The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Alun Cocktails

Episode Date: May 4, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has had a problem with an electric toothbrush and Emily has given a Ted Talk. The team also discuss the unusual dress code for Rag'n'Bone Man's wedding.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram. I'm Frank on the radio. Or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Oh, emails, websites. Oh, yesterday when I was young, so many, many songs were waiting to be sung.

I like the way you sort of treat Instagram like the slightly neglected youngest child. And you, Instagram, come on, there's room for us all. It's still the new, you know, it's still the last in, first out person at the factory. Yeah. So I'm just trying to make it welcome. What about Snapchat?

No one does that anymore. It's embarrassing. No, I think, aren't the youth still doing it? Or has it gone? Isn't that the one that's seven second video? Yeah. Good knowledge. Yeah.

A little bit too intimate, if you ask me. You think it's knowledge? Yeah. Now, I once called it backpack. Did you? Without any comic intention. Just, you know those moments you get older when life just makes you comic?

It was one of those. But I wonder what Backpack would be. It would store something and annoy people. Yes. You need those two combination. Yes. I walked into a bloke, or a bloke walked into me, I think would be nearer the truth,

and he had a big bag and he had it hung on the front of him, unusually. So he was using it like a front bumper walking through Soho. What a sort of faux pregnancy. But it was quite, you know, it was sturdy.

Oh. I hope something bad happened to him. Did he have a backpack on as well? Is that why he decided to I didn't notice the backpack, I was still on the floor from being there He was using it in order to walk straight ahead through the crowd and I thought he was going to get hit by somebody

this bloke Your Kath, I went to a party with her this week and she kept the rucksack on throughout the entire evening. It was a lovely outfit. She can't breathe without that. It's apparati. Oh, God, that's awkward. Let's make it look nice.

It's actually fused. It's fused onto her spine, of course. That'd be awkward, wouldn't it? You could at least put some glitter on it or make it look pretty to her. Get it upholstered with some velvet or something. Somebody, they used to have Q&As at the end of Clive Anderson's chat show

and the first time I did it, they had all these Q&As and obviously you don't know what's coming and someone in the audience said, so what were you doing 30 years ago today I said I was in a coma thanks I really thank you for bringing that up and it was one of those where people think um is this a joke because I wasn't that well known I could have been been Coma Kid and brought it out in interviews. Coma Kid.

I was saving it for a deep in my career and I could come up with it. Yeah. You know, it'd be the Piers Morgan show, wouldn't it? Oh, yeah. And then there was, so next, Coma Kid. And then into some adverts for... Well, that would explain why you look so youthful. Because as you know, I was once set up

on a date with someone who'd been in a coma for ten years. Oh, was you? Oh, I thought it rings a bell. And it's my father. Thanks, Dad.

For the set of the date? Yeah. He said, oh, I think it was his neighbour's son or something. He said, he'd be lovely for you. So there's just one thing. I mean, that's not

just one thing. I'd say that's a headline. Quite a big thing. Brilliant. I didn't think people came out. I don't have to accept him in films. Well, they don't normally. It was very unusual.

He'd been 10 years, and so he'd missed. We worked out what he'd missed. Brilliant. And the main thing I was... Was it your job to tell him? Well, he'd missed... I could have told some terrible lies. Yeah.

Well, he hadn't just come out. He wasn't still in a gown. Well, he had to be to date me, dear. But, yeah, he'd missed Oasis and Britpop and that whole phenomenon, I remember thinking. Wow. Good on him, though, if you're listening,

mate. That's tremendous news. I didn't think he could come out after that long. Yeah, it's possible. I think you might be taking the wrong positive from this story for Emily's liking. No, but you know what I mean? If you'd been in prison

for example, and you on your CV, you could put, you could construct a coma situation to cover it. Sounds like a crime. I'd say between 60 and 70% of our listeners would be glad to hear it. Sounds like a crime. A little tip there for about, I'd say between 60 and 70% of our listeners. Be glad to hear that.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 760 has texted, you were talking about Snapchat and other social media innovations. He says he's starting a new social media platform for teenagers and their parents. It's called Backchat. You know, because teenagers are a bit gobby.

Oh, is it a joke? Or is he a dot-com millionaire? No, I think, well, he might be a potential one, but I think it's a joke. Do you still get dot-com millionaires? I haven't heard it mentioned for a long time. You probably get tech millionaires now, don't heard you mention for a long time. No. You probably get tech millionaires now, don't you?

Or billionaires even. Speaking of tech, I was cleaning my teeth this week. Oh, yeah. I mean, I can see the surprise on your faces. And I don't know about you, but several years ago, at the advice of my dentist, I switched to... Can you give me his number, your dentist? I can.

People are always asking me that. But mainly people who work in the zombie film industry. Anyway. No, because I have got Jonathan Ross' Halloween parties, not that. Can I just say, you're always hard on your teeth and I love your smile. I know, but they are bad. I noticed a picture of me the other day and I thought, I'm going a bit Queen Mardre.

You're not. Anyway, it's fine. I get a lot of these re-enactment societies offering me big money deals to transfer to them. Oh, yeah. So anyway, I was cleaning my... And I was dressed all in black, an inky garb.

Right. Oh, what, a sort of tunic? No, no, just black trousers. Satin things. So black trousers, black T-shirt. Was that a night fever at a funeral? I was actually dressed... Steven Seagal.

Didn't I say I was I was Darth Vader it's not easy to clean your teeth as Darth Vader no anyway I got it stuck in the grating oh yes

because you've got a Darth Vader helmet in your hallway oh actually that's actually that's Kylo Ren

don't you know speaking of which in bringing all this together thank you to Donut Time, is that the name of the company or is it, oh it's an online shop who sent us, it's May the 4th today and as you know one of the few celebratory

days that's based on a pond which is why I love it so much and it is because of May the 4th be with you, it is Star Wars Day. And... What? What is funny about that? Well, just most of the world would say Star Wars Day.

Other pronunciations are available. Like Star Wars. I don't get that. I think everybody says Star Wars. Anyway. Apparently they don't. Okay. So they've sent us some donuts, Star Wars themed donuts.

You wouldn't believe these donuts. I mean. I've never seen anything like it. They're donuts for a start off. You know, that's already, you know, you're thinking, can I risk a donut? And then they've got Milky Way. Just Milky Way that's just roughly hacked apart,

stuck on the top. Someone's used some sort of a chainsaw. And then a chunk of one of those galaxy caramels. Yeah. And Milky Way stars, which we've never actually heard of before. Oh, yeah, they're a thing. Anyway, I think... A navy black, navy slash black, well, inky icing.

Well, look at the inky icing representing space. Okay. Didn't I tell you that when I went on Concord, that when you get to maximum height, the sky is like a little bit dark around the edges, like a bit of an element of nearly space about it. Oh, really? It's a bit, It just looks different.

That's exciting. Like you're on the sort of periphery. Yeah, like, you know, like you're on your way to space. But then we didn't go there. That's very exciting. But anyway, I think it's supposed to represent, you know those sort of meteor showers

that you get now and again in Star Wars and it's bouncing off the Millennium Falcon and stuff like that? No, I don't, actually. Oh. And like a black hole, maybe, in the middle of the donut? I mean, it's got all the Star Wars themes. In a week, by the way, when we should say, I was really sad to hear about Pixar.

May you... Oh, don't. I am sad about that. I'm a huge Chewie lover. Well, I've got a friend who's a very big Star Wars fan as well. I mean, bigger than me, probably. And I sent him a thing that said Chewie R.I.P.

And he just sent back in brackets, mournful growl. It's a great response. Anyway, that's that bit. Oh, sorry, music, that's what they're after. Sarah Romford, I don't know if there's a comma in between there. She's called Sarah Romford, like Eric Morecambe and, you know,

David Essek. Ray Parler. David Essek. Is Parler a place? No, he's called Sarah Romford like Eric Morecambe and you know David Essek. And Ray Parler. David Essek. Is Parler a place? No, he's called the Romford Pele. Oh, of course. My son is nine today

and he's always been a Star Wars baby. On the day he was born the midwife actually said you have a Star Wars baby. I keep going to say Star Wars. And all our friends

congratulated us. He loves Star Wars and thinks it's so cool that his birthday is on May the 4th. I do like, though, as a great lover of the pun, it's great the way it's become a thing based on the pun, isn't it? I can't think of any other examples of that.

It's brilliant. By the way, have you seen the trailer for Star Wars 9? No. No! I haven't, actually. Also, what about... You're on about...

I still don't... When you put me up on Star Wars, I still can't quite see what I'm doing wrong, but... Oh, OK. C-3PO, he says Chewbacca. Can I just pull you off a bit on C3PO? You don't call him C3PO. I say C3PO.

Well, I mean, this is just... I can't cope with this. It's doing my head in. It's difficult for you, isn't it? How would you say it, Al? C3PO. We're the same. Funny that.

C3PO, surely. You sound like him when you say it, Al? C-3PO. We're the same. Funny that. C-3PO, surely. You sound like him when you say it. But I say Chewbacca and C-3PO says... Right, how do you say it? I say Chewbacca. Oh no, that's enough of this. They're going to turn off. Chewbacca. Yeah, Frank, it seems to me... You don't say Chewbacca.

I don't think I do. No, because no one says that. What is it just about Star Wars then that I... Perhaps my VHS is a-slipping. What is it just about Star Wars then? Perhaps my VHS is a slipping. I hate it when that happens. I haven't finished telling you about my electric toothbrush. Oh, yeah, tell us about that. So I dropped that baby mid-clean.

Have you ever dropped an electric toothbrush mid-brush? Oh, it's like wriggling around like a worm is that what happens it was it sort of zig zagged down my black I mean down my black

t-shirt your corona and your black silk Steven Seagal shirt I was just going out I was doing the last minute clean of teeth

before I leave the house oh no I'm thinking now in future I'm just going to clean my teeth naked or leave the house. Oh, no. I'm thinking now, in future, I'm just going to clean my teeth naked or, you know, at least in a pyjama jacket. Right. So I dropped it.

It's almost like it slowed itself up in order to daub my T-shirt. Oh. And then it dropped to the floor and it operated as a sort of a sprinkler system on my shoes and trousers. So I had to change the whole outfit based on one tiny slip of the hand. I had no idea.

And it reminded me of all the science fiction I've read over the years. The bots, the droids, the AI, they always turn on the human beings in the end. I've never read one about the electric toothbrush. Not yet, you haven't. It might have gone on a killing spree now. It might have left the house. You know, the great thing is if you drop a manual toothbrush, I don't know if you remember him, the Jewish dentist.

I would play for Arsenal. If you drop one of those, when it when you stop it stops you know what i mean yeah when the phone stops stop when the toothbrush stops top yeah yeah um when the brushing start anyway yeah it stopped so that couldn't have happened he could have had a slight blemish but it wouldn't have carried on spraying you wouldn't have had the full-on fluoride sprinkler system. I just remember thinking to myself, God, are we talking about driverless cars? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We can just collectively wish everyone whose birthday it is today on May the 4th, happy birthday, happy whatever it is, Star Wars Day. You don't have to all text us forever. I know I sound a little weather-beaten, but that's... Wow. Think of those 50 pences in the absolute coffers. I don't get them, do I?

I'm going to do this every week about the date and how significant it is. I'm not on, like, a text split. No, yes, happy birthday. OK. I'm not on like a text split. No, yes, happy birthday. Okay. I can't get over what happened to you with that toothbrush. You know what, I had to change shoes, everything. Did you go and put an outfit on that was red, white and blue? Like your toothpaste? I'd done my teeth then. Why were you wearing all black then? Just a coincidence. Yeah, he was working as a stage manager that night.

I got a bit of I'd got some cash in hand with an East European poppet troupe. I can't ever see him as a stage manager I can see him as a 1950s janitor

very funny he would be thanks very much be one of those people that do you remember was it in Rhoda he used to be a bloke

who this is Rory you're a janitor you never saw him he was just a voice on an intercom. Intercom. I haven't heard that for a bit.

I'll tell you what. I woke up the other morning and I was just glad about that. And I had a lot of flies in my bedroom. I mean, I tried to count them, but God, would they keep still? Were they the small inferior kind or the buzzing blue bottle kind? I'd hear what they were, and there must be a technical name for them.

They were the completely silent flies. And they look like flies. They're not like gnats or anything like that. They're proper little black flies. They look like flies. But what they do, it looks like they're not like gnats or anything like that they're proper little black flies they look like flies but what they do it looks like they're perpetually locked in barn dance mode so there's sort of ones moving not that much around the circle like they're the ones that are clapping and then in the middle you'll get to go really really fast around each other like

and then they go back and then another couple will come in. But you cannot hear a damn thing. They're utterly silent. Well, what if that is their wedding celebration? I told you. But it's going on forever, though. Well, I told you once when some ants, I poured water on some ants and my father said in the ant history

that would be documented as the Great Flood. Oh, yeah. And possibly that was a big royal wedding in your bedroom. But they're always like that. That was kind of the silent flight. Maybe they're just really enjoying it and they adhere to

the rule when the fun stops, stop. They're just keeping going. They're not having the you know, they're not up to no good are they? They had gone the next day. Had they? As if you know, that thing, you know, they're not up to no good, are they? They had gone the next day. Had they? As if, you know, that thing, you know when you leave the hotel the next morning? Yeah, but I'd love to know, if anyone knows what those flies, they don't buzz, they don't make any noise.

If anyone knows what they are. They do sort of a barn dance. Yeah, the barn dancing silent flies, if there's a technical term for that. And also, can someone explain why? Barn dancers, dog dirters. Why there are so many of these green ones. What's the green one? I've had enough of the green ones.

Little green flies. They've been all up in my grill. Oh, they come... I've got a yellow T-shirt that I sometimes wear and they fly and they just land on that great work on Big Wow do you think they ever say I kissed a grill

and I liked it no it's the answer to that yeah if we could find out those little quiet barn dancing flies I can't imagine them on dog excrement they seem

they seem like a delicate fond-loving race the other ones have a they have. The other ones have a sinister... They're quite up themselves, the buzzing ones. OK, because I'm thinking of the three types that I would normally see in my house. Someone's calling them clusterflies. Oh, that sounds right, because they certainly cluster.

Yeah, if I had to list their characteristics, cluster would be, I mean, even alphabetically, cluster would probably be first on the list. They do, they heard. Hello? So he looks at me then in horror. God, you shouldn't have said that. That's going to get us into the most

awful trouble you never know what's coming up next any news on the cluster flies? oh good question on Asher in Bedford and what I like about

Nasher is in a callback to our do you remember when we were talking about the Nasher in Bedford and what I like about Nasher is in a callback to our, do you remember when we were talking about the car reg? Nasher in Bedford sounds like a piece of manly advice you might get from friends. Nasher still spells his name, um...

G-N. I can't actually believe you sometimes. G-N-A-S-H. He spells it in the car reg form. Oh. N-A-4-5 H-E-R. Oh, I bet that's his number plate. I love that about Nasher. I hope so. And the other reason I love Nasher is he is also, he had a number of those green coloured flies in his house. Aphids. Yeah. Are they actually aphids? Well, they used to call them green fly. Then somebody, I had someone

calling them aphids and it's like that thing went, oh, that sounds a bit more technical. I'll go with that. You think I'm having that? Yeah, exactly. He said he had them in his house but then he, of course, ended it with a joke about green bottles, nine green bottles, etc.

I like it. Did you like that? He said they kept disappearing one by one. At first there were ten green bottles buzzing in my room. Aren't they blue bottles? He's doing a joke. I think we're talking about different flies as well. You're talking about house flies with green... No, he is doing a joke.

It's just that some of the blue flies, the blue bottles, are a bit green around the belly. Oh, yeah, yeah. OK, just saying that. Someone is... Claire Edwards says, light yourself a citrus candle. OK. Thanks very much. I'll just put one out.

In case they're bitey gnats or something. Bitey gnats. John Butler suggests you have fleas. What? Who? Just tell John Butler to stop throwing accusations around about my friend Frank, actually. Oh, do you know what?

I love that romance moment. Hasn't he read the essay, Bishop Butler's Government of the Tongue? In which he talks about not saying bad things, even though they occur to you. Anyway, he probably hasn't. I'm guessing he hasn't. Great reference to the essay.

We'll put it on the Absolute website straight away. The Bishop Butler essay. Imagine that, calling the boss, Paul, you couldn't stick Bishop Butler's Government of the Tongue essay, could you? I think it's already up there from last time. say could you on I think it's already up there from last

time we had an email in on Friday we did what yeah I just thought I'd slightly drag us back to more mainstream fair

so I had a flashback to my childhood oh yeah what happened drag us back to more mainstream fair what was it about Alan

for a radio show. You know, last week we were discussing... Well, I'll read it to you. Morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. Last week, Frank was going on about how long it has been since he's put... Is that it on? No, it seems a bit harsh, the way I phrased it. That's so the way a partner relays an anecdote.

So, anyway, Frank was going on... Yeah, it is. Can I say that it is in my contract going on? Yeah. About how long it has been since he last put two legs in one pant hole. Oh, yes. It's been a while. I was talking about trousers, I think.

What do you mean by that, then? You know when you accidentally put two... Two legs in the same trouser leg. Do you know that? No, who's ever done that? Oh, I've done it. Oh, I've gone out like it. Everyone's done that. I haven't done that. I've gone out like it with another drunken person in the other leg. Do you know that? No, who's ever done that? Oh, I've done it. Oh, I've gone out like it. Everyone's done that.

I haven't done that. I've gone out like it with another drunken person in the other leg. I saw a video of a builder doing that one. No, putting a tracksuit top on, trying to put them on his trousers. Oh, that is funny. Have you seen that? That is very funny. I've never seen that.

I think they were a bit tipsy. It's a funny clip. I think they had a few cocktails. Very funny. Anyway, as you were. Alan Cocktails It's a funny clip. I think they'd had a few cocktails. Very funny. Anyway, as you were. Alan Cocktails, that'd be a good name. If ever you bring out your own cocktail, like a John Collins or something. I might do that. Can I ask you, can we make this a teaser?

Because the producer's a bit edgy that we need to go into messages. But I like this as a teaser. So what's the official teaser? Someone has done something similar to the two feet in one leg. And we'll find out what it is after this. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. We're discussing flies this morning on Absolute Radio.

We're on a cliff here, remember? Yeah. Okay. Well, that's actually... This was about trouser legs, wasn't it? It was. I suppose flies might have been involved. No, it was a reference to last week

when you were saying that you hadn't put your two legs into one pant hole, one trouser leg hole. Oh, yeah. I get so nostalgic, don't I? A while. On this show. Whatever happened to. Anyway, our trouser leg hole. Oh, yes. I get so nostalgic, don't I, on this show. Whatever happened to.

Anyway, our emailer, Benji, continues, I did something rather similar this week. In my haste, I sat down on the toilet, not realising the seat was up. I was greeted by a less than comfortable cold inner circle of the loo. That's happened to me. And sprang up again in surprise.

I feel that these two things may live on the same street. Can confirm it's been years since my last incident and I'll be more diligent in the future. Please discuss. Keep well, Benji. Oh, I like keep well. Me too. I do.

It's quite sort of Victorian philanthropist. Keep well. Oh, I think it's a bit East End Gangster Oh The Hinted Menace When Charlie Cray said goodbye to me He kissed his fingertips And sort of waved them towards me

As if he was sort of flicking a kiss It's very mafia-ish Casting a spell on you Yeah well You see when most people start an anecdote with when Charlie Crowe said goodbye to me, well, they're no longer here. Yeah, it's not an anecdote that happens that much.

Very few members of The Living can tell that anecdote. Yeah, I mean, I don't think Jack the Hat McVitie has got a radio show. No. Or the Vitty. No longer with us. I thought that was an excellent contribution, Benji, and I too have sat accidentally on the toilet with the seat up. It is a complete shock.

I don't know why plastic holds more warmth than... And also it feels like you're falling back much further than the difference between seat down and seat up. Still, if you're going to have a suddenly startling experience, that's the place to have it. It's almost like you shouldn't leave the toilet seat up. Still, if you're going to have a suddenly startling experience, that's the place to have it. It's almost like you shouldn't leave the toilet seat up. Shall we go on? Good point. Thank you. Thank you, Nick. Okay, well I won't lift it

anymore. What about that? Also a good point. Shall we... I thought he might have saved up an answer for that, because that's come up before. Oh, has it? Are you honestly suggesting I ate it when people did that? That's one of my pet hates. What?

They say things like, oh, it's a good job we did that in rehearsal when you've done something quick and spontaneous. All right. Trying to slightly undermine your abilities. No! I was suggesting you did it at home, you paranoid loon.

Next! I was suggesting you did it at home. Frank Carson did it to me once. Did he? Did what? The thing that I didn't do? Okay, I accept you did it at home. Frank Carson did it to me once. Did he? Did what? The thing that I didn't do? Okay, I accept you didn't do it, but I was on a panel show with him,

and he said something, and I bang-banged the reply, got a big applause from the crowd, and he said, I'm really glad we did that in rehearsal. Wow. Well, can I just say I would never do that. I was being rude about your relationship, which, you know.

I'm happy with that. Yeah, that's fine. I was suggesting it might have been a row at home, the toilet seat. We've had an email about... No, the row at home is the floor under the toilet. It's the main source of the toilet. Well, why? What happens there? Well, there's me and a six-year-old living in the same,

six-year-old boy in the same house. And is he better behaved than you in that area? Well, no's me and a six-year-old living in the same, six-year-old boy in the same house. And is he better behaved than you in that area? Well, no, we both, I think... They both blame each other. I think we've both felt that that area of the toilet floor is a sort of periphery area of the toilet. Oh, for goodness sake. I don't think it's quite part of the house proper.

It's sort of the toilet. It's the M25 of the toilet bowl. Is it your slip road? It is, yes. Is that an anagram? It doesn't quite work. Slip road? Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, dear. sip road we'll have to explain that Larry but men and me sort of fairly intermittently won't we because it's become a thing it's the thing that Laurie met me ran me I won't go into detail said when Gaza said a swear word on screen and Laurie McVenny the current England assistant manager was he went oh no and it's a great

universal symbol of I've been always sad I've laughed it's what it basically means Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio someone's throat just made a noise that was mine I'm afraid someone's throat how do you mean Skinner on Absolute Radio. Someone's throat just made a noise. That was mine, I'm afraid. Someone's throat? How do you mean? Yeah, like that. I think it was in honour of Chewbacca.

Yes, that's right. It was your tribute. Hi, Frank. Sounds like fruit flies, bracket drosophila melanogaster. Oh, good one. good one got melon in it you notice that melan

a n the really small black ones from Chloe bracket studying ecology so should know my insects

but don't hold me to anything ecology can you study ecology that's a big one yeah yes you can

wow you can. Wow. You can study a lot of stuff. So what are they called again? Fruit flies? Fruit flies, yeah. There's no fruit in my bedroom. You had fruit flies in your kitchen. I don't mean to be rude. Oh. Not long ago.

They're just travelling. No, Kath told me they had fruit flies in the kitchen. Sorry, everyone. No, I think fruit flies are a bit smaller, aren't they? Oh, really? Oh, are they? I'm not sure about it. We sure took a photo of them, but they were moving.

Yeah. A lot of the time. Next time, when they're back, next party. What does that get me on, Paul? I mean, as parties go, respect and wonder. They keep late hours, the flies. They do. What do you do? You see, I liberate them. keep late hours, the flies. They do. What do you do?

You see, I liberate them. I just open the back door. They find a way out, Frank. But that's how they find a way in. Well, be careful, because 070 has texted. Does he know C3PO? If I said 070, it would just be weird, wouldn't it? It's just great to hear you say 0.

Or Yorkshire, yeah. 070, it would just be weird, wouldn't it? It's just great to hear you say it. Or Yorkshire, yeah. 070. Well, I hate to change the tone here, but strapping this is quite a frightening text. 070. I nearly died by fly. While playing football in the park, the ball was crossed perfect for a header.

As I jumped ahead the ball, I inhaled a swarm of flies that were passing. A swarm? Several of them ended up living in my lungs. I thought I was going to die by coughing. I didn't. That is actually disgusting. Is that the end of it?

I didn't. I didn't, he says. That's the end of the... And then it says Matt 1966. I don't know if that's his year of birth or yeah

World Cup maybe something like that maybe some extraneous detail that we don't need to dwell on death by fly that's

we've all had flying mouth experiences tell me about it dear yeah but um I've never had them I think the phrase was

living in my lungs. How was he aware of that? I assume he sought some medical or veterinary advice. Oh, yeah, you've got a bunch of... They've set up a little community. Although that would be a great comic strip, like The Numb Skulls. It would exactly like The Numb Skulls.

The flies in the lungs i'd watch that read it you had to eat certain foods that the flies would like in there what it wouldn't you know you had to inhale stuff oh that's right yeah you had to go out you had to breathe in a lot of dog excrement to keep them settled you'd have to get a dog excrement inhaler take out the medic what do they have in asthma inhalers? What's that thing in the middle of it? Oh, good question.

Unscrew the cylinder, take that out and just put a small dog excrement section in there. Can you imagine? There you go. That's one for the boys. I'm sorry, there would be females as well down there. They'd be fluttering around in there.

I'd want to calm them down. I imagine they'd... Maybe you want to have one of their... Yeah, crazy night outs in the aorta. That's the kind of life they'd be leading. Can I say to you, Clive has got in touch to say Frank is right. I'll do it. I don't need anything else.

I thought you'd like that. C3PO is his serial number, but his name is 3PO, pronounced three... Hang on, how did Frank say it? C3PO. C3PO, yeah, pronounced 3PO. There you go, Thank you very much. Luke says it that way in the trash compactor. Charming.

Oh, does he? I told you when I met him at a party. Oh, I met him at a bar mitzvah. Was that before or after Charlie Gray came over and said goodbye? No, that was... It would have been after. OK. And he...

Have I got time to tell this, Sarah? No, she wants us to stop. I won't. We'll stop. I was in the middle of a... Anthony Daniels? Is that his name? Oh, yeah. C3PO. Someone said to me, that guy C3PO over there at the party,

I must have told this before, and he looked a bit short to me to be guy C-3PO over there at the party, I must have told this before and he looked a bit short to me to be C-3PO and I said, well he looks short to me, so he came over and said, I understand you told me you said I was too short to be C-3PO

and I said, well I just, you know, yes I did say that and then he started telling me about how he got the part and stuff like that. And he said he met George Lucas and there was a painting in the room and he talked about the painting and that's what really impressed George Lucas.

Excellent. Which I once gave someone a job on the strength of the fact that they recognised I was listening to Captain Beefheart's Trout Mask Replica when they walked in the office. They went, oh, Trout Mask Replica. I thought you were in, mate. Yeah. He became a very good friend of mine.

I mean, it's a great opener. So anyway, we did all this. I've not told you this before. Then he went out to get a cab, C3PO. Are you sure this isn't a dream? It's just the way we sit. And then he went out to get a cab So we were sitting in this place It was in Islington, we were sitting there

And he was outside Islington in North London A large conurbation in the south east of England And he was standing outside waiting for the cab And he looked in at me By now I'd realised He really was C3PO So I waved in a very friendly way. He immediately went into an absolute perfect C-3PO movement of angularity.

The little mini bow as well. He just became him. I mean, it was absolutely brilliant. And then gave me the massive digit. C-3PO. It was a great moment I must say what I think which can be told today of all days yes we're actually eating the the Star Wars don't Frank Skinner said to us at the beginning he didn't think we'd get through a whole one. Alan's demolished his.

Yeah. I've only got... But Alan will burn it off on the mat later on. I won't. With the Tartoshi. I've got a third left of mine. Okay. Okay, how are you, Frank Skinner?

Well, I've only just finished me crisps. You know, you can't eat sweet and then savoury, as I think has been long established. So, I mean, I got a Star Wars donut, a Doctor Who coffee cup. Honestly, it's a clash of franchises. Yeah. Cannot be good.

Anyway, what else? Well, there's a couple of things. I want to talk about Rag and Bone Man's wedding. Can I tell you something else on the subject of those franchises? Sure. I went to the theatre on Monday evening. This week I've seen a play, a film, a stand-up show featuring Alan Cochran, the popular entertainer. Oh, I'm off tonight.

And two art gallery exhibitions. I mean, come on. That is plenty. Can I say, I really enjoyed Alan Cochran's show last night. Very. What a fine comic he is. He is. He's at the Solo Theatre tonight.

I don't know if anyone can squeeze in. Well, I'm going down, so, you know. Cool. Don't crowd me. Do you know a bloke came up to me I just want to live my life in peace a bloke came up to me

before the show and said oh right I just thought I'd come over and say hello and he said he said he was very nice

and he said he says you're really funny on the radio he said he said but Room 101 that's what I love

that's brilliant blah blah blah I thought that's great I'll take it as two things. He said, anyway, how come you've come to see this guy? Oh, my God. Did he? I said, well, he's on the radio.

Oh, my God. He said, is he? Oh, OK. He said, I don't, you know, he said my partner saw, my wife saw him on YouTube the weekend and said, we've got to go and see this guy, so here we are. That's what I said. It's like when someone said to me, a nurse,

the other nurses had to explain who I was to always embarrass this young girl. And they said he hosts that Room 101. And she said, I love that programme. He must have seen me on it. Yeah, I don't notice me on it. Of course, you know, we don't know what they're getting free from the pharmacy.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Now... Someone says 503 Talking of Theatre Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Now. Someone says 503 talking of theatres. Looking forward to seeing Frank in Cambridge in November. Ah. Yes, my national tour begins in September.

I shall be in Edinburgh in August and at the Leicester Square Theatre in London in June. Lovely. There's the full extent of my current stand-up. I shall also be at the Latitude Festival. Oh, will you? I will. Oh, Frank, you at the festival?

I might pop down there myself. It's a great festival. I might be down there myself working. Are you? Oh, of course. Plonking your book. Oh, yes. This person actually says they heard me talking with Jeremy Vartagesa this week.

Jay Vine. Yeah, Jay Vine's a big fan of the show. Oh, yeah, I remember him listening to it when he was dancing. He has to do it discreetly. Oh, because he gets told off because we're a rival station. I know, but for goodness sake. It's a secret love. I mean, do you ever read radio reviews in the newspapers?

No. No, do they do radio reviews? Not of commercial radio. It's almost, all these people saying commercial radio, I don't think so. It's just like BBC this, BBC that, BBC... Right. I mean, come on, guys.

Throw the net a little wider. I think your campaign is going to have to stretch a little further than come on guys well it's all right they don't listen to it anyway he loves us and we love him yeah what were you seeing i went to see um all my sons oh one of my faves possibly my fave it's good no no i've been uh pursued by the child what they call it when you have to pay money yeah csa yeah yeah child support yeah no i wasn't oh it's a terrible thing there my memory let me down would have been a great joke i know but come on i'd be able to lead it into you yeah so anyway um i went to see all my sons at the old vic. Nice. Good production? It was, you know what, it was fabulous.

But I made up my mind at the beginning I was going to do a stand innovation, whether it was good or not. Did you? Even if they were booing and throwing stuff, I was going to do a stand innovation. Can I ask which actors were in it? Well, that is why I was going to do a stand innovation.

Right. There was... Someone in Doctor Who. Was it Sylvester McCoy? Jenna Coleman. Formerly, of course, Clara Oswald. Yeah. There was... Someone in Doctor Who. Was it Sylvester McCoy? Jenna Coleman. Formerly, of course, Clara Oswald. Yeah.

Merlin. No way. Colin Morgan. The president from Independence Day and Aunt May from Spider-Man all in the same play.

I thought, wow, I don't care what the play is like. I'd be happy to be in a lift with these guys. Yeah. Yeah. As it turned out, the play is like I'd be happy to be in a lift with these guys as it turned out the play was fantastic

and you got the same lift later as well I wish I'd got the same lift I'll tell you when I was in a lift with John Hurt and I said to him this is the only time I've been in a lift when I'm hoping it breaks down and we're stuck in it for ages he looked edgy

yeah I can imagine did you meet John Hurt? I did and it breaks down and we're stuck in it for ages. He looked edgy. Yeah, I can imagine. Did you meet John Hurt? I've never met John Hurt. I did. What I liked, Frank, is he arrived in a raincoat. Okay. And a hat.

I mean, he was everything I wanted Hurt to be. And I said, oh, we were doing some filming with him, and I said, oh, can we get you a car? And he said, no, darling, no, darling, always walk. And what I liked is always walk. He didn't say I always walk, it was always walk.

It was more an instruction. Like, partly to you, partly to himself. Yeah, it was like always walk in life. Partly to you, partly to himself was the subtle follow-up

to the Jocko Brothers. LAUGHTER Chockel Brothers. I've got to tell you about my trip. I went to Newcastle this week. I resisted saying Newcastle. Don't you hate it when people do an accent for the area they went to? They go, I went to Manchester. You mean if they're not from the area? Yes.

You're allowed, obviously. You're allowed to say I went to Manchester. You mean if they're not from the area? Yes, you're allowed, obviously, you're allowed to say I went to Birmingham. Well, my problem is if I say I'm going to somewhere and say, oh, I grew up in Newcastle or something, and then when you see them they'll say, anyway, give my love to Newcastle. How do I do that?

Yeah, it's very difficult. I can tell you. Are you through in the old days? Well, I didn't do that this time. It was just me and my dog, Raymond. OK. I was asked to give... Did you go on by sled?

Oh, that would have been good. I couldn't seem to pull it. I saw you off, right? It would have been quicker than the train. No disrespect, but would he have pulled you? What do you mean? He's tiny. He's a small dog, isn't he?

He's not a sled-pulling type. Well, I'm a small character. I know tiny. He's a small dog, isn't he? He's not a slow pulling type. Well, I'm a small character. I know, but he's a small dog. Oh, he goes. He goes. I don't know how he must have felt about Chewbacca because he's quite Chewbacca-esque. He is.

I sometimes call him offspring of Chewbacca, but he's more, I think if I'm going to be honest, he's more if Chewbacca had a one night encounter. With Ant-Man. Exactly, you got it. So yes, I was asked to give a TED Talk which is I don't know if you're familiar with this concept.

I'm aware of the format. I know of them. I don't know why they're called TED Talks. Does it stand for something? It does. It's technology, entertainment and design. Not that mine was any of those things, really. It's arraignment. Mine was more of a death and dogs-based chat.

Yeah, you want double D talk. But if you Googled that, that might have been a different thing. That's my specialist area. Yeah, exactly. But they... This week, Maria Whittaker discusses the British newspaper. I love a mention of MW. So anyway, they have the big Canadian conference

and that's where all the posh people go. That's where Bill Clinton, Al Gore, they did their talks. Apparently Pope Francis has done a TED Talk. He has. He has. Has he really? He got special dispensation, as it were, to do it from an office.

Oh, he didn't. He didn't have to set foot in that big arena with a headset. Oh, I really wanted to know what his rider was. Yeah, yeah. Five loaves, three fishes. Also, Frank, did he have to wear the headset, the mic? No. Oh, yeah.

Well, did you wear it? Like the Madonna mic? The mic? No. Well, did you wear it? Like the Madonna mic? Well, they offered. Oh, he's done it. I've done it. Do you know, we should say we've talked about that on this show before and Frank has said how when you refer to it as a Madonna mic, it is quite ageing.

Yeah, I said it's what young people call a microphone. Yeah, which I love that observation. But she is the first person I ever saw. Well, the first person I saw was the angels in Captain Scarlet. Had a very, very similar thing on their helmets they used to speak in. Right, that well-known documentary. But on stage, they had names like Harmony and Rhapsody and stuff like that. The angels were brilliant.

Do you know, I was very mindful of what you'd said about the Madonna thing. Because when I was doing the TED Talk, they were all sort of young, cool people. You know what I intentionally said? They asked what sort of mic I'd like. And I said, oh, I don't know if I'll go for the Britney mic. Because I thought that would be anti-aging for me. Yes. I don't know if you'd quite get there

Oh Frank I'd try I'd say I shaved seven years off Wouldn't you? Yeah But there'll always be a Madonna mic to me Pretty picture Well no that's not Madonna but it's about the way we were

Anyway I've got a lot to tell you about this, but the producer's giving me evils. The producer's giving you the evils. Oh, God. Shall we drop the music from this programme? 8, 12, 15. Maybe if you just did my six tracks. Because the other stuff, you can hear it, you know, here and there.

Hmm. OK. Can we not do that? No, OK. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. The TED Talk, Frank. Very exciting.

Well, I mean, it is and it isn't. Because to... I'm drinking from your cup, Al. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Because there's a big TED, Frank, which is in... Big Ted, I had one of those. Big Ted is in Canada, and that's the big posh one. Big Ted's in Canada?

Big Ted... I thought he was in the loft. But Hamble! Big Ted is in Canada, and Little Ted, which are called the sort of more global ones, the offshoots. Oh, I didn't know there was Big Ted is in Canada, and Little Ted, which are called the sort of more global ones, the offshoots. Oh, I didn't know there was Big Ted, Little Ted. Are they called TEDx or something?

Yeah, TEDx. They're ones that don't take place in Canada. Gotcha. So I was talking about Canada. But they go through the TED channel. And there's a long one, Extended Ted. Well, what was awful was I had to pose next to the big red Ted sign with all the other talks.

I don't know if people are familiar, but there's six or seven speakers at Ted events. I have no idea how any of it works. As far as I know, it's like a 20-minute... He never answers any of my prayers. At Pontifex it's 18 minutes exactly. Okay. Can't go under. Can't go over. Wow. Okay.

I timed it right. Well done. Well except when I got there and then the clock said 15 on it. What? I said excuse me this clock's wrong. They said oh well just you can use it up until 15. That's not helpful, is it? I'll be for the TED Talks.

So I've always thought of them as a bit black polo neck wearer, sort of person who would read Seven Habits of Highly Effective People on holiday. Do you know what I mean? I've known you take the rise out of them. I really have. I really have. I really have. But I think I was just jealous because I'd never been asked.

Right. And I also think I didn't know Bill Clinton and the Pope had done one then. Right. So that's why you did it. Okay? Yeah. But I had to learn it all off by heart. Fuck.

I'm out. Word for word. Well, you two, this is what I was going to ask you. You two do this. You're doing a show at the moment, Al. So are you, Frank. Presumably, you're having to, I mean, I know most of your stuff is obviously off the cuff. Nah.

But presumably, there's some things you have to learn. Your jokes. There is. Your little jokes. My problem with the 18 minutes thing is, of course, I could rehearse it and get it to that. But once the laughs come in, that's going to be an hour and a quarter. Yeah. Well, I discovered something awful about me.

Oh, yeah? Which you two probably have already discussed. Is it that wart on the back of the neck? I've tried to have surgery to get rid of that. I've tried to have surgery i said i said get rid of that i'm trying to have surgery yeah well we had the times that we had the cocoa pop this discussion in here anyway what have you discovered i've discovered that i don't like leaving the stage if it's going well and i want to know what that's called in the trade as it were, because I'm not a comic, but what I found I enjoyed it, I had a nice time

they were kind to me, they laughed they cried, you know, they ticked all the boxes I mean it's easier for you when you mention that you've had deaths, people are kinder to you. Right. So they laughed at the appropriate bits, but what I found is oh I like this, I'm not getting off and that's greed.

In the comedy business it's called being an overrunning and then, like, a nasty word. Is that hated, then? So what I want to ask you is, how do I force my ego to say, come on, you've got to get off? Because I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave. It's like sweet nectar for me. I've got jokes I could give you

that you will want to get off after you've done them. Yeah, me too. I've never done that. Just make them adore you a bit less. That'll help. Exactly. I knew guys who just went straight into self-destruct at times. Their audience was loving them and then they'd hate them and then they'd go.

And I think that was how they got off, if you know what I mean. But now I like to... You want to leave them wanting more. The fact that you're wanting more is a very good sign. Oh, OK. Well, I was just worried about that. And I noticed there was somebody, I thought of you two, because there was somebody who didn't turn up.

Oh, thanks very much. That's a personal affront to him. A reputation. Someone cancelled, and the lady who was presenting the sort of TED talk said well I'm afraid

we've had unfortunately one of our TED speakers won't be here today and you said I'll do another one I've got all this stuff I was up there already

in Featherbow and there's no business and they said so I'm afraid the speaker's abandoned ship will not be talking today. And I waited and I thought, come on, you're going to go for this, aren't you? Abandoned ship are not here today. Oh, that was the name of the speaker.

Yes. And she just let it pass. Wow. And I said very loudly, I said, you've got to make a joke out of that. But I was on the front row and I think she heard me. But she got to make a joke out of that. But I was on the front row and I think she heard me. Oh. But she should have made a joke out of that.

But what do you mean? Someone called? They were reading from something called, I think there, it was called Abandoned Ship. Oh, I see.

Their first name wasn't Abandoned. No, I see now. Okay. Okay, was it the RNLI people? I mean, they're all there, all sorts of, all the...

It all went well. Good. Except for when I sat on the TEDx, the X on the TEDx sign and nearly broke it. I didn't know it was polystyrene. I'm sorry. Polystyrene? After all these years?

I don't know. What did the Pope make of that? Well, he was in his office, if you remember. He was on a nice office chair. Maybe he hovered. We don't know what he's capable of. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You know, we're talking about Star Wars

and Star Wars. I can't actually say it the way you say it. I noticed earlier that I say absolute and I think that Emily says absolute. Absolute. Yes, I do. I think I say absolute, and I think that Emily says absolute. Absolute. Yeah. Yes, I do. I think I say absolute.

It's funny how Alan and I seem to say. Yeah, it's weird. Two of you are being wrong all the time. What's the chances of that? This is why... I say absolute radio. You know when Frank says, it's funny the two of you you being wrong all the time,

that's why he's got that lovely penthouse. Isn't it? Because that's how he thinks. It's true, though. Anyway. He doesn't live in it anymore. We were going to discuss Rag and Bone Man earlier, weren't we? Yes.

Rag and Bone Man. Oh, yes. When I say Rag and Bone Man man I mean the popular music star I don't mean Arrowed although that is who he named himself after it is it is is it really

oh I'm warming to him now he's an interesting man Rory Rory Charles Graham we used to have a bloke a Rag and Bone man when I was a kid used to have a bloke, a rag and bone man, when I was a kid, used to call him down the street. They were everywhere when I was a kid, rag and bone man. With horse, actually horse drawn cars.

Yeah. And he, I can still remember his cry because only part of it was audible. So he'd say, Old Renner, Old Renner. Old? He wanted old things, so I couldn't tell what they were. Old Renner, Old Renner. And then he'd say, Give me one, I'll give you one.

So there was an exchange going on of some kind. Right. But I never got to the bottom of what the key was. Maybe it's for the best. Do you think it was a sales tactic to get you to say, what was that? And then he's got you. Like when they put a spelling mistake in a sign outside the shop

on open all hours. Maybe. So it was hold something, hold something. Give me something and I'll give you something. That was the deal. Well I've said that a few times. It feels like they're missing words round on quiz. I know. What if it was that? What if we'd all stood on the pavement

suggesting, like, various things? Old iron. Any old... Old iron. No, no, but you're close. I like that his name's Rag... It's Rag-n-bone, isn't it, rather than and.

Yeah. Which is... He's got a particle in his name, I believe it's called. Has he? Is it? Well, he can... He's got a particle in his name, I believe it's called. Has it? Well, he's got the money to get that removed. It's like Roger de Corsi. You see, I thought, though, it was not really.

It is a spagatine bone. Yeah. It is like that, Roger of Corsi. Roger of Corsi. Is that what he's supposed to be? Because he felt he was a bit obvious. Roger of Corsi. Someone said, what's your name? Roger of Corsi. Roger of Corsi. Is that what he's supposed to be? Because he felt he was a bit obvious. Roger of Corsi. Someone said,

what's your name? Roger of Corsi. Roger of Corsi sounds like someone very, very promiscuous. I'm not suggesting he was, but what was the name of his puppy? Puppy? I'm not suggesting he was, but what was the name of his pup puppy? That's The Clash with Rock the Casbah.

What? You just sounded like such a proper radio person. I know, I do that now and again. I was also remembering William S. Burroughs' Tolls a Tale of how his aunt... Worked with them all. His aunt went on a trip to the Casbah and she felt a pain in her hand and when she looked across,

someone had cut her ring finger off and run off with her wedding and engagement ring. Lovely story. What a lovely story. Apparently every time he told that story, he couldn't get the punchline out. He was laughing so much. He would have got on with him.

He's a remarkable individual, but dark. Dark in the extreme. We should say, before people complained, he did accidentally shoot his wife through the forehead. Oh, now they're never going to complain. No, but I mean, because people say, oh, well, you're laughing about William S. Boris. What about his poor wife?

I agree, it was a terrible tragedy. Don't, you know. Well, I'm going to Google him. He sounds like a real interesting chap. They tragedy. Don't, you know. Well, I'm going to Google him. He sounds like a real interesting chap. They were playing William Tell, you know, that thing where he put a drink... So you're going on about this thing. No, I'm not.

He put a drink glass on it. I know, thanks. He was, you know... He can't stop it. He can't leave it alone. He's troubled. Was he troubled? I don't know if he was troubled.

He was very... He did a lot of drugs. Oh if he was troubled. He did a lot of drugs. You think not? He did a lot of drugs. Because he had a dark side. Yes, I think he did. Oh, I've loved this link so far. This is probably my favourite. Who expected a William S. Borough's link?

Breakfast radio. Thanks, saying he was a little bit troubled. Yeah, he was. We've had a lot of people getting in touch about rag and bone men. Oh, yes. Haven't we, Al? Do you mean the men who... Are they always men?

I never remember a rag and bone woman in my childhood. Well, 240, why ask for old iron when it's probably the cheapest metal? Why not shout any old precious metals? Or soon, any old precious metals or soon any old coppers have you seen have you seen those have you seen those adverts on daytime

telly for gold do they advertise in gold people know about that don't they what do they say gold you ever thought of buying any gold? Yeah, I have thought about it, but, you know,

if I'm going to get married or something. There's one I could blow with a big handlebar moustache and say, look at these gold coins you can get. So freaky. Or it's offering to sell you gold. Buy gold? Sell gold? Just gold as a thing on an advert.

But also what's odd is it's sort of put your gold in an envelope. Yeah, I don't like that. Yeah, I'm going to do that. I mean, if I've got gold. I don't want gold. There's someone disgusting about gold. Oh, I love gold.

Okay. Do you love gold? Yeah. You said that really like, I love gold. You know, the trappings of gold champagne? They're all a bit naff. That's why I love it. Gold's one of my favourite things. I'm wearing gold as I speak.

You can't see it. Where is it? Don't ask that on the radio. Sickening. Sickening. It's all gone a bit Monaco. We're talking about Dragon Bone Man. Oh, yes, Dragon Bone Man.

I took us off onto a Roger of Corsi... Roger of Corsi. ...slide tributary. So, listen, again, I'm getting pressure from the... I know. She's becoming a main... You know what? She's becoming a real problem.

If you imagine creativity... We love her. if you imagine creativity if you imagine creativity as a car that's been clamped right that's what we've got to do the links

you know what I like pithy links yeah I went to school with her we're talking about Rag and Bone Man we should say why we're talking about Rag and Bone Man can I ask a question about Rag and Bone Man. We should say why we're talking about Rag and Bone Man.

Can I ask a question about Rag and Bone Man? Because before, when I referred to him as R&B Man, you said, oh yeah, R&B, I said. Is that why he's called Rag and Bone Man? Because he does R&B. He does R&B, sort of, doesn't he? Apparently he's named after Steptoe. He's named after Steptoe. But then it turns out that he's called Rory and his wife's called Beth.

Yes. Oh, R&B. Is that why he's called R&B, Matt? No. Oh. Does he drink a lot of rum and black? He's not called R&B, he's called Rag and Bone, Matt. That's true.

I know, but does he take the initials because he's Rory and Beth? They chime with a lot of his life. No, he likes Steptoe and Son. I don't know why you two, old school people, find it so odd to imagine that someone would be a fan of Steptoe. You should be embracing Rag and Bone. I know, but I do. But if I was a fan of Steptoe, I don't think I'd choose the generic Rag and Bone, man.

I'd go a bit more specific. I might call myself Hercules, which is the name of their horse. But that's because you're a second thought person rather than a first thought person. Surely R&B man is a second thought person. This is Rory Charles Graham we're talking about, who got married.

He got married and there was a... Congratulations. Yeah, well done, as Emily would say. Most insincere. Actually, they look like a really nice couple. I think they're a lovely couple. Can I just Actually, they look like a really nice couple. I thought that's nice. I think they're a lovely couple and they, can I just say They look like a fun wedding.

Well, Al, do you want to do the honours? It's not the wedding. I've got a theory about it. Well, Al, would you like to share what was the dress code for the wedding? The dress code appeared to be tracksuits. Sort of quite high-end designery, heavily patterned tracksuits

and jewellery and sunglasses. Okay, lovely attempt. Is that a good description? I noticed there's a couple of women still wearing heels. I noticed that, Frank! Well, this is what he went for. He had a camo

print. That's doing the bins, isn't it? It's very the bins, isn't it? He also did a tracksuit. It's very Katie Price, isn't it? You know, whatever's near the door, you wear it to the bins. He went for a camo tracksuit. Ralph Lauren, I believe it was.

Was it? With a Mercedes-Benz logo. You'll be hearing from my lawyers. In his jewellery. Well, quite. Embezzled with jewels. I thought those days were over. And she went for

a teal tracksuit customised with a print of her Sphinx cat, Patricia. I don't wonder where that was going. Do you know the Sphinx? I do know the Sphinx, yes. I also know I also know Gresham Blake

who was the person who designed her tracksuit. Shut up. Gresham did several suits for me. And also, I bought my partner Kath a suit from him. And she had a pinstripe suit. And when she got measured for it, it's in Brighton, Gresham Blake. This is extraordinary.

You having a fashion... I'm really angry about this. When she got measured for it, she kept saying, a bit higher, a bit higher, about the skirt. It was a higher... It's like the price is right.

And I said, that's getting very high, that skirt. And she said, no, no, I like it. And it did... I mean, it looked amazing, but it was short. Right.

I don't think she ever wore that skirt. She only ever wore the jacket. Once she put it on, I mean. That's for sure. It was really short. Yeah. I can use analogies and explanations. All of them, I think, would get us taken off here.

She's got a cracking pair of pins I know but there was a lot more being displayed right than that you can never have too much love

but the same clothing designer that was Gresham Blake who made Beth I'm calling her Beth and Bone Man

Beth and Bone Man's I'm really impressed that you know that you know all the fashion lovely shop in Brighton

I think she'd be Beth and Bone Man Beth and Bone Man yeah you would do wouldn't you what about my name's

Beth and Bone Man people say you're not married to Rag and Bone no no we're one of the sorry

and Bone Man Frank Skinner Absolute Radio No, we're one of the sorry bone men. We're talking about Mr Rag and Mrs Bone. Man, Mrs Bone. Rag, Nigel Bone is his actual name. Well, I think N is... I'm sorry, I do think it's a... I believe it's a particle. It's a nobiliary particle.

I feel like a nobiliary particle. Do you know the nobiliary particle? We spend way too much time on their name when we should be concentrating on the fact that they got married in tracksuits. This is your whole problem in life. Yes, but... You don't know what a nobiliary particle is

and it will hold you back. I don't know either. I'll be straight with you. OK, it's a D or a L. One of those with a... Or an O for the... Et cetera. Anyway.

Like Macho the Day. Exactly like that. I've always thought it should be called that, like Cock of the Walk. Exactly like that. I wish it was called Macho the Day. They got married in tracksuits, everyone. Not just any tracksuits, a Sphinx tracksuit.

Heavily patterned tracksuits. But can I say tracksuits, a Sphinx tracksuit. Heavily patterned tracksuits. But can I say, I looked at the congregation all in their tracksuits. In a group shot? Yeah. I felt like it needed somebody crouching

holding a football in that group shot. What I felt, there's nobody in it over about 35. Isn't there? No. True.

There is no wedding. There cannot be a wedding that Isn't there? No. True. There is no wedding. There cannot be a wedding that doesn't have older people. They might hate old people. I don't think this is the wedding, the real wedding. Also, let's be honest, who is in need of the comfortable leisure wear? People like us, the elderly.

But they don't look out. I don't look so good in leisure wear now. I like wearing a suit. Who cares? No, I think you do. I'll tell you what you look like in leisure wear. You look a bit Miami agent. Oh, yeah.

OK? There's a certain look. What I liked about the idea of it... I like having shoulders occasionally. I like the idea that the photos that were taken at, like, 1am or something after the party had presumably happened, they would have looked exactly the same as they did at the thing. Whereas if you've got like the top hat and tails, people end up, there's sort of decay, isn't there?

Like you see people, like bridesmaids with their hair down and their shoes off and everybody just looks a bit bedraggled by the end of the night. But in a tracksuit, they look exactly the same. Also, if I'm about to sit down and have a four-course meal... You want a drawstring? I want some give in my waist area. Absolute tomorrow.

But they all looked very cool. They didn't look like people who were flopping down to watch Match of the Day. Match of the Day. I imagined there was some very... Below the wits. I tell you, my first thought when I saw them as a young, cool group... I imagined there was some very... Below the wits. I tell you, my first thought when I saw them as a young, cool group was I bet there'll be some very complicated handshakes.

Oh, yeah. You know how much handshaking there is at a wedding? But it's going to be knuckle bashes and... Oh, my goodness. I also thought, I bet there's a lot of producers there. Yes. You know how producers, it's a bit like the cyclist thing. Producers used to be a small bespectacled man who turned switches

and now they've become stars in their own. Yeah. So I think this weekend there'll be a proper wedding. You think? With the older people and all that in suits. No, the older people are there. And I think we'll see a rag and. You think? With the older people and all that in suits. No! The older people are there. I can bring a man in a suit. They just weren't,

they just weren't allowed in the photo op. Right. But R&B doesn't, he doesn't strike me as the sort of bloke that wouldn't have his, you know,

older relatives and stuff. There'd be an old man out there. He's a nice bloke. He was a carer. I like what you're saying. What? He's a nice bloke

and says I don't want anyone over 35 here. No, they were not part of the Hennens. I like it. What, it's a nice plug on anyone over 35. No, they were not part of the Hennens. I saw that as the Maids of Honour.

I bet there's a wedding today, there's a proper Rag and Bow Man wedding and he'll be in pinstripes. 50p. 50p,

you've got it. Pinstripes. I'll tell you what, and if I win, I'll text Absolute Radio with my winnings. Okay, that's my theory.

Ritchie Firth is up next. So listen to that. Thank you so much for listening to us. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. Now get out.