The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Best Of 2016

Episode Date: December 24, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. It's the best of Frank Skinner and we take a trip down memory lane with, The Nose, Buzz's birthday and a river rescue mission plus lots more. Enjoy!

The Best of Frank Skinner Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner and you're listening to the best bits of 2016 The Best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio I'm gonna go straight with the personal stuff I had quite a big row this week with my partner What happened? Is that news?

Or is that a regular feature? It was what's called a Tuesday. OK. If it was a graph of our rows, it would be quite a high up. Oh, what happened? What happened was I wanted to watch the cricket highlights. OK.

After we'd watched something else together. So quite late at night. OK. Gareth, I'm not sure I like something else together. No, I know. It sounds a bit specialist interest. I got nervous when he said afterwards. No, no, we...

Yeah. I pray. It was a day when England had done... It was tremendous. They took many, many wickets, and South Africa were out for a few rounds. So did you want to watch it on capture or the sports highlights? The highlights.

So an hour of... In a separate room on my own. Oh. OK. That sounds fun. Now, you're obviously only getting my side of the story, but this is how I see it, certainly. So there was a bit of a...

We had a terrible row. I mean, like a terrible, terrible row. And to the point where the next day, which was a Sunday, I thought, I need to, you know, I need some sort of a physical peace symbol. So, you know, the flowers. Oh, no, not that. What do you go for? I actually got quite a large woman to release doves outside the house like when Michael Jackson was found innocent. Do you remember that? They released a dove

for every charge that he was charged with? Oh, gosh. I'm doing it for the hand garden people, aren't I? I don't think a dog was a... Maybe an old grey pigeon. A old scruffy old pigeon. Me old son. A smoking pigeon.

So, is that what they found in Iraq? Yeah. Yeah. So I decided to go for a sun. Now, flowers is clearly the, that's root one. Yeah. But I'm never sure about flowers. I don't want to take a symbol of, you know,

something that was once vibrant and alive that will then, you know, brown, dry out and decay over a short period of time. Seems like the wrong sort of imagery. And stolen, essentially, from God's earth. Yes, exactly. So I went for something a bit more, I suppose, a bit more modern.

I got her a... To cut a long story short, I got her a scratch card. Please say you didn't. No, I did. I thought that was a nice thing to do, because it suggested, you know, that there's always... Why is she a nana on Coronation Street?

It's funny you should say that. A young,ation Street? It's funny you should say that. A young, beautiful woman. It's funny you should say that. She's just got a job as a nana on Hollyhocks. No, she's... To sort of give her a way out of the relationship. Well, that's... This is how it went. This is exactly how it went.

I said, I've got you a scratch card. She said, why? And I said, well, you know, just... I said, to be absolutely honest, because I just wanted something've got you a scratch card. She said, why? And I said, well, you know, just, I said, to be absolutely honest, because I just wanted something nice, you know, after last night. And she said, all right, so you're hoping I'll win the money and then I'll be able to afford to move out? And you said?

And I said, I hadn't even thought of that. How much would you need to move out? What are we talking? Yeah, I hadn't thought that for a second. And that show was so wrong. So if anyone's listening... You meant a scratch card in the most romantic way.

I've got to be honest. I don't know how I'd feel about the scratch card. I mean, it doesn't scream romance. It screams Kerry Katona's significant other. I don't really want a scratch card. Well, it doesn't scream romance. It screams Kerry Katona's significant other. I don't really want a scratch card. Well, it's not the scratch card. I don't really need one, to be honest.

I think it's saying that things may look shabby and a bit worn at the corners, but they may contain solid gold. Oh, that's nice. There you go. So, anyway, it didn't go that well. She didn't win either. A card would have been better, I think. Just a go. So, anyway, it didn't go that well. She didn't win either. A card would have been better, I think.

Just a card. It was a card. I guess. Yeah. It's just that it was a bit more interactive, as is the modern way. Did you wrap the scratchy? No, I didn't wrap it. I thought that would be what I might call highfalutin.

So, no, I just handed it over raw, I think. If she'd won, that would have been a different story, wouldn't it? It would have been delightful. We'd have used that anecdote forever. One can go from dark to light in a twinkling. But if anyone listening has tried to patch up a relationship

and it's gone wrong like that, I don't want some terrible story of some awful drawn-out divorce if that's what you think you're sending in. Come on, it's Saturday morning, it's gone wrong like that. I don't want some terrible story of some awful drawn-out divorce, if that's what you're thinking of sending in. Come on, it's Saturday morning, this is breakfast, supposed to be light-hearted. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

Whilst we were at the Brits, did you meet anybody from the organisation side of the Brits? Was there any awkward moment where they went, Frank, you're back? I think they've all passed on in various ways since I was... It's been a long time since I did it. It just sounds recent because they don't stop talking about it. You said that with a confidence as if it had been a long-term project of yours.

You know, they've all passed on. Yeah, well, I take it exactly, yeah. It's funny going back to the crime scene, though. I know, it did feel like that. But I had a lovely night, apart from the lamb, I thought was a little undercooked. But everything else was splendid. Although I did remember, I was

reminded... You're the only person who cared about the food. I hope the caterers aren't listening. I don't know, the pudding was called Traditional British Sweet Chop Eaten Mess. Hmm. Right. And it was trifle in a glass with a couple of meringue.

I think that's the plural, is it? Do you have the S for the plural of meringue? And then pick a mix. I don't know that band. I thought I know Little Mix. Yes, well, this is their spin-off. It's like Junior S Club. S Club Juniors, whatever they were called. Can you check that, Paul? S Club Juniors, thank you! S Club Juniors. And he's very quick, you know.

Yeah. Oh, God. So, um, what was I talking about? Yeah, that was a weird, you know those, those, um, flying saucers with sugar inside. Oh, yes. It had that in them, like with cream on it and stuff. I mean, come on, people! That's two things in a bowl. That's not, that's not a pudding. I know.

Just do an eat and mess well. Who was the chef there? I know I didn't, he didn't come over. I hope he's not listening. Frank's already said he thought his lamb was underdone. Yeah, we could be late. I don't like lamb that bleeds. Right.

Okay. Made him well. You can quiet me on that. Yeah. So tell me about Bieber, because you were about to... Before we get to Bieber, can I say, one thing I realised is maybe, it might be my last ever time at the Brits.

Not because I've had any bad news from my medical people, but because I think I really felt that I've got a little older. Because this is absolutely true. I did the red carpet thing. Oh, yeah. And slightly ahead of me, there was a woman who I didn't recognise, but very statuesque, beautiful woman in almost no clothing. Sort of, I'd call it salmon pink. Okay. She was wearing...

A real food team running through here. Yeah, there is. Lamb, salmon. But very short skirt and not much... And I remember... Wearing out. So I looked at this woman... Sounds great.

As I've looked at these women for many years from afar, but what I used to think... Well, never mind what I used to think. What I thought on Wednesday was, she must be freezing. Yeah. Now that's a bad sign, isn't it? Yeah. It is Feb. Yeah.

Then there was that woman with the, you know the woman everyone was talking about? Who's that? Who interrupted Ant and Dick. Oh, yeah, I guess. I don't know the woman everyone was talking about? Who's that? Who interrupted Ant and Dick. Oh, yeah, I guess. I don't know the story. She had a completely see-through, she was everywhere. Right. Yeah. Completely see-through body stocking on.

And then she had a set, covered her lower areas with what looked like eight inches of duct tape. Really? Well, I think that's being generous on measurements from... That's exactly what I've got on under my clothes for days. Yes.

Well, imagine how I felt. She had gaffer tape on her... Yeah. On her extremities. I was embarrassed because I was just wearing a chiffon scarf and a verruca plaster. So it was the same dress nightmare. Absolute Radio.

The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Now, there was another incident at the Oscars, which was to do with Jenny Bevan, the costume designer. Did you see this? Oh, yes. Oh, yes, Jenny Bevan. She is the one that Stephen Fry recently called a fag lady, didn't he?

And she was said to have received a rather muted response when she went up to collect her Best Costume Designer award. Because she didn't go frog. She went leather jacket and trousers and a scarf. And she's defended herself on that, hasn't she, by saying that she'd look silly in an expensive frog. Or can I say I love Jenny Beckman? Didn't bother Ant.

Did Ant have an expensive frog on him? Yes, he did. He had a ball gown. love Jenny Beckman? Didn't bother Ant. Did Ant have an expensive frock on? Yes, he did. He had a ball gown. Did he? Yeah. Didn't know that. Check your billboard. Why do you keep saying he had a ball gown? He had a ball gown on. Who, Ant? Yeah. Did he? Yeah.

In the Brits, Ant wore a ball gown. Did he not? What's that? I'm not the only person this has happened to. I was, of course, I was there, dear. Are you sure that wasn't something Father John Misty put in your drink? No. He, they just did a tribute to David Bowie, a very moving tribute. Yeah.

And when he came back to Ant and Dick, Ant had got a ball gown on. Are you sure? Well, look, Sarah, our assistant producer, Daisy, our producer. Daisy says it. She loves the East Enders and the Brits. It's her favourite shows, Frank. I'll tell you what's brilliant. I was watching on television this week. Can I just say?

What? I'll be Channel 5, Al. I'd really recommend this. Broadchurch. Yeah? Oh, I can't talk about late reviews, Frank. Absolutely top notch. You serious? I'm not watching it. I'm totally serious. I haven't got to talk about Late Review, Frank. Absolutely top notch. You serious? I'm totally serious. First series or the second?

I haven't got to the second yet. I've done- no spoilers if you want. I've done all eight episodes- No spoilers? How can you avoid spoilers? Gone With The Wind, no spoilers. I completely avoid- I completely- Lost With R2, no spoilers. I completely avoid- I didn't know. Uh, I- me and Kath watched all eight episodes this week. Absolutely brilliant. You heard it here last. There's been another series since then.

I know, I know. But we'll get, you know, it takes time, these things. But honestly, I'd recommend it. I've seen it. What else do you recommend? Usual Suspects. Well, the ending's all right, the rest of it. Anyway, what else?

What's in the newspapers? What about that? Not the snoo all right, the rest of it. Anyway, what else? What's in the newspapers? What about that? Not the snoozepapers, mained. We should talk about this Party Next Door chap. Yeah, we should. Kyle Jenner. Whose work? I'm not actually...

Kylie Jenner. Is it Kylie? Yeah, Kyle's the mother. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah, I'm not really that up on these things. Kyle is the mother. Family's quite hard to follow the history.

Kyle's the mother. Kylie's the... to follow the history. Kyle's the mother. Which one used to be a... Oh, Kris Jenner. She just corrected me. Do you know, that's the only time Sarah on the show has felt compelled to actually interject publicly. Kris Jenner, with a note of panic. How can I put this? Did Kris Jenner used to be a gentleman? No. That's Bruce Jenner. Well, it's Caitlyn.

I know, but I'm not used to be Bruce Jenner. It's Caitlyn Jenner now. I remember Bruce Jenner when he was... Okay, here it is. Caitlyn Jenner. Oh, I can't even... Where does Caitlyn Jenner... I'm not answering that question. No. Leave it, Frank.

No, okay. I was told it was in a safety deposit box. Leave it. Let's just say they know what to do with a spare shoe. Put it that way. Anyway, what is his... What happened then? For comic effect, I made the... It would have served you right if yours had fallen off.

Um, what is Kylie Jenner's relationship to, um... Yours had fallen off. What is Kylie Jenner's relationship to... She's the daughter of Kris Jenner. Kris Jenner is... Is that correct, Sarah? And Kris Jenner used to be a gentleman. No! No! Kris Jenner is the mother.

Who's the woman? She's the mother. What's the name of the one who used to be a gentleman? Caitlin. Caitlin. So what is Caitlin's relationship to Kylie? That's the father. Okay.

Okay, of course. Of course. Right. So Kylie Jenner is young. She's a young girl. She's the one with the big lips. Right. 18 years old she is, and she's got a new boy.

Oh, that's a bit Daily Mail reporter. She's got a new boy. That's the story, isn't it? she's got a new boy. Oh, that's a bit Daily Mail reporter. She's got a new boy. That's the story, isn't it? She's got a new boy. Well, she used to date Tiger, and now she's going out with Party Next Door. Because Tiger dumped her, so she's going out with Party Next Door. Not Tiger of the golf links. No.

He's gone quiet. He has gone quiet. That is the talk of the town. I heard, and I'm not one to gossip, that he was something of a ladies' man. I heard that. I heard he put it about. Yes, he definitely was.

I did a pun and no one picked up on it. He picked up on it. I didn't pronounce it properly. That's good. Thank God you didn't do a wood joke. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 033 has texted, I'd always fancied drinking in Cheers,

then three years ago I went to Boston and did. Loved it. Hashtag late review. Oh, yeah, well, I went to that... That bar. When you get inside, though, it doesn't really look like Cheers. It's on the outside.

I, um, I'll be honest. I always think that the bar in Cheers doesn't look that comfy. It's high stools and wooden chairs. And the bit that I always wanted to spend time in was Ted Danson's office, which had a nice big comfy chair and, like, stuff to play with. Like, he had a baseball mitt and a

ball and stuff like that. I'd much rather be back there. I went on a celebrity parade through Inverness with Ted Danson. Sorry. One of your more... I just need another couple of minutes to laugh at that. Celebrity. We turned up in Inverness for the premiere

of Loch Ness. Yeah. Do you remember Loch Ness? Yeah. No, but thanks for the tip. It was him and Jodie... Kidd? No, the one from... She's a Vanessa Redgrave person. Oh, yeah. Richardson, is it? Jolie Richardson. Yeah, Jolie Richardson, yeah.

And Ted Danson. When we got there, we were introduced to the mayor of Inverness and he said, the celebrity parade will begin. And we went, um, what? So we were literally marched through. There was people lining the streets, applauding and cheering. There was Ted Danson and Jolie at the front. There was me, David Baddiel.

Annika Rice was there. What was David Baddiel wearing for a celebrity parade? That old Aztec camera suede jacket. We weren't dressed up because no one had told us about the celebrity. Nicky Clark and his wife was in it. So your hair looked fine for everyone. Yeah, but how? Koo Stark was there.

Can I be honest? If I'd positioned myself for the celebrity parade and Ted Danson was in there on the top of that bus and I... It wasn't a bus. We were walking. You were walking? Yeah, we just walked through the town. You didn't even get in.

It was like the plague years. Is that Joan of Arc? I know. We were walking through the town. And to be honest, if you did it in London, can you imagine the abuse and that you'd get? Yeah. And, in fact, we got, like, warm applause and they seemed genuinely happy to see us in Inverness.

But you walked. We had to walk through. Were people looking like... Can you imagine if they're trying to get an autograph and you were going, Ted, Ted, and then you got Nicky Clark's wife? I mean, no offence. Well, I remember...

On a celebrity scale. A guy climbed halfway up a lamp, a guy with a shaven head, and he went, Hey, Nicky, can you do anything with this? And he got quite a big laugh. And afterwards, we were back. And I think, to be fair, I don't wish to air people's dirty linen in public,

but I think Nicky and his wife were going through a difficult patch. Oh. And someone said, Oh, that was really funny, Nicky, when that guy shouted, can you do anything with this? And you went, oh, yes. And she said, yeah, and what did you say? Nothing.

It's a really awkward moment. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I never told you about my trip. Talking of travel, although i didn't get up to any of that slam door behavior no i went over to the south of france last week yeah um absolutely i was invited by louis vuitton did you um keep going yeah so when you go over on a trip with Louis Vuitton, they have to ensure...

It's getting too loud. It's getting too loud. Quite loud. They have to ensure that you... Bonjour! They have to ensure that you have a bag with you. Was it Eurostar or Flight? What was the...

Flight. What was the M.O.? I was right. What was the airline? M.O. M.O. Motor Stop Randa What was the airline? M.O. M.O. Motor Super Under. Oh, Motor Super Under.

Yeah, we flew over there. Well, in those, you're definitely allowed to flush in the station in an airplane. Do you know, that took me right back, that music, Frank. Yeah. Because I went to the region where the perfumes are made, which you'll be familiar with. Oh, yeah. It's called Grasse. Grasse?

Yes. It's called Grasse? Yes. Don't say it like that. Grasse. That's how I say it. Grasse. It's probably called Grasse. Grasse? Yes. It's called Grasse? Yes. Don't say it like that. Grasse. That's how I say it. Grasse. It's probably called Gros.

Don't say it in a sort of Beavis and Butthead way. It's a beautiful area. Grasse. That's how I say it. That's just how I say it. There was a lovely... The fragrance is being launched later this year, so I'm afraid I can't say much about it, but I did meet the nose.

Oh. Louis Vuitton have a nose. Yeah. It's an incredibly respected position. Yeah. Oh, he's seen some sights, the nose. Louis Vuitton have a nose. It's an incredibly respected position. Oh, he's seen some sights, that nose. What a man. Do you know, there are fewer noses in the world than there are astronauts.

Is that right? That is a good fact. Yes. We should explain what a nose is. Oh, yeah, some people would be thinking God knows. Ian Angle. But is there known as a God knows probably because they're so rare. Well, would you like to tell me what you think it is?

I think that some people... Let me put it this way. Many years ago, I watched a documentary with Jacques Clouseau. Oh, yeah. I like the Inspector Clouseau stuff. No, Costa. Oh, Jacques Clouseau, yeah. Jacques Clouseau, yeah, who used to be the underwater man.

And he met a guy who was able to swim down for various rare shellfish and oysters and things, and he didn't get the bends. He had some weird physical thing. And I always thought, God, how would you ever find that out? I might have that, and I'll never know. Meanwhile, in the perfume industry, there are certain people whose sense of smell is so perfect...

That's what it is. ..that they can detect all sorts of slight little... Yeah, yeah. You can give them a source, they'll tell you what the ingredients were. Yes. I once saw Freddie Fox do it on Peppa Pig with a fruit smoothie. But that was another... That's a different story.

And so if these people are identified as noses, as they call them, then they can command... This is the only time people ever do this. They can command massive wages. This is true. When you say wages, like he's, you know, a West Brom footballer back in the 50s. Don't get a payback. I mean, there's a...

But it is... I mean, they're exactly right, Frank. You've summed it up beautifully. Whatever he gets, it's not to be sniffed at. Very good. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. The thing about the nose, Al,

is that you really want to smell nice for him. Oh, God. Can you imagine the pressure? Imagine if you meet the nose and you'd had to rush out of the hotel without a full bath that day. You don't want to meet the nose when you've had a prison wash.

Come on. I maybe ran for the bus as well to get to Louis Vuitton HQ. Yeah, because I was really doing that, wasn't I? What bus routes it on? 257? He lives in this fabulous Gothic mansion in Paris called Nostral Darm. Oh, lovely. I wish you'd been there, Frank.

You two would have gone on like house on fire. Oh, I don't know. I think he would say, humour stinks. Yeah. Oh, I don't know. I think he would have said, Humour stinks. Yeah. Oh. He, um... I, um, I smell pepperami. Oh, he would have said,

Hmm, where are you from, Birmingham? He probably would have. He would have. Wow. He would have been wrong. Some from West Bromwich. I doubt... That would have ruined him.

I doused myself. Did you? And I wanted him to smell and I said, oh, you know, what do you think? And it was like that moment on X Factor when they're waiting to decide whether they're going home or not. He went, hmm, okay.

I mean, you don't want to get an okay. Yeah, it's better than a bit basic though, isn't it? Yeah. A bit basic. Imagine if he'd have sounded like Joey Essex. He must have to live a very... Abstinent? Careful life.

Yeah. Well, you would have thought. That's another story. No, no, but I mean, he's got to watch where he's sticking his nose. You know what I mean? Mind his own business, yeah? No, no, but he... Oh, right, no.

He doesn't want to go into anywhere with a very strong... He doesn't want to go anywhere with a very strong... I don't think he's in the neighbourhood watch scheme or something. But, I mean, he couldn't... He could never smoke or use snuff or attend a public man's toilet. Well, I think he probably could. Could he? Not in France. I don I think he probably could. Could he?

Not in France. Well, I don't think we want to be going on those trains. Not in France. Terrible thing to say. He might as well have a walk down the railway track. Yeah, he wouldn't be good in the car, by the way. If he was a track worker, if he got a job as a track worker, his life would be a nightmare. I don't know if he's one of the, shall we, as we call them now,

the slam shop brigade. No. But he was lovely, the nose. I mean, there is one of the, shall we, as we call them now, the slam shot brigade. But he was lovely, the nose. I mean, there is something of the llama about the man. Is there? Yes, because he's sort of something magical and mystical about him. I wish I could say more about the fragrance, but I can't, I'm afraid. However, I did have a wonderful time. And I embarrass myself with my French speaking.

But don't you get that thing when you're over there that you think, when you say anything in French, I think the French people are thinking, she's amazing, that woman. She can speak French, which I can't. Just want to go, bonjour. No. I don't think they are thinking that. I don't get that at all.

Oh, aren't they? I thought they were. I mainly focus on oui and non and merci. And that's it. What about when I run for room service? You know I need an eye and it's the first thing I need, Frank. And it's a... I forgot momentarily the name of it, which is unlike me, because I have a list of the 12 languages I'll need it for. What's French for eyeing?

Yes, well, I'd forgotten, and I do know that, and I'd confused it. And I rung down, and I said, Vous avez un embrassé? And it's actually repassé. Embrassé is a kiss in a cuddle. Oh, excellent. She went, oh! I was so embarrassed.

She might have just thought you were lonely. They were pointing at me in the hotel. Lonely? How can you be lonely with the nose? No, but you phone down to reception and ask for a kiss in a cuddle. Whenever I've done that, there's been a knock at the door 15 minutes later. Sleazy business, mate. Exactly. That's why that woman in Marseille gave me an iron.

It's all making sense. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. 956 has just texted, Tuna and cheese with pickles, onion and tomato with light mayo. OK, give us ten minutes. I'm not sure that text is for us.

No, it is. We're expected to do that as part of our remit now. You don't think it's a test for the nose, do you? We should just waft it under him and say, can you do that? Blindfold him. Oh, so there was a rather cute story this week. It's the little and finally Cyril from That's Life Google It section. Oh, yes. A grandma from Wigan, I believe her name was May Ashworth. You don't get many Mays these

days, do you? Yeah, that's true. Anyway, her grandson Ben had come over to do his washing. I appreciate that's not the best story you've ever heard. However, he looked at her computer. Did he? Yeah. Cheek. He wants to keep his nose out.

The nose. He saw that she'd been Googling. You're safe with a grandma to look at the search history, aren't you? I think it's a bit, I don't know. How would he feel if his grandma had gone round his house and had a look at his Google search? He probably clears his history, I should think. Well, his boyfriend was at home, he said. Oh, yeah.

Google search. He probably clears his history, I should think. Well, his boyfriend was at home, he said. Oh, yeah. He said, he looked in the search bar and he'd seen that she'd said, please translate these Roman numerals. MCM XCV 111. Thank you.

So he obviously thought this was rather adorable and tweeted it. Oh, and she's so old that that's her password. Yeah. I think she was trying to work out a text from an old friend. Just a weird number on her phone. Who is this? It's when the...

Oh, dear. They'd asked her for a date at Burr in one of the... Yeah, so she... She, essentially, she was trying to work out when a show was made from the credits. You know when it comes up at the end on the BBC shows and things? And they still apparently use that. They do.

I find that weird. Why do they do that? Yeah. I mean, that'll happen to the programmes you do, like Room 101. They'll have Roman numerals at the end. You think? Someone has sat in an edit suite and said, oh, we'd better put the date of the show on now.

What do you think, Roman numerals? And everyone's going, oh, that's a good idea. And what about the director's name, Hieroglyphs? Well, it's absolutely ludicrous. I mean, at least she's accidentally, she's highlighted a practice which should be stopped. Why do they do that? Production company, cave paintings?

I'd like to think it's sort of inside Roman Catholics at the BBC. which should be stopped. Why do they do that? Production company, cave paintings? I'd like to think it's sort of inside Roman Catholics at the BBC. So this rather cute granny, May Ashworth... It's funny you say that, because I did... This says a lot about where I am in my life. I did see the picture of granny May Ashworth and thought, she's all right. I honestly did. Frank, she's 86. She's an attractive woman. Yeah, but she's all right. I honestly did. I thought she was attractive. Frank, she's 86.

She's an attractive woman. Yeah, but she's 86. Come on. Okay. I think you'll find she's V111. No, I don't know how to do 86. So at your time of life, an attractive 86-year-old's like a yummy mummy,

is that what you're thinking? Yeah, like a yummy grandmummy. A yummy grandmummy. A yummy grandmummy. All right. She, anyway, the reason that she Google searched that was that she apparently, her grandson says, she's under the illusion that there's a guy sitting there at Google headquarters who deals with all the inquiries personally every time they come in.

Yeah, am I wrong in saying that when ask jeeves began do you remember ask jeeves did you not used to was it i think i used to type in a question so i would say you know which end do you from which end do you peel a banana right i would actually ask that question yeah i often question i often put questions in. Yeah, so it's not that crazy. She's just having a bit of politeness. And why not? Do you ever use, I don't know, feeling lucky?

Feeling lucky? I hate feeling lucky. Do you? That's an interesting sentence. Well, I just don't like it. I think it's, but I don't want some weird game, oh, feeling lucky, it's a bit like some creepy man. There's the business reasons, usually. I was Googling yesterday,

I was Googling Archbishop Pole, the last Roman Catholic Archbishop of Canterbury. Me too. What were the chances, honestly? I don't want that transformed into a game of chance. I just want to know. I'm feeling lucky. Just tell me about him.

Archbishop Paul Roulette. Why are you turning it into some fairground game? Yeah, exactly. Also, I don't like, Frank, I don't like... I've got a biscuit in my mouth. I couldn't help it. I'm feeling lucky. I don't like... Some results may have a biscuit in my mouth. I couldn't help it. I'm feeling lucky. I don't like...

Some results may have been removed under data protection law in Europe. Which I had when I googled my name. Yes, it happened once. Come on, Emily. That's what happens when you google your YouTube clip of a woman deadlifting. That's true. What is that, Frank?

Also, here's something I get on my nerves about. Search, Google search. If you search Google images... Yes. I'm looking for pictures of the person or whatever that I've put in. Attractive grannies, that's what he's looking at. No, but, well, maybe so.

Answer make this picture on women. Women called May who've still got a hit. No. Is what you search every night. OK, but let's take that as an example. Maybe an Irene gets in there. Let's take that. If I typed into Google Images search,

women called May who've still got it, I was likely to get a picture of Ganahls Barkley. People come up and you think, well, why are they on this search? Absolutely no relation whatsoever. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. In the news this week, Paul Hollywood has said, I don't know if this is a joke, I think he might be just teasing the press.

He said that his son made a quiche in his food tech class and got a low mark for it and Paul Hollywood as his dad sent an angry note saying, how dare you give my son such a low mark, his quiche was worth at least a 9 out of 10.

I suppose he would know. He's, surely he can do it. Can I ask a question here? A technical question. For me, I remember the sort of, the rise of the quiche. Do you? Into the British consciousness.

And it was always called quiche Lorraine. That's a specific sort of quiche. Is it? Yes. Is it cheese and ham? Yes, ham or bacon-y bits on it, isn't it? And everyone said, oh, I had one of those quiche Lorraines. So what happened is that quiche is broadened out in this country. Yeah, now it's gone all...

I suppose Lorraine arrived first. You know when people send over the breadwinner and they get some money, get a place to live, and then the rest of the family arrive? I suppose Lorraine was the... The pioneer of the... Well, not so much a pioneer. More of a flannanier.

But, yeah, so they're not all quiche Lorraines. Not all quiches are Lorraines. And do they all have girls' names? No. I don't think so anymore. No, that's a pity. There might be, like, Storms or something. Sadly, I think they've gone a bit more literal now.

So, like, you could get cheese and onion quiche. So, there must... Quiche Lorraine, if, as you say, that's a type, there must be other. You must be able to get a quiche. It would be nice if... A quiche more. Quiche. Quiche Susan.

Yes. Yeah. Quiche Barney and Bendy. Yeah, exactly. That's on the quiche breakfast show. Yeah, that would have... That would have egg and sausage in there. Because it's a breakfast show.

Or maybe bits of toast. I don't know. I'm never sure about quiche. I think I like it. Then I get halfway through and I go, don't like it. Don't like it. I don't know if I've really ever found my quiche.

Paul Hollywood also says... I like it. Paul Hollywood also says, like it Paul Hollywood also says of Josh, his son, who's 14 he says Josh knows how to make a loaf of bread which is much more complicated than whipping up a Victoria sponge

Are we talking about Keith? Yeah, no, he's got confused there I don't like any bit of that sentence I don't like the sound of Josh I don't like the sound of the loaf of bread You don't like the sound of Josh. I don't like the sound of the loaf of bread. I don't like the sound of Josh. You can't say that about him. Why not, boy?

He's 14 and he can make a loaf of bread. What's wrong with him? He's just thrown the ingredients into one of those machines that you buy and then never use. My kids can eat a loaf of bread, but they can't make a loaf of bread. It's great that he made a loaf of bread. Is it?

So when the kid nicks a loaf of bread in Lombisroble, you think he's a hero. Yes. You make a loaf of bread, you think he's a scoundrel. What happened? Broken Britain. I made a loaf of bread once and it was a tremendous success. In the oven or with a machine? No, no, in the oven.

Oh, OK. I made... On the same day... This is my only ever baking day. On the same day, apart from one terrible Jamie Oliver experiment, I made a fabulous lemon meringue pie. Oh, now that is my favourite. That's my proper favourite. It looked like if Phil Oakey had had an afro after his hair had gone white. I mean, on top of it, it was this fluffy white.

Beautiful. And that's your history of baking? When you get it that good first time you think I'll leave it alone now because anything else is only going to spoil the dream like your meringues you had peaked but I think it's yes exactly

exactly oh don't get meringue as well was what Chrissie Hines said to me as I was leaving the house don't get meringue as well, was what Chrissie Hynde said to me as I was leaving the house. Don't get meringue. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, last night I went to something I rarely do. I went on a stag night.

You did not. Legend! Thank you. I left a gap. I left the legend, what I call the legend gap, having announced that. And thank God Alan filled it.

Thank you. He can always be relied upon to fill the legend gap. Yeah, so I went on, my God, I've been filling the legend gap for years, dear. So I went, I went there and... Well, tell us more. You had to say whose it was. So, I went there and... Well, tell us more. You had to say whose it was.

No, I don't want to say whose it was, but it was a friend of mine that narrows it down considerably. I'm going Knowles. Jeff Brazier. No, I know it wasn't. Toby Anstis. No. Okay. Paul Coyoya. No.

I'm sorry, if you know that is your laugh. If you don't, trust me. So anyway, it was a sort of, it started as a dinner, you know, at a table. Ow, I don't like the sound of it started as. This sounds like things got a little bit out of control. We were wild. So I arrived. I'd just done a 12-hour day at the office, dear.

Wow. And I arrived and there was, you know, nice people there. Anyway, I don't think we'd been there half an hour before quite a box and blonde lady in a police uniform arrived. When I say uniform, it was a slapdash version. Oh, an approximation. Could you still see the markings of where it had been folded in the plastic? Well, I didn't want to look. It was a PVC thing.

Was it? I never for a second thought she was an actual member of the constabulary. Right. No. How old was this person getting married? Were they born in the 40s or something? Like a stripper girl. I'd forgotten that strippers...

I'd honestly forgotten they existed. It was the weirdest thing. So what happened? Well, I'll tell you what was weird about it. I see if Nick Berry had turned up, it wouldn't have seemed more out of place. It was sort of... But the odd thing was,

was I was absolutely overcome. Wait for it. Overcome with the, um... with the sense of, I don't want this woman to take her clothes off. Yeah. Oh, that would be really impolite if you redressed her, though. I'm pretty sure. No, I don't want this woman to take her clothes off. Yeah. That would be really impolite if you redressed her though. I'm pretty sure.

Yeah. She realised it was like the fourth bridge. I was at the other end of her putting them back on again. Yeah. But no, it was quite, it was quite a moment for me in my life. Because, you know, I've always been a tremendously decent

chap, but obviously one has... For bar one area. But one has the animal within. Yeah. It seems like the animal within has either died or left the building. Joined a decent chap. Oh, this is a great day for us. But more...

No, I think that happened some time ago for you, Frank. No, I know, but I haven't seen a strip... The last time I saw a stripper, Graham, I remember shouting, this is Thatcher's Britain. And someone said I'd took the edge off it for them. But the fact that I shouted that dates it. The last time I saw a stripper, Graham,

was in a pub. I think I was at university. And all I heard was these lads shout, handsome. And I don't like that. No, I just... Well, I'll tell you how it progressed. Do we want to know this?

Do we have a choice? Let's put it this way. She arrived and said, not very private here, is it? I mean, we hadn't been introduced. And he was so brash. He was a really brash personality. Frank, she wasn't booked for a personality.

Good call. I don't know that. Maybe they're a personality-based stripper grams who are just coming at her rattling good fun. Oh, I'd like to do that. Oh, well, anyway, I'll progress with this. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio.

We're going over to Frank Skinner in 1978. Where there's a stripper gram in a police outfit has arrived in a pub. Meanwhile, back at the stripper gram. It was... I honestly didn't know they existed anymore. Can I just say, was this a public restaurant? Is that what it was? Well, it was a sort of an alcove. Oh, OK. It's not like there were other diners that were going... Well, there were other diners.

Can you get off my table, please, madam? They were close enough to make it even worse. I mean, I don't know what it was i'm a bit i'm not trying to set myself up now as uh some great politically correct person obviously don't worry i don't think that's gonna happen i think you're safe i don't know whether it was the thought of my partner of the holy roman church or you know of just the proximity to food. But I just didn't want, I really didn't want her to get, I wanted her to go. And it wasn't like there was an inner tussle with me.

I just, there was nothing. So anyway, the guy who was getting married, he was in the toilet. So someone said... I don't like the sound of that. Someone said, we've got to hide her. All right, hide her. So the waitress then, and I thought, oh, no, the waitress knows.

She thinks we're all in on this together, the sophisticated waitress. In a way you are. Well, I wasn't. She said, oh, you can go over here, and she took her in through this curtain. Oh, she sounds nice. Yeah, but the weird thing about it was the curtain, I realised, this is one of the lighter parts of it for me, the curtain was a curtain that was just flat against the wall.

There was no door behind it. So this woman went in there, the police officer went in there, and it was just a bulging curtain. She was actually just... Excellent. It was like she was standing against the wall and had been covered. Playing hide and seek with a three-year-old or something. Making her even more noticeable.

Yeah, but it was the weirdest thing. This bulging curtain right next to us. Like when Polonius hides behind the arras in Hamlet. Yeah. That's what I thought about at the time. I was thinking like Boris Becker, but it doesn't matter. It's all very similar. So what happened then?

Well, I was honestly having a mild panic attack. And it shocked me a bit. It makes me feel that perhaps my libido has said adios. Oh, yeah. But I did... I don't know, I remember thinking, what people can... We can't smoke in here, but we can do this.

And then it became apparent that the other guys, I think it spread like a virus. Suddenly I realised it was quite a few... What, the decency? Quite a few people saying, oh, I... And then someone said, I'll go and quite a few... What were the decency? Quite a few people saying, oh, I... And then someone said, I'll go and have a word with her. And they went behind the same curtain. Were they also flat against the wall?

Three hours. They were less flat. They were holding back the curtain. I mean, I could see the handcuffs from where I was. So what did they say to her? I think they just said that it was inappropriate. I mean, not just... What, they cancelled her?

Yeah. They said it was inappropriate, not just for that event, but just as a life decision for her. Why did they hire her? Well, I think it might have been hired. She might have been hired by someone who didn't make it. Oh. Right.

As a sort of, you know, a bit of a gag. But when we drove in this morning, I went past the local TA centre and there was two armed policemen outside and I thought, I don't know if I'll ever have the same respect for you. And they'd done nothing wrong. But I... So did she just head home then? So then she just went. I hope you paid her.

Oh, well, someone paid her. I certainly didn't. I don't think Frank was a foot in the door. Third autobiography title of yours. Yes. But the whole thing was a bizarre experience. Yes. I can't decide how I feel about it, Frank, because I don't know

whether you should have sent her home, to be honest. Well, what do you think? We should have let her do it? No! No! I'm not suggesting... God!

Is that more humiliating, that she's got all the clothes on, she's turned up, and then your services aren't required anyway? Well, I mean, I... The alternative was not acceptable. We could have said, why don't you come and dine with us? Yeah!

But, I mean, she had a policeman out for... A policeman out for fishnets. Nobody can relax. No, and you don't want to sit on fishnets for a long period of time. You get grid. You know. You get thigh grid. Yeah. I hate thigh grid, although he's very good in Harry Potter. Absolute Radio.

The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank. Yes, Radio. Frank? Yes, darling? Are we ready to talk about this party? I don't normally call you darling, by the way. I quite liked it. Because I was there. And I should say, during the show last week, I mentioned it, but I didn't go full forensic.

Okay. As I felt... That you weren't on the stand. The witness was not on the stand. I wanted to hear it from the horse's mouth. Yeah. Well, I... Because from my perspective,

there were some extraordinary things going on. Yes, my son, who's called Buzz, after Buzz Aldrin, who I believe is at Waterstones today in Piccadilly, doing a book signing. What's happened to this show? Exactly. I just mentioned, I have no...

I don't get a retainer from Boz Aldrin. I go through Time Out and read out what else is on in London. Actually, I think I did get a retainer from Boz Aldrin, one of his old bottlers I signed up. Not working for me. Anyway, yeah, so my son was four and so I thought I'd have a birthday party for him. Now, the significance of this, particularly for me, is my first ever memory, as far as I can piece it together, was I remember sitting on the bed and saying to my mother, I'm four today. It's a memory I can date quite accurately.

Yeah. Unless you were just wrong when you were a kid, which also happens. Unless I forgot the bit where she says, no, no, no, you're 14. I'll kill that typist. No, so I know, and I have a friend who knows about stuff like this

and he says children don't really remember anything until they're about four. Right, you know, nothing specific. All right, Buzzkill. Yeah, OK. So I thought, well, he'll remember this party, so I want to make it, you know, I want to make it particularly special. Oh, he'll certainly remember it.

Yes, well, he, I have to say, he loved it. He did. I found it one of the most stressful events of my entire life, including all my performing career on live television, enormous gigs, and this. This. Once seeing Katherine Jenkins approaching from the opposite side of the alley with a pitchfork. Can I tell you, there was a moment when I realised

you might be quite stressed, was when I overheard you saying to your manager's assistant, who said, can I get you anything? And you said, a bottle of brandy would be nice. Yes. Of course, he knows better than to take me seriously on that, otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here now. But, yeah, oh, God.

Other people's parties I've grown into as I've got older. But when you actually organise something yourself, you spend the whole thing just worrying about it. It wasn't until the first bin liner came out to clear up that I had a headache for the whole event, and it went when I saw, I realised that it was over. You also got locked outside, and when we let you back in, you said, oh, well, it was over you also got locked outside and when we let you back in you said oh well it was better than being locked inside yes yes I was a little negative

also there was a woman cleaning up there and I said where do we put the bin liners and she said you must take them away you I thought yes all if, you know, the next sentence was going to be, because of the Nazis, find them here. But she was so aggressive and unkind to me. Oh, dear. At that stage, I just... She's lucky I didn't just fall to my knees and sob like a... Oh, Frank.

Well, Buzz had a lovely time, except he had same-dress nightmare. He did, yes. There were two Supermans. That's the trouble with superhero themes. Same-dress nightmare. He did, yes. There were two Supermans. That's the trouble with superhero themes. Same-dress nightmare is always a risk. That's a hazard, though. Yeah.

And life will deal him, you know, the skills to cope with that, I think. It's a good early lesson. No-one went to Clark Kent and then became Superman later. But, you know, they're four. Yeah. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, um, I hired some entertainment for my

child's party. Can we say it was age appropriate? Oh yeah, last time you mentioned entertainment on this show. I won't name them because I'd like someone else to fall for it. They were... I thought they sounded like you last time with the Brits. I was a bit disappointed, I'll be honest with you.

Oh, that's a shame. You were, weren't you? You made that quite obvious. Yes, it was two people, a man and a woman. It's not relevant where they came from, but they had that sort of Bela Lugosi accent. And they did... Well, I'm going to call them songs. Songs from the old country, I'd call them.

I was speaking to your friend John, and he was a witty fellow and he was when they played akuna matata because i'd requested some uh oh i didn't hear that i thought you did hear it which didn't recognize which was to be to his credit recognized him um but i um i'd asked for something they said do you want us you want any requests? And I said, well, he loves The Lion King, so do that. And John said to me, it sounds like they've never actually, that someone's told them about Hakuna Matata rather than they've actually heard it. He also said to me in a very actor way, they're saving themselves, these lot. They're saving themselves.

And the reason he said that was that one of the first things the woman said to me was, we must start now. And I said, God, a woman hasn't said that to me in that accent for years. And I said, no, there's only four children here. She said, no, but we have a rehearsal with Britain's Got Talent. And one of them was me without heels. Sorry, Frank. but we have a rehearsal with Britain's Got Talent. And one of them was me without heels.

Sorry, Frank. So we have a rehearsal with Britain's Got Talent. Yeah. Oh. So I thought, well, obviously they're putting a second, but they're going to be amazing. I don't know how they got on. But, no, I mean, I don't know how on earth they got on.

But, so they... How can I put it? They had a matinee feel to them. Right. They felt, yes. Saving some energy for the late show. And they also kindly offered to supply the goodie bags. Right.

I would say they redefined the whole concept of the goodie bag. They were quite minimalist. You know when you watch a cop drama and they have that bag that's things from the crime scene? Oh, yeah. It was like that. A forensic bag or something. Just with, like, a bit of fingernail

and a sample of some blood from the clothing. It was like that. Well, that's not true. There was a lovely 24-page photocopied booklet about how you could hire them. Oh, yeah, there was. Their brochure was in there. Their brochure? Yeah. But other than that, goodie was not the word, was it?

Baddie? I think it was a baddie bag. There was a brown bouncing ball. I didn't know you could buy brown bouncing balls. That was a fun. What worried me is they had 14 rabbits in the van. It was... But, you know, the kids didn't seem to notice, and that's the great thing about kids.

And that's also, of course, what children's entertainers so often rely on. You did take it very seriously. At one point, you were wandering around so stressed, and you came over to me and went, they're just not playing to their audience. No. I know, but Frank, it wasn't a corporate. I mean, they were four-year-olds.

It was, um, it's one of the worst things that's ever happened to me. And if they're listening, thank you so much. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Can I begin with a tweet that we had recently? It wasn't this morning, a few days back.

This is from, I can't actually understand the Twitter handle, but there you go, I think it's atbamalula. Okay. Is it based on Is it based on... Is it based on that? That was quite erotic. I like you doing that. Oh. Who says,

talking about nominative determinism, determinism, which we were discussing last week... Oh, yes. This is when... Does your name have an effect on your career choice? Yes. Well, at Bamalula... Yeah. You didn't finish it. on your career choice. Yes. Well, at Bamalua... Yeah. I've got bamboo.

You didn't finish it. You mean... Bamboo! Yes. What does he do, then? If his name had an effect on his career choice? He falls downstairs in a deep-sea diving outfit. He sells bamboo furniture, maybe.

Oh, OK. It says, Frank equals honest direct speech. Skinner equals unpeels the facade to reveal the hidden truth. Very good. Fairly is my real name. Next. We've also had an email, I think, that is also about nominative determinism, because the title of the email is Names That Lead To Jobs.

Oh, I like it. I like that. Hello, Frank, Alan and the gorgeous Emily. Keen podcaster here. I really like this one. Yeah. Keen podcaster here. Watching TV this quiet Friday night when the weather came on the TV presented by Sarah Blizzard.

This reminded me of your podcast the other week where names lead people into their jobs. It's funny it had been Sahara Blizzard. Oh, yeah. That reminded me of your podcast the other week where names lead people into their jobs. It's funny it had been Sahara, Blizzard. Oh, yeah. That would have been fantastic. That's the stuff dreams are made of, isn't it? Yeah, but that's well spotted. What about Wincy Willis?

It's a bit wincy today. People might say that sometimes. No, that doesn't work at all. If they have a problem with Ds and Cs in their pronunciation, like some people do. That doesn't work. Quincy Willows would work, wouldn't it? Quincy

is a... Well, hang on, don't have a go at him, Frank. What are you talking about? You could say Wincy Willows. I was just trying to think off the top of my head, as it were, of another weather person. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio.

I wouldn't mind doing another in our series The Past Oh yeah In which I talk about the past And see if things are still continuing Into the present As I pointed out last week You are in your own way the voice of history

I am The voice of history I was watching something the other day And I saw a phenomenon, and I thought, oh, does that still happen? It wasn't very old footage, but I associate it with the past. And it was somebody doing that short but tense walk

from the police van to the courthouse with the privacy blanket over my head. Oh, do you know, I love a privacy blanket. Is it, does it still continue that? I wonder if it's if it's just pointless now in the world of the social media, I wonder if they're

just going, oh, this is coming out eventually. Well, people tend to wear the hoodie now, you can just, I'd put a hoodie on if I was convicted of a crime. Oh, no, I'd rather have a privacy blanket than a hoodie at my age. I... I... It's... I'd like to think it continues. It's very ad hoc, though.

When you first see it, you think, oh, they've just thought, oh, we need to cover him up, and there just happened to be a blanket in there. It was grey, Frank. Yeah, when you saw it, well, it was black and white for the first 20 years. Imagine the amount of Brylcreem it had on it, that one. Because those 50s murderers, they were

copious with their hair products. They weren't that at Brylcreem. They were meticulous. They were. But I thought, it looks as if it was as if, oh, we'll put that blanket over him. But then clearly, that they kept a blanket specially for that purpose. Was it in the back of the mariah, which is a word you don't often hear used these days?

No, in the black mariah. And they would say, get the privacy blanket. And there's even a way, you don't just put it over your head like when you, you know when you're under the bedspread and you sit up. You have to hold your hands slightly. What, you get the grey prison blanket out? But you have to slightly hold your hands so it sort of looks like a hovering cloud. I suppose there was more dog excrement in those days, so you had to look where you were stepping. Even in that, even in that, one of the most difficult moments of your life.

Yeah. Nobody wants to step in dog eggs from it. It's that extra 1% to a tragedy. They can push a murderer over the edge. Maybe into a rash confession or something. Exactly. Similar. And I've really got...

Is there any police people or court officials? Or 1950s murderers? Yeah, there might be one or two. There could be a few baddies listening to this that might have the voice of experience. There could be people who know what a privacy blanket looks like from the inside. Yes. I'd love to know if it's still... I don't know if we want to encourage them.

I mean, I would. If I... If I ever get involved in a very heavy-duty crime, I'm going to insist on a beekeeper's hat. That'd be great, wouldn't it? Because there's a little...

It's tantalising. There's a hint of the features. Yes! But I don't know if it's really come out in a photograph. Yeah. So you just think, oh, nearly there. I'd go Wedding Vale, I think. Wedding Vale for me.

Oh, would you? Just because you're a murderer, never lose an element of tease. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The next question is, anyone texted who's been in a police van and heard... What about those people that bang on the side? Why do they do that? I've always thought about those people. I can never side with the people that bang on the side. Why do they do that? I've always thought about those people.

I can never side with the people that bang on the police. I know often the people in the police van have done wrong things. But often they haven't been actually sent, they haven't been found guilty. I was still reeling from they've done wrong things. But also, those people, I'm always

reminded of the foolish villagers in Beauty and the Beast. Yes, yes. They turn on the beast. Is that actually all right? They turn on that beast like a sixpence, Frank. Yeah, and all that stuff. Oh, Britain, and all that, get the beast. Just think about what you're doing.

Yeah. At some point they should say, I don't want to be a foolish villager. That's what they should say. He needed a big blanket, the Beast. Well, you'd better get the king size out. Yeah. Don't go there with that cushion cover. I mean, you've got to cover the Beast.

It'll need a lot of coverage. I must cover the Beast. I'll be back in an hour. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skin hour. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Anyway, it was done with. So then we went on and we did stuff.

And I did something I hadn't done since I was about 15. I rode, rode, rode a boat gently down the stream. Oh, nice. And, um... How was it? Tiring. Well, nice. Oh. And, um... How was it? Tiring. Well, it was... I realised I'd learnt nothing

from all those years on the disco floor. Oh, yeah? Going ups, ups. I'd learnt... I sort of thought that that might have given me just a general sense of rhythm. Yeah. Sort of a mini head start.

Yeah. Not transferable skills. I've always thought that it was the popularity of that song that led to our years of rowing domination in the Olympics. No, I think it was something else. Do you? Yeah. You think that's Rolex?

I think it was rowing. I think it was lack of available books to read or something. No. Well, yeah, maybe. But I... Is there a past time where people have to lean forward and then lean back again? Yeah, but let's not

talk about that now. Okay. So I thought, well, you know, I know, I've got that, I know what you do. So the first thing I got on and someone said to me, excuse me, you're facing the wrong way. And I thought that shouted at me before as well.

And I said, am I? I said, isn't it? It's pointy bit first, isn't it? You didn't say that. Yeah. Another one of my catchphrases. I've got to stop. I've got to stop doing this now.

This is turning into absolute film. It did. So I ended up, this is how I was told to sit, in the middle of the boat. Sorry, was this just a well-wisher or someone responsible for the boat hire? Well, I was at a rather exclusive resort. Yes, I think I've been there as well. In Oxfordshire.

And so the rowing lake adjoins the swimming pool and a place where people sit outside and drink, I'm guessing, Bacardi and Coke. Right. They had that look to them. No one drinks that anymore, Frank. Do you know the Bacardi adverts were the beautiful people? It was like that. And I arrived as if Jamie Vardy had arrived in a rowing boat.

And they said, so I ended up, the pointy bit was behind me so I was going backwards now that's what this bloke who sounded like he'd yachted so he probably knew but I the trouble is I couldn't see where I was going now Bazzi was sitting facing me

remember he's four years old he kept leaning across to try and see past me to see if there was any bikes coming Now, Barsley was sitting facing me. Remember, he's four years old. He kept leaning across to try and see past me to see if there was any bikes coming. Every time he leaned, the whole boat... I mean, I was wearing a life jacket, and so was he. I wore a life jacket. I mean, this thing was next to the swimming pool and bar area, and I had a life jacket on.

And it was about two feet deep that way. I was so frightened. It was a bit deeper than that, maybe four feet. But I was terrified. So, and the other thing, I've always had this thing, and maybe any of our readers might know this. What's always worried me about a life jacket is what about when it takes its flotation moment,

if you're facing downwards, would it then keep you facing downwards? No, it tips you onto your back. Are you absolutely sure? Yeah. Well, I wasn't prepared to risk that. No, you don't want to test it. No, but, um, so I ended up going backwards.

The pointy bit behind me, I couldn't see where I was going. And I had a series of incidents. Uh-oh. We'll come to that. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Chris Davis is on the Twitter, is very impressed, saying, I love that Frank knows all the nautical terms,

the pointy end. Yes, but is there any more? Perhaps Chris Davis was that. Correct. Chris Davis could maybe tell me if that's correct, that when you row, the pointy end is behind you and you go backwards is that how you're supposed to row oh yeah because it has why are there no wing mirrors on a rowing boat that's a good point because that's exactly what i was desperate for a wing

mirror i'll just use your compact that's what i do you just check your blinds didn't have my compact i don't powder anymore it gets on my collar Especially if you've got a coat with a fur attachment. Couldn't you just do an over-the-shoulder glance like a motorcyclist? I was too frightened to do that. I thought if I did that the whole day, I'll be trapped underneath it. Remember that boat that was trapped at sea for about three days underneath his boat? I thought about that. You were in a lake in a private member's bar.

I know, but... You could have waded out of. I don't know if I'd have got help. There's a bit where I got stuck next... I literally got stuck next to the outside swimming pool. Oh, that's not embarrassing. Who was in there? Melvin Bragg doing that?

No. How embarrassing. It had six people in. Three men, three women. There were six of the most beautiful people I've ever seen in my life. And it was... Worst places to be stuck. But what is it about...

How humiliating. What is it about... How humiliating. What is it about the posh, that even if they're just in their swimming costumes, you recognise them as being posh before they've spoken. It's just something about the way they stand and their look. Very long necked. Very long necked, yeah. And their swimming costumes are made of that red corduroy

that poor people can't buy somehow. Well, I didn't... So I was literally... I'd got myself trapped against the swimming pool outer edge. I can't bear this. It's like Mel is the gamekeeper. And I couldn't work it out without our life jackets on. And these people go... And they'd got no help from them.

They were literally too posh to push. So I was stuck there for probably about four minutes. And it just looked... I felt like I was some bloke who'd just come in to have a closer look at these women in their scanties. But it was... Oh, I had to use the oar to push myself away. I couldn't get very good purchase.

Do you think they thought that maybe you'd just come awry and you'd been on a canal in Birmingham and you'd just ended up there somehow? Maybe they did think that. If they'd heard of Birmingham, they might have thought of that. Or they might have thought it was Skinner's About. Finally, Jeremy Beadle had been replaced. But, oh, dear, it was so difficult.

But I genuinely would like to know if I was facing the right way. OK. So when I finally got back to the sort of landing area, I couldn't work out how I could reach across and actually tie it to the, you know, moor it, as they say. It was very moorish. Yeah. I thought, if I move across there, say. It was very moorish. Yeah.

I thought, if I move across there, the whole thing's going to tip off. And obviously, Boz couldn't help. So I called across. There was a guy having a sort of a cocktail. Turned out to be Alan Yenton. And I said, excuse me. And he said, yeah. I said, could you tie that?

I'm sorry, but could you tie that rope? He didn't. Yeah, and he was okay about it. And I said, could you help my child to get out as well? He's only four. So he took his hand and got him out. And then he looked at me and he said, do you want me to help you out as well?

Yeah. And I said, yes, I do. So he actually took my hand. I got up in my life, Jackie. That's weird. And climbed on. You had a humiliating climb down whilst climbing up in my life jacket. That's weird. And climbed on. You had a humiliating climb down whilst climbing up. Yeah, exactly. But if that man is listening, thank you so much. I still, I like that you had the life jacket on. I know. I mean, Hank. Oh, the anguish

of it. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You know, I like to scroll through the emails of Absolute, and if any come in on Friday night. I think you should have a TV show called Friday Night Troll. Oh, God, I can't imagine the content of that. But, yeah, all right, fine. I think you should have an FNT jingle. Make it happen, guys.

Exactly, we should do that. Which would you like? Alan Cochran's FNT. I've found a couple that I'm interested in relaying you. Would you prefer ponds first or road, road, road, the boat? Road, road, road, the... Oh, that might be about me rowing. Oh, it's all about you.

No, no, let's do it. No one answered. I was on a boat with the pointy end rowing but the pointy end behind me which is what i'd been told by a man on the side and i couldn't see where i was going which is a dilemma so i i was trying to find out a couple of weeks ago was it or maybe last yes it may have been last week um whether i was the right way around maybe this is a question i think you were no it, it doesn't. Hello, Frank, Emily and Alan.

Hello. I was listening to the podcast story about you being rescued in a boat at that exclusive resort in Oxfordshire. Yes. And as I was listening to the tale, I instantly recognised that it was familiar to me and I knew the end of the story already. The reason for this was that my son Michael had relayed the very same tale to me days before you did.

He was the man you mentioned who assisted you that day. Shut up! And I played him this podcast, so just to let you know, he did get your thanks via his mother. So there you go. Oh, Michael! That's nice, isn't it? Thank you, Michael. You rowed the boat ashore.

Hallelujah. Yes! All together now. Michael rowed the boat ashore. Come. All together now. Michael rode the boat to shore. Come on, sing it. Alleluia. Let me hear you. Michael rode the boat.

Absolute radio where real music matters. Who's singing next? A glimpse of stocking. Oh, I love the sound of Mikey. Yes, I'm calling him Mikey already. Yeah, we haven't answered the question talking. Oh, I love the sound of Mikey. Yes, I'm calling him Mikey already. Yeah. We haven't answered the question what end is meant to go forward. Well, I mean, the pointy must

go forward because it's obviously made to cut through the water. Oh, yes, man. Like the pointy bit of a knife goes through let's say a mature cheese. Yeah. But where's it you're supposed to face? I must admit, the whole pulling notion

does seem, it does seem to be that you, but not know where you're going. No wing mirrors. Wing mirrors is the answer, I think. Oh, I don't like wing mirrors. Wouldn't it be great if people have been rowing for all that time and then you come along and have one cracker and add something, like wing mirrors. Yeah, and revolutionise rowing.

Oh, it'd be like suitcase wheels. Honestly. You might get an honour from the Queen, Frank. I've never seen wing mirrors on a rowing boat. No, me neither. I've seen a diamond ring. I've seen a

needle winky tie. We're going to run through everything you have seen. I think I did about everything When I see Wing mirrors and a rainbow Is that okay? Real music, what does it do? Matter. Thank you.

Is that our slogan? Yeah. Yes, did you not know that's the absolute right to have a slogan? Of course I did. Real music matters. That's a lovely slogan. Well done, boffins. It used to be. When we started, the absolute slogan was perno-cures-hangovers. Somebody said it was too laddish. I thought it was, why can't you play some nickelback?

Oh, yeah. It was that. I don't know if it was a slogan. It was certainly a regular text on this show. It's the weekly texting. Oh. Then you get, like, the odd more sophisticated to sound, sans Nickelback, question mark. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.