The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Bag of Gold

Episode Date: February 25, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by the Cockerel and the Devine Miss Em and the team have much to discuss from the Brits. Frank went to Brighton again and the team talk pie-gate.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Eme, eme, eme, eme, ee, ee, lad. Are you speaking my language now? Eee. So that turn against me, Ned Leather. All very well, Mr Jackson, but the men are not happy.

Anyway, a little bit of Yorkshire there. Nice little Radio 4 play. I think it's from Billy Lyre when the men march on the mill. I love Billy Lyre.

And the leader is called Ned Leather. Is he? What about Yellow Leather? That's a tongue twister. Oh, yes, I remember. People still do tongue twisters. I suppose it's been replaced by...

There'll be something else now. Yeah, the Pokemon Go will have replaced tongue twisters. So, um... Hoorah. Not as good. I used to like a riddle I said what happened to those my first is in fish but not in sea

I mean they were well I tell you what I liked I liked a riddle on 321 the game show remember those he'd read a clue out like a

there'd be a in the form of a riddle Frank and it would be so hard I'd never get it no but those were ridiculously hard for a populist game show they didn't want to give away hosted by a dustbin and then it was the most difficult show difficult it was the most difficult and then you got a car with both doors open and

the hazards flashing oh yeah oh yeah i loved a flashing hazard. Well, it was new then, the hazard light. It was classed as a feature. Why did they put the hazard on when they brought the car out? I think to make it look more showbiz. It probably had everything on it. You know, flashing lights, though, it's a showbiz. If they'd turned the mic up, probably the air con was on. If you got close enough to the car, you'd have just said...

Did you say the air con? Yeah, the air con was on. If you got close enough to the car, you'd have just said con. Did you say the air con? No, the air con. Oh. Did you put the emphasis on con? Did I? Yeah, Star Wars. Yeah? Isn't it called air con?

Am I saying it weird? I think you said the air con. Oh. Do you want to carry this on later, maybe? Luckily, people listening to this on their podcast will be able to rewind and hear that. I was thinking of Star Wars. It's like in Big Brother when someone denies

doing something and then you can go back to it and check. I'm happily scrolling back. I can't remember. Anyway, the hazards on the car was a big moment for me always. I love those hazards. It looks so glamorous in Hollywood, the Ford Fiesta with the hazards. I had a Star Wars dilemma this week in that big moment for me always i love those houses it looks so glamorous in hollywood the ford fiesta with the hazards i had a star wars dilemma this week in that um my four and three quarters as he

is now your old child wants to watch star wars so i thought oh do i start with the first one i saw or do i start with the first one if you know what I mean because you know the fourth one is the first one because there might be a whole new generation who will see the films in that order well exactly I mean that's how they're numbered nowadays supposed chronological according to the narrative

what did you do well I went to catch up and I put a bit of that on my sandwich. I wasn't happy with it. Can we cut that? We can't. Okay.

So I went to... Apologies. Yeah, I went to catch up and they put them in that order. So I thought, okay, well, I'll be ruled by Sky. What, they've put them in the original order or in the new order? No, they've put them in the numerical order. So we started watching Phantom Menace. Within ten minutes, I was thinking,

oh, I'd love to be watching the original. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. And he might, I don't know, he seems to be all right with it. He doesn't understand any of it, but, you know, there's monsters and things blow up. That's true.

That's my late review. Yeah. Spoiler alert. That would get me to the cinema. There's monsters and things blow up. Oh's true. That's my late review. Spoiler alert. That would get me to the cinema as monsters and things blow up. Oh, really? Yeah. What are we doing Tuesday? Any round up,

I had a bit of a night on the town. You've had a bit of a big night out, Frank, haven't you? I went to the Brit Awards. I've been what my mum calls gallivanting. I have been gallivanting. And so did Sarah on the show.

So it was just Al and I and producer Charlie. We didn't get tickets. That's still a 3-2 to the people who didn't go. True. Come on, though. Well, I went there and you're supposed to go and do the red carpet and all that. But I was in a stationary car. You know when you're in heavy traffic,

but you're moving just a little bit? It just gives you that little bit of incentive. Yeah. When it's literally stationary, when people start getting out of their cars and walking about. Like La La Land. Yeah, and people are taking photos of the traffic jam. It's never good.

We were like 100 yards from the Blackwell Tunnel. It was so near yet so far. Oh, dear. And I was there for an hour and ten minutes. In the car? In a stationary car. I mean, it was a lot longer, the whole journey, but that just still.

Were you on your own? I was with my personal assistant. Oh, well, you could pass the time. Well, exactly. We did a bit of work. Give us some admin. Went through some letters. Exactly.

And a quiz, obviously. Take some notes. I know you've got a ball gown on, but, you know, it's last. No, it was, I think you have to relax into a traffic jam. I've always felt that. I remember listening to the whole of Trans Europe Express once in the Kraftwerk album in a traffic jam and having a lovely time.

But if you want a great night out, I would advise being stuck in a stationary car for an hour and ten minutes because just the getting there is so, just the fact that you've made it, everything else. We got the tube in the end.

What, you got out of the car and got the tube? We had to get out of the car and we got on the tube to the thing. I wonder... I mean, if anyone knows any different, you can text us on 81215. I wonder if I'm the only person who got to the Brits

with my over-60s bus pass. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So there's you with your pass on the underground. So I got there anyway. Well, Bastille. Just looking through the text messages for the first texting. Did anybody arrive at the Brit Awards using their over-60s bus pass? So far, not heard much.

Really? I'll be absolutely frank with you. Well, Bastille got the tube in. They did. I saw that, yeah. Saw pictures. They stormed it. Did they?

Yeah. Fine work. Yeah, so it does really set you off for the evening. And also, when I arrived, the desserts were being served. Oh, what? Did you miss the dinner? No, well, I took the elbow of a pretty waitress, which I haven't done for a long time. I settle for the elbow nowadays.

And I said... Guy Garvey. You couldn't find me a couple of main courses, could you? She said, I'll have a look in the kitchen, and out they came. Brilliant. I love eating meat when everyone else is eating a... Fugger. Yeah.

So is the dinner before the actual awards ceremony starts? Oh, yes, otherwise people would be throwing parsnips and stuff at the acts. And who were you seated with, may I ask? Well, it was basically the great and good of Bauer. Bauer owned Absolute Radio and Planet Rock and Magic and Kiss and stuff. So it was all... Bit of a works outing.

It was the greatest hits of that. It was lovely, actually, lovely company, I must say. I think the overall feeling about it, I think it's about time that we, the living, stood up for ourselves at ceremonies because I think it was absolutely... I'm sick of them being dominated by dead people. There was a lot of dead winners, wasn't there?

Yeah, I mean, there was Bowie, George Michael and a Cohen. I mean, there were skeletons on stage. I just think, you know, I think people of life, we need to unite, we need to boycott these ceremonies if they're not going to recognise our contribution. But it was, I'll tell you something which will surprise you, it was an absolutely brilliant show, which I loved. Now, OK, so I'm interested, can we go through some of these acts?

So it kicked off with Little Mix. Hold on a minute. Do my eggs. No, hold on a minute. Don't know them. Little Mix. Who knew? Who knew what?

They rocked the place. They're great. Little Mix are like complete... I love Little Mix. Can I just say? I was expecting leprechauns when they were introduced. Do you like them? They were brilliant. I love them, Frank.

I couldn't believe it. They can all sing the actual show, the stage, the lighting. What about Perry? I mean, I love them all. I'm a Jesse fan personally. I don't know their individual names. I've got to be straight with you. I'm getting a bit hardcore for you now. I don't even really feel like I know them as a collective.

I mean, we've mentioned them, but I don't know. No, I felt the same. I dismissed them as silly reality people. They came on and absolutely ripped the place apart. Great little dancers, good voices. Honestly, great song. Silver swimming costumes. Are they little? Are they small?

They're dressed from the future. Don't start that, for goodness sake. Frank, they're dressed from the future, which I know you always like. Yes, there was a lot of silver people on stage, which I didn't. A little mix. They'd probably gone there

all their life. Who knew? I couldn't believe it. Great song as well. Oh, man. It was... Do you know what? That's really strange

because I was watching that performance at home. Yes, I was at home. I'm not invited to everything. No, well... Into each life a little rain, fall and but too much is falling in mine and i thought as little mix came on this is weird i thought i wonder what frank's making of this and then i thought well i love it i hope he likes it and you did well when they did when they got a prize and and the woman

said well i just want to thank all the people but i turned to luckily we had two people from geordie shaw on our table and i just what what she's what is she saying so that was handy perry now goes out with uh alex oxlade chamberlain oh is that right that's where i know them from her and he has apparently said i've given her a bit of street cred. So it's better for her because she was going out with Zayn and then he treated her badly. So she's now with a Premier League footballer,

so that'll be okay. Hold on, you're a bit more across it than I thought. I know everything about Little Mix. Oh, wow. Well, I'm astonished. I mean, I couldn't believe it. They were astonished. It was a great performance by Little Mix.

Now, what did you think of the 1975? Well, I've played them several times in 1975, and so I would call myself a fan. I mean, compared to Little Mix, they were all right. The Dickensian Sheep, though, I thought might have gone down well with you. I tell you what one thing that worried me... On chimney sweep at a ball. Yeah, but what worried me a bit is that the lead singer,

who seems like a very nice, decent chap... Matt Healy. Is it Matt Healy? Yes. Well, it'd definitely be Healy. Yes. Why is that? The chap. Matt Healy. Is it Matt Healy? Yes. Well, it'd definitely be Healy. Yes. Why is that? The father's Tim Healy. Is that right?

Yes. Because Matt Healy is the son of Denise Welch and Tim Healy. Tim Healy from... In that case, I knew him when he was a small boy. I met him. You didn't? No way.

Oh, my God. Work with them all. Did you really? Well, I knew him when he was a small boy. I met him. You didn't? No way. Oh, my God. Worked with them all. Did you really? Well, I knew. I went to their wedding. Really? Wow. Yeah.

Worked with them all. Yeah. So, that's their boy. That's the child. That's their boy. When a child is born. This is like a sort of broadcasted version. The last time I saw you, you were... Well, it is a bit is born. This is like a sort of broadcasted version. The last time I saw you, you were...

Well, it is a bit, exactly. No, if I'd have known that, if I'd met him, I could have said, you've got tall. It's very surprise to me. That's what you have to say to all young men, you know, as a child. Whoa, you're tall? Anyway, he did a speech, didn't he? And he said...

Yes. He said, the thing is, he said, we're told now not to talk about social issues and stuff, you know, if you're in the celebrity... He said, but I say this, if you've got a platform that you really should do that. Anyway, goodnight. And I thought, hold on.

Hold on, could you not think of one? He... It was like he was setting it up. So if anybody's got, could think of one. Was he doing a joke? No. Like a meta joke? No, he was...

No, he did say that. And he said... Everything was leading towards him talking about a social issue. And then he left. He said, you're told stay in your lane, was I believe the phrase he used. Which is a good... I like that.

I might use that. I like stay in your lane. But indicate first. Ideally. Is what I would say the phrase he used. Which is good. I like that. I might use that. I like stay in your lane. But indicate first is what I would say. Not if you're going to stay in your lane. Oh, yeah, you're staying in your lane. This is why I'm a poor driver. When I started driving, a woman said to me, can I give you a tip about motorway driving?

She said, when you get on, first time you get a gap, get into the middle lane and then just stay there until you get to the... And I said, oh, that's a good idea. It's a terrible idea. It was the worst advice I've ever been given. Katy Perry, she performed, didn't she? What did you think of her, Frank?

Again, great. But I've seen her before, I've seen her closer than that. I did a dance for Comic Rel relief thing and she was on. And I could have almost touched her. But in the current climate, I decided against it. Was that the one where you touched Greg DeHippis instead? Yes, exactly. One of her houses lost his footing and fell into the crowd.

I must say, I... It was one of the best things I've ever seen on the internet. Because you saw the sort of black tights escaping from the house as it tumbled into the crowd. The only thing that would have made it better is if there'd been someone in the mosh pit dressed as the Wicked Witch of the East and it had landed on them.

That would have been, like, my ideal night out. It brought the house down, Frank. It did. It brought the house down. Do you think it was a metaphor for the decline of house music? I thought it was a metaphor for the falling house prices. I was immediately concerned. I thought it was a metaphor for the general state of the world

and the fall from grace. Was this the same stage that there was puppets on? Was there puppets of Trump and Theresa May on the same stage? Yes, there were. Was it that bit? Yes, it was that bit. Can I say, as we were in London, there was about 20 or 30 young couples

ran over to grab that house. See if they could sneak it away. Frank Skinner on the radio. If we could just park the Brits momentarily. Oh. We can park the Brits. It's going to take me 20 minutes, like it does to park anything. We've had an email in that I think may be useful for you.

Frank and team re-Star Wars order. Yeah. I had same dilemma and did the same as you, but regretted it as the new ones spoiled the surprises in the old ones, mainly who Darth Vader is. Also, for a four-year-old, the new third one is too scary. However, to be honest, I don't really care, just in case you think I'm some sort of Star Wars obsessive.

I've just been there. Yeah. Ted's first-timer. I do care. I like the fact that he's put that in there, just in case, because I was picturing a nerdy Star Wars nerd. Yeah. And it's good for me to know that he's self-aware enough

to know that he doesn't want to be in that gang. I don't know why people don't want to be in that gang. Well, we've had another... We've had a tweet in from Samuel Bailey. I thought he was going to say Samuel Bailey. The geeks have decided correct order is 4, 5, 2, 3, 6. 4, 5, 2? Pretend episode one never happened.

This helps preserve the big plot twist at the end of episode five and makes two and three like an extended flashback sequence. The thing is, I tried to talk him into going to four yesterday, Star Wars. I said, actually, there's another star. And he said, no, no, I like this one. So now we're on the trajectory, if you know what I mean. The problem is, and this is things that really matter when you're four and three quarters,

he's got a Darth Vader T-shirt. So he's desperate for Darth Vader to appear. And I can't remember if Darth Vader appears as Darth Vader in The Phantom Menace. I think you might be wise to get him on to number four. Oh, no, I want to get him on to four, but he's committed now to stupid Phantom Menace and Jar Jar Binks. And also he's a Darth Vader fan, which is interesting. I mean, normally it's Luke Skywalker or Han Solo. It's one of the more unusual gateway drugs to Star Wars

is a Darth Vader T-shirt, but yes. Now, we were talking about the Brits, Frank. Yes. And we were on the subject of Matt Healy, who you knew as a child, it turns out. Italian footballer. Matt Healy. Matt Healy.

But he's not the only one because there is a spate of these people. I think it's only burglaries isn't it? They're coming in a spate. Cancellations as

well. Oh yes cancellations. A spate of cancellations. What about when I went out on a date with that guy years ago.

Johnny Spate. I emailed him. No a friend of my parents though. I emailed him and I said due to the recent spate of cancellations am I to assume that's it? Oh that's a Okay. I emailed him and I said, due to the recent spate of cancellations,

am I to assume that's it? Oh, that's a great... I'm so proud of it. That's a fabulous request. Anyway, the point is, there's Matt Healy. There's also another slightly daytime TV couple. Is that a fair enough thing to say? Which is Colleen Nolan and Shane Ritchie. They've got a trendy son in a trendy band.

Have they? Who's that? He's in Rickston. The name, Sarah, is Jake maybe? Someone Ritchie. Shane Junior. One of them, he was engaged to Jessie from Little Mix. No. It all links. Well, I didn't

know any of that, surprisingly. I don't know who Rickston are. Scooter Braun manages them. Is it really Rickston? Are you sure you're not getting confused with Rickstein? No, it's Rickston. Rickstein opened a restaurant in Brixton. Now it's something entirely different.

Yeah, it's all got mixed up. It's Chinese whispers. I remember Scooter, because he's Justin Bieber. Did you see Biffy Clyro's cape, Frank? Biffy Clyro's cape, Frank? Biffy Clyro's cape. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Biffy Clyro's cape. Red cape.

It was fabulous. More red cape. Yes. Yeah, but nothing wrong wearing a red cape. Did they have anything under it? That was the question. That's their Scottish... Of course.

Oh, yeah? Did they wear anything under their cape that'd be the scottish superheroes yeah the same thing so you want to wear something on the super grand actually alice funny you should say that he didn't he had a bare torso they do a lot of bare torso those guys yeah so do you wear the cape with a bare torso frank um i might nowadays now i'm slender. Off the sugar. Yes. What about, I'll tell you something now, Dermot O'Leary,

he can carry my crockery any time. If ever I'm moving house and I've got to get the crockery in, I'm going to ask him. Oh, yeah. What do you mean? Safe pair of hands. Frank Skinner on the radio. Frank, did you encounter Rag and Bone Man at the Brits?

I saw him. I wasn't familiar with Rag and Bone Man. I mean, I was as a child. There was one round every year. You weren't? Dad, leave me Aaron. I would have thought... Aaron! Aaron!

I wonder how many people watching Nobody You and Bradley Walsh would be my guess Well Bradley Walsh is really good pals with him it turns out Is that right? I think that's what he was saying to him though all the time that you see the footage

he's just doing constant impressions of Bradley Walsh he struck up a friendship with Stormzy. It's an interesting phenomenon, the Bradley Walsh top selling album of the year. Well, all I'm saying is, Walsh came back laden down with digits.

Where are yours? Did you get any numbers? Did you make any new friends? It reminds, seeing him there, Bradley Walsh, he was a very nice chap but not someone you'd expect to see at the Brits. Maybe I'm not. You went on an OAP bus pass. I know.

But I'm a former presenter. It's a bit like before the F8 Cup final. They'd take very old men with bad knees onto the pitch to wave. Now, I would like to point out you're exempt from that because you have the cloak of comedy to protect you. Oh, thank God for the cloak of comedy. Cloak of comedy means you're welcome everywhere. God, I've gathered some people onto that over the years.

But no, it reminded me. It's like the way you looked at me during that. It reminded me of seeing him there. It reminded me of when I saw former Hampshire cricket captain Mark Nicholas at a Lou Reed gig. I was absolutely astonished. And I said, hey, you're a Lou Reed gig. I was absolutely astonished. And I said, hey, you're into Lou Reed. He said, I thought I was, but I'm actually not enjoying it very much.

So I thought, you actually are incongruous, and it's not. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Well, what was that gig? You've taken Adrian Charles to some weird gigs. Me and him went to a contemporary dance thing with Tony Adams and Lee Dixon. Was that when Lee said, Tony, put the ball away?

That's it. Tony said, put the ball away. I was talking about football. I was talking to Tony Adams about football at the dinner table with other people and Lee Dixon said, hey, Addo, put the ball away, mate. It's very good. There was a

tweet in the Sun about the Bradley Walsh and it said, someone said, is Bradley Walsh Rag and Bone Man's dad? So they had a picture of that tweet

and then the caption underneath said, some joke Bradley could be the singer's dad. And this has become, this has become my new pet hate. He's showing a picture of a tweet and then having a caption or somewhere else telling you what the tweet says. Some people think, do they think, oh, I can't read that.

I'm not reading one of the pictures in there. I'll just read that. They'll tell me what it was. I'll skip that. I mean, what is the point of that? And they did it. Have a look at that article. Go online.

Look at the science coverage. Well, I think what that's about, which is very depressing, is they genuinely are under pressure to keep people on the page for as long as possible, which is what they do on the Daily Mail. Yeah, so they just fill it with rubbish, essentially. Is that why you quite often get the same article three times a different word? And that's why I say she tied her hair up

with a loose fitting ponytail her tresses falling down around her shoulders That's good, I've read that There's a tweet that said something like the highlight of the night for me was Bradley Walsh hogging a rag and boma underneath for some people

the highlight of the night was the Hogwarts. Anyway. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, what do you think? So Bradley Walsh was the best-selling debut album of last year. Yeah. Could have been worse.

It could have been Alexander Armstrong. Walking through a cornfield in an overcoat looking sombre. Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Not now. Not if you're going. Anyway, we'll just probably cut that there. It's live, right? Thank God, is it live?

Oh, God. What about Simon Cowell? Simone Cowell. Did you get plunged into darkness? OK, can we have five minutes on Simone? Firstly, the glasses. He's taken to wearing those Mrs Tiggy Winkle little specs now. Yes.

It's a whole new rebrand for him, Frank. Is it saying I'm clever? Yes. Is it? Excellent. But he's stuck with the hair through everything. He's stuck there. And it seems to be like it's getting smaller, the hair.

It's like the top of his head. The hair, it's narrowing as it goes up. There's some people that just pick a hairstyle and go, I'm done. I know, but with the spray tan. Steven Gerrard. Simon Cowell. I'm done.

I'm done. I'm a-zone and I'm done. Pick it at 20. Done. I'll tell you what he looked like. With the spray tan and the tightly clutched, he looked like a bag of gold. Tied at the top.

It was really bizarre And guess what He had a white shirt on With about three or four buttons No way Yeah that Wow Does he in the mirror go What shall I wear tonight

He's probably thinking I've started doing the glasses I've got to change everything All at once Exactly Like a rebrand Yeah exactly I'll get me

I'll get me elevator shoes on. Me boot cuts. He had a little meltdown when he was presenting, though. He got all Confucius because suddenly the lights went out and he said, I don't know what's happening.

Yes. He was a bit cross. It was a bit Russell Grant with the stage manager. Leave that. He said, I don't know what's happening. You're right. Sorry, Ken.

That's what he should have done. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. What else? You know who else I love now?

Who? I know I love Little Mix, but I don't think I'm going to follow Little Mix's. I'm not going to go out and buy the album. Bradley Walsh? Skepta. Skepta. Oh, you're a Skepta fan. Oh, no.

Again, Skepta comes on. What did you like about Skepta? I was Skeptical. Were you? I'll be honest with you. I think we've discussed being Skeptical about Skepta in previous episodes. Maybe I'm looking at him through rose-coloured

sceptacles. Goodness me. But he was, he absolutely rocked it. He was brilliant. What sort of stuff does he do? And not a very big,

well, he raps. He raps, alright. But he didn't have the big massive light show. It was basically him sort of dancing, this sort of hooded figure, like a sort of a maniacal spider moving about the stage.

It reminded me of Anthony Cher's Richard III. I don't know if you saw that. I didn't, but I've read about it. I hope you tell him that. And as a hint, just a little hint, to shaking Stevens about some of the dance moves. Oh, Frank, you can't tell him. I don't think he'll like to hear that.

No, well, I mean, you never know where you're getting your influences. You might watch them on YouTube. Exactly, yeah. There's a little bit of that, you know, that sort of delicate 1950s Teddy Boy dancing. There's a bit of that in there. Yeah, excellent. It's great.

He owns the stage. Does he? Does he? I didn't know that. It's good to have a... In this business, though, it's good to have another trade. Is that Andrew Leweather? You'd admire somebody with some investments in land, wouldn't you?

And Ed Sheeran, who I've always thought was pretty dull. Fantastic on the night. Apparently very good life. Do you know what? I'm loving this positivity for you. I know, it's really changed... Yeah. He was great. I mean, obviously, I love to see a ginger do well, as you know,

because I have a ginger child. So many deny their ginger roots. I mean, I like to think that... Or die. Yeah. I like to think that I am to the ginger community what Joanna Lomley was to the Gurkhas. I chant, but again, brilliant.

Emil Sandé. How did you find her? I always thought... It's not Hesky, isn't it Emily? Emily, yeah, I can't work it out. Why don't they do the traditional spellings? Emily Hesky. Yeah, Emily, yeah.

She... How did you find her? Great. Brilliant voice. Honestly. Did she sing... Which one did she sing? Did she sing, it hurts?

That one. You had a great night. I had a That one. You had a great night. I had a brilliant night. You had a great night. Okay, was there anything you didn't like? Performance-wise. I don't think I should say that. Okay.

It seems a bit neg. But I named the ones who I particularly loved, I must say. She said a thing, though, and I'm blaming Adele. She brought her sister up, didn't she? Yeah, she brought her sister up. And she did a bit of an Adele thing. She said, oh, I'm going to give. She brought her sister up, didn't she? Yeah, she brought her sister up. And she did a bit of an Adele thing. She said, oh, I'm going to give this award to my sister. And I don't like this trend.

Did you try and snap it? No, try and snap it. Oh, because you're worried you'll have pressure to give awards to people. No, but I mean, we've got the Oscars coming. I don't think we should encourage re-gifting when it comes to awards. You're right. You know, it's an honour. Somebody said, yeah, we want to honour this.

But start just handing them out. Also, it's going to devalue the judgement process, isn't it? If you start dishing it out when you've won it, thinking, oh, I'm not worthy. Also, if you voted, I mean, I know this is an industry vote, but some of these are people's choice. If I've spent my money on my 0898 or whatever they are, I don't want Emily Heskey giving it over to the sister.

I don't want it on her mantelpiece. And how do we fact-check this? Like, if people look up who won whatever Brit it was on Wikipedia, is it going to say, well, technically her sister won it? Well, it's going to be like every award's going to come with a logbook with a list of hours. No, no, I don't need to stop there. I don't like it.

Stop that, please. Stop that. You know what? Everything's fine. Everyone's getting on now, but they will end up in court. I mean, this is what happens. We've never had a radio campaign

for this show. I think this could be it. We should start a campaign. Yeah, keep your awards. Keep your awards to yourself. Yeah. 558, I thought Peter Crouch was great on Room 101 last night.

Oh, thanks. As a reference to the cockerel who was on Room 101 last night I was very proud of my boys that's fabulous

he's got a very good goals to game ratio though let's not overlook that just based on his gangliness lovely wife head like a 50 pence piece

me or Peter Crouch Peter Crouch you never know which angle it's going to come off but some go in some go in I met

I met a young woman at the Brits after sort of after the Brits had sort of after the Brits had ended. Yes. And she said,

I've got something you might be interested in, I want to tell you about. Her name was Holly Frank. That was her name. Oh, okay. And she, her partner, I think he was Anthony, he's called Anthony Skinner.

Wow. And you know how people give their children a hyphenated name to represent both parents in these cases? It's not Frank Skinner, the children. Well no, they said that she was in a situation where they couldn't possibly do that. That they would have done that, but

it just wasn't an option because she'd have had the mic he took out of her. It's not like Skinner Frank would put people off the scent completely. No. So what about that? So did they go with Skinner or Frank? So they went with Skinner, I believe,

which is his name. It was late, but I think that's what happened. But what a weird conundrum. What are the chances? Yeah. Yeah. And I don't like conundrum. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't like conundrums because I'm Catholic, as you know. But that did surprise me.

Anyway, in other news, I want to hear what happened. I went to Brighton for the weekend with some friends and their children. We have a sort of a... A gang. A gang. We go away with all the kids of the same age. And we went to Moshi Moshi, which is a sushi place. Very nice.

Very nice. And there's these wooden seats outside because it was cold. No one was using them. They're like big blocks of wood that people sit on. Oh, yeah, lovely and comfy, yeah. So, Boz, my... But, you know, the Japanese, they love discomfort.

Curl up, gather around the fireside on the wooden blocks. They live for discomfort, the Japanese. I love that. Yeah, I mean, they'll bind the feet, the wooden slippers. I like comfort. Comfort's so important to me as I get older. I once went to a formal Japanese tea ceremony. Oh, man, it kills you.

Oh, really? It kills the knee. You've got to sit cross-legged on the floor for that. Oh, that sounds good. I'd like that. Oh, you would like that. I can't do that with my arched back. Oh, really?

Yeah. My wife once came into an office. My wife! And I was sitting on quite a hard wooden chair Having moved a fairly comfortable armchair thing Swivel chair And she went You've just got a natural austerity about you

You have got a natural austerity That's true You'd do very well in prison I'd do very well in prison Or indeed in the In many ways I would love that I like Kevin Keegan

In the S&M community You'd think Yeah you'd love that. I like Kevin Keegan. In the S&M community. You'd think. Yeah, you'd love that. Thanks very much. Better nails. I think. So anyway.

I'd be a terrible fan. Oh! That's painful! Ow! Ow! Ow! I, so he was jumping from one of the,

well all the kids were jumping from one big wooden block to the other. And then he really got it wrong. And he landed a bit short. And his head not only hit the wood, but it bounced about a foot. I mean, it was horrible.

One of those when there's like about two seconds of utter silence where you stand in horror, he's in shock, and then the tears, and it was all. So I ran back into this uh sushi place for ice for his head because the bump came up it was like in tom and jerry the bump came up instantly so i went in and i went up to the counter and the bloke looked at me and i said have you got any rice no i don't know why I said rice because I wanted ice and he said

yes. It was the sushi place. And then I had to explain that I actually wanted rice. So we had to go out. Sorry, ice. What is it with me? This could get into the rice.

This could get into a real problem at the supermarket. Ice, ice, baby. Oh, man. So then what happened? So then, well, he was a lot of crying. It did look terrible. I mean, it was a shocking bump.

And then someone wisely realised the best way to apply the ice was from the inside. So somebody got him a Cornetto. Oh. And he calmed. Oh, really? Worth noting. The medicinal properties of the cornetto.

I think the dosage is just one. Frank Skinner on the radio. Well, I went. The Brits was not my only big night out of the week. What else happened? I went to the opening of the Girls musical. Oh, this is the Calendar Girls, isn't it? Yeah, it's the musical version.

Gary Barlow? Yes. Oh, and it's called Girls. So Tim Ferriss wrote the play and that became the movie and now Gary Barlow has got in. Apparently they knew each other as young men. Oh, really? Oh.

Easy. And then, so Gary Barlow's written the music and it's now a musical Yeah In fact Gary Barlow came on at the end and he did the encore

Did he? Which is interesting because you know obviously the cast have been working away all night Yeah yeah It's a bit like that moment

in the World Cup when Van Gogh took off the goalkeeper and brought a new goalkeeper on just for the penalty shooter. Yeah. And the face of the goalkeeper who was removed was not dissimilar from some of the cast as they were. This is the one.

Hog the limelight. The ladies, you know, they strip off, don't they? Is it that one? It's the one when they did a charity calendar for the Women's Institute. And a lot of women, sort of older women and larger ladies, I think they say, they tastefully got naked for a calendar. It's a massive news story. I remember it.

Yeah, yeah. They get their sunflowers out. 19 years ago, yes, exactly. Well, that was the interesting thing about it. Can I say in fairness to Gary Barlow, I thought it took real chutzpah to get on stage at the end and do an encore with just someone on the keyboard. And he can actually sing.

Right. Frank's all over the popular music today. I wasn't sure about... He was doing head notes for the high bits. He's going falsetto. I'm always a bit disappointed. Well, the chest head transition is a hard one. Yes, exactly. But it was all like that.

But he was fine. I'm a baller. He's no scepter. No, let's put it that way. Stormzy's my particular favourite. But anyway, the idea is that you're supposed to think these women, you know, and I met

some of the original calendar girls who'd done it after, and I think the idea is that you think, well, it's really brave of these women to expose what is not the normal sort of bodies you see on those calendars.

And so when they started taking their clouds off, there was a lot of, oh, and I think I heard, I might have missed, I think I heard a go girl. Oh. Which I haven't heard for a long time. I haven't heard a go girl for a long time. But it's a different, it's a completely different experience for a 60-year-old man, I've discovered.

Why? Because people are going, oh. Where is your thinking? I'm thinking, ooh, baby. Oh. No, but it was true. I mean, these are my catchment area now. Exactly.

These are your people. Yeah. Casting bracket, as it were. Yeah, so Michelle Detrice, you know. She was some others do have them. Yeah. Thanks for the tip. Well, she's still gotrice, you know. She was some mothers do have them. Yeah. Thanks for the tip. Well, she's still got them, I can announce.

Yeah, but it's weird that, because I thought, I think they're quite hot, these women, and I think you're supposed to think, you know. Yeah. Well, I don't like it, but God bless them is what you're supposed to think. So you went to think.

Yeah. It's interesting in that respect Well good for you It'd be interesting in a month when the show's running and the entire audience population is blokes your age Would you recommend it? Do you think they'd be that upset if they were paying full price? Would you recommend it to us?

You know what it was a real good I think what people like as far as I can tell, they love a warm-hearted but sort of bittersweet story of northern working-class life that involves unlikely people taking their clothes off. Right. You'll recall the Full Monty, yeah, and now this. Yeah.

Oh, yes. I think that's... People have found that now the industry has closed down in the north, it's been replaced by nudity. It's Northern Commando is what we want. But it was lovely, actually. And, yes, I enjoyed it. What about that?

Okay. It was very Yorkshire. You have a packed diary, don't you? No. It's one night, calendar girls the next. But, you know, it's a bit catch it while you can when you get to. Blimey. Also, now I've got the bus pass, I'm out and around everywhere.

I'm basically parapathetic. I mean, I'm getting my money's worth. I've got about 10 million quid's worth of tax to catch up on. Have you got an apple in your mouth again? I have. I'm taken on the role of sockling pig on this show. We've had a text from Ian Angel who has said, are you saying you would date the Calendar Girls?

Good. Let's see what he's done. Little pun there. Happy with that. I just thought I'd give you some apple munching time. Thank you. I approve the idea. Give the pig a few more minutes.

I have an email from earlier that I'll try and find if you're interested. It's okay. Oh, okay. Fair enough. I think I'm through it. The pig has been suckled. I apologise. Put it back in the sack.

So someone's also sent us an image. I can put it back in the sack. Someone's also sent us an image. It's a small video, only about seven seconds long. Oh, yeah. Charlotte. Is it Snapchat? No, it's not. What's happened to you?

You're so current this week. I know. Skepta, Stormzy, Snapchat. I never mention Stormzy. You mention Stormzy. Just add a Z on and you're fine these days everyone's got a Z in that world

the hip hop world so you could have had if you could have listed you could have said Stormzy Bastille oh very good and then French people

would have done it all over again Stormzy Bastille ok what we waiting for it's a shame the Brits didn't spot the potential for that I know Stormzy Bastille. OK. What we waiting for? It's a shame the Brits didn't spot the potential for that. I know.

What they're doing. Stormzy Bastille. I mean, that would have been some quality work. They don't have the cloak. I'm surprised. No one's got the comedy cloak. I think a few of them wore a cloak, but not the comedy cloak. You'd have seen Dermot or Em.

See, if Dermot or Em read it on that joke. Dermot. Yeah. You mean Dermot. Hang on. And I was wrong with air con, was I? Isn't it Dermot? Dermot or M. See, if Dermot or M read it on that joke... Dermot? Yeah. You mean Dermot? Hang on, and I was wrong with air con, was I? Isn't it Dermot? Dermot. I've never heard it pronounced quite like that.

Dermot smells of bergamot to me. I think I'd say Dermot, O'Leary. I don't think I'd say Dermot. I'd say Dermot. I would always say Dermot. Stop laughing! Stop laughing at me! They all laughed at Christopher Columbus when he said Dermot, O'Leary. Poor laughing at me. They all laughed at Christopher Columbus

when he said Dermot over there. Poor Dermot. Well, we're all Dermot fans here. But if he'd have done that joke, if he'd have said, oh, what about Stormzy Bastia? The response would have been... I know.

That's what happens at the Brits. I know. It's like throwing comedy into a furnace. Yeah. Anyways. Oh, yeah. I was just telling you about Charlotte. Yeah. Before you talked about Dermot,

who had sent in a seven-second video saying, we got your back, Frank, keeping the streets clean. And it's an image of her boot wiping your star on the Birmingham Walk of Fame. What, with dog excrement? No. No, she's just sort of, like like caressing it with her leather boot. Oh.

Sounds all right. Yeah. Does that make you happy? Do you ever think of that, Walker fame star? I don't think of it, no. Although, hey, I'd love it to be all V. No, it was irony. Sickening.

No, I don't think of it, but I like the fact... Someone told me that they arranged to meet at it, which I really... That's nice. I like being used as a meeting point. Oh, that would be good. That would be excellent. So I...

Oh, hold on, the Fez has arrived. Oh. I'll tell you this, shall I? Yeah, go on. Oh, no, it's put me off now. Oh, don't leave them on spielkers no it's a tease something tea so i'll tell you something that happened to me i did a photo i did a photo shoot yesterday this is gossip oh excellent this is as close because we're so close to going off air

i think i'll try and bridge the two this is like the makeup room gossip. Yeah, I did a photo shoot and it didn't take long. We're just getting... Who is it for? For Absolute Radio. Oh! Oh, nice. And our new signing, the Paul Pogba

of Absolute Radio. Yeah. Dave Barry was him and it didn't arrive but before he arrived his two publicists arrived. Wow. Two!

I'm saying two publicists. Now, the publicity for this show is basically me saying, I listened to it last week and it was absolutely hilarious. I'm going to have to have a word with someone. Where's my banner waving? You're a self-publicist, aren't you? I know, but it's degrading. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We haven't been to the email corner for a wee while. Do you think we should... I can't tell you how that's done. Take a wonder. Sashay, Al? Yeah, we should sashay. Instead of playing the normal jingle, I'm going to treat myself.

Good morning, Tokyo. Good morning, Tokyo. Come on, everybody at home. Happy to be seeing you. Happy to be seeing you. Really cheers me up, you know. Really cheers me up. There know. Really cheers me up. You can't, there's no discomfort in it.

You'd never know. No. You'd never know they were sitting on the floor, wooden floor. Ow! I have an email here. Hi, Frank Cockrell and the delectable Miss M. Regular podcast reader here.

I thoroughly enjoyed your convo about Bloomingdale's. This is going a while back, but that's the joy of the podcast, isn't it? People listen when they listen. Yeah. Thoroughly enjoyed it. Do you remember Bloomingdale's? It was the grumpy bookshop. Oh, yes.

We discussed. No, I thought it was... Wasn't it a flower shop in Yorkshire? It was the grumpy bookseller that charged people to go around his shop. So it should have been a flower shop in Yorkshire, Bloomingdale's. Yeah, but he was... It was the grumpy bookseller that charged people to go around his shop. So it should have been at the flower shop in Yorkshire, Bloomingdale's. Yeah, but he was called Blooming... Yeah, but don't you like Frank's genuine anger that no-one's taken advantage of this pun?

I've never heard the anger, but it should have been. Yes, exactly. A wasted pun opportunity. Again, Stormzy Bastille's wasted. They'll keep him up all night, that. Anyway, he continues. I wanted to tell you that... What are people doing?

That's a good question. What's going on? That's 8.12.15. What are you doing? That's what Simon Cowell asked when he came out onto the stage. That'd be a good text, wouldn't it? What are you doing?

Okay. I thoroughly enjoyed your convo. Can I just say, I love the abbreviation of conversation. It's safe. There's loads of time. I do. Enjoyed your convo about Bloomingdale's and wanted to tell you that there used to be a tiny shop

under the arches in the east end of Glasgow which sold refrigerators called Cell Fridges. Good. It's something that always makes me smile when I think of it. All praise redacted. I've seen pictures of that on the internet. I feel a bit mixed about this,

because surely if they're trying to attract customers to buy fridges, the last thing they want to put outside their shop is sell fridges. Yeah. It should be called buy fridges. Yeah. Or we sell fridges. If it had a tiny we next to it, I would feel okay. But we buy any car.

Do they sell cars? They do, but... Well, then... Oh, yeah. I believe their business model is they buy cars and then they sell them under a different car showroom. Oh, they don't. That sounds a bit dodgy.

Is there a branch called We Sell Any Car? I think it's called something like... It's not such a good angle. Is it We Sell Any Car? No. You're right Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio did I ever tell you

I went to a car auction once did you you know they bring them into the arena that's where I bought my first car do they bring them in

like at the pig at the Hereford pig auction yes I've been there some of them get pushed in which if you're buying them, you're taking a risk.

Yeah. But my favourite one was, one of them was reversed in and the bloke said, it's a beautiful car, this. But at the moment, so at the moment, it'll only reverse.

Brilliant. Do they, can I ask a question? When they bring them into what I'm imagining some sort of sawdust pit, do they have the Eden Hazard lights on? The doors open.

Yes. I'm not sure that the hazard light was commonplace when I bought my first car. Oh, I see. What was your first car, Frank? It was a 1967 Vauxhall Viva. Beautiful. Respect. Frank, we've had another shop-based missive from Ashley

who sent us a photograph of a shop. It says, now these are Frank's kind of opening times. Hashtag oppressive 12ths. The shop, it's just got the shop window and it says Monday to Tree Dog. Oh no, now it's disappeared from the screen. Monday to Tree Dog, 9.43 to 5.08. Is this in a foreign language?

Yeah, we'll have to work out what it is. Torsdag, 9.43 to 6.04. Scandinavian. Yeah, definitely. And then Lardog, 9.56 to 4.04. Excellent. Someone else is avoiding the oppressive twelves. Good for them.

In some sort of, I'm going to go, I don't know, some sort of Scandinavian country one would imagine. Yes. I tell you what they love, they love a line across the O's. They do, don't they?

Oh. They love that. Whereas I love a house across the buttocks. We're all different. We're all different. That's what makes the world go round,

ladies and gentlemen. Hold on, I've got signs corresponding. It isn't what makes the world go round, apparently. gentlemen. Hold on. Signs correspond. It isn't what makes the world go round, apparently. But we won't go into that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Email the show on twitter at frank on the radio email the show via the absolute radio website we were told who's who was the uh sender of the email oh um the um what's it's they're not named i'm afraid they've not uh identified they just say all praise redacted they didn't they don't put the names on the production staff No

Anyway thanks This idea of having a shop I think this is something that Dave Gorman when he was on used to have people send in loads of funny shop names I don't want to trade on his comedy territory But I had an idea

for a greengrocer You know I occasionally have a business idea Yeah territory. But I had an idea for a greengrocer's. You know I occasionally have a business idea. Yeah. And you suddenly thought in 2017 the greengrocer's. Yeah, but you know, fruit, it's just been announced this week that if you have ten a day instead of five, you'll probably live forever. Double bubble. Is that what you're

thinking for your greengrocer's? Yeah. So I was thinking of calling my greengrocer's the Apple store. Oh. Oh. Oh, I see. What would your logo be? An actual apple? I think an apple, but complete.

Oh. Not with a bite out of it. I've always been concerned that the apple are robbing our noses in it a bit. What do you mean? Because their symbol is an apple with a bite out of it, which symbolises man's fall from grace you know when Adam and Eve

bit the apple so I think that you know they are in many ways you know threatening civilisation with destruction by you know I think we can say the mobile phone is for all its pluses has basically destroyed at least one generation.

Yeah. And I think. Yeah. And I think this not only they doing it, but they're saying, yeah, we like the serpent. We're tempting you. And we're going to we're going to actually have the gall to have a symbol. That's an apple with a bite out of it just to say

yeah we know what you're going to do about it eh? Yeah. So I'm thinking I might go for the complete apple and I don't think they could sue

because I think the complete apple inevitably predates the apple with a bite out of it. Yeah. So in court the chronology I, is indisputable. I'd have a hard time arguing that. You're a witness.

So that's what I'm going to go for. Frank, do you remember I was mentioning earlier the oppressive twelfth, anti-oppressive twelfth shop? Oh, yeah. David Clifford has messaged us to say that shop sign is in Danish. I think one of the production team have retweeted it. OK.

I think the shop's production team have retweeted it. OK. I think the shop's name translates as Never Angry, which is Aldred Sir. So it's a long way from Bloomingdale's bookshop, not just geographically, but certainly spiritually. If you remember, the owner of that shop used to shout at people for not buying books, which is not a bad thing. Yeah.

Anyway, I also thought that if I was William Hill, you know, the bookmakers, I'd call the shop Bill Hill. Bill Hill? What, just to save time? No, I like the rhyme. Oh. Whereas William Hill, it's a bit of a mouthful. I thought you meant just so that people could get on with stuff.

Yeah, Bill Hill. I'm just nipping into Bill Hill. Another opportunity missed. What is that then? That's Stormzy Bastille. What was the other one? Yeah. Yes, Stormzy Bastille.

We can't keep track of them. People, come on. Oh, I learnt a very interesting fact this week. We'll be the judge of that. Well, I think I'm confident you'll find it interesting. All right. I was speaking some of the management d'Absolute. Extraordinary.

And some of the senior figures at Absolute. And they were telling me a few stats. Oh, they're peas, were they? What were the stats? Was this at the Brits? No, it was at my photo shoot. My photo shoot? Well, actually...

Actually, it was at a Beres photo shoot, but I was allowed to nip in for a bit. With the two publicists? Yes. Did you have any publicists there? No, I had... Oh, that's a shame. Julian was there.

He works for my management company. He's lovely. He is. I was happy. I don't need publicists everywhere I go. I am my own, as you say. Nevertheless. So go on.

What did a management absolute have to say? So they were talking about some absolute stats. Oh, yeah. My favourite one was, of all the people on air at Absolute, so I'm including not just presenters, but people who read the weather and the news. The weather girls, yeah.

All that. Not necessarily girls. Come on. Who's the fun on the band? Who would you say was the most Googled of all of them? The most Googled? The most Googled name. Of all of the staff?

Not the staff, but the people who were on air. Frank Skinner. It's a great guess, but you're not right. That's amazing. The OC? Not the OC. One more guess. Alan, your guess.

Emily Dean. Correct. No. One more guess. Alan, your guess. Emily Dean. Correct. No. Yes. No. Yes, the most Googled presenter. I am so happy about that. I had Alan Cochran's top five.

Is he? Yeah. But Emily Dean is the most Googled presenter. Can I have an award with that on it? Most Google-able. Why not? I'm the most Google-able. Yeah, have an award with that on it? Most Googlable. Why not? I'm the most Googlable. Yeah, I've always thought you were Googlable,

but I think we know each other too well now. Can I put that in my Twitter bio? I mean, I'm never going to win an award. I'll get most Googled presenter of Absolute Radio. Yeah, I think that's good. It's true. It's accurate. It's from the horse's mouth.

Well, thank you for passing that on. That's made my day. I have it it's from the horse's mouth well thank you for passing that on that's made my day yes good has it destroyed Alan's I'm not sure no he's top five

what about me I'm not I'm not even in the top five I don't believe that for a second it's true you know why you know why that is

they all they all know who needs to google me they all know what kind of a chump needs to Google me? I was going to say... Like 12.15. Oh, an odd thing happened at the after show.

On the way to the forum? No, it was actually on the way back. It was the after show of Girls the Musical. A woman came up to me and said, what size foot are you? And I said, I'll be honest with that. You'd think it's a strange question to be asked. But my first thought was, well, this might be a free shoes thing. It was set in Yorkshire.

I thought it could be hospitality clogs. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'd wear clogs. Please don't. Please never wear clogs. I said, I think now I'm hovering somewhere between a nine and a ten, depends on the make.

And she said, okay. My friend asked if I would ask you, and then she went away. Oh. Left it at that. That's not the end of the story you were up in for. Do you know what they used to say to you? What?

Big feet, big sock. I think that's what they used to say. Frank Skinner on the radio. I think that's what they use. Now, can we talk, because we haven't discussed him yet, and I've been desperate to raise him all morning, about Wayne Shaw, Roly Poly Goly. Oh, yes. Sutton Keeper.

Well, the reserve keeper, is he? He is the reserve keeper, yes. But yes, he has been dubbed Roly Poly Goly. Roly Poly Goly. 23 stone. Veryly. 23 stone. Very satisfying. 23 stone. He got the sack for eating a pie during the game. Yes.

It was the 83rd minute. I know all the facts on this story because I've been somewhat obsessed by it. I love it. I love everything about it. Because you know what it features? Should we explain? The reason he got in trouble, in case anyone doesn't know,

is because the sun had run odds or something, hadn't they? Sunbet. Yeah, Sunbet. Sunbet, which is their online gambling thing. I think we're sponsors on United. Yeah, they offered 8-1 on him eating a pie. Yes, on camera. Yeah, on camera, which miraculously he did.

Yes. He has his defence, he then got sacked, his defence was he's still sticking to his story that he said, I just fancied a pie. He said, I didn't have anything in the tank, so I went to caterers and they offered me a burger. I actually wanted a

sausage roll. Well, actually I, the interview I read with him, he said it was a pasty. He did actually, you're right, yeah. Now I'm thinking if I read with him, he said it was a pasty. He did, actually. You're right, yeah. Now, I'm thinking if I was Son Bet, I'm not sure I'd pay out on a pasty. Is a pasty a pie? Oh, this is a very good point, yeah. This is like the Jaffa Cakes, are they biscuits or cakes debate, isn't it?

Well, yeah, but they are officially cakes. Yes. He did, the reason I liked it is, you know I love a theatrical picture and he posed for the sun obviously with a plate piled high with pies. Yes.

And he was mid-eat. And he was wearing a blue dress shirt and a tracksuit pant. Excellent. Because he has to have, I have given up bottoms. Oh, yeah. That's the original...

They're not going to see. That's the original smart casual, isn't it? A dress shirt and tracky bottoms. You know, when the zips are a bit exposed on the tracksuit pant as well. But is he... I mean, is he that... I'm going to use the F word.

Is he fat? Because he's tall. He's 23, so... How tall is he fat? Because he's tall. He's 23 stone. But how tall is he? He's a big one. Well, he could be Peter Crouch's height and he's still overweight if he's 23 stone. Is he okay?

I don't know. I don't know what made him away. I mean, I like this story because... Well, I tell you what, there's about three of you in him. I mean, you're so skinny, Skinner. Skinny. Thanks, Skinny.

I'm 11 stone, right? Right. I'm Spartacus. And I noticed you weren't going to say I'm 11 stone. I'm 11 stone. I'd end my life if I ever said that. I'm 13 stone. Are we doing this?

We're all doing it? Yeah, come on. I'll do it. You don't have to do it. 8 stone, 9. Okay. Mazeltov. Thatv That's alright isn't it I met Tom Kerridge

And he said to me he'd lost 11 stone And I felt slightly bereaved Because I thought well that's Basically me That's another person 11 stone and he's a nice bloke Tom Kerridge

So I felt I should mourn the passing Of that large section That's another person, 11 Stone. And he's a nice bloke, Tom Kerridge. So I felt I should mourn the passing of that large section of nice bloke that has gone forever. He might have been less nice when he was bigger. He could have been losing it and he might have been a nicer bloke. But even some of the niceness that's remained must have been in that 11 Stone that's gone. Do you think? Honestly, that's remained must have been in that 11 stone that's gone. Do you think? Honestly, I...

That's like me disappearing. I don't know who got onto this. Tom Kerry? Oh, we got onto it because of Sutton Keeper Wayne Shaw. Yes, we'll come back to Wayne in a minute. Yeah. He's the gif that keeps on giving.

Frank Skinner on the radio. So this Wayne Shaw, I mean, he's divided opinion, old Shawry. Yes. Because Gary Lineker was on his side. He said, so Wayne Shaw, he tweeted, I should say, who slept on a sofa three nights a week at Sutton

to maintain and run the place, loses his job over hashtag pie gate. Yeah. And then he said FFS which is a code for spelling fans Free Frank Skinner I think he got mixed up, he thought I'd been

arrested. You were in jail at that point Meanwhile. I tell you what I wouldn't want to buy that sofa though, second hand No Not in the market for a second hand sofa Not one that's been slept on by a 24-star man night after night. I mean, it's going to be... Meanwhile...

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to look down on my insurer, unless, of course, I'm on a seesaw with him. Yeah. Stan Collimore took the view, starts with pie, ends up with foreign syndicate offering poorly paid players money for cards. Oh, is this one of those, my first is in fish but not in sea? Frank, he's got a bit 3-2-1 clue. Yes, that is a elaborate riddle.

OK, starts with pie. Yeah, OK. Now, which do you agree with? With whom do you agree? Well, I mean, I think the argument is that because Sonbet, I don't really want to plug, but hey, they're at the part of the story. Because they said eight to one

if he eats a pie on camera, then obviously they left the door open, probably both doors in White's case. The fridge door. Needs a padlock on that. For him to eat a pie on camera and make some money out of it. But there's several complications here.

First of all, it was a five quid bet. That was the cap. So the most you could have won was 40 quid. Right. They can probably afford that. They've got, you know, everyone is now saying the name of that betting company. So it's probably just seen as a publicity write-off.

This is a bloke who's really been married to the club. And I'd have thought I thought it was more unjust than Claudio Ranieri getting sacked, to be honest. But, you know... The big football news stories in the same week.

Well, you know, if Claudio was at the Albion, I'd love him forever, but I wouldn't love him enough to watch him take us to relegation. So not forever? No, no, I'd still love him after he'd gone. But you know what, when they marched off the World War I, apparently the women used to say, we don't want to lose you, but we think you ought to go.

And I think it was a bit like that. You say that, Frank, but there's one thing that's put me off Wayne Shaw. Roly-poly-goly, which is one of his quotes was, I just wanted to have a bit of fun with the supporters who pay their money and like to see a character like me. He also used the word banter a lot. It was just a bit of banter. No, but come on.

He's a self-styled, colourful character. This is the FA Cup now. Now, the FA Cup, which used to be a glorious competition, all the big teams played their reserves. I mean, it's been completely devout. All it's got left is a sort of

Ripley's believe it or not sort of element to it. So it's all about wacky stories from the lower leagues. So he's doing exactly what the FA Cup needs. We need more people

eating pies on the bench. I love Ripley's believe it or not. I bet. One of my favourite attractions, the Derringer from John Wilkes Booth, the best thing I've ever seen. Then I just hear my stomach rumble,

all this chat of pie, and now I'm like, oh, I'm pretty hungry, actually. I bet wine's pretty Ripley. Yeah. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I have mixed feelings about this pie gate story, although I must admit, I think when Watergate

happened, I don't think any of us realised that forever things would be something gates. Pie gate, it just hasn't got the same sense of gravitas has it? But anyway, I I like, I enjoy the gate suffix. I do. I do think gambling is somewhat overtaken sport

and to a certain extent spoiled it. I don't like the fact that it's always advertised during football matches and stuff. But I also like this story because it does return to an era when body shaming was kind of a fun part of sport. Fat goalkeepers was a thing. It's changed. And why is it

why is it okay for people to say beanpole footballer Peter Crouch when he had no control over the fact that he would end up that tall

that's because that says look alike but you're not allowed to say yeah now that people are saying you look like Peter Crouch I don't know why

you've started to be aligned you've turned into a Crouch apologist in the same way that a fank will be a Graham Norton and Stephen Tomkinson apologist.

And I'm a Gloria Estefan, Jackie Stallone apologist. Thank you. His goals per game ratio is up there. And my partner apologises for Dr Miriam Stoddard. Who she always says she will become in later life. And the late Michael Jackson who you once told us she looked like. Yes, indeed.

Date four. The late Michael Jackson. What's wrong with saying roly-poly-goly? I mean, it's fun for a start to say it, but why can't we say that about people? Well, everyone's saying it about him. Yeah, now it's like a fad for a week, but then we'll go back to having to tip-toe around these people. What, are you angry that we're not consistent enough

with the abuse? Yes. Is that what you're complaining about? I'm mourning body shaming. That's what I'm doing. Look, you know, we stopped. We stopped doing those jokes. Yeah. Within six months, national obesity crisis. Yes.

You do the math. Exactly. Speaking of the math, I don't know what you ate exactly, but a pock-ass steak and kidney pie, 513 calories in one go. You know all the calories now. Oh yeah, I know the calories now. I must get one, I'm not sure if it fits my macros. That's about 25% of a man's daily intake, one pie.

What? So one for breakfast, one for lunch. Dinner and supper. What's a pucker pie? Is that Jamie Oliver? No, it's a brand, but I don't think it's anything to do with him. I found the gambling commission's interference in this po-faced, sadly. What did they say? Well, they seemed to suggest that this might tarnish gambling's reputation.

Otherwise, previously spotless. Exactly, yeah. Who'd ever think such a thing? Yeah, they said, the guy from the commission said, integrity in sport is not a joke. No, you're right. There's two things about that. One, it's close.

Yeah. And secondly, they're not in sport. The gambling people. No, they're, they're, they're clinging to sport as,

um, as extra might, extra might cling to the back of a sheep. But they're not in sport. I'm just saying it's ruined a lot of lives. Gambling.

Right, yeah. I'm not saying that pies haven't, but I think that gambling... And those pop-up boxes, when people are trying to google me the old Bill Hill boxes pop up what I'd like to know is this

if for all this thing about it was an outrage and a fix if he hadn't have eaten the pie I'm guessing that some bet would have kept all those five pound bets that people had bought they wouldn't have given them back and said no I think this is a very fair bet I'm guessing that some bet would have kept all those £5 bets that people had bought. Oh, yeah. They wouldn't have given them back and said,

no, this is a very fair bet. If he'd got a salad out, would they have just given nothing? It's all about pie. I'd have said if he got a salad out, the odds would have been considerably higher. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Georgian Bexley is's Toasted is a regular. Can Wayne Shaw now be the resident of the fat chair?

You know, you talk about the chairs. Yeah, the chairs. I think he could. I think he could have that. We were talking off-air about the chair that Stan Colley mows in, but I think we can... I don't think we're allowed to say. Not so much a chair as a Ford estate.

Yeah, it's always been my view that certain celebrities are in the something chair. They represent something, yeah. So who would be in the drinker's chair at the moment, for example, would you say? Oh, that's a good one. We need to have a think about that. What did you say, Sarah? Sarah said something. I said Danny Dyer. Danny Dyer. Is he a you say? Oh, that's a good one. We need to have a think about that. What did you say, Sarah? Sarah said something. I said Danny Dyer.

Danny Dyer. Is he a drinker? Oh, yeah. Oh, OK. I think he's more in the texter's chair. Yeah, I think he might be. Maybe we shouldn't do the cheers. No.

You're right. But Wayne, you know, I suppose, I mean, Wayne seems very light-hearted about his weight. He does. Although I understand that he was sacked from the club before when somebody was ribbing him, which is not easy. No, I imagine. You have to dig deep. Was ribbing him about his weight

and he stepped onto the terraces and head-butted the man. Is that right? Maybe I should have said this before we started talking about it. Yeah, yeah. I don't think I've made fun of him. Just by way of a warning. I bet he likes a master pan. Oh, the, oh, yes.

One of those pans you like, Frank. Oh, yeah. The Tom Daley pan. Amazing. Amazing. They were great. Didn't you get sent one? I did.

Wow. Do you use it ever? I have used it, yeah. I use it, obviously, for healthier stuff now. A little bit of halloumi in there. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake.

What about, are you aware of the work of William Fatty Folk? No. I don't think I am. Fatty Folk was a footballer in the turn of the work of William Fatty Folk. I don't think I am. Fatty Folk was a footballer in the turn of the century. I mean, not this last turn, in the 1890s. I love an old school footballer.

Wow. He played for Sheffield... He played for Chelsea, actually, amongst other offers. And he was... I think he was... But see, he was 24 stone. Only a stone heavier than wine.

He was known as Fatty Folk by everyone. Wow. Even by Fatty Folk. Yeah, yeah. Fatty Folk, like Will.i.am. Exactly. You know he's a big lad when he's been pluralised. He's Fatty Folk.

Ten men in there. They say that in, I think it was in 1894 that Sheffield United fans chanted who ate all the pies tropical material

no but you think that's a new invention who ate all the pies they've been doing it back in the day

this stuff's going to go really well on absolute radio 90s 1890s what I love about Fat,

can I tell you one more Fatty Foe? Oh, you can tell us so many. When he played for Chelsea, he was so fat by that stage. They had two boys. One used to stand on the side of the post to go and get the ball. They lost so much time with him having to go and get the ball

and come back again. And that was how ball boys began, apparently. Is that right? It was a fatty coat. Ball boys at football were invented to aid a chronically obese goalkeeper who couldn't go and get the ball. Which does show, again,

doesn't it, that every clown has a similar motivation. Fatty wants it. Fatty wants the ball. In the days when you could call someone fatty like that and he embraced it. I love the note of regret in your voice. Great days. Well.

Someone's given us brunch predictions. We're all gone chillin'. Brunch predictions, Simon says. Frank, full English. Alan, special of the day. And Miss M, halloumi salad, hold the carbs. You couldn't be more wrong. Yeah.

I should probably be dipping my rice cakes in guacamole before I go to West Brom, Bournemouth. Yeah. Oh, if only my bus pass would go that far. Anyway, thank you so much for listening to this.

Oh, bring on the feathers. Hear the Frank Skinner show as it happens, Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on 105.8 FM in London and the South East.