The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Ballet Link

Episode Date: November 28, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the team discuss Frank's induction to the Radio Hall of Fame, Buzz's new bed, Strictly and Frank 'terrible' ballet link.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran this morning. You can email our show through the Absolute Radio website or you can tweet us on our Twitter account, which is at Frank on the radio, or you

can text us on 81215. Oh, Frank. Such composure. No, it's the way you said, you can tweet us on our Twitter account. Yeah. Oh, it's so cute. Account, not handle. We've got some older listeners, let's break them in a bit gentle. We've got some older presenters.

We certainly have. Let's face it, none of gentle. What, some older presenters? We certainly have. Let's face it, none of us are spring chickens. No. But hey, as long as we hit our target demographic... Wish you wouldn't drag Emily in on the age-based confessions. I think we've already heard from the outside world, haven't we? We have. We've had an email that tickled my fancy. I mean, I'm not, this isn't

my monstrous ego, but it is addressed, Dear Alan. Oh, I wonder why you read that one. You should be reading this out loud. Should we just have a pause and silence while you read it to yourself? It's obviously a regular listener, reader. Brackets, hopefully

you're doing a Friday night email troll. I like to look through the ones that we've had. Oh, they know about that. I think it's when you're on telly that reminds them to email in. Alan loves a Friday nighter. I only do television now as an aide de mémoire for the readers of this show. Well, it's working. Dear Alan

Frank and Divine Miss M, I'll hold the praises it won't get read out anyway. Good point. In January, I'm coming to London, that large southern conurbation, and I'd love to meet some legends. Watch the show. Join you for brunch or even coffee. It's packed.

One thing there is not a shortage of in London is legends. There's so many legends. So you'd like to watch the show. Join you for brunch or even coffee. Nothing would be better than that. I'm Northern Christianian i beg to differ hang on we'll work through it i think i'm northern christian and a cabinet maker to the rich

and famous so i've enough geordie chat for all of you if i couldn't meet up then what one activity would you each recommend for me to do in london many thanks in advance dan sounds interesting maker frank to the stars that might be nice for me. Do you think? I love a cabinet maker. I love a cabinet. Yeah, and you'd assume that there's some- Have those calloused hands of the working man. I don't know about you, you'd assume that if he's a cabinet maker, some of those skills would roll out to other DIY around the place, like if you had a shelf to put up.

Oh yeah, a shelf and he'd be fine. He wouldn't be like- Shuttering. Any kind of shuttering. Uh-huh. He'd come in very handy. Yeah. Yeah. Is he- Because my first thought-huh. He'd come in very handy. Yeah. Yeah. Is he plumbing? Do you think he'd go so far as plumbing?

I'm going to be straight with you. My first thought is, is he a nutcase? And I'm not suggesting for a second that he is, but let's be honest, that's always your fear in these things. Is it the fact that he's emailed asking to watch a radio show? No, but, you know, when they're carrying a linen bag, and there's a... It could be something else. It could be a radio and a French stick,

but it could be an axe. It's that thing. And one gets very, you know, wary. Might well be a hammer and chisel for... Well, look, if you guys want to go for it, I'm happy to risk it. Um, okay. Anyway, if he doesn't, if Dan doesn't brunch with us, what should he do?

What's the perfect thing to do in London? You're an outsider, Alan. He can come, he can come, but no personal questions, please. Oh, okay. That means that we'll have to have really normal conversations over brunch. I'm not having that. Yeah, you don't like that. Frank hates it.

No, I put my foot down if they start talking about that. Hey, muggles, hey. A lovely jumper they've seen in H&M. I won't have it. When Daisy producer started saying, when she says, oh, I don't know what I'll eat tonight. Oh, for God's sake. Yeah, I love that. I love that.

Can we not talk about food? No, because, you know, I think you should save that for when you're with your ordinary friends. I think that's perfectly reasonable. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were just, we had Dan emailed and asked about what to do in London. Yeah.

Yes. What do you think? Well, as you know, I'm a fairly major culture vulture, so I would get off the train if I was him. He'll probably get into Kings Cross or Euston. If he walks towards the south, down Charing Cross Road... Are you a policeman? ..he'll eventually find a huge TK Maxx

where he could have a real rummage, spend the whole day in there and he'll go back feeling really great about himself. Is that not used in London? I think that's a terrible terrible suggestion. I've got a lovely one, Frank. You buy an orange tracksuit top and then on the way

out there's some vases, some vases for sale amidst all the leisure wear. Yep. there's a lot of clutter there's a lot of it's very jumble sale it's very tory mp with a t-shirt over a shirt at the local jumble so i don't think they should have a front door on tk max they should have a big car boot i've got a much better idea don't mind me saying oh It's going to be like a museum or a gallery. No, it's not. Kayaking on the Thames. No. There's a company called Secret Adventures.

I've joined it recently. I'll be talking about this later. And they do all sorts of strange things. But kayaking... If I joined a company called Secret Adventures, I'd be very disappointed if they suggested kayaking. Yeah. How great is that, though, Frank?

I've seen people going down the Thames on kayaks. It'll be me next. Can you do an Eskimo roll? Because I'm starving, I don't know about you. No, it's the one when you go under and then you shrug up and you come back up. Obviously,

if you did that in the Thames, you'd dissolve. I wouldn't do that in the Thames, yeah. A bit of a canoe, a bit of a paddle boarding you can do. It's always looked so terrifying. Okay, well, they can try that. Yeah, try that. It's the shipping that would worry me, though. What about, what if some big boat comes past and you're just in a little kayak? That would be unnerving. There's a right-of-way thing, there's, you know... Is there? Yeah. Oh, right. There's rules. There's always rules, Alan. If you dig a little bit... There's always rules. Is there, like, a waterway code, like we have the highway code. There's rules. There's always rules, Alan. If you dig a little bit, there's always rules.

Is there like a waterway code, like we have the highway code? There's more than that. Like if you get to certain bridges, there's certain ones that you go under if you're going one way down the river and certain ones you go under, et cetera. Is there a waterway code? I mean, you're even managing to make kayaking turn into some Alan Partridge thing. I do turn everything boring if given half a chance, yeah.

Given half a chance. Do you recognise that quote? Nope. Frank, we've had some lovely comments. Hang on, we need closure on that. I don't really want to know. We've had some lovely comments from your performance on Hashtag Bring the Noise. Oh, Bring the

Noise, yes. Was it last night? It went out on Thursday. Thursday. I danced. So I'm hearing Martin says Yes, which... Was it last night? It went out on Thursday. Thursday. I danced. Oh. All right? So I'm hearing. Martin says, smashed it on Bring the Noise. Three emojis, a crying with laughter.

Wow. I don't get much emoji stuff from people. Jonas says, some of the best light entertainment I've seen for a long time. Goodness me. You are class. Now, this is praise. You're reading out praise. Yes.

What I like about Jonas is he's then said, hashtag TV, hashtag quiz, hashtag UK. Right. Hashtag music. Hashtag TV. It was a broad scope. Yes, I did actually dance. I danced with Lou Bega of Mambo No. 5 fame. Excellent.

I mean, that's one to tell your grandkids about, if Google still exists then, obviously. But that was exciting. Was Nicole Schozenger on this one as well? She was at my right arm for the whole thing. And very nice. All right? Unblemished.

Oh, yeah. I mean, unblemished. Incredible. Very smooth. Now, this is what she said. Oh. I mean, you can imagine how embarrassed I was. Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio It's been a big momentous times in my household because my son... What's happened? You know, you put your baby in a cot and it's very tempting to leave them in a cot

as long as you possibly can because they're behind bars and there's something to be said for that but he's now um bars my son who's three and a half as um has graduated to um what he calls the big boy bed oh i love the big boy bed the big boy bed i know sounds like something from tom of finland but um it's like a bed it means he's in a bed. You might remember that Wings track. Do you remember that? Keep on. TVB Bombay.

Keep on. Sing it. TVB Bombay. Keep on. All right, all right. TVB Bombay. Keep on. Yes, yes, yes. I can't stop it.

I can't stop it. Oh, I said to Charlie, can you just put Big Barn Bed, just the phrase, on the jingle. These people. I thought we were going to have to listen to that for the rest of our lives. I'm sorry, it felt like I had listened to it. And I was in the Wings fan club, can I remind you? You were in all the fan clubs.

No, I was in the Wings fan club. You and Alan Partridge. I was in the Wings. No, you genuinely is, because Jet, yeah, he likes Jet. No, I was in it, and it was, I don't know how to tell you where I went to. Did you have meets with the other fans? I once did a gig in Aberystwyth. I remember that. Could you have meets with the other fans? I once did a gig in Aberystwyth.

I'll write about that. At university. And it's a drive, it's a very long, windy road. I'm not going into another Paul McCartney vocal. It took me ages to get there. And I got there and I went and saw the ENTS officer. This was in my early days. And there was a couple of photocopied posters of me on the wall saying I was going to be on. And people were sitting

listening to music. And he went into the JCR, Junior Common Room, and he said, okay, are you ready to go on? And I said, yeah, I'm fine. So he switched the music off. And everybody went, oh. And I thought, oh, this is going to be tough. And then he said...

It's like when we do the show. He said, right, do you want to gather around, come and And I thought, oh, this is going to be tough. And then he said... It's like when we do the show. He said, right, do you want to gather around, come and sit close to the stage? We've got a comedian coming on. So come on, come on, get a big... Nobody moved. And he said, come on, come on, get a bit closer now, because you can't...

You're a comedy, you're sitting out there. Come and sit. Nobody moved. He said, right, you get no comedy then. So he walked off. And I said, what's happening? He said, right! You're getting all comedy then! So he walked off and I said, what's happening? He said, no, you're not going on, that's it. And he did some swearing which I won't repeat. And

obviously my first question was to see whether I'd still get paid which was fine. And then this very small, very, very sweet guy in a wings t-shirt came over. Oh, it's a shame. And said, you're not going on?

And I said, no. And he said, oh, I've been waiting here for about two hours. I've been really looking forward to it. And I was just about to say something, and the ENTS officer said, don't tell him. Tell this scum. So that was the end of that. You went away.

Anyway, where did we get to that? I thought the story was going to end and that man was Paul McCartney. No, sadly not. I thought the story was going to end and then I went on and had a great gig whilst they all gathered round. No, I drove home and the nightmare journey all the way home.

Oh, did you feel like a real nowhere man? I did feel a bit of a nowhere man. It's right. I... But you got home and you discovered she loves you. Yeah. Yes. I was very...

He's going for it. He's trying to think of Beatles songs. I know when he's already done. I'm trying to stick to the wings back catalan i'm not with that love but i think i think songs no you're talking about there's loads of them when you're a kid and you're in all these fan clubs you must have had a final effects just to like deal with this is pre pre-filer were you uh in the tufty club um i think i was briefly yes oh congratulations yes um were you tough no i wasn't tough i was a bit tough but i'm a late I think I was briefly, yes. Oh, congratulations. Yes. Were you Tufty?

No, I wasn't Tufty. I was a bit Tufty, but... I'm a late developer. No, it was... Tufty was the squirrel that stopped people crossing the road. Right. He didn't stop them, but he told them how to do it safely. It's sort of often what's his squirrel roadkill,

and you think that's ironic. Yeah. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute radio. So, yes, so... Big boy bed. So, Boz is in the big boy bed.

It's a bit like... Oh, lovely. How's he finding it, Frank? It's like the move to open prison, I think, that people go through when they go um not from high security yeah yeah i went in there on his um the first night he uh he slept in the big boy bed i went in the next morning he was asleep on the floor oh he went rogue frank he went a bit bad i know i said i'll come here on the floor he said oh i fell out of bed i don't think it's quite like father like son that's it quite worked out they get i thought you know i did think oh i haven't fell out of bed for years yeah what happened to falling out of bed my wife fell out of the bed the first night we spent together really

I was sick. I bet she did! I was sick. Legend! Legend! She still tells me off because in my half-sleep state, I wasn't concerned. I went, aren't you going to be late for work? Apparently that's what I said.

She's lying on the floor and I went, aren't you going to be late for work? Why didn't she say the signs then? Why did she? Well, I tell you why she fell out of bed. She was blind drunk. That's true. That is true. Let's not beat around the bush. When's the last time you fell out of bed world i wouldn't even just say for the first night i would say for the first few years

that's the texting when was the last time i just say no woman would need alcohol to to go to bed with hello oh please please please no i just felt rude about what i've got empirical evidence that they do and did okay yeah i just felt that was rude of me, Frank. That was all. Wow. I just don't want to get into the idea of alcohol as a dating technique. No, you're right. All right? Let's just stick this...

Why don't we just stick with love? Okay. What? All right, Mr. Perlow for ten years. That's going to ruin everything for the single people. You can't do that. Anyway, to the big boy bed. People were surfing in my bed.

It was that wet. So in my bed it was that wet um so anyway yeah it was uh and is he enjoying the big boy bed then well what he's um he started uh he's settled now at first he was moving things about which i don't like because we've we've feng shui the hell out of our house it's not to be tampered with have Have you? Oh, God, yes. Oh, that's why that laundry basket is in the middle of the hall. No, it's... Have you? Yeah, I think there might be something in the feng shui. Well, I would say your house is a very happy house.

There you go, you see. Fong, fa-fong, fong, fong, as we say. Yeah. I never sit with my back to the door, for example. Is that right? I don't know, that's a Wild Bill Hickok advice. Oh, right. It's easy to to the door, for example. Is that right? That's a Wild Bill Hickok advice. Oh, right.

It's easy to get them confused. Yeah, that's right. No, I think there's something in. I find an open door, an open cupboard door, unsettles me. Yes, I think that's true. So, let's get that out of the way. So, we bought his bed from a place in Camden Town. Camden Town in London.

Oh, yeah. And it was a lovely place. It was like an old warehouse with these nice beds in. You felt like you were doing something cool. Mm-hmm. And he was allowed to try the beds and stuff, you know. And then I noticed it was an enormous... I mean, you wouldn't even call it a sign.

It was a plaque. It was like a big wooden, you know, when you walk through the long room at Lord's. No, most people don't. Okay. Well, there's boards, people who've got hundreds or bowlers who've taken five, and they're beautifully written on wood. It was like this in the shop. And it was famous people who had bought beds in that shop.

I mean, I know people saying these things, but to up front it, to plaque level. What sort of names are we talking about? Well, I, I, I, Lisa Tarbot was on there, noticed. And, um, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. Really? Yeah. I thought I'd even think of them sleeping

at the athletes. Makes sense, doesn't it? No. Local. That would be an incentiviser for me. Russell Brand had bought a treble. Right. Yeah, so yeah, but it was very... I was a bit... It put me off a bit.

Well, it's quite intimate where one buys one's bed. Do I have to tick a no publicity box? Like when you do the pools? So don't want to go on the... Don't put me on... I'll have one, but... I'll buy pools. So don't want to go on the plaque. I'll have one, but I'll buy the bed, but don't put me on the plaque. Yeah.

Don't you find that a bit odd? Well, also it's going to say Frank Skinner. Does it say bought the big boy's bed? Yeah. I don't know if that's the technical term. I think that's a name that bars himself as imposed on it, the big boy bed. I don't think... I would play the jingle again,

but the show ends at 11 o'clock. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You asked for text-ins for when was the last time you fell out of bed. Yes.

We've received an answer from 938. Morning chaps. I dreamt that my mate Jono was being held captive in a caravan by Jurgen Klopp. I came through the door and scissor-kicked Klopp, fell out of bed. Cheers, Rich Kent. Wow. It doesn't actually say when, but I'm going to assume that it's since Klopp started being a manager in the UK. I should think so.

I have dreams about Jurgen Klopp, but they're much steamier than that. They do. He's your obscure crush. He is, yeah. But that's sort of throwing oneself out of bed. Yeah. I mean, not deliberately. Oh, I love a scissor kick. We also had a request for information.

Hi. Oh, this was actually... Hi? Is this an episode of Glee? I should just preface this. The people listening on the Decade stations won't have heard the chat where we were discussing

the song Diane, because they'll have had a different song. But... Yeah. Somebody, 240 has texted, hi, I'm interested in what the reference to playing a song for everyone Diane, everyone called Diane has achieved. You may as well say to all listeners, because we all get the same benefit

of the music. Yes, but that's a bit like, I'm like those managers say, I'm dedicating this to Derek Welty, who broke his leg playing for us last week. I hope he's watching at home. Dedicating the match to him. Doesn't mean anything. I think 240 is just highlighting that

your words mean nothing it meant nothing but you know i could have just whistled and then you'd have thought well i wonder what he was gonna say even though it would have been worthless but you met you absolutely met the point but you know there might be women um called diane who heard that and think oh new song um with my name in, I'll have to get that. And they've got a whole collection maybe of, you know, like The Bachelor's Diane. I'm in heaven when I see you smile.

That one. I might have that. Anyway, Grandad, it was lovely seeing you this week. We'll be back next Friday. When will you be back again? Okay, next week, love. Okay, bye-bye. Bye-bye. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, speaking of the elderly,

I went and saw Lady in the Van this week. Oh. Lady in the Van is dancing. Did you visit Helen Bennett? No. The movie. No, she's no longer with us, the actual lady in the van. Spoiler alert.

Dame Maggie Smith, I believe, isn't it? Dame Maggie Smith, yeah. How was she? She was, you know, as you'd expect, good. It's about a sort of sensitive, witty writer who gets involved with this sort of mad, sort of slightly scary, completely ungrateful sort of bag lady type. So, as you can imagine, I identify with it quite strongly.

Oh, shut up. And... Please. You're casting yourself as the bag lady in that. It's very good. But I went to this cinema... Tentative, witty writer. And it was one it's very good. But I went to this cinema. Tentative witty writer. And it was one of these, it was one of these cinemas where there's like, you can sit in a sofa.

Do you know what I mean? Oh, right. I love that, Frank. Do you like it? Do you not? See, I was with my sister-in-law. So I didn't, I had no advantage from being on a sofa together because it's basically for canoodling. Oh, you couldn't do the arm round the back?

No, what I really wanted was an arm between us to put my... My elbow kept reaching into air. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It was really frustrating. But on the way in, I stopped for popcorn, as ever. I never, ever, ever go to the cinema without popcorn. Well, when I was with you, you complained, as I recall, at Spectre.

Well, I was worried that their large popcorn was what I would call a medium popcorn, but it was a misunderstanding. Well, you said you were going to call the police. Yeah, well, as I say, it was a misunderstanding. So I said, I'll have a sweet pop. you were going to call the police well yeah well as i say it was a misunderstanding so i um i said i'll have a sweet pop he said we don't uh we don't do sweet popcorn and i said what do you mean he said no we don't do we've got salty popcorn but we will put if you want

we can do a mix we'll just you know we can construct a mixed pop i said well how do you do that so we put sugar in it i said oh no he even said to me you can nip to bodgins and and and uh he said if you like i'll even bring it in like i bring in the other popcorn i'll put it into a cardboard box thing for you and i said no that won't i don't want to do that. I don't want to go... So I was... I was quite, um... I was quite upset. This is the nanny state, isn't it? Is it?

Saying that sweet popcorn's not that good for you. So what's your problem, though? If he's going to tip sugar in it, you knew that you were getting sugar when you were buying sweet popcorn before he mentioned the ingredient. I know, but it's not just... I don't want it granulated just on the top. I want it absorbed. You don't want, it's not tea for God's sake, man. No.

I'll just put two teaspoons of sugar in it. Whose side are you on, Al? I'm with that guy. Why do you even have to have popcorn? Why can't you just go to the cinema? Just watch a film. Well, I didn't have popcorn. That's the first time I've watched a film without popcorn, I would say.

Well, I can't remember the last time. Did your sister-in-law have... Did she go for the salty? The sister-in-law, did she go for the salty? No, she went for hummus and pita bread. Oh. Are you kidding? Are you kidding?

I'm not kidding. It was that kind of cinema. Welcome to North London. Yeah. Wow. We have much to teach you here. Oh, by the way, did I... You know what?

I was talking about... Sorry, Frank, to drop. What about when I saw that at Arsenal? That was a man's goal celebration. He got out hummus. I'm not joking. That is great. He went, excellent!

And then he got out some hummus and pita bread. I'll tell you what as well. We did this thing. She had to come from work. So she said, well, let's not do complete programme, let's get there just before the film starts. But I like the trailers, you see. One of my great pleasures in life is to watch a trailer

and turn to the person next to me after it and go, definitely not. I love that. Also, that's why you said that to me, I'm relieved. Oh, I love that also that's why you said that to me I'm relieved did you think it was a response to the hand on the inner thigh it wasn't oh that though there was a filming with Cate Blanchett

doing a lot of acting a new film tremendous amount of acting and that was enough for me if I see him doing that much acting in a trailer, film's going to be dripping with it. No, no.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Tweet the show on 81215, tweet the show on frank, at frank on the radio. Very good. Or you can directly email the Absolute

Radio website. Wow. Come through that, I think. For people that sometimes wonder... It's a bit of a verbal slalom. Sorry. People that sometimes wonder what we talk about during In Between the Songs. You might think we talk about

celebrity gossip. We do sometimes. Or our exciting lives. But you know what Frank and Alan were discussing in that last break? They've had a lot of problem with that door downstairs. That's honestly what they were talking about. That's what Frank said. More worryingly, when you said,

do you know what Frank and Alan were talking about? I had no idea. I was racking my brains. I was more interested than most of the people at home to find out what I've just been talking about ten seconds ago. The condition of the door an absolute radio. Thank you. Yes, yes.

Anyway, what else? You know what we have to discuss this morning, boys? That door? No, Strictly Gate. Oh, a gate. Yeah, we can do that. Yes. Oh, yes. All the dramas. Because Jamelia has claimed that Strictly Come Dancing is fixed.

Now, if that's true, that'll be the last nail in the BBC's coffin. Do you reckon? Have you seen that coffin? No. It's very ornate. I mean, we paid for that, just remember. That's true, yeah. I thought they could have gone for something a bit more balsa-wood,

but no, they pushed the boat out. She says that Peter Andre's standing ovation was fake. Bit personal. Yeah. Yes, her claim was... I've seen him in a towel. Lovely. Have you really? I knocked on his door. I won't discuss why. No, I was at the BBC once and he answered the door

and only a towel. He was glistening with water from the shower. I think he's always glistening, isn't he? Gave me a hug. Lovely. He never. Not in a towel. What, when glistening with water from the shower. I think he's always glistening, isn't he? Gave me a hug. Lovely. He never. Not in a towel. What, when glistening?

Wow. Inappropriate. That is... I wasn't complaining. No, no, no, no. Oh, I don't know. That's probably our favourite. It's really distracted me.

How was he holding that towel up? Yeah, exactly. Who said he was? Yeah, he sounds dreamy. But she says... What happened with Jamila, she entered into, I'm calling it a sort of Frost Nixon moment on Loose Women. Yeah. This week.

She said, she claimed that she knew she was leaving the competition before the results were announced. And she said they re-recorded Peter Andre's dance to get the ovation. Did they? Well, I mean, a lot of, you know, you do get floor managers at shows who clap their hands above their head to tell the audience to applaud and stuff like that. I banned it on the shows I did. I said, you know, if they laugh, they laugh, and if they don't...

But it's a harrowing ride when you do it that way. But, you know, I was once in a... I was doing an edit for... I did a chat show many years ago. I like the way you talk about your career as if we've never heard of you. I mean, come on, you're not Simon Deeb. The who show? You're doing quite well for yourself.

Anyway, I did a chat show, and I was talking to... I was editing, and I was talking to the editor. It was a very nice chat. And he says, um... Oh, we had... He said, oh. He said, um... He turned and said...

Oh, my. He said, um... We had a... I won't name the show. He said, we had a... I won't name the show. He said, we had a show the other night and it didn't go that well, he said. So I actually took some of the laughs from your last one

and put some of them on that show. And I said, did you? They were your laughs. I said, is that a thing that you'd often... He said, well, you know, sometimes you just have to patch them up. You just use whatever you've done, you know, more recently. And after that, I started listening for laughs,

see if I recognised any comedy shows. I really... I wouldn't say it's upset me, because I don't want to admit to it. But, yeah, the idea that my laughs was decorating someone else's drab shows. Can you hurry up and play the music so I can find out who it is? I've got an empathy here. Have you?

Well, don't say that. What if it was your show that was being used on that laugh? Ouch. I think Alan was at school when this happened. They might have been, they might have used it on, did you do Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat in the hall? It might be that one.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I tell you what worries me, oh sorry Al. I was just going to say, can I just say that in my own small comedy where I identify with your pain there Frank,. I was just going to say, can I just say that in my own small comedy way, I identify with your pain there, Frank, because I was once approached by a member of an audience

after I'd done a live gig, and she said, I've come to see you with some friends. I saw you on, like, on the night I was at the show. Can you hear the drilling, everyone? Sorry, I'm having my tea. Yeah. Frank likes to get dentistry work when I embark on an anecdote. It's a weird thing. I don't have any time. I have no spare time. I have to do what I'm-

Some might think it's attention seeking whilst they're doing it. I'm actually having a brow lift. I'll tell you something, it's looking lovely. It's always Kylie. Hold on just a minute. Take a sip of that weird drink. Oh, I love this drink. Give him another pink pill. This woman had been on the live night of a stand-up show that I had recorded and found me very funny, which has happened on occasion over the years.

Yeah, we've all done that. And she said that she remembered a specific thing that I'd said that she'd really laughed at, but that it had then been on that particular television series on a comic that was not Alan Cochran. She said, they made it look like I was laughing at something else when it was you. And I felt the same robbed somewhat. So her response given to her... Given to, I'm going to say it, a lesser comic.

Oh. That happened to me at the Comedy Awards once. They used a little cutaway of me. I think I was laughing at, er, Jonathan Ross or someone like that. And I think it was someone, I think it was Bruce Forsyth, who's fine, but I would not have been laughing that uproariously. Well, I- It's more of a gentle going, isn't it, with his stuff. Yeah. Okay. I used to love it when he said, you're my favourite. I went to loads of different couples on the same episode.

It always happens, though, on panel shows. You get caught, you know, your laugh is cut onto jokes that you don't much care for. But I just think, you know, let him have my laugh. I have been told that the reason Paul Merton never laughs on Have I Got News For You is they once put him laughing at a joke by someone who he despised who was on there and

he never forgave them so he vowed never to laugh on there again. I'm not saying that's official. I've just heard that. I respect him for that. Now my concern for Jamelia is Len Goodman.

I won't lie. Can I just say Len has been amazing on this? Well, he doesn't seem the type to sort of say, let's let bygones be bygones. I think if you wanted to define the phrase no-nonsense, Goodman would be a good start.

Yeah. I wouldn't want to upset him. I think there might be phone calls. Did you read what he said to Zoe Ball on the It Takes Two? We've all got opinions. It's taste. I like Brussels sprouts. You don't.

That's what he said. Did he know that she did? That's what I was wondering. Like, have they had Christmas dinners in the past? And she's gone, oh, I don't like Brussels. Doesn't it strike me as an obvious sprout hater? No, she looks healthy. I can't imagine she'd force one down for medicinal reasons.

But I wonder if it was that direct about her that she just went, you're right, I don't like Brussels sprouts. I'll tell you something now. I love Len. I'm a good maniac. But when he was on Room 101, he put in all foreign food. That was one of his choices. Oh, do you think that's why he likes Brussels sprouts?

As my granddad used to say, never eat anything you wouldn't want to tread in. That was one of his things. What a bad rule! But now he's doing a date. You're not left with much you can eat. No. Sand and pavement.

But he was hilarious on it. I mean, he was one of our best guests ever, I would say, on 101. But he also put in decimalisation and choice. But he's now doing a daytime show with Ainsley Hario. Sorry, whoa, whoa, whoa, can we go back? Whoa, Ainsley Hario? I think that's the correct pronunciation.

No, it's not. You just imposed some weird French thing that you do. Anyway. It's Harriet. No, it's not anyway. It's not. You've just given Ainsley Hario. I don't know why he bothers with Hario anymore.

Why not just be Ainsley? He could just be Ainsley. He's like Madonna in that respect. But he's doing a show with Len Goodman, in which Len Goodman is trying all sorts of foreign food. Oh, right. I think Len got a commission on the strength of just one choice on Room 101, and now he's been prepared to change his views.

That makes you think, doesn't it? It made me think. That's me thinking, in case you're wondering what that silence was. I'm drilling for your thinking. I just thought I'd demonstrate what it sounded like when I think. I mean, in my head it's a screaming siren, but to the rest of you it's this. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank, I'd like to read you something, which is a text we've just received. No, I tell a lie. It's not the Great Gatsby. I mean, you know, people have got it set. Commercial radio and all that. Yeah. Well, it is quite commercial, though, isn't it? Mm-hmm. That's Darius's favourite book. Is that right? The Great Gatsby.

You like that I know that. What's your favourite book? I love The Great Gatsby. Nice. Anyway, we've had a tweet in from Marcus, who says, my media app categorises your show under music slash ballet slash dance. And it says here, Frank's going to show 8 to 11am music, ballet, dance. Frank, Emily and Alan are here to make you smile on a Saturday morning. People have been looking at the studio cam again.

Marcus says, do any of you like ballet? Over to you, Frank. Well, the first ballet I went to was, I think, Romeo and Juliet in Birmingham. And I was horrified, horrified that I could hear their feet on the stage.

Isn't it awful? You could hear... I thought, oh, I don't want that. I thought they glided. I thought that was the whole idea of toes. Oh, yeah. No, it's like an infestation of mice, isn't it? I did not know that. It's like, you know when you're on a bus

and the school kids get on you and you hear them coming up the stairs? It's like that. Oh. So that was a letdown. And then I went to a contemporary dance event and there was a very, they were amazing. I mean, it was dull as ditch water, but they were amazing.

Their physiques and what they were doing was incredible. And there was a man sitting, quite a large man in the same row as me, who fell asleep and suddenly in his sleep broke wind with alarming ferocity. And a fellow behind her said to his... I think most of him was his wife. He gestured towards the stage and he said,

the body in control, the body out of control. As if it was some sort of demonstration and then uh my last ballet experience was i went to see i don't know one of the big ones and uh not cracker um it wasn't that bad. Well, what's it called? It's something... Anyway. Swan Lake. So, listen, I went backstage to the wig department. And I was talking to the wig lady, because I had contacts.

Of course you did. And the prima ballerina came in, swathed in leg warmers and baggy wool, generally. Oh, yeah, I love that look. And she was sitting having her hair done, and these two girls came in. They were doing a tour, little girls. Yeah. Who I imagine had been raised on Angelina Ballerina.

And they saw this Prima Ballerina, and I've, honestly, I have never seen kids so completely and utterly blown away. They were. You know when Tom, the cat in Tom and Jerry, smells food cooking and he sort of floats in on the vapour? Yeah. They were like that. They were complete.

And I thought, you know, there must be something very special about ballet after all. It doesn't get to me. But these kids, God. They loved it. I don't think there was a joke in that passage. No. Well, we don't have to.

We don't have to, but I feel... You know what it was like? It was a lovely bit of Wikipedia. I thought it was Dolby Unbelief. I liked it. Oh, belief. I liked it. Oh, no. You liked it because it was me not being funny.

All right. I liked both versions of you. No, I liked it for that reason. What was I thinking of? Ballet. What about when I tried to do ballet when I was younger and I was told I couldn't? Is there a joke in this? No.

We need one desperate. It's self-deprecating. Oh, okay. We'll settle for that. Because of my physique, I wasn't cut out for it. Oh. I've got too much junk in the trunk. No, did it all go a bit pear-shaped?

The smoking... Hourglass, how dare you. The smoking French woman who taught me, she basically told me that. When you say the smoking French woman, do you mean she was smoking? No, she was actually smoking. Oh yes, well she's French. I know.

When I gave up smoking, my pledge was I wouldn't smoke again unless I was in France. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Maybe the person that wrote that little description of us on the app

saying what the show's about... Don't talk about ballet again. ..saying ballet, perhaps they knew that we were going to be discussing ballroom dancing on primetime television. So, like, we do turn in dance every now and again. Perhaps it's just a bit predictive. I really like Darcy Bostle. I really like her. She seems nice.

Yes. She's nice. Yes. She's nice. She has a slight... Do you know the S&M nose clip? Are you familiar with that? It's a thing that you... It's two hooks that go into the nostrils and they tie at the back of the neck.

I don't... I can sort of picture it, but I'll probably Google images it later. She looks like a beautiful woman who's got an S&M nose hook. She seems nice. Not all of us have your depth

of experience. Do you think I could end up friends? Do you think I could end up friends with Darcy Bustle? I don't think, I think the trouble is because she's been classically trained, I think she'd find you a bit down at heel. If I'm going to be brutal. Down at heel? Is that a pun on ballet? If anyone in this room was going to be friends with her, I think we know find you a bit down at heel. If I'm going to be brutal... Down at heel? Is that a pun on...

If anyone in this room was going to be friends with her, I think we know who it would be. Yes, it wouldn't be me, certainly. And I'd love... It'd be great to have a friend. I once did a... I conducted a school auction where she'd contributed a pair of shoes, a pair of ballet shoes. Massive.

Tiny. Eleven and a half. Wow. You can't see it under the desk. And the most luxurious pair of odoritas I've ever seen wedged in. Good for her. Yeah, apparently she had them specially made. Yeah.

You know, like you hang about with Adrian Childs, I think it'd be nice if I had a showbiz pal and it could be Darcy. I'm your showbiz pal. Did you forget? Do you know what? I've got a few going spare. You can have one of my cast-offs.

Oh, all right. Fair enough. No, I love all my friends. Sorry. I'd like it to be Darcy. Who's in the decompression chamber waiting to leave at the moment? There's always someone. You can't broadcast that, can you? No, that's classified. Well, that'd be great.

You know, I had a friend who went through her address book with a pen and just crossed out people she no longer wanted to be friends with. Brilliant. Because she thought she was spreading herself too much. Better to concentrate on people she liked than have time with people she half liked. That's a good

Yes, I think that's true. There you go. That's a little tip, a little domestic tip from the show this week. Life hack. Oh, yeah, that's what it is. It's a life hack. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Mike has tweeted us. That's not newsworthy in itself. However, he's retweeted something which I like. He says, help me out, Twitter. Is there a word to describe when initials and surname makes another word? Say, if J.K. Rowling had a brother, Gary, so you use Gary's initial, G, and then the surname, what would you get?

You'd get Growling. There you go. Yes. Yes, it's a phenomenon I've seen about. I wonder if it does have a... A word. A word to describe that phenomenon. Yeah.

I know another example of it. A friend of mine's dad is called Steve Mellon, and so his initials and his name spells Mellon. Oh, yeah. Well, Daisy, our producer... What's your friend's surname? Cousin. Cousin.

Rumble. They're called Rumble. Yeah. And it's Graham and Karen. Yeah. So they've got Grumble and Crumble in their family. Yum. I love that. I love those two.

Yeah, if anyone knows what that phenomenon is called. More importantly, I like the way Daisy's creeping in a little bit there. Yeah, it's all gone a bit TF5 Friday. Who are those blokes with the big U2 heads on dancing outside the studio? Oh, and here's Charlene Spiteri.

I like the fact that Emily turned round. I actually turned round. That made me laugh. Oh, back to the stand that Emily turned round. I actually turned round. That made me laugh. Good. Oh, back to the standing ovation of Peter Andre. Well, I'm always happy to talk about that, as you well know. With town or without? Let's say with. That was our question.

Please, let's say with. Let's do that over brunch. I was once at the British Comedy Awards. I don't know if you remember those. Never heard of them. I don't know what you're talking about. Never missed one. I went't know if you remember those. Never heard of them. I don't know what you're talking about. Never missed one. I went about 15 years without being nominated,

and yet now they have gone and I'm still going. Winner. There you go. Long game. So anyway, it's all about the long game. Thora Heard, if you remember her. Old lady. She won a special comedy award.

Yes, I remember that. I think for Talking Heads, the Alan Bennett, aforementioned Alan Bennett. And she got a standing ovation and she was in a wheelchair. And I thought it was a bit inappropriate. Yeah, I did.

I felt like saying, oh yeah, you can act, but can you do this? I felt like it was just the wrong thing to do. So it's not always. I don't think I've ever had one. Have you ever had one? A standing ovation? Yeah.

No, I barely get a round of applause. They tolerate me. I'm going to start one the next time I see you. I'm happy with a warm-hearted nod. That's what I'm happy with. Yeah, so what do you think? It can't be. They wouldn't dare fix Strictly, would they?

Because if that got out, that would be the end of a national institution. I don't know. No. I mean, I think it's natural to feel slightly sad when you've left. It's like when they leave the jungle. Do you mean sad or do you mean bitter? Possibly bitter, yeah. I think it's sour grapes.

Well, she did that thing, which people often do, where she tried to be nice about Peter. She said, I mean, he tried really hard. She said they shouldn't blame him for what's happened, which is assuming that what's happened is fact. Right. And also sort of blaming him, but saying he shouldn't

be blamed. She's upset, you know, it must be very exciting being part of that show. And yes, I've turned it down several times, but we're all different. Of course you have, darling. And I can't dance. Don't ask me, I can't dance, don't ask me.

That's not what I've heard from people watching Bring the Noise Well, it's a different world So, I can't believe it's all a lie Although, of course, Peter Andre's been involved with some whoppers in his time God Absolute, Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Sorry, I'm still...

Daisy, the producer, just reminded me of Ainsley Harriot. I'm sure that's right. No. Darling, you can't be sure, cos it's wrong. You made that up. I haven't made it up. You have. It's like saying Eamon Holmies.

No, it isn't, cos that's an English name, Holmes. It is. Well, I say't, because that's an English name, Holmes. It is. Well, I say English, British name. Whereas... Kate Garawi. No, no, you're using English names now. Anyway. Oh, so the...

I'm still reeling from the ballet link. Are you? I know. I just told you that was going to be your Rosebud moment. Yeah, it is. It is. That'll be your last words on the circle. The ballet link. I know. I just told you that was going to be your Rosebud moment. It is. That'll be your last words on the circle. The ballet link. It'll wake me up in the I shall hear

the music from Firebird. Giselle. And then suddenly sit up and remember the ballet link. But you know. What did you hate about it? Because it wasn't funny. I hated the fact it wasn't even mildly funny. I'll tell you what it sounded like. Ordinary radio.

Yeah. Oh, by the way, I'm being inducted into the Radio Hall of Fame. Well, I was. That may have been rescinded. You just had a phone call. It's someone regarding the ballet link. Yeah, someone about... All it said was, Re-Bballet link. No Hall of Fame. It was just a... It was a telegram.

You're weird. Terse. Yeah, it was terse. Yes, I know about that radio Hall of Fame. Congratulations. Thank you very much. You're all coming, aren't you? I've been told to keep the date free.

Yeah, lovely. Mm-hm. Um, yeah, so... It's all going to be very exciting. The whole gang will be there. There'll be three inductees. Talking ballet. It's in... It's in Birmingham. The ballet chat The whole gang will be there There'll be three inductees Talking ballet It's in Birmingham

Talking ballet Is that Robert De Niro's waiting Talking ballet We can't say, there's a very special person presenting I don't think we're allowed to say who it is Oh I think we are It's Diomedic Sitwell

Oh It's come out of retirement well not just retirement but the the afterlife uh to present it i wish it was uh she's got the best face of anyone in the public eye ever yeah anyway no it's not it's it's got um it's andrew and charles who some might suggest hasn't got the best face in the public eye ever. Yeah, well, I've been giving him a lift as well. You're giving him a lift? He's already asked. He went, all right, Tim, could you give me a lift up there? I like being driven.

I like being driven. He said that. He said, I like being driven. People say he's very driven, but they don't understand. I don't like being driven. Well, he'll be doing the navigate. If anyone wants to come up to Birmingham with me and Adrian Childs, you know. Dan will come.

Right. Yeah, OK. You know Dan who's coming down for brunch. Oh, yeah, that Dan. Yeah, he's just bought into the whole experience. He'd love that. He might even get some joinery work for you guys. But I'm joining a few, you know, grand Nick Ferrari.

Is he in there? That's not a command to any teenagers listening. He's a very good broadcaster. He is, yeah. And it's, you know, proper people like Joe Wiley got it done, Trevor Nelson. It's not a command to any teenagers listening. He's a very good broadcaster. He is, yeah. It's, you know, proper people like Joe Wiley, Don Trevor Nelson. They don't do ballet links. John Peel.

Uh-huh. You know, so I'm pleased. I was really proud of you. Me too. I was. Fame! The child of Portugal. Oh, that's another word. Fame! The smile of Dana. Fame! That's another word. Fame!

Fame! Fame! Why did you turn David Bowie into Vic Weeds? I thought that was just like him. There'll be people tuning on now and thinking, oh, they're playing Fame by David Bowie. That must be the radio I did. Yeah.

It was brisk. It was certainly brisk, I'll say. Certainly brisk, Enid. A lot of Enids listening to this show. I don't know, I'm eating sick whales listening. Anything's possible. Skinner, Dean

and Cochran. Together The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. And if you'd like to text us, it's 81215. If you'd like to tweet us, it's at Frank on the radio. And if you'd like to email us, it's just straight to the Absolute Radio website,

which I think you'll find on Ask Jeeves. Very good. Or is it Ecosia? Yeah, Ecosia. Was it Ecosia that we used to recommend? Yahoo? That's still going, is it? Roy Rockcliffe. Don't remember that one.

He tweeted us to say you got a standing ovation off us in Liverpool Philharmonic last year or it may have just been me well that's not I just thought people were leaving early to avoid the traffic that's the problem with standing ovation when you're on last you know I'm doing Liverpool

tonight actually I'm on first so if I get a standing ovation at half past eight, that is impressive, isn't it? Yes. This has been no preamble. Can I tell you what you need to check out while you're there? Because I think it'll be very much up your straws. Sure. It's the Pound Pub. Oh. Which I was sent

information on this week. Is it dedicated to Ezra Pound? No. That's right. Funnily enough, no. Okay. All pints are a pound, though. There you go. Thanks for that. That's good info. Is that a good thing. Okay. All pints are a pound, though. There you go. Thanks for that. That's good info. Is that a good thing?

I'm not... You don't want one of those big pints? Big pints. Oh, poor. Makes me bloated. Imagine drinking all that. Wow. It's a lot of lime cordial and soda water, isn't it? Yes.

What else? I'll be driving. We've got to talk about the little boy that hiccuped all the way through singing the anthem, isn't it? Yes. What else? I'll be driving. We've got to talk about the little boy that hiccuped all the way through singing the anthem, haven't we? I mean, I say this as... I'm a father of a son who gets hiccups a lot. And I mean capital letters.

He sometimes goes to bed with hiccups and wakes up with hiccups. Wow. Yeah. Does he want to touch my medallion? No, I don't think so. OK. I mean, we've tried several tactics.

You know my playful medallion, which prevents me from getting hiccups. And you haven't had them since. I haven't had them since. Really? No, yeah, because this is the Pope who was the Pope during the Second World War. And he actually, or basically, to simplify, he died of hiccups. He had hiccups so long, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep.

I'm just going to give you a quick ballet alert. Just be careful. We don't get too ballet. No, okay. I'll leave it there. I like the stop, Frank. Don't sulk at me. I love the story. I like it. He'll be upset if it goes on. I like the fact that Frank has obviously thought,

this cockerel guy's been on the show a long time and he keeps saying he's a non-believer, but I might get him with the hiccups thing. Well, you know. That might be my conversion moment. It does work, though. I just think for your own child, you might try. Yeah, he hiccuped all the way through

the Australian National Anthem. It's very cute. Did you recognise the Australian National Anthem? I know, off by heart. I used to have to sing it as a child. I didn't. I must admit, to sing it as a child. I didn't. I must admit, I thought it was Waltzing Matilda. Everyone thinks that.

I honestly did. I heard that. Because everyone was on about the kid who hiccups. I just heard the National Anthem of Australia and thought, who knew? I knew. Advance Australia Fair. Australians, let us all rejoice. We used to have to sing it every morning and do a salute as well.

I hope you didn't sing it like that. Yeah, I did. Spoken. It's like, come, telly Savalas, if a picture paints a thousand words. He's become an internet sensation now. Telly Savalas, not before time. Yes, yes, he's... The irony of Telly Savalas becoming an internet sensation.

Yeah, that would be weird. When he was Telly. Yeah. Oh. God, what a be weird. When he was telly. Yeah. Oh. God, what a world. What next? What a world. His brother, online Savalas, ironically, has just got his own chat show in Colorado.

So, yes, I saw this kid, ginger head. I always like to see the ginger people doing well. Yes, doing well for themselves. Ethan Hall. The only thing I didn't like... Ethan Hall of Fame. Yeah. Was that the parents had put a waistcoat on him.

And I'm phobic about children in waistcoats. I know what you mean. It's a bit Junior Magician of the Year. It is. I just don't like it. And I say this to the Australian listeners with love, but by Australian standards, that's getting dressed up, isn't it, for his big day.

Well, they don't do jackets, Australians. Yeah, they're probably thinking, he can't go on in a vest and some flip-flops. Yeah, but then an American would say, well, he is wearing a vest. See? We've covered all the nationalities. He's language rich. Isn't he? Yeah. So, yeah, he did wear a a wise coat which it's like

also it's got that sort of you know kids at a wedding dancing to the Beatles it's kids at a wedding slash Ray Reardon slash Ray Soprano Ray Reardon he's a very good player actually Lil Ray

oh Ray Reardon so um but excellently he's not bashful about it. He's said in interviews that he's loving being famous. Well, that's interesting because... I didn't like that. No, you didn't. Because I didn't like the mother going,

no, she was a bit cheeky girls, Mum. She sort of went, now, darling, what were you saying earlier? A bit Margit. She was a bit Margit. She was a bit pushy. She went, what were you saying earlier, darling? Oh, no, she did do that thing. You said something really funny. Do you remember?

Yes, she did do that. But mums do that, don't they? He's ginger. And it reminded me, I was at a Aussie rules game and I was talking to an Australian guy about Terry Venable. Terry Venable's managed the Australian team and then just failed

to get them to the World Cup at the last minute. He was good, wasn't he? He was. And I said, that must have been a terrible night. And he said, oh, we didn't like Venables much then. He was about as popular as a ginger-haired stepson. So I remembered that when I saw that little kid. But it's a lovely story.

It reminded me of a terrible incident in my own life. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, where were we? Oh, yeah, the hiccups thing. Oh, the hiccups. He might become famous now. He says he wants to become famous.

Well, he is, in a way. He's probably the most famous hiccupper since the dude on your medallion there, Frank. Yeah, well, he is in a way. He's probably the most famous hiccup-er since the dude on your medallion there, Frank. Yeah, that's probably true. I don't know if that's disrespectful to call him a dude. No, I think that's okay. I don't want him to become famous for that. What, for having the hiccups? Next stop, Lohan. Come on.

He'll probably be on a reality TV show at some point. Yeah, we'll do John Corley. He's seven, though, is he? Yeah. Yeah, that was my first professional acting job. I wonder if he's at all worried about that dictum, show me the boy at seven and I'll show you the man, that he's going to be a man who hiccups when he's a man. Because at the moment

he's the boy who hiccups. See, if it had been a bloke, everyone would have just thought it was disgusting. Yeah, if it was an adult they'd just think he was drunk. I'll tell you what it reminded me of I was once at the house it was

Thanksgiving and I was at the house of the popular folk singer Loudon Wainwright the third for a Thanksgiving dinner and I was chatting to him and his partner who was a friend of mine, and I had a coughing fit.

And I coughed so heavily I broke wind. This is the most horrible story you've ever told. And I thought to myself, the good thing about the fact I was coughing is that I cloaked the noise. It concealed the noise. But Loudon said, wow! And then he explained exactly what had happened. He described

it graphically. And, you know, I haven't been able to enjoy his records from that day to this. Oh, that is a shame. I know, because I was quite a big fan, but now I can't listen without thinking of that. You said I'd got a great back catalogue.

I don't think I can listen without thinking of that. No, no, I hope all the people listening here, that's not going to affect you listening to Laird Maynard III, who is a fabulous songwriter and performer. But he should have just let it go. I mean, God knows I did.

I know, I hate discussing such things in the morning when people are eating. It's not like me at all, but at least in this one, I'm the... I'm the... You're the villain of the anecdote rather than the hero. Am I the villain or am I a victim? Okay.

The transgressor. That's today's texting. 8, 12, 15. No, let's not. It's not villain or victim. Okay. The transgressors. That's today's texting. 8, 12, 15. No, let's not. It's Frank Villanelle. Let's not go into that. But, you know, if a child does something, it's always going to be cute. Yeah. On one level. My son this week, just before

Emily Dean arrived at my house, I have a thing where I say to him, who's my favourite boy? And then he responds, you he responds that it's him because he doesn't know about my past and and he said to me

who's your favourite man and I said you're my favourite man and he said am I a man and I said yeah I'd say he's three and a half and he said yes I am a man and then I know this is like you know we talk about the funny things they say, but this is not, I'm not saying this for its comedy,

because, as you know, it's non-comedy week on the Frank Skinner radio show. I'm saying it for its wisdom. Now, this, I think, is, I mean, it's, I'm not saying it's politically correct, but it's wise. He said, I am

a man, he said, because I've got a watch and some car keys. Brilliant. And I thought that's a reasonable, if simplistic, summary of masculinity. I said that he should have added, I am a man, in 1977. Yes, but I mean, you're asking too much. Yeah, but it was, like I say, I know women have watches and car keys before you all text in. Yeah. I don't think we'll all text in.

Well, you know, the angry ones. The more active, the more politically active text in. But even so, it's an interesting insight, I know. What makes them mad? Interesting week. I know it's not what insight, I know. An interesting week. Interesting week. I know it's not what I'm paid for. I wonder if I'll get into the interesting radio hall of fame at a later date. Maybe not.

Who's in that, do you think? No, exactly. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Shall we go to the corner? Oh, yeah. OK, just give me a second if you would. We've not been for a while, have we?

No, I'm just looking if I've got... I can't find it, I'll have to use the old one. This thing's a mess. It needs a good tidy. Good God! OK, we've arrived. I loved that Alan one. Yeah, I couldn't find it.

Well, there's always time. It'll be back in the future, maybe. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, as I was listening to the show last Saturday, I think this may be, it might have been knocking about since before then, but it might not, I drove up to a local mini roundabout at the same time as two other drivers. I found myself sitting at this roundabout, trying not to catch the eyes of the other drivers,

as we all decided who was prepared to go first. This is not the first time this has happened to me, and I've been racking my brains to see if I can remember the highway code advice from 23 years ago when I took my test. Obviously, I cannot Google this, as I should know the answer. And you know the rule that you're not allowed to read the highway code once you've passed your test? Yeah. I would dispute that. The rule is that you're meant to refresh your knowledge of the Road Traffic Act since, you know, you've passed your test.

I'm talking about the people's rules. Yeah, the people's rule versus the actual rule, yeah. Please don't have an argument over the highway code. It's so embarrassing. It's been a long time since I've argued about highway code. In your common room. What a brilliant thing to argue about. As a long-time reader, first-time writer,

I wondered if your driving correspondent, Alan, had a view on the best procedure when this happened. I saw Alan this morning, though. Oh, God, it's all me. Except for that link when we talked about ballet. Weirdly. No, you did well. Alan.

Other than that, it's been all Alan, hasn't it? No, you did well to get out of that one. Congratulations. Kept my distance. I'm not going back to that lit firework. Are you absolutely nuts? He's going to store this up now and you'll pay for it. No, no.

You know it, I know it, we all know it. Well, it's not been all Alan, has it? It's too his credit. Because when I remember the ballet link, which I will on a regular basis... On your deathbed. Fair play to Alan, he didn't get his hands dirty. I did.

I know, I dragged you into it. I'm sorry. Anyway, here's what I actually think. I mean, I've read the Highway Code fairly recently. Can I say, first of all, before you give me the details, the way I... My approach to mini roundabouts is a bit like the old philosophical debate. If a tree falls in the forest and there's no-one to hear it,

does it still make a noise? My view with mini roundabouts is, if there isn't another car, there isn't a mini roundabout. So you just go straight over it. I think you'll find that that's the rule. Is it? Well, that's...

Yeah, I understand that. Holy irresponsible advice. Well, it's fine. There's no other cars. It is an important thing. In your view. Good point. Good point.

So what do you do at the... The best procedure, what would you do at the best procedure? What would you say, Alan? Well, I don't think this is in the highway code, but here's how I play it, because I too have had that happen more than once. I disagree with his version of sitting at the mini roundabout trying not to catch the eyes of the other drivers.

I think the trick is catch their eyes. If you do it with bold enough eye contact, they'll let you go. That's what I think. Or you do enough eye contact, and then I think there's sort of an unspoken agreement that whichever car is, or whichever vehicle is nimblest goes first. So if you're driving like a heavy goods vehicle...

Or just follow the highway code and give way to the right. Yes. Yeah, but if you do that, then you're all giving way to the right, because you arrived at the same time. You know when an aperture closes on a camera? Yeah, yeah. It's going to be the cars doing that. So you have to go for nimblest vehicle. Motorcycle goes before long vehicle. Nimblest vehicle is not a phrase, Frank.

It is. The highway code. Nimblest vehicle, I don't think so. No, I'm sorry about the people's rules, Frank. I say the Benz goes first. The Benz goes priority. Oh, that's a good rule. I say I'm not going to catch their eye, because they might have heard the ballet link and as a result just drive headlong straight into me

trying to finish me off. What if on the way to brunch someone's heard the ballet link? I'm going to go down in an elephant man sack. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I told you when I was at the Greenbelt Christian Festival.

Oh, yeah. And I got there and there was a bit of a mini traffic jam and it was three different motorists trying to give way to each other. Oh, that's nice, isn't it? Oh, you've got to love them. That is nice. Oh, on the motor in front, what about the German kid? Oh.

Which one? Oh, no, I know, the boy who... Yeah, that's my favourite motoring story of recent times. His parents were playing the Beatles and Tom Jones. Yes. It's not unusual. On their car... Excellent.

Thank you. My, my, unusual. On their car... Excellent. Thank you. My, my, my. On their car radio. He had enough. What did he... What was the note? He put a note out the window. He wrote help.

He wrote help and then the registration of the car, didn't he? Yeah. As if he'd been kidnapped. And he dropped it out of the car window. Let me get this right.

They were playing help. They were playing the Beatles on the radio and he wrote help on a note. Yeah. I suppose the reader of said note wouldn't know that it was Beatles inspired. No. They would just think...

But then what happened, we should explain, is that someone found the note and handed it in to the authorities and they were swept upon, weren't they? But when you said they found the note, here's what happened. They're on the... They fawn, fawn, fawn after Autobahn. Uh-huh. And they found the note, here's what happened. They're on the... They're far and far and far off their autobahn. Uh-huh. And they see this note come out.

I love your craft work. They see this note come out. Very musical, this show. Yeah, the note comes out the car. Yeah. Oh. This guy pulls over and to pick up the note. It's the most German thing I've ever heard.

Yes. This is very untidy. Yeah. So he picks up the note. Did he say, I don't have a paper, please? And then he says hilfer on it. Oh, is that a German for help?

Oh, well done. So then the whole thing starts unraveling. And then they were swept upon by armed police. Yeah, there was a roadblock. They thought he'd been kidnapped. Amazing. A search of the vehicle. I mean, all they did was listen to Tom Jones. I've noticed so

many levels of German efficiency in this story. The fact that the police were rounded up and there. In the UK, that story would be, oh, he put the piece of paper out and it's still there. It's still there with all the other rubbish thrown out the car. It's side litter. Do you think there are hundreds of children rubbish thrown out the car. It's roadside litter.

Do you think there were hundreds of children doing that this morning when they heard the ballet anecdote on the radio? Don't mention it, you're worse than me. The ballet link. Please. I'm sorry. You're talking about the ballet link. I don't want you to tiptoe around it. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Yeah, so... A child in the car. I have to say, I would be happy to listen to the Beatles in the car, or most Tom Jones. There are a couple of Tom Jones where like if they played Sex Bomb

Oh yeah. Or You Can Keep Your Hat On. You Can Keep Your Hat On. Yeah which to my amazement I discovered were separate songs only recently. I just thought they were the same terrible wicked willy

approach to relationship songs. I thought it were the same terrible, wicked, willy approach to relationship songs. I thought it was the same thing. But it's two different songs. Both awful. I think I might leap from a speeding car if either one of those came on, let alone throw a note out. No, I wouldn't mind Beatles or Tom Jones. No, but you can keep your hat on.

Leave your hat on. Whatever. Whatever! That's twice the same link, you've corrected that. It might be a third time, so hold your eye on it. That's what dads are for, getting the titles of songs slightly incorrect. That's why I love him. My kids have started requesting Oasis in the car whenever we get in it.

I didn't thrust it upon them, they just like Oasis, and now they say, can we have Oasis in the car, Daddy? You didn't thrust it upon them. Buzz sings Hang the DJ. Yeah, that's great. Yeah. But every time I play Oasis, you always say tune. Every time.

He elongates it more. Unless you're calling for throat sweets. I like to think there's a tongue in cheek on that, but maybe not. It's like when I call you legend. I mean, when I was growing up, these kids should count themselves lucky. We had to have things like Ivor Cutler and the music inspired by Brideshead Revisited. Sometimes some Christopher Cross if you were lucky. Oh, wow.

What did your parents play in the car, Frank? We didn't have a car. All right? Absolutely extraordinary. My dad played mainly Richard Tauber records at home. Oh, who was he? He was a German light opera singer. You're my heart's delight

And where you are I long to be I've seen this article about that teenage boy that that's what he was requesting. My heart's delight And where you are I long to be Anyway. I've seen this article about that teenage boy that that's what he was requesting. Morita Tauber. But of course he was German, Tauber. Yes.

Well, also, he said it was a joke, the kid. Who was it a joke with? Yeah, that's... The police say. I mean, where was anyone going to find that? No, it's remarkable

that someone he pulled over to pick up the note. It is amazing. Yeah, but I identify with that child because that is exactly the sort of drama queen thing that I would have done. Frank was reminding me only earlier of the birthday card I once sent my mother, saying, Frank...

Which said, have a happy birthday or you'll ruin my life. Yes, there you go. That is quite dramatic. A note saying help, that seems quite natural to me. No, but the fact they thought he was a hostage, it did remind me that someone once told me that Terry White was absolutely living the life of Riley when he was in Lebanon. And he put a joke note out the window saying,

no more couscous, and the whole thing spiralled out of control. I don't know if it's true. It's the same person who told me about Bournemouth and the not laughing policy. So, you know if it's true. It's the same person who told me about Bournemouth and the not laughing policy. You know, one listens to gossip but does one believe it? You choose.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Shall we go back to the corner? Yes. Oh, they haven't finished yet. Is that the drilling downstairs still? What is that?

Oh, they've left it on. You know, they leave it on when you're going out. That was my vicar. Anyway. Me by gun, me by gun, me by gun mill corner. Okay. Is that what I sound like? Word.

Yeah. We have a missive in like? Word. Yeah. We have a missive in from Lee Foster. OK. I shall begin. In 1986, during a history lesson at my comprehensive school in Middlesbrough... I'm already sensing this isn't going to be a short email. Starting in 1986. My teacher, Mrs Brown, I'm sorry, Ms Brown,

asked that we watch a new TV series called The Monocled Mutineer. I remember it well. For our history homework. The AIDS Doctor. Was it Paul McGann? It was. I remember. I think he was a bit of a pin-up for the mums.

It was broadcast in four parts on a Sunday evening. Thank you for the detail. I think I managed to watch the full first episode and part of the second, but then found something better to do with myself, as 15-year-olds will do. Absolutely awful. And never watched the remainder. In 2006, I noticed this TV show on DVD in Croydon Central Library, which has a very good selection of DVDs for hire.

Well, it did in 2006. We don't know that it still does. So I hired it and watched all four episodes in full. I appreciate the 20 years had passed since the homework was set, but I've been busy. I just wanted to ask if any of your listeners can beat that for a late piece of homework. That's Lee Foster.

That is very funny. This is like one of our late reviews. It really is. Doing your homework. How many years later? 20. Wowee. Do you remember the year?

Do you remember the year? Do you remember the Monocle Mutineer? I don't remember it at all. I do remember it, Frank. Yes. I mean, that year I was 11, so I... Oh, don't start us with that. You don't remember when you were 11?

No, I do remember when I was 11. But what I mean is I was probably busy doing other stuff than watching Monocled Mutineers. Frank, you're not going to let me get away with that, are you? Is it 11-year-old stuff? History and memory. No, I'm not talking about history and memory. I'm talking about an 11-year-old's appetite for historical dramas. Surely it wasn't.

I watched Brideshead when I was eight. Come on. I think you are different. Are you saying strange? Yes. OK. Just different strokes, isn't it? Different strokes. I'll tell you what it reminded me of, and it's something I was talking about this very week to the producer of this show.

It's all got a bit Ronnie Corbett, my producer, seem to be. Yes, and it's to do with Podsy the Bear. Podsy, if you ever look at contemporary Podsy, this is the children in Need Bear, which obviously I have great affection for, we all do, they have repositioned these bandana, so that there is a green dot

directly corresponding to where the second eye would be. So if you slightly squint, as in, ironically, the magic eye puzzles of yesteryear, it looks like a two-eyed bear. Well, I think they're gradually moving us towards...

I think they've had enough of the one-eyed bear. They want to bring him back. And I think they'll gradually, maybe next year or the year after, they'll say the operation's been a tremendous success. Bandana will come off and that will be the eye behind. And I think the bridge for this between modern-day Pod Z and that two-eyed Podsy will be

there'll be one year where he wears a monocle. Just why that eye is just clear enough. And the scarf will maybe go around the neck in a sort of Guns N' Roses style. Yeah, maybe. I'd like to see. Is that Slash? Well, I imagine that'll be auctioned for children in the original, you know, pos.

Do you think there's a financial target? There'll be a bear pos on it, but that's part of the thing. You'll have Podsy's DNA when clowning comes in, which original, you know, pos, pos, bear pos. Do you think there's a financial target? There'll be bear pos on it, but that's part of the thing. You'll have Podsy's DNA when cloning comes in, which is less faces, only a heartbeat away. True. The teddy bear industry will be ripped to pieces by piracy. Bear pos is the worst thing you've ever said. Bear pos is not the worst thing I've ever said.

Did you miss the ballet link? Anyway, my end is my beginning. I blame the Hall of Fame induction. I think it's like the Manager of the Month award. It's the curse. The curse of the Hall of Fame. After that, you just go down the toilet.

Anyway, I'd like to end with a formal apology to anyone who heard my discussion. Finally! Otterly, unfunny and tedious discussion about my experience of ballet earlier in the show. It was unexcusable and I take it back. This is what Nixon

should have regarded his thing like. So, thank you for staying with us and if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Sans dance. Now get out.

The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.