The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - AusteriTree

Episode Date: December 15, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. It's the last show of 2018. The team discuss Christmas Games, Christmas Trees, Miley Cyrus and Roger the giant Roo.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Morning. Morning. Hey Frank. We've had, I mean I don't want to go straight to outside world.

Go on, go straight to outside world. It's the only way I'm going out there today, in this temperature. Okay. Whatever... This is from 877. Whatever happened to the Mexican wave? Yeah, I do.

Occasionally. I've occasionally seen it at very dull sports events. It's always like the ultimate slap in the face to a sports event if people get to that stage. What I used to like about the Mexican wave You've seen a few in your time.

Yeah, it's had that slight sort of Brexit edge to it. If people didn't join in you know, if you went to the exec boxes and they didn't get up, you know, if we went to the exec boxes and they didn't get up, you'd get real... Real hate.

You were either in or you were out. You have to join in with this, and if you don't join in with it, then we despise you. It's difficult for people like me, your natural contrarian that struggles with the whole joining in thing. I don't know how you'd have gone on in Nazi Germany.

There's no place for the contrarian. No, you're right. Here's one. I could be wrong about this while we're on the Whatever Happened To. Butterscotch. It seemed to be much more popular. It was everywhere. You could get a butterscotch at everything.

You mean the flavour? I mean, the butterscotch sweet, certainly, I would say, has gone slightly out of favour. But the flavour of things. You never get a butterscotch option anymore. Lovely angel delight you used to get. Oh, angel delight. Sounds a bit old-fashioned, doesn't it?

The whole thing of butterscotch. Butterscotch also, people always favoured a clear wrapper, I fancied, for a butterscotch. And also it's got like national obesity crisis, national binge drinking crisis all mixed up together. Perfect straddles. Yeah, I think we're probably better off without it. I think we need it. We've got the Kendall mint cake. To hell with butterscotch.

What about when you kept me so long in that shop choosing an anorak for you that I had to stop and have Kendall mint cake? To hell with butterscotch. What about when you kept me so long in that shop choosing an anorak for you that I had to stop and have Kendall mint cake in the sports shop? I know. I was so hungry. That's the great thing about being in an outdoor shop. If you're hungry... For a great deal of time.

I stopped on the stairs for Kendall mint cake. A bit of KMC and she was off like a rocket. Back to shopping. He couldn't make his mind up. Oh, well. He looked great in the end. Yeah, I just cared about being dry. Okay.

We've had another missive from the outside world, an idiotic eureka moment. Oh, we've gone through all the classics today. Idiotic eureka moment is when you realise something that everyone else realised ages ago, basically. Well, I'm also with this character, Dan, who's messaged us.

Is he a Trump fan, is he? No, I'm not a Trump fan. Dear Frank, Alan and Emily. Sorry. Dear Frank, Alan and Emily, a friend mentioned to me that Liam Gallagher was actually called William Gallagher. I wondered why he was called Liam before realising that Liam was short

for William. I'd never realised this despite going to school with two Liams. Praise redacted, Dan. Hold it. You're not having it? I don't think Liam is short for William. Oh, well I've it makes sense to me.

Well it makes sense in that it's the last few letters of that. But I don't think that's a general... In fact, it makes more sense than Bill being short for William. Well, I knew an American comic, you may know him, whose name was Billium. So he had done neither one thing. His parents... Made-up story.

No, that's just I'm only kidding. That's just silly. Google him. That is silly. Yeah, it's like his parents have thought, well, we know... He is a silly billion.

Yeah, silly billion. His parents must have thought, we know where this is going. We're going to... We'll cut them off at the pass. And, yeah, billion. It's probably still working. We'll get him on.

I like a name that's almost a name. Well, you know, it's... I haven't seen anyone else try that one. You don't think Liam is short for William? No. I think Liam is just... It's what? William Neeson.

Liam Neeson? But it sounds like it. No, it could be. It sounds like it's literally short for it it could be it's a shorter version of what you've just said well it is a shorter version

but I don't think it's a shortening is what I mean although I believe mum a little baby like shortening shortening but I don't think

she was responsible for the Liam project The Liam Project. OK. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Well, there's a lot going on in the texts. Well, 974 has been in touch with some butterscotch news. Oh, yes.

Salted caramel replaced butterscotch. That's from Susie. Lovely work, Susie. Can you believe that? You know, the first person I heard of, in the first context of salted caramel, was Barack Obama liked it. That was the first time I ever heard of it.

He was the great champion of all that. Of the SC. We actually had an email in recently, but I think it was right at the end of the show saying whatever happened to unsalted caramel. I haven't seen it for ages. Exactly. And they never got their credit for it.

I'll imagine if you said that, I'd say that if I ordered an ice cream. I'd say, oh, could you not have it salted, please? Okay. I have a theory that sweet and salty popcorn doesn't have any salty in it. I think they just say salty just for, you know, the people who live in North London and worry about their weight. Do you think... Which one do you go for, by the way?

Oh, sweet, definitely. If you're going to have popcorn, have you ever had just salty popcorn? Yeah. Disgusting. I'm salty. I don't like popcorn. Oh, it's like...

I think it's minging. Do you know our street? Well, it just shows we cater for all. Yeah, that's why we're such a successful team. It's that blend. What about Liam? I mean, do you want to do the honours? 351.

Oh, actually, we've got quite a few Liam answers. Liam, actually, I think I went to Catholic school with. I saw that Richard Curtis film. Liam is a short form of the Irish name William from Richard in Bracknell. I think we've covered that. So that's right then. I was led to believe Liam was the Catholic version

of the Protestant William. That's from Isabel. Oh, because they're not going to go for William because of King Billy. Oh. Oh, yeah. What happened to King Billy? Well, William of Orange and then...

Oh, yes, I remember him, yeah. Oh, we don't really... We don't discuss that. Not on a Saturday morning. We won't talk about William Orange. No, the handbook. But in the Catholic supplement, which is in my own particular absolute handbook,

they tell me not to bring it up in case it gets malicious. That's what the note says. So, no. So, Liam is the Irish version of William? Well, I never knew that. Hush my mouth. Can I tell you something? I went to...

Sure. I went away for the weekend. Oh, fancy. I went to... Have you ever heard of Luton Who? No. No, it's not a convention. I was thinking.

Yeah. Luton Who. I don't know what a Who is. Alan's stomach just rumbled. Yes, did you hear that? Really audible. Thank you. I'm worried about this.

He's on the mat every day of the week. He's not eating. Oh, no, I'm eating. Exactly, yeah. Luton Who, yeah, is... You know when you get a Who, like Sutton Who, H-O-O? I don't know what it actually means. No.

But it's some sort of place name. Make sure you keep both those O's on, for heaven's sake. Yeah, so the hotel was called Luton Who. Of course, me and my son soon managed to construct a knock-knock joke. Oh, nice. Out of it. Yeah. And then I thought, I had a bit of a whatever-happened-to-knock-knock joke. I haven't. Out of it. Yeah. And then I thought I had a bit of a whatever happened to knock-knock

jokes. I haven't heard any new stuff. They tend to be retreads. Yeah. I wonder if it was the video doorbell. You remember the Boggle song, video doorbell killed the knock-knock jokes. Yeah.

I wonder because people now don't say who's there. You press the video doorbell and they go, all right, Steve, come in. Oh, yeah. I wonder if that's killed it off. Yeah. Technology. Unintended consequences of the technology, innit?

Spoil the jokes. What about when I had a long conversation with a bloke who worked on a TV show about... He came to my dressing room and went... And I said... I explained that I actually judged people even before I'd met them by the way they knocked on my door.

You know what, though? If you hear... You think, oh, I'm going to hate this person. It's interesting. I mean, I can't see through wood don't think I can but I don't need to I just you just know

you know what's coming we've got some who news for you now what a Who is? Yes, I know it's an app you subscribe to, Who News. Yes. It's not that kind of Who, can we just say? No.

H-double-O. A Who is a hill, according to 719. That's it. I think it's a historic hill. I had a friend who was an expert on Worcestershire place names. He was really quite high up in the Worcestershire place names he was really quite high up in the Worcestershire place names community

and whenever there was a place that was called something like Wild Dark Meadow, he would always think oh fabulous, he always said on a wildug it means a muddy road and this is the least romantic

thing of all time, place names. So that does not surprise me. Okay, Luton Hill then. That's all I need to remember. And didn't Ricky Hill used to play for Luton? That's weird. Yeah, so... Yeah, knock-knock jokes, etc.

I'd say the doorbell. Have you got a doorbell? Yeah. Well, guess what? Guess what? Go on. I've got a Christmas theme on my doorbell at the moment. Oh, you've actually just done it for the season.

No, I had the doorbell, but I have a variety I can choose. And I chose that. It's amazing what they can do now, isn't it? Because, you know, obviously you have, yeah, I went for that one. I've got a Wi-Fi doorbell. Wow. No, I didn't know. Because I've always thought the doorbell was very unexploited.

In other way, ringtones, people go... Yes. All sorts. Whereas the doorbell, ours is... Right. Yeah, I mean... Rubbish. We combine a door knocker with a whippet going mental

because there's someone at the door. Yeah, but they do that live, don't you? Keep doorbells live. Yeah, yeah. That would be a tough old job. It's like the car horn. You know the car horn? You know the two classic novelty?

You know, there was... Da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da- there was that... And then there was... Were they actually horns? Or were they supplementary things that your car would... If someone... Oh, I see, yeah. If someone stepped in front of you, would you actually go...

Or is that like an extra... Is it just the joy of driving? Oh, maybe. I was never one of those people that had that. No, that does not surprise me. Yours would have been... That's everyone's in Yorkshire. I love what would your horn be.

That's this's in Yorkshire. I love, what would your horn be? Yeah. That's this morning's text. Celebrity, we just pick a celebrity. Let's, for example, say... Well, we need to do yours, Frank, as well. Tony Cotty. Oh, yeah, yeah. Tony Cotty.

What would his car horn be? So what should Tony Cotty's car horn theme be? 8, 12, 15. That's what they want, professional presenting. I've received a correction to something that I misread. I misread people. Hold on. I'm like...

Correction, correction, ole, ole, ole. I went a bit high. You know, I read Richard in Bracknell saying that Liam was short for William. Yeah. It turned out I misread it. He sent me another message saying it's not William, it's Ulliam with a U, U-L-L-I-A-M. Now you're just being silly.

Short for Ulliam. It's short for Ulliam, yeah. Short for that well-known name Ulliam. Oh, okay. No, but I think he was making a point that it was short for a historical name and then I misread it, which somewhat ruined his point. Yeah, but that's hardly an idiotic eureka moment,

that Liam is short for Olium. Oh, well, everybody knows that. You should have left it. I should. No, he should. Oh, right. He's gone back. I like the slightly combative way Al said, I should.

I was all going to kick off. No, it never happened. Imagine you two had a fight. An actual fight. I always think, because he... You and Frank. Oh, I thought you meant

me and Richard in Bracknell. No, you and Frank have a fight. I was going to say, I've got a no audience members rule for the fighting. Yes, because Al has the tools to kill someone with his bare hands,

I always think if it went, if he had a breakdown in here, you're nearer the door, and who's the one who'd get away? And would you stop for help? Would you ask the man on reception to help? I've used psychological warfare, and I would manage to get my way out of it.

All I can think of is that old joke about some martial arts expert that could kill a man with his bare hands getting beaten up and then his mates saying why and him saying it takes me five minutes to get my shoes and socks off. There you go. Shouldn't it be gloves? Maybe.

I hate to correct. You're right, you're right. Hold on a minute. Correction. Comedy. Comedy. Here's a question from my youth. It used to be said, have you ever heard this, if you get a small pyramid and put a razor blade inside it, it'll sharpen itself.

Never heard of such a thing. What is going on? It's a thought experiment. What sort of pyramid? It used to be... Don't you go to the pyramid shop? You know, just small perspex pyramid. Where did you get that from?

Oh, right. It used to be very common when I was there. You put it inside it? You put it inside a pyramid, inside the pyramid, and then the razor blade sharpens itself. It used to be offset. People were always going on about it. Well, you see, you're all looking at me like I've had a senior moment.

But soon the switchboard will be lighting up with people saying, well, actually, that does work. Is this a set-up for a joke? No. It feels like a pun coming, doesn't it? Yeah, he's going to do a pun about... Will you just trust me? No, I do.

Let him do his joke now. No, there is no. Okay. There is no. Honestly, it's the real deal. Sharpen... Do razor blades still exist? I don't know.

They do, yeah. Well, if you want to sharpen your razor blades, Al, and this could save you money, get a little perspex. It needn't be perspex. That's the strangest thing you've ever said. It needn't be perspex. I think you can just use, you know, sticks

just to form a pyramid. I don't use sticks. You've given me really good life advice. I tell everyone I know. Well, it's not really for you, is it? When did you last use a razor blade? Probably yesterday. Oh.

I didn't think we meant it. It's not really for you, is it? When did you last use a razor blade? Probably yesterday. Oh. Oh, good. I didn't think we admitted that anymore. Yeah, you do the legs sometimes. I thought it was the old beeswax. Beeswax? You know, you just do the car, you keep going. Onto the bonnet.

Thank you. Oh, my God. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, I don't know how you feel about an email beginning with the words, Morning Gang, Frank is right.

Want me to continue? I like the sound of that. In fact, that's this week's trailer. OK. 970, this is re your pyramids. Aye, aye, aye. Theory. Yeah.

I should say theorem. It's a theory that pyramids generate energy. As well as sharpening razor blades, the energy can supposedly preserve food. Ah. Yep. I don't like the idea of you having a little triangle with all foods. Cheaper than a fridge. Keep all our stuff in a pyramid.

Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. And you get that very gaunt, bald-headed chief priest who has to die with the pharaoh. Oh, yeah. You always get that in the films. No, I don't know why.

Covered in sand. 299ers also confirmed your theory. Hi, Frank. I remember learning that they used to use that method to sharpen blades in trenches in First World War. See, come on. The look you two gave me. In fact, all of you.

First World War, I think it's reasonable for us not to be nofay with that practice. The look you gave me, and I'm talking about people on and off microphone, all looked at me as if I was vermin, verminous. Can I tell you something,

by the way? This hotel I stayed at, you know what hotel I stayed at? At Sutton Hoo. Luton Hoo. I didn't stay at Sutton Hoo. They wouldn't let you do that. I'm glad to know

what you were doing there. Well, it was my brother-in-law's birthday weekend. He's 40. And it took me back. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Look forward to that. Yeah.

I tell you what, when we checked in, it's a lovely sort of posh hotel, you know. And they said, we got one little thing. Guys, no keys to the rooms. and they said, we've got one little thing. No keys to the rooms. One little thing. That kind of party. Well, how do we... She said, well, if you want to get in your room,

all you have to do is phone down... You'll find phones on the corridor. Phone down to reception and someone can come up and let you in. Frank, I don't like this. Was this a system that they used all the time or was this an emergency? Well, I'm presuming it was. They can't just have done...

Yeah, the hotel was started by a bloke who used to live up north in the 40s where we all left our doors open. So we actually did that for the weekend and I just left it on the latch. Did you? Latch key child. Well, you realise... What happened to it?

You realise that all your personal possessions, and there was a Kindle and, you know, but all that are not worth as much as the bother of having to phone someone. I'd rather be completely wiped out of all those things than have to phone down and wait for someone to come up. So it's interesting. It taught me that I'm not as materialistic as I might think I am.

How lovely. Yes, I was happy about that. But I had a thing which was one... Daisy, our producer, was on about when I remembered the name Stylus on the show many years ago. I was trying to remember what you call those things that you write on. And when I got it, that joy, the joy of remembering it was absolutely brilliant. I had a moment like that at the weekend a white heat of satisfaction frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio sorry i was just gonna interject with i've got a final i think a final email on pyramid power okay you're interested um you're referring

to a once popular theory that pyramids held some mystical power which would prevent food and bodies from rotting as well as sharpening razors. There is no scientific evidence... I'll just repeat that bit. There is no scientific evidence supporting the existence of pyramid power. Experiments have shown no change to a razor blade

that occurs when left inside. And then they finish with, yay, science. Okay. I thought you might not be a fan of that one. If you could see the look on Frank's face right now, dear readers. Oh, science. Bit of fun. Constantly being updated, science.

It is. It's not like it's a finished project, is it? No. Right. Very much a working project. Not like faith. No, that is a finished project. is it? No. Right. Very much working project. Not like faith. No, that is a Finnish project. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. I might be the flaw. Is that door open? So anyway, so here's an example of faith. So they had, at this party, they had helium-filled balloons. And really not, you know those quite thick balloons that cost a few bob? They're beautiful. I think all the kids were thinking,

I wouldn't mind a couple of them to take home. Anyway, during... I think it might have been Boz, my own child. But anyway, somebody started dabbling with the weight that held them down. And they went up to the high ceiling in the Churchill Room. Churchill Room has a large portrait of Winston Churchill and some of his own paintings, which are poor. Oh, are they?

Very, very poor. Oh, that's a shame, isn't it? No, yeah, it's good that he stuck to prime ministering. Yeah. I think the paintings were probably used by Clement Attlee Good that he stuck to prime ministering. Yeah. Because the painting, I think the paintings were probably used by Clement Attlee in the 1945 election to show that he wasn't quite the Superman. But anyway, so these things,

they're still on their ribbons, but they're in, and everyone's saying, oh, well, that's it, you know, we can't. Yeah. Even the hotel said, I don you know, we can't. Yeah. Even the hotel said, I don't know, we normally get them down. I think we just wait till the healing fades. And what I did was I got Liz, who was one of the guests,

who's Jack's sister, I got her top, and I wrapped it around Buzzy's training shoe. And I could see there was a cradle of ribbons. If you could get it in exactly the right place, it landed in the cradle. And I threw it up and I had about, I suppose, about ten attempts. And in the end, they said, we've got to go now. I said, just give me one more go and up it went. And it sat there and brought the balloons down to the ground.

And Kath videoed it and there's a shot of me peeling it. You know how Alan Shearer used to peel off? And then the look on my face is like, you can be, of all my career achievements and all the physical experiences I've had in hotel rooms, none of that, none of that compared to bringing down these. I mean, the thrill of it. When you do that, man, it's...

Did you get a round of applause? I got a proper load. It was one of those, it was an unadulterated joy. Excellent. Because, you know, when you're in love with someone and you get that joy, there's always the fear of being left, or they might, you know,

they might step in front of a steamroller or something. But this was completely pure the white meat of happiness. Really pleased for you. Just talking about it has fired me up I must say. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. You know, the usual. I don't want to boast. You do.

Yeah, I do actually, you're right. Who am I trying to bribe, kid? My tree is something of a work of art this year. Oh, yeah. I'm really proud of it. In what way? Well, I've gone for a really strong theme. I've gone for blush baubles and a glittery gold bow at the top. I'm sorry.

Bow at the top? I know, I know. I could see your face curling up with horror. But there's not room for two angels in one gaff. What is... Nice. Okay, thank you. I thought that through.

Yeah, yeah. In case people ask. Yeah. Charlie's angels, don't they, Cher? They do. What is a blush bauble? Oh, it's the colour pink, darling. Oh, I see.

Okay. Because of embarrassment. Your theme is embarrassment. No, it's a millennial pink, it's the colour pink darling Oh I see because of embarrassment Your theme is embarrassment No it's a millennial pink it's called Oh is it really It's very anti-aging having pink in your gap Is it Yeah because people will think oh she's got pink she must be a bit younger

Oh Like an anti-aging These people that are looking around when you're not there Burglars you're decorating for burglar appeal I'm looking through the house That's good for now, though. Maybe we won't cook the turkey. Keep it as it is.

Keep it as millennial pink. What's your tree theme, please? It's a real tree. Is yours real? No. Well, that's our theme, really. It's a real tree with the usual decorations that we put up every year on it.

It looks fantastic. I mean, Kat does a great job. Lovely. A great job on the tree. What about you, Al? Austerity? Yeah. Austerity.

They should sell Austerity. Which are very... She's so good at titles for stuff sometimes. Austerity is a really good business idea. Slightly tragic. Yeah. We bought the Austerity this year since Malcolm lost his job. I mean, you don't want to hear that.

Oh, now I'm worried about Malcolm. I can barely think about my lunch break. What's yours like? We've got a tree covered in Michael Bublé's, you know, like Bublé. I love that tree. Because it almost sounds like bauble. Yeah. Bublé.

No, it's somewhere you're coming from. He's got a lovely voice. That's all right. Yeah. You don't have to defect. Didn't he once contact Magic or something here? Yes, he did. Someone criticised him.

He did, and he gets in touch. I think he might, because he was very nice to you when you did, I think you did Graham Norton. Oh, he's lovely on Graham Norton. Me and him were like best buddies. Oh, yeah. A little bit jelly bags there. Great.

No, he did. He got in touch with the radio station. There's someone who is rude about him. But it's all right. If you're listening, we love you. I respect him for that. Of course you did. Fine singing voice.

Brilliant. There you go. Yeah, archery is pretty standard. Trad. OK. I don't think there's anything that eccentric on it. None of us have the golden boot at the top. Now, the best tree of the year so far.

No one's going to top this. Harry Kane of Tottenham in England has got a tree, and his golden boot that he won for scoring the most goals in the World Cup is on top of the tree. That's instead of the angel thing. We should say it's not actually the real J.P. McCoy. Oh, isn't it? No.

Oh, because I was thinking it was a feat of engineering because that would weigh a bit. Is that a pond? On the top of a feat of engineering. A foot of engineering. Very good. I believe it's a commemorative boot that he was given by a sponsor. Because he did wear gold boots, I think, in England, Croatia.

Maybe it's one of those. Hype Venom? It's the game where he went really slowly. Still got the mod on the bottom. Things start to go wrong for him. What's that? When he wore golden boots. No, I said he wore gold boots.

He was running... Oh, I see. Gold is a heavy metal. Well, I did worry about the weight of the golden boots on top of the tape. Yeah. And they've got two cockapoos as well. Have they? Mm.

Really? Harry Kane's got cockapoos. He loves a dog. I know, but I thought he'd have a mastiff or something. Yeah. Cockapoos, Harry Kane. He'd have a bulldog or something. I tell you, the Garen Southgate revolution.

Yeah. They had a book club, apparently, at the World Club. I mean, what's going on? Frank's getting upset because someone has a dog that basically is allowed to stay in the home and has a lead and doesn't just disappear for four days. Probably gets food out of a tin instead of from the butchers.

You have to cry outside the butchers and they give you a bone. That's how we fed our dog. Not to, oh, having bacon thrown at him. Yeah, but I tell you, I like the idea of putting a big award on the tree. It's a brilliant thing. I do.

And I thought, we've got that spray snow on our tree, and what I've done is I've left a section of it unsprayed with snow, and I've put my award for interviewing Al Gore there. Oh, nice. As an echo of climate change. And global warming. And it works beautifully. I thought maybe the Baird Medal would make a nice ball board.

Lovely. I'm going to get all the awards. I like the Climate Change Medal in the tree that's been ripped out. It's lovely. I don't know if it was ripped. They all are, dear. It was eased. Ripped, Doug.

It was eased out. And we take it back to the dump, so it's probably organically thingied. Nice for Stig as well. Can I just plant it? People don't do that, do they? People do sometimes, I think. Do they? I couldn't be bothered.

You know, come on, it's a Christmas day. You're still in touch with Al Gore. Yeah. you know come on it's a Christmas tree you're still in touch with Al Gore yeah

now he casually flies over just for a cup of tea flies back again we were talking about Harry Kane's Christmas tree sorry Al we were you know when when cartoons like the Beano or Dandy We were talking about Harry Kane's Christmas tree. Sorry, Al. We were.

You know, when cartoons like the Beano or Dandy used to draw a Christmas pudding, it would be a circle with sort of snow running... Holly on top. Yeah, and liquid running down the side. That would lend itself very well to the football for Harry Kane's... Oh, yeah.

For Harry Kane's Christmas dinner. He could sort of do a football-style Kane's Christmas dinner. He could sort of do a football-style Christmas pud. Perfect. I'm thinking I might carve the turkey on my platinum disc. Nice. If that's how Christmas is going, it's got a bit more self-celebratory this year. Very self-referential, yeah.

There's a hint of Adidas sponsorship now about his trailer. I think there might be. Oh, I see. Yeah. Or Nike. Especially if it is the... No, the boot is Adidas, I think. Oh, you say Adidas, dear. No, this boot is a special edition Nike one, I believe. Is it? It's called

the Nike Hypervenom Phantom 3. Oh, because the golden boot, I'm sure, is Adidas. The one that you're presenting. Yes, but these are Nike. Oh, well, that's what it'll be. It's a Nike-less. What about Courtois, the Real Madrid goalkeeper,

who won the golden glove? I hope he's put that on top of his... You know when you see a glove on railings? I hope he's bringing the turkey out of the oven with it. But you know when you see a lost glove on railings? That on top of the tube is such a tragic sight. But a golden glove. Do you know, I think that's a lovely idea, Frank.

I might do, not the boot, but I might do like a golden slingback. I had an idea. Because the shoe is great. Sorry, but the shoe is perfect for the treetop. Do you think? It's so snuggly. Well, don't you think? I find it so hard to fasten items there normally.

No, it is difficult to get up there. Did you struggle with your angel? Well, the broadest part is at the bottom. That's your problem with the Christmas tree. Have you gone angel, by the way? No, we've gone star. Oh, have you? Oh, yes.

Me. It's a picture of me. It's lovely. And do you know what, readers? The funny thing is, it is. I had a Christmas idea this week. I went to Bozzy's nativity play. What does he play? He plays Cat 9.

Oh, yeah. What they do, obviously there's a lot of people in a nativity. They've got to fill the whole class up. And so there's not that many characters. Unless you just have loads and loads of shepherds. So the landlord in the Nativity play, the one who has no room, he has two cats,

and those cats have several associates who are also cats who do quite a lot of talking and observe the scene. Oh, I like him. He's a sort of Benny from Top Cat. Yeah, that kind of thing okay so um i thought i had this uh thought that if you know when the three kings come on with the stuff that king number three yeah yeah king number three could have gone how do you like it how do you like it

somebody must have done that. Wouldn't that have brought the house... A lot of the seven-year-olds wouldn't have got it. I don't know what to do. You know he likes to give notes after a performance. I'm just picturing him giving the notes. I agree with Frank. To the music teacher.

My worry is that the child nativity play, they don't focus enough on the gags. That's the problem. No, I think that's true. There was gags in it, to be fair. Yeah, so I went for the frankincense football boot. Oh, lovely. In the golden boot,

I don't think they have a silver boot for the second. And like a bronze boot. They should do, you're right. I like the idea of a bronze boot. Well, it was called the Golden Shoe originally.

Is that Judith Chalmers autobiography title? Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I like, we were talking about Harry Kane's golden boot,

and I liked the old tradition of calling it the golden shoe. Did they used to call it the golden shoe? I believe so. Did they? A bit more sort of Grimm's fairy tales, which I like. The man with the golden shoe. Oh, that's weird. Because that suggests that people wear football shoes,

which you never heard of. Which I would love. Said. Not since school have I worn football shoes. Did they call them that? No, but playtime. Play football in shoes. Yeah, well of course they were wooden.

So that was a different world altogether. No, it's very fine. I'm anxious now that it's just a Nike sponsorship. I think anxious now that it's just a Nike sponsorship deal. I think there is a chance of that. Let's hope it's a case of silent Nike.

Very good. In this particular instance. That's so great, yeah. I've asked the red arrows to fly over my house in Christmas tree formation. Well, Christmas trees do look good in red, don't they? Yeah, that would be good. That's the White House approved.

Or if you could find the geese leader. Oh, yeah. And dress that as an angel. Then you can have the geese flying over with that on the top. That would be brilliant. Lovely idea. I don't know if we're thinking far enough out the box on the Christmas tree.

We just get a tree and that's it. What about the dad who bought a giant tree and has chopped it... Colin first. I think I've got the maths right on this. He segmented it and put it all in the front windows of the house so it looks like it goes right through his home. Well, you say it looks like.

I saw a picture of that. That's what the paper says that it looks like. This bug's gone to an enormous amount of trouble to suggest he's got a house so big that he fills the bottom and the top and then it comes out the room. All three sections of the Norwegian spruce. He's gone to enormous bother. It doesn't really work.

No. Do you think not? It just looks like he's got a Christmas tree on his roof. Oh, no. He's really gone to a lot of bother. I know he's really gone to a lot of bother, and God bless him for that. But, you know, epic fail.

I mean, I didn't like him anyway for going to all that bother. I think it makes dads like me that go to no bother look bad when people like him are like, oh, yeah, I'm going to buy a massive tree and chop it in three and put it on the roof. One of the best things I saw about the Christmas decorator, you know houses that really, really go for it? We've all seen them where they absolutely plaster the garden.

Yeah. I tend not to think oh that's brilliant that they're brilliant i tend to think these are people with problems i don't you do think that you just think these are troubled people do you think so yeah but the best one i ever saw is an american thing, and it was someone's house was absolutely got reindeers on the roof and everything, all lit up, and they'd really gone for tow. And the other people had a little light show outside their house

that just said, ditto. That was really very, very fine. But no, I do worry about the people that do that. Well, he is... If I was, say, putting together blind a university challenge team, I would not stop at the house of any of the people who put loads and loads of decorations. I mean, I could be wrong, but as a rule of thumb...

Right, you don't think they're general knowledge collectors? No, I think no. He, I believe, is a YouTuber, this man. Well, this person's done a different thing, because he's done a sort of... he's attempted a visual gag. Well, he's done a YouTuber, but I'm just saying, maybe in his late 40s. Okay. He's a YouTuber. He's 38,

I think he's 38. Oh, is he? Oh, I do apologise. He's not... he's still not a YouTuber demographic. Well, it's a good... look, it's a good try. It's good to join in. Yeah. But it does look... I tell you what, on the roof part of it, and here's my problem,

there's no ascending taper. So you've got two rooms full of tree, and then on the roof, you can see that it's raised up. There's like a stalk, and then the tree sort of begins again it's hard to explain yes I know I understand

it needs a sort of lion waist you need that gradual yeah you need the real idea of a whole tree but I say gone to enormous trouble but not quite enough if he'd just cut a hole in his roof and had the foliage coming out of the hole it's just I mean

he's wasted a good deal of time and money, but I suppose we all have in our life. He's just done it in a week. Pine needles in the bed. Oh, yeah, pine needles in the bed. Don't share a needle, kids. Horrible. That's my advice.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I might have to take a slightly sad turn here because we've got an email that I'd like to read you. Morning team, many shows ago you talked about Roger the Giant Kangaroo. Do you remember Roger the Giant?

Can I say, just in case anyone's listening in a post-hypnotic state, that Roger the Giant Kangaroo is not a command. Yes. It's a name. Yeah. You know, someone went to see Paul McKenna last night and they're just sleeping it off today,

having been walking around... Sleeping off having been in a coma since the 80s. Yeah, exactly. Having been doing, you know, the chicken on stage and eating the raw onion and all that. And then they hear something like like Roger the Giant Kangaroo, they'll be off to the London Zoo on the next tube train. Yeah, well, we did talk about him.

Talk about him? He was the muscular marsupial. He was an incredible creature. I seem to remember you and I having quite a crush on Roger the Giant Kangaroo. Well, if I could have got a calendar, I would have. He was great. I'm saying past tense. The email continues.

I was saddened to see this week that Roger has passed away. Oh, no. I don't like passed away, but we'll go with it. No, I don't. I like died. Yeah, me too. Yeah, I do as well. In the past, I've been known to Google image search pictures of him

just to cheer myself up. Who said that, Frank? No, Sarah Wheeler. R.I.P. Roger the Giant Roo. And she then praises the show, which we don't read out. And then I believe his owner said, life is much harder in the wild for an older kangaroo. Oh, is that what it was?

When they get sick, the dingoes attack and eat them. Yeah. Nature shows no mercy, does it? Dingoes, I mean... No, they're not nice. They're not nice, the dingoes. Oh, Roger. Yeah, it must be a strain on the joints as well, being a

kangaroo. It's like being a fast bowler. I mean, you spend the rest of your life, yeah. They have a lot of cortisone. I was going to play... They carry a lot of weight underneath, Frank. They do. They've got the Kardashian thing We all do We all do but that's what I'm saying

That's why I sympathise with them No it's true I was going to play a kangaroo themed song As a tribute Not that one No It wasn't really an option I was once at a kangaroo's graveyard

Oh yeah This isn't a joke. I was on Kangaroo Island, which is just off the coast of, I think, Adelaide? Could be Melbourne. Anyway, and Kangaroo Island is, as you may imagine, fairly heavily populated with

kangaroos. But there's a section of Kangaroo Island where there is just bones and very, very sick old kangaroos. And the kangaroos make their way to that section of the island. Oh, they go there? They know their numbers up. It's really weird.

Oh, really? They don't hop. The thing is, they don't hop because they're post-hop at that time. Not post-op. No. Post-hop. And so watching a kangaroo walk like the batteries have been taken out

you know when people walk uphill in skis it's like that because the hopping days are over knowing that they're shuffling off they go to the retirement home they go a bit further than that but they do know, where do they know? we all do dear

8, 12, 15 maybe they get a telegram from the Queen and then they better make our way to the... Queensland. Now, they... I don't know, it's quite a tragic thing because they look at you and they know and you know. Whereas I think he...

He went of old age, I think, Roger. I think so, yeah. It's one of our sadder links, isn't it? It is one of our sadder links. You say it? It is one of our sadder links. You say that, but the guns, I mean... He had a good innings. He's 12, I think. Yeah, which in kangaroo years,

which is something you never hear. I'd love to know what kangaroo years are. Okay. But anyway, we enjoyed him as did probably the dingoes I taught my child a trick this week, which he was very delighted with?

Oh, what was that? You know that one when you dislocate your nose? No. But you don't really. You just do this. Oh. So what you do is you do your thumbnail on the back of your big tooth. And then you look as if you're dislocating your nose.

So you have to trust me at home. So this is what it sounds like. So I taught it. Oh man, he loved it. Did he love it? He loved it. Has he been trying it out now? It's like when I taught him, you know the Eric Morecambe brown paper bag trick? Oh, great

fun. You throw a thing up in the air and then flick it and it looks like it's landing in the bag. Oh, I don't know that one either. This is the great thing about having a child. in the air and then flick it. It looks like it's landing in the bag. Oh, I don't know that one either. This is the great thing about having a char. It's all the old stuff suddenly is fresh. Shall I show it? Shall I show it using a bag of crisps? Here we go. There we go. Hey!

It's absolutely brilliant. It is brilliant. It's really good fun. Oh, I love that. And I'm looking, I'm on the lookout and maybe our readers can help us with this. I'm on the lookout for games to play at Christmas. Oh, okay. We've already got the razor blade in the pyramid. Yes.

Sharpening, that's already sharpening. But you don't mean other little, like... I'm going to carve the turkey with a razor blade. You don't mean other little mini illusions? No, I mean like a proper... You don't want a board game. I hate to tell you Frank, but you know there is a board game called Santa versus Jesus.

You are joking. I'm really sorry. Is there really? Yes, there is. God forbid. It's believers versus non-believers. Well, we won't be getting that. Okay. Not even for the potential win. Yeah, I can prove this once and for all.

Yeah, it's a real winner takes all. Throw everything on one last throw of the dice. Oh, my goodness. Well, I had a game of catch with him the other week. You're in your modern games. Brilliant catch. Oh, yeah. Have you played it recently?

The sense of anticipation. It's all right, yeah., yeah. You played it recently. The sense of anticipation. It's all right, yeah. And achievement when you do it. When they spin one a bit wrong and you still catch it. Hmm. Better than Hamilton. Better. That's all I'm saying.

That's my standard thing. Do you do the forehead detective game then? You know when you write the names down and stick it on the head? Oh, yeah. I once played that with Sir Elton John and David Furnish at his villa in Nice. This is when Frank's anecdotes sound like made-up stories but are true.

No, no, that's completely true. And Elton John had Bobby Crush was his yellow sticky on his forehead. It was the sort of 70s... Sort of impersonator musician. Low rent. He wasn't impersonator. Oh, was he not?

I don't think so. Okay. Anyway, here's one. Now, this is something I remember doing. You know the scientists who found this? You know yay science, as I like to call it? Yeah. Who cleared up the pyramid theory.

I remember again, now you must remember this, a person sits in a chair, four people all around. Hang on, it's all... No, it's not that one. Get the car keys out. Yeah. Get the PVC out.

Four people press on the top of that person's head as hard as they can. Right. So all four people really pressing down on their head. So they have to tense their neck muscles. Then at the count of three, you take your hands off your head, and then each of the people, one of them puts an index finger under the armpit, the other one, other armpit, one under the back of the knee, other one. So that's the four people.

And they just lift the person up in the air with their four index fingers. Even if the person's like 20 stone. Wow. Have you never seen it done? I've never seen it done, but I can't wait till brunch today. Honestly, it works. Let's do it.

You can lift the person with your index finger as long as you press down on their head. I'll let you guys do it on me over brunch. It'd be great for the social media. Okay. Let's not be on armpit duty. Are we trying to sit? Maybe I'll just do it on my own.

It's all right, I'll take this ring off first. Frank. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily, Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215.

Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've got a lot of different stuff going on and you were just... Speak for yourself. Yeah. You were just discussing Christmas games that you'd like to play that I believe, even though we didn't specify

I believe you wanted kit free. I want Parlor. Parlor games. Ray Parlor. Yeah. 778 has texted, we are having an open house today, no phones or Xbox, memory games,

random stuff on a tray, one minute, cover it with a towel, then whoever remembers wins a Lucky Dip prize. I like that. Sounds good. Basic as well.

Very basic. You're very country fair with a Y. Sort of Lucky Dip, Frank. Very much your brand. Sort of Lucky Dip, Frank. Very much your brand. I like Lucky Dip, that's good. Boz did a Lucky Dip at his school the other week at the Christmas Fair. And he thought he'd won...

When he opened it, it was a plastic macaron. Oh, yeah. You know the popular cake? Yeah. And I thought that's a bit... I could see he was a bit disappointed. So we went home with a plastic macaron. Two or three hours, in the end, he was, you know,

he'd just given up on it. And he picked it up, and it opened, and there was a set of earphones inside. No way. Who knew? We could have kept that as a plastic macaron inside. No way. Who knew? We could have kept that as a plastic macaron forever. Not knowing.

Not knowing that they were in there. So that's it. We're lucky. Dig deep. Make sure you're getting I played Secret Santa once. You know the Secret Santa? We had one of those. What did you get by people? Took a day and a half. This is when I worked at GCHQ.

So happy with that. He is very pleased with himself. What about the monkey and the organ grinder? Pardon? That's a nice cop. That's a Christmas game you play. I don't know that one. Well, you ask a question, essentially.

So if Frank is the organ grinder and you're the monkey, I ask Frank questions and he answers according to what he thinks you'll say. Oh, OK. Do you see? Oh, I see. It's a bit like that radio. Remember me and you did a radio show? Yes, exactly that.

What was that called? Was it the monkey and the organ grinder? It's not who you know. It's not who you know, yeah. And I had to guess what Frank's answer would be. So I say... Oh, that's fun. I'll ask you now, Frank, on behalf of Monkey as the organ grinder. Monkey,

what do you think is your best physical quality? My legs. Is this about me? Yeah, that's about you. Oh, I don't... No, he's answering it. Oh, I don't... No, he's answering it. Oh, this game is a disaster. I just had a terrible game.

Scrub that. Frank thinks his legs are good, but he doesn't think I think my legs are good. I've never seen your legs, so I don't know. Well, this is what's awkward now. I would say... I'm lacking calf muscles. I don't think you liked Ask the Monkey and the Organ Grinder.

You didn't really grasp it, did you? No, I... Disaster. I'm not grinding my organ at the organ grinder. You didn't really grasp it, did you? Disaster. I'm not grinding my organ at the Christmas party. Can I make a suggestion that does involve a little bit of kit? Oh, yeah. Would it involve, let's say, a plastic macaron? No.

Okay. But myself and my children have recently been enjoying Top Trumps, which feels like it could be very festive. You know, go easy on the sprouts. But, no, no. Oh, no. But genuinely, Top Trumps, if you get the right one that is, you know,

it can be informative and educational and fun. Dinosaurs, brilliant. But again, it's kit. It's only the size of a packet of cards. Listen, all I ask... Well, it is a packet of cards. That's why it's the same size. I mean, it's not like you're bringing in...

That's not a coincidence. It's not like you've got to take a scale extract with you or something. It's just, you know, it's quite portable. Look, all I ask is that there are children present when games are played. I will not tolerate games without children. It's weird. Oh, God, have you had a twister at a party incident? No, I just think people in their 40s,

oh, I've got a six, come on. Oh, right, yeah, yeah. Talk. I can see you playing bridge, though, with neighbours. Oh, do you know, I would love that. Yeah, I can see you. We had a thing come through our door the other day, learn to play bridge. Maybe I should do that.

That's so a swingers thing, isn't it? Oh, okay. He's piecing this together. Thinking I would play it and now I'm a swinger. Yeah, what that bridge is going to be spanning, I shudder. I cheddar to think.

As they say, is that, what's Alex? Is it Alex James from Blur? I bet he says I cheddar to think. Cheddar to think, as they say. Is it Alex James from Blur? I bet he says cheddar to think. I bet he does lots of stuff like that. Oh, yeah. Oh, dare he leave me, I bet he says. Oh, man, can you imagine? I don't give a damn.

Yeah, I bet he does that. I bet he does that I bet he does Skinner Dean and Cochran together the Frank Skinner Show well 772

is suggesting consequences but I think in the current climate I don't know what that is oh it's when you have to like to dare everyone has a list it. Everyone has a list. It says everyone has a list. You start with

boy's name, fold it over, pass it on. Girl's name, fold it over, pass it on. It's already very popular. You can't do this. Where they met, fold it over, pass it on. What he said to her, then what she said to him. These are all the wrong pronouns for 2018.

Exactly. And finally, the consequence was, and everyone all the wrong pronouns for 2018. Exactly. And finally, and the consequence was, and everyone reads theirs out, it's great fun. Yeah, in court is where they read them out. Your Honour, Hunter has tweeted us. What, from, what was he called, I think? Gladiator. Gladiator. Yeah, that's brilliant if you're a team.

I don't think it is. Bound to be a personal trainer now. Yeah. I think that's the career. You know, like footballers all used to buy a pub. I think gladiators all become PTs. Well, it's not until everybody becomes personal trainers now. They're everywhere.

Well, Hunter, I don't think it is the actual Hunter because he's not got a... His avatar is a... It's an egg, essentially. So he says, a messy game... Is he one of those egg hunts? He's got the wrong season. He's got the default setting, the silhouette. He says, a messy game, or she,

is the flower coin game. Pack flower tightly in a bowl and invert on a surface. OK. Then place a 50p or 10p, Al, vertically in the middle of the mound. Vertically? Yeah. You with me?

In the middle of the mound. Sticking in. Oh, hang on. The flour is the powder flour. Yeah. Oh, OK. All right, Ray Liotta. I saw it with a W.

Flour. The game is to cut slices in turns until everything collapses. Oh. Last slicer has to retrieve the 50p by mouth. Like messy Jenga, in a way. You got it. We used to play...

We played a game like that where you'd get a beer glass and you'd stretch the... You know the sort of... The thin membrane that you get in cigarette packets on the back of a silver paper. Stretch that over the top. Then put a coin in the middle and then you had to burn bits with your cigarette.

Yeah. And try it. It's a different... I mean, it's not really a family party game. In many ways. It's got to be B&H bars. Yeah. Charming. Well, it's. 20 B&H bars. Yeah. Charming.

Well, it's the same size as Top and Trump's. Top and Trump's, 20 B&H. When you suggest that and people go, I think we should play Consequences,

to be honest. Yeah. Consequences, bronchitis. I'm pissed. I love it when people text us and say, as in the case of 532, I'm a long-time reader of the podcast, stuck with you through the ballet link and everything. Well remembered.

Well remembered. That was our lowest moment. Yeah. But stick around. No, he wanted to know, actually, you're wondering whatever happened to Tonton O'Mell Cherie. I seem to remember one reader bought a T-shirt with his name on it and he's never been mentioned again. Yeah. He hasn't been disposed of.

Yes, in case for any new listeners, there was a man in the West Midlands. This was when I lived in the West Midlands. And he decided that, I don't know what it was based on, but he decided he wasn't going to swear anymore. So he came up with some of his own words, like taunting and jaking and various words. Was it frapping?

Yeah, he was in the car once and somebody was blasting their horn and he said, who's a frat in papping? But someone was mocking him for being unattractive at work and he said, well,

you ain't no taunting Omo Sharif. No, Omo Sheriff was what he said. Yeah, Sheriff. You ain't no taunting O Sharif. And, no, Omar Sheriff was what he said. Yeah, Sheriff. You ain't no taunting Omar Sheriff yourself. And he meant Omar Sharif. Yeah. Sorry, I completely, I just couldn't be bothered to tell it again.

Simple as that. I just fell away. You've got so many old stories. I know. A lot of old jokes. Yeah, you ain't no taunting Omar Sheriff, was what he said. Miley Cyrus has been in the news this week because apparently she's like pals with Dolly Parton,

but they're not pen pals or in a WhatsApp group. I believe she's the goddaughter of Dolly Parton. She is. Oh, is she? Her godmother, yeah. I did not pick that up from the story. I don't keep on top of Miley Cyrus news. I should get an alert, really.

Yeah, I wondered where that was going. But they communicate by fax. Yeah. Apparently. Wow. Yeah. And the paper calls it acute communication. It's a throwback to a mobile free time,

mobile phone free time, I should say, really. Could I go and buy a fax machine today? Oh, I imagine so. I don't mean on eBay, I mean from a shop. In a real shop. That might be trickier. That's brilliant.

It is, isn't it? I suppose she sends them, because if I remember rightly, Dolly Parton works traditional office hours. Oh, I am. So I'm guessing that's why she's using the fax machine. I think she does. Al's not getting it. She works traditional office hours.

We got there in the end. For service and devotion. Barely gets by, I hear. But she gets these hand-signed faxes and she says she has to send it to someone who then digitalises it for her phone so that she can read it. How lovely, though.

How lovely that Dolly Parton contacts her like that. And how lovely that she's got the kind of staff that can turn that into something she can handle. I had Cilla Black on Room 101 once, and she faxes people. Does she? And I said, well, why do you still fax? And she said, I don't have the Wi-Fi.

So I thought that is about as old a person's thing as you could possibly say. God bless her. Step inside love let me show you the way. I didn't know the Muppets was on this. Frank, she also, Dolly,

I think I might have heard this somewhere else, but you know she sends cassettes as well. Does she? She sends voice because I think she might have read this somewhere else, but, you know, she sends cassettes as well. Does she? Yeah. Does she? She sends voice, because I think, you know, she sort of coaches her with voice-related things. Does she?

Yes. She said, and Miley did say, she'll send me a cassette, because she only sort of operates in cassettes, and then Miley has to get one of her staff to burn a CD. Wow. Remember that?

Burning CDs? Wow, yeah. Isn't that what the Nazis did? That was books. That was books. That was books. Sorry, everyone. I was going to say,

that was ahead of their time, the Nazis burning CDs. I like these stories, but I'm predisposed to it. I use an old-fashioned communication method, me to my children. I use shouting. Oh, yeah.

You know, shouting and anger. Yeah. There are older methods, of course, but they're not so fashionable now that the slap. Goodness me. No. Fully gone. I'd like to think that Miley still sends letters, formal letters, because it's a shame to waste a tongue like that, isn't it?

Because licking the old envelope, I mean, she'd be brilliant. She wouldn't even have to stoop. It'd just dart out like a lizard tongue under the envelope. Brilliant. Can I just say, great choice of godparent as well. No children. Why do you think I've got five love? Oh, that's a good idea, isn't it?

We get busy. If you've got no kids, you get booked up with those activities. We've got children. Oh, that's a good idea, isn't it? We get busy. If you've got no kids, you get booked up with those activities. We've got children. Oh. Yeah, you see? You're starting to think about it now. Yeah. You see?

OK. I'm glad now we went for a Reginald Cry. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I do a little bit of a civic duty? We don't always see these. They sometimes come in midweek. But I've got an email.

Frank's walk on music. Good morning, Frank and team. I'm a long-time listener, first-time emailer. Earlier in the year, Frank played a piece of music. He walks on stage two when on tour. I've lost the link on my PC and it's doing my head in. Could you please tell me again? I think it was a female artist.

It would put my mind to rest. It would be like Frank's stylus moment as I've been trying to find this artist for weeks. Can you remember that? Yes, it's a track called Nautilus by Anna Meredith. There you go, Rob. It is a fabulous piece of music. Great.

I always think when I come on to it, you know people like to come on to stuff that really lifts the crowd. I'd say there's a strong sense of foreboding in it, but that's all right. Didn't you used to come on to a fall song about quakes? I used to come on to Container Drive at Spinal Four. But no, I still come on to Nautilus by Anna Meredith. Excellent. Check out Anna Meredith.

She's a major talent. We were talking about line dancing off air just then because we were discussing Billy Ray's daughter. You know Billy Ray's daughter? Yeah. Because Miley's dad wrote and, well, performed, I presume he wrote it, the great line dance anthem, Achy Breaky Heart.

Yeah. Which, when you say in the cold light, can you imagine someone saying, his wife has left him, I've got a bit of an achy, breaky heart. Or worse, for anyone. It's that suffering bereavement of some sort. Yeah, probably want a Rennie.

Since your partner died. Oh, achy, breaky heart. Oh, achy, breaky. But yeah. So, yeah, I'm quite... You're a fan, aren't you? I used to go line dancing in Hendon at one point. I thought you were going to say Kentucky State Fair or something.

Lionel Blair taught me to line dance. He did. So many showbiz stories. Yeah. That's ridiculous. Lionel Blair. Well, what, Elton John with Bobby Crush stuck on his forehead

was not ridiculous, but this is. No, Lionel Blair, he had a DVD out called Line All Dancing. That is good. In which he talked about, and he showed me some major moves.

Brilliant. And how was it? It was great. I mean, that's, it was Blair, he was my enabler, Lionel Blair, that got me into the hole. Really? And I once went to the Grand Old Opry in Glasgow, and there was a lot of line dancing going on, some top-notch line dancing.

In Glasgow? Yeah. Who knew? Yeah, so... Are they busy? Is there a big queue to get in at the line dancing? Yeah, but it's a hell of a queue. That's it, why bother going in?

Once you're in the queue, you might as well just do it. Just bring your iPod and go for it. You could come in line dancing. That would be great. Why bother going in? Once you're in the queue, you might as well just do it. Just bring your iPod and go for it. Yeah. You could come in line dancing. That would be great. People actually line dancing to the venue. Yeah, why wait? Ladies' toilets.

My achy, breaky bladder. Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what, Miley Cyrus, I think you'll agree, is a very, very attractive young woman. Stone Cold Fox. Yeah. Stunner.

But I think it says something about where I am in my life that when I saw her naked on the wrecking ball video my first thought was what my mum used to say but if you sit on cold surfaces you'll get emeroids that was my first I mean I've gone I've lost yeah well I'm like I think of the practicalities when I see people for a night out in a bralette. I think, where is everything? Where's your bag and your coat? But she's got people. And she goes from one heated interior to another, let's be honest.

I do remember I had the idea of the helium balloon with your possessions. Oh, that's a great idea. Just tie it on the bra strap. I love that idea, Frank. I had an idea. This is a frustrating thing. Do you ever have an idea for something and think, oh, this is... And then you think,

I suppose I'd better have a look on the internet to see if anyone else has thought of it. And then some people have done it really badly, have thought of it. You have to abandon it. Oh, what is it? So I thought it would be a great... Painting sunflowers

a great Christmas decoration do I like people who painted sunflowers yeah yeah exactly a great Christmas decoration would be

Miley Cyrus sitting on a Christmas globe wrecking balls come on that's the one so I looked and like about ten people have done it,

but, like, with rubbishy cut-out... They haven't even done it with, like, a little model Miley Cyrus. Oh, no. So that killed that. That's a shame. I thought if I could get really, really tiny Miley Cyrus figures, I could do a string of them on goldfish poo. Oh, yeah. You know, you get do a string of them on goldfish poo. Oh, yeah.

You know, you get those little things hanging off a goldfish that are like individual globules. It's a long time since I've been watching goldfish this closely. What's he been up to this week? Busy man. Anyway, if there's any Miley fans listening, you can have that. I think the snow globe conceit is a lovely one, but I agree it's all in the execution.

It is. It is. That's what I said to Gary Gilmore. Google it. So, um... She got called the twerk queen in the article I read. That's gone, hasn't it? Twerking?

Has it gone? I don't know. That disappeared with Robin Thicke. According to this, she's still twerking royalty. She's the twerk queen. She's twerking royalty? Is that an adjective or verb? She's no taunting Omer Sharif.

No, it was a big thing, wasn't it, the twerking? It was. But it was all in the Robin Thicke days. It's all changed now. What's happened to Robin Thicke? He was sued, didn't he? He's got some financial woes. Stuff to sort out.

The estate of Marvin Gaye, I believe. That's right, yeah. Oh, yes. Breaking news here on Absolute Beauty. No, no. VHS shot as well, right? Now you've come to mention it, yeah? Yeah.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Thicke-o. Is that his nickname? I think so, yeah. I hope so. I went to school with a few people with nickname? I think so, yeah. I hope so. I went to school with a few people with the same nickname. Yeah, exactly.

The weird thing was they weren't even... Anyway. Frank, whatever happened to calling people thick? I think that's gone. Not allowed? No, that's definitely gone. Hold on. Still alive and well when I'm driving, let me tell you.

No, yes. Oh, yeah. What's this bloke doing? That's my standard thing doing that's my standard thing i don't say bloke but what's this doing man sometimes i say that do you do the um the passive aggressive angry clap i've seen men do that oh well not oh well done oh well done mate yeah great no I try not to do that

in case just in case I see them at the services so this is it's actually the last link of uh 2018 yeah for us which is a bit of a shocker and also the last ever ever link that we do with the producer of this show daisy knight who has been with us since he absolutely it's nine and a half years now you get less for murder yeah you get less for murder. I'm trying to think.

Let me see if there's a suitable... If you don't mind me borrowing this, Emily. No. Yes, I took her to dinner once when she was pregnant and she ordered a goat's cheese salad and the waiter said, I don't think so. You're not supposed to have soft cheese when you're pregnant and i thought god i'm glad i mean what if she hadn't been pregnant that would have just been the worst thing that's ever happened to anyone

but it was wise advice from that man so that was brilliant so yeah so um i mean it's and daisy was here from just the absolute when we, we did tryouts at the beginning. It was terrible. It was just me and Emily and we just... Yeah, we just talked about the old days. Obviously, that's stopped. Let's see if I can do... Daisy's leaving. Didn't quite work, but, you know.

Neely. Yeah, exactly. Neely is what it's all about. Of course, this time next year when Daisy gets mentioned, I'll be playing... Whatever happens. But I must say, she's done an absolutely amazing job. And as I said on my thank you card, I'm not the easiest.

So, well done. Thank you, Daisy. I'm not the easiest. So, well done. Thank you, Daisy. And good luck on rock and roll football. Which you're not leaving. What about?

We'll leave it there. We'll say no more about that. Not the easiest, remember that. No, exactly. Your words. Oh, the mats, they're lovely to work for. Absolute joy. But, you know, where's their awards?

Any roads? So, for the next two, for the next two, this is a bit lovely, isn't it? For the next two, I'm just hitting any jingle come on for the next two Saturdays you can listen to the best of the Frank Skinner show from 8 till 11am so the show continues

but in quintessential form so really all the stuff you listen to on this show and you're on the verge of turning over and then something good happens, all that will be gone. Are you editing these, Daisy?

No, she couldn't be bothered. We are a dot in the rearview mirror, I think it's fair to say. So they'll be available to download also as podcasts. I mean, and this is the greatest hit, so if you've just joined, then you'll work out why this programme is so much loved.

I remember telling you last year, I love the best ofs, because it's just full of the good stuff. It's really good. By definition, the best ofs are of that, yes. Extraordinary. Really liked it. So yeah, so the next two weeks is best ofs, and then we're back in January, God willing. You know what?

A really bad winter could see me off at my age. Let's face it. So, and then... Happy Christmas, everyone. And then Sarah, our assistant producer, will be the producer next year. So one door shuts and another door opens. Are you like Alan Sugar at the Amstrad Christmas party? Exactly. producer will be the producer next year so one door shuts and another door opens exactly so that that'll be lovely that's it that's um yes goodbye daisy and thank you for

everything love you yes thank you so much um for listening all this year in fact listen to the best of next week and we'll be back in January if the good Lord spares us and the crates don't rise. Be seeing you. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner?

Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.