The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Best Of 2016 Part 2

Episode Date: December 31, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. It's the best of Frank Skinner so what you gonna do about it? Take a trip down memory lane with the sounds of clapping, sloshing and Elton John's worst lyrical moments probably? Enjoy!

Hello, this is Frank Skinner, and yes, you're listening to the best bits of 2016. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm not sure about Dame Judi Dench getting the tattoo in Latin, though, because I don't think it's, like, I don't know why it's more... I call it a latu. A latu, nice. I don't know why it becomes more wise, because it's in a language that she doesn't really use. Exactly, a dead language.

She's old enough, that's probably her native tongue. That and Esperanto. That's how old she is, right? She talks Latin at home. Well, her daughter... If I got a bit of wisdom, like, you know, you buy cheap, you buy twice. Yeah.

If I got that translated into Cornish, a language that I don't speak but exists and then tattooed on my back, would that make it wise? Well, you should have it in Glaswegian. That's your... I do speak. I do know that. It would make it a bit cooler than you having, if you buy cheap, you buy twice. Especially as

it's the very opposite of your world view. It is not. I like that. Sort of thing Duncan Bannatyne would have tattooed. If I was... Bogoff. He'd have Bogoff. If I was... Bog off. He'd have bog off. If I was 81 and I had a tattoo, I think it would be my name and address. Sort of an aide de mémoire. Nice.

You know, she said it was a gift from her daughter, Finty. Yeah, how do you know that? And she said she's wonderful with surprises. Well, she suddenly... Can't be a surprise. Did she get home one night and was suddenly wrestled to the ground by two blokes who got tattooed? Like how you do...

Like how they do sheep. I don't know, but that's one of my fantasies. Depends on the tattoo. If it is a surprise... Then I don't want it. If it is a surprise, does the daughter choose Carpe Diem and where it is? Like, did she pick the wrist?

I think Finty's a strong character. Finty, yeah. Right. I don't think it could have been... She couldn't have a facial tattoo, Judy did. I mean, I can't pick a tattoo for my mum. She couldn't have a... I know a bloke who had death to all skinheads on his forehead. Right. That would lose her a lot of work. Yeah. I mean, I can't pick a tattoo for my mum, can I? She couldn't have a- I know a bloke who had death to all skinheads on his forehead.

Ricky laughs Steve in the background Right. That would lose her a lot of work. Yeah. Oh, skinhead escapes. Was that a gift from his son? Ricky laughs It was, uh, something he was very- he ended up, um, looking after, um, donkeys in a-

Right. In a home for, uh, a children's home. I'd have no time to know Mo Sharif. On my forehead. That'd be lovely. Yeah. I mean, one of the joys... I just saw Michael Gove on the telly.

I've never had, for years, had the urge to do a dead leg. More. I just, I felt the knee going. I'm sorry you were bullied. Stop taking it out on us. You weren't in the cool team. It's not our fault. I suppose if you're 81 and you have Carpe Diem

on your arm, you're sort of reminding yourself that, you know, there aren't that many days left and to live them all to the full, I consider that... Yes. I like it. Yeah. There was a famous Eastern potentate. Love that word, Frank. Yes.

A leader. And he had a... That's for anyone with a pink iPad out there. For the groundlings listening. The pink iPad brigade. Very good use of groundlings by Alan Rousey. And he used to have a man who was paid that every day he would go up to him and say,

one day you will die. That was his job. Charming. Yeah. It's not a bad gig, though, is it? No. I mean, it's easy, isn't it? No.

You'd get in some of your own hobbies around that work, couldn't you? But that was his job, and it just helped him to remember mortality and not to get ideas too. I don't know if you can get ideas above your station if your station is potentate. But anyway, I just, can you imagine when someone comes up to you and says, you know the bloke that says, um, the day you will die, it's his birth, it's his birth, do you want to sign a card?

I don't know what to put on it, what do you put on it? To him. Well, we've already got cheer up four times, can you put something different? I don't, I don't even know him, he only, anyway. We've already got cheer up four times. Can you come up with something different? I don't... I don't even know him. He only... Anyway. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I'll tell you what I had this week, which is... Tom.

Have you ever had this? I mean, it might... I know when comedians say, just me then, that means a joke has just gone down the toilet. But do you ever have that thing when you're walking along and you've had a drink and it's just splashing about inside you? Oh, yes, I know that.

You're not a complicated mammal at all. You're just like a receptor. I had that this week and I thought, why has this happened? I can just hear it. It's like being a bottle of something. You just hit, I know the audible sloshing. What is that? I've had it many, do you get it, Alan?

Yeah, I've had that. But why does, it doesn't happen very often. Usually it goes down into, it goes down into the internal workings. Well, let's not say where it goes down into. Well, no, but it's, you know, it's subsumed. It goes down into the not-without-an-engagement ring areas. Yeah, it does, but eventually... But what I mean is, when you swallow it, it goes somewhere quiet quite quickly.

Oh, yeah. It goes into a padded area of some kind. I think it is a business lounge. Yeah, but why... At the airport. But what about the just splashing about like it hasn't gone anywhere? Been denied entry to the

uh, quiet park. Well, I wonder, I wonder if I think I've left the plug in or something. It all sounds a bit, um, oh, I don't know. Other cordials are available, Frank, obviously, but I always imagine it as being a bit Robinson's cordial. That's what it's all about, eh?

What have I been drinking? I mean, I do drink a lot of barley water, but I think I've just been drinking water. Really? No, I'm sloshy. You've got a slosh from water. It's a weird boast from you that I do drink a lot of barley water. I do. People tuning in going, legend! But it's not like I'd done a sort of Irish coffee

type drinking to try and make it sit on the surface in any way. But I could... This is what I could hear as I walked down the street. Now I shouldn't be making that, I'm a human being for God's sake. You are. I mean, that's what I've always

categorised you as. Alright, Frank, yeah, fine. What's that noise? Oh, it's me. If there's anyone who knows the way around the human anatomy, listen... Not you, mate. Not you.

The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I've been on holiday this last week. Oh, how was that? I had a staycation. As they call it. Oh. Did you have a steak?

It's all gone a bit Brexit Britain. I didn't have a steak. I went to... I was in the New Forest. Oh, I love it round there. Do you know why? It's Hall City. There aren't... There's horses just in the back.

They roam. They do, they roam wild. They're, they're, uh... Horses, do they? Yeah, they're everywhere. Really? Well, I think they're, they're ponies, officially. Yeah. They're big ponies, I tell you that.

Huh? They do some big ponies. Anyway, um, there was, uh, we decided to have a bit of a- So it's you, Kath and Buzz. Yeah, so we decided to have an outing. So, um, we set off for the new Forest Reptile Centre. Oh. Do you know it?

It's a lovely place to go on a heatwave. Lovely smells. Well, they're used to it. Of course, the reptiles, they lap it up. Love it. So, um, we, 2.2, it said on the sat-nav. Right. So I thought, nice.

And 90 minutes later... No. I was still searching for it. Oh, dear. I tried absolutely everything you could think of, putting different things in. There was a place called Emery Down, which is nearby. I put that in, just in case there was a sign.

Emery Down, of course, reminded me when I was in the army with Dick Emery. Oh, yeah. We went on that. He got shot. Yeah. That was a terrible... Somebody showed it.

Terrible lie. Emery Down. Oh, you are awful. Oh, yeah. Is that what you said to him? Was that his final word? I did say it, but I'll be honest with you, I didn't. Oh, yes. Is that what you said to him? Well, the funny thing... It was his final word. But I'll be honest with you, I didn't like him that much. You are awful, and consequently, I care very little for you.

No, but I couldn't... I mean, I drove around and around and around looking for this place, and I had the postcode and everything. So what was it called? It was called the New Forest Reptile Centre. And it's not listed on the sat-nav? I'm starting to think maybe the chameleons were having too much influence on that place.

That'll be it. Unfindable. But it's so frustrating, because, you know, you get to that, I'm not going to give up on this, it exists, I've got adverts for it yeah absolutely absolutely did you find it ever no really you just gave up though no i have 90 minutes and in the end like boss why didn't you call it why didn't you go back to the hotel 2.2 miles. We were asked, we asked people, you know, local type people.

Uh-huh. You know, in smocks. Saying that in a legal gentleman manner. Yeah, and they were saying, no, I don't know. The hotel could have helped. How old was the leaflets that you were looking at? I know we went online as well. Ah. And it was talking about events that were happening there in recent times.

I think I was thinking, do you know what a trap street is? A trap street? I was thinking it could be the landmark sort of equivalent. A trap street is, I only know this from Doctor Who, but I'll tell you as if I know it from general knowledge. People who do street maps are very wary of doing all the hard work and then having it copied by someone else who puts them in. Yes.

So they invent streets and stick them in there so that if the other person puts them in their thing, they can prove that they've copied it. That is good. Yes. Clever little cartographers. So I'm wondering if this was a trap reptile centre that had been invented to sell people things.

That sounds a bit Pokemon Go now to me. Yeah. Well, you catch some great beauties there. Anyone, look, if anyone has ever been to the new Forest Reptile Centre and can establish that it exists. It's on very regional radio. What up there? Here's Tony Braxton.

I think the Reptile Centre needs to be monitored. Oh. Needs to be monitored. Yeah, monitored, yeah, I understand. Come on! I think I struggled with this last time you did a monitor-based joke. He loves a monitor-based joke. The only person in the world who does.

You suggested I'm recycling. Outrageous. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank, you were talking about how you think they might be quite active in the Olympic village. I said they live it up. Or they love the night time.

Yeah, they love it up. They live it up. Oh, they love the night time. Yeah, they love it up. They live it up and love it up. Well... Damn you, Freud. I was just telling you off-hour, I was recalling when I went over to the Olympics in Athens. Oh, yes. Not as a competitor.

No. But I did go over there, and I saw a couple of nights running, I'd see the wrestlers who I'd seen during the day, or the weightlifters who were my favourites, they do actually do that. They were going round the bars of Athens in their swimming costume things they wear, the tankini swimming costume. Just wearing that? No, they had a tracksuit over it. Yeah.

And the medals going to girls, because they, I mean, it's the ultimate. going to girls because they I mean it's the ultimate It's a bit like that person who texted in and said I always suggest swimming as a second date so I've never looked to whether it's worth persevering I mean they're basically saying look I've got the medal

are you in? Channel 4 have picked up that idea and run with it It's extraordinary That is amazing walk around with your medal on Walk around with his medal on. It's a kind of 1970s look revived. But also, Steve, I felt there was an honesty, in a sense, to the transaction. It's a bit like saying, I'm on telly.

I'm hideous, but I'm on telly. It's like my Frank Skinner name badge at the test match. Yeah. But it is, because you're going to bring up the gold medal, Steve. Of course. You might as well just wear it. Just get it out there. Was there any bronze on display?

The silver and bronze? No, I think he was silver. He might have had two. But we saw him talk to at least three women. He was doing very well with that medal. If you meet someone in a bar, it's good to know that they've medalled. It's like if ugly men just carry around a printout of your bank statement. Yes.

Well, I've got a T-shirt. In fact, now I'm going to add my IMDB. What's the initials? IMDB. Yes, I'm going to add that. Do you know you've got several entries? Yes, well, not for years. I am, I, I, on the shower curtain.

I'm still, I'm still dealing with that. Okay. Thank you. I stayed at a B&B in Southend with an ex-girlfriend. Oh. Well, I wasn't with an ex-girlfriend, she was, she was my current girlfriend at the time. And we, this woman was called, perhaps I shouldn't name her, but anyway, we went into, we checked in.

Oh, why not? In case she's still alive. OK. And I remember the shower curtain there had got, I would say it had the human hair of at least ten people on it. I suggested that you could actually peel away the shower curtain and there would be a human hair shower curtain that was sturdy enough

to operate on its own. It was incredible. And that woman, she checked in, me and this woman, and she's very nice, you know, welcome, thanks very much and I hope you have a nice time in Southend. Took us up to the room and stuff like that, went away. And we were, I'll be honest, we were on the bed canoodling. Ten minutes later... Sounds like some confessions of a comedian film. Ten minutes later, suddenly the door burst open and it was this same woman with two people with suitcases and she went, who on earth are you?

She checked us in. She checked us in ten minutes earlier to that room. And my girlfriend... Can I say I love the use of honour? I love it. And my girlfriend was so terrified by this madness that when we got back from us doing the gig there, when we got back,

I had to look under the bed and in the wardrobe to prove that this woman wasn't... And we had to put a chair by the door, Alan Cochran style, to make sure she didn't burst in again in the middle of the night. That's terrifying. It's a good thing they didn't find,

like, you weren't experimenting with the human hair shower curtain. But even had she not... We weren't experimenting with the human hair shower curtain. But even had she not... We weren't experimenting with anything, let me make that clear. Even had she not checked you in ten minutes earlier, it seems a very extreme reaction if you run a hotel and you see human beings in your room, to say, who on earth are you?

But ten minutes earlier. I mean, it wasn't as embarrassing as it could have been. As I said when I took those two monkeys to the taxidermist, holding hands, not mounted. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Speaking of age, what about this? I had the other night... You put the fear of God into me when you say things like that.

I had a bowl of blackberries the other night, sitting watching the Olympics. Very underrated, the blackberry. They are. Very underrated. Because in a way, you know, I'm still not totally sure. The blackcurrant, the blackberry is the one with multiple orbs. The blackberry, I'm going a darker, harder raspberry. Yes.

Yeah. OK. Good summary. I enjoyed your pronunciation of blackberry, because it made me want to go bam-a-lam. Oh, blackberry? Yeah. Bam-a-lam. Ah!

Blackberry! Anyway, so I had, what I like is a bowl of, it's fruit, with a bit of yoghurt on top. That's how I live my life. Natural? Well, we got a few fruit yoghurts and it occurred to me that we'd got blackberry yoghurt. And I thought, well, now is this a good thing

or a bad thing, blackberry yoghurt on blackberries? And I said to Kath, can I ask you advice? Advice? You actually needed advice on it. And she said, what?

And I said, because we've been together a long time, I said, what do you think about blackberry yoghurt on blackberries? She said, I don't know. And I said, is it? And then I said one of the oldest person things I think I've ever said. Do you think it's a bit too much of a muchness? person thinks I think I've ever said. Do you think it's a bit too much of a muchness?

I'd even forgotten that anyone had ever said that and it just came out naturally out of me. Is it too much of a muchness? I mean, a younger man would have opted for overkill presumably. He would have said, oh, is it going to harsh my mellow

or something like that. Have I created a yoghurt tautology? Yeah, but I was so natural to me. Too much of a monster. That's what's wrong with this show. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We went to the M&M's shop. You ever been there?

No. It's not themed around the M&M's shop. You ever been there? No. It's not themed around the popular hip-hop style. Not M&M, is it? No, it's the sweets, isn't it? Yeah, when I say shop, I'd say it's a superstore. It wouldn't be an exaggeration. I'd say it's a world. M&M's world, I think it is.

It's always puzzled me that having that prime bit of real estate. I want to say to people outside London, this isn't like Leicester Square, absolute prime spot. Yeah? Yeah. Well, it's all over the world. I've always found it a bit...

I mean, it's not literally low rent, but it is a bit low rent. It's a bit Paul Raymond. I mean, Leicester Square in general. But the... I don't know, if I was the person who'd invented Smarties, I'd stand outside the M&M shop and think, where did I go wrong? Yeah.

Why are M&Ms got their own shop and Smarties barely got their own tube? I don't even think it's the best one for the shop. But which were first? Were Smarties first? Yeah. There ought to be a court case. Surely someone's noticed they are quite similar in their nature. Have M&M's got anything in them or are they just

chocolate discs? You can get chocolate discs covered in that. So they're not all peanut. With the M on them. And you can get peanut M&M's, Al. Yeah, that's the ones that I'm aware of. No, but it's basically, it's chocolate that's been enameled, in the general sense I'm aware of. No, no, but it's basically, it's chocolate that's been enameled.

Right, yeah, yeah. That's the general sense of it. But Smarties, I cannot, they're the same sweet. I prefer Smarties, personally. One's got a big shop. Are the Smartie people just... That might be the problem.

Are they getting on with the job rather than going, let's show off? What, making the sweets? No, I think one of the problems is the M&M's have got... It's a show-off shop, isn't it? In fact, Alan's just accused them of being show- one of the problems is the M&M's have got... It's a show-off shop, isn't it? Alan's just accused them of being show-offs,

the people who make M&M's. It's like a big show-off shop, isn't it? It's like, yeah, we're doing that well, we've got this corner of Leicester Square. It was extraordinary, wasn't it? But you can't imagine a bounty superstore. No, I don't understand. I can't imagine any confectionery.

I'd like... Double-decker. Come on, flake, old twigs and gnarled old branches. Oh, yes. Like a forest of flakes. They could be served by stick insects serving behind them. Well, no, the 70s lady in the floppy hat. Oh, come on.

Couldn't get away with that. No, but... He's having a moment. I'm having a moment. I think part of it is because there's a figure, there's a sort of a character involved with M&M's in a way that isn't with Smarties. Is the character essentially two arms with white gloves?

I wouldn't say that's a character. They've taken the sweet and given it life. Smarties, they're just, oh, just get them out there. They've sort of merged the M&M and Mr Potato Head, haven't they? There's no Smartie Pants, the Smarties man, that I know of. I know everyone does this phoning, but, you know, sometimes... I'm going to get to the bottom of this. Why do they get a shop and Smarties don't?

It's a scandal. And then we've had a review of M&M World. A lot of other people have found themselves wandering in there. Ali says, M&M World works. No idea why, but I've been sucked in. £100 worth of cushions. Wow! But I didn't think people went there to do their soft furnishing.

Well, in fairness, Ali, I don't think most people do. Who thinks? You know what, I've got this, I've just bought this new place. I'm going to the M&M shop to... Get a coffee table. Not heels. It would just be a big M&M with four little sticks on the bottom of it. I like the idea of someone making a Pinterest board based on...

Yeah, I've got some ideas. I'll get a mood board together for the interior designers. Mainly yellow and a bit of brown. But once you've got your giant M&M coffee table and people say, there you go, there's your coffee. Oh, don't put it on the slope. Go central. If you're going to go slope, it needs to have a bit of stickiness to it.

You're all right with a lemon drizzle. Put a lemon drizzle on the side, but the hot stuff needs to go at the apex of the curvature. Oh, what about when I gave Buzz a pound? He put it in the machine. This is a great thing that happens at M&M World. Oh, yeah? I gave him a pound.

Is it Cool World? Has someone added that? No, it is Cool World. So it's supposed to be a theme park. Yes. I gave Buzz a pound, and there's a great game at M&M World where you give a child a pound,

they put it in the machine, they get a penny back. Yeah. I mean, it's all gone a bit Brexit in there. And also a squashed penny that you can't... Yeah. It's one of those where it stamps it into a shape. I mean, Buzz was happy.

I couldn't see what on earth it was. It was some sort of vintage car. I'm assuming it had two M&Ms driving it. Yeah. Well, I was desperately searching for a reference point in there, and so I found fashion, which always anchors me. And I saw a little baseball cap, which I tried on. M&M Wild...

But that actually looked all right. That would be great. If you started to wear an M&M baseball cap, that would be a turn-up for the books. It looked much better than the jacket I tried on with the coconut mushroom epaulets. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

I went to the circus. Did you? This week. And what do you think about this? I was applauding and my partner, Kath, who was obviously sitting next to me

said, can you sort of clap with your fingers a bit more? It's hurting my ears. What were you using to clap in the first one? I was clapping like this. I was clapping like this. That's a proper clap.

And she said, the trouble is, she said that, you know, it's got a sort of a crack to it. Yeah. Whereas you clap like that. It's a bit more trebly. That's not going to reach the performer, is it? No, I said that. I said, I'm not clapping. She said, it's actually hurting my ears.

And I found myself having to slightly... This is what happens when... Move around the hand to see whether there was a nice compromise. Better the clap. If ever you want to consider the power balance in our relationship, just imagine that moment when I switched to just clapping almost with my fingers. You don't want to make clowns angry at the moment. You want to just clapping almost with my fingers. You don't want to make clowns angry at the moment.

You want to give them a full applaud. There's a lot of scary clowns running around. There are a lot of scary clowns. I don't like the sound of that at all. I don't think we should imply that they're from a circus, though. I think these are just like civilian clowns, aren't they? This clown, Mr Lorenzo, he was a bit saucy, a bit too saucy

at times. Was he? Although he was funny in his other work. But there was certainly a section from the 1970s where I thought, ooh. Oh, really? And Kat said to me, I don't really want our son to learn these sort of attitudes. I thought, it's a circus.

Relax. Oh, oppressed. We've had a suggestion for you. Use motorcycle jeans for the knee pad issue, Frank. Look good on a Friday night, too. Motorcycle jeans? Yeah. Are they leather jeans?

Well, can you get leather jeans? Well, they're leather trousers. Do you have to be denim to be a jean? There has to be denim to be a jean, I think. I think the biker community would call leathers motorcycle jeans, but you can also get them in, like, a denim, so they look... With those pads. With, like, knee... I personally wouldn't use those,

cos I think they're quite a hard knee covering for if you have an off, as they say. Can you, um... I think you'd want a softer... I would suggest volleyball pads. You know, knee pads, but under your trousers. Would you put them straight to the leg? Volleyball pads? I didn't know something existed.

That would just make you look like you had massive knees. Like, massive... I'm not wearing those... He's not worried about his appearance. ...sophistic knees, aren't you? I'm not wearing those massively tight hot pants with my name on the back. You're not? They tend to wear on the volleyball people.

Oh, OK. If that's the rule, then that's the rule. I didn't realise that. I was... Can you buy medieval armour as separates? Good question. Could I just buy the trousers? Any armourers listening?

And we get people from all walks of life listening to this. Is it... Can I get a pair of medieval armoury style trousers and not have to bother with the top? Because I can't think of any reason for them in the garden. Do you know the weirdest place I've ever seen a suit of armour for sale? It really took me by surprise.

It was a shop in a mall in Anchorage, Alaska. And they were selling replica medieval stuff from Europe. And one of the pieces they were selling was medieval stuff from Europe. And one of the pieces they were selling was a full set of armour, metal armour. They have an interest in that, don't they? And I based this on, I recently, I do a show on BBC iPlayer. And celebrities choose shows they like and we talk about it.

And Sally Phillips, the famous comedy actress, chose a documentary about full-contact medieval fighting for women. Oh, yeah. And the Americans were the best at it. They love it. They love a bit of it. And also, there's that bit in Cable Guy when they go to, like, a medieval jousting tournament. Do you remember that?

Yeah. But the things with the armour, what I thought was, in Alaska, it's quite cold. It is. And you've got to be very careful with skin contact on metal. Yes. You could actually flay yourself completely. Yeah. You know. I can

see it. I hadn't thought of that. There's really nothing about armour getting cold, is there? No. This show very rarely gives a health and safety message to the Alaska community. No, it does. It's time it did. Sending it out there. But anyway, can I get armour trousers?

Is that what you'd call them? Yeah, or B. Is your B, is there anybody that wants a top that wants to go halves? Oh, that's it. Someone who gets easily sunburnt who's maybe looking just for a visor. I could put an ad in the paper for that, of course, but would that be an advisor?

Very good. I had to say it, and now I've said it. That's how loud I clap. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Look best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I had a situation. Oh, another one.

They do come up in your life, don't they? Yes, I was... I was getting my bile ducts ready. I've been going to... I was talking about this last week. I've been working in a sort of office because I'm writing at the moment. So I go into a place to do it. So it's a bit, a little bit like having a proper job.

Yes. Going to an office and there's a receptionist and there's, you know, there's a room you can. Do you walk in and say, thanks, Skinner? No, no, I say, morning. And they say, red room or orange room, depending on where I am that day. And it's all a bit like that. And there's things like, you know, people bring around a bit of birthday cake. I mean, it's...

I don't know. I wouldn't want it every day. Don't get me wrong. Are there cards to sign? Yeah, occasionally there are cards. Sometimes they think I'm too big. They don't ask me wrong. Are there cards to sign? Yeah, occasionally there are cards. Sometimes they think I'm too big. They don't ask me. But I'd happy to.

I'll soon put them right. Yeah. So, anyway, there's two receptionists. They job share. They're both lovely. But I've been calling, in as much as I've used the name at all, I think of her anyway as Selina.

Okay. Okay. And then I heard a driving man come into the thing. You know, the sort of... A driver? A driver, yeah. He brought in... A golfer.

You know, they're coming with one of those sack trucks with parcels on them one of those blokes and as he left he said okay I'll see you Celine and then I thought oh now have I

been calling her by the wrong name and she has just smiled and taken it, but inside hated me. I couldn't remember, actually, if I'd ever actually called her, but I think I had. So I think she must have been thinking, well, I can't correct him because he's on television.

Right. And so all her rage and frustration had been internal. I mean, a terrible faulty logic there, isn't there? I know. Anyway, so I thought, what I'll do, I'll ask the other receptionist. Oh, good idea. Yeah. So on the...

I want presence of mind. I respect that. Yeah. So I said, look, can I ask you something? I said, that's a bit weird, but between you and me, what is the name of the other receptionist? And she said, why do you say that? I said, well, it's just, I've called her Selina,

but I heard a driver called her Selina, and I wonder if I may call her the wrong name. She said, no, no, no, you were right. Oh. It was. It was Selina. So I thought, well well i've come out because i felt a bit bad exposing the fact that i had any doubt about it at all yeah but the fact

that i'd got it right and the driver hadn't i felt like a good guy and then she said do you know my name oh she didn't i had a horrible premonition of this coming and And I... Can I just say, that is bold work on her part. Yeah. But, um, I... I felt that I did. Oh! Oh, my God. Here we go. What did you guess? No, I didn't guess.

I don't want to know. I said, um... What did you say? I said, yes. Oh! I thought she'd accept... That'll be it. That's enough, isn't it? Trust me on it. Did you then just stride away?

Well, that was my plan. But why did you say that when you knew? Because if I say yes, and then she'll think, oh, well, that's all right then. She's trying to face it out. She's trying to face it out. Yeah, she didn't accept that.

How surprising. So she said, go on then. I love her. She's got a harshness about her that I think we can all respect. Oh, she's my spirit animal. And I said, I know it. I said, it's a bit, it's a sort of foreign, it's a bit foreign sounding, isn't it? Oh my God.

She said, no. No, I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say it was foreign sounding. And in the end, I just had to break down. And she told me. What was the name? It was Louise. That's a bit French, maybe.

We were pushing it. Yeah. Well, you always push it. And then she gave me a business card. Did she? But it was... It was an aide de mémoire. Yeah. What?

Oh, I like the business card. Oh, it's a bit awkward. And I thought, I mean... Oh. I mean, I feel bad about it. I did know it, though. I did know. I did.

Further, further. But I did know. I did. I did know Feather, feather. No, but I did know. I did. I did know. Oh. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was on the beach at Canberra Sands. Oh, yeah.

And I felt really thirsty. Oh, yeah. And I felt really thirsty. And I know from watching old black-and-white pirate films that if you drink seawater, you go mad. Yeah, you don't want that. You have to be tied to a mast. No, don't. And you don't want to be tied to a mast on a pirate ship

because, as ever, there are opportunists. Opportunists? That's a bad sign for this morning. I've got the first big word wrong. Opportunists, I don't mind as a word, though. Opportunists, it sounds like it could be a word. It's fine, I'd go for it. Opportunists, if you think about it,

they've took the easy way out. Yeah. Anyway, so I was really thirsty and I saw, first of all, what I thought was a beachside cafe. And you know when you get so thirsty, you think, if I don't drink, I'm going to dehydrate and then feel poorly. Yes. So I went over and then I realised it's not, it's obviously not a cafe. It's someone's house.

But I kept going. And the door was ajar so I just walked into their living room. I walked into a home. Celebrity gives you a strange confidence.

And well documented. Yeah, exactly. It certainly has. So I went in and there's a couple sitting there having their breakfast or making their breakfast. And they said, hello. I said, hello. How are you doing?

The bloke said, is it Frank? And I said, yeah. I said I was on the beach and I was really thirsty. I wonder if I could get a drink of water. He said, yeah. He said, do you want some, we're making some breakfast. Do you want some breakfast? Bacon sandwich and stuff.

I said, that's very kind of you. He said, well, it's an anecdote, isn't it? So I thought, that's good, because he's out-fronted the barter system here. Yeah. It's that I get food and, you know, generally, like, nutrition, water, and he gets a bit of a story.

So I was in there about 25 minutes. You just walked into a random person? And Andy and Shona. Is this a shout-out? Is this the first time you've done a shout-out on the show? All it was... Andy and Shona, thanks for the bacon sandwich. See you next time.

It was actually... You know, I've used celebrity in the past to gain, what shall we call it, naughty love. But I've never used it just for a bit of friendship and a bacon sandwich before. And I think I'm of the age now where I realise celebrity is a versatile tool. It doesn't have to be for, you know. It literally opens doors. It does. Into people's houses.

The door was open. Well, it wasn't a jar, but it was unlocked. So you did open the door. Well, it was slightly, I think it was slightly ajar to let the cooking smoke. You broke into somebody's house. I didn't break in. You broke into somebody's house. I walked I didn't break in. You broke into somebody's house. I walked in.

I used my celebrity skeleton key. And they, as I say, you know, that was the deal. I mean, it's a similar deal for, you know, for all those years in hotel rooms. I think you get this, I get the anecdote. It was always the unspoken deal. But Andy outfronted it, you know. Bacon, anecdote, let's do it.

So I think it was lovely and I shall try it again. Beware. If I was your only one listening, get a chain on your door. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio.

So, Deaverish, uh... Beaver Belieber. He asked people to stop screaming during his songs, which, you know... He asked people in Birmingham to stop screaming. He called them obnoxious fans. He told them off in Manchester. He gave them a right telling off. He said, I wanted to say something,

but if you guys don't want me to, I'll just cut straight to the next song. And they all went, hooray! I think so, yeah. Because even people who love, love Beaver with a Passion know the chances of him saying anything of importance. Yeah. He's minuscule. Yeah.

Even his fans who love him going, oh, hey, next song. If he had to do like an item... No, but I just wanted... Can we just listen for one second? No, no, hey, next song. If he had to do like an item... No, but I just wanted to... Can we just listen for one second? No, no, hey, next song, hey, we love you. Will you just give me a chance? He said at one point,

just try and show you love me in a different way. Well, we've all said that, yeah. And then he told them to take a chill pill for a second. Did he? He said, just take a chill pill and listen to me speak. They don't want that. They really don't want that. Unless he does one of those sort of tele-civiles, spoken songs.

The problem with these boy bands... If a picture paints a thousand words, then why can't I paint you? I think that's what he's offering. I think the problem is, to paraphrase something Pete Waterman, I believe, once said to a friend of mine, they get all famous doing la-la-la, and then they want to do what I believe

Pete Waterman refers to as own stuff. Yeah. Yes, it's the same. And own stuff is essentially acoustic guitar and beads they bought from Camden Market. They get a little like that. It's like they get these comedians who start off doing all sorts of dirty jokes and laddish,

and next thing you know, they're on the radio talking about what books they're reading. Yeah. I hate that. To lose the track puns. Yeah, I just hate it. No, but you can't... Doing arts programmes on Sky. Yeah. I mean, come on. No, but you can't object... Doing arts programmes on Sky.

I mean, come on! Who you are! Actually, Frank, there is a difference because you still, essentially, what you wanted was laughter. OK, and that's what you're still after. He wanted the screaming. Now he's got it.

He doesn't want the screaming. The main difference is that Bieber is an imbecile. But, I mean, you know, I would say with Bieber, you know, he's got a very kissable face. Lovely face. He's got abs like a Nissan hot. Yeah. I think, count your blessings, don't worry about the talking.

Keep that for your private life. We don't want that. We don't know what a talking means. Imagine if you just stopped talking in between songs. How long do you think it would actually be before any of his fans noticed that he wasn't? Exactly. Eight years. Talking?

Have you ever heard anyone say, do you like Justin Bieber? I like him. I like to hear him talking. No one's ever said that. His own mother has never said that. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We were talking about Mariah Carey not giving back

the $10 million engagement ring. I've never given an engagement ring or a $10 million engagement ring and then subsequently had to break off the engagement. No. But would that be a thing that you would expect to get back if you were the gentleman in question?

What do you think, Frank? Well, I was going out with a leader back in the day in the West Midlands and she'd commented on the fact that

we saw some earrings in a shop that she really liked, they were red hearts she was a garish character. Red hearts were they? Yeah, red heart earrings Very little kids TV presenter. Yeah, well they were sort of, I don't know what you'd call them

sort of like glass don't know what you'd call them. They were like glass. Yeah. But they looked like precious stones. They were glass. Heart of glass, some might say. Yeah, heart of glass, absolutely spot on. So I went back to the shop a couple of days later and bought these earrings for her.

They were £5. But what year was this, put it in context? This would be 18... 1827? 1887. 1887. 1987. 1987.

And then a couple of days later we were, I'm going to be straight with you, we'd got into bed together. This is gross. I'm not getting any better than that. This is as bad as it gets. And she said to me, listen, I want to end the relationship. Remember

the first thing I did was I got out of bed immediately and put my underpants on. First thing I did. Seems right. I thought you won't be saying that again, madam. Oh, what a grave punishment that would be. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. There's now half my house be. Exactly, yeah, exactly. There's no halfway house here. So, um...

I said, oh, I can't... Oh... Oh... You know, King Lear at the end of... Oh! Were you wearing your pants? Because it sounds really undignified, Frank. I had my pants on then.

They were back on. And were you angry? I was hurt and upset and rejected. That sometimes manifests itself as anger. Yeah, it does. I wasn't really. I said to me, I said, I'll tell you what, I thought, no, I've got to rack up the guilt.

I said, I bought those earrings. You know those earrings? She said, I went back and I bought them. And she went, oh, no. And I said, yeah, I did. I went and bought them. That's the kind of guy I am. She said, I'll buy them she said, you know, I went back and I, and she went, oh, no. And I said, yeah, I did. I went and bought them. That's the kind of guy I am. She said, I'll buy them off you.

How much were they? I said, 15 quid. You didn't. Yeah. So I got 200% profit out of that. Did you? I thought that's poor balance for a broken heart. I think you probably felt a little spring in your step.

Well, I think it took, it took a bit of a sting out Ten quid profit to drown those sorrows Yeah ten quid in those days I bought a small semi-detached in Wolverhampton It was the beginning of your property portfolio It was, exactly Beginning of the slum landlord years Great oak trees from little acorns grow.

You see, I think... I could have told her that, but she didn't believe me. I think, as a rule, you have to return the quality. I don't use it as a rule. Oh, multifaceted. Blimey. Blimey. Blimey. Yeah, what go on?

You think you should return. For example, I have exes. There's one ex who's got three pairs of shoes of mine. Oh. Now, I would say those shoes... You think he would have given those back, wouldn't you? Well, I don't want to ask. But, I mean, the thing I would say is I'm going street value.

Bear in mind, before you write in and say you know I'm not a woman of the people they're expensive because I've amassed them over the years I didn't go out on a splurge it's alright but these shoes I'd say combined value of all three £2,000

maybe £1,800 I have a good I thought they were playing a clip on YouTube The 1800s. Hold on a minute. I have a cup of tea. I thought they were playing a clip on YouTube from Never the Twain or another 86. But why would anyone keep... Why has he kept those shoes? Why has he kept those shoes? If you're listening, love, put them in the post. They are going to be some of the best dressed stilts that have ever been seen.

I don't... In fairness to him, maybe he thinks... Those stilts werearing Jimmy Choo's. In fairness to him, maybe he thinks it feels petty to put them in a package and send them back. Right. But you know what? It's not petty.

I really want the shoes back. I find that... I've never heard of anyone keeping the shoes before. That just seems... No. Does he wear a pink beret, this man? Just trying to work out. Absolute Radio.

The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. When text first began... What does it call it on Jeremy Cole? Texties? Oh, yeah. So when they first... When would that have been? Text?

I know exactly. No, I'm going 97, 98. Yes, that would be right. It's a lot of pictures. Maybe 2000, thanks. No, this was definitely pre-2000. The Zippo Balls Coming Home time. Yeah.

It would be between that and 2000. And I split up with someone and I thought, text. Of course, we've got text now. That's a good way of doing it. And I thought, well, this gives me a chance to be more inventive so I did a whole long text on my big phone yeah on your big Roger Moore Boston phone

as if she was a game show contestant I said and it was like it began well I'll change her name to Susie. So I wrote, so we're going to have to say goodbye to Susie. Oh, my God. But she doesn't go, I empty handed. And then I listed the things I bought her during our relationship. And then I said, so what about a big hand?

One more, one more time, big hand for Susie. And then I sent that. I thought it was good because I'm a big hand. So, what about a big hand? One more time, big hand for Susie. And then I sent that. Wow. I thought it was good because I'm ending the relationship. I mean, I was ending it. Did she reply? She didn't. Funny, that.

Yeah, rude. Did she reply via the newspapers? I should say it was a relationship which was, you know, it was already... On its uppers. It was in about, it wasn't like, you know, it was out of the blue. It was communication becoming toxic. Is that the...

Because it sounds a bit... It was... Do you know, Frank, that's lovely the way you do that. Oh, yes, I love toxic. Ah, so do I. That's one of my favourite singles of all time. Yeah, me too. Another thing we've got in common.

Whatever happened. I mean, you're... Yeah, you're not... Where did it all go wrong? You're not coming out of this recent diva bit that well, Frank, I'll be absolutely honest with you. Somebody said, talking of diva behaviour, I like Frank. But... I thought that would be a bot.

Yeah. I remember him mentioning a homeless guy asking for a bite of a burger that he was eating. I was shocked that Frank didn't just give the burger to a hungry guy. And now the earrings. Frank! I know, but this was when I was in Birmingham. I didn't have much money. And the homeless guy.

You don't want to give... I mean, God bless him. But if you give an homeless guy a burger to have a bite of... Burger gone. Well, you know. Yeah. I think that's his exact point. So what I did is I broke a bit off.

What about the time a guy, a homeless guy said to me, again in Birmingham, a homeless guy said to me, can I buy a cigarette off you? So I got my cigarettes out and he got these pennies out with bits of tobacco. Gave me about eight pence and I took it.

You didn't. It wasn't until after I thought, I should have just given him that. You shouldn't have taken the money. His whole tone was transaction. So I went with it. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I know what I wanted to run by you.

Go on. My wife. It's a business plan. It's a business plan. Oh, it's a business plan. Oh, that'd be great, wouldn't it? I've never done a business plan in my life. Imagine if you set up a business, Frank. Even when you set up Gap. No, but I didn't handle that.

I was the creative. Oh, I see. In the Gap thing. He was, yeah. I had the idea for Gap, and I said, let's put it really big on the clothes, and they said, people won't want to advertise. I said, we'll see.

Oh, that Elton John's worst lyrical moment. What are they? Have you got any examples? Well, mine, as always. I know, before you texted, I know Bernie Toppin writes a lot of his stuff, but, I mean, there was song by Elton, so we're calling him Elton's worst lyric. For me, it was... OK, go on. Marilyn was found in the nude.

Oh, you don't like that? Come on. Well, I'm not a big fan, Frank, of... Marilyn was found in the nude. Rolling like thunder under the covers, which is from, I guess that's why they call it the blues. Rolling like thunder under the covers. What was going on under the covers?

I'm not allowed to do that in our relationship. Exactly. We have to go to the bathroom. We're all like that, tell it off. Exactly. I can't believe that happens with Furnish and John. They're immaculate. Absolutely.

Spotless. So, yes, that's mine. Marilyn was found in the loo. I'm going to have to think about it for a while. I don't know what mine is. I've got loads. Which was a little bit rude. That's what they should...

If I'd have been Bernie, I'd have said, I'd have just carried on that one. You could see that that was lewd. OK. And the good thing is, I'm sure he won't be at all offended, cos he's not a high-maintenance character. No, I think I offended him anyway. Last time I met him, he actually physically turned his back on me.

Oh, well, then for a penny. He did. For a pound. Why? What happened? he actually physically turned his back on me. Oh, well, then for a penny. He did. For a pound. Why? What happened? He properly physically turned his back on me. So I went over and said hello, and he literally turned round like that. Oh, no. Gave me the back.

Yeah. So I just, you know those, like, those, like, flabby bits underneath the armpits? I just pinched those really hard. You should have heard him squeal. It's the best note I've ever heard him strike. And then he just laughed about it and we just laughed together. And he rolled in like thunder? Not from me, I didn't feel that relaxed.

275 would like to put forward from Elton's Worst Lyrics. Oh, yeah. Surely if I was a sculptor, but then again, no. Completely redundant from Harry. Yeah, the next line should have been the backing vocalist saying, why bring it up? Yeah. It's, I mean, the thing, he talks about being a bloke in a travelling show.

Not just a bloke, a man who makes potions. Yeah, and he actually runs with that. Oh, I could be one of those blokes who makes potions in a travelling show. I mean, what's the chances of getting a job like that? Yeah, yeah. 1970s, England, impossible. But Sculptor, the people are actually that. He dismissed his immediate...

All straight away. He's like his the people are actually that. He dismissed his immediate... All straight away. His league table of possible professions is all over the place. Yeah, he seems to think he has a strong chance with the man who makes potions in the travelling show. Yeah, I don't make potions. Makes me doubt his commitment to being a singer. He's running through all these other... Well, he was early in his career.

I mean, that was his first hit, so he probably wasn't sure how to return it. So I think he needs to open his options a bit more. I mean, Sculptor or Man Who Makes Potions in a Travelling Show. What about HR? There are other options available. I don't know if HR existed in the 70s. Also, I'd have thought... Personnel, it was called then.

If you were enormous spectacles, I'd have thought Sculptor's going to be quite high up on the list because you're not worried about shards like a lot of us are. Well, he rejected optometrist. That would have been a lovely job for him. Did he run, was there any other options that he ran through in that song?

If I was a doctor. Doctor? No, he didn't do doctor. Yeah, if I were a doctor, but then again, no, oh no. That's not the one he dismissed. He doesn't say if I were a doctor at any point. He doesn't say if I were a doctor. I suppose the man who sells potions in a travelling show, he's a doctor.

In many ways. Yeah, exactly. I mean, a fisherman, he's sort of like, it's going to get involved in some sort of scandal. Is he suggesting snake oil as the potion? I think it's that kind of thing. All right, yeah. Maybe it's one of those, you know those hair restorers?

Right. Oh, yeah. It's tremendous foresight he showed. That was when Elton had his milk hair. His milk hair? What's his milk hair? Oh, yeah, like milk teeth. Like milk teeth, yeah.

So he had his milk hair and that fell out and then he grew his grown-up hair. Oh, yeah. We've got another one from David in St Albans. Oh, yeah. Looks like they could eat me alive in a couple of weeks. That's from Just Like Noah's Ark. Oh, I don't know that one.

No, me neither. That would be Noah's POV. Yeah. Because you get the animal, you think you're doing a good turn, you get the animals, then you're out at sea and you're thinking, if they turned... Yeah. Because you get the animal, you think you're doing a good turn, you get the animals, then you're out at sea and you're thinking, if they turned...

Yeah. I suppose every captain thinks it, about... He's actually such an animal-based muse, isn't he? He's telling me. Yeah? Yeah. Good. I'm enjoying that.

The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Are you ready for the life-changing piece of information? How about that for a lyric? Are you ready? Are you ready for love? Yes, I am. Bit of dialogue.

Yeah, exactly. Bit of dialogue in your songwriting. Get someone else to do that bit. Otherwise it sounds like you are going under the covers again. You saved a few quid on backing singers there, if you ask me. I always got one eye on the bottom line, haven't I? You don't want to be talking to yourself. Are you ready for love?

Yes, I am. That's a whole other thing. Yeah, it's all over the world out there. We're some bros, bro, get out. So, I wanted to talk to you about Glamour magazine. This is the US version. Yeah. They released that they have Women of the Year.

Oh, yes. So, they've released the list of Women of the Year, and it's quite an exciting list. They've got Gwen Stefani. You're familiar with her work. What? How does she? I mean, God bless her, but how does she? How does she qualify as Woman of the Year? Oh, God forbid Frank ever says that to me. If Frank ever mean, God bless her, but how does she qualify as Woman of the Year? Oh, God forbid Frank ever says that to me.

If Frank ever says, God bless her, I know something withering is about to come. Well, no, I mean, I like her work and stuff, and she looks lovely. She does. How do you do, girl? That'll do me. They're two criteria. If I was a man, she'd be my type. No, what I'm thinking is she must have something else going on to avoid woman of the year.

She must have a big... Does she have a foundation? Quite a lot. Quite a lot in my experience. She is quite fond of the make-up. Yeah. Maybe that's what she... She favours the Frank on Halloween Frankenstein monster.

No, she looks beautiful. She looks like a beautiful woman who doesn't need to have to do... Is she kind of girl power? She's like a sort of a modern version of girl power, isn't she? Is she? She looks good for her age. But how does she qualify? Has she got a foundation?

Has she done something behind the scenes? I would imagine there's charitable works going on. Bono is on it. Yeah. Bono? Yes. Woman of the year. He's one of the women of the year. This is no joke.

Bono. He's a bloke, though, isn't he? I know, but he loves a Cuban heel. He's a bloke, isn't he? And a rose-tinted spectacle. He's a fan. I tell you what, it's gone a bit wrong. I mean, last year, I think it was, um, last year they had Caitlyn Jenner, did they?

Yes. Now that felt like a very positive statement about, um, you know, about your transsexuals. Although some people weren't so positive about that. Yeah, but, you know, some people. Yeah. But how far down the road of conversation do you get before you reach Bono as Woman of the Year? Even Bono said he didn't deserve it. Yeah, he's pushed his neck out there a bit.

I think he was being a bit furbashful. I'm sure I don't deserve it, but hey, didn't deserve it. Well, yeah, he's pushed his neck out there a bit. I think he was being a bit faux-bashful. I'm sure I don't deserve it, but hey, I'll have it. But they said, we've talked about picking a man before, but it's always been Vita. And I thought, how hard is it to find some women of the year? Yeah, well, I think some... Yeah, but imagine, guys, when you got the call, Al. I mean, you got an award.

He thought he'd get lifetime achievement at the Grammys. Yeah. He thought he'd get Lifetime Achievement at the Grammys. Yeah. He thought he'd get Nobel Peace Prize, Women of the Year. I'm just... Come on. I'm worried about my calendar for next year. I subscribe...

Every year I get the Glamour Woman of the Year calendar. Oh, dear. It's going to be a difficult March for me next year, isn't it? Looking at Bono every day. What's the FHM Sexiest Women going to be like this year? Peter Crouch. It's the FHM sexiest woman going to be like this year? Peter Crouch. That's going to be the edge. I have to say, it wouldn't break my heart to see Bieber in there.

The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I'll tell you what it doesn't seem like. It doesn't seem eight years since Barack Obama got in. And it is. Like, that's... It's flown by, hasn't it, really? Don't come crying to me. Eh?

Don't come crying to me. What are you talking about? Well, you know, time flies. All right. I, uh, I remembered when he got in, I used to have some jokes about, um... You used to have some jokes? You used to have some jokes. Those were the days.

Eight years back. Just the last time I had a funny thought was about eight and a half years ago. I used to do some jokes about, because people were up in arms about his name, Barack Hussein Obama, you remember, all that stuff. And your friend Trump wanted him to produce his birth certificate. He did, he's a birther, my friend. Yeah, your friend. And I read an interesting thing about Barack Obama, I thought,

that was in his late teens and twenties, he wasn't known as Barack Obama, he was known to friends and family as Barry. So I used to have some jokes about, never mind. Was that right? Yeah, yeah. So I used to have these jokes about he's given hope to Barry's the world over, he's the leader of three. But now they've gone from Barry to Donald. What is happening with that country? But that name will be popular again.

The dorkie names. I would guess that they were doggie names. I would guess that that was someone Irish, Barry Obama. Yes, you would. Hey, what if Donald starts popularising the Donald jacket, the Bolero jacket, with no trousers on? Oh, no, he wouldn't dare. Just the navel top and no trousers. It wouldn't be the first time, probably.

Yeah, you'd think. Now, I'll tell you who's very excited about this, not just our very own Trump apologist, Nigel Farage is so happy about this because he had done some good little groundwork sweeping up. And I think Frank on this very show referred to him as a minion, which I liked. Because his job now is to support terrible people around the world, like the minions. If you've never seen the minions, that's what they do.

He said he's already... I hope he's going to wear a sort of monocular goggle next time we see him. It would suit him down to the grove. A little dungarees, I think. Or just one picture of him like that would be brilliant. He's got to do it. Someone will be working that up for us now on Photoshop, I'm sure. Well, Al, he's already got very excited.

He rang into James Whale. I don't know if he used a free number or not, but they had a long... They rang into James Well. They get on like a cross on fire. Well, James Well said, yeah, well, the PC lot, I hope you're listening now.

Big hand for the police. And Nigel said, he said, after, he said, I didn't go to the Mississippi rally to endorse Donald Trump. I didn't, to be fair. He said, after I did my bit, which is what he's calling it, he said to me, you'll be my friend for life. Well, I tell you what, that's not bad.

That's not bad. Well, it's a multiple choice. That's not A, bad, B, good. C, happening. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Can I say that I had exactly that shirt?

Which shirt? You're not looking at me, are you? The shirt that Gareth's wearing. And why I remember it is a man had my face tattooed on his chest. He didn't. And wearing that shirt. Right. Well I've got a surprise for you.

Right. And he said, oh yeah, there you are, just next to my ex-wife. someone told me that I saw this man recently. And he showed them the tattoo, but he's aged quite a bit. Oh, dear. And I've sagged somewhat.

So it's a bit like, you know the picture of Dorian Gray, they ask a lot, it's like the tattoo of Dorian Gray. So I'm still boyish in appearance. And my tattoo has fallen into disarray. It's not saggy. Yeah. That's good. There you go.

Who'd have thought? So here's the thing. I think this will balance things out a bit. Yes. Gareth? Mm-hmm? This will balance... Yes?

Can you find listening is absolutely crucial? I'm paying attention. Yeah. I've got my undivided attention, I promise. I was at a charity do at the weekend. Oh, yeah. And I had put a prize into the auction, which was four tickets to see Room 101 recorded.

Oh. Second prize, eight tickets. Yeah, well, exactly. Well, don't speak too soon, because all these things were going, and then it got to it, and he said, right, we'll start, and they'd put it last, as if it was going to be the big... Oh, it's the big prize.

Yeah, prize of the night. Who was the auctioneer? I don't know his name. Okay, did he have a moustache and a pocket watch? And a waistcoat? No, I think he auctioned that. Oh, okay. They've always got a moustache. I can't remember if he had. I don't think he had a moustache. Anyway, so, um, so he said, oh, start for a thousand pound. Eh? A thousand pound. Anyone. Come on. Come on. Come on. And then the come on. Oh. You don't, I don't mind come on. Come on! And then the come on. I don't mind come on from an auctioneer.

I don't mind, oh, come on. And that's the way. Anyway, it went for £1,000. There was no... It didn't manage to get some money. For the starting price. How will you watch your own show, though? Exactly.

Well, I'll just give them to the homeless. So that was for four tickets. But how much do they normally go for? They're free. Yeah, you see. I know, but, you know. Well, I'm going down this week, and I'm sure it's only £250. Don't feel you have to tell us that in advance.

And, well, I, you know, they get to go in the green room, and there's soft cheese and free alcohol anyway I'm very grateful to them but a man then came up to me after I've got to tell you this and said to me we thought we'd get a lot more than that oh no

and I thought this can't get any worse I saw my entire career flash before me. And then, afterwards, I was just saying goodbye to some people, and this guy came over. He said, don't feel too bad about that price. I thought, please. And this was what he said.

He said, a lot of the people here tonight, they weren't living here in the 90s, so they don't know who you are. No! This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I went and played crazy golf. Did you? This week.

Oh. I don't mean I played golf with Ganahl's Barker. No, that would be... I wouldn't mind. Although, I'd like to win that in a raffle. Yes, I would. But would it be possible, do you think, to play golf with... I'd bid upwards of a grand.

If you played golf with Ganahls, wouldn't you... I mean, I think they're a band, aren't they? But you know the main man, the main... Are they a band or a man? I thought it was him. I thought they were a band. I thought the man was called Ganahls.

Well, let's say for the sake of this argument. I'll tell you something. I don't care what his name is. He's got some head of hair. Yeah, well, he... If I was with him, what am I talking about? I'm sorry, I think he's a man. I don't think he's a man.

I think he's a man. No, I think he's a man. Okay, I think he's a man. You think he's a man. No, I think he's a man. Okay, I think he's a man, you think he's a man. What's happened to everyone? Oh, no. I've heard to his hair and you went crazy. I think he's a man. Does that make me crazy? Yeah.

Does that make me crazy? In fact, crazy golf. Oh, no, he's bald. You Googled him? Yeah, I just looked him up. Well, you've got him both. He's, no, he's bald. You Googled him? Yeah, I just looked him up. Well, you've got him both. He's a band and he's bald. And you've got him down as a hairy man.

I think he wore a wig. We just talked about the wrong bloke. No, I think he wore a wig for the video. He made an effort. Oh, right. Anyway, sorry, Frank, as you were. So, I... It's not that crazy.

Crazy Golf? No. It's more like miniature, isn't it, really? Well, I really want... The holes are endless. It's more like miniature isn't it really? Well I really want The holes are endless. It just goes on and on. I recently watched a documentary about Charles Manson the 60s cult leader.

Date night? In which he was described as crazy. Can we make the references for this show a bit weirder for this? Oh no. Poor Cath. Well we've got a special date night planned for you. Having described him as crazy, he had nothing in common with the golf I played the other night. It was, it was, it was well done. Where was it? It was, it was in a very trendy area

of London. There was, I mean, I was one of the few people in there without a beard. Oh, I got you. And it was indoor crazy golf, which is what you need this weather, of course. Was there a windmill? Because that, to me... You know what, there wasn't, and there wasn't a clown's face that you had to chip it in the mouth. Oh, come on. It had things like, there was a treadmill, and you had to get it up the lip of the treadmill. And there was a snooker, you stood on a snooker table

and played one of the shots. It was well done, but not that crazy. Sounds a bit more loopy. It's like crazy paving. Is that crazy? Not really. It's the regular slabs. Your regular slabs? No, I always walk like this.

Oh. It's the regular slabs. Your regular slabs? No, I always walk like this. Oh. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. We were talking about operations, the real ones with people and ones with... He's got a name, hasn't he, the operation person? Yes, he's called Sam Cavity. Sam Cavity.

If I've got that right, I think I have. That could be my specialist subject on Mastermind. Was he a theatre cat at any point? I don't know, but very good. It's based, I mean, it's... Have you played it often? I mean, I played it so often. The Wishbone was my particular speciality,

and the Breadbasket, but there were revisions over the years. But I love it, and I think the reason I love it is it involved tweezers, and I'm good with those. I've had experience. I think women are better at operation because I think we're better at multitasking. Also, they spend a lot of time using tweezers to take hairs off men's lapels and then put them under microscopes.

It's very delicate work. This is also true. I always felt it was a bit of a rip-off operation of those fairgrounds. Strange things you get upset about.

You know those fairground machines? It's hard to say this on the radio but with the wibbly wobbly wire and then you had to go around it

and not touch it. It was based on that. When you say rip-off we in the operation fan community prefer homage. and then you had to go around it. And not touch it. It was based on that. And when you touch it... When you say rip-off, we in the Operation fan community prefer homage. Oh, OK. Right. Yes, OK, it's an homage.

I'm terrible at both of those games. Have you played that game recently, the old fairground one? Yeah. Still really hard. I think about a year ago I played that game, so it depends on recent, but a man of my years, I think that's recent.

But it's still hard. It's not like something, as you get older, you get better at it. No. In fact, I would imagine there's a decline in ability. I saw Abu Hamza playing it once. He was brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Brilliant.

Didn't use the thing, just hooked it. Someone had a procedure recently with Absolute Radio playing in the background. Really? Yes. What about if someone's been operated on now and they can hear this? Ask what procedure they had. I feel this is more your area, so I'll let you say. Long time reader, had vasectomy with

Absolute Radio in the background. Oh, imagine that. Well, I hope it went well. Have you got a name for that man? Um, no. I'll tell you what, my mother-in-law bought some tweezers. My mother-in-law? My mother-in-law. I tweezers. My mother-in-law. My mother-in-law. I said, can I smell?

Anyway, she bought some tweezers. Were they the proper? I mean, I like my tweezers to be so sharp. No, she bought, these are big tweezers. And you know what? She bought them for taking, do you know when toast gets trapped in the toaster? It's a tongue, isn't it? You're straying into Pete Tong here. Maybe it's...

There's an element of tongue about it. But it does feel like Operation when you get in the toaster. With the added little zhuzh of electrocution. Yes. Which you don't really get with Operation. We've had a request.

This is from James. As it's Christmas, can we have some more Al adding from the cockerel today, please? Merry Christmas, love reader 658. This is the bit when Alan does mental arithmetic. I don't really want to end the year on that, do I? I mean, it's a strange request. It is a strange request.

God, we've been doing eight times tables at home. Let's have a go. No, stop it. Oh, OK. Fair enough. What's the name of that game when you have the yellow sticky on your head that I played with Elton John?

Clang! Is it called name dropping? You have a yellow sticky with the name of a celebrity on it. Yes, I know what you mean. You don't see it. I don't know if it's got a name. I think I'm going to give it a name. I'm going to call it Do You Know Who I Am?

Oh, you reckon. I'm going to call it the game that Frank played with Elton John. I'm calling it Do You Know Who I Am? The great thing, I think I would have been much better than that, than I was in the villa in Nice, because the distinction... Who did Elton John have on his head? He had

um, well, what's it, Bobby Crush. You know what I mean. Bobby Crush he had on his head. That must have been a cypher, all right. And I had Ian Cranky on my yellow stick. And you have to guess who you've got, because you can't read it yourself, obviously. But the distraction technique that Elton John used

was being Elton John. It's really put me off the game. So I imagine he does quite well, I think. Anyway, so that's it, I think, for 2016 live. We'll be back. Absolute Radio.

The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.