have had every right to go, well, we've got DVDs, actually. Exactly. If they'd have given them Britannia. Have you seen Britannia on Sky? Oh, man. It's not one of your strange shows. Absolutely. Hard son. You know what I've done?

It came out and it's also on demand. I've just got I couldn't wait. I've finished it. On demand by you and the Anglo-Saxons. Is it a documentary or is it a drama? No, it's not a documentary. It's not? Why do you watch these weird things? Give me a big stare for asking if Britannia was a documentary. What is it?

There's quite a lot of sort of magic in it. Oh, okay. Druids, all right. Druids. Mackenzie Crook as the head druid. Is Merlin in it? Absolutely terrifying. Does he?

We'll have to catch that. It's like Night Merlin, is what it's like. Or Merlin Nights. Merlin After Dark. Like Hollyoaks Nights. Exactly, yeah. It's brilliant. I'm goingaks Nights. Exactly, yeah. It's brilliant. I'm going to give that a go, Frank.

There you go. So when you say Merlin, what is it, Merlin in taverns? I tell you, it's about when the Romans, Merlin's not in it, it's about when the Romans invaded Britain and they were confronted by the Britons. Yeah.

Right. But, you know, they bend in the historical facts a bit. Oh, well, be careful, because if you're getting into history and then you watch some made up history it can easily actually we know more about the Romans than we do about the Anglo-Saxons but

it's great if they'd given them that the trade could have gone through the ceiling so I've watched all nine eps I've gone and raced ahead so strange anyway could have gone through the ceiling. So I've watched all nine eps. I've just gone and raced ahead. So strange. Good for you.

Anyway, meanwhile, over in Beijing, it appears that they've got some names, the Chinese, for our Premier and her husband. She is called, Theresa May is called Aunty May. Don't like it. Do you not? I'm going to say it.

It makes, do you know, Auntie May. Thanks for the tip, a bit darker. Well, yes. I don't think that's how, I mean, it might be a compliment in Chinese culture, but really, I think who calls their uncle

or auntie by their surname? You don't do that, do you? Their uncle John or auntie by their surname. You don't do that, do you? They're Uncle John or auntie, probably Yoda. She should be Auntie Teresa. I'll tell you what it sounds. It sounds a little bit gone with the wind. I like Auntie Teresa, the less successful sister of mothering.

The slightly less kind. Slightly less benevolent. A bit brassy. Swears a bit. Smokes. Oh, dear. Doesn't give quite so much money to charity. And her husband, Philip May,

was described as a very handsome man. Should have gone to Specs. That's my advice to the Chinese pundits. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. On the subject of gift-giving, we actually, our own little show has had an email about it. Morning, Frank, Alan and Emily.

From a long-time reader but first-time writer. I thought he was joking for a while, but Big Daddy's, that's you, continued reference to bamboo as them, combined with his insistence that any mention of bamboo is not a plea for them to send freebies, leads me to believe that Frank still believes bamboo to be a brand of hosiery, rather than simply a bamboo fibre-based material

that socks and underwear in general of any brand can be made from. Can I say that's absolutely correct? That is one. I thought that's the brand. No, it's the fabric. They make stuff out of bamboo. Yes. That's why we were talking about it.

You are having a laugh. No, but we are now. That bamboo, you know. Yes. That's why we were talking about it. You are having a laugh. No, but we are now. It's made of bamboo. That's about bamboo, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I can show you the scars. Let's put it that way.

That's a proper bamboo, as in bamboo. Yeah. Yes. Very fast growing, so it's quite a good material to use, because it's... Isn't that sort of fudgy bit in the middle? I think so. And they probably spin it into some yarn.

It all comes from the barn, yeah. I'm not an expert. Oh, go to the foot of our stairs. You don't have to do that. You can stay on the radio. I never knew that. Really? Well, that's exactly what Prisoner 312 has suggested.

No, they have spot on. They say, please, can you clear this matter up once and for all to prevent him from labouring under this misconception into his, as per the Japanese tradition, glorious new phase of life. I hope Frank enjoys his new socks and discovers that this fabric, far from being coarse and scratchy, is as stretchy as lycra, as soft as cotton and as smooth as silk. He's after free socks now.

I think so, yeah. I mean, that's quite OTT. Yeah. Maybe they work in the bamboo industry. What, for Bam? Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Or other...

Of course, after Bam didn't sell me any socks, I might have done a Bam boo. Yeah. You get me? In that I booed Bam. Oh, I see. Okay. That's lovely.

Got you. I don't know, I picked my way through that. It got ruder. It sounded ruder as it went on. Frank and Alan, I have a question for you. Yeah. Regarding, what's the name with the Jacob Marley necklace? Theresa May.

Yes. Thanks for the tip. When she gave the gift of the DVD, which we've already established we thought was a gift that was somewhat lacking in so many areas.

However... She might have bought it in the airport. Yes, it's very airport. I wonder if they forgot and just grabbed it in the airport. Did she get that

in a Geoffrey Archer novel? In a suitcase. But one of those novels that's only just out but it's in paperback so you can take it on a plane. You know, those ones. Airport edition.

I'm going airport novel. She got the second-in-command. Did you read what the second-in-command got? The Chinese second-in-command? No. A chess set. Better. From the British Museum.

Whoa. That is a great gift. Not based on the Lewis chessman. I don't know any details at this point. Okay. Good knowledge there. However, I think that is an infinitely superior gift. If someone were to give you a Blue Planet DVD

and myself or Alan a British Museum chess set, I think you'd be a little piqued. Yes. Okay. I, um, yeah, definitely. But I think they were trying to, it's probably a plastic chess set. Okay. Oh, definitely, but I think they were trying to, it's probably a plastic chess set. Okay.

Oh, do you think? Oh, man, the poor fish. Yeah, now, the Lewis chessmen, I've held a few Lewis chessmen. So I've heard. I was allowed at the British Museum. But it's a chess set that was found buried. Really?

And it's brilliant. Yeah, brilliant figures on it. And I was... When I first saw it, I was haunted by it. What condition are the queens in? They're still in... Intact? Still in great shape, yeah.

Very Emily asking about the queens, not the pawns. I know, exactly, yeah. It's all right when they're in. Very interesting snapshot about the queens, not the pawns. I know, exactly, yeah. It's all right when they do it. Very interesting snapshot into the personality of Emily Deane. My favourite move, my favourite move. But anyway, then I realised there was a kids' programme I loved called Noggin the Nog. And Noggin the Nog, the characters were based on the Lewis Chessmen,

so it had sort of triggered some deep memory in me. I know you're fascinated, but we've got to have other stuff. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Where does Melania Trump stand on the plastic thing, do you think? Oh, what, in the terms of the recycling? You'd think her and Donald must contain a fair amount of plastic between them. Well, he has 11 Diet Cokes a day, I believe, doesn't he? I think he...

Does he really? Yeah, all sorts of other... Yes. If Melania fell in the ocean, surely several seabirds would have their habitat destroyed. Yeah, you'd think she'd float. If anyone tuned in then just heard habitat destroyed, they'll think that's the news coming in that habitat...

It'll be Clinton's cards all over again. Oh, I hope not. Yes. Frank Daz has been in touch to say, Hi, Team Frank, aren't DVDs set to regions? That woman's DVD gift won't play in China. Oh, unless she'd got a region-free one. She might, but that's a fair point. Oh, what she'd got a region-free one. She might have

been, but that's a fair point. What about if they're UK region? I can't even blame them. Put it on, will not play.

Oh, it's already a rubbish gift, even if it does play. It's getting worse. It is getting worse. It's a gift that keeps on taking.

490 has texted, is the Chinese number two called the second 11? That's brilliant. Can I say, that's brilliant. Strong I say that's brilliant? Strong work.

740, who I think may well be Ian Angle, has texted, was the chess set a gift from checkers? Ah. Also very good. I get it, yeah. And we've had some emails during the week regarding things that we've been discussing.

Last week, was it last week we were discussing things that... Oh, don't ask me stuff like that. Yeah. My age. People say, oh, you know, Big Mo is Gary Oldman's sister. You know, they say it. Oh, yes.

And sometimes it doesn't turn out to be a fact. It's a fact people tell you as if it's a fact and that you should know it. Oh, that's what we're on about. Yes. And then I remembered after the show, Phil Collins. Oh, yes. Phil Collins had something in the air tonight.

There was a... Well, it was... People thought it was fairly established, but it was rubbish, it turned out, because he has said it was rubbish, but it was to do with... Does that make it rubbish? I wonder. OK. What the song is rubbish.

Now, the idea... There was a rumour, wasn't there, that Phil Collins had watched someone drown in someone. Oh, really? It's a reference, a line in the song is, if I saw you drowning, I wouldn't lend a hand. And apparently during a concert, he shone the light on the man in the audience

and pointed at him whilst he sung that line. Yeah. Yeah. But he didn't. No. Reminds me of when I saw Shirley Bassey and they shone a light on Danny LaRue

he stood up and took a bow well Richard Nagel has emailed saying surely it should be called a big mo no or big no mo big no mo yeah it's a fact that people tell you.

Everyone tells you. I think everyone knows, but it's wrong. I think my example was that Walt Disney had been cryogenically frozen. Yes. Yes. Which he... That's a good example. Yeah.

So that would be a big mo-no. It's a big mo-no. Yeah. Or a big no-mo. Yeah, what do we like best? Big no-mo. I think no- Mo is better, because it feels like it's going to be No No.

And then at the last minute, it pulls the rug from under you. Yes, I like the rug pulling. Let's let the people decide. I think No Mo. It's going to be 52.48. I'm not taking 50 pence off somebody for that. Oh, okay.

Fair enough. No, but we all know... It's not red or black with Ant and Dick. No. It's not what people have spoken. Yeah, I thought it was going to be like Brexit all over again. Yeah. And also we've had Gary Marsden who emailed saying

the Stan Laurel slash Clint Eastwood one is good. Life goes on day after day. What was that? That's Jerry Marsden. Yeah. Sorry. Oh, right. Yeah.

Stan Laurel slash Clint Eastwood one is good. Oh, yes. That is a very common one. I don't know what is. Explain, please. It was a story that Stan Laurel is Clint Eastwood's dad. Really? No. Mono. Big mono.

Don't these stories have another name, which is urban myth? Yes. Well, yeah. I think we might be, this is a bit like somebody currently discovering America. It was quite complicated, because The Big Mo was about people think that no one knows these facts, and then, but everyone does.

Yes. Oh, it's too, I'm getting a headache. I've got just a small trail of blood come out of my nose. Oh, that was a nightmare, Link, looking back. If only Anne Robinson was here to officially designate it the weakest link. Looking back already. Yeah, it is so. We're talking about urban myths, aren't we?

As if they've just been... Yeah, essentially we are. No, we're talking about urban myths that people tell you as though they're facts and you don't know them. But isn't that the definition of an urban myth, that people think it's fact? But they're telling you as if you don't know them.

I'll spare you. We'll have this conversation off air. I mean, I think it's on air. And when we think of something interesting. I'll spare you. We'll have this conversation off air. I mean, I think it's on his fair. And when we think of something interesting, we'll come back. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Dear all, wasn't chess invented in China? So isn't giving the Chinese a chess set a bit like those people in The Apprentice taking cash and carry cheese to France, asking for a friend? Well, that is actually a big no-mo. Is it? As far as I'm aware. I believe chess was actually invented in India,

and I think that is a common misconception that it was invented in China. I haven't Googled, so I'm not 100, but I'm confident. I'm quietly confident that I'm correct here. I think there's no doubt they're chess powers. They are. Yeah. Yep, yep. They're good at it.

They didn't invent the thing. No. Really? But I'm glad, even though you were incorrect, 9-0-0. You're not telling me they didn't invent paper. No, I'm not telling you that. Even though you were somewhat incorrect, 9-0-0, I'm not telling me they didn't invent paper. No, I'm not telling you that. Even though you were somewhat incorrect, 9-0-0, I'm glad you brought up the subject

of games. Because I would like to discuss Monopoly this morning. They're releasing a new version of the game. Mel Gibson was very good in the original. In Monopoly? Monopoly. Oh, that was Gallipoli. Sorry, everyone. Can we do that again?

Steve? We can't? Okay. Carry on. And it's a cheater's version. It's cheater's edition. Frank doesn't like it. I can tell from that groan.

Well, reserve judgment. Let me just tell you what happens in this. Okay. You can, but I don't think you'll be won over. Well, you say that, but there are handcuffs. Okay. Okay? He might be back. Are you say that, but there are handcuffs. OK. I hope he's back. He might be back. Are you back in the room?

I'm listening. Oh, I love it when you listen. And so apparently it'll be inbuilt into the game, ways for you to cheat. For example, you can steal hotels, shortchange people. Steal hotels? Steal from the bank. OK. Okay.

There's going to be no banker, so there will be the chance for players of the game to steal. Okay, yeah. You don't sound very happy about this. He's not happy. I have a basic problem with Monopoly in its normal form. Yeah.

I always find that people who tell me they've been playing Monopoly in its normal form. Yeah. I always find that people who tell me they've been playing Monopoly do it in a way that I'll think they're interested and wacky because they've been playing Monopoly. What do you mean? How would they tell you? It's a very... It's very much

sort of capitalism for socialists. You know what I mean? The people who play I know are men with no socks on. Right. Okay. It's a very remain voter kind of a game. It started out as a left wing political game.

And now it's played sort of ironically by people with beards. And I find that don't get me wrong, I'm a remain voter myself. But I don't want to you know, don't want to be all of it, all it entails. Right. And people say, oh yeah, we're at my house and Giles bought Monopoly. Oh, did he?

And now the cheetah thing is going to be an extra level of wackiness. And we've got those cheetahs and the thing. And the handcuffs. Yeah, well. Everyuffs. Yeah, well... Every cloud. Exactly. I don't like the way they hijacked interesting ideas from other communities.

Also, I've never cheated at any game in my life. No, I can imagine you haven't. What do you mean? What's the point of playing a game if you're going to cheat at it? Come on. Right. I think I used to steal money from it when I played my brothers but i was young then yeah yeah yeah i can never master the art of monopoly i just think i got frightened i balked at hotels right i didn't like it i didn't

like that side of it it's long in it it's like it's really long i mean nowadays who's got that much free time i when people jiles jiles When people tell me they've watched a film, I stand there going, what? I know. You've watched a whole film? What about nine episodes of Britannia? Well, episodic I think is somehow more easy. Yes, yes.

You couldn't go in and out of it. You can't play Monopoly just for half an hour at a time. It's a commitment. I don't think I've ever completed a game of Monopoly in my life. No. I lose on purpose because I can't be bothered. I genuinely do. 824, no Moe is turning into 2018's Ballet Link.

There you go. Confirmation. Claire from Barnhurst. Yeah, we won't be discussing that. No Moe. Is that all right? Can I do that? Is that acceptable?

Where's the A5 sheet? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. One thing I discovered about Monopoly which I didn't know is the boot, the wheelbarrow and the thimble were all sacked last year. Oh, yeah. Is that right?

And replaced by the rubber dock, the penguin and the T-Rex. Right. Should have replaced it with a lie detector test, really, from what I can gather. There's so much cheating going on. I never went for any of those pieces anyway I always went for the dog I always thought the boot was probably the most memorable amazing the boot

sort of Charlie Chaplin the boot what piece did you go for Al? I often went boot I can see you with boot sort of kitchen sink drama what would you, if you could have any choice at all for a pewter move thing, counter token?

Symbol. Okay. I'm thinking owl pellet. Owl pellet? Owl. Owl. That's how he says owl. An owl pellet.

I thought he said owl pellet, like a learner driver. It's that thing that comes out of their mouth, isn't it? Rather than out of their behinds. Oh, OK. Do you know, they sort of go... And a big thing comes out with, like, bits of animal... Suitable for framing, actually. Often a bit of skeleton in there.

Lovely. I've never seen this. Never seen it? Never seen it. I suggest you go to YouTube and have a look at... Or to it to YouTube. To it to YouTube? To it to YouTube. And Google Owl Pellet. Google Owl Pellet.

It's quite a specialist interest, the owl material. Yeah. So I wouldn't mind a little cheese knife. A cheese knife sounds good. That would be useful as well. Well, it'd be very tiny, though. Yeah. I mean, even for a dairy bee.

Yeah, but on your regime... I'm surprised... It would help you stick to small portions I think Monopoly takes that long I'd quite like a little metalised banana To see if I can have the energy to get through a whole game Well that's It's amazing Do you think forks are sort of threatened

By the cheese knife as a phenomenon Yes It's never really caught on the idea of a fork on the end of it. I've got a spork and stuff that I have. This is not a novelty item. The cheese knife is quite common. It's established.

And it is a knife and fork all in one go. It is, I suppose. There you go. We've had an email that says it's titled Desk Arts. Oh, yeah. I didn't want to read this, Al, so I'm delighted you have. I've had an email that says... Thank God. It's titled Deskarts. Oh, yeah. Well, I didn't want to read this, El, so I'm delighted you have. I'm happy to read it.

Every so often, Frank and Emily will mock the cockerel for his Deskarts moment. You say every so often. I'd say fortnightly. We call it mockerel. I've listened back to the podcast, and I'm afraid it is so much worse than you remembered. Oh. He pronounced it Des so much worse than you remembered. Oh. He pronounced it Descartes.

Awful. Thought you ought to know. You never did, did you? Oh, that is worse than I thought. Descartes. I can't remember that. That's much worse than I remember. That does sound bad.

This is a whole... It's like we've updated. We can just start again. Wow. I think we've fixed some bugs and we've made it possible to download straight onto Facebook with that update. Yeah.

Descartes. I mean, it sounds a bit like a very highbrow form of striptease. Yeah. I like that Ed's Vaughan Road review, awful. Well, David Baddiel sent in last week, just after the show ended, to say that I'd said Manutiae instead of Manutiae. Oh, he did, yeah.

So that I wasn't faultless. He did say, yes, he said, Frank wants talking to me pronounced Manutiae as Minutiae. Not Descartes, but not bad. I remember he gave me... He says it's funnier in a black country accent. He mocked me so much about it I became emotional.

Oh, did you? Yeah, I became angry and felt terrible. Some class oppression going on. I reacted very badly. Well, you know, it's all water under the bridge now. Anyway.

Well enough even talking about it. I can't. Thank you very much for listening this week. I must say I'd have probably, you'd have lost me towards the end. Why? Don't put yourself down. No, I'm putting us all down. Anyway,

if you got through it, congrats. And we'll be back next week. The good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise. We. And we'll be back next week. The good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise. We'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner?

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