The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Afternoon

Episode Date: June 24, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the team discuss goalie bags, the retirement of Daniel Day Lewis and Frank announces his idea for a new series.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Now, this is Frank Skinner with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Hey, text the show on 8 12 15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Morning, Frank. Morning. Thanks to Daniel Perry for his work this morning.

That's what they always do on proper radio, I think, the previous... On proper radio? Yeah. I have heard some proper radio. I think we saw inducted into the Radio Hall of Fame or what was it called? It was the Radio Hall of Fame. It was in Birmingham, but it was the Radio Hall of Fame.

And we saw that, and you're claiming that you do improper radio. No, I'm not claiming that. I mean, like, proper radio. I mean, radio that's not that great. Commercial. I mean, that's what I mean. Right.

Yeah, I'm not including absolute in that. No. I was listening to Danielle this morning, and she called somebody a dude. Oh, yeah? Now, you see, I don't think I can carry that off. Well, try it. Try it.

She doesn't have two people picking her up on everything like that. So if I... If I unironic... This has been unironic. Yeah. I mean, I couldn't hear the fingers doing the inverted commas,

you know, in the air around the mic. I mean, that's basically what I would eat you alive if you did that. You would. Absolutely. Yeah, I'd be lost. That is what we're booked for.

It is, yeah. Do you remember when that referee dropped his cards and Paul Gascoigne came up and gave him a yellow card? Was it a yellow or a red? Yes. We're basically like that to you, aren't we? We just run around. He booked Paul Gascoigne for that.

Yes, he did. I'm not saying that you can't lash out in that referee style. You've made life difficult for yourself. You could have just employed some yes-men who'd laughed at you all the time. I find yes-men are much harder to find than they used to be. Keep looking. It's true, though. I mean, honestly, they used to be all over the place, yes-men.

It's one of the... In fact, I think yes-men... Yes-men. It's one of the... In fact, I think... What happened? Yes, man. Oh, I love that. Yeah, there'll be people in there sending the names of band members of Yes. Oh, good. No, I'm not having it.

Not having it. You're not having it. He's not having it. Anyway, look, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by it last week, we ended the show, we started an email from a reader and we mistimed the whole damn thing, let's face it. So we said that we'd carry over to this week. So we're going to start the show with an email. I don't know, what next?

I'll reread it to bring people up to speed. Yeah, go for it. A week-long cliffhanger. It seems too much to ask them to have memorised it. I think the week-long cliffhanger is certainly a television tradition. Definitely. But carry on. Hi, Frank and team.

A football slash fashion accessory, whatever happened to? The little banks. You were waiting for the jingle. I was, yeah, yeah fashion accessory, whatever happened to? The little bag... You were waiting for the jingle. I was, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I let you down. I love the pause then. The little bag goalkeepers used to carry onto the pitch. In the golden era of English keepers in the 80s,

they would all carry out a little bag containing spare gloves, a cap, chewing gum, and would be placed in the back of the net. We don't know what was in the gum in this little bag. Well, I have a theory about it. Some of them came out. Some of us did. But there could be still... I think you carried out a thorough investigation.

Oh, yeah. I've seen a few in my time. Yes, carry on. Well, I think they were goalie gloves bags. I think they were actually quite a flat bag. No, but I have seen caps and chewing gum come out of this. Is it a man or a lady? I don't know.

Five years old? Is it a man or a lady? I think I'm so used to referring to women as ladies when I'm talking to my son. Let this lady come past. But I've gone back completely into lady mode. I'm not sure. I like it. That's my short answer.

Is that the end of the email? No, they then give you some praise. Oh, no, leave that. But who's it from? I don't know. Oh, well, I mean... There is no name on the end of it. This is very true.

I mean, it's a good one, though. It is. Because it used to be an ever-present, the goalies bag. I can't think of one now. I think they had a side wall that was only like an inch, like it would fit in gloves. I'm very surprised that it could sneak in a cap as well. No, I'm sure there was, I think there was all sorts.

Muffler. Muffler for goal games. Well, we did have a tweet. Could you play in a scarf? Would that be allowed? I would love that. Because they wear gloves. I think they wear a snood sometimes now.

Like a Nick Kershaw snood. Yeah. I would love that. We had wear gloves. I think they wear a snood sometimes now. Like a Nick Kershaw snood. Yeah. I would love that. We had a tweet in relation to it. Read goalkeeper bags. What about players wearing proper McEnroe-style headbands, a la Steve Foster? Yeah.

That used to be done, I think, partly to sort of distinguish themselves from the other players on the pitch. Oh, OK. But the goal is back. Oh, no. The Fez has arrived. The producer puts a small red fez at my side, which means

shut up. So we still haven't got round to the goal is back, but we will. Because I think it's the centrepiece of the show in which the whole thing is built. It is the stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone. Absolute Radio Frank Skinstone. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So the goal is back. I think it comes from a time when goalies were, they were a bit more outsiders in the team. Oh, OK, yeah. Definitely. And I think the goal, the actual goal was sort of like, it was

like temporary accommodation. It was like a halfway house for the goalkeeper. There was always rumours that they were mad. Everyone said they know the other one. And it was like a little lean-to that they lived in for a short period. It was like his little shed. Yeah, it was

their place. It was like a shed. I'm surprised they didn't have stools to sit on during lols. Because there's a whole sense of that. It's like their little world. Literally, the goal is, you know, their area. Yes. Well, that's why the bag was some sort of...

Part of it was having your stuff with you. Yes. Territorial spraying, if I'm allowed to say that. I mean, they were different. They were. This is explored in the novel Goalkeepers Are Different by Michael Hardcastle, which I read when I was at school. I think it's aimed at adolescent boys predominantly.

Was it as good or better than Skinhead Escapes, which was one of Frank's favourites? I don't remember Skinhead Escapes. That, of course, was the sequel than Skinhead Escapes, which was one of Frank's favourites. I don't remember Skinhead Escapes, but I know us. That, of course, was the sequel to Skinhead. And preceded Suedehead. And Boot Boys. Oh, they all sound good. A whole string of those.

As you know, I read a lot of Judy Blume as a young man. When I was reading Are You There, God, It's Me, Margaret. Yeah, awesome. Yeah, I didn't read a book until I was 21 as I was telling you last week a book without pictures you've caught up now haven't you oh god that's me Mr Catch-Up but goalkeepers were different

even like when I was at school I remember they seemed so different because they had long sleeves all football shirts were short sleeved and goalies were there with their long sleeves well I don't know that that is technically true.

No, it wasn't. I remember Dennis Law used to pull his elbow for his hands, but never mind. No, in professional football. I know a lot of footballers had curly hair, but I felt they could have more freedom with their hair, the goalkeeper. I didn't feel, because they weren't in the thick of it. I remember, I can think

of a few curly, Peter Shelton was curly, wasn't he? Was Ray Clements curly? I believe you might have. No, I didn't feel, because they weren't in the thick of it. I remember, I can think of a few Curley. Peter Shelton was Curley, wasn't he? Was Ray Clements Curley? I believe you might have heard of him. No, he wasn't Curley. Oh, he's ruined my theory. Do you remember when Neville Southall stayed in the goals at half-time? So he didn't go for his half-time chat.

He just, I mean, then he really, he had a sort of a, he looks like a man who shouldn't have had a bag wig, Lofty. He looks like a man who should have had, like, 18 carrier bags in the back of the car. Dave Besson, was he curly? He was curly. OK, thank you. Yes, he was. Oh, I'll say.

Oh, we've had a message about Ray Clements. Ray Clements used to love the goalie cap, and I believe it was pre-stand development at Anfield where the sun would frequently blight the goalkeeper's eyesight. Here's another thing. Back then, people in society didn't really wear baseball caps, did they? The idea of wearing

a hat whilst playing football, I remember it thinking, what's happened here? Who wears a hat during a sport? It was quite a big deal, but I bet they loved that moment when they went in the bag for their cap. Really odd. Those moments that change in a football match. Like I once saw a game at West Brom at Port Vale

and suddenly, very unexpectedly, a snowstorm, I mean a really big snowstorm happened kind of like that and the Albion fans instantly started going, orange ball, orange ball, orange ball, knowing it was imminent. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've been discussing those little bags that goalkeepers carried on

and 934 has texted, Dear Frank, Em and Alan, our goalkeeper in our pub team keeps his cigarettes and matches in his bag. Really? Yeah. That's lovely. I wonder if they're partaking off during the game or if it's just the half-time delicacy that he's going for.

Well, when I used to... That's like the old comedians take your wallet on stage with you, doesn't it? Dushing out in the dressing room. Good point. Yeah. When I used to collect autographs at the Spring Road

training ground with the West Brom players in the 60s and 70s every one of them had a 20 embassy in the gold packet every one of them

used to often stuck up one t-shirt sleeve do you remember that tradition excellent I loved that tradition. Yeah.

I got it wrong with the curly hair because Ian Walker, I mean, I've never seen a man with such straight hair in my life. Oh, he was the king of the curtains. Oh, really? The king of the curtains. And what was his wife's catchphrase?

Hiya. Yes. Because she had a show called Hiya with Susie Walker. Was it a feature on this morning? No, it was her own show called Hiya with Susie Walker. Was it a feature on this morning? No, it was her own show called Hiya with Susie Walker. Yeah, lovely. So, oh yes, this morning's texting.

Are men ever described as bobbly? 8, 12, 15. I've never heard a man described as bobbly. Well, are women ever described as flamboyant? I would say no. Are they not? Well, I think flamboyant was oftentimes used as a euphemism. Oh, yes.

And you couldn't say someone was gay? I worry a bit about bobbly, but we can discuss this as the morning goes on. OK. I think I've been described as bobbly once in my life. I worry a bit about bobbly. That was the 80s. No, it was by a gastroenterologist.

So that's fair enough. I was talking about Neville Southall, the former Everton goalkeeper, who kind of recommended his autobiography, The Bin Man Chronicles. I would like to read that. It is very fine. He was, I think, he was the originator of the T-shirt

with the message on underneath the normal football shirt. Oh, was he? You think he invented it? Was he an early adopter? I love stuff that people invented. You know Roger Moore claims that he invented the Magnum? Oh, the ice cream? Yeah, yeah.

Really? How did he invent that? But that's just a choc-ice on a stick. Well, that's what he said. He's some sort of Margaret Thatcher chemist. Apparently he met somebody from the ice cream world and he says, I'd really like a choc-ice but as a lolly

because they melt all over my hands. Roger Moore used the word lolly. I'd like a choc-ice as a lolly. He does all the voices. But I love that he feels the need to boast about that when he's James Bond. I know, exactly. It's probably at the time of the Dirty Harry films that he thought he wanted to get part of the Magnum action.

Frank, it's like when Chris Jagger, Mick Jagger's brother, said to me, yeah, we get a lot of celebrities living around here. Michelle Collins. Your brother, Mick Jagger's brother, said to me, yeah, we get a lot of celebrities living around here. Michelle Collins. Your brother's Mick Jagger. But you think Neville Southall came up with the T-shirt caption? Yeah. Brilliant. And he is.

If found, please research the pub. I think you can guess some of the background to this particular T-shirt, which we won't go into on Breakfast Radio but his t-shirt message was I love my wife. Skinner, Dean and Cochran

together the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I tell you what I did this is another football we don't talk about football much on the show so I'm enjoying this bit well I like that we talk about it in a Neville Southall

I love my wife t-shirt way on the show well yeah well this is a sort of a whatever happens to you because it's something I did I had this is a while back now but it just this has reminded me of it for some I did. I had, this is a while back now, but this has reminded me of it for some,

I had need of a funnel. Oh. Now, I don't know about you, I'll tell you what, I was putting a cup of tea into a plastic drink bottle. Were you? The car had come, I'd just poured a cup of tea and I really fancied it,

so I put it into a plastic drink bottle. Tory MP with an excuse. I was putting a cup of tea and I really fancied it, so I put it into a plastic drink bottle. Tory MP with an excuse. I was putting a cup of tea on the set. It's not that big a scandal. It depends where it was, the funnel. Bottle of tea. And I don't know about you, but I don't keep a funnel. No. There's one under the sink, but I don't keep a funnel. No.

There's one under the sink, but you wouldn't want to put tea. It's been used for, you know... I've got a travel funnel, but I always forget to take it. Travel funnel? Yeah, yeah. Does that fold out into a funnel? Flat pack's really good, but I never remember it. So I used a Vuvuzela.

Did you? Yeah. So I used a Vuvuzela, which I bought and brought back from the World Cup in South Africa. And they were so mocked at the time, but now... The heat still... I don't know if you remember... The noise. But FIFA banned them almost, or certainly the Premier League and that, banned them almost immediately after the World Cup. So I was left with one on my hands. So it was just standing on a shelf on its broad end.

He finds a use for everything. Yeah. Reduce, reuse, recycle. It's his approach to everything. I have use for everything. Yeah. Reduce, reuse, recycle. It's his approach to everything, and I have respect for it. And then I went to a fancy dress party as a unicorn. Perfect. No, I didn't. I made that up.

Yeah, I went as Jean-Paul Gaultier in Madonna. Yeah, so another phone in 8.12.15, what did you do with your Vuvuzelas? Frank, Adam and Chingford has been in touch, not about the Vuvuzelas. No, that would be brisk work. Yeah, that would be extraordinary. Frank, how did Southall ever show off the said T-shirt?

It's not like goalkeepers score often, then go off celebrating. He says often, in fairness, it does happen often, then go off celebrating he says often in fairness it does happen often then go off celebrating removing their kit on top did he just stand there mid-game? I think he might have took it off at the end or something like that

but that's a good question maybe walk up to a camera who did Neville Southall reveal his I love my wife t-shirt there'll be loads of scourses in that the exact what minute in the game might be my favourite texting we've ever done yeah

what if Neville Southall was to text, oh he wouldn't probably remember either no I think he's, yeah I hope they're still together it's not my business as simple as that, do you know what it's not our business Frank no it's not our business this is Frank Skinner as simple as that. Do you know what? It's not our business, Frank. No, it's not our business.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We're talking about Neville Southall this morning on Absolute Radio, Frank. Yeah, keep it topical. That's my motto. My friend Scouse Tony's been in touch and he can exclusively reveal that it was at the end of the FA Cup final celebration. Oh, was it?

Yeah, the I Love My Wife T-shirt. I'd forgotten that completely. Oh, well, there you go. So, have we had some... What did you do with your Vuvuzela? Yeah, we have. Vuvuzela recycling campaign. 618L, did you see that?

Yes. Vuvuzelas may be fashioned into Olympic torches for school projects. Very good. Simply add gold gift wrap and Bob's your auntie, at least in my family. James Henley. James Henley or James Henley. I like that idea. I mean, speaking

of schools, it's a shame that the Don Cis cap is no longer traditional. Is it? Is it a shame? Just for the sake of... Spare the rod and spoil the child, Frank. ..of the recycling of Ubu's anus, it's a shame. As you say...

OK, we don't want that quote taken out of context. As an overview, it probably isn't a shame, the Donce's cap. Has anyone in this room ever seen an actual real dancer's cap? Frank, were they around in your time? I think I just missed them, probably, to be honest. You know what? It'd be so long, I could tell you. I hope they weren't around in my time.

We've also had a text from... They had the D on, the big D. It's a funny thing that they just had the initial on. Were they big white triangles or were they made out of paper? Anyone worn a Donce's cap text in? It was a white Vuvuzela type thing and it had a big D

drawn on it for Donce. They didn't even write Donce on it. They just said D. The Donce wouldn't have been able to have read it anyway. Did the Donce have to sit in the corner wearing the cap? I think, I don't know. I mean, I picture them like that, but I mean, they must have been mobile during the day.

Did they wear it all day? Oh, no, I would have said just for the lesson. I was just standing in a corner for a while, but I might have got it wrong. Yeah. We've had a text from 833. I like this. I think this will steer us back towards the goalkeeper's gloves bags.

Hi, Frank. I'm a goalkeeper with curly hair. I keep extra gloves, towel, cap, and my mum's car keys, brackets because she always loses them in my bag. Freddie, age 10. Aww. Now, the towel often used to be hung in the side netting. That's nice.

You know what I'm talking about? It was like their little halfway house, they got all this. Even more so. They used the net as a towel rack. That's some shower gel up there. It was so much. I bet Neville Southall's towel was quite a sweaty affair. Yes.

I'm not sure he owned one. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, turns out we've had a text from 8794183. The Donses caps actually was actually in the last Tory manifesto. Oh.

I've made up that kind of spot. A bit of politics, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. I thought we were so confident. I worried we could get Fox on 10. What about the Donses? Yeah. Stick it in. Stick it in. We'll be fine. I worried we could get Fox on Tune. What about the Donsys cap? Bring that back.

Stick it in. Stick it in. We'll be fine. What about after the grammar school thing? They brought in Donsys cap. Our plan is to return to the Donsys cap. Someone actually arguing for it on Question Time. Oh, yeah.

You know, I think incentivising is very important in education. Anyway, so. I'll tell you what would be another good thing for a Vuvuzela. Make a nice ice cream cone for a T-Rex. Yeah. She'd have the T-Rex very short arms. Yeah.

Very much left out of the ice cream cone world. Can you imagine one holding a let's say a Cornetto and just not quite getting across to it. It's a poor physiological design. Well it's because I think they take branches didn't they from trees so branches

they can pick their length. So they're alright. Well come on is that or are they just a bit Maradona in the body states? You know? Zena Higgs has been in touch, Frank. I'm the son of Zena Higgs. Just to say, we called one of our cats after Neville Southall. Weird emphasis.

I'm going to do that again. Just to say, we called one of our cats after Neville Southall. He used to get Southie Boy for short. Okay. She says he was the first cat to be named after a sportsman. That's quite a claim. That is quite a claim. Or is it membership means in their family?

I'm going to have to hand it over to the 8-12-15ers. That's a bit like voted best chip shop in Britain certificates. Name a chip shop that doesn't have that. Well, there's Mr Haddock on Streatham High Street. Oh, Monsieur. I think it's Monsieur Haddock. What about the Codfather? There's always a Codfather. If ever I have a chip shop, I'm going to call it Monsieur Haddock. I really like that The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio

back Saturday morning from 8 tune in live for the full Frank experience Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran you can text the show on 8 12 15 follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show

via the Absolute Radio website. Don't you know? Mmm. Mmm. Yes. Yes. All true. What may be the conclusion of our Dunce Cap

chat. Maybe not, it could be fake news. Frank et al. Dunce's cap named after Scottish Catholic theologian. What, Dunce's cap, named after Scottish Catholic theologian. What, Dunce Scotus? The name Dunce was applied by Protestants to some deemed incapable of learning. That's from Stu Ross.

That's from Stu Ross, indeed. Did you say we'd had someone who's actually worn one? Oh, yes, there was somebody who... He said he wore it in the 60s. Kevin claims, hi, Frank and the gang, I remember the Dunce hat, worn one there? Oh, yes. There was somebody who... He said he wore it in the 60s. Kevin claims, hi Frank and the gang, I remember the dunce hat, white pointing, you had to stand in the corner all the lesson in the 60s.

To be fair to him, he didn't say he wore it. True. That's true. He may have seen it on others. Maybe. I think we can say it's gone. Yeah, but it's one of those things like spate of burglary. It's just one of those things, isn't it? No, let me finish.

It's never used, thank you, outside of the context of the cap, really. You wouldn't call someone a dunce. I think, yeah. Would you? Well, Alexander Pope's poem, The Dunciad, was all about the stupid... Late review. Stupid people, stupid hack writers. him the Donciad was all about the stupid... Late review. Stupid people,

stupid hack writers and stuff like that. Oh, was it? Yeah. Okay. Here you go. Bit of Popey news. I got zinged with some Pope there. I spent much of last night wearing cardboard spectacles. Oh, did you? Yeah. Oh, hang on, are we doing dream analysis again?

No. Oh. Is Kath going down a bit of a specialist interest route? No. I should have said, where was I at the end? No, I'll tell you, I saw... Where were you? I saw Kraftwerk at the Albert Hall.

Oh, excellent. Did you? And it's a show which features three-dimensional things. Yeah. How rarely do we use the word dimensional? I think the 3D, as abbreviations go, has been tremendously successful. True.

Very true. And worthwhile. You know, some of these abbreviations, there's no point to them. Whereas that's worthwhile. Well, on the ticket, it didn't even... It just had three Dononses caps lined up. We were supposed to draw our own conclusions.

They do use traffic cones, actually, or they used to, as a symbol. Craft work. Which is, you know, I think probably, traffic cones are the link between the Donses cap and the Vuvuzela. Yeah. Anyway, they were absolutely magnifico, I must say.

Do they actually appear? Because I saw some pictures on the social media, some videos, some GIFs, all sorts. And do they have models? In the old days, they had these robots built because um they didn't like doing publicity launch parties and stuff so they used to send robots of themselves to the gigs i think that's fabulous i've seen versions of that um when people have turned up but they've basically been my autopilot i'll mix fun phone and gigs in. Yeah, exactly. But last night they got their own encore, the robots.

And of course there is the song Robots, which they do. I can show you a picture of it later. Good. OK. See, am I allowed legally to take pictures at a Kraftwerk gig? Anyway, I did. But it was fantastic. The other brilliant thing,

actually, I'm thinking of starting a new series on this show. You know, we had... Oh, OK. Do you remember we used to have Stony Ground? We did. Then the whole series fell on Stony Ground and was gone. But I thought, what do you think of this? It's a new series.

I don't have a jingle for it, unfortunately, but I'll see if I can put one. Okay. It's called Some Funny Things I've Said Recently. What do you think? Because I don't think it's such a show. I always think if I lived with a constant camera crew at my side, like our big brother,

I'd be designated the funniest man on the planet. Okay. But I mean you only get a sliver of my work. Even if you say so yourself. I haven't called you that in the past. In fairness. That's good of you. I just didn't think you were going to bring it up on the show as a regular section. I thought it was a tinge of irony. I'm very excited by

this potential new feature on the show. Well here, I was in let's go first of all... We're not going to have a jingle, Frank. I really think this needs one. Can't he sing one of his little songs? I'll see, let me see. You know when he does his little songs,

he sounds a bit like Elvis Costello? I love it when he does that. Some funny things I've said recently. Some funny things I've said recently. Yeah, so I was in a restaurant and I ordered the romp of lamb. I ordered. Did you? Interesting choice for the summer.

Yeah, because we used to have a sign on the show, didn't we? Too hot for lamb. So you went to a restaurant didn't we too hot for lamb we went to a restaurant and it was too hot for lamb yeah someone ordered lamb we went a bit hot for lamb as if yeah lamb sales must have plummeted in london this week yeah 30 degrees oh god so um Oh, God. So I ordered the romp of lamb, and the woman came and said, I was at the table of about 15 people, and she came over and said,

I'm sorry, I said I'll have the romp of lamb. She said, I'm sorry, it's not actually romp of lamb. Tonight, it's shoulder of lamb. Right. I said, well, I'll have the shoulder as long as it's not cold. Right? And she said, no, no, it won't be cold. And I said, not leave it, I'm not going to leave it there.

And I said, no, no, I'm not going to leave it there. And I said, no, no, I mean I don't want the cold shoulder. And then she really laughed and I was so glad, just a little bit of perseverance had got her there. Good for you. I'm so pleased for you. But not everyone at the table had heard me say it, so then I had to tell them. Right.

But again, it went all right. Did you get a laugh the second time, the retelling then? It got the sort of laugh you get when you're eating with colleagues who are slightly below you on the pecking order. Is it staffed-er, as we call it? It was staffed-er, yeah. That's what we call laughter. Staffed-er.

No, I know there were people who were certainly my equal oh good I just did a symbol to say to suggest that was

ridiculous but I mean I never got to the bottom because they hadn't got the romp very good I never got

to the bottom of why what had got the rump. Very good. I never got to the bottom of why what had been the lamb rump became the lamb shoulder. I wonder if after they'd done the slicing they found out one was facing in the wrong direction. Is that possible? Possible. Sounds simplistic

I know but anyway the waitress really laughed once I'd explained it to her. And there are many definitions of happiness. Yeah. But that one. That had everything for you. But then, hold on, what's it called again, the title?

Some Things I Said. Hold on, let me. I wrote it down. Oh, yeah. You said, some funny things I said... Hold on, let me... I wrote it down. Oh, yes. You said... Some funny things I've said recently. Something like that. Yeah.

I was talking to a man who... I love retelling my own. Is this for me? OK, sorry, the red fez has arrived. Shall I save it? Yeah, I think you should save it. I know, but you don't know when to meet between jokes, do you? Yeah, but this isn't any old joke.

This isn't any old joke. This is a some funny things I've said recently joke. But if you went to a trapeze act, you wouldn't... They'd just let go of the first trapeze and you'd go, you know what, I have to go to the toilet. Yeah. And turn your back and not see if they've met the next trapeze.

Good point. But I'm getting a lot of pressure. You said your back and not see if they've made an extra piece. Good point. But I'm getting a lot of pressure. You said your point, but I mean so that means we should keep them on tenterhooks. Okay. Okay? Really, I wish we'd jumped straight away, because now what we've done is we've dragged it out this bit.

This is dead air. How long will this go on for? This is what I'd call proper radio. This is what I would say 96% of radio I listen to is like, this is, this is,

and I don't like it down here. Down amongst the dead, man. I don't like it. So anyway, let's have something else. Oh. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

What about this? I was talking to a guy this week. Is this another one of the... No, it's something else I said that was hilarious. Oh, OK, great. That's all the show is now. This one I particularly liked, actually. Excellent. Here's a the show is now. This one I particularly liked, actually. Excellent.

Here's a funny story for you. We were talking about when people used to... This is one of Boz's school dads, you know. Oh, yeah. I thought it was one of the dads. And we were talking about when people used to go to New York, you'd say, oh, be careful, New York. No-one ever says that anymore.

Yeah, yeah. But it used to be quite a... Rough. Actually. Whatever. New York. No one ever says that anymore. It used to be quite a rough actually. Whatever! People warning you about going to New York. And I said when I went to South Africa

people, I actually sorted out my will before I went to South Africa. I was fairly confident I wouldn't come back. Turned out I'd come back with a... A poo-poo-sandwich. Which you've used as a tea funnel. Yeah.

Who knew? Yeah. Anyway, that's one of those when people say, if anyone had told you then you was going to use that as a tea funnel. You wouldn't have believed that. People said that. Most people have said things to me like

if anyone had told me if I'd have said yeah I'd just been inducted into the radio hall of fame

if somebody told you that when you were 10 year old in West Bromwich I'd have thought who are you leave me alone

what a weird thing to tell anybody anyway this guy said he's a mate of his was in I think it was Bogota, and he got shot.

Was that Colombia? And they shot one of his testicles off. Did they? Oh. Nice story. Say that, can't I? All right. No, you know what?

I once said that in the context of Jamie Oliver eating them on a show. I think it's all right to say. I think it's okay. And he said to the guy, you were lucky. Why? Well, because, you know, his whole private parts could have gone. His whole private parts? Which right now aren't that private.

They're being discussed on commercial radio. And I said, I don't want breakfast radio that's what I call them and I said to this dad I said I like that you managed to put a positive spin on someone having their testicles shut off I said you're obviously a man who feels that the scrotum

is half full rather than half empty oh my goodness me see Al appreciated it. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

I went, it was Father's Day on, I love Father's Day. You get all the attention, don't you? Oh, man, it's brilliant. Is it like your 60th all over again? Well, nothing can be quite like that. But I got up in the morning and they got me a bowl of fruit. Lovely. Because there aren't many things you can really get me.

Breakfast in bed? Happy Father's Day bunting. Wow. Kath's a big fan of bunting. They got the Bunting out Well what happened is we got Bunting up for my

60th birthday Oh yeah And then not long after You were happy that day weren't you you were so happy And then

You sound like he's never been happy since And And then it was like Boz's birthday and then it was my birthday

then it was Father's Day and then it was my Boz's birthday And then it was my birthday Then it was the father's day And then it was My mother-in-law's birthday this week So we've just kept it up and just changed the Stuff So you just keep happy up and then change Yeah so Boz's five balloons Has got like a seven

Written in front of the five In sharpie Obviously not that sharpie When you're writing on a balloon. So, yeah, so we just keep the decorations up and we modify them as the turn of the year. Anyway, Buzz got me a card and it said, I love my dad because... It was a collar, neck and shoulders shoulders with a tie on it. It said

I love my dad because and it was a school and you had to lift up the tie and then he'd written underneath why and it said because and it said my dad is funny. Best review I've ever had. But I still

even then I thought there's only one N in funny. Does that mean not completely funny? Only. But really, fantastic. So I finally got round to constructing the picnic table I bought him a couple of months back. Oh, really?

As a thank you. As a direct result of the review. He gave me incentive. This is why the Dunces cap should be at least reconsidered. Because it fired me up, that card. And so, yeah, so I got the Alan key. Alan? Is it Alan key?

I think it's an Alan key, but it's also been changed to a Hex key, hasn't it? Oh, it's making me come over all peculiar when I'm being taught like that. I love it. I thought it was Alan ending with an M for monkey. You're saying it's Alan with an N. I thought it was A-L-U-M. Oh, I don't know. I mean, would I know?

I do like it when Alan gets a bit open the car bonnet. I don't know anything. I mean, if I open the car bonnet... Holds the shirt over the back of his head. I know. I mean, it's all happening. You can't do that. I can't do the car bonnet or the Alan key thing.

I feel like... But you think it's with a with a nut for Newtonian physics at the end. I thought it might be A-L-L-E-N, like Clive Allen. Look, it's named after somebody called Alan. I might be wrong, though. I mean, I'm very happy to be... I know, or will know. Our fabulous readers.

What is that key called, and why? It's definitely been changed to hexer. It's Alan with a Y, is it? 8, 12, 15. No, it's 8. I think, oh, we don't know. We just don't know and I've used one recently. Maybe this is why they changed it to hex key.

Are you sure about this hex thing? Yeah. Hex is another word for a curse. I don't want that in there. That's not science. No. Who wants to use a curse? Can you get the curse key out

How are you with a cursor on a laptop It's a curse I remember when Oh my, I play the music Anyway You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast From Absolute Radio We've had various correspondents

Saying it's an Allen key, A-L-L-E-N. Oh, OK. Because it was made by the Allen Manufacturing Company. A fool of mine. Thanks to Mark in Manchester. I'm going to call this a... Correction!

Correction! Do-do-do-do-do-do! Yes. Excellent. Allen key, does it say who Mr. Alan was? No, there's been no... It just says the Alan Manufacturing Company. Oh, respect, respect to them.

As was the Alan Wrench, it refers to. Oh, I've never used that. The less popular Alan Wrench, difficult second album. Alan Wrench does sound like someone who works in your office. Yeah, I was talking to Alan Wrench about the Chaswell deal. He written us we can go 7K. Sure, it's alan.wrench. Wrenchy, Wrenchy's coming.

Oh, Wrenchy will be there. I think Wrenchy asks you to ping him over an email. Do you? I really hope so. You recently used an Allen key for the assembly of the picnic table. How did it go then? It went well. Good for you.

It's very satisfying. It makes me feel like a father. Oh yeah. It makes me feel like a man. And then I went crazy. I bought well here's the debate here. I got a lot of leaves left over in the garden, right? So I bought, I said, I need a leaf socker.

Yeah. And my personal assistant said, it's a blower, isn't it? I thought you were going to say she refused to do it. I said, I don't want to blow them. I want to sock them. I want to sock them into a thing and not throw them away. Yes, a vacuum. She said, I've looked it up.

It's the same thing. Is it? It's just not socking and blowing in general, but there's a switch on it. You never hear about leaf socking, do you? Hang on, why don't they do that? It's much better than blowing. But people always talk about leaf blowing, leaf blowing this, leaf blowing that. So anyway, I got... don't they do that as much better than blowing? But people always talk about leaf blowing,

leaf blowing this, leaf blowing that. So anyway, I got... Don't they? I said, there's a leaf blower. Do they? Well, more often they talk about leaf socking. I saw one of them leaf sockers down our road. You're right.

That was an insect. You're right. Anyway, I got it. Did you buy it or rent it? I got it. I bought it. She threw money at the problem. He works hard if he wants to do it.

I asked a leaf blower. You don't have to say, but are they expensive? They're not. I think it was like... Oh, don't be vulgar. No, I'm not asking you to name the price, Alan. OK. No, do. Go on. Three figures. No, it wasn't that much.

Well, that's all right. It was a sob three figures. But, um... So, it's... I don't have that many leaf-based tools. I've got a rake. I reckon you've got the lot now. You've got your rake, you've got the sucker

slash blower. Well, that is technically a leaf. What else is there? A spear? Did the sucker or the blow motion go off first? No, no, I switched it on to sock. It's quite clear. And I've socked the leaves and one big leaf went in

and that was it. And then it stuck. To switch it off, get that out. No wonder they don't use that sucking function. I mean, what I needed was a list of tree leaves that were used, you know, some of the smaller tree leaves. I mean, we've got lots of trees around our garden.

They're the traditional wooden ones. Yeah. The leaves. And the leaves, when the leaves come down, one big leaf, it gives up the leaf socket. I mean, it was such a disappointment. That's gone into the shed. I would be surprised if I ever pick it up again.

Can I ask you a question, Frank? I went in there an hour later to spit on it. It's not an entire waste of money, your leaf blower slash sucker, Frank. Is that right? Jackie and David, on the way to the Isle of Man, have texted saying, Frank, your leaf blower will be handy in the winter when you want to blow away the snow from your drive.

Apparently. I don't think we've had a cover in a snow in London for about seven years. And have you got a drive? Depends which gaff you're talking about. Oh, come on. Come on. I mean, come on. Come on. I mean, come on. You've done all right for yourself, I'm just saying.

Worked on. Yeah. Puts up his own picnic tables. Yeah. Kept it real. People resent it. You get a lottery winner on, they get a round of applause. Where's the justice in that?

Well, not from me, they don't. Where's the justice in that? So part of the Father's Day thing, I took Buzz to a thing called Star Wars Identities. Do you know what this is? No, is it Star Wars characters who've committed crimes?

And there's a parade of sorts. It was it's at the O2. It's basically a O2. Lovely. It's basically a Star Wars exhibition. Oh, yeah. I don't know if I've told you this.

He's just turned five. He's seen the main seven movies. Right. Now, is that all right? Is that a social services job? No, it's not social services. There's a couple of... The only bit I got

really anxious was the bit where Anakin Skywalker crawls out of a lava pit. Spoiler alert, I'm not saying that one. Yeah, and his legs have been

dissolved. Oh, have they? That bit, I was edgy about that. They're taking a different turn than I thought. It was four at the time, boss, and I thought maybe this is a bit over the edge. But generally, it's knockabout stuff. OK. So we got through that.

And he went to his birthday party, his fifth birthday party, and he went as Darth Vader. Interesting choice. It's interesting, his obsession with Darth Vader it's not the normal one that the kids like that's not what you'd really normally go for

well he's an outlier there you go you see I like the I was the Chewie fan oh I love Chewie as well at this exhibition which I'd recommend they've got Chewie there you know Chewie suit

I'll give him my number this is Chewbacca in case you don't know who we're talking about and it's the first time I've had the chance to stand and have a good look at Chewbacca he's often busy I think we can say that about Chewbacca. Oh, yeah. You know, he's often... He's busy. I think we can say that about Chewbacca generally.

He's rushing around. In movement. With that record bag on him. You know, he's got... I mean, he's like a West London dad with that record bag. I know. I'll tell you something else. I've never really noticed before how swept back his hair is.

Very swept back. I don't mean his face. If you forget his facial hair, and if you shaved his face and neck completely, but just left the normal, that swept back hair. It's something of the Richard Keys of him. I would say, with the hair,

I'd think he's a bit Richard E. Grant. Yeah. You know when you look at Richard E. Grant and you thought, can he reach his hair to comb him? Because it looks very high in the air, Richard E. Grant. Yeah, it's high, isn't it? There's a high dome. Sometimes that can be

a concealing thing, but anyway. You think? This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Can we just re-establish? Chewie has the record bag, and then it's a studded belt. He has like bandoleros, you know, with weapons in.

With bullets. He styles pants, doesn't he? He favours the crossbow. Does he style pants? Oh, there's no trousers on there. Okay, lovely. There's no trousers on Chewbacca. Doesn't need them.

That's my family motto. I don't know. I have no idea why. Is that your version of no flies on me? Yeah. I'll tell you what he was very fascinated by, Boz. He stared at it for ages. Princess Leia's, you know that sort of art nouveau

brass bikini she wears when she becomes the slave very popular with the teenage boy yeah but he really stared at that and i mean i stared at it a bit i couldn't get him away from me um which is interesting i don't know quite what to read into it. He didn't fall far from the tree. But he absolutely loved it, I must say. And I loved it as well. Good. We sang. Did you?

What did you sing? A lot of the time, you know, when we got to the Darth Vader room, he'd go, Brilliant. Yeah. It's a grand old tune And I think in the cantina

We went Come on I felt you were going to join in Nothing happened Come on One bit of cantina There's some kind of monkey in the cantina Into the news.

Was it kombucha in there, drinking Ribena? I don't want director's commentary, just give me some music. It's not as easy as you might think. That'll be why they use instruments in the actual film. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Don't you know. Yeah? Oh. I'd like to discuss something this morning,

which is, it's a bit of shocking news, actually. Oh, OK. Stop all the clocks. Shall we brace ourselves? Stop all the clocks. Daniel we brace ourselves? Stop all the clocks. Daniel Day-Lewis has announced his retirement in what I believe George Lineker would call absolute scenes. Oh.

No-one saw that coming. No. Well, I didn't. Daniel Day-Lewis? Daniel Day-Lewis, 60. Who knew? Is he 60? He's like you, Frank.

He's been drinking from the old Elixir cup. I'm ages with Daniel Day-Lewis. You're ages with him. Isn't it lovely when you hear a new phrase and get to use it within a couple of hours? Alan said it earlier. Alan said he's mum if she's the same age as anyone. She says I'm ages with.

Yeah, yeah. Because I'm ages with David Beckham. And I'm ages with Margarita Prackertan. Are you? I'm ages with Daniel D. Lewis. Daniel D. Lewis? I suppose his name is Daniel D. Lewis. GDL. I wish you'd said

I'm now entering what one might call the twilight of my career. I'd like to now be known as Daniel Knight Lewis. Well, he is a knight as well. He is. Is he? I forgot that he is. Yeah, he was knighted.

So Daniel Knight... You should have chosen it then. Oh, they'll take the knighthood, the unconventional ones, they won't they? They're all artsy and crafty. Oh, I'm all unconventional, but oh, knighthood, lovely. Best celebrity name changes. 8, 12, 15.

I'll start the ball rolling yep Puff Daddy to P did he right I think that's good Prince to that

weird symbol yeah and also the artist formerly known as Prince yes you can do with any name change if you think about

it I've got one Andy Cole to Andrew Cole oh yeah good shout that was one of the got one. Andy Cole to Andrew Cole. Oh, yeah. Good show. That was one of the best ones.

You changed it to Andrew Cole, officially. Now, that is a weird coincidence. Why? Because this announcement, which I don't think actors normally do, do they? No. I remember when Andrew Cole... Yeah, thank you. I remember when he retired from international football.

Years after he'd been picked. Hadn't been in any squads. Didn't people even talk about him. He suddenly, out of the blue, retired from international football. I love that. I suppose this is a good time for me to retire from international football as well. I'm just going to see how it goes. Keep your name in the hat.

I'm just going to see how he goes. Keep your name in the hat, yeah. But who would have thought that Daniel Day-Lewis and Andrew Cole had got so many things in common? I didn't have thought. Well, he made a fact also. Also, you won't believe this. Go on. Andrew Cole's dad.

I can't take that seriously, Andrew Cole. I'm not making this up. Andrew Cole's dad is called Lincoln. No. Shut up. Which was the film that Daniel... One of his... Yeah, one of his...

Oh, come on. I mean, never seen in the same room. Peas in a pod. Peas in a pod, aren't they? Weird. This is the first time on commercial radio they've established the Andrew Cole, Daniel Day-Lewis link. I think it might be, yeah.

And possibly the last. Can I say, if they made a film about Andrew Cole's left foot, it would be low in incident. He was quite right-footed. That's right. Andy Cole. If he'd have been in my left foot, honestly,

it would have been the most rubbish art you've ever seen in your life. They were right in the end to go for Daniel Day-Lewis. He was the better choice. But they've always had this, those two, Daniel Day-Lewis. He was the better choice. Over Andrew Cole.

But they've always had this, those two, fighting for parts all the time. I think Andrew Cole got three interviews. We should say, actually, I think he had a liver transplant or something. Did it for Andrew Cole? I know he's on the mend, I'm very glad to say. Well, we wish you well, Andrew Cole.

Probably shouldn't be taking the mickey out of him when he's just had a major operation. I know, he's getting better, though. He's out there again. God bless him. If you're listening, Andy, sorry. Andrew, oh, God. Don't say Andy. He hates Andy. He was a cracking player. I hope he gets well soon.

I think we've cleared that up. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we're sending our thoughts to Daniel Day-Lewis who's retired from his back-breaking schedule of making one film every six years. Nine items or less, Daniel Day-Lewis. He must be absolutely shattered. But in fairness, he does win an Oscar every time. Well, he's won three, so he's nine items or less Daniel Day-Lewis He must be absolutely shattered But in fairness he does win an Oscar every time

Well he's won three so he's nine items or less but he's in Waitrose He's done a few he hasn't done he did that Lincoln that you liked in the milkshake one

I loved it I love Lincoln There are unemployed actors that ripped up their newspaper when they saw this getting so much press. Well, I'm suspicious. God!

I'm a bit suspended about this one. Really? Because he's got the new film out in December. Yeah, he thinks it's rubbish. Award season. He wants to get his last Oscar, come on. Maybe, maybe that's true. He wants the big four.

I thought you might be thinking this is a great way of upping his fee for his next film, isn't it? Like, oh, he's no longer available really we'll double his fee well I read he was worth 50 million he's done well for himself 50 million respect

do you think I ought to retire from acting so that it ups my fee oh of course I forgot you were still acting I thought you had retired over a 20 year acting career I've you had retired. Over a 20-year acting career, I've played Jason the Asthmatic, Broken Leg Patient, The Chauffeur,

Barman. I think I know what queue you need to be in. What? Nine items or less. I don't know, I think it could up my game if I announced my retirement. People could suddenly get really interested, like what happened for Daniel Day-Lewis this week.

I'm in that cigarette kiosk queue then. Well, apparently when he retired from stage acting, he was mid-play. Yeah, because he was playing Hamlet. He's playing Hamlet? He was speaking to his real dad. Oh, yes. Because he's a method actor.

Yes, and he thought that was his real dad, I believe. Well, he saw his real dad apparently he walked off in tears and didn't come back on I don't know what they did did it carry on or did the understudy he's such a volatile man the understudy sits dressed as Hamlet in the wings

I wonder if you'd notice I hope the understudy was a really big fat bloke. I just come... Oh, dear. He tried to hold back the tears. He's got water retention. I know.

It's a bit announcing it, though. It's a bit people announcing they're leaving Twitter, isn't it? Isn't it a bit attention-seeking? Just go. Why do these people do this? So I'm leaving. From the 12th of July, I will no longer be on Twitter just so you know. And then a few months later,

so I'm just coming back just to say I will no longer be on Twitter. Is it a bit Ringo Starr refusing to sign autographs? I'm warning you with peace and love. I every time I read anything about, I sort of forget about

Daniel Day-Lewis because he's a bloke who sort of goes away for long periods. And then whenever I read anything about I sort of forget about Daniel Day-Lewis because he's a bloke who sort of goes away for a long period and then whenever I read anything about him I feel like reading everything about him he's really he moved to Florence to train as a cobbler

that's one of the things he did, not for a film and a cabinet maker just because he was interested in it. I think he trained as a cobbler to get a cobbler shot and a key cutting. Yeah. And then he's got the sports trophies in the window. Yeah. Yeah.

You know they engraved the trophies. Oh, yeah. So consequently, get the Oscars. And when it comes to changing day to night on the names, he'll handle it. He can do them all he's thought ahead there might be an interim period when he's called

Day Afternoon Lewis I love that I like to see him moving through Daniel Day Afternoon where's any name changes well also that sounds like a solicitor

hello Daniel Day Afternoon Lewis he could be that Afternoon actually I mean I don't know if I'll have another child now but Afternoon is private information you're reeling on air oh god that? Afternoon, actually. I mean, I don't know if I'll have another child now, but afternoon is... A lot of information.

Oh, God, yeah. Went a bit... Never say never. But I think afternoon... That's something she's never said in play. Afternoon would be a lovely name for a child, wouldn't it? Afternoon Jackson. Actually, I love afternoon. Yeah. I mean, people call their children child, wouldn't it? Afternoon Jackson. Actually, I love afternoon.

Yeah. I mean, people call their children Summer, don't they? So it's still sort of... Afternoon is lovely. It's just a different time span, really. But I think it's a nice name. Yes. Afternoon Cochran.

Oh, but you'd get so many people laughing at you and making silly jokes in that way. Afternoon, Frank. I'd sign my signature PM. PM Cochran. Oh, nice. Do you prefer afternoon or evening as a name? No, afternoon's better. Afternoon because it sort of brings you in more gently.

Evening is too much like Eve. People call you Eve. What's the point? What about morning? Morning I don't like because I don't know how you're spelling it. Exactly. You've got to think these things. You shouldn't rush into a first name. But Afternoon, Afternoon Dean. Love it.

Afternoon Dean, it's great. Afternoon, Afternoon Dean. Afternoon. I imagine a sort of 1930s cleric walking past. What if, let's say, Emma, they changed the name to Afternoon? Hang on, what has it mean it's got to do with it? No, I'm just scooting it. I'm not saying it's a girl's say, Emma, they changed the name to Afternoon? Hang on, what does it mean, it's got to do with it? No, I'm just giving it a say. I'm not saying it's a girl's name, sexist!

But then if you saw her on a morning, you'd have to say Morning Afternoon. It'd be a nightmare. But I'd love that. That's true. Would you? I might do it. After, you'd be called in the office. Yeah.

That's what, who's the bloke in the office we talked about earlier? We talked about James Someone Wrench, Alan Wrench Someone like that He'd call you after How are we going to get out of this? Can I just quickly tell you something He was a very private person

Well he was, he's still here No, Daniel Day-Lewis I remember when I was At the Sunday Times magazine and I was training and I was quite nervous and someone said, can you ring up and put in a request to do an interview with him? And his agent said, who was no longer with us, I think,

but a very theatrical chap called Julian Belfridge, and I said, hello, do you think Daniel Day-Lewis would be interested in an interview with the Sunday Times magazine? And he said, sorry, lovey, no can do. He put the phone down on me. I quite liked him for that. That's when someone told me, had I heard Danny LaRue for a thing

and Danny LaRue said he'd do it, but he always took his dog with him so the dog would be at the hotel there, so that'd be fine. And then about two days before the gig, the hotel changed their mind, said, no, we can't have a dog with. Oh, no.

So this bloke had to phone up and tell Danny LaRue. And he said, the entire conversation was just, no dog, no Danny. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were talking about name changes

and 116 got in touch saying, Hi Frank, my favourite name change was snooker player Jimmy White changed his name to Jimmy Brown as part of a sponsorship deal. Did he really? Temporarily, I take it. I would imagine so. I think he's now called Jimmy Brown.

Did he change the credit cards and things? Like snooker players always do, he went back to white. They always go back to white. Of course, yeah. Exactly. There was a guy in Wolverhampton who was part of a Beacon Radio promotion for I think it might have been the Phantom Menace, going back to the Star Wars theme.

They asked if anyone was prepared to change their name by deed poll to Darth Vader. Excellent. Just for the duration of the sort of publicity thing. So this bloke did it, and I had a mate who ended up working with him. Oh, yeah. So he said, you need to ask Darth Vader about it.

He said, why did you call him that? And I said, that's his name. And what had happened is he changed his name to Darth Vader and then he got a phone call after the film was out and stuff from Beacon Radio saying, right, we've got all the stuff ready to change your name back again. He said, oh, I'm not bothered really. He said, it's fine, it doesn't matter.

Kids like you, you know. So my mate, when he met him, he didn't know any of this. He said, you're a massive Star Wars fan. Star Wars fan. And he said, not really, no. I've seen them, you know. They're all right, not that bothered. But you're called Darth Vader I like that he wasn't that bothered

either, it's something you didn't have a strong opinion on being called Darth Vader I don't know, there was some incentive for changing his name but it was like 10 shillings maybe some tickets or something put him a 10 bob note and a card excellent good for him maybe some tickets or something put him a 10 bob note and a card excellent

good for him but Daniel Day-Lewis oh yeah I mean he's he's the bit I it's funny you mention his agent because I think

what I like about this is he's not changing his name anyway Daniel Day-Lewis the main theme you know is the name change yeah I just speculated

it would be great if he did but I don't think he's not going to go to Daniel Knight-Lewis as you suggested no but The name changed. I just speculated it would be great if he did. He changed it. I'm not going to go to Daniel Knight-Lewis, as you suggested. No. But his agent announced it, which I think is amazing that he's saying, I'm retiring, so there's no future money for the agent now. But yet he still announced it, or she.

She or Daniel. Well, I don't know, they'll be residuals. But when Daniel Day-Lewis said, oh, I'm not going to work anymore, can you tell everyone? Why didn't the agent just go, well, you tell him yourself if you're not doing anything. Well, she, exactly, what's she getting out of it? Where's she getting that money from?

Where's my commission on nothing? He says, she also said this is a private decision. Oh, well, don't announce it then. Why do you need a spokesman? Keep it privy. I think what he's worried about, probably, is if he retires and doesn't tell anybody, then in seven or eight years' time,

we'll be on this show and I'll say, Daniel D. Lewis's career. Daniel D. Lewis. I'm determined to call him Daniel D. Lewis. It sounded a bit... Yeah, I liked it. I enjoyed it. J.R. Hartley.

He, we'll be saying, he doesn't get any work anymore. And he'll be at home seething. Listen to this on the radio. Yeah. Knocking a nice pair of Winkle pickers together at home. Yeah. Well, he only works... This is exactly it.

We wouldn't be saying, oh, he's not getting any work. We'd be saying he's probably off being enigmatic. Making cabinets or shoes. Tuning a piano. Do you think he leans back in his parka and says, you know what? I think I might be

enigmatic for a couple of years. And then do another film. Oh man. I'd like to. Would you like to meet him? No. I think he'd be troublesome. I just think I'd be bored. 20 years like to meet him? No. I think it'd be troublesome. I just think I'd be bored. 20 years ago, I was interested in him,

but now I'd be like, oh, you make furniture, you're a cabinetmate. It says in the paper that he was convinced, he was being a cobbler in Venice or whatever it was, was it Scorsese convinced him to do Gangs of New York? There's an unemployed actor of the exact same age that smashed his flat up on reading that, I promise you. What, someone...

I can't even get a job and he's being convinced out of cobbling. An actor who's ages with... He's ages with Daniel Day-Lewis. Look, if things go bad, I think he'd... He'd be a very good disability benefit cheat. Because we know he's very convincing when he's in the Social Security.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. He likes fishing, DDL. Does he? Does he, or is he just pretending? Was he trying to get a part in a river runs through it and it didn't work out?

Of course. Who knows? Well, maybe he'll start doing, like, the Robson Green. Oh, what if Robson Green pips into that part? Oh. Or if they were both up for extreme fishing. But Robson Green was doing it for a few years beforehand.

Or they might swap now. Like Robson Green might become the most famous method actor on earth and Daniel Day-Lewis just going around the world fishing.

Yeah. Could happen. Certainly. You could have a nice trout farm like Roger Daltrey. Roger Daltrey's trout farm.

You ever been to a trout farm? No. Brilliant day. I've never been to a trout farm brilliant day have you actually been to one you buy little cups of feed and you chuck it in you know the feeding frenzy

do you see them all gather they leap out of the water they go absolutely balmy amazing so they all surround the food, do they? If you've ever been to a hotel buffet, it's like that. I mean, they go absolutely crazy, the trout.

They jump all over each other like swimmers in a triathlon, don't they? Speaking of being ages with DDL. I love ages. He's looking... I say he's got... He looks all right. I think he's looking older. Well, he looks good, Frank.

I would say you and DDL. Yeah. I'd say you look same ages, but I would say 49. Really? Yes! No, I call him Daniel Gray Lewis now. Yeah.

That's his... You're having fun with his name, aren't you? I'm fascinated to know I call him Daniel Gray Lewis now. You're having fun with his name, aren't you? I'm fascinated to know. What about his dad, Cecil? Cecil, he was a very talented man. And his grandad. Unbelievable. His grandad, John Lewis, he was a big retailer.

Oh, never knowingly overcast. That's got swimming, weather and acting in it, that one. You threw everything in that, Frank. That's what I call multiple choice punchline. Yeah, it's very good value for money. Now, speaking of retirement, I was, I don't know if I've ever told you, but in my house, where I live, the houses are not wide. They tend to be tall. That's just a note. You know, every

place has got its... Townhouses. Is that what they're called? I believe so. A Victorian terrace on a small footprint, but high. It makes it sound like Coronation Street. A small footprint, like Robinson Crusoe. I would call it a Victorian townhouse. Well, anyway, so there are 71 stairs from the basement kitchen to my attic where I work.

So I walked up there and I stopped off on one of the other floors and went into a room and started pottering about. You know that old man scene, you think, what have I come in here for? Yeah. And I realised I hadn't actually come in there to get anything. I was basically breaking the journey. Because of the 71 stairs. I was thinking I might just walk about on one level for a minute or two before I take the rest off.

It was like on a long-haul flight, Frank, when you stopped off in Singapore. That floor is the Singapore of your house. I know, but how tragic. 71 stairs, you've got to break the journey. I'm going to count how many stairs my house has got. Have you never done that? No, I've never done that.

I should. Well, mine's distinctly more bijou, but I would say, I'd say about, probably only about 13 stairs, Frank. Maybe 15. Really? It's tight.

It's a small bijou duplex. Have a count. Shall I have a count later? The nice thing, once you've made the count... No, it's more than that. It's probably 21. I think to myself now, I'll think, you know, I've just finished a cup or two, I more than that. It's probably 21. I think to myself now,

I've just finished a cup or two, I'll hit the 71, I think. It's nice. I think everybody should know how many stairs they've got in their house. I've got a lot. I'm going to count later. I don't know if I should tell you next week

or text you later in the day. How many stairs are in your house? 8, 12, 15. 8, 12, 15 is the answer. It's massive. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Go for the apples today. Go for them. How do you like them? Nice. No pushing on the top of the head, though. No. I mean, that is one thing we've learned from this show isn't it

That you could just They're quite soft these ones Right yeah I find the greens are a bit harder Also I think that text in that said You use the bottom of your jaw to bite Is really useful Salient info isn't it

I'm not telling you off I'm just Okay Just a reminder We've learnt about apples I've also learnt about life, comedy We just... OK. Just to remind us. We've learnt about apples. I've also learnt about life, comedy. We've learnt a lot on this show, haven't we?

Oh, we sound like we're wrapping up, like DDL. Yeah. 816. I just like to pay homage to Frank as my mentor sometimes. 816 has been in touch. Have you seen this, Al? Yeah. Morning, team.

An article pinned to the notice board in a local hostelry near Petersfield states, this is the man that a village elder told to give up acting and get a proper job as a gardener or something. The image is of Sir DDL. That's from Julie. It's Daniel Day-Lewis. Yeah. And that man was.

But to be fair to him, he has actually got quite a lot of proper jobs. So that's probably why he has to go and be like a stupid cobbler job. Not that it's a stupid... Stupid cobbler job. There's only cobblers listening. I'm not saying it's a stupid... It's a load of cobblers. But there probably wouldn't be cobblers

if they could be Oscar-winning actors instead. That's my point. Yeah. Well, also, he can only work every four years, as we've established. I don't think he can only do that. Well, he can. He can work Olympics and World Cup. That's it.

Those are his only jobs now. He could do some stuff in the gig economy in between. He could do a bit of Uber driving, maybe DHL. DDL for DHL. That'd be good, wouldn't it, if he just delivered your parcel? It's a good slogan, but it's half you're reaching for your Google. Yeah. He's a knight now as well.

You're right. He's a knight now as well. You're right. He's Daniel Knight, Lewis, that's for sure. He's not going to do a normal thing in between films, is he? He's not going to... It's not in between films, it's over. It's over. So maybe he will do a normal thing now. Daniel D. Lewis...

I'm inciting to what it's like to break up with Frank now. So, Daniel D. Lewis and... He's still sticking with the D. And Henry Blofeld in the same week. I know, what a week it's been for the Tigers. How shall we ever recover? That was a bit of Daniel D. Lewis there when he played Elmer Gantry.

Oh, one of his lesser-known works. Yeah, but, you know... Still on the IMDb. Yeah, but you know. Still on the IMDB. Anyway, we must go. Look, it's been lovely as ever. If a little rambling, but what's new? Anyway. Bring on the feathers.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Want your frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.