The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Beard Oil

Episode Date: November 29, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank and Alun are joined by Holly Walsh. The team discuss Beard oil, dirty bras and annoying people in the gym. Also this week, Frank tells Alun and Holly about his recently adopted habit of wearing a vest.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Alan Cochran. And we have a special guest. Holly Walsh is with us today.

You can text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Or email the show directly through the Absolute Radio website. So, welcome, Holly. I should say that Emily has lost her voice. Can you imagine her seething with rage? I actually can't think of a person that would be more upset by that.

No, so Emily, I don't imagine you'll be on this earlier, but should you ever hear this, we love you and get well soon. But we love you too, Holly. Well. Yes. It's very nice to... I mean, yeah, I'm gutted that Emily's not here

But it's nice to hang out Yeah, exactly Nice to be here Yeah, just, you know Friend of the show and all that I was Let me throw this in early I was talking to a friend of mine last night

Who said that someone had told him That he was too nice for his own good. That's what they said. And he said it's like it's a weird sort of unsettling thing to say, isn't it? And I thought, I don't think anyone's ever said that. What was the context of this? Well, I didn't quite understand. Was it a lady?

Was it like this guy didn't have much luck with the ladies? No, no, I think it was a business associate that said to him he was too nice for his own good. But I don't mean that people have never said to me that I'm not nice, but I think they think I measure my niceness quite accurately. There's no overlap. Your gauge is bang on. You've balanced good against niceness

and you've got a pretty spot on balance. Well, I think that I'm like a carpet fitter. I cut my niceness exactly for the gap and then put it in there. There's no overlap. You don't have to trim my niceness. So anyone who's listening in who's too nice for their own good,

listen to me. Add a little bit of Gittishness. A smattering. Just a smattering. Yeah, that's all. So I've been up north this week. Oh, how was that? It's a bit colder.

Do you think? It is a bit colder. You live up there. It's true, yeah, but you think that's like a myth. It's not in Manchester, though. Manchester's got a sort of a strange kind of... Well, it was in Blackburn, and that's quite near, isn't it? Greater Manchester, yeah.

But I'm sort of sheltered by the Pennines. It's nice. It's nice where I am. You're sheltered by the Pennines? Can I say, as he says that, he's wearing like a Fair Isle jumper and he has a thick beard. He looks like a man who is literally sheltered by the Pennines in his lean-to in some small foresting area.

I haven't found it cold up north yet this year. Really? No, not at all. But you have an adjusted thermostat, though. I definitely do, yeah. That's just talk. That's all I can do on radio. No, but I mean...

If I mimed that, it would not have worked. If only that was true. We have photos and all sorts on this show. I've got an adjusted thermostat. Well, I actually wore a singlet. Is that like a gilet? A gilet is a furry thing, isn't it? It's like a body warmer, isn't it?

It's a vest, a singlet. Yeah, that's what I thought it was. Did you zip up vest? No, there was no zip on it. It was undershirt and suit, was it? Yeah, I thought undershirt and suit would be better than over. Yeah. Like some sort of...

I'm trying to explain to Holly because she seems to think it was an outer garment. No, no, it's like a middle-aged superhero. I wore my vest over my suit. That would have been... It was an interesting experience, which I'll like a middle-aged superhero. I wore my vest over my suit. That would have been... It was an interesting experience, which I'll tell you about in a bit. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Yeah, so the vest. I can't remember really wearing a vest since I've been dressing myself. Really? Yeah. What do you wear then? If I'm really cold. Yeah, between skin and shirt. Nothing. Air. Sometimes I'll wear a t-shirt.

Yeah, sometimes I'll leave on the pyjama jacket if it's really cold there. Pyjama jacket? Yeah. What would you call it? I mean, I like the idea that you've got a full tailored, a fully tailored... Three-piece pajama suit. I have.

I have got a pajama waistcoat. You never get a pajama waistcoat. Why not for the cold weather? There's a lot of gaps in the market, isn't there? A pajama cummerbund. Yeah. Yeah. But, see, that's what I could have. I could have worn a waistcoat, I suppose. Yeah, you've got a three-piece. But, you know, it's such

a statement. Anyway, I wore a vest and, um, it's all sorts of plushies which I, I mean, to be honest, I've, I've left it off today because I thought I'm back, back in London and I'm, I'm missing it a bit. You know when you do that? It's not being held. Well, I'm not very... I don't really feel it. I'm a scrawny character. I don't know if there's perhaps to be loose-fitting vests. You know when you see Bruce Willis in a vest?

It's stretched to the limit. I look like Gandhi in a white carrier bag. If you can imagine that. That's too much for everyone to think about. Yeah. I have several vests, and I would say the bigger ones aren't as comforting. Maybe drop a size and just feel like you are being given a gentle cuddle by an undergarment. I'll try that.

I'll try that. I don't know if I've got the figure for it. You're a very fine figure of a man. What with your martial arts. Thanks very much. Thanks. But I think I know if I've got the figure for it You're a very fine figure of a man What with your martial arts Thanks very much Thanks But I think I look like I'm being bandaged I'm not talking about appearance

I'm talking about feel No, no You can't see it anyway You're not going to see it No one's going to see it You see Bruce Willis's all the time Unless you're going to walk around the house in it Like Marlon Brando or something

Yeah You know, don't do that Paul Newman I always think of in a white vest. I think you should get one slightly too long for you. I think this one is a bit long. Yeah. You have to keep hitching it up. Yeah, but I tell you one of the,

there's two brilliant things I'd never really thought about with a vest. One is I've basically worn it all week because once it settles, it's quite a long way away from your armpits yeah so it doesn't get any of that damage that like a t-shirt gets you know the armpits are you know they're a difficult area looks as if she may be physically sick i'm gonna say this though i don't have particularly big rotation when when it comes to bras.

Like, I'll wear a bra for a few days. But does a bra reach the armpit? It doesn't, does it? No, the same reason. So that's it. So how does your bra get dirty? Unless, you know, you dribble a lot. What dirt is a bra? That's this morning's texting. What dirt is a bra? Yeah. The other thing I've noticed, morning's texting. What dirt is a bra?

Yeah. The other thing I've noticed, it's great. You know when you put a T-shirt on, it sort of often messes your hair up a bit? A vest, you can take it on and off with a coiffured bouffant. Yeah. You have to take it off in the sort of cross over your arms, either side.

That's how models take off vests. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? You can't just like pull it cross over your arms either side that's how models take off vests yeah you know what i'm saying you can't just like pull it up over your top now i'm gonna have to think about i think what i do is i roll it at the chest and then i take my arms out and then i bring it off sexy yeah i always try to take the least sexy option i find i find myself there naturally the frank skinner show listen live every every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. OK. Someone just texted in to say that you looked hunky. I looked hunky?

A woman called Jill says you looked hunky on the podcast image. Oh, OK. Hunky. That is an old school... I've never... You see, you wear a vest for one week. Yeah. Suddenly.

Game changer. Have you kissed your guns yet? I might have. What are they? Your biceps. Oh, okay. You give it an old... That's what people do.

When you did that in that jumper, it looked like you just felled a tree and you were celebrating. That's the look I'm going for. Recently felled tree look. Smug lumberjack. I haven't kissed my... Smug.

Could I kiss my... Hold on, I'm going to... Yep. You're not supposed to use tongues. Oh, well, I just felt they were really giving me the glad eye. Keep it daytime, yeah? Turn out it was a mole. Oh, what about if you really got into snogging your biceps?

What if? Could you kiss your tricep? That'd be difficult. Oh, careful, careful. Probably need to be a bit double-jumped. Careful, if that beard gets enmeshed in that knitwear. I had a parcel arrive today. I was very, very excited to open it. And, you know, a little parcel, bit of a treat,

getting near to Christmas. I opened it and it was beard oil. Yeah. Not oil for your beard, but oil that's been extracted from beards that you use for cooking. A bit like olive oil. Apparently there's a shortage of olives this year because of the olive blight.

That's right. And so people are extracting it from facial hair. I found it a bit... It needed an extra filtering. No, it was for the cockerel. Can you believe that? Yeah, someone sent me some beard oil. But why didn't they send it to you?

I was misled. Yeah. It is a shame that it said Frank Skinner on the box, so you got excited thinking you were getting something. But it did also say beard oil on the box, so... I didn't see that read that bit. I felt there was a hint that I should apply it. Grow a beard.

No, I meant to you. Oh. Why send it to me? Like, I should... You know when people stand behind someone and start doing the massage thing? Some things that creepy men do at work. Yes.

If I just stood behind you and you had expected a suddenly started massaging your beard with oil. I don't think I've been less comfortable with the tone of a shirt since joining this one. This is interesting. That would just show how close we feel to each other that that wouldn't be an issue. Yeah, OK.

Speaking of co-presenters on this show, I'm currently on tour with Gareth Richards, who used to be in your seat. Used to be in the Cockrell seat. No-one sent him beard oil. There's a good reason for that. He didn't have a beard. But I was with him in Sheffield this week

and he said to me I'll show you something interesting and I thought well I love a bit of local colour and it was a place called Paradise Square and Gareth had visited it before and there was a plaque there where John Wesley had preached this is the sort of thing

Gareth Point says and it was, we stood and looked at that for a bit right but yeah this is what touring is like forget those books about Led Zeppelin and stuff it's mainly plaques of the great preachers but the plaque said

John Wesley preached here on blah blah blah, gave the date. And he said, and then it was a quote from him, and it was, it was the biggest congregation I ever saw on a weekday. And I thought if I'd have took that quote, I'd have left off on a weekday. It's a slightly, do you know what I mean? It's slightly undercotty. I mean, I suppose Sunday's the big day for them. But it did make me think,

Manic Street Preachers. Yeah. What is that name about? Is there a street called Manic Street where people preach? Oh. Or are they people who preach in the street who are manic?

How would you read it, Holly? If you had to guess which one of those it was. Yeah, we'll come back to you. You know that bit you're on about talking and radio? The thing is, you're asking me a big question. You can't expect me to rush into that. Well, let me put it this way. If it's Manic Street, if that's the name of the street where the people preach then when we all everyone says manic street

preachers that's how you say the name of the band isn't it so that's right if it's about people who preach in the street like manic street parking restrictions yes exactly but which i if they'd called it that it wouldn't have been terrible no I'd have been okay with that. Unless they went on with all the hours and all that after being the title of the band. But perhaps all the album titles could be different qualifications on the parking times. Anyway, but if it's about street preachers who are manic, we should pronounce it Manic Street Preachers.

Yeah, it's the emphasis on World Cup, isn't it? I'm looking to you people. There'll be people out there who are fans of the Manic Street Preachers. It's a music station. It's a music station. Let me know what the answer is to that. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I think we might have a Manic Street answer. There's a few people who have said a very similar thing. They've said, someone texted in and said, James Dean Bradfield bussed in Cardiff and the homeless people used to call him the manic street preacher, as in preaching manically on the street. Yeah, so it should be manic street preachers. That's what we should call them.

We've been stressing them wrongly for years because we say the manic street preachers, that's what we should call them. We've been stressing them wrongly for years because we say the manic street preachers. And you'd never say, oh, I saw this manic street preacher in the road today. You would, don't I? You wouldn't. I don't know how I'd say it. You wouldn't say it like that.

I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I'd say it exactly just as you say it. What? I know what you mean. You mean don't emphasise the street. No, you do. You need to emphasise the street if it's a street preacher.

We emphasise the manic. We say manic... What do we say? Manic street preachers. You'd never say, I saw a manic street preacher shouting in the street today. Would you? Well, you could.

You wouldn't. Manic is the bit that's interesting, isn't it? Manic. Do we even call them a manic? It's not good on language. I've had this problem before with desk carts. Oh, yeah, that was awkward. I consider that a foreign language, though, so that's different.

Well, you know, we're all gods of chilling. I don't have French. Don't forget we're all gods chillin'. I don't have French. Don't forget we're all gods chillin'. I'm not chillin'. I've got my jumper on. Is that like bid'niz? Chillin'. It's like I'm gwine to heaven.

You know, I'm gwine to heaven. That one. It's not actually, I mean, to heaven. That one. It's not actually... You know it's pronounced I'm going to heaven. It depends whether there's a place called the Gwine which leads to heaven. Anyway, I think I'm right

about the Manic Street Preachers. We've all been wrong forever and the stress needs to be changed. It's like take that. Take that. like take that. Take that. Not take that. There's only three of them now, the poor salt. Have you seen the pictures of them now?

Just three of them. They were wearing matching shirts. They looked like there was just one of them. They were wearing matching shirts at their age? Yeah, I know. Unlike a boy band. I'm a man band now, aren't I? Three men now. Take that you? But three men there. Take that.

Don't take any more. That's all I'm saying. Actually, it's all right to take them all. Take that. Take them. Take that. Take that. Take them to an unmarked spot.

Hold them until the tax is repaid. That's what they should have done. Ransom. People don't think things through anymore. It's a strange show. I'm glad you came, Holly. Isn't that one of their songs? I'm glad you came.

Yeah, and I thought, it's a strange show is one of their... No, they wouldn't dare call it that. It's a strange show. It's a strange show. See, if it featured somebody called Strange, it would be, it's a strange show, yeah. Think about it. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast

from Absolute Radio. Have you ever been to the Royal Armoury in Leeds? Um... No. I think I might have. What happens there? Is there a lot of armour there? Yeah, it's mainly...

There's lots of arms. Yeah. There's, lots of arms. Yeah. There's, you know, it goes... Did you kiss some guns? If I could have got that, there's plenty of guns there, I must say. Yeah. There was, it went, it's right, there's helmets from ancient Greece, like the real thing.

Yes. Right up to your modern day street murderers, the manic street murderers. Oh, yeah? They sound good. And, yeah, it's... I tell you what, and then in one corner, there's a tiny room, and it's about peace.

No. It's like they've said, oh, come on, give peace a... Give peace a corner. Yeah, and, yeah, nobody puts peace in the corner. That's what I think Gandhi said. Second reference this morning. He's getting a lot of air time.

And not only that, I was in, I think it's in Blackburn. They have a station, at the railway station, they have a big mural of local famous people, including Gandhi. He was from Blackburn? It turns out he's from Blackburn. Who knew? Yeah. He issued the Blackburn? It turns out he was from Blackburn. Who knew? He eschewed the clog for the sandal. Did he?

He was a rebel. No, he visited there. Rebel without a clog. Yeah, he visited there once. And so he gets to be on the mural at the station. He's next to Wayne Hemingway. Is he? Is he the guy from Red or Dead? Yeah. Yeah. Wayne Hemingway. Is he? Is he the guy from Red or Dead?

Yeah. Yeah. Wayne Hemingway. Yeah, not Gandhi. No. Just because I was talking about shoes. Is Red or Dead a shoe shop? I think it was once upon a time.

Yeah. Do they still exist? I don't know. Wayne Hemingway does, though. That could be another text in. Respect to him. He looks a bit like Gandhi as well. Maybe that's the thing.

I think they had Alf Garnett. Gandhi. Aspen Blumenthal, Harry Hill. They had an artist with a very... He just did the one face. He's a bloke who did those iron filings things that you used to get where you used to make the bald man a bit hairy. But it's an interesting place, I must say.

The peace bit, not so interesting. Because peace, I know it's a wonderful thing, is not as spiky and shiny as warfare is. No, it's got less interesting weapons, hasn't it, peace? But I tell you what I always do now, if I go to any place of interest like that, I always have a really good look round, and then I go to the shop,

and they'll have, like, a postcard or a model of something in there that I've missed. Oh, yeah. And I get really anxious that I've missed something that's good enough to qualify for merchandise. What did you miss in the armory? I think it was just a particular flintlock I like to look off. particular flintlock i like the look of um so i'm what i'm going to start doing i'm thinking he's going to the gift shop first and working out what the big merch hits are and then seeking them out basically the gift shop is your greatest hits yeah exactly you go back through the album it's a sort of a guide you know that sort of thing on um is it on amazon when it you know

people who bought this also bought... I'm going to do that in the gift shop. If it's on a postcard, it's got to be worth seeing. If it doesn't make the merch, it's filler. That's a great... One thing I hate is armoury filler. Yeah, if anything, you want killer, not filler, when it comes to armoury.

Killer, not filler would be a good title for an album, wouldn't it, if it was a Greatest Hits album. Or Killer Not Thriller, if you wanted a Michael Jackson tribute. Or if you didn't like it. Yeah, okay. The other thing I found that I really like doing, if I go to a place of interest,

is afterwards saying, because, you know, there was three of us, and then we split up and looked around on our own. And it's finding a really interesting thing that you've got a pretty good idea they haven't seen. And saying, did you see that brilliant? And they go, no, I didn't. And then that's great.

I love that. I really feel like I've done something special with my life. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I was in a motorway services this week. Get you. What a week. And there's a place.

What do you make of this? There was a poster. And you know posters, Holly. Didn't you win best poster in edinburgh yeah did you yeah fabulous so i'll go to you out of all ever all posters ever wow that's pretty biggie including that one of the wonder bra one that got all the press all the cars crashing yeah mine was actually better than that but if you look closely at that it's filthy that wonder bra she's worn it for five days i'd say she's had it on a month.

We've had no text in saying what makes a bra dirty, thankfully. No, I hope they know I'm talking about hygiene and not what makes a bra dirty. I mean, from a moral point of view. Sort of leery, gentle. Yeah, exactly. When it's just a garment, it's just a support garment, so what's dirty about it?

I'm not making that point. Anyway, yeah, so this, it was a shop that sold various foodstuffs that you could eat at. This isn't going to be another KFC chicken dinner trial. Are you describing a supermarket? No, it was one

that you eat hot food at. A restaurant. Well, you know, but motorway services, they're sort of very open and it's like a booze. I love the way you're explaining motorway services to people who probably regularly go. Well, we don't know that, do we? Don't know if our listeners travel. So, anyway, there was a poster and it had a big, you'll like this,

it's a big drawing of a chicken good i'm already on board like you know just sort of a a fully you know because i've got an appetite or because i'm known as the cockerel with them because you've got because you're known as the cockerel with that with the thing on the head and what's it called the what wattle or something is it oh yeah yeah i don't think it's called that but anyway um and this is what now i don't remember this is not word for word, but this is damn close. I wrote this day when I was so taken aback.

It says, this illustration is decorative. It does not represent the actual product. So you could get chicken and chips, and there was a drawing of a chicken, and they felt the need to say that that wasn't what you actually, you don't get a whole chicken with the feathers. You know, it's not like a voodoo threats-themed food thing. What is that about? Is that fear of being sued?

Because someone said, oh, the drawing on there is like a big strident chicken, you know, with all the feathers on and stuff. And look at this. Yeah. What do you think, Holly? I was just thinking... Poster girl. I was in America last week, and they had all these...

Oh, you couldn't wait to bring that up. What are their service stations like? They are amazing. Do they have, like, open-plan booths? Actually, they don't have that many service stations. Really? Yeah. They have...

You drive off and there's an entire sort of shopping centre. Oh. But every time you go into a restaurant, there's a huge... Most restaurants have a big sign that says, we sell products that may cause cancer, various diseases, and we're just stating this, basically, in case you sue them in five years' time. You say, I used to eat your chips, or fries, as they call them, all the time,

and now I have terrible disease. They just, it's all a disclaimer. Wow. Dangerous products to get them in. The lost leader. Terrible, isn't it? But it's not true here, isn't it? Who's going to go to a motorway service here?

I think it was somewhere like, you know, Keele. Who's going to go there and think this chicken doesn't look like that. I'll take this to the court of European rights. No one in England sues anybody. I blame entry lawyers for you. They've given this idea now it's alright

to be in court. Getting your rights. Sounds like Gandhi again. Three. That's three references This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Holly Walsh is with us this morning Text the show on 8-12-15.

We haven't had many texts this morning. I suppose I've just been very closed. We have actually just had... You're not reading them out? OK. We just had one from... Hold on. Don't tell me I'm in the midst of doing that reading. Anything I have to do. I'll put it on hold. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio

or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. You were saying, Alan? We've had a text in, Frank, from Nina215. White bras get dirty due to body lotion, especially in summer when you have a tan. So there you go. Oh, that makes sense, yeah. Doesn't it?

Yeah. But that's white bras. They all get dirty. Yeah, I don't wear white bras for that reason. But it doesn't... You get another two or three days if you wear... Yeah, but it is dirty. It's not less dirty than a white bra.

No, but it doesn't show up. Yeah, but that's not the point, is it? What about the bacteria? If you thought about that. We've also had a text from 710. Hi, Frank, Alan and Holly. Am I getting old? Because I put a cardi in my shopping trolley the other day

just in case it turned out cold. I'm only a young 52 but still worried as only sensible people would think of taking a cardi out with them. I used to freeze in my teens, my mother screaming, put a cardi on, when I went out in December in skimpy tops and now I'm my own mother. Scared, frightened and other related words in the thesaurus.

Thesaurus, there you go. Well, I don't think 52 is young. But, no, he or she has said she is a young 52, so she could be two or three days into 52. Oh, I see. Is that what you mean, do you think? She might be young at heart. I see, even though what you mean, do you think? She might be young at heart. I see.

Even though I'm older than her, I think, like, when I hear people say, you know, he's a young bloke, he's only, like, 31, I think, that's not young. Young is, you know, like, 23? Yeah. Three? Yeah, that is young. Don't kid yourselves. I've learned to accept it. Yeah. Anyway, we all change with age.

Take, for example, Andy Murray, the top flight tennis player, who finally, finally... Finally did it. Yeah, has got engaged. It's exciting, isn't it? I'd love to. Aren't you a little bit thrilled? Yeah.

I mean, I will get invited to the wedding. Do you think you will? I will go, yeah. You know how, like, when Elton John has a party and he just invites loads of famous people to the party? I hope that if they have a similar wedding, you know, they sell it to Hello or OK and I get to be page boy. Yeah.

Do you know the Murray Strokes Sears? No. That seems unlikely, but you know. Murray Sears. Murray Sears. Nice. Sounds like a racing driver. Yeah.

I'm interested that he's white. They've been together nine years. Nine years, I think, yeah. Yeah. Is it because he's trying to avoid a second service because i really like the idea that he got married and it failed i don't like the idea of that but then he had to have he got married again so it was his second service and it was a much lesser like it was a registry of this thing because it's the second... Yeah, just made it a bit safer, the whole thing.

We weren't doing it for that. Does anyone know any reason why these two should not be married and someone just shouts, net? Yeah, and that's because he's been seeing a woman called a net. A net. That nobody knows about. I like the fact that the paper's made quite a big deal of... He proposed to Kim Sears with a diamond ring he chose himself.

He's just been walking in the streets and gone, oh, there's a ring, oh, I should probably propose. But he actually actively chose it. I must admit, I'd probably say, I'd send my PA to get one. And you think he might have done that? He'd send your PA to ask. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

I don't suppose she could actually take part in the ceremony. So Frank's on tour, but he does have a Saturday free for three months. So we're scheduling in a wedding. He's going to shoot straight off to do Christmas Kitchen. We can fit it in that. No, it's... I didn't know that they'd had a fashionable split. You know, it's very fashionable now for audiences to split up. Audiences?

Sorry, that was... Now, I have a friend who's a Freudian who I've mentioned before who says there are no slips of the tongue. They all mean something. Really? So when I think of love, I think of audiences, clearly. Wow. Rather than, that's a sad sign, isn't it?

You were, my audience... Sorry, someone's just brought a sign in with a child crying on it. Just pointing it out as they went past. That was quite a sad one. Sorry, Ollie. It was the idea of an audience splitting when you were sort of 11. And then you've never really recovered. Yeah, exactly.

I used to see half the audience every other weekend. And I don't like the other half of the audience they've got with now. I've got a step audience. It's got a much younger audience that my original audience is now hanging around with and they don't like a lot

of my stuff. They want stuff about the internet. The other audience is a young 52. Oh, look, I hope there'll be more than that if it's half the audience. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So with Andy Murray,

apparently they split up because of his obsession with video games. Yes. Do you know that? No. That is... Do you think it's, you know, that old tennis game that you used to play? That boop. Boop.

Boop. I love the idea of him thinking the other one's Fedra. He can't turn it off. He's obsessed with it. Yeah, what a weird thing, though. It's hearteningly normal, though, isn't it? Because I think he was... Angry bird.

He was probably, yeah. That's what I called his mother. He was probably in his 20s then, like, quite young, or maybe even younger than that. He's kind of normal, isn't he? It's a weird thing to split up as, really. Well, I'd say video games has in many ways saved my marriage really yeah because over christmas when my husband comes to my family's house he just

plays football manager about 14 hours a day and everybody's fine with it he doesn't have to he doesn't have to join in does he play with anyone no no no it, no. Is he playing against any of your family? No, no, no. Are you sure they're fine with it? Everyone's just like, let him do it. Wow. Is he not popular? It's like he doesn't speak the same language as all of us, so we just talk to each other, and he just sits in the corner and plays football manager.

No, the language he speaks, I imagine he's like, well, I'm over the moon. It's a game of two halves. It was an audience of two halves. It's a turkey of two halves. It was a game of two halves. It was an audience of two halves. It was a turkey of two halves.

Do they not think it's a little bit unsociable? No. I think Christmas is overrated as a family event. I think as long as you're all in the same room together. That's why everybody watches TV. Christmas. All you want to do is be near each other. You don't have to hang out, really. play riddles in our family put the telly off and you know my first is in a fish but not in

boat you play riddles no not really oh i totally believe that i like the idea of a family the family who riddles together the only rhyme I can think of. Whittles? I can only think of piddles, I'll be absolutely honest with you. I tried to fight saying it, but you pushed me into it. I did it, sorry. Yeah, I like the idea of the telly off and family doing something verbal. But even on the telly, you talk, unless it's like Doctor Who or I'm On. What's I'm On? Oh, you're on. I'm On. Yeah, it is a bit hard. What's I'm On?

Oh, you're on. I'm On. Yeah, I'm On isn't a new series that everyone loves. It's a very popular show in our house. Shut up! I'm On! Yeah, but you must have a very tolerant family. Do you think the minute the door closes behind you,

they say, well, what about him again, eh? All he did was play that stupid game. She did well. That's what I say. Do they? As long as he does well in the league, no one minds. She did well. You know her husband's the league winner. Brilliant.

He took Crystal Palace to the top of championship. When he goes back to work and people say, have a nice Christmas, and you're saying, well, you know, you're over cop place. Wasn't too bad. It's all right. Wowee. I learned a very interesting lesson about myself this week.

Go on. I went to the hairdressers on Monday, and I was a new hairdresser. I was having my hair washed, and I get involved when somebody is washing my hair in a hairdresser's. I can't help it. Verbally? No.

You stick your hands in? Hands-wise. I've got quite small hands, and these two... You reach up and... I reach up and start, you know, massaging my scalp. Are you kidding me? Aren't you under a drape thing? I get out of...

You free yourself like out of a straitjacket when you're in. I thought that was normal. My old hairdresser was fine about it. And my new hairdresser said... He had a nice easy job. My new hairdresser said, that's weird, what you're doing. Well, that is because you're paying them to wash your hair. I don't like it.

I don't like giving them the control of the leather. See, I quite like the fact that you get involved, because it's a bit of moral support. I'm teased in my marriage, because I got... I thought you meant in the hairdressers. That's normal. They tease me with a bit of... Like Mr Teasy Weezy Raymond. I got my first ever massage in Thailand with my wife.

Oh, hell. It's time for the advert. Hang on, I haven't... It's not that rude, honestly. But my wife was in the next bit, and I didn't realise that it's uncommon to make noises of appreciation. So I was going, oh, yeah, night, yeah, that's good. You didn't say, ooh, baby.

That wasn't being massaged in the character of Frank Spencer. By the way, who says, ooh, baby? But you said, no, you don't do that. You don't say... I was thinking, for moral encouragement, they want to be, like, they know, like, oh, yeah, he's really enjoyed this. Yeah.

Apparently not. No, I do that when I'm trying on clothes in the shop. In the... Whoa! Whoa! Whistle. Wh Whoa! Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute radio.

I do want to ask you, Arlie, as a married person, and you're married as well, Al. I am a married person, yeah. I'm not suggesting you're married to each other. That would be great. That was how I revealed it on the show. That's what a lot of us are about. What a lot of people might not know is you're married to each other.

And then, you know, people at home say, Oh, God, I kept that quiet. Anyway, do you wear an engagement ring, Holly? I wear an engagement ring and a wedding ring. Yeah, when I was a youth, every married woman that I knew, and believe me, there were many, I was a middleman.

It's a rubbish 1970s joke. They all wore eternity rings. What's a maternity ring? Eternity. Eternity. What's an eternity ring? An eternity ring. We can't do grammar. Yeah, it was what you used to get

um, I think pre-engagement ring. Wow. And so every, if you look now used to get, I think, pre-engagement ring. Wow. And so if you look now at old ladies' wedding fingers, be they still contacted to them or in a glass case, you will see that there's almost always three rings, wedding engagement and eternity. And the eternity ring has clearly gone wildly out of fashion whereas in a way it was the biggest commitment of all wasn't it because marriage is till death us do part

eternity is never mind death we're just going to keep going forever so why what happened to the eternity ring the mood ring took over yeah people. People realised eternity's a long time. Let's just see how it goes. See, a mood ring, just gauge it day by day. A mood ring's a bit more realistic. It acknowledges some of the problems of marriage, the mood ring. It's more of a warning sign. Just gives you a heads up.

What you need is the mood ring, but wired around the house, so there's a stone in every wall so you can see when you get home from work. Is this a good day to propose? I'll leave it. It's gone, though, hasn't it? Yeah. Do you think it's, um,

that in that time we've become more educated about what eternity really means? People are like... I'd say we've become less educated about what eternity means. How about that? You heard it here first on Absolute Radio. Do you reckon people just read Dawkins and went,

oh, I can't get an eternity ring, that is a long time. No. Do you know one thing I wonder is why people renew their vows? Because it's sort of like when someone says, lifetime guarantee, and then they'll be like, pay £10 to keep this lifetime guarantee. Yeah, well, I was talking to a couple the other night, one of my geeks who'd renewed their vows,

and I was asking, I said, you must feel that, you know, the battery's losing a bit of power. Yeah, you've got to top it up. In order to have the urge to do that, you must think, well, those vows are a bit rocky. The only people I can think of in the public eye that continually renewed their vows in a big party every year were Seal and...

Heidi Klum. Heidi Klum. They split, didn't they? They split about three years ago, I think, yeah. I mean, it might not work long-term to constantly renew your vows. What I didn't like about it is that seal at the end of it used to go and I thought to me that spoilt the specialness

of it. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I think we might have some news on the eternity rings front. A few people have texted in to say an eternity ring you're supposed to get at the birth of your first child.

Now, that is a maternity... Or is that a paternity ring? Some people are also saying after the first year of marriage. And then there's a few people saying that they give their eternity ring after the birth of the first... After the wedding, which was after the birth of the first... After the wedding, which was after the birth of the children. Different order these days. It's the modern world. I think it's once you get over buyer's remorse.

I think once you've done the marriage, you've regretted it for a bit, and you feel OK about it. That's when you get the old... Get down to Elizabeth Duke. This is getting a bit and really feel okay about it. That's where you get the old... Get down to Elizabeth Duke. This is getting a bit more personal than I was anticipating. When do you get a party ring? Oh, good question. What about marrying haste, repent at leisure?

That's one of my favourite proverbs ever. The idea of repenting at leisure. You just get yourself nice and settled, put your feet up, and you repent. Massively. Well, they've faded away. Yeah. It's alright for Kim Morrie, though. She'll soon be Kim Morrie.

Kim, Kim Morrie. That's what they should do at the Kim, Kim Morrie. Kim, Kim Morrie. Kim, Kim. That should be the song at the wedding. I thought it was somewhat naive in the article of the Daily Mail. It says, the proposal puts an end to years of speculation about the couple's future. And I thought, I'll bet it doesn't. All it does is just change the speculation, innit?

Like, as soon as they're married, there'll be loads of articles going. Yeah, what's gone wrong with their marriage? Yeah, when are they going to have a baby? When are they going to divorce? It's just naive. You're quite right. Naive from the halfway line. That's what it is.

Some football commentary for a long time. What else, Holly? What else has been going on in your crazy life? I have started doing... I've started messaging... Your wag. Are you still a wag if you're married to a football manager? I think you're a wag if you're married to a football manager? I think you're

a wag if you're married or going out with someone and a woman, full stop. Wife and girlfriend. It doesn't specify sports person. It's not specific to sports. I thought you were a gym person anyway. A bit of a gym bunny.

Do you work out? I do like going to the gym, but I've started going to this class every week. It's a Tuesday lunchtime, and there's this guy in it who's sort of made friends with the gym instructor. What kind of class are we talking? It's called Body Blast.

Body Blast? Yeah. You blast your body. I like the sound of it. Body... What do you... What is it, though? It's aer body blast. Body blast? Yeah. You blast your body. I like the sound of it. Body... What do you... What is it, though? It's aerobics.

It's aerobics. Really? It's not aerobics. Jumping around on the spot. It's aerobics. It's to keep fit. Yes, keep fit. Is it the modern keep fit?

It's modern... It's not that modern. It's not modern aerobics. It's absolutely from the 1980s. It's called body blast. It's called body blast. It's called body blast. Yeah, I'm doing calisthenics with Indian clubs, me in white trousers and a white vest.

Nice. Wowee, I really thought that had gone. What, aerobics? Yeah. Well, it's back. It's back with a blast. Well, it is as well, literally. I want to hear more about this we'll come back

in a sec this is frank skinner absolute radio holly um you're doing aerobics so i was at the aerobics body blast and um, um... I think this happens in a lot of classes I've been to, but I really noticed it this week. There's always someone who hasn't sort of got in with the aerobics instructor and is now their kind of new best friend. And, like, they'll...

So, for example, like, at Halloween, this guy came dressed as, like, a witch. To an aerobics class? And everyone's like, what a card. And then he sort of, you know, he'll like high-five the aerobics instructor or he'll sing along to all the songs. And I just realised those people who make friends

with aerobics instructors are officially the most annoying people I've ever seen in my life. You shouldn't do that. I must admit, I've never thought of them as a category before. First was I thought aerobics had gone, but I didn't know people befriended the teacher

like that. He sounds like Timmy Mallet. Yes, that's right. They're like teacher's pets. It reminds me, like, back in the West Midlands, you used to get blokes who not just blokes, all women, who would stand at the front for the whole journey talking to the driver. Yeah.

I'm a mate of the driver so I don't need to sit down, I'll just chat to him. It's exactly the same. Yeah. But they sing along and they really get into it and they feel the burn, they share it with everyone. I think you can use... I'm feeling the burn. They say I'm feeling the burn.

Yeah. Do they? Yeah. Wow. You can use that. They say I'm feeling the burn. They say I'm feeling the burn. Yeah. Do they? Yeah. Wow. You can use that. But they say I'm feeling the blast. Oh, yeah. It's not body burn. Body burn. Yeah, what do you want that?

I went to... Nick Griffin used to do a little... From the BNP did a class called Book Burn. Yeah. I used to go to. No, not really. I... called Bookburn. Yeah? I used to go to. No, not really. Isn't this a chance for you to get a bit of solidarity with the other members of the group?

Oh, we have. Have you got that? Yeah, us and those two. Yeah, I mean, the Timmy Mallets of this world, they're very good for us and them work. Yes. Because then you've got something to talk about to the other ones. But you see, the thing is

it's not a team sport aerobics though. There's no, you know, you don't really talk to the people. You go in, you do it, you leave. Then you get to the dressing room and you take your clothes off and you don't make eye contact because you're naked. Take the witch's outfit off. Yeah. Throw the cape on the floor. Your filthy old bra.

What about if next Halloween you all get together and buy a docking stool? When he turns up in there. What is a docking stool? This is what they used to test if witches were real or not. They used to put them under the water. And then you can get your own back on this man. I'm going to name him. I can't, I don't know his name.

But I'm playing this just for him. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Holly Walsh. You can text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio.

Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We haven't had much contact this morning, have we? We have a bit. You do sometimes say that when we've read them. You know, you sometimes think, oh, we haven't, but we have. Maybe, yeah, maybe. I'm a fool. Don't laugh at me, cos I'm a fool.

Actually, why did I say that? Where were we? Holly, are we still at your aerobics class? I'm telling you about the most annoying people I've ever seen in my life. High-fiving the instructor sounds ridiculous. I've never even seen the blokes with the bus driver do that. I do like it when two bus drivers stop the buses when they're on opposite sides of the road and have a chat.

Have you seen that? I don't mind that, you see, because they're colleagues. But this person at the front, what right have they got to ride on the platform? No, that person is a punter and the person is an instructor. Sit down. But when they high-five the instructor, is it during the routines?

Is it when they're saying, like, do your star jumps? This guy added extra flourishes to everything. Like, he's done it so many times. He's like, I'm building on this. Take it a bit further. Yeah. I mean, I can't tell you how annoying. Similarly annoying people are people who laugh at jokes at the theatre.

You know, people who... Even if they're funny jokes. Like, not funny jokes. There are never funny jokes in the theatre. They're just comparatively funny compared to how boring the rest of the play is. I used to think that until I was in a West End play and then I grew to love those people.

You know who those people are? They would have high-fived you if you'd done a lunge near them. If I did a lunge near them, I think they might have to get me on a drip for my high-five. It would have been almost certainly accidental. I was sleeping for a while. Accidental lunge does sound like an album. Yeah, or It would have been almost certainly accidental.

Accidental Lunge does sound like an album. Yeah, or a band. I went and saw Accidental Lunge at the Brixton Academy. Didn't they used to be Take That? Yeah, they did. Take That. Their new album called Three. That's what it's called.

Which I believe is how many pennies in the pound they pay. Tax. And so you were saying you've been... Have you been on holiday or have you been working in the United States? I went to work for a bit. Really? Gigging. I did a gig.

Have you broken America? Wow. It looks a bit broken. That jaggedy bit down by you. I ch did a gig. Have you broken America? Wow. It looks a bit broken. That jaggedy bit down by you. I chipped a corner. Did you? Yeah. Did you go to break America, though?

An accident at a lunge. Be honest. I went to break it. I didn't even dent it. You don't do it on your first go. Herman's Hermits, I think it was third tour. Was it? Really?

I'm guessing. They are hermits. They are hermits. That's the trouble I think it was third tour. Really? I'm guessing. They are hermits. They are hermits. People didn't even know they'd been there. Their problem was communication between tours. They did it in caves. Herman, he got out and out about but his hermits obviously. They were very stay at home.

So was it good though? It was really good, it was really fun and then in the airport on the way back I bumped into someone from school in LA in LA? wow and I just thought that's so weird you just can't, you know

we had this unfortunate thing of there was a sort of delay and we had to wait around for three hours in the airport so we caught up for the first sort of delay and we had to wait around for three hours in the airport, so we caught up for the first ten minutes and then we had to really drag out the next two hour and fifteen minute conversation. When had you last seen this person? At school.

So you had plenty to talk about, surely. Hello. I mean, there's a reason why I only last saw them at school. Yeah, I guess so. I know, he was a nice guy. But that is exciting. I remember when I bumped into Daisy in Edinburgh unexpectedly. That was in Edinburgh.

Daisy, who I see every week. Just seeing someone when you haven't planned it. Yeah, it's so odd. I think it's brilliant. What about when I got to Heathrow and two of my nieces were there? That was an odd story. In Bieber, Member of Millie, waiting for him to arrive. Is that true?

Yeah, they'd been there since like 11 o'clock the previous night. This is like 7 o'clock in the morning, just waiting for Bieber. I don't always like it, the bumping into people, out of context bumping into people. Oh, I like it. I was once in a swimming pool with my family and a guy who works in a kitchen at one of the comedy clubs I play and swam up and went, hello Alan.

Not out of context, Anita. I don't want people in swimwear who I've only seen in other things, but generally. I've seen him in Chef White. He swam up to me. Oh. Did he have like that little Czech swimming trunks on? He had like a waterproof

chef's hat. Just wore a waterproof chef's hat. Just wore a waterproof chef's hat, like the ones you see on chickens' legs. Yes. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I met a member of my management company, sort of a kind of a senior figure at my management company. We were both waiting for our girlfriend.

Well, I was waiting for my... The same woman. Awkward. Well, I hope not, because they were trying on clothes in a shop, and I sat down, she went into a booth to try on clothes and then I realised he was sitting opposite me, there was like leather arm chairs for the

partners what made it awkward it was agent provocateur oh that is all that is embarrassing so it was a kind of it felt perfectly fine to me before, but suddenly it felt...

I couldn't look him in the eye. Two lechy men waiting for their ladies to come out. That's what it felt like. You know what the women were thinking? How many days can I get out of this without washing it? Exactly. If I just sprayed it with a bit of deodorant, that's another three days.

Yeah, well, respect to them for that. But I found it a strange thing. I felt like I'd let myself down, let him down, and let all our readers down. We've had a text saying, can we add in people who clap at the end of a film in the cinema? I hate that. We seem to be doing a texting of, what do you hate?

People that high-five aerobics instructors. I don't mind people applauding at the end of a film. Really? Really. Yeah. I remember the first time I saw Jaws, when the shark got blown up. Spoilers. Yeah.

Everybody went, wee! A really massive cheer, and I thought that was great. It was just relief. Yeah. And then they did it also. It was just relief. Yeah. And then they did it also at the end of Play Misty for me when the woman dies. Spoilers. Yeah.

Yeah, sorry. Is it re-released? I don't think so. Can we mention anything that happens in any film or book or television programme nowadays without falling into spoiler territory? Do you know which is the best one for that? The Bible? Yeah. Like, if you

said what happened at the end, it wouldn't ruin anything that happened in the previous 45 chapters. What? I don't know. It depends what you're saying. I don't know. If you go, and in the end they all, some horsemen come down and the whole world gets eaten by locusts. That's actually not going to ruin

the plot of the rest of it. I didn't know that. I might read that now. It sounds all right. The thing to do is to mislead them and say, yeah, he dies in the end. When they get to that bit and they say, oh, it's all the end's ruined now, and then he comes back, don't tell them that bit. Oh, that's using spoilers as entertainment. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute

Radio. We asked for texting about people that we find annoying like high-fiving aerobics teachers etc. And 034 has texted people who applaud when a plane is landed. It's like celebrating a bus

driver at each stop. That's a valid point. I bet that bloke who stands at the front probably does that. I don't mind that as well. There isn't enough applause in life. For you. Not for me. There is in yours. You're on tour.

There was a pathetic moment in, I think I was in Doncaster, and there was a massive storm, and I thought it was applause, and it was rain on the roof. Oh, no. And then someone said, Frank, it's just a sound check. You drifted off into some kind of, like, rapturous applause. Were you bowing? And they went, it's just the rain

on the roof. The first time I went on a plane, actually, was to Italy, and it was struck by lightning. And they applauded, and I just thought they'd applauded because we had all perished. But then I realised, I think in Italy it's quite the norm to applaud when they land. Right. I think it's fair enough. If you've ever been on a flight assimilator, it's a tricky job landing an aeroplane.

I haven't tried landing an aeroplane but given how much you find reversing even your car a big nightmare. You are meant to be able to drive it in both directions that is part of the responsibility. It was a later development I think the reverse gear.

Anyway, we only talked last week about people pushing cars didn't we? You got quite nostalgic about people pushing cars. Yeah, I saw someone pushing a car. I thought that had died out. Cut to this one. There's a story in the paper about a plane being pushed by 70 passengers because the gears had frozen up.

Brilliant. I think the brake pads, I think, had frozen. Really? Brake pads? They'd frozen onto the wheel so the plane couldn't move. So they had to push the plane to sort of break the ice hold on the wheel. There was a photo of these. I watched the video of it.

What do you push when you push a plane? They'd all got their arms up on the wings and were just pushing it like they were launching a big glider. I would have got 15 of the smaller people gathered them around the brake pads hot, hot. Bit of hot breath. That's what it needed.

That would have been great. If anyone just tuned in then and got that hot, hot. They got absolute love nest which is our new... Do you know they're launching Absolute Love Nest? It's a spin-off, isn't it?

Yeah, I don't know, I can't see it catch up. I watched the video of the 70 passengers pushing the plane and couldn't help but admire the guy who was filming it instead of doing his share of the pushing. You guys go, I'm just kidding. And also, who gets their phone to work in minus 39 degrees? Minus 52, apparently. Was it minus 52?

That is... You know what that is? Cold. That's cold. You can't help saying... It's hard to comment on it. I didn't realise I was conversing with an expert, but yeah, you're right, that is cold.

I think after five, minus five, it doesn't matter. It's cold is cold after that. Well, I was in Iceland with David Baddiel and it was minus 28. And we went, we did some outdoor bathing in the Blue Lagoon which is a heated

beach. Say that again. The Blue Lagoon. Why? It's a bar in North London that they frequent. The Blue Legume. And it was 28 below. And as long as you got the water over your neck, you were warm, because it was over your shoulders.

So we were in there. And, you know, I could not resist that schoolboy thing of when we dashed back into the thing. Of course, I had to lock him outside for about 20 seconds. I just couldn't. That was utterly and completely irresistible. So he was in hospital for, I think, two weeks. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were talking about them Ukrainians. What pushed a plane? There you go. Nice recap. Thanks very much. Can you imagine that moment, though, when they got out there,

the freezing cold, and one of them looks at the other and says, right, comrades, push. It's ready, OK. You were doing the play. Pardon? You were doing the play. I did everything. Drama, there isn't enough of it on this channel.

I've said that once, I've said it, I think, four times. It's afternoon play on Absolute Radio. I'd love to do that. Shall we put that to them? Yeah, why not? Do you act? Yeah, I do act. Emily was a former child star. Who was she in? I'm emerging. Yeah, emerging talent. Hold on, let me just... That's better. Not emerging anymore.

She was in Diana Triffids. Was she? Yeah. That's very impressive. It was impressive. It's a BBC sci-fi classic. On the subject of them push-starting the play, I genuinely was hoping that it would then do a couple of laps of the thing whilst they all had to clamber aboard.

When I first read it... Yeah, you can't stop it. The pilot might have been doing it with one foot in the cabin. You know, they see Blanks pushing the car with one hand on the wheel. Do you think other people had to get out of other planes? Oh, come on, we'll just give him a push.

Exactly, give this bloke a hand. I was on the bingo bus one night, which is, you know, if you got a bus that was about half ten, all the women came out of the bingo, all got on the bus, and they were very, it was like sort of mega loose women. They were incredibly sort of shrieky and sort of wild. Oh, you mean like the television programme Loose Women? Yeah. Right. No, they weren't mega loose women they were incredibly sort of shrieky and sort of yeah right uh no they weren't mega loose women

and any bloke on there used to get you know come and come and sit by me darling it was all that kind of thing and this bloke um the doors were sticking on this boss and this guy i mean he must have been i think of him now he's incredibly old he's this guy, I mean, he must have been, I think of him now as incredibly old. He's probably younger than me. But no, he must have been, I bet he was 65. And he pushed, he couldn't open the door. The doors didn't open automatically. And the driver said, you've got to push it, push it.

And the bloke went round the back of the boss and started vainly pushing at the back of his double-decker bus. Oh, can you... When he got on, these women were, like, hysterical with laughter. This bloke sat there and it was, like, terrible torture and it meant so well. Oh, dear. Anyway, he died.

LAUGHTER You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast From Absolute Radio We've had a couple of texts in that I would like to bring to your attention Thank you 215 has texted Tree looks pathetic, going to get a bigger one Three exclamation marks and three kisses And then one minute later

Sorry Absolute, not meant for you Three exclamation marks That's a quid and three kisses, and then one minute later, sorry, absolute, not meant for you, three exclamation marks. That's a quid. A quid of a minute out of that. And it's nice that we're kept in the loop. I agree, I think that tree looks pathetic. You're doing the right thing. I respect this person, though.

First of all, that they sent an apology for sending me, but also, I think once I've committed to a tree, even if it looked pathetic, I think, well, that's just it for this year. I'll get a bigger one next year. To actually go and upgrade. Agreed. Mind you, he does have, or she, does have a month.

I mean, they've gone in early. I think the reason why that tree looks pathetic is because it hasn't had its full growing cycle. Exactly. It's still got a month's more of growth in it. It's like the suckling pig of the tree world, isn't it? We've got one coming. An apple've got one coming got one coming this week I think you want to get

once December's around you want to get the tree you want to have a tree already yeah you've got to get your money's worth that's the sort of thing that I'm meant to say

well you don't want to spend you spend a day dressing the damn thing you don't want to be taking it down. You know what I mean? My dad is the same philosophy, different end of the spectrum. He will get it on December the 24th, about 5.30 in the evening.

He'll drive round the lay-bys of Buckinghamshire, where he lives, looking for the cheapest, most terribly damaged... Brilliant. That will be the one that he takes. Put it up, take it down on the 27th. Yeah. Job done. Why not? Firewood. Keep it warm.

Potpourri. I don't know why he doesn't... Strip it down for parts. If he gave it a couple of days, he could just get some discarded ones. Yeah. You know, like getting it... Strip it down for parts. If he gave it a couple of days, he could just get some discarded ones. Yeah. You know, like getting... Yeah, we have Christmas on January 3rd.

Exactly. Where everything's cheaper. Like getting your Easter eggs on Easter Tuesday when they're half price. Not enough of that. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I did a gig in Wimbledon last night. Theatre, not the arena. It's covered. I had an idea. There was an empty box. You know you get the Royal Box there and sold those. So there was one at either side of the stage. So Stokesby is a very good place to see it.

So I said, what a shame to not sell the box. This woman said, yeah, I'd like to go in the box. And I said, well, and there was like, the way the lighting rig was, I reckoned you could climb it. Oh, dear. Into the box. Is this you just saying this hoping that a lawyer will come and service it? No, so I got this,

I said, come on, come on, I'll give you a leg up, I reckon I can get you up there. Oh no. So she got, she was a big, not big in a fat woman, but a big as in like, she was probably like in her heels, probably six foot. And you're not one for manual labour, are you? No, not with my back.

I've got any practice? No, I dare you say that, but yes. And so she started clambering up. The audience were, like, aghast, because she was, like, you know, statuesque. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't mean she was... She was just, you know, tall. And so she started climbing, and this thing was a bit, I don't think it was meant to be climbed on.

And suddenly a member of staff appeared in the box and said, stop, you have to stop now, like a guy in a waistcoat. Not a pyjama waistcoat. No, no, it wasn't him. He'd been sleeping in there. That's why they hadn't sold him. But it, yeah,

so I thought it was a lovely moment. But I got her to sign to the microphone when she just started climbing. Can I establish that this is your idea, not mine? You know, and I'm not responsible. And she said, you know, I take full responsibility. Would that have been legally binding? But you goaded her.

I didn't say... I encouraged. You gave her a leg up. I never actually came to that. Oh, really? Yeah. But you did make a voice to disclaim her

like an American restaurant. Yeah. She had trousers on. It wasn't opportunism. Good, I'm glad to hear that. I actually checked before I offered to help her up whether she wore trousers or not.

She had trousers. Yeah, because I didn't want anything sordid. Yeah. But it could have gone very wrong. Well, I mean, in a way it did. Well, it would have gone a lot wronger if she'd have fell and broke her back. Is this the moment we're choosing to end the show? Yeah, I like to.

This morbid fantasy. Well, I'm leading into the adverts, the first one of which is injury lawyers for you. You know what? I think I might go back to the whole end, the old ending. I'll never repeat. I never found anything anywhere near as good. So you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Holly, thank you so much for helping us out at the last minute today. You've been fabulous as ever. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.