The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Absolute Sense

Episode Date: September 7, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has a Boiler Man update and has begun a new part-work. The team also discuss the scary books and the lively political news.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram. Hmm, hmm, hmm. And Frank on the radio. Oliver Hardy. And email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Have you ever travelled

in the southern parts of the United States of America? Oh, yes. Let's say a waitress delivers something and you say, oh, thank you very much. They go, mm-hmm.

Oh, do they? Yeah. That's good. Yeah, like it's a standard sort of uh you know like prego i think they say in italy if you say oh yeah oh yeah it's like that right maybe i'll start using it all the time maybe i won't i've got a career to think about i think yeah you might sound a bit creepy yeah there's that there is that it's something i have to constantly take into uh okay can i start we're gonna start with uh before we go to the outside world or whatever oh yeah i just

you know i'm a big fan of the part work yes aren't you um A part work in case, I'm surprised to admit that when I use this phrase in normal conversation, people often say to me, what's a part work? Yeah. And it occurred to me this week, is it a pun on artwork? No. Okay. Next. So a part work is one of these magazines that you buy weekly and it builds into, you get binders for them and stuff

and they build into whatever, encyclopedias. Often, like there's one, there's Doctor Who figurines part work, one of which I bought. Let me know where I can get that from. Well, I did bought you one for your birthday with the pirate captain.

So that is one. And there was one, my favourite ever one, I think, was Victorian delivery vehicles. Oh, that's right, yeah. Which everyone was a small model of this Victorian delivery vehicle. I suppose a standard one would be like a battleship or maybe some kind of astronaut type vehicle spaceship, that's what they're called

that's it I was thinking of one of those surface jeeps, but yeah you're right space, well that's a relatively new phenomenon when you build something, it used to be I had a thing called Story of Pop which was a brilliant

encyclopaedia of pop music as it turned out. Anyway, this week I bought my son, who is seven, part one of Build Your Own X-Wing. Excellent. Which is, an X-Wing, as you may know, is what... When you divorce someone and

they won't leave the house. That's where they live. Partitioned in the house. The X-Wing could have more than one they won't leave the house. That's where they live. Right, okay. In the house. Rod Stewart had a few of those. Could have more than one living there, couldn't he? I suppose there's probably, in a harem, there's probably an X-wing. Yeah.

The ones that don't get called upon anymore. Oh, that'd be quite nice, though. That'd be nice. I'd love... Do you know what? At night, you take off the chiffon trousers for the last time. Look at you, just relaxed.

Do you know what? I think that's what I... That would be a lovely way to end up. We'd just be in the harem, service is no longer required. Exactly. All the benefits, none of the stress. You've done your...

You know, you've served your time. For as long as the benefits continue I feel like. And now I can just start getting my clothes from the back of the catalogue with the elasticated waist. Oh that would be lovely. I don't think there's a demotion system where they drop down to a different standard of living like they suddenly get put into a chalet

or something. Well I like to think, you know I'm an optimist and I like to think that those those eastern leaders, that they had a heart after all. And they thought, you've served me well, Fatima. And so you can go into the X-Wing. Anyway, the X-Wing.

The X-Wing, it's what Luke Skywalker flew. The X-Wing is what Luke Skywalker flew. It's like the good guy's fighter craft in Star Wars. So it's 99p, part one. Daddy Warbucks. Next week, how much? Next week it's £9.99. And get this, it's £9.99. Oh! And get this. Some bargain. There are 100 parts.

So you end up with an X-Wing, but you paid £990 for it. But the best thing is, if you went in a shop and bought an X-Wing model for £990, people would say, well, I saw you coming. Did it have a big window, that shop? I saw you coming. Did it have a big window, that shop? I saw you coming.

But the thing is, when you buy a model, you pay for labour. Yeah. You have to build it as well. Yeah. Come on. Here's a question, speaking of part works. I don't know if this is to do with part works, but it just reminded me of it.

I had a sort of a box set, a vinyl box set of Elvis hits and stuff. You sigh at the mention of Elvis. No, I love a bit of Elvis. And there was a free piece of his clothing that came with the the records

no it was about an inch and a half by an inch and it had a serrated edge to it like it had been cut with what I believe they call pincing scissors. Pinking shears? Pinking shears. And

they said they'd gone in and he'd handed over a large section of his wardrobe and they'd cut it into small parts. Can you think of any other example when a celebrity has sold something that had a free bit of their life

in it like that. Oh yeah. I obviously never did it again I mean that was just a one off it seems remarkable now that I bought a box set of vinyl with a piece of Elvis' clothing.

It's extraordinary. Is there an air of suspicion to your query that actually he'd never been in the same room as this bit of fabric? No, that never crossed my mind. Well, bear in mind, Frank Skinner did an entire documentary, as we know.

I've seen said documentary. Can I say, it had a sort of a, it was mustard, sort of crimpoline mustard, the material, which was very Elvis in the So you saw it and you thought, yeah it could happen I thought, yeah, I thought Elvis I could see Elvis in a suit made of this

Can we ask I-1215 if you can think of any other examples of the free clothing etc Also, I'm inclined to believe them by the very nature of the fact that it was a mustard yellow. And what I think a fraud would have done would have shoved on some rhinestones.

Or blue suede. Yeah. Yeah. To be fair, I think it might have been slightly before the white jumpsuit era. I can't quite remember when I bought it. Some of his outfits would have been quite difficult to chop into small sections, I think.

Just the fabric. It would have taken a while. Oh, yeah. I don't know what you had to watch. Still working on that Elvis shirt, mate. Sadly tore to the end. That would have done... Some of it has still got a spare.

Oh, no, come on. Come on. Not that mattress cover. Hey, come on. Stop it. So have we heard from... We have heard from the outside world. In fact, I'll bring to your attention an email

that I think is referencing last week and possibly the week before, because we've been running a little Frank correcting shows that he has seen or correcting slash improving. Yes. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Ree Frank's West End directorial debut,

Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Sound of Music. Can I just say now as the background to this that I met Andrew Lloyd Webber at an after show after The Sound of Music and I said, can I just make a suggestion? Oh, don't. It's awful. And he said, please don't. So anyway, I did.

It was about the curtain call. And then we had an email from Hannah who said I was in that and weirdly the next day he called us it out the blue to change the curtain call. Thanks for telling us that, Hannah. Hannah has now replied again. Should we hold on this?

Because the Fez is encroaching. I never said sure until I worked with Emily and now I say sure. Now I'm a person that says sure. That's what this show has done to me. I like it. How long before you're going, mm-hmm? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We were in an email corner, technically, I suppose. Oh, shall we? I wonder if I've still got the old... No, you haven't. I think this is the one where I have to intercede. I think the idea is I go, email just before they say corner.

Yeah. We missed that. Yeah. Window of opportunity. It's a small... I mean, I'd be... It's more suited if I just said fruit, but it's not a fruit cause. Read the email.

We're discussing Frank's directing debut. Ree Frank's West End directorial debut. It's ironic, obviously, that. ALW's The Sound of Music. That's Andrew Lloyd Webber's. I was an on Swing, brackets, which has nothing to do with Frank's S&M community, Emily can explain,

and The Understudy for Liesl. Oh, that's a good part. Good part. Is that 16 going on 17? She adds brackets, despite being 24 at the time when she's rather insistently 16 going on 17. That's nice, that's good prose 16 going on 17. That's nice. That's good prose.

I like that. I like Hannah. Yeah, she can write. Who do you use of insistently? Rather insistently, yeah. I don't think we should set a bar for people to be able to write this well to contact the show. Otherwise, we may receive a drop-off.

Well, I always think we've got some smart cookies out there. Yeah. Coincidentally, I also used to write for Melvin Bragg when Bragg presented the South Bank Show Awards. Welcome to the South Bank. The great thing, you don't have to write any consonants. Yeah. Wow, he's doing his Melvin Bragg impression.

Who did he do last week? Thatcher? I think we got his first ever Thatcher last week. Prince Charles this week, maybe? So I'm considering adding Frank to my CV as a major directorial influence. That would be very proud of that. Hannah, Hannah, Hannah, Hannah. So a swing is someone who understands multiple parts, is that right?

Excellent work, Skinner. Yes, I would say, I don't know this is right works gonna yes i would say i don't know this is right hannah do correct me don't um but i would i would think there was sort of an ensemble understudy so also if the understudy understudies what you're gonna do oh yeah um so you get the swing on then do you see. If the understudy plays the part, sorry, not understudy. Yeah, I think the swing has to be across several parts. Multiple parts. It's a tough old... Yeah. And, you know, it doesn't mean a thing if it ain't got swing.

Yeah. Do-op, do-op, do-op, do-op, do-op. That's what the song was about, wasn't it? Yeah, that's what it was about. It was about casting in musicals. It was like, if it ain't got that swing. So it was about a specific swing they wanted for the part. Yeah, OK.

Yes, well, that is... Informative. It is. I've really enjoyed the Andrew Lloyd Webber responding to my advice. I wonder if he's heard it. It's been a very special thing for me. What I like about ALW is he likes a floral shirt

and he likes a done-up cuff, but the sleeve itself is quite blouson in between. There's a lot of fabric. I think it's because he's a svelte man. Yeah. Yeah. OK, that's the word on ALW. Any words on his clothes? He probably finds it hard to find grippy sleeves. Oh, that's the word on ALW. Any words on his clothes?

He probably finds it hard to find grippy sleeves. Oh, grippy sleeves. Imagine asking for that in a shop. Yeah. Honey, grippy sleeve shirts. Or like you haven't. Yeah. Yeah.

The idea of him in the floral shirt makes me think of if you found, if he fell asleep in a park, you'd feel, you might think that James May had been desiccated and that was what was left of him. Which would be an odd, I know it'd be an odd conclusion to arrive at, but that's probably where I'd find myself. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We were asking, well, I think this was a Frank Skinner-driven texting. You were asking if anybody has had parts of celebrities' clothing. I wondered if the Elvis organisation, when they gave away a free piece of Elvis' clothing with a vinyl box set, if that had ever been done before or since.

I've never heard of it elsewhere. Well, you're about to. We've had an email entitled Celebrity Clothing. It begins, when growing up as a Roman Catholic, I used to receive as a gift a part of Padre Pio's clothing. Padre Pio's?

Padre Pio, yeah. Yeah. Every year, I became an altar boy for a while and was given loads of these cards with a little slice of Pio's brown clothing, including limited edition ones when he had stigmata. I have so many... Oh, that was nasty.

Result. God. I have so many. Oh, that was nasty. Result. I have so many. I'm sure if I got someone to sew them all together, I would have his full wardrobe or at least be able to make an Obi-Wan Kenobi robe. Oh, it's Douglas. They've not named themselves. And these were primary relics.

Or secondary relics. Can you explain? Always with the history. Can you explain to the uninitiated about Padre Pio, please? Yeah, Padre Pio was a very holy man who, he did have stigmata, which I know makes people,

he used to wear like leather, what they used to call steptoe gloves, you know, those fingerless gloves. Did he? To cover up the scars so it didn't frighten people off. Also gloves seen in early episodes of EastEnders, when they're on the market stall, the fingerless gloves, because they still need to get the change,

but they want warm hands. Yeah, out of the leather pouch. Yeah, exactly. So Graham Green, who was a Catholicolic but a very quite a cynical absolute radio quite quite about graham green was the glory he was quite he was quite a cynical catholic he wasn't like your conventional catholic and he went to um he had padre pio uh preach preach and he said he spoke for about 10 minutes and he said he was pretty amazed and he was very impressed

and when he went outside he realised he'd been in there two and a half hours so he must have had something going, so you get primary relics which are actually things that have touched the person, the saint or you get secondary that are things that have touched things that have touched the person, the saint. Or you get secondary, that are things that have touched things that have touched the saint.

I like it, I'm one of those. What about, does Padre Pio, when was he around then? Speaking of the saint, just a second. Well, sort of that, he didn't die that long ago. Graham, not Graham Greene didn't die that long ago. Oh, OK, fine. Graham, Graham, not Graham Green, the saint, Roger Moore. Oh, yeah. I heard the other day,

Stevie Wonders. Don't make me laugh. Stevie Wonders, my Sharia Moore. And I just thought that Roger Moore's ex-wife could have brought out a cover of that called Ma Sharia R. Moore. Oh, yeah. And that would have, I think, gone right up the chart.

Marjorie R. Moore. La, la, la, summer's day. Yeah. Well, there you are. If there's anyone out there who's going out with someone called R. Maybe Tina Moore who went out with Bob Inmore. Yeah. She could bring it out.

Glenmore? It's got to be Arda. Okay. Yeah. You're so strict about strange things. Strange rules that you seem to have made up. Well, I think they come with the old... It's got to be Arda.

Look, if you're going to have a project, you've got to have perimeters. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Now, I went to see Wes Brom play Blackburn Rovers last week. And

as you know, a character that we've spoken of many times on this show is Boilerman, who is a sort of, he's one of the mascots. I don't know if he'd, the official mascot of West Bromwich Albion

is Baggy Bird, which is a man in a giant throsh outfit. Now we'll leave it there. And then Boilerman is a combi boiler. Yeah. I'm surprised you think this needs explaining. No, some people might not know. He's simply that.

He's simply a white combi boiler on legs. Now, I wouldn't describe it as the most ornate mascot. Exactly. And you know what? That's what I love about it. For me, Boilerman has got an element of Marcel Duchamp's urinal. Yes.

And it's like found art. They haven't done anything to the boiler. They've just presented it. Yeah. The way Andy Warhol would say, I know you see these things every day, but if I take them in isolation and put them in the gallery, you'll see that they are beautiful.

Sadly, I don't think the boiler man has had quite the same impact on the art world as Marshall Dishon. Well, he hasn't, he hasn't, has he? But what they've done... One person in your house. I have to confess that that was the first home game I've been to this season. Right.

And what they've done is they've put stripes on Boilerman to make him look more West Bromwich Albion. We play in blue and white stripes, so they've put blue stripes on him. Has he got the white tights still? Still got the white tights. He's getting nippy this time of year. But I felt

disappointed and dejected that they've tampered with the perfection of boiler. With the boiler. You don't want to tamper with the boiler. You guarantee it won't work. Now he looks more like a football mascot because he's got a stripe

for all intensive herbs. He looks like a football mascot that you've got, you know, a stripe. For all intents and purposes, it's a stripy shirt. He looks like a football mascot that you've drawn on an Etch-A-Sketch. Yeah. Because he's got, like, straight lines. But it's not... Hang on. Boilerman, if you're listening. Respect, but you are no longer a boiler. No, that's the trouble, you see.

You don't get combi-boilers like that, or unless they see. You don't get combi boilers like that, or unless they're... You do get combi boilers. Hang on, let's go to Adrian and Charles' house, because I wouldn't be surprised. Or he might have a blue and white striped boiler. But maybe they've started producing them, which would be tremendous news. That would look nice.

I'll tell you what as well, is that when I saw him near to Baggy Bird, the original throsh, who of course wears a blue and white striped shirt, I just wondered if Baggy Bird now doesn't think that Boilerman is maybe treading on his talons a bit. Because I'll tell you what it reminded me of. I don't know if anyone else on the ground thought this.

It reminded me of once on Strictly. It went to Darcy Bustle. This is in the Bustle era. It went to Darcy. Can I just say great days? Yeah, it went to Darcy. In so many ways. So it went to Darcy Bustle for her score.

Where are you? And Darcy Bustle said, seven. And Len looked at her as if how you have usurped my catchphrase. I'm going to find that clip on YouTube later. I'm having that. Russell said I'm having that. He didn't take it well at all. I mean, it's as if Len had got up and done some fabulous balletic pirouette

and Darcy had gone, hey, come on, that's my area. But that's what I felt it was like. Why tamper with the perfection that is Boilermak? It's a shame, really, that the sponsor is a boiler because if they were going to eventually put a football strip onto the sponsor's mascot, had it been an immersion heater, they wear jackets anyway, don't they?

Oh, yes. So if they'd managed to get an immersion heater sponsor and had immersion heater man, they could have just put a football top on that. Can I say as well, I just feel they've lost the surreal element to Boilerman, which was what we loved about him. It's like the new Mini, you know, or the new Beetle, Volkswagen Beetle.

Don't lose the classic design, the classic simple design that we all love. Oh, cancel that surgery then. You'll get your money back. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Try that. We did actually have an email during the week. I found it on my Friday night trawl. You know I scroll through the Friday night emails.

Oh, yeah. Sometimes go back even to Thursday if I feel like it. Hi. Well, that's the thoroughness that I bring. Do you know what? The man's forensic. Absolutely. Hi, Alan, Emily and Frank. Frank's issue last week with how he could fulfil his promise

to only wear an Ashes T-shirt reminded me of when people were generally outraged that Paddy Ashdown would not eat his hat as promised. Yes. I was one of the people outraged by that. I remember you were. Don't make a promise like that. Are there any other examples where a promise was impossible to uphold?

Seems like simpler times that people were outraged that Paddy Ashdown other examples where a promise was impossible to uphold? Seems like simpler times that people were outraged that Paddy Ashdown for not eating a hat. I remember they brought him a hat cake on question time or something. Which felt like an appalling compromise. Yes. I mean,

collapsible top hat or not? He hadn't been forced into it. He said if we get less votes than that... He said, if we get that many votes or less, I will eat my hat. It was very distinct. I think there were two. I think someone else said they'd eat their hat.

Oh, yes. It's been a phrase. No, well, I believe it's to do with one of the Charleses, is it? I think it was to do with... I'm going to... I'm sorry, this is not interesting radio. Hey. But I believe it is. One of our readers will tell us anyway. What, Eat My Hat?

Yes, I think that's where it stems from. I thought there'd be some sort of goat, goat influence in it. You think so? Yeah. I don't mean greatest of all time. I mean a goat. Oh, right. An actual goat. They're a big hat.

They always eat their straw hats. Yeah. In old black and white movies. Yeah. They love, oh God, they love those. I was thinking, you know these, the part work I was talking about. I was getting a bit obsessed with that part work. Yeah, that's fine.

Why don't they have more practical part works, like build your own combi boiler? Yeah. Wouldn't that be brilliant? I mean, it would put a lot of corgi-registered gas fitters out of work. Well, you know. Always with an eye on the practicalities. It's your pragmatism that I love.

Thank you. Just what that would be. You'd actually have a boiler at the end of it that you'd built yourself. Yeah. Like install your own cannula. I was once in a... Yeah, I trust that.

I was once in a taxi and the guy told me that he did all of his own car servicing and I thought, I feel less comfortable in the vehicle now. Yeah, exactly. Some amateur. Yeah, yeah. They've been tinkering. Yeah, exactly. Some amateur. Yeah, yeah. Been tinkering.

Yeah. We don't like that. Do people still have a prang in their car? Oh, yeah. I haven't heard that word for a long time. Prangs are still going. Oh, people still have a prang. I believe people have adopted the Americanism,

like so often, the fender bender. Oh. Yes. Now, my seven-year-old on the way to school this week said to me, was talking about going to the fair, and casually referred to Cotton Candy. Oh. I mean, what?

Goodness me. What the? Yeah. I hope you corrected him. I did. I'm surprised he's even heard the phrase cotton candy. Oh. Anyway, here we are.

Can't you do Google Dandy? We'd better get used to this. Yeah. Now we're going to become the 51st state. Yeah. Anyone else? Well, we did have, oh, have you shared the Boilerman, Al? No.

Oh, I'll go for it then boiler man is Joe one of our neighbours this from 508 oh

he's a good lad so it's the most crummy thing I've ever yeah I just feel a bit of a sport I don't know if I'm enjoying

this glimpse behind the curtain doesn't get too hot and bothered I can tell you his legs look a bit skinny in those tights though oh I don't know I think they're alright glimpsed behind the curtain. Doesn't get too hot and bothered, I can tell you. His legs look a bit skinny in those tights, though. Oh, I don't know.

I think they're all right. They're not, I mean, I don't see them, you know what I mean? I have a willing suspension of disbelief. Yeah. For me, it's just a boiler. Yeah. By the way, we were talking earlier about, I mentioned that my Cherie are more.

You did. And me and Emily were both saying, when I thought of my Cherie are more, my first thought as Emily's was when I mentioned was the story that I've told on the show before.

Just for those of you who haven't heard, it's a shame not to share. I saw Roger Moore speak at the Cheltenham Literature Festival and he told the story of when the great British film actor David Niven died. It was a close friend of his and they both lived in the south of France at the time. Roger Moore went to his house and his wife, who was obviously in some distress, was outside. There's a lot of photographers and press. And when Roger Moore arrived,

she pointed at him and said, this is the man, it's friends like this, that's what killed David. It's these kind of people that killed David. You know, he was, and Roger Moore said, I was absolutely furious. So I went up to her and said, get inside or I'll kill you.

And it just, as bereavement counselling goes, we just thought it was pretty... But yeah, I cannot separate Roger Moore from that anecdote. It is impossible. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I tell you what, boys, I've been binging this week on parliamentlive.tv. Parliament live TV.

Wrong, my friend. Oh, yeah. It's the best reality show. I've become a bit obsessed. It's like my only where's Essex, parliamentlive.tv. I found myself saying the other day, I thought, oh, just get home. I can squeeze in an hour. And I looked through the catch up and I honestly found myself thinking,

oh, I've seen that Home Affairs Committee one at 10.08. I honestly had seen it before and then I thought, oh, maybe I'll see it again. Was it a good one? It wasn't the best. They've done better work. But also what I like is switching between Lords and Commons. Wow. Because sometimes you fancy a bit of green leather,

sometimes some red leather. You know what that's like, Frank. Certainly true. Yeah. I didn't know there was... Is it like on the match choice on Sky? You can go to one of them. A red button type scenario.

Yeah, I didn't know that. I switch between the houses. There ought to be a green button. Yes. Frank's like that. Frank switches between the houses. He's got one in every city centre he's ever visited. It's a slum landlord.

He's not, by the way. He's a very responsible property owner. As far as we know. Yeah. But I like switching between the two. Oh, as very responsible property owner. As far as we know. Yeah. But I like switching between the two. Oh, as they call it,

the other place. Oh, yes, they do. Which is the thing they also do with public school, with Eton and Harrow. He went to the other place. He went to the other place.

It's the other, they won't name it. I like that. Eton people won't say Harrow and vice versa. I quite like some of these

little traditions. What would be your other place? Merfield High School. I don't think they had a local rival. Maybe Batley Grammar or something. Shall I do mine? The comedy rule suggests I do mine

because then I'm sure Frank's going to deliver. No, I'm not. My other place was a school called South Hampstead High School for Girls. I mean, should we talk about Capital Radio? The other place. That's our other place. Frank, what was your other place, school-wise, by the way? It was the Albury Grammar.

Of course. Which, because we were a tech school, which was for kids who they thought might become like foremen and stuff like that. But Albury Grammar was, you know, it's a grammar school. So I've been switching around. So we had to beat them unmercifully on their way home. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Seems wrong now. At the time it meant Absolute Sense. Totally. I didn't envisage things going in that direction. Absolute sense would be a good channel for Absolute to start, wouldn't it? I couldn't imagine you having a show on Absolute

Sense, Al. Follow the rules of the three-lane motorway system. I would so listen to that. No, but I'll tell you what, maybe not a channel, but what I would like is on the show, instead of an advert, you just have a 30-second when Alan comes on

and just says something which is no-nonsense. Yeah, yeah. No, it's time for more absolute sense with Alan Cochran. Yeah, spend less than you earn. Yeah, exactly. And then you've got just that. And that's what I want, Al. Oh, that would be so right for post-EU Britain.

That's what we need. Yeah, Al, really, you can have that. You're right, that opposite treatment, I look forward to hearing it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, Frank, the cake I've got in front of me. It's absolutely, it's the producer's, Sarah, it's her birthday today. Oh, yeah, she's 16.

And, um... Oh, that's how old they are. There's no, I mean, it doesn't count when they're that age. Is it Wednesday? The birthday. It's a show birthday today or next Saturday. I mean, it doesn't count. Is it Wednesday? The birthday. It's the show birthday today or next Saturday. And Faye, the assistant producer, is that the official title?

Mm-hm. Oh, yeah, she has made a cake in the Bake Off tradition. And, oh, my goodness, it's a cracker. Yeah. Oh, it's creamy. Mm-hm. Yeah. Yeah, really nice. It's the sort of cake you could maybe kill yourself on, just eat the whole cake. Yeah, really nice. Sort of cake you could maybe kill yourself on,

just eat the whole cake. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but let's not do that. The actual birthday is, is it Wednesday? Okay. We're tiptoeing into radio cricket here, aren't we? Where they discuss cake for ages. Do they?

They get sent a lot of cake. Yeah. On the Test Match Special. Don't feel like we should invade their turf for too long. No, certainly not.

They're just busting cake. Oh, you've gone a bit Frank Skinner at the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. No, it's...

Meanwhile, in the House of Commons. Meanwhile, over, do you want to go, do you want to press the red button or the green button?

Well, you're the one who's, you're our political correspondent this week Well that's because I'm so obsessed by it but I noticed, I mean, it won't have escaped your notice even if you weren't quite as obsessed as me

that there were quite a lot of, it was quite a season opener Yeah I have to say, I've been doing gigs this week Local, just local trying out stuff an opener. Yeah. I have to say, I've been doing gigs this week. Have you? Local, just local, trying out stuff, gigs.

And, I say just, in many ways, they are the most important gigs of all. Yeah. But, I have been

racing home to get that on. Yeah. Oh, after the show. Or the highlights, or,

yeah. Oh, what, come over? Yeah, it's, they the show. Or the highlights. Or what come over. Yeah, it's... They also have just the standard highlights, you know, like Match of the Day.

That's what they should do. It'll come. But anyway, there'll never be another period like this when the news has been so electric every day.

New stuff all the time. Oh, man. You know, we heart news on this show. Yeah, we do heart news. Can I say the speaker is coming into his own because this is his moment. That's how much he's loving it.

He's really not living up to his name, though. He's quite a shouter. Well, what I like is he also, he's dispensed with the traditional, there used to be a bit of a Buckle My Shoe vibe going on, didn't there, with the official costume of the speaker. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's gone more for the Foxton's area manager, who's trying to just, you know. The colourful tie.

He's showing that they're not stuffy. No, exactly. Estate agents. I love that people think a colourful tie, well, that will show that their character is zany. But you've pointed this out before, Frank, many times, that he doesn't... I mean, it's not even in the same postcode as the word order when he really gets going. When he's really angry, it's, Odda! Odda! Odda!

Well, that was the Scottish one, previous. Odda! Odda! No, Berko's doing it now. But what I like is when they have the I's and the N's and then he goes

division division I love that it's like being taught maths by Brian bless it I wish that the man who did the football

results would do would say do the Premier League and then and now division one and then and now division won

and then do that as a result well he did it this week especially if somebody had won a game using seven he could do all

he could do all the voices he got upset because Boris Johnson he didn't mind him swearing he didn't mind the chlorinated chicken

remark to Jeremy Corbyn but what he he didn't mind him swearing. He didn't mind the chlorinated chicken remark to Jeremy Corbyn. But what he didn't mind, Big Girls Blouse, you don't name people in the chamber. No, it's a weird old thing that the worst thing you can say to someone is their name. I've never noticed in all those years that they speak about my honourable friend and the person opposite and the Member of Parliament. They never name them.

I'd never noticed, but since my binging on parliamentlive.tv, my right honourable friend is only someone in your party. Yeah. So the honourable gentleman, or when they give them the full, the honourable member for Clapham North, etc. That's a bit of an insult well the speaker does this thing doesn't he

when he says well perhaps the member for Oswestry thinks it's alright to stand up and stamp his fear well it certainly is and I'm sure he knows

he's a perfectly friendly chap most of the time it's really the weirdest of the planet. It's really the weirdest other planet. The other place. It is. The planet posh. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We were talking about, well, if you're in the House of Commons, obviously the other place. The Red Chamber. In The Lords, what I enjoy about watching The Lords is when someone's obviously been there for some time but hasn't quite mustered up the courage to speak yet, and they think, this is my big moment.

Alan Cochran just compared it to, what did you say, the panellist? Someone on the first of Iwant News for you, just compared it to what did you say, how was the panellist? Someone on their first of I O'Neill's for you watching it all take place That's a very good point, that's exactly what it's like There was a bloke, I can't remember what it was, he was in the House of Commons for like 30 years and he only ever spoke once and it was to ask to have

a window opened On the protocol of not using people's names, I do think perhaps it might be the era to change that because we've got two leaders who have got great nicknames for being used. Bojo and Jezza. Like, if they're going to allow it at any time,

much better than... I wouldn't like them to go to Bojo and Jezza, though. And start with a fist bump and maybe a high five let's fight that but also what about Defeffel

I mean there's not nearly enough use of Defeffel which is Boris's middle name yeah imagine that was your middle name his actual name isn't it

is Alexander his name's not Boris it's Alexander Boris Defeffel from the German De Feffel. De Feffel? Because... Sounds like you're at a German cocktail party

and they're passing around the snacks. De Feffel? There's been a lot of middle names knocking around. Robert Gabriel Mugabe, he was in the news. I didn't know that. Gone but not forgotten. Wow. Jacob Rees-Mogg his wife's maiden name

is Ditcher is that right? yeah which I know I know I know what it sounds like yeah

Ditcher though he must have yeah sit on yeah exactly he must have sat on Ditcher a good time yeah

but I think posh names. They're an absolute voyage of discovery. They really are brilliant. I mean, that bloke, he was Norman St John Stevers. He was always called Norman St John Stevers. Well, that's a posh thing, isn't it? But Ian St John... They do it to trick you.

Ian St John, who played for Liverpool, was never called Ian St John. No. Funny that. Yeah. No, posh people trick you with names, don't they? But they never get... Surely, if you're going to go for...

You're probably following St John the Baptist as the original. Yeah. You're never called St John the Baptist, ever. Not to my knowledge. Well, it's like Chumley, isn't it? Chumley? Yeah, which is spelt Chumley. Oh, is it? Chumley? Yeah, which is spelt Chumley. Oh, is it?

You... Oh! On the posh front, I noticed someone describing Boris Johnson as the Bullingdon boy prime minister. Now, he was a Bullingdon boy. How long ago? Yeah, a long time ago.

I was thinking, that's like calling me the Wings fan club comedian we've had an email we were discussing Roger Moore get inside or I'll kill you to Frank and the Saturday assemblage

did you know that Roger Moore came from Streatham in London but it wasn't posh enough so he used to pronounce it as St. Reetham? No. I don't know if that's true. That can't be true, Kelly.

Yes, I think I've heard that before. I've heard St. Reetham. I lived near Streatham for a while and people say that like jokingly but I didn't know that it was Roger Moore's thing in my bob. Did you know that Roger Moore is the sign over the door when you enter Strictly Come Dancing studio? Oh dear.

Can I ask, what would this be, etymology is it, the origin of words? The origin. There was a point where Boris Johnson, the Prime Minister, seemed to mouth to Jeremy Corbyn, the leader of the opposition, you great big girl's blouse. And this has been picked on whether it was, you know, I don't know, whether it was misogynistic or homophobic or whatever. But anyway, it's a phrase I first heard and I don't know if it originated there.

But in the 70s, there was a popular sitcom called Nearest and Dearest, which starred Hilda Baker and Jimmy Jewell as a brother and sister who had inherited their father's pickles factory in Lancashire. It happens. It's a proper working class sitcom like you only used to get then really. And she used to call him a big girl's blouse, not great big. Great big girl's blouse spoils the rhythm of it, I think. Droppped the great. Oh, so was she responsible for the... Was she the originator? I'd never heard it before. So that was a regular thing that she would call her brother in it

whenever he showed a lack of resolve. Yeah. And he would call her, I believe, a knock-kid-hole cart horse. Right. And those were the two catchphrases. Every sitcom then had a catchphrase or two. There was also an incontinent elderly uncle called Walter. This is from Broadcastable.

Yeah. And she used to go, Have you been, Walter? Walter, have you been? I wish he'd use that. That would be great. But I think that that might have been the origin of Big Girls Blouse. Do you think so?

Yeah, I'd never heard it before. That's relatively recent, though. People will let us know. You see, I'm happy with that phrase. I don't mind it. Some people said they thought it was potentially a bit sexist or something, but I think Jezza missed a bit of a trick there because he should have just come back with...

I think the male equivalent would be all mouth and no trousers, I would say. You don't hear that one very often. Well, exactly. Also, I think Jeremy has decided that he's not going to join in with that. Because when he was called a chlorinated chicken, he didn't come back with anything. Why are chickens invoked for cowardliness? What is it in there?

They do scamper if you go into a pen. I thought you were going to say KFC. You don't go for people. I don't know the last time you entered a coop. I haven't entered a coop or a coo in many a year. They're very, are they timid creatures? I think they do all run away. They get linked to cowardliness and headlessness.

They're the two sort of... It's not fair, they must have some... Someone needs to doliness and headlessness. They're the two sort of... Oh, it's not fair. They must have some... Someone needs to do their PR. No. Because they... I mean, when have you heard people say as brave as a chicken, as beautiful as a chicken? No, never.

Never say that. But the chlorinated chicken, which is... I like that that had got a good rhythm for an insult, chlorinated chicken. And also it's based on the fact you know that if we trade with america we'll have to start eating chickens that have been cleaned with this sort of chlorine type formula to get there which i i how they get the claw i i imagine them using the the chickens at the pool as floats you know you can imagine if you held the two legs...

This is exactly one of the advantages that the Brexiteers keep mentioning. In a post-Brexit world, you can swim and eat chicken. You can learn to swim and then eat it at the end. Imagine people going up and down the pool with chickens held out front. It also, for some reason, I once met a bloke called,

I interviewed him for a documentary. I was in Memphis, he was called Jimmy D, this bloke. Oh, yes. And he knew Elvis when Elvis was a boy. Wow. He didn't like Elvis, so he used to call him the baby. Right. And Jimmy Danson described Elvis.

That's a weird insult. I know. And he described him to... He said he was a truck-jumping, drug-taking, infantile idiot. Just like his grandmother. That's what he said to me.

I mean, imagine if Jimmy D was in the House of Commons. The Speaker would have his work cut out. Frank's Case Ginnis on Absolute Radio. One thing I will say about this week's news with the to-ing and fro-ing is that I've got a new word entered my vocabulary lexicon.

Oh, yeah. And that is prorogue. Yeah. Never knew prorogue. No, I didn't. I haven't felt this excited since Metatarsal. But don't you find when you learn the new word, I'm very proud,

I have to sort of say it as if I knew it for years and I overuse it as well. I, of course, I have to start messing about with it. I think a lot of the British actresses of the 1950s and 60s were pro-rogue. Yes. Stayed all the way out with gangsters. You can see why it appealed to Boris,

whose career is somewhat based on being a charming rogue, it seems. Indeed. Did you... I noted with interest that... Well, I mean obsessed. Noted with interest slash obsessed by what's been banned since I saw the language that was disallowed, like the name. You can't also say the word stall pigeon or swine or git. No, you can't say git.

Sorry about that, Frank. May as well tape my mouth up there, three of my big users. Also, there goes Frank's chances of standing. Yeah. No, it gets allowed, Frank. By the way, I may have confused people earlier when I said I was a member of the Wings fan club. Oh, yes.

Wings were the sort of, in case our younger listeners, I guess both of you, Wings were the spin-off band from The Beatles, which Paul McCartney took, and I was a card-carrying member of that fan club. Very underrated. Yeah, I think so. I was in other fan clubs as well,

but not ones I'm really going to mention on the radio show, but I will say that it turns out that all that glitters is not gold. Yeah, who were you? Who were your fan club? Tufty. Oh yeah, Tufty. Was that a fan club? It was a fan club, wasn't it? It was a road safety club. Yeah, yeah. And our patron was a squirrel.

Yeah, I remember Tufty used to cross the road and show children how to do it. I don't know, anyone who's ever noticed him on a roadkill on motorways wouldn't necessarily go to a native rodent. No, we had some issues with our ambassador, I grant you. Exactly.

I worked with the Green Cross man. Dave Prowse? Yeah, I worked with him in full uniform. Hang on, was this pre-Darth Vader? No, it was post-Darth Vader, but he still had the Green Cross man out. That's what they call

a side hustle these days. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he never, he kept that going. He kept that, like, spinning Green Cross man. I love that.

I think that was a useful thing to do. It was a bit like, who was the X Factor presenter? Kate Thornton. And even when she was presenting the X Factor, she never gave up her journalism. She'd pop up in the Sunday Times offices and do a column or two.

That's good, isn't it? Because I think she'd have something to fall back on. What about her chocolate cabin? Is that still going? Thornton's chocolate cabin. Oh, I see. I'm not familiar with that. I thought you'd forgotten they were on the radio.

They are the Chocolatiers par excellence, Thornton's. What about, what did you make this week of the reclining Jacob Rees-Mogg? Well, I have mixed feelings because I am posture-policed domestically in my house. Yeah, well, you're a man of good posture. I'm one of those dads that shouts at the kids, sit up, turn your tummy muscles on. Yeah. And I occasionally shout.

I love that. And this is something that I... I have to play this out, I'm sorry. It's one of those moments when Al, the He-Man... Well, occasionally... I'm going to give this out as a civic duty. I also have been known to shout at both of my children and occasionally other kids that are visiting.

Shoulder poison! What's that? Somebody told me in a class once that ears are shoulder poison. If your ears are near your shoulders, that's shoulder poison. So you have to... All you really need to do

is try and keep that gap. Frank, we both did it and we looked about 17% better. Did we? Ears are shoulder poison. I looked about 27% better. There's people around the nation now just straightened up

and looking a lot better. Frank, let's see you do it. Yeah, but what about Gladstone Small? I wish you'd just think about people in general. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So ears are

shoulder poison. Just try and keep them. I'm going to remember that. What I'm going to do is get some hypodermic syringe earrings made with poison in them. That'd be a great idea. So I actually keep my shoulders down. So yeah, I'm a bit of a slouching, please.

See, that could be absolute sense. That could be one of Alan's... What's the actual phrase then, Al? But if you want to make it succinct... Ears are shoulder poison, but I also just sometimes shout poison because my kids are so used to me saying it that it's now become shorthand around... You know, like Rag and Bone Men,

and it doesn't sound like Rag and Bone... Or Order from the Speaker of the House. Do you think Alan's shtick should be that it shouldn't be any longer than four... It's four words or less. That's strict. Let's not set two. This could go on for years. Five item. Sometimes borders

make us better. You're right. Positive constraints. That would be a good Brexit agreement. Sometimes borders make us better. Be a good thing for the backstop So I do have mixed feelings about it

Because I am the slouching police at home However, I did look at that And it became a meme and everybody was joking about it My main thing was I got real envy Of how comfortable he looked in pinstripe suit Because I always feel like i walk a bit taller and a bit boxier in a suit yes and he genuinely looked like he was comfortable enough to do a long haul flight well i wasn't about that he looked very at ease it's that thing where you

imagine there was a pinstripe baby grow amazing at some point i wondered if he was just, after all these years, finally weighed down by his lapels. And was just, help me. Someone help me, please. People just thought he was lounging. You know when you see those blokes doing what they call bench presses? Yeah. It'd be like that, when you realise you can't hold it anymore they were calling it

on the internet accidental renaissance weren't they oh nice because he looked like it was very Rubens it was very he looked like nude portraits

death of Marat death of Marat he looked like do you know he's 12 years younger than me is he not in spirit well I know this Right. Do you know he's 12 years younger than me? Is he? Not in spirit.

Well, I know this because, as you may recall, I met him when I was a young woman. Oh, did you? I didn't recall that. Where? When? He was at university with a friend of mine, and I was doing an interview for that university, so she said, we're going to meet my friend Jacob. So he was in, I think he was in his last year, and I was doing an interview for that university so she said we're going to meet my friend Jacob so he was in I think he was in his last year and I was coming to look at it

and um what did he study do you know I can't remember I'm sure there was Greek involved I'm sure there was some classics I don't think it was hotel management put it that way I think it might have been PPE. I think he did BTEC leisure. Now, go on, so you met him. And she said, we're going to see Jacob. Now, I was looking around universities, but I imagined most student accommodation to be largely the same, which was a mattress, maybe a bit dirty,

back in those days an ashtray, I'm afraid. Yeah. Angle poised lamp, cork board. You get it, boys. You've seen them. Lava lamp. You've got it out. Lava lamp.

You've seen a lot. We've both seen a lot. We knocked on the door and it was a baronial hall. I've never seen anything like it. There was oak panelling everywhere. He had classical music playing. Oh, wow. And I never forgot something,

which is what I saw on those House of Commons front benches. First thing I saw was these long, twig-like, posh legs crossed. Ah. Crossed as he sat working, obviously. And my friend introduced me. She said, this is my friend Emily. He sort of looked at me. He didn't say very much.

Was there no student sort of signs at all of him being... No, there were old books. There was some antique books. There was a traffic cone, but it was on a medieval suit of armour. He said at one point... I know we've got to break it down, but my friend introduced me and she said, this is Emily.

And he sort of looked me over, didn't say much. And she said, Emily's planning on reading English here. And he said, he just turned around in this chair and he said, what were your A-level results?

I said... How old was he at this point? 19, 20. I said, I was shaking. I said, I got two A's and a B. And he looked at me and he said, I was shaking, I said, I got two A's and a B. And he looked at me and he said, I sincerely hope the B wasn't in English.

And I said, no, it wasn't, it wasn't. He said, okay. It sounds all right. Makes a good point. It wasn't. Can I just say the B wasn't in English, okay? No, no, we never thought that for a second. And he went back to his books. Yeah, and I bet they were like dusty old leather-bound tomes

rather than swishy paperbacks. There was a lot of Chaucer. He lives... It's like when I went backstage to Darren Brown and he was sitting in a chair with opera playing and he was silhouetted against the window, I mean it was absolutely amazing Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

One redeeming feature about whatever you may think of Jacob Rees-Mogg, whether you be pro or anti Or as I call him But whatever you may think of Jacob Rees-Mogg, whether you be pro or anti... Or as I call him... HE SINGS You should put that music on when you discuss him, really,

or some classic. Oh, yeah, I don't have any classic stuff on my fingertips. But he did what I think is the funniest joke ever done by a politician. What was that? I know that's not a tough call. But he did do one joke, and it was like an Instagram post, which I thought was, I really properly laughed out loud at it. Are you familiar with what I'm talking about?

I don't know. Do you know his son? He's got a son about, I think he's about 11 or 12, who looks exactly like Jacob and dresses like Jacob. He's got the glasses and everything. There's a picture that he posted, and it's the two of them standing together, both with big vote Conservative rosettes.

They look like identical, like mini-me, John. And they're standing outside a tattoo parlour and piercing place. And there's two posters on the window of this tattoo parlour that say Vote Labour. And it's got a picture of the two of them in their rosettes standing outside this, tattoos and piercing. And the caption he's put is, we shall have to take our business elsewhere. Now that, whatever you think of him, is a brilliant joke.

And also a recognition of what they look like and how inappropriate they are. Oh, man, I love it. It's a fine joke. He deserved a lie down after that joke. We'll have to take out. Oh, Jacob. Result.

Oh, dear. He did, that pose he was in though, it's sort of, well, there's that pose and then there's the pose I mentioned earlier, which I saw him in

when I met him, which is the posh man with the twig legs, sort of when they're crossed over each other. Yeah. I don't mean to body shame. No. You know, he's a slim man. But it is posh men always have those spindly legs

crossed over each other. And often one arm dangled languorously across the... Well, when I... Obviously, I grew up reading a lot of football books and the early winners of the FA Cup were often teams like Old Etonians and Old Carthusians. And when you see the team

shots of them, there are players sitting in the normal and there's always blokes just sort of lying on the floor and they fell out of a helicopter. I think it's just like a posh thing. It's confidence. Isn't that what it's all about? Supreme confidence.

If I was sitting in the House of Commons, I'd be so edgy. I'd be sitting, you know, it'd be poison. I'd be absolutely sitting there. But they're at home everywhere, though. I mean, I must admit, I do envy it. When I first started going to posh restaurants But they're at home everywhere, though. I mean, I must admit, I do envy it. Yeah? When I first started going to posh restaurants down in London,

wherever I was with, I would let them go in first because they used to be a little bit uneasy. I didn't feel I had the right. You've got the right, Frank. But your public school guys, they're just marching. Yeah. I do kind of... No, no, I gravitate towards the northerners.

Yeah, well, depends. Isn't that Tuesdays and Wednesdays? Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We've heard from the outside world on some of the several topics that we've got spinning. Oh, well, that's here. 207 has texted, re-chlorinated chicken.

I was watching the news last week when the subject of said chlorinated chickens was mentioned in the Brexit context. What else? My wife, who was in the room but had lost interest, started ranting about Boris and saying, thanks to that clown, we'll all be eating coronation chicken,

and I hate that. Maybe if he was insulting the Queen about not handing over the throne to Charles, he would say there's only one coronation chicken in this house. That'd be lovely. You know what I don't like is the fact that they've started calling the group the Rebel Alliance. I quite like the Star Wars.

Of course you do. Of course you do. It's your world's colliding. I like the Rebel Alliance. I don't really like when politics starts nicking pop culture because I want them to be sort of dusty. I like it when they're called stuff like the 1922 Committee or the Fabian Society. Yes, I know what you mean. I do like the traditions. I like the weird old... I like the rules like you must not wear a suit of armour into the House of Commons.

Yeah, but the Rebel Alliance better get some money together if they're going to build their own X-Wings. You're right. 990 quid. Especially for Boris. What, um... Oh, we had an email we wanted to share.

Why's it gone all quiet? I don't know, because you... I thought you were going to read it. I thought you were going to tell us it. So this is from Prisoner855. Dear friends, in reference to elaborate joke playing

from a couple of weeks back... Oh, yeah, now where did this come from? Someone did a very... I back. Oh, yeah. Now, where did this come from? Someone did a very... It was... I think it was... Was it Gary Shandling walking past someone in a T-shirt that had that person's... Oh, it was Jonathan Ross, of course.

Oh, yes, of course. Did posters especially made to fool Emily. That's right. We went to Gary Shandling. And then I sang the praises of people who go the extra mile for a magical joke. So Prisoner 855 continues, I'm reminded of a joke played at a friend's workplace.

This chap came into work quite upset. His boss asked the matter and it turned out he was reading The Shining and was rather freaked out. Wow. Scary book. Have you read it? Oh, is it? Yeah, and was rather freaked out. Wow. Scary book. Have you read it? Oh, is it?

Yeah, it's scary. This continued... Sorry, you sounded so like two blokes in the pub. Well, we are on one level. I know, but when you say I read The Shining... If left alone, Frank and I can sound like two guys in a Wetherspoon. That's part of the problem. It's when Frank says...

That's why you're here. Thank God for me. What's the scariest book you've ever read, Al? It would be a Stephen King. I don't know if it is The Shining. But yeah, he's good at that. I'll put my hand up. I'm putting this in the context of the time.

I started reading James Herbert novels. Oh, yeah. I don't know, novels. There was The Rats, I think. Remember I told you I met him and I said I couldn't finish I couldn't finish The Fog because it was too scary

When I said I couldn't finish he went, oh When I said it was too scary he went, oh, that's alright What about you, Frank? Scariest book? The Road, Cormac McCarthy That's on my possible next

in my next few See, that was like this bloke there, is that the book, it used to really upset me when I read it, but it's so good I had to finish it. So I used to, towards the end, I started reading it only in daylight. Anyway, back to The Shining. Okay.

Meanwhile, over at The Shining, this continued for a few days. This is the chap reading The Shining and being, you know, freaked out. This continued for a few days, whereupon the chap mentioned he couldn't sleep in the same room as the book, but was determined to finish it.

Shall we leave it there on a cliffhanger? OK. What is the practical joke going to be? Stay tuned. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. We've just had a text

from 715. Hi team, just purchased The Road on Frank's recommendation. Wow. Not sure why. I hate scary books, that is all.

But there's more to it than that. Yeah. I mean, but it is, as dystopian novels go, it's bleak. Well, I mean... Enjoy. Anyway. Can that person let me know what they thought of it when they finished it, please?

Well, I'm saying, yeah, on their behalf. Okay. So we'd left our readers on something of a cliffhanger. Do you want to briefly sum up Frank? Yes. He worked with a guy who was reading The Shining and was so frightened it was freaking him out. But at the same time, he was loving it so much.

Just like me with The Road. He couldn't not read it. Yeah. And his boss had asked him if he was loving it so much. Just like me with The Road. He couldn't not read it. Yeah, and his boss had asked him if he was okay because he was concerned about him, so outward were these signs. The next day he came in to say he was so scared that he'd resolved

to throw the book into the sea. He lived in Brighton. So easily done. The boss promptly purchased an exact replica copy of the book, soaked it overnight and left the copy of The Shining in the desk drawer of the chap to be found the following morning. Excellent. Prisoner 855.

I love it. Do you know it? Absolutely. The effort that's gone to, but also, imagine. Just those... Could be a minute, could be as much as a minute or two minutes before the bloke thinks, hold on a minute. No offence, Frank, but given that your idea of a practical joke is saying, help, the toilet's broken.

Yes. I've done a few of those. My car's been stolen. Yeah. No, they're all just about technology. My most impactful was that I'd said yes to co-hosting a show with Gok Wan, in which I wore avant-garde outfits,

walked around northern towns and cities and asked people for their opinions and it was called i think it was called why are you wearing that my partner having told her i'd said yes said well we need to we need to split up you're not the person i thought you were so that was yeah yeah i don't know if you said that went well or it went bad. Really well, really well. Is there any other outside world news before I wrap up this crazy old extravaganza? 373 has said,

Sorry, Frank, I seem to remember it was called Wings Fun Club rather than Wings Fan Club and the newsletter Club Sandwich. And they say, yes, very underrated. Thanks, Tony Sharp. Oh, I don't remember either of those facts. I can't confirm the veracity of that. And Roger Cook, no, not him,

says, morning all, the surname felt, spelt, I said felt, the surname spelt Featherstone Hall is pronounced Fanshawe. Yes, keep up the good work, Simon. I wonder if Simon Fanshawe is really Featherstone Hall. Oh, maybe. Maybe Simon Fanshawe was the man who read In the Shining. He lives in Brighton.

It's quite a leap. It is a leap. I'll give you that. But if it works, it'll be a Darren Brown moment all of my own. Yeah. So, look, can I say before we go, by the way, that on Sunday the 24th of November, Absolute Radio is live at the London Palladium, in a way.

It's a night of comedy. And you can get tickets for this now. 24th of November, I'm hosting it. There is some... Well, it's packed with brilliant comics. I won't list them all, but... I'm doing backstage interviews, thank you. Oh, we are fantastic.

Anyway, it also raises money. Also, the main reason is also raises money also the main reason is it raises money for stand up to cancer so you can buy your tickets from

the absolute radio web website and oh I've worked so hard it was that

all bossed I suppose so look thank you so much for listening to our show. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out! This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.