The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - B-Cons

Episode Date: April 27, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the team are joined by Zoe Lyons. Frank has investigated a new chocolate treat he's discovered and has a fish and chip shop enquiry. The team also talk hovercars and boa constrictors.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. So this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Zoe Lyons and Alan Cochran. I nearly said Emily Dean there for a moment just out of habit. That would have been so rude. You can text our little show on 8-12-.15 follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio email the show via the Absolute Radio website morning guys hello Zoe, welcome

welcome back Zoe's just told me that she was on in Merthyr Tydfil last night doing stand up comedy about 9 hours ago good on you, what. What a trooper. Fair play. Yeah, and then I left this morning

and there's quite a big storm coming through Wales, I can tell you that, because it blew me all the way here. Ah. Proper dad driving on the way here. Like it when the show and the weather overlap. This is a good bit of... What, are you suggesting some sort of pathetic fallacy

when the show is a storm? Excellent. Ending fallacy reference. Well, Zoe was telling me this morning that she breakfasted on a chocolate croissant. Oh. And I quizzed her, I'll be honest, because I've noticed that people have started calling pain au chocolat a chocolate croissant.

Oh, have they? Which is unacceptable no it's a different thing isn't it and I'd like to tell you now I've never eaten a pan of chocolat without holding it up to my face to make it a pig snout

because of the chocolate nostrils at the end, chocolate nostrils by the way if there's any young kids listening looking for a name for their band you can have that the chocolate nostrils, by the way, if there's any young kids listening looking for a name for their band, you can have that. The chocolate nostrils. And, yeah, but some people do call them... Chocolate croissant. And, of course, you can't do that.

But the same ingredients, aren't they just different shape? Yeah, but the shape, of course, is everything with a croissant, because croissant is French for crescent. Of course, OK. And, yeah, that's more of a sort of dead end, a sort of pain au chocolat. Yeah, it is. Sort of a lay-by. Well, it's a snout.

A chocolate snout. Which was it? Which did you have, crescent or snout? I had the crescent. I wish the woman in the shop, I'm not stereotyping, she mentioned that it was a woman earlier. The woman, I was like, I don't want it. I wish she'd have said, crescent or snout.

Yeah, yeah. That would have been great. So anyway, welcome to the show. And welcome to you, obviously. Ta. But you know, you're always around. Drive through the night. Did you have a nice Easter?

Yes. You see, I don't think there's an offer that post-Easter. Oh, right. You see someone after Christmas, everyone asks you if you had a nice Christmas. No one, I don't think anyone I've met this week has asked me if I had a nice Easter. Oh.

Did you have a nice Easter, Frank? I did. I had a lovely Easter, thanks. I prefer Easter to Christmas. Do you? Less pressure on everything. Absolutely less pressure. A lot less pressure. A lot less pressure.

So much less pressure. And one of the more laid back religious festivals. Obviously religious wise it's still a big deal. But I mean, present buying is much more straightforward, isn't it? It's going to be an egg. Just a straightforward egg. Yeah.

Oh man. You're working off a list of pretty much chocolate, aren't you? And the pubs, I don't know how it is in the rest of the country, but in London, the pubs are even quieter on Easter rather than busier. Not where I live. Not in Brighton. Oh, no, if August are bright. The Sunday can be a bit busy, I think.

There's a lot of drinking and hijinks during the Easter weekend. I once went into a bar in Brighton over Easter. It was a Thursday, and it was quite late at night. One day Thursday. It was a Thursday before the show. He knows all the terms. And I said to the bloke, it was about midnight, and I said, what time do you shut?

And he went, Wednesday. But that is Brighton, isn't it? That's proper Brighton, yeah. That's lovely. But I tell you, I introduced Mike, because I have a six year old soon to be seven I introduced him to the egg punch thing

which I always used to look forward to at Easter when you hold a full steel silver paper covered egg and you punch it

oh and you know that gives you access I don't mean those ones that open in two halves you don't need to do it

with them but the ones that are complete egg, well not solid, that'd be a lot of chocolate. That'd be a lot of punching, yeah. Sounds fun. So I told him about it, so he didn't really hurt his hand. So that was a I think,

and again, I don't know if you know if Alan is a martial arts person. Expert. Not an expert. But wouldn't you say... He's sitting here in his pyjamas with his flat belt on. The people that punch their way through five sheets of slate being held by a junior. Oh, yeah.

Strong junior. Yeah. You have to believe. There can be no room for doubt in that, can you? You have to believe you can do it. I've never really known anyone that does any slate or wood breaking. Have you never smashed a slate with you? Never smashed anything with my bare hands. I mean, what bother doing martial arts if you're not going to do that?

I dropped a ball onto a plate this week and both broke, but that's as near as I've got to it. It's not a lot the same, is it? No, it's not the same. No but I think you have to believe with the egg punch and he had doubt, there was doubt in his mind. If you doubt the second before you hit then it's just, yeah. And I was doing

I was holding it, you know, like the junior, like the, what do you call those places where people do martial arts there's a Japanese name for it. A dojo. A dojo, I was like a dojo junior A dojo junior is also acceptable. A dojo. I was like a dojo junior. Pleasure centre is also acceptable. A dojonia, I was like.

And I held it for him. And I felt like a big, horrible school bully when he did it. Like I'd pulled a prank. But I did make, I made a shocking Easter egg discovery, which I shall share with you after this message. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This show has provided several civic duties over the years. I hope so. And as if to prove the point, we've just had an email from Simon, who said, Morning, Frank and team. I'm packing to go on holiday to Spain this morning, and I've just remembered what you said

about taking your old underwear with you and leaving it in the hotel bin when you leave, giving a nice light kiss for your return. And shoes. I've done it with shoes. Shoes as well. On their last, well, their last feet. Yes. And legs.

Although didn't some overzealous hotel person then return the shoes? Yeah, that was... That's a problem. Got rid of some rubbish shoes and they arrived in a big jiffy bag. Oh, no. I adopted that,

the holiday pants, as Simon calls it. And then I just got a bit too trigger happy and ended up with about three pairs of pants. You can't just throw all your pants in the bin because it makes your case lighter. No. You can do the thing of wearing one

distress pair and wear them until they disintegrate. But I don't recommend that as an official representative of Absolute Radio. They're against it. So anyway, are you familiar with the concept of the Kinder Egg? Oh, yeah. So the Kinder Egg, oh, I always thought was a clever idea.

It's a chocolate, brown chocolate out of shell. And then a white lining suggesting the albumen. Yeah? The what? That's the white of an egg, isn't it? The albumen. Inside the shell, yeah.

Yeah. No, the white of an egg is albumen. I think I'm right, 8-12-15. There's always someone science-y. Yeah. Or even a vet would know. And then the small container that has the novelty toy that you have to construct, that's yellow,

hence, you know, it's a yolk, so it's a clever idea. Oh, I see. So I got my kid three Kinder Eggs. I thought that was a good balance, you know. I want to remind him that I'm doing well without lapsing into Elton John territory. Not showing off. No.

And his mum also got him three, but she got him three things I wasn't aware of before called Kinder Joy. Do you know Kinder Joy? I used to work with a woman who had a lot of kids. They used to call her Kinder Joy. No, I made that up. That's when women used to be called Joy.

I haven't met anyone called Joy for 30 years. Anyway, Kinder Joy is a plastic egg, and it opens into two halves. One half is the toy. The other half is a strange, like a bowl of chocolate goo with two orbs, two like shredded wheat-based orbs

that sit in the middle. Do you remember, do you remember Mad Magazine? There used to be two characters in a strip called Spy vs. Spy. One was very all white and he had two shades on. It reminded me of that. I don't think it's supposed to be a reference. There's nothing egg-like about it. When you say goo, did you...

The chocolate you need to eat with a spoon. You have to eat it with a spoon? It sort of melts. Yeah, and it's white on the top and there's a hint of the brown underneath, but they haven't done any sort of egg shell. And the two brown things... Where's the joy?

Well, exactly. Oh. So I investigated this because it it made me angry it looked like if you could imagine um you know those bits in star wars when they're flying over a white desert and you might see like two small hearts oh yeah it looked like that again not a reference there after i don't think but i personally couldn't find the joy joy in Kinder Joy. So I did a bit of detective work and was shocked at my results. So I had a look at Kinder Joy. I went on the Kinder Egg website.

Can you believe it? The first thing I got was, please begin by submitting your date of birth. What? On the Kinder Egg? They're taking this Kinder thing very seriously. Is it only Kinders allowed? Well, I thought, that's got to be.

I'm not, I am damned, I thought, if I'm going to put in my age on the site. And then I thought, I saw there was a Kinder Joy website. Oh, yeah. So I thought, oh, well, I found a loophole here. So I went to that. And what I like about this, slightly phrased it differently, it opens with, in which year were you born?

Oh. But basically, I couldn't get on to either website without putting my age in. Why? For confectionery. Yeah, confectionery website. Anyway, this is what happened. This is why there is Kinder Joy. Because Kinder Eggs were banned in the USA.

Oh. As it was, you can't, this is the law, you can't sell food with something inside it that isn't food. What a brilliant law that is. What? Really? Yeah. I think it put the Christmas pudding market to... Oh, they probably don't sell it with a coin in it, do they?

No, they don't. Chickens I wondered about. Chickens? Well, they've got bones and things. Oh, yeah. I suppose it is true is I live with a woman actually who used to

chew the bones after a meal not chicken bones though I think every bone no a chicken bone couldn't take a good chewing I mean I'd chew a lamb bone but not a chicken bone

there was a marrow she was after is there marrow in chicken bones? oh yeah there's still there's a marrow a chicken bone

looks like a very low-ran kinder egg. It's got like a white inner bit and then a sort of a dark red marrow shadow. Anyway, so that's, can you believe the kinder eggs? Oh, I can believe it. A choking hazard. That's a big choker, isn't it, that yolk? That is, I mean, to not spot that, yeah.

We should say that Zoe said to me during the song, I wonder how many people have sneaked, smuggled, sneaked, smuggled. Snuggled. I meant it sneaked, which was a combination of sneaked and smuggled, because snuggled obviously would have been all wrong. How many people have smuggled stuff through customs in a Kinder Egg? And she said you could have it within you, even.

And I naively said, well, wouldn't the chocolate melt? But she just meant the yolk capsule. What a fool. What a fool I made of myself. 942 claims the only joy in the kinder joy is listening to Frank describe it. I don't normally read praise, but I felt like it was... It's such a... I was really let down by it.

I think they could have continued the egg theme in some way. But, I mean, it's not really in the... It's separate. The yolk is separate to the egg theme in some way. But, I mean, it's not really in the... It's separate. The yolk is separate to the egg. I mean, you'd have to be a complete idiot not to notice that. You just munched your way through and went... This is not going to lead to an anti-American remark.

Maybe. Hey, it comes with its own yolk! While we're on the subject of eggs and confectionery, can we not forget that the Spanish have fried egg-flavoured crisps that taste exactly of fried and confectionery, can we not forget that the Spanish have fried egg flavoured crisps that taste exactly like fried eggs? I mean, it's amazing. That's brilliant.

Why haven't we gone? Well, we've got fried eggs. Oh, they've got fried eggs? I thought this was some substitute they'd have to come up with. Oh, OK. Makes you wonder what their motivation was if they've already got Friday. Weird, isn't it? But really, I was shocked by the whole thing.

The whole kinder thing. Kinder joy. Yeah. I'm going to have to get one now because I can't picture what it's... I'm going to have to open it. When Faye goes out for the coffee run, we'll see if she can't find you.

I imagine they're half price now, are they, after Easter? You just did a thing that I associate with posh people. You said, we'll see if she can't find us one. Did I say that? I used to do a joke about posh people being negative because they say things like, let's see if we can't find a coffee. I used to say, let's see if we can find a coffee. I don't think I see...

But I want one. Can we rewind now? Can we do rewind? You'd think in 2019 you'd be able to rewind your own radio show. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a good question from Howard. I love a good question. Are ice lollies banned in the US?

They have sticks in them. Oh, good question. I think it's a good question. Maybe if some part of that inner item is... It's protruding. It is protrusion. There's probably some... I bet there's what they call an Alfresco percentage clause.

Excellent. Whereas if there's a certain part of it outside of the... You really should have had a career in law, I think. Oh, you'll be referring to the old Alfresco percentage clause. Yeah, I believe it was in the Titanic case. Yeah. In regards to the iceberg. One-eighths needs to be protruding. Well, I think it's two-thirds, isn't it,

with the traditional iceberg. That's why the Titanic people, when they went to court full of confidence and then some smart-aleck defence lawyer came up with the Alfresco percentage clause, and they missed that. Well, don't many people listen to this think that's true? Whenever I think about the Titanic,

I always think about the money they wasted on that anchor. Anyway, so, oh, to you, I had a bit of a discovery this week. Kendricks. Yeah, well, that was one of my discoveries. Also,

I did Zoe Ball's radio show on Radio 2. I'm told it's the biggest radio show in Europe apart from, you know, as far as listeners and that is concerned. Did they mention that to you, knowing that you do this? No. Yeah, they're just robbing my, they're holding, it was either they were holding my head down a toilet.

Yeah, what they call online weird flex. What does that mean? I mean, it's like a strange bit of bullying or showing off, I think. Oh, weird flex. I like that. I think that's what they say. I'm going to write that down. Is it flex as in wire? F-L-E-X.

I'm saying that, I can't actually spell weird, I never realised. Is it I before E? Just put odd flex. That sounds like a very rubbish off-licence. Oddflex. Is I before E in weird? No, I think it's W-E-I-R. It's E first.

Flex, F-L-E-X. I've written it down. Yeah, we'll add a bit. So, but I'll tell you what. I said, well, are you going to send me a car? And they said, no, they don't do cars. You have to make your own way there if you're a guest. I said, what's the biggest radio show in Europe?

Yeah. So I did. I was on the biggest radio show in Europe. I had to get the bus in. I mean, it's an all-time low for me. I can't believe... The result of having that bus pass, though, eh? Oh, God. I mean, there was that.

Yeah. Yeah. They thought they'd got me, but I whipped out the over-60s. You win in the end, Frank. I think so. Yeah. But what a shocker, because we pay for... When we have guests on this show we get them a car

yeah on this show and then the biggest and what's your European ranking biggest well I'll check that out

actually I don't know if there was a league table partly sort of merged I'm not sure we'd be in the alfresco percentage

let's put it that way but yeah it's made me think now, what fools we've been getting people cars. But on the biggest radio show in Europe, I'm on the bus. And it's still a breakfast show, right? Don't get me wrong, I loved it. Loved Zoe Ball, I love.

It was a pleasant experience. It was just the outer casing. Yeah. The albumen, that was the problem. The yoke, I was fine with. Can I say, I was great on it, despite everything.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Have we had any answers to any of my queries? We've had an interesting answer from,

well, in my opinion. I interest 730 morning team my great great grandfather worked in the foundry that made and i quote the only thing not used on titanic bracket no absence of the yeah don't Titanic's got in common with the carpenters. I don't mean the ones who made it. You know carpenters, they're called carpenters. A lot of people call them the carpenters. Does this happen with Eurythmics as well, or is it the other way around?

The Eurythmics. I don't think people say the Eurythmics, but they definitely say the Carpenters. Is it the Beatles? Oh, no, it is the Beatles. It is the Beatles. With an A. Hence, with the Beatles. Oh, the Beatles.

Yeah. And we've had an email from Marion in Brittany in France. Oh, I was hoping you were going to say Sherwood Forest. Yeah. Brittany. In Brittany. Lovely. I'm in my shop in central Brittany in France

eating a pain au chocolat. Don't ever ask for a chocolate croissant over here. You'll get your ears boxed. Oh, old school. That's lovely, isn't it? Probably not by a French person, though. They're on a break. Are they?

Yeah. I can't box your ears now. I take a break now. I can't believe we started with Madame Trudeau this morning and now we're doing Zoe's French impression, which I thought was very good. Pretty good. If you could see the facial expression as well.

I mean, that's the... Can I tell you something I'm worried about? I've been to two fish and chip shops in recent times, none of which would sell me cod roe. Oh, no. No. Where did you get cod roe at a fish and chip shop? That's what...

I grew up on rowing chips. That was like a big... I remember he was brilliant, Mr Bean. Knowing rowing chips... I don't think I've ever had it. I'm not certain. It's like a disc. Here's what it is.

It's like a chubby... The shape of it... I don't know what the geometric thing... You know air hockey? Yes. If you can imagine the puck, a chubby,

if you, a chubby version of the air hockey puck. Yeah. Battered. It's like that. And of course, it's tiny little pink eggs.

It's lovely. And it was absolutely the thing, rowing chips. I once had a runner. In my chat show years, my glory days, I had a runner who was quite posh. A runner is a person who goes and does all your errands.

And I said, could you get me rowing chips? And he said, yes, right away. And he'd never heard of it either. So he went to a local fish and chips shop. They did have it, but he didn't know what it constituted. So he came back with seven roe and chips.

I mean, a great gargantuan helping of roe. It's probably why there was a cod shortage afterwards. Got all those fish. I hadn't thought of that, actually. It wasn't overfishing, it was you with your seven roes. It was calling. But I really, I'm very, very anxious.

If I got to the point, this is when Marky Smith died, I remember thinking, I'll never see another Fall gig and being absolutely distraught. The idea that I won't be able to get Rowan Chips again within a couple of years, honestly, genuinely, distresses me. I think we'll get emails and text messages now saying...

Well, please, I'm looking for help. I need a helpline, never mind email. Even you two look to me like what are you talking about? That worries me. Come on, guys. Help me out. 81215. That worries me. Come on, guys. Help me out. 8, 12, 15. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. Is there any Roe news? Oh, my goodness. Is there ever? You've lit up the switchboard with your discussion of Cod Roe. The thing is with this, though, this is not comedy. I really want to know what the decision-making is. Frank, I 100% agree, this is not comedy. 993 has texted, and I hope this is a deliberate thing rather than a typo,

but it says, no problem in the middle lands still. Middle space. Who's it from? Tolkien. It's got a certain ancient... Well, actually, the two chip shops that I tried, one of them was in Cheltenham,

which is, you know, not a million miles from the Midlands. Well, this person claims, we still have it in our chippy in the lovely village of Alruas. Alruas? Alruas, just north of Litchfield Keep up, oh that's praise we don't read that. What's the chances

of that being the right pronunciation out of a hundred? Danny from Exmouth has texted in to say, hi Frank and team, I run a proper fish and chip company in Exmouth, we sell cod roe and it's still a firm favourite here. We won't be taking it off the menu any time soon. I wonder if that's a little joke about firm favourite,

because it's not, is it? It's not very firm. You've shown us a picture of what it looks like. Oh, it is firm. It is firm. That's firm. Yeah, it's firm. It looks like fish pate.

I mean, there are too many of these, but another one that's quite detailed, 663. Frank, I'd wager the majority of chippies in Telford, Shropshire do cod roe, but definitely the following. Silverfish, Tanbank, Wellington, and your old Victorian fryer, Furnace Lane. I think that's probably enough for now, rather than just... I don't know if I'd go to a chip shop called Silverfish.

Those are those things that run around your lino if you put the light on at night. Blimey. That's the diet section. Imagine battering one of those babies. Poor man's whitebait. That's what that is. Telford, if I remember rightly,

was in the survey as the least religious place in Britain. Was it really? Yes, so, you know. I would have thought Brighton, where I live, would be that. Would you really? Yeah. I had some people knock on my door recently trying to spread the word of Jesus,

and they said, can I introduce you to Jesus? And I said, I've had a look and I'm not very interested, thank you. And they said, could we leave you some information? I went, I've investigated and I think I'll leave it interested, thank you. And they said, could we leave you some information? I went, I've investigated and I think I'll leave it. And the woman just, she was on my doorstep, she just shrugged and just sighed really heavily and went, oh, we're just finding it so hard

in Brighton. She said, why do you think this is? And I went, it's quite a lot of wind chimes and dream catchers, that's what you're up against here I think. Yeah, but that suggests people who believe in something other here, I think. Yeah, but that suggests people who believe in something other than the physical world. Yeah, but...

My problem with dream catchers is I'm never sure how often you're supposed to change the filter. Yes. I mean, my kid's got one. I think it must be... Nightmares have started to filter. It must be well bonged up. Still.

952 has messaged about the Kinder Eggs and America. For the last ten years, we've risked our lives and reputation smuggling in the said eggs to the USA. Wow. To satisfy our nephews' and nieces' needs. I think I read, actually, in my investigation, that there was a black market in America for Kinder Eggs. Well, they continue,

Our stress this Easter transpired to be unnecessary when our first trip to Walmart in Phoenix revealed a full aisle of Kinder Eggs and their Yorkie surprises. Oh. So it turns out it is available. It's good. It's definitely illegal. It could set off a whole new Netflix.

Illegal. In America? Yeah. Well, we're all in for you. It could set off a whole new Netflix sort of documentary, couldn't it? Sort of like a Narcos for eggs. Well, I tell you, it's... Kinder eggs.

It's... I've looked into it. It's definitely banned there. And that's what the joy is. The joy is to get round it. Do they sell them beside the guns, I wonder, in the supermarket? I wonder if you could use one of the yokes as a cartridge in time of emergency. Oh, maybe if you filled it with something quite dense.

Otherwise it's presumably just a smudge. Imagine being rushed to hospital after being shot there and they take three parts that build into a small motorbike. I think that would be smuggling at its best. Yeah, I... Oh, we mentioned air hockey. I'll come to this in a minute.

Air hockey, that's something I haven't even thought about for such a long time. I'm going to think about it now. Stick around. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. By the way, I had a letter from Tracy McVeigh. McVeigh? McVeigh? McVeigh sounds right. Who sent me a very old, well, it would have to be old,

because it's the Melody Maker. She sent me a copy of the Melody Maker with an interview by The Fall. I only had a quick glance at it this morning, by the way, but I already saw Mark Eastman describing himself as a contrary swine. No one ever says that in popular music anymore but anyway she said I've sent this for two reasons one I love you

and two I'd quite like to be mentioned on the radio done and done yeah whenever anyone says I love you apart from my own partner of course who I think said it in I think it was the late 90s, I think of that dog on the internet who goes,

I love you. I love you. It's the most terrifying. I don't think I've seen that. Oh, man, you should look it up. I love you. Get off me. Yeah, but they say they love you.

Yeah. Yeah, they don't really. The dogs? The dogs, yeah. I don't know about Tracy McVay. She might be sincere. We were talking about air hockey and then the producer, Sarah Bishop,

showed me a picture of her and her dad playing air hockey in a hall and it was on an undulating table. What? What? How does it even work? Yeah, it's like... I thought it needed the... Exactly. You'd think it was all about being horizontal.

What, like jumps on it or a scoop it's like if you imagine playing in a valley football in a valley well air hockey in a valley so it's going up the hillside and then coming back down into the dip

and then going up the other hillside surely you run the risk of losing your puck in a trough which is not a sentence I ever thought I'd say. No, exactly. I'm edgy that you tried it on Breakfast Radio. It's the only real... I've mentioned this before because it's an obsession of mine. When we were young,

we were promised by the 21st century hover cars. That was an absolute... Definitely. That was nailed on. Now we've got air hockeys as close probably as we've got to it. Well, and adult scooters. That's a thing now.

Adult electric scooters. But they don't hover. They don't hover, but that's what we've got. That's the reality. That's the brutal reality of where we are. What about the hover mower? How does that operate? Is that on air jets coming out the bottom of it? No.

No. It's not the nature of hovering unless you're a magician. I don't think it really hovers. I think it just sort of is moved across. The hover mower doesn't hover. I don't think it does. Does it mow it just sort of is moved across. The hover mower doesn't hover. I don't think it does. Does it mow?

I think it mows. God, that's a real shocker to me. It must have air that comes out the bottom. It doesn't have one of those frilly skirts on like a ferry hov. Like a Brittany ferry. Yeah, what's the thing that Christopher... The hovercraft. Hovercraft.

Yeah. Yeah, it has a skirt full of air. Yeah. It's happened to all of us. That is... Do you think they hover? I just assumed that they were being manned, if you will. Hold on, is there still a possibility?

I was so absolutely downcast by the news that they didn't hover. No, I think they still might hover. I think I just could be wrong. If anyone's got a hover mower at home, let us know if they do actually hover. What I mean is, could you run a sheet of A4 underneath it as it worked? No. Actually, that'd be dangerous.

Don't do that. Get ripped up, yeah. Can I say that'd be dangerous? I don't want anyone losing a thumbnail on my watch. No. We've had various scientific answers to your hovercraft, not hovercraft, hover mower question. I said that I didn't think that it was...

You said it didn't hover. I didn't think it was hovering. Yeah. 806 has probably provided us with the most comprehensive answer. Hi Frank and team again. Hover mowers use the rotation of the blade to create a disturbed

cushion of air that slightly elevates the mower. So there is, it does hover? Yeah, well, slightly. Well, the test, I think... Slightly. I've always felt the test for any hovering is the hoop passed below, isn't it?

That's what magicians always do. No, I don't think it hovers that much. Oh, OK. Chris is a product designer, he says afterwards, which makes him sound cool as well. I love the expression, a disturbed cushion of air. Yes. I'm going to use that as the excuse from now on after dinner.

Apologies. A disturbed cushion of air. 504. Oh, is that the same chap? No, it's not. A different chap that designs lawnmowers for a living. Confirm hover mowers do hover. Very inefficient cutting technique, apparently.

Oh. Who knew? Well, I... The hockey, air hockey, I can't think of any other, not only arcade games, but anything else that uses that particular technology. You know, in Doctor Who sometimes

where he goes like into the 1940s and he'll see like something and say hold on, they're not supposed to have this technology for another 500 years. And that's why he knows there's been aliens. I wonder if aliens brought us air hockey and then

left. We seem to have got it too soon. It's a good theory. Yeah, it's way ahead of the rest of it. Yeah, we're not doing anything good with it yet. No, I mean, you could have it in a restaurant. Right. Just pasta food.

It'd be like a very, it'd be a disturbed air version. Like a real high-techno Lazy Susan. Yeah, exactly. The sushi wheel. And if you could have warm air to keep the food warm. Oh, yeah. The hover car, if they'd persevered with the hover car, which I think they promised me on Tomorrow's World about 35

years ago. I was thinking the other day, I went over quite a big pothole. I mean, a big job pothole. And I thought thinking the other day, I went over quite a big pothole. I mean, a big job pothole. And I thought, the hover car, the money they spent on the technology of the hover car, they would have saved on road repair. Because the roads would be in absolutely brilliant shape.

Pristine condition. Somebody would have to go out and polish the roads, though, wouldn't they? Because you'd need a very smooth surface to maintain... The hovering. Yeah, you could... Well, I could, yeah. Well, I don't know, I mean, you'd seem to have details of hover technology.

I don't know, but I dare say the designers will be in touch if that's not accurate. What I would like to know is how close have we got to a hover car? Right? I know you're not going to get one if you're doing Zoe Ball's show. But has there ever been one at a, you know these things

like the World's Fair which I don't even know what that is except there's one in an Elvis film but they used to have a thing called the World's Fair well like boats turn into helicopters it showcased the sharp end, the state of the art and what was happening there.

I wonder if there's ever been a hover car other than in something like Stingray. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. 727 is asking the pertinent question, surely a hover car is just a hovercraft, which do exist. I mean, I might have given it a bit of tone there.

Well, the way I sold them is that they didn't have the skirt, so they're actually above the ground, like a magician's levitation lady. Well, that thing that you call Star Wars, the thing that Mark Hamill drives around. Luke. Yeah. They would have wheels that came up and then flap out

and then in. Would they? Well, I suppose parking, you'd use a lot of energy parking if you left it in hover. Yeah, you'd have to stick it back into sort of wheel mode. Also, you know, there'd be someone sleeping under it when you're gone. Yeah. And you'll be worried about starting. If it rained

that night, there'll be people sleeping under your hover car. That'd be annoying. 082, hi, just heard you mention hovercraft. Can you mention there is hovercraft racing next weekend at Allerton in Yorkshire? It's the start of the season for 2019. Very seasonal,

the hovercraft racing world yes there'll be land hovercraft you can go over the land on the hovercraft I can't sue and sigh in Leicestershire I've got professional commitments but I'm guessing that these guys will be free

I thought you were saying that I thought it was some sort of legal sue and sigh in Leicestershire. That's for people who spend a lot of money and then the case doesn't work, they sue and sigh. No win, no fee, sue and sigh. Anyway, I feel bad that we've been on air over an hour and a half,

and we haven't really spoken to Zoe about her crazy old life, because she hasn't been on the show for... I assume that she came in wanting to talk about hovercraft and Kinder Eggs. I'm very happy. I wanted to talk about that in Cod Row. Detailed Cod Row, actually.

But eventually we've got round to what we... Let's call it the lion's share. Oh, see what he's done there. There's been very little going on, I'll be honest with you. I'll tell you what I have been doing. You're right, I've got news for you this week. I was, yeah. God, you've changed.

There's very little going on. Quiet week for me. Quiet week. I was on the bus on my way to a radio show. Yeah, but with the swings and roundabouts of showbiz I was doing Have I Got News For You recorded on Thursday night and then last night, Friday night I was in a labour club in Merthyr Tydfil.

Tydfil. Tydfil. Tydfil. Yeah, but what was more enjoyable? Ooh. You don't have to answer that. They both had their moments of joy. That's like what's your favourite child, isn't it? It's just wrong. I've been, I tell you what,

I've been adjusting to the change of the seasons and getting up a little earlier. That's as exciting as my life gets. Deliberately or because... Yeah. Because you get a lot of seagull action in Brighton. You do get a lot of seagull... And right now they're quite busy.

They are quite... It can sound like banshees on a night out. Busy. Busy, busy. Or courting. Courting, yeah. All right, I'm all right. Yeah.

But I live in Hove, so you get a much better class of seagull where I am. Of course. They're a bit less on... You know, yeah. All right, I'm all right. Yeah. But I live in Hove, so you get a much better class of seagull where I am. Of course. They're a bit less on, you know, yeah. You'll find them with their head in the pot of baba ganoush. I love baba ganoush, actually. Oh, they love a bit of baba ganoush. Do they?

But, yeah, I've been getting up, I've been starting to get up about 6, 6.30. Have you? Yeah. Is that the age thing? I think it might be an age thing. But being a comedian and working at night, I know, you always hear this, we've got,? I think it might be an age thing. Because pensioners... I know, you always hear this,

I can't sleep past six o'clock, it's the onions I had the night before wake me up. But yeah, I get so much stuff done by about 8.30 and then nothing happens for the rest of the day. So it swings from round about. So is it deliberate? Are you setting an alarm? No, I just wake up now. That's it roundabouts. So is it deliberate? Are you setting an alarm? No, I just wake up now.

That's it. Okay. That is it. I think this is called insomnia, isn't it? No, I go to sleep at night, but I wake. So you go into bed earlier? Well, when I'm working, it's usually quite late. It can be till one, two o'clock, but I'll still wake up about six.

Well, then you're going to collapse in the street. I'm not working. 9.30 bedtime. Oh, I love a 9.30 bedtime with a cocoa. I'm slightly fascinated by other people's bedtimes. Every time this comes up, I find it interesting. If you've not got a gig,

9.30, I can go to bed at 9.30. Oh, I love that. A little bit of a cocoa. Yeah, I've done, I mean, I've not got a gig, I can go to bed at 9.30. Wow. Oh, I love that. A little bit of a cocoa. Yeah, I've done, I mean, I've done nine. Yeah. No. What time do you do them? What a treat.

If I wasn't working, it would probably be half ten earliest. You're crazy. Wild times. I'm a grown-up. I know. You two are babies. Half ten. Well, I've gone through my stay awake all weekend thing.

Now. Right. Oh, nine o'clock. Oh, nine o'clock. I've just got myself some new slippers as well. And they're proper German slippers. Like, you can hear me coming from miles away. They're a solid, sensible slipper.

Have they got clickable heels? I feel like a little wood whittler or something in them. There's something really cosy about them. OK. Yeah. I still can't work out what they are, but we've got to go to a break. There might be an advert for said slippers.

That would be a coincidence. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio Absolute Radio If we had any, I was hoping we'd get like, I don't know, Ricky Gervais texting and say, well, I had a car when I did Zoe Ball. Oh, right.

I thought you were going to say what time they went to bed if they weren't working. No, but there must be people who do get cars. I think so. You see, but I think there might be people who think they've got cars and haven't. Because I asked my management about not getting a car on the Zoe Ball show. And they said, well, some, you know, if places don't do cars, what we normally do is we organise the car. And then it's, you know, it's charged to your expenses.

I said never ever do that again. I mean never. If I have to walk Would you send them a photo of your bus pass? Not getting a car

is a slap in the face. Then paying for my own car to go and do something. Through a third party. I can't live with that. No. I've got international representation. Yeah, I'll get you a flight to somewhere if you want. Yeah.

I was hoping to find a message about, I want you to recall it, the bedtimes that people have if they haven't got something on that evening. But no, it's more hover cars. Hi, team. You laughed about hover cars needing the road smooth and polished. In Belfast, we have recently got glider buses, which are supposed to look like they hover

it required miles of brand new brand newly surfaced roads because of the bend in the middle the roads need to be completely flat i don't know what that means i think it might mean the bend of the bus oh they look like those benji bus things yeah because they used to have buses in london that had like a sort of corrugated robber middle section. That's right, yeah. We used to play French music as it went round the corner. You really want, but wasn't that a disappointment? Yes.

That it didn't, when it braked quickly, you went... It didn't do it. That's why they became unpopular. Anyway, they say it's really funny that they're supposed to look like they hover down the road. They then suggest that we search for images because when they began they hit traffic lights and got stuck on the roads because they were so long um i don't know if i want to see images of crashes but i feel like this text could be the start of the idea that it was it was a serious journalism it was a hoax it was a scam no i think it was a thing no no but it pretended to hover, but it didn't really. Oh, right, yeah, yeah. So this reminds me, I went to the Samuel Beckett Festival in a skilling,

and I drove down, I was driven down, they supplied a car. Yeah. I was driven down the high street, and I thought, God, look at all these lovely cafes, pubs, and they look great, a real happening place. It was then pointed out to me by the driver that these were murals

of people enjoying themselves that had been stuck on the inside of the windows. A lot of these places were closed and they'd been put there because the G8 summit had been held there

and they wanted to look like a thriving community. So, you've got to, I mean, it's all smoke and mirrors, Northern Ireland. Is there a Northern Ireland? I mean,

you'd have to be really unobservant to notice they weren't real people. No, you would be. It was really well done. They weren't painted. It wasn't like the Arsenal Mule. It was like holograms. There were photos, but they, honestly... Were they moving pictures? Was it like VT, as they say in the business?

No, but it was sufficiently made a bit hazy and distant that it looked like... I think some of them might have been extras, like paid proper... I don't know why they didn't go for the G8. You'd think they'd go as far as extras, but no, they just went for the... The fool Barack Obama, the bloke told me.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what we should discuss, and that is the legendary dad, Bruce Baker, who... Legendary dad. Legendary dad. He's got four kids, apparently, and he has spoken this week in the news

of his shock at his children finding a boa constrictor in their garden. A seven-foot snake in Scotland. I mean, they're not indigenous. This isn't... It's not a thing. No. Where are they?

Where do they live? Good question. Oh, Australia. Oh, do they have that? Because I've encountered them there in the wild. Have in the wild? Yeah, in the wild. Oh, beacon.

Yeah, yeah. Beacon in the wild? Yeah, yeah. Camping in Australia. Woke up in the morning to, I would say, 12 to 13 foot boa constrictors mating in front of our tent. Oh, get a room. Yeah. I thought he was going to say one round each leg. No.

No, I've soaked there. Oh, man. Africa, South America. Right. Good information. Yeah, you've got a snake info. Snake knowledge. As far as if you're called lions, you feel a certain obligation. Yeah, across all the animals. Well, one thing, a great quote from

Bruce Baker when asked about the snake he said it's one that can wrap around you I thought David Attenborough now can

retire his legacy his site oh one of those mind you the SP whatever they are the royal

the Scottish version of the Royal Prevention of... Cruelty to... They're not called the RSPCA, they're a thing. No, Scottish Protection for Cruelty... Yeah, but surely they are royal. Yeah, they just don't bang on about it. I don't know why there's a separate one, but anyway. They described it as being quite thin.

Yes. It's a snake. Yeah. I mean, I'd say that's a traditional look. I think they're looking at it with an expert's eye there, actually. Oh, wow. Because a boa constrictor can be quite stocky. Can they really?

Yeah, a bit stocky. It's the first one they've eaten. Yeah. Well, they reckon that he'd been straying for some time. Oh, we all know men like that. What was his... Who was his lightest squeeze? It's when you see them on documentaries and they've just eaten a goat and they're just sort of lying there in the shape of a goat.

Well, that's what I look like. That's how I look, very, very thin, and then just a lump in the middle of me, where my belly is. And I always think I look like one of those. They eat them whole, though. Yeah. Dislocate their jaw. Yeah, their jaw can open to the point where...

I can do that. I can do that. You can eat buffet. They're basically a hold-all. Yeah. They aren't, actually. That's why they make excellent handbags. Yeah, there's no wonder, is there?

But... And sleeping bags, actually. But could you... I wonder if anyone's ever been consumed by one and then got out. Well, all right. Oh, well, I wonder how far in you have to get before you can get out. Yeah, I would say...

If I woke up in a... Say if I'm in the jungle, I'm going to carry some sort of knife. If I woke up and realised I was in a beacon, I could just cut my way out, couldn't I? I reckon anything above the knee and you're in danger. You reckon? I reckon if above the knee and you're in danger. You reckon? I reckon if you're knee deep in it. Well, now, of course, we're into the alfresco clause.

This is a different thing altogether. If you're a third already in a boa constrictor, then I think you've got problems. Of course, the thing that's plagued me for years, because I'm imagining the digestive juices go to work, and's how they, otherwise they'd have that lump forever. Well, yeah, they get through quite a lot of Gaviscon, I'd imagine. I mean, it's going to repeat on you. If you eat a whole goat, it's going to, at some point during the evening, you've got to, excuse me, sorry, that's repeating.

Shouldn't have had that. Should have taken the hooves off. But I have often thought, why don't our own digestive juices digest us? Well, sometimes they do. In tiny... That's where you get an ulcer. Oh. Yeah. But we're meat. I feel like it should be.

We are. Yeah, but then if you've got too much, then you sort of... You corrode yourself, don't you? You do, really. There are various ailments where the body is attacking itself. Yeah. There are various.

Not just my left shoulder when I sleep on it. Hence the saying, my feet are killing me. Yes, exactly. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've actually been corrected. 583 has texted. Not Australia, Central and South America only. Oh, that's my snake knowledge.

Well, I was thinking, Python's what I was thinking of. Yeah, and also, can I just say, obviously not Central and South America only, because it's in Scotland. Scotland as well. Yeah. Snakes are fine as long as they're where they should be.

It's when you find them where they shouldn't be that they, that's when, you know you hear these awful stories of people lifting up toilet lids and there's a snake in there. Like, no! Yeah.

This was wrapped around a kid's bike. Yeah. Stabilisers. What would you... I think I would have gone back in the house and you finally used

that body lotion somebody bought me about three years ago which I've never worked out what you do with it. Because if... I don't know if you've ever... Put it on your body. Have you ever attempted it, though, body lotion?

You put it on, and then you put your clothes on, and they're just like... Oh, it's clammy. It's disgusting. Who would do that? Yeah, it's weird, isn't it? But if you put that on, then, of course, you wouldn't be able to get any proper purchase.

Oh, I see, to make yourself... Oh, yeah. Oh, like sort of jellied. To make yourself unconstrictable. To grease yourself up. I bet they could still do it. Do you think? Yeah, I think they're that strong they could still constrict on you.

Will nothing stop them? I'm fairly sure they will. That's what I think. What about the national obesity crisis? That must be pushing them to their absolute limits. It could be. That's a very interesting survival technique, though. Yeah, we're really going for it.

To lube yourself up to the point of being... I thought you meant to get clinically obese. Oh, yeah. And then cover yourself in moisture. Yeah, I'm going to Central America on safari. I'm planning to put on at least 12 stones before I go. Can you imagine them just not being able to touch toe and tail

the constrictor. The kids were apparently totally fine. Blase, he said, which I like. Yeah. Scottish turn of phrase somehow.

He wants to be careful using stuff like that. He'll be tarred and feathered by the locals. They've got a lovely turn of phrase in Scotland often. Blasie. I reckon that's what he said. That's a nice blasie you're wearing.

But is the danger... I mean, if there's a snake that can bite you, obviously you want... You know, if a cobra's outside the house. But I always imagine it's not a quick process, the constricting. They have those stories that they lie next to people to see if they can contain them, don't they? Yeah, is that true?

What, measure themselves up? A bloke said he was sleeping. It was one of these survival things. He said he saw this snake and it just lay at the side of him and extended till its full thing thing. To see if it to see if he'd fit. That's like when you park in a car and you're sort of beside a space and you're going, am I the same size as that?

Yeah, yeah. Tricky, isn't it? I reckon I can get in there. I mean, that one could take Peter Crouch. Seven foot. It really could though. Luckily of course, Crouchy could cut his way out with his elbows. Yes.

He'd robot dance his way out. Yeah. He'd make himself very... But if you just get a sense of seven foot, that'd take any, most human beings. Yeah, most, yeah. I suppose the world's tallest man can sleep easy in Central America. How tall is he?

Oh, he's seven something. Is he? So if a boa constrictor ate the world's tallest man, the only bit that's sticking out would be his head. Of the head of a boa constrictor. Oh, that's the stuff of David Lynch Nightmares, isn't it? That's a sleeping bag. Yeah, that is a sleeping bag.

And also, it would look a bit like those feasts that Henry VIII had where there's several birds all together. Oh, like a kazooki. As long as there's no novelty items in there. That's why Henry VIII never went to America. He just couldn't eat that stuff. It's totally illegal. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

When they measure you, snakes... Oh, I thought you meant tailors. Yeah. Do they click back into the coil, like those metal tape measures you get when you press the button? Or the reflective wristbands that you can get sometimes. They do that same thing, don't they? Do you mean the ones that's like bicycle clips that you eat them? Oh, like snap over your... Yeah, they do that same thing, don't they? Do you mean the ones that's like bicycle clips? Yes.

Oh, like snap over your... Yeah, yeah, they're good, aren't they? They're good, aren't they? I don't think they're that quick, the beacons. I think they are. You think they're as quick as one of those bicycle clips? They wrap around your leg and just click in place? No, they can't be that fast, can they?

They look like they're slow, but they're like a sort of... I think in short bursts they can really surprise you. They don't look like they're slow. What are they doing, moonwalking? Well, they don't do anything for a long time. No, but that's my point with them. I think that's like me.

Yeah. I think that's like me. Like greyhounds. They don't do a lot for a long time and then they're very, very fast. I've that's like me. Like greyhounds. They don't do a lot for a long time, and then they're very, very fast. I've got a whippet. I'd be more frightened of a greyhound. Would you?

You'd be wrong. They'd jump up and bite you. I'm pretty sure you'd be wrong, but then again, I am seeing the several text messages that are coming in of snake horror stories, and you may not be. Okay. Don't read those.

397. It's going to. No, I'm not going to read out those are the horrible ones, but a bit of factual from Lucy. Oh, no, not from Lucy. From 397. I used to have a 10-foot boa called Lucy. You're dead before they swallow.

Does she mean feather boa? Yeah. If you swallowed one of them, you would be. Yeah, you'd be really, yeah. Yeah, God, that would be so irritating if you swallowed one of them yeah yeah god that'd be so irritating if you swallowed one of them and a good question from 082 boa what if you turned sideways would it still be able to swallow you how surely if you change your shape to be a bit more awkward that would put it off wouldn't it make yourself bigger yeah the trouble is you get a red card in the current FIFA rulings.

I don't think that would work because they're tubular, aren't they? Yeah, and also... They're not like a big envelope. So if you go sideways, they won't get you in. They are, though, aren't they? Surely if you're sideways... They are not like a big envelope. Take that back.

They can't move their jaw wide. It's not like Wallace and Gromit or something. Yeah, but the same way you wouldn't eat a sausage side-on. You'd just wait for it to turn round and then you'd... Oh, I see what you mean. I've never thought of eating a sausage side-on. No, because it would be ridiculous. This would be great for the social media.

I thought at first you said... Side-on sausage. I thought at first you said a sausage side I thought at first you said a sausage Saigon I thought it was a meal You know like baked Alaska Stir fry What would a sausage Saigon It would rotate

Like the propeller of the Of the helicopter in Miss Saigon Anyway they don't exist Don't try and buy one. So on the same system, do, so boa constructors, Kenny,

they do do that. They're the squeezing thing. Boa constructors. Yeah, the constructors. Bob the Builder of the snake world. Yeah, that'd be good.

Oh, we had a couple of boa constructors who'd done a granny flat on the back of their house. Now we can't find granny. Yeah, of course, if granny was flat,

she'd be perfectly safe. Apparently, unless they roll them. Do they ever roll? Do bears hug, or is that a... Oh, a bear hug? Yeah. Oh, good question.

Because whenever you hear of people being killed... Remember that film when the bloke's killed by a bear at the end? Grizzly Man, recommended. It just sounds like... Oh, well, Frank's just spoiled the end for you. Yeah, whoops.

It was more Grizzly Man at the end, wasn't it? But he's ripped, I mean, he's not hogged, is he? No. He's clawed. I think it's got alfresco claws the bear but do they

is the hogging an urban myth because I think that's not their normal killing method for bears Hugging? No I think it's claws and teeth isn't it Yeah but they would get you with both their claws wouldn't they With both their claws No, isn't it? Yeah, but they would get you with both their claws, wouldn't they? With both their claws?

During the hook? No, but isn't the idea that not like a boa constructor... That they squeeze you to death? No, I don't think that's true. Isn't that true? You don't think so? No, that's not true. I might let him back in bed then tonight. My teddy.

My brother used to live in Alaska and you used to have to walk through the forest with bells in the summer because of the bears. And then apparently when they ever found a dead bear, they'd open it up and it'd be full of bells. Really? Yeah. You see, I'd like to go

there and not wear bells and be known and have a reputation for my courage. And then at the end of the year get the Nobel Prize. Ah! Thank you. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. Here's a question. Do you think anyone has ever been, say, in the jungle? Where do they live, the beacons?

Beacons? Central America. Boa constrictors. Central America's where they do they live, the beacons? Beacons? Central America. Boa constrictors. Central America's where they live. When you say beacons, you're saying bee con as boa constrictor. Yeah, like P-cap is Peter Capaldi. Oh. Yeah. It's taken me a while to untangle that. I thought

it was a name for boa constrictor. Beacons, as in J-Lo. Yes. Well, I've got there in the for boa constrictor. Beacons, as in J-Lo. Yes. Well, I've got there in the end. Yeah, OK. Do you think anyone has ever been in Central America and they got attacked by a wild dog or something

and thought, I'm going to perish from this wound, losing a lot of blood, and then they've seen a beacon and been able to use it as a tourniquet for saving their life. I think we'd have read about it. I'm going to write that as a short story. To be honest, we read about a beacon

being in a Scottish patio. Anything's possible. So I think we would have heard. You'd need a fairly thin beacon. 806 has told us Hi Frank and team again, again they don't squeeze, they don't have the energy to squeeze for a prolonged

period. As you breathe in, they only close up, gradually preventing you from breathing out. Back out. You suffocate. I see. Like a marriage. And then Chris has put... Wow. After suffocate, Chris has put a colon and a bracket,

like a little smiley face. Yeah. After you suffocate. I think he means that your colon ends up in brackets. Well, wow, that is... Of course, I suppose in the current climate, the squeezy animals are a bit unpopular. Yeah.

The beacons and the bear hogs. Yeah. I think people would say, you know... If I was standing on this tweet saying, can you save the bear? I know someone would say, a bit gropey. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. All paws. Yeah, I think it's a, a bit gropey. Yeah. Right. All paws. Yeah, I think it's a cool thing to be at the moment. Stick with the teeth, guys. That's my advice to the animal kingdom. The thing about snakes though, that I always feel sorry for them is halfway through the shedding of the skin.

I just feel it's a very human moment. They must feel really self-conscious. Can they still move about halfway through the shedding of the skin. I just feel it's a very human moment. They must feel really self-conscious. Can they still move about halfway through the shedding? I think they move to get it off, don't they? Yeah, it'd be like having one leg out of your trousers. Oh, yeah. That's a self-conscious moment, isn't it? It is, yeah.

There must be a point where they look at it and they can see it. Would it be more like, do I look ridiculous? This is so weird. I'm just trying to think. I wonder... I wish I'd known how I'm just trying to think. I wonder... I wish I'd known I kept a more detailed journal. I can't remember the last time I put two legs in the same trouser.

I wish I'd marked that. Yeah. Because that might never happen again. I think I'm too meticulous nowadays. Do you? I think it was in my sort of more carefree, swashbuckling youth I used to do it. Because I used to get up with Greg Gosto, you know. Yeah.

That was the magician I lived with at the time. You did a lot of touring, didn't you, with Greg Gosto? Oh, yeah. But, oh, man, he was a very, very passionate man. Yeah. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

On the subject of song titles, we've had an email earlier from listener 2904 who said, The Beatles? Chris Evans definitely said on his show, it's just Beatles. One of you is wrong, hopefully him. Well, you know, I don't like to... I like what you're bringing to it.

I don't like to... I wonder if he had a car when he did the show. Anyway... He's got loads of cars, hasn't he? He's got tons of them. He, er... I think he's wrong because there is an album called With The Beatles.

Yeah. Now, I don't think The Beatles would have let Parlophone bring out an album called With The Beatles if they were called Beatles. With The Beatles. If Blur brought out an album, they wouldn't call it With The Blur, would they? No.

They'd call it With Blur. Good. Yeah. Good point. Yeah. Good point well made. Therefore, I'm afraid it is the Beatles but then on some of the other albums

where it says like Beatles whatever it is it doesn't have a the well give me a par example Beatles for sale is that what you're getting at? yeah Beatles Abbey Road but does it just say Beatles Abbey Road but does it just say Beatles Abbey Road

I'm thinking I'm asking I'm not really telling you I think with the Beatles that's the end of the story I'm playing devil's advocate here that's ok what dark as hell

yeah what's he doesn't get a lot of references no commercial Saturday morning no longer with us darkest yeah that's sad It doesn't get a lot of references on commercial Saturday morning. No longer with us, Dorcas.

I was at a wedding with him once. We had an enormous row. I can believe that. Yeah, about Rio Ferdinand, I think it was. Oh, was it? Really? Yeah. Afterwards, he came up to me about, at the end,

I mean, we'd had a proper shouting row. He came up to me at the end and said, I did enjoy that row. And I said, yes, I did. He said, of course you did. It was a great row. Anyway. Was this during the ceremony?

No, it was during the after. I'll tell you what it was during There was a bit before between the ceremony and the meal where we you know that sort of hiatus between the two so we filled it with a big falling out

I'm not even sure what you're supposed to do in that bit of a wedding because it's I think that's what well, of course the darkus is there you're alright to do in that bit of a wedding. I think that's what... You're just haranguing. Well, of course, my darkest is there, you're all right. Yeah. I don't know what they do now.

Because you usually have a glass of fizz, but then that goes quite quickly, if you're me. And then what do you do for the next hour and a bit? Don't you go to... I think I do that thing of really biting the bullet and thinking I'm going to talk to that person. I don't know who it is. Oh, hone in on someone.

I don't know how they're related to this but I'm just going to go over and see what happens yeah good for you and sometimes it works out and sometimes like if it's a woman a bloat will come over very quickly to see what's going on

but I think that's a good do I use these somewhat I'll start with a hat so I'll go over and say that's a good do. I use these somewhat... I'll start with a hat. OK. So I'll go over and say, God, that's a really interesting hat. Or would you call it a fascinator? Distractor, yeah.

A constrictor. A distractor. A constrictor. I've never understood a fascinator. I'm going to a wedding soon. You're not going to wear a fascinator? I'm so not... Can you imagine this and a fascinator?

No. What do you mean, this? Look at this. You're describing yourself as this a fascinator? I'm so not Can you imagine this and a fascinator? No What do you mean this? Look at this You're describing yourself as this As this, yes Name higher It doesn't work on radio Because they can't imagine this

Oh no, a fascinator What is it? It's not a hat, it's not a feather It's like an accident It's like a band-aid you've stuck on the side of your head. I think it's a gesture. It's a gesture of a hat? Yeah.

A suggestion of a hat. I thought about getting a hat, but then I thought, oh no, I'll just get a fascinator. Yeah. It's just a... What I'm going to get, I'm not going to get a hat, but I'm going to get a representative of a hat. A representative.

Exactly. A hat ambassador. I'm going to get a travel hat. A fold- a travel hat A fold down travel hat Anyway Look we must We must get on A lot of people saying It's the Beatles

By the way Before we go Thank you very much Just as a full stop From now on I'd like to be known As the Alan Cochran I'm going to

I'm going to stick with that Thank you You're known as the Cockross You've got a bit Yeah true enough I'm close Thanks so much that thank you you're known as the cock Ross yeah true enough I'm close thanks so much for listening this morning

Zoe thanks always lovely to see you always fun to be here and we'll see you soon I hope and if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise

we'll all be back again this time next week now get out Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Absolute Radio