The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Best of 2019 - Part 1

Episode Date: December 21, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Take a trip down memory lane as the team discuss Madonna’s Eurovision performance, the Queen joining Instagram, book clubs and they celebrate the show’s tenth anniversary!

The best of Frank Skinner Absolute Radio By the way, one thing we haven't done thus far What's the date? The date is the 19th of January So we're more than halfway through January And I don't think anyone has fessed up to a New Year's resolution Mine, this is a serious one actually

You've got to look at your faults Try and look at your faults to a New Year's resolution. Mine, this is a serious one, actually. You've got to look at your faults. Try and look at your faults. Oh, God. Okay. And sort them out. Oh, we'll do that, love. We'll do that for you. So one thing I've noticed I do,

and I'm not counting this on the show because this is a slightly different... This is IRL. We are a three-headed monster. Do you know what I mean? We speak as one in many ways. So this is IRL. So what I do, I've found in company,

is I interrupt people quite a lot. With funny things to say. Well, sometimes, and sometimes just helping them to be more interesting. You've never struck me as an interrupter. Perhaps I don't interrupt you as much, you see, but I've realised that a lot of my friends, I am, there's that moment where I see them go,

oh, because I've come in to speak. Why don't you interrupt us then? Maybe you're frightened of me. I think I do, but it's not so bad because you're being paid. Yeah, it's more acceptable. You. Yeah, it's more acceptable. You're right, it's more acceptable. But also, if I may say, I would suggest that maybe Frank doesn't interrupt you as much as the people that he's talking about, Emily,

because you're already funny and interesting and that's what he's trying to bring them up to speed on. What are you saying about my friends? They're two of the nicest people I know. Boring, though, aren't they? Well, I've realised now, of course, I've been carrying them for years. I mean, honestly, this is starting to happen, though,

is now I'm not interrupting people, I'm thinking You're falling asleep. It's unbearable. For God, I thought they were interesting, but I realised now it was just smart editing on my part. Honestly, people go on and on. Well, you need...

And then you have to sort of usher them off the chat show. Yeah. This is the thing. Really, though, I mean... What sort of interruptions will you make, Frank? So in a conversation with one of your friends? One of the reasons, I think, is as I've got older, sometimes I think of something brilliant to say.

And by the time I've let them finish their dreary sentence, I've forgotten it. And I think you just have to, you know, you have to have a scales in your mind of what's worth it. And, you know, there's a famous thing is another um alan shira would push people out the way and you know and to go to work for a ball to in a sort of a i'm better i'm good at this you better leave it to me and i you know i don't it's it's that but um so i've i've i've let letting people now witter on oh yeah and i'm And I'm starting to think it's not done me any favours.

It's not doing them any favours. I think you're right. I'm just making a New Year's resolution now to interrupt people more. I don't want to have to go through this that Frank's going through. It's amazing what you can do with some interruptions and a bit of guidance. Yeah. You can actually turn people into sort of a relatively interesting companion. But if you let them just roam free,

I mean, honestly, I don't know how they get on when I'm not there. It must be beyond tedious. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I think I'm going to try and change my outlook on the world my natural disposition I think it might be a little bit dour

No I think it might I'll give you an example Take that back Well, I'm going to do a little test I tried to take my daughter swimming recently and we got to the swimming pool and I thought

wow, the car park's very empty the pool, very quiet could be a good sign we might get the swimming pool and I thought, wow, the car park's very empty, the pool very quiet. It could be a good sign we might get the whole pool. Great. We walked up to the door and they said there was a sign up saying the gym is open, but the pool is closed due to an incident. Just a piece of paper. I went back and I mentioned it to my wife and she said,

that's, you know, someone's done a solid in the pool. Oh. Oh, is that what it is? And then I said to somebody else, then they said someone's done a solid in the pool. And my first thought was fatality. So that's obviously that I'm the baddie in this, aren't I? Oh, because you don't have to say anything more.

By the way, I have no resolution. I don't know what it was, but my brain went much worse than everybody else's. Three people I mentioned it to and they all thought it was just a toilet incident. Well, I'd be prepared to swim if it was just that. What, a solid or a fatality? No, not with a fatality.

I'd feel disrespectful. I'd be happier swimming with a fatality than with that. It's more self-contained, isn't it? I can swim around that, whereas that permeates. No, I'd feel that. I agree. I would honestly rather swim with a corpse. Now you're joking.

What about when you swim over them? I don't care. I'd honestly feel more comfortable with a corpse. You are. What? I would. Broken Britain. I don't honestly feel more comfortable with a corpse You are What? What I mean Broken Britain No, I agree with Emily

Really? If there's been a solid Would you rather swim With excrement or a corpse? I knew this had legs At first I thought there was a tension But I knew it had legs It's one of life's great dilemmas, isn't it?

It could be. And can the lady from Guinness Book of Records please send me the best ever texting on Breakfast Radio? Certificate. Oh, my goodness. Well, I'm surprised. So you really would go and experiment? I'm not messing around now.

Please, let's not talk about messing around. Stop your messing around. I'm absolutely... I'm horrified around now. Please, let's not talk about messing around. Stop your messing around. I'm absolutely... I'm horrified that you'd rather sleep with the... We didn't say anything about that. No, that you'd rather swim with the deceased than the discarded. Well, you want to change your water, don't you?

Well, there's a lot of water there. I mean, if you had a pint... If you had a pint of beer and an insect landed on the top, say some sort of, I don't know, crane fly, and you took that off, you know, it's been in there, but you think, well, it's a small insect in a big pint. You'd carry on drinking, wouldn't you? You wouldn't reject that, wouldn't you?

Yeah, you're right. Well, there you go. Well, 736, it really would depend on how long the corpse had been right. Well, there you go. Well, 736. Yeah, all of it. It really would depend on how long the corpse had been there. Oh. That's Trevor. It's getting worse, you see? I wouldn't be at all bothered how long the poo had been there.

806, defo corpse. I mean, there's absolutely loads of these. I can't believe I'm in a minority on this. What about 010, Al? I'm with Emily. I'd rather swim with the dead than poo. That's from Fran. I don't... I'm really...

If you'd asked me to predict this, I would have said, if you got one person who would prefer the deceased to the discharged... Yeah. Really? Well, Alan, what about, we've got a pool engineer. What is it with people?

Oh, pool engineer, he'll have an interesting... Three-line name. He, this is Dave, I'm a pool engineer. Unbeknown to swimmers, they swim in faecal matter every swim. Seems a bit extreme to empty the pool to me, just because you can see it. Oh, he's bringing an expert view.

Yeah, I think he'd speak of sooth. Oh dear. They don't empty the pool, do they? Well, I'd like them to. I'd like to think they would. Oh, you need a butterfly net. Yeah, you'd think. Yeah. To be honest, the pool that I was discussing isn't that clean that I

think they would change the water. That was why I was thinking it was probably a corpse for the admin. And I speak as a certified snowflake. It wouldn't bother me even slightly. If I could, you know, if it was at my side like a couple of water wings, it wouldn't bother me. Some people like dolphins. Whereas I...

Well, 508 has said, having experienced the swimming with a number two in a public pool, I fully agree. Give me a corpse any day. Oh, what? What number is a corpse? Strange turn of phrase, granted.

It has a number two. What the hell is a corpse. It's a change turn of phrase, granted. It has a number two. What the hell is a corpse? It continues. The four mentioned can move a lot quicker across the water, but of course, when you bring it to the attention of the lifeguard, they look at you as if it was yours. You wouldn't get that with a corpse. That's true.

Although, if you brought the corpse to the attention of the lifeguard, wouldn't they feel that you were accusing them? Yeah. Accusing them of slacking. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Can I tell you a bit about what happened to me this week? Okay.

I sent Ray to the dog hotel, first of all. Ray to the dog hotel. I've seen it online and I like the look of it. Nice. I sent Ray to the Dog Hotel first of all. Ray to the Dog Hotel. I'd seen it online and I like the look of it. Nice. It's fabulous. It's like a it's almost like

a private members club in Somerset. You send them off and they pick them him up. Is it a kennel though essentially? No. Well.

Oh. Not really. How vulgar. It's not. It's all lovely. They have cream argers and all farrow and ball paint. It's called

the Country Dog Hotel. They pick him up in a... What do they like to pick him up in? A Range Rover. They keep the dog theme. Oh, with Rover, yeah. Yeah, Rover. Of course, I mean, if you turn up in a Jaguar,

you'd taste it. Yeah. That was great. Just nodded it in. But I was getting... What's so strange is I was seeing on Instagram pictures of Ray. There's a picture of Les Dennis with Ray.

Really? Well, yeah. Does he work there? It's quite... LAUGHTER Tom Holland's going to do long-distance driving, so maybe Les Dennis is the kind of... Les Dennis is running a dog hotel there.

That's awful. He's not running a dog hotel. I think he was involved because Ray was also photographed with Lorraine Kelly. Her dog goes there. David Gandy's dog goes there. But you weren't there for the factory. No, human beings aren't allowed in the dog hotel. Well, what's Les

Dennis? Not even across the threshold. Has Les Dennis been exposed as an alien? He's a canine. Yeah? Wow. He was allowed, I think they were dropping Lorraine's dog back. Angus was being dropped back

and Les Dennis might, they might have been there as well. I don't know. Absolutely. Madness. Goodness. Anyway, that's not the point of the story. Well, can you tell me about it?

The point of the story is Reverend Richard Coles from the Commodores. What are their rooms like? As the neighbours called him, they said, we thought you were from the Commodores. He said, no, the Communards. They said, oh, that's why we were surprised. OK.

They said that. They said, we didn't think you looked like that. I know. What are the rooms like in the dog hotel? Do they have beds and stuff like that in the hotel room? Yeah. They ask you, because he was sharing with Lorraine Kelly's dog, Ray, which I was fine about.

I was very happy because I like Lorraine. What? It's like football. Is it a Y game? Wow. Do they have a communal bath as well, the dogs? They do. What? But they ask you beforehand, they say,

do you want a spa treatment for him? And I said, may as well. How many seconds do you think are between the door being closed and the dog empty in the minibar, sweets and chocolates? That white, the Toblerone, the knots in the jar. And he'll put the hotel TV on. Do you think they'll have that? The shortbread on the tea-making facility.

Oh, man, they'll be striking. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So the show is ten years old. We've already had a reprimand, I think. Have we? We have, I'm afraid. It is to do with the oppressive twelfths, which we're very strict about normally, Frank.

Yes, I think we might even... It is to do with the oppressive 12s, which we're very strict about normally, Frank. Yes. I think we might even... We've got a clip, I think. Well, shall... Okay. Coincidentally. We should... This should explain.

So this is when this idea first came up on the show. Okay. So when would this have been? Do we know? This was July 2014. July 2014. I'm supposed to go straight into a clip. We weren't expecting this.

As we've had this reprimand. Listen in. Yeah. It's not an early start by the working person standard. Yeah. We start the show at eight. We get here about seven. What time do you set your alarm for on a Saturday morning usually?

5.45. 6 or 6.05, depending. Me? 6.03. Because it's recently struck me, why do I have to be a slave to the tyrannical 12th? Every morning it gives you that feeling that I'm a bit of a different thinking guy

now the thing with that is I always thought it was the oppressive twelfths that's what I've come to but the tyrannical twelfths is much better yes

the idea is the twelfths obviously is that people always split things into five minutes so they'll say I'll see you at quarter past twenty exactly

seldom does someone make an arrangement for thirteen past no you're right so Dylan Hubble the reprimand Exactly. Seldom does someone make an arrangement for 13 past. No. You're right. So Dylan Hubble, the reprimand, he says, how, I repeat, how, the Dickens,

can you of all people be paying homage to the oppressive decimals? I'll tune in for nine hours and 42 minutes. Yes, what we should have done is celebrated our ninth or eleventh anniversary. That's a good point. It's too late now.

We've got the balloons now. We've got the balloons. We've got the balloons. We've got, yeah, we've got the

similar things. It's our tin anniversary. Tin? Yeah, tin is tin. Yeah, it's a rubbish anniversary

tin. Can you imagine? A husband turning up with a tin brooch. I'll tell you what I don't like about the tin anniversary. Haven't they just... Isn't the 10th anniversary the tin anniversary? Because tin sounds a bit like 10. Yes.

I mean, is that the best they've got? Will it be our lemon anniversary next year? I think you've got to have someone that feels somehow significant, not just vaguely sounds a bit like you. Imagine someone got you a tankard. I'd walk. I've been given a tankard as a gift in the past. Have you?

Yeah. One thing I was a bit concerned about was... Being thrown off air after 10 hours of broadcasting actually I'll tell you this later the reason I say is that

last night I went to bed fairly early because I thought it's going to be a long day tomorrow 10 hours on the radio so

I I went my I have a 6 year old song called Boz new readers so I went to my, I have a six-year-old song called Buzz, new readers might not know, so I went to kiss him goodnight, and he said to me, so it's your ten-hour show tomorrow.

I said, that's right, yeah. He said, is your show the most important show on Absolute Radio? Hmm. I said, yes. No, I'm sorry to all my colleagues, but you know, you weren't there. And he said, what's the next most important show? I said, well, way back, way back after us. And I won't say what I said was second.

But he said to me, there's one thing, though, I won't say what I said was second but he said to me there's one thing though I don't understand he said why do you never play We Are The Champions and I said well you know we do play he said you never play

he's a Mad Queen fan he made me play that in the car the other day when I went to bed and I thought, I realised that the first question was a set up for the second question. Because what he was getting at is because

in a way we are the champions. That'll speak for itself. Can I say again that I'm not obviously I'm not totally sincere that we're the most important show, but when you're talking to a small child late at night and trying to get him to sleep... Well, one has to agree. It's no good me going on about Dave Berry and Jason Manford.

It's filling his head with too much stuff and all our other fabulous presenters. and all our other fabulous presenters. So I realised that it was a request based on the fact that in his mind, based on, in fact, my information, that we are the champions. Yeah. So it was a lovely moment. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And we're just going into, what is it now, our fourth, fifth hour? We give up past a certain. It's like with my grandfathers. I gave up past number four or five. Yeah, well, someone texted in, didn't they, and said, I work ten hours a day, shot your face. Yeah.

Well, that's paraphrasing it. Yeah, paraphrasing. Someone wrote in to say that their son is a chef and those were his words, pretty much his words. Yeah. He said, I, Frank, I was giving my son, Tom, a lift to the restaurant where he's one of the chefs this morning and listening to you.

He said, 10 hours, I work longer than that every day. That said, congrats, and many more years on Absolute. That's from Mike. I mean, I think we might have been coming across like sort of media elites where a 10-hour shift is considered some kind of hardship. Saying, I can't believe I've got to get up. It's pretty unusual to do 10-hour solid on the radio.

Yeah. I think what's made this one particularly distinctive is that we haven't had... Reviewing it already. A dip in quality. What makes it unique? What makes it particularly distinctive, barely three hours in? Extraordinary behaviour.

What gives my ten-hour radio marathon a unique flavour is there is no charity aspect whatsoever. Using these things, Sir Don, for good causes, to just do it willfully. Not here on commercial radio. It's the sort of flip side to comic relief. Yes. Well, I would like to say, which I know you won't want me to,

but I'm afraid I'm a gunner. You are a gunner, of course. I'm a gunner. You are a gunner, of course. I am a gunner. You do give to charity, but yeah, not in the... No, no, but I think the idea... He does, he gives a lot of money. The idea with the charity thing is

that the... It's not Catholic. The listeners have to do it, isn't that the idea? I know, yeah. Like when the Tess and... Who was it? Claudia. Tess and Claudia, of course. Lovely Claudia.

Well, sweet boy. Tess and Claudia did the dance marathon. They raised a million quid. Yeah. Did they really? Amazing. And you're doing this 10-hour marathon. For free pie and chips.

Catching up on the show via the podcast, and I heard the DME mention the most depressing song ever for her is There's No Business Like Show Business. Oh, I can't bear it. It just makes me want to die. I love it. They continue. I mean, it's so true.

You do love show business. Al, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but this is how I don't like it. When I see school children singing it, but I need to explain to him, it's not Shirley Bassey or someone like that. It's school children going, There's no business like show business. If it's not performed correctly,

it's terrible. Over to you, Alan. Agreed. I'd like to throw another into the mix. This isn't me speaking. It's Prisoner 113. Happy birthday. Most people insist on singing it

at an unacceptably slow pace with not a hint of happiness in their faces, as if chanting at some sort of cult ceremony. Or Neil Warnock. I try to bring up the pace with overzealous clapping to set a better speed, but I'm usually overruled by the age-old tradition of celebrating someone's new year on the planet

with one long, mumbly murmur. Praise redacted from Prisoner113. How do we feel about it? I saw murmur. Who sang, there's no business like show business. It all links, doesn't it? Yeah, I know.

When they mention it, it's never occurred to me before. It does lack a bit of pace, Happy Birthday. It's a bit of a dirge, isn't it? Yeah, you wouldn't normally sing a song at that pace. Whenever it's sung to me, my method is to raise my arms in celebration. I find that the least embarrassing.

Like I've just stepped out of a capsule that's landed in the ocean, having done a spacewalk. Remember we did the running thing on life hacks, where we were suggesting things for people to help them out in their life, you never told anyone that it's less embarrassing to hear happy birthday just with your arms aloft. No, you're right. There you go, everyone.

Suddenly it looks like you're outdoing them on the celebration. Usually you're having it done to you, but on this like you're out doing them on the celebration usually you're having it you're having it done to you but on this occasion you're saying yes um this is correct it's great advice the best of frank skinner on absolute radio let's have a proper radio um texting Go on then, what is it? What about last week's? What is it? No. Would you rather? What about Unusual Crush? Oh, that's good. Well, mine... No, when I say Unusual Crush, are mine...

Do you know Rey from Star Wars? Oh, yeah. Daisy. Yeah. I think... Oh, I know exactly who she... Yeah, I know. Yeah.

Well, not actually her. Not actually Ridley. Not actually her, but there's a... I saw a Lego version of her in Hanley's, and I thought, wow, that's amazing. Yeah. And I felt a little uneasy around it, and I thought, I'm going to have to get out of it.

It's life-size. Oh, was it? Daisy Ridley, don't get me wrong, is a very attractive woman, but it's never really... It's the doll. She's never, let's say, floated my boat, but I think she's brilliant in the film.

Yeah. She's scenic. I'm not denying that. She's scenic. But there was something about her Lego version. Okay, Frank, that is up there. I'm going to... Can I say one other one?

Please do. Quite recently, and this might mean nothing to you. Is this Obscure Crushes? Obscure Crushes. Yeah, come on. Okay, Frank, that is up there. I'm going to... Can I say one other one that I picked up quite recently? And this might mean nothing to you. Is this Obscure Crushes? Obscure Crushes. Yeah, come on. The tiger in Kung Fu Panda. Something really sort of slinky and...

It's very hard to say. Obviously slightly feline, but very... Words I can't use. But, feline, but very words I can't use. But, you know, sensual. I don't like this. Kat's going to start seeing ads popping up. Tiger Sanctuary. What about my surely you remember one of my

obscure crushes? I can remember your obscure crush. Oh, Vince Cable. Oh, I'd hardly call that obscure. Oh, I'm Henry VIII. I think you're forgetting the third one. Who's that? Son of canoe man John Darwin. Oh, yes, of course.

I've only ever seen one photograph of him. Excellent work. In a Sunday Times supplement, there was a photograph of him. So it's based on one photo alone, but I just thought he looked attractive. Well, people have met on that basis, of course, in the modern world. The Darwins are hard to track down. Well, exactly. Where do you park your kayak when you're meeting?

Yeah, my one's difficult. What's yours? It's never going to be realised, never. What is it? Well, I dare Tiger and Kung Fu Panda. It's going to come off. That's a good point. You make a very good point.

Do you know the TV, the Netflix television series Making a Murderer? Theresa May? Do you know the Making a Murderer series? Yes. The victim,

Theresa Holbeck. I fancy Theresa Holbeck. Oh, goodness me. She's pretty. I haven't seen this. Do you mean she's... She's no longer with us. She's no longer with us.

But there's quite a few pictures of her as a nice, happy young woman. She's pretty. Like, obscure crush. Her memory lives on. Yeah. Lovely. Have you seen her in Lego? No, not yet.

Not yet. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Have you seen her in Lego? No, not yet We've got a number of texts on the go Some talking about monocle wearers Famous monocle wearers Who we got? Is it all Patrick Moore? Well, Andy Laurie has pointed out Is the monocle an exclusively male affectation? Good point Perhaps male aristocrats find unilateral squinting comes naturally to them.

Yeah. For mere mortals, it is impossible as well as ridiculous. Just a thought. Love you, Andy, Laurie and Sheffield. Yeah.

Is that our kind of person? I love unilateral squinting. Yeah. I wonder if it's something to do with the shape of the female face. Oh, maybe. Well, not that they all look the same, but they tend to be more aqualine don't they well i think it's more to do with the fact i mean

i did you didn't you get the sort of elderly victorian aunt i would imagine with some sort of eyeglass the eyeglass she would hold it up on a lanyard it's right now you know i cannot in my mind now picture a woman in a monocle. Oh, that's a relief to all of us. Try harder. We've also had a bit of an update.

I don't want you picturing us in monocles, thank you. We had a bit of an update on the idea that they might be half the price of glasses

or spectacles. Oh wow, that'd be a good one for you to cover maybe. One one five, yeah. In regards to monocles, I have a gammy left eye.

It makes me sick when people use that phrase. It's that eye. I'll continue. You'll feel great all the way through this now. Whereas my right eye is 20-20. I think that means vision. I don't think it means in the future. No, it doesn't mean it plays limited overs cricket.

My left is about as clear as a pint of pond scum. Hence, I tried to acquire a monocle. Broken Britain. Yeah. I hate eyes. Eyes and eggs. Not easy.

Oh, I like eggs. Not easy, the continuing, meaning acquiring a monocle. I could only find two suppliers online and they were double the price of a pair of glasses. How can that be? Because you know what? What the? When I said they were double the price of a pair of glasses. How can that be?

Because you know what? When I said they should be half price, I was actually letting them off light because there's no stem. Are they still talking about the cost of things? We're talking sans stem. Agreed. Kenny from Edinburgh continues

the optician has suggested a pair of glasses with the left eye lens like a jam jar base and a clear thin lens in the right eye aperture. I'm glad I'm not the only one that's had an issue with this. No, so can I... If a person with one leg goes into a shoe shop... Does anyone else feel tense? Anyone else feel tense?

Why haven't we been up here, Alan? Perfectly safe territory with eyes. I'm pretty sure we're about to drop off air, but go on. Do they have to buy a pair of shoes? I've still got your number, so we'll keep in touch. Yeah.

Do they have to buy a pair? That is a very good texting. Why? This is one of my favourite texting. Why should they be forced into buying two shoes they don't need? It's a very good texting. Why? This is one of my favourite texting. Why should they be forced into buying two shoes they don't need? It's very inclusive texting. It's not a campaign I expected you to get behind, but, you know, it's lovely that you care.

Every comedian now on Twitter seems to have activist after their name. Oh, man, it makes me sick. So this is yours? This is me. I like the show now. Monocle availability and... Two shoes or one. Shoe pair refusal rights.

Yeah. That's what I'm fighting for. The problem with a monocle is that if the wearer becomes surprised or shocked and raises an eyebrow, it will fall off. It's on a string, though. What if you were... A string? Why don't you go into Alan's shop? What if you were driving a car whilst wearing a monocle

and there was an accident? Oh, no, and you were cut up. It falls off and there's an accident as a result. Oh, yeah. Well, I think that... That's from David. We've got to have a rule. The simple thing there is to have a monocle suspended

from the ceiling of the car that you just peer through. When you say it's on a string, I mean on a sort of slinky metal... What is the attachment system for the monocle? It's usually a string that fits into the... Metal, I presume. Into the waistcoat. No, yeah, it tucks into the... You know the lapel, it tucks into the lapel

the bottom a chain you mean yeah well it's normally a string I think I'm thinking I'm thinking Mr. Peanut

it's not a pocket watch where does Mr. Peanut where does the end of Mr. Peanut's of Mr. it sounds like a pet name for the

I use at home where does where does the end of Mr Peanut's monocle streak? Is this like a tree falling in the forest question? Where's it attached? That's what I'm asking. He doesn't wear a... I don't think he wears a jacket or a waistcoat. Where does, let's call it,

the non-business end of Mr. Peanut's monocle string get attached? I think it's attached to him. I mean, they're fibrous peanut shells, but I don't think they'd take a sharp... Not over time. No, he'd be... They're greasy as well. Greasy.

Once he'd been pierced... He would slip off, Frank. That'd be the end. I'd be trying. Internal... Internal trying. Yeah. Oh. trying. Yeah. Internal trying would finish off Mr. Phil. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Have you seen the Simon Cowell advert for Bartley Card or whatever it is? No. Imagine that I bought you for your birthday a Simon Cowell candle and that you had it lit for an entire evening at home and when you got up the next morning you had to look at it and thought, oh, that's ruined I couldn't I know we shouldn't mock the appearance of

people anymore in the modern comedy world but when they've paid for it I think it's kind of alright what on earth? I haven't seen it is that aging so bad that that is better? I mean I watch it

and I honestly jumped when I first saw it. This is one of the richest, most popular, loved, successful men

on the planet. Is he? I think so. I think so. Well, if it's him, I don't know, he looked like

somebody from Slipknot was doing an advert for, is he partly God? Oh, is it? Don't know he looked like somebody from Slipknot was doing an advert for is he partly card who is it don't know

what if he's not him maybe he's in the witness protection program maybe he shouldn't be doing adverts

if he is to be honest look it up but brace yourself I mean God bless him whenever I met

him he's been nice to me but that should not's been nice to me. But that should not have been allowed to happen. I'll tell you what happened. I started my stand-up extravaganza began this week. Oh, yes. How's it going, Frank? So I started my run at the Leicester Square Theatre.

So I had to get in an hour early, sigh, on Monday for the sound check thing. So anyway, I went up to the, I walked in because I couldn't work out how to get in the stage door thing.

So I went through the main entrance. And it was early because I'd arrived early for the sound check. So I went up to the box office and I said, I've come to do a sound check. She said, we haven't been told anything. I said, yeah, I've got a sound check at six o'clock. Can you get me that bucket to vomit in?

She said, what kind of a sound check are you doing? I said, well, I don't understand. I said, I'm doing a sound check. You know, I'm doing a sound check. She said, for a film. I said, no. I'm doing it

for a stand-up show. She said, this is a cinema? And I'd walked into the place next door. And I said to this young woman as I left, I said, I'm terribly sorry. I said, this is what happens to you when you get older. I said, enjoy your youth.

And she said, I will. Yeah, it was, oh man, what a start. What a start. She must have been thinking, where are his overalls? He was doing the sound check. Yeah, exactly. I should have had one of those little boxes. Acme overall.

Oh dear. That was, before the show had even begun, I'd already had a terrible senior moment. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We should probably discuss last week's Eurovision Song Contest performance by the artist known as Madonna, who I think was performing under a character.

She does sometimes do characters, doesn't she? Does she? Yeah. Well, it's the first I heard of her. Madame X. Madame X, that's right. I didn't know that. Yeah, she does that thing, what's it called, like a doppelganger.

Not, um... Alter Ego. Alter Ego, that's the one. Doppelgangers, what an idiot I am. You have to turn around three times now. Honestly. If you say doppelganger. Do I?

There's some weird thing you have to turn around. If you say doppelganger? Yes. Oh, now we've all got to do it. It's all right. I can do it on my chair. I'll do it. It's the joy of the revolving chair and the weird rule, isn't it?

Well, the good thing is that our readers won't even notice that I'm doing it. Now, of course, I'm wrapped in... I'm going to have to do it again, guys. I'm a little bit concerned that if you do three, you might end up strangling yourself with that cable. Everything's fine, don't worry. Don't panic. Here we are, we're back. For the readers, he's gone back the way he came,

so it's not... Yes, it was in Tel Aviv. Well, a friend of mine who is Jewish said to me, it's Tel Aviv. Really? Is that correct? I do apologise. So I'm sticking with that. All right, Tel Aviv. And yeah, she was dressed as Madame X,

which seemingly involves wearing a black eye patch with some sparkles on it. I'm unsure about that. Is the eye patch disability chic? Yes, I felt a bit similar to that. If I did my tour in a mobility scooter on stage, I think I'd be roundly condemned. There would be some brouhaha. There would be, yeah.

I don't see why you can just take on the iPad as if it's some sort of comedy, sexy thing. I think she's showing us her, if I may use the football commentator's phrase, bounce back ability. You know when they say that about teams that have been under duress and then they bounce back. Yes, yeah.

Because I'm pretty sure the last time we discussed Madonna's public performance, she tripped off some stairs. Yes. And I think she's saying, not only can I still perform live, but I can still perform live with only one eye. I'm only using one. Oh, OK. I think she's saying to us, I'm all right, guys.

That was a risk. I don't even need my depth perception. Because unable to judge distance, of course, if you've only got one eye. I can't believe she could do that. If only she'd remembered the other bit about performing live. Well, maybe that was it. Maybe. I knew she'd forgotten.

I think she spent so much focus on the spatial awareness, she forgot she was singing. She forgot you had to sing. Maybe she was using... What if she used a three-dimensional stave? And because she only had one eye, she couldn't see the spaces between the notes and this became confusing.

That's why she was all over the shop. I have to say, I mean, we all... I know I'm not a fan of Madonna with a capital F. I have seen her live a couple of times just because she is a social phenomenon. Me too, yeah. And live, you know, she gives good show. And

she's a ledge. Indeed. A pledge. The slightly off-key performances, but that one was honestly like, it was the Madonna's answer to Les

Dawson playing the piano. It was like when somebody does comedy about singing and you think, well, no one ever gets it that wrong. In an audition for someone being tuneless, you would say, take it down a bit. Yeah. Wouldn't you? You'd say it's a bit over the top. If we're all doing a metaphor, it was like, you know,

when the sat-nav drives into a bit of road that has been made new and the tune was over there and she was in a sort of no-man's land. Yes, it didn't register the new roundabout. But as I said to Lorraine Kelly only this week, we can forgive... Clang. We can forgive... Name drop, Frank. Do you want to get the hoover out?

We can forgive... Clang. We can forgive... Name drop prank. Do you want to get the hoover out? We can forgive Madonna a lot because she comes over as such a lovely person. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio.

Question. Oh, sorry, OK. Claire Butler wants to know, did you get a ticket to the World Cup in the end or watch it at home? Well. Can I say I had numerous people getting in touch to ask me that very same question. Yeah, I was in a state of some anxiety

last night. And this is World Cup cricket. World Cup cricket. Not any other sport. And I, can I say, I gave a bit of a shout out asking people to get in touch. And, which I was embarrassed about. Because I felt it was a bit tacky, to use my favourite word at the moment.

I meant you'd do something tacky. It was also a bit needs must because you were looking through your contacts in the daytime. I'll get you a ticket, Frank, and I think you started to feel the panic and the clock run out. I did. Yeah, it was bravado. Yeah. Anyway, I got... I had a nap.

I had an afternoon nap that Saturday. Because I had a gig in the evening. And when I woke up, there was a message saying, oh, you've been offered a ticket, but I said that I'm supposed to get back to them straight away. And it was like an hour and a half no and this is from someone I work with and I thought so he didn't say yes he said well I'll ask him oh just in case I said you know what I don't think anyway so I had about two hours of

super anxiety uh and then I had a text that said you have a ticket confirmed for tomorrow and i tell you what i did it was quite a nice day on saturday in london and the the um the got the door to the garden was open i went into the garden and ran round the lawn about four times just to burn off the excitement that had hit me. Still in a way you put your arm atop after your nap. Is that what it was? Can I say how? It was a private garden. You know what?

That breeze felt good. I did. I've got a confession to make. I did try. I left here on Saturday. I looked up the sponsors. I ticked off ones that were suitable. Many of them weren't, as I'm afraid they were alcohol-based.

And I thought, what if he has to pose with the product? Yeah, I'd have done that. I'd have probably drank it. There was a tyre company. I thought thought what if they make him pose in there like a chimp it's going to be all unfortunate that would have been great I got in touch with a car company in the end

you never yeah I did I got quite far did you wow yes so um who was it Audi and they said no

because we've got the most aggressive I'll tell you something about Audi on that top. It is my theory that without, I mean by a contrary mile, the most aggressive drivers on the road are Audi drivers and I experience this on a regular basis.

Find out which events they sponsor please so I know. Yeah, and I, when I was, I got the bus to Lourdes for the cricket final and we were just

getting close where an Audi pulled in front of the bus with like I mean really was

nearly an accident to the point where the driver got out of his what would you call it his cubicle his wheel cubicle he got out of there.

I like that. He got off the bus. And it was a woman driver, and she had a real verbal go. In an Audi, and then did an illegal right turn. Anyway, we won't be getting tickets off them for the quickest. But I did try, Frank. No, I appreciate that.

I finally got a reply from the car company on the monday morning saying oh sorry we weren't able to help you we'd love to have you in the future you know i and i said oh you managed to get a ticket in the end and then i thought well yeah of course they would have seen you because you were on the big screen i was on the big screen but what about my manager he said i found sky i thought sorted i had nothing i said did sky just say no? And he replied, that's exactly what they said. Thanks for that. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I played a stupid game of chance this week. I was out on a dog walk with my family, the two junior Cockerels and Mrs. Cockerel, and we took the football with us to just have a kickabout. Yeah. Because females play football too on dog walks. No, no, they do. It's a World Cup, isn't it?

So we got to the goals bit and we were playing. What did you use as posts? Goal posts, yeah. Oh, goal posts. They're old. Yeah, We're quite trad like that and my son had went to get the ball to collect it from behind the goal and as he's running back

he kicked it out of his hands to sort of boot it onto the pitch if you like and million to one chance it goes up in the air and hits the crossbar and bounces back and he catches it

in his hands again right nice incredible and I for a laugh blurted out if you do that again

I'll give you a hundred quid and he did like exactly the same thing again wow brutal well it fell back

it fell back absolutely brutal. Probably about... It's brutal. Maybe 20, 25 feet, something like that. Okay. Just total fluke. There's no way that he's...

Well, he did it twice. I mean, frankly, he's not that good at football, but he can kick it against a bar from that distance. Don't get bitter with him, because you have to give him... Did you give him the £100? Yes, I've given him the £100. £100? All through the show, I've given him the £100 £100 all

all through the show I've been thinking what's wrong with Alan he's he's pensive he's preoccupied he's not been himself all morning

no I've also put a bread knife through every football in the house as well I'll tell you that for now oh I'm the whippet

what are the chances I'm so angry what yeah so wow I mean amazing Oh, I'm the whippet. What are the chances? I'm so angry, boss. Wow. I mean, amazing. That's a lot of money. Oh, man.

To any of us. I will say this, though. But to you, that will cause you physical pain. We laughed our head off for about, well, when you say we. Yeah, they laughed their head off. I sobbed, but they laughed. Did he march you to the cash point like they used to to do when gentlemen had left down the strip, I believe. They were all laughing. The corporal junior must have been as happy as he's ever been in his life.

Can you imagine? Almost worth it for that. I'd be happy to do it. Just to do it twice is brilliant. Yes. Well, of course, you wouldn't have been able to have enjoyed the moment. No. But the joy of it.

But why did that fall out of my face at that moment? If you can do that again, I'll give you... What a stupid thing to say. Reckless. And I've said some stupid things in my life, but that one's up there. Come on. Don't put yourself to harm.

That one's up there. Well, well done you for paying me. I know there would have been a dozen loopholes dancing around your mind. Yeah, I did try and create some small print. You came up with a lot. £100 though, Al. I mean, you went high there. I know.

Has he spent it yet? He started too high. Yeah, he's bought... Shares. Yeah. Shares in British cash. Put it in a mini cash icer Like father

I want to tell you On the sense of Improvement and progress I went to the new Tottenham Hotspur Stadium For a game Sorry for your loss It's another

one Huddersfield Wallabies I'm sorry we were playing Huddersfield we oh my god

what's happening to you what the OMG I can't do the rest of the show OMG

you can't do the rest of your life OMG I take it back about things getting better. Oh, no. He just said we. I'm sorry.

He just said we. Have you got any of that chlorodil? I can't. That's genuinely upset me. Yeah, I know. Oh, man. Thank goodness we got a break. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I arrived at the studios today in Golden Square, London. And the first thing I noted was in one of the newspapers, there was an interview with Poch Chino. Oh, yes. Love a bit of Poch. The manager of Tottenham Hotspur. In many ways, the current custodian of the whole black chicken ethos. Yes.

We should say, Frank, that's what your son Buzz cooked. That's what my son described the badge as. So, Potch, as he's generally known, revealed in this morning's, was it, I think it was the Mirror, it could have been the Sun, it's a very fine line. A lot of overlapping content. Oh, a great deal of overlapping content. I mean, I heart news, but it's difficult heart that point in the middle of one of those papers when suddenly it's adverse for holidays,

and you can go to Las Vegas with Michael Greco. How did that happen? Get me on that, Blatch. Anyway, the interview with Potch says that he always keeps lemons, a bowl of lemons in his office. Does he? Because he feels that negative energy goes into lemons. Oh, a scientist, I hear.

And he said so. Oh, yes, all the sourness. Let's say, for example, that Wan-Yama comes in asking why he's not the first team and off such will be the level of negativity in the air

in that that he'll look across at the lemons post debate and they will have become slightly

grizzled by antagonistic conversation does he witness this happening then the grizzling of the lemons I don't want to put words in antagonistic conversation. Does he witness this happening then? Well, I don't think he does.

The grizzling of the lemons. I don't want to put words in Potty's mouth. Frank, is the grizzling of the lemons the follow-up to Silence of the Lambs? I hope so. The grizzling of the lemons is chapter seven in my book on ageing for the male body. But anyway, it's an interesting thing and I like the fact that he's spoken about he speaks

a lot about the energy that we all need to embrace oh and um i don't know if anyone has read with no edmunds a lot what he hasn't been working with is someone who knows the history of glenn hobbles career but um but, can I say, at this point, what about if we get some melons, generally for the studio, just in case there are any... Some lemons. In case any neg comes in. I'm a huge lemon fan.

I don't know if you're aware of this. Are you? Oh, I used to eat them. I mean, I would sometimes... You used to eat lemons? No, it's a rhyme. You know, she was hypnotised. I only use them for negative absorption

a whole lemon though frank i would oh no not like a peach but i would cut it in half okay let's once you cut it in half i'm like i have never cut a lemon in half without taking the end that's got the nodule on it, holding it against my neck and saying to someone, will you burst this for me? I have never been able to resist that prop joke. But you will sit and eat a lemon. I would cut it in half. For example, if I was having...

My mouth's watering. Is that normal? Yes, it is. That's very normal. But I'll do a button up. But, what if it is fat? I, but I'll do a button-up. But, what it is, Frank... I thought you were just naturally disapproving. Thumbs up.

Frank, I love a lemon. I love a lemon. Well, I've... No, I didn't see that coming. No. If you had a Coca-Cola drink, and you had ice and a lemon, would you eat the whole lemon afterwards?

The piece of lemon in it? Well, I wouldn't have it with a whole lemon in it. No, but would you eat... What, a lemon float? Would you pop... Quite a rustic bartender. Would you pop the medieval bar? Would you pop that piece of lemon into your mouth afterwards?

Oh, yeah, I'd eat a little slice. But you're talking about taking on the whole fruit. I mean, God, that'd have to be a very negative. That would have to be divorce settlements discussions. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Let me tell you something that might warm you too, Potch. Yeah?

I was in hospitality at the Tottenham Stadium. I thought that was your funny comedy name for hospital. Hospitality! The last game of the season, there was no clash with West Bromwich Albion, I've no guilt about it. We were in their post-match and we were talking to a couple of Tottenham legends, Cliff Jones and Steve Perryman.

Buzz very excited to get their autographs. This is my son, Buzz, who's a Tottenham fan. And then I was talking to them and I looked and Buzz had disappeared. And you know that moment when you can't see where your child is, that clenched stomach. Where's he gone? And I looked across the room

and he was in full conversation with Pochettino. And I thought, oh, no, because he's come up here post-match. He's obviously come up to relax. He doesn't want to be. So I thought, well, if he's sort of off with Boz, that will be so heartbreaking. So I went across, scurried across quickly to rescue him.

I could hear Boz just finish saying, I think you're probably the greatest manager of all time. What did Potch do? Potch held his face between his hands and kissed him on the top of the head in a really lovely way. I'm actually going to cry. And Boz asked him for an autograph and I was saying, look, I'm sorry about this.

And he goes, no, that's fine, fine. And he signed the autograph and he wrote, this is what he wrote. He wrote to Boz, he asked him what his name was, he says to Boz, and then he wrote in block capitals and he's Argentinian, so, you know. He wrote in blog capitals,

My best friend is you. Excellent. My best friend is you. I want that on a T-shirt. That's lovely. This is extraordinary. I mean, how can you compete with this on the present front? And that's because all the negativity has been taken out of the pot

by adjacent lemons. Well, my recycling bin's going to be full of lemons in the future weeks, isn't it? Can I tell you one tiny sentimental postscript to that? When I went to give Boz his goodnight kiss that night, he was fast asleep, and just sticking out from underneath his pillow I could see the signed programme with Potty's signature Do you know I find that so lovely

I love having a bit of footballers memorabilia in the bedroom. Well just to squeeze something I feel very it wouldn't be the first time obviously but lovely onto the pillow but It wouldn't be the first time, obviously. It's lovely. But lovely.

Onto the pillow, on the pillow. Yeah. But just to sprinkle a little bit of lemon juice on this super sweet thing, as we were leaving the Tottenham hospitality, I heard a voice say, well, he didn't ask me for an autograph. And I turned around, it was Lord Sugar. A bit of sugar and lemon, honestly.

It's like having a big pancake, this anecdote. Shrove Spurs. So he then came over and signed the thing. We went down in the lift with Lord Sugar. Now, how did he do this? Have you ever tried calling anyone in a lift? Reception is impossible in a lift. Yeah, it doesn't happen.

I imagine Frankie had some huge 1992 sort of car phone, like Dom Jolly phone. No, but when we got to the bottom of the lift, we're in the car park, the door opens, and there is AMS1, he's Bentley. He's Roller Bentley. It's Roller, Bentley. With the blokes, the chauffeur standing with the back door held open. Either he's been standing there for an hour with it held open,

or there's some signal that says, I'm coming down, get the door open. Excellent. Yeah. What I like is Buzz is the only autograph hunter I know where celebrities fight over him asking for the autograph. What about if Lord Sugar had kissed him on the head? I wonder what would have happened then.

It would have been a bit like the old lemons during the Wanyama conversation. Buzz would have shriveled to a tiny gremlin figure. Oh, what larks, Mr Pip. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I'll tell you what, look, I had a first this week.

Oh. Yes. She was 35. I mean, it was all above board. No, no. Goodness me. I had a first. I had my first ever book club.

Oh, you didn't. Have you ever done it? I've never done one, but I love the idea. No, absolutely not, and never would. You've never done it. Oh, that's interesting you say that. Go on. Can I ask you why not?

Well, I want... Well, you can, but I'd like to know about your book club first, please. I'd like to ask you about the pressure of the deadline. Doesn't it mean that you have to read by a certain day? Like, I'm meeting them on Wednesday, so I've got to finish... Yeah, but that's... It's an enjoyable thing, is it? Well, my partner managed to string it out for just over a year.

What, a book club? Yeah, we'd all read it, we're all ready. And she said, I've read it yet. So we all had to read it again before we actually had the back. Anyway, so it sort of reminded me of being back in higher education. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. Both at Birmingham Polytechnic and Warwick University, my alma mater. And I sometimes fantasise about going back into education.

Academia. Academia, yeah. Well, that's connected to my reason for my reluctance to join the book club. Not that I've been invited, but, you know, anyway, as you were. It wasn't quite the same as being at uni. No one stole my milk. Anyway, so I know the first rule of book club is there is no book club, but I'm going to talk about it anyway.

I'm surprised we're even talking about it. Yeah, and I thought it was the best night. I loved it. Oh, good. I thought it was the best night. I loved it. Oh, good. I thought it was great. And I thought, wow, I just want to do book club after book club. Turns out, I think it was Babs Streisand that says, time has rewritten every line.

Right. Turns out that people were upset. They felt that I talked over them, that I was dismissive of their opinions. Do you know what? I was about to say, when you said you thought it was great, I thought, I wonder if... How did we...

I was boorish. How did we handle it? Were you boorish? Boorish. Boorish? I was brusque. Oh. Al, do you want to handle this one?

No, I'm just going to hear him out. I can't think of anything else I was beginning with B. These accusations were levelled at you in general? It was brusque, apparently. And boorish. Both of those things. So did you dominate the discussion a bit? I didn't feel I did.

I thought I was being really restrained. Did other people miss a point of the book and you bring it to their attention? Oh, I can see feel I did. I thought I was being really restrained. Did other people miss a point of the book and you bring it to their attention? Oh, I can see him doing that. I can see me being the one to miss her. The point of it is that you share your... You know, if someone has an opinion which you don't agree with, I think it's all right to say I don't agree.

Yeah, that's true. What sort of tone did you use when you said... I honestly thought it was... I thought it was a lovely... I don't know. Honestly, it's like I was at a different book club. You know that feeling when you feel like you're at a different book club? I spoke to my personal assistant about it the next day.

Was she there? No, she wasn't there. Take her away. What did she say? Yeah, she was handling my yellow stickies. If you'll pardon the expression. And she said, it sounds like hell on earth.

I mean, she said to me... A lot of hell on this show recently. Yeah, exactly. I think that's the third acknowledgement of hell this week. A member of Little Mix and Donald Tusk. We're all at it. Yeah. I think there's been a shift towards belief this week.

But she said, she actually said this. She said, one thing I would never do is join a book club. And I thought, what is, it's just book clubs we're talking about. Not like a dogfight in Sydney. No, I'm with her. A book club. The most benign... Well, bookish. It's bookish at book clubs.

You can't get around that. But honestly, you would think... I'm with her, Frank. People were talking about that night like Vietnam vets. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The Queen has put a picture up on Instagram this week. She's always copying me. What do you think?

Well, she started Twitter in 2014, which is, I think, a similar time to when the show started. The Queen started Twitter? Yeah, she did. Jack Dorsey. Jack Dorsey? Jack Dor? He loves a bird. He's from the 90s.

Jack Dorsey. Is that why they called it Twitter? Because it's written by, invented by Jack Dorsey. No. Could be though, couldn't it?

I don't think so. It might be. I think it's called Twitter because... It would be tenuous and disappointing but it might be. I don't think it would. I'd think so. It might be. I think it's called Twitter because... It would be tenuous and disappointing, but it might be. I don't think it would. I'd be happy with that.

Apparently it's called Twitter because birds sing about what they're doing right now, and that's what it was meant to be. It's like micro-blogging of what you're doing right now. So really, I think... Is that what birds sing? Do they say, I am on the... Yeah, I'm on a telegraph pole. I'd love to hear that. I heard sing. Did they say, I am on a... Yeah, I'm on a telegraph pole....flying into a tree? Yeah, yeah. Well, I heard... I'd love to hear that.

I heard geese. When I was... I think at the time I was applying on the realm deodorant this morning. Oh, yeah. Lynx. And I heard... No, no, I didn't need one. And I heard geese.

You know, a V formation of geese went over. And whenever you hear them, so they went over going, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And I thought, did they do that all the time? I felt like one of them was going, I can't fly. I forgot it. You're all right. Steve, you're all right.

You can. Oh, God, I can't fly. Oh, oh. Steve, you're fine. Honestly, you're fine. That's what it felt like. Can I say that was a bit like growing up with actors? But I am fascinated to know that birds talk about,

do they live in the eternal present then? I think so, yeah. Well, they've obviously read Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But how detailed? Mindfulness experts. How detailed do they get about what they're doing? Oh, I'd love to hear what the birds say. Yeah, we're crying our eyes out, of course, a lot of the time, according to Prince.

Oh, yeah. What I'm saying is the Queen is just one step behind us. We do Twitter, she does Twitter. We do Instagram, she does Instagram. Well, she did the sort of Instagram. So I'm going on Grindr tonight. We'll see how long that takes. We are in the local area.

She did the sort of post that I have to say I think you would do if you had your way, Frank, which was she posted a letter from the 19th century written by Charles Babbage. She put a photo on Instagram of an old letter. It's like a sort of house of cards, house of mirrors

of communication, isn't it? What I love about it, it's like a big moment that the Queen is doing Instagram and so she basically, she does a letter from 1843. She's adopting a sort of a softly, softly approach to advancing technology.

I think she should have put a selfie up and called it Wonstagram. Yeah. Oh, come on. That's very good. She, well, that's the thing. She doesn't get writers in, though. She's better than that.

I'd have liked it. I'd have liked it. Here, get ready for this one. Yeah. I'd have liked it. Here, get ready for this one. I'd have liked it. Here we go. If somebody said, you should put a hashtag on the thing, and she'd have gone, oh, hashtag! Oh, and relax.

What would be very meta is if hashtag a hashtag started trending. So the letter was from Prince Albert, who I know you're a fan of his work. Prince Albert. Yeah, that rings a bell. Oh, dear. Oh, my goodness me. But what I loved about it was that she made the whole process so ladylike. And I think we can all learn something from how to use Instagram.

She had a glove, a long black evening glove, which she took off when she pressed send. She took the glove off. Now, what she should have invested in are the gloves. The ones that you can use gadgets. The ones when you can take the end of the thing With the sheer panel They probably don't do those in long In evening gloves She took the evening glove off and she gave it a little shake

and then she pressed send I can't see a person in a long glove and not think of the witches the Roald Dahl things She thinks she then took her wig off I always think of all witches the Roald Dahl things she thinks she then took her wig off I always think of all creatures great and small she does all around birthing

that term Balmoral The best of Frank Skinner Absolute Radio