The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Away Shirt of Bread

Episode Date: March 23, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has many questions about sandwiches. The team also discuss the latest hot fashion trend and Alun has a new reading life hack.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Aaron... Aaron Cochran. I'll take it. Alan didn't make it this week. I'll take it. I'm just happy to get on. What if you had a brother called Aaron? That would be complicated. You can text our little show on 81215,

follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. The Lord Mayor show has gone by, it feels like, doesn't it, after our spectacular anniversary show last week. Your telethon style epic. I didn't get any cake, nor did Aaron. No, no. You got chips though, didn't get any cake, nor did Aaron. No, no. Got chips though, didn't we?

Matt Ford got some cake. Yeah, and I had some Savoy. I tried some Savoy. Matt Ford had some Savoy. Did he? Yeah, he had Savoy and cake. I think he used the Savoy as a sort of a fork. He left it on the face of cake.

Yeah, so it was a splendid time was that we had six hours fled by didn't we didn't we really did guests and then I mean

Tolkien yeah Tolkien told of it he wasn't I was straight from doing a Lord of the Rings personal appearances

to Joe Tolkien's here this morning Straight from doing a Lord of the Rings personal appearances tour. Joe Tolkien's here this morning. Yes, thank you very much. I imagine he wouldn't be a great radio guest. Right, no. Oh, he's clever, though. Very.

Clever. Good Anglo-Saxonist. Is that right? I can imagine he's the sort of person you'd get on with, actually. Yeah, I think so. He lived in Birmingham. I think he was from Birmingham, wasn't he? I don't know. I'm not really a Tolkien skisk. But

Tolkien heads, of course, that Alan Bennett thing about his sculpting years. Mm-hmm. Aaron Bennett. It was great, though. In case you just tuned in, we celebrated our 10-year anniversary last year.

Yeah. Last week. And, you know, Lord Haw-Haw only did six years on the radio. And he, you could say, is a radio ledge. It's good that we started with the obscure references already. Yeah. Well, Lord Haw-Haw was a... Well, he was officially a traitor.

He broadcast... Traitor Blunt. He broadcast on behalf of socialist Germany during the Second World War. He was Irish. 8.09 on Absolute Radio commercial radio. But I had to listen. As part of my whole 10th anniversary thing

I had to listen to his last ever show to see if he could you know Lord Haw Haw yeah oh that's nice yeah

good for him he had he had Tim Key on as well it's delightful the level of detail that you go to really sets you apart

he's properly drunk was he drunk was he yeah you could hear him saying you don't know Germany.

I mean, it was very, very... It's so weird. I loved it. We used to get drunk on the radio. Oh, the 90s. I was drunk on last week, so I just didn't tell any of you. I just kept it quiet.

Can I say, Lord Haw Haw's last broadcast on YouTube, 195 thumbs up, 35 thumbs down. The people have spoken. Is that right? Yeah. Still populist. Still packing them in. I'm just going to write down what's Lord Ho Ho YouTube.

It's great for that, though, isn't it? Yeah, but then he'll know, Al, because he'll see 36 thumbs down, and he'll know. No, you never know. He might like it. It's quite, the drunkenness is quite comical. You can't watch that. Oh, tell me about it. The drunkenness is quite comical. You can't watch him. Oh, tell me about Germany.

It's radio. It's radio, sorry. I see. Have a look at that. And then check out Oliver Reed on the Walking Out. I won't say what he said, but he was rude to a feminist. Was he? Yeah, he told her to be quiet and he commented on a part of her anatomy.

Okay? That is what happened. No, I remember that. Yes, OK, thank you very much, yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, so I did that and then I did... I did the rock and roll football. They weren't drunk.

No. Only on life. Drunk on football. And then I did Andy Bush to close the ten hours. An hour with Andy Bush. So you did ten hours in total. Now, Andy Bush, I've discovered, having done his show, stands up for the whole thing.

Does he? Yeah. Standy Bush, I call him. Yeah, he does, because he looked at me in a bit like, you know, what are you doing with that seat? And I thought, no, mate, forget about it. So hang on, were you sitting and he was standing? It was.

It's a bit Stringfellows. Or interrogation. I did put a £5 note in his belt loop. But if he was firing questions at you, is it not like CIA interrogation? Well, I wouldn't say Andy Bush was firing questions at me. He didn't suddenly, you know that thing when the Nazis, when they turn away and then suddenly slap them across the face?

He didn't do any of that. Did he say, did you order the cold red? Yeah, yeah. So, well, I'm glad you didn't put the money in the belt. I know. Five, eh? Yeah. That was all.

Can't put coins in there, can you? It's not right. He had to ask. You can't put coins in there, can you? It's not right. He had tasks. I could have put them in his pocket. Well, we can't put coins in there, Albert. I don't know whether you might set a precedent. It would have been patronising. But no, it was...

Actually, didn't you really enjoy it? Yeah. It's going to be weird. I've been riding high all week. It's going to be weird doing three hours. Three hours feels like a drop in the ocean. Almost pointless, isn't it? Well, it's not that popular.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Have we heard from the world outside? We have, Frank. Prisoner 884 is in the New Forest on a little break and they've noticed the reptile centre is very close. Prisoner 884 is in the New Forest on a little break, and they've noticed the reptile centre is very close. Oh, yeah. I know Frank had problems finding it and went back.

No, I didn't. Was that in the New Forest I couldn't find it? Yes. You're not going to know. I thought it was something like Gloucestershire. Okay. Definitely there was a reptile place. There are two reptile centres in the UK? Extraordinary.

It could be more than one. I don't see us as being internationally known for our reptile population. I'd say on that subject... Did you ever find it? No. I would love to hear from anyone with a thumbs up or thumbs down. I pass a place. I would love to hear from anyone with a thumbs up or thumbs down. I pass a place. When I drive back from Cheltenham, where my mother-in-law lives,

I pass a place. I call her my mother-in-law. It's not official. There's a place called World of Crocodiles. Oh. I mean, I'm hoping it's not bags and shoes. I'm thinking it's... I'm thinking it's not bags and shoes. I'm thinking it's... I'm thinking it's... And I wonder if anyone's...

I think it's called World of Crocodiles. It's something like that. Not a world of leather. Yes, exactly. But, no, it's got... I'm sure it's got... Yes. I'd love to know if it's worth stopping off.

8, 12, 15. And make his nappy, yeah? Hey, come on! Come on. I wonder why they've added the of, which I think feels slightly gratuitous. Just because they're Crocodile World. They've created a world of crocodiles.

Maybe the whole thing you go into like a big mouth when you go into the thing. It's like entering a... I'm guessing, I haven't been there. It's a whole new world. Yeah, it is. Yeah. I like the sound of it. We've also heard from a lot of people

who are very excited about buying Frank Skinner tickets. Come on! I mean, they're everywhere, these people. Am I right in thinking you're returning to treading the boards? I am. Yeah? I am. Well, I've been treading the boards? I am. Yeah? I am. Well, I've been treading the boards, but I've been doing it, as you know,

for a long time I did it in an improvised comedy kind of a way. And now I'm doing it in a stand-up comedian. Absolutely now improv. Back on the road. Well, there'll be a bit of improv. I'm not kidding. But I've got something to fall back on, whereas before I just fell back on my bony old backside.

Oh, goodness. Well... You know, when you go onto road, do you have an 18 van? Or how do you get around you people? Well, nowadays, I've just done some gigs around the place, and it was just us in a Mercedes-Benz. OK, us being you and the tour manager.

Yeah. It depends whether I go Support Act or not. That's the other vote today. Oh, should you? Well, was that a theory? On the very rare occasions I've watched my own Support Act, there's often a lot of empty seats because people

would rather drink than watch a support act and the theatre would rather people drank than watch a support act so it's a complicated thing

but then it's nice to have a bit of company we've had an email entitled hooray and an exclamation mark just in case Frank doesn't check his email.

Ever so slightly excited, have just booked tickets for Frank's show in Jersey in December. At least you can guarantee one avid reader of the show and a long-suffering partner at the gig. Bergerac. Okay. Bergerac, that's it. Could have given that bit a positive spin.

Remember when it started off, Ever so slightly exciting, yeah. I won't be using any of this on the poster. It continues. Let me know if you fancy a cuppa, and if you're bringing the family, let me know, and I can advise you on things to visit on our beautiful island. Got any reptile-based? Frank's passions are mainly reptile-based.

There might be some reptiles that are exclusive to Jersey. I'll tell you what... Yeah. Well, actually, it finishes... Beautifully read. That was so painful. It's assaulted my ears, that app. I was waiting to hear... And then you had to repeat it.

And then it says, Jerry, our native language. I don't understand. Well, they speak French, don't they? Oh, I see. It wasn't that complex. I thought it was like a Jersey French. No, I'm glad you didn't recognise it as French. I thought they'd come from a high bridge.

There probably is a Jersey French with a sort of... Yes. Like Quebecois or whatever. Yeah, exactly. Sort of like that. We've also got Lee Wilshire. Attention must be paid to him, who says,

Expletive to taking the kids trick-or-treating, we've got front row tickets to see Frank Skinner. Oh, dear. Well, I mean, I don't start till... They've got time to trick-or-treat. Yeah. No, they've probably got the tickets for then, for that date. Yeah, I know, but they can go treat. Yeah. They probably got the tickets for then, for that date.

Yeah, I know, but they can go early. OK. It gets dark. That means you won't come to the Halloween party. Oh, gutted. Am I playing that? I must look at my dates. OK.

Anyway, it's all very exciting. And thank anyone who's bought tickets, thank you so much. And there'll be jokes. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We have had some feedback about the crocodile, was it Crocodile World? Or World of Crocodiles. World of Crocodiles.

Oh, yeah. 551 has messaged us, crocodiles of the world, well worth a visit. Oh, Crocodiles of the World. Is that what it is? Yes, we've got a picture of Lily at Crocodiles of the World. Oh, OK. And it's recommended?

Recommended. They have a website and there was a TV show on how it started years ago. I don't know. How did it start? Someone brought a crocodile over. Big wow. Crocodile just turned up with a couple of other crocodiles

Big Wow respect to Mundo for Big Wow okay it's a little babyish there was three crocodiles just doing the local club circuit and this bloke said

how do you fancy a resident yeah that's what it's called I knew it had something special so it's the world world

when you say something special crocodiles of the world but that is quite a thing. If you went in there and said, have you got any from Uranus? No, no. It's of the world.

He had to go that one, didn't he? He had all the planets. I've cleaned it up. Okay, you have. You did, darling. Fair play. I think that would be a lovely name for your tour. I've cleaned it up.

My tour is called... What's it called? Shobbies. Shobbies? Is it? Oh, I love that. Is there no business like? I've cleaned it up. My tour is called Showbiz. Showbiz. Is it? Oh, I love that. Is there no business like? I don't think there is, is there?

Well, I don't know. Secondhand furniture, I always think. Yeah, similar. Got a zing to it. I mention that because I went to see The Price this week. The Price? It's an Arthur Miller play with David Suchet. I thought it was a game show for a moment.

I had a fabulous thing. I was having dinner before the show with my sister-in-law. She's not actually my sister-in-law. I call her that. And her sister-in-law. She actually is her sister-in-law, Liz. And we were having dinner before. Yeah.

And David Suchet's in the play. And they said, I don't know anything about this. I haven't, at least. And we were at dinner before. Yeah. And David Suchet's in the play, and they said, I don't know anything about this, but I haven't looked it, I haven't Googled it or anything like that. I said, well, just Suchet and see. I was so happy with myself. I mean, you know, it's little things like that that gave me a buoyancy for the rest of the evening. You see, David Suchet is famously,

he's a real British method actor, isn't he? Is he? Yes, when he does Poirot, apparently he goes to the catering truck and says, excuse me, I would love the saucisson and the fruit. Oh, OK. He doesn't actually speak French. A little bit like what is Belgique.

But he is very in character and he will only speak in a very strong French accent. Well, I knew the woman who did his moustache on Poirot. Stop name dropping. That was her specialist thing. Was she literally a person that people could say of her she had one job, you had one job? She did his make-up generally, but obviously his

make-up was basically, once you took the shine off him, you're basically just, it's the tash, that's the thing. Yeah. And when... Monocle! Oh, we found another Monocle wearer, sorry. And when it ended, he bought her, like, a lovely big

version of the moustache for her wall. That's nice. I think it was a wall or even all the front grid of her car. I can't remember. November. Lovely big Poirot moustache. I thought that was a nice touch. You didn't think so?

I'd love to just souche over to the moustache. Oh yeah, so listen, let me tell you about this because I went with Rachel, my sister-in-law, yeah? Oh, to the price. To see this play.

And it's brilliant. Wonderful play. I'd recommend it. And Susha, he's fab. And he, at the interval, so there's three of us, so Rachel says okay, what do you think?

I said, oh, it's great. She said, I think it's brilliant. I think it's like it's so me, I love it. I said, oh great, well I'm loving it as well. She said, what about you Liz? She said, yeah, I really like it as well. She said, okay then, so I like it most. I'm like number one like it the most. Then it's you, Frank.

I said, I don't know if we need to do a league. She said, no, but that is. I'm loving it more than you two. I said, well, I am loving it. And she said, no, I just, but I am loving it most. I said, well, you're okay. At the moment, you're loving it most. Anyway, we then, we had some ice cream.

And then the second half started. So it was, again, it got even more brilliant in the second half. So I thought she's going to got even more brilliant in the second half. Oh, yeah. So I thought she's going to be uncontainable at the end. So at the end of it, it was Stan Innovation all round. And I said to her, what did you think of that? And she turned to me and she, do you know who Maz Kanat is?

She's a creature in the new Star Wars films that wears big goggles. When she takes them off, her eyes are like tiny little. And she looked at me with eyes like that, and I thought, what's happened? I said, have you been crying? Because it was quite emotional. And she said, no. She said, I slept for most of the second half.

Wow. So like I just said, it was the best thing. So I got the bus home on my own, half. What? It was the best thing. So, I got the bus home on my own and I was one of those people. I got a seat to myself because I laughed all the way home on my own.

On the bus. It was the biggest turnaround. Yeah, I love this. I love this more than you guys. Very. Oh, man. So here's the thing. Go on.

I have been, I have become, I've just showed the gang here my first attempt at social media. Yeah. Not my first attempt, but for the tour they said, look, you've got to be on social media. Yeah. So my first attempt, but for the tour they said, look, you've got to be on social media. Yeah.

So you're playing the game, yeah? It comes to us all, dear. I'm playing the game. Playing the game. And I said, what for? And they said, because you've got to tell people why they should come and see your show,

which is such... Do you remember, Al, I don't know if you've been doing Edinburgh, but there was a time when I first used to go to Edinburgh when you'd literally see groups of young, enthusiastic people singing a song that went, come and see our show, come and see our show.

And I thought, can I just do that? And then I didn't feel so good about it. So I had to give reasons for people to come and see my show yeah like you know Shelter

it's the sort of viral pitch isn't it yeah if it's about autumn you might be glad of viral pitch

is a good description I call it viral pitch oh it's a viral pitch is it I've just made that up but I like it it's very effective one thing I started

thinking about was the seating you know well it needs to be comfy for me to come no but you know well I've just made that up, but I like it. It's very effective, I think. One thing I started thinking about was the seating. You know... Well, it needs to be comfy for me to come. No, but you know... Well, I've not heard good things about Hull Arena's seating. Apparently very uncomfortable. Is that right?

That's what I've heard. Oh, am I playing there? I don't think you are. I think you're doing a different... Okay, well, that's probably why. I mean, my audience, they need a bit of comfort. Do you know what you should have called your tour? Am I playing there?

Yeah, I know. I mean, you're like Streisand. It's all right. What about if Andy Bush comes in the front row standing up? He could accidentally lead an ovation every night. He should sit at the back, really, if he's going to stand throughout. Is it? It's only fair.

I'm now turning to Sarah, our producer. Yeah. The others, as I like to call them, the people that work... I can say rock and roll football don't stand up. No. No. I mean, I might have got mad to stand up. 40's not a stand-up.

If I'd thrown a Savalai high enough... Stop it! It'd have took it out the air like a dog catching a frisbee. Some kind of fishing rod contraption. You know when they feed the seals? Why, 40? Fuck. No, but is it the norm, Sarah?

No, some do, but not many. What's the percentages? I'll get back to you. Okay, we're going to work that out. Apparently, it makes you sound like you've got more energy. That's why we don't do it. We haven't got energy, not at my age, dear. Imagine the 20th anniversary, I'm doing it on two sticks.

Awful. Like the old ballet master in those Degas paintings. I was thinking about theatre seats, though. Wouldn't it be a good thing in one's home to have seats that when you got up, they flapped up like that? Think of the extra room you'd have. Well, that's quite fashionable, isn't it? To those of you...

It's the least London apartments to have a row of four vintage cinema seats. But I mean, just like a normal sofa type thing and then when you get up, they flap up. Say if you had, I don't know,

a dervish come round your house and said, I've never seen you guys actually whirl. You stand up, the furniture's already cleared.

I can't do that with a dog in my gaff. Why not? Well, he'd be flipped up all over the place, wouldn't he? Oh, yeah. He's small, you see. If you got up to put the kettle on,

the dog would be just pinged into the back wall. What you could do is, if you have a Velcro backdrop to the sofa... That's going to look attractive. ...you could pick him up when you come back. That's going to look nice. What about when I've got gentleman callers over there? I don't want them stuck to my sofa.

When you have one. I've told you before, no gentlemen after ten o'clock. I don't know if you know that I'm actually Emily's landlord. I'm Frank's landlady.

I keep it nice clean now, see, I've told you. None of your time's coming down. Oh, look at me bed, but he's... Sorry, that was from Brief Encounter. Now, here's a question. Go on. Can I ask you a question?

When you're on tour, Al, do you get catering? I mean, you know, stuff in the dressing room. I don't mean anything elaborate. No, there was a past point when I was on tour, and I'm quite low maintenance, as I think you're aware.

You are, actually. I am. I was turning up to venues. Well, in some ways. A lot of them had been sent a rider from somebody else's tour, which was quite comprehensive. I should say, by the way, that a rider on a contract is... A lot of you will know this, but I don't want to presume. It's when you're saying basically what kind of food

or any other things. You do hear of people like J-Lo asking for 12 white lilies in her dressing room. And candles. Oh, no, she has another one as well, which she asks the staff to dress up as minions to entertain her in her Vegas residency. She doesn't do that. Yeah, in her Vegas residency because she wanted

them to entertain her children. That's a bit demeaning. The minions again look a bit... I'm just going to write that down actually. That sounds like not a bad plan. You could do that in Jersey. You could get that in Jersey. You could turn up... My assistant-in-law could have turned up as Maz Kanat and she wouldn't have

noticed the difference. But, yeah, I was arriving at little art centres and people had put lots and lots of drinks into ice buckets. Oh, wow. Lots and lots. And I was just on my own and I was saying, I just want water and a cup of tea and then I'm going to drive home, so I don't want any of this alcohol.

So it felt a bit naughty. It is. A little bit naughty rider a little bit naughty my rider is brown bread sandwich of any kind I don't care what the filling is as long as it's brown bread crisps, I don't specify

the flavour even cheese and onion? yeah fine, absolute sociopath any crisps drink? fruit, I don Absolute sociopath. Any crisps. Lovely. Drink? Fruit. I don't specify the fruit.

Good call. Obviously, when you don't specify the fruit, nine times out of ten you get what I call any other business, which is apple, orange, banana. A or B. Very good. The big three. But that's fine.

That's fine. I don't mind that. What about your grapes? Well, if they get grapes, it's a plus. But you can't get vaguer than any crisps, any brown bread sandwich, fruit, tea-making facilities. I mean, that is not demanding. No.

You know, I've got international representation. Yeah, so how's that gone, the rider request? Well, six gigs in, I'd had one brown bread sandwich and all the rest were white. Now, I want to ask about that. I don't want to be the person you're asking. I've got the fares, but I'd like to do something of an audience. I'd like to get some feedback. This is basically what I'm asking.

If you ask for a sandwich, does that mean a white bread sandwich, unless you say... Is it like buying an away shirt? If I went to buy a West Brom shirt, would they give me a home shirt and I'd have to say, oh, no, no, no, actually I want an away shirt.

Is it like that? Is white the default bread for a sandwich? Is brown bread, even in 2019, is brown bread a development, is what I'm asking. Okay. So if I said I'd love a sandwich, would someone think, well, obviously he means white bread. Great texting.

Is it the default setting? Great texting, I'd say. Yeah, I'd love to get to the bottom. Some would say it's too specific, but I think it's a great texting. Well, I thought I was... It seems I've been too demanding in asking for brown bread. I mean, he starry demands the big C-1-C-1-C-A-O-B. Come on.

Come on. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. You really have lit up the switchboards with your bread. Well, I've got another bread query, but let's see this. Oh, hold your high horses. Don't spill all the gold yet. No.

Davey has been in touch. White is a treat for me. A weekend bread, if you will. Oh, really? Lovely use of if you will davey we should say the question frank was asking if you weren't tuning in uh prior to that break was frank well is when you ask for a sandwich do people assume white bread is is brown bread there's a sort of development is it Is it like the away shirt of bread? Well, 220, Tommy has replied with an anecdote of sorts. Hi, Frank Cockrell and TDME.

Thank you. The rule we have at home is white bread for the children and brown bread for the grown-ups. The only caveat is that fresh bread from the bakers has no restrictions. As per the rules, all praise has been redacted. So that's nice. I think that's a good way to live your life. Of course, in the age of fake tan,

you could probably lose a brown bread sandwich if it was in your trunks. I also like the way Frank said, ooh, there, because he sounded like the Stingray evil man. I love the sense of the rules. All bets are off if it's fresh from the bakers. Yeah. Lovely. I'd like to know how observed that rule is,

because my house has rules that are largely ignored. Well, you'll need to put your foot there. Yes. Spare the rod. Andrea Waterhouse says, wondering if the white bread is sourdough, as this is increasingly being served as the latest healthy option over brown bread.

Indeed. Please tell me you are not being served packet bread. I am being served packet sandwiches, yes. Well, I think, if I may moot my own opinion, I thought that we'd shifted society so much that everybody thought brown bread was healthier and that me requesting white bread, because I think it's healthier. Do you think white bread is healthier?

I do, yeah. I don't think we digest brown bread very well. Wow, this is a revelation. I do. I mean, ideally don't eat bread, but if you are going to eat bread... How do you learn that discovery of DNA? When our Terry, in like 1968, our Terry announced he wanted to eat brown bread in future.

Something I believe he'd picked up at the local youth club. That's what Claire Rayner... Whatever happened to youth clubs? Well, Claire Rayner always advised going there if you wanted to meet people, join a youth group, lovey. Yeah. Was her advice. Pretty much anything in life.

Yeah, table tennis and brown bread, as far as I could tell. But yeah, and it caused some consternation at home that he'd got ideas above his station. Yeah. Well, we used to have this milk called sterilised milk, which was a step down from UHT i mean it was white water it sounds horrible and a friend of mine used to call it council house milk i remember it's very disparaging and and and then i came to think i suppose of white bread as that as a sort of a partner to

that right i i'm you've shot me out. I have never questioned that brown bread must be healthy. No. Because don't they bleach? They also put colouring in brown bread, I believe, as well. Do they?

It's all done. Anyway, I need to ask another question. Sure. I finally got brown bread at the Wyvern Theatre, Swindon. Random applause

for the effort they made. I buy that novel. Delivered with a smile as well. Oh, that's nice. Which at a regional theatre is worth its weight in gold. I don't like the idea of the poor lady turning up having to smile thinly. No, no, she seemed... Okay.

She did everything thinly. She was lovely and she gave me the sandwiches, you know. And now she had gone for what I would call the X Factor sandwich in that it's cut with an X, do you know what I mean? So it comes out in three triangles. Oh, I don't like that. No, here's the thing. No.

Three triangles. Well, four triangles, you're quite right. Oh, OK. I knew what he meant. Four triangles. Got you, got you. Well, maths is not my strength. No, no, I thought I was confused. No, no, got you. Or maths is not my strength. No, no, I thought I was confused.

No, no, but it's because maths is not my strength. I wanted to ask this question. It seemed to me from looking at the X-Cot sandwich with the four triangles that I had less crossed wall to support the sandwich. Were the crusts still on? The crusts were still on, of course. I'm still hoping for curls at my

age. And I thought, mathematically, has she exposed more of the inner sandwich? And I stared at it for ten minutes. And I just, you know when you just can't work somewhere

and your head sort of goes like there's nothing in there at all I thought I was going to have a nose bleeding dog so I stopped thinking about it but have I there can't be less crossed obviously but is there more inner sandwich exposure

on an ex-cot sandwich at 12.15. Oh, God. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Frank, you have, may I say, yet again, lit up the switchboard. But this is a genuine enquiry.

I'm not suggesting for a second that you've cynically done it. I say enquiry. It's a genuine enquiry. I'm not suggesting for a second that you've cynically done it. Enquiry. Yes. Genuine enquiry. Well, I would have called it something like the mathematical sandwich paradox. Something like that that you were going for. Right. Like, is there more crust on a conventionally cut bread and less crust available on a triangle?

Well, the crust, even I realise the crust cannot diminish but it's the inner thing but I think it's I think it's a trick of the eye that you're discussing really so 412 has said Frank it's the crust to inner edge

ratio that's the concern here reckless sandwich making. I'm not sure of the point they're making there. Crust, inner... Well, this is my thing. Is the more inner edge is what I'm saying, I suppose. Well, I think Geoff may have the answer. 419.

Of course he does. Hi, Frank. Loving the sandwich-based discussion. Good. Don't normally read out praise, but I think... Just you, mate. The triangle-cutting trick means there are no crossed corners. The perfect solution to the childhood nightmare.

I think my childhood nightmares were different from that, Geoff. The crushed corner? So was mine. I had nightmares about Lou Reed. The child thinks they're getting more crust because they've got to eat round the corner. Yes, they've got to eat crust round the corner. People didn't like that. Were you genuinely forced to eat your crusts? Well, it wasn't a question in our house.

It was eating them or my brother would have eaten them. Really? We didn't have to do that. He would have eaten them when I was still in my mouth. We didn't have to do that. That would be grim. Did you have to do it? I didn't have to, I don't think. I chose to. Everything. We never had? I didn't have to, I don't think. I chose to. Everything.

We never had a meal without bread and butter, I don't think. We didn't have to do it because you didn't get crusts on the canapés. See, that's one of the pluses. Denise Forster has said, yes, the four-quarter sandwich gives appearance of more in a sandwich and encourages young children to eat more of the sandwich because the crusts are straight edges. Is that the reason? I like it. So in a way

if anything you've been infantilised at that theatre where they've cut the sandwiches like a child would want. Well what about the cross of St George sandwich where you're giving the children three little sandwiches each of which have an eat round the corner crust.

That's a mistake. Can I draw your attention to the work of Sybil Liberty? Sybil? I like the sound of Sybil. Well, I do as well, and I'll tell you why, because she says... She's not my sister, is she? Remember I was Frank Liberty once in a hotel? Someone booked me in a...

Sybil Liberty says, only brown bread if someone's watching me. And I respect that kind of honesty, Sybil. Because you know what? I'm 100% the same. If I'm over at home on my own, I would go white every time. If I'm out with...

I mean, occasionally I buy this brown bread, the rye bread, the sourdough. Do I want it? No. Do I want people to see it when they come round? Yes. Well, that again really has shocked me. So, brown bread only if you're being watched. Brown bread is affectation. My problem with this, of course, is I'm a Roman Catholic,

so I'm always being watched. 987 has suggested, and this isn't why I'm reading this out, I'm with Mr Cochran on wholemeal bread. I read a book on IBS and the author wrote, why would you want to eat anything that belongs in a nose bag? Fibre was originally promoted to farmers to sell the rubbish that used to be thrown away or fed to cattle. Really?

Well, a doctor told me... It agrees with me and it's part conspiracy theory. He likes it. I don't want to gossip, but a doctor told me there was with me and it's part conspiracy theory he likes it I don't want to gossip but a doctor told me there was no such thing as IBS he said that's an umbrella term

that doctors use he said I do it myself if someone goes with stomach problems you don't know what they are you tell them they've got IBS is that right?

goodbye Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio it's been Milan Fashion Week recently Yes, I've been I've had alerts Yeah, me too

The high collars thing Oh yeah It's taken off No, I didn't know Well, actually would you like to know the trends, just briefly Prince of Wales check a hound's tooth Oh, is it really? Yeah.

I was going to go for thinness and the colour black. Is it not? No. Because a lot of the fashion people wear black, don't they? You're thinking of the ninjas. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a very narrow world. You're right, you're right. I'll tell you what else.

Houndstooth. Now, there's a thing. We always called that dog's tooth check. Yes. And it suddenly else Houndstooth now there's a thing we always called that dogstooth yes and it suddenly became houndstooth maybe it was just two different worlds

in my world they were hounds well I ok well your book isn't called Everybody Died So I Bought a Hound

that's because I've been spending the last ten years with you no one would buy it you see if you said that they'd think oh it must be like a pro-hunting thing.

That's Emily's new book, which is available at the moment, by the way. Thank you, Frank. So, hounds tooth and dogs tooth. I'll let you have that because it's your show. You'll gap your rules. There's a Bob Dylan stage suit that he used to wear in the 60s. When he looked really cool in the Don't Look Back years, he looked fantastic.

The hair? Yeah. And he had a dog's tooth suit and it was like green and black. I think, oh man, that was a great suit. If I could have, you know, any celebrity suit, that would be right up there, I think. I could probably get one made, but I mean, I don't know if I could have, you know, any celebrity suit, that would be right up there, I think.

I could probably get one made, but I mean, I don't know if I could carry it off. I see you as more of a sort of Jim Carrey in the mask. Sort of smokey. I've got a bit more face in the material. Bright yellow or lime green or something. It's a bright yellow zoot suit. No, I don't want it to clash too much with my teeth.

Sorry, in brief, those are the trends there for you. Neon is back. Neon? Huge. I know, I've noticed that when I've been driving on the motorway at night. They're all wearing it. It's very popular in France as well at the moment, the neon. It is.

A lot of fashion people on the way. Those yellow jackets, is that on the catwalk? So people are going to like this. It's just a cross rail chic. It's a bit of a rave thing, wasn't it? Oh, Alan Lee was one of those. He was a raver, did you know that? What's that? Yeah, did you not know that

part of his life? No. It's one of my favourite parts of his life. Oh, I like the violence of the twilight years. Briefly, sorry, so we've also got Country Squire tweed, dark florals. Dark florals are a sort of goth on the Italian Riviera.

Okay. Do they go there much, the goths? A bit sunny for them, isn't it? They have a day out, though, the goths. They get a whitby, that's where they go. I mean, they're not going to get burnt there, usually. And they have to worry the eyebrows start melting down the face. Look, I've said this many times, they are my favourite youth subculture. Kindest, most lovely people you'll ever...

Oh, lovely people. Good hearts. My view is they'll never, ever be fashionable and they sit around talking about death and as a Catholic, I can identify with those things. Oh, me too. And finally, the leopard. Oh well that's everywhere. Bob Dylan again. Leopard skin pillbox hat. Guess what I thought leopard print cape Frank. Hello. Wow. Come on. See there's something slightly, to say we shouldn't kill animals for stuff but then to wear pretend versions, there's a suggestion we'd like to kill them.

If we could find any sort of loophole, we would. We're just saying we're admiring their coats. Yeah, but they look better on them, don't they? Well, I wear a T-shirt with you on it. It doesn't mean I want to kill you, always. Good point. You do not wear a T-shirt with me on it. I think I must have at some point.

I can't believe that for once. You wore a Doctor Who hooded top last week. That's about as close as... I wore a full T-shirt. I like the way that Emily said, I'll wear a T-shirt with you and I was going to let that go. I just believed it. Do you?

When? I've worn a T-shirt. Well, I've got given a T-shirt with your name on it, but then my name's on it. Well, so I've-shirt with your name on it but then my name's on it I'm not having that anyway there was a bigger happening there was I'm sorry I got distracted which was that

Gigi and Bella Hadid Gigi each time I see a little girl of five or six or seven I always have to stop and say thank thank heaven. That's from Gigi. Can you not sing that?

Sorry. Okay. I liked it. It's a beautiful song. Two of the world's most famous supermodels. Can I stop you there? Sure. This has made me realise.

I thought I was au fait with the super, I could rattle off a few supermodels, I realise I'm way out of date I had never heard of these two. Seriously? No, I'm a bit behind as well. Joking. I knew them by name but I wouldn't recognise them, like

I'd read about them. I didn't know their names either. Gigi and Bella? Yeah, didn't know about Gigi and Bella? Their sister can't actually... Yeah. I didn't know about Gigi and Bella. Is it Gigi rather than Gigi? What's a Gigi? Gigi? Gigi and Bella. Oh, right.

I call her Gigi. Well, they're the... Descended from the Prince of Nazareth. Yeah. And the Sheikh of Galilee. Well, I... I googled them. Well, their father's Muhammad.

He's famous. Oh, is he? Yes. I'll tell you what, this is a thing now that I couldn't get to the bottom of. And I looked up Gigi. Oh, did you?

And Gigi was quite a sportswoman when she was younger. Oh, yes, did she do a horse rider? She was a competitive horse rider. No way. And then when I looked at her name, Gigi wasn't her actual name. She called Gigi because she rode the Gigi's.

Oh, I see. 8, 12, 15. Are the Gigi's, is that actually a thing that they say in other parts of the country? I once sat in for Danny Baker on Five Live many years ago and I went over to Cornelius Lysett there. Oh. You know when you go across, not go across, but you hand over.

And I said, so now with News of the GGs, we've got Cornelius. Didn't like it. Did not like it, yeah. Someone said, don't do that with Cornelius. He takes it very seriously. He doesn't like it because he's got the Planet of the Apes name. Can't mix your mediums there. Oh.

He has, I hadn't thought of that, actually. Should have been Planet of the Horses. They never made that, of course. Never made it. I'd love Planet of the Horses. It would have been better, wouldn't it? Probably. Not as good as World of Crocodiles.

Imagine four of them in a Jeep. That would have been brilliant. Bella and Gigi, they were spotted at Milan Fashion Week and, I might add, after New York Fashion Week,

whole clutching novels. Yeah. Someone described it as weaponising novels. I didn't like that. No, I didn't. What does that mean? Well, shall we get to that, Al? Would you like to say what you think it means?

Well, I just think it's patronising to say that they're reading as if that gives them power. Are you saying patronising ironically? Yeah, I was. Just before we get 25 texts. That's fine. I mispronounce things all the time. See, Donnie's doing it on purpose now so we don't notice the after.

He's allowed to. He's good-looking enough to get away with it. What do you think, though? I can't do that. Well, I tell you what. So we should say the books they had out. Do you know the other... One of them I had, Bella had Stephen King's novel, The Outsider.

Which I haven't. Do you know that? No, I don't. Do you know what? I've never read a Stephen King. Oh, brilliant. What about on writing? That's also good.

I did read some of that, but once he started going on about these anti-adjectives... Oh, yeah. I started to think he was a bit didactic. And, er... Sorry, sorry. I met James Herbert. Do you know him?

Oh, yes, he wrote The Rats. He wrote a book called The Rats, which I tried to read at school, and it scared the excrement out of me. Did it? And I had to... The Rats would have had that. I had to stop reading it. And I met him at a party.

And he said, all right, Frank... So what's at the party? Who's this? He's a very nice chap. Who's coming tonight? Frank's book club. James Herbert.

James Herbert. And I said, I read one of your books, The Rats. He goes, oh, great. I said, I've got to tell you, I didn't get through it. And he said,

why did you tell me that? He's right. I said, I've got to tell you, I didn't get through it. And he said, oh, why did you tell me that? He's right. I said, I'm sorry, but I said, I was so frightened by it, I just couldn't. He goes, oh, well, that's alright. It's like that. So, yeah, so he was okay with me. Obviously, I'd paid. Yes. Yeah. But tell me that's why I've never read Stephen King. I can't

cope with that level of terror. I'm not kidding. You don't cope with that level of terror. I think you might. I'm not kidding. You don't like horror, do you? It's very pacey. They're all sort of cliffhanger chapter endings. Yeah, yeah. They're really...

They're proper page turners, aren't they? Yes. In a second, I'll tell you what happened to me. I went to see George Romero's Day of the Dead at a late night viewing, and I'll tell you what happened. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 518 has been in touch.

Before we return to the world of fashion, I thought we could just put a bow on our maths question that you created earlier. I like the bow. You were discussing sandwich cutting. My question is, if you cut a sandwich in a... Does it not bleed? Diagonally, yeah, exactly.

Are you exposing more in a sandwich than if you just cut it down the middle? I mean, you're doing two cuts for a start-up. That suggests you're exposing more. Mm-hm. Well, 518 has been in touch. Hi, Frank, you are totally correct. I'm not claiming that I follow this entirely.

I'll do that. We'll leave it there. Go on. What a great sandwich-based mathematical observation! Exclamation mark. Why, yi-yi. The ratio of crust to non-crust, assuming a square sandwich for simplicity, when a sandwich is cut into quarters is two.

So the ratio is two. Right. But when cut into triangles is 1.4. So it seems like less crust and more inside. Seems? Because there's a smaller ratio. Oh, I see. That's it with maths, isn't it?

I'm currently studying for a maths degree, so drop my toast and reach for the pen straight away. That's from Claire. Well, thanks for your help, Claire, but I still don't understand it. Good luck with the degree. Am I right? Yes, good luck with the degree. Well, it begins, you are totally correct. What a great sandwich-based mathematical...

Well, no, because it's still only... It's still only an observation, isn't it? You go backstage during the tour. You seem to be really enjoying that gig. Seem? Yeah. Anyway, thanks. If anyone, Claire, if you can give me more clarification.

Oh, very good. Frank, Rob's been in touch as well. I've read all James Herbert's Rat books, including the graphic novel. I've had a tattoo done in the graphic novel. Try them again, Frank. They're not that scary. Are you sure you just didn't sleep on it? You were sweating a bit.

I can't. I'm not saying they aren't brilliant. Obviously, they are brilliant in that they frighten me to death. When I saw George Romero's Day of the Dead, which is one of his... I think it was the third in the Living Dead trilogy. Someone will correct me. OK.

I'm sure they were. I was at the Triangle Cinema in Goster Green, Birmingham. How did they do their sandwiches? I don't think we had sandwiches in those days. OK. We just ate meat straight off the animal. That's me. No, actually just ate meat straight off the animal. That's me. No, actually, I worked there.

I worked at that place. And I saw this film, and I went, I had to urinate about an hour into the film. were into the film. So I went into the toilet and I had to kick open the three cubicle doors to make sure there weren't any zombies. Now do you think that

in a grown man to get to a point where he can't urinate unless he knows there are what are the chances of there being zombies? And if they had, who would it have helped me by exposing them? Do they go to the toilet, zombies? That sounds like a risk.

And they don't sound like they'd... I don't think they'd use them in a sort of responsible fashion like that. They wouldn't say, oh, just go into the cubicle. They'd probably do it on the tiled floor of the entrance. They'd just soil themselves. In the ragged trousers. But do I want to see something that makes me so frightened that I'm having to check for zombies in a toilet?

I was 20, you know, 20 years old. Okay, I love this topic because, question, with Jaws, when I interviewed the popular and very talented comedian, Greg Davis, we both discovered that we both had a childhood fear of Jaws, which was so bad we couldn't even go in swimming pools. Oh, wow. I mean, because I just somehow thought, we were saying, Greg said,

you know, what did you think they'd overcome, the sort of chlorine issue, and they'd managed to come out. I genuinely thought any water where my legs were dangling, a shark would emerge. Did you not have that with Jaws? No, but if Greg Davis jumped into a swimming pool wouldn't he be touching the other end of me?

Yeah, yeah. He is a length. He could have a shark. Job done. If he raised his hands up and just does a belly flop that's a length. He gets his white stripe.

He could punch that shark on the nose. Well, I mean, I can't imagine his legs dangling unless he was in the Pacific Well, I mean, I can't imagine his legs dangling unless he was in the Pacific Ocean. I mean, you wouldn't think he'd be frightened of anything, a man. I fancy him against a shark.

Yeah. And I've snogged him live on television. Do you remember when we ran out of comedy and panicked and kissed each other as a sort of... Oh, I remember that. Yeah. So, so a shame. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I have one thing I would like to pick Frank up on from 277. Can Frank refrain from falling into the trap of calling them Sam-witches? I don't do them. Let me tell you what it is. They are sand-witches. I'm saying sandwiches, it is. They are sand witches. That's all bad for the stains. Sandwiches, aren't I? Sandwiches. I'm saying sand. Sandwiches. It does sound a little

Sammy. I think you might be forcing that now and in conversation I think you do say sandwiches. Do I? You've got him there. You've been waiting for weeks. No, not at all. I'm fine with it i like it let's talk about something else what about chimblies and then just say it chimneys everyone used to say chimbley when i was a kid instead of a chimney it's not even the set in the same ballpark we talk more about

chimneys because um there was you know coal and stuff in those days chimbleimbley, yeah. My sister-in-law used to say Draculia as well for the popular ghoul. Yeah. Anyway, this is not... We're discussing books being a fashion accessory. Gigi and Bella had the supermodels. Gigi, neither of you are familiar

with them, so it's been a long morning. But Gigi is... No, but I know their type. Gigi is... If I saw a picture of them and they were two quite bulky, middle-aged women, I'd be

stunned. Yeah, that's not what they're like. Gigi went out with Zayn off of One Direction. Oh, did she? Yes! She was in the Taylor Swift Bad Blood with Zayn off of One Direction. Oh, did she? Yes. She was in the Taylor Swift Bad Blood video. Don't know that. Oh, baby, now we got bad blood.

It was about septicemia. Oh, really? That is a shame. It was topical, though. Band-Aids don't fix bullet holes was one of the questions. It was a lovely song. Band-Aids don't fix...

Don't fix bullet holes, meaning, you know, if someone treats you badly, you can't just put a Band-Aid on it. Depends on the stage of healing. It does, yeah, you're right. I'd have thought towards the end it turned. That was the follow-up signal.

They're into reading now, these ladies. They read Bella. I say now, they might have read before, but they just didn't carry the books around ostentatiously. Is that... Yes, that was that character that used to say, you're groovy. Ostentatious.

The stag night default. So Stephen King's The Outsider was the one that Bella was seen with. Do you know what she was seen with? Yes, she was seen with Albert Camus' The Stranger. The Tranger. And also known in the English translation, Frank, as... Whoops, there go my trousers. The Outsider.

It's a French flower. So I think they're doing something there. What did you say the Stephen King one was called? The Outsider. Ah. Now, I'm the only one that seems to have picked up on this. They're playing pick-up pairs. Yeah.

They're playing a very complicated literary game of pick-up pairs. That's what's happening there. Come on, coincidence? I think not. No, I think you've rumbled it. Yes, because no-one has picked up on this. Vogue were saying, would you join Bella and Gigi's book club? Other papers were saying, you know, the new fashion accessory books. Well, I'll tell you what, did she not post a photo of the Stephen King book

next to her Louis Vuitton bag and they had, like, the same red? I thought that was borderline. But I'm sure, I mean, models, they must have a lot of time sitting around waiting to be photographed. Yes. You'd think that they... I mean, I went out with a catwalk model once did you and yes I wasn't super but she was a working model working model and batteries not

included well maybe on a good night. Anyway. Frank said when he did the ES questionnaire once, the ES magazine, which may I say, his responses were held up for years afterwards as the gold standard to aspire to. And one of his, I never forgot, it said, advice to a Londoner, if you see the word, if you see, well, I think it was about models.

If you see the word model next to a doorbell in London Soho, don't expect to find Claudia Sheeproff. No, wouldn't it be great to see someone like that looking from one of the windows? Well, work's really dried up. I thought this would be enough. I didn't need a publicist. I've got a small sign.

So she said to me one day, enough. I didn't need a publicist. I've got a small sign. Yeah. So she said to me one day, I think I can tell this story in some safety. She said, oh, I've got a Joseph shoot today. You know, the... Are they still going? Yeah. Technicolor Dreamcoat. And she said, yes, that's what she was wearing.

She wasn't going to go in now else. Sorry, have we got a... Shall I come back to this? So she said, yes, that's what she was wearing. She was wearing a coat and now else. Sorry, shall I come back to this? So she said, you know, she said, I hate catwalk days. I hate clothes. I hate the people that go to my... I said, God, what do you like? She said, cocaine and Ferraris. And you know when I've said to you that sometimes you're in the early stages of a relationship

and someone said, I get a flash frame, like the woman who described Fever Pitch as a novel. And I know there cannot be a future for us, and that was the moment. Of course, she was obviously an attractive woman. And I did three weeks later think, I wonder if she meant Ali Cocaine, who went out with Will Carlin.

Oh, yes. and Nick Ferrari, the LBC presenter, and I've misjudged that. Maybe. But I mean, you know, you try and make people right in retrospect, but I think I probably got it right the first time. Frank Skinner on Absolute

Radio. Someone has picked up on me for saying Zayn off of One Direction. I thought you were doing that to make us chuckle. Yeah, I was. Yeah. OK, just so everyone knows. Often the correct journeys are missing out on what I think of as offers.

I know, I know. You say often, I think it's about 50-50. I promise that was intentional. No, I'm sure. OK. Everyone relax. Can I ask you a question before we go into any more detail on this? Mm-hmm.

Are there still... So there are still supermodels. That is still a classification. A job. Right. How... Who decides? Is there some sort of actual method of this?

Is it to do with money earned? Like an arbitration panel. Are the people who are, is there a grey area where people are pushing super, but not quite? No, not a supermodel. No. Do you know what I mean?

Is it like a belt system in the martial arts where you're brown belt and then black belt? Is that how it works? They don't have Dan. There's no Dan. What I'm asking, oh that's a good question. Are there male supermodels? David Candy. Hello, thank you. Is he called that though?

Do you know, you've done well. He's pretty much the only one, isn't he? Well, David gets, David, yes, I call him David. He gets very embarrassed when you ask him about this but he is the highest paid

male model in the world I thought you were going to say he is related to Mahatma I call him

Mahatma yeah he is the world yeah he's officially a male supermodel

so there are male supermodels okay yes okay well there are there's only a handful. What me and Al are after is, is there a measurable...

It's all that chicken and broccoli. Yes. Is there a measurable superness? So is it just an opinion supermodel? Or is it... I think what it's about... This won't take long. Sorry, girls.

Is it when the supermodels originally, when models crossed over and became personalities, which started when American Vogue put them on the cover as celebrities in roughly the 90s. So when they were named. Yeah, when they became celebrities. It's like that moment. Do you understand? A lot of artists in medieval times, the religious artists, they never signed anything because they thought it was about God and they were irrelevant to the celebration. And then in the Renaissance and stuff, people started signing it and they became celebrities.

I see, I've got it. You've got it. Thank you very much. Thank you. Next. Move on. Next question is, how long should a Percy thriller take? Because she was pictured with the Stephen King book,

I think, a month apart. And I feel like that is not a book that you savour. It's a book you read in a couple of days and then you're done with it. This is true. I can't hang on to a thriller longer than about four days. When she said she couldn't put it down, it wasn't a metaphor.

She actually didn't care for it that much, but she just can't put it down. I mean, it must be lovely to be able to use your own forearm as a bookmark. We were discussing the models read books news. I think that seems obvious that people would read books. The outsider connection is interesting to me. Do you think they're not reading these books? Is it a message? Well, I think it could be quite a sophisticated message, yes.

They feel somehow other and objectified and alienated. Or it went with their bags. Yeah. You know, it could be. Right. I feel sorry. I mean, I suppose if you are very beautiful and incredibly rich and famous and have come from an incredibly privileged background, you are an outsider.

You are, exactly. And there are much worse outsiders to be, though. There are. I know. I think there are. You know. Yeah. I mean, that bloke used to be in Birmingham with a long scarf

and used to shake it down holes in the road to see if there was anything in there. He was a bigger outsider, in my opinion. I would agree with you. He sounds quite outsider. Yeah, but I never saw him with a book. I saw him with a house brick once, and I crossed over. My question is, are these ladies in relationships?

Because reading can prove... Go out with Zayn. Oh, they did, but I don't know if they currently do. Not anymore. Hey, that was always going in one direction. No! No, Bella was going out with The Weeknd

and then... With or at? Or on? She's doing flexi time. She was going out with The Weeknd. That would be a rap person, I'm guessing. Yes, he's called The Weeknd. Is he really? Yes.

W-E-A-K. Signing on. Signing on. He's at The Weeknd. No, he's spelt in the tradition W-E-E-K. Okay. I'm not familiar with The Weeknd, so... No, that doesn't surprise me.

Did he do Saturday Night's Alright for so... No, that doesn't surprise me. Did he do Saturday Nights or Rides to the Fife? No, that's Alan. Yeah, no, she was dating The Weeknd. Did she split up with The Weeknd? Yes, because I think he was at the Victoria's Secret catwalk show and it was all awkward. Oh, mate. You had one job.

You had to look at one model. Don't look at other models while you've got a model. That's the rule. No, exactly. It's the weekend. Yeah, what are you doing the weekend? I'm going to the football. No, no.

I said, what are you doing the weekend? Yeah, I'm going to the football. No, no, no. I'm using... Yeah, complicated. Do you think he could... Is he the... I'd call him the

because I always nickname people yeah the reason I the reason I asked if they had partners in their lives I'd call him

I'd call him time and a half I think I think I've invented a life hack for for relationships that are somewhat

troubled by reading oh yeah I sometimes like to read even after my wife has gone to sleep or she's finished. Kindle. Get a Kindle. I don't like Kindles. I like real books. They're great. Oh, I like a Kindle, Frank.

When the partner's gone to sleep, they're perfect. But the light is a difficulty, isn't it? The light when reading. No, because it's just a tiny book. No, no, I mean, that's probably better, but when reading a book with pages, which is what I tend to do, getting the light right can be difficult. What do you do about the light? We have many rails. I've had a brainwave.

You've learnt braille. I've got an amazing light hat for you. What do you do? Candle? I use a headlamp. You know those lamps with the string? Oh, no. Yeah, I've got one of those. Dentist hat.

Honestly, it's a real game changer. Yeah. Real game changer. Have that with my blessing, everyone. Game changer in every respect in the bedroom. As far as I'm concerned. If I walked into your bedroom and you had that on, I think I'd go, whoops, sorry.

Sorry, everyone. Sorry, everyone. Wow, Dr Groper. Anyway. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. On the Camus front, the Albert Camus, I've only ever read one book of his it was like an essay about Sisyphus

and Sisyphus you might know ancient Sisyphus was his punishment by the gods was that he had to push a large boulder up a mountain all day he spent doing that and then at the end of the day he let it roll

down again and then he'd go to the bottom and had to do it again, that was his curse and the reason I read this book, it was bought for me by someone I did a television programme with and it was bought because I often used to say that doing that show

was like pushing a large bowl of fur and on another I often used to say that doing that show was like pushing a large bulb. And on another show I did, a bloke bought me a T-shirt with a sort of men at work thing, which was a man pushing a round thing up a hill. So obviously I'd stopped with that theme. I was thinking it was more like a sort of a personal trainer analogy, like this is what you're going to have to do, is just move a big heavy thing up and down for a while.

Well, you like to put the trainer... Yeah. Can I just say also, when I saw them with those books, I mean, I agree, Al, far be it from us to suggest that they were weaponising them. I would agree with you, it's patronising. I do. I meant to say that.

But let's be honest, this does go on in the celebrity world. I remember Jerry Halliwell left the Spice Girls pictured two weeks later with Frank. The Road Less Travelled. Still remember it. Oh, right. Based on a poem by?

Robert Frost. Correct. Okay. Fabulous. What a team. Why didn't they have us on that in University Challenge, David Baddiel did? Yeah, well, he was threatened by me.

Goodness. Paris Hilton spotted carrying the Holy Bible. Was she? Yeah. It was after she got into a little bit of trouble. To be fair, I think she was working for the hotel chain and was just rearranging some of the rooms. You know, they've all got a Bible in them. Was it Gideon's?

Donald Trump's favourite book? Gideon's Bible. He says, that's the Bible's, you know when people say, what's your favourite book? He says the Bible. Oh, fabulous. Very good book. Long book. Tremendous book. Very good book. Some horrible people in it. Terrible people. Great people,

horrible people. Somerible people. Great people, horrible people. Some of the most horrible people in... Lindsay Lohan? Oh, yeah. What book did she... No, really? Did she really? Wow.

That's a... That's a strong statement. Yeah. I remember... There's a picture, a famous picture of Marilyn Monroe reading James Joyce's Ulysses. I remember that. There is a photo of me that was used on a poster for something. They said to me, I was in this bookshop and I was doing something or other, signing.

And they said, we're looking for a poster in which you read a book. And you look, you know, so you look engrossed in a book and then we'll have a picture. We'll use that on the poster of you enjoying a book. What book do you want to enjoy? And David Baddiel had a book out at the time, had a novel out. And I said, well, I'll read Dave's

book and then that'll be, you know, I'm advertising the concept but also I'm advertising a friend's book. So I thought I'm advertising a friend's book. So I thought I was doing a nice turn. We'll hear from him in a minute if he's listening, but he'll remember this. Hang on, I'm just checking.

So I think it was the book he wrote about Princess Di... I can't remember quite which novel. Whatever love means. I can't remember quite which novel it was. But anyway, so I held it, and I really did a big laughing thing. As I sort of say. I'm really loving this book. It's really funny and stuff. And I thought Dave

would say to me, thanks so much for So Dave found me up and said it's not the kind of book that you'd just laugh at like that. It sort of slightly told me off. Oh. Oh well. But if I'd done the Bible if I'd done the Bible

If I'd done the Bible and really laughed With my head off You know what I don't like I don't like I'm going to get in trouble for this Because we're all equal in this day and age I don't like a man reading Fifty Shades of Grey I wouldn't go anywhere near anyone

Reading Fifty Shades of Grey That's what they said was one of the things that made kindle a big thing is the people who read Fifty Shades of Grey read it on kindle on public transport so no one knew they were reading it

my late father bought that for me one Christmas is that right bought me all three I said why did you buy me this and also for all sorts of reasons it was an extraordinary Yeah, bought me all three. I said, why did you buy me this? You know about... I mean, and also, you know, come on. For all sorts of reasons, it was an extraordinary present. OK?

No, I haven't read it, but I think I know generally what it's about. Whoa. What, did he read that? You're not judging a book by its cover. No. Although we do. Yeah.

So let's hope that these two women are just having a little book club reading thing. Maybe you can join. But it is, yeah, we know where that would end. Oh, imagine me having a real figure with both of them in tears. Oh, man. Zayn Malik turning up the King of Jericho. Oh, man. Zayn Malik turning up, the King of Jericho.

Oh, wow. Prince of Nazareth having beef with Frank. Or sitting there. We'll have to sit on the floor in a tent and do the book club. Oh, man. Actually, it's sounding better. It's getting better as I talk about it. Albert Camel would be there.

Oh, yeah. That's what they call him. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute there. Oh, yeah. That's what they call him. I think it's one of the ironies of the modelling world that probably the least glamorous of the models are called glamour models. Oh, yeah. They're probably the ones with the least status

in sort of international... And agencies, they're called money girls. Oh, I don't like that at all. No, I don't like that. That's on the nose, isn't it? I thought one of the ironies that you were talking about is that these models are walking around carrying

books and yet they're in the industry that invented the must-have bag oh yeah and they're not even using this must-have yeah no you mention it that does suggest that they want them to be seen doesn't it yeah there is a message they could have a see-through carrier bag like a blue and white stripe you wouldn't have gone to shop a dawn books you got one of those. Morning guys, this is from 953.

There will only ever be one true group of supermodels. The Cindy, Linda, Naomi et al. crew from the Freedom 90 video. Even blokes not interested

in fashion knew who they were. They were mega paid, distinctive, powerful entities in their own right. Now, any vaguely pretty woman

with one modelling job under her belt is called a supermodel. But blokes like Frank and Al and half the population Wow. Wow. Peter York. That texting has gone straight to the absolute 90s. We've got an awful lot of tabs open today, so I feel like we should tie up a few loose ends. Okay, let's do that.

Go for it. 005005 has texted, Morning, guys. Must say brown bread isn't as good as white bread as a fishing bait. Hope this is a help for you. That's because it's gloomy down there, though. It's harder to see.

Isn't it? I mean, it's like if you see a light, if you're on the blink, the light's on the blink at night. Who uses that? It's an old television joke. You can see a swan, you'll see a swan at

300 yards, but I mean a mallard or someone, it's lost in the, it's the same process. 070, please tell Frank that Stephen King doesn't just write horror, a brilliantly written example is 112263, a gripping story about a time traveller

who attempts to prevent the assassination of JFK. Hate to appear presumptuous, but I think he'd love it. I'm going to write that down. What is it again? 112263. Is it a, is that the grid reference for where I'll find it? I think it might be. Well, of course, didn't he write Shawshank Redemption?

He did. Did he? He did. Well, I mean, that did all right. He's written a lot. Good old. There you go, Stephen King. Doing well.

Yeah. Time for more? I must admit. Come on, let's go. What are we wrapping up? 1-1. Yeah. Are we time for more? I must admit... Come on, let's squeeze one more. What are we wrapping up? 1-1-8. 1-1-8! Oh, yes, from those two guys.

Yeah, yeah. Lovely hair. If Frank is serious about his reptile viewing, he should really try La Ferme aux Crocodiles, brackets crocodile farm, at Pierre Latte in France. Admittedly, it's not near Cheltenham, being over 600 miles south of Calais,

but it is a thoroughly brilliant place. I might try. I think I might have been to that. If I like crocodiles of the world, that might be my next reptilian step. A little French trip. Yeah. Yeah.

That would be great. Imagine, I'm just snipping to France to check out some reptiles at the... Crocodile farm. The latte of crocodiles. The latte. Firm crocodiles with lattes. We've all got our specialities. I mean, that's certainly specialist interest.

That's like girl in bikinis with guns. Did you ever see that website? Anyway. No, I clear my history unlike you. He's sensible. So thank you so much for listening to us as well. And look, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we're back again this time next week.

Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.