The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Backfire

Episode Date: January 16, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank, Emily and Alun start the show discussing Frank's freebies - from pants to pans! They also chat about Frank's paranormal watch experience, tipping and good deeds gone wrong. And they get nostalgic about cars backfiring.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I sit amongst booty. Thank you very much. I'm not making a rap video. I've just received some lovely...

Oh, you haven't told me that. No, but I've done some on-rapping this morning. I say I've done some on-rapping. Wow. Tell them what you got, Frank. Well, recently I've spoken of two things. And I always say on the show, I'm not one of those DJs who talks about stuff Thinking I'll get a free one

In fact I actually said I was talking about Tom Daley, the diver Had been pictured with a master pan Which is a pan, a multi-compartmentalised frying pan Very well described Thank you And I said, don't send me a free one, I can afford it. You know, if I get one, I'll keep tadpoles in it.

But they defied me. And of course, now I've got one, I am quite pleased about it. Can I say you're the only person that would refer to a free gift as they defied me? But then I'd forgotten, I'd also mentioned that someone gave me some Bjorn Borg socks. And they were... I've really got interested in socks in later life. Yeah? Used to be the present you didn't want.

And then I was messing about with this bag today. Oh, God, it was mid-anecdote and it took forever. No, I think you'll find I was mid-anecdote. And then it was interrupted by Frank going, Oh, my God! Well, I'd forgotten. It had a lot of tape on it, so I gave up. And then I tried again and Alan said,

Oh, is that free socks? And I said, What makes you say that? And it had got Bjorn Borg written across the top with large letters, which I hadn't noticed. And glory be uh it was a fabulous selection of socks and pants so i've started off i mean i don't want to be materialistic but i'm buoyant well in those pants you will be yeah well there's room i wasn't sure how can i put this delicately i wasn't sure about some of the pants how dare you no i thought the socks

were lovely i just thought they were quite loud some of the pants but that's all right because it's not like anyone's gonna see them frank was uh frank was very very excited by them i think you remember what he said as he opened the pack he went oh these are lovely! As Alan said, like the person from Bjorn Borg was in the room. It was. It was a bit like a pressurised Christmas gift. Well, I got a card here which says, you know, we've sent you some socks plus a couple of pairs of boxers, hope you like them, and then it says, its best wish is Bjorn Borg.

Bjorn Borg or Bjorn Borg? Where does the B-ur stop? Bjorn Borg. Bjorn Borg. I wonder if Bjorg or Bjorn Borg? Where does the Bjor stop? Bjorn Borg. Bjorn Borg. I wonder if he's got a brother called Simon. Oh, yeah, Simon. Lovely. Bjorn Borg UK. As if there is a Bjorn Borg in every country. Oh, they're everywhere. They're unstoppable. I like the idea of there being an English one who looks like that and then says, how are you doing? You all right?

Oh, Bjorn, I thought you were Swedish. No, no, that's the core. Bjorn Korg, as we call him. That's the core Bjorn Borg. Now we've got international Bjorn Borgs all over the place. Do you know what I love about you? What's that? Everything.

But I also love that you've managed to turn an incident where you essentially opened an envelope containing some pants into some peter houston off anecdotes peter houston off typical me is the name of his what sort of a person says that that's the sort of people on reality telling well you know typical me i told him yeah yeah typical you anyway if you're listening somewhere, Peter, I know you're no longer with us, but you know you had a good inning.

Shut up about it. Lovely. I suppose as an anecdote, isn't it? People sit round in heaven going, oh, God, when do you ever stop? So here's the thing. I discovered a new term this week called nominative determinism.

Oh, I love that. Which I'd never heard of before, and it's not as complicated as it sounds. Don't switch off, Linda. Just Linda. I'm just... She's... Yeah, exactly. She's just my typical person who gets bored by stuff like this.

Yeah. What happened is I work with a woman who a makeup lady who makes me up for television appearances yes and she's very lovely and i've known her for a long time and i had a bit of a um you know we have a thing on the show an idiotic eureka moment when it takes you a long time to work something out her name i'm sure she won't mind me saying this she's available for work if anyone's looking for a make-up artist. Her name is Estelle Horder. Oh.

Which, if you say, is basically Estelle Horder. Oh, yes. Which, for a make-up artist, is kind of amazing, wouldn't you say? Yeah. And it's a real name. It's not like they don't have stage names. No. Backstage names, that's what they should have.

Yeah, I suppose so. They have... That's rather brilliant. I like that don't have stage names. No. Backstage names. That's what they should have. Yeah, I suppose so. They have... That's rather brilliant. I like that. They have rouge names. Do they still call it rouge? No. Anyway.

Not since Gone With The Wind. Okay. So I was talking to Doc Brown about this, you know, Doc Brown, the comic and stuff. And he said, oh, that could be nominative determinism. People have name. And your name somehow subconsciously points you towards your job. Samantha Bond.

Miss Moneypenny. That was the actress. Oh, is that right? Yeah, she's in the Bond films. Samantha Bond. And Tina Hobley is in Holby City. Well, you're at least a bit obsessed. You laugh, but that's too much of a

coincidence, isn't it? Illiterate nominative deterrent, isn't it? When Arsene Wenger went into football, there must have been part of him that thought, I know where I'm going to end up. Robbie Fowler. Yeah, very good. Thank you. That is good. I hadn't thought of that. I had.

If only Gary Barlow was an international limbo dancer. If you've experienced nominative determinism in your life or the life of someone you know, please let us know. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I had what I'm going to call a slightly paranormal experience this week. Oh. Slightly. Well, I'm not saying it was ghostly, but it was...

Was it a Corian? It was. Well, it was in the old days. There used to be a programme on the telly called Arthur C. Clarke's Mysterious World. Yes. And if anything even slightly strange happened in my school days and stuff, somebody would say, maybe we should call Arthur C. Clarke's Mysterious World.

Anyway, I woke up, and my first thing when I wake up in the morning is I reach for my wristwatch, which I keep at the side of my bed. I don't wear it in the night, lest I should tear off a winder. Oh, yeah. And I've torn off a. I don't wear it in the night, lest I should tear off a winder. Oh, yeah. And I've torn off a few winders in my time in the night. But anyway, so I reached down and I picked it up, and it was 8 o'clock, which is about when I wake up, generally speaking. This is, you know, Sol's alarm.

Right. And I looked at it and it somewhat looked a bit strange about it. But I put it back down and then I thought again, hold on, what is it with that? So I'm looking at this watch and I realised that the second hand

isn't going round. Oh. So it stopped. And now, I've had it for probably three or four years. This is the first time it's stopped. I don't know how long a watch battery lasts. 8, 12, 15.

No, not as long as that. No, I shouldn't think so. Probably about three or four years, I think. And I realised it had stopped in the night, and it had stopped at half past two. Right. Now, I had it upside down, so it said eight o'clock. Right? Yeah. Are you with me? Yeah. Yeah. And then I picked up my phone. Kind of still. I picked up my phone to see what the real time was and it was eight o'clock.

So my upside down stopped phone was correct. Now, if there's any mathematicians listening, I'd like to know what... I think it was Harry Hill who said, all of the chances are happening. Well, the odds must be phenomenal. No, they're quite high, aren't they? Because isn't there an adage that even a stopped clock is right twice a day?

Yeah, but not... Oh, I love that. With Nell and I. Yeah, but not an upside down stop clock. That's an old added dimension that you're letting slide. Can I be completely honest with you? I don't want to be pedantic, but I think

an upside down stop clock is right twice a day. I really want to contribute to this. But about 34 seconds in, you know when you slightly zone out? I'm not going to lie. So I missed a crucial part of it, and now I feel I can't contribute. So if you two will talk, and I'm just gonna look at the

emails. I said something similar to this to the week, and Emily said, that is so rude! And now, the boots on the other foot. It's quite simple. I picked up the watch, it was upside down, but still correct. That's weird.

OK. Frank, we've had some texting about nominative determinism. Oh, yes. So we've got... Have we changed the subject? Yeah. It does seem that way, yeah. Don't worry, I'm going back there.

OK. My name is Dave Granger. I'm a survival expert. G-Ranger. I don't understand. D-Ranger. No, G don't know why i'm explaining myself you seem an intelligent bunch it would seem not what's he called again his okay let's his name is dave granger yeah he's saying that the word ranger is in his surname and now he is sort of a ranger. Oh, OK.

He's a side survivor. I'm playing devil's advocate. I don't know why he's texted us. He just wanted to get involved, I think. I thought maybe he went with, like, a backpack flamethrower and removed granges, so he was a degranger. Well, 127, a little more straightforward. My mum went to school with a boy called Jonathan Go-To-Bed,

and he lived in a village called... Don't worry, this anecdote doesn't end in a sinister fashion. Right. And he lived in a village called Little Snoring. That's not only affecting his job, though. No, I think that's just going... No, he breeds tetsy flies. I, um...

There is a genuine one out here. I read a few about nominative determinism, but none of them were clean. None of them could be broadcast. What about 657 has cited, one of the earliest cited examples from the New Scientist magazine was a Catholic bishop called Cardinal Sin. Yes, there is a Cardinal Sin.

I think in the Philippines, I think. That'd be a good thing. You could name a cardinal, I have to say, where they're from. Yes. That'd be a good thing. You can name a card and I have to say where they're from. For the most Catholic game ever played on radio. So anyway, look, I was talking to a driver about my watch.

Why do we have to go back to the watch? And he said, that won't just be a coincidence. He said, that'll be significant. He said, 8 o'clock will be significant. Really? And I said, well, I do a radio show that starts at 8 o'clock. He said, well, I'll be careful this week. Because he said, that'll be telling you something. He said, even though the watch is upside down,

it was trying to tell you that 8 o'clock was... The watch is trying to tell you something? Other than the time? Yeah. Dave Granger. Look, this is not my watch. What do you think it is an eye watch a smart watch i've got it dave granger grave danger ah no well i never said there was a spooneristic nominative determinism yeah but we stopped talking about the watch for a minute. Is he going to keep on about the watch? I think so, yeah.

Who's in charge? Ask yourself that. Watch this space, I would say. So he said to me, I said to me, I need to get a battery. Do you remember when I said to you I saw a sign called watch batteries change and I said that sounded like a

pretty rubbish spectator sport. And he said to you I saw a sign called watch batteries changed and I said that sounded like a pretty rubbish spectator sport. And he said to me, my brother-in-law has got one of their magic screwdrivers. Oh. And I was very intrigued by this. And he said there's two things you can do with them. You can change your own watch batteries. Yeah.

He said, and also, he said it allows you into the internal workings of a Zippo lighter. I felt I was really learning. I'd been in a secret society. Yeah. So if anyone knows about the secret screwdriver, please, please do give me a shout. Oh, please do. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've been reading the Pope's new book this week. Wow. You do know we're on the radio, don't you? Me too. Oh, you've got it. I also have a copy of The Name of God is Mercy. Fantastic.

And I'm also enjoying it, Frank. Yes. Well, I'm a fan of Pope Frankie. I haven't handled the hardback as well for a while if we were doing a book group i think i should have been sent it yeah i think it's unfair that two out of three of us are reading it don't you find when you're reading a hardback you feel like you live in the high life yes i do frank it's so true weird so christmassy i think the hardback i don't really get on with them. Now, I've sorted this.

First words, Holy Father, love it. Really? I rather like it, Frank. Spoiler alert. Well, this is your area. Wow, it could be a conversion. Fantastic. This is your area, so over to you.

Well, I mean, I'm far be for me to plug the Pope's book on commercial radio. It's an interview, so it's quite interesting. It's just him being interviewed. It's not a novel or anything, is it? No, no, radio. It's an interview, so it's quite interesting. It's just him being interviewed. It's not a novel or anything. No, no, no. It's an interview. It's not like a journal asking questions. It's not like an interview. It's not like Graham Norton. No.

It's not like a quickfire round. You know, Archbishop of Canterbury snog, marry or avoid. And it's not like, what's the worst fashion mistake you've ever had? No, no. Much to my chagrin. But yeah, I'm loving it. I'm glad to hear you're liking it. I'll tell you what I've

indulged in in this book, which I haven't done for years. Marginalia. Oh, yeah. Very good. I haven't done that. Do you ever do that thing? You used to get a book out of the library and there was marginalia in ink.

Yes. Oh, I still regard it as one of the great crimes. Yeah, I don't like that. And I'm including the Hatton Gardens. Oh, that's so awful. How can anyone do that? I can honestly say I've never, ever returned to my marginalia and read it.

Have you not? Have you done that? No. I don't think I have actually. Apparently people can do notes in the margins on the Kindle, can't they? Have you got that? I think maybe you can do that but that sounds like a bit of a... I used to find it useful when I was a student

and previous readers would have made notes. Oh, really? It was quite useful. Once I had Ulysses from the library and it said 799 pages and no punchline. Is that what it said? Yeah. I thought that was rather good.

That is good. I used to read other people's marginalia and think, that's wrong. Yeah. Oh, did you? Yeah. Regularly. Anyway. I'll tell you what I heard this morning.

Something I haven't heard probably for 15 years. I heard a car backfire. Really? That doesn't happen often these days. I didn't know I'd forgotten it even existed. You thought they'd stopped that? Yeah, I thought they had. I thought it was some sort of emissions thing.

But it's back. Great news. I'm not sure it is. Yeah, the backfiring reinvention revival thing. It was a proper... You know what it sounds like. I'm going to read one of those magazine articles saying, so hot right now.

Cars backfiring. Yeah, I'm sort of... I'm looking at my car now and thinking, well... Yeah. What do I get back? Nothing! Looking at your fully functioning car and thinking, you're rubbish! I don't even know, what is a backfire? Why do you think a backfire, Alan?

I don't know. Yes, I am a motoring correspondent. Yeah, but not because of any knowledge, just because I drive a lot. You're the Hammond of the group. I'm the Clarkson. Hang on, hang on, I'm not comfortable with this. Do you think I'm the Clarkson? If you did know about backfiring, would you have an exhaustive knowledge?

Yeah, very good. Very good. If anyone knows why a car backfires, just a car, not like a horse or anything. If anyone knows why a car backfires, please let us know. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had an email explaining backfiring. Oh, yes, yes. Good, good.

You know, if you've just joined the show, Frank was asking about why cars backfire. I heard a car backfire this morning. Imagine that. No, it's not 1988, listeners. This is a drive down memory lane. Yeah. Backfiring basically happens when your car's...

Can I just say, the email... I don't think they've done this, but the car apostrophe S, you know, sometimes emails replace apostrophes with, like, a euro and a TM sign. Oh, yes. Have you ever seen that? What's that all about? If you know what that's all about, text in on 8-12-15.

Backfiring basically happens when your car's internal combustion engine has a moment of external combustion, or at least one happening elsewhere than the combustion chamber. A little backfiring on deceleration can exist by design on modern cars, adding to the sporting sound. Oh, I like that. It's like Batman. Yeah. A bit. I have to follow that definition with... I love stuff about internal combustion becomes external combustion and stuff like that.

That almost sounds like it's understandable. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I'm not really into the science. No, neither am I. Ian Angle has a slightly simpler explanation. Oh, yeah? I believe the backfiring is caused by unburnt fuel in the exhaust. Oh.

Charlie... By the way, great ladder joke last week, Frank. I believe the backfiring is caused by unburnt fuel in the exhaust. Oh. Charlie nodded then. By the way, great ladder joke last week, Frank. Great ladder, Frank. Oh, yes. Good old, good old Angeloid. Yeah. Charlie, you nodded. Do you know about cars?

No, but there's been a few tweets that have said that. Oh, there's been a few tweets. Oh, yeah. Oh, we can all be wise via social media. Wow. I mean, that's basically looking it up. Well, I was genuinely excited to hear it today and a little misty-eyed. I thought, oh, backfiring.

Yeah. Oh, I love the 80s. I didn't actually, I was drunk. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. 746 has texted us and said, What are Frank and the team's thoughts on the latest development

in the disturbing meerkat-kidman relationship, where they're seen giggling and flirting over a romantic candle at dinner yes well i've spoken about this before i find the whole thing pretty disturbing the idea that nicole not just because nicole kid you know obviously as part of the things how the mighty have fallen not just because she's doing an advert, but because she seems to be mating with another species. Potentially, yeah. Yeah, she's on the slippery slope to meerkat physicality. Yeah.

And, yeah, when it was just a date, I thought, well, maybe. But, yes, they're more intimate now. They've up the ante now. I hope they're not going to... Do you remember, there used to be one of Iggy Pop and his own poppet in bed. Oh, that's gross. We're not going to get one of those, are we, with the big slithery meerkat coming out from under the duvet?

I don't think it's going to get that far, because I think the next one is going to be when their dinners arrive, and obviously Nicole Kidman's will be like a nice... It'll probably be like some grilled fish and some vegetables, but the meerkats... What's he going to be when their dinners arrive and obviously Nicole Kidman's will be like a nice, you know, it'll probably be like some grilled fish and some vegetables but the meerkats, like it's going to be I don't know, some dead rat or some animal food. They couldn't eat a dead rat.

They virtually are a dead rat. That's like when they put a cow inside a horse inside a pig inside. Would it be some like... I've seen them fed at the zoo. Meerkats. Oh, so a little whitebait, maybe. I think, if I remember rightly, they got prawns.

Really? Yeah. Oh. You look shocked. I just thought... It's all right, one of them going to bed with Nicole Kidman, but eating prawns, that's a bit weird. Oh, no, that's too human for me.

I thought they'd have some animal-like food. What happens in this latest advert? They have a dinner, don't they? And then he gets up, he has to go and see his friend. And then that's it. Well, hopefully that'll be an end to it. You know, we had all this with Melanie Sykes and Churchill. True.

They were actually filmed on holiday together. Have you seen that advert where there's a guy chasing sheep around? There's some weird advert at the moment where there's a bloke just in a field and it's for a search engine or something. I'm tense now. You'll be tense. He's dressed up as a plane. For a man whose name is Alan with a U.

Hey! How do you get that nickname? Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I saw a shop this morning on the way in, unsurprising as we work in central London, I know. Yes. And it had those signs all over the window.

There was like 20 signs saying everything must go. And it did strike me that it seems to work. You see those shops with the everything must go and they're packed. People just, they obey. Law of scarcity. I think it's just being told. People want to be told what to do. I don't know why people don't put the stickers up

when things are still going well with the business rather than leave it to the last minute I want to speak to Sport Direct's Mike Ashley about that because I think that's his business model Tell him I recycle his bags on a regular basis He'll be delighted to hear it That's what they do isn't it

everything must go closing down so then they open again around the corner, don't they? Hmm. What do you mean, they lie about it? No, I wouldn't say that on a commercial radio station. No. I think that would be foolhardy. Everything must go, though. I think we look at that and we think, oh, we'd better get in there because everything must go. We have a certain duty. Maybe they buy the signs. Buys to all aspects of life. Pardon? Maybe they buy the everything must go signs. When they say everything they really mean, no honestly everything, even these. We've got to get rid of the everything must

go signs. No, what would you do with one of those? You'd take it to your shop that you're closing. Is that what they're doing at Absolute Radio? I mean what about if you were rushed in for an emergency operation, they find an everything must go sign in your pocket. Ricky laughs That could go horribly.

Like a big donor card. Except when you buy a copy of everything that's been donated. There's nothing. Just vapour, where you used to be. Be careful anyone who's bought one of those recently. Is that what the OC's doing with the DVDs? Everything must go.

There's a bag of DVDs next to me, and it's making me feel ill. Because it's just this... Why are they all over the studio? It's horrible. What is it? I think it's a big giveaway on The Breakfast Show. Who wants DVDs? I bought DVDs

recently in a sale. That's you. We love you. You've got an Everything Must Go sale. I know. I've heard of Netflix. I've heard of Netflix? I mean, these are the people who watch Merlin. I've heard of Netflix. Are they a bit like towel flicks?

Yeah. That you used to get in the changing room at school? Very similar. Because when you get them right, not only do they sound a little bit like a car backfiring, but they come sharp. I'll tell you that. You know, I'll be absolutely honest,

I don't really know. This is absolutely true now. I don't really know what Netflix is or how you get it oh I love you for that I love you that'll be something to talk about during this when we're off air Absolute Radio

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Many of you have. Thank you so much. Yes. We've had someone tweeted about cars backfiring and said hence the expression, an old banger.

Oh, that never occurred to me before. No. There you go. Of course. Now, you know who I think's a bit of a man of the moment is Eddie Redmayne. Yes. But did you...

Eddie Redmayne, can I say, if nominative determinism was accurate, ought to be ginger-haired. Yes. He should be. He's let the side down. Yeah. But he did something rather drastic.

I was reading this week that he said he decided to swap his smartphone for an old-school... I won't name the brand, but we all know which one we think of. He's been involved in more radical swaps recently. all know which one we think of he's been involved in he's been involved in more radical swaps recently he says he wants to be able to live in the moment he said he was sick of checking emails all the time and being glued to it and there and you know there's a word for mobile phone addiction

it's called nomo nomophobia nomophobia yeah oh no mobile phobia i think it is no mobile phone phobia? Yeah. Oh. No mobile phobia, I think it is. No mobile phone phobia. They ought to have took advantage of the fact that phone and phobia have got the same prefix. Yeah. Phone phobia. Yeah. Yeah. Telephobia. I'm glad we've worked on this.

Telephobia would have been all right. I could be scared of telly, though, couldn't I? Yeah, you could be scared of telly survivalists. Yeah, exactly. Imagine that. It's all right. I could be scared of telly, though, couldn't I? Yeah, couldn't be scared of telly, sir, Varlas? Yeah, exactly. Imagine that. It's all right, he's gone. He's probably sitting there being bored to death by Peter Ustinov.

Actually, he couldn't be bored to death. Maybe he could be bored to life by Peter Ustinov. Typical me. Yeah. But he said, as a result, he was on his computer all the time. He said he was checking his emails. He couldn't stop checking his emails. I was a bit like, but how many emails do you

get? Not being rude, but you're an actor. You're not Bill Gates. What are people saying to you? Be at the casting at nine. I mean, come on. He's hot though, isn't he, at the moment? He's a hot actor. Well, he shouldn't be answering to those sort of emails. He shouldn't be replying. Yeah. I think he probably gets a lot, but I think that probably a lot of them are missable, aren't they? Yeah, but I just don't see how admin features that heavily

in the life of a Hollywood star. I mean, even Frank has Jenny, the PA. Yeah, but I'd say... Why hasn't he got a PA? I lost my... I'm sure Eddie Redman's got a PA. I lost my phone the other day. You know when you lose your phone, you get that sick feeling in your stomach,

and then when you find it, it's like winning the FA Cup. Or at least winning the FA Cup was about 30 years ago, and it meant something. And it was that. I lost my phone for like four or five hours, and I was sick. And it was on silent, so I couldn't do the can you ring my phone thing. Anyway, I found it. Where was it? It'd gone down the side of the chair.

Oh, I hate that. You know, the trouble is with the new... Can I say I've... Yeah, I think you can. I think people know what I was going to say there. It's slim. It's slimmer than normal. So those sides of the cushion are just calling it.

It's fashion then. Anyway, I found it. I'd lost it four or five hours. And my joy at finding it, slightly undercut by the fact there wasn't one message in that period. I don't get many messages. I text you. You do occasionally, but I don't get many messages, I'll be honest.

It's fine, I can live with that. But Eddie, I imagine, is a popular man. I do tend to think if someone doesn't have a smartphone, if they have one of the phones he's talking about. What do you think? It's like when people don't drive, I always think there's probably something missing. I think if they were questioned, you'd find a period in their life where they might have disappeared and the family were worried about them. There's something a bit gentleman of the road-ish about that. Yeah, you make people over 30 say, oh, I don't drive.

I'm sorry. I think that's so harsh. Why do you say that? Do you not trust them? I just think, of course you must drive. It's the modern world. Go and see to that now. Go and see to it.

No, but really. But what if you miss the driving window? Because maybe there's... Is that the one at the front with the wipers? No, but Frank, you get... Maybe once you get to 30, it gets hard to learn, doesn't it? Does it? Well, yeah.

How do you get to 30 without learning to drive? OK, if you're so impoverished. But I find that people at the very poor are. I've got a driving licence. Many of them do, yeah. Can you imagine if I said this? Can I just say, if there is anybody who can't drive yet and they're like 30... Don't give up. I was 27 when I passed my driving test,

and I'm now a motoring correspondent on a radio show, so there's hope for us all. 27, I can live with that. OK, I think I was about 21, and I've now got a Benz, so hang in there. Good for you. Yeah. Did I mention that? and a smartphone

but if you're there with the old phone and you're not driving if you can't afford it it's different but I wonder about people who just have thought it's not important I mean to drive they don't think driving is important what are I thinking? The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Frank, you've really caused something of a sensation with your strong views on driving.

For example, Tom, what if you live somewhere where it's easier to catch public transport than to drive? That's what people say in London. You might live there, but you do occasionally go out of town. you live somewhere where it's easier to catch public transport than to drive? That's what people say in London. You know, OK, you might live there, but you do occasionally go out of town. OK, next. What about an away game? What about an away game?

Frank, I only passed my test a year ago and I'm 41. Passed first time. So this old dog has learned a new trick. I also have one of these new dangled phones. Get me, Fiona and Torquay. Well done. See, Fiona might have been a late one, but she always knew it was important to learn to drive. She stuck with it. Respect. Can you say new

dangled? Was that a misspelling of fangled? No, I like to think that was one of her funny little character quirks. I hope so. I'm warming to Fiona. And she can drive now. What do you think about this? Or is she thinking one now. Yeah. Well, probably not given that she passed first time. Or is she thinking

one of those, she got mixed up between something that's newfangled and a dongle. Yeah. Which she thinks is the height,

the height of cottage technology. Next thing she'll be getting Netflix. Well, yes, I'm up. I told you what it was in the break. What did you think?

I think you'll like it. I'm going to get it. I said, I'll come round this weekend and sign you up. And you said, no, I don't know if I want to commit yet. I don't get it for nothing, weren't you? I've seen pounds a month or something. I've said that to women lots of times. They've said, I'll come

round this weekend. It sounds like I don't have the time for Netflix. What do you mean? That's true, I think. You've watched every episode of Celebrity Big Brother this week. Yes. How can you say that? Be quiet. Now we're talking a television masterpiece. Which it really is, by the week. Yes. How can you say that? Be quiet. Now we're talking a television masterpiece. Which it really is, by the way.

Yes. Frank, 923, I didn't pass till I was 30. I just wasn't responsible enough before then. Byron. Very self-aware. Well, Byron. It is true of Byron. Yes.

Mad, bad and dangerous to know. He grew up there. What do you think of that? Also, he's got a club foot, I think. Can you still say club foot? I don't. Can you look that up? Okay. So, Frank, how would think of that? Also, he's got a club foot, I think. Can you still say club foot? Can you look that up? Okay.

So, Frank, how would you answer that if he feels he wasn't responsible enough? I could say 30. He got under the wire. I mean, that's fine. But he was someone who at least had bookmarked driving. Yeah. But the idea that you can live in the current times

and think driving is a choice, then you just depend. You're one of those people that says, you can drop us off at No! I couldn't. Drive! Simple as that. Okay. Not sure how we got here from Eddie Redmayne's phone, though.

Well, because he's turning his back on technology. Yeah. See, I kind of empathise with that. As you guys will know, I've got a smashed phone. I'm one of those people with a smashed iPhone. You know, the ones that... It's almost like you don't want to pay for the new glass. No, no, I'm due an upgrade,

but just the customer service conversation... I imagine you stood and threw it against a wall just to be a man of the people. I actually dropped it whilst it was in a protective case. It's hard because I've dropped my phone 20 times. You can imagine at my age how often I drop it and it

never breaks. You drop it every time it goes off. You go, ooooh! Exactly. Exactly. What is that? But I, whenever we're together, and I do want to raise this because I'm going to suggest something pretty rad, which is that we do, starting from today,

there's a mobile phone amnesty. I don't want people getting their mobile phones out of the brunch. I'm guilty of it. Daisy's the worst offender. And this is a precious time for us to spend together. Alan's good. He doesn't do it. Well, that's mainly because if I use my phone, then I end up with shards of glass in my fingertips because it's so smashed.

Unless I use my cling film life hack where I put cling film on the screen. I mean, what are we doing on these phones? I'm playing Candy Crush normally. Daisy's looking at a seven-year-old photo wearing leg warmers or something. And you're getting a text from your manager going, great great thank you

I'm looking at my Herodotus app you're getting who alerts I wouldn't like to live without who alerts to be fair let's look at my the sort of thing that we miss out on they saved the day the other day when you'd lost your phone

for four hours and nobody had called can you imagine the glut of Doctor Who news I got? Yeah, why I love the seeds of doom, you see? Oh, and Robert Bank Stewart has died. So, you know, I wouldn't know either of those things if I didn't have Who News. So what do you think to this, my suggestion? Well, the trouble... I tell you what, I always think if you...

I love the idea. think if you it's i love i love the the idea i know i like where it's coming from let's go back to human contact okay um what if there was a fire at my house and i didn't know about it well you just get there an hour late if that yeah well is that all right you know that used to happen okay luckily i drive that's a good point. Don't drive a fire engine. We can try. If our phones rang... No, you're allowed the ringtone on, but that's it. You're allowed the ringtone, but nothing else.

OK, well, let's do that, then. Because I know what you mean. I start showing photos that I've got, because I feel conversation slips. If I'm not careful, conversation slips into what I would call ordinary people conversation. And what do people say? They say things like, oh, so what did you eat last night?

Yeah, exactly. If anyone talks about food or clothes, Frank hates it. Well, I don't hate it, but you know. I think you can have time off when I'm with you. Don't waste the resources. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. Is there only me that when a gadget becomes faulty or damaged, like my phone, or I have a little keyboard for my iPad, and the bit where you put the iPad in... Oh, yeah. ..is sort of snapped, so it now falls out. But rather than get really vexed about it like a lot of people do, I just stop using it as much.

Is that normal? That's all right. I feel like there's a sort of a stoic calm about me, is that? Yes. I think of you as a stoic, certainly. Yeah, good. Yeah. I'll take that. Well, I bought a shower radio.

Oh, did you? You bought something? Yeah, I bought something. You're so good in a goody bag at the Red and Orson show. Can we just stay on this? That's the last thing I buy. Why didn't you just mention it on here and then tell people you didn't want it? Well, I didn't know then that. I don't like doing that anyway.

Can I say that the booty I got today was accidental? Thank you very much. Respect. So I bought a shower, right? Have you ever seen them? I've heard of such a device. Oh, is it called a shower, right? Have you ever seen them? I've heard of such a device. Oh, is it called a shower ranger? Shower radio.

Oh, I thought it was a shower ranger. It's a man who wanders around in the shower. Like a power ranger. Yeah, I like that. It's a power shower. Power shower ranger. So, it's in the shape of a fish, I suppose, because it's waterproof. They want to intimate that by its shape.

They want to drive that point home. Yeah, so it sticks. It's got a sucker on the back of it, so you stick it on the wall of your shower and then just tune into the radio. When it first worked... But I'd be stiff with stress. Why?

Or the thought of the sucker failing and it falling into the shower. Well, it's in the shower. It's all right if it gets wet, because it's waterproof. What if it breaks and all the wires come out? Well, that would be terrible, admittedly. I don't think it's like a robot that's going to attack the owner. No, but it was nice, because, you know,

if you put the radio on outside the shower, you never really hear it. No. I mean, it's not so bad since I've moved on to the sort of... that I don't turn the water on until the, you know, just the beginning and the end. Of course, yeah. But anyway, I was very pleased with this thing.

It lasted about less than a fortnight. And one morning I put it on, and I'm not exaggerating, I switched it on, and it went... The most terrifying, like a parrot in a blender type of sound. Are you sure that wasn't Kath? And I was turning the tuning terrifying, like a parrot in a blender type of sound. Eee! Are you sure that wasn't Kath? And I was turning the tuning thing and it just continued like that. So it was, I mean, it was terrifying.

I couldn't turn the volume down. I couldn't stop this horrible screeching. Do you think it was a sign, like your watch being at the right time? Yeah. Do you think it was a sign? We're not trying to tell you something. Oh, it's been a while ago, so it must have happened. But anyway, I left it in there. It was on there for ages.

You know when something's been in the shower for a bit, it gets that sort of film, that silvery film on it? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it got that. And every now and again, I mean, literally, like every five or six weeks, I just think, well, maybe. Just in case it's somewhere right.'s in the end i i binned it what a day that was yeah you see i wouldn't have that frank because i love us i love a sing song in the shower i have a shower song i always do you have a song you always sing i have a selection well i'll tell

you i want to hear yours and yours alan i. I always sing, for some extraordinary reason, Chesney Hawks' I Am The One And Only. Oh, OK. Because I think I sing it very well in the shower. Not out of it. Forgive me for this, but I think you probably sing that song fairly frequently, not just in the shower, innit? When I'm in the shower, I sing You Are The One And Only

whilst pointing. What? Oh, Christ. Sorry, everyone. Can I do that again, Steve? Um... What, live? Oh. What do you sing, Frank?

I sing Blue Bayou, the old Roy Orbison sort of semi-hit. Oh, lovely. I feel so sad I've got a trouble mind. The echoes of the show, it gives you a sort of the big O type. Yeah. What about you, Al?

Money, money, money. Rain drops keep falling on my head. You don't sing that in the shower. I don't, but I will from now on, because I've just thought of it. That's a good idea, isn't it? Respect to Mundo. Do you sing in the shower? Yeah, but I don't have a particular song.

I'll just, I'll mix it up. I'll mix it with you. Bit of Les Mis, bit of Phantom. Well, I like all sorts of music, really. Really? In that case, you like no music. Now learn to drive. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Have any of you ever used a selfie stick? No. No. No. No? I use something called a photographer. It's my selfie stick. 936 has texted us.

Hi, Frank. You said on Room 101 that you can't ride a bike. As you say, you always like to be learning something. I wonder why the bike is a no-go. I'd like to set a challenge that you're able to ride a bike to the studio within four weeks. Blimey! Your son will be proud, as will Britain. Cheers, Daz Humphreys.

That's a good point. Now, what do you say to that? Because I wonder whether that is a slight, you know, it's a bit of a dig that you've been criticising people for not driving, yet you can't ride a bike. Because I should say, I can't believe it. He didn't make that dig. I think that's, you've added that. Well, I've added that because I'm defensive, because I can't ride a bike. I he didn't make that dig you've added that because I'm defensive because I can't ride a bike

I think he is making that dig though well you could say that a bike is essentially a child's vehicle and the car is for grown ups I agree so I think that's fair enough and also Frank when I tried I was with my god daughter Honey recently

neither of us are great at riding bikes. No. And both her parents were laughing at us because we couldn't ride the bikes. And Honey brilliantly pointed out, when in your life is someone going to say, quick, grab these bikes? Which I thought was a very good observation. You will need to drive. That's a life skill. You don't really need the bike.

No, I mean, at the same, I know Alan is very pro-bike. Is he? He thinks once, thinks twice, thinks bike. Yes. Yes, I do. I did... I don't know if this is... I must have mentioned this in the past.

We've been on air now for, I think, seven years nearly. Just today. Yeah. Feels like it. That was just a watch anecdote. I like that in the end. Oh, there i turned it around that's why it said eight o'clock instead of half past two yeah no but i did have lessons do you remember that yes i do yeah i do remember that i remember the local council where i live gave free bicycle lessons so i had a couple of lessons there so you learned

what the man didn't like is when he said stop, I leapt off rather than pressing the brakes. There was a point, I didn't think this would happen, the bike sort of carried on without me. Like, you know when a jockey falls off a horse? Never does a horse

look more stupid than when it continues in a horse race, continues jumping fences on its own. You think, look at that horse. What's he, what is his motivation? So anyway, I did that and I was a bit nervous. And then I went into the country for some lessons. Right.

Oh, you've given it a good old go. On the quiet road. And I paid this time. I paid a man to do it. And he's very nice. And I was actually riding a bike. I was riding around this sort of... They had cars on, but they weren't roads, roads.

And then he said to me, and I'm going to be upfront about this. He said, next time we'll go out on the road. And I became so frightened, I cancelled the next lesson. Oh. Oh, I understand that. There you go. So, yes, but I do, I would like to be able to just, you know, jump on my bike and tootle across London.

Would you? I think we can do this. Do you? Yeah, I don't think it's beyond you. I like the idea of people... Is it beyond me, Elizabeth? No. I think I'll wear the wrong clothes for it.

Well, I was Rear of the Year in 1999 and when you look at some of the bombs on bikes, you think, I'd like people in cars staring at my bomb like this. Yeah, especially when you get a bit of rain down the cleavage. Excellent. You're listening to the Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your

Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. We've had a text, Frank should learn to ride a bike

because then he'll never have to stop at a red light again. Can we just say that we totally disagree with cyclists jumping at red lights? Yes, can we say that Absolute Radio thinks that cyclists should stop at red lights? Yes. But he should learn to ride a bike, because why not? Yeah, I agree. We've got some emails in.

I thought we were thinking of sashaying, shall we? You're sashaying again, are you? No, I'm not. Let me see. I'll sing it, because we can't find it. No, no. Any excuse. Knee by gum, knee by gum, knee by gum mill corner.

I love that. It's good, isn't it? Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, long time reader. I've listened to every podcast since the first ones in 2009. Shut up. Honest. And all the Not The Weekend podcasts back then. God, I forgot they existed.

Oh, sat in that little studio. They're out there. You were talking recently about things you don't like the sound of. On a similar subject, something I don't like the feel of is the front cover of the Guinness Book of Records 1998. Yeah, I know what you mean. Totally. It's got, it's got like a 3D

hiero, can I just say it like that? It's got like a 3D hieroglyphic, which feels strange to touch. I call it the zizzy sound and feel. That's from Danny Elson. I love Danny Elson, he's my kind of guy. Yeah, he's, uh, it was worth waiting for, his first ever contact.

An example of an excellent email, I think. Is it the one that was... There was one that was a bit spirate, a bit like vertigo, spirally on the cover of the Guinness Book of Records. No, I know what he means. It is like the little visa symbol thing. And it's all... Oh, I don't...

I know, because it's too... It's raised. It makes me feel a bit ill as well. I think, actually, we were sent the recent Guinness Book of Records, and it also has a hieroglyphic... Oh, I forgot that. It makes me feel a bit ill as well. I think actually we were sent the recent Guinness Book of Records and it also has a hieroglyphic... Oh, I forgot that. It makes me feel like sometimes when I watch the snooker on the television and they rub their hand on the table, it makes...

But other times it doesn't when I'm not thinking about the thought. OK. It's weird, isn't it? I handled a pig the other week. Are we still on air? You're on air. And, you know, whenever pigs are depicted graphically, that is in cartoons, depicted, yeah.

I still don't like this. You know when they're depicted graphically, like in a butcher's window, and they might have an apron on and stuff like that? Oh, yeah. Or I suppose obviously Peppa Pig or those kind of

piglet. They're always smooth in appearance. Yeah. Really smooth. But in the real world I touched this pig and it was and i liked it no i didn't like it it was really hairy and coarse you're witness course you know that hair

you find on crackling yeah yeah oh i know. I think they should be sheared like sheep, and then their hair should be... You should be able to buy a pig hair waistcoat. It's not good hair. It's bristly, sinuous and bristly. Yeah. But there can be a use for that. It would...

It's a bit... Can I be honest what that hair is, Frank? It's a bit what you'd expect to find under a middle-aged man's hat. When he hasn't had the transplant. Or a middle-aged pig's hat. They don't seem to have it on their head. No. That's a strange turnaround. The whole pig world

is topsy-turvy. No hair on their head. The back should have gone to neck savers. That's what I say. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, M. Night is pointing out on Twitter,

holographic, not hieroglyphic, unless the Guinness Book of Work records was made in the desert by slaves. Oh, I thought it meant... I thought it was an Egyptian... Yeah, that's what I thought. I thought it was going to be like the most... Oh, it's a hologram. Yeah, when you tilt it one way, you see a picture

and they are quite scratchy, aren't they? You know, last week you were saying... They're itchy and scratchy. You were wondering what happened to those really thick rubber gloves that you used to see on telly that were built into the wall. In laboratories. Yes, that was Frank's version of whatever happened to Spangles. Yeah.

Whatever happened to those laboratory gloves? For handling isotopes. Yeah, those laboratory gloves. They're the only way that I can read the Guinness Book of Records because of that scratchy cover. So they do come in handy. We're talking about things that... I'm talking to the audience, don't panic.

I don't do this often, but it'll be all right. We're talking about things we don't like the feel of. Keep it clean. Yes. On the book front, I'll tell you what I hate. You know when you get a dust cover on a book? Yeah. And then it slips a bit, and you pick the book up,

and you think you're going to get the solid cardboard of the hardback and you get the unsupported sharpish end of the slipped book cover goodness that's specific i hate that i like i like that you've even picked up on that yeah it's really it's it's the thing where we felt so sturdy and now it feels so weak now um like so many things. Yes, like us all, eventually. Now, toys, where do you stand on velvet? Because I've encountered a number of men in my life and that's the end of that story. And the majority of them

don't like velvet. How do you feel about velvet? I don't like it, the way it collects the lint. It's a lint magnet. Isn't it very good for not picking up creases, though? Well, exactly. I don't like the way it collects the lint. No. It's a lint magnet. Yeah. Isn't it very good for not picking up creases, though? Well, exactly.

A velvet suit is useful. Is that right? Yeah, yeah. You wouldn't wear a suit velvet. I'm a jacket. I can imagine in extreme circumstances. Extreme? What sort of extreme circumstances?

Well, I don't think I've ever owned a velvet anything. A velvet suit apparently is very good for the performer because you can chuck it in your bag and then boom. Yeah, but once you start going on stage in a velvet suit apparently is very good for the performer because you can chuck it in your bag and then boom. It doesn't need pressing. Once you start going on stage in a velvet suit, what are you going to do? Go compare? I'm going to start wearing velvet suits for my... You are not.

For my downbeat, slightly miserable stand-up. Are you going to get all big white teeth as well? That would be fun, wouldn't it? No, I can't. You can't picture that. Me going, have you ever noticed pizza toppings like this? Did you watch

that Dominic Sandbrook documentary about popular entertainment? I think I've got it on the old Sky Plus. And he was talking about the Beatles and what a massive influence. Did I tell you about this before? What a massive influence the Beatles were. And he found an old copy of the Sunday Times from, like, 64, and someone had written in a letter defending the Beatles,

because people were saying, they should not have got an MBE and all this. And he said, no, it's absolute. This bloke said, you forget that they're great achievements. He said, no-one can measure what they've done for the British corduroy industry. And of all the things you have said about the Beatles, that's

one that tends to get forgotten. It does get overlooked. And corduroy, I'm low, I don't think I could wear a corduroy suit. I used to own a corduroy suit, yeah. Oh no. Corduroy shoes, do you remember when they were big? Oh, yeah, I quite like those. Anyway,

this is getting a bit, this is getting a bit spangled now. But you don't like the feel of velvet, is that what you're saying? I don't like velvet. I know this is a bit basic, but of cotton wool. Really? I mean, there's no surprise there. I don't like that. Cotton wool?

Oh, no, I'm all right with that. Are you getting cotton wool confused with rock wool? No. The quite abrasive cladding fabric that is used in the building. Oh, God, I've forgotten all about that, rock wool. I mean, that's really sore. You don't want that. Especially don't get it confused with cotton wool. Is this the strangest link we've ever done?

I'm letting it run as well. I've got notes saying, please press the advert, but I'm just ignoring it. It's the sort of thing that might go somewhere good if we wait maybe an hour and 45 minutes. Let's give it a go. How long shall we wait? I've got, but I'm just ignoring it. I just... It's the sort of thing that might go somewhere good if we wait maybe an hour and 45 minutes. Let's give it a go. How long shall we wait? I've got no appointments.

No, no, I thought we'd be kind of going red lights. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215.

Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email us through the Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Email us through the Absolute Radio website. As you guys may or may not know, I'm not a particularly massive news junkie. I'm not one of those people that's always glued to the 20... But I do scan the Daily Mail occasionally. Do you? Yeah, just for funny stories, basically.

Don't you just look at some unknown American actress in a bikini? That's why people go to the Daily Mail. How dare you? That's not the kind of guy I am. Somebody with a surname for a... Cochran Allen. When I saw this... Skinner Frank, looking, showing Merv

Wilbur what he's missing. That kind of news. No, showing Dean Emily. That's not what I'm all about. But let me just tell you this. When I saw this headline, I had to take my iPad over to my wife and show it to her, and she lolled.

She ruffled nearly. She lolled. Very nearly ruffled. Did she ruffle cop to her? She wasn't quite at that stage, but she was definitely lol. The headline reads, Good Samaritan buys a McDonald's meal for a homeless man she saw eating pots of ketchup,

only to find it was an ordinary customer waiting for his order. That's a headline. That's a long headline. What did they find to write underneath that? It just says, as above. See above. Pretty much, pretty much. Oh, I really enjoyed this story.

I did. I've never really got that thing of people buying people dinner. Oh, I thought you meant the homeless. I don't get that either. Oh, hang on. So, sorry, tell us. We do. You don't understand why someone would buy someone else dinner?

I just think... It's not that tricky a concept, is it? Yeah. I've been off the singles market for a while what can i say lucky for you then no but that thing of like assuming that somebody is homeless and buying them a sandwich or something i just think we'll talk to the person surely and say do you want a sandwich for option yeah but you can't go over and say are you homeless you don't have to have the money for white lightning or whatever it is that you're going to buy with it you know i'm just well i have heard i don't know if this is true, but I've heard of people saying that they've given homeless people sandwiches

and they've just thrown them at them in rage. Yeah, yeah, I've heard that. But that seems unlikely, doesn't it? But that's not what happened. She saw the guy, unshaven man with rucksack, feasting on tomato sauce. He was eating it directly from the dispenser, to be fair. But it doesn't mean one of those squidgy tomato ones, does it? You don't get that in McDonald's, do you?

No, I think it's the, like, the big... Yeah. But when he was eating it, what did he have? Like a water fountain? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a drinking fountain? Or was it in his hands? Where was the ketchup going?

I think probably he was underneath it, like a... A drinking fountain. Like you might drink out of, say, the private parts of an ice sculpture. Sometimes people drink out of it. Why go there? Yeah. Well, that's what I said when I saw it. Yeah, couldn't I just wait till it's coming out of the knee, I said.

And they said, no, no, we haven't got all night. She was so embarrassed, she ran out of the knee, I said. And they said, no, no, we haven't got all night. She was so embarrassed. She ran out of the restaurant in shame. I think restaurant's probably too strong a word. But, yeah, yeah. Can I say, I... Says the man who thinks it's an extravagance to buy someone dinner. I was cooking myself dinner the other night.

And I was warming up a shepherd's pie. Lovely. And then I'd got some oven chips. That's a lot of potato, isn't it? It is a lot of potato. Any salad? Any greens? Some waffles? Well, yes. I had some...

I had... They are waffly versatile. I had some beetroot just from the packet, uncooked. I was just eating that just cold. Oh, that's a strange... I quite like that. Strange bedfellows. So what I did was while the shepherd's pie was warming up and the oven chips were doing, I ate the beetroot.

Because I thought, I don't have to eat them all together. While they're cooking, I might as well eat this bit. I Beetroot. Because I thought, I don't have to eat them all together. While they're cooking, I might as well eat this bit. Well, exactly. I reckon this bloke has thought, well, while I'm waiting for the burger, I might as well have the ketchup now. Save time.

Yeah. That's a good point. It's all good. As he used to say, it all goes down the same hole. That's true. I have to admit, I've eaten ketchup on its own.

I mean, never straight from the dispenser. Ice sculpture style. But I have, if there's a eaten ketchup on its own. I mean, never straight from the dispenser, ice sculpture style. But if there's a big blob left on the plate, I'll eat that. First time I did this show, we were walking through the offices downstairs and you ate a sugar cube just off a table that was in a bowl. I'm a bit like a horse in that respect. I didn't want to say it, but yeah. I love a sugar cube. I didn't want to say it.

I love a sugar cube. Maybe he was using it as stained blood to op his begging money later. Is that a possibility? I love the fact that she said she was absolutely mortified. I've got to tell you, this woman, a guy that's standing in the queue eating tomato sauce is not that unhappy about having to have two Big Macs. I think he was at a table, wasn't he? I think he's sad.

Does she buy food for everyone she thinks is hungry? She should come into our office at InStyle. I honestly think that he was just saving time. If he'd have been waiting for a Filet-O-Fish... Do you know that? I love one of my favourite Irish singer-songwriters. If he'd have been waiting for a Filet-O-Fish,

he'd have been having the tartare up front. That's my theory. If that man is listening, then he's not homeless, as we've established that, so it's alright to mock him. I think so, yeah. Well, respect. Well done, mate, for having a house.

Oh, press the button, Frank. I don't want to. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I did feel quite sorry for this woman, though, because that wizard had indeed gone a little bit wrong. But doesn't she come out of it well? I think she went to the papers as well.

Yeah, I like that. I was absolutely mortified. I had to rush straight to the press. Because she's basically saying, I'm a good person. Yeah. I was in a cafe once in Harbour in Birmingham. And occasionally, what they used to call in those days tramps was a bloke about 50-odd who came in with about nine overcoats, one of those old traditional.

And they used to let him sit in there and have a cup of tea. And they were very, you know, they never choked him out. And a bloke came in and still pretty true picturing him like a trilby and that on. He came in and he went over to this... Can you still say tramp? You can if it's retrospective. He went over to this tramp and he says, mate, you don't drive a blue Ford Mondeo, do you? Because it was part, like, he was blocking his car in.

And the tramp went, no, no, I don't. I don't. He was like, why did you think he did? Because he thought even he would drive. Looking back, he was right. What about my incident at the stables? So this is at my stables. As you know, I'm an equestrian these days. I'm at my stables.

There's the little bit where you pay. And there's a mother with her child. She must have been about seven or eight, the child. And a bloke walks in with his daughter, who's a bit younger, about five or six. Suddenly, the younger child starts talking as they do to the seven or eight-year-old, you know, getting to know her. And the seven or eight-year-old pushed the younger child. And I thought it wasn't very nice.

No? The mother said nothing, which I thought was rather rude, just said, that wasn't very nice. And the father walked out with the girl. So I felt so sorry for this father and her daughter, and I thought something had to be said. So I looked over and I said, can I just say, I thought that was horrible, and I hope your daughter's OK.

And he looked at me, slightly horrified, and he said, well, you know what sisters are like. Oh! I criticised his other daughter! And his wife. You hadn't said anything really bad, though. Well, I was about to. That terrible woman.

That horrid child. I didn't have to. My face said it all. Oh, that could have gone wrong. I was in Birmingham, sitting, having having a meal and it was freezing cold. This had been several years ago when it used to get cold. Oh, yeah. And there was a bosker outside and she looked blue with the cold, frozen.

And I felt really sorry for her. So I went out. When I left, I went over and gave her £20. Right. Whoa. Yeah. And this is a different version of a, I suppose, of a good deed gone wrong. Because that was it.

You know, I walked away and left it. To be honest, I've never really got over it. Even now, I think, when I said it then, I thought, why did I do that? £20! Why did you do that? Oh, what you wasted that on? I could have bought something good with it that I'd have liked.

But really, I've never quite got over it. I can see why you're telling this story, but I could also see, like, the agony in your face. Yeah. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text in. I'm not sure if this will be answerable.

Hi there, is DAB coming soon to Gothland, do you know? Where's Gothland? Is that a bit of Yorkshire? Is it Gothland? G-O-A-T-H. Oh, I thought it was Gothland. I thought it might be... Robin Hood's Bay? Yeah, something like that. I thought it was Camden Town.

Yes. Is DAB coming soon to Gothland do you know Yes it is I think it's February 11 February 11 I'm not sure if they I don't have a time with me but we can I'm not sure if they realise they've texted Absolute Radio

maybe they think they've texted somebody else My favourite tweet we've had this morning is from Tom Story, who's referring back to... You were mentioning an email you'd got in with strange apostrophes in it. Oh, yeah? And he says, Odd characters instead of apostrophe means your email client doesn't properly support Unicode characters.

There you go. Oh, that was my second guess. I should have just announced this thing as a Unicode. Good point. It's a mythical creature. I have known such thing as a Unicode. Good point. I went to school with a kid called Tom Story. He was one of those kids who looked like a man was in the class. Like he was, you know, muscular and hairy and stuff, when he was like 11.

Oh, I love those. Yes, those men. Child men. I know them. I remember he used to kick the ball really hard and sport the whole game. Oh. Anyway, if you're listening, Tom. Good story. I wonder if he's caught the ball really hard and spark the whole game. Oh. Anyway, if you're listening, Tom.

Good story. I wonder if he's caught up or if he's still like, you know. Maybe. Can I just... There's one final... Well, it might not be the final one, but it's pretty... She's quite emphatic.

This is from Gillian in Huddersfield on the subject of not driving. I'm 47 and have never learned to nor wanted to learn to drive. It is not because i'm poor or intellectually challenged or a freak i just don't want to i like trains and buses now okay did you uh deliberately edit that because i think they said uh it's not because i'm a pov which is i believe that's an offensive thing to say it is an offensive but i haven't heard it for

so long i've never heard that before. I don't like it. I thought it was not acceptable. I think it's very Yorkshire, that. Oh, is it? It's really Yorkshire. It means like a poverty thing. I think it is, yeah. I've never heard that before.

I did edit that. I didn't feel it would sound good coming from my accent. I'm sorry to highlight it for you. Well, Cockrell put it back. It really made me laugh. I had some tech support recently and i i've got to tell you i feel like i might have overreacted i had a what i think was a privacy invasion i we've had some internet problems we changed supplier and ee you know it's's not... All right. Did you clear history, love? Blah, blah, blah. Well, bear with.

OK. Here's what happened. We ended up having an engineer come round and saying, oh, yeah, your Wi-Fi's not... I love that they're called engineers. Yeah. You know, engineers should be like Perkins in... Exactly.

...Mommy on the Orient Express. There should be blue overalls covered in grease and a muffler. Well, he was more like that than, you know, engineer as in horn-rimmed spectacles and a bow tie. He was definitely more of the high-vis jacket, thick safety boots, like, massive hands. What, to do your computer? To do the Wi-Fi on, like, the broadband and all that stuff. So he ended up out on the street and then he's coming in. Oh, wow.

Haven't we all loved. So next thing, I'm in the kitchen making myself a cup of tea and my wife shouts, Alan, can you come through, please? And I walk through and this massive-handed man is there with my iPad in his hand. She's put the code in. She's opened it up. Of course she has. Bet she has.

They're on the internet and and he goes how come you've got all these different bits open why are they running like that like four or five different you know when you leave your yeah you click on a little win tabs tabs that's the one i'm not very technological but i had like five tabs it's his job to look at stuff like that isn't it at mine isn't it i'm not sure that he should just be given my iPad by my wife and then he's there with his big hands and his high-vis jacket on. It's all one of it, Robin Asquith, Confessions of an Engineer. Who's the villain in this story?

The wife? Yes. The engineer? Yeah, absolutely. The person with something to hide? The engineer, the comedian and her lover. I don't, I don't, I didn't like the fact that he could see what websites I looked at. What have you got to hide what websites well they're pretty

boring like you know not bigfoot babes no more boring than that it was like okay well come on you let your accountant see your bank statements yeah that's different though isn't it he's not wearing high viz and safety boots and having massive hands. I only let my accountant see my bag statements because I like watching him punch the air. But then he was like, my wife said, oh, do you need all these open? She said, do you need all these open? And I was thinking, well, I don't need the article.

I'm sure she was on his side. I hate it when people come round from outside us and your partner sides with them on things. Totally. I had this with the Jehovah's Witnesses. And also, like, five windows were open on the iPad. That's not what's slowing

down our internet in this day and age. Of course it's not. It's 2016. What? They put a man on the moon, can't they? Like, Tim Peake wasn't going, oh, I'd better close eBay before I do the spacewalk. Yeah, but some of those big feet sites, they take you to places that are... They've got a verrous.

They take you to the sort of places where a lot of pop-up poker windows come up, if you know what I mean. Yeah, you can get lots of... I mean, I went on Bigfoot Babes. I didn't get a virus, I got a verruca. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So my question basically is, did I overreact or was my wife right to give a complete stranger my iPad and put the PIN number in so that he could see that I read really boring articles about how to stretch your muscles after a workout or... Is that how you explain them away? AA routes from... Lunges. Yeah, that sort of stuff.

I mean, really dull. Ladies who lunge. No, not that. Not that. Like, more boring than that. Like, just literally articles about lunges. Like, really boring. I don't know what you think, Frank.

I would say there's no heroes in this story, really. I mean, everyone has their own shame. Well, I think if he... Was he offering help other than the you've got too many things open tabs? And then he didn't fix it, and we had to upgrade to, what's it, fibre optic or something? You see, since I've, how can I put it,

reformed as far as the internet is concerned, I'm so proud of my history now. I want the world to see. Oh, right. You know what I mean? It just makes me feel pure. So I feel, I don't know, I mean, I'm not calling you a liar, but you sound like a man who's hiding something.

No, well, there's private browsing for that sort of stuff, isn't there? Is there? I don't know, I'm out of touch. Of course you don't. Don't need it anymore? Whatever. Don't need it anymore? So what did you do? Did you snatch it? Did you snatch it away from him? I sort of went, yeah, these are the windows that are open. I was looking at them, thinking, well,

Brain Pickings is a website that I go to. It's full of, like, kind of intelligentsia articles. I don't think that would have been a best strata. Brain Pickings, that website that I go to. It's full of, like, kind of intelligentsia articles. I don't think that would have been a good start. Brain Pickings, that would be the dating site for the... For the intelligentsia. That would be the Slim Pickings fan site. You know what Slim Pickings was? Used to play the sort of...

He's, well, I don't know, Sheriff. I'm back to my old, Wild West old time. That's where I feel at home. That's your comfort zone. It is, is yeah Sure is You know you're a pretty looking lady That's why when you go for auditions Frank For things like the West Wing you don't get them

Because you can't do an American accent without doing that one No well I was explaining this to David Tennant only recently Oh what were you saying? That I went, I had to do this thing It was an American drama David Tennant only recently. Oh, what were you saying? That I went, I had to do this thing. It was an American drama. And I read a part for it. I auditioned for it.

You didn't do the old oil perspective voice, did you? I did. And so I had to say, oh, sorry, I thought you knew I'm gay. I think that was the line. I didn't say it in that voice. Yeah, so the only American accent. So I said, well, I'm sorry, I thought you knew I'm gay. I think that was the line. I didn't say it in that voice. The only American accent. So I said, I'm sorry, I thought you knew. I'm gay. And didn't get the part.

But there must be Americans that talk like that all the time. Maybe not saying that. But they tend to have clay pipes, which you don't get in the big American dramas. Anyway, what else? Hello? Hello? By the way, this, my pan, my new master pan.

Oh, yeah. Can I ask you a question? Sure. A broil. To broil something. What is that? Isn't it, um, like to shallow boil it? Oh, is it? Is it? I thought, well, isn't that just boiling it um like to do you know shallow boil it how is it is it i thought well isn't that just

boiling it oh it's a version that signifies something i thought it might be a cross between to fry and to i suppose that'd be to froil but broil it's something you hear said but i've never really questioned what it was before someone Someone will know. Someone will know. So 999 has texted us. Oh, yeah? Oh, no. Can you tell them I popped out for a minute for some 20 metres? No, I think it's that fireman I met 10 years ago.

He says, Alan, novice mistake. Always close your tabs. That's it. There you go. Novice mistake, Frank. No need for that. Unless you're working a convent. Unnecessary.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I've had some support in from 855 Hello lovelies I had to have work IT look at my laptop and had celebrityheights.com and Ministry of Waxing open mortified

Ministry of Waxing fill your pain there 787 Frank, broil means to grill, not boil, to the numpty there. Love, Steve. That's directed to Alan the numpty. So broil is the same as... I don't think I said it was boil.

But if broil is the same as grill, why have to... Exactly. It's an Americanism, isn't it? It's American corruption. But they say grill, don't they? They do. They also say broil. And they say griddle.

They say loads of words, actually. It's a zucchini courgette thing all over again. OK. You say zucchini, I say courgette. I say gambaccini. Oh, OK. Respect. Another wild difference between America and the UK

is the tipping culture, isn't it? I saw an article saying that the British don't typically tip as much as the... Oh, I love typically tip. Do you tip your hairdresser and takeaway delivery driver, the headline said? Yes. I don't have a takeaway delivery driver, but I tip my hairdresser £20. £20? Yeah.

See, I'm even feeling anxious about that. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, but it's all percentages. If you're paying 200 quid for a hairdo... I can't say what I'm paying, but, yeah, it seems reasonable. £5... No, £10 to the washer as well. Wow.

£10 to the washer. That is a lot of tip. Yeah. See, my wife, I thought... That's what it costs in these high-end salons. I thought that my wife paid £38 for her haircut, and so it was an awkward price to tip, to round it up to two. And I mentioned it to her, and she said,

no, it's actually £39, which is really bad pricing, isn't it? Because £1 tip is worse than zero there, isn't it? They're going to get... They're looking at £50. That's what they're looking at. They can't be. You see? They can't be. I'm going to say very good use of that's what they're looking at.

No, this is the north of England. They can't be expecting an £11 tip on there. No. Surely. I think you have to see these people again. And I think if it's a profession where the majority of their income is comprised of tips, I think that's fair enough. You're under moral obligation to tip people.

Is that what hairdressing is? Yes. It's the majority of their income is tips. You're all looking as if this is common knowledge. No, I have no idea. And waiters. Mr. Topper, where it's nine quid for a haircut. And you give ten.

No, I didn't, actually. A lot of people apparently went to ten, but I gave them an extra two quid in change to make it, you know, like a 33% thing. But I once spent six weeks in Japan. Mr. Topper. Hardly Mr. Tippers, is it? No, not Mr. Tipper, eh?

I spent six weeks in japan where they have tipping is not at all part of their culture just is frowned upon yeah and um it was great sounds brilliant it's the only real holiday i've ever had yeah you don't even have to think about it yeah i was with my manager once once, and we had a stretch limo took us to the airport. Oh, competition winners. We hadn't paid for it. You didn't like such middle-aged competition winners.

No, it was a head night. Offered us a lift. And he gave the guy, I think it was $7, which was quite a lot of money. This is a long time ago. I was interviewing Robin Williams, so you can tell it was. And the guy said, thanks, I'll get myself a cappuccino. And it was, I couldn't believe it.

But the tip, it's a horrible, it's mugging, basically, isn't it? Yeah. It's bullying, mugging, bullying, mugging. There you go. Well, apparently people leave an average of £4.21 at a restaurant. That's a rubbish average. Who leaves 21p counting out the pennies? I know, but come on.

My dad, I remember we had removal men round when we moved from one council house to another, and my dad actually put a fiver in the bloke's breast pocket of his shirt. He didn't give it to him. He put it in his pocket. Excellent. Did he use the words, have a drink on me? I think he said have a drink. I hope so.

That to me is old school tipping, is have a drink on me. But would you dare go up to a workman in your house and put a fiver in his pocket without... I gave that engineer five pounds and asked him to leave my home. My hairdresser, I did something terrible. My hairdresser, Rom,

I put the tip, because he was doing someone else's hair by that stage, I put it in his back pocket. Turned out it wasn't his back pocket. It was his pant line. I basically treated him like Magic Mike without realising. I should say he wouldn't be interested in me

or Daisy or Charlie, but that's not the point. Don't put money in a man's pants. Is he aiming higher? No, he'd be more interested in you. What do you mean? Frank, stop him! Stop him now! Oh, I see what you mean now. With workmen as well, there's an element of piggy bank about their behinds.

That's true. That could be really horribly awkward. My girlfriend, she goes to life classes, you know, art classes. Oh, yeah. She draws naked people. Naked? Of course, you don't have the fiver in the breast. You go for them with the fiver and then, oh.

Yeah, but they get tipped. Do they really? They get tipped for good dirt. They get paid, but they get tipped as well by the artists. Depending on how still they've been. What do you give someone for the nude posing then? Ivor cover it? I don't think Ivor will cover it

he wouldn't mind what are those old Ivor's absolute absolute radio Frank Skinner on absolute radio you know we were talking about the old school tipping of saying have a drink on me Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You know, we were talking about the old school tipping of saying, have a drink on me.

Yeah. Yes. Somebody's texted, and also I remember reading this in a biography. Some old celebrity, possibly Tommy Cooper, it was Tommy Cooper, I can tell you that right now, used to place what the recipient thought was a cash tip in the tippy's top pocket and say, have a drink on me. The tip, though, was actually a tea bag. So they'd put a tea bag in their pocket.

I like that. Have a drink on me. I like that he carried a packet of, a pocket of tea bags. Well, I've updated it. I've given it a modern spin, and now I just give people that bring me food like a Nespresso capsule. That's what I'm doing. More like a George Clooney one.

You are Clooney-esque. Yeah, why not? What about this 439 one. You are Clooney-esque. Yeah. What about this 439 character, Al? Have you seen him? Yeah. I've been tipping my barber with lotto scratch cards and lucky dips each time for the past five years. That's a good idea. Do you think so? Each time... I think it's an awful idea.

I use awful. Each time... What about awful? So that's lovely. Thanks very much, Ian. Nice pound of lamb's liver. Assuming he has no joy with any of them as he's still there in the high street. Much easier than scratching around for change to give him. I just find the whole thing an awkward embarrassment. I'd rather they just charge more.

Really? Yeah. And then just keep me out of it. Well, I read an email here from Tom Burton. I don't get tip doing my job, brackets carpenter. People are doing their jobs. I only tip at restaurants. I agree in a way.

I'd like it if we got tipped. There are some jobs that seem to be tip-exempt, aren't there? Can you imagine if the controller of Absolute Radio came down and tipped us? Yeah, but I think there's people who have jobs that they rely on tipping. I mean, I couldn't get through life unless people were sending me free masterpans and yarn-bork socks. I wouldn't be able to live, yeah, exactly.

So I depend on it. And you'd have no clothes to wear. Exactly. So the whole thing. I think people are also frightened that if they don't tip, that they'll get Mediterranean saliva in their food. Yeah, I think I won't get good service the time I return.

I call it insurance tipping. Yes, exactly, and that's for the wrong reason. Oh, thank you for that. I'd quite like to start unconventional staff tipping, like the ticket inspector on the train when he comes round and inspects my ticket. I'd like to just go I've 50 pence. It's when people come up to you take you up to your hotel room and then they hang around. Oh, I hate that.

I just, that all feels so clumsy and uncoordinated to go. Oh, is that why they're hanging around? Yeah. Oh, I thought I got lucky. They come and show you how to switch. I genuinely thought there was interest. They show you how to switch... I genuinely thought there was interest. They show you how to switch a television on and then they wait to give them £2.

Yeah. Is that what it's meant to be? Oh, it's really. There's freaks hanging around carrying your luggage. Working. Yeah, people hanging around working. Sorry, this is a Elvis Presley quote about people working hotels. It is not my own views, can I say?

So, anyway, thank you so much for listening this morning. If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out! The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.