The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - A Tower of Pennies

Episode Date: September 23, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank is joined by Zoe and Alun. The team discuss camping and comparing comedy nights, trading in old goods and same dress nightmares.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. And this is Frank Skinner and today I'm with Alan Cochran as ever, but Zoe Lyons has joined the team. I used to have a jingle that roared. I don't have that anymore. I'll do it. Hang on. Go on. That's pretty good. I like that. That's pretty good. It's a bit frothy. Imagine a bit of froth. Come on, put the back of the lion's throat

back of the lion's throat that's where I used to go for a smoke it's a lovely pub the lion's throat you can follow the show on twitter at frank on the radio

or email the show via the absolute radio website but I tell you what I don't want you to do don't text us today because we are pre-recording this. If you can imagine the two juxtaposed times, we are yesterday.

I mean, a lot of people say that about me in reviews. But we are yesterday, you're today. And so our communication is thwarted. I think we could be tweeted. But we don't know if we can pull that off. That's my knuckles, by the way. Oh, that's not going to make for nice radio for some people that don't like that.

I've never done that before. No, Ed, we won't be doing that again. I think I'll probably just put two air bubbles in my bloodstream. They're a race into Aneurysm City but we'll see we'll keep you posted on that one as the show progresses I'm worried that it's starting with a city

well Aneurysm City a small dwelling I like to think in my body there will be a cathedral thus it qualifies now this show I think has been condemned in the past for being slapdash and amateurish.

Has it? It certainly has by the producer. And I learnt a valuable lesson this week. I was listening to a documentary on Radio 4. Do you listen to Radio 4 much? Yes, I listen to Radio 4.

It's like podcasts for your nan. It's what the tone is generally. Anyway, they were on there and there was a man, I think he was in Hampton Court Palace or somewhere like that, the Bodleian Library. That's where they hang out.

And he said things like so, what do you Zoe Lyons think about this? And bringing in the name. And I'm thinking I might start incorporating that. It's had a real sort of professional feel to it. I think that's a radio rule, so that the external listener... Do you think that, Alan Cochran?

That's right, Frank Skinner, I do. See? Now people are thinking, ah! We know what we're listening to. If there's people at home drawing a plan, you know like in the radio times, they used to have football pitches broken down into numbers, do you know this? Yes. And when

the man was commentating on the radio, a man in the background would go, seven. So you knew what part of the pitch. This, of course, is where the phrase back to square one comes from. You are joking. This, of course, is where the phrase back to square one comes from. You are joking. No, that's where it began. But how can it be?

Because square one, I think, is the right back position where you wouldn't normally take a goal kick from. I'm totally lost now. So back to square one. I'm sorry about this. Don't play the I'm a girl so I don't understand football stereotype, Zoe Lyons. Frank Skinner and Alan Cochran. We're going to have to move on from this. Otherwise I'm not going to understand anything that's going on this morning.

That is the last football reference in this show. What about that as a declaration? We're going back to square one. One. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I tell you what, I hosted a gig this week, like a big charity do thing. You did some stuff. We're all comedians together on this show. Sure. And I tell you what, now here's a... Now, Alan Cochran is our motoring correspondent. Are you into cars at all, Zoe?

I do like a car. Here's a question. I like cars. Here is a question. I like cars. Here is a question. When I introduced the bill, and it was a great bill, so I wasn't exaggerating, I said it's the Rolls Royce of comedy bills. Right.

Reasonable sort of thing you were abandoned about. Yeah. And then it struck me, of thing you were banded about. Yeah. And then it stopped me. Is Rolls-Royce still the Rolls-Royce of cars? That is a good question. You didn't think this allowed you in the gig, did you?

Well, I did. It went badly, but yeah, I did mull it over. Never mull things, generally. Were you the Morris Minor of hosts that evening? Split screen. I probably was, yeah. I was the stock in reverse gear, Morris Minor. I think I was a bottle green G registration helmet imp.

But here's the thing. If it isn't, if it's Lamborghini or something now, it must be a signer if you're at Rolls-Royce and you're no longer the Rolls-Royce of cars. How awful. I think they still scrape through, though. I mean, Rolls-Royce, they're still a big name. They're still expensive.

They make aeroplanes. Look, I'm still a big name, but you have to accept when you've been overtaken. Overtaken? I'm keeping up the motor analogies. Very good. I mean, if only people were, if we were live, we could get people who really know a lot about cars

to tell us what are the Rolls Royce of cars. Well, they've been taken over by the Bentley as far as popularity is concerned amongst the high-earning football players. Is that right? Yes. Just visually, just an observation you'll see. And the Rolls Royces you do see on the road these days

are the extremely expensive versions, maybe the Ghost, something like that, and they're probably more owned by Arab families coming over to the UK. Oh, with curtains on the back windows. And a box of tissues, which always confuses me. You see, I don't feel... I feel my role as motoring correspondent is slightly threatened here. I know, I'm loving it.

Who says Top Gear has to be all men? They've failed to move into the SUV market where Bentley really has and Bentley and Jaguar have also done that and they've came to breast. I just think, if I'd have said it's the Bentley of comedy bills

people might have thought it was a reference to David Bentley who I think was involved in the Lenin-Havit murder trial and then they think it was a reference to David Bentley who I think was involved in the Lenin Havit murder trial. And then they think it was me trying to sort of share blame or something. And it would have got very confusing.

That's how people's minds... I want to ask you another question. You host a lot, don't you, Al? Why have I said host? Have I become some sort of... Am I from across the pond? Yeah. Am I from the States?

Next you're going to ask me, do you work clean? Yeah. Do you work clean, Alan? I think you can say that in England. Yeah. Yes, I MC a fair bit. Still MC at the Comedy Store.

So do you compare? Yeah, I compare. I have a big comparing question to ask you, but the fez is on the table, which on this show means that the producer is saying, shut up. So I'm going to... I'll come back to you after this.

Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, unfortunately, the way that you set up the desk is a bit of inside information for a pre-record. You can't see all your jingles, so I can't reach. Correctioni, correctioni,

ole, ole. But you have a correctioni, Zoe, is that right? I think I've misnamed the Rolls Royce. I think it's the Rolls Royce Shadow, not Ghost. But it's very similar, isn't it? Shadow, Ghost. I think it's a Shadow. I mean, the cars are similar, or the names.

The names are quite similar. Oh, I see. And in my head, they're quite similar things. What about the Camargue? The Camargue? Isn't the Rolls Royce Camargue? I don't think so. Isn't it?

There's a Phantom, which I think has an umbrella built into the... If that's what I've got confused with... Oh, enough now. Enough Rolls Royce names. Oh, OK. It's making got confused with... Oh, enough now. Enough Rolls-Royce names. Oh, OK. It's making my shoulders sore because when I talk about the Rolls-Royce, I find my arms going backwards like the bonnet ornament.

Yeah. So anyway, here's the thing. When you emcee, let's call it that... Yeah, compare. Do you shake hands of the acts when they come on stage? I tend to yes or a little tap on the upper arm tap on the upper arm I always worried that they might just have had their

TB and they're not going to thank you for that you don't want to bring them on with a yelp well a good compere always checks that the acts have just not come from a clinic Wendy Jones different story usually them on with a yelp well a good compere always checks that the acts have just not come from a clinic yeah i just don't like to ask anymore well that it's depending which clinic they've come from you either shake hands or tap arms exactly yeah okay well um i um i'm i've become a handshake i think i've picked that up from american hosts. I don't think I used to do it in my early days.

Surely they find five or fist bump. Well, they might do now, but in the... I work with a guy who used... The guy who does Deal or No Deal. What's he called? In this country? No, in America. Oh.

No, Noel Edmonds never did stand-up, sadly. You work with Noel Edmonds? You have worked with them all. No, take that back. I have worked with Noel Edmonds, obviously. Of course you have. But, oh, what's he called? Anyway, don't worry.

He is an American comic who hosts the American Deal or No Deal, and he does one of those knuckle touches, but apparently he has hygiene obsession problems. So, no, that's true. That is true. Is it? Yeah. But I find that when I shake hands with the comics as they come on stage, I adopt a facial expression, which I would compare with the facial expression.

You know, in films, when someone opens the door to a friend and they've got a gunman standing behind them. Oh, yeah. And they say, I'm sorry, I can't come out. That's the kind of facial expression I give them. Like behind me, there is something lethal right i.e the audience and i don't know if i'm helping people with that fear no yeah do you say anything at that moment i quite often say have fun i don't know why i do that yeah it's not really part of their job is it no the comic i know um what do i say I don't think I'll say anything. Good luck out there. No, I can't. I'm too upset.

There's a gun behind me. Is that what you said? If I'm coming off, it's usually I'm on the downward slide, because if it continues to go well... It's like Enoch Powell said, every political career ends in failure. And I think that's probably true of every link. Certainly on this show. Enoch Powell references

on Absolute Radio. I think he said some stuff that was okay. It's just, if that becomes a trending topic, it could look bad. No, yeah, we'll be... We'll be tracking

the bottom of the barrel in a minute. Enoch Powell quotes. But that one, I believe, is okay. Yeah. Oh, man. who's next? Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. I'm talking about a gig I did on Monday. I hope that's okay with you guys. It's good for me. I'll tell you what I did, something I said I'd never do. I talked a bit about my child on stage. You did stand-up? Yeah.

You know, I've always thought, you know how you get people to go on and on about their kids? And I think, oh, shut your face. And you do it a bit, Al. Not so much these days but I used to you've learnt from me still do sometimes

yeah I've learnt a lot from you you've been admonished I've learnt a lot from you yeah and so I'll tell you what happened I went to there was a

there was a sheep dog trials on on Hampstead Heath what what was that yeah i know hamstead heath is a large area of greenery in the um north of london um known for um midnight shenanigans mainly but this was in the daytime and i was with with Buzz, my five-year-old son, who's never seen sheepdogs in action before.

And, you know, they say you see things fresh through the eyes of a child. This is the theory. Like I was with him once and there was a robin hovering above us. I was weeding at the time and he was after worms. And I said, it's the old robin redbreast. I said, trying to sound like, and he was after worms. And I said, it's the old Robin Redbreast, I said, trying to say about him, you know, is it naturalist? Not sure.

Not naturist. And he said, it's orange. And I looked up, and it was orange. And I thought, who've been kidding ourselves? They're normally red, though, aren't they? No, no. Isn't it just a rusty one? No, I think they're red because everyone calls them that. But look, if you look through the eyes of a child,

through a child, you will see that it's orange. Robin orange breast. It doesn't scan so well, does it? No, and it sounds a bit too Protestant for my life. We'll leave it there. But anyway, we were watching the sheepdog trails and you know, are you aware of the technique that the sheepdogs use when they get really low on the floor? Their elbows are on the floor. Do dogs have elbows? Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Their elbows are actually going across the grass. And Boz absolutely cracked up laughing at it. It was like the funniest. He was, oh, every time they did it, he cracked up. And then I started cracking up and I thought, it is. They don't need to do that. They're drama queens. They're just making it look like I'm really stalking. They can see them.

I mean, how high is the grass? They can still be seen. It's just, it look like I'm really stalking they can see them I mean how high is the grass they can still be seen it's just it's showboating do they make them train under those nets cargo nets do obstacle courts

oh that's a thought maybe that's what they're doing they're doing the whole oh you think the dogs are doing the military fitness they're doing the military fitness

oh yeah because they did they did go across on monkey bars. Oh, yeah. Which I'd never seen before. And then zip line in to round up the last of them. But they didn't look like they got the wrist strength for monkey bars.

Have they got wrists? There's some mobility there, but I don't know whether you'd call it a wrist. There's a fold. There's certainly a fold. Although it was at the sheepdog trials. But yeah, it's never struck me before, but it is absolutely hilarious, that sheepdog stalking. Did you talk about this at your gig? I did. Again, nothing.

Nothing. I love it when you're like a proper DJ Yeah It's still sounding great It happens now Don't ever accuse me of being like a proper DJ I just did God, I listened to some

I listened to some of one of our local rivals the other morning I don't know why they don't get rid of the DJs and have, say, a violinist. It's just sound, that's all it is. There's nothing, there's no actual substance. Why not have? You know, and now...

OK, now it's back to... And then into Lady. I was listening to Radio London, which does have some conversation on it, and they were interviewing the popular entertainer Will Young. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. You know him?

Yeah, I got caught in a curtain near Will Young once, coming off stage from something. I got trapped in a curtain near Will Young once, coming off stage from something. I got trapped in a curtain like a fly. Trapped in a curtain? Trapped in a curtain like a fly. I'd just been on a television show with a disabled dog. It was a really, really appalling afternoon. Was this a dream?

No, it really genuinely happened. And then as I tried to exit the studio, I got caught, like, properly wrapped up in this curtain at the back of the... And when I unwrapped myself, there was Will Young there with his two PR girls. I knew they were PR girls because they were on Blackberries and wearing pashminas inside. And they looked at me, like, with total disgust. As you would, I just caught myself.

Those sort of people don't get trapped in curtains. They don't. They have to unravel themselves in front of other humans. And that sort of thing where you unwrap yourself and go, whoopsie. Like a total idiot. Perhaps they thought you were Jenny Murray from Women's Health.

She wears an enormous scarf. Maybe they thought that. That's what it is. I've got caught in my own scarf. He seemed lovely though in the 30 seconds I was in his company for. I interviewed him once.

I don't know if I came away with that feeling I'll be straight with you He called me pernickety Did he? Well I don't know if that's quite matching No, but anyway I'm sure the real matching word is not as nice as pernickety

Probably not like the real one And I was I must admit, I was all for Gates. When the final vote, I was all for Gates. But anyway, he was on, and he's still working. God bless him. And he said, what did he mean by this? He said, oh, I wish I'd bought, I won't do the voice.

He said, I wish I'd bought my dogs with me. He said, I've got two dogs, I wish I'd bought them. Esme said the names as if that mattered. And he said, I wish I'd bought the dogs with me. He said, they're in great form at the moment. Oh, yeah. What do you mean by that? The banter is flying.

What do you mean by that? They're in a right laugh just now. In what way are they in great form? Is that a polite way of saying they're on heat? Oh, I wish I'd bought them with me. They're on heat at the moment. I could have called some other dogs and added to my collection. No, I couldn't work it out. They're on heat at the moment. I could have called some other dogs and added to my collection.

No, I couldn't work it out. No, I don't like it. You've got a dog. Yes, he's never been on great form. He's never on great form. It's the sort of thing you'd say about a comic or something. They're flying at the moment. Yeah.

On fire. A pilot. If he'd have said, I wish I'd bought my dogs in, they're on fire at the moment, I'd have thought, he'd just got a text in from his housekeeper and he'd have thought if I'd brought them in they could have been rescued

but now they're part of some sort of canine inferno I'm not wishing that on them don't get me wrong in any way but it would have been a story and a half I mean, I'm not wishing that on them. Don't get me wrong in any way. But it would have been a story and a half. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

On Bullseye, because the production team were obviously worried that the viewers didn't know what geography meant. When they had a geography section, Jim Bowen would call it places. Oh, my goodness. I love Bullseye. Yes. Best show ever. I went camping at the weekend.

You've had a right busy time, haven't you? Oh, I know, mate. Camping, camping. You know me I did some careering Yeah Church Probably a bit of church

I did church How was camping anyway? Camping was I mean September camping is a risk Any camping in this country is a risk Any time of the year Can be a great payoff I didn't One thing that I is a risk. Any camping in this country is a risk. Any time of the year. It can be a great payoff.

One thing that I... Do you know what I didn't do? We didn't use the guide ropes. Oh. I've got a pop-up tent. And you know... Now I have. Which at my age is a cause for celebration.

No, I've got a pop-up tent. I say I've got one. We bought it two days before we went away. I brought it into the show, actually, last week. It comes in a big circular bag. You know in W1A, when the bloke carries a fold-up bicycle? Yes.

If I had one of those, but it was a penny farthing. Yes. It's like that. Is it a family pop-up tent? Or is it a single pop-up tent? Well but it was a penny farthing. Yes. It's like that. Is it a family pop-up tent? Or is it a single pop-up tent? Well, that's a very good question. It was described as a three-man tent, which I thought was a bit sexist.

Was it? Yeah, they still call it a three-man tent, I think. Three-person, temporary construction. But I suppose they call it guide ropes rather than scout ropes so it balances out six or one half doesn't it but I thought when there's three of us in it why do we need guide ropes

it's to hold it down whereas we're going to weigh it down naturally and it worked turns out the whole guide rope thing is a tremendous scam I think it's

I think the whole guide rope thing is for if you're ever out of it and wind gets up and perhaps blows away we had that lockage in it as well you won't blow away Frank but the sides of the tent will collapse in in a strong wind not in a pop pop yes the wind will it'll still have a bit of and you'll be left... Not in a pop-up. Yes! The wind will...

It'll still have a bit of mobility. You'll be waking up with the canvas like... I know I was. There wasn't room for three of us in the tent, you see. They're very small. So I woke up with my face pressed against the outer wall, which encourages moisture. Right. So I...

The whole side of my face was wet. So you got your sleep and your morning wash combined. I did. It's like a life hack. But of course I was camping. I just slept in my clothes and then just got up. You know, I buckled my belt and I was ready for the day. Brilliant.

I love that. Oh, that's great. I mean, I don't know how long you could keep that up before bacteria started to do. About a week. Speaking of bacteria. Hippies manage it, don't they? I'll tell you what, I don't know if that's true.

We had toasted marshmallows Again I think of that as a bit American But that All these parents I mean they're all lovely people I went away with But they're all quite you know very careful about their children They all eat healthily But when the toasted

I mean the marshmallow itself is a risk, as far as sugar and all that, I don't know really what they're made of. Mushroom. I think you've just said it. They've got a mushroomy type texture. They're mainly sugar, I think. Are they? Okay.

Yeah. But they put them on the end of sticks that we just got off the ground. So if you could imagine a sort of bacteria soft centre. Yeah. That was how you ate them so in the end the last bit of it is licking hot marshmallow

off a dirty stick but I think that's good for us we're too clean these days you've got to lick a few sticks I'll be honest with you coming from you you've said several times you've said several times You've said several times. You've said several times.

You've said several times you'd be happy if you never drank coffee again. I feel like that about eating marshmallows. Well, I think mine is a grander statement. They're disgusting, though, aren't they? That's like saying if I never ate comquats again, I wouldn't care. I mean, I hadn't seen a marshmallow for 17 months.

I didn't know off the top of my head, but I checked my journal. One of the perks of having one, isn't it? Yeah, but it was... Also, my mother-in-law went out and got us some airbeds because we didn't have any air and I was worried when we put the air beds

in the tent we had to overlap them because the three air beds were bigger than the floor space this sounds horrific and then they were self-inflating

so I ended this thing and I heard I heard and I'd say they went if you can imagine watching a five pound note become a J-cloth.

That was the difference. That was the rise in it. I lay on the floor. I could feel the shadows of glaciation on the floor. I mean, it was just like lying on the floor. And I'd love to. There's something about camping that really appeals to me. But I think I need to just start again.

I hate it. Year zero, do you? I hate it, everything about it. We're going to come back to Zoe Lyons' hatred of camping. I'm putting her on the spot after this. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Don't text us! We're not live. When I say we, I mean me, Alan Cochran and Zoe Lyons. Can you follow the show on Twitter, though? We don't mind that. At Frank on the radio. And if you can email us via the Absolute Radio website. But if you text us, I shall be furious.

Now then, before the news and all that, we were talking about camping. And you, Zoe Lyons... Not a fan. Not a fan, Frank. Why not? It's just such a lot of faff. It really is. The last time we went camping, we went for two days.

It took us about half a day to pack up the car full of stuff that we thought we'd need to have all of the luxuries of home when we were camping. And then you realise you already have all of the luxuries of home at home. You don't need to go and sit in a field somewhere. Yeah, but how often do you wake up with a wet face at home? Well, more frequently. It's a good job we don't have him texting today.

More frequently than you might imagine. But I just find the whole... I mean, I drool when I sleep. Oh, yes, yes, thank God. That's part of the problem, isn't it? Alan pulled it out of the fire. Thank you. Speaking of fire, though...

Don't you love a bonfire? See, we had a proper campfire. I do enjoy a bonfire see we had a proper campfire I do enjoy a bonfire but you know what I hate about camping in this country is that you're never really properly camping, you're not that far away from other people and the whole point of getting away into the wild is to remove yourself from other people

because let's face it other people are horrific, then when you go camping in this country you're about four foot from other people who've probably got a ghetto blaster going and a Staffordshire Bull Terrier barking into the night and for me that really isn't camping if you are going to go camping I say go for it completely

leave the house with nothing but what you're standing up in a Swiss Army knife and maybe just a lump of sugar just to keep you going for the first beer and then you've got to make your own bivouac out of whatever you find that's what you've got to do that's proper camping.

Not being somewhere where there's a little shop two minutes away where you can get your milk. It doesn't do it for me. Well, I've done a lot. Do we need to broadcast a safety warning on this? Because we might have impressionable listeners. They think we've always given our instructions. Many of our listeners already live in tents.

So they don't really know what the concept of camping is. You see, I wouldn't mind that. If you went into the wild and just sort of made your own shelter, then it would be proper camping. But when you've got to take a fridge, a cooker, some chairs, I think if you're completely in the wild, I think you'll find that you're dragged out of your tent in the early hours of the night by hell's angels.

Do you think? That's why I prefer a site. I think that they go around looking for tents in isolation. Then you've got to go further afield. Further afield. That's even worse. Then I think you're talking about men in full face balaclavas.

If I can't do that, then I'd just rather be in a hotel. You're not entering into that. I would rather have a bonfire than Netflix. Would you? As far as what something to watch. I can stare at a bonfire forever and see all the myths of the ancient world.

Dancing in front of your eyes. I think you can actually watch some fire on Netflix. You can. Just put fire on Netflix you can just put it on you know like in your living room oh yeah so you've sort of got the flames oh well there you go

none of the smell or the sort of charring no but I like that when you wake up the next morning bad for you though and you can smell it on your clothes it reminds me remember Britain pre-smoking ban

yeah I hate Britain pre-smoking ban it makes me all nostalgic for that when you know when secondary smoking was um one of the little dangers we all took on together but it's now i had to sleep though with that cath like my partner decided that the luggage had to go at the bottom of my section right so i slept with my knees bent because the luggage was at the bottom. See, that's horrific. That's awful. That was.

Do you know what it felt like? Why didn't you buy a bigger tent, Frank? I mean, when you got... Well, I thought I had bought a bigger tent. Remember, I'd never opened it until I got to the campsite. Yeah. You get something with a foyer and a second bedroom and perhaps a dining room. That's what you do. People had that. One of our friends bought a gazebo

with them. A tent gazebo thing. Big top. That's where I'd go. She has got a big top. I don't know. How did you guess that? That wasn't why she bought the gazebo. Although keeping them dry was tricky. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, I'll tell you what it felt like when I had the luggage at the end of me, so I had to fold up. You know when they saw a lady in half? Oh, yeah. I think that's how they do it, isn't it? Doesn't she lie in there with her knees all folding up and then there's another woman at the other end of the box

with a wheelie bag I hope the magic circle aren't going to bust me I think they might be on to you for that isn't that how they do it something like that actually as we've got Zoe Lyons on who is my political correctness correspondent

is it still alright right, this sawing a lady? I'm already worried. Absolutely. It's OK. I think it's fine. As long as it's a clean blade. You've got to change blades between sawing up a blade. You can't share a blade, but absolutely clean blades,

it's absolutely fine. OK, well, that's good. You heard it here first. If you see them get the saw out of a pre-sealed, sterilised pack... Then it's absolutely fine. I'm hoping they'll wipe it... You know that bit they wipe your arm with before they get a needle? I'm hoping there's a bit of that that goes on.

Yeah, I'm sure. So, we haven't really spoke to Zoe yet. How are you? Except for her rants about camping. Her angry rants about camping. We didn't speak to her. She spoke at us. Yeah, yeah.

I'm good. I'm really good, Frank, yeah. I'm enjoying life Spokane. We're doing a speak to her. She's Spokato. Yeah, yeah. I'm good. I'm really good, Frank, yeah. I'm enjoying life at the moment. I'm doing... I like to do things I haven't tried before, and I... This is breakfast radio. Yeah, brilliant.

Yeah. I think I've spoken about this before on the show, about wanting to learn how to ride a motorbike, and I've never really got round to it, and... Maybe you have. Yes, because I know Alan has shared some of his motorbiking literature with me. Have you got a, like, you licensed motorcyclist?

I have, yeah. So what I decided to do was, I decided not to have my test but I went to see if I liked it. Because I've always had an idea in my head that I would one day have a motorbike and I would really enjoy it. It's a middle-aged thing, I suppose. In my mind, I picture Steve McQueen on that beautiful bike jumping over those can I ask you a question yes do women have

midlife crises or is that a male thing oh no totally because I always think men who buy big motorbikes when they're like I don't know 40 I don't know how old you are exactly but older than 40 okay I'm sorry I brought it up yeah I'm very much in that midlife crisis zone. They are inclined to buy big motorbikes at that age to sort of re-grab their youth. Yeah, for us I think it's

sort of smaller motorbikes but larger kitchen aids. Oh, right. That's where we go. So yeah, I went and had a little new to motorbiking course. Is that what it's called? and had a little new to motorbiking course. What's that? Is that what it's called? It's called the new to motorbiking course.

New to motorbiking course. Okay. So is it riding around in a car park on a little bike? That's exactly what it is, Alan. For two hours in first gear going the same direction. But it was all in first gear?

I never asked whether I should get out of first gear. It was only when I got off I thought, I should have asked him whether I should have popped it into second at any point. Can I ask you a question which may sound foolish? Can you reverse on a motorbike? Is there a reverse gear? Only with your tippy toes.

Well, it's funny you say, is there a reverse gear? There's massive, like a huge Honda Goldwing or a Harley-David, because they're so big and heavy. Some of those have a reverse gear for moving them, but you don't really ride backwards on a motorcycle. Do you know, I was driving in the States. Well, I hate people who call it the States. I was in the States, across the pond,

just outside the Big Apple. No, it wasn't anywhere near there. I was driving, and there was some Hell's Angel types at a sort of cafe. Obsessed with the Hell's Angel. They're everywhere this morning. And I pulled in a car and this guy had one of these enormous

wide motorbike things. And he stopped when I came in and he said to me, have you ever tried cornering on one of these vehicles? And I said, no.

And that was the end of the conversation. I don't know why he brought it up. I think I hadn't given him enough circle. Sounds like he thought you hadn't given him enough turning space, yeah. It's so touching, the angel. You are lucky to be telling this story. I know he was a big man

as well Bea did if I remember right he had jeans on ruffian exactly

but yeah that's what Zoe wants to be you want to be one of those guys I wonder if

you had a reverse they don't really I think they're very big ones because they weigh so much they need a reverse. But most motorcycles do not have a reverse gear or need it because you can just get off and wheel it. Okay.

Even if it is a bit heavy. It's what they call manual handling when they're teaching you. I just want to do the manual handling, Zoe. I wasn't very good at that. We're going to come back to Zoe's manual handling anecdote. That's a tease. After this. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. What else? What else have I done this week? I've been having a clear out of my house. I don't like junk. I really do not like junk.

I think I want to get down to that point of absolute minimalism where I just have one spoon and a plate. Zen. Yeah, that's where I'm going. I mean, obviously, I'll be stark naked, which won't be appropriate. Great until a visitor turns up.

Yeah, you just have to sort of carefully position your spoon and plate to decide where that's going. Yeah. What gets covered, what doesn't get covered. So we've been going through our drawers and I've been chucking out... Do you always have that one drawer

full of electrical stuff that you just discard? You know, you get a new phone so you chuck the old one in there and then the chargers and the bits and bobs and the USB things and other dangly bits. I've got those... You know those wires that have got a thing? I think they used to call it a transformer.

It's got one of those in the middle of it, like a block, a plastic block. I never know what they're from. No, who they're for. But I'd be so gutted if I found the thing that it belonged to and then I remembered throwing it away. No. Yeah, well, I spent a day plugging things into other

things to see what fitted. It was very exciting. And then I took some stuff to one of those shops. You know when they go, we buy stuff? Oh, yeah. Have you ever been in one of those places? Is it like we buy any cars? We buy anything. We buy any stuff. Do you mean like a cash converter?

Like a sort of cash converter type place. I don't know what this means. Can you explain it to me? I live in a sort of ivory tower. Yeah. What is a cash converter place? For a commoner like me, what you do is you... Sounds like the Bureau de Chant.

Yes, but you don't get a very good exchange rate, but it is quite fun and you do learn a lot, but you do need a couple of hand wipes when you come out. Don't touch the services. I took my stuff, like old phones, like really, really old phones, like properly old phones. I got some money for them, though. They might have been worth a bomb or two.

They weren't old enough to be of historical or antique value. It wasn't Alexander Graham Bell's first phone. What you want is the ones that the sort of films when they're making an 80s film they want. I've got one

of those. Have you ever seen the ones that open and there's a keyboard and a screen inside it. It's like a laptop phone. I've still got one of those, have you ever seen the ones that open and there's a keyboard and a screen inside it? Yes. It's like a laptop phone. Yes. I've still got one of those. I don't think I'd part with it because, for nostalgic reasons,

it's the first phone I used to dump someone by text. And I think you've got to keep a few, you know, emotional values. Life's first. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I managed to vlog some stuff. I've got some cat, few emotional values. Life's first. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I managed to flog some stuff. I've got some cash in my hand. Loaded.

I feel really alive. I feel like a sort of barrow boy, like a market stall holder or something. I was like, yeah, cash. Yeah. Dirty cash in my pocket. It's brilliant. I'm going to do it with more stuff.

Probably not even my stuff. I'm probably going to branch out into other people's stuff to start selling other people's stuff I think that happens in those shops I think that does happen I was getting that feeling from people around me I was like is that your stuff or somebody else's stuff I didn't know these shops existed

but I've got loads of stuff I'll come round I'll empty your drawers for you I'm quite happy doing it now I've got a good eye now for what charger fits what receptacle. But say I took in an old radio that worked. What are we talking? Five or something?

A quid. A radio? A quid for a radio. Probably a quid. It's non-digital. Transistor radio. A wireless. I thought you'd be looking at maximum a quid.

For me, is it worth? It's not even worth the journey, is it? It's going to cost me that in petrol. Yeah, exactly. I'll come round in my van. I'll take what you've got, mate. And, yeah, any old iron. That's why you really need loads of stuff.

You need like a quid for the radio and then like 99 other items. What I do is I give the things to the charity shop so it helps people who are less well-off than me. Not Zoe. It's a different technique to yours. But, you know, we've all got our own little priorities. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8.

Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. We've got a bit of fashion news this week actually Frank Family Dean is sitting on her sick bed listening to this Yes You know the model Poppy Delevingne

of course you do I love Poppy No no I just got a text from Thomas De Quincey I was reading out loud I think that's the first Thomas De Quincey. I was reading it out loud. I think that's the first Thomas De Quincey joke that's ever been made on Absolute Radio. And I'm glad I was here when it happened. I think there's only you that would have been here

when that happened. It's always going to be you. I was going to go Samuel Taylor Coleridge, but I thought it was too populist. Right. Well, she was at a fashion show. Wow. Kel surprise. Indeed. And she inadvertently showed the world that she'd been FaceTiming her husband.

You know when someone's holding their phone and they think it's holding inwards towards them so people can't see it? She was holding it outwards and the people could see that she was facetiming her husband who had no top on, he was bare chested but can I ask you a question about me? Sure. See I, when I saw that I wondered if it wasn't a case of

let me tell you I'll tell you a story, I was once in a I was once in a... Love a Max Byer Graves story. I was once in a small cafe in Italy, and there was a woman sitting at a table on a phone, and she was clearly talking to her significant other and describing what the meal was,

talking about what the view was. And she was sort of having a romantic meal with someone who wasn't there. And if she'd have had FaceTime, which hadn't been invented then, I mean, it would have been even better. She could have showed him the meal and anything else. And I wonder if Poppy Delevingne wasn't showing her husband the vista of the exciting do deliberately.

You're right. She might have just said to him, oh, I'm about to see this press pack. There's one photographer that I really hate, the one with the green jacket. Have a look at this. Yeah. She could have done, yeah.

And I mean, a man with his top off is not a controversial. I mean, if it had been me, they'd have just assumed she was watching Ben Kingsley and Gander. But was he in a bag or something? I think we could see him through gauze, I have a sense. He was in a bag. I think he was sitting next to John Lennon and Yoko Ono. No, was he through gauze?

Was he coming through gauze? I don't think so. I think she was... Maybe she had him in the back leg of her leggings. You know those leggings you get with the gauze windows? Oh, yeah. I love those. I mean, I do think it is indicative of how beautiful people live.

You know, they're sort of otherworldly. He's an ex-model. She's a model, and so obviously they can tolerate discussing, they can have FaceTime, and she'd be like, oh, you're so beautiful with your shirt off. Whereas I think if I was to try and FaceTime my wife and I had my shirt off, she'd be like,

could you put a shirt on in the hotel? I'm eating my dinner while we're FaceTiming. So I just think that it's... Do you FaceTime, Mike? No. In fact, we don't even FaceTime, because she'd that it's... Do you FaceTime, Mark? No. No. In fact, we don't even FaceTime because she'd be like, why are we looking at each other?

Can't we do this by text? Nobody talks to each other like that, staring at each other's face. It's really weird. It is weird, isn't it? You don't just have a conversation just staring... Maybe very beautiful people do, though.

But they're the only people that can use that facility because I was on the train the other day and I turned on my phone and I meant to turn the camera on but then i turned on the selfie camera so it was looking back at me and oh the oh for the love of god oh come on no it really wasn't good it really wasn't good it was i sat it was an ice you just got your spoon and plate oh you've got to hold it up i mean if you hold it up high it's fine because then at least all of the folds fall away from your face,

and there is some remnants of being a human being. But down the way... Zoe. When you face down, it's just a surprise Sharpay puppy. That's what was looking back at me. Well, I... It came too late for me, FaceTime. If that had come in my youth,

when my moral compass used to spin like a sanding machine, I think I'd have used it for the worst possible reason. Oh, sure. God, I wouldn't have been much face involved. And we were talking about Poppy Delevingne and her FaceTime thing. I have another theory. I think this is the most normal version of these events,

is that they're chatting and the husband says, Oh, you know that spot that I had on my shoulder? It popped. It's gross. And she went, let's do FaceTime and show me, and then that's why he's got his shirt off and they're chatting, rather than it just be like, yeah, I'm so beautiful and we're chatting with my shirt off.

Do people still do the spot sharing thing? Yeah. I felt I couldn't trust my partner. When you say, ow, no, stop, and they go, no, no, no, it's coming out now. And it never is, I don't think. They just can't

stop themselves. You think it's already gone five minutes and you're just waiting for it. I, yes, so I've never, I've barely used FaceTime at all for anything. No, never, nothing. My father Skypes me every now and again,

but what that means is I get a conversation with the top of his head. Yeah. Just a little tuft of hair. So you're short, man. No, he just has no idea where the camera is and what he's looking at. So it's just a little tuft of hair. I spend the whole thing looking at me in the corner on Skype. That's me in the corner.

Brings out your REM narcissism. Yeah, it does that. But no, I don't like that much either. It's odd because I used to dream as a kid when I watched sci-fi films, you know, Star Trek or stuff like that. When they contacted people, it always was like video communication. It looked great. It must make phoning in sick a more elaborate business, hasn't it? Because it's one thing doing the voice. What do you wear?

One of those Crimean War head bandages. You have to look ill as well. Yeah. Mistake. Presumably people don't FaceTime and stick. People do FaceTime on the bus and on the train and in public transport and all over the place. What are you doing that for?

You don't need to do that. What I don't understand is when people sit together, they all look at their phones, they never look at each other. When they're not with them, they want to look at each other. Yeah. I might start to sound like one of those old geese who says stuff like, and when people look on the phone, they don't even look at...

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but, you know, it's all right. What about when my phone went off during a Catholic mass and the ringtone I had was three lions? That was so... I mean, that was treble embarrassment. That's why I've always got Gregorian chant on mine in case it goes off anyway.

Yeah, but what if it goes off at an England fan do? Then you'll feel pretty stupid. Yours is probably Zee Lions. Fantastic work. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm just talking about Uber. Oh, don't. I'll be trapped in the town centre.

Don't. How shall ever I get home? Night, this Poppy Delevingne woman... I might have to buy a hoop and stick. How's that going to help? Just gives me some trajectory. I don't really know her work, Poppy Delevingne. I'll tell you something. I don't really know her work, Poppy Delevingne.

I'll tell you something. I once did... There was some disaster in the third world. I can't put a name to it. It's been a long time ago. And I went up the BT Tower, and me and Poppy Delevingne and a handful of other, let's call ourselves celebrities, took donation phone calls so we answered the phone and took people's uh she is um she's in i mean in the flesh she's a

remarkable looking human being she's in um she's in uh she's beautiful woman yeah fair play i didn't really speak to but she had turned up for a charitable event. Well, this is my point. I think she has to be a beautiful woman because that is such a pretty name, isn't it? Poppy Delevingne. It's even got a little bit... But imagine if her parents had called her that

and then she'd been minging. Like, it would just be so unfair because it sounds like someone lovely has come... Can we acknowledge that women can be minging now? I think so. I'm not sure. What is this, Brave New World? I think it's so...

Well, it is. I don't know about brave. I'm frightened to death. I think you'll find all women are beautiful and all men are vermin. They're not, Frank. Some people are minging and some people are gorgeous and some people are a bit of a sign.

If you name a baby Poppy de Levine and it looks like a sort of melted pumpkin, then it's going to be, yeah, it's difficult to pull that off, isn't it? You're like, Yeah. It's called a pulpy, pulpy de levine. Exactly.

Yeah. Yeah, ploppy de levine. What I'm saying is, they, you know, they threw for a bullseye and they got it. If she'd looked like that, she wouldn't be so FaceTime crazy,

would she? But isn't the whole family beautiful? Isn't it just like a sort of pedigree Afghan hounds? Isn't that what they look like, wandering around? Well, I only know her and Cara. I mean, are there other sisters? I think the whole family's like that. Wouldn't it be unlikely that the mum and dad are a couple of...

What was the word you used? If there's another sister called Old Bootface Delavine. This can't be right, surely. Can we say this? Why are you so worried? I'm worried that we're even acknowledging their gender in this age of fluidity. I mean, when I was a young man,

gender fluidity meant women who could catch. I don't think you can say when you were a young man. Can you not say that when I was a young human being? I'm stretching it. But, yes, she seemed nice. Tall. Yeah. You know, and all the rest of it.

Is that a talent? Tallness? Tallness. That's all I've got. Is that a skill? That's all I've got. She had a grace about her as well She could walk as well

No, but she had, you know Is that on your CV? I'm tall and can walk She looked, you couldn't There wasn't a sense of the Sometimes you get a joltiness From one foot going in front of the other But she had more of a Camberwick Green glide

Nice Yes I don't I'm not questioning her human essence She seemed, you know One one of those nice-looking people who you don't want to talk to. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Zoe Lyons and Alan Cochran. Don't text the show today because we're not live. I apologise but, you know, things to do. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, however, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I'm eating Toblerone. It's a biggie

as well, one of those big, some airport Toblerone. What I'd call an airport Toblerone. That's exactly what it is. In order to impress a woman I'd had a brief relationship, right? That's exactly what it is. I once, in order to impress a woman I'd had a brief relationship with. Yeah. When I'm saying brief. I'm talking the sort of relationship

you could have 365 times a year. The next morning, when I got up first and I put the toast, I used as a toast rack a large Toblerone I'd brought back. And I said, just to suggest that that's how Shelby's people live. Slightly melted by the hot toast. It's all right.

Didn't spoil the toast? No, it was all right. I mean, think pan au chocolat, why don't you? I will. Okay. Yum. You know, I've never ate a pan au chocolat without at first holding it to my face

to form a pig snout. Oh, can't you? There's certain foods that I, after the summer... Yes, yeah. I've seen you with bananas as a sleeve. The withered hand banana. The banana withered hand thing. I've never seen that.

Oh. Oh. I haven't spent enough time with Frank. And we'll leave it there, though, I think. Yeah, true enough. It wasn't just, what's her name? Mrs. Delevingne. Poppy Delevingne.

Poppy Delevingne. That had the fashion faux pas. Yeah, how quickly we forget. Yeah. There was also a bit of a same-dress nightmare situation that has swept the internet. It has swept the internet. It really has.

God knows it needed a good sweep. Yeah. I scoured the internet recently and I come up shining. Bits of it need bleaching. Yeah, they do. Yeah, some industrial cleaner needed. But yeah, was it eight women all dressed in the same dress?

Coincidentally, not as a plan. No, I ain't. But how far I am far now through an internet sensation do you get? I bet this was set up. Right. Eight women at the same wedding wore the same dress. That's... I mean, was it free on the front of a magazine

are you the person putting fake in the comments fake news and then it says fake fake news well having said that we've turned up fairly similar today yes we have do you think Elton John

has been thinking is this the time to re-release Rocketman now that the phrase is back in common parlance? Wouldn't that be a piece of cynicism? Yes. And as he says himself, Rocketman! Where is a burden to you and settle home? I'd forgotten that's what he says.

No, I did. It was really... Would it be an acceptable scam if let's say 15 to 20 women went to a wedding in exactly the same dress as the bride yeah well how would the bride take that i wonder it's a good point i don't know probably not happily yes they're not it's only the bride that's meant to wear white isn't it it's It's really rude. Is that right? Is it? Well, what happened when Colonel Sanders' daughter got married? Oh, imagine the meal at that.

Oh. Three piece. If you do know the answer to that, please email us it just for the future, because I'd love to know. Well, he must have children, the Colonel. He must? Why? He just, I mean, Because I'd love to know. Well, he must have children, the Colonel. He must? Why? Because he's that sort of family man, isn't he?

Yeah. Didn't they do the wedding bucket? Would that be a menu option? Oh, yeah. Wedding bucket. That's when you know you're going to a classy marriage. Yeah. When the food's in a bucket.

It's good, though, because if you do need to be sick, there's a bucket. Yeah, perfect. Perfect. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're talking about a bunch of

Australian women who ate women, was it? Ate women in the same dress. I didn't realise it was Australian women I think it was in Sydney, Australia Does that make it more or less believable for you? Yeah, that would make it more believable Let's change the dynamics here

If it's from a small town, maybe there was just the one outlet What, Sydney? Have you been to Australia? Got it from the shop Been to the shop, got the dress If they're all in the same dress, when they did the hokey-cokey, if you're looking at it from the balcony, it must have looked like a big scrunchie.

Yeah. Steadily dilating scrunchie. Why did that sound rude? It's the word dilating, isn't it? I think so. Well, scrunchie's quite visual. I'm surprised, I have to say, that the same dress nightmare thing doesn't happen more often. Yeah. I think so. Well, scrunchie's quite visual. I'm surprised, I have to say,

that the same dress nightmare thing doesn't happen more often. Yeah. I can't think of hardly any time I've ever been anywhere where I've got a shirt on and someone else has. Oh, really? Well, West Brom Games. I've had this happen loads of times at Black Tide-oos. Ah, yes. Yeah, West Brom Games.

Do you think anyone's ever bought a football replica shirt and thought, I'll wear this at the... I bet no one's ever thought of wearing these at the games. And then turned up and there's 5,000 of them. My favourite is the guy that you see sometimes on Match of the Day in the stands with his... over his coat, you know, the football shirt over the coat. I've done that.

I find it very funny. Do you know, I went to La Scala in Milan, the opera house, with a West Brom shirt underneath her evening jacket. Did you? Pathetic. What was that? I don't know what I was trying to prove. I think I was king of the new lads

at the time. Oh, you were? Yeah, yeah. I don't know if you remember that. It's a weird thing, though, if you turn up and somebody's got the same item of clothing on you as you. I find I tend to like the item of clothing less. Well you would. Yeah. It's like when you

order a meal and somebody But shouldn't you like it more? Shouldn't you like it more Yeah. But there's a bit where they go

no I don't want it now. Not that you've got it. Do you want them to look worse in it or better? Worse. Okay. Much worse.

See these women all looked alright right in it, I thought. I didn't think any of them looked brilliant. There's still going to be one that's the best. There's still got to be one that looks the best and one that looks the worst. That's life. So it's tough for that Lady 8. It must happen to goths all the time. All the time.

Oh, you wore the long leather jacket. We should have texted each other. I was going to go with a multicoloured coat today. But I am surprised that it doesn't happen more. Is there any sort of... You know when you get, like, prints from an artist? Say if Tracey Amin does a drawing, there'll be a limited edition.

Do they do that with dresses and stuff? I think if you go, then, yeah. I'll try. It's changed nothing for me. I picked up the Toblerone and realised I can't eat it mid-leaf. No.

Every time I pick up a Toblerone, I think of Leslie Garrett singing Climb Every Mountain in the stage version of Sound of Music. What a voice she's got. Made me feel a bit poorly. Too loud. You know some people are too loud. Yeah, so we think it was real then, do we? We think it was real and not only that, the daily mail article that i read quotes um some guy who uh commented yang vang his name is he wrote my worst nightmare being dressed the

same as someone else and i read that and thought what mild nightmares you have yeah like mine are more like my teeth fall out and then turn into little creatures and start eating my feet. That sounds much worse than, like, oh, I've got the same jacket on as that guy. What about when I... Remember the dream I told you about when I drove Judy Finnegan to an event and she suddenly took out a revolver and shot Chancellor Helmut Kohl? That seems worse.

I felt like I was somehow party to it. You're an assistant to the crime. Yeah, I felt like an accomplice who had partied to it you're an assistant to the crime yeah I felt like an accomplice I never said let him have it oh those were the days

well they weren't actually the days they were things that didn't it was a dream those were the nights here's a question for you what's the cut off

same clothes age for twins I wish we had a text here I know a set of triplets Cut off same clothes age for twins. I wish we had a text here. I know a set of triplets, 18 years of age, all of them, and they dress the same. Out of choice? Well, I think so.

No, they're in prison. They're all nuns. They're all one nun. Like a pantomime nun. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio're all one non. Like a pantomime non. I found a lovely thing to do with your spare change this week. Ah, yes. Yes, indeedy. There's a father and son in Somerset who are... They're reflooring the floor of their garage that

they've just built in 2P copper coins. In the most beautiful way possible, they've made it look very, very lovely indeed. They're taking 2P copper coins and sort of doing a sort of parquet flooring effect across their garage floor. Head to tail. I don't think that's important. I think what's important... Not important? No, I don't think it's important. I think what's important... Not important? No, I don't think it's important.

That's one of the biggest existential questions ever, isn't it? They must have made a decision for uniformity. You think they're just putting summer heads and summer tails? That's not stipulated in the... That wouldn't have bothered me, actually, when I was putting that down. I'm not that particular about my coin. They'll probably have... What if they listen to this?

They've already put down about 12,000 coins and they think, oh, that's a good idea. We should have gone. Although they're not all the same, are they? Two pence coins? No, like some coins are different from others, even if they're the same denomination, aren't they? But what they're doing is they are

cleaning them using fizzy pop. Oh, yes. So they're cleaning the coins. Oh, yes, we used to do that, remember, with the old copper coins. Yeah. So they're cleaning some of the coins and leaving the other ones tarnished, creating a beautiful parquet.

Oh, they're leaving some tarnished ones. Some of them are like stripes, you know, like when there's been a new groundsman attached to a football court. Oh, yes. Like that. They did that, yeah. 33,000 coins they're going to use. Mm-hm.

It doesn't fit in with the idea of Theresa May's austerity, but people are using money to make floors. But then it's quite... It's only going to cost about 600 quid to do the whole floor, which is not... That's not bad, is it, for a floor? I suppose it's more than the floor. It's in a garage.

It's in a garage. I just think of a garage floor costing nothing. Yeah. But this will be a signature piece. It'll be something to behold. It'll be a talking point. Yeah. I don't know what face I'd pull if somebody went,

come to my garage and look at my penny floor. I don't know, like surprise, interest, horror. What face would you pull? That sort of... Is it disrespectful to Her Majesty? To walk on her? What would be more disrespectful, walking on her face or her face down in the gluey dust?

Well, we lick the back of her head every time we send a postcard. Stamp, yeah. Good point. No-one's licked a stamp, I would say, for 15 years. There's still some licky stamps, aren't there? I don't think so. You always still lick stamps. You lick stamps? They come on like a sticker sheet now.

Even then, don't deny yourself the gluey pleasure. There's something quite nice about it. I used to love licking envelopes until I realised they were made in prisons and people did stuff with the glue. No, I don't believe that. That's true, that's true. Stamps? Are made in prisons?

No, the envelopes. I stopped licking them because they were made of shire horses. Were they? Yeah, that's what they make glue with, I think. You get a bit of fur in your teeth. Well, it's nice. The good thing about the story is it's nice a father and son having a shared activity. I like it a lot.

I don't know if you've read Oedipus. It's not always a success. But I think it's... You imagine a young man who doesn't want to be bothered with his dad anymore. I like the idea of the two of them on their knees sticking topsies. I hope they don't take the 2p out of circulation

before they finish the project. That would be a bit of a blow. Well, that would be better, wouldn't it? Wouldn't that give it a sort of a lovely nostalgic thing? Historical value. Yeah. Yeah. Because if it was old pennies, that would be a bigger deal,

I would have thought. Do you know what I do with my pennies? I collect them in a freezer bag and then I... Freezer bag? Yeah, in a freezer bag because they're quite strong. And then I go down the supermarket and they've got one of those machines that counts it. Oh, yeah. And the sound it makes when it goes through is absolutely

delicious. It's like ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka and it goes on for hours ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka and you've got this is amazing I've got so much money and then your little ticket comes out and it's like £4.20 and you're like yeah that was 8 years of saving It's a frugal side coming out to you There is, it's selling your own

The motoring correspondent now she's frugal I feel out to you. There is. It's selling your old default. First she was like the motoring correspondent, now she's frugal. I feel like I've got no territory left on this show. Frugal sharky, I call her. Wow, so you're selling off your used items and taking your... And collecting my coppers. I mean, what happened to the days

when local celebrities would push a tower of pennies into a blanket in a public house and that would be like, you know, 37 and 6 for a local children's home. What are you describing here? That used to be a tradition. Is this from a Dickens novel or something? No, I've seen it happen.

You'd have a tower of pennies and they'd get a local celebrity and they'd push them over with one finger. And then that money would go to the charity. You're not familiar with the Tower of Pennies? Tower of Pennies? No. Well, I mean... What era was this? It was my era.

I bet it's still happening in some parts of the country. No. The Tower of Pennies. I'm sure I've had requests to go and push over a Tower of Pennies. Is that not a euphemism for something? I don't think so. I hope not. I've said yes to the one in Stourport.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio We have an ice bucket full of coins in the house. Do you? What are you planning to do with them? I might follow Zoe's lead and take them to my local supermarket and tip them in and then start punching the air now.

They do take a commission. Oh, what? You've got to be prepared to take the hit. No, I'm back out. I'll just count them out and put them in bin bags. What denomination have you got in your bucket? It's mostly two pences and one pence, I think. I think sometimes the higher denomination coins

get filtered out for, you know, metered parking. Would you go down for the brown in the street? It's a reasonable question. Would you pick up a totems or a penny? 5p is my limit. Is it? Yeah. No, I think I would because I'd probably see it as some low-level cardio.

Just... Yeah. You'd better stay out of that garage. Yeah, exactly. Unless you're taking a claw hammer. It did occur to me, that garage. Do you think anybody's going to give their opinion and say, it's just my top and swerve? Oh. It's going to happen, isn't it? Somebody's anybody's going to give their opinion and say, it's just my top and swerve?

Oh. It's going to happen, isn't it? Somebody's going to have to. I'll tell you what I didn't like. You know, it said, one of my problems is when people say, I'm having that. I did a joke this week at the charity gig and a man from the charity said,

oh, I'm stealing that joke when I blah, blah. And I just think, don't say that as if I'm all right with it. No. It said in this thing, it said in, I think, the mail, it said, the dad came up with the idea after seeing a picture on Facebook. Oh. Did he come up with the idea after seeing a picture of what? A picture of a floor made of coins?

Yeah. Did he come up with the idea or did he steal the idea after seeing a picture on Facebook? Pocketed it, didn't he? What was the picture on Facebook? Maybe it was a picture of the Dalai Lama. And he thought, hey, what if I had toppers all over my garage floor? That'd be all right.

But I'm guessing it was a picture of coins forming a Parquet effect. So he didn't come up with the idea. We cleared that up you're right i don't think anybody disagrees with you also that coca-cola thing we used to do that put old pennies in coca-cola yeah you can put you can put a tea a tooth in coca-cola and it disappears yeah what's rot but yeah because i was thinking about this earlier if you put coin in and it disappears yeah what's rot but yeah because i was thinking about this earlier if you put coin in and it makes it all nice and shiny surely there's a sort of optimum point of holding coke in your mouth will make your teeth nice and shiny and then you've just got to spit it out after that point yeah i think if your teeth were made of the same material as copper coins that is

exactly how the science would work like the queen Yeah. I think hers were made of copper, I remember, from the look of them. Yeah. We use brown sauce as well to shine up our brown coins. Do you? Yeah. Well, not anymore, but I used to as a child. So presumably if you held brown sauce in your mouth for, say, an hour and 40 minutes, that would bring your teeth up a bit.

Maybe watch a long film. I wouldn't call that, I'd call that film time. Yeah, that's about right, isn't it? Any more than 100 is... Gargling with brown sauce. Yeah, that's... That'd be great, wouldn't it, in a way?

Yeah. If there's any children listening, don't hold brown sauce in your mouth for an hour and 40 minutes. Because... One minute at a time. I can't think of a reason. I just don't. I bet there's parents going, do. That would be great. I'd love a piece

of quiet. There won't be. Maybe pick a lily. Oh, yeah. Oh, you love pick a lily. You're still having that even though you're on this regime. I'll tell you what, on this recycling of coins and all that thing, whatever happened to the ring pull belt? Do you remember that?

No. No? There was a time when young women started wearing ring pull belts made out of ring pulls. Really? You don't remember that either? Not that or the Tower of Pennies. This is all made up. This is all made up.

It is not made up. This is from a different time. Are you sure they're not all from the same dream with Judy Finnegan and... Wouldn't you lacerate yourself to pieces on a ring pull belt? No, but it says over your jeans. No, but just the ring pulley bit, not the sort of... Not the whole can.

They're not leaving a wedding. No, it's a ring pull. It's quite fashionable. Have you ever seen the show Adam Adamant about a Victorian gentleman who's frozen in a block of ice and then comes out in the 1960s and he's saying things like,

discotheque? What on earth? Feels a bit like that. I've never felt so alienated. Absolute. Absolute. Absol've never felt so alienated. Here's a question. Is it legal to stick a load of two-pence pieces to a garage floor? I wouldn't say it would be illegal. Well, you're taking them out of circulation. I think that's the government's decision, ultimately. But I've got them in a freezer bag in my cupboard,

so I've taken those out of circulation. Whether you should have said that on air is debatable. Oh, no. Oh, I just walked into that. You know those police battery rams? Yeah. Listen out. I've got thousands of £50 notes underneath my floorboards in my house that I just don't even use.

I'm saving them up to make a papier-mâché helmet one day. Oh, okay. So, is that legal? Is it true? No. Is it legal? Is it not? I believe seriously, it's illegal to burn money. Alright. Have you heard this before?

I know that when I started on the comedy circuit, there was a magic act that used to burn someone's money. I think he burned a tenner a night and then gave the guy it back. And I once said to him, what's the trick then? How are you doing that? And he went, no, I'm just burning a tenner a night. So every gig he's doing, he's losing a tenner.

Yeah. Which in those days. Yeah. Yeah. My dad used to work at Land Rover and they used to get celebrity visitors come and look at the production line. And he had the heartthrob yodeler Frank Ifield

came visiting. And he asked Ifield to sign a pound note. And Frank Ifield said, my managers tell me we're not allowed to do that. It's illegal. But I will push over a tower of pennies for you. I bet you Frank Ifield pushed over, say, £10,000 worth of towers of pennies in his long and varied career.

I'll bet you. But yeah, so heto, it's illegal. You can't sign it. And I think he said because it's signed by the governor of the Bank of England, you can't have a second signature on it. Seemed incredible financial knowledge from Frank Ifill of all people.

I mean, you know, I suppose he's on tour. Not what he was known for. Remember, there was no Google in those days. This is something he's read from the hard copy. Book learning, yeah. Good old-fashioned book learning. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I once handed somebody in a post office a £5 note and somebody defaced the £5 note. They'd written something rather rude on it. Oh, dear. But I only noticed as I handed it over and I felt like a child.

That's because of the woman. I didn't write that. I didn't write that. And did she accept it? She accepted it, but she gave me a very disparaging look. I was like, I didn't write that about the Queen on there. I didn't. Somebody else did, but yeah. I think Frank Ifill was a Republican.

Maybe that's why he got the warning. Diffamatory messages about the Queen on his... Is he still alive, Frank Ifill? I've turned round and asked the team. I have an average age of about 22. You're the only person in this room

that's heard of Frank Ifield. He's been reclosed by the Ifield Ten, hasn't he? Isn't that... He was a yodeler. There aren't that many pop yodelers. That's what I thought you might have heard of him. Oh. I'll remember you.

I like the fact you think I'm thinking of another pop yodeler. Yeah. I hate it when you get your yodelers mixed up. It's just so embarrassing. Well, anyway, I'm starting with him next week. Good. He did a song called She Taught Me To Yodel, which it's all about he meets a Swiss woman

and one thing leads to another he ends up yodelling fantastic anyway it's been a walk down memory lane in many ways that is the show though thanks for listening Zoe it's been absolutely lovely having you on as it always is

always a pleasure next time I see you I'll say guess what I've got to push over at Tower of Pain. In a club in Bright. Yes, so thanks very much. Sarah Champion is up next. Enjoy that and bring on the feathers. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.