The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Apostle Spoons

Episode Date: August 6, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by the Divine Miss Em and Steve Stigma-of-the-Dump Hall. Frank talks Harry Potter the stage play and his visit to the cricket. The team talk Olympics and that Orlando Bloom photo.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Stigmata of the Dump Hall. You can text our show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Good morning Richie, Richie. Morning, Jim. Good morning. Anyone who hasn't listened to last week's show will just think you're calling me Stigmata of the Dump. Well, that includes me, I'm afraid, my friend.

Well, Steve did such a good joke last week. Did he? Don't say it like it was a one-off event. No, no, but every now and again one does a joke when one sits back and thinks, yes, that would be in my time capsule. And I think that was such a moment for Steve. It'd be in my best bits with Davina. Oh, Steve, I'm so happy for you.

Small victories. But they also have the best bits on people's deathbeds. Davina should turn up. I mean, people have had things filmed. But, I mean, everyone has things filmed now, of course. You filmed now of course it's not like where you had to be special i'd love a montage on my deathbed yes montage on my deathbed i know i know right can you be responsible for um execing it just to ensure that certain bits don't make it in and certain bits do. I'll script edit. I trust you in so many ways. Yes, I've noticed there is a bit.

We were talking about none of us saw the opening ceremony of the Brazil Olympics because it's too late. Yeah, well, was it midnight last night it started? For people who do a morning breakfast show, it's simply not acceptable. It's a no-go area. But for the drunks, they can believe their luck. Oh, that's great.

An excuse to be up all night for the drunks. There's Andy Morrillot with the flag. Sorry, we shouldn't be talking about what's on the telly, because obviously telly is rubbish. Who cares? So we were trying to work out what might have been in the opening ceremony. Yes, and many of you may have seen it, but perhaps you can confirm whether they're correct or not.

Well, Pele wasn't. That was the big thing, Pele. You told me this morning, the one thing you would have thought, the Brazil, that's going to be Pele. Yes, I think he had to bow out. Yes. But... What's the story there?

Well, I don't know. It's a bit Arj. He's going to be Arj. When Arj went missing. Comparing Pele to Arj. I'm guessing there was a scene where 700 people were simultaneously waxed. To celebrate their Brazilian traditions. It's usually all about everything about the country. You'll remember.

Okay, so we know, I think we can guarantee there will have been women in bikinis. Obviously. Would you say? With plumage. Would they have been dancing the samba by any chance? Oh, would they ever? I find, as I've got older, one thing I like less and less is a carnival atmosphere. When everyone says there'll be a carnival, I think, oh, will there?

Yes, I know what you mean. I know what you mean, Fang. That idea of people going, yeah, yeah, yeah! Oh, shut up. There's usually a policeman dancing. And people call it... And if anyone shouts tequila at any point, I'm out. They interviewed a bloke, some Brazilian bloke in the street

on the BBC preview last night, and he said something like, one thing we love in Brazil is having a good time. And I thought, well, for a start-off, having a bad time is not... There aren't many countries who don't look to that as a thing they love. But also, I thought, I know what you mean by having a... I have a good time reading the Times Literary supplement in my garden.

Well, Frank, that's not going to be a very interesting opening ceremony, then. No, I mean, maybe... You know, sometimes they start small. I was hoping that it would come and isambard kingdom bruno would still be talking four years later that's why then they'd come and say hold on it's our turn now i know you weren't a fan of the opening ceremony of the uk olympics however that's what i liked about it is that it wouldn't have surprised me if you had turned up reading the times literary supplement in your garden that had that slightly weird unpredictable british vibe to it well i wouldn't say i wasn't was i not a fan of it no it's really grown on me i must say i watched a documentary

about the making of it yeah and it made me cry all the way through it was so beautiful i do feel that it ultimately led to brexit how do you say that? Well, because he put it in the idea, you know, Britain, Great Britain and all that, and there's people thinking, oh, yeah, that'd be good if we went back to the old Isambard Kingdom Brunel days. Anyway, Brazil, obviously, I'm hoping there was an enormous knot that opened and then there was something exciting inside. Alan Brazil. Yes.

I don't think you'd be invited. There was clearly, there would have been a lot of women in gold bikinis with the tiaras attached to some sort of feather plumage cloak, Frank. Yes, that's almost certain. Everyone would have been very, very beautiful. With those opening ceremonies, it's the parade of athletes and you're really into it and then you suddenly realise you've been watching for 45 minutes

and they're still only midway through C. Oh, yeah, that's... In alphabetical order. That's usually when I switch off whenever. Oh, yeah, I always shut my eyes when it's Cameroon. And there's that thing when they... What's that thing when it's sort of fighting and dancing? Oh, capoeira.

Oh, yeah. Capoeira. Oh, calm down, dear. Because the English version of the fighting and dancing combo is called a wedding. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had an email from Mark in Farnham, who's a regular reader of the show, and he said he's delighted

to hear of Buzz's success when he took part in the egg and spoon race. Yes. For those of you who missed that one, one is always looking for natural aptitude of any kind in a child, but my son's, so the only thing I've picked up so far is

he seemed to be naturally gifted at the egg and spoon race. And I was wondering why it wasn't an Olympic event, for example, why there wasn't an outlet for children who had that skill. And Mark has asked, does Frank think this was in any way down to Frank's years of pavement pedestrian racing finally paying off? That speed walking gene being passed on to little bus. Oh, yeah yeah that's

interesting that could be and you get very focused on your tasks i should also explain to new readers that um i we used to talk about this a lot but one of my passions um certainly was pedestrian racing so i would pick someone um walking down the street who i was going to overtake and sometimes would have quite a tussle in the overtaking and i was never quite sure whether they were aware or not of what was going on but in my head there was commentary there was crowds and everything and it was and what was the beauty of it laying the sort of entirely unspoken nature of it all yeah and we but certainly unspoken nature of it all. Yeah, and we, certainly unspoken on the street, but on the show

we had emails and it became quite a thing, pedestrian racing. I look back and it's a tremendous effect. I can imagine Barry Davis' voice would be in my head. The particular perfect pitch for that kind of... Yeah, I think I was thinking the bloke who used to do the show jump in Raymond Brooks

Ward. Come on, Harvey! A bit more like that. Yeah, so that's a good point, though, because I did do a lot of quick walking. Yeah. I think we had another. Didn't someone else make a suggestion? We had a communicate. Yeah, but this is going into a whole new territory. This is an email. I mean, do you want to read

an email this early in the show? Well, I think that was an email. Yeah, yeah. Hey, to hell with the rules. This is from, he hasn't given his full name. It's J.G.E. Martin. Yes. I like that. He sounds like a cricketer from the 1950s.

And he said he was wondering how Buzz could use his skill at the Egg and Spoon race, how he could put it to good use. I think Frank's son Buzz would be brilliant at hurling. It's not an Olympic sport, hurling. Yes. But the all-island hurling finals get huge

attendances of over 80,000. Extraordinary. And very helpfully he's provided a youtube link well i haven't i don't quite understand hurling could you gentlemen perhaps uh pull up a chair and explain to a lady it's a bit like um if you was to raise hockey about three feet off the ground so that the ball is basically being propelled there's a lot of they do run with the they've got these wooden they look like spoons a bit oh and they run with them and they do balance the ball for quite a long time running and then they they absolutely wall i mean it looks like the sort of sport where you accidentally get your teeth knocked out quite often.

It sounds a bit jousting meets lacrosse. Yeah, it's got a man's thing. But it's an interesting application of the skill. I watched the clip he sent. I feel I should provide the full link. YouTube slash MPBQ7VZJGE. I've realised the YouTube link is some of his initials that I've quoted. We don't tend to provide YouTube links Steve.

For that reason. Then you're going PBJ 7 says. It's quality radio reading out a YouTube link. I mean he nearly went to HTTP WWW I mean I can't even breathe.

I don't remember the last But it is, it's really hurtling. I don't remember the last time I was so embarrassed. Someone suggested he could get a job in an insemination clinic. Are you talking about Steve? No, Bob. Running with a spoon as a general. Oh, lovely.

When I said someone, it was my idea. Can't lay it off. Or I thought he could, if marathon runners had got a really bad cough, he could run along at the side of them with a helpful balsam of some kind. He'd be so popular.

Yeah, the spoon guy. And you know, you'd be proud of him as well, if that was your son, the spoon guy. Oh, you know, I be proud of him as well that was your son the spoon guy oh you know i'm proud of him can i make that clear i am already proud of him but i've been even a bit prouder speaking of which apostle spoons do you remember those things now what were they again they were spoons that had a little apostle on the top little little man in robes. Really? Yeah, right at the end of the handle. At the opposite end from the bowl.

I think I remember that. Oh, I always thought that was a claw. Did it have like a... No, no, there was ones that looked a bit... So were they in sets of 12? I don't know if they were. Don't give me the Judas one. No, these are the apostles.

No, no, anyway, yeah, it's had an apostle on the end of the spoon. Oh, lovely. I saw... Are you familiar with those, Steve? I've never heard of them. Really? It's an entirely new phenomenon. Uri Geller, I saw him bend one once, and the great thing, he had liquid in the spoon,

and it bent over, and it prevented the apostle was able to drink from the bowl. Now, that's magic. Yeah. Apostle spoons, 8, 12, 15. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Mike in Mumbai has said of your pedestrian racing, Frank, come and try it in Mumbai.

It's like formula one here well that come and try it in mumbai would be very good for a little tourist sports pedestrian racing has gone international yeah yes i'd love to try i bet it's that but it's fiercely hot out there oh yes it's very yes, it's very hot. Lovely, though. That's the trouble. We'll have to go and do altitude training. I don't think it's very high altitude, but it's hot. Well, it is in the Himalayas, but that's a whole other story. Yes.

I've been there. Ian Angle has been in touch, our old punning friend. Oh, yeah. Brace yourself, readers. And he says the Apostle Spoon was phased out as it didn't have enough followers. Oh, Frank's not looking so supportive you know i love that he tries oh rudest thing you've ever said well i don't um yeah it needed to have a twitter reference angle or something for that to 100

work yeah well i, I don't think you think of the apostles having followers as well. You think of them beginning the following process. Now, this is interesting, Frank, because we were talking earlier. Steve said he's been working with some ladies recently. Are they taking a show to Edinburgh, Steve?

They are doing it. I'm directing a couple of shows in Edinburgh. Yes. And Steve is working... Tight here, tight here. Well, hold that door. I turn my eye. I offer some advice. Lovely. We've heard you turn your eye.

That's the problem. I've seen it happen. It's disgusting. Steve is working with them in a sort of consultant capacity, would you say? Absolutely, yes, yes. You can name them. So I'm doing two shows. Tom Ward, 9.45 Pleasant Cellar. Oh, wow. Norris and Parker, Pleasant's Attic, 10. You can name them. So I'm doing two shows. Tom Ward, 9.45, Pleasant Cellar.

Oh, wow. Norris and Parker, Pleasant's Attic, 10.45. Well, we didn't know you were going to go YouTube link on us, Steve. Fabulous. Thoroughly recommended. Tom Ward. Very funny. Is the lady called Tom?

No, no, there's two. So there's a double act called Norris and Parker. Oh. Sinead Parker and Katie Norris. Isn't that a chair? Oh, no, that's Parker Norris. Parker Norris. Sorry.

Oh, they're lovely. Yeah. And the other thing is, do you keep in that see-through plastic cover bit on the foot rest, or do you take that off? Never work that out. Well, that's a vote of confidence.

Anyway, no, but Frank, can I just say before, why I raised that was because when we were discussing this, you said oh I've always fancied, I wondered if I could be a bit of a script editor, advise people on their comedy and

I just feel it was interesting the way you were dealing with Ian Angle right now you were cruel but you were, maybe you were being kind to people That's constructive. Yeah, constructive I too am, speaking of the Olympics opening ceremony, I watched a documentary, a brilliant documentary

that's currently on BBC iPlayer, actually, called One Night in 2012. And it's about the making of it, and it's absolutely, I'd recommend it very much. And it made me think, oh, it must be nice to be part of a creative team rather than just to be, like, you know, a solo person all the time. Oh, thanks very much and it made me think oh it must be nice to be part of a creative team rather than just to be like you know a solo person all the time oh thanks very much what i mean we don't yeah but

we don't create we're very well in the rage i was actually this week that's true but i mean we don't um we don't sit around and plan and structure things i think anyone will be able we don't brainstorm do we? Yeah. But they obviously got together and built this thing. So when Steve said he'd now become a comedy mentor, I thought that'd be interesting. When I heard it was two women, I thought

differently. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were talking about Steve, Frank, because he's got this new career as... Well, he's consulting. I think you'd be very good sort of directing,

and is that kind of what you're doing? Yeah, yeah. And I think you'd be brilliant at it, Frank. Thank you, Steve. You're so steeped in comedy. And I'm also quite steep. I don't know if you've ever tried climbing me. But Buzz tries it sometimes,

and he has to give up about knave or level. I think you would be good, but I've got a few caveats. But I couldn't... If I said to Kath I was mentoring two women in a double act, she'd slap my face. Well, if you put it like that. But, I mean, I'd have to do... I was in a club once watching Gareth, actually.

Gareth Richards, who is currently in Edinburgh. Yes. I was seeing his show. Well, I saw it last week and it's phenomenal. There you go. And a guy came up to me and said, would you be my comedy mentor? I said, well...

Was it David Baddiel? No. No, he stopped asking. And this guy said, all you have to do is come and see me maybe five or six times a year so we can meet a couple of times. You know, just email me and just keep me generally on track. And I said, no, I'm not going to do that. He said, well, I could really benefit.

I said, no, look, can we stop this? This is not going to happen on any level. And he went away with a flea in his hand. He went away a bit disgruntled, I thought. That's very direct, though, Frank, to say that. You know, a lot of people would have said, oh, yeah, OK, get in touch with my agent. But you went for the full-on...

What do I mean, people? Rejection. When I wrote to Alan Bennett and said, let's write a play together, I mean, come on. Did you know he did that, Steve? That's true, though. That is a true... And he wrote back to me in a very nice,

obviously said no. But the fact that I had the cheek to that what uh what year was this that you wrote to him it's all this was in my i mean when i was in my pump when i was so it's not it's not in the drinking here no no no this was in the in the 90s when i was you know i thought i thought i ruled the world so i can exclusively reveal he did so um i thought you know you'll snatch me hand off, Alan Bennett, right at play. Looking back now, it's very squirm-making. Well, maybe it's worth another try.

But you didn't get that with Parker Null. Maybe it's worth another try with Bennett. No, I don't think so. Let's get a new series of Shane off the ground with Alan Bennett. Once bitten, that's my moral when it comes to Alan Bennett. What about, so with Parker Null? Norris and Parker, I feel like I should plug them. Norris and Parker. them unless people turn up to

see a chair do they so how does it work i'm envisaging you in the back of the auditorium steve with a light you know one of those little angle poise lamps i think have you ever seen those pens that have got a light on them yes i've seen critics it's very much like a chorus line that's how i do it. It's interesting that you say that this bloke could ask you five or six times a year, because that's the thing, it's just about a time commitment. Because if you want to know someone's stuff, you need to see it.

Like when you were on the road with Gareth, you'd watch each other every night for a couple of months. So you get to really know each other's gear. Whereas sometimes on the circuit, you might gig with someone once a year, twice a year. And so you're only really, you might see them on a duff night. But I often see comics and while they're doing their act I think of another gag that would work. But I never, people don't.

Oh Frank, I can just imagine, it makes me cringe you going up someone. You don't offer them. Because Holly Walsh is brilliant at offering stuff. If I gig with her a couple of times a year, she always comes up. I don't think we should cast aspersions on her. I think she... You need nerves of steel to go up to a comic

and say, I've thought of a way of improving your act. It's the sort of thing you do. No, I'd rather leave them in the gutter. Does anyone do that to you? Because it'd be more intimidating to go up to you and sort of go, I found a better joke. They have done it in the past. They've always been very ill-judged citizens.

I think the rule is if it's asked for, fine, but I don't like the idea of some vigilante comic going around offering unasked for opinions on things. Well, I saw a comic recently and he started with talking about the fact that he was from overseas. And he was talking about the fact that he was on benefit, that he'd come here and was living on benefit. And it was funny, you know, talking about his thank you very much for, you know, for the benefit system. It's not so, you know, if I'm going to take money, I'd rather take it from you than from my own country. And it was it was very my own country and it was funny

and then afterwards he did a bit where a knock came on the door and he did the walk to the door and what he was thinking as he walked to the door and because he was thinking a lot it was quite a long walk and he said after a bit sorry it's a long way to the door and I thought what he should have said was I live in a very big flat

thanks again for those benefits. It would have been a good statement. But I wouldn't have told him that. Oh, well you just have, that's good. They're not up, you see, the young comics. They're not up at this time. This is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio. Frank, I'm enjoying Richard Parsons, who's just supplied a Whatever Happened To moment. Oh. I think it'll even be worth the music once this comes out the other side. I'm putting a lot of trust in you here, but hold on, give me a momento.

Here we go. Whatever Happened To Jill Blaines. but hold on, give me it on a memento. Here we go. Whatever happens to me? Chillblains. Don't they still exist? No. I've never heard of anyone having them since about 1952. Oops, giving away my age there.

I don't know that they really exist. I was warned about chillblains, but I began to regard them as a mythical beast, that it was if you go too close to the electric fire after you've been out in the cold. That was my dad's thing, was you'd get chillblains. I began to regard them as a mythical beast, that it was if you go too close to the electric fire after you've been out in the cold. That was my dad's thing, was you'd get chills. What are they exactly? That'd be a good text in mythical illnesses.

Didn't it? Irritable bowel syndrome. A doctor told me. A doctor told me that if you go with stomach trouble to the doctor and they don't know what it is, they tell you it's irritable bowel syndrome. So it's an enormous umbrella.

It actually means stomach trouble that we don't know what it is. So good luck with the medication, guys. We've got a text from Tanya, who's on her way... How is she? She's on her way after a 12-hour night shift as a nurse. And she says, I still have an apostle spoon. Thank you for reminding me I'm old.

That doesn't mean that. I think they're probably still sold. We'll have to... Have we become such a secular society that we no longer have apostle spoons, even? Well, I think they're a slightly stronger sign than that yeah i know but you think i blame dawkins he's ruined he's ruined the cutlery industry would you use the apostle that'd be a great

argument against the new atheism the damage they've done to the british cutlery industry did religious people i mean was it primarily Catholics that liked these Apostles stories? No, they were everywhere. They were commonplace. Oh. Would you not... We didn't get them in, you know... London? Well, I wasn't going to say London, but in our circles.

Wow. Would you not have an objection to the Apostles? You don't like the possessive twelfths. Is that... So would you not insist there be 13 apostles now the um no it's not it's not oppressive 12 oh is it i couldn't remember because because you know you have to say five past ten he can't say four minutes past ten i know but he saw the 12 there and he went for it he does um i mean i'm i don't have time for this be honest with you.

It'd be absolutely brutal. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So, what do I did do? Speaking of religion, I went to see the new Harry Potter play. Ah, wow. Last weekend. I saw a picture of you on the

red carpet. Oh, yes. Uh, with Kath looking V-glam, may I say. She looked lovely. Oh, she looked... Stone-cold fox. Lovely to look at, wonderful to know! The hair was good. What was Frank wearing? The brows were on fleek.

What was Frank wearing? The dress was phenomenal. I know, she looked great. I'd got out an assortment of dresses for her to borrow. I was calling bikes. I was worried, I'm not going to lie. Because last time I saw her, she turned up with a rucksack as a clutch. Well, I know, she does that a lot. But when she emerged...

She pulled it out. When she emerged on the day... Phenomenal. If I'd have had an electric guitar, I would have played... HE SINGS And sang, you look wonderful. Oh, she did. Yeah. You must be very proud.

Was Frank looking... Because obviously Frank has had his own dress sense criticised by Bumble on the cricket this week. Yes. What? I went to the Test match this week, and I was sitting... I can't remember who I was with at the time.

Trevor Francis, I believe. Oh, that's a nice friend for you, darling. Or has Twitter misidentified Jasper Carrot? Yes, I said to... I often ask celebrities what question they're asked the most, and he said, well, I don't know about what question he said, but what people say to him the most is he's he said well i don't know what question he said but what people say to him the most is all right jasper so yeah so that there is a yeah and so um what they do is if you're you wear an earpiece at the cricket so i've seen those like the national gallery when

you have a guide so you're listening to the sky commentary and so um bom bumble on um on sky bumble yes wasn't he in the oliver twist it's a bumble brag yes um he was a very fine cricketer and coach and umpire actually indeed yes and um he um he now is a commentator and he said uh there's frank skin it looks if he got dressed in the dark this morning. Get out, he did not say that. I was actually wearing this shirt, this same shirt. Which is lovely. And I tell you what, I sort of went a sort of fancy dress

as a man going to the test match. So I wore a sort of a cream linen suit. Oh, a man in Havana, I like that. Yeah, a man in Havana, very much that. Yeah, our man in Havana, very much that. I thought you might reply. Oh, dare Bumble say that. I thought I might see you mouth your no-tont-in-omo sheriff yourself.

I finally was as sharp as you, Stigmata. I wasn't Stigmata. I brought it out to the religious thing again. We'll come back to Harry Potter and Test Cricket after this. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This, however, is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Steve Stigma the Dumb Whore and Emily Dean this morning. You can text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio. I'm glad. Why is he called, is it Stigmata of the Dump? No, it's Stigma.

What was the reference, though? I'm going to make you repeat your joke now. It was basically, it was a nice bit, it was a neat bit of improv. Okay. Frank was relating his school days. No, he says it himself. Yeah.

Frank was relating his school days. No, he says it himself. Yeah. Oh. Frank was relating his school days and about how if you wanted to visit the facilities, the teacher would say, do you need to sit down? Yeah. If you know what I mean. Stop doing your directing thing while he tells you. I know, but he's not doing it. Well, no, because there's the detail that you would be... I know, but this is what's going to happen when you're directing people.

This is what we need. No, this is what's going to happen. He's going to get up on stage and say, sorry, everyone, sorry, he's not doing it quite how I would have done it. I mean, that's difficult, isn't it? I know. Well, no, that'd be great, then. My Edinburgh show could become just an hour of classic Skinner. I would actually sell some tickets.

Classic Gittery, is what it would be. Yeah, but lovable Gittery. Yeah, so if you went at our school, let me help um if you went to the toilet to sit down as we would put it on breakfast radio yes you had to say how many sheets of paper you wanted they wouldn't give you the whole roll in case you threw it around for some reason every kid got the whole roll through it all around the toilet so we'd have to say. Oh, I see. And I said it was embarrassing because there's a certain stigma attached to it. Oh, I'm seeing where this is going in you.

I chipped in with the now immortal line, which I'm almost too embarrassed with. Go on! I said the stigma of the dump. Which is brilliant. That's first class. Absolutely, the top end. And you know, Frank, there is no praise higher than that.

Indeed. Where I'm concerned. Yes. So you went to Harry Potter. Yes, I went to Harry Potter. And I tell you what, I loved it. And I thought, it's actually made me think that I might start reading the books. Lovely.

Because, I mean, I know they're for children. And also, I don't know if you remember, but when they first came out, the Roman Catholic Church urged people not to read them because they said it encouraged children to dabble in the occult. Do you remember this? Goodness me. Kids have changed. No, I miss that.

Stepping up to the occult. I used to think that... I miss that at Pontifex alert on my notifications, I'm afraid. We used to think that balancing a bucket of water over a slightly ajar door was like the epitome of evil when I was a kid. And now they dabble with the occult if you give them half a chance. Gibbon, half a chance. As they said on Funky Gibbon.

Are we allowed to say? There's two separate parts to the play. There's two shows. Yes, there is two. And Frank does have a personal connection, but I don't know if we're allowed to say it, Frank. Well, hold on, let me just say one thing. Kids putting buckets of water out of over slightly ajar doors.

Does that still happen? Well, it became the ALS challenge. But it's an... It's impressive, though, when you think. I mean, quite complex engineering skills required. Where do they tie the rope to? And you'd imagine that Bocket would just drop downwards and hit the person hard on the head

with that metal reinforced rim section at the bottom and split their skull open rather than tip over. You never see that anymore. That was a side to the Beano you never saw. The full consequences of Roger the Dodger's antics. You're quite right. Roger the Dodger, the aftermath, was the book we were all looking for.

Never came out. Still time. Yeah.ger the dodger i was his victim sort of thing you get in the tabloids is this the most evil man in britain roger says i will dodge again no i could be his picture at a dog show in Halifax two years ago. The last known photo of him. And a picture of me. I was conned, said Emily.

Picture of you in a neck brace. Yeah. Grinning Dodger has TV in his shell. Yeah. You know those benefit cheat crutches that clutch you around the forearm? One of those. Oh, man. It's all there.

It's all just waiting. I'm so doing kiss and tell, Roger the Dodger. Now he's got a picture of him now looking very old. Caption, Roger the Codger. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You were talking about Bumble earlier. Oh, yes. Who appears to be... I mean, people just refer to him like everyone knows him, like it's Madonna, Bumble. 449 to Frank. Did you enjoy your conversation with Bumble

on the telly at the cricket the other day? He was taking the mick out of your Gareth shirt, Postman Matt. He was, yes. He sort of interviewed me remotely. So remotely so hang on can we just establish i'm sitting listening to the commentary yeah and is he a commentator and he's a commentator yeah on the sky and he's he's a borderline no i wouldn't say borderline he's a national treasure he's i thought you're gonna say psychopath or something no no he's he's much loved okay funny bloke and he said to me after he took took the Mickey out of my shirt, he said...

Could you hear him taking the Mickey? Well, I could hear him because I'm listening to the car. Of course, yeah. He can see that I've got the earpiece in. Yeah. You can just get them, you know, at the ground. It's not a special thing to get. You can just buy them.

Okay. And so he knows I can hear him. Did you laugh? So I laughed, of course, yeah. And then he said to me, so what about when you interviewed Mark E. Smith? And he started just, like, interviewing me remotely. He said, he's a nice, friendly chap, isn't he?

Which was... Well, it must have been quite strange for you, because did you look at the camera at this point? Well, you have to... It made me realise that it must be very difficult for the mute when they're being uh interviewed yes because um i started working my way through my my whole range of facial expressions to try and give a sort of a response and did you come across a bit like a silent movie actor well a bloke from sky once said to me that he was developing an idea for a um a completely

silent panel show with no language at all you just add to you know mime and do all that sort of stuff the fact that i've never heard of it since suggests how well it went but it did make me think back to that but it was it was very unusual being um interviewed by someone who was sitting in the press box some distance away and who i can't see you got a live roast i like i'd like that you had your name tag as well on the yes he had a name tag that just just saying frank skinner and i think in terms of oh my god that's the most adorable thing i've ever heard i'll tell you something i wish i'd had it at the har Potter opening night. Because it was one of those... I am at a stage where I'm not quite famous enough for big openings.

That's not true. It is true, though. I think when I went to the paparazzi bit, there was... They took, like, one photo each. And I think that is... That's worse than none, Frank. I think it's just in case I'm in a major scandal

in the near future you're still like unless anyone's going to go blimey Ken Doherty's doing well for himself that's your only real sporting look alike this was someone tweeted the show saying that they thought you looked like Ken Doherty oh ok

I wish I'd got his money oh please you're better than that i probably have but um yeah i went up to the woman interviewed me um before i went into the harry potter and she said to me oh was she in the press pen frank yes and she said to me will you say your name and spell it before you start. She didn't. Yeah. Oh! Oh, my God. How pretty! Does Will Smith get that?

Oh, no, I don't think Will Smith gets it. I mean, no. Say your name and spell it. How dare she? You wouldn't say it to Arnold Schwarzenegger because she wouldn't be absolutely confident he could spell it. Maybe she does just do that to everyone. I'd love it if she did that.

And then just remember... Say to Justin Bieber, could you say your name and spell it? And you know how you probably line up down the side and call out and all that? And the bloke said to me, can I have a photo, Frank? Can I have a photo? So I had a photo of this bloke and he said to his girlfriend, do you want a photo with Frank?

She said, nah. How many was it? It was a death of a thousand cups walking into the theatre. I tell you, my ego, I just left my ego at roadkill. More stressed out than the people on stage, Frank. Oh, God, just to get in there. But I love the show, so that was something. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Ian Angle has rescued himself. He said, I've not heard of Bumble. Is he a B-list celebrity? Now, Steve, come on. Yeah, I know, but I think we should... I love Angle, but I think it should be a one pun a day rule.

No, no, if he's got one. I don't want him sitting on one. That's good. Angle is weekly. That could be the... Well, just look If he's got one. I don't want him sitting on one. That's good. Angler's Weekly. Well, look what you've done now. Oh, no. Well, that was good. Well, can't you just say, this show can't just be you two doing puns.

That was good afterwards. See, you could be a director as well. There you go. Say that to Tim Vine, see how he responds. After Stigma of the Domp, I suggested we didn't have any more puns last week because we couldn't follow them. Steve just ignored me.

You know my feelings on... I got cocky. I got cocky. It went to my head. You know my feelings on puns. Yes, I know, but it's... They are wonderful, but they must be used sparingly. That's my... That's my view. So, yeah. Oh, Harry Potter harry potter so you had a lovely time had a lovely time party at the end of it it's had very good reviews broomsticks at 1am

said on the invite no it didn't make that up jk was there of course he looks do you know what he doesn't wear the furry hat with the horns anymore didn't recognize him she looked good she did look good yeah she looked great i said she was uh we were actually on the red carpet at the same time that that helped my um my photograph thing i still can't get over that someone said how can you spell your name it wasn't celebrity heavy i think they thought you know what what, it's so big, Harry Potter, we don't really need anybody. Well, I saw you, David Baddiel, J.K., and... Yes, I was standing behind a barrier with a baseball cap on. That was it, yeah, it was. Oh, David Schneider, he's lovely.

I suppose if J.K.'s turning up, then you don't really need anybody else. If he's going to wear winged stilettos, that's the photo, isn't it? Come on, Frank, it's Harry Potter. You'd hardly need Towie people turning up to give it credibility. I mean, the play is the star. I wonder if anyone asked her to spell her name. Particularly with JK. Maybe that's why she's gone for the initials.

Yeah, I don't think they would have done that. That would have been... They'd have been removed. Anyway, splendid. And it was written by my brother-in-law. Well, it was. Yeah, that's the only reason i got invited that's right yeah when i there was a time in the 90s i was one of the most famous people in the uk and now i'm not even the most famous person in my family i know i'm glad you've raised that because i haven't been that felt able to

well his book um the book of the thing came out on Sunday and it sold like 98,000 million copies already. Well, look on the right side, Frank. Christmas is going to be good. Well, we don't know. His IMDB page is pretty wonderful. The stuff he's done.

Okay, rob it in. I don't even have an IMD. You do. Do I? Well, you must have, so. You do. I'm sure you do. Do I? Well, you must have, Frank. You've been around for so long. Blue heaven? Would it stop blue heaven? Would that be your... Packing them in, pack it a three?

Yeah, all right. I was with Chaplin earlier. It's a mad, mad, mad world. Look, I've had my time in the limelight. I'm happy in the garden with the Times Literary Supplement. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Frank, this is very important.

Do you recall our art dealer friend, Simon Shaw? He's one of our regulars. He's been in touch before. Oh, OK. No matter. Anyway, he has been in contact, Simon Shaw. Observations and salutations from the Cote d'Azur. Lovely.

And historical note, I like the way he says and historical note. The finest collection of Apostle spoons was owned and actually invented by the late great Pete Postlethwaite. Invented by Pete Postlethwaite? And I thought your tie looked very refined at Edgbaston, Frank. Bumble's a mess. It's been a while. All best, Simon. Brackets art dealer. Now, this is my kind of correspondent. Pete Postlethwaite could not have invented the Apostle. Is he doing one of your past things?

Yeah. It's Post's fossil isn't it it's our apostle apostles this is the this is the kind of the inverse of the ian angle so i'm sure he's done a pun and he's presented it so perfectly uh believably that we've actually people don't get it i want some real information on apostle spoons well you might have to wait a while, Frank. It's 2016, not commercial radio. I don't want that rarest of all radio events, Apostle Spoon banter. 229 has texted to say Apostle Spoons.

I can't remember them. Cross-channel ferry pens, on the other hand. So I don't know, is that a thing you recognise? That's new to me. I think I do remember cross-channel ferry pens, on the other hand. So I don't know, is that a thing you recognise? That's new to me. I think I do remember cross-channel ferry pens. But pens that advertise that. Oh, come on, too many pauses. Now, do you wish to discuss...

Well, we've still got to find out. Harry Potter, I feel we've covered. Well, listen, when I was at the cricket, I met a few... There's always a few Warwickshire greats from the past when you go to Edgbaston. Oh, OK. Like who? MJK Smith. Oh, I don't know him.

No, even though you don't know him, but you can tell that's an art critic. I love the name for him. I can see him. He's very Winston's Almanac. Very. And there's a guy called Bob Barber. Of course there is. Yeah, who used to play. And there's a story about Bob Barber. Bob Barber was... Oh, Barber. It's quite hard to say Bob Barber. Of course there is. Yeah, who used to play. And there's a story about Bob Barber.

Bob Barber was... It's quite hard to say Bob Barber. He sounds like the sort of person who might be... You might be directing a show at Edinburgh right now. Yeah. So Bob Barber was in a team with Mike Brearley. You've heard of him. Oh, of course.

Former England captain. And they were playing chess in the dressing room, which is just marvellous. I don't think they do that anymore. Maybe they do. Don't get that at West Brom. I wish I could play chess. Do you play chess, Steve?

Yeah, not to a very high standard. Come on. Do you? No, of course I don't. OK. I like the idea of it. I think I'm of an age now, I'm playing the part, maybe. Frank, I think it would be quite good

for my image sorry to sound quite narcissistic but um i think it would be quite sexy yeah i do i could have those nice glasses you know intellectual chest and you could you could pick up a piece and slightly maybe just sort of lick it right you know just lick the bishop top of the bishop's um anyway... So Bob Barber... Getting hot in here. Bob Barber... I thought, actually ill when you said that. So they were playing chess in the dressing room,

Barber and Brearley, and there was an interruption in the game because Bob Barber had to go and bat. So he went out to bat and he'd batted for about 20 minutes when he called for um he started pointing at his glove and called um the 12th man down with new gloves which is a bit weird so the guy came with the apostle the guy came down with the new gloves bob barber gave back his gloves he'd been wearing nothing wrong with them at all and said to the 12th man, Bishop to B5.

Absolutely. Do you remember when sport was like, this is before the drugs, you see? Chess, that's all they needed. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So we didn't watch the Olympics last night because it was past our bedtime.

Yeah, it's too late. But already there's been a few controversies. Well, one thing I did notice in the little bit I saw on the news as we started the show is that Andy Murray seems to have mastered the flag-holding. Because he had a bit of bother with it. Did you see this, Steve? He had a spot of bother. Like Frank Spencer.

A little bit of trouble. A little bit of trouble. That's a good impression, Frank. I can't imagine Andy Murray doing a Frank Spencer. If you had to do a list of people in the public eye who don't do a Frank Spencer impression, he'd be right up there for me. Him and Russell Crowe.

I bet I've never done one. No, he's not much. Russell Crowe is more likely to do a Frank Spencer impression than Andy Murray. Listen, he likes a laugh, old Russell. Well, I'll have a try. I don't know how it'll go. I'll try it. Ooh, I've had a little

bit of trouble. That's actually better than I thought. Wait, did you see there were photo call? Well, there was him. What I liked, there was him and the Princess Royal. Yes. Who looks more like her spitting image puppet

with every passing year i think she's aged quite well the princess she's my i think she looks great i'm putting her in my um would but shouldn't seriously i think she's now let me ask you a question about the princess royal sure and um this is open to that to our readers as well if anyone am i right in saying she became she used to be just princess anne that was how she was now correct and then she was given this title the princess royal correct in 87 i think okay very good now i always thought at the time that she'd been given that title because that was at the period where EastEnders was absolutely in its pomp. And Letitia Dean was always called Princess by Dirty Den.

The one who got in trouble, yeah. He always called her Princess. And it was like she was Princess and the royal family decided, well, we need to distinguish. So they put Princess in brackets, royal. Yes. And I always thought that that was their main, that was their motivation for calling her that. I think you're bang on.

Because it's a tautology, isn't it? Princess, royal, what other sort of princess? Yes, you, absolutely right. Who would Britain's The Princess Common be? Yeah. Well, that would be Letitia, dear. All me, all me. No disrespect.

You wouldn't get the Queen Royal, would you? No. No? That wouldn't happen with any of them. The Royal Queen? Yeah. Rubbish. Well, in that photo shoot as well,

when they're trying to get Andy to move the flag out of her face, they kept referring to her as HRH. Did they? Yes. Careful of HRH. Oh, really? I told you exactly what they said, because I've learnt it off by heart. They said, move it a bit, please, Andy, because you're blocking HRH. I'll never forget it.

It's hard, isn't it? He may have an impression of Frank Spencer. I can do an impression of the photographer who said you're blocking HRA. That's tremendous work. It must be tricky if they ever do a photo shoot with more than one royal present, because I'll have to go, HRA, can you move?

You're blocking HRA. HRA, can you move to the left? How about this for an impression, right? Here we go. See if you can guess who this is. Phew! Is that me? Any offers? It's the woman when... It's the woman who sneered at Susan Boyle when she first appeared.

Remember, they cut to a young woman in the audience. It's so obscure. I know, but where are they now? The woman who dissed Susan Boyle before she sang, based purely on her appearance. Why hasn't she written a book or something? Boy, was she ever wrong as well. But in a way, she spoke for the whole night.

When she went, we were all doing that at home. And I remember they cut to that woman and I thought, yeah, you're right, look. Oh, hold on a minute! I had a dream! We were all fooled. I love your obscure impressions.

We can write her autobiography, that would be so sneer and yet so far. Yes, if we can find the woman who sneered at Susan Boyle. Well, that's what she should call her book, The Woman Who Sneered. Yeah, that would be great. And then she just needs to have an affair with Roger the Dodger. I mean, ka-ching. See, when we're talking about Roger the Dodger's photo, thatching see that when we're talking about roger the dodger's photo that's that's that one photo that the paparazzi took of me they've just got the

caption if that's ever shown would be post scandal it'll just say before we knew that's what live on the bottom anyway um yes let's find her anyway if anyone knows the young woman who went was she a young woman, was she? She was quite young, yeah. She was with a friend. They were both, you know... And they raised their eyebrows. They were being disparaging.

Yeah, I remember it well, Frank. Look at this woman with a moustache. Little did they know that moustache was going to be dripping gold bullion. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What are we talking about? Prince of town. Oh, yes.

Andy Murray trying to hold the flag. At one point, when he was trying to hold it, he was so grumpy about it. I mean, unsurprisingly. Yeah. But it was a big one. It was. He's holding it here.

He's holding it there. He blocks HRH or he blocks that other one. HRH has had more flag experience than most. I mean, it's all right for her. She does a great bit. You know bit where she points and pulls her face. Loved it. It's one of the best I'm with this idiot expressions I've ever seen. I mean, she's got comedy, she's got the body.

She's got the body and the hair. I mean... Yeah, she should definitely live in High Barney. Yeah. I love her. And I love Zara, my two favourite royals. I was wondering if he was sulking because I read an interview

with him where he said that for the first time in 15 years... Andy Morris sulking? Take that back! For the first time in 15 years he has to share

with his brother in the Olympic Village. Oh, does he? And he was clearly a bit annoyed about it. Well, you say that. I bet Judy's in there. Judy will be in that room.

Just put her head through the window in the morning and go, come on! Terrifying. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a tweet from Ben Weeks who says, just looked at the images of the Princess Royal. Me too, Frank. Yeah, she looks looked at the images of the Princess Royal. Me too, Frank.

Yeah, she looks lovely. How old is the Princess Royal? How old is the Princess Royal? Ooh, let's hear it. How old is Princess Royal? Ooh, yeah, baby. How old, Princess Royal? Ooh, yeah, come on.

You know that? Do you know that? That was the strangest song I've ever heard in my entire life. It's better if we were on the bayou. Now, I like this. It's a bit like not having seen the Olympics. Let's throw our respective hats in the ring on the old age front. Not personally. I would... I'm going princess.

Can I go first? Yes, you go first. 61. Okay. I'm going to say 65. Frank Skinner. Let me think. I would guess she's got a sort of a late... Hmm. I'd say she's born in... The Queen was coronated in 53.

I don't think Princess Anne was around there. Who wants to be a millionaire? Just try to give the answer. I'd say she was born in... I think she's 60. OK. OK. 60, 61 and 65. Anne, if you're listening,

just send us a photo of your passport, love. Oh, God, I wonder where that was going. I really wonder where that was going to end. So, yes. Anyway, so we had the slightly bizarro photo call with the flag. Oh, yes. With Andy and HRH. Which was very, she shot up in my estimation.

I think she should be clean. A little rendition of my impression again. I think people have been asking for it. What, your princess Anne? No, no, I don't need a princess Anne. I do an impression of the photographer. Oh, yeah, yeah, go on. Who said during the photo call,

Andy, can you move it, please? You're blocking HRH. Thank you, everyone. It gets better each time. Because I like that, because Bradley Wiggins turned down the honour of being the flag bearer. Yes. Because he thought it should go to a woman. No, he didn't.

It's because there were no mod motifs on it. Is he still a mod, though? I don't know. These people don't have a change. Well, that's the thing that carrying a Union Jack would be, like, the perfect thing for a mod to do. Yeah, he should be drunk. Steve, you're right.

It's an incredibly noble thing for him. He could have been on a Lambretta. But he said it should go to a woman, and then Andy's like, no, I'm fine. There's just no way Judy would let him turn that down. No, he did say it should be a female cyclist, that's what he said. Oh, he's lovely. One of those feminists he is. Yes, he did say it should be a female cyclist. That's what he said. Oh, he's lovely.

One of those feminists he is. Yes, he's one of them women's livers. Hey, he'll be burning his parka. Next thing we know. I saw a fantastic headline on a royal website. There's like a royal news website. You were looking at a royal website. Do you get royal alerts when any news happens in the royal community?

They're often for like like, the real insanity. I love those weird hinterlands. So the way they reported the photo shoot, they said, Princess Anne nearly jabbed in face as Andy Murray struggles with flag-wearing duties. Princess Anne nearly jabbed in face. I left it there. Oh, I don't like the idea of her being jabbed in the face.

Whatever that age. Whatever that age might be. Lovely little sense of humour, though. I was watching the preview show last night, and they went around the Olympic Village. Didn't look that nice. You know the Chinese were complaining about it. Well, the Chinese, yeah, they didn't like it.

They've called it, Rio, the worst Olympics ever. What I like is some of the athletes have put flags in the window, like people do in England when England's in a football tournament. You're in it. You don't need to prove anything. It's fine. Well, they love news stations. They love, like, a badly made sink in a in an athlete's village that's it's that's catnip to journalists yes where they get to wander and go look at the state of this what about the faulty shower rails the chinese made an actual video i

mean it's a good program now i know i don't know if they have access to netflix oh i've just got the joke. I liked it, Frank. Lovely. I think a lot of it is to do with the fact that we did the last Olympics. Oh, yeah. And so now it's, oh, look at the terrible job they've made out of it after we were so brilliant. Which, interestingly, China, as well as dissing Rio, they've been a bit snooty about our one as well.

Right, it's all going to be Brexit, Steve. They're trying to imply that Britain has redeemed itself only in the light of Rio being a shamble. Can I say, I've always been a great fan of the Chinese in everything they do, and I would back them to the hilt. I'm sure they wouldn't lie in any way. This has nothing to do with a Chinese billionaire buying West Bromwich Albion yesterday.

Matt Homewood has tweeted the show to say, HRH is 65. Good old girl. Oh, congratulations. Well done, Steve. I'm useful in a pub quiz. Yes, and in life in general. Well, it looks amazing for 65. That's all I'm saying.

Thank you very much. I don't often hear that. And also, very much in my catchment area. Oh, imagine. Can you imagine if I started going out with the Princess Royal? Oh, no. Well, if if I started going out with the Princess Royal? Oh, no. Well, if she was at a red carpet and they went, how do you spell your name?

And she could just go HRH. Yeah. Old David Lloyd, Bumble, having a go at the test match as we sit together. Who's that you're with? Oh, is that Andrew Lloyd Webber? So I think the thing about the Olympicic village what the chinese objected to they did look a bit there was just something so depressing i mean that i would actually if i was an olympic athlete i know it's hard to imagine that possibly equestrian now i could actually

qualify for that i'm good at something uh i would i wouldn't do it on the ground. If I had to stay in those rooms, do they force you? Just asking for a friend. I thought the Chinese were very much, you know, make, do and mend. I thought they'd come from a sort of society that was against... They're a superpower now. Global superpower. I don't know what Chairman Mayer would have said of it. People would have been happy for those flats in the good old days.

Oh, God. No, but they're not joining in. I don't understand that. I quite like the video of them trying to do up the shower. It was quite nice. It felt sort of like an episode. It felt like a game in the crystal maze or something. Yes, it did.

Yes. The shower curtain fell down. They were very unhappy about that. I thought they'd like peaking. Oh, my God! Very nice. You know, like, ordinarily, when they present a thing

being completely in a state of disarray, architecturally, it usually prefaces Annika Rice being sent in to do it up. Nick Knowles always appears. Where there's an unruly floorboard, there's a Nick Knowles. When I think of Nick Knowles, I think of an untied bow tie.

Yes. Do you know what I think of, Frank? That's his publicity shot. Well, I'll tell you what I think of. A cowboy boot with black tie outfit. Yes, I can see that. Okay, I've got a photographic proof of this. The thing is about these rooms,

I don't mind if things are a bit shabby chic, but it looks very like lads in Iron Appa, £199 a week. It's one of those holidays. It does look like that, yeah. And I've heard tales of the Olympic Village.

From who? Well, from Olympians. Extraordinary friends. It really is crazy times heard tales of the olympic village from who well from olympians um extraordinary friends it's it really is crazy times there what do you mean you're talking about the gentleman's excuse me is coming out i'm i'm talking about a lot of young extremely fit prime of their life people away from home you know you can guess the rest yeah it's yeah. It's all gone a bit Orlando Bloom. I think the swimmers, do they finish early, the swimmers? I think they finish, that's what I've heard. Now, they, um, the swimmers, um, I think their events finish early

and then they, um, they finish just a couple of lengths and then they're off. I mean, I'm not one to gossip. Well, I wonder about the equestrians. Those would be my people you see yeah but then you think they'll be in the corner they'll be like the shooting people in bed for eight o'clock yeah also they're not gonna do well you don't make too much noise next to their room

no but come on they're not gonna, let's face it. They lose their temper. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Frank, you were talking about how you think they might be quite active in the Olympic Village. Oh, they love the night time.

Yeah, they love it all. They live it all and love it well damn you freud i i was just telling you off i was recalling when i went over to the olympics in athens oh yes not as a competitor no but i did go over there and i saw a couple of nights running i'd see the wrestlers who i'd seen during the day or the weightlifters who are my favourites they do actually do that. They were going round the bars of Athens in their swimming costume things

they wear, the tankini swimming costume. Just wearing that? No, they had a tracksuit over it and the medals going to girls because it's the ultimate It's a bit like that person who texted in and said I always suggest swimming as a second date. I've never looked to whether it's worth persevering.

I mean, they're basically saying, look, I've got the medal, are you in? Channel 4 have picked up that idea and run with it. Extraordinary, actually. I know, that is amazing, walk around with your medal on. Walked around with his medal on. Which is kind of a 1970s look revived. But also, Steve, I around with your medal on. Walked around with his medal on. It's a kind of 1970s look revived. But also, Steve, I felt there was an honesty, in a sense, to the transaction. It's a bit like saying, I'm on telly.

I'm hideous, but I'm on telly. It's like my Frank Skinner name badge at the test race. Yeah. But it is, because you're going to bring up the gold medal, so you might as well just wear it. Just get it out there. Was there any bronze on display? The silver and bronze?

No, I think he was silver. He might have had two. But we saw him talk to at least three women. He was doing very well with that medal. If you meet someone in a bar, it's good to know that they've medalled. It's like if ugly men just carry around a printout of your bank statement. Yes. Well, I've got a T-shirt.

In fact, now I'm going to add my IMDB. What's the initials? IMDB. Yes, I'm going to add that. Do you know you've got several entries? Yes, well, not for years. I am on the shower curtain. I'm still dealing with that

I stayed at a B&B in Southend with an ex-girlfriend well I wasn't with an ex-girlfriend she was my current girlfriend at the time and this woman was called perhaps I shouldn't name her but anyway we went into it

why not in case she's still alive and I remember the shower curtain there had got Anyway, we went into it. We checked in. Oh, why not? In case she's still alive. Okay. And I remember the shower curtain there had got, I would say it had the human hair of at least ten people on it. I suggested that you could actually peel away the shower curtain and there would be a human hair shower curtain that was sturdy enough to operate on its own.

It was incredible. And that woman, she checked in, me and this woman, and she's very nice, you know, welcome, thanks very much, and I hope you have a nice time in Southend. Took us up to the room and stuff like that, went away. And we were, I'll be honest honest we were on the bed canoodling um 10 minutes later some confessions of a comedian film 10 minutes later suddenly the door burst open and it was this same woman with two people with suitcases and she went who on earth are you

she checked us in she checked us in 10 minutes earlier to that room and my girlfriend can i say i love the use of honor and my girlfriend was so terrified by this madness that when when we got back from us doing a gig there when we got back i had to look under the bed and in the wardrobe to prove that this woman wasn't... And we had to put a chair by the door, Alan Cochran style,

to make sure she didn't burst in again in the middle of the night. Wow. That's terrifying. It's a good thing they didn't find, like, you weren't experimenting with the human hair shower curtain. But even had she not... We weren't experimenting with anything, let me make that clear. Even had she not checked you in ten minutes earlier, it seems a very extreme reaction if you run a hotel

and you see human beings in your room to say, who on earth are you? But it's ten minutes earlier. I mean, it wasn't as embarrassing as it could have been. As I said when I took those two monkeys to the taxidermist, holding hands, not mounted. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Now, we need to talk about the biggest story of the week.

I refer to Mr Orlandolando bloom you're right that has been the elephant in the room or it could be in a shadow property context the shadow well that's how i mean i can't even begin to discuss the shadow yes which in case you don't know um i nearly called him leopold then orlando bloom was a... Orlando and Full Bloom, as they said. What do they call it? A paddle... Paddle boarding. I've done it, actually, Frank. Not that he needed the paddle. You stand on a board and you paddle.

I don't know the way this is going already. Can we just keep things a little bit clean? OK? He certainly did. Yes. I've been paddle boarding. I did it in Florida. All the celebrities do it. OK.

It's very fashionable. Have either of you done it? No. No. Steve? No. OK. It's great.

I mean, you do feel it's very liberating, but I've never done it naked. No. Well, I mean, if you're Orlando Bloom, who's a name, once you take your trunks off in a public beach context, you can only be doing

that to get in the papers, can't you? Can there be any other reason for doing it? Well, maybe he thought it was... Did he forget he was famous? It's like he just, he thought, I'll take the heat off Tom Hiddleston for a while. In case any of you are thinking, well, I don't know, maybe he might not have been recognised. On the same board was Katy Perry.

Yes. Right, sitting in front. I'm not even sure she knew what he'd done. She had her back to him. She probably thought it was the... I'm describing her as the victim from now on. I think she thought that was at the beak of a playful dolphin banging against her back.

She's fully clothed. She's got a bikini on. She's got a bikini. Well, in his terms, that's fully clothed. Well, this is the other thing I felt for her. I think so. What did he? Katy Perry in a bikini, that should be the story, shouldn't it?

And, you know, I mean... Instead, old privates of the Caribbean, as they're calling him. Yes, exactly. I mean, that is... Because initially it was covered... It's like when you go to a wedding, you know, it's the bride's day. Yeah. You've stolen her thunder. When it's all of it, there are three people in this marriage. Because there was the black box...

I'm what a person. Sorry, Steve. It was obscured by the black box initially, the first photo. So you went by the shadow. And the first person to send me the uncensored version was producer Charlie. Oh, really? She sent me the uncensored image with the wait is over. And I was sat on a tube.

I was at a tube stop where you get the internet reception kicks in on the phone. And sat on a tube. I looked at the tube stop where you get the internet reception kicks in on the phone. And sat on a tube. I looked at the picture and exclaimed in the middle of the tube, Christ Almighty! I see. I won't tolerate blasphemy on this show. Oh, but you'll happily talk about privates in the Caribbean. I wasn't blaspheming.

It was praise. God was very proud of his creation. You talk about the gentleman's excuse me. Now... I can't tell you how upset I am now. Can I just say... God created that magnificent beast. The Daily Mirror had a flip for full nudity option on there.

I saw it. Which annoyed me, because they didn't do that when Ava Ertzigova accidentally strayed onto a nudie speech last week. Oh, no, we didn't have that option. We had to make do and mend. Come on. I mean, Orlando, I'm seeing him in a whole new light now. I mean, absolutely

magnificent. People are fed up with elections. I'm sorry, I'm not going to lie. I'm not beating around the bush. There was something extraordinary. Yes. People are fed up of the elections in the US are getting people down and he's that's one poll that everyone is interested in.

Oh, for goodness. Do you know what he... No, let's keep this clean. I would say, though, I think it was a bit like when the moths attacked Ronaldo. It was a global moment. It was shared joy. Well, I thought if they had the tunic slightly modified, he could play Captain Hook. You probably need to have seen the picture to have got the full impact. Frank, can I ask why Charlie is sharing these nudie pictures

with Steve and not with us? Well, I'm glad she didn't send it to me. I don't want that in my inbox. I do. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Meanwhile, over on Orlando's paddleboard...

Yes. ..things were hotting up. Well, they weren't, really. This is what was strange. I mean, she looked quite unmoved, but then I suppose, as you say, she wasn't aware. I don't think she knew. Also, she's got religious parents. I feel for her. Oh, yeah. I mean, what they're going to... You feel for her?

Yes. That's tricky when Orlando's around. Oh, come on, stop it now. I'm glad we kept this till last. I do think, though, there is something odd about stripping off under those circumstances. Now, I know the very beautiful are very body confident, aren't they? Oh, yes. Which is why you always get...

You know, I've seen it myself backstage at shows. No one's got a scrap on. Really? However... This is fashion shows, though. Stick around. You might want to get to know me. Models are very cash about it. Very cash. However, I just think there's something off about

it, quite honestly. If you're operating machinery of any sort, stay closed. It's a health and safety nightmare. It's health and safety. It's a vehicle you're driving. Lynne Forbes Wood would not be happy with what she saw. Frank doesn't say, do you want a lift in the BMW? He doesn't say,

oh, do you want a lift, and then the Calvin Classics come off. No, he can only be doing it for publicity. I mean, I just think he's thought to himself, it's about time I went public with this. Seems a shame to hide it for a second longer. Under a bushel.

And I do... I hope it's never been under Gary Bushell. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Have you ever done sport naked? Have you ever participated in any such activity? You and Charlie share some pictures again, like you've been this week. Have I ever done sport naked? I think I can honestly say I haven't.

I mean, I like the classical idea, you know, the Greek... We've all seen the naked Greek holding his discus. But I think... I don't like nakedness outside of the house. I don't like nakedness. I'll be straight with you. Don't you? No.

I think there's always a special... Why? Because then everything is, you know, everything is, that's the end, really. That's the full stop of the reveal. I like, you know, anyway, never mind what I like. That's neither hither nor thither no but also they love the beauty of clothes is that it allows us to let ourselves go a little bit and

they go by well that's just things from the i have given up see if exactly if he was if he was a less in shape guy i'd have thought respect to him you know if that had been a picture of me naked or the picture you wouldn't have been able to see anything very private because it would have been in deep shadow from my gut there's the pictures of david cameron on the beach who's filled out a bit but respect to people who do that and also i did i couldn't help but think sunburn you know what happened to me that standing up um yeah something i went to do you know about this, Steve? I burnt the very extremity. And the next time I went, you know those

gold cones that you felt? Oh, yeah, when you went. You called it the standing up sun thing. Do you mean a sunbed? A standing tan. No, not a sunbed. You stand up in a booth. Sun tan in a booth. You know when you get those gold cones that you put in your eyes to stop?

Well, next time I went back, I said, can I have three? And I honestly used three gold cones to protect myself. If you imagine C-3PO with no clothes on. Stand by your town. Frank, is Orlando the equivalent of that

Olympic wrestler or weightlifter in the Olympic Village going around wearing his gold medal, essentially. Well, I think he's, you know, they're both letting it dangle. But watch out for some... I tell you, I could have replaced Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer for a week. Anyway, he knows best, I suppose. He'll never be taken quite the same again, I think.

No, but it... Third Legolas, that quite the same again, I think. No. Anyway. No, but it... Third Legolas. That was the other nickname I've seen for him. Good Lord, will it never end? Can we just say, if anyone wants to go and see Gareth, he's on at Whistlebinkies, I believe the venue is called. And it's 2.45 every day. Yes, go and see Gareth Richards.

He's a very funny man. As anyone listening to this show will know. So thank you for listening to this show. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8.

Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.