The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Back in the Daddle

Episode Date: October 17, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by Emily and Alun this week. Frank has a bad back and has been given some magnets to fix it. He also has a soap update and some questions about U2's The Edge. There is also some discussion about competitiveness and Frank isn't shown in the best light.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show, go on, on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Morning, Jim.

Morning. Morning, Peter. Morning, Richie. Lest we forget. What about this, then? So this is the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. A strong beginning... Hold it, hold it.

A strong beginning to the weekend. Huh? A strong beginning. Hold it, hold it. A strong beginning to the weak end. Huh? A strong beginning to the weak end. Get it? Oh, yeah. I get it, but I don't think it's that good. Oh. Well, it's the opposite, she says.

Strong and weak. Yeah. Beginning and end. And also it's got weak, as in weak. Yeah. Weak. W-E-A. I really like it, but I think I'd rather have read it.

You know, like a Chaucerian joke. See, I don't know if you could read it, because if you read it, then you've said weekend, whereas we have the ambiguity of the audio version. There you go. Good morning. Strong beginning, that. Yeah. This morning's texting.

At what point in the morning does the edge put on his hat? Good question. Does he sleep in it, Frank? He might sleep in it. He might get up and thinks, I'll have a wee-wee and then I'll put the hat on. He might put the hat on. It might be at the side. It might be on the, what do they call it?

The nightstand in America. They might call it that. Does he think of the edge waking up saying, I'll have a wee- the nightstand in America. They might call it that. Does he think... I'm not the edge of the edge, waking up saying, I'll have a wee-wee. No, yeah, but it's Irish. I wonder if any of the readers of the show are like family friends and they would know because they've done stayovers.

Or live nearby and walk past in the morning. Maybe walk past 11 o'clock, hasn't got the hat on yet. Yeah. What's it like under the hat? Well, I don't... There'll be you two fans in there. I would be astonished to find he's got a head of luxurious

hair. He can afford to get that tended to, can't he? I know, but it's cheaper to get a hat. I don't even think it's cost-based. Here's the question. How many hats has he got? That's another good question. Has he got a hat drawer? Has he got a hat drawer? He's probably got...

Has he got a room? I have a cupboard. Do you know those heads they use for wigs? Yes. Has he got a room of those? Yeah. And all the faces are fashioned like his. Yeah, all got beards.

But the quest... Anyway, these are other questions for another time. But at what point in the morning, if anyone's got any insight, if they've read a Q&A with The Edge, you know, he's done an interview in the fanzine, or maybe they're doing a bit of building work around his house.

Fanzine. Spot the Doctor Who fan. Fanzine. I use his gardeners. They'll know. Oh, you could ask them. Yeah, they might know. We've had a text message saying one.

I don't know if that's an answer to the question. One? One. It just says one. There's no other thing to it. Just one. One in the morning? No, it could be he's only got one hat. I don't know what they're answering. He can't only have one hat. What if he lost it at customs? I mean, it must be searched at customs. Are you allowed to just walk through in a hat?

No, I don't think so. Is it a woolen hat, Frank? It is. It's a beanie, I think. Is it? That's what you'd call it. Sarah Beanie, I call him. Wear a beanie. It's confusing, isn't it?

I call him Wear a Beanie. Oh, man. That's even better than the strong beginning to the weekend. Do you know what, Frank? That's growing on me. Yeah, is it? I love it now. I think that's probably what's happening with the edges hat.

Would you clean your teeth in a hat? You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. I, um,

I have a bad back. Do you know what? The TV has just had a headline on. You know, they do the headlines on the news and it said, Operation Will Cure Back Pain. And I was just thinking, oh, that'll come in handy. I get back pain. And now you... We, oh, that'll come in handy. I get back pain. And now you... We have the telly on in the background.

Yeah, just the news. In silence. It's just... In case something breaks. If the Queen goes down, I have to announce it. That'll be down to me. Oh, mine's for Wayne Rooney reasons. Is it?

Yeah. You know, those footballers always leave the hairdryer and the telly on, because they don't like the silence. Oh, I see. But do I have it on silent now? OK. Yeah, but I know it's there, Frank. OK.

Anyway, radio's better, obviously. Mm-hm. So, yeah, you know when people say... Well, I've said... I must have told you once, I was standing in the wings with a young comedian and I was just going, oh, holding my back. And he said, oh, you got a bad back.

I said, I have, it's killing me. And he said, what happened? And I said, nothing. You just get to an age where they just come. They don't come with an anecdote. This one was a little different. I was, I don't normally talk about what I've done on Room 101. We're recording Room 101 at the moment

Which is a popular entertainment show On BBC One One of the best And I was demonstrating A thing called the Daddy Saddle Right What's that? You know when dads

It's the things I sort of associate with America in the 50s Dads get on all fours, as they say. Oh, yeah. And the kid rides on their back as if they were a horse. Never called it the daddy saddle in my life. No, no, no. The daddy saddle is an item which you can wear,

which is actually a saddle that enhances the whole experience. The daddy becomes a sort of horse. Yeah, the daddy is an equine figure. Yeah. So I put that on and invited a female guest.

I don't know. Well, I'll tell you. It was Kirsty Walk, who I'd say is what? Nine stone tops. I'd say, do you want to get... Be careful. Well, just with women. Don't ever guesstimate weights? Be careful. What? Well, just with women. OK. Don't ever guesstimate weights.

Be careful with women. Be careful with women in general. What I'm saying is she's slender. Yeah. Oh, she's slender. So I thought I can take... At which point... I'm 183, by the way.

The... Oh, OK. Well, maybe she's lighter than... Anyway. I do it in kilograms now. She declined. I'm getting on this. She declined.

Next thing I know, the big big cook heston blumenthal he never jumped on that not he he bounced onto my back without any warning took his feet off the ground he's a big lad as well he is he's a big unit as they say well all of the chefs they can what is it he's a big kitchen unit yeah you could say. And those glasses are titanium, they weigh a ton. Well, it was... I'll go as far as saying it was a foolish thing to do. And my back is... I mean, I was a bit...

You know, on telly, you have to keep a bit of a smiley face. Well, that's it. So, I mean, it would have served him right if I'd bolted with him on. So I just burst out through the studio. Through the fire doors into ongoing traffic. And then balked and thrown him. You should have. You should have.

I wish you'd be saved. Yeah, it's made me think, though. It's the last time I bet on a horse race. Yeah? I realise it's quite cruel. It's quite a lot to take. It is quite cruel now you mention it. It is.

So I took the saddle home, the daddy saddle, but I've been unable to play with my own child due to my blooming toe back. Right. And I'll show you something else. This will be a good one for the readers. Oh, yeah. Oh, my goodness.

We'll take a picture. Oh! Bang! Wow, he's... What's that? He's covered in little plasters. Well, they are... Can I hazard a guess?

Can we explain what it looks like? Yes, do. Alan? I would say it was about ten or twelve small, almost like the size of a corn plaster dotted up Frank's back to the left of his spine. Here's my guess. Acupuncture.

Cupping. They're actually... They're actually poppers so I can take my... I don't mean amyl nitrate. I mean... Anything to get you through the show, yeah? I can take my kidneys out down that nightclub fire again.

I can take my kidneys out and clean them. No, no, they are... What is it? They're magnets and they're supposed to help. I've had three sessions of physiotherapy for my Blumenthal bat. Oh, yeah? Is he paying? Well, I think...

Not yet. At the very least, you need some free grub. Oh, no. I've got a good stick in my throat. Couldn't eat that. I've eaten there before, it's beautiful, but now not after the back thing. And also my son, that knowledge that that daddy saddle is upstairs unused.

It's like when the cuckoo gets into the... Tell me about it. You know when the... I've heard it called some names. Oh dear, dear. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

A picture of my back magnet, I believe, has just gone up on our Twitter. Oh, it'll probably go viral, that bad back of yours. I hope it doesn't go up. No, I don't believe has just gone up on our Twitter. It'll probably go viral, that bad back of yours. I hope it doesn't go viral. No, I don't either. Well, we've heard from an osteopath who's very keen to help you. Oh, really? Yeah.

She says we'd be happy to see you any time. I don't know if that's a personal invitation or if it's professional. She says throw the saddle away. I can't throw the saddle away. It's going to be all right when my tiny child is sitting on my back. It's the big chef thing that's the problem. Also, given that I've got the reputation on this show for stinginess, your reluctance to get rid of a free saddle seems worth scrutiny.

Well, you know, I think we'll have lots of fun. If I am ever able to use it again, will my child be 30 and still looking at that saddle? Because of the big chef. You don't ever want to be sitting in the daddy saddle at 30. No, I believe it's also known as the daddle. The daddle? Yeah, the daddy saddle.

Anyway, I've got one as new to go on eBay if it comes to me. Is anybody writing his list in? The thing is with the magnets, I was thinking as well, if I wore a waistcoat with metal buttons and the magnets on the back, it'd be quite a slimming look. Yeah, it might do you an internal injury, though. Wouldn't it pull the stomach back? Oh, I might do that.

Good job you're not a pearly king, innit? I don't think people have properly... I have to say, I just looked at the picture of the magnets on my back. I realise I haven't seen my... I don't know if I've ever seen my back before. Have you not? No. Oh, I love my back.

I'm not sure about my back. It's a bit hairier at the base than I anticipated. A bit of a ponytail in the small of the back. I didn't see that. I was focusing on the magnets. No, that's just as well, probably. That's what I was most attracted to. No.

How often does one sit and look at one's own back? That's the texting for the yogis. That's what they all take the selfies of now. Their own back. Yeah, the ladies do. Do they? Yeah. Because you've got to have your bootay in it

oh I see oh yeah you're right I suppose I don't think this one's going to break the internet well let's see let's see Kim K anyway you were rear of the year once yeah that was a long time

you and Carol Smiley I believe that's true yes 15 years ago I was rear of the year Yeah, that was a long time ago. 2000. You and Carol Smiley, I believe. That's true. Yes, 15 years ago I was Rear of the Year. Wow. I hated the picture. It's sad. You wore weird tight trousers, like skating trousers. What were you wearing to try and show it off?

They ask you to wear tight. I was wearing sort of long johns. Yeah. It was pretty poly sponsored. What was it? I i just throwing that in for the fashion enthusiasts yeah 15 years behind the curve 15 years but now i feel like you know when you see an old bond girl and you think oh yeah that's how i'd say no if i saw my rear probably um yeah not my not my rear the most beautiful sound I have ever heard.

Maria. Maria, Maria, Maria. Oh, that sounds a bit worse than I wanted it to. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a review in from Cole McCauley on Twitter of the photograph of you which we've just put up. Oh, yes.

And all his takeaway seems to be, suit, jacket with no shirt, I love it. Suggesting you've gone a bit Frankenstein's monster. Exactly. No, I have a jumper on which I raised for the picture. But I do like the idea that I might turn up it. I mean, that's the thing about radio. I could if I wanted to.

You look great in that jumper. Thank you so much. You know, I'm not into knitwear. Because, as I've said many times, I mean, once it's washed, you might as well just throw it away. It's never the same well why don't you I do

okay we've had email in from Lisa from Ipswich oh yes dear Emily Alan and Frank long time listener from Germany

and and more recently from the UK welcome in okay enjoying that snack bar days um Jus is justing that snack bar, Daisy? Um, producer's just eating a snack bar while I'm trying to read an email.

I should say we got sent some Eat Natural bars today. I just heard the producer, the rustling of the snack bar. It's like going to the theatre with Del Boy. I mean, it's unbearable. Trying to do a live show here, love. The Eat Natural logo is written on a boomerang, which suggests I'll be... It'll be coming back to you.

I'll be repeating. God, they did warn me. Did you favour peanut and popcorn? I've gone peanut and popcorn. Anyway, what does... OK, I'm sorry. Is it Lisa from Germany? Yeah. Did you favour peanut and popcorn? I've gone peanut and popcorn. Anyway, what does... Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Is it Lisa from Germany?

Hmm. Yeah. Pretty. Sorry. What are her members? Sorry, forgive me. This is terrible. And more recently from the UK.

I love Germany, can I say. Yeah. I love it. After last week's discussion about what's called the upper part of a pyjama... Oh, yes. We discussed this, Al, didn't we, because Frank... I don't think he wasn't here. Oh, God, how embarrassing.

Oh, dear. Well, I'm telling him. We've discussed it many times, Frank's sleepwear. That is really like, do you remember when we went to see Bob Dylan? That wasn't me. It's one of those moments. Yeah. It's fine.

Oh, this is awful. I'm just going to... Just keep through it. OK, OK. I thought particularly Frank would be interested to learn that in German, a pyjama is also called a Schlafenzug. Schlafenzug? Where does... Literally translates to sleep suit.

Oh, there you go. As silly as I'm aware it sounds in English, it's perfectly normal to say it in German. Keeping that in mind, Frank might be able to convince you two to call it a pyjama jacket after all, as every suit needs a jacket. Greetings, no praise, Lisa. Thank you, Lisa. And I like schlafensug. So do I. It still has bits spelled.

And we all. It's not S-U-G. F-A-N-Z-U-G. Oh, it is. Schlafensug. Schlafensug. I like that. Oh, it is. Schlafenzug. Schlafenzug. I like that. The Germans are very good at putting words together.

Yes, they are. Yes. Is this another late review? Yeah. It is. I hope it's a continuing process. Oh, yes. Romans are really good with numbers.

Yeah, very good on roads, the Romans. I've noticed. Oh, tell you what, it's about time we had an Imperial Leather update on the show. Some of you may know that I was always a big fan of Imperial Leather, the soap, because it has a little silver label on it

which does, under which the soap does not wear away, so it develops a kitten heel a sort of plinth that you can place it on i've always been very happy with this and then recently they they dropped the label well we've had an email about this this morning you are having a laugh we're hoping to this is red who says hi all a while ago Frank was bemoaning the loss of the sticky paper rectangle in a bar of imperial leather soap. I think he must have had a rogue batch, because I've never seen this. Perhaps it came from a discount supermarket, as I know he's struggling for money these days.

Well, since the back's gone. When I opened a new pack the other day, I noticed that it's not even called soap anymore. They're cleansing bars. Cleansing bars. So I don't just get clean, I'm cleansed. How very Catholic. No wonder it's Frank's choice. That's from Ed. Bar Ed? The last, the recent ones I bought

have not, Ed. I don't think you should call him Bar Ed. Sorry. Just sent an email and it's not fair. Oh, okay. Yes, Bar Ed. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, fair. Yes, Brian. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Oh, dear. Anyway, I was going to say,

the ones I've got, the ones, that was very good. But I'd like to end on that, because it's untoppable, but I just want to make the point that the recent ones I've bought have not had the label, but I've just had a label-based incident, which I'll come back to. I know you're all on the edge of your seats. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

So anyway, now the thing is with the Imperial, believe me, all the new Imperial leather I've bought has not got the sticky label. And somebody, I don't know if you remember this, a while back, they sent me, from Ireland, they said, oh, we still have the sticky label on it over here. So they sent me some of that stuff. So that was a lovely walk down memory lane to have in the shower. And what happened is that when I got to the bot of the soap, I took the label off at the last throw of the dice, you know. While you were in the shower?

Yeah. So the label was just sitting there in the soap rack. And then, a couple of weeks later, I got some of the new Imperial leather, Sol's label, right? I was using that. When I took it out of the soap rack after a couple of days, it was wearing the old label from the traditional.

Like it was, you know, trying to look older to maybe get into a club. Yeah, it was the new stuff, wearing false ID. Oh. And I was so astonished. How was the experience for you? Well, put it this way, I took a photograph of the soap with the sticker on, thinking, my first thought was,

wow, they're going to love this, the readers of the show. Yeah, I was going to say, when you said they're going to love this, who were you thinking of? I was thinking of you guys, people who listen. I thought this is going to be quite, this is going to be like the extraordinary world of Arthur C. Clarke, something really strange has happened. And I've captured it, like one might photograph, say, an osprey. Yeah. You know.

Afterwards, I thought, I don't know if it's such a big deal to other people have you got the photos i have in fact that can go up next to my back magnets yeah but uh i'd like to see it well you know it was it was a pretty supernatural event anyone who says we're not glamorous on this show, our social media efforts this morning, most people have Instagrams of coffees and sunsets. What have we got? Your back magnets and imperial leather soap. Yeah, I'm like the new Stephen Fry on the social networking. Don't worry about that.

This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. I'll tell you what, do you ever do anything, activity-wise, in public, where you're thinking, this makes me look quite hot? Oh. What I'm doing now. Hello, have we met? I watched a woman today,

and I've seen this same woman do this about three times. She either really, really likes apples, or she's worked out that eating an apple is kind of quite a sexy thing to do. And she eats it in the... I can't name her, obviously. She's someone who I vaguely know. Sorry, what do you mean mean this all sounds a bit so she eats it no she's just someone who um is at my uh one of my workplaces and uh she's it's the real sort of the elbow holding the the apple leans on on the other arm and it's you know and

it's like talk and it's really like look at me turning my stomach so i don't know how she's doing it no i know what you mean it's it's sort of abandoned isn't it it's sort of look at me you know i just say i eat on the on the move that's the kind of person i am right it's sometimes i see i do that but with takeaway i will see a good looking young person male or female and instead of um standing wait if they're waiting somewhere that they'll climb up onto a wall and sit with their back against the lamp you think that doesn't look very comfortable but it does look like an album sleeve yeah yeah i never do any of those things i must say no i do i don't i sit with my legs

curled up in a chair. I think it makes me look quite cool. Oh, OK. You're doing it now? Yeah, I'm always doing it. I can't see it from here. I'll just be back, Bloomingtile back. Yeah, I can't get down to even look. OK, I can't think of anything I do that makes me look good. No, I can't either.

I can't think of anything you do either. I also sort of bloke who I would say does perhaps 20 to 25 things but won't mention any of the money. Is that right? That sounds good, yeah. When we talked about this last time the girls in the room spent 10 minutes discussing

how when men take their t-shirts off with one hand and scoop it. Oh, yes. And I've since implemented that into my life. but deliberately, not like... Do you know, it's so hot when men do that. Are you familiar with this, Frank? Well, A, I don't think I could do it. B, I think I'd rip at least three of me magnets off.

Um... It's... I mean, honestly, I'm speechless. Also, I don't really wear T-shirts. I don't think T-shirts are for people of my age. You could do it with anything, can't you? No, but they should be showing off a supple, young physique. Do you think you can't wear T-shirts? If I wear a T-shirt, I look like...

You know when you see those old-timers in cowboy films just wearing their long-gone tops? She's kind of early for gun shooting, ain't it? It's one of those bloats. I think you might be right. Yeah, they've got a bit of a belly and stuff, and you imagine it's not altogether clean around the back end. Maybe you have to abandon the logo after a certain age as well on the T-shirt.

Do you think? Yes, I couldn't. Yes. I'm not very good with the logos anyway. No. No. I've got to get like a big, when you've got Gap, Gap, really big letters on your chest.

No. I can't do that. Sorry, you're all staring at me. Have you got sponsorship? Or have you forgotten? No, but I have got a discount card. You started the company, didn't you? Gap. I did start the gap.

But we had a bit of a falling out, as you know. And I used to. It was my job in many ways to mind the gap. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps

and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

In a moment, I'd like to discuss Boris Johnson and his antics. And his anti. And his antics. And his antics, yeah. He's got antics and an anti. Antics! I'm going to cover the whole Bourgeois experience, but we've just had a text from 453.

I just wondered if Frank had met any fellow back pain sufferers with a similar magnet installation. If so, were they noticeably easier or more difficult to approach? I found them repellent. Yes, that's from Eamon. Well done. But yes, Boris Johnson has been in the news again. We'll call that section of the show Eamon Corner. Oh, OK, good, yeah.

He's been playing a game called Touch Rugby whilst on a Japanese visit. Yes, I saw the VT of this. Did you? That's the kind of character I am. A bit of technical lingo for the audience there. VT videotape. Videotape?

I mean, it's technical. It's 20 years out of date. So, Mike Mansfield, cue the music. I watched, I think I probably watched an MP3 of it. Is that likely? Was it a JPEG? Download, torrent, stream. JPEG sounds like a pop star or a film star.

Yeah, it does. Josephine Pegworthy, what they call a JPEG. JPEG sounds like a pop star or a film star. Yeah, it does. Josephine Pegworthy, or they call her JPEG. What film star is going to be called Josephine Pegworthy? You change your name if you were called that and that was the job you wanted. Okay, maybe you're right. Josephine Pegworthy, I like that. I'm going to use that next time I stay in a hotel. I've been looking for an going to use that next time I stay in a hotel. I've been looking for an underplume for some time. What was your name last time you checked into a hotel? They give you a strange name.

What was it? It was Frank Liberty. Oh, yes. Well, I didn't choose that. They were trying to be kind and hide me from... From who? From a... They imagined that I'm mobbed by people, which is very sweet of them to think they're completely incorrect.

Anyway, Boris. Bojo. Oh, yeah, Bojo. As the newspaper describes it, he flattened a ten-year-old Japanese schoolboy... He did. ...during this game of rugby. He really did.

He got a little over-competitive. Yeah. And we should say, boys, he's got form. Oh, yeah. Because he did this last year. Yeah. Yes. Are you aware of this?

In a game of football. It was a game of football at Tower Bridge. Yeah. And he did the same thing to a nine-year-old. He knocked a nine-year-old over. Oh, well, at least he's going up a bit from that. Yeah. In ten years' time, he'll be up a joke.

They'll be adults. Yeah. Did you see the face on him when he was... He looked like a man possessed. Yeah. But I think he probably is quite a competitive character. Yeah, do you think? So, he's brilliant at tennis, I've been told.

Oh, is he? Yeah. You know, really. I know he looks like a fat bloke, but apparently, like, young, fit people have played him and he's wiped the floor with them. You know, having it out.

I'm not sure. I've got to... Don't let the politics get in the way of his tennis. No, I'm not letting the politics... Although, can I just say, is there a more Tory split second than an adult flattening a kid in a school game, a schoolboy boy kit of like

well he's got to learn, he's got to learn a little tough life lesson he said like Chumbawamba he got knocked down and then he got up again, yeah, do you think that's mischief on Boris' part, do you think he knows that Chumbawamba are politically at the opposite end of the spectrum from him

I think he's doing it because it's TFI Friday's back. Didn't they? Yeah, exactly. I mean, you don't get more TFI Friday than Jumbo Wumba. True enough. Didn't they tip a pint of beer over John Prescott? They did. He wasn't left-wing enough. Yes.

I actually listened to Jumbo Wumba. I liked them. That does not surprise me. I mean, not that particular song that he's referring to. I think I used to eat their chewing gum. I didn't like that he wore a tie. I don't like any sporting activity. She was a very

nice woman, though. See, also, with the Japanese, to the Japanese, not to the martial arts anymore. Why didn't the kid, you. To the Japanese, not to the martial arts anymore. They do, but... Why didn't the kid... You'd expect the kid...

If that had been in a film, the kid would have gone... Stereotypes. No, but that's... What's a noble tradition? Be some competent kid, ten years old, to flatten Boris. I would... No, come on. You've all seen that, though.

I don't know if you've ever seen Kung Fu the Head Crusher. No, funnily enough, no. Oh. I've seen Sex and the City 2, but not Kung Fu the Head Crusher. Have you seen Deaf Mute Heroine? Not on my last girls' night out, no. Okay. If I thought he'd have turned, it would have been great if he'd turned and got into the stance, and really... I mean, I do watch a lot of YouTube clips like Bully Gets Owned. It would be great if Boris became that bully. That would go viral.

Gets owned. Touch rugby. Massive fail. Yeah, he could have left him on the ground looking like... Joke coming. An eaten mess.

Because he went to... Is this what it's come to joke coming well I find people need to be alerted at home Skinner Dean and Cochran together the Frank Skinner Show

Absolute Radio We've had a tweet in from someone called Kate Calcott and it's simply hashtag Josephine Pegworthy. Seems to be taking off, Frank, your mythical Hollywood movie star. What about if some young actress now is looking for a stage name and thinks, I'm having that. Yeah, why not? And then she becomes a major star. That'd be great.

We've also had a text from Sarah who's, the last three numbers on her code. Sarah Beanie? 514. No, I don't think so. I thought she was going to tell us what time the edge puts on his beanie in the morning. She's quite proud of herself, though. I like this. Referencing looking cool. I'm sitting

in my large armchair in my beer window drinking a coffee which is in an oversized cup and saucer browsing through magazines It's got a very lemse pad Well done Sarah People without children It doesn't say that she hasn't got children

No but she hasn't, believe me she hasn't That's how I lived before I had a child Magazines What about when John O'Shaughness Ross got into a massive temper with me? Rage. Because he... I know what a temper is.

We were all staying... I wanted to build it up more. No, OK. You don't want it to be a tiny temper. We were staying in a hotel in separate rooms, may I add. Of course. And he knocked on my door and I was sitting there reading the papers. And he said it got him so angry.

Yes. That I was sitting there with a cup of coffee reading the papers and he said it got him so angry that I was sitting there with a cup of coffee reading the papers. I know, it's something that does go. But, you know, it's replaced by not being able to pick him up because Eston Bloom and Tolles hurt your back. Not for all parents.

Not for all parents. It's a very niche parental problem that you've got. I'll tell you a brilliant thing. You know that I've got this... I've got a thing with Bojo. Oh, yeah? You're not the only one. It's that there is something about him that I really like.

Yeah. What is it, do you think? Well, I like the fact that he studied the classics. And that's his area. Oh, my nan! Yeah, I do. Anyone who's involved with the classics i'm impressed by he's a smart man and um it consequently his use of language he said to um one of the

japanese officials he said don't worry so when when you're building up to the olympics that people will be negative he said but but for the the period it was on in Great Britain, it felt like the country had been crop-dusted with serotonin. I mean, come on! Respect. I do like that. I could vote for him just on the strength of that one turn of phrase. I can't imagine any other politician saying that. I'm not sure it's true.

Actually, not true. I can imagine an Arab leader saying it and it being translated because they like the poetic speak. Oh, yeah. Do you remember when Saddam Hussein talked about the mother of all wars? He said, people, they weren't saying that on that. That's another lovely reference, mate. Yeah, well, it was. Another of your heroes.

Apparently there's children's shops in Iraq called the mother of all care. Right. Check them out. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've heard back from Sarah, who, as you may remember, was sitting in her window looking cool, drinking coffee from a big cup and reading the magazines.

And she's texted, Frank's right, I don't have children, just two beautiful cats oh god cats as well it's like piling it on now it's like an advert for yeah something glamorous cafe what a life don't you love alan's idea of glamour remember Nescore? No. Yeah, it was a sort of... Was he a footballer? Nescore was a... It was a coffee, obviously. And I think the advert, the music used to go...

We all drink Nescore. Did you grow up in Iraq? I did. I did I did actually But I'll tell you something We had the mother of all coffee But it had a special thing And I can't remember what it was

If anyone remembers what was the selling point For Nescore Please text us in I don't think we got that in London Maybe Did you get camp? Oh, in our house, yeah. The camp coffee?

No. Oh, that was at Chicory Essence. No, we had Fortnum and Mason. Chicory Essence could be someone who had been out with, say, Jay-Z previously. Anyway. So, what are we talking about? Oh, Bojo, yeah. I'll tell you what is incredible about him, and which I find

fascinating, is you don't actually meet that many English people who are that blonde. Yeah. Very true. What you meet is a great many English people who are pretending to be that blonde.

Yeah. But he, he's the real deal. As far as I can tell, I can't believe he's dyed his hair. He's a properly blonde man, like a child would draw a blonde person with a yellow crayon. Yes. I mean, he's blonde. Yeah.

Yeah. Lovely. Now, normally, a blonde who does as interested in the classics would be my ideal companion. Yeah? I think he might be more complicated. I imagine he'd keep knocking me over for stuff. I've got enough with Blumenthal.

Yeah. You're not a skittle. No, exactly. I mean, I'd get back up. I'd get knocked down again by another. And you certainly don't drink a vodka drink and a whiskey drink. No, I don't. I'd forgot that bit.

Yeah. Well, anyway, so that's another reason I find him inspirational. Is it? He's blonde. I think you might be right about his competitiveness. I think, actually, he's seen that George Osborne did one of those speeches you know at the party conference and everyone's saying oh George

Osborne he might be the next leader and I think Bojo's thought maybe I'm not going to be next leader and he's also been reading the papers that's part of his job and he's thought rugby I'll try and become an England rugby player there at a low I could get in the team and so he's making a pitch for it. He's making an actual goal.

There will be. I don't know anything about rugby, but there will be people, I bet, this week, who have said, unironically, yeah, well, if the England team had had that much aggression, we might still be in the... I bet there's people who've said that. Yeah. Was I just one of them? Am I doing that? There will be people on the Twitter. I don't think you said that. I think you're sharper than that. Yeah. Was I just one of them? Am I doing that? There will be people on the Twitter. I don't think you said that. I think you're sharper

than that. Oof. That's what I think. Not often. I tell you what though on the competitive front I do find if I'm on the motorway and somebody starts you know behind starts trying to get past they start tailgating. I had

a bloke doing the flashing lights thing. To be fair, I was only doing 110. That was a joke. That was a joke. That was a joke if the police... Was he on your back like Blumenthal, Frank? The police used to be on the motorway all the time. Where are they now?

I never see the police on the motorway. No, you're right. It's pure obvious. I've come up with a good phrase for us, Frank. I said, was he on your back like Blumenthal? He was. That's what I'm going to say now. Someone's driving behind me.

He was. But I always, when they overtake me, I always drive as fast as I possibly can to stop them from going past. Now, that's probably dangerous, isn't it? And petty. Yeah, and petty. Sorry, I apologise. Obviously, I'm talking about up to 70 and not beyond.

No, not a penny over. But where have all the police cars gone off the road to? Is that the best texting? I see them. They've got those big... No, no, what you see, you think, oh, copper, and then it's like motorway maintenance or something with like Hy-Vee's stripes down.

Oh, do they not count? Yeah, or something with like high-vis stripes down. Oh, do they not count? Yeah, or something like animal ambulance. And you look and there's two animals driving it. Yeah. You realise they're running the service of their own. A dog at a steering wheel, hello. Oh, I love to see that, yeah. Security dog.

Oh dear, I really don't. I always feel like it's hazardous. What if they knock the handbrake? But if anyone knows where the police have gone off the motorway, I miss those little 70-mile-an-hour processions when you used to... I love those, Frank. The way you had to go, like, 72, 73, to just get in front of the car in front

and then get the hell out of town. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Matt has tweeted us to say, police car just gone past us on the M25 with the blues and twos on. No animal drivers. Okay. Well, that's...

That's a good update. It can't just be me, can it? You know, I'm driving on the same motorway as everyone else. And Jeremy Vine is listening to us, I'm just saying. Jeremy Vine is listening? Yeah. Oh, he'll be in training.

Mm-hm. He'll be in training. Yeah, because he's got Strictly tonight, yeah. Oh, good luck, Jeremy, if you're listening. Oh, you say that now you know he's listening. Well, there's no good saying it if he isn't. Well, it is. Just sign and say it into the ether. Why do you have to say it?

Just because they're listening. You could wish people well. That'll be like those radio hams who just send messages into the night. The ones that say, all righty, stuff like that. Anyway. You see, you were saying, Frank, about you do have a competitive streak. I don't think of myself as much of a... Do you want to see the producer's face?

You're one of the most competitive people I've ever met. Can you tell me... What? You are. You and David Baddiel had an argument once. I feel we can be honest about this. What was it about? We had an argument about Trivial Pursuit.

There you go. Because it was a cheese? No, because... A pie or whatever. You said it wasn't. No, but the thing was that it was... It was which film cost so-and-so million blah, blah, blah. And the answer was Cleopatra.

And he said Anthony and Cleopatra. And I said, no, no, it was called Cleopatra. And he said, it's Anthony. I said, look, it's a pie question, so we have to be precise. He ended up storming out. And then remembered... I'm cheap as hell on this sort of thing. No, but he stormed out and then remembered mid- cheap as hell on this side. Nobody stormed out and then remembered mid

storm that it was his house. So in Ely I think I probably could have claimed some sort of squatting rights if he'd actually gone. How long, were you not talking for a while then after that? I think maybe a day or so. I mean I have

in those kinds of games like the hat game. You know the hat game? When you have to, you put the names in a hat. You write celebrity names on a piece of paper. Oh yeah, and you stick them on your head and then you go. No, no, no, that's a different one. The one where you have to communicate what's on the paper

but you can't say any of the names. Yeah, a bit like Articulate. If it said Elvis Presley, you'd have to say famous Memphis-born rock star. Yeah, exactly. And lived in Graceland. But if you said Elvis or Presley, you've lost it.

Do you know what I do generally in that game? Came to dinner at mine on the 21st of September. Attended my 22nd birthday party. Yep, Sue Pollard, that's right. I must have told you when I was on my own one Christmas and David Baddiel said, I can't leave you on your own. We're having a Jewish Christmas party. I know, but we're having a Jewish...

LAUGHTER I didn't want to be picky. We're having a Jewish Christmas party and, you know, they're all very old friends of mine. And I'll phone up and ask if you can come. And I said, no, I don't want to intrude and all that. And he said, no. I said, I'd feel bad.

He said, honestly, I'll phone. And they said, yeah, no. And they said yes. And the food that they'd got, they expanded to make for another meal. So they all took a little bit less so that I could have a Christmas dinner with them, which is lovely. But then we played the hat game. Oh, what happened? And I was playing with this guy who I'd never met before in my life,

but it was an old friend. And I can't tell you all the details of this because there's some swearing involved. But I had on my bit of paper Gandhi. So I said, very famous, perhaps the most famous Indian of all time. And he said, sitting bull. I said, no, I mean from the Asian subcontinent. And he's played by Ben Kingsley.

He wore just like a simple white robe. He went on hunger strikes. He said, cochise. I said, no, he wasn't a Native American. He's from the... And then, after I'd done a load, I mean, everything that I could say about Gandhi, I went on and on. He was known as Bar Poo, even. I even said that. And then he said, uh, sitting bull again. And I said, And I said, you are a thick and then a frail one.

And remember, I'd been invited into their home. Thank God. At which point, when I said it, I said, you are a thick. And his girlfriend instantly burst into tears. Merry Christmas. Exactly. Oh, it was the most Awful experience of my life But you know he didn't get it

The Frank Skinner Show Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 On Absolute Radio So this very week I played the hat game again With a group of people I know You love playing games don't you You play a lot of games I like a game I don't have many people I know. You love playing games, don't you? You play a lot of games.

I like a game. I don't have many friends. I hate a game. You do. I don't really. Anyway, it's fine. So, we sat around. There was probably about, I don't know, eight or nine of us. And

Peter Rabbit came up three times. I didn't know you were making them in the hat game all right and then i noticed that the box we hadn't got a hat so we had to put the bits of paper in the box the box had got a picture of peter rabbit on i thought this is like kaiser sosa it just definitely is is there anything you see there is. But there was a bit in that where Kath, when she took out, I think, the second or third Peter Rabbit, the idea is if you take out a name that's already done, you do it again anyway because you might, you know, it's always...

Can I say, I wasn't even there and I feel stiff with stress on behalf of Kath. But there was a bit which I did sort of where she said, oh, we've already had this one, and I said, just do it! I can so imagine you saying that. And she looked at me and I said, oh, we've already had this one, and I said, just do it! I can so imagine you saying that. And she looked at me and I was, oh, sorry. See, I never get competitive. At one point, the clue I had to... This is the sort of people I was playing with.

The clue I had to give was... He wrote a seminal sociological text about suicide. Wow. It was Emil Durkheim. Right. My guess was going to be Peter Rabbit. Oh, well, you're in with a shout with Peter Rabbit. I wish you'd stop hanging out with the lotto lout.

I would actually rather lose than cause people's displeasure. I get so stressed. It's a view. I'm actually phobic about winning. I don't like it. What? I just don't like it. I hate it when people say, let's get Scrabble out.

I go to the toilet, I do anything. I feign excuses. I don't like board games. But you have told me that I was in a quiz team with Emma Ray. Oh, I know this story. And I said I used to go to bed at night and fantasise about getting the questions, the ones I'd got wrong,

I used to fantasise about getting them right. I used to hear me saying them as if I knew them. And you said, oh, yeah, I do that. I did, but you know why? Because I was in a team. I don't like being the lone, that's the thing, I don't like being pitted against people. OK, it's a bit about me.

OK. Except once during a game of monopoly when i decided um to steal from the bank but i was a timid thief because i stole the yellow pound notes oh yeah it's not going to help you need hotels yeah monopolies it's um it's not my culture. George Michael. The property ownership thing. I just don't... Why don't you like it? I've always thought the sort of people that like it are the sort of people that tell you they like stuff

that they don't really like, so that you'll think, oh, that's their sort of person. I'm glad we cleared that up. What does that mean? Do you know what I mean? No. You know when you read a Q&A with a celebrity and it says, like, favourite music, hip-hop,

and you think, no, it isn't. Yeah. You just think that's a cool thing to say. Oh, yeah. Gordon Brown, like in the Arctic Monkeys. I like the idea of Monopoly being cool. I think Monopoly has got a certain kind of person who wears a jumper that says, I read books.

Oh, OK. A bit Apprentice candidate. I mean, I do read books, but I don't play Monopoly. You genuinely do. You don't put it on a jumper, do you? I don't put it on a jumper. What am I, some kind of buffoon? I've been getting competitive. Actually, I've been going in both directions recently on this. Well, I don't think this should be airing.

I've been playing my son a game of Top Trumps, where he's got these cards that are all like little gory cartoons, so that you can kind of win on smelliness and rarity, and they've all got different numbers, you know, like Top Trumps. Yeah, but how can you, if they're not real people, how can you speculate on what they've got? You just have to look at it and go, oh, smelliness, 90. That's quite a high number.

What is it, celebrity smelliness? No, it's not celebrity. It's made up little grotesque cartoon things. Oh, I thought it was who you thought might smell. I have to say, I have been walloping. I absolutely smashed him out of it. You don't do that letting him win thing? No, I didn't let him win once, just walloped him. He's eight, though, so he can at it. You don't do that letting him win thing. No, didn't let him win once, just walloped him.

He's eight, though, so he can take it. Whereas my daughter, we've been playing a game called Pick Up Pairs, where you put all the cards out. Frank and David used to play that. Yeah. We played it slightly differently. You know, where you sort of look at a card and you go, oh, I picked up a rabbit and an elephant.

They don't match. Rabbits are everywhere, eh? Yeah. And she is smashing me at it. She's four years old and she's got some kind of memory trick going on and I'm finding myself quite quickly getting a bit

competitive, like, I can't wait to beat her at this game. I think the Absolute Radio Sports Department are going to feel you're treading on their toes for this material. All right, fair enough. I'll just leave it there, then. Just telling you.

No, it's... At this stage, I'm letting my son win any game we play. I let him win. Really? Oh, no, you might be listening. Oh, I don't know if that's the right message. You might be listening there and going, what?! No, I think... I don't think they that's the right message. You might be listening there and going, what?

No, I don't think they have to learn about defeat early on in life. What we do is... Not with our money. Whoever wins wins. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can text the show on 8 12 15, follow the show on Twitter at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've had a text in actually and can I just proceed reading this out by saying that I think we all agree that you're a really clever guy, Frank. That said, we have had a text from David from Leatherhead who says Elvis wasn't born in Memphis, it was Tupelo.

Actually, he says it was Tupelo. He's absolutely right. I've actually stood in the birthplace in Tupelo, Mississippi, not Memphis, Tennessee. Of all the mistakes to make, Elvis's birthplace. Yeah. Luckily, I'm wearing a chalice, one of those barbed wire garters.

Oh, yeah. You're not, but you're wearing six plasters because of your blooming tile back. That's true, and they are irritating. Henry Tudor has tweeted us to say congrats on no muffin top. Yeah. No what? Congrats on no muffin top.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's a... Thanks for that, Henry. Henry Tudor tweeted. He loves a tweet. Well, I never... Did you know Henry Tudor? I don't know, but thanks for the tip.

So, what else? Oh, I'll tell you what else. We need to talk about the world's most boring calendar. Because, were you familiar with last year's fridges across the country calendar? That rings a yes. It's all very well. Now, was it a deliberately ironic character or was it someone who believed in fridges? Well, I don't know.

See, I like it better if people think it's good, if you know what I mean. Yes. Well, his name's Kevin Beresford. He, this year, has tried his luck with the postboxes of Wales, but it's not attracting the same frenzy. Isn't that a bit similar to the bells of Wales? Remember that idea I had for a show in which I go around Wales next to churches and listen to the bells and then discuss with a celebrity what they sound like. Extraordinary that Adam had a commission.

I'm still waiting. I don't think it's actually been written off. It's all changed at the top. Anything could happen. Oh, yeah. Post boxes of Wales. Do you want to know how many he sold? The calendars, OK. Go on, yeah. Post boxes of Wales. Do you want to know how many he sold? Um, the calendars, okay. Go on, yeah. None.

Zero. Yeah. It's October, though, to be fair. Would you buy a calendar in October? I just bought a diary this week. You are. For next year. Yeah, but I'm guessing you've just bought a 2015,

because it was cheap and you used it as a notebook. Bought a 2016. Ask me how much. Ask me how much. How much? 79 pence. How small is it? Is it a day a page?

No, it's a week a page. Oh, a week a page. What have you got, a betting shop pen? How are you going to write in it? I'm really happy that people still buy that. I see those outside shops that don't normally sell stationery. You know, you get like... Yeah.

And I think, who buys those? Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Alan Cockrum. Great news. Yeah. So, this boring calendar, well, the postboxes of Wales, and he seems to think, Kevin Beresford said he hasn't sold, he says he's got a good reason, it's down to the rugby and the football. He says people are concentrating on them and not the postboxes.

Yeah. That's how it's been here, I suppose. Does he think that it's somehow spite that people are resentful of Wales' success in the rugby and so the English nation is not buying his calendar? To be fair to Kevin, it's called the Adventures of My Soap calendar. Oh, yeah. It's not been selling anywhere near as well as I expected. He has all sorts in there.

He's got the double aperture and everything. Has he? Is that first class, second class? Yeah. Lovely. Excellent. Good for him. He has all sorts in there He's got the double aperture and everything Has he? It's that first class, second class Lovely Good for him Yeah, you don't have to answer many of those now Good for him I like him

Do you remember when I bought you a Cliff Richard calendar, Frank? I do Yeah And what great shape he was in It's only been about three years ago I like a calendar I've often thought, as I may have said before with Cliff Richard that it wouldn't be much

point in him having love handles. Frank, my favourite ever calendar that I've had was the hot priests. You probably don't approve of that, do you? They weren't real priests. Yes, hottest Catholic priests in the Vatican City. Yeah, they did Yeah, they did it, and they gave the money to charity, and the priests wouldn't have their, wouldn't be named, which I think was respectful. Oh, smoking, though.

There was smoking in it. Smoking priest. Smoking hot. I don't think they're allowed to smoke in the robes, are they? Is it like are they? They can do what they want, darling. Oh, really? Yeah. I'll call you later. I like the sort of Andy Warhol nature of this. So we've seen beauty in the everyday thing. I do, yeah.

The postbox. You might walk past the postbox a million times and then one day, just because it's been pointed out, you think, actually, that is a lovely thing. I often think this about, should I say this? I will. Bra straps. If I see a bra strap, you know, just not completely aligned with the strap on the top,

I always think, oh, that's really what being a human being's all about. What are you looking at me like that for? I'm not. I'm just hooking up my bra strap. Okay. He didn't say joke coming before it, so I'm assuming that this is just serious. This is fact.

I think it's all right. It's nothing very... No, no, it's fine. It's not copied. If I was talking about copied, it'd be a different matter. Yeah, that would be different. But a strap, it's just something about, you know, la vive la différence. Frank. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Can I tell you my favourite thing about it? Yes. It's that this guy who's been in the papers two years in a row for having a boring calendar out is called Kevin. I like the fact that he's got a name that we traditionally would associate...

No disrespect to any Kevins out there. But if you were writing a sitcom and you wanted a character that was going to be known for their boringness, Kevin Beresford would be quite high up on your names options, wouldn't it? It hasn't got the sort of glamour of Josephine Pegworthy No, exactly I like that a lot I think it's a good thing

and also I like the fact that he's gone for post boxes of Wales I don't know what did he rule out on the way to post boxes was he like mountains? Nah, too interesting Lakes? Did he work his way down? Phone boxes? Nah, too popular How Lakes? Like, did he work his way down? Phone boxes? Nah, too popular.

How did he get to post boxes? I just think he's all right. I prefer it, though. I'm with Frank. I prefer it if it's a genuine passion of his. Yes. I won't like it if he's self-aware about it. I think he might be. I think he might. He's been a bit arch.

Well, that is a shame a little bit do you remember the calendar song do you remember that it was in the charts it went it was like a steel band and they sang a song and it was top of the hit parade it went january february march January, February, March, April, May, June, July. Remember it? No, but I can get all the laughs out of something I've done. And the middle eight was August, September, October, November. That was all there was to it. I hope the middle eight had eight months in it.

I really do. I don't think it did, no. I got the lyrics to it on my wall somewhere. Yes, no. I got the lyrics to it on my wall somewhere. Yes, indeed. I mean, I don't know if you remember, but when we came back to do this show this year, after last Christmas, I think I explicitly said that this year

my New Year's resolution was to celebrate my unboringness. And I have really been going at that. Oh, God. Your unboringness? No, my actual boringness. i have really been going at that oh god i actually went on boringness no my actual boring okay it's a yorkshire way he says own it sounds like on okay i own yeah own own yeah i really am i felt sorry this week i did a gig in belfast this week and i felt sorry for a taxi driver because he told me a story about how he'd met billy connolly and he'd been hilarious and billy connolly had then invited him and his mates to the show and

Billy Connolly had said, oh these guys there's one of them that's hilarious and I had talked to him for 25 minutes about whether or not Skoda would become involved in the VW emissions scandal and he was not going away from me with any

of those stories of like he oh, yeah, he's such a laugh. He'll just lie about you like he lied about Billy Connolly. Ricky laughs Do you think? Yeah, I stick with that. Did Billy Connolly mention jet lag? He likes that.

I even mentioned like, uh… That's what he does a lot. This is how… He has lots of material on jet lag. This is how forensic and boring I got. I even said, well, of course, you know that VWO and SEAT as well, so I wouldn't be surprised if they get pulled in on it. I must say, I didn't know that.

And he was going, well, I've got my letter. He'd got a letter about his Skoda being involved. Like I say, I'm really celebrating my own boringness. Are we still on this, Link? Honestly, I now think that I'm so boring to taxi drivers that it's a slight safety hazard. I feel like I should have an extra seatbelt in case I start talking to them. Spare a thought for the rest of us.

As they pull off, they're drinking Red Bull and trying to wake themselves back up. What about that one that started talking to me about Sky Electrics, just out the blue? Oh, the cab driver? Yeah. What did he say, then? We got in the car, and I said, where's the traffic? Oh, we got in the car like it was on a road trip. I got in the back of his black cab.

Yeah. And he said to me something very odd, like, plenty of traffic tonight. It's like scalextric. Actually, is it scale... I've never worked this out. Is it scalextrics or scalextric? Your pronunciation sounds slightly Croatian.

Yeah, but is it where's the x is it the beginning of the i'm going scalextrics okay charlie just gave me a knowing no i'm going like she knows i'm just going a bit sexist i don't know so anyway he started he said it's like scale and i said yeah yeah it is like scalextric and. And then he said, do you ever play Scalextric? And I said, no. Did you say? Yeah, I said, no, I don't. No, because I'm over 40.

Yeah, exactly. No, I don't. And he said, oh, I play. I've got to. He said, every Grand Prix, every proper Grand Prix has a shadow Scalextric Grand Prix. Yeah. He said, and then he got some, he had some cars on his passenger seat to show me.

He said, what we do is you can change the brush to make them go faster. And it was basically a lecture. A lecture that I was tricked into. If you're listening, mate, I mean it was interesting, but just do it, do it formally. Don't make it sound like it's just occurred.

And then have props. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM Frank, you were right first time, according to Clive on Twitter, it's Scalex

trick. Thank you! Yeah. Hi there! We've actually had a text from 677 has texted, they were metal cars called Scalex and they added electricity to them, so Scalextric.

Brilliant. Oh, I love that bit of etymology. Bit of detail for you there. We've also had a text from Daniel saying, I love Monopoly. I have five different limited editions plus loads of books. Check you out.

There's books on it? No, I think he means that he's a book reader. Oh, I see. Oh, yes. You know, in your rant against people that love Monopoly. Oh, it was a diatribe, I would say. I like that you've decided as well that they're somehow trying to be cool by liking Monopoly. I mean, I think the irony of you being a slum landlord

while slagging off Monopoly players is hilarious. Don't get into Hoogstraten territory. He doesn't like it. Well, I'm not condemning people who like Monopoly. No, I am. Yeah, you did. Okay, I am.

You're quite right. But thank you for getting in touch, Daniel. We've also had a text in about looking cool i'm 53 now so i don't do much to make myself look or feel cool but i do get something from the rare occasions when i when i pull up in my car and don't have anything to cart in with me i just get out press the remote locking and waltz in no fumbling around trying to find front door key one-handed and praying i don't drop anything. Fantastic from Mike and Carter. Oh, I like that.

Yeah, CDs out of the door flap. Yeah. You look very cool when you lock a car, don't you? Yeah. I think with the central locking. I still think I look cool doing that. Well, I went to see... I'll tell you this, when I went to see Skyfall,

you know when you go and see a film you really like, you come out walking a bit like you're in it? Yeah. Maybe girls don't do this. Well, it depends on the movie. I think boys do it. Yeah. I've seen someone walk like I'd been in it.

Fifty Shades of Grey. So I felt a bit Bond-like. I could tell from my walk. And I got to my car, and it was like I had the gadget, you know, I had the thing, and I clicked the car, and the lights came on, I could see the baby seat in the back. That's interesting. It doesn't happen in Bond.

I'm glad you brought that up, because you know I mentioned earlier that I did a gig in Belfast this week? You did? I had a few anxieties before doing it, and I'd like to... Are you picking at your magnets, Frank? One of them's just come off. What are you doing? I mean, one of me magnets has fell off.

Oh, no. You're less attractive than I was. Yeah, I'm finding it a bit distracting. That's all right. I just don't want to put... I don't feel right about leaving it in here on the work surface. Are you sure these magnets are going to work? No, of course I'm not sure they're going to work.

Well, how much did it cost you for the magnets? No, they did other stuff as well. I don't wish to know about the other stuff. I was physically manipulated. You know this masseuse you went to? Masseuse? When you say they did other stuff. No, they did, you know, they got me to stretch and they rubbed my back.

They used... What's that stuff that's hot? Tea. That's it. Yeah. There he is. Oh, DP. Hypro.

Pouring wax? Hyproplune. Hyproplune? I don't know. Hydroplune. Pro... Pro... Pro...

Proplune? Sorry, this is actually a Robert Burns poem. No, we'll come back to it. Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro...

Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro...

Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro...

Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Pro... Absolute Radio. We've had a text from Steve647.

Frank is right about coming out of the cinema feeling like you're in the film. Saw Fast and Furious years ago and got a speeding ticket on the way home. Also saw Legend a few weeks ago and had the urge to put on a suit and go and attack someone with a hammer in a pub. No, but when we used to come out of kung fu films, like Kung Fu The Head Crusher, I remember us throwing ourselves about like that. Yeah. Deaf Mute Heroine, she does a backflip onto a first story balcony.

Don't try that at home. Congratulations, well done. We've all got our talents. Yeah. Kevin Mitchell has tweeted us to set, well, he's tweeted me specifically, saying, tell Frank I'm at a fall gig right now in New Zealand. any requests he won't play them no i know he won't and there's a picture of an empty stage so i'm assuming there's been some technical difficulties it'll be that moment before yeah you know that moment before a gig when they're you know they're about to that's

fantastic one of the great moments in life when you're at a gig and you think, any minute now. When you say that, I've been to a full gig with you. Yes. And he came on. We went, Daisy, didn't we? And you summed it up, Frank.

He just kept turning his back to the audience. He looked like he was doing the washing up, is how you described it. Well, the... Yeah, I wouldn't say he was that fussed about the audience. No. That's all right. I love him for that. No, I sort of do as well.

Kevin also says he asked for steak place and he doesn't look happy. No, you won't get a request out of him. Oh, really? We've also had an email entitled Kevin Beresford, which, as you may remember... It's a Kevin fest. Is that Kevin at the Forg? Yeah, Kevin. The email's titled Kevin Beresford.

Hi, Frank and the team. I'm an academic in the field of psychogeography, the aesthetics of urban space, and I thought you'd like to know that he is highly regarded in my own field, especially for the work he's done on roundabouts and car parks. Oh, wow. in my own field, especially for the work he's done on roundabouts and car parks. I would go so far as to say that he is an honorary psychogeographer, even though he may not describe himself that way.

He's also highly entertaining. You should try and get him on your show. I like the sound of it. We don't re-band guests on time, again. Yeah, I'm not sure about guests. Especially not guests that spend their time taking photographs of post boxes in Wales and roundabouts and car parks. guests, especially not guests that spend their time taking photographs of post boxes in wheels and roundabouts and car parks. I feel like he'd be too much in my bit of Venn diagram for what I bring to the show.

No man is a traffic island. I like the idea of psychogeography. That sounds interesting. I do. That's it. I'm going to dedicate my life to it. That's all. I've been looking for something to dedicate my life to. Absolute. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I need to talk to you about the EuroMillions couple's dog who discovered a second lottery-winning ticket. That thing. Yeah, that thing. I mean, that is a good dog, isn't it? They'd left the ticket in the car, in the car full of clutter.

They won 150k. Yeah, so they're pretty high, excited, like, giddy, one might say. Yeah, skittish. Not the dog. The people, the people were. Yes, yes. Imagine, 150 grand.

Ping. Yeah. You've got to pose with the giant check. And then the dog gets in the car. Somehow... Jumps about a bit. Juggles at a book a bit. Yeah. And another ticket falls out with the same numbers on.

Because it turns out they buy the same numbers every week and they hadn't communicated to each other. Was that allowed then, two people with the same name?. Because it turns out they buy the same numbers every week and they hadn't communicated to each other. Was that allowed then, two people with the same name? I didn't know that was allowed. To do what? Well, buy these lottery tickets. I think you should be restricted to one per family. Do you?

No, no. Yes, you've got to spread the wealth. You know the concept of a lottery, have you... Yeah, funnily enough, it's not something I do. Well, I... know, I've long Because I don't want to cock my leg up And hold a glass of champagne Okay

No, but that's what they make you do Why can't you just win it and go back to your life I'd do that for 300 grand I was disappointed, but I'd sort of got to like this cop At the beginning of the story But at the end there was a picture of them squirting champagne The way people feel, if you give them they have to squirt it

I think we'll call it almost champagne well whatever it was, I'm sure so many people who can't afford it looked at that picture and thought oh I'd have loved an ice glass of champagne but it's just gone on the grass why do people have to do that give them a bottle of champagne and say thank you very much

it's like Formula 1 I mean I've seen it now I've seen the shaken Why do people have to do that? Give them a bottle of champagne and say thank you very much Is that Formula One? Yeah I mean I've seen it now I've seen the shake and champagne They do it in the nightclubs The rappers do it Frank Do they? I used to work in nightclubs

I wouldn't enjoy What did you do? It's the first day out of it Barman I wouldn't have, I wouldn't have enjoyed having to... I wouldn't have enjoyed mopping up after some... What were the clubs like? ...Nair de Well rap stars spraying champagne all over the gaff. They like a Corvoisier.

Pastor Corvoisier? Buster Rhymes? I saw him live, Buster Rhymes Well, you went through a rat period, Frank I did, I did Lovely No, I don't like that It did make me think that maybe magic

does exist, this story Well, it's a bit of a coincidence Well, we'll delve The Frank Skinner Show Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Come on, a dog finds a second lottery ticket. If this was medieval times, that dog would be publicly burned. You'd have to be suspicious that there was something going on.

I think so. Well, isn't it a bit weird? I thought the strangest thing was that they said they were looking forward to spending the money and they want to have some getaways with the dogs. Take your dogs on holiday, weirdos. I think the dog could claim 75 grand minimum, having found the ticket.

Yeah, maybe even the full... Could be the next llama, that dog. I think... Do you believe in reincarnation? That's the whole story. No, I say YOLO. Isn't the eccentric bit, the fact that they get a lottery ticket and think, oh, where should we keep this? Should we put it under a magnet on the fridge door or in our wallet?

Oh, no, let's put it in a catalogue in the car and then have the dogs jump about. Like, why would you do that? Oh, no, I just keep it under a magnet on my back. No confusion there. Come to think of it, are you going to use that scratch card later? Because they've had two wins, they actually got two big cheques. Did you see that?

Did they? They were standing with two big cheques. They could have made a garage door out of them if they'd put them together. Yeah, they had to take 40 catalogues out of the car to fit it in the boot. I mean, I'm sorry to go on about this cheque thing, but if I was forced to do that, I'd say, OK, if you want your che photo i will do it but i will do it in two months from now when i've got had the money and i can get myself sorted as it

were in time for the photos well you don't want to see well-dressed people winning the lottery that's what breaks people's hearts au contraire those are the most seen photos of me i want to look affluent and nice in them. I know, but you want people to think, oh, that could have been, you know... Remember that? It could be you. Mm. I would use the double check to make a garage door.

What do you think the local crime prevention officer would make of that as a choice? My lottery winner's door. Do you still get crime prevention officers would make of that as a choice by lottery winners door. Do you still get crime prevention officers, Daisy? Why are you looking at Daisy? I'm just trying to, I'm so happy I could move

that far in the chair without pain. Oh. No, I know. But you'll see, yes. So, yeah, I think the dog could possibly be in league with the devil. Yeah. Frank, I'm going down to the Fat Doc soon. Do you want me to have a word?

No. Okay. I can't. I'm going there in a few weeks. Well, enjoy. Thank you. Thank you for your loyalty. I'll tell you what this does.

You know, I've always been a grand hater of people who say stuff, oh it's like that episode of Seinfeld yes you hate that there is an episode of the Simpsons when he decides to spend, he draws out the family savings because he decides if you had 70,000

lottery tickets that would really increase your chances of winning and then he gets the same numbers on every one. And there's a terrible thing where after the big arguments and all that, he goes into the room to listen to the lottery and you hear him obviously not winning and you hear a number and he goes,

D'oh! And you hear another number and he goes, D'oh! But best of all, after about four numbers, they read one out and he goes, Yeah! He goes, don't! But best of all, after about four numbers, they read one out and he goes, yeah! It was the human tragedy of hope. Hope in the face of hopelessness.

Anyway, thank you so much for listening this morning. And, you know, if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. bears us and the creeks don't rise. We'll be back again this time next week. Now get out!