The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Beats

Episode Date: April 2, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank is joined by Holly Walsh and Alun Cochrane. The team discuss Storm Katie, Frank's bird pooh incident and library books.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This morning I'm with Alan Cochran and Holly Walsh has joined us. So, um, I'm gonna do it. Hooray for Holly Walsh! You can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. That's like if Jeff Goldblum read it out.

If Jeff Goldblum was from Birmingham. Well, yeah. I bet he can do a Birmingham accent, Jeff Goldblum. Is he typically called Bloom? I thought his name was Goldblum. Have I got that wrong? Have I been getting that wrong? Jeff Goldblum is from Birmingham. Oh, I see. Goldblum.

Blum. I think that's how people... No getting that wrong? Jeff Goldblum is from Birmingham. Oh, I see. Goldblum. Blum. No one's ever called him Gold Jeff Blum. People have definitely called him that. I don't know, maybe the Royal Anagram Society. I think he is widely called Jeff Goldblum. What do you think, Holly? I actually think, yeah, I think you're right about that.

Oh, you'll never work again. No, no, I'm a big champion of democracy. I've lost my bearings now. That is so abstract to me. Oh. I think it's a blooming cheek. Oh, you would say that, wouldn't you? Yeah. Oh, maybe that's it then.

Anyway, my point is that Jeff Goldblum is his acting technique and we're back it's to say a sentence in a way that no one would ever stress it so if he said good morning how you doing he's like good morning how are you um doing that's that's his method now you sound like like Christopher Walken. To you? You mean Christopher Wild Ken. Oh, as I walked in this morning, I walked from Covent Garden to Golden Square,

which is where we reside at Absolute Radio. A walk of, I would say, some 17 minutes. Right. Is that you or Google Maps? This is just me. Right. Keeping an eye on the watch, because I was anxious not to be late.

Uh-huh. And at my side, this is what makes me think today's going to be a good day, because at my side landed, I would say, the largest deposit of bird excrement I've ever seen land. I mean, I don't know what the bird was. I think it was above the clouds. It might have been a plane emptying its load.

But it was absolutely... It's one redeeming feature is when it landed, the sound it made when it landed was a little bit like applause. But it was... It was, like, first of all, shocking, and then, like, I really felt like an enormously good omen that it didn't lack. Because it was like two feet from me. Isn't it supposed to be good luck if you get hit, though?

Yeah, but I think this would have, I think I might have gone to my knees if this had hit me. Really, I think there might have been some bruising. It was an enormous deposit. So, it's really set me up for the day. A near-death experience? Yeah. Well, a near-dong experience, if you can get bird-dong. Do you get bird-dong?

8, 12, 15. So that was my... And then, this was... What time would this have been? I arrived here at about ten to seven. There was some character going around Piccadilly Circus, I mean, literally around the roundabout, on roller skates,

with a selfie stick, filming himself going around. He was doing spins and all that sort of stuff. Ten to seven in the morning. It's a good time to do it, though. Yeah. Less traffic. Well, I'm sure that was his policy.

Less condescending stairs. Probably only got one from you. Still didn't get zero, did he? Well, from me, I just... My only stare was sort of as if to say, why haven't you got a hangover? I could barely walk that time of a saturday morning for some 25 years and here was a young man doing reverse spins on roller skates yeah anyway i

look forward to seeing that on um face tangle would be something called that yeah something called face tangle ollie i think it's pronounced, Ollie? I think it's pronounced Face Tangel. I think it's pronounced Facebook. I've completely messed it up. It's a bit low-key this morning. I've enjoyed it. I like the Jeff Goldblum bloom. I'm tying up it.

Can you get me a Baraka? We'll sort this out once and for all. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes. There's a few people on Twitter, I've noticed, and text backing you up on the blooms. Aye, aye, aye.

How are they doing that, though? Are they spelling it like B-L-U-M-O-B-L-O-O? They're writing gold dash bloom. Oh, OK. So it's very clear. No messing around. They're saying it rhymes with spume. That well-known rhyme, bloom and spume.

Is there any wireless listening? What is a spume? It's that thing that comes out. Well, it's like a squirt of water, isn't it? No, that's a flume. Like what comes out of a wire. Is that a flume? No, a flume is that thing that you always used to see Princess Diana on with the boys. No, that's a logger's leap.

No, that was the flume at Thorpe Park. No, that was definitely a logger's leap. That was the logger's leap. Was it called the logger's leap? But it is a log flume. It doesn't stop it being a flume. It's a well-known log flume. Call it what you damn well like. Yeah, but...

But the spume... What's a spume? Spume, spumante? I thought... Is it like Asti Spumante? Yeah. I think spume is a squirt of water. Okay.

Like a whale's thing. But I could... God, I've been wrong before. I think it was 80... Back in 88. Uh-huh. What was that? What happened then've been, God, I've been wrong before. I think it was 80, back in 88. Uh-huh. What was that? What happened then? Oh, God.

Don't ask me anything about the 80s. No, exactly, a lot of bad things happened. I was wrong, I was certainly wrong for several years. If you think drinking's wrong. Oh. I know many of our listeners don't. Um, I'm, I'm just, I've just got a text. Can you confirm today's show is

no one ever goes ooh when they get a text like that can you confirm today's show is not pre-recorded by reading out this message I thought I should because we have done some pre-records previously can you confirm today's show is not pre-recorded by reading out this message that's from Steve Jones in Worcester

I'll give you an example of why he didn't need to do that. Because you only just got nearly missed by that bird poo. Yeah, but how is he to know that? Although I wouldn't be surprised if it's not on local news. Yeah. Such was the size of it. And what was it?

It was shot down by RAF. You know, when you sit in that, there used to be a common sort of quiz question where they say, if you dropped a safe out of a window and you also dropped a tomato, which would hit the floor first? And everybody said the safe, because it was heavier. But in fact, according to physics, they hit the ground at the same time. You're aware of this? Yes, which is is heavier a ton of feathers or a ton of

gold yeah well it's not quite the same as that but thanks but it's good for bringing that up no it's similar if you dropped a ton of feathers they'd be dispersed no you're not dropping just this just the way well that's i mean i was on I was very much on the dropping section. Holly Walsh. Say Holly Walsh is with us this morning. In a troculent mood. So, now it says, when this bird excrement, I don't know why I keep going about bird excrement all morning on breakfast. Droppings, you could call it.

Droppings. When the droppings dropped, they didn't land simultaneously. Because there was a... So this bird not only did an enormous dropping, it also seemed to have disproved one of Newton's basic theories. But here we go. When parachutists jump out of a plane, they don't all, six of them, jump out at the same time.

They have to go one at a time. That's how it can get out. No, no, but the parachute is interfering with gravity because it's using air currents. No, but my point is that the way that that dropping would have exited the vehicle, as it were, would have been a bit after each other. Oh, yeah, but wouldn't they equalise in the air? Maybe they wouldn't. Well, no, because that's what you were saying about the safe and the tomato. Yeah, yeah. Maybe it had had some leaves and stuff,

and some of them came down on primitive parachutes. I'd love to have seen that. Some areas of the dropping. That would have been one of the sweetest things. I should have checked it for skulls. I remember at school looking through excrement for skulls. Really? Did you do that?

No. No, we did not do that. What class was that in? It wasn't in class. That was break time. We used to do it with each other. We just wanted to find the Sanwell skull eater. It was the local tabloid bogeyman at the time.

Do you remember, did it not reach London, the Sanwell skull eater story? reach London, the Sanwell-Scolita story? No. Where's Sanwell? Sanwell is in the West Midlands. It's a sort of combination of West... I don't think it exists anymore. Who knows? Someone will know.

They shut it down after the scandal. No, because it was one of these that was... You know they impose a geographical area when they suddenly say, oh, this is now called West Yorkshire or something like that. Yeah, yeah. They did that with it.

But maybe the locals have fought back. Mm-hm. It's not a word I hear. Oh, no, I do get cards at Christmas from the mayor of Sanwell. Yeah. I've got the freedom of Sanwell. Well, well, good for you. It was good.

As you're not even sure if it exists anymore, I'm not sure that's a... No, but that's it with freedom. Does freedom exist anymore? Good question. I-1215. Does freedom exist anymore? Absolute.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You'll be pleased to know that you're texting. Does Sandwell still exist, has been answered. Morning all, yes, Sandwell does exist and we're listening. That's from 483. I think it's more menacing than that. Dear.

Yeah. Yes, Sandwell still exists and we're listening. And on the other side of the coin, we've had a text from 348. Not quite so cheery. Freedom only exists when you have nothing and live nowhere. Basically, when you are homeless. Sad but true. That's their theory. I'm not sure I'd agree with that.

That's probably also their Tinder profile. I thought there'd be some single people texting in and saying, absolutely. Yeah. Freedom! Freedom. Isn't that a song? A John Michael song. Single people texting in and saying absolutely. Yeah. Freedom! Yeah. Freedom. Isn't that a song? Yeah.

A George Michael song. That'd be great if George Michael... Oh, I was thinking of Ritchie Havens at Woodstock. Did this thing called Freedom, Freedom. Remember, he sort of frets the strings with his thumb. Big thumb. I didn't go. Enormous. Big thumb.

Oh, God, what a weekend that was. What was his name? Richie Havens he was called. You'd probably call him Havens. I think he'd got the biggest thumb in show business. He hitchhiked from Tanzania to Woodstock. It only took him a day and a half with that thumb.

Very convenient. It was a long distance hitchhiking thumb. You wouldn't stop for it unless you could take him at least 120 miles. 780 has also texted, Hello, Frank, Alan and Holly. I once got out of a car and went to walk into the hairdressers to get my hair cut and a seagull did a massive poo in my hair.

I had to run back to the car and get my mum to pick it out of my hair, then get a wash cut and blow dry it rather than just a dry cut. But you could have just had it cut out. Do you think that's what all those, you know, the bald men that look like friars, do you think that's what's happened to them? They've just been booed on. Is it a tonsure? Tonsure.

Is it? That's what that hairstyle's called, yeah. Oh, this show's really brainy, isn't it? It looks like a little nest for a seagull. Let me just write that down. I don't know if it's... They don't nest, though, do they, seagulls? They roost.

No, they must nest. I don't think they nest. I think they roost. No, I tell you, they live in birds' nests on the top of boats. That's why they're called birds' nests. They don't live in those. They just sit on stuff. I'm going to repeat that. Where do they sleep? They just sit on stuff. I'm going to repeat that.

Where do they sleep? They just sit on stuff. Where do they sleep? Where do they hatch their eggs? Well, in Brighton, they sleep on the dilapidated West Pier. You can see them just sitting. And I've seen them just sitting on the water at night. Where do they lay their eggs?

I don't know the answer to that. Where do seagulls lay their eggs? 8, 12, 15. In the sky. How are you spelling tonsure? Sorry to drag you back, guys. T-O-N-S-U-R-E. S-U-R-E.

Oh, tonsure. All right, yeah. Got you. Sorted that out. That's good for me. I was in Brighton, actually, this bank holiday weekend. Oh, yeah? How was that?

Well, Horrick and Katie was also in Brighton, so it was a bit breezy. Oh, yeah? How was that? Well, Horrick and Katie was also in Brighton, so it was a bit breezy. Oh, no. Yeah, it was one of those... We put my son on the scooter and he went along the road without any propelling. He just went... He got done for speeding.

For a moment, do you think he quit driving? It was pretty amazing. It was amazing, though. You know, they say kids aren't in high winds. You ever heard teachers say this? On windy days, the kids are more or less uncontrollable in class. Oh, no. He does something to kids and sends them a bit crazy.

I definitely think full moons have an effect on audiences. When I've done gigs on full moons, I think there's been a slightly more wild vibe. Wow, that's an exciting supernatural theory. You never noticed that? Never. But I wouldn't know when there was a full moon. Right. Why?

He never looks up at night. That's one of his rules. I never look up on my way to a gig. That's why. I'm so crouched with trepidation. I remember arriving at a gig and saying, I've just been looking at the moon, and it looked like a toenail in the sky.

And it did, this crescent moon. And there was a sense of disappointment that I'd somehow de-romanticised the moon and made it mundane and domestic. Was that your opening statement at the gig? It was my opening statement, but I've never referred to the moon since at a gig. I mean, I once bitten. Yeah, good to's a gig. I mean, I'm once bitten.

Yeah, good to have a rule. Yeah, God, I'll say. I've got an interesting fact about the hurricane name thing. Oh, yeah. Apparently, when they name storms after women, more people die than when they name them after men, because people don't take them as seriously. Yeah.

No. Yes, true. Do you know the theory about the full moon, that it's because the moon moves the sea, because it's a tidal thing, and we are largely made of water, is that's why it affects people. Really?

What about that one on commercial radio? That's a good text, though, as well. Yeah, what's that? How much is your fluids affected by the actual phenomena? I'd like to ask that bird that flew past me this morning. We played a bit of tidal roulette. You know that thing when you walk right up to the sea and you stand as close as you can

and every now and again you get a really big wave coming and you have to scarper post-haste or get wet feet. That, I would say, is Buzz's favourite game and I've come to love it. The excitement of it, because there's genuine jeopardy because properly wet shoes and feet is pretty horrible. It's brilliant. There must be a system where you could work out

when you're going to get the big splash. No, but if you could, that wouldn't be the fun of it, would it? Well, I think it's like Las Vegas is fun, except there's a few professionals who have worked out a system and make money out of it. Yeah, but you can count things with cards. There's a chance of coming up, but this isn't... I wonder if it's something like every seventh wave.

What, that's big? I don't think it's as easy as that. No, you might be right. I'm clutching it. I think probably the way to look at it is to look at it, isn't it? I think that's what the surfers do, isn't it? They look at it and they think, this one's going to be a big one, I'm going to surf this one. You look about 100 metres back

and then you start watching it come in. Doesn't work. I tried that. Right. And that's conclusive. If you've had a reasonable size one just come in, often it goes back and hits that big one and completely diminishes it. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Have you got a... Did you bring your pipe?

I brought my vape. I told them to email you. I brought my vape. Have you got to email you. I brought my vape. Have you got your vape? Yeah. You're not vaping, are you? Maybe. Oh.

I'm not a vaper. I've never vaped in my life. Okay. Vaping is like, you know, smoking and eating in case you want. It's not like... It's not like voguing. Come on. No. Vape. I bet she vapes, doesn't she?

Madonna. You think so? You reckon Madonna vapes? Oh, definitely. And she's going to have some big elaborate one in the shape of a sort of naked man or something like that. Madonna and her overindulgent lifestyle. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We've got some incontrovertible evidence back on the things that you're asking about. Frank, yes, we used to count them as kids and it was more than likely every seventh wave katie sarah our assistant producer has just said exactly that that it was uh is that from hurricane katie yeah that's from hurricane katie who she knows she blows a bit hot and cold very good um yeah sarah the assistant producer just said that seven every

seven so i love that it's a sort of biblical number. It's great, isn't it? Oh, is that a biblical number? Yeah, seven. Seven. Seven virgins and seven this and seven that. And the magnificent seven dwarfs. Seven eleven.

Right. Seven dwarfs. Is that the Old Testament? Yeah. Yeah, that is Old Testament. Yeah. Also, 377 has texted, and more incontrovertible proof, Morning Frank, Alan and Holly, I used to be a school dinner lady,

and it's definitely true that the kids go mad when it's windy. Yeah. I mean, from a school dinner lady, like, there's no higher evidence. They know. They know, because they see them reaching over the cottage pie and stuff. You know what I mean? When they just arrive like gannets. Yeah, she was a school dinner lady in the dandy.

Cottage pie. Don't they have cottage pie anymore? I'm sure they have cottage pie now, yeah. Now Jamie Oliver's sorted it all out. It's probably sweet potato, isn't it, the top? Oh, there was no turkey Twizzlers in my day. What did you eat? Cottage pie.

And fish on Fridays. It's Catholic school. I love school dinners. I honestly thought they were probably the nicest meals I've had in my life. Do you ever have... Liver. I love liver. Why?

Why? Yes. I love the texture. It's a bit like... Just looking for skulls in the... It's like eating Savory fudge It's got that same

If they made fudge out of blood That's what liver would be Enjoy your breakfast people No one's ever thought out of blood fudge You know that sounds like That's the French word When you've translated it into English Blood fudge.

Yeah. Wasn't there a film? Oh, it was Blood Diamond, was that called? Yeah, that was a different one. Not Blood Fudge. That's, um, yeah. So I love that texture, that same sort of slightly granulated texture. Well, you know what you'd really like?

Cat food. I've tried cat food. What? Well, if you like liver, it doesn't surprise me. I tried cat food and dog food at the same party. I had had a drink. And I think it's a sort of double bluff, because my theory was, you know, it's meat.

If you eat it, I bet it's actually quite nice. Absolutely disgusting. And tasted exactly the same, the dog and the cat. Can I just ask, how bad the catering was at this party that they served you dog and cat i didn't go to a party with catering till i was 35 i just like r kelly yeah ignition have you met r kelly she's a lovely girl r kelly if i could turn turn back the hands of time. Now, people will be just turning in now to Absolute Radio, and they'll think, oh, hold on, I mean, I've accidentally got, um, kiss three.

Yeah? Yeah. Then, darling, he'd still be mine. Oh, Kelly there. Not as good as my Frank Bruno. Here we go. Yes, I know what you mean, Harry. That's for Jeff Goldblum. No, my Goldblum is unsurpassed.

If I could turn back the hands of time. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, I've been doing gigs this week at the Soho Theatre in London. And I've been doing stand-up comedy since 1987. And I had a phenomenon that I've never had before. Maybe you guys have. There was a woman knitting in the second row. Is that right? Yeah. You ever had that?

No. Maybe it's something to do with the age group I'm attracting. Yeah, yeah. Was she a young woman or an older woman? No, she was an older woman. I mean, how bad was the gig going that you could hear the sound of knitting needles? Well, no, I could see the regular movement. They caught the light

occasionally. Oh, you don't want that do you it's alright actually you don't really as she said to me it's only a plane stitch she wasn't doing anything elaborate so she never really looked down so I don't think it

stopped her focusing on the gig there was no clanking of needles you don't get clanking focusing on the geek. There was no clanking of needles. You don't get clanking. You might get clicking at the top end. Just recreating it with two ends. They don't clank. What do you think they're made of?

I don't... Well, two needles. They're needles. They're not... I mean, it's not soft, is it? They're not wrapped up in wool. Well, they are. Well, anyway.

Actually, that's... At what stage does a click become a clank? Good point. A loud click. Yes. I don't know the answer to that. I think a click is a plasticky sound. The clank rings out somewhat.

That would be my view. But knitting needles are usually metal. Is that true? Yes, because they're needles. Yes, but Cleopatra's needle is not metal. And that's because metal wasn't invented then. It's your gig. Damn well it was.

It's your gig we're trying to protect from the percussive sound of knitting needles. The image that comes to mind is obviously the French Revolution. Obviously. Where women used to knit at a guillotine. Isn't that obvious? No, it's not what I would have thought. The classic image of people having their heads chopped off in the French Revolution at a guillotine. Isn't that obvious? No, it's not what I would have thought. The classic image of people having their heads chopped off in the French Revolution

is women sitting in the front row knitting. Balaclavas. Used to catch them in the balaclava when they were still on the needles. And then you could get it bespoke. You could knit it absolutely so it fits. Yeah, you used to see the people hanging off the back of their hand carts.

Like, you used to get those things. Remember those things that used to earth the car so you didn't get travel sick? Do you remember those? What would they be? Are they like things that flap down? They flap down and touch the floor. Is that what it was?

That was the theory. Earth the car so you wouldn't get travel sick in it. Is that that? I thought that was something that if you were, if you needed to grab hold, you could be dragged along behind the car. Well, you could do. I don't know if you detect the weight of a dragged human being. Because I find the gravel sort of makes you not that aerodynamic because you sort of hold your back.

You catch on the gravel when you slide in along the road surface. Do you find that? So, what I don't like is the hands coming out either side of the boot you know that the comedy hands that is a uh i was thinking about this the other day that is something that really people did decide was quite bad taste and then they stopped having them because i used to are you talking about a stick on fingers yeah stick off so it looks like someone's trapped in them. So my parents got a car, a Peugeot, when I was about... Stop showing off. I used to beg them to get one of those,

to get those stick-on fingers, and they always refused. I used to think it was so lame of them. But now I look back and I think, A, they were quite right not to, and B, they're a terribly bad taste. Yeah. I don't know if they were i just it's one of those jokes the first time you sit you see you think oh that's a funny idea to do and then the 8 000th time you see you assume the car's being driven by imbeciles

whereas they might have been that for all you know is that first one you saw that you also thought was hilarious about that about that there's a car round the corner from me that's got those stick-on bullet holes. Oh, that's... Oh, I haven't seen them for ages. It's a really old car, but I don't think you get those stick-on bullet holes. My son wants me to get some for our car. I mean, we live in Manchester. There's a chance that there'll be bullet holes in it eventually anyway,

if we just drive around enough. But I would like the stick-on ones. They'd be good do people still put the names of the two partners on the on the sun strip thing do people still have sun strips oh how often on this show do i say does something still happen because i'm so i'm so out of touch with what's actually happening in the world poor me when i say poor i mean spiritually i'm actually no i'm not poor in any sense absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio um knitting needles chatter apparently apparently. That's great.

And then 044 says, certainly don't want that at your gig. Really? Chattering. Oh, I see that, yeah. See, chatter. You see, I... To be fair to this woman, I should add

that she was knitting blankets for the Libyans. Oh. So I couldn't really stop... I couldn't stop her from doing that. I actually said that as if it was like a get-out-of-jail-free card. Yeah, that is a heck of a comeback. It's like when anybody's got what the rest of the audience are going to perceive as a do-gooders job,

when you say to somebody in the audience, what do you do? And they're like, oh, I help the dot, dot, dot. And you go, I can't make fun of you for the whole night, can I? You've got to move along. I like to think I've transcended that. How's that going? I think the whole word, do good,

the fact that that's a negative term is terrifying. It is terrible. What a person who does good, I hate that. Can I ask you a question? What crafts would you draw the line at if people were doing it during your gig? Wicker work. Wicker work?

I think that on a health and safety thing, because the sharp end of one of those pieces are wicker. You know, sometimes they spring out if you don't properly lodge them in the frame. And you don't want the person adjacent to the wicker worker having to wear the safety glasses. No. They'll be thinking, Frank looks orange. Yes.

Or is these safety glasses... I do look a bit orange since I've been teeth whitening. People are unsure whether my teeth have got whiter or my face has got darker. They're confused by it. But it was, I also thought, isn't it, it's quite warm in Libya, isn't it? Not at night, I don't think. I think they probably need blankets. People always say that

about the desert. I was in the Sahara Desert at night. It was sweltering. Why were you there? I was there with comet relief. That's what I'm talking about. The best way to go. Now we can't take the mickey out. I'm one of them do-gooders.

It's all right to take the mickey out of it. I was fine with it. It was... Yeah, it was an interesting thing, the blanket. The knitter? Well, you know, people knit blankets for the third world. We have transcended the blanket. No-one uses blankets side anymore.

We've moved on to the duvet. True. Why don't we send them duvets? It's a patronising thing to send them stuff. Because you can't knit a duvet. Oh. You can't get a duvet. You can't knit a duvet.

You can't make your own duvet. No, but we could put money in and buy them some nice duvets. I don't see why they should have something that we rejected years ago as impractical. And then that woman could fully focus on Frank's gig, save herself the knitting. She could stitch a duvet. Everyone's a winner. She could have sat there putting covers on the duvets before they went out.

That would not be distracting. She'd be just happier that she just knitted. No, actually, it's a good thing. I was trying to work up a, uh, that what they really need is a sort of general Goduve. Because it was Libya. But I never quite got there on the night. I'm not sure you've quite got there some days later.

No, no, but you two are a tough crowd. Part of it professional rivalry. Part of it that because of your own experiences you've come to hate comedy in general. It's an uphill struggle The Frank Skinner Show, listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio and we're ready to go right here

on Absolute Radio on Saturday morning the sun's shining, I'm feeling great if you want to text the show, we're on 81215 or follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, you want to text the show, we're on 8-12-15 or follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Or you can email the show, the old-fashioned way, via the Absolute Radio website. OK, that's what they want, the readers. And that's what you gave them.

Yeah, but I mean, they want that for three hours, ideally. Oh, exhausting. Yeah. If I could keep that up for three hours, I could go to any radio station in the country. I mean, I think you arguably could go to any radio station in the country. They just wouldn't let you on unless you did that.

No, I could go there as a visitor. Yeah. You get a visitor's pass from front desk. Stand outside the autograph book. Uh-huh. And then... And when people come out, don't ask for an autograph. Say, why do you talking

that voice then what you should do is you should sign the autograph but tear out a page and give it to them that'd be lovely i could have what why i could have a toilet roll it's already serrated yeah do you know what there probably is a market for you giving out your autograph to people that have not requested it you could stand at stage doors, do that. You could go to premieres and do that. Well, it's never happened to me, but I've heard of... I remember Ryan Giggs saying once someone came up to him and asked for his autograph and he signed it and they just ripped it open to it on the floor.

Oh. And it was a sort of, you know, to... Oh, but it was sick. That's only as disrespectful as knitting in the second row. I was all right with knitting in the second row. I mean, it was a diss. That's only as disrespectful as knitting in the second row. I was all right with knitting in the second row. I mean, it was for Libya. For goodness sake. By the way, can I thank Patrick Field,

who sent me a fabulous cosmonaut poster. You know I'm a big fan of... Oh, aren't you? I'm an uneasy big fan of Soviet Russia and a more confident fan of the cosmonauts. And he sent me a fab poster and pointed out that it's the anniversary of Gagarin's

flight on the 12th of April. It's already in my diary. I've got the reminders sent. I might go out that night and just look at the stars a bit. Just for two minutes. If it's a full moon just watch out because people will be wild. And he says,

thanks very much for sending a birthday card after I wrote to you recently for my daughter Ellie. She was really thrilled. What goes around, comes around. When I sent that card it was just a gesture but now I've got a cosmonaut poster as a result of it. What about that? That's the most lunar statement you made.

What goes around around comes around. Yeah. Actually, we did talk about waves. It's been a very lunar morning. And a lot of people have backed up that seven-wave theory of yours. Well, Sarah's dad, apparently, was a windsurfer. Sarah, the assistant producer, said that's what surf... That's surf as law.

Every seventh one is a big one. Yeah. Right. Not Snow White's law. Every seventh one is a big one. Yeah. Not Snow White's law. Anyway, we need to talk about... Hold on, Holly was about to give me a factoid. Oh, were you? Were you?

Oh, was I? No, sorry. Sorry about that. Didn't we get to the bottom of the dangling... Well, someone has texted in. Yes. Yeah. I was saying that, in my opinion,

that dangling strip at the back of cars which dragged on the road was to prevent travel sickness, as I understood it. Well, I'm afraid Ian has texted, strips hanging beneath cars were designed to discharge static electricity to stop you getting the static discharge you receive sometimes when you go out of a car and touch the car door. No need for sun strips these days, as newer car windscreens have them already incorporated.

Do they? That's from Ian. Soliticiously. Good info. I, um... How often have you got a charge from a car door? Oh, I've had a few. I've had a few.

And lifts, lifts in hotels. I tell you, I can't remember. Everyone from a car, obviously they're obviously open for me. Exactly. Yeah. That could be it. That's why, um, that's why chauffeurs wear leather gloves. Oh, and those thick rubber gumboots.

Yeah. Waders. So it's nothing to do, uh, yeah, nothing to do with, um with travel sickness. That's not what we're... You know what? I've been a damn fool. We've also had a message. Hello, Frank and all.

Have you ever seen Vans or stickers with stickered arbitraries on them? Very strange and informative, but how would you sell on the vehicle in the future? What do you guys think? What's a stickered arbitrary? I think he means, like, you know, signage. The signs on Vans. you sell on the vehicle in the future? What do you guys think? What's a stickered arbitrary? I think he means like, you know, signage. The signs on vans. I think he's calling it stickered arbitries. Do you mean stuff like Dave Willis?

Yeah. Roofer. And I hate to dispel any myths that Adam has got, but I actually know some people that work in the sign writing business. Oh, yeah. And those peels that they put on vans, you can just take them off. Just take them off. Did I just go up to a car and peel off the stick at Arbitrary? That'd be funny.

Probably with the right tools. Put it on another car. Put it on an ambulance. And they'd say, oh, that roof, he must be in a bit of a rush. Yeah, you might need a scalpel to get started. You know, like, be in a bit of a rush yeah you might need a scalpel uh to get get started you know like yeah but that would put me if i was buying anything and there was a sticker i thought i couldn't get off that might stop me buying it i mean what about if i was buying a van and my my

intention was to leave tools in it overnight i always think that about those stickers that say baby on board they should also have a sticker that says no babies are stored in this car overnight. Yeah. Yeah. Good point. And there may be the odd pet, but we will leave the window down about an eighth of an inch so they can breathe.

They love a bit of narrow gap breathing. They do. They do. They've got their mouth free if you think about it. Yeah. Get right in there. They could lick the outer car if they if they had a mind to if they're you know desperate for a dead gnat

because it's protein that's what you lose when you're in those cars sweating absolute absolute radio frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I mentioned that we need to talk about David Cameron. Did you mention that? I did. Oh, sorry. I did. But it's fine.

It's a movable feast, isn't it? I was so interested in car sickness. This comedy lark. He's been spotted on... I was nearly spotted this morning. You're nearly splatted. He's been spotted on an easy jet flight. First of all, I think that's already news, but not only that, he had some beats by Dr. Dre headphones, which are...

I know them. You know them? I own a pair. You own a pair? I own a pair. What? I think... I think... Are you going to wear them again after Cameron's

been spotted wearing them? Well, mine haven't got uni and jacks on. They're just... They're white. Not patriotic enough. No. No. No, I find patriotism a bit complicated, so I didn't go for them. No, I was sent them, so I didn't get any choice. No, I was sent them, so I didn't get any choice.

You were sent them. Well, they were deliberately picking people who they knew could start a fashion craze. Yeah. It's true. They chose me. Do you think DC got sent his? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Do you reckon? Yes. He doesn't buy anything. He doesn't buy anything? No. Really? I reckon he gets everything for free. No, I don't think...

I think there's a limit on the gifts he can... If somebody sent him a Cosmonaut poster, he'd have to especially declare it and stuff. That's right, yeah. He probably has so much paperwork at Christmas. Oh, he's got... I bet he's got a spare room packed with Cosmonaut posters

that have been sent him, which he doesn't feel that he's able to put up. I bet somebody has sent him one of those, you know those sort of Segway things which you just stand on? Oh, yeah. I bet you he's been asked to get... A hoverboard. Yeah, hoverboard.

And a big mouth Billy Bass singing fish. Oh, yeah. Don't worry, I bet he's got one of them. Yeah. And a global hyper-colour T-shirt. And all declared. All of it. All of it declared.

In the parliamentary minutes. Well, I've got, like I say, I've got some beets. I must admit, I don't wear them. Of course, I can't have beets at the moment because I'm teeth whitening. I don't know that I've worn them in the street, to be honest. But as you were saying earlier, Holly, men's ears get bigger as they get. So there is a logic to older men wearing those,

just to avoid flappage. Do not ladies' ears protrude as they age? I don't think so, no. Just men's? You don't see old women with. Just men's? If you look at... You don't see old women with great big ears, do you? I do, but that's... I look on specialist websites.

Oh, do you? One of those big ear babes? Yeah. Big ear. Big ear old babes. That's what I'm after. It's pretty niche, but hey, we've all got our predilection, guys.

Big ear matures. Don't judge me. I bet there's a site called Big Ear Mature. I'm not going to Google it. Who knows what might come up, but the elephants. Well, what happens with women is that they often wear... Oh, what happens with women? I've been wanting to know this for a long time.

Here we go. Got my pen out. Dangly earrings. Come on, I'm all ears. That's because I'm getting on a bit. They tend to sort of stretch down the lobe, the earrings, after a few years. So as they get older, they tend to get very elongated earlobes

after many years of earring wearing. Well, they could use that, couldn't they, as a sort of makeshift facelift. If they knotted them underneath the throat, they could hold in the dewlap. The wattle. Isn't the wattle on the top of the chicken?

No, the wattle is a bit under. I thought the wattle was on the top, that bit on the top, the red thick sort of, you know that sort of Mohican? They have like a mohawk, the average chicken. I think a wattle is underneath. Isn't that a dewlap? The dewlap is on

cows, I think. Take that back. I'm going to say it. I'm going to say it again, just as loudly. The dewlap is on cows. Oh, come on. We'll have to go to adverts while we sort this out, legally. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. So, um, DC, David Cameron, Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, um, DC, David Cameron was heading off to Lanzarote for a break. Oh, I thought he was coming back. He was going out with the bits. He went out a day later. No, a day before with the kids, didn't he? And then Sam flew out a day later. Is that right? Nice. Yeah, but he had his beats on.

All holiday he'll be saying, well, come on, every time he goes somewhere on his own on the holiday or he's on the phone, he'll say, come on, I brought him hours with him on my own on the plane. Yeah. He's obviously keeping an attentive watch on them. He's got a big pair of beats on. I wonder what he was...

I must say, the last thing I think I listened to on my beats was the audiobook of Russell's History of Western Philosophy. And you think that's what he might have had on? People assume you're listening to music, but there's all sorts of scope. I think it should be music, though, if it's beats. I know, but they were free my beats yeah but i mean i like i think there should be a separate headphones brand that's

called like words oh i say what about if i listen i have listened to the vowels yeah there's a book called jack's book which is the story of jack kerouac, and he was one, he was a beat poet. Could I listen to that on the beats? Yes. Okay, fine. I'll give you that. Fine. I'll tell you what I think David Cameron was listening to. I think he was listening to Europe, the final countdown. That's... Oh!

There you go. This boy. Why isn't he bigger? This 41-year-old man. Why isn't he a household name? I mean, off the back of that joke, I think he might be. He might do. What about if that joke sent him through the stratosphere?

You know, like that moment when... What's that? Your chair's collapsed. Sent me through the stratosphere but downwards. Everything was count against. His head's got so big, his chair has collapsed. Could have been worse, could have been his neck muscles. That's true, yeah. I quite like those.

I like those as they are. But I can't... I... I think it's a bit unfair. The bloke's been sent some free headphones. We assume. I think it has been established that they were a gift. I don't know. I mean, they retail at about 300 quid a pair, as you wouldn't know.

No. They're very nice, though. Are they? They're snog. Are they? Snog. And when I look in the mirror... Snog or snug?

They're soft on your massive old ears. They're snog. All right, yeah. Yeah, they are soft on my massive old ears. And also... That's what the quote on the box says. But I do get earphone hair in my ears afterwards. It flattens down all the hair.

You what? You know when old men get hairy ears, so all the air is flattened down by wearing them. It looks like a couple have been lying in a meadow. Like a crop circle. Yeah, exactly. Well, that would be great if they said dry. They could incorporate that.

So they leave dry crop circles in your ear hair. I like the idea of them. I've been thinking recently about going over the ear, because I wear the little ear buds ones, which are good, but I lose them, and also I physically lose them. In your ear? Yeah, my left ear, they fall out of. Oh yeah, they're very annoying. My ear canal

on the left one is badly designed, I think, and it just drops out. So I'll be walking along. That's happened to me. The ones that come with iPhones, other smartphones, are available. They just fall out of me. They fall out of you? They do. They completely fall out of me. They fall out of you? They do. They completely fall out of me.

They're like windfall earplugs. So I like... And there's no... I mean, he's a plane. He's gone for the most garish. That's why I think it was a gift. I think they, I read, they were Olympics themed.

Oh, that would make sense. And all the British Olympic athletes were given them free. I don't remember what his sport was. What was it? Cameron's rowing. Definitely. Ironically enough. Shooting. Apparently he always keeps a derringer

in the sock, so if ever he's shot at, he'll take the bloke down before he goes. That's what Elvis used to do. Did he? Elvis used to have a gun in his boot, so if he was shot as one of his Vegas gigs, he could shoot the bloke. Or woman.

Yeah. It was always one of my favourite images. Elvis, you know, blood all over his jumpsuit, firing wildly into the crowd, taking people who really love him down as well. Isn't there an Andy Warhol of that? Andy Warhol?

Isn't the portrait of Elvis with a gun the Andy Warhol screen print? That's Elvis from, I think, from Flaming Star flaming star uh it's a still from the film with a gun yeah it's my uh a little bit of inside information not that i'm inside or not you're listening to the frank skinner podcast from absolute radio want your frank fix a little sooner listen live every saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in

London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. So we were talking about David Cameron. Is it alright for a man, how old is David? He's younger than me, David Cameron. Is he alright to wear beets? I wear my beets. I don't wear them in the street. You know what I'm talking about?

He's been accused of trying to look cool and failing. That's why I don't wear them. But isn't that ageism, Matt? Why shouldn't I wear them in the street? I'm not sure. If he is trying to look cool, I think he might be like me. He's had problems with the little in-the-earbud ones and losing them, and he's gone, I'm going to get a massive Union Jack pair. He's on holiday as well. And that way, if he loses them on the plane,

the only other persons that they can be is Farage. And it's unlikely that he's going to go, yeah, yeah, they're mine. So it's fine. It's also unlikely that Farage is going to go on holiday to Lanzarote. Do you think... He'd burn. He would also only go as far as the isle of wight yeah they uh they do look a bit uh give me one time though for what does that mean a bit you know a bit groovy and cool right this is the thing everyone's saying is it now is has cameron you know put the nail in the coffin for beats being cool but

as a well i'm not that young person i don't think they've been that cool for a while for a while beats haven't so i think it's actually fair enough that beats can now be given to the next to the generation above us to have and to enjoy i think it's uh the fact that he's wearing union doubt ones makes it okay as as is the Prime Minister. I mean, you know the way Obama always wears an American badge. You know, he wears the flag as a badge. I think he's set the precedent now that, not the president, just in case you forgot who I'm the president of, here's the thing. I think Cameron's doing the same.

I always think it's Oversell, the American badger on Obama. Yeah. Yeah, I know. We guessed that. Do you think if it's a sort of state tragedy, he has to wear a half-mask, he has to put it halfway down his blazer? I don't know that. Do you think if something bad happened in the UK,

Cameron would have to wear those headphones... Underneath his armpits? On his bicep. That'd be brilliant if he did that, trying to be respectful, he'd be tore apart. But mine are just plain. They've got no... But you haven't worn yours outdoors.

They've got no stickered arbitries. You've got no stickered arbitries. Maybe you could peel off some of your stickered arbitries. You know what? arbitries. Maybe you could peel off somebody's thing. You know what? I'm thinking I'm going to start wearing them now. Outdoors? Yeah. You don't think it's a coolness issue?

I don't like the oppressive, oh, you're too old to wear them. This is the first time David Cameron has inspired anyone to take up the fashion trend. Yes, it's true. But I did a fabulous grandad thing the other night at this gig. There was like a teenage girl in the front row who was, when I went on, was texting, you know, which is never a good... The same night as the knitter. I think that's why I was so genial with the knitter, because compared to texting... Although she was knitting the words, I'm so bored, what are you doing? Exactly. What are you? Just with a letter you.

Question mark, smiley face. That would be great if she just knitted, shall we go and held it up to the person next to her. What I'd like her to have knitted me was an act. That would have really come in helpful on the night. But anyway, this, I said, this is

like, and this wasn't comedy, this was just when you make a mistake. I said, she was on, I said, are you on Twitter? She said, yeah. I said, Facebook? She said, yeah. I said, are you on, you on that Knapsack? I was trying to say Snapchat. And you said Knapsack. I said Knapsack.

Now that surely is the moment when I'd be far better off, far better off, I'd be far better off in a home. That's your ringtone. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're still talking, I think. Are we still? About what?

About David Cameron. Just generally that sense of what things you're not... You know, the other week I was on about... I said that I felt really self-conscious because I had a plastic bottle of water in the street. And I thought people were thinking, he's a bit old for that kind of thing. What, plastic water? Plastic bottle of water?

Yeah. That's a young person's thing, isn't it? Are you going to drink it out of, like, a hewn-out horn? Yeah. I wouldn't mind. No, I think that it's a young person's game, the plastic bottled water thing. I think hydration is everybody's game. Well, hydration is a modern trend. We didn't bother with hydration when I was young. I can understand you not bothering with a straw,

but I don't think you should worry about a bottle. Well, I felt incredibly self-conscious about it, so I don't think I'll ever do that again. I think I might be too old to add any jewellery now. There's a bit of me that would quite like to add some jewellery, but I think if I came in here next week with, like, a necklace on, you'd all go, you've started wearing a necklace, Alan, and then there'd be too much

focus on it, and I'd feel embarrassed. I don't think I'm, because you're sort of a pseudo-mod, and often have the top-bottom fastened. I haven't done it today, because it's warm. I don't think we'd know. I think I'm getting too old for a hoodie. Oh, I had that worry. Oh, you see, I still wear a hoodie.

And I look like a monk's ghost when I wear it. I think you can come out the other side, though. I think you can probably feel like that for a while. And then at the other end, you can start wearing hoodies again. When? In a few years. I'm not sure I'm anywhere near... Also, it's like they don't want to be on me i've

noticed that when i wear one when i wear one with a coat you know when you wear one with a coat you put the hood on outside the coat it won't lie down it looks like i got some sort of like a backdrop and i think that's the hoodie saying no stop wearing me now you'll be saying i'm trying to leave you but i might need that hoodie if I'm hiding me beets. That's true, yeah. When I'm out. If that bird flies past you again, you're wearing that hoodie, you're going to court it.

It's all in my head. What about long hair? My end is my beginning. What about long hair for me? Because I've battled with hating my own hair, and I've periodically shaved it off, but it always grows back. So I was considering going the other way and just never getting it cut again.

But would I be, like, I don't know if I could wear a pony tail. I think you have to be in a band, don't you, to be an older guy with long hair. Well, I'm not going to be in a band. I'm not prepared to do that just to have long hair. I mean, can I still wear those trainers that light up? No, I'm not sure. What about the ones with little wheels in them? I couldn't handle them with my joints Funnily enough But the ones that like, you know, I'm nearing an age when I'm going to start wandering

As the elderly do, you know, when they wander off If Kath was out searching for me in the early hours, that could be a lifesaver That'd help Because I wouldn't hear her with me beats, wouldn't hear her calling I've been thinking about getting those, you know those shoes that have That'd help. So I wouldn't hear her with me beats. I wouldn't hear her calling. I've been thinking about getting those, um, you know those shoes that have, like... I'd like a disco if I want to have me beats and, uh... You want one, then disco, Frank Skinner. You should be able to turn those round so that, you know, people in cars have really loud music.

Yeah. Anyway, sorry, Alan. I've been thinking of getting those shoes that, um, are like gloves for your feet. You know the ones with sort of... Oh, I've got a pair of those. You haven't. I've been thinking of getting those shoes that are like gloves for your feet. You know, the ones with sort of... Oh, I've got a pair of those. You haven't. I have. Like five fingers or whatever they're called.

A friend of mine had those. She said you can never stand in some dog waste. No. And it's the worst experience of your life. Because it seeps in. You just... It's the worst. She said it's the worst thing that ever happened to her.

Wow, that's... She's lucky. Yeah, what a great life. That's the worst. She said it's the worst thing that ever happened to her. Wow, she's lucky. Yeah, what a great life. That's the worst thing. Her foot. It's the worst thing that happened to her foot. Now, I found... That verruca? It's worse than that.

When my eyesight started to go... You know when you do that thing where you have to hold things quite away from you? Yeah. It means I could prop it up at the end of the bed and turn the pages with my feet. With those shoes on. Which was a godsend.

What do atheists call a godsend? Just a send. That's rubbish. They need to get a new... They need a new prefix. Yeah. new prefix. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text from Dan on the

M4. A wise man I work with will be the judge of that. A wise man I work with always says that as soon as you let new technologies or youth trends surpass you, then you begin to prematurely age yourself. I'm not sure about that. If he's going to be a wise man, he needs

to get a bit pithier with his quotable phrases. And also, that wise man sounds like he might be the you know, the old get in skateboarding trousers in work. Like, you know, he can't do that. I think there is a lot of prejudice at that end.

I mean, I've had to stop. I'm bringing a lot of that to this. I've had to stop rolling up one leg of my trousers. Yeah. It doesn't work with a suit. No. True. But if I did that, if I came in with some tracky bottoms and one leg rolled up,

you wouldn't, you'd feel you had to comment, wouldn't you? Well, if you were wearing a sort of handkerchief with knots in each corner on your head as well, then I think you'd just look like a sort of man from the 50s on a beach. You'd assume I'd left with two legs rolled up and one had just... Yeah, flopped down. No, it's a terrible...

It's a prejudice, though, isn't it? Yeah. I don't often back David Cameron, but on this one... Someone tweeted in and said.... Someone tweeted in and said, Ben Roberts tweeted in and said, hip-hop on the karaoke. That's a very good, there's a certain age where you can't pull that off. I don't know if I could

have ever pulled that off. Do people actually rap to karaoke? Yeah. Oh, no. That's the whole, that destroys the whole point of it, doesn't it? What? Yeah. Well, the whole point is that some people can sing well and some people can't, let's watch that happen but if you're going to come on and just you know talk with gusto which i think is a fair summary of what rapping is i think you just automatically counted yourself out of listening to beats uh with hip-hop on it no i've always thought though

when the first you know when you get a singer comes on and does, like, a brilliant vocal, and then a rapper suddenly comes out from the wings and does that rapping bit in the middle? Like Pitbull. Well, whoever it would be. So you get Mary J. Blige, and she's on stage, and she's in there... It's beautiful.

And then somebody comes out, and I went down, and I went... I've often thought, wouldn't it be brilliant if she had never heard hip hop and said what are you doing that's not good enough not just

sort of talking with gusto so you've never rapped in your life I've I mean I like rap but I don't think it's right for karaoke you prefer it for rap battles don't you in garages i was talking um to um dj nahal on asian network this week and he does some of those um rap battles they are abusive i mean they are abusive. I mean, they are extreme. They say terrible things to each other. I mean, terrible things to each other.

All right, grandad. It's like roasting. It is, yeah, but in rap form. In rhyming form. Yeah, but I don't like... That suggests that in us all is a sort of an internet comments person.

There's a troll in everyone. And I don't like to think that that's true. 8, 12, 15. If you want to say something really horrible to me, because I don't read them. Is that what you like? No, mate, not really. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Holly Walsh is with us this morning. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio webby. We were going to discuss the story about Kay Burley, who's in the news. Kay Burley? She's a newsreader, isn't she? I know her.

She's, um, she's... She's on the sky. She's been, uh, she's been ridiculed this week because she, um, she complained on the, uh, social media about having spent £130 on a bottle of wine and then not being allowed to drink it in a

posh restaurant. Did they not take it away before she finished it? Oh, is that what happened? No, I think they would tell her she could finish it, but not at the table. They needed the table, so she had to move to the bar to finish it. So it's not really much of a story in that sense of... Well, again, it's ridicule.

It's ridicule for not very much, I would say. When you think of the things people could be ridicule for, if you're into ridicule... If you're into ridicule for not very much, I would say. When you think of the things people could be ridicule for. If you're into ridicule. If you're into ridicule. I gave up ridicule as a news resolution. In 1987 when you started stand-up. Yeah, there's no place for it in stand-up. No, absolutely not. You're right. You've got to have a rule. Yeah, so she bought...

I think it's the old first world problems. That's what people were saying, yeah. The thing is, there has to be a level above First World Problems when you're hashtagging the Chiltern Firehouse, which is the most exclusive restaurant in London at the moment. I mean, there's First World Problems... Is that why they were rushing her out? Then there's otherworldly problems, and that's what this is. But the bottom line is problems.

If something's making someone melancholy, they're entitled to bring it up, aren't they? Yeah, even Kay Burley's allowed to be unhappy about not drinking her wine. That's, you're right. I mean, how much is wine? I have no idea. Is this a lot of money for wine? 130 is on the steep side for wine, yeah. I honestly don't, I would not know.

You know, these celebrities, they don't know how much a pint of milk is. I don't know how much a bottle of wine is. I don't drink. I haven't drunk for nearly 30 years. How much, if I went into a supermarket for an average bottle of wine, how much would I pay? I mean, it depends

You don't know either. If you went to, say, Aldi, you'd be paying anything up to 30p. If you were going to, say, Waitrose... You should not think of milk. But what's average? A pint of wine. I think...

I'd say six quid. Yeah, people probably... Wait, there's a lot of faces. Is that expensive? I saw people fight that for a pint of beer. You'd say that's top level? Six would be cheap and cheerful, wouldn't it? No, that's average, I think. Average.

But if you were taking it to a dinner party... If I was taking a bottle to a dinner party, I would probably spend 12 just so that people didn't look down their nose at me. That's ridiculous. Come on, 12 pounds. I wouldn't take wine. I hate wine. The whole concept of stupid wine. I don't do this.

People walk into a shop and say, I want some wine. Well, do you? You like alcohol-free wine. The whole concept of stupid wine. I don't do this. People walk into a shop and say, I want some wine. Well, do you? You like alcohol-free wine. Don't start pretending you don't love it. What do you take when you go to a dinner party? I take non-alcohol stuff. I don't encourage that. You take barley water.

Why ruin my evening by helping them to get drunk and dull? Okay, but what do you take? Like a ginger beer? I'll take, yeah, I'll take some snacks, some healthy snacks. Yeah? Some crudités. Almonds. I might take some almonds.

Gojo berries. Frank goes to a dinner party like he's attending a picnic. He brings his own stuff. I'd take a gojo, if I wouldn't be afraid of that. And then I might take a non-alcoholic wine or some one of those fancy drinks. But I'm not, you know. I think she's all right for her to complain about it. I did.

When she, she was mocked on the Twitter and she said, oh, I'm sorry. I thought I could spend my money on. She said, oh. She said, I thought I could spend my money how I liked. And I think that's fair enough. Just get him out. I think she should have chugged it down there at the table. Yeah, me too. Just right there. Just out the bottle.

Right into her neck. I think she should have said, well, it's only wine. Who cares? I carry a funnel with me exactly for that moment if I've really got to, like, if I've got to drink half a bottle of wine and I'm being rushed in a restaurant, I just jam the funnel in and pour it in like that. That's not true, is it?

I decant it into a plastic bottle that I might have earlier... That's a good idea. ...and then enjoy it over the next two or three days. Do you know what? I was in a well-known coffee shop on a services the other day, and this, I think he was a truck driver, he probably just had the full shirt off wash in the bathroom. Oh, yeah. And he got his proper coffee from a coffee shop poured into his flask for later.

Hadn't even thought of that. Good idea. Hadn't even thought of that. That is a good idea. She could have done that. She could have had a little flask with her. She should have taken a flask. Oh, why? If she can spend £130 on a bottle of wine, she can spend £8.99 on a flask.

I like to decant it into a lady's slipper and drink it from that. To go. Or a hewn out horn. Have it to go. Hewn out horn. Sounds like somebody who might read the news. In Wales.

Yeah. It's a property that he's shown in Wales. Hewn out. And now it's time for episode seven of You Now Torn. I think we'll stop there. I worry about what you've just said in Welsh now. I know. I've probably just said, have you finished you-ing?

They never finish you-ing in Wales, of course. It's Pat with them. Now there was you and you in that. And you and you. You and yours. That's what they could have brought about Wales. They could say you and Hugh and you and Hugh. And, of course, the coal face.

And you Hugh at the coal face as well. You could have the three, two hues and a U, all in that U and U. And a colour. Yeah. What's the colour of Wales? Green. 8, 12, 15.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what, this story has made me feel, I'm glad I'm not on the Twitter personally because I think I would make similar type gaffes as... Not the £130 wine. No, I can't imagine that. I wouldn't spend that much.

But, you know, I was recently in a hotel, ordered room service. They said, would you like a drink with that? And one of the things I'm most proud about, about my adult life is that I've started to drink sparkling water. Mm-hmm. It's a real, like, achievement for me and I said, yeah, I'd like a large sparkling water, please. They brought up the dinner, I opened the sparkling water, nothing. Not a- Still. Pfft. It was still water. Yeah. And I was hashtag gutted. And I think if I was on the Twitter,

I would have complained about that. Because I told about four people in the following 48 hours about, I ordered still, I ordered sparkling water and I got still and I was really upset. And I just think people would have been like, oh, Alan, with your first world problems. Poor you. Your water wasn't sparkling. Yeah, do you think the Africans cared? Exactly. Yeah, there would have been a lot of that. Yeah, walk to the well.

18 miles. Exactly. Still water. Yeah. But they'd be still water, exclamation mark, because they'd be happy. Yeah. There's still water.

Yeah. There you go. Totally. And I think I would have been pilloried. On the sophistication front, it took me years to say sparkling water. I always said fizzy. I say fizzy.

I find some people, if they're, you know, sometimes working in bars, there are people who are not natives of the country. And if I said fizzy, they'd say, what's that? So then I'd have to say sparkling. And in the end, they've broken me down. Is that fair? No. Phone Nigel Farage on TalkSport.

I don't think he's on TalkSport, is he? He could be all right on there. I just think her argument was, can I not spend my money on what I want to spend it on, which is reasonable, isn't it? And also, if you're eating at the Chiltern Firehouse, I'm sure, I mean, I haven't been, but I'm sure £130 for a bottle of wine is low end.

Probably house. House wine. Yeah? Yeah. Maybe. I once spent £1,500 on a bottle of wine. Oof. Hello?

As a gift. I was buying it as a gift for my manager. We'd been together for some 20 years. Does he know how much you'd paid for it i'll say he does no no one thing you have to do if you buy someone a 1500 quid bottle of wine is you have to say um this is a 1500 quid bottle of wine i bought you because it's a real cruel act to have someone drink a bottle of wine not knowing that it's a 1500. Because the whole excitement of it is that it's an expensive...

Well, yeah, because, you know, he could have been at home and they could have been cooking, and his wife said, you haven't got any red wine for the old spag bol. That bottle of Frank got looked a bit dusty. But when I carried it into town... I used to live about 25 minutes from the West End, and we were meeting to celebrate our anniversary. And we'd been together a long time.

I was happy to spend the money on him. And I wasn't going to drink any. But I walked in, and it was quite crowded in London, obviously. And I looked like a 1920s anarchist, clutching this thing like I'd got a homemade bomb in there. I thought, if somebody just knocks on my shoulder and I drop this, I'm going to physically attack that person. It was one of the most nerve-wracking walks.

I saw one of the saddest things I've ever seen. We were on a tube. The tube stopped abruptly. The train stopped abruptly. Someone who was standing up fell over onto a box which had a wedding cake in it and squashed the cake. Was there incidental music? Did it go, wow?

That was so awful. Could that possibly be a real thing? You actually saw that? I actually saw it, and it was absolutely... I mean, the fallout was horrendous. And this is a woman who hates British sitcoms. Yeah. And that one was a classic moment.

I love British sitcoms. You like American sitcoms. I like all things. You don't like all things. I like all things. Do you like oppressive regimes? In a way. Well, in a way, yeah.

We all do. Takes all that decision-making out of life. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a couple of texts. One just hot off the press. Hi, Frank, about the wine. My husband once told me he was in an expensive restaurant and somebody left a small amount of wine as a tip for the press. Hi, Frank, about the wine. My husband once told me he was in an expensive restaurant

and somebody left a small amount of wine as a tip for the waiter. Maybe the waiter was just after her wine. I've never heard of a wine tip. Actually, that is true. If you are buying a £15,000 bottle of wine... Yeah. ..and it's, like, super good stuff, if you were to give somebody a tiny glass of a thimble...

Yeah...that would be quite a... And it's like super good stuff. If you were to give somebody a tiny glass of a thimble, that would be quite a... I mean, I actually know a guy who's a wine seller. He's a seller? An off-licency. So he lives downstairs? People store wine in him. And he went round to his friend's house who opened a £45,000 bottle of wine.

Whoa! And the guy said, house who opened a £45,000 bottle of wine. Whoa! And the guy said, you can have a tiny sip, just to have an experience in there. Just to have the anecdote. Yeah, I mean, that's like a... I mean, even a sip is like a 40 quid, isn't it? Yeah, what a thought. Yeah, but when I worked on bars when I was younger, if somebody had said... What, when you were in prison?

Yeah. If somebody had said, oh, we've left you this wine as a tip, back then I would have gone, I don't drink wine. Could I have the money? I'd rather have the money. I know you'd rather have the money. Like, put three quid on a tray or something. You know when barmen and people, someone says,

hey, get yourself a drink. Yeah. They do it in American accents. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, then you just go, oh, cheers. You're not going to drink that drink now and then. No.

You just put three pounds fifty or whatever in a tin, right? Yeah, but they're not thinking 1,500 quid bottle of wine. If you say, oh, thanks very much, I'll have a 1961 Chateau Lafitte. Chateau Lafitte. The house of feet. That's what I bought this book. This is my manager. That sounds revolting.

Chateau Lafitte. I don't want to leave Lafitte from 69. Yeah, and then the guy said, no, I just meant like a beer, maybe. We've also had a text from 142. I asked for carbonated water and the waitress said, we've only got still or sparkling. Oh, marvellous.

Have you got eating out bugbears? One of mine is when they give you a choice Oh, marvellous. Have you got eating out bugbears? One of mine is when they give you a choice of how you'd like to have your food and then judge it. So I was feeling a bit unwell and I ordered lamb and the waitress said, how would you like it cooked? And I said, oh, medium to medium well. And she went, kill it twice, yes? Oh. And I was thinking, well, don't give me a choice.

If there's a best choice, just bring it to me in the best way. Don't offer me the decision and then mock my decision. Just mind your own business, was the phrase. Totally. A friend of mine who was pregnant asked for a steak. Keep it light. I will. And they said, how do you want that?

And she said, medium. And they said, shouldn't you have it well cooked? And she said, no, I think you can have it medium. I think that's all right. And even if she wanted it rare, it's not illegal. It's her choice completely. And he went, I won't serve that to you. And she said, it doesn't matter.

It's not illegal, whatever. I mean, you know, maybe you've got a point, but you shouldn't be saying that to me. And they had a huge argument. Well, the flip side, and she got so upset. Now, the flip side was, I was in, with Daisy, our producer, I was in a restaurant with her, and she was... Excuse me.

That's quite all right. He's allergic to anecdotes. That's a very difficult show for me. It is, it's very difficult. And Daisy was, I don't know how far gone she was, but she was apparently pregnant. You know, you could see. She was showing, I think is the phrase they use.

And she ordered a goat's cheese salad, and the waiter said, I don't think you can have goat's cheese. It was the same bar that I was in there. Yeah. And it's a Saturday night special club. And he said, I don't think you can have God's cheese. And she said, oh, God, yeah, I'd forgotten that. So, in fact, he did the same thing, but it was very helpful.

And that's because Daisy is a more positive person who sees the good in people. That's right. Not just shoots them down when they're actually trying to look after you and your child. Next. What about this for a K, Burleigh? I bought... The BBC shop closed down this week.

Uh-huh. And you bought it. You love the BBC shop. For your manager as a 22-year anniversary person. Yeah, I've bought it and we're going to sell camping equipment. I've bought it. No, I didn't. I bought a box set called The Tenant Years. Oh, yeah.

And it's every episode. There's complications because you return. But let's say it's basically every episode that 10 did as as the doctor so i bought that 40 quid reduced from uh 100 quid not bad 40 quid 60 off i make that i think it's 26 cds that's 40 quid i already had every one of those episodes on you know the single single CDs and stuff. Absolutely. But I just thought I'd like the box set.

You can condemn me for that. I think you were seduced by the deal there, Frank. Yeah, I was seduced, but so what? I'm living the dream. Yeah, but that's the reduced to clear, that's the whole philosophy of it, isn't it? I don't think that's what people mean by living the dream. No, I've got the David, the tenant years, and, um- Twice. In another little box set. Yeah, and you've got them as well in another

set. Yeah. And that, you know, what's wrong with that if I can afford it? Well, I just- True enough. That money could have gone somewhere else, to Libby, Libby, Libby and Quilts. Yeah. It could. I just, I just remix my English. I'll burn them off the tenant years and send that over. What about that? You know, they don't just want to hodl all night.

They want a bit of entertainment as well. They could sit and watch old Doctor Who's. It's very patronising, the idea that they wouldn't enjoy the tenant years. I think a lot of people think he's the best Doctor Who ever. 8, 12, 15. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner

Show. Absolute Riding Owl. Holly, how has your week been? I'm in trouble. I'm worried. I'm very worried What happened was I bought a book off a well known website a large website that supplies

but you know what? No, it actually was Amazon You know when they say you can buy it new or buy it used and sometimes they sell it for like 1p so I thought, well it was like £13.99 new or 1p used. It wasn't actually 1p, was it?

It was 1p, yeah. Plus delivery, yeah. Yeah, plus delivery. That's not ink delivery. That would be a terrible business plan. How does that work, then? So there's... They charge you £2.80 for...

Yeah, so it was £2.81. Yeah. Exactly. Oh, I'm not aware of that phenomenon. None of that with the tenant years, because the BBC shop, God rest its soul, didn't charge postage in the UK. Right.

That is good. Because they were so desperate to get me... Although if you'd sent it to Libya, you would have had to pay that. You know the thing about the deal, being brought in by the deal? Two days after I bought it, it went down to 20 quid. Oh. That's one of the worst things

that's ever happened to me. Well, well done. Lucky you. So anyway. So I bought this book, and it was a book I really wanted to read. When I opened it up... Can I... I think we could... I'd love to know what the book is. It's called Then We Came to the End. It's about... It's brilliant.

Okay. Short? No, it's long. It was a hardback as well. I to the End. It's brilliant. Okay, short? No, it's long. It was a hardback as well. I opened it up. It had a library stamp inside it. It wasn't Amazon that sold it. It was a supplier for Amazon. Right.

A library stamp inside it. But no, you know, sometimes they put a stamp in if they've sold it to say decommissioned. Yeah, yeah. Just the library stamp. Like a stamp that sort of says no longer a library book. No, but this one didn't have ited yeah yeah just the library stamp like a stamp that sort of says no longer a library book no but this one didn't have it it just had the library stamp and then it also had the stamps for when it'd be taken out and it'd been taken out fairly recently so i think somebody had sold me a library book and i feel terrible about this what about what did you are gonna

owe so much money for that book no yeah like you, because... You only paid a penny for it, but when you take it back, that's going to be like 25 or 130. You could have bought a bottle of wine in the Chiltern firehouse instead. Is there a possibility, what about this, that there's a few local libraries being closed down? Yeah. Is the idea that someone who was short of money went in there and thought, well, it's closing down soon anyway? Yeah. Is the idea that someone who was short of money went in there and thought, well, it's closing down soon anyway.

Yeah. What about if I take a few books, it wouldn't really be stealing? Well, it still is, though, isn't it? Yeah. What happens to the books of a library that's closed down? They have to burn them. Out of respect. Just like the old days.

It is. The burning of books. It got a bad rep. I thought that had gone, the burning of books. But no. It is. The burning of books. It got a bad rep. I thought that had gone, the burning of books. But no. It's back. Yeah. I don't know.

It sounds like it. It's a stolen library book. It's the Nazis. So do you think I should get in touch with the library and tell them I've got their book and I read it for one fee? No, I think this is a 999 call. Definitely. That's what that whole number was invented for.

It would be great to get in touch with the library. I'll do that then. It's actually walking distance. Weird would be great to get in touch with the library. I'll do that then. It's actually walking distance. Or just get in touch with the police. A private investigator. Maybe a private investigator would be the way to do it. Definitely. That would be great.

I don't know what he'd investigate exactly. So I'm adding a lot on to my 1p purchase. Private investigators don't tend to advertise with the no job too small slogan that handymen do but if they did this would be right up there you know what i just when i said that about private i realized i don't i've never had an awareness of there ever being a female private investigator you must get those you must but they're very private, both male and female. They are both private and investigative in their nature.

Private investigators. So they're in the right job. We're not knocking them for that. It's an interesting moral dilemma. I'm not sure what to do. Because I feel like I've had late stolen goods. But you might not be. There might be an explanation.

You're too trusting, I think, of these people who are trying to make money off the system. I'm not so much trusting as I'm trying to get out of having to do anything about it if it was me. If it was a book I really wanted and I only paid a penny for it. And now we're at the end. Then we came to the end.

Ironically, it's called that and it's a long book. Yeah. And then we came at the end. Then we came to the end. Yeah. Ironically, it's called that and it's a long book. Yeah. It's called And Then We Came to the End. But you might never get to the end before the police kick the door in. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had an answer to Holly's dilemma

about the possibly stolen, possibly not book that she's to read to the end of. Holly, read the book and then contact the library. End of dilemma and you fulfil the title of the book. Yes, and the purpose of the library. And then it says karma. I don't know if it is karma, but... Is it from Boy George?

Yeah. He's been cut off. He's just about to say karma, karma, karma, karma. This is the only... I have a long... It's quite a long book, and now I've said it on the radio. I'm assuming the police are on their way to my house as we speak. I mean, you could learn speed reading,

which, you know, that will cut it down, won't it? I think as long as they know it's coming back, I think that'll be fine. Where is the library? Which library? It's a long way away, the library. No, actually, it's quite near my house. Such a weird twist of fate. Do a pop-in. Do a pop-in. I could pop in, and I'm going to. And I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

And if it is, and I do find out it's stolen, I'm going to. And I'm going to get to the bottom of this. And if it is, and I do find out it's stolen, I'm going to give them bad ratings. And I'm going to say this was a stolen book that they sold to me for 1p. Quite right. And then you will get someone come round your house. Smash your face in. Imagine the sort of people. The sort of people that are stealing library books are not going to think twice about hitting a woman in the face.

Absolute. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Did you see the story this week about the man who got into an argument with himself on Twitter? Sorry, text. He texted him... No, he tried to call himself and then he saw he had a missed call no sorry no this one right so he was drunk and he needed to call his friend and someone accidentally gave

him his own number right he then tried to call the number it didn't pick up obviously because it was his number he then looked at his phone and said, you've got a missed call. He then texted saying, I tried to call you. Then tried to call the number again. Saw he had another missed call. Then got into a protracted debate with himself on the course of the evening. Stop calling me, I'm calling you.

But the text came back. You get a text saying missed call now. No, but I know, but he also got, when he said I'm calling, I'm trying to call you, he got a text back miss call now no but i know but he also got when he said i i'm calling i'm trying to call you he got a text back that said i'm trying he got that text come back to him i didn't think you could text yourself but he would have read it slightly differently yeah so he would have read it as i'm trying to call you yeah like you put down the phone you put down the phone yeah exactly yeah well it's like in the olden days, you used to be able to text landlines.

No, it was in the real olden days. In the olden days, you didn't used to be able to text. Text landlines. Oh, I love that. I loved to text in landline days. And then you'd listen back and it would say, hello. It was a great way of... I'm trying to find you.

It was a great way of making a robot swear at a loved one, wasn't it? But if you sent a text, supposing you could do that by mistake, in the past I have sent a text to a landline thinking... To a landlord? To a landline. OK. You've texted a landline. You used to be able to text a landline. And did it speak?

Yeah, you'd pick up the phone and it would be, Hi, this is Frank. You are nearly there. Or whatever. I didn't know that. Yeah, it was good fun. You see, when I was drinking, there were no mobile phones. So I never had any of these experiences. Isn't that a stroke of luck?

Maybe. I was very, very glad when I was drinking that there were phone boxes. Yeah. Otherwise I'd have had to urinate in the street. There's no dignity in that. No. Whereas in a phone box. In were phone boxes. Yeah. Otherwise I'd have had to urinate in the street. There's no dignity in that. No. Whereas in a phone box... In a phone box...

It's classy. It's different. Real classy. But it's such a danger. I mean, I shudder to think the things I would have texted to people and stuff if I'd been in my drinking days. Well, I probably wouldn't be here stuff if I'd been in my drinking days. Well, I probably wouldn't be here now.

I'd be in prison. From text messaging. Well, you don't know what was in my head in those days. Oh, but I was oh so simple then Time has rewritten every line If we had the chance to do it again, could we? Who is this? That's the sort of calls I'd be making Just me singing Memories by Barbra Streisand

Okay This story, my question as with so many of these stories When they hit the tabloids Is how did it get to the newspapers? Like, is he a self-arguer and a self-promoter did he do a silly thing and then the next day go hey guys i did a silly thing why don't you all talk about it means he could have staged it could have i wasn't suggesting that i just think he might have done a silly thing and then gone oh why don't i tell everyone

do you think that's what's happened yeah no I think what people do is they just put it on Twitter or whatever. Oh, look how stupid he is. And then, you know, I reckon all of those papers just trawl everything that gets retweeted over 20 times. Oh my goodness, what a job. Oh, the modern world. Yeah, it has, this story proves that the modern world has

become too complicated for people, hasn't it? On every level, this story does. Yeah. From the guy who managed to call himself and have an argument with himself to the fact that it's become national news. It's educational. I didn't know you could either call yourself... It's educational.

I didn't know you could call yourself or text yourself. I did not know that. Do you ever... I email myself a lot. Do you? Yeah. Do you? You see, I don't even know how to put... As reminders.

I can't put on caps lock on my... I don't believe that. I cannot put on cap lock. You don't know... Is that because you're... Cap lock, by the way, is not an extra branch of protection. Go on. Do you have a faulty keyboard, or is it...? No, I don't know how to do it

I'm looking at a caps lock button in front of me it's just a button it's pretty easy to read I'd say actually of all the buttons in that area that's one of the most easily that you know what that is I'm on about on my phone we could show you that over breakfast

you may be interested to know that for a time, the voice that did the landline texts, if you sent a text to a landline, it says that Phil in Leeds has said that the voice was Tom Baker. So you could text to yourself and it would be Tom Baker speaking. That would be brilliant. That would be brilliant.

Colin Tom Baker, Colin Tom Baker. Those days have gone, I'm afraid. They were what Hollywood described as the olden days. The olden days. Yeah. Hollywood? Hollywood, yeah. So, oh, great, though.

That would be brilliant. You are. I have a call from, just imagine, Tom Baker calling you up. I can. Okay. Anyway, thank you so much. Thank you, Holly, for joining us today. You were wonderful as ever.

You're always wonderful. Alan, I don't even bother mentioning you. Ta. I'll take that. And you, Frank. Me, me. You did all right, too. Like old Father Thames.

I just keep rolling along. I was at Old Man River. Text on a postcard. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. text on a postcard