The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Age App

Episode Date: May 2, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the team await the arrival of the Royal Baby whilst they discuss strange insults, Frank's new dressing habit, Alun and his remote control woes plus the team use an app to find out how old they look.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. E. Dean and A. Cochran are joining me today. And if you want to text us, I think some people already have. Yeah. Early worms.

That's what I hate. I've had a text in for you already hold on I've got to do the numbers 81215 is our text number you can follow the show on twitter at frank on the radio email the show via the absolute radio website I like you saying I've got to do the numbers I think it would be good presenting the lottery

yeah maybe I think I imagine that Dale Winton will go on forever with the lottery. Considering the fact, I believe he died in 2012. I can't imagine anything stopping him. If ever there was reanimation... The face is set to collapse imminently.

Well, no. No, I tell you, he'll go on forever. God bless him. Frank, there's a text from Eugene Curran... Oh, yeah.ran who has a question for you. Which modern comedian do you envy the most? Well, I don't

really do envy because all modern comedians partly because I follow the Nazarene You're a really spiritual guy, yeah. And partly because, obviously, deep down I think I'm the funniest person on the planet. Can I confirm that's absolutely correct?

No, I do believe that. I think most comedians believe, maybe all comedians, some people, where it clearly isn't true. But, yes, so, no, I can't... I'd love to give an honest answer to that because I think the truth is everything on this show. But I can't think of any who I even care for. What about you, Al? Is it me? If you want, yeah. If you want.

Oh, Al. If it helps us get through the next three hours. What about the idea of Frank being a modern comedian? I love that. Yeah, exactly. I forgot that bit. I forgot the modern bit. I think you're idea of Frank being a modern comedian? I love that. Yeah, exactly. I forgot that bit. I forgot the modern bit. I think you're... Can we do that again?

Live? I think you're a modern comic with trad sensibilities, yeah? Yes. Well handled. Or am I a trad comic with modern sensibilities? No. You're just basically always the funniest person in the room. Is that what you want?

I think what I am is one... You know when you buy those cars and you realise it was two cars welded want? I think what I am is one, you know when you buy those cars and you realise it was two cars welded together? That's what I am. I'm an end of the pier comedian and and another end of the pier comedian.

Okay, so I'm sorry but Eugene. I don't need the jealousy now, do you? I don't look at people, I don't look at like Philip Schofield and think I wish that was me. No, I don't. Yeah. now, do you? I don't look at people... I don't look at, like, Philip Schofield and think, I wish that was me. No, I don't. Yeah.

In fact, I think I'm glad that's not me. Do you? It's a very opposite. You're very confident, though. I respect that. Not of Schofield in particular. Schofield's found his niche. Yeah.

He's been on The Five, too. He looks lovely in Svelte. I haven't found my niche. She went missing in the... in the late 90s. Modern comedy for you there, everybody. Yeah. She was seen getting on a ferry to Ostend, and we haven't heard from her since.

Yeah, Ostend. Devil's in the detail, isn't it? Exactly. What about Kee Valley? You remember Ostenders, that fabulous sitcom about Belgium? Is it Belgium? It's that way, isn't it? It's over that way. It's that part of the world.

Yes. We're watching Cape Early this morning, aren't we? Well, because obviously we're on the edge of our seats, which I imagine the judges of Cambridge is as well. She might be on the bouncy ball at this stage. They put you to sit on to get everything ready. But yeah, the royal baby is imminent. be on the bouncy ball at this stage they put you to sit on to get everything ready but yeah the royal baby is imminent not not john imminent who used to be in um are you being served it's all

i might get to announce it what about what about if that then they'll play me back in years to come like you know like i spoke this morning with the german chancellor herr hitler don't say that not on a day like today. They'll have me instead announcing the birth of the royal baby. Imagine if they had to use it on News at Ten. You. Oh, I'd love that if you were first. And it's actually, they're at the Lindo Wing of St, what is it? St Mary's Hospital, which is where I used to have physio with Sharon.

I'm so part of this story. Strangest name drop of the morning. Give a shout out to Sharon the physio. I tell you, she's a good physio. Oh, right. She's good. I like, that's what I like. I don't like these people with whale music. I like people that smell of liniment. And that's the kind of woman she was. Frank, for someone who, you've got your own shows. You're quite successful on television.

You're regularly on television. I've never seen anyone get so excited by things like buildings on the television. That's just off the road from me. The most exciting thing you ever see on the television is not something like the surface of Mars. It's that chip shop round the corner. That's the only time I ever call Kath into the room.

Not like this incredible tribal area we'll never ever go to in our lives. It's Kath, Kath, that shop, look, just down there. That shop that we can see from the window is on the telly. The window link. I got very confused in the first link.

Across the UK on digital radio, Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Liam in Barnsley has texted us, Frank. Oh yeah. Or as he prefers to be known, 252. Yeah. Talking about buildings on TV,

they once did an episode of Homes Under the Hammer with a house on the end of my street, watched it about five times. That's excitement. Of course you would. You would. You see what, if I saw it, I'd probably go to... Where is he, Bradford?

Barnsley. Barnsley, I'd do it the other way around. Watch the programme five times and then go to Barnsley and see the original. Like people go to Erinsbury, you know, to see The Neighbours. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What is Houses Under The Hammer?

Homes Under The Hammer is a show that follows... Love it. ..property auctions. Oh, what a letdown. I thought it was a demolition show. That would be good too. But I think Fred did misstitch that up a long time ago. Yeah. I think you'd enjoy Homes Under the Hammer. Yeah. You would. Recently had an addition to the

presenting line-up in Dion Dublin. You're kidding me. Bit of time on your hands? Dion Dublin, former Aston Villa and Man United and Coventry City striker. Yeah. It's a curveball in the property programme presenting world, but that's what they've gone for. They often go into property investment, the footballers, don't they? Oh. They like to build up the portfolio. They love an en suite.

They didn't get rid of a presenter. They just added him to the roster. And is he the one that sits naked on the big swinging metal ball locking the walls down? Yeah. Like Millie. You know Millie Cyrus? Oh, yeah.

Millie. Lovely girl. Very lithe, she is. Very lithe. Oh, God, she's lithe. So, yes, I'm glad to hear Dion Doblin's getting work. It's not like the old days when they used to just become alcoholics

and be found in parks. Or run a pub. Well, that was first. You say that with a note of regret in your voice. Well, you know, you knew where you were. There was a guy, I won't name him, but he used to be on the opening credits of Match of the Day every week scoring a fantastic goal.

Oh, yeah. And I met one of his old teammates. I said, oh, where is he now? And he said he sells ice cream off a bike. Oh. Sorry to drag it all down guys Let's face it I could end up selling ice cream off a bike

It's not out of the question The modern divorce settlements So Hold on So I've been Today I'm very Cash dressed Just trust me on this one

You look like you're ready for a long-haul flight or something. Yes. We've all gone a bit building team in Homes Under the Hammer. Hashtag comfy. I think occasionally... Hashtag orcs. I think it's good to look, you know, a bit like you don't need to dress up. But you've got the brown hoodie, which I call your cad file.

Yes, exactly. And I'm enjoying it. Yeah. It's on its last day. I love it when I'm wearing the top. I think it's on its last hour. Yeah, well, maybe. But when I look at the top and I think, ooh, it's borderline this.

You know, I always smell my clothes in the morning. I think we all do. No, we don't. Oh. No, we don't. Oh, OK. They're probably folded in our wardrobes and anything dirty is at the dry cleaners. we all do. No, we don't. No, we don't. They're probably folded in our wardrobes and anything dirty is at the dry cleaners. Well, not clean ones, I doubt.

No, anything dirty is on the floor in the maybe another day pile. And I picked up today and when it's, you know, it's the last day oh, the freedom it gives you. I ate breakfast with complete abandon. Yeah, I wouldn't. Because who cares if I spill stuff on this?

That's its last day. How many days do you give the Cadphile hoodie as a reward? I've had this one about three weeks. Because you're always wearing T-shirts under a hoodie, the sweat never really reaches the inner fleece. Anyway, this is getting a bit technical. Yeah, we don't want to baffle people with science at this stage. You've got a trainer on, Frank.

I started a new TV series this week, filming it. It's not gone out yet, but I took on a completely different fashion look, which I'll share with you after these messages. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. So, I did, for the first time this week, I presented a television show wearing a pocket handkerchief.

Nice. Did you? Pocket handkerchief. It's a bit Lord Charles. Well, you're a pretty little thing, aren't you? I'm doing, you can't see at home, but I'm doing the slow blink that ventriloquist dummies always do. It's very convincing.

The unnerving slow blink. I used to love Lord Charles. Worked with him. Oh, I still do. Of course you did. Worked with him all. I like the... I remember the moment when Ray Allen opened...

He opened the box and there was, like, red velvet. And he pulled the red velvet back and there was Lord Charles lying in his box with a personal microphone on the lapel of the dummy. You know, we have a certain demographic of listener that's probably going to have to Google Lord Charles after this. They should do. They shouldn't miss out on his body of work.

Yeah, he was. It's quite foresighty in the little pocket hanky. I really like it. May I ask what fold you went for the pocket hanky? Did you go... Well, I didn't. Good question, Al. I didn't even touch it.

The wardrobe woman handled the whole operation. Not for the first time. Let's be honest. You've been around. It did occur to me. On a jacket with a... I know you get some jackets, the sort of 1950s school nerd jackets

that have got two breast pockets. But on the normal one, is the breast pocket all... You'll know this, Sam, you're in fashion. Is the breast pocket always on the left? I was going to say, you're in breasts. Is it always on the left? Oh, I'd be worried about committing to an answer.

I would suggest... Could you please give me a minute? Peer pressure. As they say in Southend. I would say it probably is on the left. It's aimed at the right-hander, I think. I think you're right. Well, surely most jackets, if they're double-breasted, it goes right, then left, so the left is the exterior flap.

I can't actually, unless you've got one with you, I can't conceive of a double-breasted jacket. I'm a bit sick, this conversation. I don't know why. Just try and imagine the operation of a double-breasted jacket. I don't know why this is so hard. I've gone bilious. I don't think of myself as an engineer or anything, but I'm really coping with this.

It's like when you're talking, you know when people say you talk about a spiral staircase, you have to do it with your finger, you have to do a spiral to talk about it. Right. You can't talk about a spiral staircase without demonstrating one. Double-breasted jacket. I need at least a diagram.

Do they come with a diagram? I can't remember. Do they come with instructions, like a flat pack? I don't think so. I haven't bought a double-breasted for her. No, well, who has, unless they were in Bogsy Malone. Good boy at school. I'm enjoying the extremes of your dressing, though. Yeah.

Because at the moment, it's all gone a bit sort of M&M leisure wear on Sunday. Gap. I think I'm looking a bit gap today. OK. And then, um, Ben, you're going for the actual hanky. Well, I actually wore, because we're filming outdoors, I wore a Mac. I actually wore a Mac and I wore a scarf. I wore a scarf and the wardrobe woman started to do that. You know that thing that blokes do with scarves

when they sort of fold it in two and put the other bit through it and they end up looking like... Who's the woman from Woman's Hour? Oh, Jenny Murray. Yeah, they look a bit Jenny Murray. There's a sort of middle-aged woman scarf that young men have started wearing. So their head emerges from a scarf like the MGM lion coming out the laurel wreath. I don't like that on a young man.

No. So I actually wore the scarf. I didn't even knot it. I just let it hang. Oh, dear. No, it looked fantastic. Really? just let it hang.

Oh, dear. No, it looked fantastic. Really? In fact, one of my colleagues on the show said to me, that's a great look for you. She said you look richer and more intelligent. Wow. How much was she being paid? Those are two things that you try so hard to play down.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. But I thought that's quite a good compliment, richer and more intelligent. I think that would be a good slogan for a fashion company. Look richer and more intelligent. Depends what area you're walking through that night. Obviously, but generally speaking, it's a good thing.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Riding Out. Apparently, just news, the waters have gone. That is unofficially confirmed yet. Well, it's not at all confirmed, they've just made it up. You can't just make up the news, Frank. They must have gone by now, aren't they, the Royal Waters?

Burley's still out there. Um, the Royal Waters have burst and apparently there was two swans came out. But you can't eat them, apparently. Owned by the Queen. So, um, is, if

the baby comes out, because it's in Royal Waters, is it owned by the Queen? Oh, good question. Is that today's texting? Maybe not. Maybe no. It's a horrible texting. I'll think of something worse than that. So yeah, so I wore an open neck

and a pocket handkerchief. An open neck is not good for me now because my throat, as I've pointed out in recent times, needs to be tethered if I'm working outdoors. It's blowing all over the place. You say that. I just took a photograph of you for the trendy new app called...

Yes, I said the words trendy new app. Not poetry news updates. No! It's called HowOld.net. Have you seen this? They did it on Kim Jong-un and he... I think it was 26 or something he came out as. He's boyish. Dictator

don't crack. That's what they say, isn't it? I did it this morning. On us. Oh God. Do you want to know what the ages were? What the results were? Is it good news or bad news? I do not want to know. Do you not want to know? Well, I meant... Okay. Frank Skinner, shall I do you first? Yes. 66. Is that what it first? Yes. 66.

Is that what it says? Yes. Oh, God. Well, now I do want to know. Can I just say that lighting was poor. Well, not poor enough. Alan Cochran, 41. Ouch.

Emily Dean, 32. Summit. Yeah. Oh, gone on here, isn't it? Emily obviously used a photo of when she was 32 When she was 16, more like Where she used a photo of me from the future You know that Frank Skinner in the future website?

It's gone to that I've never been happier I hate that It's a psychic brand to the fan club Photos from the future. Yeah, who needs it? Apparently I evolve into this giant headed thing with a brain

that you can see through a thin gossamer panel in my forehead. But all that's to come. So, spoilers! Spoilers! Do you think Darwin used to shout that? Spoiler alert.

Yeah. I wish he did. Every time he saw a chimpanzee, spoilers! Oh, dear. Of course, he's got the eyes of a chimpanzee, Darwin. Have you ever looked at a picture of Darwin? His eyes are absolutely chimpanzees.

Is that right? Are they? It's a simian, is it? Really? If you look at... You can see why he looked in the mirror and thought... Lovely hair, Darwin. Hold on a minute.

Now, he's bald, isn't he? No, he had little bits and bobs going. He had Robert Robinson things going on. Oh, yeah, but he had a good old beard on him. But his eyes are chimpanzees. Remember, it was a transplant. I don't think they did them then. I bet you he couldn't look in the mirror without going to himself.

And then one day he thought, there's money in this. There's a book in this. And also I stayed at a middle range hotel. That was a bit of an experience. I haven't stayed at a middle Range Hotel for a long time. I'd love to know what they're like. Well, I'll tell you that.

They made an effort, which I much appreciate them, as they say in Rome. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Water Boys, is that an omen? Water's a bird, it's going to be a girl, isn't it? Waterboys, is that an omen? Water's a bird, it's going to be a girl, isn't it?

Um, I don't wish to place gender ideals on children at this age. Is it an ideal? I'm not saying that would be a good thing or a bad thing. I listened to this horrible email. Oh, no, I don't want to hear horrible emails. It's not horrible. Okay. Make of it what you will. Ed says,

How old.net always deducts ten years from the age it thinks a woman is. Try it on all your friends. Cheers, Ed. So far, so bland. Yeah. Except for the PS. Still blowing up balloons for weight loss, Emily. You were for a while. No, thank you, because I've got a boyfriend now.

But thank you for your interest at this time. Well, I wonder if that's what you've replaced it with. Were you blowing up balloons? I don't remember that. I remember that. I can't talk. What were you... What was the blowing up balloons for? Do you remember when I went on that six weeks till OMG diet? Yeah.

You had to blow up balloons? Well, that you were meant to. Was it 30 breaths out? It's the idea that you fill them up with helium and then you hold them when you're on the scales No the idea The idea was that I think it would help with your abs It was exercise

And you went to have cold baths and black coffee I just did the black coffee bit I have baths in black Cold black coffee I think I find that fine And then on the B day with a bottle of champagne I don't diet anymore. Bob's your uncle.

I found it. No. I'm happy as I am. I am fiercely diet now. Yeah, I just, I'm on the cabbage patch diet. Cabbage patch? Yeah. Yeah, how's that going?

I just eat dandelions and caterpillars. Oh, yeah. It's all right. I don't like the furries. Getting your teeth. Anyway, I stayed at a middle-range hotel. It's all right. I don't like the furries. Getting your teeth. Anyway, I stayed at a middle-range hotel. It was perfectly fine. Made me feel like I was, you know,

Philip Larkin doing a poetry reading in 1961 somewhere in the north. Wouldn't he have stayed somewhere higher? No, he wouldn't have stayed anywhere nicer. Oh, he was a humble man. So there wasn't the money then on the circuit. So, uh... Not like poetry nowadays.

Not like poetry news updates, circuit. The manager very kindly came and met me at reception. And, um... Probably knew in advance you'd get lost if he didn't. Yeah, probably did. And he said, uh, we've put a little something in your room. Excellent. Well, of course.

Ah! I was, um... I hope it wasn't a lady of the knife. Well, of course, I was... I hope it wasn't a lady of the night. No, no. My suits. Not with my knees. He said, we put a fruit bowl in there, and I thought, oh, lovely.

And I went in, and there was a bowl in there, and it had just a big three. Oh, yeah. Apple, orange, banana. Excellent. Oh, yeah. Just a big three, though, yeah. Apple, orange, banana. Excellent. Oh, yeah. Just the big three, though. I mean, oh, man.

Paired down. I mean, there wasn't a pair. Paired down to the very minimum. Because any less than apple, orange, banana, it's not a fruit bowl anymore. Of course it's not. It's an afterthought. It's just fruit in a bowl, but...

It's a packed lunchbox, is what it is. I did a show at Teddington Lock once. There was a pineapple in the fruit bowl. Is this you name-dropping about buildings again? Honestly, as if anyone ever... Five minutes, Mr. Skelly. I'm just finishing this pineapple. And I was blown away.

I told everyone when I did a show at Teddington Lock there was a pineapple. Next week, I went in there. I hadn't said anything to them. Yeah. Went in there next week. There were fruit bowls. Coconut.

No. I mean, come on. No hammer. Week after that was a can of lilt. That'd be a good show. Coconuts under the hammer. In which people, you know, especially that one

week, say the Christmas special, when they don't take the milk out first, they just lay straight into it and smash the whole thing, flying all over the place. Crazy. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. At some of the more high-end establishments, which I'm fairly, I frequent quite often, as you both know,

you get a lychee in the fruit bowl. Well, if you like cheese, you'll love these. That's what they used to say. Yeah, I'm all right with a lychee. Yeah? There's an element, if you close your eyes, like you're eating a human eyeball. Lovely. But I don't mind that.

Medieval dates I've had. I've had a date in a posh hotel. Yeah, we've... Don't tell my wife Now, Kath Kath, my partner, eats I would say at least a dozen Majeule dates every day I've never known anyone who eats so many dates in my life

It's like living with a camel And that's just the smell of urine But when it gets to the But when it gets to the... But when it gets to the day... No, but she does... I want... I don't know if there's any scientists listening, but I... I doubt it very much.

There must be. Not anymore. They're still reeling from my Darwin revelation. He does look simian, though. He does look... I just looked him up on the Googles. He's got chin pies. Lovely, though. Remember that song,

Betty Dave, His Eyes? Yeah. There was a Charles Darwin version for his anniversary. I've just found a picture of him in a bowler hat. He's got chim-pies in his eyes. Yes. That's when he did the PG Tips. So,

what I didn't like about the Midrange Hotel is that it had in the shower oh yeah it's i say show that thing over the bath it had um body wash and shampoo was the same thing oh yeah and i always think i'm gonna get dandruff in those cases so when i was a kid i used to wash my face in soap and i just used to keep going and wash my hair in the same soap oh that's where it's gone and I don't think it's a good thing

oh I've never used the shampoo provided by the hotel what really why would I use that on specialist needs yeah well I when I was at the Disneyland hotel every little bottle of product got Mickey Mouse ears on the top. Oh, I love that.

I mean, come on. What about the cotton buds, though? How big were they in Disneyland? I don't know if they were. I haven't used a cotton bud since about 85, 86. That's right. I always imagine that I'll slip, catch my elbow on the medicine cabinet, and the thing will go straight in there and pierce my brain.

You know, it's worth thinking about. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8 12 15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

That number again, 3594011. What's that from? I don't know, it's just a made-up number. It's sort of thing the DJs... It's gone a bit local radio. Yeah. I like it when you go LR. Thanks.

We don't often visit Football Corner on this show. No, well... That's part of your earlier body of work. Yes. But attention must be paid to the Leicester City manager. I believe it's Nigel Pearson. It is. I loved him this Nigel Pearson. It is. I loved him this week.

Oh, me too. Are you an ostrich? That's what he said to a journalist. Yes. During this quite bizarre post-match conference, news conference. But it was such a strange insult, which is what I liked.

It was a bit like when Frank called Chico a foolish devil on this show. Did he? Yes. I forgot that. Well, he's under pressure, Nigel Pearce, and his team are near the bottom of the table. Right. And he just lost. But yeah, it was

a strange thing, are you? He lost by having been ahead as well, I think that might have been part of the problem. I felt that the journalist had been ostracised. Well done, Frank. Thanks very much. He is capable of that, Nigel Pearson.

I find him very captivating as a post-match interview because he's not... Calm down, Dan. He doesn't seem stupid. He does quite an intelligent thing where he pauses, so he's quite articulate. He sort of has that pause and then he'll carry on speaking. Well, he's articulate, but he does also look like he could

take a man apart with his bare hands. Well, articulate. I love that as a combination. You just described my dream man. And spiky, yeah. And he's having my Nigel Pearson. They're the big two. Yes, it's very engaging. I find it extremely watchable. It was strange, Al, when he said, in his apology, he said,

I'd like to apologise for last night, Ian. Which I thought sounded like an altogether different kind of apology. It sounded like he'd provided insufficient aftercare. Well, he apologised, but then... Did you read the journalist's response to the... He said, fair play to him. Well, first of all, how journalistic is this? This is a response to a heartfelt apology.

He said the 51-year-old handled himself well enough. He actually called him the 51-year-old. Who would ever do that? And also, handled himself well enough. Is there anything worse than when someone opted for the apology and it's not quite accepted very well? I hate the person then. Then I for the apology and it's not quite accepted very well, I hate the person then. Then I regret the apology

and I wanted to do something I really should apologise for. I'm not thinking of anyone in particular, by the way, Kath, if you're listening. He also called him daft, which I'd forgotten still existed as a word. Daft. Yeah. Yeah. He must have called him a bit of a nit.

He did. Or a burp. He called him stupid, which was a bit much, wasn't it? Are you stupid? Well, are you stupid? He's not calling someone stupid, is he? That's an inquiry. And I liked it when he got quite forensic.

He said, have you got your head in the sand? Could you bend over and put your head into the sand? Are you that flexible? I am. That's what he said. Are you that flexible? I also like like that he said i wanted to apologize straight away in front of the cameras which is very 70s in front of the cameras it's sort of smartphones now on the flexibility front yes um i remember an ex-arsenal player telling me that um

me too very early after yes but i i wasn't i had had my clothes on. He said that when Arsene Wenger first joined the club, he got them all together, all the players together, and he started talking about the importance of stretching exercises. And Arsene Wenger, who even at that stage must have been in his 50s, I would have thought, when he first joined Arsenal, easily, he put his joined Arsenal, easily. He put his feet behind his head. Oh.

Which is, maybe you can do that, Al, because you do a lot of the martial arts. I mean, it's well beyond me. I don't want to think about that, quite honestly. Yeah, well, I don't even try. If I found out I could, I mean... You'd never see me again. That'd be the end of this job. Where's Frank?

He's just bought a little flat somewhere in the country. Do they have flats in the country? Maybe not. I don't know what you'd put under them. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Kay Burley's getting a lot of mileage out of the bookmakers, isn't she? Yes, there's all sorts of bets. Some of it's going to be a boy or a girl. I believe the normal things. If you don't have much morning sickness, it's a girl. And the first time she had loads of morning sickness, I think it was a boy. That's what I'm thinking.

Who can say? If it's an emphrodite, it'll be all hushed up. That'll never come. We'll never know about that. Unbelievable. Well, it's... You make my words. Even me saying that now, if it is an emphrodite.

Strange song. You make my words come alive. Where's the end of the sentence? You make my words. Is that what I said? Yeah, you make my words come alive where's the end of my words most horrible ballad i've ever heard my words my frank skinner there oh i've met such a fool of myself i can't breathe you know when you can't breathe you're that embarrassed you can't that's how embarrassed I am. Yeah, that's so um, I, it made me

a bit nostalgic, that Nigel Pearson story for sort of when I didn't really know anyone who swore when I was a young, a youth, a child. How did your family not swear? We weren't allowed to swear in the house in case God killed us. And so...

You didn't have dinner parties either. No, we didn't. Do we wreck? We didn't always have dinner. We never had a party. I remember one party in my house and it was my sister's engagement party. Oh, I'd love to have gone to that.

And they rolled up the carpet, tipped beer on the floor to make twisting easier. You know, that dance, the twist. Alan's absolutely lost it. There were different times. I remember Pam, who was a friend of Anne Orris. The twist? Where was this?

What else have you done? A glimpse of stocking. This was the 60s. OK. Even then, a glimpse of stocking was thought of as something shocking, but heaven knows, anything goes. Yeah, she looked like Barbara Windsor. Pam, I remember.

And even as a child, I used to think she was beautiful. Do I all children think Barbara Windsor is? I think Barbara Windsor will be at the birth. Near enough, isn't it? Windsor. Okay. Yeah, but it made me think, because my sister used to call... Oh, Nora.

Yeah, who still does this, though. If I... She'll call me a silly article. Nice. Oh, how cute is that? Yeah, and those... I love her. Those non-swearing sort of insults have gone a bit,

like daft and nitwit and nincompoop I don't think we ever used. No, not often. I bet our kids are a bit bluer Daft and Nick Witten. Nink and Poop I don't think we ever used. No, not often. I bet our kids are a bit bluer on the language front. Yes, he is a tad. But Nink and Poop I think has been spilt by the adoption of the Americanism poop for defecation.

So Nink and Poop now sounds like some... Horrible conversation we're having. It sounds like no income. It sounds like no income poop, like the excrement of the homeless. And I don't think it's fair to call anyone that. So, well, not the homeless, but the unimplied. It's unimplied excrement is nincompoop. So that's why it's gone out of circulation, if anyone was wondering.

No, it's not if anyone was wondering. But I, if anyone- No, it's not if anyone was wondering. At all. Probably not. If, um, if anyone can remember any of those non-swearing insults of yesteryear, though, like knit and stuff like that. Oh, yeah. Twerp. What about Burke? See, twerp. I love Burke. Yeah, I'm, I think I'm gonna have to, um, I'm gonna have to hold the conversation on that one, because I think there's a dark side to that. Oh, is there? I do apologise.

But I'll explain when the music's on. Twerp has been spied on by Twerk. Has it? I think people think now, if you called anyone a twerp, they'd think you were making a Milly Cyrus. Why do you keep saying Milly? To me, it's more of a twerp. It's Miley. Her name's Miley. Did you see her armpits this week?

I did not. No, I haven't been intimate with her. She's grown her armpit hair and dyed it pink. Has she? It's trouble. Armpit hair is so wasted as a fashion thing. If any popular music artist was going to do that, you'd expect it to be pink,

wouldn't you? Is she still alive? I don't know what's happened with pink. Is she still alive? Yes, what did you think had happened? The trouble is with pink, am I right in saying that her hair was pink, generally? I think so. That was her shtick initially, wasn't it?

It's difficult as you get a hold of it, isn't it? With the pink hair? Well, it just becomes a bit pink rinse then, it just becomes a bit Coronation Street. It just becomes a bit Coronation Street. It's harder to carry it off in that sort of raunchy, sort of potty mouth way that pink used to do it. Never really sure about pink. When I think of pink, I think of newly born gerbils.

Where's the rock and roll in that? That's today's texture. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Do you remember earlier on this show this morning, and I accused you of going a bit local radio? Is it possible to remember anything other than earlier?

Oh, shut up. 832, you need to hear that more often in your life. You're telling. 832 has texted us to say Frank has gone all local radio. 359- 401. Was the football phone-in number on BRMB in the 80s. Wow.

That's from Peter. Because I honestly thought I'd plucked that number out of the air. And it was BRNB, which goes to Birmingham radio station. Football phone-in. Yeah. With Tony Butler. 359-40- double. It's all coming back to me now.

They're probably doing a phone-in this week. Are you an ostrich phone-in? I bet they are. I bet they are doing that. I'd like to apologise to Tony for last night. That's what you'll say. There might be a couple of Kiwis phoning. It did occur to me that perhaps Nigel Pearson,

as manager of Leicester, is asking, are you an ostrich, because he's in charge of the foxes. He's probably thinking... They're not nature's natural enemies, though, are they? The fox and the ostrich. Wouldn't a fox have an ostrich? Didn't you read that Aesop's fable about the fox and the ostrich? The fox and the ostrich.

A fox walking along and he sees... What about the fox came in my house yesterday? What? I couldn't believe it. I was on the phone to my boyfriend, the door was open, I went, there's a fox. I saw this orange... In the house?

Yes, I've just remembered that. Wow, that's horrible. It was only brief. What a brief fox. Yeah, but you know I like a foxy bingo, and he didn't have the jacket on. There's one that comes in our garden now and again, and I don't know if he's been drinking.

I tell you, I hear it. He's been drinking. A fox has been drinking. But I'm in the garden, and I sort of hear... walking into the water tank and then into the... It's back-sided in the shed. I don't know if it sees me and goes into a panic.

I never think of foxes panicking. They seem like cool customers. Oh, yeah, especially the ones in the three-piece suit. I can imagine the fox in Aesop's fable, what he does is he rips the head off the ostrich, eats it and then just puts the neck in the sand so someone will come along who knows the ostrich, be chatting away thinking he'll put his head out in a minute

we could be alright. And in the end they give him a nod, he just falls over and it's just severed tendons. That's Aesop, that was his late night fable. Yeah, it was Aesop Nights. I love Aesop Nights. We've also had some suggestions for polite language when not swearing.

Mark in York says, my sister still calls me a buffoon. Yeah, that's interesting, because that's quite a posh one, isn't it? Buffoon, I think. I think it was on this show that you described Justin Bieber as a very great fool. And that stayed with me. That's reasonable, isn't it? Oh, and I found out the name. Well, actually, they do have flats in the country, I should say.

This is from 277. They have flats in the country? Dear Frank, Alan and Emily, we do have flats in the country. However, they are only ever singular and we tend to call them bungalows. I hope this helps. That's 277. That's an interesting idea, bungalows, flat. What about a treehouse?

That's a sort of a country flat. Yeah. Yeah. Hmm. Of course, I always wear flats in the country. Yeah. Because we're filming quite a lot in the country now and this thing I'm doing, I've gone very much...

My look is generally sort of Diary of an Edwardian Lady. Nice. Lots of tweeds and the pocket handkerchief. Lovely, it really is. It makes me feel, you know, like one of those people that live in the country. I feel I should start, you know, drink driving. Something of that.

By the way, if you're listening, never do that. If you do that, I'll hate you for the rest of your life. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've had some missives in regarding Imperial Leather Oh yeah Someone's tweeted us, someone called Blueview Don't like the sound of him

Not sure where Frank shops I got this in Dublin two weeks ago Hashtag shop around And there is a photograph of a bar of Imperial Leather somewhat perished, I have to say, but in the centre, in the central area. With the silver sticker.

Yeah, there is the sticker. See, in case you missed the show, I think it was last week, what I've always loved about Imperial Leather as a soap is that it's got the silver sticker, which means it doesn't melt underneath the soap, doesn't wash away, so you get like a little plinth to keep your soap on, it's got the silver sticker, which means it doesn't melt underneath it, the soap doesn't wash away. So you get like a little plinth to keep your soap on. It stops getting all mushy. But the recent one I bought didn't have it anymore.

It just had it embossed, as so many soaps do. Clearly, there's a bit of old stock in Dublin. Yeah. It's rather rude. Maybe remained stock, perhaps. Maybe since he got that job on Holmes Under the Hammer. Yeah. Rather rude. Maybe remained at stock, perhaps. Maybe since he got that job on Holmes Under the Hammer. So maybe they've got a different policy in Ireland that they have here.

But the one I bought, it was from a well-known supermarket. Poundland. No, it was a bigger one than that. And there was no sticker, trust me. Sticker-free. Moshy as all the other soaps on the base. Well, Stuart has emailed us to say the sticker on the imperial leather

is on the other side of the bar to the engraving, but I agree it's gone downhill since the 80s. The sticker used to be foil, it came in a cardboard envelope, and the soap was far better. Yes, now I'm not saying... I mean, I'm a thorough character in some way. Certainly, I looked on the other side of the soap in case it was there.

That would have been... To have given up only looking at one side of the soap. Yeah, you'd have felt like a fool, wouldn't you? I mean, you know... That's all I'm saying to that. And we had an email as well about... All good things come in threes. We had an email about Imperial Leather.

We did, yeah. I wish someone from Imperial Leather would clear up this sticker gate. I have that email here. Further to last week's shock announcement about the demise of the label on the Imperial Leather soap, I wonder whether anyone else remembers its TV commercial strapline, the soap that

rests on its name. I'm fairly confident this is correct. But as a long-time reader, have resisted the urge to Google for verification. Josephine. That is, well, that's good on so many grounds. I'm glad. It glad Clever isn't it

Because it rested on its name Elbow Elbow could use that Elbow the band The band that rests on its name Very good That's a fairly clean example Very clean

Well done for not Googling that. You know, we encourage on this show that you only Google that which you do not know, not that which you cannot remember, because the brain will remember, and then it's good for the brain, and also you'll feel elated. Only yesterday I was speaking to Daisy Knight, the show's producer. Oh, she gets a surname this week. Uh-oh. Daisy Knight!

And she was telling me that in the middle of the night, as it were, she... I go working in my sleep. That's one of your favourites, mate. Yeah, I do. That's one of the ones that's in my head all the time. Oh, I love it when you sing that. The river of... Anyway, Piano Man.

And she was telling me that she couldn't remember the name of the man who directed Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Married Madonna and all that. And God bless her, she did not Google it. She lay awake and lay awake and squeezed out Guy Ritchie from the recesses of her brain. How did he feel about that? He was drunk. He didn't even know what was happening.

So, I think that's brilliant. I do. Well done, Daisy. And another fabulous intimate moment at that same conversation. We were at breakfast in a cafe and I said... Are we at breakfast? Never mind. Nice, isn't it? I was

available. To be honest, I don't... I won't cook when she comes back Never mind. Nice, innit? I was available. To be honest, I don't I won't cook when she comes back to mine. You've got that fox there, haven't you, going out with the gins? Exactly. So, um, I said today, we were in a nice

cafe. Oh, yeah. She had coffee and all that. I'm glad you gave a good aftercare. And I said, uh, is my nose clean? And she said, no. Oh! You're joking. And I said, thank you very much. And I, uh, I set about it. Uh- Set about it? Yeah, you know. Like that guy that, uh, set about the guy outside, um, Glasgow Airport will set about you. No, but I- No, but how lovely to have a friend who'll tell you straight

that you've got a dirty nose. I mean, I had to ask whether she would have brought it up, I don't know. Yeah, she might have just left you for the full day. But that's what friends are for. I remember working with a bloke and I had something on my nose and he said to me, can you take this document down to the dye department? He sent me the other side of the factory. I had to go through about three different...

Probably past 30 people. And then I dropped him off there, went back, come all the way back. And when I got... He was having a laughing fit. I said, what are you laughing at? He said, they didn't need it. He said, you've just got a big thing on your nose. Did you set about it?

Actually, I killed him. Not deliberately, but I hit him not deliberately but I hit him as hard as I could hit him and as he fell he's headed to a Xerox machine but they said it was self defence I meant never to bring it up on this show that was a personal

flaw This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Yeah We've had an email, Frank Just the one that's tremendous From Tom Archer Tom Archer? Yeah, and he's from Southampton

Okay There's quite a lot of information I've given about him. I hope there's no fraudulent activity on his bank accounts now as a result of that. I shouldn't think so. I had an elderly relative who had a magnet on the wall above the sink. It used to hold the soap by the metal tag to keep it dry. I always wondered if that was an official piece of merchandise or a stroke of genius. You're kidding.

What, imperial leather? Imperial leather. That's why my dad called it leather. Imperial leather would actually take a magnet. Yeah. I seem to recall elderly friends that we had having a similar operation. That, there must be one of those on eBay.

If it's official imperial leather wall clamp, magnetic wall clamp, I'm going to eBay that. I want one of those. Well, our bathroom has a little magnet. One of our bathrooms got just the three. Anyway. You've got three bathrooms? Yeah.

Like Dwight York. It played down Mr Normal. Three bathrooms. Yeah. Well, it's because they love an en suite up there, don't they? Do they? They do. I mean, the one that I'm discussing is actually more of a utility room, but it's very functional.

That's where you've got your white goods. Yeah. Oh, yeah. There's some white goods in there. Okay. You've got a nice utility area. Has he? Has he got a nice utility area?

Just off the kitchen. It's immaculate. Yes, it is. It's, uh, it's beautiful. How has it got a little, uh... But you know what it hasn't got? What? A magnet. A metallic, uh, imperial leather war clamp. Yeah. And, uh, I don't know how this came about, but for a little while, we would take a bottle top,

you know, like a bottle top that you may take off a beer. Oh, yeah. Stick it in the top of a soap. Boom. There you go. Soap held. Of course, of course. Yeah, but what about the rusty leaf that's going to form on it?

What about when you forget it? I mean, I gouged my own face. That was the problem. That's the problem. Accidentally. When you forget, you come in dark. Oh, rusty bottle top. You just think, I'll just have a wash downstairs before I go up to bed. Oh, my God.

Next thing you know, there's blood all over your hands. I mean, who wants to think about that? What about if Janet Jackson came round post-Super Bowl with the metallic nipple cap? Walks into your utility room. She'd be drawn there. Saying, I'll just give that stage outfit a quick spin and it'll be... And going in there and suddenly, wow!

And she's just socked across the room by magnetism. Absolutely. I mean, imagine it. Where's Timberlake then? Nowhere. That's why we're only pen pals now. We don't see each other in the flesh. She's still alive, isn't she, Janet Jackson? I love it. She was your pen pal.

She's the one that's still alive. If she was your pen pal, I would love that. I'd love that. Janet Jackson. Aren't you an ostrich? Yeah. I imagine that she uses the star-shaped nipple clamp to press the seal on the envelopes

when she sends letters to pen pals. When she sends letters to Seal. Yeah, and to Seal. And Seal uses the face scars he puts straight into the wax. So you know that you're getting the real thing. Real deal. You get the real deal with seal. The way they live in those people.

I had a sealed letter from Lemmy, and he put the two moles in. Good for him. I used it as a double egg cup. For years. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Emily Dean and Alan Cochran are with me this morning. Please text the show on 81215 or, if you'd prefer, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. If you've got itchy keyboard fingers, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Keyboard fingers. I'm trying to make it more human. Is that a sequel to Edward Scissorhands?

Keyboard fingers. It's more thumbs, isn't it, with the smaller devices. Oh, yeah. True. But if you're emailing, of course, it could be on a smaller device. True. You know, I taught myself to text with my thumbs because I realised it made me look older.

Yes, I agree with that. If I use my fingers, don't you think? I wanted to look like the youth. All right. No, you're quite... I've done that and the extensive facial surgery. I use a mother-of-pearl stylus, which I have on a chain around my neck.

And I get stared at sometimes doing that. I did want a monkey's finger. Oh, yeah. Where did you get that from? Charles Darwin? Yeah, I think that'd be quite good, though. A monkey's finger that you use for texting. Yeah.

Every text I sent just said Really? For a little while, though, if you text for long enough it'll do the complete works of Shakespeare for you Yeah exactly, but I just don't know I don't have that kind of time Anyway, we need to speak about arguably a case of identity theft

There's a story where a couple's engagement photo appeared on the cover of an erotic novel. Can I stop you there? Oh, yes. Yes, you may. Are you going to talk about Kay Burley?

No. What is an engagement photo? I agree. Perplexing. But that's perhaps my own personal story. Oh, it's very American tradition, isn't it? They take an engagement photo. What is exactly what it says it is, Frank? But do they have an engagement photographer

who comes around when you get engaged and takes photos? I think some people announce when they're engaged. I mean, I never really got engaged. They have parties and all sorts. You have to bring presents. My sister actually has an engagement party, as I told you, when the carpet went up and the beer went on the floor.

Oh, yeah. There you go. Do you think they did that in the States? Just poured... But this, these characters, John and Jane Rowe, corpses in CSI, they are extraordinary outfit choices for the engagement photo. I know this isn't the point of the story, but it is for me,

which is that he was wearing a horrible Czech shirt and she had a jumper with elbow patches on. Yes, jumper with elbow patches is always a good sign in a woman. Sickening. With elbow patches on. Yes, jumper with elbow patches is always a good sign in a woman. I, um... Sickening. Yes. I don't really understand the theory behind engagement at all. Well...

It used to be like a legal contract, didn't it? People could be sued, usually men, sued for breach of promise. But now, why does it exist? It's a bit like the Star Wars trailer, isn't it? It's the man saying hands off. Isn't that how it works, like the Star Wars trailer? It's a bit like there is a bigger thing coming. Yeah. But this is a little teaser for it. Yeah, yeah. But now that engagements have

been elongated so much, they're not... Well, have they been elongated? Sometimes. They never even come around to a wedding, though. That's it. Some of these people are engaged forever. Yeah. But I don't... But forever. But what's it about now? I don't want to do it down. I know the jewellery industry in this country is not having a good time. About it. Why do they have it?

Marriage, I can understand, because it's a tax thing. You old romantic. I'm amazed that engagement still exists. I'm amazed that it hasn't disappeared with the eternity ring. Yeah, I'm with you. I mean, my wife and I, as I think I've told you before, we didn't even have a proposal. We basically had a conversation that got out of hand.

And then three months later, we were married. That was it. We just went and chatted. I don't get it. So there's no real engagement. Don't get me wrong. One of my favourite words ever is fiancé. Oh, I love that word.

You do love a French fiancé. Oh, but fiancé. And what about a trousseau? Love that. Well, I like the idea of a fiancé and an église. Who doesn't? That as a combination. I was reading...

This time of the morning, it's a bit early, but yeah. I was reading Vikram Seth's The Golden Gate, you know, his verse poem, where he talked about he went back with this woman and then she stepped out the next morning in a negligible negligee. Nice. Oh, crazy.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We've just had a text come in that I think refers to Nigel Pearson from earlier in the show. From 000. We don't often get that, do we? We do the last three.

That's weird. For new listeners, readers. Is that the first person to ever have a phone it seems that way uh they've texted when big nige played for wednesday very over familiar isn't it yeah i mean there's so much over familiarity just in that big nige and wednesday yeah um when big nige played for for Wednesday during a League Cup semi at Blackburn, he tried to run off a broken leg, eventually had to be subbed and spent the next few months in a pot. That's good. In a pot? Yeah. You know, a pot as in a plaster cast. A sticky

for our Scottish listeners. Oh, okay. I didn't know that. I know all the words for plaster cast, it seems. I've only ever broke a finger, you see. I've never had the big break. Is that right? Is that your worst break? Big break. It's a good weekend for big break, isn't it? It is. By the way, earlier Emily mentioned the fact that according to the

what's the app called? The age app? Howold.net. Howold.net. I look 66. Turns out she'd pressed the dog ears button. Oh. So that's cleared that up. Easy mistake to make. And also one of our readers has tweeted us to say that her dad is actually 66,

and he got 86. On that app? That's Jane, yeah. So she says not to worry, Frank. Well, what's it up to, that thing? Is it trying to push us over the edge? Seems that way, doesn't it? Anyway, we were discussing the

Rows. Jane and John Rowe. Jane and John Rowe, who ended up on the cover of A Gronking to Remember, named after a particular move that the American footballer Rob Gronkowski does. So not rude. It sounds rude,

but it isn't rude. It does sound rude. Well, they know it sounds rude. Come on. Yeah, why don't they? I hate them. Do you? No. Is that for using their picture? They use their picture on the set. I hate the rose. I hate the Gronkenheim bloke. I hate the bloke that wrote it. What's happened to you? I do hate everyone

involved in this. Oh, you began this show in such high spirits. Who on earth would ever in a million years read an erotic novel? Is that the time? Anyway. Well, is that any way to talk to your friend and co-host? Yeah. I don't read erotic fiction.

Who would read it? Not forever by Judy Blume, yeah? Oh, I love that. Who reads it? Who didn't? Hashtag forever. If you want something erotic, you don't think I'll read a novel of that. Well, ladies do.

They don't. They do, Frank. Why don't they mind their own business? Eroticism is our area. Mind their own business. Eroticism is our area. Have you seen yourself? Look, I'm not empathetic and caring. It's not your area right now.

I don't interfere in empathetic and caring. They should stay away from eroticism. Okay, where were we? Well, they've created a lawsuit. It's just sordid and horrible. Why do... Ladies have needs as well. They don't.

Do they? Yes. I think I'm going to have to rush home. Ladies enjoy... I want to keep this show clean. Yes. Ladies enjoy the written word when dealing with things of an erotic nature.

Is that right? Apparently more than the man who is more visually stimulated. I just think if you're going to read something, read something worthwhile, not an erotic novel. You know, you see them sometimes in train stations and stuff. Yeah. And they've got a woman sometimes in a negligee on the cover. Yeah.

And you think somebody reads that. They take the trouble of moving their eyes from one side of the column to the next. As opposed to opening a laptop. I don't mind people reading rubbish, generally speaking, but not erotic, not... Come on. Come on! No, I mean, come on! Anyway.

Well, this book's gonna be, um... I know what you're thinking. What about a nice nin? There'll be people at home saying, what about a nice nin? Yeah. Yeah? Well... What about her? I'm not here for anagrams. Carry on. Oh, actually, we're supposed to play adverts.

Oh, okay. If we're playing an advert now for an erotic novel, I'm going to look pretty stupid. Yeah. The vicar, the vicar's saliva. Out next week. That's not what you call that. The vicar's saliva from Picador. Whoa. Picador presents. That's not what you called that. The Vicar's Saliva from Picador. Whoa.

Picador presents... Steady on, Frank. The Vicar's Saliva. And then they'll have an extract. Oh, Mrs Baxter, the button on your nylon overall is undone. I mean, who wants that in their life? Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. We've been talking quite a bit about soap this morning. Yes, we have, yeah. Can I ask you a question? I'm just checking if this was a regional thing or if it happened in your world. Because you represent the North and the South and I represent the Midlands. It's one of the nice things about this

combo. Yeah. We cater for all areas, don't we? Is I... Did you used to do that thing of putting... If you didn't have any gel, you'd put conditioner on your hair and leave it on and use it like gel. Did you ever do that?

I personally have not done that. Have you heard of it as a phenomenon? I have. Well, no, I've heard about the punks putting soap on their hair. Soap water's very good for stiffening. ever do that uh i personally have not done that have you heard of it as a phenomenon i have well no i've heard about the punks putting soap on soap water is very good for this yeah yeah but not not conditioner as a gel no not here's one what about washing your hair with talcum powder oh i've heard of um yes i've heard of ladies putting talcum powder into greasy hair to make it look drier. Yeah, but that was in the Vicar's Saliva. Yeah, it was. Talcum powder is used as dry shampoo.

You're absolutely right, Frank Skinner. There you go. Yeah. And the sequel to the Vicar's Saliva is the one when he has a relationship with his cleaner. It's called Spitting Polish. Of course, my dad, as I think I must have said on here before, he'd be getting himself ready to go out, get the suit on and all that,

just put his fingers in the butter dish and put it straight onto his hair. We had some Glaswegian friends we used to go and stay with and the dad used to dip his comb in the chip fat. Which was permanently on the stove, as you seem to recall. And the whole family, we used to wet the toothbrush. This is when we started using one, in our 20s.

Wet the toothbrush, a bit of salt, and that's how we'd clean our teeth. And you still do that? I haven't done it for a while. It gets to the gums after a bit. I must admit, it's fairly intense. I don't know if you've ever eaten raw seagull. That's very salty on the out-of-cross stings. Is it?

Anyway. Anyway. Hey, there's been a dramatic upswing in the standard of living in the cockerel household recently. Has there? What, one appearance? I never got news for you. Yeah, and the whole game has changed. I've started throwing money at the problem.

I have spent £20, which beforehand seemed like an astronomical amount of money. I know. Let me talk you through what went wrong. Okay. And we kept it wrong for quite a while. The select button in the middle of the sky, remote control, you know what I'm talking about. Oh, I know what you're talking about.

We're all on board. I'm gathering the listeners. You know what I mean? That became inconsistent. It was perhaps working maybe two or three times out of ten or twenty. You couldn't depend on it. Was it a faux selector? Extremely frustrating.

Oh, yes. By nature, I'm quite lazy, so sometimes I'd be scrolling through and I'd just press select. I see you as quite a remote-dependent character. It'd be, you know... I seem us quite remote. I think I watched... And dependent.

I think I watched several episodes of In the Night Garden when I was after Match of the Day just because it had started and I thought there's no way I can go back and use this select button. It'll take me ten minutes. Don't tell me you're watching that with a beer. That's very depressing. Someone drinking watching In the Night Garden. Well, once something starts, you think, oh, this'll do.

No, because Louis van Gaal and Eagle Piggle... Yeah, never see them in the same room. Never in the same room. In fact, I've never seen Eagle Piggle in a room. No. I mean, I've seen him... He's an outdoors character, isn't he? I've seen him aboard the plinky-plonk,

but it's more of a, you know, a cabin or compartment than an actual room. You're right, of course. Anyway. Boat, small boat, small open boat. Sleeps in an open boat. You've got to have a pretty sound nervous system. Could you really rest in an open boat?

Of course I couldn't. Look at me. No, not me. Need more than a security blanket to get me through that. True enough. Sir, £20 for a not me. Need more than a security blanket to get me through that. True enough. So, £20 for a new remote. Seemed like a lot. That's a lot. But, oh my goodness.

Where do you buy a remote from? Well, that's it. I don't know. My wife does that. I've got, I don't like to call her staff, but I've got staff for such things. I imagine the shop is way out of town. Yeah, I think it's online. On an industrial estate. Yeah. Yeah. It's a remote of town. Yeah. I imagine. It's online. On an industrial estate. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a remote location. Very good. They sent us it and, oh. And is it like the old one or is it a newfangled? I think there's a thing where you do a code. I don't know. All of that happened before I got access to it. Oh, that's the lovely thing about marriage.

Oh, I'll tell you what. Has it changed you? Is it a life changer? Sometimes. As it were. I press play on a thing and then I think. No, it's a channel change. Sometimes I press play on a thing and then I think- No, it's a channel change. Sometimes I press play on a thing and I think, I don't even want to watch this.

I'm going to go back and now I'll just start watching something else because I know the select button is there and- Oh, it's so responsive. It's so responsive. You don't appreciate them. Till they've gone. Well, that's it. It's like wives.

It's here. But you don't- Just like wives. You don't miss the water till the well runs dry. Oh, brilliant. I mean, I lost all sound on my telly. And I often watch telly mute. Comedy often on telly, I'll watch mute.

Especially the modern comedians, Frank, who I believe you're not a fan of. Not a fan of. No, I've got nothing against them. There's none that you envy. We should... No, but I'm sure they don't envy me either. Ha ha.

But when you can't get the sound... Oh, no. You want it. You really want the sound then. And it's like being alone and being lonely. That's the difference. You're right. What about when my telly was stuck on BBC TV the other day

and I couldn't get anything else? Well, it could have been worse. I was so cultured. How much worse could it have been? It could have been ITBB. Could have been non-snooker season. Good time to have BBC Two on. That's all I'm saying.

Think of the things it could have been. If your TV was stuck on one channel, what would you like it to be? Russia Today. That's all we really watch now, to be honest. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Can I say, before we go on, a couple of thank yous. One to Karen Kay. Karen Key, who wrote all the way from Perth in Australia,

to say that me talking about the fountain pen has completely rekindled her love of fountain pen. That's lovely news. And she's written the letter in fountain pen. Oh, that's nice. This is a revolution starts here. Yeah. Keep your Russell Brand. What about the fountain pen brigade?

Is that your only thank you? Have you got a little list of... No, I've got a couple. Can I say that also she does she did Pittman shorthand. That is something I've got a couple. Can I say that, also, she did Pittman's Shorthand. That is something I've often dreamt of. Oh, yeah. What a lovely thing to have that. That's something you've dreamt of? Yeah, Pittman's... Aim higher.

Oh, no, be good. See, it's a bit old-fashioned, but when I'm writing me erotic novels, I don't like to leave them around, in case they get read by the children. Can you imagine his erotic novel? Yes, a guy called Tim from Catford sent me a thing

called Lost and Found, a DVD which he assures me my child will love. Lost and Found, do you know it? No. I'll give you a sort of... Are you sure that's not something you watch late at night with your bottle of wine?

No. Like when you're watching In the Night Garden? I don't like this picture of me being painted as dependent on the demon drink. I just didn't like alcohol teamed with In the Night Garden. It just seemed inappropriate. Well, I couldn't see the con, but it's quite a spacey kind of a show.

I'll tell you what, I have used the select button on the new remote control for, and I don't like to step to you what, I have used the select button on the new remote control for, and I don't like to step to you here, Frank, but you could not finish this series. In fact, I think you only managed about five minutes of the first episode. The jinx had some kind

of terrifying scene, and you had to take yourself off to bed and sob. It opens, and this is not a spoiler because it's the opening. Oh, I saw it. Well, I can't even say, because I think it's too early in the morning. It was also quite a big spoiler. Well, it's the first thing that happens in the show. It uses the word torso.

Yeah. And it's something being dragged out the wall. I mean, I just thought, oh, who wants to watch this? Not only did I get through that. What kind of a sick mind, I thought. What kind of a twisted doc. Anyway, what you were saying, Alan? Alan Corcoran, everybody. My wife and I got through the whole series and actually I was quite pleased that I got through the first episode because after about

five minutes, the whole time I was going, I mean, I can't believe Frank didn't make it through that first five minutes. It's not that bad, is it? So all the way through- Really? Yeah, all the way through, I was disgusted. You thought it wasn't that- I fell asleep. You're quite a tough northern character though, aren't you? I think that's probably what it is. I'm extremely tough. You've got Eccleston sensibilities. I've got grit, haven't I? I've got real grit. Yeah. I don't know, I'm just mucking about. But it's good. Oh, I liked it.

Torso's being dragged out the water. Yeah, I didn't like it. As an opener. As an opener. Yeah. Love that fall album. You're right, it's not a bad album. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had an email which I'd like to share with you from Chris. Email?

Do you want me to? Yes. Do you want me to give you a bit of email call? Why not? Well, partly because I can't find... Oh, no. OK. It's my new erotic novel, She-Mail Corner. So, the writer of this email, Chris, begins thusly.

Hello, Alan and the team. Wow. Nice. Blimey. Finally. There's going to be some changes around here. Finally. Something about jujitsu.

It's all gone a bit post-Hignify. Yeah. Yeah. Changed his life, that show. I think it's a reference to something from before then, but nevertheless, let's continue. I was listening to you last week talking about YouTube. Well, I've been looking at stuff that my wife thinks very boring. Can I just momentarily explain to Frank,

this was the week that you were off, and I think I did sit in the captain's chair, and I was discussing the absolute boringness of things that YouTube suggests to me where I watched a man explain what was in his lorry that he sleeps in. You know those sleeper cabins? I really don't like the sound of this. And he did a little tour of his cabin saying and this is a drawer where I keep the kettle

and there's the tea and I watched a nine and a half minute video of this extremely boring man saying what he, anyway so that's what it's in reference to that was recommended to you by youtube youtube says this is the kind of thing you'll like alan and it was right on that occasion okay okay i bet i've watched 20 john pertwee interviews on the recommendation of youtube there you go what about when amazon suggested i buy a pam st clement clock i mean really a pampson clement clock who knew there was such a good tongue What about when Amazon suggested I buy a Pam St Clement clock? No. A Pam St Clement clock? Yeah, who knew there was such a thing? It's a good tongue twister, though.

Pam St Clement clock. Be careful. I've been looking at stuff that my wife thinks very boring. Carving ostrich eggs. Carving ostrich... Well, I don't think he should be ostracised. Very good. Am I going for the hat trick? I said, what's the chances of another ostrich reference before we close the show? I don't think he should be ostracised. Very good. Am I going for the hat trick?

I said, what's the chances of another ostrich reference before we close the show? Mastered carving wooden cow bones from the local animal dispatching shop. Thought I would try eggs. Wooden cow bones? Yes. Wood and cow bones.

Oh, sorry. OK. Apologise. Sounds like a weird thing to want to do, but I just sold my first egg, tried to attach picture, no luck, for £470. Wow.

Of course, the wife was happy with that. See, having a staring hobby does pay off. I think that's a typo of boring hobby, isn't it? Staring hobby. OK. I'm guessing. I don't know, it is a lot of staring. I like a staring hobby.

No, I totally assumed it was a staring hobby. Really? Yeah. It requires such precision. No, I think that is like stamps would like a staring hobby. No, I totally assumed it was a staring hobby. Really? Yeah. It requires such precision. No, I think that is like stamps would be a staring hobby. Yeah. True enough. Yeah.

Or peeping Tomary. Yeah. That is a staring hobby. It's interesting that this bloke can carve an ostrich egg to a standard where he can get nearly 500 quid for it, but he can't handle an email attachment. I don't know if I believe it i've got to be honest i know what you mean you don't believe why hasn't he attached the picture come on because that's not where his skills lie i am his skills lie in staring hobbies i have to say i put into youtube

carving ostrich eggs and i watched several carving ostrich eggs videos what kind of things that they do with them they just's sort of like... Lattice work. Yeah, like an ornamental design. I think they get the egg bit out first. Oh, yeah. You know, the pin and blow it out. Oh, yeah.

And also the comments are quite good, because they get forensic about what drill they use, including one person saying that they use a proper professional standard dentistry drill in order to... So what kind of recommendations have you been getting from YouTube since you looked at that? Exactly, yeah, yeah. I think he, probably similar to...

Nigel Pearson's great goals. Yeah, exactly. How to make an omelette without breaking eggs, impossible. Um, but yeah, it's good. I quite liked it. I might check that out. Yeah, have a look. Have a look.

Okay. What else? What else in email corner now that we've landed? Oh, we've got another email. Hello, Frank and team. Regarding everyday activities and phrases that instantly trigger song lyrics in your head, brass in pocket, et cetera, we've talked about songs that...

Oh, yes, whenever I get money out of a cash point, I always sing Got Brass in Pocket. Indeed. Alan sings the blues. I had a fair view. Whenever I hear the name of politician Gordon Brown, I can't help but sing the famous Strangler's hit, Gordon Brown, Golden Brown.

Gordon Brown, texture like sun, lays me down with my mind. He runs throughout the night, no need to fight, never a frown with Gordon Brown. Hmm. Oh. I have a thing. Is there some hoovering happening? I can't hear anything.

Oh, that's strange. Oh, it's upstairs. I spoke to them about that. Oh, God, I hope you're not having an aneurysm. Me too. Yeah, that'd be awful. Yeah. Well, mind you, the show's nearly over.

Good, yeah. If there is a time. At least we've got our three hours left. We had a brilliant thing. My girlfriend got bitten by a dog recently. I wouldn't describe that as a brilliant thing. That's not a brilliant thing, but the police, it's all gone a bit

out of hand, the police were due to come round and then they were they said they'd come round at six, half seven they still hadn't come, and then about ten to eight she had a text from them saying that they couldn't make it after all. And I had the opportunity to actually say,

the police always come late if they come at all. That's a Tracy Chapman hit. And it was so... What is the chances of that ever coming again? There was that time when I worked for the... For Pisa, I worked for their tourist board. Oh, yeah? Oh, God, there you for Pisa, I work for their, um, tourist board. Oh, yeah. And, um, when they're in, in their video for the Leaning Tower, I, um, I use, I'm still

inclined. Mm, mm, mm. Very good. Ah. I got told off. Can you believe we're gonna, we might end on that? I don't think so. Oh, no, thanks.

Oh, no, because it turns out Cockrell's got gold. It comes with the comedy cavalry. I got told off. When I make scrambled eggs, I like to use a particular frying pan, but if it's dirty I'll use another one, and my wife doesn't like it when I use that, cos it's not

non-stick, and she will pick it up and say this is not an egg pan, and I don't know if you know the song, This Is Not A Love Song. I don't know the original. I only know the new Velvig cover. This Is Not A Love Song. Yes, I always do the new Velvig. I've played it on this show.

Thanks, Alan. This Is Not A Love Song. And so that then stays in my head for the whole day. This Is Not An Eggpan. This Is Not An Eggpan. How are we going to get out of the eggpan? We're going to get out by saying Pete Donaldson is coming back.

Next, thank you so much for listening today and if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out! The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.