The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Anton du Beak

Episode Date: January 26, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week it's party time as we celebrate Frank's Birthday. The team discuss bed bugs, swimming pools and spiders.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. And this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our little show on 81215. You can follow the show not only on Twitter, but also on Instagram. And that's with at Frank on the radio. Or you can email, go on, be traditional, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We still get letters, I'll be straight with you.

Yeah. Gifts. Cards. Oh, hashtag gifted. You were this morning. Yeah, I was hashtag gifted. I'm hashtag gifted every morning, darling. Oh, OK.

What do you like to hear? We've had some missives in, Frank. every morning, darling. Oh, OK. What do you like to hear? We've had some missives in, Frank. Missives, yes, certainly. This was via the interweb. OK. This is... Oh, God, you've said interweb. I'm afraid.

I'm afraid you're fired. I'm afraid I've said interweb. It's only a moment before you do misheard lyrics. Funny thoughts on the Royal Game of Ur at the British Museum. Oh, lyrics. Funny thoughts on the royal game of Ur at the British Museum from Frank on the Radio. I've created a basic maths version of the game

called Remainder Race. You could play it with your son, Buzz. Looking forward to it. A maths version. It's a maths version which I'm going to provide you with later. Remainder Race? Yes, Remainder Race. I'm guessing it's a maths version. It's a maths version, which I'm going to provide you with later. Remainder Race. Yes, Remainder Race. I'm guessing it's a decimal point thing, is it?

Yeah. It's got dominoes and all sorts on it. I didn't think it was a Brexit thing, Remainder Race. No. That's gone now. They've had that argument. Okay, well, that's lovely. Yeah.

I love a maths based game I don't Have they given us the rules? Or are they not telling us? Well, I'll share them with you later It looks good Is there a detailed rule analysis? There's all sorts going on

There's a link and everything Wow Look at what things people do I know Gareth Davis has been in touch From Wales We've also got... Look at what things people do. I know. Gareth Davis has been in touch. From Wales. I'm unaware of his exact location.

I'm guessing. Late to the party, podcast reader. The two aqua viaduct queries. Ah, yes. Last week we discussed the difference between an aqua duct and a viaduct. Yeah. We all had a lapse in our basic Latin, didn't we? We did.

Yeah, we did, but we sorted it out in the end, and that's what counts. Yeah. If a boat is carrying people over an aqueduct... Is this more maths? I think so. Does it temporarily become a viaduct? If it carries people over an aqueduct.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, they don't often have boats on them, do they? And number two, the Litchfield Canal Aqueduct over the M6 Toll carries no water. So is it just a duct? Oh. Oh. Oh, OK. I mean, that's quite a question.

Oh, you don't want to be known as the Litchfield Doct. No. That sounds like a salacious nickname. I did think of the show every time I saw the Stockport Viaduct this week. Did you? Yeah, every time. I'm glad you occasionally

think of the show every time. Saturday mornings. Yeah, yeah. That moves me considerably. I mean, I quite often see

hypnotists to just get the show wiped from me on Saturday lunchtime. Oh, don't say that. Then I rethink of it. No, I'm only kidding. We've had one of my favourite titled emails

of all the time that I've been doing this. How long is that, Al? I don't know, about six years or something in there? I don't know. Sighting of Frank running ten years ago is the title. Wow. Wowee. Light review.

Isn't it? Hi, Frank and Co. Last week, Frank mentioned that he used to go running. My dad happened to be in the room at the time. He said that about ten years ago, Frank ran past him in Vauxhall and he was smirking. Would love to know what he used to think about when running to cause such an expression.

Love the show, Imogen. What on earth were you doing? I find this very believable, though. Oh, well... He would have thought of a joke he's just made, don were you doing? I find this very believable, though. Oh, well... He would have thought of a joke he's just made, don't you think? Oh, it depends. It might have been something to do with his dad. Yeah.

Oh, maybe. Is he a funny-looking fella? Well, I mean, funnily enough, I can't remember seeing his dad ten years ago, no disrespect. But, yeah, you know, he doesn't mention the fact that his dad was dressed as Mother Goose. No, I remember finding running quite hard, but I used to run around Vauxhall quite a lot.

Out of clubs, normally. Or into that, yeah. Yeah, so when he said I saw Frank running, I immediately knew it was going to have sort of ten years on it because it's been a while since I've done it. We're my knees now, dear. But also we established last week, I think, that there's a... We started a controversy about it.

We really did. What was that called by one man? Well, anyway, he said it wasn't factually correct and he might be right but it was just... I always think factually correct. And he might be right, but it was just... I always think factually correct, Maris. It's always the dullest parts of conversation. Well, also, it was...

We're in a post-truth era, so who needs factually correct? It was I-M-H-O. Yeah. OK. Yeah, exactly. It was I-M-H-O. Yeah, don't blame the post office. Yeah. Yeah, it was blame the post office. Yeah.

Yeah, it was a theory that it damages your face, but we probably thought... Well, we just said it could be potentially ageing because it would prompt you to lose elasticity. I also think that's a bit chicken and egg. A lot of the great runners, you know, the reason they went running is their social life was a bit lame. So they went running in the evenings to get out of the house.

Right. So, you know. Was Roger Bannister, was he not great at company then? Roger Bannister? He was very good company on the stairs. That's rubbish. That is rubbish. I'm sorry.

I apologise to everyone. I hope we're equal for Interweb. I mean, fair enough, that would be comedy gold if it was capital. But on this show, simply not good enough. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 160 is slightly sledging me. Oh, no.

I'm sure Alan thinks about the show every time he sees his invoices being paid. Oh. Although it is tempered with lots of love, Gordon from St Albans. Do you know, I love a Gordon. Do you? You don't get many Gordons these days.

Name a Gordon you know other than Flash. Banks. Oh, yeah. But we're going back a bit, aren't we, for these Gordons? There aren't many. I think what happened, I think Jilted John. Remember when people used to say Gordon Bennett?

I just didn't call Gordon Bennett. Oh, I think I know the Jilted John thing. Jilted John, there was that song that went, Gordon is a moron. And I think probably a lot of people called Gordon had quite a hard time after that. And then the name. So I think Jilted John, who we had on the show once,

and who said to me, like you, Frank, I've had a great deal of tragedy in my life. And I thought, I haven't? Who's he got me mixed up with? But yeah, I think he probably put an end to the name Gordon. He's killed off Gordon. Yeah. We've had a request, Frank, from 033.

Alan, please do your Mickey Flanagan. Hashtag best impersonation ever. Ever? Oh, wow. Ever. Frank is the man of a thousand voices every week, and I'm getting ever for the one that I did. Man of a thousand voices, open brackets,

all of them a bit seven out of ten. Close brackets. I wouldn't suggest that. Imagine touring like that with that on your poster. Honest posters. Honest posters could revolutionise show business, couldn't they? Yeah. I saw John Coleshaw the other week at the Laurel and Hardy screening.

Oh, yeah. And I'd listened to a thing he'd done where he does a Tom Baker impression, and I would never ask anyone to do an impression, you know what I mean? So I said to him, I said, well, no, but this is more of a professional context, but I said to him,

I said, I really loved your Tom and he said, oh, well, yeah, that's because it went straight in. The impression is, what I like about it, some impressionists are slightly ashamed of it.

Not Coleshaw, man. He's impressionist to the bone. So come on and see your Mickey Flanagan. Come on, Mickey. Do me a favour. I can't really do him now. I've not seen him for ages. Oh, well, he's doing very well.

Yeah, yeah. That's what happens. Drop a hot potato. I'll do it next week. I'll text him and see him this week. Okay. Can I run this by you sure I was in an email

exchange with my personal assistant lovely keeping it real I had to ask her about five questions in one email about various things so I put all the questions in one email and then things. So I put all the questions in one email. Yeah.

And then at the end, I put, what are the 39 steps? Now, for those of you who think, what's he talking about? There's a film, well, there's a book originally. Richard Haney. Is that the character is Richard Haney? Yeah, written by John Buchan because famously

when Man United won the FA Cup, Martin Buchan was the captain and John Watson said there are 39 steps up to the Royal Box

and Martin Buchan ironically will be going up there now. And I thought no one else will get that in the world. I'm sure they did.

Anyway, so did I explain what the question was? So I wrote at the end of it, what are the 39 steps? Yeah. So I got, well, I'll tell you what happened after this. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I think we just got a 39 steps.

We did. We'll come to that anyway. So I'd said to my, I wrote, it was just like I wrote a lot of letters and so I sort of instinctively, a lot of questions. So I instinctively wrote what are the 39 steps? There's a famous question from literature, film and theatre indeed.

And my personal assistant wrote back answers to all these questions. And then at the bottom, she wrote, can you give me the context of the 39 steps question and then I felt bad about it I felt like I'd been a smarty so then I had to write back but I think we've had a 39 steps

well we've had that and a Gordon response 033 has said TV presenter Josephine Buchan is John Buchan's granddaughter. Shut up. I don't know who... I do. Do you?

Yes, I do. John Buchan? No, Josephine Buchan. She used to do a sort of dating show in the 90s. Okay. Oh. Very much my area. Well, in the film, there's a bit where they have

I think they actually use Leslie Welsh. Leslie Welsh was known as the memory man. Alright. And that was his... He wasn't the one in the newspapers. You know those memory adverts? Don't you see those memory ads

you get? Oh, improve your memory. Now this was, your memory now this was Leslie Wells this was his act so he'd go on stage and he'd sit at the table with his glasses on and somebody would say

who followed King James II and he would do a little bit and someone would say who won the FA Cup in 1937 and he'd do that that was his act this was like pre-Google Google obviously would have killed him off and someone would say, who won the FA Cup in 1937? And he'd do that. That was his act. Yeah.

This was like pre-Google. Google obviously would have killed him off. But that was what he did, and the whole idea that he could remember all these facts. And I think it might be him as in the film, because he's doing, there's a bloke doing his act, isn't he? Yeah. And somebody shouts out, what are the 39 steps? And a whole panic ensues.

Of course, if he was alive today, he'd be on the chase, I reckon. Oh, yeah, he would. And he'd be called something like the Viper. Yeah. I think so. The 033 continued, famous Gordon Strachan, that is all. That's a good point. Shout out to Gordon Strachan. I met Gordon Strachan, that is all. That's a good point. Shout out to Gordon Strachan.

I met Gordon Strachan, well, I met him a few times, but the last time I met him, he was talking about getting back into management because he was out of management. He said, I like making players better. That's what I do. And I said, what? He said, I like making players better. That's what I did and I said what he said I like making players better that's what I did and I thought I don't know what the last bit is see I can understand that yeah

and understand it you're like here are my people yeah exactly but you know if you're talking to someone like I met a bloke last night from Albury, where I come from, and I felt my accent go revert. But when I came to London, I tried to clean it up a bit. But Gordon is that you either join in or you don't. For our non-Scottish listeners, I think he was saying, that's what I do. Yeah, very much so. Just so you know, the gentleman from Oldbury has been in touch, actually.

Oh, yeah? Yes. He just said it was lovely to see you at our tiny local venue last night. What, in Oldbury? No. He says as a fellow Oldbury boy. Oh, okay. He's suggesting, yeah, he said it was funny to see you in Chiswick.

He felt that you both were out of place in Chiswick. Yes, well, Chiswick is, as a friend of mine used to say, the sort of place they have a sheet of newspaper under the cuckoo clock. Which he used to signify a posher area. I wonder if Roger Bannister was in the 39 Steps.

Very good. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I should say it's my birthday on Monday and the team have given me gifts, including a deluxe, and I'm quoting this from the box, a deluxe version of the Lewis Chessman in a proper chess set formation. May I say, a proper specialist chess shop. So there is a shop that is a chess shop.

Well, I assume that one could only buy these things online. Yes. But there is a shop with premises in Baker Street. I mean, could it get any more Victorian? Yeah, you could smell the pipe smoke in there. The deerstalker. And, yeah, it's in Baker Street. Proper old school.

But you liked it. It was huge, though, wasn't it? Yes. But, yeah, as you know, I'm a massive fan of the Lewis chessmen. And now I can, I mean, I don't fully understand chess. I know 80% of the rules. But my son's into it, so we can work that out together. And then also two receptacles.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. A Time Lord water thing, so that I don't destroy the oceans and the dolphins. Yes. Don't mention it. And a coffee cup so that I don't have to take... I mean, they're so save the planet.

Chess and two things that save the planet. I know. But, you know, I tell you what, I am a snowflake. Are you? I am. I was thinking about this today. You know, people associate the snowflake thing with younger people. I am a complete, I read poetry. And I don't like being shouted at in the street.

I'm a snowflake. I'm sensitive to criticism. Yeah. I'm going to get a T-shirt with snowflake on it. Speaking of which. Yes. A lady called Pam King, which sounds like some sort of activity. I might go Pam King later.

Who runs a small company, small at the moment, called Down to a T, which is a pun on T-shirts. Printed us off something. Only last week I was saying how much I like news. Yes. I'm a big fan of news. You said you like news. Yes. I'm a big fan of news. You said you like news, and then I believe I said I heart news. Oh, okay. And then somewhere we got to I heart news T-shirts as an idea,

and Pam has sent us. There's not a lot of news-based merch. You don't get many fans of news. No, you don't get much news merch. No. I wonder why that is. I mean, I'll tell you what, I think it is the most newsworthy bit of the paper but I don't heart world

news. Oh, I hate it. Do you know world news is my worst one? It's a struggle. Oh, somebody's shouting in West Africa. I mean, I think it's possibly arguable that it's the most important bit. I'm not sure of that or the... No, but I'm worse. Sorry. No, I was going to say, it's possibly arguable that it's the most important bit, but... I'm not sure... Or that, or the...

No, but I'm worse. Sorry. No, I was going to say, it's a close call. Yes, but the diet of men interrupting women like that are awful. Please continue, darling. No, it's that page you get to... It's that page you get to with all the dense racing figures. That's worse.

But I know the world news, I skip it. It's not just world news with me. It's that if there's been something happening in the paper and I look at it and it's more than about five miles from my house, I don't read it normally. I just want to know anything that might affect me personally. I mean, obviously world news might affect me. It might.

When I was a kid and people were saying the Russians could press the button at the moment, that was an example of world news that could have affected me. Yeah, yeah. But generally, look, if I lived in, I don't know, Japan, I wouldn't be reading about stuff in England and Britain. Do you think they've got a world news bit and it's all about Brexit and stuff?

Oh, but yeah, and they react like, wait a minute. Who cares about this rubbish? How's the Kamono Index? What about Niwa? This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio Frank I know it's a bit needy but you didn't mention my present

Oh sorry, sorry I was just doing group presents Emily bought me a very beautiful, do they still call them sweat shirts? Yeah, sweat, I'd go sweat. She bought me a sweat with Laurel and Hardy on it,

but I think I could feel the quality. Oh, lovely. As soon as I picked it up I thought, I'm looking forward to this being

against my old flesh. Oh. Do you know what, Al? It was worth the slightly humiliating experience of asking for it. Yeah. Because I love the feeling

now I've received it. Yeah. Yes, no, I'm sorry. I was just doing the group thing. Oh, for goodness sake. So, yes, thank you. Oh, can I say, by the way, newsflash.

Yes. There's a headline in today's Mirror. Katie Price, colon. That isn't, I mean, the punctuation. No. Katie Price, colon, I'm done with pink. Oh, I didn't know they were going out. No, I mean, Katie Price says she's getting rid of the colour pink from her life because, and I quote,

it has, here comes the quote, become an omen now. Yeah. How do you mean? Oh, continue it. Yes, it says the unlucky star who famously drives pink cars and regularly dresses from head to toe in fuchsia, okay, says she's done with pink and re-evaluating her life,

thinking about the fuchsia. Very good. I'm wondering if it's just pink that's to blame. Well, in a disastrous year, the former glamour model was handed two driving bans for speeding and driving while disqualified and faces a drink drive trial next month, all in a pink Range Rover.

Well, I don't know if that's it. I don't know if that's at the core of it. I'm just going to adjust the arm of my chair. Oh, dear. I thought that was your spinal cord. Yeah, I've seen a chiropractor whilst we're on air. Do you think it's more than the shade, Frank? I don't.

If she gets something cool and says, well, the thing is, it's my pink. It's becoming an omen now. I don't think it's going to work. And I love Katie Price. Yeah. But I think you've got to look for other options. Yeah, maybe deal with your admin.

By the way, I was there. What about this? Rather than pink. I did a gig the other night and you know after a gig you get a few people

come up and say you know whatever can I get a photo with you and stuff like that so I did a gig

and I spoke to a bloke and asked him what he did and he said well he's 85 so I said what did you he said well I was a writerke and asked him what he did, and he said, well, he's 85, so I said, what did you...

He said, well, I was a writer. 85 and still alive. Yeah, 85, still alive, and he was a writer. Oh, yeah. And I said, and, you know, that's always a bit embarrassing. They've all often written nothing. Anyway, this bloke had written about 500 famous television... Touch of Frost, The Avengers, The Sweeney.

Oh. And he was with a mate and he says uh so i started to enter the mate and the writer the writer was called richard harris said don't you know this is a very famous actor and i looked at him and i said you look like brian murphy from george and mildred and i got it i thought there aren't many comics who would have got that in one in a gloomy room. Was it him? Yeah, it was him. So we had a long chat. Oh, you would have been pleased by that.

He's a great actor. Anyway, he was one of those Joan Littlewood and all that, you know, socialist theatre. All right. Anyway, when I left the gig, he was doing autographs and photos. I just walked out. You got on the tube. Yeah, completely ignored. Anyway, when I left the gig, he was doing autographs and photos. I just walked out. You got on the tube.

Yeah, completely ignored. He had a limo. There's a thing, if ever I'm asked for an autograph or anything in church, I always say, this isn't my gig. Do you? Yeah. Brian's all right with it, though. Another bloke came up to me after a gig this week and said uh oh last time i saw you he says going back a bit he says you were in great yarmouth doing a show with jim davidson

right i said uh i don't think so and i wasn't 100 that was the terrible thing about it i said he said yeah you did a great bit when you were on stage and and he goes off and he's gone to the toilet but he's left his microphone on and i said no i don't know but i wasn't that's the terrible thing i said now i'm almost certain but not because i remember playing great yarmouth which is what you're talking about but all i remember was i was on with stevie star the regurgitator. Oh, yes. Do you remember him? Yeah, of course I do.

He's coming back to you now. Yeah. Yeah, very much. Thank you. Very good. He used to, he used to, that was a good gag.

He used to swallow goldfish and then cough them back up again. He used to be, he was very, sort of on The Last Resort, which was Jonathan Ross' show. Oh, was it? Yeah. swallow goldfish and then cough them back up again. He used to be, he was very, sort of on The Last Resort, which was Jonathan Ross' show. Oh, was he? Yeah.

On all those ghoulish things. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So you think you did, you were on a bill with him? I don't think I've ever done, I'd remember, wouldn't I, doing a show with Jim Davis

and in great yarmouth. You think so? But, you know, you get old. Especially if you did a set piece. Well, I remember all sorts of other deeds. There was a bloke, there was like a bloke who was doing a,

actually ripping off somebody else's hat, the balloon dance, which I did tell him about. And he said, no, a lot of people do it. Not true. But anyway. I'm really glad you remonstrated with him over that. But anyway, this bloke,

and the same bloke said to me we've had a bit of trouble he said because i um i run a dwarf throwing uh show wow and i thought okay and he said they're banning us in some places absolutely he said i wrote to margaret thatcher which puts a date on this and she wrote back to me and she says she always does her best to support small businesses. And I thought, was that a gag from Margaret Thatcher or a stop? I think she might have done a gag. Not oft remembered for a hero. No, exactly, we forgot that.

She was doing a bit of material. We forgot that element of her career, the wise crack. Skinner, Dean and Cochran, together The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show

on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio and, 15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram, at Frank on the Radio. And email the show via the Absolute Radio website. BTW. Oh, yeah. I had Daisy from the Guinness World Records thing. Trips off the tongue, doesn't it? Yeah.

I was going to say Guinness Book of Records, and then when I look at the logo, it says Guinness World Records. They're not tying themselves to the book. Oh, OK. Probably an online presence as well now, I shouldn't wonder. And they've sent a signed copy

of the Guinness World Records. Oh, is that your stomach, Al? Yeah, I was trying to get the... Oh, I? I was trying to get the stomach rumbled so they've sent a congratulations I've signed a copy of the Guinness World Records book for Boz

my child who loves it for some reason he absolutely loves it not for some reason it's obviously it's a hardy annual annual who loves it. For some reason, he absolutely loves it. Not for some reason. It's obviously... It's a hardy annual. Annual. OK.

Love that designer. And Margaret Thatcher would have rejected that. As a joke. Yeah. Turns out Margaret Thatcher, one of the great political comics. Can I just say to someone who's tweeted us in response to Frank's haul, and said, all for free, no doubt.

Au contraire, my friend. I paid for that sweatshirt and all the goods were paid for. Thank you. I got them for free, which is what normally happens on a birthday. I bet you didn't put your hand in your pocket for your birthday present. We're explaining gifting to the texter. So this is also from the Guinness World Records.

Emily should need to know that she needs to beat 9.58 seconds to break the 100 metres world record. I like the fact you're writing that down. I've written it down? I just wrote that down. Do written it down i just wrote down and you know what i like that the guinness are involved now oh that's good they will be afterwards and i'm celebrating and uh for frank he still holds a record with um now this is a slight

it's a slight misspelling so but um from daisy that she says the lighting seeds and David Padilla. The lighting seeds sounds like a company that come round and change your bulbs. Anyway, and now she says we can send him a certificate for first song to reach number one on four separate occasions if he'd like one. You bet I'd like one. Great. If you've got a spare...

Has she met you? If you've got a spare certificate, can I have one for having the song that dropped the most places from number one? 96 in a week. Wow. I mean that is going some, isn't it? I know. That's

lovely though Daisy. Thank you for all of that. Wow. I feel a bit stiff with stress now that the Guinness team have got their eye on me Frank. I can't wriggle out of this now. No I can I can't wriggle out of this now. No, I can see that. I can't Roy Wigley out of this. I'm going to be doing it.

I'd love to see it. It's going to be a great moment. It's going to happen. Yeah. Oh, the Fezzers arrived. I was just going to ask you about the cricket, but we'll have to come back to that. Good on you.

In that case, the Fez has saved the day. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Go on. I was going to ask you about the cricket, but anyway. Can I just say, though, it's a signed copy of... Apparently it's not called the Guinness Book of Records anymore. I can't believe that's changed.

The world of records. It's like when me Guinness Book of Records anymore. I can't believe that's changed. The world of records. It's like when I was, me and David Baddiel did a show and we referred to Dr. Barnardo's and we got letters from them saying we called Barnardo's now. Oh yeah. I thought poor old Dr. Barnardo. Yeah they rebranded. He worked hard for that degree. Doctorate. Yeah. And then he got

relegated to just a normal everyday fella. Right. We did shots of him, David Baddiel as Dr. Bernardo, being turned away from the children's home. Of course you did. So the signed copy of the Guinness World Records, is that signed by Arth Guinness? Good question.

Do you remember Arth? No. Don't remember Arth. Arth Guinness always used... I think his signature might still be on Guinness bottles and stuff. Oh, really? I presume he was a big daddy Guinness who started the whole ball rolling. Oh, I see.

But Arth, never Arthur. He's a casual, laid-back character, as you can imagine. Nothing to do with the Guinness World of Records or Book of Records. I always associated MacWhorter with that. Was he on the payroll, MacWhorter? I know you've got inside info here, Frank. I thought there was two MacWhorters, weren't there? Oh, yes, he had a brother, yeah.

I think they were twins, weren't they? Yeah. They're probably in the Guinness Book of Records. Sorry, what's it called? Guinness World Records. World Records. World Records. For a twin. Them and the cheeky girls

will be on the same page. That's the chances of that happening. Mrs. Logic, happy birthday to a true national treasure. Lovely. A lot of birthday messages.

It's not his actual birthday, can I say? Mrs. Logic. Well, you know, but I'm calling it my birthday weekend. Okay. I think that's the way to do it.

I thought that was someone telling us that we'd missed some logic. Mrs. Logic. I was thinking, which one? Which bit? We've had loads of logical fallacies. Emily is going to do this 100 metres world record attempt. She's actually going to do it.

It's going to be great. What would we think? Al, you're a... Oh, yeah, you're a runner. You're a physical. I'm not. You're a physical man, though. I'm barely running. He's not a runner, he're a physical. I'm not. You're a physical man, though. I'm barely wrong.

He's not a runner, he's a fighter. I'm certainly not a fighter either, but... But, you know, I have an exercise in it, an interesting exercise. What would you guess was the question? It would be Emily's time. Well, this is the thing, we need to guess the times, yeah. Okay.

Given that the world record is 9.58... You're not going to like my guess. You're not going to like the guesses. You're not going to like the guesses. I can take it. Come on. It's not going to be miles off that. It's not going to be 25 seconds. 25 seconds was going to be my guess.

Really? Yeah. Okay. You want to go 25, Frank Skinner? I think it'll be 16.5. Okay. Okay. Let's see who the victor is. I think it'll be 16.5. Okay. Okay.

Let's see who the victor is. I think Emily will be quicker than you might think. Well, that would be, yeah. That's my strap line. I agree. Are we going to have a hair on a piece of... Oh, that'd be good. ...on a thing like they do with the greyhounds?

That'd be good. Oh, there'll be a hair extension. with a greyhound that'd be good or it'll be a hair extension what place have we got spinning I think we were about and I'm hesitant to say this I think we were about

to discuss cricket weren't we oh yes but don't worry if you don't like cricket we're not going to talk cricket, weren't we? Oh, yes. Don't worry if you don't like cricket. We're not going to talk cricket cricket. And if you do like cricket, also don't worry. We're not going to talk the fact about England being humiliated. We did badly, didn't we?

We are doing badly. Did you? Let's not change things. Well, I actually want to talk about the curious incident of Stuart Broad and the bedbugs. Oh, yeah. This is a curious incident. Oh, yeah.

You've heard about this? Mm-hmm. So, correct me if I get any of these bits of facts wrong, but they're in Barbados at the moment, is that correct? That is correct. Let me set this up for you. Sure. Underneath the mango tree tree me honey and me.

Keep going. Honestly I thought you were going to give us who England are playing or what. Well we're playing the West Indies. Yeah get that now. Sort of commentary I thought there was going to be a quick praise for you. Great information contained in it. There's a great many English people

out there. Other? I mean a lot yeah. That's a good bit of commentary. there. Other? I mean, a lot, yeah. That's a good bit of commentary. And, you know, they cut to the crowd quite a lot and there's a lot of English people who have taken their shirts off and are having a large drink and you think they're going to get burnt. Yeah. The cricket fan has changed somewhat over the years.

Yeah, I mean, you know, God bless them, but there is an element of national obesity crisis on tour. Right. And I think I've watched that happen at cricket. People get drunk and just, you can watch, see the smoke rising from their shoulders as they burn. Right. Not with Broad, though.

Oh, you know, don't you know Stuart Broad? He gave me a bat. Did he? Well, I've heard some euphemism. Do you know, I've still got that bat. I should hope so. And I keep it for intruders. Oh, yeah.

But it's one of those small bats, isn't it? No, it's huge. Oh, it's a proper bat. It's a proper crystal bat. I thought it was one of those little autographed bats. No, it's a full-size, man-size bat. Oh, well, fair enough. It was lovely that he gave that to me.

It was? Yes, that's nice. What was the context? You filmed with him or something, didn't you? Yes. I'm worried now I've gone under thin ice. I was worried because I tried to remember the context, but it's all okay, it turns out.

Okay. You were working with him and Jim Davison in Grey Yard. On our tour, Legends. Legends tour. You know, there was a Legends tour. Was there? I took a photo with you and Frank, yes. Oh, excellent.

I will show you later. No, I filmed with him for Big Fat Quiz of the Year when I was working on that, which he did not long ago. Oh, okay. Anyway, never mind the bat, which you did not long ago. Anyway, never mind the bat, what about the bugs? Yes. Because it turns out, I mean, we are getting

all our info from Aggers. Jonathan Agnew, who is a cricket... He's sort of our man in Barbados. I thought you meant Agnes Moorhead, who played the mother-in-law in Bewitched. No, Jonathan Agnew. OK.

You don't think he's a trustable source, Agnes? No, I think he is, but it's just that... We should say what's happened. He revealed, he knows the family, and he said, Stuart Broad has been bitten in a sensitive area by bedbugs. OK. He said, I went out and inspected him on the outfield. Well, it can't have been that

sensitive, Harry. Does he mean his outfield? He's lucky they weren't occupying the crease. Yeah. He was forced to move rooms, apparently. Oh, dear. There were rumours that the entire team were sleeping

in mattresses outside their hotel, on mattresses I should say outside their hotel room. Is that, I've never encountered bed bugs before but are they that territorial that they'll only go in beds so if you move the mattress just sort of six feet outside the door they go, oh no no no

we don't cross boundaries. You'd think they lived in the mattress so taking the mattress outside is... But do they know we're bed bugs? Like they know they're unlabeled. So they don't regard

the mattress as bed. That's part of the bed. They are ridiculously pedantic bed bugs. They are pedantic. They're like those people that only watch BBC One and won't switch over.

But why is the frame, why is the bed frame more bed than the mattress? I don't understand. The bed bugs need to consider their vocabulary and definition system. They're missing out on some lovely treats as well. Yeah, exactly. Insisting on staying to that frame.

So as soon as you start moving the mattress into the corridor, you can see them moving onto the frame. Just fleeing. Yeah. That fleeing is good. Thank you. It wasn't deliberate. Lovely.

I like that. Well, I don't know. I didn't know they were so instillar. It's a bit like sometimes when you're driving and there's a flash warning saying animals on the highway for one mile and you think, well, how do they know that it's one mile? What if the animal is running in the direction I'm going? There could be animals on the highway for a mile and a half. They mean dead animals.

Oh, do you think so? I think they've fallen off the back of a butcher's van. No, I thought it was about them running around, because you'd need to know. Roadkill hazard, that's what they're talking about, yeah. Some really big roadkill. They had to put a warning out. Oh, OK.

Yeah, horse roadkill. They had to put a warning out. Oh, okay. Yeah. Horse roadkill hazard warning. There is a symbol for that. I don't know what I like about it. They have the four legs going straight up in the air. I think it's disrespectful. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

Apparently, Stuart Broad ended up sleeping in his whites. Why would that be? In order to protect himself. Well, presumably, I think Aga said he went to bed fully padded up with his whites on. Not padded. Not padded off. But he slept in his clothes. Slept in his box, maybe.

Maybe. But would that help though because like sometimes you step on like an ant or an insect or something and it seems like i don't no but accidentally he's a snowflake remember on a hot summer's day like you could accidentally step on a little bug but quite often it doesn't harm them anyway because of the grip of your trainers they just sort of ever since an ant told me not to do that, I don't. Did he? Yeah. Well, he would do, wouldn't he? Yeah.

He's on their side. It's his family members. Yeah. It's his rallies. Yeah. But surely the cricket box would not prevent a... I think it might keep them out. You think?

Yeah, if you get like like, a vacuum on it. Oh, knowing bedbugs, they'd be like, hang on, we're not box bugs. What do you know about bedbugs? We're not crossing the... I've never encountered them. My sister-in-law had... She had a bad... Oh, I remember.

It was the worst bedbugs. A bad bedbug experience in Edinburgh at the festival. It's terrible. And, in fact, we Edinburgh at the festival. It's terrible. In fact, we were at the Pleasance, which is a well-known venue in Edinburgh, and Adam Kay, who went on now to be a best-selling writer, with This Is Going To Hurt.

That's a big, top-selling book. Yeah. And I remember he just took her to one side of the stairwell where we were going to a show. It was all very above board. It was totally above board. It was actually above the bar and just checked out her bedbugs, not in inappropriate places,

and verified and gave us some advice on treatment. We should say he's an ex-surgeon. No, no, he's not just a chancer. No. No, I think he's done the medical thing. Even Dr. Bernardo. Brothers in arms.

Yeah. It's a strange story. Also, Stuart Broad didn't play in this game. He was dropped. He couldn't have been dropped, could he? Well, apparently it was because of the bedbugs. No. This is what the haggars were saying. What, he was dropped because of bedbugs?

Have you ever had bedbugs? No. It's awful. Have you had them? I've had it once, yes. You don't. Get out. Yes.

You of all people. Not in my domicile, I should say. It happened when I was a student I thought you'd be wearing... Weren't you wearing something by L'Anthique, which wards them off? That's a fragrance, but anyway. Yeah, exactly. That's what I meant.

Oh, I see. OK, Frank. The vapours, I meant. OK, tweed, I believe it was, wasn't it? Was it? Charlie, I can see you. Oh, Charlie? I can see you in Charlie. OK. Thanks for that.

Well, I slept in some terrible accommodation in the 80s. I mean, I really, I moved. Central Reservation? No, no, but I moved. I think it was, I moved nine times in a year and a half. Right. And I stayed in some rough slop houses. Yeah. And never, never. Right. And I stayed in some rough slop houses. Yeah. And never

experienced a bed. Slop houses. Yeah, so you know. Mind you, I was wet in the bed quite a lot. I imagine. They might not like that. Yeah, I think that is the poor man's pesticide. It does help if you

drown them. Yeah, well I think also the acidity. Too much for them. Poor man's pesticide it does help if you drown them yeah well i think also the acidity too much for them poor man's pesticide actually if you're gonna call that if you're gonna market it as uh as pesticide i think i've just thought of the brand name it's quite a good point This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. There's a bit in the write-up about the cricket where it says that Stuart... Not Stuart. Yeah, Ben Stokes said... That was Buzz's favourite.

Yeah. On the close of day one, he'd taken three scalps. Yeah, that's right. That's... No, no, but it's. That's quite graphic imagery, isn't it? One can imagine Ben Stokes actually doing that on a bender. He's been in the media for a while. Anyway, you must clear. No, he's...

But is that OK, that phrase? As Boz said in his tribute to Ben Stokes, when they had to pick a role model at school, a great batter and a great bowler, and also has the same hair colour as me. Oh, nice. So, yeah, he's got everything. Let's hope he wasn't reduced to sleeping on a mattress

outside the hotel room last week. No, exactly. Although I bet it's not his first time. And that wrote, you know. In a sort of student hijinks way. Yeah. I mean, I've kept a few broads up all night

myself, but, goodness, goodness me. But it's, if you went back from a tour with a,

a suspicious disease, it's a great fallback position, isn't it? The bed bugs. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I love you and your relatable content

yeah I prolonged our contact with me there as well a little tip for you there Alan for the younger comics you can have that you know when you're coming back from a tour with a suspicious disease it will be there next time you do an interview, what advice would you give

to younger comics? There you go. You've got your answer. Just have the bed bugs. Just have it up your sleeve. Do you know what I hate most about bed bugs? What do you hate most about bed bugs,

Emily? They've got beaks. You are joking. How gross is that? Do they? Little beaks. Oh, have they? Yeah. that little beaks oh i have that yeah bug beaks i mean who do they think they are some tropical bird it's not your business to have beaks yeah you're right that just makes me

sick the idea of them pecking away at me with their beaks disgusting very david attenborough on today's show he'll set up a fight with them. He likes doing that. Who, Attenborough? He likes to set the animals. That's what Frank says. He goes into species. That'd be a fight with an ant.

That'd be worth seeing. Ant on the beak. Oh, dear. We need something for that. There needs to be music. It's extraordinary. Hold on, we'll see. There needs to be music. It's extraordinary. Hold on, we'll see what we see. We have to mark this moment in.

Probably an award eventually. I mean, I've only found out about their beaks in the last few seconds. That was extraordinary. I was thinking more one moment in time, Whitney Houston. That's how big it was for me. Apparently, they go for exposed flesh, obviously.

That'll be why he got out and put his whites on. Legends! Yeah, but... Oh, God. He must be... Poor, six, five, six, six, Stuart Broad. I would say Stuart... Is he tall, not broad?

Yeah, he's tall and broad. He's not broad at all, he's slender broad. No, he's not broad at all. He's slender. Oh, is he? Jagarian on the hip front. Is he? Yeah. I'd say 6'4", I'm going, Brodie.

He sounds very ectomotor. I'm going to go 6'5". Can we get some boffins on the case, please? Hi to Stuart Broad. Anyway, Alan? I've no idea. That's not playing the game. Oh, okay, 6'3".

We have a family member who is 6'7". Yes, you do. And he has problems with hotel beds, generally. His feet stick out the bottom. So maybe that was happening to, I'm going to say, Brodie. Yeah. Maybe the bare feet were sticking out and they just couldn't resist it.

What height did you say for Brodie? Pardon? What height did you say for Brodie? What did I say? 6'5". 6'5", yeah. I went 6'3". Okay, I went 6'4". Frank's right. 6'5". There you go! I mean, you made that joke. You got the height right.

Can we do his weight? Are we guessing his weight next? No, let's not do his weight. I'm enjoying a guessing game. I don't think he should be sleeping in his whites, though. No. Don't sleep in your uniform. Don't ever sleep in any clothes. But on a night like that, look,

have you ever been in a hotel room when you wake up and you're absolutely freezing cold and you put the robe on? Oh, yes, you've always said you don You don't like the belt, do you? It literally never happened to me. The karate belt knot. Yeah, you've got the knot. When you lie on the knot. I don't know that wrestler, actually.

I've never encountered him. No, it's a terrible... Sleeping in a dressing gown is a terrible, terrible thing. Well, it feels so comfy. It always feels like a good idea, but you're so right. The persistent knot. Toweling against the skin's not a good idea, but you're so right. The persistent knot. Toweling against the skin's not a good thing.

But don't sleep in shoes. No. Have you ever slept in shoes? Only on the street. But those were darker times. We don't discuss that on Breakfast Friday. It's supposed to be all light and happiness. Do you not listen to Chris Evans?

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily, Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show

via the Absolute Radio website. I was just going to say, you love a song with whistling in it. Yes, there aren't nearly enough. There aren't a few. Jealous guy? Yes. We've had an email common people

how dare you yes has that got whistling I think I'm thinking of the R2D2 cover surely George Formby

must have some whistling going on one of his not much he seems the type not much hard with those teeth I think

I had a little glance through the Friday night emails you know I like to trawl through and see if there's any fish worth catching. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, the Friday night trawler, last week you were discussing New Year resolutions. We were actually a bit late to the New Year resolution chat, weren't we? Yeah.

Mine is to set off the AE Houseman alarm. Oh, OK. Oh. is to set off the A.E. Houseman alarm. Oh, OK. Oh! I should explain that due to an accidental reference, I think it was maybe Tim Key was on as a guest. Yes, I think it was. A long time ago. It was B.C., it was before Cockerell.

And we mentioned A.E. Houseman, the great poet, and of a Shropshire lad fame. Yes. And a very weird sound suddenly went off in the studio, which I explained was the A.E. Houseman alarm. Not every time he's mentioned, but the first time he's mentioned any one week this alarm goes off. It was fictional but afterwards so

many people texting about A.E. Houseman that we actually got an alarm. I know. And it's actually on my list of jingles it's there as A.E. Houseman alarm. There it is. We haven't played it for ages. No but it'll always be there.

Your New Year's resolution Don and also you've made me very happy. It's nice to have a wish granted, isn't it? Yeah. They continue, hey presto. Incidentally, I think they were expecting us to hit the alarm. Yeah. Hey presto. Incidentally, whatever happened to hey presto?

Often used by 1970s magicians or adverts on the shopping channel or people in shopping centres demonstrating products. Yes. Yeah? Yeah, Hey Presto. It seems to have gone. It was the sort of British equivalent of Evoila. Yes.

Okay. Well, there was a comic, sorry, a magician called Fay Presto. Yes. Who I think... Lovely bit of wordplay there. Used to drive round in a 1960s mourners car. Oh. I know because I've driven that car.

I drove it back from Birmingham to South London one night when it belonged to another comic called Malcolm Hardy. Oh, right. It's quite a big... What, a hearse, essentially? No, it's a mourners car, so you wouldn't... Oh. Not for the deceased. Not for the coffin, right. It's quite a big... What, a hearse, essentially? No, it's a mourner's car, that's it. You wouldn't... Not for the deceased, but the family.

For the family. A big vehicle. Still, when I looked in the rear-view mirror, I mean, they were way back. Absolutely way back. Don't want to parallel park that, do you? You hate reversing, even in a normal-sized car. It was quite a journey.

Let's put it this way, I only looked in the rear-view mirror once. God, that was educational. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. On the subject of New Year's resolutions, excuse me, mine's to clear my throat more. No, it's not, I'm just making that up. Mine's to clear my throat more. No, it's not. I'm just making that up.

Mine's to clear mine less. Is it? To battle on through that sound and make it my own. That would be a radio. Louis Armstrong built a career of it. Two colors of the rainbow. I think I'm going to try and change my outlook on the world, my natural disposition.

I think it might be a little bit dour no i think it might i'll give you an example back well i'm gonna do a little test i i tried to take my daughter swimming recently and we got to the swimming pool and i thought wow the car park's very empty the pool very quiet it could be a good sign we might get the whole pool great we walked up to the uh door and they said there was a sign up saying the uh gym is open but the pool is closed due to an incident all right just a piece of paper i went back where this is going well i went back and i mentioned it to my wife and she said that you know, someone's done a solid in the pool. Oh.

Oh, is that what it is? And then I said to somebody else, and they said someone's done a solid in the pool, and my first thought was fatality, so that's obviously that I'm the baddie in this, aren't I? Oh, because you don't have to say anything more. By the way, I have no resolution. I don't know what it was,

but my brain went much worse than everybody else's. Three people I mentioned it to, and they all thought it was just a toilet incident. I'd be prepared to swim if it was just that. What, a solid or a fatality? No, not with a fatality. I'd feel

disrespectful. I'd be happier swimming with a fatality than with that. It's more self-contained, isn't it? I can swim around that, whereas that permeates. No, I'd feel that. I agree. I think, I think.

I would honestly rather swim with a corpse. Now you're joking. What about when you swim over them? I don't care. I don't honestly feel more comfortable with a corpse. You are. What? I would.

Broken Britain. No, I agree with Emily. Really? If there's been a solid, I think they need to change the water. Would you rather swim with excrement or a corpse? 8, 12, 15.

I knew this had legs. At first I thought there was a tension, but I knew it had legs. It's one of life's great dilemmas, isn't it? It could be. And can the lady from Guinness Book of Records

please send me the best ever texting on Breakfast Radio certificate. Oh my goodness. Well, I'm surprised. So you really would go excrement?

I'm not messing around now. Please, let's not talk about messing around. Stop your messing around. I'm absolutely, I'm horrified that you'd rather sleep with the swimmer than the deceased. We didn I'm absolutely, I'm horrified that you'd rather sleep with the, swim with the deceased.

He didn't say anything about that. No, that you'd rather swim with the deceased than the discarded. Well, you want to change your water, don't you? Well, there's a lot of water there. I mean, if you had a pint of beer and an insect landed on the top, say some sort of, I don't know, crane fly, and you took that off, you know, it's been in there, but you think, well, it's a small insect and a big pint,

you'd carry on drinking, wouldn't you? You wouldn't reject that, wouldn't you? Yeah, you're right. Well, there you go. I win. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I think we found out, didn't we, that the time I read out was actually the men's record. Yes. So the women's is 10.49, I understand, which sounds a bit more reasonable.

Yes. And apparently, and that same lady who sent that in said, has predicted me 17.2 seconds. Okay. Fall somewhere between you and Alan. Talking of falling, we were discussing what you would rather swim with. I don't know quite how this happened. Yeah.

It was me. It was you, Alan. My bad, as they say, I believe. It was collective responsibility. Not sure. And we took it to an unpleasant area. It need, as they say, I believe. It was collective responsibility. Not sure. And we took it to an unpleasant area. It needn't have gone there. But we ended up doing a text-in.

Frank? Yes, which is, would you rather swim with human excrement in the swimming pool or a dead body? I was very clear which side I fell on. Okay, yeah. Which was the dead body. I was shocked that both of you went for dead body.

Oh, yeah. That's ghoulish. Well, 736, it really would depend on how long the corpse had been there. Oh. That's Trevor. It's getting worse, you see? I wouldn't be at all bothered how long the poo had been there. 806, defo corpse.

There's absolutely loads of these. I can't believe I'm in a minority on this. What about 010R? I'm with Emily. I'd rather swim with the dead than poo. That's from Fran. Don't... I haven't really...

If you'd have asked me to predict this, I would have said, if you got one person who would prefer the deceased to the discharged. Yeah. Really? Well, Alan, what about, we've got a pool engineer. What is it with people?

Oh, pool engineer, he'll have an interesting... Three-line name. He, this is Dave, I'm a pool engineer. Unbeknown to swimmers they swim in faecal matter every swim seems a bit extreme to empty the pool

to me just because you can see it oh he's bringing an expert view yeah I think I think he's speaking sooth oh dear

they don't empty the pool do they I'd like them to I'd like to think oh you need a butterfly net yeah you'd think yeah to be honest the pool that do they? I'd like them to. I'd like to think they would. All you need is a butterfly net. Yeah, you'd think.

Yeah. To be honest, the pool that I was discussing isn't that clean that I think they would change the water. That was why I was thinking that it was probably

a corpse for the admin. And I speak as a certified snowflake. It wouldn't bother me even slightly. If I could, you know, if it was at my side like a couple of water wings, it wouldn't bother me. Some people like dolphins, whereas I...

Well, 508 has said, having experienced the swimming with a number two in a public pool, I fully agree. Give me a corpse any day. Oh, what? What number? What number is a corpse? Strange turn of phrase, granted. It has a number too.

What the hell is a corpse? It continues. The form mentioned can move a lot quicker across the water, but of course when you bring it to the attention of the lifeguard they look at you as if it was yours. You wouldn't get that with a corpse.

That's true. Although if you brought the corpse to the attention of the lifeguard, wouldn't they feel that you were accusing them of slacking? I mean, we should say just to sum up, a lot of people are suggesting, which is a fair point, a reasonable point, that you would get what somebody has referred to as the double whammy. Because when you die...

Oh, yes. I won't take it any further. That's one of the science bits on the show, though. I think we might have to leave this. Yes, let's move on. Let's move on from this link. might have to leave this yes let's move on let's move on from this link this is frank skinner absolute radio i don't want to continue this on too long i realize we've come to the end but if you've got if you've got there's just one i'd like to share with you frank from

amanda who says i'm with frank the poo not the dead person. Thank you, Amanda. The voice of reason. While Amanda continues, surely you can wash off the former, the latter would linger psychologically forever. Well, I agree. I agree. That's beautifully put, Amanda. It's spot on. Okay.

And thanks to everyone who is in sociopath corner over with me and Alan. I mean, that has shocked me. That's just made me think. Lesser of us? It just made me think, you know, you see a statistic that makes you think differently about the world. Oh, yeah.

Remember when we did, remember I did a show on ITV called Don't Ask Me, Ask Brittany, which we did surveys. And we said, should you be able to put... What are those things that you put into... Use them on dogs and stuff so you can trace them. They put them under their skin. Oh, yeah, trackers.

Oh, yes, yeah, microchips. You should be able to put a microchip on your children to know where they're gone. Yeah. Which they have to wear where they're gone. Yeah. Which they have to wear until they're 18. Mm. And, like, about the majority of people thought it was a good idea. Terrible.

Astonished. Extraordinary. Yeah. Anyway, I've got one. It's no good flying in the face of popular opinion. Frank uses it for me and Alan. Imagine if Frank did that, Tractile Movements, all week. Oh, mine would be quite boring.

Oh, I don't believe that. You're a professional comedian. Yeah, exactly. It'd be mainly like, oh, he's on the motorway again. Anyway, so, I'll tell you what has struck, has caught my eye. Go on. Oh, yeah.

There was a sort of, you know what I was talking earlier about when I played This Is The End Of The World As We Know It, and if you heard that, if you just heard that, you might think me saying This Is The End Of The World As We Know It is a statement, you know, a newsflash. Yes. There was a thing in Australia where... Down Under. Down Under.

Down Under. Yeah. Where a man was heard to be using menacing and threatening language. I can't, you know... Oh, yes, this is the Spider-Man. Yes. Not that kind of Spider-Man. And he said, why don't you die?

Yeah. Yeah, he's very scared of spiders, this character. To a spider. But they heard this thing, why don't you die? Yeah. Yeah, he's very scared of spiders, this character. To a spider. But they heard this thing, why don't you die? Why don't you just die? And this banging. And they thought, oh, my God. The neighbours.

It's a terrible domestic murder. Yeah. Yeah. And still, it's better than him having a poo in there. The neighbours sent their busies round. Yeah, the busies. They called Triple Zero, which I believe is the number in Australia. Is that what you're doing?

I'm pretty sure it is, yeah. I never knew that. That is good info. 000. That could be useful. Now, did you see this man, Frank? I saw this story. Did you see the man?

He sort of re-enacted the incident for a local news crew. I love it when they do that. And they interviewed him and he said, it was terrible. I mean, one minute I was just saying that, you know, and they were doing it in slow-mo, and they had him really hamming it up. I mean, he was a real scenery chewer. He was going, why don't you die? No, but I think he was going, that's why the neighbours were alarmed.

Yes. I mean, if you heard that coming from next door in, you know, those kind of dramatic tones. Yeah, but come on, I've said far worse to people during raffles. Well, yes. I mean, what I would say, I think if neighbours are going to be calling the police on the strength of language, I mean, there's all sorts, I'm sure he said. Yeah, but I think you have to draw the line at murder. That's my general... That's my general rule.

Alan and I have already established we have a different view. Well, exactly. I was in Blackpool once and I saw a man trying to turn his car in the road, do what we used to call a three-point turn. Do they not call it a three-point turn anymore? No, it's called a turn in the road now, because it doesn't have to be done in three points. Does it?

I did not know that. How many points can these people do it in? You can do it in as many as you want, as long as you don't hit the kerbs. I know, but a three-point turn always sometimes went wrong, but it was still a three. A three-point turn is what you were dreaming of. Yeah, you were aiming for three, but now it's a turn in the road.

Oh, next you were telling me they don't do an emergency stop. This is not what I wanted to discuss, to be honest. Sorry. You know what it'll be, though? What? It'll be, oh, you can't call it a three-point turn, because not everyone can do it, and that's turn shaming. Yeah, maybe.

Oh, absolutely. Anyway, this bloke was partway through it and there was a seagull in his path and he tried beeping it and that didn't move it and then he wound down the window and swore at it as if that was going to make it fly away. Oh, yeah. He shouted, get out of the something way.

Yeah. And it still didn't. No, it didn't respond. I like the idea that he thought, if I just get out of the way,. Yeah. And it didn't, it still didn't. No, it didn't respond. I like the idea that he thought, if I just get out of the way, it won't go,

I need to make it out of the urgency of this situation. He's a proper doctor to do little. Or we should say, this man used, you know,

foul language as well. Quite a lot of swear words. With regards to the spider. But then again, he is Australian, so that's part of his culture. Yeah, well,

that's... No, we wouldn't do that. On this show, we talk about, would you rather swim with a corpse or excrement? Yeah, exactly. We've got our standards.

Imagine if, just by coincidence, he'd shouted at the spider, why don't you just die? And it had died. Like, if he'd... That'd be... What would have then happened to him? What was that Richard Burton film?

The Medusa Touch or something like that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whereas he could do that. Yeah. There was a couple going on arguing and he said, oh, why don't you just jump out of the window? And then he heard,

oh, my God, from the bloke. Yeah, and the wife had jumped out the window. Oh, wow. I mean, it is with great power. It's not a gift I'd want because the temptation well it has been covered that you have a bit of a git about you so you know what that power do you

wow I like the man's reaction to the wife jumping out the window oh my god on the buses oh my good god this is Frank Skinner of Slick Radio. I have to say, I'm a bit sizist.

Are you? Yeah, with spiders. Oh, I see. I will let a small spider crawl past and leave it and not worry about it. There's a certain where it gets to when it would no longer... Some giant haystacks. When it would no longer go in Action Man's hand luggage. Right.

That's as precise a measurement as there was someone on Big Brother who said a cat's paw. Oh, I remember that. It was Lady Solve, I believe, Frank. Lady Solve. She said, how much do you want? She said a sort of cat's paw size., I remember that. It was Lady Solve, I believe, Frank. Lady Solve. She said, how much do you want? She said a sort of cat's paw size. That's a good measure, good measure.

Anyway, sorry, Frank. But a big one I'd just kill. Oh, that's wrong. I'd like to hear that. I don't like to do it, but, you know, come on. Can I say, Al, it's one of my superpowers, I say one of, that I don't, I'm not frightened of spiders at all. Aren't you?

Actually, really, if a great big tarantula could walk across this table, it wouldn't bother me. It'd be weird in England, but yeah. You're joking. But I think that might be childhood in Australia. Oh, yes. I'm quite used to them. You're a money spider fan?

I'm okay with spiders. In fact, it's one of the few times that I feel quite macho is that it's my job to deal with spiders in the home. Well, as an officially recognised snowflake, I really don't like them. And as I say, I don't mind, but they get to a certain size when I'm afraid they're more... I mean, in Australia, it's kill or be killed, isn't it, with the spiders?

Not really. Come on. Oh, with the funnel weeps. Oh. What about the red back? I'm off it, you bludger. You mongrel. What, I'm a mongrel? You won't say that when you've got a red back crawling up your leg. What worries me is

there's lots of talk, isn't there, that newspapers, in two or three years, there won't be any newspapers. Oh, yeah, they're in decline. Yeah, the people just go online. That surely will result in spiders taking over the world. Because you can't put it on top of the glass. You can't roll up a newspaper and splatter it.

Although, can I just say, there is a slight reversal in that trend to do with the ongoing chaos in the world, I believe. Oh, is that right? Yeah, apparently they have, I read that recently in a newspaper. So there's going to be newspapers? Well, it's just that more websites are closing down now. Websites are closing?

Yes. News websites. Bad news for spiders. As we all know, we heart news. Sorry. Yeah, we do heart news. In the same show that we had Anton Dubik, we've had websites closing down bad news for spiders.

Oh, excellent. It surely is a birthday show. It's extraordinary. And of course, we had perhaps the award winning breakfast radio texting. Corpse or poo, as I think it was known. Anyway, it's been quite a morning, guys.

Thank you for those of you who've managed to stick with us. Mucho apreciatum, as we say in the Catholic Church. So thank you so much for listening. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Goodbye. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8.

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