The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Bagel on a Lanyard

Episode Date: December 9, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. It's the 30th anniversary of Frank's first ever stand up show and it's also the week the Queen had a same dress nightmare. Plus the team are joined by Ross Noble.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. It's gloomy in the studio today. Is there a light switch or something? It's definitely darker. They didn't pay the bills at Absolute. What's going on?

For the reader that's unaware, it's a very adjustable light set-up that we'll probably do during the next song or some adverts. It's definitely darker. The annoying thing is the producers say,

no, it's the same as ever and it really, really isn't. It's kind of a seduction lighting setting is what I would say. I just wish people would do their job. OK, so...

I hate to play devil's advocate on Daisy's behalf, but I think there is also... Well, our darkest how is no longer with us. I think there's a gap. So that chair is available. Great darkest how reference, by the way. What do you... I think the light outside is also a variable,

so that could be either less or more bright, couldn't it? I don't think that makes any difference in an electrically lit room. Oh, okay. I love this light chat. Yeah, on radio. It's like light entertainment. Oh, very good. I'll tell you what I did this morning. I've never done this before in my life.

It's that I put on spray on deodorant. Congratulations. I'm not a big fan of the spray-on, but I did it. And I misjudged where the hole was in the upper... Chamber. The upper bottom.

You know the upper bottom that you fire... You've got to put it in your own hand, is that what you're telling me? No, so I just fired it straight into my face. Oh, no. I've never done that before in all my 60 years. Did it settle? At first, I thought I'd blinded myself. It was quite a startling thing to do.

Imagine an A&E. They wouldn't believe it. No, they wouldn't. But your eyes smell great on the upside. Yeah, well, I'm just saying, if anything smells bad today, don't automatically think, I bet that's Frank's face, because it isn't. Yes, so that was that.

And we went out, we had a works outing last night. We did. That was great. Went to the theatre. I was in a photograph with you at the end when somebody came up and asked if your friend was a boxer. Yeah, I think they thought you were Conor McGregor. Did they?

It's a leap, I think. Where was your faux fur? I'll take it. Because they came up to me. They came up to me and said, can I ask you a question, Frank? There was three women and I thought I was going to be Thane of Cawdor. Oh, lovely.

But no. She said, this guy here, pointing at Alan, she said, is he a famous boxer? We've been arguing about it. Strange argument. And I thought, well, don't come to me as some sort of arbiter. I'm a celebrity in my own right. Bring me.

So you took a photo for us. For goodness sake. So what did you say? sort of arbiter. I'm a celebrity in my own right. Bring me. People say, well, you took a photo for us. For goodness sake. So what did you say? I said, yes. You know, I said, I actually said, he's the popular comedian, Alan Cochran.

And did they say okay? They had the photo, and as they left, this woman said, I'm going to look you up when I get home. I felt like my showbiz career is kind of at the other end of entertainment from pugilism, but no, apparently not.

I've heard lots of stand-up comedians compare themselves to boxers. I'd be out there tonight and you'd think, yeah, right. That's right. See which is easier. So I sit in front, through the gloom I can just about see a happy anniversary card

that I've been bought today it's a bit of a pea super in here it is as James Stewart says in the Glenn Miller story he plays Glenn Miller Glenn Miller you may know when we're down in the plane crash.

Spoiler alert, he didn't make it. And there's a bit where he gets into the plane and James Stewart says, that's a little soupy, ain't it? And it is like that today. But again, even though I'm talking about it more than I want to, my team are doing nothing.

Yeah. It's the last show before Christmas next week, the last live show, and I think it's fair to say there is a note of end of term in the air. Nevertheless. So anyway, the anniversary is, it has been, it is 30 years today since I did my first ever comedy gig. So that's it. I've been a comedian for 30 years today since I did my first ever comedy gig. So that's it. I've been a comedian for 30 years.

Congratulations. Well done. Come on. That's well done. Come on. He liked himself. Yeah, why not? Yeah, you've done all right for yourself.

Come on, 12 years a slave, got a lot applauded. I think 30 years a comedian. Right up there. I can even remember one of the routines I did on that first thing. Can I give you one example? Is it broadcastable? Come on then. This bit is.

One of the jokes was 30 years ago today at the Portland Club, Portland Road, Edgebaston, Birmingham, the home of the Birmingham Anglers Association. I think it's been knocked down now. That's how bad the gig was. But I did a gig about the difference between... I did a joke about the difference between middle-class sneezing and working-class sneezing.

This is at a time when class was still openly spoken about with clear borderlines. Yeah. And I talked about when I met my first middle-class person. This seems incredible now, but this is where I was at. And they did one of those sneezes, which I refer to as middle-class sneeze. I'll go back to being me.

So this bloke says, stop go back to being so this bloke says, stop talking, he's a nice bloke and that, and suddenly he goes and I thought has he just swallowed a chaffinch? Absolute Absolute Radio

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Alison Green from Hoggaston in Bucks has texted saying she used to work in A&E and we would believe Frank about spraying deodorant in his face. And she then goes on to tell a story about a gentleman having an accident that I don't think I can repeat on air. Yes.

If you ever speak to anyone who worked in A&E, and I've chatted to the odd triage in my time. All of them. All three. And it's the only people that go into, I've put vacuum cleaners in various

places. Yeah, that sort of stuff. I'm sure I've been in with standard injuries. I once took my partner into Truro Yeah, that sort of stuff. So nobody goes in with... I'm sure I've been in with standard injuries. Mm-hm. Yeah. I once took my partner into Truro A&E at three o'clock on a Sunday morning. And she had broken a toe running barefoot across a lawn. We were on a yoga retreat in Cornwall. She ran barefoot across a lawn

at midnight and accidentally kicked an upturned cauldron I enjoyed telling them about that at the counter anyway we've had someone text us in as well who saw an early gig of yours but there's a lot of praise involved

just saying congratulations it's just nice I thought I'd mention early gig of yours but there's a lot of praise involved. Really? It's an early gig? Okay. Just saying congratulations. It's just nice. I thought I'd mention it. It's from 532. No, that's lovely. Congratulations on your 30 years. I first saw you in the early 90s and then says something very nice about you being the only person that's made me laugh so hard and then he feared for his health

but it was at the Theatre Royal Nottingham. I've killed eight apparently. My manager tells me. Eight people over the years. Do you remember that Ge at the Theatre Royal Nottingham. I've killed eight, apparently. My manager tells me. Eight people over the years. Do you remember that gig, Frank? Theatre Royal Nottingham, early 90s? Oh, yeah. OK.

Now, I think that might have been supported by Al Murray, I think. Oh, right. Lovely. Was he the pub... I don't know if he was... He wasn't the pub landlord then. He did... Was he... Did he have the blazer? he was. He wasn't the pub landlord then. He did... Was he...

Did he have the blazer? Military noises. No, pretty blazer. Okay. Yeah, he did noises of all sorts. Very good. My favourite was always car boot opens and closes. Oh, nice.

So, speaking of performance, I warned you about this. I gave my cockney this week. Oh! How did it go, the cockney? Yeah, so I did two days of solid cockney. I hope they don't cut that too tight in the edit. And, Eddie, it went pretty well, I think.

Good. Do you know when you're doing a bad Cockney accent? I think you hear the odd. Yes, it goes a bit, doesn't it? I remember struggling with a phrase I hadn't heard for many years, which is a phrase I sort of enjoyed saying again, which is all mouth and no trousers. Excellent.

which is All Mouth and No Trousers. Excellent. Which could be a very accurate review of so many videos I've watched over the years. But saying it with Cockney, it's got a lot of different vowel sounds and All Mouth and No Trousers. Yeah. It was a bit...

I wasn't sure I ever really pulled it off. I very much enjoyed I Damn Bird With His brother in Parkhurst. Excellent. Oh, is that one of your lines? Yeah. I love that. I Dan Bird with his brother.

Are we allowed to know what this was for? Yes, I can tell you that. Are you aware of a 60s, 70s TV series called Cowlern? I was aware of it. It had a very iconic opening title, Swinging Bare Lightbulb. Right.

And there was a character... It reminds you of your first flat, Frank. Yeah, exactly. I did, I had a bare light... I remember answering people... They're all trendy now. ...saying, what's the point of it? What's a lampshade for?

Yeah. What is it for? That's a good question. And I've never, no one's ever really, I can see it on a standing lamp next to your bed or something. It says what to. Yeah. But on the ceiling.

They seem a mistake today when we can barely see, don't they? Well, of course they're not. 12 light shades. I'd kill for a bare light bulb in here. They're now super fashionable anyway. Are they? Yes, the bear lightbulb. Bear bulbs?

Yeah, I've got a bear bulb chandelier. I've heard that. And I'll give you the key. Yeah. No, it was... So, yeah, there's a character in it called Lonely who's a sort of an underworld ex-con, a slightly tragic figure,

who the second he gets stressed, he emanates some terrible smell. I've never quite worked out what it's supposed to be, but that's how it works. He's not called Skunk, he's called Lonely. No, no, he's called Lonely, yeah. It's a great name, though, I must say. Yeah?

And it was all recorded. There was lots of other things going on at this place. So there's actors everywhere, and I love the company of actors. Lots of people with spectacles on lanyards. Excellent. I love that. And a scarf. I'm thinking I wouldn't mind.

You see a biro on a lanyard Sometimes amongst actors as well Have you seen that? Oh I love that I've always fancied Toothpick on a lanyard Which is my favourite Smith's track I know

What would you If you had the choice Most like to have on a lanyard? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We seem to have inadvertently, because of your 30-year anniversary of being a comedian, we seem to have inadvertently started a where did you see Frank Skinner do stand-up for the first time texting.

What, you mean that's going well? Better than what would you like on a lanyard? It's gone a bit Dallas Book Depository in terms of where were you? Oh, okay. Someone has messaged, saw Frank upstairs at De Hems warming up before going to a TV show on Rupert Street.

I think that would have been a comedy club called Aranji Boom Boom. I remember that. De Hems. And I still remember a gag I did from that gig, because I remember being gutted that I thought, I'll never have a chance to do this. I'd been talking to these, there was two Dutch guys in there. Right.

They made it easy for you going to a ranchy booms yeah so I was talking to these two guys during the gig

and then suddenly water started coming through the ceiling just dropping down and I said to one of these guys one of you

couldn't put stick your finger in there and it got a big laugh and stuff and I thought I'll never be able to use that

what's the chances of having dodged people and then water leaking in no that is a shame but you got to retell it here this morning and you got a secondary laugh

this morning yeah I got a a memory lane laugh anyway they continue memory lane would be a good stage though wouldn't it yes

she's a female singer yes young female singer. Yes. Young female singer, maybe. Doing the covers. Memory Lane. Yeah. Very good.

Al, why don't you do it? He needs a slight... I'm a boxer or comedian, depending on who you ask. He needs a slight change in the spelling, doesn't he? With an I at the end instead of a Y. Other people do that. Yeah. And what about... Yeah, I would change it to L-A-I-N-E.

Memory Lane. Oh, you'd change that part? I'd change that part as well. Because if you're a female singer, you ought to be careful you start changing the spelling of memory. Yes, you do.

You could be leading people to quite a different show. Anyway, you were saying it was the memory of your jokes at De Hems. It was the night after Eric Cantona kicked the supporter at Crystal Palace. Frank Hems, it was the night after Eric Cantona kicked the supporter at Crystal Palace.

Frank said it all started when the Palace fan said something about Eric not being able to make a decent souffle and that his white wine sauce was rubbish. Do you remember that? There you go. Always had it. This was before the cooking show trend.

Can I say, I was ahead of it. Yeah, well, not all the gags were great. Don't put yourself down. It's quite a lot of stuff, isn't it? It was... Yes, happy days. Aranji boom boom. We've got 30 years' worth of those to come in now.

Yeah, exactly. We've also had someone follow up. Come on, Frank, don't leave us up in the air about one of my all-time favourite shows, Callan, long-time reader, first-time texter. OK, I am playing Lonely and Ben Miles, who is you, what would you know him from? He's Peter Townsend in that programme about the royal family. Oh, yes.

He's Callan and I'm Lonely and it's for Big Finish, which is a marvellous organisation that does lots of Doctor Who stuff, amongst other things. And it comes out in July in four audio stories. Right. OK? I've plugged it. Well done. Speaking of plugging, we have a guest today.

We don't have many guests on the show because we're picky. We banned them. Yeah, but we've got Ross Noble is on today, so that's exciting very because he's a friend of the show well I just think

I think anyone who's asked Tony to be a guest should see it as a tremendous privilege because what do we have four we have four a year

and three of those are David Baddiel yeah let's be honest David Baddiel Tim Key Alex Horne Ross Noble

Neil Gaiman. That's about it. That's all we've had. It's a pretty cool gang. Yeah. If I'm cool. I mean, I love them all. I'm not exactly Danny Zuko, these characters.

No. Or even, let's see who else was in it. Rizzo. Kaniki. Where's my Kaniki? Kaniki. In it. Rizzo. Kaniki? Why is my Kaniki? Kaniki. In that bunch. Which one was Kaniki?

Oh, it's complicated. He got the lady into a little bit of trouble. Oh. Remember him? We're doing all the voices today. Oh, do we? But that was, Rizzo got into a little bit of trouble, didn't he? Yeah, from Kaniki.

Oh, I see. Get your grease right. And was it Lauren Levert? In Kaniki. Oh, in the band Kaniki, yeah? Oh, I see. Get your grease right. And was it Lauren Levert in Kinnicky? Oh, in the band Kinnicky, yeah. Oh. What a weird tangled connection of oral sounds we've put together. You OK, Al? Yeah.

OK, good. Just checking in. We're all OK. We're all there. We're all OK. OK. Oh, I'll tell you what. What was lovely about being amongst the actors,

I saw a lot of hogging. You know when people from different productions say, Karen, I haven't seen you for years. And I loved that. It was so... I like hanging about at airport arrivals. Yeah. Just for that.

You know some people go plane-spotted. I go hog-spotted. Oh, that's nice. I'll stand there for an hour. If I've got time before a flight, I'll stand for an hour watching people embrace. There's names for people like you. I think it's lovely.

I like to think that I live off the emotion the way Ingrid Pitt, I think, in the Hammer films used to live off the blood of local virgin girls. A bit like that. Charming. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute radio.

Sorry, Frank, but 690 has texted in with a question. Good morning to you. Why don't baddies wear stockings over their heads anymore in the movies or TV shows? Oh, I think I can guess this. I think there's a trend amongst movies and TV show makers to have them in face masks like from toy shops. Oh yes. Which

probably is a better disguise, let's be honest, than the stocking. Yes. Well, I don't know. It looks... Well, they have the V for Vendetta mask as well, don't they? That's very popular. Also, I mean, I'd feel a bit weird if I was a bank robber

type going and buying stockings. Yeah. Someone about buying... Can't they get them off their moles? Yeah, exactly. Well, not if they get really entangled. One of the difficulties of removing the stocking. No, but if you're buying tights, you can always claim the fan belt's gone.

Oh, yeah, exactly. But buying a stocking... I mean, if a bloke came into a garage and, you know, was buying stockings, you know, your mind's going crazy. Yeah, true. And also, how far, you have to put them, you know that sort of lacy end to a,

let's say to a hold-up? Yes. Yeah. I suppose for hold-ups, if you think about it. Yeah, it's perfect. Yeah. Is that why they're called hold-ups, those stockings?

Because they used to wear them for... That was a popular brand for the bank robber. I mean, I love your logic, but I don't think that is why they're called hold-ups. That's a great idea. That might be why they got the idea. Oh, that takes me back to my youth. One hold-up coming down.

Like when you're an armed robber. You know, hanging down. Goodness me. A limp hold-up that wasn't quite enough sticky. Oh, I see. Absolute, absolute see. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Steve Bunn. Steve Bunn, oh yeah. Yeah, he's tweeted us and suggested Marmite Bagel on a lanyard. Steve Bunn's a bit disloyal to the family tradition. He shouldn't go for a bagel. I like Marmite Bagel on a lanyard steve bunn's a bit disloyal to the family tradition going for a bagel i like marmite bagel on the lanyard though yeah i'll tell you what i like about that is i can imagine if somebody

showed me their engagement ring holding that up as if it was a jeweler's eyepiece looking through the hole to examine it there's a monocle if you if you had say if you were telling a Chris Eubank anecdote, you'd be glad of a bagel on a string because you could just do the monocle. Perfect. I think it's a great idea though because the toast would just harden and lose its appeal. But there's something perennial

about the bagel. You could eat that all day, that stuff. I think you'd need rather than pierce the bagel, I think you'd have to go through the, you'd need, rather than pierce the bagel, I think you'd have to go through the, you'd have to make a loop of the lanyard and run it through the centre of it. Yes. Almost make it like a necklace.

Yeah, but what worries me about that, if you have... Nice necklace, that. Thank you. If you have a bagel hanging like that, suspended from the middle, might you get a small chimpanzee come and sit on it?

That would be one of the benefits. They love a tyre. If there's one thing they love, it's a suspended tyre. Oh man. A bit like those chairs you used to get in the Prisoner. Those are the 60s chairs. I think the chimpanzees

probably pioneered that fashion. Somebody went past, some furniture bloke went past the chimpanzees sitting in tyres and thought, you know what? Yeah. I, I'll tell you what, I've had a bit of, my heating has been off much of the week. Oh yeah. It's not a good week for the heating to be off. Chilly. Oh dear. Have It's not a good week for the heating to be off. Chilly. Oh, dear.

Have you been layering up? I have. I've been wearing two jumpers. Have you? And I'll tell you what I did. I wore two jumpers for three days, and after three days, I wore the same two jumpers,

but I reversed them. Oh, nice. So no one knew. That could become your Dancers With Walls nickname. Frank Two Jumpers. Yeah. Let's call Frank Two Jumpers. Let's call him Two Jumpers.

A bit like Jimmy Five Bellies or something. Similar. He probably doesn't have Two Jumpers on. Well, that would be in keeping with your new sort of East End criminal character. I don't know if Lonely is a criminal, is he? Yes, he is a criminal. He sounds a bit criminal. I sometimes like a hoodie under a sweater.

A non... Wow. You worked that out? Oh, okay. Okay. Well, the hoodie's got to be quite snug. Yeah. I'll tell you what I did. What I used this week, something I haven't used for a long time.

Oh, dear. Here we go. Hot water bottle. Oh, nice. Oh, come on, Frank. Do you know what? I forgot we go. Hot water bottle. Oh, nice. Come on, Frank. Do you know what? I forgot the thrill. They're good. What about a hot water bottle

with a cashmere cover? No, I don't like a cover. I don't know what that is. I will not tolerate a cover. You don't put a cover on it? You like the plain rubber? Is it a cover? That's what it... Is it protective? Hang on a minute. Or is it insulatory? The hell do you have next to your skin if you don't have a cover?

Robber. What the? I'm Catholic. It's the only chance I get. It smells. What do you mean it smells? What, robber? I just don't like it.

No. Really? But it just makes it less warm. No, I think it makes it more warm, doesn't it? No, it makes the hot water bottle warm. It's not about the hot water bottle. Where do you place the hot water bottle? Down by your toes?

Oh, yeah. Okay. I do that thing before I get into bed. I put it just about waist level. Oh, yeah. Lovely. So there's that little... Oh, man. Nice. I'm going to miss it with the heating coming back. You can still have it as a waist level. Oh, yeah. Lovely. So there's that little... Oh, man.

Nice. I'm going to miss it with the heating coming back. You can still have it as a little treat. That could be like, you know, we have a spa day. You could have a day with the rubber hot water bottle. Lovely. I feel that would be excessive. Just keep the heating off and carry on with the hot water bottle.

It's pretty... Think of the savings. I tell you what, filling one as well from the kettle. Yeah. Is there a more satisfying sound than... Nice. As it makes its way up to the... Oh, man.

I wish I'd got one. Have you got a hot water bottle, anyone? Well, that's a very fashionable gift for the man in your life this year. A hot water bottle? Hang on, hold your high horses. What are you talking about, Willis? I'm sorry, we pounced on that. It's the cashmere-covered hot water bottle

with a matching cashmere sort of eye mask. You know, the top cap one, Frank. Oh, no. And then what's the additional element? Daisy will know. There's another thing in it. It's a triumvirate. Oh, yeah, Scrooge nightcap, possibly.

Yeah, possibly. Nice, I'm in. But what would you say to the eye mask? No, I hate an eye mask. I saw it on a plane, but I wouldn't want to sleep in an eye mask. OK. Oh, socks was the other thing. I sometimes sleep in an eye mask.

What worries me, if you sleep in an eye mask and you get burgled, the police come in, they might shoot the wrong bloke. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Come on! Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Chet, we're easing you into the morning here. I used to have a friend who used to live with me and we used to play table football.

I had one of those things. And he reminded me that I used to live with me and we used to play table football, one of those things and he reminded me that I used to, if I scored a couple of goals past him easily I would say, CONFRONTRATE! I mean they were already texting in this morning but you've urged them to, I imagine the switchboard

will light up now, we were discussing your heating being off and you using a hot water bottle. Oh, yeah. A bit nostalgic, didn't we? Yeah. 509 has texted, re-hot water bottles.

I always like a re at the start. Did you know you can buy a long hot water bottle that is as long as your spine? Comes with a long cashmere sock to put it in. Imagine that big old sock. Game changer. How many kettles? That's what I'm thinking.

Good point. Hold on, where do you store the thing? Good point. All good points. That sounds extraordinary. It's like having a man in the house. Never heard of that. Big old spine.

A bit different from that, but yeah. It is a bit... Speak for yourself. It is a bit like... It's a bit like a sort of a relationship with a hot water bottle. Yes. You get into bed and everything's red hot. You wake up sometime later and everything's gone much colder.

And then you hate it. You just want to kick it out. Yeah. Well, that's the trailer for Valentine's done. Yeah, that's the trailer for Valentine's done. Yeah, that's all done. I mean, I think probably one could also say... Electric blankets, are they around? Oh.

Yes, they are. Someone at my boxing gym, yes, I go to a boxing gym, was telling me only the other day that he's just bought one. They're fabulous, apparently. They're a bit more sophisticated than they were, because I always worry a bit about the electric blanket. Hang on, somebody at the boxing gym says fabulous. Yes, he did.

How can they be more sophisticated in one way? What? What's that? How can they be more sophisticated in an electric blanket? I just think from a safety point of view. Oh, you can weave them. What's that? How can they be more sophisticated, electric blanket? I just think from a safety point of view. Oh, you can weave them without dying. Oh, that sounds good. That is progress.

That's when I stopped using them, when my drinking got out of control. It became a danger. Seems sensible. Yeah. Boz, my child Boz, has got hot feet. They're always... I've gone into his bedroom and it's freezing and his feet are sticking out and I think, oh, no.

And I touch his feet and they're really, really warm always. Lovely bed warmer. Is it a good thing or a bad thing? Yeah, he'll be on high demand as a bed warmer. Tuesday night, we got his socks off. The whole family just sat round him. Nice. It was so cold. It's been socks off. The whole family just sat round him. Nice. It was so cold.

It's been properly cold. I'll tell you what I missed. I missed having the old, you know, I had a coal fire as a kid. So that couldn't, the heating couldn't break down when you got a coal fire. Right. And I also miss throwing stuff on a coal fire. Yeah. I mean, all the scraps and all that.

Just debris from the house. What did you put on there? Newspapers? Crisp bags. Anything that was used. Did you have one of those? No, but I know about the concept of fire. Any bits of paper or stuff like that.

The house was much tidier. You just chuck stuff on the fire. Obviously, food to the dog. And although not bread. You don't put bread on the fire? My dad said if you put bread on the fire the devil would come Him and his practical down to earth advice

Yeah that's what Alistair Crowley did apparently Put bread on the fire What about the salt? I think you're alright with that But yeah that was a big thing in our house, bread on the fire and and the devil comes. Little warning, little tip, little life hack.

Anyone out there listening? But, yeah, I mean, it's a faff, a coal fire, but it doesn't break down. I don't know if you've ever had to scrape your ash hole first thing in the morning. But it is a pain. Oh, my God. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Frank, I'd like to extend my sympathies to the Queen this week. Can I explain why? I thought I'd missed it. Everything's OK. It's not big news. You don't think she's happy about the forthcoming wedding? Well okay. It's not big news. No. You don't think she's happy about the fourth coming wedding?

Well, Al, it is big news in my world because the Queen, girlfriend, had same-dress nightmare this week. Oh, yes. She basically went for purple, she went for absolute purple for her dress when she went to meet the Nigerian High Commissioner and his wife. They came to her gaff. I do apologise. And it was

a purple explosion. I mean there was a lot of purple going on. There was a lot of purple. It's a good job Barney was invited. Barney the dinosaur. If he'd have been at the same reception, it would have been ridiculous. They'd all have blended in, wouldn't they? The phantom.

Yeah. That would have been a mistake. I thought they had staff that brokered this. I thought the staff would be emailing the Nigerian family saying, the Queen will be wearing purple and cream. It seems to me that the Nigerian commissioner and his wife hadn't even emailed each other. They had exactly the same outfit on.

Well, that might have been a decision that they took, though, they might have liked matching his and hers outfits. Well, perhaps the Queen's... It's a strange decision, though, isn't it? Really? Is that a Nigerian thing? No, I think a lot of married couples do that. My wife and I are wearing the exact same outfit today.

I've never approved of it. I've seen... I remember seeing a couple... I think that lot of married couples do that. My wife and I are wearing the exact same outfit today. I've never approved of it. I've seen, I remember seeing it. I think that was intentional. I think they were Canadian once. I'm assuming this because they had Canada leather jackets on with a big maple leaf matching. It's never good, is it? Well, I think the Queen might have done it on purpose,

to be fair to the Queen really? she might have thought well look let's all go for purple what if we all wore purple and apparently an aide commented afterwards she saw the funny side I don't believe that

I read somebody said she took it in her stride she probably forgot what she was wearing so it never occurred to her I'm surprised that the I read somebody said she took it in her stride. She probably forgot what she was wearing. So it never occurred to her. But I'm surprised that the Nigerian ambassador and his wife wore the same thing. Are you? Aren't you? That's not unusual, isn't it?

I think that's quite common. Don't you think one of them said, you're not going to throw all that material away, are you? Get it over here! Get it over here! Get it over here! No, they looked... I thought that was a strange look for the two of them. Do you know the Queen has only worn trousers once? Is that right?

I have a lot of information about the Queen's wardrobe. She's horse riding. She's only ever worn trousers. She wore... On official business, I do apologise. Not in her whole life, I'm sure, behind closed doors. Right. Yeah, she wears some juicy tracksuit bottoms around the house.

At official business, she's worn them once, and that was in Canada once, I believe. Oh, really? That's it. Rat-infested. Rat-infested, tucked in the socks, tracksuit. Yeah. And then she thought, no, it's skirts from now on.

And what I'm surprised at is that there's not already a system in place for this because surely they could do it like a football team that the royalty of each country wears their home kit and then when they're visiting they wear away colours. Yeah, so she can wear what she likes. And the Nigerian ambassador has to work out the waist strip. We've got to put the waist strip on. Why has that not been sorted out years ago?

And also, check the colour of the carpet, love. Is that your message to the Queen? Yeah. Check the colour of the carpet, love. You're going to have Cadbury's carpet. Don't go for absolute dress. It was purple. It was Cadbury's purple.

She crashed with her own carpet. It was purple everywhere. Hashtag scenes., yeah. She crashed with her own carpet. It was purple everywhere. Hashtag scenes. Sick of purple. Had it up to here. You can't say that on Absolute Radio. Absolute. Absolute.

Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The Queen. No, I was just suggesting a toast. Okay, sorry. That's the Queen. Where's me... You've a toast. OK, sorry. The Queen. Where's me...

You've got your mulled wine. Where's me mulled non-alcoholic wine? Yeah. I'm the same dress nightmare thing, which I know you always discuss, Emma, as if it's like the worst thing that could happen to someone. Yeah. I...

As if it is, yeah. Do you think the Queen gets furious at Christmas lunch when everyone else have got crowns on? What about if you walked in in that yellow crown? Oh, my yellow leather crown. Have you still got that? Oh, yeah. Get it out every Christmas.

What happened this one year I was talking about, one of the few... I've got quite a big head. Yeah. A make-up lady once told me that me and Benny Hill had got the biggest heads in show business. I think she was talking dimensions.

Not metaphor. No. I like that you're associated with that anecdote. It's a nice one. Yeah, and one of the few hats I've ever looked good in is those paper crowns you get out of crackers. the few hats I've ever looked good in is those paper crowns you get out of crackers. I don't know, it just, it does,

it helps my sort of 30 years advanced evolution forehead look a bit more sensible. And I was thinking of getting a leather one and wearing it regularly, and somebody made me one, sent it into this show. It's one of the many perks of doing this show for you, isn't it? Yeah, leather crown. And I've got it turned a few heads in the S&M community

when I turn it up. It's had everything. I thought that king had arrived. They have their little Christmas lunch now. It's yellow as well. You say depressing. Yeah. The trouble is, none of us will untie the turkey.

Yeah. The trouble is, none of us will untie the turkey. There's an element of Bart Simpson about that crowd. Yes, very much so. What happened to him? I feel he's gone as well. He disappeared along with What's Up, didn't he? No, he's still going. Oh, is he? OK, good. Pleased for him. She also went to the Scripture Union celebration. Scripture Union is an organisation that pushes Bible reading.

Oh, yeah. Another one. Yeah. There's a few I've heard about. She wore another purple dress to that. Oh, come on with the purple. And I've got to tell you, it was exactly Bishop's purple, exactly the colour that Bishop's wearing.

Do you think she's doing this on purpose? No, I really think she is. She's a regal chameleon, is that what it is? She's trying to blend in with whoever she's meeting. Maybe she's playing... You know how I used to do that? She's playing a dangerous game if she tries it on with me. I'm just saying. What about when she meets the military and turns up in fatigues?

That'd be correct. Queen in combat? Hello. I think she's playing... Like Michelle Keegan. She's playing a sort of sartorial snap. I think it could do that. Do you remember when I used to do that pedestrian racing where I used to race other people and they never knew,

or I think they never knew. I wonder if she's made up her mind. You know how old people get frisky and mischievous? Like when football players sneak quotes into their interviews, like song titles or whatever. Perhaps she's been playing a game all these years of what you're saying, clothing snap, and we haven't spotted it until now. This could be breaking news. Perhaps she's been playing a game all these years of, what you're saying, clothing snap. Yeah.

And we haven't spotted it until now. This could be breaking news. She's going to turn up with that Hammond and Clarkson with a bootcut jean and a leather chiquito. Sure, this is. First the long hot water bottle and now this breaking news about the Queen's clothing snap. The long hot water bottle. What a novel that was. Oh, yeah.

Very good. What was it called? I think the long firm. Do you know that book? Jake Ar. Oh, yeah. Very good. What was it called, I think, The Long Firm? Do you know that book? Jake Arnott, is it? Is it? It's like a cop thriller-y type of book. I picked it up once in a bookshop, The Long Firm,

and spent five minutes trying to find the last word in the sentence. LAUGHTER We've just had quite a long text but I think it's worth putting it to the board as it were in case there's detail in there that is worthy of our knowledge Hi Frank, Emily and Alan Read the purple scandal. I'm not 100% sure but didn't purple represent imperial

power? Roman emperors and senators, etc. If that's true, wouldn't it follow that by wearing purple it would be a way of diplomatically implying that they're all equals? First amongst equals, but still equals. Please feel free to shoot holes in this theory. All experiences are good ones,

even if they lead to enlightenment slash revelation. Praise withheld, with thanks for your time and consideration. Two to zero. Lovely. Great tone. Well, I don't know about diplomatically implying they're all equals. I would say it's girlfriends making a power move. Because I presume the ecumenicals have no choice, really, Frank.

They've got to wear these purples. Well, the Archbishop of Canterbury, I think sometimes he doesn't. He can't open his wardrobe and go, oh, fancy that frock today, can he? No, it's difficult. But I have a friend who's an Anglican vicar, and he doesn't always wear the dog collie, you know. Right. Okay. Anglican vicar and he doesn't always wear the dog collie Right So you know they're a bit more

free wheel, not lax, they're free wheel Dressed down Speaking of that the Queen went to the Queen went to Songs of Praise with Catherine Jenkins Did she? Another sort of ambassador of praise with Catherine Jenkins. Did she?

Another sort of ambassador. Of course. The ambassador of Satan. And she shouldn't have thrown that bread on the fire. Satan's special envoy. Yeah, exactly. So that was weird.

A worry for the Queen in that respect. Apparently the Queen helped to... Did the Queen wear a strapless ball gown and loads of false eyelashes? Ouchy. No, she wore... You know those little red horns that light up that people wear at Halloween?

She wore those. Oh, dear. We should perhaps explain to people that you're convinced. I mean, how do you want me to put this? That you're convinced Catherine Jenkins is... What's it about convinced? I have a hunch. Yes. That, have I mentioned that before on this show?

That Catherine Jenkins is Lucifer's representative on Earth. So, now you're up to speed. Because there's a picture of her sitting at her Christmas tree, Catherine Jenkins, and I notice it's pointing downwards rather than upwards. Oh, isn't that trendy at the moment, though? It's so fashionable, isn't it? They're all doing it.

Upside-down Christmas trees. Karl Lagerfeld's designed one. It's got a carriage, isn't it? It's upside-down. I think hers is just pointing to HQ. It's got a carriage, isn't it? It's upside down. I think hers is just pointing to HQ. It's like a moral compass. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast

from Absolute Radio. So, on the on the strange costumes topic, what about Polo Fonseca? Oh, I love this.

A.K.A. Zorro. Shakhtar Donetsk, is it? Shakhtar Donetsk, I think. What did he get himself into, Al? A little bit of trouble. So, how did this happen? He ended up

at a press conference dressed as Zorro yeah I think he said something along the lines of oh if we beat Man City I would love that you know people say

I'll eat my hat I think he maybe he riffed I'll dress as Zorro at the next press conference it's a weird thing to come up with

out the air it is it is maybe he loved the idea of dressing as Zorro as much as the idea of... Maybe he's got a Zorro in the attic. I think it's an odd one to just pluck out the air. You're right, he wanted to do it.

It's a bit like me saying, well, if we lose, I'll dress as a sort of Moulin Rouge showgirl with full hair and make-up. You want that. Yeah. He wanted that. And to be fair, I think he was right to because it really suited that Zorro mask, I thought.

He looked good in it. I thought it spilt it when the Queen turned up as Zorro. You know what she's like. She can't help herself, can she? That's the spilest moment. Everybody looks good in a Zorro mask. Do you think? Well, they do.

I think the one thing was the hat let him down. That looked a bit like he'd just got it out of the cellophane and it had sprung up. It had been flattened for the packaging. Oh, right. It looked a bit more couple of swirls than Zorro, I felt. I love those hats. You know those flat hats?

They call them opera hats or something. Oh, right, yeah, yeah. Do you know the ones I mean, that you just push them into a... I used to have one, a collapsible top hat. Excellent. I wouldn't mind one of those. I think lottery winners often use them. Do they?

For what? I think if you're a lottery winner, you want to be in the pub in a top hat. Right. You know, just to hammer it home. Yeah. What I liked is he had the little chain on the cape. And some people forget that detail, but it's very important.

To you. Yeah, it really is, Al. I need that chain on the cape. Do you think he went and bought the Zorro thing? Or do you think he hired it? Or do you think he got one? I think you might be right. I think he might have improvised, oh, I'll dress up as Zorro thinking,

I've got that great Zorro outfit that i could use then double win i thought he looked good but i did watch the press conference and i heard a character in the press conference saying what happened i thought he was coming in as zorro as if he was rather rude yeah i mean i thought he was very definitely zorro yeah he's still a Zorro. Yeah. Is he still a big deal, Zorro? Do people know who he is? I'm not sure he is. I mean, he's got the disadvantage. If you're looking

up your action heroes, he's very near the end of the book. Oh, on the itter's head of action heroes. He's near the end of the book. You might never get to him. Yeah, Action Man. Way ahead. Ant- Action Man, way ahead. Ant-Man, he does well. They do all right, don't they?

Albert Schweitzer. Bless you. Yeah, I mean, I didn't think he should be, but he is. He said it was the most joyful press conference of his entire career. That's good. I'm not surprised. He's just beaten Man City and he's wearing his outfit. He's got his little outfit on. He's patronising, he's wearing his outfit. He's got his little outfit on. I'm patronising him, he's wearing his outfit.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Do you remember when Garth Crooks, former West Bromwich Albion player? Antoine Hotspur. Yeah, but it's not going to details alright and he he made some

declaration that if so and so won or somebody lost I can't remember the thing that he'd

shave his hair into a Mohican oh did he what do they call it a Mohawk is that the correct term

I think we I think a Mohican is longer than a Mohawk or vice versa yeah I think it than a Mohawk or vice versa. I think it was a Mohawk. His was quite a stub one. I'd say if it was two inches, that'd be it.

So did he do it? He did it, but nobody cared. That was a terrible moment that he made the declaration. People care about Zorro, and when Gary Lineker had to host Match of the Day in his boxer shorts... Yeah, but he didn't, did he? They were football shorts. Oh, were they?

They were definitely football shorts. Got a monotechnicality here. They were long pants. Oh, come on, they were football shorts. Boxers? And I thought, wow. I thought they were boxers. Yeah, boxers.

Wow, I've never seen Gary Lineker in football shorts before. Yeah, but the most annoying was Paddy Ashdown when the exit polls came out and he said if we get that few votes in the Liberal Democrats I'll eat my hat and then after refused to eat his hat

I mean that's just poor He could have even got a hat cake arrangements could have been made. They should have foisted one on him. Yeah. I wish he'd have come back from the break and Dimbleby's kneeling on his chest, force-feeding a hat down him.

Like, really pressing this fetish down him. Paddy, I said... Oh, man. That would have been great television. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Furthermore, there's the opportunity to email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Just before we had that musical and advertising interlude, we were discussing the boss of Shakhtar who turned up to the press conference in his Zorro mask because he was following through on his word. He said, I'll dress as Zorro if we win.

Gary Lineker said, I'll host Match of the Day in my boxer shorts. You think he didn't. I think he did. But I think he did. I think it's football shorts. And who was it that you said that didn't do the thing that they'd said? Paddy Ashdown. Paddy Ashdown.

Didn't eat his hat. Now, I somewhat painted myself into a corner this summer. I have two children, Cockrell juniors, and I'd been listening to some podcast where they were saying, oh, the earlier you can get your kids to understand financial literacy, the better. Financial literacy? You know, like pocket money.

The FT? Yes, no, just like pocket money and the concept of saving and all that stuff. So I heard this podcast and I thought, I'm going to have a go at being a good parent for a day. And I went back and I, in a cavalier way, we were planning the Edinburgh Festival, and I said to my kids, hey, you two.

That's how I speak to them. I went, hey, you two. I said, any money. Like on a building site with them. Any money that you can save up by the time you come to the Edinburgh Festival, I, you too. I said, any money... Like on a building site with them. Any money that you can save up by the time you come to the Edinburgh Festival, I will double it. Because I wanted to get them the saving habit.

That's a good thing to get in it. And that's a useful little trick for most parents. By the time you get to the Edinburgh Festival, hold that out. Well, they knew that they were coming to visit me in August when I was at the Edinburgh Festival. Isn't it your poorest period of the year? It's broken many a comic, the Edinburgh Festival.

My six-year-old daughter, who has very little impulse control and is not at all interested in long-term saving, spent pretty much all of her money, so I doubled her fiver. Wow, my spirit animal, can I just say. My son, who's ten and pretty shrewd, saved 300 quid. Wow! Sorry, he saved 150 and I doubledrewd, saved 300 quid. Wow. Sorry, he saved 150 and I doubled it. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Oh, man, he broke me. I thought I was teaching him a lesson. He was looking at me like, no, I'm teaching you a lesson. This is like the old psychological trick of giving a kid biscuits, isn't it? Oh, the marshmallow test. Famous marshmallow test. What's this? I don't know. They leave them in a room for something like five minutes

with some marshmallows. And he says, if you don't eat that marshmallow, I'll give you something even nicer. They offer them one marshmallow. You can have one marshmallow now or two in 15 minutes. So it's teaching them delayed gratification. Yes, exactly. And all the ones who manage to get to the next level,

apparently they then go back. This is a famous psychological study, actually. And they go back like... I need to rub Emily's nose. I can't believe anybody would have heard of the marshmallow attack. I'm so sorry, I don't know it. Very famous, apparently. They go back like 30 years later,

and apparently on all the outcomes that you want... I know a lot about Hampton Court, though. Apparently the kids that have the delayed gratification when they're kids they do better on almost all the outcomes that you'd want to do better on in life well I would have so eaten the marshmallows so I'm glad I didn't

go to that study little Lord Fontleroy absolutely broke me in the summer and I had to pay up 300 quid a bit and change. I mean, he's never going to get that interest rate again

in his life, is he? No, that's... Well, we don't know what's going to happen with the economy. You're right. You're right. Breaking news.

He might put all his savings in Bitcoin. Who knows? Exactly. Can I tell you I have no idea what Bitcoin is. I've heard about it.

It's a lot. It's a cryptocurrency. What is it? It's a cryptocurrency. Apparently, it's very famous, idea what Bitcoin is. I've heard about it a lot. It's a cryptocurrency. What is it? It's a cryptocurrency. Apparently it's very famous, Frank. Crypto. I've heard of it, but I just don't know what it is. It's a virtual currency.

I think it might be one of those things I opt out of, like Breaking Bad. I think... Yeah. I think it's more one of those things that you have to opt into. Is it like PayPal? No. Okay. Well, it's... It's those things that you have to opt into. Is it like PayPal? No. Okay. Well, it's...

It's a new kind of coinage. It's a new kind of currency that's only online. It's been around a while, yeah. It doesn't exist in physical form. Well, that's true of PayPal, isn't it? No, because that's still tied to money, isn't it? That's a form of payment. It's still tied to sterling and...

Anyway. I've meant up my mind. I don't care about it. Okay. Bitcoin. I've got a Fitbit, is that? Yeah. Stay on Fitbit.

Exactly. We'll handle Bitcoin. My Fitbit is keeping me so informed about my life. Yeah, it was telling me what time it was every time you gave a round of applause during the show last night. Hey, listen, isn't Fitbit bad if you're... What are the philanderers?

Philanderer's nightmare. Because if your partner looked at it, they can't tell where you've been the Fitbit, can you? But they'd say why have you made that many steps today? Well exactly, I mean sometimes in the S&M community, I can be on a treadmill for two hours. Skinner,

Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran together The Frank Skinner Show I have got a text in well it's a tweet in this is from Grubby whatever happened to reverse charge phone calls I was out with no money when my mobile died

I needed to call home but was too scared to call the operator and ask for a reverse charge phone call in case they no longer exist. What do you think of that? Yeah, I wonder if they do still exist. I think you could still do it. Because you used to get, remember you had to accept but you could

reject? Yes. But can you call a mobile on the reverse charge? There's a question. An operator would come on and say, will you call a mobile on the reverse charge? Oh, I don't know if you could. There's a question. An operator would come on and say, will you accept a reverse charge call? Yeah. Yeah. I did remember saying no once.

Did you? Yeah. Yeah, but you and David still speak now, which is good. Yeah, I think that's quite a good one. I think that gets the seal of... I do. I think that's quite a good one. I think that gets the seal of... I do.

Speaking of that, I went to the BFI last Saturday for a screening of Sharda. And Sharda is an episode of Doctor Who from 1979. Right. Tom Baker, fourth Doctor circa

and a lot of my parents friends well half of it was filmed and then the rest didn't happen because of industrial action so late 70s as I said I feel

I'm obviously nostalgic about the Doctor Who thing but I feel obviously nostalgic about the Doctor Who thing, but I feel more nostalgic about industrial action. It just really does feel. Cameramen on strike. Well, my brother who worked at Longbridge, he was a shop steward at Longbridge, our Keith, and he was on the news being interviewed about, you know,

the management treats us and he was actually warming his hands over a brazier. Excellent. Did he have a donkey jacket on? I think he did. Very good. I mean, the brazier. That's gone. Only to be seen in the strike

scenes in Billy Elliot now, hasn't it? Yeah. It was very much whatever happened to. Yeah. But it was a fabulous, fabulously indulgent Doctor Who day. I was on a panel with Voice of the Spaceship.

Come on. That is a good title. It don't get much better than that, does it? Absolutely marvellous. Has that person got a real name? I don't want to know it. Don't put me on got a real name? I don't want to know it. Don't put me on the spot. No, I don't want to know it, Al.

Some things are too beautiful. And I'd like to always keep that as voice of the spaceship. She had a very beautiful voice. Oh, it was a lady. Oh, yeah, it was a lady. Yeah, 79, you know. The women's lip was coming through. That's why they were burning their braziers.

They're jacks. I've told you when I met Douglas Adams. The women's lip was coming through. That's why they were burning their braziers. Their jets. Oh, my. I've told you when I met Douglas Adams. Because Douglas Adams wrote it, the guy who wrote Hitchhiker's Guide. Right, I did not know that. And I was introduced to him. Not really, because I never knew things like who wrote stuff and all that.

You just knew who was in it. Someone who came in later, Sophisticated London living. And I was introduced to him by a friend. And he was quite big thing. He was a script editor and he wrote I think three episodes? Doctor Who? And

I'm going to say City of Death, Pirate Planet. It's not a test. Okay. I know Pirate Planet. Anyway, I was introduced I love Pirate Planet. It's not a test. I know Pirate Planet. I was introduced, I love Pirate Planet. Anyway, I was introduced to him and my friend said, this is Douglas Adams, and I sang Bright Eyes.

I thought you'll love that. But that's Richard Adams who did Watership Down. And he said, that's Richard Adams and just walked away. And he said that Richard Adamson just walked away. And all day at this event, people were telling stories of what a lovely, friendly, warm-hearted bloke he was.

And I had to spoil the whole thing with that story. Oh, dear. And then I got an email from Steve Hall. Oh, yeah. Remember her? Yeah. A regular on the show, on this show. Yeah.

Who said, oh, I was at the Sheldon event. Oh, right. remember her? yeah a regular on the show on this show yeah who said oh I was at I was at the Sharder event oh right and you know I don't know about you whenever I get

a text or something from someone saying oh I was at that thing you were at today I always think well then did you deliberately

avoid me? really? well no possibly he didn't see you well how did he know I was on stage on a panel how did he know I was on stage On a panel No but I know you're on stage but he's not going to storm the stage

Oh this and that and this and that He's dead to me Absolute Radio Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio I'm just working out where the extra mic is God it's so end of term here today. Can I just apologise?

Ross Noble is in the house. Now, if this was Steve Wright in the afternoon... I love it. I love the fact that it was just a distance and then you both looked and went, no, Alan can just clap on his own. I know, and I'm the one that's meant to be dour. We gave you enough applause last night.

Yeah, whoop, whoop. But when I do Steve Wright in the afternoon, I join in with my applause to thicken it up a bit. All the time. You've got to, haven't you? I once did a radio show in Manchester, a BBC radio show, and I knew that there was only two of them in the studio,

so I took along my crew that are normally on tour with me. I took my tour manager and the guys that work for me, and I took them in just to clap in the corner. And there's nothing like the laughter of paid help. Oh, my God. I don't know if you ever see any Elvis in concert things. Every gag, the band absolutely fall over laughing. It's a joy.

So, yeah, so we went to see Ross last night in Young Frankenstein, every gag the band absolutely fall over laughing it's a joy so yeah so we went to see Ross last night in Young Frankenstein at the Garrick Theatre yeah and I'll tell you something

right here we go oh god I'll tell you something stiff and stressed I I felt I felt strangely proud aww

because I think there's a feeling you weren't expecting that were you I think there's a feeling... I wasn't expecting that, were you? I think there's a feeling that the sort of... Oh, my God. I thought it was going to be major gittery, but no. No. Strangely proud.

Oh, thanks, Frank. Do you know why? Because I think our generation... I know you're younger than me, but our generation of comics, if you like, are not necessarily thought of as all-round entertainers who can get on stage and sing and dance properly if you like, and not necessarily thought of as all-round entertaining. You can get on stage and sing and dance properly and look absolutely like they've got the right to be there.

And you've totally, totally nailed it. So, honestly, I thought you were... I was blown away. Oh, thanks very much. I mean, it's a bit rambly for the poster, but... Don't you cut one word. I'm genuinely I'm genuinely Frank's really laid

back if you want to cut his material. You know what that's what that's what I love about the show is the fact that like you know

well you've seen it's proper singing and dancing and because it's done in that sort of musical style myself and you know I play the hunchback and obviously the dog because we do that first song it's proper singing and dancing, isn't it? And because it's done in that sort of musical style, myself and, you know, I play the hunchback and obviously the dog,

because we do that first song, it's like an old school sort of musical song and dance routine. I do genuinely, it's good that you've said that because I literally, as I'm doing it, I'm going, I'm in show business here. Exactly. It's the proper, yeah. Exactly.

So you play, let's not call him the Hunchback. Let's call him Igor. Igor, yes. Is what he's known. I'm excited about that because two months ago, I interviewed Al Gore. I'm trying to go for some sort of a hat trick. I go Al Gore and Gore Vidal is dead.

But if anyone... Spoiler alert. Well, L1215, if you can suggest another Gore Vidal is dead. But if anyone... Spoiler alert. I 12, L 12 15, if you can suggest another Gore, I could... You could get... You could get Derek Acora on.

Is that... Decore. No, no, just speak to Al Gore. Oh, yeah. Al Gore through. Derek Agora. Yeah.

I could get an Angora. He's a bullfighter. And here's a little thing that you might like about the show, right? So Hadley Fraser, who plays Dr. Frankenstein, he was in Doctor Who. What? Yeah, he was. Do you know what episode it was?

Oh, me, of course. What he was. You can't just come on and bring stuff like that out of that. Well, I just thought, because I was thinking, there was part of me, there's a joke about Catholics in the show, and as that came up, I went, oh, God, I forgot. I absolutely forgot. I was in the wings ready to come on.

I thought, oh, Frank's not going to like that. And then I thought, hang on a second. Hadley was in Doctor Who. That's going to cancel it out. Poor man trying to do a show. Who worried about that? That's going to cancel it out. Poor man trying to do a show.

Warren's out. Yeah, he was in Army of Ghosts with Tennant. I'll have to go and look it in there. And what about this, right? Summer Strallon, who plays Inga, the lab assistant. Her auntie. I knew you'd know it. Yeah.

I knew it. Was... Sylvester McCoy's... Yeah, she was... Bonnie Langford. She was Melanie Bush. Yeah. She was. That was her character now.

Yeah. And the first time the Daleks flew. Yes. Yes. The Daleks flew? No, no, that was... Wasn't that Remembrance of the Daleks? She wasn't...

She was in that, wasn't she? Oh, no, that was... That was Sophie Aldridge, wasn't it? Teenage Boys. Anyway. Sorry about that. Anyway, sorry about that, yeah. Look at these eyes laying up.

That was like, you two look like my wife just when I start talking about motorbikes. Just sort of started to glaze over. Yeah, Bonnie Langford was impersonated by Kate O'Mara. Right. Which is a very interesting Doctor Who moment, got the ginger wig and everything on in Time of the Rani. Anyway, enough of this. With the flags, it was with the flags, wasn't it?

No, no, let's talk more about Doctor Who. No, no, no. Anyway, young Frankenstein, there we go. And Doctor Who. What about Frank at one point? When Ross came on and he was dancing, and I turned around to Daisy, the producer, and I went, Ross is dancing!

It was, sir. It was really... I mean, the next logical step after Igor is Richard III, surely. Yeah, you'd think, I've got the hump. I've got my own hump. Exactly. It's a hop step and a hump. From Richard III. I mean, I'm ringing Branner all the time. I've got my own hump. Come on. Put me on, I'm ready Branner all the time. I've got my own hump. Come on. Put me on, I'm ready.

I love someone who... You know, sometimes on telly, people turn up with their own earpiece that they always use. I've got their own. To turn up with your own hump for Richard III. I don't even... Is Richard III with a hump anymore?

We probably... Our careers are probably all in ruins just having this discussion. Well, I think there was a brilliant documentary about that, the production of it going around the world, wasn't it, with a now disgraced famous actor. So, you know, you move up the list sometimes. Yeah, exactly.

Be honest, right, be honest, because this is, I mean, I know we shouldn't make light of this, but when you saw, there's been several comedians who have fallen from grace. Did you think the next time they do the 100 Greatest Stand-Ups, you think, that's me, two up. Let's be honest. Just a little bit more room at the top.

Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yes, it's a tremendous show. People should go and see it at the Garrick. Eight shows a week. No, it's a tremendous show. People should go and see it at the Garrick. Yep. Eight shows a week.

No, there's a question I have to ask you. Right. Many years ago, I saw Hamlet in Wolverhampton. Right. With David Threlfall, the actor. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was in Nicholas Nickleby. He played Hamlet.

Well, exactly. He played Hamlet in a wheelchair. Right. And I thought, well, exactly. He played Hamlet in a wheelchair. Right. And I thought, oh, this is some... And it was because he played... There was a Nicholas Nickleby at the RSC, which was an eight-hour production. And he played Smike.

Yes. And Smike was a disabled character. And so he crouched and... Yeah, yeah. And when I was watching you last night I thought how much damage is Ross doing to his shoulder and back muscles

how's it going with all that? It's good you know what it did when I first started because it's shoulder, it's back, legs as well, I'm moving around so in the first week of rehearsals the company manager discreetly came over to me and just went are you sure really really you know you're gonna have to do it's two

hour show eight shows a week really and i just went yeah yeah no no i'm fully committing to this there's been one show where i was about to go on and i went why did i decide to do it like this but they sent me to a physiotherapist, like a physio, but ahead of the, before I got any injuries. So we're in the rehearsal stage and I went along there and he left his door open as well,

which made this doubly odd. And he said, right, so the, and it's like, there's this place where it's physio, but when you go in there, behind the desk, they've got all like, it's, you know, like, cats, Leigh Mays, like all of the West End shows. I thought you meant in jars. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Just, so all of the, you know, Dreamgirls. So it's basically this one physio that does all of the, for all the dancers, you see. And then, so I went along, and he said, right, he said, so they've told me that it's quite a physical thing and you're quite contorted, and so just tell me what you, show me what you're going to do in the show.

And I tentatively at first went, I'll just hunch back, he went, no, no, show me. So I was in the guy's, you know, examination room, fully hunched over, I did a bit of the dancing jumped up on his table doors open there's people in there for like sports injuries

and I'm in a room with much did you actually jump on his table? yeah I did a lot you know the bit where they think he's paying you

at that point you know in the lab when the switches you know everything's exploding and I sort of fall over and I sort of fall over and I get thrown across

so that's falling on the floor and everything and they give me a full like workout routine to do to counteract the humpage but you don't do it

yeah I do oh do you yeah yeah yeah oh I got to yeah prehab they call that prehab innit is that yeah yeah

it's to put off the injury there's rehab for after it prehab that's what you're doing. Yeah. Alan's our PE chorus. That's right. I went out with a dancer

and in her contract she used to have a massage and ice bath. Yeah. Yeah. It turns out you've got to take all this stuff seriously.

Yeah. Because I was going, yeah, I'll be fine. And then, you know, people are rolling out, you've got their foam rollers and stuff and you're thinking, you must have knee pads on, have you, under there? out, you've got their foam rollers and stuff, and you're thinking...

You must have knee pads on, have you, under there? Oh, I'll ruin the magic of theatre. Oh, OK, well, I mean... I don't want that glimpse behind the curtain. Absolutely. No-one would say that he didn't throw himself into the park. Yes, absolutely. I forgot my knee pads one night.

Oh, God. Oh, dear. Oh, I suffered. Haven't we all, dear? Oh, yes. LAUGHTER Oh, dear. Oh, I suffered. Haven't we all, dear? Oh, yes. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We're with Ross Noble, who's currently playing Igor in Young Frankenstein. No, everyone went back. We went and saw you. Everyone went back, and I didn't go back last night. Yeah, I was worried. I'm sorry about that. That's fine. I was informed that you can only do prayers once.

No, I... What he said was he prefers compliments on the radio. I said, I'm sure Ross would rather hear me say it on the radio than in some small room. At which point, everybody involved said, it's not either or. But if I'd have given it any

less today Ross would have said no but what I think you said last night no no no no I wouldn't I honestly

wouldn't we're not all like you Frank we're just like honestly I was just glad that you came well I'll tell you

what I did enjoy it was at the Garrick Theatre. Yes. And David Garrick, there's a story, yeah. He was a famous 18th century actor, and Samuel Johnson, who I love, said to him, I'll come no more backstage, Davey,

because the actress's white bobbies and silk stockings excite my amorous propensity. Wow. I'm now even more gutted that you didn't come backstage and we could have organised it so that we were near the door of the ladies' ensemble dressing room. I don't think that's a good idea. What did you think of the show, Frank?

Well. It would have been too much. Here's an interesting thing. I was going, well. It would have been too much. Here's an interesting thing. Actually, talking about your general... You know your idea for the... I'll bail out of that sentence.

You know your idea for the... Yes, you know, the anecdote light. Oh, yes. Which I think is the greatest... Have you talked about this on air before? Yeah, I think you have, Frank. It's in restaurants. When you're telling an anecdote, you put a light on

so the white, it doesn't come off. Which is, you know, which is brilliant, right? And I talk about this a lot, right? Now, I actually, like, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to massively name drop here, but I was having dinner with Mel Brooks, right? Because it's a Mel Brooks show, right? And I told him about your anecdote.

Oh, shut up. Yeah, I did, yeah. And he thought it was a brilliant idea. Because, how's this? Because I thought of you, right? Because we were... This is myself and Mel Brooks, comedy legend. We were having dinner, right?

I was in the middle of a story, and I was like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and I was just, just building to the end of the story, and Mel could tell, he could sense it, and the waiter walked over, and he turned around, but how's this? And you just, straight away, you popped into my head. He turned around and he went, to the waiter,

he put his hand up and he went, wait! He's telling a story! Not yet! And he turns to me and he goes, right, go! And I went, and then such and such, blah, blah, blah, and it turned out it was a zebra. And everyone, ha, ha, ha, ha. He went, okay, now ask him what he wants to drink. and I went and then such and such blah blah blah and it turned out it was a zebra and everyone he went okay

now ask him what he wants to drink what about it what about if the anecdote hadn't gotten that well that would have been a pressure man what a night

look I should say as well before we end that you're also you're on tour next year I am yes El Hablador yeah

what does that mean El Hablador it Yeah. What does that mean, El? It means the talkative one. Or the storyteller. Oh, OK. Well, that's true enough. And that will be... It's on sale now. All over the place.

Yeah, 9th of September to the 14th of December. Including three nights at Warwick Arts Centre, which is where I went to university. And is within the confines of... Is it part of the City of Culture? Well, I should think so. It's close enough, yeah. I saw the Boomtown Rats there.

Oh, lovely. And Bauhaus. There we go. And Roger McGough. There you go, the big three. Setting the bar pretty high. That sounds like Leslie Joseph's dressing room after every show.

And my TV show as well, Off Road, is on Dave as well. Yes, when does that start? It started this week. You can get the first episode on Catch Up and then it's on eight o'clock

on a Thursday night. There we go. Well done. I've got an old mattress I need getting rid of if anyone wants that. He's five pounds. Five pounds?

Five pounds. Plugging everything. You can get more on eBay for Ross Noble's old mattress. Also, if you've been sleeping

in the hump, the memory foam will be irreparable. It's like another Samuel Johnson book. I don't want anything where liquid's going to gather into a pool. Ross, it's been so brief. It's been lovely, though. But let's go and eat now, and then we can talk with a more free use of bad language.

Marvellous. It's tense. I've been tense. Anyway, look, thank you so much for listening. It was great to have you on, Ross. Next time, come in earlier. Let's do the whole show. I'd love to.

Okay. And thank you so much. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. I'd love to. across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.