The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Ashtray Cloggs

Episode Date: May 21, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by Emily and Alun, not only do they discuss who should be the next Bond but Alun has a spare shoe and needs help deciding what to do with it. The team also chat diomonds, Pharrell Williams and privacy blankets.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our show on 8 12 15, follow our show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Lost a bit of confidence towards the end, but I think we got through it. No, as you're reading that again, you used to just barrel through it for a couple of shows, the way you were just... Easy, easy with the self-analysis.

I've lost a bit of self-analysis. No, I'm analysing him. I've generally lost a bit of confidence. Oh. Have you? What was that then? It's a number of difficult things in my life. What's going on? Anyway, so, um...

We missed out on the odd fever. This feels like it could be a long three hours, doesn't it? A couple of difficult things in my life in the first 30 seconds. Sorry, I'm moving on. I, um, I... I've told you before, haven't I, that I sleep with a notebook at my side. Have you? Do you guys do that?

No. Just in case you have a brilliant idea in the night. I think I used to do that. And then, like, I would dream some stand-up and wake up and, like, find the word, like, salad and chocolate or something. And I've obviously dreamt some terrible stand-up routine where I put chocolate in salad.

But it makes no sense the next day, does it? I dreamt virtually a one-man show once. Oh, good, are we going to talk about our dreams? Oh, I like that. I want to talk about a particular dream because... Is there a shark with bubble gum? Because I know talking about dreams is... More boring than talking about problems.

...punishable by a lethal injection yes I think I have had not a joke dream but I've had a dream which led me towards an invention and it's fashion based oh

I'm all ears Frank even if a dream, you know talking about your dreams people must have dreamt things where they woke up the next morning it's actually that is a good idea yeah the best the only real joke one and i never i tried it and it failed was i dreamt that there was i somewhere in my dream the thing happened that there was a band called um docostrils. And the joke was that they were always top of the bill. But I tried it a couple of times,

got nothing. I mean, that's the best it's ever gone. Is it alright in here, I thought? Did you try that out? But I wrote it down. I woke up and Doc's Nostrils was written at the side of my bed. I mean, imagine if I died in the night. What would my friends and family have made of that? Well, he left a note, but

it was cryptic, to say the least. So I had a dream that I... I'm not Martin Luther. I was wearing a jacket, which everyone was saying, that's a fantastic idea, and there was no pockets on it. What I'd done is I'd taken my belongings that I'd normally put in a jacket, you know, handkerchief, keys, Vic inhaler, jeweller's eyepiece,

which in the old days I used to use as part of my lovemaking ceremony. Did you? Don't use that word. That's repulsive. What ceremony? Absolutely repulsive. We don't stand on ceremony here. And in the dream... It's returning.

So I was wearing a jacket, and all the belongings that I normally put in my pockets were stuck to the outside of the jacket with duct tape. Very good. Is it duck or docked? I think it's... Is it duck as in that well-known band? Top of the bill.

Duck's Nostrils. I think it's both now. Is it duckt with a T? I think it's officially duckt with a T, but I think there is a brand of duck as in quack quack. What, so someone celebrated the mispronunciation? Yeah, yeah, yeah. People capitalise on all sorts of things like that, don't they?

Soon people will be building houses with shingles on the top. It's radio. I know, but I just think there's something of the chic convict about you and I like it. That's the look I'm going for, chic convict. It's very in this SW summer winter.

A man who used to work next to my girlfriend at work wrote down all the ailments that she claimed during the course of their working together and presented it to her when she left. A great volume of hypochondria. One of which was headache caused by wearing stripy dress. So be careful.

I will. I'll let you know. There's a duct tape. Yeah, so all my stuff, keys and everything, were all on the outside, just rough. And people were saying to me, that is a really fantastic idea. What do you think about it? Sorry, when you say people,

you're saying that to me. People in my dream. In the dream, yeah. That was a good idea. Even in a dream. Yeah. But, I don't know, it's the sort of thing I could imagine

an avant-garde fashion designer listening to this thinking, you know what? Yeah. That's a fantastic idea. Yeah, they've done safety pins, why not? Philip Salon, is that his name? Yes.

I could imagine him going duct tape belongings. Was the duct tape, was it neat or was it... No, it was, that's the whole idea. It was a bit jagged at the edges, like it might have been assisted by teeth intervention. OK. You know, I thought you'd all be saying that's a fantastic idea. It hasn't gone at all like I thought it would.

I'm just curious as to what sort of reception you're expecting. My only worry was money. You couldn't have, like, a wad of notes. I just stuck to your jacket sleeve. No, you couldn't do that. You'd have to have them somewhere else and have maybe counterfeits on the outside. Yeah. Even the keys are a bit of a worry as well.

You think? Yeah. Yeah. What about the contents of a wallet? What about the other contents? You can't have that stuff on display. This is like the worst project meeting I've ever had. What about your phone?

I mean was this, did this dream happen? No, no, that would be there. What, with the duct tape? Yeah. ever had. What about your phone? I mean, was this... No, no, that would be there. What, with the duct tape? Yeah. You could tape that to your ear. No, no. Just have it permanently taped. No, because I don't...

What about your oyster card? You could put the tape right round your head like Terry Butcher. Oyster card would all be fine. I don't... Credit cards? Get the oyster card to your hand. It's this sort of, you know, when... This is why Columbus died in poverty.

All that stuff. Oh, I wouldn't bother. I think he is... Probably he's flat. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I wouldn't mind doing another in our series, The Past.

Oh, yeah. In which I talk about the past and see if things are still continuing into the present. As I pointed out last week, you are, in your own way, the voice of history. I am the voice of history. I was watching something the other day and i saw one of the i saw a phenomenon when i thought oh does that still happen it wasn't really it wasn't very old footage but i associate it with the past and it was it was somebody doing that short but um tense walk from the um the police van to the courthouse with the privacy blanket over their head. Oh, do you know, I love a privacy blanket.

Does it still continue, that? I wonder if it's just pointless now in the world of the social media. I wonder if they're just going, oh, this is coming out eventually. Well, people tend to wear the hoodie now. I'd put a hoodie on if I was convicted of a crime. Oh crime oh no i'd rather have a privacy blanket than a hoodie at my age um i i it's it's i'd like to think it continues it's very ad hoc though when you first see it you think oh they've just thought oh we need to cover him up and there just happened to be a

blanket in there then when was grey, Frank. Yeah, when you saw it, well, it was black and white for the first 20 years. Imagine the amount of brill cream it had on it, that one. Oh, yeah. Because those 50s murderers, they were copious with their hair product. They went at it with brill cream. They were meticulous. They were.

But I thought, it looks as if it was, oh, we'll put that blanket over him but then clearly that they kept a blanket specially for that purpose was it in the back of the mariah which is a word you don't often hear in the black mariah and they would say get the privacy blanket

and there's even a way you don't just put it over your head like when you're under the bedspread and you sit up you have to hold your hand you get the gray prison blanket out but you have to slightly hold your hand so it sort of looks like a hovering cloud i suppose there was more dog excrement in those days so you have to have to look where you were stepping even in that even in that one of the most difficult moments of your life. Yeah. Nobody wants to step in dog eggs from it. It's that extra 1% to a tragedy.

They can push a murderer over the edge. Maybe into a rash confession or something. Exactly. Similar. And I've really got, if there's any police people or court officials Or 1950s murderers. Yeah, there might be one or two. There could be a few baddies listening to this that might have the voice murderers. There might be one or two.

There could be a few baddies listening to this that might have the voice of experience. There could be people who know what a privacy blanket looks like from the inside. Yes. I don't know if we want to encourage them. I mean, I would. If I ever get involved in a very heavy

duty crime, I'm going to insist on a beekeeper's hat. That'd be great, wouldn't it? Because there's a little... It's tantalising. There's a hint of the features. Yes! But I don't know if it's really come out in a photograph.

Yeah. So you just think, oh, nearly there. I'd go Wedding Vale, I think. Wedding Vale for me. I think just... Or would you? Just because you're a murderer, never lose an element of tease. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were discussing before people that go into jail or court wearing the... The privacy blanket. The privacy blanket. The privacy blanket. I nearly called it a security blanket then, which I suppose, in a way, it is. And I feel confident we're the only breakfast show currently doing that right now.

I dated someone who always carried a security blanket. Did you? Did you? Not a privacy blanket, can I point that out? No. Yeah? Yeah, it was, you know, it would be, um, at our side. At the most personal of moments.

I'm waiting for the punchline, is this true? No, there is no punchline, it's just a dark smear from my past. I thought this was, no, really? Yeah. Anyway, moving on. Yeah, we've, uh, we've had a tech, I mooted the possibility that there might be some people. You mooted, get out. I'm sorry.

I mooted the possibility there might be some people that were baddies that listened to the show that had experienced the said blanket. Oh, good, I can be one of those moles. And 023 has texted, I did that walk and there was no blanket offered. No blanket? No blanket offered. Mind you, I was just magistrates.

I'll take that as a compliment. He says, mind you, I was just magistrates, which I think is a lingo for a lighter court, isn't it? If it's the other court. I love trying to distance himself from the underworld. Look, he's done his time. They continue.

I'm not saying it's he or she because it doesn't identify. No, we don't. They continue. No press watching, just leathery women smoking in tracksuits. I wasn't don't. They continue, no press watching, just leathery women smoking in tracksuits. I wasn't there. Tell you what, whoever this is, they've got to turn a phrase, and perhaps some kind of gritty novel might be the way to go. Well, for all we know, it could be John McVicar.

It could be Andy McNabb, for all we know. What if it's John Darwin, Canoe Man? I like to think that he was made to carry an upside down canoe with his head instead of a blanket. His head in the hole where the lower body normally goes. Walking like an enormous pickaxe walking into the courtroom.

Darwin! I don't think his crime was, I don't think he was forced to wear the blanket though, was he? Oh, Darwin? Yeah. Did he wear a blanket when he was arrested? Well, I hope not. He was pretty well identified, wasn't he?

Yeah, yeah. I, um... So this person, the next question, has anyone texted who's been in a police van and heard... LAUGHTER What about those people that bang on the side? Why did they do that? I know. I've always thought about those people that bang on the side? Why do they do that? I've always thought about those people.

I can never side with the people that bang on the police. I know often the people in the police van have done wrong things. But often they haven't been actually sent... They haven't been found guilty. I was still reeling from from they've done wrong things but also those feet i'm always reminded of the foolish villagers in beauty and the beast yes they turn on the beast he's actually all right they turn on that beast like a sixpence frank yeah and and yeah and all that stuff oh you know and all that get the beef you think just

think about what you're doing. Yeah. At some point, they should say, I don't want to be a foolish villager. That's what they should say. He didn't need a big blanket,

the beast. Well, you better get the king size out. Yeah. Don't go there with that cushion cover. I mean, you've got to cover the beast.

It'll need a lot of coverage. I must cover the beast. I'll be back in an hour. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye of coverage. I must cover the beast. I'll be back in an hour. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. What about the neighbour saying

I'm going down to the I think I might go down to the saying i'm going down to the uh i think i might go down to the courtroom tomorrow i shout at the eq a bit of van banging fancy comments i mean this is what i want to know about these people these bangers well they must they have to do they plan it as a day out i think they do yeah you think they've got refreshments and stuff so yeah they must know in advance that they're planning on doing this. It's premeditated. Yeah, there's a prep by the courtroom. We'll be all right.

Going to have a wait a bit, do some shouting, do the blanket shout, bang on the van, and then we can, you know, have a coffee. And one of them, I like them wraps. Have you had them wraps? No? No, I don't fancy them. No, no, they're all right.

I like the idea that they're just daily bangers. They're totally non... They don't discriminate. They don't mind who it is. I think the same people, if friends invite them just for a coffee, they're like, what, no banging? Straight to prop and bang.

I don't know how often these things happen. I mean, I don't know how often people are led in and out of... Well, Lee has tweeted us to say the privacy blanket was decommissioned. Well, all he says, actually, he says, no, it was decommissioned in 1987 due to the student revolt. Sad times. Well, that's a bit of an image you could be talking about.

We don't know. There must have been lots of things decommissioned in 1987. What else was decommissioned in 1987? Decommissioned. Yeah, decommissioned in 1987. What else was decommissioned in 1987? Decommissioned. Yeah, decommissioned, I said that. Colonel Abraham's? Colonel Abraham's, who's that? He sung Trapped, appropriately.

What about Father Abraham, who sang... You sat next to him in The Brits. Father Abraham? Oh. No, you sat next to some man. Where are you all coming from? Yes, but where are you all going? Oh.

Has any murder ever thought, you know what? Now I hear that, I realise I need to rethink how I live my life. You can read all the books, but it took that. Anyway. So, I'm on the train. I've looked up. Yes. Oh, yeah. I was on the train the other day,

and when I sat, there was a woman sitting next to me. But it wasn't a very busy train. It just happened that we happened to be... It was in first class. Lovely. And she's sitting next to me and then um the guard person came down and said there's quite a lot of empty on book seats today so if anybody wants to move out get a bit more space um it's fine so this woman um got up to move and i said well you know i take that as a personal slight oh you said that to her face light-hearted lovely just some introductory bants from frank

there and she said yeah sorry about that i said it's okay i've been not that before and then i thought oh that's a bit flirty yeah i thought that accidentally sounded flirty anyway she walked off she actually went to another carriage and then they had the double whammy if i hadn't been flirty but i did feel i'd been rejected by someone who thought i had been flirty yeah and it really it yeah did you go for a second flirt just to double check that it wasn't a full on rejection no but i did think, you know... I think you come out of that very well, though. Why?

Because it just says you're not a filthy creep. I know, but that woman might have thought I was one. That's my problem. She just thought you were a bad one, you mean? Yeah. Well, I mean, I was doing her a reasonably sized favour, in my opinion. And it's nagged at me. I didn't give her what we used to call the glad eye. Which is a fab...

When you think about it... I love the glad eye. It's a poetic phrase, isn't it? Because it's not something you derive out... If you had a meeting about what you were going to call that flirtatious look, it wouldn't be the first suggestion, would it, the gladi? No. So somebody's gone the extra mile. I love it when people do that.

You were just going for a nice, sort of harmless... It's to make the day go quicker. I do it all the time. I thought it was Bantz. That's all I thought it was. Harmless Bantz. Next thing I know... LAUGHTER Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, there's been some slightly shocking news this week, boys. Daniela Craig has announced that he's turned down 68 million, I believe. It sounds like a lot doesn't it to be

the new bond it does sound like a lot the new bomb it sounds like a lot but again once you do the new bond i meant what well i think it's two that's for two films that's 68 million oh is that what your cleaner told you that was the problem later frank used to have a share of cleaner with Daniela Craig, and then Daniela Craig stole the cleaner. Is that correct? Well, what happened was she used to clean for Rachel Weisz. He's talking about the cleaner now and not Daniela Craig.

Yeah. She cleaned for Rachel Weisz, and then when Daniel moved in, obviously it got messier. And so they needed extra hours, and I was the fall guy. No, I was actually the fall guy. He was fond and you were the fall guy. Yeah, he won that battle. Yeah, so she might come back now,

because he hasn't got quite the kudos, now he's not JB anymore. That's true. But that 68 million is for two films for a start-off. That's right. And once you take tax and ageing commission out, what's he going to get? Don't take the glamour away.

27 million. You think it's 27 after X's? So then it's 27 million for two films suddenly. Is that what it is? Do you want to get up for that? No. I heard that he would have stayed on for one more film, which you'd think would have been, like, 34 million,

but apparently the deal that they were offering was that it was 100 quid for the first one and 67,900,900 pounds for the second one. I wonder if he said, he's done, pure and simple. Those were the words. He's done pure and simple. Those were the words. He's done pure and simple? What, the fabric softener?

No, the hearsay song. He's done a cover version of the hearsay song. How good would that be if he just suddenly started doing novelty covers? The annoying thing is I bet he can sing, Daniel Cray. But if he just decided I'm not Bond anymore, I'm going to do hearsay is pure and simple, I'm going to do Fog on the Tyne from Paul Gascoigne's... I think he's an all-rounder.

He'll do Hallelujah. He'll do all X Factor and Pop Idol winner covers. That's his theme. He could be an all-rounder as well. He might do a bit of cricket. Evergreen. Yeah. Oh, I love that one.

Yes. All we've got so far is to say that. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank say that. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, he's done four of these films. You don't want to get into a James Bond rot in your life.

I think he hurt his knee on one of them as well. I don't know about that. Oh, if he hurt his knee. I think it's difficult for him to keep the weight off and the muscles on with a bad knee. He said he had knee problems and general exhaustion, which I thought, that's not why Bond retires. That sounds a bit like Red Rum. That's why he retires.

Yeah. Knee problems and general exhaustion. I'm ready for glue. Is he going to be like Red Rum? Is he just going to do personal appearances? Oh, Frank, what about those glory days we loved when horses were celebrities? You know, I did a corporate with Red Rom. I did.

Worked with them all, spent it for years. Did he say, we'll drive south? Which, in a way, he would have. Yeah, I arrived on him. Arrived is the term I use. I, um... No, I, uh... arrived is the term i use i um no i uh he had to be they had a special plastic carpeting down in the hall so that he could be led in are you sure that wasn't for david baddiel no so we were in quite a nice hotel there's a horse in the room and people got photographed with him oh lovely

and then they took him out and then... What? It's difficult when you hire an incontinent celebrity though, isn't it? Yes. Well, I've got all that to face, of course. But then I lined up and they took the photos up with me and I said, I'm doing stand-up. And they said, well, you might

as well. But they just wanted a photo so me and the horse had both been reduced to just meat. Good night. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've received a text saying, I mean, it seems a long time ago that we were chatting about this. Hi, Frank Allen and the

DME. Divine Miss M. I'm glad DC, that's Daniel Craig, is not Bond anymore. I couldn't take him seriously in his tight suit. He reminds me of Norman Wisdom. Long time reader. I said I lookdom, a long-time reader. I said I look better in a suit than Daniel Craig. Somewhat controversially.

You did, a little. Because thin men, they look better than very, very muscular men. And you can't get round the PG Tips element of a muscular man in a tight suit. Yes. Copper tea, Mr Shifter. Have a have a Vogue cup of...

I think it's also because there's been a recent Vogue for the Dior style slim fit suit on the man. Yeah, but it's given Daniel Craig has taken a sort of Alexei Sale type look. Are you suggesting there's an element of a low John Gott

new motor? In Skyfall it was a John got an old motor. Didn't the old DB5 come out again? I don't like those James Bond cars. They just look old fashioned like Coronation Street cars. You should be saying this now, you're a motoring correspondent. Oh yeah, that's true.

Thanks for that reminder. No offence to any of my sponsors. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I get that's true. Thanks for that reminder. It's all right. No offence to any of my sponsors. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I get that it's... He did go pretty far in terms of him saying he wasn't going to return to the role. Didn't he say he'd rather slash his wrists? He did. Yes, he did.

Seems extreme. Shouldn't have said that. Can we say that anyone at home who's thinking of slashing their wrists, don't do it. Can we not even say that? Got it. OK, let's not even say that. I think it's live. It is live. Now, what about when the bookie's, Frank? Geoff, is it live?

It is live, apparently. Frank, why? Well, he said it. Why didn't he get shot down on Twitter for saying such a thing? OK. I suppose if he's playing Bond, he's less scared of being shot down on Twitter, because he's used to being shot down.

Yeah, well, he's plain. Plain is the key word in that sentence. It's almost like you've got some axe to grind. Like, he stole your cleaner. Yeah. Look, I was really starting to get into him. The first two films... Calm down, dear.

I thought he was just some pretty fool. Well, we went together. Did you? Yeah, we saw... Was it Spectre we saw, Frank? We did, yeah. Yeah, and there was that big shootout. Spectre to Rector! Frank kept saying that throughout.

That was embarrassing. It was very tempting not to say that. What about when there was that massive shootout and the woman in the Swiss Scottish Odeon next to me went, oh, I like that sofa. Nice. Well, that's not the point. No. But he was good. I liked the last two. I won't go as far as I'll miss him, but I think he did a good job.

Respect, Armando. Now, the bookies have got busy, as they always do, and they're so certain that Tom Hiddleston's going to get the call that they've called off bets. They seem very sure. I thought he was a comic until yesterday. No, that's Tom Wigglesworth, isn't it? He's a good actor.

Is he called Tom Wigglesworth, isn't it? He's a good actor. Is he called Tom Wigglesworth? I was absolutely convinced that Tom Hiddleston was Tom Wigglesworth. No, I don't think he's going to... Tom Wigglesworth did that show about getting a train ticket. I saw him just last week, and he didn't even mention that he was about to be playing Bond. And I thought he was great, but I found it poignant that he only wore one jacket throughout the whole of Edinburgh.

Yeah, well... And the the whole of Edinburgh. Yeah. And the same military coat on. Yeah, that would rule you out of Bond, because there's a lot of costume changes in that. They put Tom Hiddleston on one to two. Now, I've never understood odds in my whole life. They stopped betting on him. It said one to two. What does that mean?

One dash two. Two to one on. Oh, that makes sense. What? Well, let me explain. I haven't finished yet. Go on, then. Oh, that makes sense. What?

I haven't finished yet. Go on, then. It means if you really, really thought he would win, if you put 200 quid on it, you'd win 100 quid back. Why? Only a fool would do that. Because they would then return your state, remember, your initial state, so you get 300 quid. That's not the end of the world.

Oh, that sounds all right. I think I need to establish who he is before I have any money on me. He was recently in, is it High Rise, the movie? He was in The Night Manager. I haven't seen that as television, I'm more of an arthouse film kind of guy. I was a bit corn for middle-class people. My choice would be, you know that James Renford? James Renford?

No, you mean James Norton. No, James Renford. Is that a guy that lives on your street or something? He was in Bright Burning, he was in Bright Burning. Did you see that? What's this? You've totally made these up. He was made up!

This is such a major... Bright Burning! Come on, you know him. He was the boyfriend in Restitution. Such a major... Oh, my God! This is what I hear when people talk to me about actors. All I hear is words and names like that.

They mean nothing to me. But I want to see all those things now. Yeah, I think... I've got it that I missed out on the first series of Restitution. Bright Burning, the first series was amazing. Second series, I don't know. Peated out a bit. Yeah.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'd have liked Daniel Craig to have just done two more for the money, but be blatantly not that bothered about being a very good James Bond. That would have been awkward, wouldn't it? As Emily would say, just pull the ripcord. If Bond was suddenly like this fat guy. Maybe an earring.

I wonder if it's in his contract, if there's an upper weight limit. So you can't do that. Because they must have to have some safeguards. Well, I suppose he could get around that by going the other way. Just go lower weight limit and suddenly all Bond's old suits don't fit him. Like, Bond's lost a lot of weight. Is he, is he here, is he here? No, but a, a, a clinically obese Bond would be fantastic. Double X7. I would love that. That would be so fantastic. And the women just going, um, what happened to you?

Let yourself go, James. Well, 27 million take-home pay. Do you think I spent it on? Sweets. Ricky, it's over the course of two films, not one. I mean, he said sock then, because that's what we used to call sweets when I was a kid. No, was it?

You can't say it anymore. Yeah. I'll get you some sock on the way back. So people are saying, Frank, that Tom Rigglesworth has already met with... No, Hiddleston. Hiddleston. ...Broccoli and Mendez. Really?

Mm. And, uh... I think we'd know that, wouldn't we? Wouldn't it be like when Ashley Cole met with, um... Yes. ...met with people from... I think you're right. ...Unchestia United or whatever.

Poldark's in the running. I don't like the idea of Poledark getting it. I've never seen Poledark, but the only thing I know about that guy is that he had, like, a shaved chest and he was in photographs with a scythe, wasn't he? Didn't he? That's what he shaved it with. Yeah. No, that was, uh, death.

Oh, yeah. That was a death. Yeah. Poledark death. Yeah, see, I don't want death playing Bond. I'd rather... It's because you've got death. If he's going to have a side, I think he should be a baddie.

You've got mixed up dark and pole, you know, one of them poles that people die next to. Very easily confused. It's good I've got you guys to keep me on track. Other candidates. Damien Lewis. Uh-huh. Again, no idea.

You do know him. I don't. Who is that? I thought that was a motor racing driver i'm not joking he's right red hair man well someone's yeah yeah someone said no one will accept it i don't know him but i like the cut of his jib well so do i well he's described i've read a few of the bond books which i must say i really like oh really and um he's supposed to look like hoagie carmichael restitution i know everybody everybody tuned into the show reached for a phone for google images hoagie carmichael

got very black hair slight long fat he's got a sort of a young kevin spacey look to him hoagie carmichael right maybe they should use key. Well, he's a bit old now. You think? And also, I'm one of... Oh, oh, seven. I, um... Christian Bale. He would have been a great Bond, I think, wouldn't he?

I don't see... I don't think you have to be Mr. Muscular. No, I agree. He's sort of clever. I mean, the scene that sticks in my mind from the first one I read was him sitting naked on a chair with the bottom took out of it and a man whipping him with a cane across his... You know we're on Breakfast Radio, don't you?

Yes, dot, dot, dot. That was one of the scenes. So it was a vulnerability to Bond. Yeah. Which... You know who else got a mention was Chris Evans. Mm-hmm. Hello?

No, Captain America. Oh, okay. He's going to be busy. And Tom... Could bring his own sports cars, though, if it was Chris Evans, couldn't he? Tom Hardy. Tom Hardy's been in the running. Too big.

What does he look like in a suit? Oh, yeah. Like a Doric Collum in a suit, I would imagine. Yeah, if he was in a suit, it'd be like rugby player on Cup Final Day, you know, that sort of... Yeah. Cumberbatch? Cumberbatch?

You say Tom Hardy, I say Tom Harder. Yeah. Yeah. Cumberbatch? Well, I know him. Okay. He's good. He is good.

Yeah. Vulnerable. Is he vulnerable? He's got the vulnerable look, don't you think? What about James Norton? He was on your portrait show. Too young. Don't know him.

Christian Bale, too angry. Christian Bale. Idris Elba's getting talked about. Oh, anyway, this is just, to me, these are just names. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I mean, that is what they are. I know Idris Elba, but it does make me think of the ginger beer. Do you remember that, Idris?

Oh, it was lovely. It was the best. Is that what it was called? What's that? They did a nice shandy as well. Don't know what you're talking about. Because I can't have a shandy anymore. Idris, it was a soft drinks company.

Oh, right. I imagine it's long gone, but who knows? Um, yes, well, anyway, it'll be one of those people. Almost certainly. Hello? Yeah, it might. We're not disputing that. It just might.

Yes. What about Craig Revel Horwood? What about Daniel Craig Revel Horwood? What have they got to be called Craig? I predict it'll be one of those actors that's posh and good-looking. Do you think? You know, those sort of actors you get. I think that'll be one of those actors that's posh and good-looking. Do you think? You know, those sort of actors you get.

I think that's fine, though, because they can't have, like, you or I as an accent on Bond, can they? You can't have Birmingham Bond, Frank. No. Why not? No, no, no. All the main roles... You don't get a Birmingham Spies.

Of course you do. No, you don't. You can't. Or going to Broad Street. You're not going to get the MI5 in Broad Street. Yeah. Well, there must be spies with regional accents. There must, but not for television.

Can any spies in Birmingham text in 8-12-15? We won't out you. We've already had somebody who was under a blanket. I genuinely want to know if anyone's heard of a spy from Birmingham. Of course there are spies from... Well... The regional... Let's see... I don't know what Bond's background is.

Wasn't he... You're not meant to. Now, in the last film, wasn't he adopted by a supervillain? He was, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Spoiler alert for anyone that hasn't seen that. Oh, yeah, sorry. I mean, catch up.

Also, it's not a crew short. It's sort of ignored. It is a bit, yeah., it's not a crucial. It's sort of ignored. It is a bit. It's exposed as a plot. It's a plot fault. I've identified a plot fault. I'm just waiting to hear from the Birmingham spies. Well, they're one of the best ice hockey teams I've ever seen. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 246 has texted, I was a spy, fact, and I'm from Birmingham, further fact. No. And then he adds, or she adds in brackets, actually, Solihull, full disclosure. Ah. I just wonder about that. Why? I mean, do you think they were a good spy if they're texting a commercial radio show telling us... I know, but they're talking about the old days.

It's like that spycatcher book, you know, once you've retired, you're allowed. You're allowed. I think Stella Rimmington, she brought her book out and stuff. That's true, yeah. That's true. Could be her. It might be. Where's she from? We've had this other spy message. Did you see this, Al, from 681? Um,

no, I don't think so. In Leicester. In Leicester, also the Midlands. Hey, Mark Selby, he'd be a good James Bond. Yes. We had the first ever private detective, Frank. Kind of a spy. Yeah? On London Road in Leicester,

there is a series of small sculpture-type things of him in his various disguises on one of the buildings. Really? Hmm. It's Helen Poy. Well, that's... That's very... First ever private detective.

Yeah. That's some boast. What if there was another one and they just kept it private? What about Brother Cadfall? Whose style you've stolen, may I say, when you go for the hoodies? Yes, indeed. Oh, yeah, the Cadfall hoodie, something like that.

He was, uh... Actually, it's... And then there's the hunchback in those C.J. Sansom books. Name of the Rose, he's been going a bit, that one. Yeah, they've been around for ages, the private dicks, as they used to be called. I'm going to change the subject. So I've got a clothing dilemma, and, um...

I noticed, I wasn't going to bring you up. No, no, not today with what I'm wearing. But I've had a... I mean, as has been covered on this show in the past, I am apparently careful with the pennies and pounds. Yes. I had a heartbreaking episode recently.

I lost a shoe. I think in a hotel. But you know when you wear black shoes? You know when you have to wear black? What do you mean? I don't like this story. It's sleazy. Well, you know I do quite a hotel. But you know when you wear black shoes? You know when you have to wear black? What do you mean? I don't like this story. It's sleazy. Well, you know I do quite a lot of black tie entertainment.

Oh, yes, of course. And you can't wear, like, you know, you can't wear a tuxedo and trainers. So I only wear black. Can if you work in PR. I wear black brogues. Yeah, exactly. But I'm not. I wear black brogues for that. And I got home and I could only

find one, and I assumed that it was somewhere else in the house, and it wasn't. So I've replaced a pair of... It's funny, when I did a cork put with red rum, he lost a shoe. Yeah, yeah. And he just got one, he just got one replaced. Yeah, yeah. But somebody else then had bad luck when they found it upside down,

didn't they? That's the problem. Lovely. We don't know that it was upside down all right yeah you're right so yeah okay so you've got it's and it's a new shoe the one it remains it's in good condition the one that remains is perfectly fine it's you know probably you know i would imagine it's been worn 10 or 20 times is it a dress shoe yeah it's a black brogue it's a simple black brogue but now i'm left with it in the house and in the spirit of the environment i don't like to throw away just a perfectly yes fine shoe what kind of a widowed shoe exactly and you know my wife is one of those people that uses you know found objects in a skip like oh there's an old

sink we could use that as a flower bed you know that sort of stuff oh that's good i'm thinking what can i do with this flower bed maybe i could could use the shoe as a flowerbed. Maybe I could have a little herb garden in there. Paint it white? This has all turned out rather fortuitous because I'm going to a ceremony this afternoon in which we're toppling a local statue of Saddam Hussein. Oh, perfect.

And I was thinking, what I would like to do is race forward and hit it with a shoe and I thought, you know, what am I going to do with the other one? And now, isn't it funny how things work out in life? You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps,

and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Cos this shoe dilemma that I've got, I think you know you've recently been obsessed with does that still happen type moments. It did occur to me does shoe shops still

have a row of single shoes outside? Oh yes. Does that still happen? I don't know about necessarily outside, but they certainly... They used to be on the pavement, though, didn't they? They used to be outside. I remember that. There would be a couple of shelves of just single...

I mean, back in those days, this would have been problem solved, wouldn't it? I could have just helped myself to... Do people wear odd shoes? You see people like... Self-styled colourful characters in odd socks. Do people wear odd shoes do they need to be the same i'm sure it's happened don't i haven't noticed it but it

could i mean it's the sort of thing somebody will do it yeah i think i did it accidentally once with two brown clerks but not i think richard i saw richard meesee do it you know the guy who was in um um blue astrid yeah blue remember it yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he was i love all these are they all on bbc one these he was the psycho in uh in medway oh yeah yeah the uh birmingham spy drama that's uh med, they're always a psycho, these people, aren't they? They're always, yeah. And that's their breakthrough role as a psycho. Not in our house. Well, when you say

single shoe and things, do they still do that? My first thought was, of course, the disciplining of children. But I don't think they do that anymore. Oh, Frank. I'm just saying, no, people don't do that anymore I was thinking I could fill it with concrete and use it as cruise control in the car for long journeys That's an excellent idea

I mean, I'll be honest, but my car's got cruise control, but I like to save it Like, you know, I don't want to use it if I don't have to What about a nice little bottle opener? Use the heel Yeah, you use the heel to open a bottle, can you? nice little bottle opener? Use the heel. Yeah, you use the heel to open a bottle, don't you? Can you do that? Yeah, spray it silver. Lovely.

All right. Use the heel. Et voila. What about a receptacle for shoelaces, nail varnish, another foot-based item? It's a feet. It's an ordinary concept. Who has a receptacle for shoe-based? No, no, but if you've got a shoe. Feet-based item. Yeah, that feet? It's an extraordinary concept. Who has a receptacle for shoe feet? No, no, but if you've got a shoe...

Feet-based item. Yeah, that'll throw up a cupboard, won't it? No, but anything foot-centric, you'd think, oh, that'll be in the shoe. That's a good idea. Corn callus cream, Frank? Do they do? Corn plasters?

Can you buy toe floss? Toe floss? Oh, yeah. You know, forgetting that. You know those bits of wedges of black you get between the toes? Oh. Forgetting those out. But, Frank, I'll tell you what you could.

That's a good idea. Have you ever seen the foam things we ladies put in between our toes when we're painting? Oh, yeah. Toe dividers. The end of that sentence was, I could see my whole career looming before me. I have seen those things, yes. They sort of separate the toes for varnishing purposes, yes.

The separators. Yeah, you can put those in the, what we'll now call the shoe. When you said shoelaces a minute ago, I thought of, you know, the sweets shoelaces, like the... I wouldn't put those in a shoe, even if you've only worn it 20 times. I was thinking I could rinse it out and have it on a coffee table as a sweet bowl. Yeah. Of course it was. Just some pick and mix in there.

It was a tradition to drink creme champagne from a lady's slipper not so long ago. Spending a lady, really. I mean, there's some I wouldn't want to do that. Fill up my brogue with real ale. It died out in the First World War because of the rise of trench foot. Geoff Owen has tweeted the show saying I use spare shoes as cup holders in my car. That is a good idea, isn't it?

Brilliant. I like these spare shoes that Geoff's got. Just had to think what's happened. Now I'm worried that then we've laughed that Geoff might be an amputee and the next text is going to be... I've had another text from a spy. I know that the ink's just disappeared.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had so many responses to what should Alan do with his single shoe. Yeah. You're rapping. For example, Adrian says fill with concrete and use as a novelty weight for holding a shed door or similar open. A doorstop.

Yeah. Indeed. That's a good idea. I like that. John Doe. Laced or unlaced? Is it a lace-up? It still has the lace, yeah.

So even that could be reused if I didn't use the whole shoe. Well, you could tie... If you lost that thing that looks like a pine cone on the bottom of a cuckoo clock... Yeah. You could get the weight, you could measure the weight exactly and secure it to the broken chain with a shoelace. That's a good point, yeah.

Melanie Mason, how about planting herbs in it? Hipsters would love it. That's the sort of thing that I'm definitely up for, yeah, because I'm part hipster. Laura says if he's got a solo sock, he could make a lovely bed for a rodent. I've done that a few times. Yeah.

Anyway, moving on. John Doe says a conversational ashtray. Love. What happened to the ashtray? Very old school. There'll be people, there'll be people on Implied a conversational ashtray? Love. What happened to the ashtray? Very old school. Do you remember... There'll be people, there'll be people unemployed

who are in the ashtray business listening to this. That will be like a punch in the stomach. Furious, yeah. Frank, do you remember the ones that were like stands? That was a very 70s thing.

Oh, yeah. The ones that you pressed on the top and two doors open like a hanging. Yeah. Rebecca in. But all those metal ones

and that from Pops, maybe you could reverse this process and turn those into footwear. Yeah. That's a nice idea. Yeah. That could go with the rest of my chain mail outfit, couldn't it? Exactly. That I don't currently wear.

Chain mail. I mean, you never see that anymore. Yeah. And also, you've got to think about it. If you make metal shoes out of old ashtrays that's gonna really slow you down at customs when you're going through the what i'm thinking of is to take our trainers off i'm just saying when you know you have to nip in the garden you know when it starts raining and you think all the washing's out yeah and your shoes are upstairs

by the front door oh yeah put the ashtray um the ashtray clogs on and go out in those. Oh, I love the ease with which you've just allowed them to enter your life. They're now just the ashtray clogs. And with those ones from the 60s, they'd be your high heels. Yes. Those ones on the stands. Yes. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Rebecca in Bradford has said, Hi guys, I run to work and take my clothes in a rucksack. That's it. No, it doesn't. I run to work and take my clothes in a rucksack. After showering and getting dressed, I realised I had odd shoes. One navy blue, one black. Taxi home to swap.

No. What, for one day? Just wear them. One navy blue, one black. Taxi home to swap. No. Should have ran it. What, for one day? Just wear them. Yeah, or go on barefoot. Or go... That guy, that guy, you know that guy in sales who you fancied for ages? Hmm. He probably would have said, hey, black and blue today. And you'd have said, yeah.

Oh, is he? Next thing you know. Where's he from? Sounds like somebody from Dempsey and M thing you know. Where's he from? Sounds like something of Dempsey and Mabee. He's like Lloyd Griffith. He's American. I've never met anyone in sales.

Say, on the hay. It's like a blue today. Has he got a weird Birmingham meets Wisconsin accent? Do you not know Dave Swift? No, but I want to hear more of him. I like him. I don't know why it's such a problem to wear odd shoes. I might start doing it myself. Yeah, but I want to hear more of him. I like him. I don't know why it's such a problem to wear

odd shoes. I might start doing it myself. Yeah, why not? Yeah. People are so straight laced. Straight laced. Or straight elasticated. You were talking last week, no I'm sorry, you were talking last week about putting a Superman

outfit on. I advise not to do that in a dentist's waiting room. Yeah. Because people might question your... I think it was Batman, wasn't it? Oh, Batman, I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. Superman would be ridiculous.

But if you had odd shoes with that... What shoes, by the way, what shoes do you wear with the superhero, with the Batman costume? Is it wellies? When I was a kid, I used to wear wellies, yeah, and swimming trunks over jeans. Oh, nice. And a tank kid, I used to wear wellies, yeah, and swimming trunks over jeans. Oh, nice.

And a tank top, I recall. But, um, yes. Ian Angel. Oh, Ian Angel's in. Ian Angel has texted, surely the most obvious thing to grow in... Shoe-shooley. I'm surprised he missed that one.

No, he hasn't done shoely. He said, surely the most obvious thing to grow in one shoe is hops. Yeah. And that is excellent, I think. Well, we've had another suggestion. You can use it for shaking at people out of your window after they cut you up in traffic to release your frustration. Just keep it in the car.

I prefer a clenched fist. Yeah, yeah. I hope they don't use just that as the driver. It's funny you should mention that, actually. I had something of an altercation with an angry driver last week. What happened? I was behind him and he was, you know when someone's visibly... Was this in a cab?

No, I was driving my car behind this guy and he was veering from lane to lane because he was bending down to pick something up that was in his passenger footwell. I don't know if he was changing CDs or if he was... He was adjusting his concrete foot well i don't know if he was changing cds or if he was adjusting his um concrete filled chew cruise he might have been reaching for a morriment i don't know what it was but he was he was waving along and i waited behind him and then as i overtook when he finally got into his own lane he glanced sideways at the same time as i glanced to make sure that he wasn't and then he got very angry that I'd glanced sideways at him and he caught up with me and from his car he was doing wild arm gestures. Really? But repeatedly saying, are you alright? And I could see that he was going, are you alright? Are you alright? You know, through

the glass. Was he in an ambulance? No, no, he was driving his car but it was a bit mixed messages because he was clearly really angry, but he kept saying, are you all right? And so I kept saying, yes, like, back through the window. He didn't know what he was tying with. I know. What, with me? Yeah, Lancashire's Bruce Lee.

Weren't you just, see that? What is the point of putting those hours into martial arts if you couldn't just stick a foot through the passenger window and take his head off? How long do you think my leg is that it's going right through his car? What am I, Mr Ganja? You should have just whipped off your kung fu belt and waved it at him.

That's what I would have done. Do you wear the kung fu belt all the time? Just mouth the words, next services. Next services. And get the words, next services. Next services. And get there and absolutely destroy it. I just drove off. I drove off. I'm not going to lie.

I drove off giggling. Well, if you're going to be fast as lightning, which I've heard you are. Kung Fu. Haven't you heard that, Frank? I've absolutely heard that. Yeah. Yes. Well, what's the point of having that?

That's like having a revolver in the glove compartment and not using it. Yeah. Hmm. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. So, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show or the show on Twitter and Frank on the radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. You know, we were asking earlier, well, I specifically was, whether we thought there were any spies. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. You know, we were asking earlier, well, I specifically was,

whether we thought there were any spies working in the Birmingham area. Mm-hm. And we have had a missive in from one such spy. I am a spy, still working in Brom. Wow. I work for Farm Foods and have to travel incognito And compare prices at the nearest branches of Iceland Hold on I don't often say this to spies

But too much information And people think the cold war is over Oh Iceland Come on That's from Clive Oops That's a nice little work joke though It's a sort of spy.

I suppose store detectives and that are sort of spying. Yeah, mystery shopper, all that sort of stuff. There must be more spying goes on than we realise. I didn't know what a mystery shopper was until I was in Doctor Who. It was in the script of the episode I was in. Oh, yeah. And I had no idea. That's such a down-to-earth way to find out

some people google i go and feature in an internationally famous drama well done you i mean you got a lot from that actually looking back on it so not just the learning of the mystery shopper for it you've got merch you've got people turning up with the glossy stills outside Absolute Radio, wanting to put them on the old eBay. Yeah. It's all, um, it's all good. All good. Love them. The Cold War. It's good.

Good text, that. Anyway. Anyway, what else? What's in the newspapers? What about that? Not the snoozepapers, mained. We should talk about this Party Next Door chap. Yeah, we should.

Kyle Jenner. Whose work? I'm not actually... Kylie Jenner. Is it Kylie? Yeah, Kyle's the mother. Is that right? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not really that up on these things. Kyle is the mother. Family is quite hard to follow the history. Kyle's the mother. Kyle is the... Which one used to be a... Oh, Kris Jenner. She just corrected me.

Do you know, that's the only time Sarah on the show has felt compelled to actually interject publicly. Kris Jenner. With a note of panic. She's right. How can I put this? Did Kris Jenner used to be a gentleman?

No. No, okay. That's Bruce Jenner. Well, She's right. How can I put this? Did Chris Jenner used to be a gentleman? No. That's Bruce Jenner. Well, it's Caitlyn. I know it used to be Bruce Jenner. It's Caitlyn Jenner now. I remember Bruce Jenner. Okay, here it is. Caitlyn Jenner. Oh, I can't even... Where does Caitlyn Jenner... I'm not answering that question. No.

Leave it, Frank. No, okay. I was told it was in a safety deposit box. Leave it. Let. No, okay. I was told it was in a safety deposit box. Leave it. Let's just say they know what to do with a spare shoe. Put it that way. Anyway, what is his... What happened then?

For comic effect, I made the arm of the bike. It would have served you right if yours had fallen off. Um, what is Kylie Jenner's relationship to... She's the daughter of Kris Jenner. Kris Jenner is... Is that correct, Sarah? And Kris Jenner used to be a gentleman. No!

No! What is the relationship? Kris Jenner is the woman. What's the name of the one who used to be a gentleman? Caitlin. Caitlin. So what is Caitlin's relationship to Kylie? That's the father.

Okay. Okay, of course. Right. So Kylie Jenner is young. She's a young girl. She's the one with the big lips. Right. 18 years old she is, and she's got a new boy.

Oh, that's a bit Daily Mail reporter. She's got a new boy. That's the story, isn't it? she's got a new boy. Oh, that's a bit Daily Mail reporter. She's got a new boy. That's the story, isn't it? She's got a new boy. Well, she used to date Tiger, and now she's going out with Party Next Door. Because Tiger dumped her, so she's going out with Party Next Door. Not Tiger of the golf links. No.

He's gone quiet. He has gone quiet. That is the talk of the town. No, I heard, and to gossip that he was something of a ladies man i heard that i heard he put it about yes well it definitely was i did a pun and no one picked up on it he picked up on it about that's good i didn't pronounce it properly that's good Thank God you didn't do a wood joke. So Party Next Door... Party Next Door? I mean, what kind of handle is that?

He's a Canadian rapper. Must really confuse the postman. Mm. Because, you know... Party next door. Party next door, so you get to deliver it and you think, oh, no, this is the party next... I need to go one down, you know.

Well, I hope he doesn't move into your old flat, cos the archbishop of Canterbury's gonna get all manner of all-night ravers turning up. Well, isn't that... Every time they ring the doorbell. The odd thing with calling himself Party Next Door, is there any bigger downer in life than that moment when you realise there's a party next door? Oh, man, it's like a Friday night in a travel lodge for me

when I come here for the show. Like, Party Next Door's the next... Oh, brilliant. Got to get up at six. Is it capital P? Oh, these people don't do capitals. Oh, OK. Got to get up at six. Is it capital P? Oh, these people don't do capitals. Oh, okay. It's probably... It's trendy types.

It's probably P and then at and then R-T-I-E. It's all a bit... Party. E-E-Commings. Yeah, exactly. I don't know how familiar he is with the work of E-E-Commings, but it could be. I mean, in the phone book, is he next door, comma, party? Yeah.

Well, we should say his real name, apparently, sadly, is Jaron Anthony Braithwaite, which if you remove the Jaron, he sounds like he's from Huddersfield or something, just Anthony Braithwaite. Tony Braithwaite. He's a window cleaner in Ravensthorpe.

You see, Braithwaite, he's gone from sitcom neighbour to neighbour from hell. And he's saying, should I know him? Is he a big famous... No, you shouldn't know him. No. You don't even know Kylie Jenner. Why are you going to know Party Next Door? I don't know anybody. You might know his brother. He got the name. Do you know how he got the name?

His brother's Party Wall. Party Wall Insulation. That's the cousin. Basement conversion is the dad. The, Partywall Insulation, that's the cousin. Basement conversion is the dad. The family name is next door, not party or anything. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, that's why his basement conversion is the father. Silly joke.

Silly. Um, now, he got, do you know how he got the name? No. It's a setting in a studio apparently. So it's for sort of sound FX if you like. Oh, it's that sort of- If you want it to sound a bit like... It's Atmos. I'll do it again. Atmos is his uncle.

Shall we do our party next door? Let's try. You know, it's all motoring sort of stuff. Oh, yeah, come on, then. So one, two, three, party next door. Yes, how wonderful. It's wonderful. He's really had the best time there.

It's one of his finest. And I said, well, why not just hang it up by the laces? So you have that running at the bottom, and they think, oh, these people, they live it up. You're having a right laugh. But Frank, to quote a friend of the show, Jermaine, I don't think it's that kind of party. No.

Is it really? And he is dating... It's going to be more raucous, isn't it? Yes. But I imagine he's... So she goes out with rappers almost exclusively It seems yeah She's gone from a tiger to a party I suppose there you know

Why can't you go out with normal names Yeah Tiger and party next door Imagine if she breaks up with party next door And then she goes home and says to her parents Kevin meet my new boyfriend Kevin Kevin. They'll be going, what? Not Tiger or Party or Anvil. They've done that. I saw that they had diamond battles. They had a diamond off. I love you talking about diamond battles. They had a diamond off. Well, the fact that I said Instagram gave me a little sizzle of excitement.

Yeah. A diamond battle is where you show your diamonds and someone else shows their diamonds and then there's some sort of judgment. It's a bling off, isn't it? Yeah, you show your eyes. When did it happen? Show your eyes? Eyes. when did it happen? she had eyes can you identify that moment in history

when diamonds became the great signpost for stupidity and bad taste there used to be such an exclusive Elizabeth Taylor and stuff like that I know so associated with like you know

jacuzzis wearing moccasins with no socks. And not reading books. No disrespect to the Native Americans. I mean, with a suit. It's like, who would you want now? A big diamond anything? No.

They ought to be worth nothing. They should have been just by sheer good taste. Their value should have been ought to be... Plunged. I mean, the phrase, diamonds are a girl's best friend, isn't that the most profoundly sexist thing that was ever said? Yeah. No, I've had worse.

Never mind what happens in the breaks. I suppose it's more likely that diamonds are a pearl's best friend. If one associates their precious gems, basically, you know, mingle, hang out together. Yeah. Could be a good... It could be like a little twist on Romeo and Juliet, if you had, like, a thing set with... Yeah.

..gems and then a diamond fell in love with a pearl and caused all sorts of consternation. I mean, I didn't... You got that ballet link to hand. It's all right, I'm just going to list some actors who might play James Bond. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We've had a text in from 606. Re, you know, I love a re in a text. I'd probably read this anyway even if I didn't like it, just because I like re. Re party next door. Why should he be exempt from the proper noun rule of capitalisation? Who does he think he is? He's done it all lowercase.

Well, we know who he thinks he is. We know exactly that. He thinks he's not Braithwaite. He's party next door. But E.E. Cummings, the poet, used to use all lower register. They think they're doing it first, these people. Exactly. I have a question about the bling, the diamond off that they had.

Oh, yeah. Diamond battles. I call them ice wars. I saw those photos and they both had... Yeah, lovely thing. They had very jewel-encrusted, I think the article says they're Rolex watches. Yeah. They're really, really, like, shiny watches. Mm. Now, I wear a watch that's got a black face and white hands. It's very easy to read. I don't know if you guys have got diamond watches.

No. Are they difficult to tell the time on? Because when you look at them, you go, oh, God, me retinas, that's right in me eyes. You can't see, yeah. Is that a problem with them? Because I would want it to be a watch, first and foremost. I don't know, I'm with Frank on the diamond watch. I don't see the appeal. Do you think that's why they wear sunglasses indoors, in case they look at their watch? I think diamonds are the new shell suit. I think diamonds are the new shell suit.

Well, I once interviewed Prince Nazim, me and David Baddiel. Oh, yeah. And he said that the Sultan of Brunei had given him a gold watch that was embezzled with diamonds. And we were about too frightened to say anything about it. Did you leave it? We left it. You did well. I didn't even give him the glad eye. I should think not.

No. Can I tell you about my night out this week? Because we haven't discussed. Do you know I went to the Archivas? Oh, sure. Do you know what the Archivas are? Of course. Okay.

You were nominated, Frank. We're in the biz. Yes, I know I was nominated but um i had all the work yeah um it was uh the archievers i do i know what they are well it's an award for commercial radio is that what it is i'm gonna be honest i i didn't know the result but given that we're two and a half hours into the show and it's just being mentioned i'm assuming frank hasn't won this that might have been in the first link, had he? I went, frankly, because I thought I was going to go up

and it was my big moment and I was going to make a speech. Did you have a speech prepared? Yeah, of course I did. Do it now. No, I didn't have a speech prepared. That would be great. You could do it now. I went with Daisy, our producer, who Frank had a go at last week

because she said she was going to get her hair blow-dried and he said, I didn't think you were like that. Well, she's obviously been drinking out of your cup. So you went to the Archievers. I've never been to the Archievers. Wow.

Because I'm always the bridesmaid, never the bride at the Archievers. Which is, you know, it's nice to be nominated. Why do you think that is? Less nice to be rejected. I know. Well, at least you get the mention. Look, it's nice to be nominated why do you think that is? less nice to be rejected I know well at least you get the mention

look it's fine so they have it at the roundhouse in Camden which is a bit of a sort of gothy rock venue can I ask you a question it's a company is it a company archiver? is it an insurance firm? I don't know

I think it's a there's sponsors I think it's a telecommunications company yeah and they sponsor it yeah it's always the case with sponsors no one ever knows what they actually i'm going insurance i don't know why no it's telecoms okay telecoms phones and media okay ballet link i think it's a malt whiskey okay i'll go whiskey i'll have an archiva on the rocks lovely there you go they'd done something which I think might have been, I think it was an odd decision.

Sorry, I'll take it. Which was, when we arrived, there was a, they have these very trendy brass bands now and they do covers of things. Are they trendy? Oh, yeah, they're very hipster. They've all got beards. And they'll do covers of Chemical Brothers or like Beyonce.

Oh, okay. I can't remember. They might have been doing crazy or something like that when we walked in. But they were all standing behind, about 12 of them, behind the reception. So it looked a bit odd. It was like a hotel or something. It was like a weird crossroads motel with sort of trumpeters. But the trouble is, they were by the door, so no-one could hear you announce your name as you walked in.

So there's a woman with the clipboard, and she says, what's your name? And then all you can hear is the trumpet and the trombone doing Crazy in Love. She gave up on me and Daisy in the end. I don't think she should have asked my name, frankly. It would be a great gate-crasher method. Get your mates in the brass band.

That's a good idea. Before, and then you wouldn't be heard good idea she sort of gave up frank because all the trombone was like and she just waved us in and what's the clarinet going i know it wasn't i'm gonna play fell over. We'll come back to that. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. So I'm at the Archievers this week with my Absolute Radio family. I'm on a table with the breakfast show, actually.

So I was saying I felt like, you know when a Hollyoaks actor gets a part in Coronation Street or Emmerdale, like goes from the cafe, I felt a bit weird with the other ones. But I do have, can I just say to all my radio brethren out there, if you've got an award, take your lanyard off before you go up to the stage. People don't do that at the Oscars. They don't have a lanyard on.

What did the lanyards signify that you could get in? I presume so, but I mean, it probably gave them a free beer or something, but come on. It's not very Clooney, is it? It's not award ceremony. No. Anyway, the OC fell over. How? How did that happen? I don't know. He stalled it out. One minute he was up and he was just kind of, you know,

hellfellow, well-matching to all his radio friends. Next thing I know, he was on the floor. Was he heading towards the stage to collect something or...? Oh, no, I don't... No, I hope not, anyway. All right, OK. You know what might have happened? He won, and Absolute Radio won. You know what might have happened for the won, and Absolute Radio won. You know what might have happened for the... What?

Aneurysm? I was thinking he might have lost one of his dress shoes and just been off the walls. Oh, that was the chances that he's saying that. You know, it's going about. There's something going around. Frank, a terrible thing happened, though. I know.

Other than you not winning. Other than you not winning, a terrible thing happened. Go on. Even by my standards of embarrassing. So I had tweeted that I was at the event, and a producer friend of mine that I know, who I worked with once with David Baddiel, responded and said,

Oh, what table are you on? I'll come and see you. And I thought, Oh, that's nice. But I didn't want to reply publicly, so I thought, I'll direct message him. Are you aware of this? It's like texting, but you do it via... It's like whispering, is it? Yeah, so only you and the other person can see the message. Cyber-whispering.

Yeah, cos I didn't want to announce where I was to everyone, and it's a little interest to others. So I just said, Table 11, exclamation mark, come on over, darling. Kiss, kiss. Oh. Why the exclamation mark? Just because I was, you know, there was a certain merriment going on and it was just, you know, I was excited and I wanted to communicate that.

Put my phone down. Didn't hear from him. Thought, that's a bit strange. Ten minutes later, I checked my message to see if it had sent. And it had sent, but to Ross Noble. Oh. Who would have received a message from me saying table 11 exclamation mark come on over darling and probably thought table 11 was some sleazy

nightclub somewhere or some sort of euphemism for yes i mean i know he's surreal but still so can i just say to ross if you're listening i I deleted the message, but I think he must have seen it. I'm so sorry. I wasn't propositioning you. I know you were at home playing with your motorbike parts, whatever you do. I'm so sorry. I don't think that's a euphemism we can use on the radio. I was playing with your triumph.

I was hoping you were going to say, turned out, he was also on table 11 and I hadn't recognised him. No, but how embarrassing. Yeah, well... I didn't mean it in a sleazy way, obviously. Anyway, I was sad for you, Frank, but I was pleased...

Oh, really? Well, no, but Absolute won. No, that's good. And Paul, who's our boss, he won and I was next to him and I was hoping for who's our boss he won and I was next to him and I just I was hoping for a bit of light on me and maybe he'd kiss me on the cheek so I could be part of it and he just walked up

and I didn't get a hug or a kiss I wasn't involved at all I'm not networking enough that's my problem I need to be doing more telecommunications hanging around. Frank, what about... If I can find a local mast, I could just hang around there.

Someone will turn up. Yeah. Frank, what about when I stole the award? Did you steal the award? Yes, I've got it at home. No, you didn't. Did you know that? I did. Daisy, didn't I?

You've got an archiver at home. Well, I just saw it on the chair, and everyone was drunk. These people drink a lot, and they weren't noticing. This is a joke, is it? No, this is not. So you've got... It just says Absolute Radio. It's in a little frame and it's got the thing.

Well, you're a representative. I suppose you're as entitled as anyone. I'm as committed. So if anyone wants it, I've got it. I'm not joking. Daisy, am I joking? If you want a spare... I've got it.

I nearly brought it in this morning. If you want a holder for it, I've got a shoe going spare. Just put the corner in. What is it, square? Yeah, it's a big frame. I mean, not that much money's been spent on it. It's our pevers. But I've put seven years in.

This is what I'll get back. I don't see what... I think everyone at the station should get a copy, shouldn't they? Yeah, why not? Yeah. Hmm. I don't know where we go from there. You haven't really stolen it. I have!

I'll keep looking for help, but she won't give me any. I swear I've stolen it. Wow. Imagine if she goes to jail for this with a blanket over her head. Why do you say stealing? Isn't it partly mine? Do you think Pickles the dog is listening to this and thinks,

it's time I made a combat? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I don't know how aware of the work of Pharrell Williams you are, guys, but you may well be. you're not aware.

I know Pharrell. He's bringing out a doll. The Methuselah conundrum. Oh, that is a great box set. I mean, I really went through that box set. That was one of those ones. Frank, wasn't it, that one?

Very Moorish, that one. I don't think I've... Mel over high, I think, was the first thing I saw that one um i don't think i don't know over high i think was the first thing i saw him in i don't think i've been as into it oh was that saran jones in there i love that one as i was into uh the bells of wales was it the bells of wales i mean that that was really moorish um but yeah he's brought a doll, or at least he's about to bring out a doll. He previewed it at the end of The Voice, which was a little while ago, but he's a... Othello.

Othello. He was really Moorish. So a doll, okay. Yeah. I mean, I'm, I know, there will be a point where absolutely they're going to have to ask me to leave because they don't know what's happening in the world. Yeah. But Farrell Williams...

Well, I'm not sure they will. ...is the appointment I'm going to have to leave because I stole the Station of the Year award. Well, to be honest, Frank, I don't think they're going to ask you to leave because you don't know what's going on because if they were going to, it would have happened years ago, wouldn't it?

So Farrell Williams... Farrell. Farrell. Farrell. Farrell Williams. Just call him Farrell. Sorry, I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel. He's a singer and musical artist. Pharrell Williams. Just call him Pharrell. Sorry, I'm scraping the bottom of the Burrell.

He's a singer and musical artist. He wears the Vivienne Westwood buffalo hat. He loves a cowboy hat, doesn't he? No, that's Jamiroquois. No, that's not. Okay. There's not one person who wears a hat in life. Is he a rapmeister? No, I think he's a singer more so.

No, they're all producers. Everybody's a producer in the music business. He's probably been feet. He's probably been feet for quite a bit. No, you know that song. You've only got to turn the volume up. You're a producer. That's right.

You know that Happy Now song? Happy Now is this... It's a nice one. Not the one that Big Mouth Billy Bass used to sing. Yeah. No. Be happy. Be happy now. No, not that one. Okay. I don't. Yeah. Be happy. Be happy now.

No, not that one. Okay. I don't know it. Sing it. Well, I just sung it. Sing it properly. It's all high. I think you'll find that's my car alarm.

Get along with your hair. No. Okay. Don't bless him, man. Well, we've both had a go at it. Continued success, if you're listening. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I mean, I know you've got a child's birthday this next week, but the doll is going to cost 24,800 Japanese yen. Oh, what's that? Yeah, but that's only 158 pounds. 158. This is a Pharrell doll. A Pharrell doll. Yeah.

Okay. I'd like to get one. Would you? We don't even know who he is. Who he is? Why would you do that? I mean, you'd just love a cowboy hat. I can't possibly be disappointed because I have no idea what he looks like. It looks a lot like him. It does. I like the

idea that one's initial contact with a celebrity is through their action figure before you actually know them. £158. Yeah. Go on. Yeah. I'll take you. How much is a... How much is a... a beet baby? Have you tried those? I don't know what a beet baby is. Oh, I know. They're the shoes on the other foot, as they say in Alan Cochran's house. Yeah, so thank you so much

for listening this morning. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. We'll be back again this time next week. Now get out!