The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Best of 2017 Part 1

Episode Date: December 23, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Take a trip down memory lane with the team celebrating Frank's 60th Birthday, discussing Cher's new musical and talking travellers cheques. Enjoy!

This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. A lot of people, Frank. I thought you were marvellous on the GN show. I don't know if you saw it, Al, but you were rather marvellous. And I had some comments. So supportive. Well, no, it's true. You were. You were fantastic. Don't read out prayers, but we can articulate our own to each other.

It was funny, and he engaged with the other guests. He was the dream New Year's Eve guest. Oh, yeah. Unlike some others on that show, who I didn't warm to so much, I didn't like those rowers, Frank. Oh, the rowers. I didn't like the rowers. You know, they're rowers.

Rowers. I know. Are we all just going to keep saying rowers? It's a weird moment. They're fine. I've got some stuff, work that needs doing in my garden, so they can come and help me with that. But we had some...

These Olympians that you're talking about coming to help you garden. Only silver. Yeah, only silver. There were some comments about your appearance. Oh, yes. With one theme coming up again and again. OK.

Can I read you one as a sample? Go on. Frank Skinner absolutely oozing Botox on the Graham Norton show. Really? Well, I think this is a great compliment. I'd be thrilled if I were you. Another one. Oh, dear.

Too much Botox, Frank. What? Number three. I love Frank Skinner, but come on. Hashtag sculpting. Can I say I think you should see this as a very auspicious day The people think you've had Botox

I think the makeup woman should get some sort of minor award There you go I can officially state with my hand on my heart And if I only had a picture of Pope Francis I would use that as well I have not in any way had Botox. There's a touch of the Bill Clinton about this.

I can officially state with my hand on my heart that I have had Botox in the past. Have you? Yeah, not recently. I've gone off it. I think it makes your face look weird. I think if I was going to be injected in the face I'd have to really want it. Right. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah. I've tried it, but it does strange things to your face. But that is a compliment. It is. I was really pleased for you, Frank. No one's ever said that to me, and I've had it done. It's an insult, in a way. It suggests that I'm some sort of vain peacock of a man.

But what about that, eh? Yeah, staggered. Don't drink. of a man. But, what about that, eh? But, yeah, staggered. Don't drink. That's my advice. Whoa. That's lost

half the audience. Although a lot of people give it up. Or if you are going to drink, give up age 30, is it? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah, drink.

I always thought my skin looked very clear when I was drinking heavily. I get a lot of comments on your skin. Do you Yeah, drink. I always thought my skin looked very clear when I was drinking heavily. I get a lot of comments on your skin. Do you? That's what I get, compliments by proxy. That's my life. Not to me.

I'll tell you what, when I die, it's yours. Oh, thank you, darling. That would be lovely. Make a nice little gilet. That's good. Can I have one of your houses if she's getting your skin? No, you've gone too far. I don't want people knowing I've got more than one house.

I'm already out of that. It's in the public domain that you're a slum. My man of the people image has already been altered by the rumour that I'm having bow ties. God, what next? The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. The thing is about Robbie,

there seems to be a feeling that because he shook hands with the public and then sanitised it, that is somehow disrespecting the public. Yeah, I think that's the joke he was making. Well, I don't know if he said it was a joke. I mean, he said that he spent a lot of time in LA and he's become a bit of a germaphobe. I think he turns it into a camp, funny onstage joke,

but he is genuinely sanitising. Right. But people wash their hands after they've been to the urinal. It doesn't mean they're disrespecting their own winkle. Does it? Well, there's a sentence I haven't predicted. It's a extraordinary statement. No, but it doesn't.

It's just a practical thing. You know, if you do it to your own self, then surely it's not disrespectful to do it to someone else. We've got a title for the podcast. I panic when a hand is proper to Paul. Disrespecting your own wing. I think we've got a title for Frank's third volume

in his autobiography. I think... I never disrespect... I do look down on it. No, but you let others. I'll tell you something. When people... I've often thought... You know how people get too big for their boots?

I've often thought that I have grown too big for my own winkle. Sorry, this is gone. This is the worst we've ever gone. No disrespect to lovely Claudia, by the way, this link. No, certainly not. I hadn't thought of that before. No. No.

So, the point is, Frank, if a hand is proffered forth these days, I panic. It is a bit. We've grown frightened, haven't we, with the handshake? I'd rather have a hug than a handshake. My autobiography dies all perhaps.

But I would, because I feel that's cleaner and I'm protected by quite expensive clothes. Whereas I feel with the handshake, I mean, I don't know where that's been. Well, it's true, isn't it? I mean, the old Lang Syne now is a death trap. Because you've got a hand both sides. You've got a circulatory threat of the crossed arms.

Yeah. But then you're shaking hands. Often we just so happen to be next to you. I wouldn't... If somebody shook hands with me and then disinfected in front of me, I would not be offended by that. Right.

I just think, you know, that's a practical attitude to life. Sarah, producer, just mouthed, I would. She would? Yeah. Be offended. It's too late now. Well, there's a man in the mirror today.

I can't remember his name now, but he says at the top something like Frank Fearless, and then he has in brackets, and funny, which I would never, ever put on anything. Oh. You've got to be really confident to put and funny. Yeah. And he absolutely lays into Robbie

that he's lost touch with the people. Oh. And then he says at the end, well, I'll tell you what, I washed my hands after I've touched the tape, that CD. And I thought, that's slightly out of date, that insult, isn't it? It really is. Everything about it. He's streaming his music by now, shouldn't he?

No, but not just... Oh, God, I took in a... I turned up to do... When I started... I'm doing gigs at the moment at the Soho Theatre, and I turned up with my walk-on music and the music for the people when they come in

to play. And I took the CDs in and I gave it to the sound man and he said I haven't got a CD player. It's a theatre. I hope he said it's a theatre commandeer. I said what said it's a theatre comadeer. I said, what did the other,

what did the last people, he said the last people they just, they brought it on a stick. Turned out it was Dick Whittington. Let's get it out the way, I'm 60 today. Happy birthday. Big Daddy has a big old birthday. 60 May. It's your special day, Frank.

My, my, my. We've been so inundated with birthday wishes, haven't we? They're coming in now. The post this morning. I mean, the switchboard is lighting up. People saying happy birthday to you. Oh, good. They're saying happy birthday. It's lovely.

They're not complaining about the fall. I've just opened a card from Patrick Field, who sent me a card with a 10-bob note. Oh, good for him. Which is like I used to get from my older relatives. And it's a proper, I thought it was a sort of, it's a proper 10-shilling note. Outstanding in his field. Yes, Patrickvellous. Indeed.

I even had a card from the Remorsels. It was a band I play on here quite a lot. Well, that's good. I love the idea of a band sitting around signing the card. Yeah, just taking a little moment out from their rock and roll lifestyle. Hey, Spider, Spider, have you signed it? Who's the bad man? That'll be the drummer, will it, Spider? It's always a spider.

I hope so. So have you been enjoying your birthday so far? So far it's been lovely. I've had nice presents from my radio family here. I had a beautiful, stylish, personalised notebook from Emily Dean with Big Daddy on the cover, which is what she tends to call me. I won't explain why. A copy of Sapiens from Alan Cochran,

which is a book I would say it's almost, him being an atheist, it's almost his Bible. He's always quoting from Sapiens. He's trying to convert you. Yeah, it's a bit of a life changer. And I've had some lovely presents. I think the present that is the sort of originality stands out is that we are going on an outing, the people on here,

which is Sarah and Charlie, who are on the other side of the tracks, as it were. I mean the tracks as in the tracks I play. Marches, oh, I see, yeah. Yes. I thought it yeah. Yes. All right. I thought it was nicely twisted. And Al and Emily and me are going to go and see Gilbert O'Sullivan in concert,

which there'll be people at home now saying, oh, I love the Pirates of Penzance. But Gilbert O'Sullivan, I don't know if you recall, if you're young people, but I was absolutely a massive fan of his stuff and I realise I know the lyrics to about 16 of his

I know all of them so you and I will be singing along and these three shows it's our night we'll be humming Frank the exciting thing is I think we're as they say in the trade, we're going to go back. We're going to go back as well.

We're going to have a... For goodness sake, going back at a Sullivan concert. We're going to have an MAG meet and greet. Yeah. So that's very exciting. Who knows what else the day... But I'm wearing... Can I wear your day be as fabulous as your heart?

Can I just show you guys something? Just the top part. No, I don't, no. Here we go, here we go. Boxer shorts. Underwear. I'm wearing white pants today while I still can! That's, um...

Well, I guess what else? It's official. Uh, uh, uh, uh, got bus official. Uh, uh, uh, uh. God, bus pass. Uh, uh, uh, uh. In Parkhead. Yeah. It actually came on Tuesday.

Does it come in the post like the Queen's card? Yeah, it says, uh, you don't have to wait. Can you use it straight away? Got a few early ones in. That night I was on the bus to, uh, the Rosen Cavalier at opera I went to with my friend Baroness Bakewell. Oh, I thought you'd gone down to the boozer.

You went on the bus to the opera with Baroness Bakewell. I did. She wasn't on the bus. I don't know how she got there. I think Baroness Bakewell would take the bus. She's that type. Oh yeah, definitely. Keeps it real. I don't know if you know De Rose and Cavalier, but it's an opera pub

no they banned me from that pub it's partly about the horrors of ageing oh it's about an older woman who has a

younger lover oh hello and then he meets a younger woman and the older woman has to face the realities of life great

so that was that was good it was like getting a fact sheet with my bus pass. So can the bus pass be used on all forms of transport? In London it's not a freedom pass. I can't go national if that's what you're thinking.

But I don't know if I'll be travelling that far from home. Not deliberately. Also, in Birmingham you never have to pay for anything up there. No, I just stick a hand out. You're the patron saint of Birmingham. I can flag down a private car.

Good for you. There's four there at the moment. 542 has texted in, Happy birthday, Frank. I had to check Wikipedia this morning as I can't believe you're 60. Can I say the correct thing to say? I would say, perhaps new to fact checking, because Wikipedia is not

always the place to go and check facts, I would suggest. I mean, there's been some amazing missives we've had, including at least five, I count, so far this morning asking about the Botox again. Yes. I mean, it's... Do you look well?

The ultimate compliment mixed with a sense of phoniness. But I don't... I've never... And I won't have Botox. Happy Botox Day, says Anthony Thompson. I mean, for goodness sake. Big fan of the show and the life lessons. Well, stick around. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I'm a millionaire. But... I picked up a jacket this week. I hadn't worn for a while, and there was a £5 note in the top pocket. Oh, magic. I tell you, the adrenaline rush. It never goes away. That is magic. Finding a note like that in a jacket. And that fiver feels like the currency rate has gone up.

I mean, that's worth, like, about £100 at that point. I tell you what it feels like. It feels like it was never mine, that fiver. I think, well, what shall I spend this on? It's like a bit of ecstasy. But it's part of my general money, but it feels like it's coming from the outside world. You see, at the risk of being attacked

by Swayze people on Twitter, you're gentlemen, so you don't have handbags, and I have a handbag. Now, our ladies will find the pound coin. You see, we have a similar, the pound coin in the bottom of the bag. The two ladies are nodding. There's no feeling like it, Frank. Can I say something about

Sarah, who is, I think, the junior member of the team. How old are you, Sarah? 24. Ask me that, I'll punch you in the face. My maths isn't good, but is that two-fifths of my age? I think it is. Come on, anyway, trust me. I'll add in.

I'll add in. Yeah, I'll just say yes. She was reading some of the... I must say, I've had, seriously, some lovely messages today from people. Thank you very much for that. And cards and stuff. And she was reading the messages and said people have gone totes amosh.

Yeah. Which I love a bit of French. Oh, I thought it was Esperanto. No, I don't know what it is, but I like it. It's the leanest way of capturing the way that people have gone there. Totes amosh. I don't think there's a spare letter in that. I think it's good for me to keep up with the modern world.

I think one has to make an extra effort at 60. Oh, yeah. I think you'll find it's millennial that she was speaking. Yes, but I think I'm going to try and learn millennial. Well, you have to learn Gen Z now. It's over for the millennials. No, but it's good to be able to speak to... I was at someone's house the other week

and they had, the teenagers were there at the table on their phones during the meal. And I thought, the mum and dad was sort of saying, oh sorry, this is what they're like now. And I thought to myself, you know, once you've told them that they've got

tall and asked them how school's going, I've run out of teenage talk anyway. I was glad when the phones went on. Right. It was a blessed release. Because you do feel old if you say stuff like, what are you into? What's on the wall in the hip parade and stuff like that.

Yeah. Well, I really embarrass myself. I try and sort of throw in some cool songs or something. Well, I did. I've done that. Oh, man. Weren't fans of Gilbert O'Sullivan? No. No. But I did. I sort of throw in some cool songs or something? Well, I did. I've done that. Oh, man. Weren't fans of Gilbert O'Sullivan? No.

No. But I did, I sort of slid into the room going, what was it? It was, Players gonna play, play, play, play, play. Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Everybody. I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake.

Shake it off, shake it off. I love songs about dandruff. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I went to a lovely posh restaurant this week and I suppose he was the maitre d' came up to me and said,

oh, Mr Skinner, great to see you again. Of course, he used to come to my other restaurant. He then said the name of a restaurant I'd never heard of. Oh, how bad. Certainly never been to. So I smiled and said, yes, how are you? And all that. And then I went in and later on someone said,

could I have my photo? And I said, yes, sure, fine. He said could I have my photo and I said yes you're fine he said I've been to a lot of your talks talks? is my stand up so poor nowadays that it's

been misinterpreted as just a talk does he think he walks into a Microsoft convention yeah or does he think I'm Simon Sharma or someone? I'm sure both cases were mistaken identity. And that's it with the ageing face. We all sort of, we all started to look the same.

Who did he think you were? Because it's normally Stephen Tomkinson or Graham Norton. Yes. I think that the Graham Norton thing since he grew a beard has helped a bit, yeah. Okay. I don't know. I don't know who does talks who looks like me. The Graham Norton thing, since he grew a beard, has helped a bit, yeah. OK. Talks. I don't know.

I don't know who does talks who looks like me. Who goes to several talks by somebody? Knowing what a comedian you are, I can only imagine the anguish that the word talks has caused you since you said that. What if he'd seen some stand-up? Tom Gardner. Frank. Tom Gardner has sent us a picture

of a West Bromwich Albion birthday cake. I don't know if he's baked it especially for you. He says, happy birthday, love. P.S. Any good recommendations for a safe word starting my foray into that world very soon? Well, I can't tell you mine. If I say mine on air, there'll be men all over North London stopping still in their tracks.

And, you know, they might be crossing a road. But... I think, isn't it something like Mother's Maiden name? No, it's not! Also, can we just, please, respect for Foray? Oh, yeah. Exactly. Now, that's...

And Kanda. Yeah? Good for him. It's nice, isn't it? It's gone well. A man, actually, I won't tell you what it was, but a man, I was on the train today. Yes!

I'd used my bus pass. Oh! And as a man got off, he handed me a copy of the Metro. And he'd written on the top a very complimentary message about me. And what was the nice thing? Underneath it, in the same pen, he had completed both the tea time and the cryptic crossword. It was like a compliment that came with

references. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, it's a bright thing. Lovely. Hey! Hey! Connor! You've got to hide your love away. Connor has been in touch. Oh, yeah. If your pass has an English rose in the top corner,

you can use it on all buses over England and Wales. Yeah well I'll have a look. I think my mum's does. Just talk amongst yourself. I don't think it does. No it doesn't have an English rose in the corner. Thanks for bringing it up. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio.

So I'll tell you what I caught a little of. The Grammys. Oh, the Grammys. One of your heroes was at the Grammys, but we'll get to that. What, Cee-lo? Oh, man. He's not called Cee-lo anymore, Frank. He's called everything, isn't he?

What's he called, Frank? In case you don't know, one of my slight obsessions is Gunals Barkley. Who I always thought was a band, but really it's Cee-lo Green's alter ego. Yes. Now he's... He hasn't exactly...

Well, he has changed, but it's a development. I mean, it's quite dramatic. No, but best of all... Makeover. what I'm delighted to hear about Cee-Lo is he likes a pun. Yes. Because he's now calling himself Gnarly Davidson. Gnarly Davidson. Gnarly. You could say.

He arrived on a Gnarly Davidson. Oh, did he? Yes. It's one of the greatest pictures I've ever seen. Has he got sponsorship? I wonder if he's doing it hoping for freebies. He wants a bike. If he calls himself Gnarly Davidson, he'll get a Harley Davidson.

How much are these bikes? They're expensive, but he's not short. Crazy, he did very well. I was thinking about it just the other day when I arrived at an awards do in my alter ego, Alan Brugini. Ah, yes. Good. Just saying, just saying. We should have said, in case, we should have said, I've gone a bit Italian. Joe Dolce. Is this lovely? What's the matter, you? Got no respect? That's what they should have said when CeeLo turned up. Oh, why are you looking so sad?

Yeah. He had two outfits at the Grammys. No, the day before the Grammys. Did you see that outfit? Was that the gold outfit? No. Free gold. There was a Darth Vader outfit.

Oh, yes, I liked that one. Yeah. Well, we say Darth Vader. It was essentially a black zip-up tunic. The sort of thing your mum makes. No, but did he have like a shiny dome thing on? He had. Like a strange sort of pit and helmet thing going on.

A pewter head. Yeah, great. But he's got LED lights in his head now. I mean, is that a permanent thing? I love it. See, Lo, he's such an eccentric. You think? I think he is.

I like that. But the gold suit. Well, I mean, don't get me started on the gold. There's so much to discuss. He looked like... You know when people talk about the love child of something because it's a cross of two things? It looked like the love child of Gru from Despicable Me

and the World Cup. If they'd got together and practised something illegitimate, that is what would have come out. Do you know much about Cee-lo the man? Do any of us know much about Cee-lo? Is he called Cee-lo? Is he like J-lo? Is his name...

Christopher Lowe or something. Cecil London. I'd be very delighted to find you as called Cecil London I mean he is a man of many a nonderplume isn't he? We've got Cee-la Green Gnarls Barkley Do you think he's signing on? That's what I'm wondering

Maybe he's known locally for having a very low ceiling That's how it started That's why he has to wear that dome. He's banging his head on the light fittings. He made a statement. Did you read his statement?

I should hope he did. He said, look at me, look at me. You did this to me, CeeLo Green. You, category C swear word, idiot. But I like it. I'm actually better than you, than everyone. A kamikaze upon you. Vengeance is mine, saith Gnarly Davidson.

P.S. Technolo-Jesus saves. Saves. Jesus saves. Technolo-Jesus saves. Well, you follow the Nazarene. You're like that. I follow the Nazarene. I'm not following Cee-Lo Green. The man's talking gibberish. What's wrong with him? He is. I think he's like Shirley Eaton in Goldfinger. He hasn't left a space for his skin to breathe.

I was worried about that. Painting himself gold and now he's gone to his brain. Do you know what I thought let him down? What? The gloves. They were very joke shop quality. Oh, really? You know when you get it in the packet and it's designed for one wear only?

I didn't like the gloves. No. They're very threadbare. But I did like the pon. Gnarly Davidson. Yeah, that is good. What he should have done, he should have worn a false belly

and called himself Beyonce Gnarls. I'm not sure he really needs to wear the false belly. I was just thinking he doesn't need the false belly. I think he's doing fine. In fact, I think he might be doing quite a good job of making the best of what he's got, as it were. Like, if you're Cee-Lo Green... Really?

If you're Cee-Lo Green and you have to go somewhere as fancy dress... You call him Cee-Lo. I call him Sir Walter Gnarly. Gnarly Edmonds, I call him. When he's going fancy dress, he sort of has to go, you know, weird creature from Star Wars bar kind of thing, because, you know, handsome leading man is a bit too much of a jump if you get that. So you're saying his fear of getting into the traditional tux... I wonder.

..made him put on some outfit that looks like a mother-of-the-bride-at-dictator's wedding. Makes him look like a sort of a pepper pot in some way. But that's no bad thing. My fashion book. He's still done the classic celebrity thing I hear of writing a children's book. He has.

Even he. Here we go. He's calling himself Roald Nahl. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I had a bit of a night on the town. You've had a bit of a big night out, Frank, haven't you? I went to the Brit Awards. Yeah.

Oh. Been what my mum calls gallivanting. I have been gallivanting. And so did Sarah on the show. So it was just Al and I and producer Charlie. We didn't get tickets. That's still a 3-2 to the people who didn't go. True. Well, I went there

and you're supposed to go and do the red carpet and all that but I was in a stationary car. You know when you're in heavy traffic but you're moving just a little bit it just gives you that little bit of incentive. Yeah.

When it's literally stationary, when people start getting out of their cars and walking about. Like La La Land. Yeah, and people taking photos of the traffic jam. It's never good. We were like a hundred yards from the Blackwell Tunnel. It was so near yet so far.

And I was there for an hour and ten minutes. In the car? In a stationary car. I mean, it was a lot longer, the whole journey, but that just still. Were you on your own? I was with my personal assistant. Oh, you could pass the time.

Well, exactly. We did a bit of work. Gave her some admin. Went through some letters. Exactly, and a quiz, obviously. Take some notes. I know you've got a ball gown on, but, you know, it's last. Yeah, exactly.

No, it was... I think you have to relax into a traffic jam I've always felt I remember listening to the whole of Trans Europe Express once in the Craftwork album

in a traffic jam and having a lovely time but if you want a great night out I would advise being stuck in a stationary car for an hour and ten minutes

because just the getting there is so, just the fact that you've made it. Everything else. We got the tube in the end. What, you got out of the car and got the tube? We had to get out of the car and we got on the tube to the thing. I wonder if I'm the only person who

got to the Brits with my over 60s bus pass. Well, Bastille got the tube in. They did. I saw that, yeah. Saw pictures. They stormed it. Did they?

Yeah. Fine work. Yeah, so it does really set you off for the evening. And also, when I arrived, the desserts were being served. Oh, what? Did you miss the dinner? I took the elbow of a pretty waitress, which I haven't done for a long time. I settle for the elbow nowadays. And I said, you couldn't find me a couple of main courses, could you?

She said, I'll have a look in the kitchen. And out they came. Brilliant. I love eating meat when everyone else is eating a... Fuga. Yeah. So is the dinner before the actual awards ceremony starts? Oh, yes.

Otherwise people would be throwing parsnips and stuff at the acts. And who were you seated with, may I ask? Well, it was basically the great and good of Bauer. Bauer owned Absolute Radio and Planet Rock and Magic and Kiss and stuff. So it was all, it was a... It was a works outing. It was the greatest hits of that. It was lovely, actually, lovely company, I must say.

I think the overall feeling about it, I think it's about time that we, the living, stood up for ourselves at ceremonies because I think it was absolutely... I'm sick of them being dominated by dead people. There was a lot of dead winners, wasn't there? Yeah, I mean, there was Bowie, George Michael and a Cohen. I mean, there were skeletons on stage. I just think, you know, I think people of life,

we need to unite, we need to boycott these ceremonies if they're not going to recognise our contribution. But it was, I'll tell you something which will surprise you, it was an absolutely brilliant show, which I loved. Now, OK, so I'm interested, can we go through some of these acts? So it kicked off with Little Mix. Hold on a minute. Do my eggs. Hold on a minute. Do my eggs.

Now, hold on a minute. Don't know them. Little Mix. Who knew? Who knew what? They rocked the place. Oh, hang! Little Mix.

Now, I love Little Mix. Can I just say? I was expecting leprechauns when they were introduced. Do you like them? Little Mix, they were brilliant. I love them, Frank. I couldn't believe it. They can all sing.

The actual show, the stage, the lighting. What about Perry? And, I mean, I love them all. I'm a Jessie fan, personally. I don't know their individual names. I've got to be straight with you. I'm getting a bit hardcore for you now. I don't even really feel like I know them as a collective.

I mean, we've mentioned them, but I don't know. No, I felt the same. I dismissed them as silly reality people. They came on and absolutely ripped the place apart. Great little dancers, good voices. Honestly, great song. Silver swimming costumes. Are they little? Are they small?

They're dressed from the future. Don't start that, for goodness sake. Frank, they're dressed from the future, which I know you always like. Yes, there was a lot of silver people on stage, which I didn't. A little mix. They'd probably gone there all their life. Oh, no! I couldn't believe it.

The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Frank, what do you think? So Bradley Walsh was the best-selling debut album of last year. Yeah. Could have been worse. It could have been Alexander Armstrong.

Walking through a cornfield in an overcoat looking sombre. Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Not now. Not if you're going. Anyway, we've probably cut that there. It's live, right? Is it live? Oh, God. Is it live?

Oh, God. What about Simon Cowell? Simone Cowell. Did you get plunged into darkness? OK, can we have five minutes on Simone? Firstly, the glasses. He's taken to wearing those Mrs Tiggy Winkle little specs now. Yes.

It's a whole new rebrand for him, Frank. Is it saying I'm clever? Yes. Is it? Excellent. But he stuck with the hair through everything. He stuck through. And it seems to be like

it's getting smaller, the hair. It's like the top of his head. The hair, it's narrowing as it goes up. There's some people that just pick a hairstyle and go, I'm done. I know, but with the spray tan. Steven Gerrard. Simon Cowell.

I'm done. I'm done. I'm a-zoned and I'm done. Pick it at 20. Done. I'll tell you what he looked like. With the spray tan and the tightly clutched,

he looked like a bag of gold. Tied at the top. It was really bizarre And guess what He had a white shirt on With about three or four buttons No way Yeah that Wow

Does he in the mirror go What shall I wear tonight He's probably thinking I've started doing the glasses I've got to change everything All at once Exactly Like a rebrand

Yeah exactly I'll get me I'll get me elevator shoes on. Me big cuts. He had a little meltdown when he was presenting, though. He got all Confucius because suddenly the lights went out and he said, I don't know what's happening.

Yes. He was a bit cross. It was a bit Russell Grant with the stage manager. Leave that. He said, I don't know what's happening. You're right. Sorry, Ken. That's what he should have done.

Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I did a very nostalgic thing this week I'd like to share with you. Oh, OK. Because as my son often says to me, sharing is caring. Does he? That's nice.

And this is, yes, I wish I'd told that barmaid that in Wigan. I had six weeks on antibiotics. Oh. Anyway, and I, so, I went, I'll tell you what I did. What about this for a walk down memory lane? I cashed some traveller's cheques. You did. You did.

Who knew? That is brilliant. Who knew they still existed? Where do you cash the things? Where do you find them? Do you go to a bureau de charge? I didn't go to a bureau de charge. Can I ask a question about bureau de charge?

Yes. I mean, why do you not care about the business enough to invest in a proper office space? Why is it always a glass cubicle on the wrong end, frankly, of a main thoroughfare? I always think... Why a cubicle? Why not an office? They sort of pioneered the open plan thing,

which is very popular in modern offices. They fear a door, the Bureau de Change. Yeah, they don't like the sense of a door, I think. No. Because they're all about breaking boundaries down. Is it not a security issue? Do they fear doors? Because back in the day, that was a

shop that had a lot of cash knocking around. Oh, I see. Isn't that a good reason to be extremely pro-doors? I mean, why would you want to display a door? In the Bureau de Charge, I always remember the ladies wearing a pussy bow blouse. Very tight at the neck.

You see, maybe it's another theory that if one of the great anti-burglary things is not locking your house up, but just keeping your house very exposed so that burglars will be seen getting in. So maybe the Bureau de Champs have taken the same thing.

It's like dragons down there, just got their money piled up on the desk. And that makes it less likely. I don't know. Does anyone here who works in a B2C? B2C? B2C, which has never been called.

That's what they've written on the desk here. I need a B2C. Let us know what the theory is between the open plan aura. So you didn't go to a B2C. I didn't. You went to a... Well, first of all, I went to America with them. Oh, that was a long way to go. Yes, and I thought I'll be able to cash

them at one of the nice hotels. You took traveller's cheques to America? Why did you take traveller's cheques? That's what you're supposed to do with traveller's cheques. 1973! Yeah, but why else would you buy traveller's cheques and then use them in your own country? Don't buy traveller's cheques! The clue is in the title. Yeah, that's

I think Emily's onto something here. You. Don't buy traveller's checks. The clue is in the title. Yeah, I think Emily's onto something here. You specifically went and got traveller's checks for your recent trip to America. Now, here's what happened. OK. I found a small envelope in one of my drawers. He hates waste. Which contained $220 worth of traveller's checks.

And I thought, I'm off to America soon. You can get a bottle of water at that. The timing could not have been better. Perfect. So I asked at the Econa Lodge. I love that you stayed there. And the man said, I can't do the accent because he was actually an Indian man.

OK. So you took the traveller's cheques. He wouldn't. Peter Patel, his name was. So he actually wasn't. He was probably Pakistani. Come to think of it. But anyway, let's not get into minutiae. So he said we don't change them.

So then I went to a much nicer hotel. It was almost like it was dawning on you that they were quite an outmoded form of currency exchange. Exactly. And then I went to the Paramount Hotel in New York, which at least used to be a nicer hotel.

Oh, lovely. Smaller bedrooms, though, Frank? I'll be honest with you, it's gone off terribly. And the rooms are so small. But anyway, so I thought there was a concierge. So I thought, well, I'm not going to a bureau de chance, but I'll certainly go to a concierge. I nearly wore an église, but I decided a guinea.

So I went up and I said, I've got some traveller's cheques. And the guy went, hey, Sue, come here. And he called her over to have a look at my traveller's cheques. And she went, traveller's cheques? They were like, and then another member of staff came up and laughed out loud. And after all this, they said, no, we don't do them. So I took them... I basically took them to America for a little holiday.

I never used any of them. I just carried them around and then brought them back. I mean, I know it's travel, but it's not what they were meant for. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. To be honest with you, on the nostalgia travellers' checks, it's the first time I've been in a post office for ages, and that really took me back. Did you have the cachet number four, please?

Yes. Oh, I like that. And you know my mother, who was an actress, always used to say when they'd say cashier number four, please, she went, sorry, darling, I'm on. Brilliant. Did she get a two-minute call? Yeah, I had an encore.

No, well, I was in the, I queued at the, it's called holiday section or something like that in the post office. Oh, I don't know that. Yeah. And there was a woman there. It's called Holiday Section or something like that in the post office. I don't know that. Yeah. And there was a woman there. So I looked at the number on the screen.

It said 77. I thought, OK. So I took my ticket out of the machine. It said 209. I thought, hold on a minute. What do people get? And then they say, I'm just going to go for a swim. I'll come back with my numbers.

Yeah. So it turns out there's a separate numbers system on the travel section. It doesn't surprise me that the traveller's checks were accepted over there, though. At the post office. Well, because the post office is based in the 1970s, that's why it was all right to go in there. I meant in Vegas, but I also agree that the post office, that doesn't surprise me. No, it was. Well, it did surprise me.

I'd almost given up that I'd ever be able to get them cashed. It was either, if they hadn't accepted them, I'd have gone straight to the framing shop. How did the encounter go then? Did you just say... The encounter at the counter? Yes, in the woman in the deck chair. It was actually, I thought the way to play it is to pretend it's not a problem.

Yeah. That I'm cashing travellers' cheques maybe two, three times a week. So I went in, I said, I've got a few travellers. She said, oh, what's, why have you got balloons up? I said, I thought, you know, you know, that thing's a misdirection. What have you got balloons up for?

She said, oh, we're advertising a new thing for travel. It's a new card where you can... Oh, I thought she was going to say it's a new form of check. No. She said it's a new credit card that you can use abroad. You can use it in seven different countries. You could have done that. And I thought... Isn't that a credit card? I thought this...

Well, it's set you a lot travel money to it. So if it's stolen, they can't take anything from you. Good idea. Yeah. Well, I thought that. I thought this is just the sort of idea that might have superseded the traveller's cheque. So I said, yeah, whatever, mind about that.

I've got a few... I've got a few... Oh, that was nice, isn't it, today? Sunny. It's some traveller's cheques. Sunny, isn't it? Really sunny. Anyway, I thought, just make it like it's normal.

Do you know what? Just act normal. I know, but I... Weirdly, that's the least normal you've ever acted. Weirdest you've ever been. Yeah. Bear in mind, I got more laughs with Traveller's Checks in New York than I got a whole night at the Brits.

So I was expecting the worst. Anyway, she just said, oh, yeah, OK. Did she say, oh, yeah, I'll do that? Hang on a minute, what's that? Yeah. She suddenly played the tune from The Last of the Summer Woman. And said, are we back in there? No, she didn't.

No, I think I made it normal. No, it sounds like you made it extremely weird. No, I made it normal. Making it normal has stood me in good stead over the years, in hotel rooms all over Britain. Just make it normal. Anyway, so she gave me my money. It's like £147 and some change.

I left there feeling like the man who broke the bank in Monte Carlo. Honestly. I had a real spring in my step. Yeah, that was just in a drawer. That's like free money to you. Oh, I mean, I was absolutely thrilled. And I did... I must admit, I probably walked a little bit faster than I normally walk.

Because I was like, um, excuse me. And then a woman saying, I nearly fell for that. Give me that money back. But no, it's OK. They still exist. If you've got any traveller's checks at home, you can have a look during this. The best of Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. Anything from the outside world? Well, we will. We'll get on to that in a minute, but I've got something I'd like to ask you. Okay. Because I saw you on the nightly. Ask away.

Oh. Ask away with Frank Skinner. Brand new series. That could be all right, couldn't it? It'd be like, there are people, what, I see people asking me stuff, I'm guessing. Ask away. That's the format.

That's just... Bit of a football nod as well, because Frank loves his football. He loves his soccer. Unless it's me rejecting pizza. Anyway. Yes, I saw you on the Nightly show this week. Yes, yes.

I was very excited, Frank. I was gutted. So did I, actually. Did you? Alan saw a telly programme. I was gutted. I arrived fully expecting it to be Alan saw a telly programme. I was gutted. See, I arrived fully expecting it to be hosted by Keira Knightley.

I thought that's what it was all about. That would have been great. Twice Knightley. So no, it was Ramsay. Yeah, Alf Ramsay. Now, the Knightley show is something that I've missed out on because I was away toting my traveller's checks around North America. Oh yeah, you were busy.

So I missed the first two weeks of it. There was Davina, David Williams John Bishop I think. Yes, John Bishop. So people were talking to me about it and they weren't always praising I'll be honest with you. I think it was the butt of some jokes on comic relief as well. It's difficult starting these things off, isn't it?

Anyway, so the first time I saw it, I was in it. That was my... So it was too late then to think, you know what, it's not... No, but I had a lovely time on it. But on the way, can you believe this? Now, when you do a TV show, as you'll both know, they send you a car to pick you up and take you to the studio, which is fair enough, paid for by the TV production.

I'm not saying it's the only reason, but it's a hugely motivating factor. It's lovely. So I go in the car and it's filmed at a theatre in called the Cochrane funnily enough. Oh is it? Yeah. So I was chatting to the driver generally about life

and he said you know we're going to the Cochrane Theatre and then when he got there he saw the big sign outside. He said you're doing the nightly show? I said yeah. He said, you're doing the nightly show. I said, yeah. He said, oh, do you? I said, don't say that.

He said, let me send the reviews. I said, mate, did you not hear it? I am doing, I'm going to do it now. He said, yeah. He said, oh, no. He said, I don't like it. I said, mate, let me say that again. I'm just about to do it. I said, you know, giving, oh, no, I said, I don't like it. I said, mate, let me say that again. I'm just about to do it.

I said, you know, giving me a lot of negative vibes. I thought that was true. Honestly, of all the people that I expected to ever use the phrase negative vibes, you would have been lowest as well. What would your father say? I'm happy with that. Did you put your hand in your pocket Grabbed some salt and throw it in his face

I think I've been using the phrase Negative vibes for 40 years Have you? I think it's in Kelly's Heroes Well I use the phrase which is slightly more You know scented candles I use the phrase negative energy I said to someone only this week

I'm getting a lot of negative energy from you, okay. I said to someone, only this week, I'm getting a lot of negative energy from you. Also, I don't like the idea that a driver is making a qualitative judgment on the programmes he's delivering people to. And who's he being paid by? The programme. If you only drop people off to TV shows that you like, you'll probably do about three journeys a year.

Yeah, well, with this driver, I don't want to be doing Baby Watch every week. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I was staying at a hotel this week, and I arrived, and there were some other people I was working with who were also there in the foyer. Is it the foyer of a hotel?

And I said something which I think might be the most middle class thing I've ever said and I said it and it sort of hung in the air and I was sort of I shocked myself I actually said and this is completely

unironically I meant it in some strange way I actually said I'm just going to go upstairs to freshen up. Now there are three things about this. First of all I

I like that there are three things about this. No one thought it strange. That was the first thing that really threw me. Also I had no idea how one freshens up. And the third thing is that it's a cliché. I think you'd agree it's a cliché. And I'll go out of my way to avoid a cliché.

Whereas now I'd absolutely dived in at the deep end. Yeah, yeah. Would you ever say I'm going to freshen up, Em? I'll start with you. Well, I know what you mean by freshen up. But I don't. When I said I'm going to freshen up, what would you expect me to do when I get up there?

I don't really want to go into it in your case. But I imagine you'd had a long car journey am i right you just arrived at the hotel yes oh okay so this would involve there's things that need to be done some sort of discharge well what i would do absolutely disgusting i would i would go into the hotel i can't get over it i would go into the hotel room, I would freshen up, I'd probably change my top, I would wash my hands, get some baby wipes out. Really? Yeah, oh lovely. Freshen up. Freshen up with my baby wipes. For some reason, if I was going to freshen up, I'd feel I'd need rose water. Really?

If I was going to freshen up, I'd feel I'd need rose water. Really? Something about rose water that, to me, is at the very heart of freshening up. And I don't really know what rose water is. Is it the water that's had roses left in it? It's a nice scented water, Frank. Would you go for a squirt of the Dove deodorant?

A bit of Lynx, maybe? A bit of Lynx? What, midday? Would you not do that as part of the freshening up? I do that in the morning. It says 24 hours on the bottle. Oh, yeah, you can use it more than once. I think it's a guesstimate. But then I'm going to be unsure about what the time lapse thing is.

Yeah. OK. I don't want a 24-hour one and then 12 hours into that, another 24-hour one. Yeah. Soon I'm going to... I'd have to get a chart. Do I want an armpit chart?

Is that what I want in my life? Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I want to talk about Cher this morning. Cher? She's 71. Do you say Cher?

I say Cher. I say Cher. I like you say Cher. I say Cher. I like you say Cher. You've got a bit of a syllable. I fancy you say Cher. I say Cher. Okay. Okay.

Let's call the whole thing 71. Yeah. Because she's my age-spiration. She's 71, Cher. Amazing looking character. Yeah. She is an extraordinary character, Cher. Yeah, she is.

And she announced recently there's going to be a musical of her life. So this is next year. It's going to be divided into three sections called Babe, Lady and Star, representing the three sections of her life. So, which I think sounds great, even though they do all sound a bit like horses, those names. Yeah, and also Star.

I don't know if I'd want to call a section of my musical that. Is it... It doesn't refer to a song called Star or anything. No, because Babe is obviously... I got you, Babe. I got you, Babe, yeah, right. What would worry me... Unless you look like a pig when she was young.

Yeah, yeah. What would worry me is if look like a pig What would worry me Is if an actress of a certain age Was auditioning for Lady And then got the call saying Actually we'd consider you for Star That would hurt He wouldn't want that

Although there is an opportunity on behalf of the production I don't know if the people that are going to make this musical are listening But if you've got three different Shares at different times of your life You could call it musical Shares if the people that are going to make this musical are listening. But if you've got three different shares at different times of their life, you could call it musical chairs. Oh, musical chairs. Musical chairs.

Yeah. Brilliant. They've got it all planned out. I bet the producers aren't even listening. I've heard that Russell Brandy's going to play a chair. All he needs is a back comb. I mean, it doesn't... He doesn't even really need that

no he just walks straight on that's that's the oldest share right there i liked her statement announcing it she said there will be a performance in a theatre with actors dancers and singers yeah i know what a musical is it was like she was playing articulate and someone had asked her to describe a musical that's like It's like when I saw a handwritten sign on a ice cream van that said ice cream cones with chocolate flakes. 99p. And I thought, don't give away all the ingredients. Apparently Freud will also make an appearance in the show. Which one?

Sigmund. Sigmund's in it. I mean, I don't know what he's going to be singing. I wonder where he fits in. I don't know either. No, maybe. I can't imagine there's been a crossover in their lives. She had a lot of therapy, she had a lot of...

Oh, maybe. Oh, yeah, there might be like a psychoanalysis number, the big showstopper. Yeah. yeah, there might be like a psychoanalysis number, the big showstopper. Yeah. Yeah, that could be. Yeah, I liked her tweet about the announcement when she was saying what a musical consisted of. I also noticed that she replaced the word bee with a bee emoji.

Yeah, she loves an emoji. Like a picture of a bee. Okay. So rather than saying there will be a theatre show, it was there will in words and then a bee. Oh, really? And then a theatre show. She didn't do a picture of a theatre show.

Sorry to that extra character. She just puts a bee in. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, did it really? Well, the time it takes to press the thing and find the emoji, because if it's not in your frequently used emojis, it can be a bit of a... Yeah. I mean, did it really? Well, the time it takes to press the thing and find the emoji, because if it's not in your frequently used emojis, it can be a bit of a...

Yeah. So if I looked up the lyrics of... Nigel Farage. It'll be Believe will be written with a B, and then maybe even a leaf. Oh, Frank. Oh, if she did that. Frank, she needs you on board.

You're the conmeister. I think the press release for this show might end up being like one of those Saturday magazine puzzles that you see. It just takes about 15 minutes. If I could turn back, clock emoji. Picture of a back. If I could turn back, picture of a back.

I don't like the sound of it. That's going to be hard. Well, there's the picture of the... Bark, you're on Sebastian Bark emoji. What are we going to do for turn Well, there's the picture of... Bark, yeah, and Sebastian Bark emojis. What are we going to do for Turn? Do they have a Barack emoji? Is that actually Sherlock?

For Turn, we'll have to do a picture of Turner with the ER crossed out, I'm afraid, like one of those old-fashioned ones. It's all getting complicated. It is, it's getting... Picture of a swivel chair. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I'm going to ask you a question about Cher and I don't mean to be unkind about her Not about Cher

She strikes me I mean how many hits has she had? She's had a lot Frank Has she? Well she strays into this Mariah Carey territory in some ways. Do you know what I mean?

You think? Well, I think some of the hits were possibly in earlier decades. Well, I remember a couple of the, you know, the 60s. I got You Babe, Bang Bang, I remember. Believe was big, though. Come on. Yeah, but we're still, I tell you what, there are certain stars. You believe. Oh, yeah, I remember. Believe was big, though. Come on. Yeah, but we're still... I'll tell you what, there are certain stars... You believe.

Oh, yeah, yeah. What about It's In His Kiss? That one, is that...? Well, that's a cop. Well, yeah, I'll give you that. What I'm suggesting... I do a good job. There are some stars who are quite big stars

who I think of as the nine items or less stars... LAUGHTER ..who haven't really had... There's a few years when they're big, but the stardom never really fades. Yeah, but we're not over

nine yet. She can still use the basket. She's still getting that cue. And even in that, we've got a couple of covers haven't we? Yeah, a couple of covers when she's pushing it a bit. In the musical, we're going to have people pretending to be Cher singing covers that she sang. Exactly.

Well, she must have had some fillers. There'll be a new song. I suppose Bang Bang might fit with the death of Cromwell. I don't think he was shot, was he? I mean, what you're saying is you're more excited about the babe. No, what I'm saying is, has she got enough stuff to sustain a musical? Will there be songs where we're going, oh, I don't know, I don't know this one. Right.

No, I wouldn't know them all. Yeah, but I don't, I tell you, I'm not, you know, it's great to have had any things, but there are the nine items or less. You get film stars as well, nine items or less. You know, you think of the, you think, oh, big star, name the films. Well, we did do a texting.

What good films has Johnny Depp been in? And the answer was none. I wouldn't say he was, I'd say he was eaten more than oh no he's prolific but they're not very good this is what we established no haters I'm not here to judge these people

I'm saying there was a great what the hell are you doing here then I think there was a great explosion of music and films from Cher and then there was like a vapour trail of chiffon. That's my summary. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. I tell you what I did. This is another football. We don't talk about football much on the show, so I'm enjoying this bit. Well, I like that we talk about it in a Neville Southall I love my wife T-shirt way on the show. Well, yeah, well, this is a sort of a...

Whatever happens to you? Because it's something I did. I had... This is a while back now, but this has reminded me of it for some... I had need of a funnel. Oh. Now, I don't know about you, I had need of a funnel. Now, I don't know about you, I'll tell you what,

I was putting a cup of tea into a plastic drink bottle. Were you? The car had come, I'd just poured a cup of tea and I really fancied it, so I put it into a plastic drink bottle. Tory MP with an excuse. I was putting a cup of tea, officer. It's not that big a scandal. It depends where it was, the funnel.

Bottle of tea. And I don't know about you, but I don't keep a funnel. No. There's one under the sink, but you wouldn't want to put tea. It's been used for, you know. I've got a travel funnel, but I always forget to take it with me. Travel funnel? Yeah, yeah.

Does that fold out into a funnel? Flat pack's really good, but I never remember it. So I used a Vuvuzela. Did you? Yeah. Which I'd bought and brought back from the World Cup in South Africa. And they were so mocked at the time, but now... The heat's...

I don't know if you remember... Very used. The noise. But FIFA banned them almost, well, certainly the Premier League and that, banned them almost immediately after the World Cup. So I was left with one on my hands. So it was just

standing on a shelf on its broad end. He finds a use for everything. Yeah. Reduce, reuse, recycle. It's his approach to everything. I have respect for it. And then I went to a

fancy dress party as a unicorn. Perfect. No, I didn't. I made that up. Yeah, I went as Jean-Paul Gaultier, Madonna. Yeah, so what did you do with your voo-voos, Zaylas? I've got a little tub of taramasalata. Which I'm not going to have

until the end of the show, but honestly my mouth is physically watering as we discuss it. Oh, mine gets like that if I say the words lime pickle. That just happened to me when you said that. It's great, isn't it? Oh, I love that, Al. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Taramasalata.

What a wonderful phrase. Taramasal Al. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Tarama salata. What a wonderful phrase. Tarama salata. It means no worries for the rest of your days. That's how they should advertise it. Tarama salata. Yeah. It's a problem free. I can't think of a word for dip.

It's hardly a philosophy. It's a word for dip that sounds a bit like philosophy. I wouldn't describe it as entirely problem free. It stains. It can be a bit smelly. It's a a philosophy. It's not a word for dip that sounds a bit like philosophy. I wouldn't describe it as entirely problem-free. It stains, it can be a bit smelly. It's a problem-free... Hard to spell. I would bet a problem-free accompaniment for a crudity. Oh, nice.

Tarama salata. Strong word. I know it should be crudity, but I find, for me, it's often accompanies a crudity. Yeah. I mean, with that kind of work and Brexit, the bar is well high today.

Oh man. Well here's the debate here. I got a lot of leaves left over in the garden right? So I bought I said I need a leaf sucker.cker. And my personal assistant said, it's a blower,

isn't it? I thought you were going to say she refused to do it. I said, I don't want to blow them, I want to sock them. I want to sock them into a thing and not throw them away. Yes, a vacuum. She said, I've looked it up, it's the same thing.

Is it? Not socking and blowing in general, but there's a switch on it. You never hear about leaf socking, do you? Hang on, why don't they do that as much better than blowing? But people always talk about leaf blowing, leaf blowing this, leaf blowing that. Do they?

Don't they? I saw there's a leaf blower. Do they? Well, more often they talk about leaf socking. I saw one of them leaf sockers down our road. You'd think that was an insect. You're right. Anyway, I got it.

Did you buy it or rent it? I got it. I bought it. Just threw money at the problem. He works hard if he wants to get himself a leaf socker sock blower. You don't have to say, but are they expensive? They're not. I think it was like...

Oh, don't be vulgar. No, I'm not asking you to name the price Alan three figures no it wasn't that much it was a sob three figures so I don't have that many leaf based tools

I've got a rake I reckon you've got the lot now you've got your rake you've got the sucker slash blower well that is technically a leaf so do you use it did the sucker or the blow motion go off first no no I switched it on to sock

it's quite clear and I socked the leaves and one big leaf went in and that was it and then it stuck to switch it off and get that out Well no wonder they don't use that sucking function I mean what I needed was a list of

tree leaves that were used you know some of the smaller tree leaves I mean we've got lots of trees around our garden, they're the traditional wooden ones and the leaves when the leaves come down one big leaf, it gives up the leaf socket.

I mean, it was such a disappointment. That's gone into the shed. I would be surprised if I ever pick it up again. Can I ask you a question, Frank? I went in there an hour later to spit on it. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I went to the cinema this week.

I haven't been for a while, I'll be honest with you. I've not been for ages. No. What did you go and see? I was desperate to see Wonder Woman before it disappeared. So I got to the cinema and I was going with my sister-in-law. So I arrived before her and I thought, I'll get the tickets.

Yeah. So I went up and went into the cinema and couldn't see anywhere to get the tickets from at all. There was, you know, hot dogs, popcorn. Yeah. Soft drinks. Why are they called that? Well, as opposed to drinks that are really

hard. Hard liquor. Yeah, hard liquor. Anyway, so I ended up, there was a young chap who was, I mean he was working there. He was young. But he had a laminate. I went over

and I said, where's your... Laminate? I said, excuse me, where's your... Laminate? I said, excuse me, where's the box office? He looked at me and he said, we don't have no box office. He didn't say we don't have no...

He did. He said, we don't have no box office. We don't need no education. I said, what do you mean? He said, we don't have no box education. I said, what do you mean? He said, we don't have no box office. I said, well, do I get a ticket for the film? He said, anybody will sell you a ticket. I said, what do you mean?

He said, all these people on the counter, they'll all sell you. I said, well, get one from that woman there. And he said, yeah. And he said, look, the way he was with me. This is what he heard. I'm going to go into this young man's head now. He's quite a cool looking guy. Okay.

This is what he heard. A man, I walked up to him and said, excuse me, I'm the oldest man in the world. That was what he heard. So when did that happen? So I went up to the woman standing next to the big cops of things.

And where was she working? Was she on the top? I was low. You know when you're braced for a practical joke and you don't quite... And I said, can I get a cinema ticket from you? Cinema ticket? She said, yeah. What do you want?

And then she said, do you want an ornery or VIP? I thought, what? How long have I been away from the cinema? So is this normal now? There's no box office at the cinema. Oh, we don't have no box office. It's pretty normal. We've no box office.

When did the box office disappear? Well, last time I went, not only did they have no box office, I got it from the popcorn man and who then turned into the man who tore up your tickets two minutes later. He was running around like that man and carry on abroad. He does all too many jobs. It's like Cinema Paradiso.

Yeah, it's like Alex Guinness has taken over. He's played every role. This was a view. Cinema never a big company. Yeah, I don't like that. Oh, man. I've got some other bad news for you.

The VIP thing, that wasn't just for you. They let normal people have VIP tickets too. Well, of course, I bought VIP. I thought, yeah, I'll go for it.

Got enough for four people in there. Yeah, yeah. Who knew? The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. What else happened at... Well, that wasn't the only thing that went wrong.

At SW... 19. 19. Did you see... Sarah's our tennis correspondent. I looked her even for postcards. Postcard correspondent. Did you see the towel thief?

Oh, towel gate. Well, towel gate. Newcode. Correspondent. Did ye see the towel thief? Oh, towel gate. Well, towel gate. New law. Yeah. Towel thief, I think, is leading the... Oh, OK. Leading the witness. OK, well, let's explain what happened.

OK. Yeah. So, this Jack Sock... Yes. Who I must say I'd never heard of. Is he a well-known tennis player? He is, but he's been lost for ages. Oh, that's how well-known he is.

Oh, lovely. He's the famous lost sock, isn't he? Has he got, what I like, has he got a relative also playing at Wimbledon? Yeah, he's in the doubles, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because I hate it when there's just one sock in the drawer. In the drawer? Oh!

Come on! Come on! Come on! New studio, same old talent. Yeah, and apparently his trainer calls himself Jack Trainer Sock. Oh, nice. Lovely. I'm just going to keep going. Any more socks? I'm on the verge of medieval hose.

But aren't we all? At my age, why not? I'm just going to keep going. Any more socks? I'm on the verge of medieval hoes. But aren't we all? At my age, why not? So, Jack Sock. Let's face it, when it comes down to it, I know Jack Sock. That's going to be the new phrase, Frank. I'm going to say that. That's nicer. I'm having that.

You can use that, you see, in the dog world. You won't offend anyone. Yeah. In case you don't know, Emily lives in the dog world. I do. And I like it. Listen to her podcast in which she walks with celebrities and their dogs and talks intimately. It's good.

Oh, Frank. It's good. It's good. Carry on. It's so lovely. So, meanwhile, over in Sockland, Jack Sock, he was playing the game. He threw the towel, because some of these people like the towel, don't they? They do.

They like the sort of, you know, the sweaty... Well, it's a lovely towel. I mean, they look lustrous, the towels. You know what I mean? Not when Jack Sock's been all over them. Yeah, but... No, does one walk? Sweaty sock?

If you get... Oh, yeah. Oh, come on. It's endless. Jack Sock? If you get... Oh, yeah. Oh, come on. It's endless.

No, does... Do you think, if you get a towel from Jack Sock landing in your lap, do you wash that towel and use it as a towel? No. Or do you keep it as Jack Sock's towel? No, it's the memorabilia, Al, isn't it? It's the memorabilia, I think.

Is Jack Sock... I don't want to be disrespectful to him. No, I do. Is he at the memorabilia level I think. Is Jack Sock... I don't want to be disrespectful to him. No, I do. Is he at the memorabilia level? Well, you never know. See, I'd be thinking Free Towel. I wouldn't be thinking Jack Sock Towel. Especially as I know it's called Jack Sock.

I'd have probably worked it out by then if I'd been at the game. Yeah. Advantage Sock. When I heard that... Well, there was a tussle with the Sock Towel. There was a tussle, yeah. Somebody thought, I'm heard that. Well, there was a tussle with the stop-down. There was a tussle, yeah. Somebody thought, I'm having that. Two people thought it.

It was heading for a young boy, or was it? Was it? Or was it? Was it heading for a young boy? But the point is, an elderly gentleman and his wife... I don't know if he was elderly. I'd say he was younger than me. I think he was younger than me. Hashtag awks. Awkward. I would say he was younger than me. I think he was younger than me.

Hashtag orcs. Awkward. I would say... Hold it. What are you getting at? He grabbed the towel. Again, I'm leading it, aren't I? I mean, did he grab the towel?

You are leading the witness. Some people have suggested... Well, the point is, we should say there was an unseemly tussle. Old geezer ends up with the towel and... But how often do you get a seemly tussle? That's true, yeah. This is true. Old Marmurrie weighed in.

Did she? What, after the towel? No, she said afterwards on Twitter, she retweeted something which said, jerk old man stealing a thrown towel of jack socks from a kid. Yeah. Ageist. Yeah. You know that was tweeted by Andy Murray though, I think.

I think she was retweeting her son. But look, once a towel goes into a crowd of people, then it's every man for himself. Survival of the fittest, yeah? Yeah, isn't he? If you want to stake a claim... Darwinian. I would say if you want to stake a claim... Darwinian.

I would say, if you want to stake a previous claim on a towel, you have to put a sun lounger on it. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I went out with Emily Dean, Al, this week. Oh, did you? I had one of the nights of my life last weekend.

Oh, what a night. Yeah, did you? I had one of the nights of my life last weekend. Did you? Oh, what a night. Yeah, late... No, early July... We went to... It had everything, Frank. We went to see some pugilistica. Oh, did you? It had a bit of testosterone. A lot of testosterone. Quite a lot.

A lot of some 80s celebrity. Some 2017 celebrity. Some TOWIE stars. Really? Yeah, it was, but most of all, there was boxing. Yeah, there was boxing. I've picked up on that. So we went to see Chris Eubank Jr. Excellent.

Fighting. Now, I saw his dad fight live three times, so it's interesting then watching the child. Yeah, yeah. But it was fabulous. Now, I know there'll be people listening to this who disapprove of boxing, but there'll be people listening to this

who disapprove of everything, because disapproving is, I would say, the new version of the ice bucket challenge. Everybody's disapproving. And if you're not disapproving of anything, you must be some sort of slob. Yeah, you're not living. I loved it.

I mean, I got very into it, Frank, didn't I? Can I say, I mean, I've seen quite a bit of light boxing. It's more male than me. I don't know that it is more male than Emily, if you know what I mean. She's quite male in a female kind of a way. Oh, I like that. But I knew that my maleness and testosterone wasn't quite up

before we got in there when the security man seriously threatened to confiscate my horse, Mentholipta's lozenges that I had in my pocket. Yeah. Well, they told us initially to go over to the ITV welcome window, didn't they? Oh, yes. Oh, dear. But we were worried, because there were a lot of knockbacks going on, Frank, at that welcome window.

Yeah, a lot of people saying, so no tickets here for you. I thought, oh, no. A lot of them with squashed noses saying, I know Terry. No, I think they were just looking through the perspex. Yeah, so, but it was smooth. Getting the tickets was smooth. In the end, I mean, Frank briefly rechristened it the ITV cold and indifferent window,

but it was fine in the end. They were lovely with us, I must say. Oh, they treated us like queens. But, I mean, to have your Halsmanthelliptus lozenges actually held up and shown to another security bloke, said, Steve, these are okay. I thought they're HalsmanthLipter's lozenges. What am I going to do with them?

He might have been asking... What, am I going to clear Chris Eubank's head? Illegally. He might have been asking if Steve thinks that there's a superior product available. No, I don't. Steve, are these okay? Well, actually, I prefer tunes, but...

I think he's... You're just offering opinions, aren't you? I think he thought I was going to use them as missiles. Didn't he think I was going to send the whole packet or individually wing them across, unwrapping them for a greater aerodynamic? I imagine they'd leave a vapour trail. Oh, lovely.

I loved it when you got the hauls out. It was something very comforting. At the end of a particularly gruesome seventh round, Frank just went, hauls, huh? And I'd say, yeah, Frank, why not? Yeah, it was... And we ate the hauls whilst the men beat each other. Look, I'm not doing any advertising here.

I just, you know, when you get to my age, you're going to get something about your sinuses. I tell you, Frank, I couldn't believe how popular he was with the boxing community oh wow he went down well with this demographic i'm not commenting on this it was a nice it was a nice you got stopped a lot put your arm around i did a lot of um shall i take the you know the cell of the picture yeah yeah nice there was a lot of, shall I take the, you know, the self of the picture? Yeah, yeah, nice. There was a lot of me shaking hands with men with much bigger hands. Right, yeah, yeah. There were 12 o'clock handshakes.

The big hand was on the little hand. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.