The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Apple I

Episode Date: June 6, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank was given a portrait this week and shares it with the team. They also discuss the first Apple computer, the dog stunt double on BGT and standing ovations. As well as all of this there is a trip down memory lane to Frank's presenting on the Brits.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8 12 15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Beautifully done.

A great start. Yeah. Perfect. I wasn't happy with it. What about the world's deadliest spiders on the loose? What? Yes. Other? Yeah, did you not know about that? No, but he has agreed to stand down from the presidency, I believe. Yes, I don't like the sound of that at all.

I don't like them. Six-inch Brazilian wandering spider. No, thank you. Is that like them. Six-inch Brazilian wandering spider. No, thank you. Is that what it's called, the Brazilian wandering spider? Yes. Well, they're all fairly movable, aren't they? Spiders? They wander.

They do wander, yeah. That'll be one of those. You know, the big ones don't build webs. Don't they? Where do they live, then? Where's their crib? They just hang out on the chairs and stuff and in your slippers. Oh, I've met blokes like that. And the reason they don't build...

I was told this once by a zoologist. I'm sure there'll be readers who tell me I'm wrong. The reason they don't build webs is they're so quick. A fly lands, they're out the slipper, back in the slipper with it. That's all commitment folks say. Yeah. But, I mean, it's pretty... Imagine a spider that quick and that big.

I am doing now. Ah. That's what I'm doing. Aerosol, that's the secret, isn't it? Isn't it aerosol and cigar? Isn't that what Sean Connery did with the tarantula? Isn't that what he did? Was it aerosol and cigar?

Yeah, but... with the tarantula. Isn't that what he did? Was it aerosol and cigar? I'm not sure that's the recommended destruction technique. Not with a hairy man like Sean Connery. Yeah, he's asking for trouble, wasn't he? He could have gone up like a haystack. Whoa, I'd rather have had a spider. It's not brilliant, Sean Connery, but bear in mind he is on fire. Which I think distorts anyone's voice.

Yeah. We've actually had an email that I wouldn't mind bringing to your attention. You know, I do my little troll where I look through yesterday's emails. I like that. It's like we all worked in an office together. There's a sort of a ramp of emails. They start dribbling in on a Friday. Alan's a big fan of the Friday night crew.

I like to have a little look. I'm going to say at the start I think it's an odd one. It's got mystery and I think it's got a bit of humour so I hope I haven't built it up too much. I like the sound of it so far. It's entitled Fame.

Oh, I love it. It's my favourite email ever. It begins, To my horror, I became a celebrity about a year ago. Only locally, though. Very local.

I pulled a stunt after the pub one night and it went down so well that I was getting... This is so from Daisy. Isn't it, Frank? Isn't this the Cambridge... Or is it the Northampton crowd?

Oh, it could be. It went down so well that I was getting pointed at and talked about as the story began to spread. I was even getting stopped whilst in Asda. It was so bad, I've avoided my local pub and shops ever since. I've been wanting to ask the three of you, in your varying degrees of fame, how you managed to cope with it. Well, I can answer that fairly easily.

Do you mind it? Do you mind it do you like it i find it fascinating that frank feels okay to do normal things like visit castles etc do people look and point and take pictures from dracula yeah how do you feel just the normal family going to castles exactly oh. We did garlic. Oh, I really want to know what the post-pub stunt was that's made him a local celebrity. What else does it say? It does continue, but it doesn't say anything about what the actual... It says, it's my first time doing this sort of thing,

getting in touch with the radio station. Be gentle. Cheers, 405. I love it's my first time doing this scene. I've heard that before. They always say that. Like a virgin. Like a virgin. Well, that was if the Bee Gees had covered it. Yeah.

And they might. Thanks. Oh, my hat's fell off. Sorry. Well, I love it, personally. You do love it. I hated not being famous. One of the worst things that ever happened to me.

In fact, just to give you an insight into how much Frank enjoys being famous, he's admitted previously on this show that he goes downstairs for the breakfast in the hotel rather than getting room service, just so he could see people's reaction to him being in the breakfast room. No, that's not true. It is. I like to see other people at breakfast. It's a novelty. Other people watching you. It's a novelty.

No, often they're foreign. So they don't even know who I am. And you can imagine how much I hate that. Yeah, it must be off-shine ground. It's made me into a fierce jingoist. These damn foreigners. Some of them, they don't even know who I am! No, but seriously, I think it's great.

Because I went to that stage of being the local celebrity. I used to do two gigs a week, the Bear Taffin and the Hare and Hounds. And I was world famous in a tiny section of the West Midlands. And that's even better. Is it? Yeah. I think you should, this 405, is it? Yeah.

It should savour, savour it. Mm-hmm. I still want to know what they did post-pop. Yeah, me too. Yeah. We might know them. They might have some sort of... If you think so, We won't know.

I bet it's the Northampton Clown. It's got Northampton Clown written all over it. Which is interesting, because so is my van, and if I find out... Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had some correcciones. Okay. Frank, Connery used a shoe in Doctor No on the spider.

It was more... Hold on a minute. The gadgets really hadn't... In Doctor No, the first movie, they hadn't quite got the gadgets. He used the shoe. Did M call up and say, I've got something that's going to completely blow you away? Yeah, exactly. I've got a size 10 brogue.

Do you think it was just to create some kind of understanding between James Bond and the common man? Like, they see him smash a spider with a shoe and they go, oh, well, I'd do that. Maybe I'm like him. It's not very... I thought, oh... It's a bit visceral, isn't it? Does it say, um, Moore used aerosol and cigar, which, again, I think both were rather 70s, if you don't mind me saying this.

I'm both very Roger Moore. Where would Roger Moore have been without those items? His social life would have been in ruins. He used them on a snake well. 776 says in Live and Let Die. That sounds right, because isn't he in the Caribbean in Live and Let Die? No, he's in New Orleans, voodoo. Oh, I know.

569 says it was the man with the golden gun. Hot Island. Man with the golden gun. He's got a powerful weapon. Okay. No, I'm just... I heard that about Roger Moore. That's my favourite Bond song ever.

Is it? Is it? Oh, that's not mine. Mine is Nobody Does It Better. I'm slightly worried that we're about to encroach on a proper commercial radio texting. Oh, no, we don't. What's your favourite Bond song?

Can I send a message? Just keep them to yourself. We don't care. I have an answer to this. I'm not saying I don't care, but it's nice to keep them to yourself. We don't care. I have an answer to this, sir. I'm not saying I don't care, but it's nice to keep some things inside. You know this 405 character that was asking about our levels of fame and how we deal with it? Do I know? Everyone knows him.

They're all talking about him locally. I'm so happy that he's referred to my level of fame. There's an email here that I think illustrates my level of fame. It's entitled Alan Spotting. So you can imagine the monstrous ego that I was getting as I opened this email. I saw Alan in Tesco this week and approached him with the immortal words, I love listening to you guys on the Frank Skinner Show. He immediately responded, I'm not on the Frank Skinner Show.

I quickly realised to my horror I was speaking to Chris Marshall from the BT ads and awkwardly replied, my infinity broadband is fantastic before hurriedly walking away. Ah. Is that your looky-likey? That's my looky-likey, yeah. Mine's Nigel Clough, so he probably gets comments like that. Recently

sacked, I think. Have you had people come up to you in the street and say, nah, never mind. You'll be back. No, because I'm starting to morph into Brian Clough now. Oh, God. I think you've got a way to go. OK. Well, speaking of celebrity, guess what?

I received, I was presented with, a large portrait of myself this week. Oh, super duper. Exciting. Yeah. How large? myself this week. Oh, super duper. How exciting. Yeah.

How large? It'll take pride of place over let's say a mantle. So indoor, not like on the side of a lorry like you were doing for Prime Minister. No, no, no. It's a proper, you know, it's a painting. Was that a gift from your friends in the art world? Well, kind of.

I met a lady called Liesel. Oh, dear. No, it's not Liesel who used to work with us. What happened to her? Anyway, she... She's at a phone party in Ibiza. Oh, right now I can see her waving her glow sticks. Yeah.

No, but this Liesel is an artist and she did a painting of me. In fact, we'll put it up on our social media. Apparently we have a Twitter site. No one ran it by me. Why do you call it a site? Like it's Alveda's aim page. What do you call it then? Twitter what?

Page? It's just a Twitter account. It's just Twitter. But who wants an account? I mean, God, when they came up with that. No one with your bank. This super cool thing. They call it an account I mean no one with your bank this super cool thing they call it an account

oh god so all the sort of rock and roll Nick Grimshaw has got an account Grimmy's got an account rubbish anyway so I've got this lovely painting I must say she's one major mistake.

She's given me grey hair. Oh. What are you looking at? Look at my asshole. What is it? Don't nod. You're nudging. You nudged him then.

I could see that. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah, so it's's You've got your portrait down I've got my portrait, I'm going to put it on the wall

What, in here? No, not in here, I think at home I was going to say, I think we need to take a vote on that Would be good And yeah, I'm quite excited about it It's ruined my chances of ever being on Through the Keyhole Because once you see that on the wall It's ruined my chances of ever being on Through the Keyhole. Oh, yeah.

Because once you see that on the wall, it's the end of that. But, you know. A cat can whip it down. It means as well if a burglar gets in and they see that, they think, oh, there's probably more to be had in this house. So, hey, this is the home of famous slum landlord Frank Skinner. Yeah, they'll be going through it. Remember when George Harrison got...

God bless him, when he got burgled. That was terrible. And he said he walked out and he saw this bloke and he just shouted, Harry Krishna. Did he? That's what he said. And I thought, well, is the bloke at any doubt at all that it was George Harrison?

That would have completely confirmed it, wouldn't it? I don't know, what would you shout? Also, where do you find a poker nowadays, in the age of central? If the girlfriend says there's someone downstairs... I don't know what I'd shout. What do you take downstairs? That's probably...

Well, I'd take my Stuart Broad cricket bat. Oh, good shout. Is it full-sized? Or is it one of those little autographed ones? No, it's full-sized, of course. OK. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's probably quite a good indicator of the man inside, is what would you shout if a burglar came into your house? I think I'd shout, Get out of my house or I'll kill you. Something like that. Would you? Yeah. That tells us quite a lot about you.

Yeah, what does that say about me? I'd say, how dare you? How dare you? I would. Yeah? Yeah. What would that say about me? I'd say, how dare you? How dare you? I would. Yeah? Yeah. What would you say, Frank? I think I'd say, aren't you Justin Lee Collins?

They all look like that, don't they? Yeah. Their hair suit. Yeah. I don't know what I'd do. I mean, I'd go in straight with a poker. Would you? No warning.

Just straight in. I'd keep one forever I keep one. Forever red hot in anticipation. Outside every doorway in the home. They're situated around the house. It's like I gave a throne to my ass. They're hanging on the wall. Can't be too safe though. I'll tell you something

about my portrait which I thought was particularly accurate. It's my eyes. Can I say, I never thought I'd hear you say, I'll tell you something about my portrait. During those central reservation years. Well, it's true. Well, I had a portrait then, but it had my height on a wall behind me.

My eyes aren't quite the same size. Can you see that? Oh, no one's are, darling. No, but mine are quite distinctly different. Really? I hadn't noticed that before yeah i i i noticed but i put i tried on a bondage mask a couple of months ago and in the one disgusting in the what in the one eye hole i mean the eye dominated the whole space the other dominated the other eye was in a sea of flesh i had to zip one for any hope of symmetry.

Put the music on, Daisy. It's horrible. Yeah, Daisy's put the title of a track in front of me with some desperation, I think. Oh, it's a good track, that. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Oh, I'll tell you what, though. So I received this portrait in a cafe. Actually?

Yeah. Sounds like a bit of a spy handover. Yeah, and then, understandably, the artist, Liesl, said, can I take a photo of you holding it? So I had to stand. It was quite busy, this place. I had to stand. Not only was I standing up in my photo I took in there

but I was holding a portrait of me it was like, yes, it is that bloke off the telly, if there's any doubts I mean it was a bit awkward that's um yeah but you like fame I got through it

we have one of our readers asking what fame was like, and that's it in a nutshell, Frank. Do you think so? Standing holding your own portrait for a photo in a busy cafe. I guess you're right. Mm-hm. Albus Oil.

Ten grand I got for that. I told them I'd get it in. I doubt that Albus Oil have got ten grand to spend on anything. I was going to read you an email, but I can't find it now. Oh, don't worry about it. Frank won't do voiceovers or anything like that much, will he? Well, I don't want to do you out of work. Very pure, isn't he?

Maybe you do want to do voiceovers. Oh, I'm pure. I tell you what, I had an interesting conversation as I was driven in this morning the driver said to me are you going to Golden Square? and I said yeah that's right in case you don't know, Golden Square is the home of Absolute Radio and he said, oh that's where the

Launch and Vouchers Redemption Centre used to be I never knew that I did think I'd gotten through a time vortex of some kind. I hadn't heard the phrase luncheon voucher. And this is what... He worked in a shop, and I didn't know you could do this with luncheon vouchers. Do you remember luncheon vouchers?

Oh, hell yeah. People used to get them as a little sort of supplement to their wages. Yes. And you could go to a restaurant, I think, and spend, or shops had them. You could go and buy food and things. Although, if a man took you to a restaurant using lunch and vouchers, it wasn't a good sign. Well, I once met Cynthia Payne, who, I don't know if you remember, she ran a house of ill repute where they accepted lunch and vouchers as payment.

You've worked with them all, haven't you? Yeah, I have. I have. She was a charming character. But, yeah, so this bloke worked in a shop previously and he used to bring all the ones that he'd been given by customers and used to redeem them in Golden Square.

Wow. I wish he was still here, do you? Well, that'd be handy. I'd love to go past the Lunch and Voucher Redemption. Do people still have traveller's checks? Is that... That's a good question. Someone will know out there.

Oh, I missed. And Tic Tac Man. You know Tic Tac Man from the race courses? Gone. These we have loved. Absolute Radio Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio You know we

We pride ourselves on being an inclusive show here I think And I think that's to our strength What does it mean? Well I think we keep people updated on things If they're new readers We like to let them know what we're referring to, because there's got a lot of what I would call running jokes on the show. Would you say?

Is that from the same family as the running saw? Yeah. Okay. So, you know, if we use the A.E. Houseman alarm, then you would... Oh, you know what you've done now? You've referred to A.E. Houseman. You know what's going to happen now, don't Oh, you know what you've done now? You've referred to a houseman. You know what's going to happen now, don't you? You know what's going to happen

once you mention a houseman. I didn't mean to. The whole damn... How many times? Oh. Well, that's what... This is what happens, isn't it? You see, what worries me, what worries me about this is the pensioners in the family are already in the garden between two sandbags.

It's all very well being new. We'll meet again. We don't want to terrify the older listeners. We've had an email. I mean, I've got doubts about reading this to you, but I'm going to do it just to keep people in the loop We can handle it What if it's really full of expletives then?

Just read some straight out Expletives Expletives Extraordinary That's what they're called isn't it? Expletives Expletives Why not?

Let's call the whole thing No let's not call it that Let's call the whole thing. No, let's not call it that. Okay, Karen. Let's call the whole thing Descartes. It's your Descartes moment, Frank. What happened that was so bad? We're going to hell in a Descartes. Hi, Frank and gang.

I started listening to the podcast of your show just after Christmas and have thoroughly enjoyed working through the back catalogue. Unfortunately, I'm nearly up to date now. What am I working through? It makes it sound like an arduous toss. Well, you know, there are peaks and troughs. Unfortunately, I'm nearly up to date now and will soon have to restrict myself

to waiting for the weekly show to appear on my list of podcasts. After listening to over two years of shows in roughly six months, I have one question in relation to a topic that occasionally arises but is never properly explained. Oh God, it's not my age, is it? No. Frank dot dot dot,

what happened when you presented the Brit Awards that fills you with such dread every time the subject is brought up? Yours with bated breath, Sean. Can we have an alarm activated for when the Brits is mentioned? Because I feel stiff and stressed. The thing is with the Brits, yes, I presented them in,

I can't remember what year it was, 2000 and... As if he can't remember. I honestly can't remember the year. I've had the whole thing removed from my mind. Some laser surgery. What it actually was, was a pretty flat gig as the Brits.

I had presented at the Brits a few years before and it was a void of... I mean... You're listening to In Conversation with Frank Skidmore. It's like speaking into a vacuum because most of the people were, well obviously they were representatives of the music business and they were there to talk

to each other, understandably. They were seeing people they hadn't seen for a while. And Frank, they were strung out. Some of them were strung out. Let's face it. So it was just a difficult gig. And also I co-hosted it with Zoe Ball, and I think I didn't help, really. But it wasn't...

Actually, I've had much worse gigs. But to be honest, it's quite nice to have a bad gig you can refer to in a terrible way. And you know what, we can all refer to it as well, constantly. I've probably made it a lot worse than it was for comic effect. It's a good short hunt for a tough gig, isn't it? Yeah, it is, exactly.

I might watch it this weekend. Just because it's been a while, and I'm intrigued now, so thanks for that. What I remember, one example I'll give you is at one point I said, now it's time for some garage music and I sang You Can't Get Quicker Than A Quick Fit Fitter.

I think that was a good joke. Well, I mean, I don't think anyone's ever done well hosting the Brits. That would be my contention. So now they have people that just talk and don't really do jokes at all. So I think I was one of their last shots at it.

And I fell short. Okay, so you've made me say all that. I feel strangely clean. But I feel that you haven't given me my how many Hail Marys do I have to say now? Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We've had some comments through on your Brits performance. Oh, God, what... Keep it topical. What is it, 15 years or something? At Brainy Chat says, Frank, you made the Brits sound like it was just a bad gig

where nobody laughed. It made the national news. Well, it was the Brits. It's going to make the national news. Did Sir Trevor say something? I remember I had to, in the dress rehearsal, I say dress rehearsal, I met Sting.

I went over and had a chat with Sting. He didn't have a shirt on for the whole conversation. Well, he doesn't need one, in fairness. No, but I tell you, I found the lip, you know, had it been a woman saying just a brassiere, I wouldn't have been able to, but as I was talking, I was really staring at his,

it seemed okay because it was a bloke. Did you pass comment? I don't think I did. Just a little droplet of saliva came hanging and hung about eight inches from my mouth. Just suspended there, but then I went

and it went straight back up again. He never said a word. I think he said that at one point. So yes, it was in the National. Oh, it was a public disgrace. I'm not said that at one point. So, yes, it was in the National. Oh, it was a public disgrace. I'm not denying that. It was up there with the Profumo affair. Man has tough gig is one of the better public disgraces, though, isn't it?

There's been much worse public disgraces. I can't think of a worse one than Man's Tough Gig. But, you know, that's just me. Absolute, Absolute Radio.. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. And, you know what, you can text the show on 81215

or you can follow the show at Twitter on Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Morning again, Frank. Morning. For listeners joining us an hour later. Morning, Jim. Morning, Peter. Morning.

I'll tell you what I'd like to discuss this morning, which I can't believe we haven't raised, because I know Daisy, the producer, is such an avid fan of BGT. Mm-hm. The Scandal. Do you know about the fake Matisse? Oh, yes. So this is Matisse the dog. Oh.

Not the painting. I thought there was a scandal in the art world. Well, is it not the was? Let's leave that to Radio 4. No, but do you remember the was? I think it was last year there was. Yes. In Venezuela.

Mm-hm. They found that a Matisse that they'd had in the museum for years had been stolen and replaced by a fake and no-one had noticed because it was well done. That was a much smaller story... Than this fake Matisse. ..than a dog that pretended to be another dog. Well, she used a stunt double dog called Chase

because apparently Matisse is afraid of heights. Aren't we all, love? How do you find that out about a dog? Yeah. Why is a dog afraid of heights. Aren't we all, love? How do you find that out about a dog? Yeah. Why is a dog afraid of heights anyway? Surely they've no concept of... Of height. Of height and danger.

Surely they just go, well, I'm happy. You just don't take them high, do you? I don't know, if I take a dog for a walk, which obviously I don't, because I haven't got one. I like to, as part of her defence, she said Jules O'Dwyer i believe i don't have her age at this point i should say comma 45 but let's say 45 harsh she's probably 33 it's a tough business dog training she said look chase the fumes frank let me tell you this she said look

chase is matisse's best mate i'm not sure you can really make presumptions about dogs' emotional investments in one another. They're not best mates, dogs. They're all rivals. You put a lamb chop on the floor, we'll see who's his best mate. Exactly. It's like dogs are like comics in that respect. I don't agree with that. I think comics are a bit of a loving brotherhood in many ways.

There's some rivalry, but I think there's more companionship. I love there's some rivalry. I haven't listened to anything since Frank mentioned lamb chops. I'm just hungry now. Me, I'll just eat a lamb chop. I love a lamb chop. Can we get some? Can we get some in, Dave? Isn't it a bit mean, the way she's naming them?

It comes with a handle. I love food that comes with a handle. What about the white chef's hat you used to have on it? Oh, you haven't seen one of those for ages. Oh, I love the Galloping Gourmet. It's a long time. Isn't it a bit, um- I used to use it for my action man after. Ricky laughs

That's a good- Like he was in the- he was in the naffy. He was in some Gordon Ramsay figure. Yeah. Now- Hasn't she named these dogs in a slightly sort of disparaging way? One's called Matisse. Like, oh, it's arty and clever.

And one's called Chase. Like, oh, you're just a simple thing. All you'll do is run after stuff. As a dog ever done, you can have all these dog acts that do tightropes and stuff. Has a dog ever done a better thing than chasing its own tail?

If I was watching Britain's Got Talent, they brought a dog on that just did that, that would be the winner for me. It's the best thing. My dog used to do it. Which one, Shep? Shep used to do it. And sometimes he'd catch it.

And he'd have the tail in his mouth. And he'd slow the whole thing down then. The whole thing would slow. And he'd just be like in his mouth and he'd slow the whole thing down then. The whole thing would slow and he'd just be like this beautiful, like a doughnut going round. And he used to look up at me with this terrible, what, what now? Oh, yeah. What we all do when we achieve our ultimate ends. I've achieved what I wanted.

Yeah. He was never the same. He was like George Best. He was never the same after. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Anyway. Simone Cowell,

he wasn't happy. Oh. He loves the dog act, though, doesn't he? No, but he was angry about the switch. He does. He always used to go on about how he loves the dog act. He said, I did raise my voice. Yes. I bet that wasn't a pretty sign. I bet he said, get under!

Do people still say that to dogs? You've got a dog, Alan. I've got a dog. Do you ever say get under? Get under? Yeah. Get under what Do people still say that to dogs? You've got a dog, Alan. I have got a dog. Do you ever say get under? Get under? Yeah. Get under what? You know, a table or something, where they live. I don't want her under the table.

It lives in a basket or in its cage. Like, it's got a little bed in a cage. But I would never say get under. Why don't you, one night while it's sleeping, fit a bit of a rope and pulley thing? Yeah. When it wakes up

the next morning. This sounds responsible. It's 200 feet up. See if it likes heights. 200? Yeah, yeah. Right now. I really want to know

if your dog is frightened of heights, if it's a common thing amongst dogs. We live in a very flat city as well. It's just very difficult to find out.

There's not even a nearby cliff when you want one. You live in a flat city? Where do you live? Dresden. Sorry, that was... Take that back. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Emily said that Simon Cowell admitted to raising his voice. The actual quote in the paper was, the moment I found out, I literally put my head in my hands. Literally? Literally, not metaphorically. He put his head in his hands. Like a Tudor ghost.

I'm glad he made that clear. I'm thinking of Cowell as a Tudor ghost, thanks. I think he should have said, the moment I found out I put my head in my hands, why didn't anyone tell me about my hairstyle? It's got like some weird parting in the middle I had no idea about. I wonder if when he did get angry and lose it, he went a bit Hulk, and I think the jean button would have remained intact.

Oh, yes, exactly. But the bottoms of the jeans are a bit ragged. I mean, he doesn't actually admit that he got angry and lost it. He said he put his head in his hands and then he says, I spoke to a lot of people after and I did raise my voice. But that could have been, there could have been some, like, there could have been a generator nearby

while they were having that conversation. It could have been harder for you. They might have some elderly people working on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Just raising their voices. Or he might have spoken, they might have been a long way away. Well, Simone's no spring chicken himself. There was a picture of him in the paper stooping down and stroking the dog way over.

Yes, I saw that. And his trousers looked like some 70s flamenco dancer. Was that... Incredible. What happened with that money? Do you think he was trying to win the competition instead of Matisse? God!

Is he wearing a white shirt and jeans, perjones? Oh, no, no. But this, it wasn't jeans, it was trousers. And it was... I would have... If anyone else, I would have thought there's a bloke who was a bit impoverished, bought some dead man's trousers from a charity shop. But this is a bloke who's a multi-millionaire,

who likes... Oh, right! Oh, dear. Other than that, I don't know what, I don't know what the... What the fuss is about, though. What are you laughing at? I don't understand what's wrong about a dog walks... You know, they went and they saw a dog walk a tightrope.

Does it matter which dog it is? I know. They saw a dog walk a tightrope. Does it matter which dog it is? I know. They saw a dog walk a tightrope. They're all the same species. You can't say that, Frank. It's a bit like if Dynamo... If you discovered that Dynamo had switched and he'd had some man, he said, oh, by the way, I'm afraid of heights.

That's wrong. Yes, no, but hold on. If Dynamo, say, flew above the Shard... Yeah. ..and then he said, actually, it wasn't me, it's I've got a, say, flew above the Shard, and then he said, actually, it wasn't me, it's a mate of mine flew above the Shard, I'd think, whoa, somebody flew above the Shard. I wouldn't think, oh, it wasn't him.

These are dogs as well. I mean, God bless. I know there's a lot of dog lovers out there, but dogs are basically interchangeable. They're a species. A fang. No, but I mean, in an act like that, you go and you think

I want to see a dog walk a tightrope you saw a dog walk a tightrope doesn't have to be that I am very suspicious that that isn't Alicia Silverstone's

bottom in Batman and Robin when she puts the Batgirl out you and your up to date references but I'm well it's

to be honest that image burnt on my mind and I said I bet that's not her she doesn't look like she's the right... But no one minded that. They use doubles all the time, the big film stars.

We don't condemn them. True enough. There you are. There's my defence of Matisse. Hopefully they'll get him off the hook. Did I tell you he was on a hook? Cole decided the way to put a hook in the back of the collar and take him up to 3,000 feet.

See how he likes that. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Last night, I... I don't know if I want to hear the end of this anecdote. It's OK. Last night I lay a dreaming I dreamed a dream so fair

I dreamt of all Jerusalem beside the temple there that was the strokes yes last night I went to the Royal Greenwich Observatory you do loads of normal stuff don't you

loads of normal non, don't you? Yeah. Oh, I do normal stuff. Loads of normal, non-famous stuff. Yeah, there was a talk about a new book called The Scientific Secrets of Doctor Who, I think it's called. Very fine. Lovely. And, you know, I'm not a science person,

but it was interesting. But do you remember a couple of weeks ago someone sent in an acronym so that we could remember the couple of weeks ago someone sent in an acronym so that we could remember the order of the planets yeah yeah it was many volcanoes erupt moldy jam sandwiches usually not plum um well i discovered last night and actually this i do remember this story i think in the press that pluto umom in this instance, isn't actually classified as a planet anymore.

No. What is it now? Dwarf planet at best. Is that what they're calling it now? Are they allowed to say that? Yeah, you can still say that. That's alright. It's so strict. So that

is out of date. Oh, no. Apparently there's been a big fuss about the whole Pluto thing. It hasn't reached our house. No, oh, my. It didn't reach Hello Magazine. I've only just learned that acronym as well, it seems like. I know, so what's it going to be now?

It's going to be... What a waste. You spend all the time learning that. Many volcanoes erupt mouldy jam sandwiches, usually not. It's not the same, is it? It's terrible to be... What a waste. You spend all the time learning that. Many volcanoes erupt mouldy jam sandwiches, usually not. It's not the same, is it? It's terrible now, Frank. It's got no rhythm. Nutella.

What about Nutella at the end? Usually Nutella might work. You made it work. It's lovely. Many volcanoes erupt mouldy jam sandwiches, usually Nutella. Lovely. I don't like... There's a slight attitude in your voice with the Nutella.

Do it again, Frank, but sound a bit happier. I also think Nutella sounds like a teenage blogger who's got eight million followers. And a book deal. Yeah, exactly, one of those. And their own clothes line, yeah. When I say their own clothes line, I've got my own clothes line.

I've got pegs and everything. It doesn't make me special. Can I talk about myself, Frank? Yeah. Oh, good. Okay. So I've got quite a lot of things to tell you both. Okay, good. I went to see David Baddiel this week. Professionally or personally?

Professionally. Oh, okay. I went to see his work in progress. Very good £12.50 worth. Oh, good. Do you know, I heard Barbara Windsor say that once when I was at a Sue Pollard gig. What? She said, good £10.50 worth. Oh, good. Do you know, I heard Barbara Windsor say that once when I was at a Sue Pollard gig. What? She said, good £10 worth, darling. Oh, lovely.

So this was good £12.50 worth, darling. Yeah, perhaps. And it was such a relief to be able to laugh with a band. You know that feeling when you've been to see a friend and you think, thank heavens it was good? And it was. I'm going five stars for a working programme. Five stars? Yes!

Tremendous work. You can use that on the poster. Afterwards, though, we went for dinner. It was me, David, and a man he introduced as his friend from university. Could have told us he was the editorial executive for BBC Two. We've got

ideas to pitch, Frank, haven't we? We've got so many documentaries. I haven't got any ideas. We've come up with so many on this show. We've come up with a lot, actually. Have we? Yeah, there is. Holder was, what was that one, The Bells of Wales?

Yeah, exactly. When I go from Welsh church to Welsh church. Exactly. Talking about the different... Oh, and there's me and Ollie Merce built a Catholic church in the Antarctic. We could have got all those off the ground. I have to say, I'm sorry, cold, frank, incense and Merce.

That was the... And you say you don't have ideas, come on. I know, but they're rubbish ideas. So that wouldn't stop being made. As long as they've got a punning title. What about my idea for the story of Adrian Charles' birth? When H.I.L.S. is born. That is brilliant.

Come on! We've got ideas. Anyway, so we sat down and we had dinner. What has happened to men's food? I mean, what do they eat now? It's all about Californian. What about when H.I.L.S. is bald? And it could be... So it could be a programme about the future,

like Tomorrow's World, but that could be the general title, When A Child Is Bald, which is what 10 years' time say. So what life will be like then? And it can end... I like what life will be like then. It will affect all of us.

No, but he's just a marker for time in that particular title. And you could Photoshop him, so as you go forward a year and think what technology there'll be then, then you see him get a little bit bald or a little bit bald. I love that idea. OK, what's his mate? What's his mate called? Adam.

Give him a bell. So, yeah, we had food, and this is what concerned me. What has happened to men and food? Did they put the bib on? Is that what happened? No, they've gone so like ladies, I'm sorry. What? Well, I remember the old days. People in comedy, TV, you know, they'd have a meat, a red wine.

Steak and chips? Exactly. Yeah, steak, that'd be all over. I ordered the fish and chips. David, I'll have the chicken and the... Have you got any okra? What? BBC executive had just a salad, please.

I mean, how embarrassing for me with the fish and chips. I was like, it's a 70s relic. They picked at the food. Wow, really? Yes. Oh, goodness me. This is the... They're all California now.

You're right, it's the modern man. I know. For... I went... I went out the other night and uh i had rice pudding for tea oh nice i just had a nice tin of rice pudding oh that tin yeah did you order that in a restaurant no i just i did i thought you know what a fancy i don't fancy i love fancy nice rice pudding so i had that that my dinner. Did you eat it out of the tin? No, no, I warmed it up.

What do you think I am, an animal? On occasion. No, I warmed it up. It was really nice. So that, you know, I just thought I'd mention that. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. David Baddiel's just texted me. Oh, I see. Is he absolutely furious that you've given away his dinner?

He said I did not pick up my food. Oh. Full stop. I hoovered up, close quotes, that plate of okra. Well, I lived with him seven years. I never saw him hoover. Okra? Well, I lived with him seven years. I never saw him hoover. Okra? Okra. What is okra?

I think it's some sort of African vegetable. I think it is. I think... Wasn't there some big okra scandal? Oh, no. Was it okra? Oh, I get confused. There's been okra as well.

Oh, God. Famished road. Yeah. You're right. It's too complated. It's too... It's too complated. So much food-based stuff. It's Ben Ockrey as well. Oh, God. Pamish Road. Yeah. You're right, it's too complated. It's too complated. So much food based stuff going on. It's so complated because it's on a plate

and it's controversial. I know you're listening, David, but I did love your show. Congrats, you're well done. There you go. Mazel Tov. I'm told I'm in it. You are in it. Yeah, I was never asked. Well, you're not. Tell him that. Shall I text him?

It's all right, I'll just invoice him. OK. Handling fees. I went to a book launch recently as well. It was my friend's book, Hot Feminist. I went to a book launch. Did you? What was it for? For you guys.

It was Simon Armitage's Walking Away from... Walking Away, I think it's called, yes. He does the... He walks from Minehead to the Silly Isles. Oh, yeah. And every night he does a poetry reading. Oh, that's nice. That's good.

How was your book launch? It was good. There was a good bit where someone asked him about beach holidays and he said he hates beach holidays and I'm not a fan of beach holidays. No. And he said, yeah, he said it's like going on holiday in a quarry. Which I thought was, that's kind

of how I feel about it, I must say. I like it. Anyway. It seems good. What was yours? Okay, back to me. I had an encounter which I thought... What was the book? Oh, it was called Hot Feminist. Okay.

What do you wear to Hot Feminist launch? Hot pants. I'm very glad you weren't there. That's what I would have worn. I was so nervous about my outfit, I changed in the cab. I'd wear a smouldering brazie. What about that? I'd have gone hot pants and some of my sports briefs, just in case.

Showing over the top so you can read, you know, the people, so you can read the waistband. Yeah. Calvin Classics. I think that would have looked quite, well, I'm going to call specialist interest. That happened to the pair of my pants. I could read them over the top of my trousers, but it said Daddy Pig. That's cool. I had one of those moments, though, Frank, when a woman approaches you and you don't know who she is.

I used to live for those moments. I've never had those moments. She said hello. I was with my boyfriend and another woman, and this woman came over, and I kissed her hello. I said, hi, how are you? I realised I had no idea who she was. Oh, that's... You committed early.

She wasn't giving me the biographical footholds. Oh, no. You know, I was saying, how's work? How's everything? Fine, fine. How about you? Did she definitely know you? Oh, yeah. And I sort of vaguely recognised her. Oh. So I thought she'd move on. She didn't. She committed to our group. Oh, no. So then I thought the onus is on me now. I'm going to have to do the introductions. So instead of doing that, I decided I was going to do an emergency parachute jump and bail. So what I did, while she joined the group, everyone stopped and looked at her as if to say,

can you introduce us? Yeah. And I got my phone. I pretended I'd had an emergency call or text of some sort. Oh, excellent. Oh, my God, I'm sorry. I'm just going to have to go. And then I ran over to another group

and I said, talk to me very animatedly as if something's happened. You had trust in that group? I did. It was a circle of trust. And they did. And then I saw them all introducing themselves and it was fine.

I was quite pleased. I got my karmic recompense, though, because moments later, I went over to join the group and a woman i know relatively well and i've met her a number of times she said to me uh who are you oh can you imagine how i felt oh i said i'm emily dean i went a bit on sparsakus yeah and i didn't like her after that no but i mean this is could have been many reasons. But don't you think, in fairness, which was the best way, my way or her way?

I do like her, that's mean. It just slightly put me off her. I think you... It's put me off her, and I don't even know who she is. I think... I don't think I would have taken... done the phone thing. Wouldn't you? Why not? Because I think being caught out like that... What if you'd been caught out that way? That would have done the phone thing. Wouldn't you? Why not? Because I think being caught out like that, what if you'd been caught out that way? That would have been... Oh, I mean, respect to you.

But of course, you know, you're a child actor. You fell back on what you know best. Whereas I think rudeness is my first point of call. I wouldn't have said, who are you? I would have looked at the other people in the group and said, who is this? Let them have both barrels, I say. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I'll tell you what I do love in the news. A manhunt. I'm particularly pleased by a manhunt in the news. Oh, yeah? Oh, I love it. I'm worried where this is going. Well, actually, this isn't a manhunt. It's a womanhunt. Yeah?

In San Francisco, they're trying to find a woman who put in for recycling a load of computer bits and bobs. Oh, yes. And one of them was a rare Apple I computer. Yes. Which is worth loads of money. Tons. And they've sold it.

You'd be a terrible journalist. You think so? I would be a very good one. My first thought is, how much is this worth? It's worth loads of money. We'll get back to you on those figures presently. 130 grand. 131,000.

Pounds. Pounds. That's not dollars. I've never heard of the Apple one, have you? It was the first one. So what's the current one called? Oh, it's like a... They haven't just numbered them, have they?

MacBook Pro or something. Exactly. Why isn't it like the Apple 30s? Do you know what? This is like hearing Jonathan Ives and his assistant talking. I don't know who that is. The thing is, there's a picture of it. I'm embarrassed you don't know who that is. The thing is, there's a picture of it. I'm embarrassed you don't know who that is.

He's the big cheeser apple. He does, he designs all the bits. Cheese and apple. One of my favourite sandwiches. Very nice, yeah. I used to peel the apple first. Now I don't bother. No, I would.

I've gone artisan. Imagine being the big cheeser apple. You'd have a field day, wouldn't you? I've had a look at this computer. There's a picture of it in there and it looks rubbish. There's not a screen. There's not even a keyboard. It's wood! It's made of wood!

Who wants a wooden computer for £131,000? It looks more like a mangle than a computer. Absolutely. It's been bought by an idiot, I can tell you that. They could have got, they spent £900 they could have got a laptop. I mean, what a fool. Talk about a rip-off, huh? They could have got, spent 900 quid, they could have got a laptop. I mean, what a fool. Talk about a rip-off, huh?

They could have got the new MacBook for, um... And then kept 130 grand for spend. Ridiculous. They could have had a wooden thing made for it, like a radiograph. Yeah, they could have a wooden cover. They could have also had a wooden computer. They could have had a mangle on the side. They could have had a tumble dryer on it.

Early example of convergence technology there. Exactly, fusion. It just doesn't, and it's not very portable, that thing. How's he carrying that around? I don't know, he'd be all right if he was travelling by water. Just float across with you. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner?

Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. I like the man, where she lost it, or where she dropped it off, sorry. So what did she actually do then? I think her husband died and she took a load of old computer parts. Don't keep it light.

I've always got one hand on the sad button. We just had a go at him for not being journalistically forensic enough. He's giving you the full backstory. Yes, she took it and buried it. Did we need the bereavement? And, uh, So she had a load of computers she wasn't using. Yeah, and she dropped it off.

He was still using that, the bloke. He was electrocuted, that's how he died. Right, then. But the, uh, the chap... You got RSI from the wooden keyboard. I've been typing all afternoon. I've got a few splinters.

The chap at Clean Bay Company, which is where it was dropped off, said he remembers her and he said he offered her a receipt but she said she didn't want one. But what is this place? Is it like a tip, like a public... What, are you planning on going there?

It's a recycling centre. It sounds like the beginning of an investigation on your part. You can go there. I'm holding a biro as well, detective style. Tell me more. Listen to this on the teeth. Yeah. Tell me a bit more. Where's your black coffee and your marriage problems? I don't, um, stick around. I, you know I don't drink coffee. But, uh, I, uh... Oh, how do you recycle something like a computer? I think you just give it to these people that know how to do it.

So they recycle the individual parts? He doesn't work for Sir Alan, does he? They probably take out the metal bits, and then the wood they probably use as kindling. Oh, wow. You know, that wooden computer we've all been laughing at? It was first sold for $666. I think that's quite a lot of money back then.

That is a lot of money. That would have been a lot, yeah. Kindling, that's what Kindle should have a wooden... Kindle should be kindling, yeah, yeah. But people don't think these things through, that's what I find annoying. Well, Apple don't think things through. No, they don't.

They're just flailing around like fools. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran, the A-Team. You can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on 8 12 15, follow the show

on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. That's S-I-T-E. Website. That's how they spell it. We were talking about this rare Apple I computer. It's absolutely horrible.

It's made partly of wood and it was deposited at Clean Bay Area which is the recycling centre computer. It's absolutely horrible. Made partly of wood. And it was deposited at Clean Bay Area which is the recycling centre. And Clean Bay Area have said the mystery woman had dropped off the box of electronics in late April. She's been, they've put

out a search for her. They've put out a little video and stuff because they owe her money now. APB or Points Bulletin I believe. Well of course they've emailed her, but she doesn't have any computers. It must be quite nice for her now. She's a mystery woman. That's quite exciting, isn't it? Well, if you don't know.

No, I suppose not. Well, the man at the cleaning company said I just need to look at her. That's what he said, yeah. I like this hand of him. That sounds rather slapdash security. Yeah. I don't think, I don't know if he'd be able to get a job at passport control with those sort of... They've not issued a description of her. They've literally said it's a woman between 60 and 70 years old

and driving an SUV, you know, the sports utility vehicle. Oh, yeah. Well, I was... What about this? I was driving through Greece once with my girlfriend and two old ladies stepped out into the road to flag the car down. And I went to slow up, and then I realised there were two blokes. Do what? Yeah, so I accelerated.

But why did you accelerate? Well, because it's a bit... Maybe they needed help. Well, what are you suggesting? They were pre-op transsexuals looking for funds? No, they were bandits. That's what they were. Oh, were they?

Yeah, I think they dressed as old ladies so that we'd, you know, think, oh, look at these poor old ladies. Oh, I see. Yes. Oh. Well, that was my theory. Oh, I thought you just meant that on closer inspection.

I hope so. I killed one of them and winged the other. No, it was quite scary, though, I tell you. Anyway, I'm just saying it could have been one of those blokes. The whole thing could be a scam. Oh, yeah? You think so? Yeah. If you don't mind me saying...

It's the tray out of a Victorian body cage. You do have a tendency to think everything is a scam. Well... Like poetry news updates. Well, yeah, but I was right about that. Yeah, you got your money back. I got my refund from... I mean, respect to iTunes.

Yeah. Of course, we wouldn't have an iTunes if it wasn't for this old lady who invented the wooden computer. I think she invented it. Didn't invent it? Okay. I think it was designed and hand-built by Steve Wozniak. Oh, okay. You know Steve Wozniak. Thanks for the tip.

Okay, so they are... They're looking for a 60- to 70-year-old woman who drives an SUV. In San Francisco, they should narrow it down to about £3 million, shouldn't it? And they're going to return the... They're going to give her half the cash. So it's been sold? Yep, it's been flogged for about £131,000. No, it's not about, it's £131,000.

You see, one could argue that what they should have done is contacted her and said, sorry, you accidentally dropped a really, really expensive computer. Do you want it back? Not sell it. Now suddenly she gets her half. Hold on a minute, when was this decided? What they've done, obviously, is they've got this, sold it,

and then they've got a bit panicky that it might get out. Oh, yeah, yeah. And we thought, well, we'll say we'll give her half. Yeah. It's what I call a backed into a corner honesty. Worthless, I'm afraid. Because you could say that, once again, a woman tempted someone with an apple and they fell into sin.

Yeah. Oh, I love that. Always on the lookout for a religious comparison to a story, isn't it? There's not enough of it on this channel. If I've said that once, I've said it a thousand times. Is it a channel? It's a station, in fact. That would be nice for one of your vicar speeches on a Sunday. Yes.

And in many ways, we are all like that apple one. We appear old and rattled, but we contain in us the seed of the future. The future which I like to call when a child is born. So you're going to get a commission, that? I'll tell you. I bet we're being called.

Yeah. Yes, sorry, you were going to say something, Alan? I was going to say, I've actually got an old laptop that I only use to play music in the, in my bedroom. Oh, yeah, music. And it does feel a bit, it does feel a bit of a shame that- Oak? Such a, uh, maple, actually.

Maple, lovely. It's a really nice special edition. I've got a teak one. Oh, I've, I've gone pine. Oh. Yeah. Oh, no, that's a bit, what's gone pine. Oh, no, it's a bit... I can hear yours. Yeah, it's a bit lofty.

Those pine centres you used to get in the 80s that had a rocking chair outside. Oh, those were the golden days. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Yeah, so it's a... Have you ever thrown anything away like that that was... I have a childhood memory of my mum throwing some kind of, like, prize-winning card where they'd won a car or something. Oh, no. And they'd been quite a big family. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah.

A car. I don't actually know the details. Maybe I should ring her and ask her about this. I'll keep you updated next week. Yeah. I remember there being family tension about this having been binned. Well, because you'd be a bit suspicious, wouldn't you? A bit suspicious that they've collected the

car, sold it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and then she was driving a Range Rover for the following few years. Odd. Said she'd found it or something. I don't know what that was about. She didn't take any of your dad's stuff to get recycled. Yeah, something like that. Big car, old lady.

She's not that old. OK, well, they didn't say how old she was. I mean, to be fair, the official Apple statement was from Siri. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry, I didn't understand that. What about when I had a signed book with a personalised cartoon

from Spike Milligan? Oh, no. You didn't throw that away. I didn't, but let's just say it went missing. Oh. Oh. Don't panic, though, I've still got Arthur Miller's letter in a safe place. Oh, that is nice. That is excellent.

I've got Arthur Mollard's. Google it. You know, the only thing I can think of is... Do you remember those part works? Do they still exist, part works? Part... Carry on. They're like magazines that you get every week and then you put them in a

binder. I remember them. It was quite sort of 70s, 80s. I think they still exist now. Every Christmas you get something like the delivery vehicles of the past. Oh yeah. These beautiful scale models available.

The first number one edition, 20p. The next edition, 223 quid. That's what they do with them. That's how they get you, Frank. There was one called The Story of Pop. Do you remember it? Right.

Pop music? Yes, talk about it. Not soft drinks. No, exactly. I remember the Harwhites edition, one of the best. So, yeah, it was the story of popular music. Lovely. And it was brilliant, it was really brilliant.

But there was one year, I had the three bound volumes. I think there was a total of four, but I had three. And one year I moved seven times in in 13 months i remember moved house and every time i moved i left something i just saw not taking that so every time you move you it's a great way of getting rid of excess and on the last move i thought you know what i'm not bringing the story of pop so i left it. However, strangely, only this week, I remember thinking of the Story of Pop. So I

had a little look on eBay. There they were. Three bound volumes. Not mine, but somebody's. How much? I don't know if I should say that. Fifteen quid. So, I've... Treat yourself. Get the lot. I've got them. Buy it now. I've bought them. Buy it now. I bought them.

Did you buy them? Yeah. Why not? What about that? So, all this woman needs to do is get on eBay. Yeah. She's worried. There'll be loads of them on there, the Apple ones.

There'll be some fool selling one for about 30 quid. Thinks it's used to have contained cutlery. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We had a Christmas card arrive today. Oh yeah? From Australia. Is it early or late?

Which have we got anyway? I'm going late. What's the date? No, it's still late, isn't it? It's still the first half of the year, just about. And it's from a guy called Rob, and Rob sent me some imperial leather, imperial lather, as my dad called it,

but with the sticker on. So, you know, I was struggling to get that, so that it forms its own plinth, is the thing. So I was right. Someday my plinth will come. And he also sent us some personalised ID. Yeah? Yes.

I've got a Gotham Police Department Have you? Yeah. I've got International Women of Mystery identification card. Fabulous. I've got Top Gun fighter pilot training. He's put a bit of work into these. Fabulous. I've got Top Gun fighter pilot training. He's put a bit of work into these. He sent me food as well.

He sent you ginger kisses. Who's that to? It's to you, isn't it? I think it's to me. Reminds me of when I went backstage at that Simply Red. I think it was just kisses you got. Another story. And he also says,

can Alan explain the chess joke from his appearance and have I got news for you in Australia I don't think I can you look something out of the 70s can you believe speak to people in Australia you call at 6 o'clock on a Sunday evening it's absolutely amazing

Busby it's cheaper and also Ben sent me a caricature of me as Perkins from Doctor Who. Oh, that's nice. Oh, that's nice. Thank you very much for that. Isn't it lovely? You've got a lot of portraits you've done.

Oh, I love the portraits. A caricature of painting. I think it was Nogget who told me there is a Frank Skinner radio show Facebook page now. Is there? No. Yes, but guess what the avatar is? It's a little picture of you as Perkins. I think that's a bit cross-pollination.

I'm alright with that. I'm sure you are, it's just you. What about us? There's three of us here. Yeah. Yeah, you know, but behind every great man. Oh, yeah. Speaking of which, it's about time we had some set blatter news. Set blatter news?

Has there been any? There'll be no blatter bashing on this show. No. He stood down, didn't he? He stood down and they stood up. Yeah. They gave him a ten minute long standing ovation. Yeah.

The staff. The staff at FIFA. He must be all right. What's the staff? Oh, I knew you were going to go down this road. If I left here, would you give me a ten-minute standing ovation? Eleven. I think we'd give you an eleven.

Very popular boss you are. I'd be happy if I got a, all right. No, he might be, you know, whatever else. And can I say there is nothing established at all about SB. But he must be a popular boss. Well, you say that, but you went positively Churchillian last week on this show. You were all over Twitter. What did you say about England?

You said you'd be more proud if they pulled out of the World Cup than if they won it, I believe. Yes, I do think that. But that's only if corruption is established. Sepp might come out of this completely squeaky clean. I'm calling him Sepp now. OK. Seppo.

How's your watch? Who's your favourite FIFA corruption inquiry pin-up, though? Because mine is Jack Warner. Oh, really? I say Inquiry. Don't worry, everyone. You see, my problem with Jack Warner is that he's got the same name as the man who played Dixon at Dock Green. So every time he comes on, I want him to say,

Evil. And he never does. Yeah. Also, I remember the intro to Dixon at Dock Green when Jack Warner once said, You know, there's nothing worse than a bent copper. And it's coincidence, possibly. I like that Blazer fella.

He's got a good name, hasn't he? The Blazer fella. Oh, Chuck Blazer? Chuck Blazer. He can talk till he's blue in the face. But anyway, can I just say, before we go into music, that Jack Warner was also a musical star, and he had a catchphrase, which is one of my all-time favourites.

What was that? Mind my bike. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. If you get a ten-minute stand in a version, how long before you run out of facial expressions? Ten seconds? It's tough, isn't it, to keep that going?

That's why the photographs he's doing, that thing where he's clenching his hands and sort of... Yeah, but try doing that for ten minutes. No, but that is his gesture. God, I must have been so bored. I think they were all bored. Doing anything for longer than... As long as ten minutes is too much of anything, isn't it? Thank you. Welcome to the show. Why do you say that? He says on a three-hour-long radio show.

Exactly. What about the chief executive of the Irish FA? I believe he's called John Delaney or something. He said that Sepp had... Oh, you can talk. Mr It Cost About I Don't Know. He said that Sepp had once stared at his girlfriend for seven or eight seconds.

This was in all the papers. Seven or eight seconds? And Sepp apparently said... She had just broken wind with alarming ferocity. Yeah. And Sepp then said, I approve. And John said, I had to ask him to move on. Move on. I bet he said, jog on. Jog on. I had to ask him to move on. Move on.

I bet he said, jog on. Jog on. Jog on, pal. What do you make of that? She might have just said, I've just bought the complete works of John le Carré. He was a little startled. Then he thought about it and said, I approve. And why do people always look for the bad in Sep?

If someone stared at your calf for seven or eight seconds, would you ask them to move on? I don't think I'd ask them to move on. It's a bit... Come on, nothing to see here. What did she have... It's a bit, I'd like to thank the police. Yeah, did she have yellow tape around her? People in Ivy's jackets. And why is he timing it?

Like, if somebody looked at my wife, I don't think I'd go, hang on, stop, watch time, click. I should think he looked at every woman in the office during that ten-minute ovation watch time, click. I should think he looked at every woman in the office during that ten minute ovation. What's the etiquette on checking emails during a standing ovation? Would that be frowned upon,

do you think? They're clapping though, aren't they? It's too much. I mean, that's like a cardio workout, all that standing and clapping. I find it exhausting. Have you ever been to a classical concert? Er, no. Or, maybe, yeah. Oh, do they applaud a lot, yeah. At the end... Oh, do they applaud a lot, do they?

Oh, I'll tell you after this. Oh, yeah. It's monstrous. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, you know we were talking about things we've thrown away. Oh, yes. Caroline, or Caroline, I do apologise,

has tweeted us to say a guitar strap signed by the Who. My sister met them, she gave it to me. I was a kid, I got bored and I put it in the bin. I like how I got bored. Exactly. I was thinking of some accidental thing with someone. No, I'm fed up with the Who now. Fed up with their stupid

straps. I had a mate who said that his wife had chucked some rare trainers that he really liked to wear and he went, why have you thrown them away? And she said, oh, they were really battered. It was like they're old school proper. But would they be worth it?

Even if you've worn them? Not a lot of money but some. I've got some wooden ones. Oh, have you? Yeah, Nike ones they're called. Oh, yeah, nice. They're more of a clog. Yeah, the Nike? Yeah, Nike ones, they're called. Oh, yeah, nice. They're clogs. They're more of a clog. Yeah, the night clog.

That's how they started, isn't it? Everyone knows that. My mum threw away a light ale bottle that Ray Davis had handed me from the stage at Birmingham Town Hall. I was a bit gutted about that. Oh, no. So if you're listening, Ray. So I was talking about applause at classical music. Oh, yes.

Yes, it really goes on. You described it as monstrous, can I remind you? Actually, you have to pace yourself. So you have to clap any more than that. Honestly, by the time the conductors come out for the third time, the woodwind have stood up for their bit. I've looked at my hands, and they obviously look like they've like i've been uh clutching an unclad boiler oh and i haven't done that for a few years hey um honestly really you've

been writing a document on an apple mac one yeah but like, my hands burning, and then they, still, and then the violinist stand up. Oh. Oh. What's that? I just wish people had all together, they go one, two, three, everyone goes, good! And then you just go. Oh, really good.

I feel similarly when I go and see a friend doing a gig, I've got to be honest. With you two, I want you to hear me laughing and clapping. Right. Yeah, I'm all right, but at the end, I mean, clapping, that's a common. You must love an ovation, you two, I want you to hear me laughing and clapping. Right. Yeah, I'm all right, but at the end, I mean, clapping... You must love an ovation, you two. I've never had one. Never had a standing ovation. I don't want one. Well, you deserve one.

I think they're unlike... I think they're always a bit rubbish. I think the only time I've had a standing ovation is when I dropped a tray with my dinner and pudding and a glass of water in the school dinner hall. tray with my dinner and pudding and a glass of water in the school dinner hall. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I've had a text from my friend, you know my friend Scouse Tony? Oh yes. He's got the story of pop. Ah. He sent me a picture of it. Bound. Hashtag winter of discontent. Er, yes. He's got the story of pop. Ah. He sent me a picture of it. Bound. Hashtag winter of discontent.

Uh, yes, bound. Lovely graphics. Is that when that... He says it's brilliant, major part of his education. Me too. Oh, that's cool. Really good. I thought the joy of sex was yours. Yeah, I didn't like the beard. LAUGHTER I, uh, I had a flashback to

an awkward round of applause that I got when you said your dropped tray story before the end of that link Anyone who dropped their tray in the school dinner hall Best reaction of my life I'm shuddering even as I remember this When I was 15 I had a milk round

and I think I was like 2 or 3 days in and you know you have to go to like a big farm where all the milk is kept. No, I don't actually. You didn't have a milk round. Funnily enough, I didn't do that. You had to go and get all the milk

and you had to take back the empties from the day before kind of thing and you know those sort of, like a trolley with two metal wheels at the bottom shaped like a big L. So I had like six or eight crates You're talking about a sack truck No, I think it's called something else

Anyway, carry on I had six or eight empty milk bottle crates, so full each one full of milk bottles and I'm wheeling it through this farm where all of the milk rounds guys are all gathered. Oh.

And I knocked it off, didn't I? And the whole thing went down, just smashed. So, you know, six lots of 32 milk bottles smashed everywhere. And they all stopped loading their vans. Hooray! And I'm standing there at 15, three days into the new job, just being clapped by everybody in what felt like everybody in West Yorkshire's milk community. Oh, I'm shuddering even now.

My equivalent... Sorry, Frank. I just think it's interesting to use a popular phrase on this show, Venn diagram. Yes. A round of applause includes that and stepping down as president of FIFA. And when a dog ripped off my skirt. Oh, yes, of course.

One of my favourite Emily Dean stories ever. Dog ripped off my skirt. If that isn't the title of your memoir, I want to know why. Anyway, thank you so much for listening this morning. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.